← In Totality with Megan Ashley
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Megan Ashley
Okay, let's be real for a second. Sometimes you just need a little escape, like a moment to step away from
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your normal routine, breathe a little and
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just enjoy some light and fun. Now, maybe you can just drop everything
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and book a flight to Italy, like I want to do right now, but
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you can take a trip to the theaters on April 10th for you, me, and Tuscany.
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Now listen, guys, I am a hopeless romantic.
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I love a good rom com, especially when it actually makes you feel something. This one is from Will Packer, the same producer behind Girls Trip.
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So you know it's gonna have those
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really big laughs and some heartfelt moments, too.
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It stars Halle Bailey and Reggae John
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Page, and honestly, that alone is enough to get me there. Beyond that, it really has everything you want. Heart, humor, and the kind of chemistry
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that keeps you locked in the whole time.
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And it's set in Tuscany, guys. Like the vineyards, the scenery. It's given full escape in the best way. This is the kind of movie you go see when you want to unw, laugh a little and just enjoy yourself. It's perfect for date night or even just grabbing some of your girls and
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making a fun night out of it. Get Lost in the Sauce with youh, Me and Tuscany. Directed by Kat COIRO.
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In theaters April 10 what's up, family? Before we jump into today's episode, I want to share something close to my heart. Our In Totality Patreon community, the Village. If you ever listen to the podcast and you thought, wow, I really wish there was more, this is exactly why
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I created this space.
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You'll receive early access to every episode, so while or hearing it for the first time, you'll already be watching it and soaking it in.
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But it's not just that.
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You'll also get access to the In Totality docu series, which is like my vlog, which shows what I do when
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I'm not on the podcast.
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And that's not it. You'll also be the first to know about merch drops, events and opportunities to
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connect in real life.
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One of my favorite parts is our Bible study and book clubs where we're walking through scripture together and encouraging one
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another in the faith.
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On Patreon, we are building a community that truly desires a relationship with the Lord, pursues truth, and supports one another, and I would love for you to
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be a part of that.
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So if you want more, come join the Village on Patreon. The link is in the description and I can't wait to see you there.
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I wanted to have just an honest conversation. A lot Of. You know, this past month has not been the easiest for me. I was wrestling last night and days leading up to recording today, because I was just like, I don't want to talk through this. When I got the phone call March 3rd that my friend Tasha passed, it was so disorienting when you lose someone, and it's so unexpected. I think our natural bent is to be like, why? I think about how God looks at us. We're children. We're his children. What's the number one question they ask all the time? Why they're naturally curious. We're the same way. Grief sucks, and it really does feel like a tremendous suffering. But when these things happen and actually exposes and it proves the character of your faith. It does. When everything is fine, when you're on the mountaintop, that's not. When the character of your faith is proven. If this would have happened, I don't know, two years ago, I don't think I would have made it. And I look back, and I'm like, man, I still want you. I still believe in you. I still have faith. My friend Tasha was an amazing human being. I will miss her. And that's something to rejoice in, and that's something to hold onto. Even in the midst of holding onto grief, you can also hold onto gratitude at the same time.
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Nicole
5, 4, 3, 2.
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Megan Ashley
That point was crazy. What's up, y'? All? Welcome back to another episode of In Totality. I'm your host, Megan Ashley. I'm here with the team yet again. I'm so happy that they're here. Nicole just flew in all the way from Cali. This girl be flying from across the country just to sit in this room and help me get through these episodes. And so we're thankful that she's here. And, yeah, Jordan counting us down and throwing. Just through me. I'm sorry. Pointing at me like, that was crazy. I wish I could see her. Or can they see you?
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Nicole
I don't know if they've seen me do that.
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Megan Ashley
And if the. If the camera is on her, please show that ridiculous throw, because that was crazy for sure. Like, what? So, yeah, this is. I was telling the team that I wanted to have such a. I wanted to have just an honest conversation. As a lot of, you know, this past month has not been the easiest for me. Um, and truthfully, I. I was wrestling last night and days leading up to recording today because I was just like, I don't actually want to talk through this. Or. Yeah, I just. I just don't want To. But. And it's interesting, I think, being in these positions, whether it's podcasting or ministry or leadership, I think it's really interesting because you want to navigate through the circumstances and things that happen in life, and you want to be able to share. Right. Like, you want to be able to share those things. But then there's also this tension of, like, is it too soon to share? When's the right time to share? Have I been completely healed of a thing before? Like, you know, navigating through all of that can be. It can be kind of challenging, especially for me. I'm naturally a person that just overthinks things a lot. So, basically, what I'm saying is I just need grace. As I flow through this episode, I just need grace. I haven't had everything figured out. There are some things that I'm definitely gonna share that I am for sure about. Right. And then there's just stuff that I'm processing, and so I'm just inviting you in on that process. That's what I've been doing since I started this podcast. It's just kind of inviting you guys in on how the Lord is transforming me and changing me and developing me and maturing me. And I think within this month, I've had this. I don't know, I feel like the Lord has really been sharpening my focus more to that. Instead of trying to be this. I don't know, this, like, theologian and preacher, teacher, whatever. I feel like the Lord is like, yeah, just do what I called you to do. Like, share your experience, share your heart. Share the ways in which I have loved you and transformed you and matured you and kept you and. And. And. And rely on that and that being enough. And so I'm just gonna be obedient to that. I'm not trying to, you know, you know, impress anyone. I just want to be faithful. That's ultimately what I want my life to be, is just. I want to be known as somebody who was faithful to the Lord and who was serious about their relationship with the Lord. And this week. Not this week.
