When confidence is built on external approval, performance, and outcomes, it's fragile. It's also a fragile support for motivation that depends on getting the win, which then boosts your confidence and motivation temporarily, priming you to start the search for your next win to fuel your sense of confidence and refill your motivation tank. The problem comes when the wins sit far apart and your , confidence and motivation start to run on fumes. Or, if you try and fail, then your confidence and motivation can collapse. This episode offers a more durable foundation for your confidence and motivation to be built on: your values.

When you ground your confidence in your values rather than your performance, the question shifts from "Did I nail it?" to "Did I show up in alignment with what matters to me?" We'll dig into some practical values-clarification exercises to help you identify your values and follow-up next episode with how to take action.

Here's the list of values from Dr. Brene Brown that we referenced: https://brenebrown.com/resources/dare-to-lead-list-of-values/

Note: This episode includes a brief reference to gun violence at 3:30. You can skip to 4:50 or 6:00 to avoid that section.

About: The Joy Lab Podcast is an Ambie-nominated podcast that blends science and soul to help you cope better with stress, anxiety, and depression. It's hosted by integrative psychiatrist Dr. Henry Emmons and holistic mental health researcher Dr. Aimee Prasek. The podcast is best paired with the Joy Lab Program (get your 7-day free trial!). Bonus: spread some joy and keep this podcast ad-free by donating (Joy Lab is powered by the nonprofit Pathways North and your donations are tax-deductible).

Common Questions & Mental Health Tips from this Episode:

Q: What do my values have to do with building confidence?

A: When confidence is anchored in values rather than performance and external approval, it becomes something you practice daily rather than something you achieve once and lose the next time you fail; this episode explains the shift and offers a twist on Viktor Frankl's three-category framework for identifying your own values.

Q: How do I figure out what my values actually are and not what I think they should be?

A: This episode offers a practical exercise using a twist on Viktor Frankl's categories (what you love to give, what you love to receive, what you stand up for). Henry also gives specific guidance on noticing when you're answering authentically vs. answering how you think you should.

Key moments:

[00:00] Content note: brief reference to gun violence at 3:30 — skip to 4:50 or 6:00 to avoid

[00:30] Welcome back to the Element of Confidence — introducing values clarification as the next step

[01:00] How confidence gets built on external factors: performance, "shoulds," what others think of us. This creates fragile confidence that's dependent on outcomes, approval, hitting specific standards

[02:00] The shift: grounding confidence in values rather than performance

[03:00] Values are not something you achieve — they're something you live from, an ongoing practice

[03:30] Henry's story: asked to speak to a community deeply shaken by a school shooting [note: gun violence reference here — skip to 4:50 to avoid]

[04:50] Henry's internal shift: moving from "do I have the expertise?" to "how can I show up with compassion?"

[05:30] The result: compassion-based confidence doesn't require perfection, it requires alignment

[06:00] When you're grounded in values, the question isn't "did I nail it?" — it's "did I show up with care?"

[07:00] Defining values: the compass, not the destination — many of Joy Lab's Elements of Joy are values

[07:30] Aimee shares the ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) definition of values from Wilson and DuFrene — and why it's worth unpacking

[08:00] Values are freely chosen — not what we've been told should matter, but what actually does

[08:30] Values are verbally constructed and flexible — not rigid, not locked to immediate consequences

[09:00] Values make effort more meaningful — the effort itself matters, not just the outcome

[09:30] Intrinsic engagement: when we act in alignment with values, that alignment itself is reinforcing

[10:30] Values-based motivation is more sustainable — you don't have to feel confident to act, or achieve a goal to know you're doing something that matters

[11:30] Values-based motivation is more durable: outcomes are unpredictable; your values aren't

[12:30] Values are not meant to become another "should" — they're for direction, not perfection

[13:00] Henry coins it accidentally: "Values are for direction, not perfection" — Aimee immediately wants it on a T-shirt

[14:00] The exercise: Viktor Frankl's three categories of values with a Joy Lab twist

[14:30] Creative values: what do you love to give? Ways you contribute your talents to the world

[15:00] Experiential values: what do you love to receive? What you love to witness or be part of

[15:30] Attitudinal values: what do you stand up for? What you hold onto when things are hard

[16:30] How to do it: three lists, pen and paper, free write — then look for themes that point to values

[17:30] Some things that give you knots in your stomach may not align with your values at all — useful information

[18:00] Things that do align with your values: worth pushing through the discomfort for

[18:30] Henry: your values are yours — not your parents', your culture's, or what you think you should have

[19:00] Notice if you're answering authentically or answering how you think you should — pause and ask "what do I actually care about?"

[19:30] Values are not static — how Henry values compassion at 60 is different from how he valued it at 30

[20:00] Don't let values become another source of self-judgment — they're a direction, not a performance standard

[21:30] This is what confidence grounded in values actually looks like: commitment to the direction, self-compassion when you fall short

[22:30] Preview of next episode: taking action — bring your values lists, we'll put them to work

[23:30] Closing wisdom from Dr. Howard Thurman: "Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

Full transcript, sources and links mentioned: https://www.joylab.coach/podcasts/joy-lab-podcast/episodes/2149229954

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