EP 54: Daddy God (Ft. Toni Collier)

Summary

Podcast Summary: EP 54: Daddy God (Ft. Toni Collier) In Totality with Megan Ashley | Released on November 12, 2024

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Introduction

In this heartfelt episode of "In Totality," host Megan Ashley welcomes Toni Collier, a resilient single mother and active member of the Christian community, to discuss her transformative journey through faith, divorce, and healing. The episode delves deep into Toni's personal struggles, her relationship with God—whom she refers to as "Daddy God"—and the profound lessons she has learned along the way.

Toni Collier’s Early Life and Challenges

Toni opens up about her tumultuous childhood, marked by her mother's severe illness and her father's struggles with alcoholism. Growing up in a blended family with three older brothers, Toni shares how these early experiences left her with deep emotional scars.

• Key Points:
  • Family Dynamics: Toni was the youngest and only girl in a blended family, taking on caregiving roles from a young age.
  • Early Trauma: Faced her mother's multiple strokes and her father's aggressive behavior, leading to significant emotional distress.
  • Consequences: These hardships contributed to Toni's early struggles with promiscuity, substance abuse, and a chaotic lifestyle.

Notable Quote:

"I lost my virginity at 13 in my SpongeBob SquarePants bedroom."
— Toni Collier [07:39]

Journey to Faith and Sanctification

At 21, amidst a failing marriage and personal turmoil, Toni found solace in her faith. She describes her encounter with God as pivotal, leading her to a path of sanctification where she seeks to embody Christ’s teachings fully.

• Key Points:
  • College Years: Originally pursued a degree in business administration, leading a double life fueled by substance abuse and unhealthy relationships.
  • Conversion: A significant turning point occurred when a youth pastor recognized her potential and mentored her, guiding Toni towards a deeper relationship with God.
  • Sanctification vs. Salvation: Toni emphasizes the difference between being saved and being sanctified, advocating for a life that mirrors Christ's love and integrity.

Notable Quote:

"Living a double life is always going to be my Achilles' heel."
— Toni Collier [12:13]

Experiencing God as "Daddy God"

Toni introduces the concept of "Daddy God," highlighting the intimate and protective nature of her relationship with God. This persona of God provides her with unwavering support and love, especially during her most challenging times.

• Key Points:
  • Intimacy with God: Refers to God as "Daddy" to emphasize the closeness and personal relationship she shares with Him.
  • Protection and Love: Believes that trusting God is akin to trusting a seat belt during a rollercoaster ride—He ensures her safety amidst chaos.
  • Character of God: Discusses biblical passages, especially the parable of the Prodigal Son, to illustrate God's relentless pursuit and unconditional love.

Notable Quote:

"If you trust the Lord in the same way that you trust that this seat belt and this harness is going to protect you... you are safe and protected in his arms."
— Megan Ashley [01:06]

Navigating Divorce and Healing

The conversation shifts to Toni’s painful experience with divorce. She candidly shares the emotional and financial toll it took on her and her children, underscoring the importance of seeking God's guidance and community support during such times.

• Key Points:
  • Emotional Struggles: Dealt with infidelity, anger, and the challenges of co-parenting post-divorce.
  • Community Support: Received immense help from friends and her church community, which played a crucial role in her healing process.
  • Impact on Children: Highlights the resilience of her children and the importance of modeling faith and redemption for them.

Notable Quote:

"Marriage is a covenant that is tethered by the holiness of who Jesus is. When a divorce happens, it is a severing of that covenant... it's devastating here on earth, in the spiritual realm, in heaven."
— Toni Collier [49:37]

Understanding and Reflecting God’s Character

Toni and Megan explore the dichotomy between human imperfections and God's perfection. They discuss how personal experiences, especially adverse ones, can shape one’s perception of God and the importance of aligning that understanding with biblical truths.

• Key Points:
  • Misconceptions About God: Warning against equating God's actions with flawed human actions, especially within church leadership.
  • Biblical Insights: Reflect on scriptures like Isaiah 6 and Second Corinthians 12:9 to deepen their understanding of God's unwavering support and sufficiency.
  • Personal Growth: Emphasizes the continuous journey of sanctification and becoming more Christ-like in thoughts and actions.

Notable Quote:

"He does not want to be like the pastors or the people we meet. He is the perfection itself."
— Megan Ashley [24:46]

Rebuilding and Moving Forward

The episode concludes with Toni sharing her strategies for rebuilding her life post-divorce, focusing on faith, self-care, and fostering healthy relationships. She advocates for patience in the healing process and trusting that God has a plan for redemption and renewal.

• Key Points:
  • Healing Process: Utilizes counseling and personal reflection to navigate through anger and pain.
  • Faith in Action: Demonstrates how faith guides her decisions, such as refusing detrimental relationships and prioritizing her children's well-being.
  • Community and Support: Continues to lean on her church and friends for ongoing support and encouragement.

Notable Quote:

"The only reason why I'm protecting my ex-husband is because I'm protecting my children from the disgusting things that he did."
— Toni Collier [43:10]

Conclusion

EP 54: "Daddy God" is a compelling exploration of Toni Collier's journey from a troubled past to a life anchored in faith and redemption. Through her vulnerability and honesty, Toni illustrates the transformative power of trusting in God and the importance of living a life wholly devoted to Him. Megan and Toni's conversation serves as an inspiring testament to overcoming personal struggles and embracing God's unwavering love.

Final Notable Quote:

"If you can just trust the Lord, know that you are safe. You are so safe and protected in his arms, and he is covering you and shielding you. And you are not forgotten."
— Megan Ashley [73:58]

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Key Takeaways:

• Trust in God: Embracing God's protective nature can provide solace during life's most chaotic moments.
• Sanctification: Moving beyond mere salvation to actively living out one's faith with integrity and purpose.
• Healing Through Community: Relying on supportive communities and mentors is crucial in the journey of healing and redemption.
• Redefining Relationships: Learning to navigate post-divorce life with grace, prioritizing children's well-being, and fostering healthy, faith-based relationships.

Journal Prompts:

1. Reflect on Your Relationship with God: In what ways do you see God as a protective and loving figure in your life?
2. Personal Healing Journey: How have your past experiences shaped your current relationship with faith and self?
3. Sanctification vs. Salvation: What steps can you take to move from simply being saved to actively practicing sanctification in your daily life?

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For more insights and inspiration, visit MeganAshley.com and subscribe to "In Totality" on your preferred podcast platform.

Transcript

[A]

Hey there, In Totality fam, we need your help. We're running a quick audience survey and we love to hear from you. Head over to Gum FM Totality. It's super simple and we want to keep bringing you content that you love. Let's be real, guys. You know it, we know it. There are ads on our podcast and we want to make the experience better for you. We need to learn a little more about who's tuning in. By filling out this short survey, you'll be helping us improve the show. It's quick, easy, free, and it'll take you just two minutes. Your feedback makes a huge difference to us. So head over to Gum FM Totality. That's G U M F M T O T A L I T Y. And let your voice be heard. Thanks for being such an amazing part of our community. Let's get back to the show with the $5 meal deal at McDonald's. You pick a McDouble or a McChicken.

[B]

Then get a small fry, a small.

[A]

Drink and a four piece McNuggets.

[B]

That's a lot of McDonald's for not.

[A]

A lot of money.

[B]

Price of participation may vary.

[A]

For a limited time only. If you trust the Lord in the same way that you trust that this, this seat belt and this harness is going to protect you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When you're going through these loops and you're upside down and you're all over the place, if you can just trust the Lord, know that you are safe. You are so safe and protected in his arms and he is covering you and shielding you. And you are not forgotten. The Lord loves you and you are top priority to him.

[B]

And his love is greater than any.

[A]

Anything. Anything.

[B]

All of it. Like literally everything. It's better than a warm donut.

[A]

Hey, you guys. Welcome to Into a place where we celebrate authenticity and openness. We're here for those who are willing to explore, those who embrace imperfections, and for those with open hearts and minds. I'm excited to embark on this journey with you. And while I can't predict every twist and turn, I'm certain that God will be by our side with every step of obedience. Welcome to In Totality with me, your host, Megan Ashley. What's up, you guys? Welcome back to another episode of In Totality. Yes, I'm in the same outfit that you've seen before. That is fine. That's because we're bulk recording. Okay? So do not let that distract you because today we have an amazing episode. I have an amazing guest. But before we get to that make sure you subscribe, download, put your notifications on all the things so that you are in the know of what's happening with the podcast, happening with new episodes. But today I have a really special guest and I am praying we can get through this. I am praying that we can get through this episode because she is literally one of the funniest people in the world to me. I was so blessed and honored to be introduced to her earlier this year, and she's literally become one of my favorite people. She makes me laugh and giggle ad nauseam. Um, but she is so full of richness and just. I just love listening to her speak because she has so much wisdom and knowledge and just richness in her. And so I just would love to introduce to you guys my friend, Tony Collier.

[B]

I just feel like I needed to get it out.

[A]

You had to close your ears.

[B]

Hope that wasn't too loud. They'll do something with the sound.

[A]

Somebody literally just swerved in their car.

[B]

Somebody literally almost lost their life with their kids. And I apologize. Okay. I'm so excited to be here. And I did feel like I needed to get that out so that we can make it through.

[A]

Are we going to make it through?

[B]

I don't know. Daddy God's going to help us. Okay, Tony, you need to lead us. Tony, this Daddy God thing, it's sacred to me.

[A]

Where did that come from?

[B]

Long story short, I was. I lead these, like, course groups for these healing communities. And we had this sweet. I'm going to tell you, we had this sweet little old lady.

[A]

Where is she from? Alabama?

[B]

Mississippi.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That's where she was from. And at the end of one of our course calls, I was like, I'm gonna let one of, like, the girls lead us out in prayer.

[A]

Aw, that's so sweet.

[B]

And I'm like, can you lead us in prayer? The team, everybody closed their eyes. She said, daddy God, we said, what? And I had to turn my camera off. I spotted, like, some of my team members in the little zoom squares. And I was like, don't do this. Yo bop don' And I had to turn my camera off, Tony. It was horrible. And it just. It stuck with me because it was this sincerity. It's that she. I knew she didn't grow up with a father. I knew her story. We had held her story. And she's like, that's my dad. Like, that's my daddy. And. And on one end, it's childish, but on the other. But on the other end, it's like.