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I'm sorry.
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March. March was just like Jordan shaking her head. Jordan's shaking her head because March just was insane. Like, I don't even. Marsh was just. I just didn't see it coming. The particular trials, the particular griefs and sorrows. I just didn't see it coming, y'. All. I'm just gonna be honest. I didn't see it. And so just to kind of share, for those of you who may not know who may not follow me as closely. Obviously, my village community, they know. Cause they kind of follow very, very closely. And I'm very open and transparent with them. Yeah. So anyway, the beginning of the month started off really, really hard because I was sitting right in the room where Jordan and Nicole are in the team is right now. I was sitting in there. It was a Tuesday. And my Tuesdays are very. You know, I do the same thing every Tuesday. I study. Right. I tell Nicole, do not ask me nothing on Tuesday. Don't text me about nothing. I don't wanna know a meeting. I don't have meetings on Tuesdays. I don't do anything. But I just study and prepare for Bible studies with the village community for. And so Tuesday, what day was that? Was that March 3rd, I think. March 3rd. And so this is like literally six days before my birthday. It's Tuesday. And I'm thinking, like, this is gonna be a good week.
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Nicole
Like we were having a good day.
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Megan Ashley
We were having a great day. Like having a good. Pretty. Pretty much a good week so far. I was studying for Bible study. I was like, okay, it's gonna be cool. Like we gonna study for Bible study. I have class on Monday. So I just finished school the day before, came home, started studying, I think Monday night. And then Tuesday I got up to study some more, prepare for the Bible study. And then that weekend we were celebrating my birthday. So it was like, it was a lot to look forward to. It was going to be a great week. And in the middle of studying for my Bible study, I got a phone call from a friend. And that's when I found out that one of my longest and dearest friends passed away. You know, I haven't experienced a whole lot of life where I've lost a whole lot of people, you know what I'm saying? Obviously, like aunts and, you know, maybe I haven't lost a grandparent, one that I've been alive for, but, you know, like family members, distance family members. A few years ago, I did. I did lose a friend that. And that was hard because we did have a relationship, though we weren't as close as the friend that I lost this month. It still hurt. And it was still hard, obviously, and, you know, still grieve and miss her to this day. But then when I got the phone call March 3rd, that my friend Tasha passed was so disorienting. Like, I. I don't even know another word to describe. It was. It was just disoriented. I didn't know. It felt like I was Immediately, like, thrusted into a different reality. It just. I cannot explain. I don't know. It's like everything goes black. It's. It's like you're just transported somewhere else, and it's like an outer body experience. It's like I'm seeing myself move around and trying to figure things out, but I'm not in my bo. I don't know. I. And if you've gone through grief, if you lost someone, I'm sure you could probably relate to that, but it was just so unreal. It was just like, I cannot believe that this is real. I just don't ever think that I've experienced pain in that way. It felt like my insides were ripped out of me. Like, I just. Like I just did not want to be in my own skin. I don't know. I don't know how to explain it. It was just. It was awful. And it's awful because when you lose someone, when you expect it, that's one thing. You know what I'm saying? When, like, a person is sick, it's one thing when. When it's that situation, but when it kind of just comes out of nowhere, it takes you for a loop. And it was really hard because Tasha and I had been communicating recently about meeting up, and we haven't seen each other in a few years. And so we were texting just a week prior about meeting up and spending time with each other and, you know, just catching up. You know, just. I wanted to see her. I just wanted to see her and see where she was and hear her and hear her heart and just, you know, listen to her and have her tell me what the last few years has been for her and ways in which she's been sad and ways in which she's been happy. Like, I just wanted to hear all the things. And so we were planning on spending time with each other, like, a couple of days. And my last text to her was like, hey, like, you know, tell me where you want to go. Like, I'll meet you, or you can come here, or we can meet somewhere in the middle, wherever. Just. I just want to see you. And so to get a call in the middle of studying. And God is so, like, you know, he's. He. He does things so interesting because I'm. I'm literally studying about God's steadfast love, which I feel like is such a grace and a mercy that I was, like, already reading scripture and having this in me as this terrible news came. So anyway, that. That whole week was obviously extremely Hard. And now that we're a month out from that, literally, right? Almost a month. Almost a month since she's been gone, which is like. It's crazy. Like, the time has just flown by like this. Like, I. I still can picture myself in San Francisco, you know, in her apartment, and, you know, all the things I can. Like, it was yesterday. But as I sit and think back on the month, I've kind of just been taking inventory of what I've been processing and what I've been feeling. And, you know, I never am a person. I think, again, I wanna kind of go back to what I was talking about earlier. When you're in a position like this, in this. In the sense of podcasting or leadership or ministry, sometimes you have to hold this tension between. When God allows things to happen, being in it, right? And then also holding the tension of like, okay, God, how are you using this? Do you know what I'm saying? Like, yes, I'm going through this. I'm allowing myself to feel. I'm allowing myself to grieve. I'm allowing myself to go through the feelings and the pain of all of it and allowing the Lord to comfort me in all of that. And at the same time, I know that, God, you're sovereign and you're good and you waste nothing, right? And so it's like, what are you producing in me as I'm going through all this thing and just kind of keeping track in mind, like, keeping all of those things in mind at the same time. And I'm gonna be honest with you, I don't know if that's right or wr. That's just what I feel like. I've. I've been processing, like, how can I be in this and go through this grief and truly process and allow the Lord to heal me and comfort me and all the things at the same time? How do I not waste this grief? You know what I mean? Because the Lord doesn't waste it. So I don't want to waste it either. The scripture that I kind of really wanted to lean into, there's two, but