Podcast
Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour
Hosted by Kim Lee · EN
I am a Chid & Adolescent Psychotherapist. The podcast are educational and orientated towards parents. We cover a wide range of sometimes, tricky subjects, in the hope of reassuring parents that no matter how hard things may seem, there are things you can do.
Thank you.
Kim
11episodes
Episodes
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When Grownups Fight Kids Hurt
Yesterday00:03:53Tap to summarizeSend us Fan Mail
Transcribe →Mentalization Episode 10. How Parents Build A Child Who Can Reflect
4d ago00:15:34Tap to summarizeSend us Fan MailIf you have ever watched a child melt down and thought, “I don’t even know what’s happening right now,” this finale will give you a different lens. We talk about mentalization, the invisible skill that helps us look past behavior and ask what is going on in the mind underneath. For us, that shift changes everything: it turns power struggles into information, misunderstandings into repair, and confusion into curiosity.We reflect on why mentalization is not a parenting trick or a therapist-only concept. It develops through relationships where a child feels seen enough, and it keeps growing across the lifespan. Along the way, we connect the dots between mentalization and major foundations in child development and psychology: secure attachment, integration, brain plasticity, emotional regulation, and the biological need for safety and connection. If you want a clearer way to think about ADHD, autism, anxiety, trauma histories, and big emotions, this framework helps you stay grounded without minimizing the hard parts.Then we get practical. Boundaries and consequences matter, but they work best when they sit inside relationship rather than replacing it. We unpack why accountability without understanding so easily turns into shame, and why shame rarely teaches a child to reflect or regulate. The heart of the approach is simple and demanding: remain willing to wonder, especially when emotions run high, and come back with repair when you cannot.If this conversation helps you, subscribe, share it with a parent or partner, and leave a review so more people can find the series. What does “help me understand” bring up for you?
Transcribe →How Curiosity Shuts Down
5d ago00:08:52Tap to summarizeSend us Fan MailCuriosity is fragile, and families can lose it without meaning to. Kim Lee from the Children’s Consultancy unpacks the quiet patterns that shut down a child’s inner world: stress that makes everyone reactive, certainty that turns into labels, and shame that teaches kids they are “too much” or “not enough.” When curiosity disappears, mentalization fades too, and children stop asking “what am I feeling?” and start asking “what’s wrong with me?” We talk through real-life family dynamics that often look normal on the surface: emotions getting dismissed, criticism becoming the default language, and unpredictability that keeps kids walking on eggshells. Kim explains how homes shaped by conflict, emotional neglect, or substance misuse can push children into survival mode, where hypervigilance replaces trust. You’ll hear how children may become expert mood-readers while still struggling to understand feelings, and why some end up people pleasing, withdrawing, acting angry, or taking on the emotional caretaker role known as parentification. The heart of the episode is a hopeful reframe. Instead of hunting for someone to blame, we ask better questions: what happened to us, what hurts are we carrying, and what might we be missing? We end with the idea that mentalization is not perfection, it is relationship and relationship can offer a new beginning. If this resonates, subscribe, share with a parent or caregiver, and leave a review with the one question you think every family should ask more often.
Transcribe →Stop Calling It Attention Seeking And Start Listening
1w ago00:07:41Tap to summarizeSend us Fan MailIf you have ever caught yourself thinking “They’re doing this on purpose,” this conversation offers a different path: wonder what is happening inside the child, not just what the child is doing. We talk about mentalization, the practical skill of understanding our own mind and someone else’s mind, and why kids do not learn it from advice or books. They learn it from being held in mind by real people in real homes, through thousands of small interactions that slowly become their inner voice.We dig into what family environments help mentalization thrive: curiosity instead of certainty, questions instead of assumptions, and a steady message that feelings can be named without being shamed. We also get honest about conflict. Misunderstandings are inevitable, and even the most attuned parent will miss the mark. What changes everything is repair. Coming back with “I didn’t understand” or “I got angry, I’m sorry, help me understand” teaches that relationships survive mistakes, emotions can be talked about, and connection is not withdrawn when things get messy.We also challenge a label that can shut down empathy fast: “attention-seeking.” Through a mentalization lens, we ask whether it is really attention-needing, and what need the behavior might be communicating. The episode lands on a reassuring standard drawn from Donald Winnicott’s idea of the good enough parent: not perfect, but willing to reflect, stay interested, and keep finding the way back. If this resonates, subscribe, share with a parent or therapist friend, and leave a review with the most useful question you’re taking into your next hard moment.
Transcribe →Autism And Mentalization
2w ago00:12:49Tap to summarizeSend us Fan MailMost people think the big question about autism is whether autistic children “understand other people.” I’m not convinced that question gets us anywhere helpful. What actually changes relationships is noticing how mentalization works under real-world pressure and how often misunderstanding runs both ways, even when everyone involved has empathy and good intent.I walk through how autism has been viewed through theory of mind research, including the legacy of framing autism through a deficit lens, and why that framing is too narrow. Mentalization isn’t a single skill you either have or lack. It shifts with language, emotion, context, and the safety of the relationship you’re in. That’s where Damian Milton’s double empathy problem becomes so powerful: autistic and non-autistic people can misread each other because they communicate meaning differently, not because one side has no empathy.We also get practical about what derails connection fast: the hidden rules of social life, the exhaustion of constant translation, and the impact of sensory overload, uncertainty, masking, and sudden change on a child’s nervous system. When stress spikes, mentalization narrows for all of us, so a child may look rigid, withdrawn, demanding, or explosive while actually struggling to cope. I also unpack why eye contact and familiar emotional expression are unreliable “tests” of caring, and why curiosity is the most effective support tool we have.If you want a clearer, kinder way to think about autism, empathy, and social communication, listen now. Subscribe, share this with someone who works with kids, and leave a review so more parents and clinicians can find it.