[A]

When you have daddy issues, you're like, sure, Daddy.

[B]

Anybody dancing these ugly little boys or it's God.

[A]

I'm calling somebody daddy and somebody about.

[B]

To be called daddy, and it's gonna be him, because who else is worthy of. But I can't just say daddy because that's weird. It's weird in prayer, you know, Daddy. That's weird. But Daddy. God is funny, but it's.

[A]

It's sanctifying the intimacy of the word daddy because I've said daddy in some unsanction.

[B]

You guys, welcome. Okay, I'm sweating. I don't even know why I have this hoodie on. I wanted to rep Texas. Oh, we're in, Tony. Okay, we're in, Y'all.

[A]

I told y'all. Y'all are gonna have to please.

[B]

It started so fast. Okay, ready?

[A]

Tony, please tell everybody I'm in.

[B]

No, you got to get yourself together. I've. I've locked in. Oh, I'm locked in. Tell everybody.

[A]

I needed this laugh. Y'all know. Okay, Toni, tell everybody about you. Where did you come from? Obviously, Texas you come from is crazy. Do you come from in this world? Because we needed you. So where did you come from?

[B]

Praise God. Ok. I'm from Texas.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

That's why I decided to wear a Texas shirt. If you're listening and not watching, I have a Texas hoodie on.

[A]

You look so cute in your airport fit.

[B]

Okay. I'm from Houston, Texas. I grew up in a blended family.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I had three older brothers. My daddy had some people, and my mama had somebody. And then they came together, and my mom, essentially, was like, we gonna have enough fourth. Okay. And so we have four. I'm a. I'm the youngest and the only girl, which is probably where a lot of this comes from.

[A]

Yes. Alim, thank you for bringing that contest.

[B]

Well, yeah, obviously. Okay, now we can dive into, like, the crevices of my story. But I had a really hard seven, eight years old. So many things happened with my mom. She was super sick. She had multiple strokes. She was paralyzed. My dad was an alcoholic, super aggressive. He has since redeemed his whole life and our relationship, which is amazing.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

But I just had one of those stories where when you look at it, it's like, man, that's really hard for a little girl to go through and took all of that pain from childhood and just like, leaked all over everything. I mean, I lost my virginity at 13 in my SpongeBob SquarePants bedroom. It was gonna be. If we're gonna be honest about it, you Know what I'm saying? And you had a spongebob. I loved spongebob.

[A]

Do you still love spongebob?

[B]

Yes, partially because I was shaped like him. But now I've been in the gym, so I have a little. Some curves, but I was square up and down, and so I'm like, oh, SpongeBob. My. The homie. In a way, I did. I had SpongeBob SquarePants. Bedroom, bikini bottom, blue. I'll never forget. Okay. I even took it to college with me, actually, which was probably maybe a little childish. I was on to parts of my childhood. Well, I've since processed that in counseling. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

You're in therapy?

[B]

Deep. No, therapy is in me. Okay. All right. Jesus. But, yeah, it just had one of them hard childhoods, and it all, like, filtered into promiscuity, lust. I was popping, twerking, drinking, smoking.

[A]

All the things every. You was twerking? Being squared.

[B]

Yeah. And that's what I'm trying to say. I used to be the one. I took my shirt and you know when you put it on the inside and then you pull it out? That was me. So it could look. I have, like, a waist a little bit. And then I. I faithfully wore them Britney Spears jeans on the low with the little handles. The love handles out on the sides. Yes, I did. And I was crumping, too.

[A]

Do you have pictures?

[B]

I. I'm gonna find them.

[A]

Can you please send them?

[B]

I will send them, and I will find them. I have baby oil all over myself. Sometimes I would go to the teen club, and I will crump you. Remember? Okay. Literally, in a sports bra and basketball shorts and baby oil on my body popping in a handstand. I want to just. I just want to make it clear that my edges were soaked. Soaked so hard. I was sleeping with guys left and right. I mean, it was crazy. Then I started smoking weed, which was really not good for my personality, but it kind of mellowed me on. Yeah. It kind of did the opposite a little bit. I was a weed head. I almost sold weed in college.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yep. I'll never forget. I almost said his name. I probably shouldn't.

[A]

Don't, Don't.

[B]

But it was another. It was a wee man who interviewed me, and I. But, you know, this is my first time ever feeling conviction. Yeah. Because he was like, I want you to be part of my. My team.

[A]

He.

[B]

First of all, as I went over his apartment, I went over to his apartment.

[A]

You had a weed interview to be a drug dealer?

[B]

It's crazy when you say it out loud. But when you. A poor college student eating that ramen in them Hot Pockets. And Hot Pockets honestly was a luxury because they get expensive.

[A]

They're very expensive.

[B]

That's what I'm trying to say. And that's who I was. And the Lord scooped me up. Isn't that crazy?

[A]

Okay, so let me go back.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I'm still trying to get past the square shape. Baby oil. Love handles out. Shirt flipped out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Edges sweated.

[B]

A lot of it.

[A]

Crumping and twerking so hard and twerking.

[B]

High in the teen club.

[A]

You know, teen clubs was a thing that. That was a thing.

[B]

We weren't supposed to be there.

[A]

Why did they create environments for. But I get it. But I get it.

[B]

We're not supposed to be in the teen club because it was adults being there, too. There's grown men up in there, too. I know it. It's like. No, that beard, too thick. You're using your little brother's id. You are not supposed to be in here, sir. This is a pedophile situation. You know what I'm saying, Tony? Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Okay.

[B]

It's true.

[A]

So at what point. Because you had a lot going on with your mom, your dad, all the things. At what point was Christ entered, introduced to you?

[B]

Well, I went to college. What was crazy about my story is college for.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

Sam Houston State University. I was going to go for theater. My dad said that wasn't a real degree. And so I went for business administration and entrepreneurship, which I really deeply loved. Leading.

[A]

And you're doing things.

[B]

And I'm usually using my degree. Thank you. Daddy God. Daddy God.

[A]

Daddy God.

[B]

Okay, Call this episode Daddy God.

[A]

That's what we're definitely calling this episode Daddy God. Love it.

[B]

It was interesting because I was really good at living a double life, which I think is always kind of like my Achilles heel. It's that I can put on a real good show because I was a little actress growing up. I was the, you know, captain of the cheerleading team. I was in the thespian society. And I. I was about to say something so crazy and I stopped myself. And I'm proud of me. I was. I was being nasty out in these streets.

[A]

What were you about to say? Just tell me. Like this. I hope. I hope the microphone didn't pick. I think it did because you didn't whisper it.

[B]

I did. Oh, I should have mouthed it.

[A]

You should. That's all.

[B]

Whispered was a different prompt than mouth. You should have said mouthed it.

[A]

I should have I thought you would have gotten the clue. Yeah, I heard you. I heard you. I heard you. We all heard you. It's fine. We heard you.

[B]

I was.

[A]

Bleep that out. Okay, go ahead.

[B]

Yeah. So I was just really, really good at living this double life. And it's. It's always going to be my Achilles heel.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is that I want to be a woman of integrity. I want to love Jesus with everything in me, but I want to look like it and live like it. But I just. I don't know, as like, a teen and a young adult, I just couldn't. And I mean, part of it, obviously, is some fatherhood wounds, like, chasing after these little boys, being all out here. Another part of it is being a little caregiver at 8 years old because my mom was so sick and there was nobody else. I was so.

[A]

You were needy and nurturing.

[B]

Oh, my gosh. All in one. And I had, you know, just these deep fatherhood wounds, and then I had these motherhood wounds. And so I was really alone as a kid. And I was always wanting to make my dad proud. So I would do all of the great things. Be the captain of the cheerleading team, go to competitions. I would, you know, go and learn different things. I was the first African American and the youngest female to ever go to a state competition for acting at my high school. Oh, wow. Like, I graduated high school in three years at 16. Very, very smart, but so unhealthy.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And no one was there to help. There wasn't any responsible adults. There wasn't anyone there to really teach me. Like, this is how you practice integrity. And so went to college, that first year of college. I don't remember a lot of it because I was so drunk and so high and popping X. And I just was a wild girl. I still am.

[A]

That's one of the drugs I never tried.

[B]

No. I said, let me go ahead and give it a try. My senior, I was like, I'm gonna go ahead and just try it. And it was crazy. I was literally. I remember being in my bed after the club, and my legs were just moving, and I was like, I want to come down so bad. I can't. I can't come down. I need water. And I ended up meeting this guy. I thought that I was going to be a lawyer, go to law school. I was in a pre law fraternity. I was on track to getting my law degree by 23, because I was. It was crazy. I know. I graduated high school, I wanted to be a lawyer. And that's what I'm trying to say I feel like the Lord be using the. The ex lawyers because we can argue a case all day. Come on.

[A]

I can just argue. Well, let. It's part of my.

[B]

I can intellectually spar with the best of them.

[A]

Yes. Well, I don't know if intellectually I can, but I can argue very well. Okay, Well, I love with anybody, and I don't care if you're smarter than me.

[B]

I don't have to raise my voice. But then I would be sarcastic.

[A]

I do raise my voice and I'm sarcastic. I know how to do all the tactics.

[B]

I just love.

[A]

I'm just really great at.

[B]

You're just good at arguing.

[A]

Yeah. That's why the Lord. I love that for you sanctified me.

[B]

Okay, well, yeah, you're like apologetics or something somewhere down the line.

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I don't want to argue with black Israelites. They scare.

[B]

All of them. Scare me. I'm. I'm. I'm a. Let's just live in the life. Let's just let them see what it is. Like, I don't want to talk about it openly.

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[B]

Anyway, I mean, I do because I'm a Christian, but, like. So, yeah, I live this double life. I ended up graduating college at 19, and I'm supposed to go to law school. And I just met this boy, and after three months of dating them, I was like, I'm about to be a wife. This sucker was like, I'm moving from Texas to Atlanta. Do you want to come with me? I was like, yep, I'm going. And honestly, he didn't even say it. Like, I really want you to come. He was like, do you want to go? Do you want to go?

[A]

Oh. He was like, I'm not sure.