one of them is Second Corinthians 1, where it says, blessed be the God and Father of. Of Lord, of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort. He comforts us in all of our afflictions so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction through the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as the suffering of Christ overflows to us also through Christ Our comfort overflow. I was leaning into that because during this time of, like, grief. Grief sucks, and it really does feel like a tremendous suffering. Like, it. Grief just sucks. But I was. I was trying to do my best at not just go, go, go, go, go. And I know probably even for Jordan or maybe even the people that were experiencing me in this time. I was trying to help with the funeral plans, and I had to fly to California to and do all. So it kind of felt like I was just in go mode. But the times that I had to myself and the times that I had to just retreat and be alone for a minute, I was actually actively leaning into allowing the Holy Spirit to comfort me. Like, to really allow the Holy Spirit to comfort me. Not to try to do all that I could do to distract myself from the pain of what I was feeling, but actually leaning into the pain. And as I'm leaning into the one who is comforting me, like, leaning into the Holy Spirit. And I think sometimes I know for me, my natural bent is to just distract myself and be busy. Like, let me just go do this, let me do that. Let me take. I'm a doer. Go, go, go. Do, do, do. And I was trying to find that balance of, like, yes, I need to do all the things. I need to be there for her family. I want to help out in every way that I can with the funeral plans and all the stuff. Like, I want to be proactive and productive in the ways that I can. At the same time, I needed to lean into the Holy Spirit and actually allow him to comfort me and actually allow him to touch my heart and to be with me and to allow me to lament and allow me to grieve and allow him to just love on me during this time. When you lose someone again, like, I lost Tasha, and it's so unexpected. I think our natural bent is to be like, why? Why did that happen? You know what I mean? Why did she suddenly have to go? Why did she go right when we were trying to make plans to see each other? Why did that happen? And for anybody who might be in this situation and might be feeling the same way, maybe you've lost someone and it. And grief doesn't. Isn't tied down to just losing a person. We all are grieving something somewhere, whether it's a loss of a job opportunity or a. Or an idea. I've talked about this when it comes to my son Caleb, how I had to grieve that when he was diagnosed with autism and fragile X, that that was Something that I still actively grieve every day, right? The loss of an idea. The loss of whatever grief is grief. And I think a lot of times we. We lean into, like, dang, like, why did that happen? Why did that happen? And I don't. I don't want anyone to feel shame for asking that. I think that that's a natural question that we ask, right? I think about how God looks at us. We're children, right? We're his children. And I think about my children and, you know, especially when they're little. What's the. The number one question they ask all the time? Why? Well, why? Why? They're naturally curious. We're the same way, right? Why did that happen? Why did that happen? And I don't have a reason. I don't have an answer for that. I don't have an answer for why God allowed Caleb to have Fragile X syndrome or autism. I don't have a reason for why God allowed my marriage to be the way that it ended up being, or why did I lose this friend? Or, you know, why did my friend Tasha pass? Or why I don't have those answers. But what I am assured of, it's not because God doesn't love us, right? At the. At the bare minimum, we can land on that. That He. He didn't allow it because he just doesn't love us. That I. I can assure you of that. That he loves you. That he loves you. And so whether I have all the answers or not, I don't have all the answers. And you may not have all the answers either, and God may not give you the answers. And that was my prayer during this time. As I was processing Tasha passing, I kept saying, I'm like, lord, you owe me an answer. You don't have to give me an answer. And where you cannot provide an answer, or where you won't provide an answer, or where you won't provide clarity, I pray that you provide peace. Where you don't. Where you won't provide clarity, I pray that you provide comfort. And so those were my prayers. As I was going through the loss of Tash, I was just like, lord, I. I don't understand this, but I'm not questioning you. I'm just asking that you give me the humility to know that you are God. The humility to know that you are still sitting on the throne and that you are still in control of everything. The humility to know that you are God and I am not. The humility to know that you are immutable. You do not change. And so you were good the day before Tasha passed, and you were good when she passed. And you'll be. You'll continue to be good after that. Like, and that was the biggest kind of revelation out of all of this, was like, man, this grief has produced such a humility in me in such a significant way. Because it's just like I. Yeah, I think. I think when you lose somebody, you realize how much of control you actually don't have. And I think that that's one thing that I have recognized in myself more over this last month than I probably have ever cared to really see is how much I actually want control of stuff. And this month has been, like, the most out of control month that I've experienced in a really long time. Like, there has been so many changes that I just have no control over. And it's producing a humility in me and a dependency in me to know that God is God and I am not. But if I trust him and if I believe that he is who he says he is, then I can have the humility to just yield to his sovereignty and yield to His. His goodness and yield to his love. No matter how that pans out or how that looks like God is a good, faithful God, regardless of the circumstances. And losing somebody that. You know, she's been in my life since I was 16. Most of my life I've known her. You know what I mean? Like, I don't really remember a whole lot of life where she wasn't. Existing in grief has a weird way of. Like, when you lose somebody in that particular way or when the grief is that deep, you feel like you're all of a sudden just a foreigner in a world. You're. It's like a. It's like a completely different world. And it's strange and it's weird. And I've had to just reorient my mind and my thinking back to the truth, regardless of the facts of the circumstances. The truth is, is that God change and God is good. And where I don't understand all the things where I don't have the answers for all the whys of the questions that I have. What I do know is that God is good and that he's kind and that he has a plan. Regardless of if I agree with it or not. You know what I mean? Regardless if I agree with it, regardless if I like it, regardless if