Transcribe →Mentalization And ADHD: Why Perspective Disappears Under Stress
2w ago00:08:54Tap to summarizeSend us Fan MailA child with ADHD can look incredibly empathic and reasonable, and then suddenly say something harsh, slam a door, or melt down over what seems like a small trigger. That swing isn’t proof they don’t care, and it isn’t a simple motivation problem. We walk through how mentalization, our ability to understand ourselves and others through thoughts, feelings, wishes, and intentions, can go offline when emotional intensity outruns the brain’s capacity to pause and reflect.We connect the dots between ADHD, executive function, and self-regulation, leaning on the idea that ADHD is often less about “attention” and more about inhibition, working memory, and the ability to stop, think, and respond instead of react. When those systems are overwhelmed, emotions hit fast, behavior happens first, and then regret, shame, and confusion follow. We also dig into why rejection and criticism can feel unbearable for some kids and teens, including the pattern many families recognize as rejection sensitivity, where a tiny moment turns into “Nobody understands me.”Because mentalization lives in relationships, we focus on what helps in real time: slowing down instead of speeding up, curiosity instead of criticism, and co-regulation instead of confrontation. We also clarify a crucial point about empathy: many people with ADHD are deeply empathic, but their perspective can disappear under emotional load. If you want a clearer, kinder framework that still includes structure, consistency, and accountability, hit play, then subscribe, share with a parent or partner, and leave a review with your biggest takeaway.
Transcribe →The Social Media Ban Problem
2w ago00:15:38Tap to summarizeSend us Fan MailA social media ban for kids under 16 sounds like the kind of clean, decisive fix adults crave when they feel frightened and powerless. I get that fear. Parents are worried, schools are exhausted, and clinicians and safeguarding teams are seeing what algorithm-driven platforms expose children to: comparison, sexualization, cruelty, misinformation, addictive design, and relentless social evaluation. Still, I’m not convinced prohibition is the answer, especially when it’s presented as “settled science” without transparent evidence and detailed guidance.I take a child and adolescent psychotherapy lens to a simple question with huge policy implications: what are kids using social media for? For some, it’s compulsive. For others, it’s avoidance, belonging, identity formation, self-soothing, or a temporary escape from conflict they cannot regulate. Neurodivergent children may find online communication more manageable than in-person connection. When we treat social media use as a behavior to stop, we can miss the underlying distress and the unmet needs that keep pulling young people back.We also talk about unintended consequences that matter for digital safety and adolescent mental health: secrecy, VPNs, hidden accounts, more family conflict, migration to less regulated spaces, and a drop in disclosure. Safeguarding depends on trust, and trust collapses when kids expect punishment or panic. The alternative is layered policy that targets platform accountability and age-appropriate design: algorithm transparency, limits on addictive features, real enforcement, digital literacy, support for families, and mental health services people can actually access, backed by long-term research that measures wellbeing not just screen time. If this perspective helps, subscribe, share the episode with a parent or educator, and leave a review with your thoughts on what real protection should look like.
Transcribe →Ep 5. Why Trauma Shuts Down A Child’s Thinking Brain
2w ago00:14:15Tap to summarizeSend us Fan MailWe talk about what happens when a child’s ability to mentalize collapses under stress, and why anxiety and explosive anger can be signs of a nervous system stuck in survival mode. We connect trauma, emotional safety, and polyvagal states to practical ways we can help kids return to regulation so reflection becomes possible again. • how mentalization depends on felt safety • the brain’s survival priority overriding understanding under threat • why modern emotional dangers trigger fight, flight, or shutdown • polyvagal states and how they show up as anger, impulsivity, or numb withdrawal • trauma as chronic stress, emotional neglect, unpredictability, and repeated wounds • shifting our approach from control to co-regulation and curiosity • using timing, soothing, and repair to bring the thinking brain back online • why environment and caregiver predictability shape long-term regulation
Transcribe →Episode 4. How Parents Become A Child’s External Brain
2w ago00:07:40Tap to summarizeSend us Fan MailWe unpack why children cannot learn emotional regulation alone and how they build it by borrowing calm from a caregiver. We explain containment, co-regulation, and repair, and why these early patterns often show up again in adult relationships.• parents functioning as an external brain in early development• the myth that children should manage emotions on their own• co-regulation as the pathway to self-regulation through repetition• Wilfred Bion’s containment and what it looks like after a nightmare• how a caregiver’s nervous system shapes a child’s biology• why repair beats perfection and how apologies build mentalization• adult outcomes when validation and repair are missing• connection between mentalization and attachment patterns
Transcribe →Ep. 3-The Brain Behind Mentalization
2w ago00:17:17Tap to summarizeSend us Fan MailWe explore what happens in the brain when we mentalize, and why reflection can disappear the moment emotions surge. We connect child development, neuroscience, and real-life conflict so you can understand reactivity with more clarity and less shame. • brain development as an evolving process including neural pruning and new pathways • mentalization as integration of feeling and thinking across childhood and early adulthood • the prefrontal cortex as the “pause button” for impulse control and perspective taking • the amygdala as threat detection and how emotional arousal collapses reflection • why dysregulation is neuroscience rather than moral failure • relationships as the building blocks for emotional regulation and resilience • the rope metaphor for strengthening mentalizing through repeated interactions • how “I think” and “I feel” can distort meaning when someone is primed for criticism • revisiting conflict later to clarify intent and repair understanding
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