[B]

Yeah, like, we're gonna try to do this long distance thing. I was like, no, we're not. I'm coming. So instead of going to law school, I literally moved to Atlanta with a man that I had known for very long. And it went downhill. Things went downhill. And that year at 21, I found Jesus.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Ended up going to church. High. So high. But it was awesome because the lights were lighting and the fog was fogging. It was crazy. And what were you high on? Oh, just weed.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Yeah. Well, thank you. Not too crazy. All right. And a youth pastor at the church that we visited randomly just saw me and was like, you have a call in your life 100. And I was like, what does that mean? Like, I wasn't familiar with all the church terms and the call on purpose, I just didn't know. And I'll never forget Carlos Torres, my first mentors. He literally trained me up and got me involved in youth ministry. And it's interesting that the Lord would give me a platform with kids, with students, with teens, because there was a different level of conviction there. For me, it was, I am leading these students, and I want to be better because I want them to be better. And I can't tell them to be better unless I'm better.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But they. They loved me, though, because I was so wild. I still was trying to figure out how to not curse. I was like, oh, we don't curse as Christians. Like, I was just still figuring it out. I was so young, and it took me a while to fully understand not salvation, but sanctification. Like, what does it actually mean to walk this thing out? I just didn't know it. And the church at the time didn't have a good discipleship model.

[A]

That's a. That's an important thing that I think. It's hard for a lot of people to decipher the difference. So help us. Help us navigate through that, because there is a difference between being saved and being sanctified.

[B]

100.

[A]

You know, the old folks used to be, I'm safe sanctified with the Holy Ghost.

[B]

Okay, okay. They said ghost because that's what they had said. They wanted to make you scared a little bit. Anyways, you know, this has been an interesting journey for me because I. I just wrapped up my. My second book, but I had a. I know it's the worst.

[A]

It's the worst process ever, but can't even imagine.

[B]

This is my second. Second book. So I was actually writing a book on sanctification, and it was supposed to come out this year. And because of my divorce and all the things that happened, my publishers felt like, I don't know if we want to write about that this year. Since you were with the person who didn't write the sanctification. Okay. And so it was just weird. And so I've had to rewrite another book. But I loved writing about sanctification because. And the book was going to be called, which maybe it'll come out one day. I still think about doing wild things sometime times because that quite literally is the wrestle. It's that before we found Jesus, there was patterns and decisions and things that we used to numb. For some of us, there was drugs and twerking and a whole bunch of sex and a lot of baby oil, apparently, and a lot of Baby oil.

[A]

As we've been seeing, we.

[B]

It's a consistent trait.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's a consistent trait. And so then we say yes to Jesus. And I think for far too long, the church has made it seem like we arrived there. And that is just truly the pre log. Is that what it's called, the pre log? I don't feel like I'm saying that right.

[A]

You are. Is it pre log?

[B]

I want it to be pre. Someone comment below.

[A]

Prologue.

[B]

You comment below. What? You want to comment below.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. It really. It's the warm hug.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like. It's the coach that's like, welcome to the team. And now let's get to work.

[A]

Work.

[B]

Let's get. Let's get fit in our faith. Let's. Let's push for everything that we can while, you know, heaven is colliding with earth, like, be a part of the force that brings in light. And it's hard, and it takes time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

For me, at least. Like, it just took me a while. I started off, I was like, yeah, I did it. I'm saved. I'm out here. And it just didn't feel right. It was like a cheap faith. And I got to the point where I was just wrestling with the Lord and not in a way of I'm mad at him, disappointed in him. I was like, something doesn't feel right. And I was really not wrestling with the Lord. I was wrestling with the church model. That's actually what was happening. And I was at a church that was weird. They just had some weird stuff. I grew up Catholic, so it was with a whole bunch of white people for a long time. And then I came over here to the black church, and I was like, it's a little something weird going on here. Like, for real. Like, I remember my pastor telling me, like, you know, he said, you're not really supposed to, like, go out and do other things. Like, you're supposed to invest in this church, because God has planted me here as the tree, and you guys are the branches. And so the further I go, the further you'll go. But you gotta stay connected to me. Your purpose is connected to me. And I was just like.

[A]

It just don't seem accurate.

[B]

It don't. Because biologically, they say that the trees actually, the roots come together and hug each other and make each other stronger. Cause I don't know what you talking about. That's not biologically accurate or theologically accurate. This is getting weird, buddy. Okay. And I ended up transitioning from this church, and I went to North Point Community Church.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And while it's like, the Christian gap. Okay, okay. I just discovered. Okay. A really sound theological view of who God is. I got him. So I'm a small group. I started getting discipled for real. And that's when my journey with sanctification happened. And that's what I want to encourage people to really, like. Like, lean into it. Like, how can I look more like Jesus?

[A]

Literally. That's fixing. I think I. I relate a lot to just you in general.

[B]

What part? I'm just kidding.

[A]

The add. Okay. The.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But just growing up with, like, when you said I was really good at being two people.

[B]

Living a double life.

[A]

Living a double life. And I think for me, like, I didn't grow up, like, where. For you. Where you were. Like, I was an actress. That was part of your passion for me. I grew up in church, so I knew how to play church. I knew that role.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So well. I know how. When to lift my hands.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

When to speak in tongues, when to fall out, when to do the. When you get a quickening. I mean, I knew how to do it. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

I just learned. I don't really know how. I have one of the fewest worships. Because you got the gift of speaking there. Yeah. But it was weird for me. No. It was a couple years ago, but still. Like, I'm fresh off the salvation bus. Sometimes I feel like, you know, because I said yes to Jesus, but then I wasn't living like it.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

And you don't get to experience the fullness of who God is when you're actually not living like it at all.

[A]

And then you counterfeit. You get a counterfeit, bro. Counterfeit faith equivales to a counterfeit experience.

[B]

With the Lord 100. The magnitude of who he is. I could cry right now. Give me my little thing. I couldn't believe that the church that I was a part of, knowing that I was a baby Christian, allowed me to live in my baby Christianity for that long. Because who he actually is. If people actually knew. What.

[A]

If you actually knew. And I. And Tony, I want to tell you because I know we're jumping all over the place, but I want to tell you that has been one of the most transformative things that has happened in my life. I grew up in the church. Grew up with a praying, saved mom, speaking tongues, all the things. But until I picked this up for myself, I know and saw the consistent nature of God all throughout this word, from Genesis to Revelation Until I did it for myself.

[B]

And how the same.

[A]

It is not the same.

[B]

And when them words come alive. Oh. In your own life, when, when he becomes the omniscient, omnipresent God that everyone talks about in your life, when you.

[A]

Experience him in ways that only you know. Like you know that you encountered.

[B]

You know that you read that this morning and then you stumbled upon the thing at the Publix grocery store.

[A]

At the Publix.

[B]

And you're like, he's been coming for me all along.

[A]

Relentlessly. When you realize that he has been relentlessly pursuing you, it's crazy.

[B]

It. And it heals you. And here's the thing about it. It's like I believe in resources, mental health resources and accounts to do all the things. And I believe in the healing power of God's presence.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When I recognized that God was for me, coming after me, never against me, my worthiness, something, the insecurity, the I, the. The lies that I tell myself. I need a man. The 13 year old Tony. That's like, I've got to give up my virginity for this man to be worth anything. It just starts to wither away.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because now I'm like the creator of the entire universe is way better than your crusty behind.

[A]

So much better.

[B]

And he is coming for me.

[A]

Loves you. Loves me. He loves you.

[B]

I know, I know.

[A]

It's that. And then I think, I think the thing that always like is mind boggling to me is when you read like Isaiah 6 and you have this like Isaiah 6 moment when you realize that he's holy and perfect.

[B]

And perfect.

[A]

And he came for you. Who is not. Not holy and who is not perfect.

[B]

No.

[A]

And he has been coming for you since the beginning.

[B]

They won. I listen. I'm like, since the beginning.

[A]

Since the beginning he has been pursuing you.

[B]

It's like, what are you doing? Sometimes in my weakest moments, I'm like, who? Why would he waste his time on me?

[A]

On me?

[B]

And I'm like, no. Well, I can hold that emotion, that like, that wonder, that genuine curiosity.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And say, lucky me. Wow. I'm so blessed.

[A]

And this is why I tell people all the time, when Romans 12 says, Present yourself as a living sacrifice, that is the least we can do.

[B]

Unblemished. Holy. The least.

[A]

That's the least. When I say in totality, I'm saying giving the Lord all of me is the least.

[B]

The least.

[A]

It is the least I can do. Because a holy God who created this earth, who created everything, the heavens and the earth spoke this with his mouth, holds the world in the palm of his hands. His thoughts for us outnumbered the grains of this. When I think about this God and that he rescued me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When I wasn't even checking for him.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When I wasn't good to him at all. When I. When I.

[B]

When I traded him, when I traded his presence out for the things that made me feel good. And this sucker's like, I'll be here for you right here when you come back.

[A]

I will never leave you.

[B]

I read this book called the Prodigal God and it's all about the prodigal son. That whole parable, Jesus, describing the character of God, but it's more focused on the dad, which I love.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Because what happens is that we begin to see the character of God. This is again why the word's so powerful. Because for me at least when I first got saved, it was the God that said, if you didn't get that little 10%, you was gonna go to hell probably. And if you don't use that idea, he gonna give it to somebody else. So you should be scared. You need to rush it through when it's like, yeah, he may give the idea to someone else because he needs something to come to fruition in the earth, but he's not penalizing you. He's just actively building the kingdom of God. Anyways, that fear based ministry is always so weird, you know, it's weird anyways. But what's beautiful when you get into your word and you flesh out the character of who God is for yourself is that now you get to see these beautiful parables. This man whose son has quite liter spit in his face by taking his inheritance, going out twerking with the Jezebels and twerking, twerking, lost all his little money, then was trying to eat the pig food. They wouldn't let him have the pig food. He's like, dang, I don't have anything.

[A]

Else I don't have.

[B]

Now he may have been convicted maybe, but we don't really know the nature of his heart in that moment. We just know that he didn't have anything.

[A]

Anything.

[B]

He. It's all. It's like us.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When we run out of freaking thread and it's like, let me go ahead, go back, shoot, get a warm plate to eat. You know what I'm saying? Like, okay. And still.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The character of God is his father in the front of the house, waiting, waiting and watching. Lisa Harper preaches about this. She says that he's watching the city Gates. Because in that tradition, the sun would re. Enter the city and the town would come after him because they would have heard that he dogged his daddy out. It's like, no, you about to get stoned out here.