it's comfortable or not. And it makes me think about this scripture in. In First Peter. Yeah, this is First Peter 1. Starting at verse 6. You rejoice in this, even though now, for a short time, if necessary, you suffer grief in various trials so that the proven character of your faith, more valuable than gold, which through perishable is refined by fire, may result in praise, glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. You know, for a lot of you, you may not know, but as I'm writing and preparing to write this book, I. The Lord has just been dropping, like, allowing so many different circumstances to happen to really. Yeah. Produce in me. Like, yeah, you want to talk about serious faith? How serious are you about your faith? How serious do you take me? Like, I feel like the Lord is asking me that. Like, how serious do you take me? How serious do you believe that I am who I say that I am? You know what I'm saying? And again, the Lord isn't allowing all of this stuff to happen just for nothing. But when these things happen and actually exposes and improves the character of your faith, it does. When everything is. When everything is fine. When, when, when. When you have. When you're on the mountaintop, that's not. When the character of your faith is proven. It's proven in the. In the valley, it's proven in the suffering, it's proven in the grief, it's proven in the trials. That is when you really get to, like, this is exposing what you actually believe in. And I will never forget somebody saying this. I've talked about it before, I think, on this podcast, but there was a lady in my old church who was pregnant for the fourth time. She had all boys, and she was finally pregnant with a girl. Finally pregnant with a girl. And she was scheduled to have the baby, I believe, like, on a Monday or something like that. And she lost her baby on the Friday before she was supposed to give birth on a Monday. She lost the baby on a Friday. And the pastor came to her and said. He said, honey, the gospel is either real now or it's not real at all. And that has always stuck with me, that when I find myself in these seasons of suffering or trials and even like, like I said this month of just grieving, it's like the gospel is either it's either real or it's not. You either believe it in this or it's not real at all. This is where it gets proven. This is where it gets tested. Do you believe that God is still who he says he is, even though all the circumstances are tempting you to believe that He's a liar, that he's not good, that he's not Faithful that he doesn't think of you, that he's not collecting your. Your tears in a bottle, and he's. And he's taking inventory of all your paint. Like thi. This is where that. That gets proven.
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Okay, ladies, listen, I have to tell you about this because it's actually something I didn't realize I needed until I tried it. Skims just dropped their new everyday cotton collection, and they're calling it revolutionary. And honestly, I get why. You probably heard me say before that what you wear underneath your clothes really does set the tone for your day. And for me, my biggest pain point
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has always been comfort.
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Either something feels too tight or restrictive, or I'm adjusting all day, and that
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is just not how I want to move through life.
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That's why I keep coming back to Skims. They just understand how things should feel. Supportive, effortless, and still flattering. But this everyday cotton collection, y', all is just different. I'm someone who naturally leans towards cotton, but finding cotton pieces that actually hold their shoes shape and feel elevated has always been a challenge. And Skims really got it right with this one. My favorite right now is the Everyday Cotton ultimate bra. It still gives that same lift and structure that I love, but now it's in this soft, breathable cotton that just feels easy to wear all day, especially
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under something simple like a T shirt.
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It's one of those pieces you just don't have to think about once it's on. And the Everyday Cotton hipster, It's exactly what I want in my everyday piece. Smooth, comfortable, no bunching, no adjusting, just clean and effortless. It's honestly giving.
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You know what?
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Just replace the whole drawer energy. Because once you experience this level of comfort, everything else just feels unnecessary. Shop Everyday Cotton and all of my favorite bra and underwear@skims.com after you place your order, be sure to let them know that we sent you select podcast in the survey and be sure to
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select our show at the dropdown menu that follows. All right, guys, back to the conversation. It's easy to be a Christian when everything is going the way that you want it to go. It's hard to be a Christian when you are suffering. When you are grieving, it's hard. But what it produces in you is an unshakable and unmovable faith. It. It actually makes you take inventory of like, okay, what. What did I get into this faith to get? What did I. What did I. What did I come to the faith to really get? Did I come to the faith to get all of the Things that God can distribute with his hands? Or did I come to the faith to get God? What are you after? And when I. And I'm telling you this month is like. It's like exposing all of that for me. What did you come to the faith to get? You came to the faith to get a podcast. You came to get. Go viral. You came. You came so you can get a best friend. You came so you can get a man. What did you come to the faith for? And it's in these trials and in these sufferings that the character of your faith gets proven of what you actually wanted, what you're actually after. And I'm not saying. And hear me, please, because I am not saying this to boast in myself at all. I am literally saying this to boast in Christ and what he has done in my life. Because I have been so tremendously encouraged at how the Lord has kept me this month, how I have seen myself be so desperate and needy for him and wanting to come closer to him and wanting to pray more. If this would have happened, I don't know, two years ago, though, I'm really not sure, truthfully. And I. And what I do know for sure is if this was to happen anytime, 2023 and before, I don't think I would have made it. And so I. I say that to say even the. Even God's. In God's kindness and sovereignty, there can be even an encouragement in how you are processing through grief by ways of leaning into the Lord, like you feel you have the desire to actually lean into him, to actually pray. That has been encouraging to me. It has been comforting to me that I actually have a true desire for Him. In the midst of.
