In this episode of Joy Lab, we'll explore the Sixth Gate of Grief: the grief we carry for harm done to ourselves and others. We'll draw on the expanded framework of Francis Weller's gates of grief to unpack why this gate is one of the most challenging and most liberating to work with. It's important to note that this isn't about guilt-tripping or self-flagellation. It's about honest reckoning, releasing unconscious burdens, and reclaiming inner freedom. Because grief (not shame) is what actually moves us toward healing, repair, and becoming people who cause less harm.

This episode is part of a 10-part series on grief. You can jump in here and circle back to Episode 248 when you're ready.

p.s. Find a Simple Joy practice for this episode right here at our blog.

About: The Joy Lab Podcast is an Ambie-nominated podcast that blends science and soul to help you cope better with stress, ease anxiety, and uplift mood. Join Dr. Henry Emmons and Dr. Aimee Prasek for practical, mindfulness-based tools and positive psychology strategies to build resilience and create lasting joy.

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Full transcript available here

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Key moments:

[00:00:00] — Sixth Gate: Grief for Harm Done, popularized by Sophy Banks and Azul Thomé alongside Weller's original framework.

[00:01:00] — What this gate includes: harmful thought patterns like corrosive self-talk, choices that felt necessary but caused harm, inaction when we could have intervened, and participation in collective harms like racism, classism, ableism, and environmental destruction.

[00:02:00] — A critical disclaimer: this gate asks us to see these harms — not soak in them. Grief is meant to flow through us, not become a stagnant pool. Henry emphasizes the difference between grieving well and getting stuck.

[00:03:30] — Three reasons this gate is especially challenging: (1) the scope of harm we participate in is nearly infinite; (2) the thin line between acknowledging harm and collapsing into shame and guilt; (3) the defensiveness this topic can trigger — and how to touch that lightly and let it go.

[00:05:00] — This is about inner freedom, not atonement. Genuine inner freedom requires an honest look at how we affect those around us.

[00:05:30] — Aimee and Henry on the word releasing vs. "getting over it." You can leap over a thing and still be carrying it. Releasing requires first being able to see what's there.

[00:06:00] — Quote from Sabaa Tahir: two kinds of guilt — the kind that drowns you until you're useless, and the kind that fires your soul to purpose. Working with grief can move us from one to the other.

[00:06:30] — Introduction of moral injury: the psychological wound that comes from betraying our own values, or witnessing others do it. Research shows moral injury is more strongly associated with PTSD symptoms than direct exposure to danger.

[00:07:30] — Moral injury shows up everywhere — not just in war. Healthcare rationing, kids being detained, someone cutting you off in traffic. Untended grief in this gate can mean we snap at small things because they echo larger unprocessed wounds.

[00:09:00] — Henry: grief helps us heal these deep, often invisible wounds.

[00:10:00] — How harm to others haunts us for years, even decades. As social creatures, we're wired to repair harm and strengthen bonds. When we don't act, buried harm turns into guilt and shame — and shame isolates. Grief, by contrast, calls us into community and toward repair.

[00:11:00] — Autoimmune disease analogy: shame is the emotional equivalent of an immune system attacking itself. A healthy response addresses the problem; an overreaction causes more damage than the original harm.

[00:13:00] — Turning to harms we cause ourselves: negative self-talk, lifestyle choices, addictions. No matter the cause, we deserve healing from it. The challenge: in this case, we are both perpetrator and victim.

[00:14:00] — Grief opens us up rather than closing us down. It can hold both the hurt experienced and the compassion for causing that pain.

[00:14:30] — Connection to post-traumatic growth: not about psychological comfort, but awakening. Grief is the ride between pain and gain — and there's no bypassing it.

[00:15:00] — Henry on the role of equanimity (this month's Element of Joy): balance is what allows us to hold two seemingly opposing truths at once. You fully acknowledge the harm and hold yourself with compassion. Neither minimizing nor drowning.

[00:16:30] — Quote from Sister Helen Prejean (Dead Man Walking): "People are more than the worst thing they've done." The goal isn't no harm — it's less harm. And believing that you are more than your worst moment fosters humility, compassion, and healing that ripples outward to others.

[00:17:30] — Preview of the next episode: the Seventh Gate — Trauma, and how grief and trauma intersect in the work of healing.

[00:17:45] — Closing wisdom from Maya Angelou: "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."

Sources and Notes for this full grief series:

Joy Lab Program: Take the next leap in your wellbeing journey with step-by-step practices to help you build and maintain the elements of joy in your life.
Grief Series:
- The Grief Series: The Wholeness of Being Human [part 1, ep 248]
- Everything We Love, We Will Lose: Navigating the First Gate of Grief[part 2, ep 249]
- Welcoming Back the Parts of You That Have Not Known Love [part 3, ep 250]
- Why You Can't Escape the Sorrows of the World (and why that's a good thing) [part 4, ep 251]
- Born to Belong: Grieving What Should Have Been There From the Start [part 5, ep 252]
- Breaking the Cycle: Ancestral Grief, Epigenetics, and the Power to Change Your Legacy [part 6, ep 253]
Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller
Sabaa Tahir's website
Beckes & Sbarra, Social baseline theory: State of the science and new directions. Access here
Beckes, et al. (2011). Social Baseline Theory: The Role of Social Proximity in Emotion and Economy of Action.

How Facing the Harm You've Done Can Set You Free [254]