[A]

Yeah, you can't come over.

[B]

You can't come over here. So not only is his Father, our Father in heaven, looking and waiting for us, but he's trying to protect us from any further hurt that we caused ourselves. And then the character of God, the scripture says he hoists up his robe. He shows his little knobby knees. Okay.

[A]

Hoist.

[B]

Hoist.

[A]

I like that word.

[B]

He hoists up. He lifts it up, which is an embarrassing thing for him and for him and the stature of who he is in that community. And he runs.

[A]

Runs. It's that part. You're running towards me.

[B]

And he celebrates his coming home. What?

[A]

And he restores him.

[B]

And he restores him to his rightful. To his place.

[A]

Rightful place.

[B]

And his brother was mad at it. We won't talk about. We'll talk about him later.

[A]

And I get his. I get his brother.

[B]

Which I understand.

[A]

I totally understand.

[B]

Because it's like, no, you ran from God. And I spit in his face. I've been here. I've been going to church every Sunday.

[A]

Okay. Talk about them.

[B]

But come on, we gotta look at the scripture and know that the character of God also leaves the 99.

[A]

Yes, he does.

[B]

And he goes for the one loss.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Which should be our posture as well.

[A]

So good.

[B]

And like that. That's the God that you and I are talking about. If you don't know him, That's.

[A]

Yes. I think. I think that this is why I've been so, like, with this platform and just with everything that I'm doing. Like, you don't see me show up anywhere without this. Yeah. And it's because this has been my lifeline.

[B]

Yeah. It's the blueprint.

[A]

This is my.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Lifeline.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And like, I was talking in another episode where I have the same outfit on.

[B]

We love it.

[A]

We love it. Where. But I was talking about. And I told you when we talked the other day on the phone when I was blind for three days.

[B]

Still crazy to me.

[A]

And. But I didn't have. I could not see this.

[B]

Oh, that.

[A]

But I had it in you.

[B]

Had it in you.

[A]

You know, you were living on the.

[B]

Offense, not the defense.

[A]

Do you know what I'm saying? Do you know what I'm saying? Like, it was in me. I didn't like. And this is because you don't know when an affliction is going to come. You don't know when a it is coming, period.

[B]

Living an imperfect world.

[A]

We're following Genesis 3. We're going to. We're going to have suffering affliction. And you don't know when it's coming. But this is why. This is why Paul says, put on the full armor of God. All right, guys, listen. We all know that there are things in life that we have to compromise on. Like the apartment that's in your budget, but with an upstairs neighbor who plays loud music at the most inconvenient times or going to the grocery store that's always out of everything just because it's nearby. But when it comes to your health, there's no compromise. So don't go back to that doctor who uses your appointment to catch up on the latest headlines, family group chats, their crossword puzzles just because they're available right now, or they take your slightly sketchy insurance. Instead, check out zocdoc, the place where you can find and book doctors who will make you feel comfortable, listen to you and prioritize your health. And you can search by location, availability and insurance. So literally no compromise here because with zocdoc, you've got more options than you know. Zocdoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. We're talking about in network appointments with more than 100,000 healthcare providers across every specialty from mental health, dental health, eye care, skin care, and much more. You can filter specifically for ones who take your insurance, locate it near you and treat almost every and any condition you're searching for. These doctors are all verified reviews from actual real patients, not robots. Plus, Zocdoc appointments happen fast, typically within 24 to 72 hours of booking. You can even score same day appointments. I use Zocdoc and so should you. Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to zocdoc.com totality and find and instantly book a top rated Dr. That Zocdoc.com totality Zocdoc.com totality All right guys, back to the show. All right guys, before we continue on with this episode, I want to talk to you about a topic that I love. Laundry is a ritual. We all do. Our next sponsor has made the ritual of laundry day so much better. This podcast is sponsored by Laundry Sauce. Laundry Sauce created the world's best smelling laundry detergent. In simple to use high performance pods. Laundry Sauce has transformed doing laundry into a Luxury and exciting experience so you don't have to dread laundry day anymore. So what's the secret sauce behind laundry Sauce? They partner with one of the top fragrance houses in the world. The same team behind many of your favorite designer scents. From Australian sandalwood to Egyptian rose to Siberian pine, Laundry day will never smell the same again. I just use the Egyptian road pods and my clothes smell amazing. Laundry Sauce has some of the most authentic reviews you'll ever read. Like Tim describing laundry sauce as. It's like being transported to a land of bliss. You guys, listen. It's not just the pods. Laundry Sauce makes scent boosters, dryer sheets, dryer balls, fabric softeners, and even candles. Plus, if you aren't happy, send back laundry Sauce for a full refund, no questions asked. Now it's time to elevate your laundry ritual with laundry Sauce. Head over to laundrysauce.com totality and use promo code totality to check out 15% off. That's the best offer you'll find, but you must use my code totality for 15 off your order one last time. That's laundry sauce.com totality use promo code totality for 15% off. The habit every day with it on. You need the armor in your sleeve. Are you kidding me?

[B]

That'd be the way I'd be wrestling the most in my right.

[A]

What'd you be doing?

[B]

What is happening? Why can't I go to sleep? But there's been nights when I love James 4. 7, the message version. It says, yell a loud no to the enemy. Watch him flee. Whisper a quiet yes to Jesus. He'll be there in no time. You need those words when you're like, I don't actually have anything to say right now, but I'm so angry at everything that just happened in my life. And so what I'm gonna say is, no enemy, Jesus, come get me. Come and get me.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

And sometimes that's all we have.

[A]

Help me.

[B]

But those little scriptures, the Psalm 34:18, he's close to the brokenhearted. He revives those who are crushed in spirit. Okay, I'm feeling crushed. I'm feeling super brokenhearted right now. Oh, wow. He promises that he'd be close.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

If I'm brokenhearted, it should activate my faith to remember instantly that he's close.

[A]

He's near.

[B]

I'm sad. Daddy. God, I know you're here. Right? Like, that's why we need the word of God. We need it because it's promises. It's promises all throughout that.

[A]

Yes. And Knowing. And like I said, knowing the consistent nature of God. So that if he said this, he's not changing. One of the biggest lessons that I feel like I've learned.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Recently. Was that I was having this pity party. Feeling like the. Like, I'm. So is it irredeemable or unredeemable? I don't know how to say that.

[B]

Words are hard.

[A]

Hard for me.

[B]

It's gonna be hard. It's just gonna prolong.

[A]

It's. But you guys know what I'm saying. I thought that I was unable to be redeemed.

[B]

Redeemable.

[A]

Unredeemable.

[B]

That feels good.

[A]

That feels right. Unredeemable. It doesn't.

[B]

Put it in the comments for us.

[A]

Please, but gently, be nice.

[B]

I know. Don't put the little asterisk there. Just don't grammar police us, but just slide it on there. No caps, please.

[A]

But I felt like I was not able to be redeemed. I felt that the sins that I have committed and all the things like. And the enemy was just beating me up. Like, he meant that for everybody but you.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

He meant that for everybody but you. And I remember the Lord checking me one time because the Lord checks me. He's. He is Daddy God.

[B]

He's daddy God, but he's Daddy.

[A]

Sometimes he's gonna be like, yeah. So he was like, megan, you are uniquely made, but you are not that special. I'm not changing my nature for you. If I. If I said I am near you, then I'm near. If you're near to them, then I'm near to you. I'm not changing for you. Sometimes it reveals how selfish we are. Act like how selfish and how entitled, entitled, arrogant, and prideful we are.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He was like, no, baby, I'm. Baby, I'm. I'm God, and I'm not changing.

[B]

I'm not sure I love you. I feel I love him. And I just. You know, I do know.

[A]

Do you know?

[B]

I do know.

[A]

I know you know.

[B]

And you know what's funny is for a season, I used to kind of feel the opposite with God. Like, I would not bring him any of the bad stuff, but I would be, like, real celebratory.

[A]

Like, Lord, I'm so thankful.

[B]

Did you see what we did? Got a couple people saved on this Sunday. Got a couple of people saved. I wanted to celebrate with him because I thought that if I brought him any mess, it would make me. It would discount me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He doesn't. He doesn't want this. He doesn't know he's never going to be proud of me. I equated my earthly father's reactions to my life to him, to my heavenly Father, and it's easy for us to slip into that, which is why it's so important for us to have healthy relationships. Because if we're around the wrong people too much, we will reflect their character onto a perfect God.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

I'm discounted because when I got a divorce, the church threw me away. So God must have, too. When did God's power equate to the power of a pastor? As if he's our Savior.

[A]

Hello. As if he got on the cross. Hello. Hello. Hello.

[B]

This man told me he is a tree. I said, you hate the vines. What you talking about? You ain't. And we have to be careful with our relationship with the church and with pastors and all this other stuff, because it will easily make us think that God is that way. Because people are our. I mean, humanity is God's plan A. He is using us to. You know, in Luke, it says that, you know, we give, and it'll be given unto us. Pressed down, shook him together. Man will pour into your bosom. He will use people.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And so we have to be careful with the people that we're around, that they are edifying to God, that their lives are edifying. Because it's easy for our fragile little small brains to say, okay, if I'm treated like that on earth, then God must treat me like that, too.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And he's just.

[A]

And that's why this is so important, because we know his nature over man's nature. And you see both. You see how man is, which I.

[B]

Love that the Bible did that.

[A]

I love that. I love how honest and transparent it is to show the totality of who God is and the totality of how man. I think that that's so important and so that way it now. It gives you context to discern and have wisdom. And when you're approaching relationships and people, okay, this is. This is God. This is not God. This is what God was saying. This is not what God was doing.

[B]

This would be his response to this. In John 8, we got this woman. She sleeping with somebody else husband. What would God say about infidelity?

[A]

What would.

[B]

I don't condemn you. You better leave your life a sin, though, he said, because he's all grace, all truth, all the time. Period, Perry.

[A]

Period.

[B]

I like that.

[A]

Okay, so I want to talk about something that's kind of hard.

[B]

Oh, shoot. Let's do it. Let me hoist myself Up.

[A]

Yeah. Hoist.

[B]

I don't know how you sitting Indian style for so long.