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Believe it or not, there are some believers in the Christian faith who spend years thinking that they're broken or failing God because they're struggling with unwanted, distressing thoughts. But this isn't a spiritual failure. These thoughts could be due to a common but overlooked condition, ocd. I'm talking about thoughts that interrupt worship,
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like, am I praying right? Will God forgive me if I make
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a mistake in my prayer?
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I need to start over.
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I need to do it perfectly this time. Or maybe a blasphemous image that pops into your head that makes you feel like you sin just for thinking it. Unwanted thoughts like these can be a sign of a type of religious ocd,
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also known as scrupulosity.
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Ocd.
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Ocd.
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It's a form of OCD that can
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turn your faith into a source of
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constant guilt, doubt, and fear. But because the condition is still widely misunderstood, a lot of people don't even know that it can show up in this way or even that it can center around their faith. But OCD isn't just about being neat or organized like most stereotypes suggest. OCD latches on to what you care about most, causing a cycle of distressing intrusive thoughts. Thoughts and behaviors done to get rid
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of the anxiety they create, like praying
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until it feels just right or trying to solve or figure out your thoughts. But any relief of these type of behaviors is short lived.
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So the cycle begins again.
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Many people silently struggle with religious OCD, thinking it's some sort of personal failure or lack of faith, where that may not be the case. It's a common type of OCD and highly treatable with the right kind of specialized therapy. And that's where no CD comes in. In NOCD is the world's leading OCD treatment provider. All of these licensed therapists are trained in ERP, or exposure and response prevention therapy, the most effective treatment for ocd. No CD therapists deeply understand ocd, so they know that these thoughts don't mean anything about you. In live virtual sessions, they'll help you break free from OCD's grip while honoring your faith so you can get back to focusing on what matters the most. No CD is covered by insurance for over 155 million Americans. And they provide support between sessions. So you're never going at this alone. If you think you might be struggling with any kind of OCD, don't wait. Head over to nocd.com and book a free 15 minute call with their team today and start reclaiming your thoughts from OCD. That's nocd.com that's n o c d dot com.
- [32:56]
Being in some of the. The. The worst pain I've ever experienced in my life. Life. And I look back and I'm like, man, I still want you. I still believe in you. I still have faith. It doesn't mean that I don't have questions. It doesn't mean that I'm not in pain and I'm not suffering and I'm not weary at times or tempted at times. But there is a solidified faith in me that I just know without a shadow of a doubt that God is good and that he's for me and that he loves me and that even in this grief, he doesn't waste it. First Thessalonians 4. What scripture is that? 4:13. Paul says, do not, we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and Sisters, concerning those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve like the rest who have hope, who have no hope. And so he's showing us that, like, yeah, as a Christian, as a believer, yes, you grieve, but you don't grieve like the world grieves. Yes, you grieve, but you don't grieve without hope. Like, I, I have, I have really been processing this in, in the last month where I'm like, yes, I'm grieving, but I'm not grieving. Absent of hope. You want to know why? As I think of this week on Resurrection, Resurrection Weekend, I'm like, have a savior who conquered death because he rose from the dead. I can have hope that death doesn't
- [34:33]
have a final say.
- [34:36]
It just doesn't. When Jesus comes back and he returns in Revelation 21 tells us there's going to be no more death, no more mourning, no more crying, no more weeping. He is going to completely eradicate death. Death, eradicate. Like, it's going to be completely demolished over. And I think back on when Jesus wet. What is that?
- [35:00]
John 11?
- [35:01]
Is that John 11:13 or John 11 something?
- [35:04]
Nicole
Jesus wept.
- [35:05]
Megan Ashley
Yeah, John 11 something.
- [35:07]
Nicole
John 11:35.
- [35:09]
Megan Ashley
I knew it was a John and an 11, and I knew a three was in there. I didn't know it was third. It was 30.
- [35:16]
Nicole
What, five?
- [35:17]
Megan Ashley
35. Okay. The shortest scripture in the Bible, Jesus wept, right?
- [35:21]
And I know this is a scripture
- [35:23]
that we all know. And we, and people have exegeted this all the time. We know that Jesus is weeping at the, at the tomb of Lazarus. Before he even weeps, he. He declares that I am the resurrection, right? He says, your brother will rise again. And she says, I know. And, and he will. And he, you know, Christ says, I am the resurrection. And then Jesus weeps. And he weeps not just because his friend is, is. Is dead, even though he knows he's going to raise him from the dead. And he's not just weeping of sadness, but there is a bitterness to his weeping. He's weeping not just because he's, you know, it's, it's just a, like I said, a sadness. But there's also a, an intensity to the weeping. But it's also like this bitterness because of the, the consequence of sin is death, right? Death. We were never created for death. Like we weren't created with that intention, right? We were created to live with God. God in eternity and forever and always and walk with him and all that. And then sin entered the world, and it changed all of that. And as a consequence of sin, death has become a thing, right? And so Jesus is not just weeping because of Lazarus being dead, because he knows he's gonna. He's gonna raise him from the dead, but he's also looking at the effects of sin. He's looking at what. What death has done. The. The brokenness and the sadness of Mary and Martha and all the people that were mourning in that time, right? There's a bitterness towards that. And so number one that gives me. It should give us all encouragement is that when I was going through, and still processing through grieving the loss of. Of my friend. Excuse me, of my friend, I know that I'm. I'm not grieving this alone. I know that the Lord is also grieving this too. You know what I mean? As much as we. I love Tasha, her family loved Tasha. No one loved her more than the Lord. No one did. And so if anyone is grieving this deeply, I know the Lord is grieving it, right? Even. Even knowing that Revelation 21 is a reality, knowing that he's going to come back and eradicate death and no more sin, no more, no more mourning, no more crying, all of that. And still presently grieving that she passed with me. And so that gives me a lot of comfort. And then also during this time, I. I was thinking a lot through Matthew, Matthew 5:4. I knew it was in there. Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. I. I dug through that scripture a lot. And, and if you are part of the village, you know, I have been digging deep on, like, what is the Greek? What I want to know the Greek, the Hebrew, Like, I'm trying to know all of that, but when I was looking at. At this scripture and I was digging through and what blessed mean, and what. What is mourning? What does that word mean in the Greek? And. And what does comforted mean in the Greek? Greek and. And the blessed, like, blessed are those who mourn. Blessed is not just like material things, like blessed, but blessed is like the favorable face of God shining on you. That is the blessing, the favorable face of God shining on you. And mourning was not just this passive kind of sadness, but it's a mourning. The word in the Greek is a deep sorrow. It's like a deep sorrow and a deep sorrow for your own sins, a deep sorrow for the effects of sin and just sin of itself. And so that, like, blessed are those who have deep sorrow over their own sin and over the sin, the effects of sin, and over sin itself. And it says, and they shall be comforted, right? The word in the Greek, the comforter, it's. It's like the word is paraclete, but I don't know the word in, in Greek, how to say it, but it's paraclete, like the one who alongside. So not only are you, are you having God's favorable face shining on you in your morning, but you also are comforted by the tangible presence of the Holy Spirit. He's not just sending an angel to comfort you. He himself is coming to comfort you. And so I, I've been, I have been comforted just even by that. Scripture is like, as I sat and I. And I saw my friend, I saw her, her lifeless body and I saw everyone around and how they were, they were mourning and grieved and sad and broken and all of those things. It's like, yes, I am sad that my. Like, it tore me up to see my friend pass away. That was that. I can't explain the gut wrenching experience that that was. And at the same time, I am so grieved and de. Deeply, like, filled with sorrow over the effects of sin. Like, man, this is what sin has done. And it, and it gave me a weird perspective of like, do I feel this way when I just. In sin in general, you know what I mean? Like, that same feeling that I felt when Tasha passed, it's like I need to apply that same energy towards just sin in general. Like, I need to be deeply sorrowful over the effects of sin. You know what I mean? And so, but at the same times, you can, you can feel that grief and you can be filled with sorrow knowing that the Holy Spirit himself is comforting you. And I think that that was, that was something to rejoice in and something to have hope in and something to have peace about, is that I have the present help of the Holy Spirit during this time. And I still, you know what I mean? I don't know what the waves of grief is going to look like for me in the coming weeks or the coming months. You know what I mean? I just know that I am going to actively lean into the present help of the Holy Spirit to comfort me and praying that the Lord would allow me to use the comfort that of which I have been comforted to comfort other people. Like I talked about in Second Corinthians. Like I talked about. I mentioned that Paul talked about. I didn't say it. I didn't, I did not say that Paul said that. But you know what I'm saying that I mentioned earlier I want to be able to. And I. And I pray that this episode is fruit of that. Like, I want to be able to comfort everyone who's watching right now who might be grieving something, whether it's a loss of a loved one or a loss of something that was really valuable to you. I don't know. We're all grieving something in some way. And so I just want to. To encourage you that the present help of the Holy Spirit is available for you. And lean into it. Don't run away. Don't retreat. Like, run into the present. Help the strong tower that is Jesus. He is our strong tower. He is our strong tower. The righteous run in and they are saved, they are comforted, they are loved and protected. And so I pray that this episode kind of nudges you to process. Like, the Scriptures are filled with lamenting. Lamenting is. Is fine because it's prayers directed to God. It's. It's conversation directed to God. Don't resist lamenting. Lament to him. Tell him everything. Again, David was saying some crazy stuff, but he was saying it to God. Job was saying some crazy stuff, but he was saying it to God. Lament. Tell him everything. He's not intimidated by that. He wants to meet you in that space, and he wants to comfort you. You. He wants to heal you. He wants to produce a proven character of your faith. He wants. He wants it to be proven. And. And I'm telling you, you. You go through a trial, you go through suffering, you go through grief, and you come out on the other side and you're like, man, Nothing can move me off my post. The Lord is good and kind and faithful, and he will be with you during this time of grieving, during this time of suffering, during the trials that you might be right now. Like, the Lord is a present. Help. And I'm so glad that we serve a living savior, right? We don't serve a dead one. We serve a living savior who has given us a living word that is active and that can help us. And so lean into it. Lean into community, lean into prayer. Lean into resting in the Lord and abiding in his love, and allow that to comfort you as you grieve, whatever it is that you're grieving. Grieving. I don't know if I missed anything. I don't know if I touched on all the things, but I don't know
- [44:08]
Nicole
if you wanted to encourage or talk about or touch on, like, even in grieving, because I know we had these thoughts, especially, like, when we went to Oakland, just, like, where people are. And, like, you know how I think you and Pastor Phil talks about it on y' all episode, but, like, we don't know what happens after people pass away, but what we can do is give encouragement to those that are still living and that, like, life really is a vapor. So it's like praying for your loved ones that you know aren't saved and trying your best to, you know, that's good. Push them towards the Lord, because it's like, yeah, just even being in a room and, like, just seeing, like, a lifeless body is just like. Like, yeah, this time is over for you. Like, and nobody knows but you and the Lord. Like, what. Like, the question that everybody has, like, where you go. Like, only your soul. And the Lord knows that. And it's just like, I don't know. That really put things into perspective for me. And it's just like, seeing everybody in the room is just like, yes, I understand you're grieving and you're sad for your friend, but it's just like, where are you? Like, please, so that, like, you can have some peace and assurance that, like, we will actually see you.