[A]

I won't be. I know that knee hurt it.

[B]

Ah, the hip flexor came up. Ah, Jesus. Your guest be in his style.

[A]

No, they be stretching their feet out.

[B]

Okay, let me see. Got my little airplane socks on. Thank you. I gotta. I got more. I got some more. Tony. I had to go outside to get my lip gloss and I didn't. Messed up my socks and make it hold. Podcast is.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Let me put. I'm gonna put it. Don't put that little thing on there. Dang it. Now I gotta sacrifice my knees again.

[A]

You gotta sacrifice at the altar. Okay. So you and I have something very. We have something in common.

[B]

I thought you better throw that Bible at me like, he beat you with the word of God.

[A]

We.

[B]

I'm ready.

[A]

I didn't publicly go through a divorce, but I publicly went through a divorce, if that makes sense. Well, I went. I publicly went through a divorce without being divorced to a public figure. Does that make sense? And so you went. You were a public figure who went through a public divorce with another public Jesus. And so.

[B]

Like that.

[A]

I mean, I'm sorry. I did. You did. And it sucked. It still sucks. But it's something that I feel very connected to you with. Just because not a lot of people understand what this. This journey is like.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

To be a public figure.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And to be saved. Sanctified.

[B]

A Christian spirit. Yep.

[A]

And to go through this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so I kind of just want to talk through, you know, all the things. How's it going?

[B]

You okay?

[A]

Are you fine?

[B]

Are you okay, man? It was terrible. Yeah. I say this all the time now. I'm like, divorce is hard. It's weird. People don't know who to choose. That your community gets split up, kids, all these things.

[A]

Awkward.

[B]

It's expensive. It robs everything that you ever have made in your whole life. Okay.

[A]

And I didn't even make. I hadn't even.

[B]

I was like, what is happening? It's horrible.

[A]

It's very bad.

[B]

And divorce publicly is even worse.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's interesting because I've been trying to do my best to protect my ex husband, which even saying that out loud, it's like. You're just freaking. I'm like. Makes me so mad. I'm still processing through anger and counseling right now. But I said this to you the other day. The only reason why I'm protecting my ex husband is because I'm protecting my children from the disgusting things that he did. And I Just, I don't want vengeance.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because it's not mines to carry. It never has been.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And the Bible promises that vengeance has a home and it's in the hands of Jesus. It is God's path or no way for me. And I think the hardest thing about my divorce was not only that, I found out about all the infidelity and everything from my ex husband. He was being extorted. He had to tell me. There was a video of some sort. And he ended up having to tell me. And the truth is, it was the third time over five years. And I forgiven once, forgiven twice, all the things. And I was in Nashville when he called me, and I was filming with a Christian station, and I had all my friends on the hallway with me. I'm talking about people that I do for real life with, which is the kindness of God's timing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I hang up with my ex husband and I text them, and I was like, I hope you guys are up. I just got the most devastating worst news in my entire life. I don't know what to do. Da, da, da. And they, you know, we started having this conversation, and I remember looking in my friend Jamie's eyes, and I was like, I have to leave this time. Right. Because there is a gift in me that values redemption so much. I want to see people. My ministry is called Broken Crayon Steal Color. Like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I want to see people create beauty from broken things. I. I want it so bad, and I wanted that so bad for our family.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I think that's what's the hardest.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is for people to look at me and say, man, like, this is the Broken Crowns girl. She's the redemption. And to see so much brokenness in.

[A]

My life that you can't redeem.

[B]

I literally couldn't redeem it, and I still can't.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's really hard.

[A]

Hard.

[B]

Because I'm literally serving hope to people in a hopeless situation. And it's pulling on a part of me that needs God because I don't have it. And. No buts. All ands. And I've seen the goodness of God in the land of the living because of that. Because I lost my marriage because I had no other choice but to leave it. It was no longer God honoring. There wasn't repentance there. I. I don't know. I've leaned on God.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like. And I like it. Like, I. I mean, I'm not like a pain junkie. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I just. It Makes God so much bigger.

[A]

When it makes him real.

[B]

It makes him so real.

[A]

It makes him real to me and.

[B]

To people that are watching in. It's like I. This is. There's so much injustice in the situation. Like so much.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And there's so much goodness.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm watching my ex husband live his bop around and live his best life as if nothing has happened at all. With no accountability. Just to bopping around.

[A]

It's the bopping for me.

[B]

Bopping.

[A]

It's the bopping.

[B]

It is for me. As soon as I'm sure. I don't know how you sleeping at night. I don't know how you eating food.

[A]

But I think that, that. I think that. Okay. A few things. Number one, I want to say that I. Not that I am someone of whatever, but I'm just really proud of how you've handled this situation because I know what it's like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

To not tell your side of the story. I know what that's like in several situations.

[B]

A lot. A lot.

[A]

I know what it's like to not tell your side.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I know what it's like to honor when you're not being honored. I know what it's like to protect when you're not being protected. I know what it's like to love when you're not being loved.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And what I also know is so does Lord.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

And yeah. In this suffering, that sometimes it feels like suffering.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

It also is serving. And it's an honor because I get to share in this suffering with Christ. Because the same way that he protected when he wasn't being respected for being. Protecting, for being a protector. The same way that he still honored and covered and loved and forgave and you know what I'm saying, Like, I get to share in some of this suffering with Christ. And I love that I. I feel like that's what you mean when it's like. I love that because you get to identify with Christ now. And it's just a beautiful thing to experience.

[B]

I've never.

[A]

I just want to say I'm proud of you because I understand what this is like. And the way that you carry yourself, the life that you have, you're just so full of joy. Like, nobody can be in your presence for more than five seconds without laughing. Like, you just literally exude joy. And I'm just happy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That the Lord has kept you. And my mom was telling me that today. She was like, you know, the Lord, he's our Lord, he's our Savior, but he's a keeper. He keeps us.

[B]

He does.

[A]

He really does. And so, anyway, I wanted to say that because I just love the way that you've navigated through all of the things.

[B]

Thank you, Daddy God.

[A]

Thank you, Daddy God. But I wanted to talk about, I think people who see women who are divorced, especially in the church context.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There is a lot of shame that comes with that. It's like, oh, you have no right to divorce. And you're supposed to stay through everything. You're supposed to stick through everything. And then when divorce happens, there's this misconception that because I am moving on or trying to move on or making or allowing the Lord to color beautiful things out of this brokenness in my life, that I am somehow rejoicing in this divorce or that I am somehow happy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That this. Like, I don't think people realize.

[B]

Yeah. The.

[A]

What's the word I'm looking for? The pain. Like, I didn't want this. You know what I mean?

[B]

Like, divorce is a severing.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[B]

First of all, let's just. Marriage is a covenant.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Not a wedding. Not a cute little Instagram post. Best friendship. Not a connected BFF necklace. It is a covenant.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It is a covenant that is tethered by the holiness of who Jesus is. When a divorce happens, it is a severing of that covenant that is bound by the holiness of Jesus. And so it is devastating. Devastating here on earth, in the spiritual realm, in heaven. Like, it's. And I just want to. I want people to know that. And places like Georgia, who let you get divorced in 30 days. Okay. Like, they've tried to, I think, make it like it's a breakup.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's not. You were married before God and divorced before God.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I don't think anyone that goes through divorce is saying, oh, that was easy. Well, I'm out of here. I'm about to set it off onto the next single now. No. We are having to heal from the severing that has happened. And we know that resurrection has no power without death. And if we are going to be Christ through and through, we need to be Christ through our divorce, too. And we need to show people what it is like to get resurrection on the other side of death.

[A]

That's good.

[B]

And if we can't do that with divorce, with. I mean, leaving a church, if we can't show people what it's like to get back up again, then we are not being Christ.

[A]

Like, okay. Like, okay.

[B]

We're not being like him, you know? At all.

[A]

At all.

[B]

Okay. And so, yeah, I do think we get a bad rap with divorce. I mean, I. I had a church cancel on me last month. Well, we saw she got divorced last year and she said this, and he said this. And my ex husband was like, she's abusive and didn't say anything about them. And nothing like, made it seem like it was just like, what? And so still people are like, well, should we bring her out? Should we? And I'm like, dang, I didn't do anything wrong. But what you said earlier, honestly, is the first time I've even framed it up that way. It's like, and Jesus didn't do anything wrong.

[A]

Hello. He was perfect.

[B]

He was literally perfect.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm not. So I know I didn't. Made some mistakes. Now, I wasn't out here cheating. Okay. But I'm not. I wasn't perfect, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so I love this idea of like, sharing in the suffering with Christ. Sharing in the deaths.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Of our lives.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And also sharing with him the resurrections.

[A]

Because it's part of it. It's hand in hand.

[B]

Because it's part of it.

[A]

It's not.

[B]

Or it's the hurt and hope, the grief and gratitude. It's us being able to hold it the same. It's the fact that he quite literally wired our brains to hold emotion through the same neural pathways. Both emotions. You can have grief and gratitude through the same emotions. It's why if you try to numb grief, you will inadvertently numb gratitude. He made us to be able to have the nuance.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Of him crying at knowing that he would. Him weeping, knowing that he would raise someone from the dead that he was crying over.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He's like, no, I. We're capable of holding. Let me show you.

[A]

Yeah. He's just perfect.

[B]

Oh, I love him. Sometimes I want to get a Jesus tattoo on my face.

[A]

You know what I mean? We don't really know.

[B]

We actually don't know. Maybe across. We have to settle.

[A]

Yeah. I think we should just.

[B]

Because it could get weird if I. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's like, what's his eyes like that. What color we shading him in?

[A]

Because the Bible.

[B]

Because it's out.

[A]

He wasn't really attractive.

[B]

God dang it. You're right. Scruffy, rough around the edges.

[A]

They brought that up to me.

[B]

That hair was like, he wasn't. What they said about he wasn't, but he was attractive.

[A]

I was like, our savior wasn't attractive.

[B]

Honestly, though, I'm glad though, because just imagine if you was there back in the day and he rolled up and was kind of cute. You'd be like.

[A]

And was healing people. Hello. And he was single.

[B]

Excuse me.

[A]

Hello.

[B]

Jesus. What is your name?

[A]

Yeshua. Yeshua, how are you?

[B]

Did your mama.

[A]

Mary.

[B]

Hey, Mary.