- [45:26]
Megan Ashley
Yeah. It puts an urge. Urgency on your witness, like grief definitely puts for. For believers, it should put a certain type of urgency and not in a way where you feel anxious. Like, I. And I always try to. To draw the line between anxiety and urgency. It's not that you're anxious, but it's that, like. Like Jordan said, it's like, yeah, like, am I actively praying for my loved ones who don't know the Lord? Am I. Am I. Am I actively talking to them? Like, lord, am I praying that you would lead me in those conversations? Like, that you would guide me on what to say to. To help draw them close to you? Like, am I taking advantage of the time that you have given me to be a witness of who you are? Because, again, it's. It's one thing to grieve the loss of. Of. Of a loved one who. You don't know where they are. That's a harder question. Grief to have. Right. But, like, I always. You know, obviously when you lose somebody, you start to think about, like, oh, my gosh, what's going to happen when this person goes, and I'm not going to be able to handle it? You know what I mean? That's, like, a natural thing that you think. And obviously, in my mind, I'm, like, the reaction that I had to when Tasha passed. I just. I've never. I've never seen myself in that way before, I'm just, I was a mess. Jordan was there. I just, just. I've never heard sounds come out of me in that way. And I was thinking, I, I was like, man, like, I started thinking about the closest people to me. Obviously, my mom comes is like, the first person that comes in my mind and. But the grief that I have with her would be a little bit different because I know that she has a relationship with the Lord. Right. So there's also that assurance of, like, I know this won't be the last time I see you. You know what I'm saying? Because I know that we'll be together again in glory. And so I think it does put a certain type of urgen on you to be like, am I being an active witness? Not just. And like, even for me, it's like, I have this podcast, so I'm sharing the gospel and sharing Jesus every week, but am I doing that to the people in my life who don't know the Lord? Am I being a witness in my private life? Not just in my public witness, but in my private witness? Am I being a witness? You know what I mean? Like, am I talking to my, my cousins? Am I am uncles and aunts and whoever and what friends and whoever. Am I praying? I'm not even talking about opening up the Bible and beating them over the head with it, but I'm saying, are you interceding? Is your, Is your prayer life indicative of your desire to see them have a relationship with the Lord? And grief really does put all of that into perspective. Even now. Like, I'm like, you know what? Yeah, I, I, I, I could step up in a lot of ways in that, you know what I'm saying? With just praying for people who I know in my life that may not have a relationship with the Lord, you know what I'm saying?
- [48:20]
Nicole
Once you lose the. Once you lose someone for that one person, you realize it's too late for them.
- [48:26]
Megan Ashley
Yeah.
- [48:26]
Nicole
So it's like, how many more people, in a sense, is it gonna take for me to be like, oh, like, no, this really is serious.
- [48:34]
Megan Ashley
This is a thing.
- [48:34]
Nicole
Losing people. It's just like, oh, like, that's just gone and we're a month in. It's like, time keep going. And it's like, yeah, you never know what tomorrow may.
- [48:44]
Megan Ashley
Even for your own life, Right? Like, even for your own relationship with the Lord. It's like, not even just for the ones outside, but even for you. You not like, do you really believe that no man knows the time or the hour that they're going to leave. Like, do you actually believe that only God knows when your last day is, that he has your days numbered and that he's the only one that knows that? Do you really believe that? And do you live a life, like, serious about the Lord every. Not just serious when this circumstance happens or when this circumstance happens, but do you wake up every single day serious? Like, I'm serious about my relationship with the Lord. I'm serious about his word. I'm serious about my intimate time with him. I'm serious about spending time in prayer, and I'm serious about fasting. I'm serious about my witness not saying serious, absent of joy. But are you just serious about it? Because rejoicing is also a command. So there's like, that's also a thing, too. It's not that you're just like, oh, you're this, like, you know, I don't even know the word, but you know what I'm saying? Like the. A Pharisee that's just walking around, do this, do that, do you know, whatever. But, like, are you. Do you wake up knowing, like, the Lord has given me this day and I'm going to be faithful and steward this day. Well, and if the Lord allows me to have tomorrow, I'm going to wake up and, and, and be faithful then and steward that day? Well, I'm going to treat at. One thing about Tasha that I. That I ad so much about her is how she honored every day, how she honored every interaction that she had with people. She honored it. She treated it as a treasure, just a valuable thing.
- [50:29]
Nicole
Yeah, she valued life for sure.
- [50:31]
Megan Ashley
She valued life and treated it like. And people. She valued people and saw people. You know what I mean? Like, she saw them. And I've. I've take. I've been convicted by that, and I want to take that and honor her life in that way and honor the Lord in that way where it's like, like every interaction that I have, like, I treat it as if I don't know when the next interaction will be.
- [50:56]
And it's hard sometimes to do that
- [50:57]
with people that you're just always around all the time. Because familiarity breeds contempt when you just get too familiar with stuff. But like, even just like with the podcast and, and writing in school and friendships and relationships and motherhood and ministry and all of that, like, do I really just honor, honor, honor it. Honor the opportunities that you have because you actually don't know when you'll have them again. And it's humility. That admits that that takes humility. What is that scripture, like, where you talk about, oh, you say, we'll do this tomorrow and we'll go here tomorrow, but no man really knows. It takes humility to actually say, lord willing. I've even had to catch myself making plans, being like, I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do that. Without saying, lord willing. I'm like, that's prideful. I actually don't know. But Lord willing, I'll be prepared if he allows it.
- [51:54]
Nicole
James 4.
- [51:55]
Megan Ashley
James 4.
- [51:57]
Nicole
Today or tomorrow, we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business, and make money. Oh, I think that's a message version.
- [52:05]
Megan Ashley
That's okay.
- [52:06]
Nicole
Okay.
- [52:07]
Megan Ashley
Yeah, it's the same thing.
- [52:08]
Nicole
I know, but it's just like, go and make money is crazy.
- [52:12]
Megan Ashley
At least you didn' the Passion version. Yeah, but, yeah, I just think that, yeah, all of this has just produced, like, a. A really deep humility in me. And. And that. And one thing that I was praying, too, as I was grieving this month, I was just like, lord, the things that I'm seeing you produce in me, like, let. Let it be sustainable. Like, I don't want. I don't want to go through all of this, and then it just be fleeting, and it's gone in the next month. It's like, I really want to steward all of the things that the Lord has produced in me out of this grief and use it for his glory. You know what I'm saying? And so, yeah, anyway, I. I pray that this episode was somewhat helpful again. I just wanted to share my heart and be honest about where I am and how all of this has kind of landed on me. My friend Tasha was an amazing human being, and she. Yeah, I just. I will miss her a lot. I will miss her a lot. I will miss her in a way.
- [53:09]
I've.
- [53:09]
I've missed her in ways that I didn't even realize that I've been before she passed. And just. Yeah, I'm praying, obviously, continue to pray for her family, but it has definitely. Like, the Lord doesn't waste anything, and so I'm just grateful that he doesn't. He doesn't waste anything, and he's coming back to completely make everything new. And that's something to rejoice in, and that's something to hold on to. Even in the midst of holding onto grief. You can also hold on to gratitude at the same time. So, anyway, I pray this is helpful. I love you guys. And I don't really have a journal Prompt, what am I grieving? And I mean, maybe take inventory. Like, what am I grieving? And maybe take inventory of like what it's. What has the grief exposed in you, in your relationship with the Lord. Because sometimes it can show you a lack of faith. It can show you a lack of trust, show you a lack of dependency, show you a lack of, of hope, you know?
- [54:11]
Nicole
You know, what did they come to the faith for?
- [54:13]
Megan Ashley
Yeah, what did you come to the faith for? I think that's a, that's something that, that has really been in my face this month. It's like, what did you, what did you come to the faith for? You know? But anyway, I pray that this was helpful for you guys. We love you and we will see you next week.
- [54:31]
Hey y', all, thank you so much for being here with me on Intel T this week. If this episode bless you or challenge you or even stirred up something in your spirit, go ahead and like this video. Drop a comment below and share with us what part of the conversation really stuck out the most. Share with someone who you think might benefit from watching this. It really helps the show. And listen, if you want more of In Totality on a weekly basis, then join my Patreon community. You get early access to watch In Totality episode episodes, exclusive behind the scenes content and In Totality docu series which is like my vlog, first access to merch drops events, Bible studies where we're walking through the word together, book clubs and so much more. We're growing in our faith together and I would love for you to be a part of it if you haven't already, subscribe and tap the notification bell so that you never miss an episode Thursdays. You'll find me right here on YouTube in the live chat when the episode premieres. I hope this message encouraged you today. I pray that you find a good godly community and a Bible based church where you're rooted in love and growing. Keep stepping into God's truth In totality.
- [55:42]
I'll see you next time. Hi, I am Mandy Moore.
- [55:56]
Sterling K. Brown
Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that was Us now on Headgum.
- [56:02]
Megan Ashley
Each episode we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show.
- [56:05]
This is us.
- [56:06]
Sterling K. Brown
That's right.
- [56:06]
Megan Ashley
We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.
- [56:15]
Sterling K. Brown
Are we gonna cry? Yes, a little bit. Are we gonna laugh a lot? A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping. Man, listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app or or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.