[A]

You got a brother close to Peter.

[B]

You got a brother. Okay, can't have him. You got a brother. You do. What's the name? So he's perfect.

[A]

He is perfect.

[B]

And he's good.

[A]

How has it been with being a mom? Because that's been the. That's been like the most enlightening part of this whole transformation for me. I feel like I'm a different mom. I'm a totally different mom. 100 being a single mom than I was when I was married. Half the time through my marriage, I was deeply depressed and like angry and hated my life.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

But now, yeah, I've had depressive moments. They come upon us, you know, But I've been filled with. With the spirit, which is different. Which, like, because I have the Holy Spirit in me, I'm. I'm gentle and I'm kind and I'm patient and.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I'm saying? So different.

[B]

All the things slow to anger.

[A]

I mean, slow. I used to snap.

[B]

Oh, quick.

[A]

Ah, you better sit quick now. I'm like.

[B]

I'm like, hey, baby, let's talk about.

[A]

Let's sit down for a sec for me. Let's talk about it.

[B]

Let's talk about why you're jumping so hard on the couch right now.

[A]

Let's. Yeah. Let's just talk about what your attitude is.

[B]

You want some fun? You want to go outside? I know.

[A]

Yeah. You need some ice cream.

[B]

I am definitely a different mom. I remember it's so crazy. The kindness of the Lord. When my ex husband called me, told me all the things, I talked to my friends, I cried very hard in the hotel room. I ordered some lemon blueberry pancakes because I stress eat. And then I got on counseling with. With my. My counselor. And it was crazy because now this is illegal, so I might just have to say it and she gonna have to find out later. I have virtual counseling and you're only supposed to have virtual accounting like in the states that they're licensed in. Well, I was in Nashville. Okay. I was in Tennessee, but I had forgotten to cancel my counseling session.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

And I pop online with her and I was like, it's an emergency. And she's like, okay. And then thankfully, it's not illegal if it's an emergency.

[A]

So you're good.

[B]

But thank you, Daddy God, for keeping that, for making me forget to do the thing. Because now I got counseling two hours after I just found all this out. And I. She goes, how are you feeling? How are you feeling towards God? And are you okay to go home? Because I know your kids are going to be waiting for you when you get back. And the first thing I said was, I'm not mad at God. Which now I know that I was very mad, but I didn't want to be.

[A]

Yeah, we have to be honest with ourselves too.

[B]

I recently realized, oh, I am actually mad. And he can handle that. I did not want to say it. I just told her, I said, I'm just so disappointed. I'm so disappointed. Like, I've been through so much already.

[A]

Why would he do that?

[B]

And then I expressed some of my feelings to her and I said, I'm scared to go home to my kids. What am I going to say? How am I going to act? How long do I keep it from them? I have a 10 year old, they were young, and then at the time, a nine year old and a one year old. And I'm like the one year old angle. He's just bopping around. Okay. You could probably feel the trauma a little bit, but he doesn't really know. But my daughter, who has gone through divorce with me before from her father, I just. I deeply did not want that for her.

[A]

Yeah, deeply.

[B]

And I honestly think I stayed so.

[A]

Long because of that. Because I just.

[B]

I did not want to divorce again. And my daughter has some behavioral struggles. And I remember going home and I slept in her room that night. And the next morning, I know I've taken nine tissues. I knew that I was going to leave because the conversations with my ex husband were not. Let's try to heal. Let's try to.

[A]

They weren't productive.

[B]

Yeah. How are we going to frame this up to the public? How are we going to not lose the church? Like, it was just. Sometimes I just sat there, I recorded all the conversations because I was so scared. I didn't know what was going on. But I. Sometimes I thank God you did. Thank God I did. And sometimes I go back and honestly listen to them to remind myself that I made the right choice, you know?

[A]

Yeah, for sure.

[B]

But I remember having to tell my daughter. But before I did, my counselor said to me, tony, I just want you to know that you don't have to fill any buckets for your daughter but your own. And I was like, what do you mean, she was like. Like, you know, single moms, oftentimes we think that we have to fill our mom bucket. And then the dad that's, like, present but not present. And then all the other little buckets. And she was like, you'll never be able to fill it. All you can do is give opportunity to the rightful owner of the bucket. She was like, and whatever they don't feel, God will.

[A]

Yes, he will.

[B]

He will do it. Just fill your bucket.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

I remember sitting with my daughter, and I. I looked up some, like, different phrases, and how do you say what happened? You know, some lies were told. I couldn't, you know, all these different things. And she. I'll never forget. She puts her hand on my shoulder. She said, well, mom, at least you have me, and I got your back, and we're gonna be okay. And we were just sitting in two little chairs in front of our, like, back window, and I was just like my daughter. As much as I didn't want to expose her to this kind of pain, she will never be able to say that she didn't see redemption in her life. She has witnessed what it looks like to get back up again. And that's a gift that only the Lord could give out of something so painful.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's beautiful.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She is resilient because of what we've walked through.

[A]

Yeah. I think that that's one thing that I have seen out of my children. Yeah. And then I know that you're seeing out of your children is their resilience, man.

[B]

Not to be taken for granted, but to be.

[A]

I mean, for sure. Like, I didn't. Our. My situation was kind of similar to yours. Yeah. Especially in the sense of, like, there was. It at the time, there especially felt like there was no real repentance and commitment to change. Yeah. And I think that. That. I think those are the harder things to deal with, is the fact that it doesn't feel like you want to. Like, if I stay, we're going to be in the same cycle.

[B]

It's gonna. Well, I mean, it's pretty clear at this point there's an addiction here. Okay. There is an addiction here happening.

[A]

And I remember my kids, you know, because my ex and I were not healthy in the way that we communicated with each other. And my kids would often hear us argue and see us fight, which I hate that I put my kids in that position. But I remember my oldest son used to tell us all the time, if you guys ever divorce, I'll never smile again. He used to Tell us this all the time. I'll never be happy. I'll never be happy again if you guys divorce. I'll never. And so for so long I held that because I was terrible. Terrified of what it would do to my son.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Especially my oldest because he's such a. He's literally like the male version of you. He's just the hat. I mean, I love that little Teletubby is just the happiest child. Like, especially as a kid. He was just happy and bouncing around. And I love everybody. And I love everybody.

[B]

And.

[A]

And the night that we told them there is. There is a change that you see in your children.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When you have to tell them something like that. It's innocence. Oh.

[B]

You just became like an adult, you know, like.

[A]

Yeah. You literally see the innocence leave them. You see it come out of their eyes a little bit and it's the most painful thing and you have to like hold it because you, you like. I know I'm the one that did this to you. And I.

[B]

And this is why you trust the Lord.

[A]

Because if not, the enemy will wear you out with that. I mean, wear you out. Yeah. And so I saw the innocence leave them spark something uncommon this holiday with just the right gifts from Uncommon Good Goods. The busy holiday season is here and Uncommon Goods makes it less stressful with incredible hand picked gifts for everyone on your list. All in one spot. Gifts that spark, joy, wonder, delight. And it's exactly what I wanted type of feeling. Look, they've searched the entire globe for original, handmade, absolutely remarkable things. Somehow they know exactly the perfect gift for every single person you know. Here's a few of my favorite gifts that I found on the site. Listen, anyone who knows me, they know I love charcuterie boards. And they have the most amazing cheese and cracker boards. I'm getting them for everyone that I know. When you shop at Uncommon Goods, you're supporting artists and small independent businesses. Many of their handcrafted products are made in small batches. So shop now before they sell out. Before the holiday season, Uncommon Goods looks for products that are high quality, unique and often handmade or made in the US they have the most meaningful out of the ordinary gifts anywhere. They even have gifts that you can personalize. From holiday hosts and hostess gifts to the coolest finds for kids to hits for everyone. From book lovers to die hard sports fan, Uncommon Goods has something for everyone. Not the same old selections you can find just anywhere. And with every purchase you make, they give back a dollar to a non profit partner of your choice. They've donated more than $3 million to date. All right, guys, listen. To get 15 off your next gift, go to UncommonGoods.com totality that's UncommonGoods.com totality for 15 off. Don't miss out on this limited time offer uncommon goods where we're all out of the ordinary. I've tried milk kits before, but the taste of food just hasn't done it for me until now. This podcast is sponsored by Marley Spoon. Marley Spoon knows bland foods is boring, so they created the best tasting meal kit money can buy. And with my code totality, you can get up to 27 free meals with Marley Spoon. You can choose from over a hundred delicious recipes every week, from Cajun spiced chicken to poached salmon to butternut squash gnocchi to a vegan burrito bowl. My favorite recent meal from Marley Spoon was their Tuscan spice steak. You can now indulge in their festive meals and desserts this holiday season with new premium protein recipes like duck breast with sour cherry sauce and crispy Persian rice. And dishes to make every meal special like the holiday breakfast waffle with candy bacon. And also, customers can enjoy exclusive taste from the Martha Stewart's 100 Cookbook with a selection of specially adapted recipes that will really elevate your holiday spread. And many of the recipes are completely customizable. So whether you are looking for a vegetarian meal, family friendly dishes, or low carb option, Marley Spoon has the food you want to eat. My stomach is growling just talking about all this Marley Spoon food. I just cooked a recipe for Marley Spoon last night and my family loved it. There's something really rewarding about cooking food yourself and it tasting amazing versus doing expensive, unhealthy takeout. This holiday season, give the gift of great personalized food with Marley Spoon. Head over to Marleyspoon.com offer/T totality and use code totality for up to 27 free meals. That's right. Up to 27 free meals with Marley Spoon. One last time, guys. That's Marley spoon.com offer back totality for up to 27 free meals. And make sure you use my promo code totality so they know I sent you. All right, guys, back to the show a little bit. And I went up to my oldest room and he was just laying in his room. This is like the worst.

[B]

I know.

[A]

And he was just laying in his room and he didn't have. He didn't have any, like anything playing or anything like that. Yeah, he was just laying there and I laid next to him, and I just wept because I couldn't say anything. I just kept saying, I'm sorry, you know, I'm really sorry. I tried. And he. He rubbed my. My army said, mom, I know you tried. I know you tried. He's like, I know. I know you tried. It's gonna be okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so in those moments, you know, I started thinking about. The Lord has brought a lot of those memories back to me. And he reminded me that, Megan, before I placed them in your womb, I knew them. And though I did not choose for this to happen, he knows. And if I. Like, if he knew what this would be for me, he knew what it would be for them. And just like Paul said about that thorn in your side, but my grace is sufficient. And that's all he kept reminding me, my grace is sufficient. It's sufficient for you, and it's sufficient for those kids.

[B]

That's my life first, by the way. Second Corinthians, chapter 12, verse 9, period. My grace is sufficient, and my power.

[A]

Is made perfect in your weakness.

[B]

That doesn't even make any sense. What are you talking about? He's literally saying, the weaker you are. And the second part of the scripture that Paul proclaims, that's also our responsibility is, therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about weaknesses. I'm gonna talk about it. I'm gonna get on the podcast. I'm gonna cry. I'm a snot. I'm getting a little snot on it, and I'm gonna talk about it. Because I need to make God bigger for you so that, you know he's still a redeemer.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I need to make God bigger for my kids. He is. Gosh, two months ago, we were riding through the car, Dylan was like, you know, because that's when kids get real vulnerable in the car. I'll be like.

[A]

They'd be telling everything, all their business and their friends, and they friends. Mom did, you know? And they've been telling their friends, parents, business.

[B]

I'd be like, oh, mom, okay. No, wait a minute. She said, you know, this past year has been really, really hard, but I feel like our life is better. And then she just. I was like, okay, because.

[A]

God's good.

[B]

If God knew. If there's one person that you want to know, what's going to happen is going to be God. Because in his knowing, he has a plan. I'm like, this is why. I'm like, y'all better stop playing around now. Y'all better repent. Because God Knows. And he has a plan for. He's not. He doesn't sit idly by. He's a master chess player, and he is quite literally moving the pieces around.

[A]

Yes. He is.

[B]

Fever and, like, intentionality.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And it's like, if God knew, I would be in this situation and my kids would be in this situation. He's coming. I've seen. I've tasted all the Kool Aid. I have seen him come through over and over again. We didn't have health insurance. I didn't see us get free health insurance, which I don't even know how that's even possible. Don't tell nobody, okay? Don't knock. Not report that to the Georgia compass.gov because I don't know how we got free insurance this year. We got free health insurance this year.

[A]

Amen.

[B]

Okay? He's the God that knows that I would have needed to move out of my house, which I hated, because my ex husband wouldn't leave. And same. And I'm like, okay, well, time for a new house.

[A]

I wanted to say. He was like, no, we gotta sell it.

[B]

I'm like, nope, it's over. But he knew the house that we would move into, and he knew it'd be perfect for us. And he Knew It'd be nine minutes from my daughter's school and 10 minutes from her dad's house.

[A]

And he.

[B]

Because he had a plan and a divine purpose for our pain. And he is not at all saying, oh, the pain's so worth it, because it's not. But he is saying, I will not waste it. He's promising us that he won't waste it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's what I'm riding out on. You let something bad happen today. I'd be, like, about to crush it. Me and my guy, we about to crush it. Move out the way, y'all. Like, it's. I know he's coming.

[A]

What I love is, like, the analogy that I have when I moved into this house. Like, I'm thankful that my, you know, my ex wasn't really tripping about a lot of stuff. So I got to keep a lot of things for sure. But I remembered this. There were a lot of things that I didn't get to keep, and I was. We were remembering. Like, how am I gonna fill the spaces?

[B]

Oh, girl.

[A]

And then I look in this house now, and I walk around sometimes, and I see every room, every crevice, every I. And it's so. It's the same as what he would do with your heart. When you feel that it is so, like, how is this ever going to be filled again? And then all of a sudden, you wake up one day, you're like, I have friends.

[B]

I got friends.

[A]

I have community.

[B]

I got a new church.

[A]

It's a church. Hey, I have a healthy pastor.

[B]

A healthy pastor. Now that's a real win. Let's be honest about that. It's weird. You know what's interesting? I. The divorce cost a whole bunch of money. And I said the same thing. I left my ex husband. Like, the couch and the tv. I felt bad, you know, like, it's like, okay, my mama was mad. Take that tv. I said, no, I'm not taking the tv. I said, I'm gonna take the dining room table. He can have a bed because I don't want to be in that nasty thing no more. But also, I just felt like I just kept imagining him walking to the house with nothing, you know, like, with no couch. And he's sitting on a little plastic folded chair. And as you know, there's. My flesh was like, let him sit on that plastic foldy chair. And then there was something that was like, leave the couch. Leave the t. I've got more tv.

[A]

I've got more, I've got more.

[B]

But what was crazy is that I remember the night before I moved out of the house. I was weeping. I mean, my mom held me, my nanny held me. Like, it was just. I was so mad. My son's room was the last thing that we had to clear out. And I just was so angry at that. And I was like, I don't have any money to, like, I don't know how I'm going to furnish, like, how Dylan's bed, I don't know. And my friends put together an Amazon wish list. And I walk. I can literally see my house right now. And the couch and the rug and these two chairs are from my best friend Ashley. And my daughter Dylan's room is from Jackie, who literally bought her a bed and mattress. Like, my room is from my group therapy group who did the rug. And. And they even got me one of those, like, vanity mirrors, which I didn't have to do that because we only needed the needs, you know?

[A]

Right.

[B]

They made it all pretty.

[A]

I love that.

[B]

And all my people came and set up my house and brought balloons and I like, yeah, it just. It sucks. It. It sucks because I want people to just really know that it gets better.

[A]

It does.

[B]

Which sounds so shallow, but it does. But it.

[A]

It does. And then it just does. And then you have hard Days. And then you have better days, and then you have sucky weeks, and then you have marvelous months.

[B]

And then you're like, I'm gonna run him over.

[A]

And then you're like, that's not right in the rear view mirror of your car. And you're like, reverse, Reverse.

[B]

He's dead to me. And then you're like, I'm gonna post it. I'm gonna post all the recordings. I'm gonna take them down. Oh. And I'm like, no, I'm not. That's gonna be bad. It's gonna be so bad. Everyone's gonna know the truth. And my kids. And it's gonna all start all over again. I'm gonna tell everybody. It's like, it's.

[A]

It's crazy. It's a roller coaster. But the entire time, if you trust. If you trust the Lord in the same way that you trust that this seat belt and this harness is going to protect you when you're going through these loops and you're upside down and you're all over the place, if you can just trust the Lord. Yep. Know that you are safe. You are so safe and protected in his arms, and he is covering you and shielding you. And, like, I think that's the biggest thing. It's like you are. And. And you are not forgotten. No, you are not.

[B]

The top of mind.

[A]

Not the waste in the. Like. I want people to know that no matter what that church might say about you, no matter what that pastor might say about you, no matter what that that church group might think about you or that conference might say, whatever. The Lord loves you, and you are top priority to Him.

[B]

And his love is greater than any.

[A]

Anything. Anything.

[B]

All of it. Like, literally everything. It's better than a warm donut.

[A]

It is.

[B]

You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Okay. So before we leave.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Two things. Number one, quickly.

[B]

I'm ready.

[A]

When. Or is this even? I like to talk about this because I don't have a whole lot of single friends.

[B]

Okay, great. Me neither.

[A]

Which we need to, like. We need to do better at connecting because we know truly the same.

[B]

I'm like, oh, they're all married.

[A]

They're all married.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Or they're not. Like, I. We need.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

They don't get it.

[B]

They don't.

[A]

We've both been married. We both have children. People just don't get it. So we need to do better. But this idea.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Of dating again, loving again. I don't.

[B]

It's the worst.

[A]

I feel like there's times that there Are moments where I'm like, I absolutely have no space or capacity to even think about that.

[B]

For how?

[A]

What?

[B]

Where are you gonna go? Where you gonna go in this bavoonery? Coonery. I work all the time and I have 19 kids.

[A]

I'm like, like, we live.

[B]

What is that? Is that a bad thing? I don't know nothing about the Atlanta dating scene. Zero percent.

[A]

I don't either. But I'm saying I know about Atlanta. I know about the principalities.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Hello, this is Atlanta.

[B]

You're right.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

We need to move to Ohio or something. Get some southern boys. I need to go back to Texas. Get you a farmer that even got social media. Seriously, you know what I'm saying?

[A]

But like this idea. So do you wrestle with, like, sometimes you're like, like, I think I can do this. And then the other times, like, I don't have the space.

[B]

Well, it's weird because after I hit like a year post divorce, people started being like, that's how much guy?

[A]

Yep. Well, no, nobody's done that to me.

[B]

Twice in the past month.

[A]

I have one that's like, okay, I'll.

[B]

Send you the ones that they.

[A]

I don't want them either.

[B]

Okay. I hope those guys don't know.

[A]

Maybe everyone in my community, if you.

[B]

Know that I'm talking about you. I'm so sorry. We've never met and I'm sorry, but two of my. One of my friends was like, I'm gonna set you up on a blind date. I was like, I don't want anything blind. I want to see. I don't want any surprises.

[A]

I. I've been blindsided.

[B]

I've been blind sided a few times and I don't think I want to do that again. So she sent me his profile, but he's like, in ministry. And I was like, oh, I don't want anybody in ministry anymore because I.

[A]

Hate all you guys.

[B]

Just kidding. But yes. It's like I asked my counselor, I was like, do you think I'm ready? Do you think? Because there's kind of like this unwritten rule around dating when you're a Christian, after divorce or marriage, it's like after or even like a boyfriend situation. It's like, oh, wait a year after you go through a breakup. Wait two years after you go through divorce. And I'm just like, okay, is that real? Like, how do we know does time heals some things, but it don't heal all things. Like, what y'all talking about? I don't know. I don't Know the rules. That's.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

And I've literally had to consult the Lord. I did go on a date.

[A]

You did?

[B]

Very awkward. I did.

[A]

Did you interview him, Tony?

[B]

It was very awkward, and that's what I'm gonna say. There was also this other guy that my friend was like, can I just give him your email? And I gave him. She gave me him my email.

[A]

You know, it's cute.

[B]

And I know because I was like, I don't want nobody to have my number for sure. And I'm emailing this guy, and literally three days in, I was like, brother. I don't. Yeah, I did. I said, brother, listen. I said, brother, listen, which I feel like is a little bit more cordial. I said, I don't want to do this. And same thing with the date. And I'm actually proud of myself because you were honest. I just. Well, I went. I was like, well, let's just go see. And in the moment, I'm like, it doesn't feel right. And my. One of my mentors was like, when you put yourself out there and it feels right, you'll know. And until then, you're going to keep being like, you could be a murderer. You'll eat me and my kids. Those are the thoughts that run through my. My brain for sure, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And also, I. I am in a season right now where I'm trying to figure out how to not have sex.

[A]

Because people don't talk about that. Hell. Well, I am 35, and things are happening to my.

[B]

I'm 33, and I'm so hot right now. I go to the gym every day.

[A]

I'm 34, but I feel 30.

[B]

I feel 57. You want to talk about it? The trauma ages you. I feel 57 years old. Maybe 47, but definitely older than 33, for sure. But I've never been single or dating and not have sex. I had sex with over 20 men by the time I was 21. Like, I just was lit. I lived a whole different life. Then I got saved later in life. Then I got married.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Quick. And so then I was like, okay, well, sex, sex, sex all the way. It's just.

[A]

You just.

[B]

You're married.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And now that I'm not. And so, honestly, I'm learning that right now. What does it actually look like to honor God? Like, with my body.

[A]

With my body.

[B]

I've honored him with my gifts.

[A]

Even by yourself. Honoring your body, not just only by.

[B]

Yourself, because I was exposed to porn at 7. I had a cousin that did some really just horrible things to me when I was 8 and 10. I lost my Virginia at 13. My daughter's 10. I can't even imagine.

[A]

I can't even imagine.

[B]

To a much older guy who's really manipulative, came into my house, all these. With his best friend in the living room. I mean, I have had some really bad exposure to things, battled with porn all throughout high school and college. And so that's one of the things that was easy for me to overcome with marriage and all the different things. And now I'm back again, like, single.

[A]

And it's like, man, this is hard.

[B]

Dang.

[A]

Yeah, it is. It's. It's hard.

[B]

I don't know what this. Sometimes I get nervous. I'm like, I'm about to put my tongue in his mouth if I, you know, sister, if I really like somebody. And I'm like, so attracted. What are you supposed to do?

[A]

And I think that this is why the Lord is saving me, probably so. Are you kidding me? I can't. I. Nope.

[B]

I mean, I could attack somebody's son. I could do it. I know I could see myself. And so I'm like, well, we need to not do this right now because you're clearly not ready. Sweet girl. Okay. No. Now, thankfully, I really didn't. The guy I want to date with. It was, like, cool. The email guy sent me a picture of himself. I threw up in my mouth a little bit. Tony, maybe should take that out. I don't know. It. I just can't. I. But I think it's because I'm just really not sincerely ready.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I still kind of am. Like, I wish all men would evaporate like in Avengers. This is endgame. Like, when they turned into dust.

[A]

Well, we don't want them all.

[B]

Remember when Spiderman was like. And then he was that in there.

[A]

There's some still healing that needs to.

[B]

And that's what I'm trying to say.

[A]

Okay, so when people ask me, megan, when do you think that you'll be ready?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This is what I feel like my answer is.

[B]

Okay, help me. Maybe this.

[A]

When the Lord sends him.

[B]

There it is.

[A]

I. I really do feel like when he sends him, because I do believe that the Lord can do that. I believe that the Lord can send him. And if he wants me to be married, he will make everything free.

[B]

Health care in Georgia. He could send a man.

[A]

Do you know what I'm saying? And I'm so. I'm just like. Like, I think that the Lord will reveal it to me. He will reveal it to my community.

[B]

Yeah. He's not trying to surprise me.

[A]

He's not trying to hold the Bible. He holds no good thing.

[B]

No good thing.

[A]

No good thing from us. So I'm like, when the time withhold.

[B]

Him ratchets trying to come, he'll withhold.

[A]

All them bad ones.

[B]

That's what I'm trying to say.

[A]

And.

[B]

And has and need to. I just honestly, he was withholding him and I was chasing after him.

[A]

Do you know someone was in my dms. So my friend Ebenezer, he's always making fun of me because he like, I know that the dudes be in your dms. So they don't be.

[B]

That they don't. I get. I have.

[A]

I'll show you the guys that are in my DMs. I. I screen recorded my DMS and I showed him a guy that sent me this long message and I went to the man's profile. He had. I'm so sorry.

[B]

I'm ready.

[A]

I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

[B]

I do.

[A]

I was like 50 something years old.

[B]

Honestly, I'll take old man.

[A]

Gold front.

[B]

Dang it. Gold fronts of what? In his teeth.

[A]

And he had braided blonde weave. Braided in his hair.

[B]

God, that's a lot. And he could have maybe got away with the gold.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

I've had some brothers. Come on in, sister. If you need prayer, here's my number. You could pray for me without the number.

[A]

I don't need your number.

[B]

Queen or your prayer.

[A]

I'll be like queen, queen, woman of God. I love that I've gotten to be. But they're. But anyway.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When the time comes, sometimes he'll send them. He'll send them, period. But I do feel like I have this security in my relationship with the Lord where I am very content. I'm content where I am.

[B]

Like intimacy from God this last year.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like a different kind. Not like a fatherly, but like an intimacy like exposing beauty to me in the world and comforting me. Like cuddling like that kind of pressure. Heated pressure on my body like things like that.

[A]

Yeah. And that's more. That's been more satisfying.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then a lion cheating.

[B]

Crazy man. Shoot. I don't want to go to dinner. I can cook.

[A]

You can cook?

[B]

I can.

[A]

You can and bake.

[B]

And I do be baking. I got this banana nut bread. It's fire, man.

[A]

Okay. So I made some. But I just put some biscoff in it.

[B]

I'm sorry. All right, fine.

[A]

Hello?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Little cinnamon crunch.

[B]

Okay. I bet it was good. I may try it next time.

[A]

Haven't made it in a while. Might make you.

[B]

I made some last night.

[A]

I might make you some.

[B]

I would bring you some. And mine's a gluten free, vegan free.

[A]

All right, girl, I ain't doing all that.

[B]

I'm trying to tell you mine is.

[A]

Full of gluten and full of.

[B]

You don't have to. I'm just saying it doesn't even count when you eat it.

[A]

I want mine.

[B]

There's no calories.

[A]

I want you to know it counts. I take a bite.

[B]

Essentially. That's what vegan like, I think. No calories.

[A]

I like.

[B]

You can eat as much as you want. I don't think it actually counts.

[A]

Nope, I want mine to count. Oh, I can taste it. I taste the difference.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I want it to count.

[B]

I have vegan free butter. I don't actually think it's vegan free.

[A]

Don't want it. I need to taste. It's fat.

[B]

It's dairy free.

[A]

Don't care.

[B]

Okay, dairy me, dairy me.

[A]

Dairy calorie carb me. Gluten me, gluten me, gluten me.

[B]

Let it stick to me. Daddy, God, Daddy, God.

[A]

Okay, before we wrap up this episode.

[B]

We wrapped up three times.

[A]

I know know I always do a journal prompt for everyone because I love journaling and I like processing. I think processes are important. We consume so much information on a daily basis. So many podcasts, so many clips, so many reels, so many things. But giving them a journal prompt is kind of provoking this way of thinking through what they just heard. So after this podcast, what's a good journal prompt for all of our listeners today?

[B]

I got it. This is one of my first journal prompts that I ever wrote when I was like, oh, I'm actually gonna, like, for real follow Jesus and not just be a fan.

[A]

Love it.

[B]

I said, God, what do you think of me? And it ripped me to shreds. Okay.

[A]

It's ripping me right now.

[B]

Ripped me to shreds. Because when I sat in the silence and asked the Lord to speak to me about it, it was all the stuff I would have never said to myself. And it was, like, weird. That's how I knew it was him. I was like, oh, this got to be him.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I would never say, I want.

[A]

To add to it.

[B]

Come on, let's do it.

[A]

I want to say, God, what do.

[B]

You think of me?

[A]

What do you think God thinks of you? And what does God actually think of You. Because I think we need to be honest.

[B]

We need to be honest.

[A]

We need to be honest because now.

[B]

Split the pages and like, have all of your thoughts about what you think God thinks about you on one side and then what he over time.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Sit in the spirit with this. With the Bible and let him lead you like, into like what he really thinks. Yeah, it was.

[A]

That's life changing.

[B]

It was.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I still. I'm embarrassed to say some of the things because it feels so, like, girly. And I just couldn't believe. I was like, what I even asked. I was like, if you can give me a vision. Because I really want. I'm like, I want all of it. Yeah, you can give me a vision of how you view me. And like, like, I drew it out. I have this little black journal I'll never for. I still have it. And it was like me in this field and my, like, arms were open and I was like spinning around in a dress. It was so. I was like, how beautiful is that?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The whole, like the God of the whole. The whole entire universe.

[A]

All of them.

[B]

All the universes I view as just like free.

[A]

Yeah, free. That's beautiful. I love that. It.

[B]

He's so kind.

[A]

Oh, Daddy God.

[B]

Now maybe I should get that tattooed on my neck. Daddy God.

[A]

I don't want you to do that. Oh, I don't want you to do that.

[B]

Really thought you were gonna go with me.

[A]

I'm not gonna want you to do that if it was like, somewhere else. Where not on your neck.

[B]

I really like the neck.

[A]

I would get a daddy God tattoo just because it's hilarious.

[B]

Like, maybe like right here. Like, like right here. I might for. I don't know what this is called, actually. The back of the tricep.

[A]

You. I was about to say you work out.

[B]

I should know. I'm a bodybuilder.

[A]

Okay. Anyway, we're so thankful. We are so thankful that you guys joined us. Tony, I love you and I hope you come back because I want to, I think, keep going. Yeah, I just want to keep going.

[B]

Single mom series next year.

[A]

Okay. We love you guys. See you later. Next time. Bye. Hey, you guys, before you go, I just wanted to say how grateful I am for your love and support. If you've enjoyed this episode, please take a moment and share it with a friend or a family member. If you could do me one huge favor, head over to Apple Podcast and leave a five star rating and a heartfelt review. It helps others just like you discover the podcast. You guys, let's continue to spread the inspiration. For more about me and the podcast, visit ww themaganashley.com until next time. Stay encouraged that you are so valued and so loved.