Grief doesn't only come from what happens to us directly. In this episode of our Grief Series, we'll look through the Seventh Gate: Trauma — specifically collective trauma and secondary (vicarious) trauma. We'll break down what these are, how they physically land in your body, what the Window of Tolerance really means for your day-to-day life, and what to do when you find yourself overwhelmed by stress. We'll explore super helpful theories like the tend-and-befriend stress response, the power of your hope circuit, the eternal wisdom of finding the Middle Way, and practical guidance for navigating a world that can feel relentlessly heavy.

This episode is part of a 10-part series on grief. You can jump in here and circle back to Episode 248 when you're ready.

p.s. Find a Simple Joy practice for this episode right here at our blog.

About: The Joy Lab Podcast is an Ambie-nominated podcast that blends science and soul to help you cope better with stress, ease anxiety, and uplift mood. Join Dr. Henry Emmons and Dr. Aimee Prasek for practical, mindfulness-based tools and positive psychology strategies to build resilience and create lasting joy. Take the next leap in your wellbeing journey with the Joy Lab Program.

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Key moments:

[00:00] — Introduce the Seventh Gate: Trauma

[00:48] — A gentle reminder to listen with care

[01:30] — Defining collective trauma: shared psychological impact affecting communities, societies, and the globe; examples include COVID, 9/11, mass shootings, natural disasters, and chronic collective traumas like racism and classism

[02:00] — Defining secondary trauma / vicarious trauma: how negative effects occur through hearing accounts, watching videos, 24/7 news exposure; not uncommon in caregivers, healthcare workers, therapists, and first responders

[03:30] — Why the brain doesn't always distinguish direct from indirect trauma; secondary trauma can produce symptoms identical to direct trauma; we are wired to survive in communities

[04:00] — The losses this gate surfaces: safety, trust in institutions, community connection, shared understanding, and moral injuries

[05:00] — Linda Thai's definition of trauma: "what happened that shouldn't have, and what should have happened that didn't" — and why the second half matters just as much

[06:30] — Minnesota ICE surge reflection; what was missing that could have softened the trauma; community connection as a powerfully protective presence

[07:45] — The tend-and-befriend stress response and why it's especially suited to collective grief

[08:40] — Physical symptoms of collective trauma: brain fog, sleep problems, appetite changes, jumpiness, physical tension, digestive issues

[09:20] — How collective stress lowers individual stress tolerance; why the tend-and-befriend response is so adaptive here

[09:50] — Dan Siegel's Window of Tolerance introduced: the zone for healthy stress response; why collective trauma shrinks the window

[10:20] — What happens outside the window: hyperarousal and hypoarousal introduced

[11:00] — Deep dive on hyperarousal: panic, racing thoughts, anger, hypervigilance; why narrow focus is counterproductive; how sustained overactivation overwhelms the nervous system

[13:00] — Hypoarousal: numbness, flatness, disconnection, apathy, brain fog; the freeze/"bite" stress response as protective feature, not personal failure; the COVID grocery bag arc

[14:30] — Gentle activation strategies for moving out of hypoarousal: small movements, mindful breathing, connecting with safe people, small accomplishments

[15:30] — Learned helplessness reexamined: the original researchers got it backward — helplessness is the brain's default, not something learned

[16:00] — The Hope Circuit: prefrontal cortex overrides the helplessness default when actions are seen to matter; cross-stressor effect of agency

[16:40] — What agency looks like in practice: self-talk, social connections, information choices, body care, small service acts, values

[17:30] — Henry's activating-to-calming spectrum; using the Middle Way framework to self-regulate within the Window of Tolerance

[18:30] — What to do when you've gone outside the window: micro-changes, one small choice at a time; deep rest when needed

[20:10] — Balance is not a destination; the goal is not to eliminate stress responses but to navigate them more skillfully

[21:15] — Self-care during collective trauma enables wise collective action

[21:45] — Closing wisdom from Clarissa Pinkola Estés on standing up and showing your soul

Sources and Notes for this full grief series:

Joy Lab Program: Take the next leap in your wellbeing journey with step-by-step practices to help you build and maintain the elements of joy in your life.
Grief Series:

The Grief Series: The Wholeness of Being Human [part 1, ep 248]
Everything We Love, We Will Lose: Navigating the First Gate of Grief[part 2, ep 249]
Welcoming Back the Parts of You That Have Not Known Love [part 3, ep 250]
Why You Can't Escape the Sorrows of the World (and why that's a good thing) [part 4, ep 251]
Born to Belong: Grieving What Should Have Been There From the Start [part 5, ep 252]
Breaking the Cycle: Ancestral Grief, Epigenetics, and the Power to Change Your Legacy [part 6, ep 253]
How Facing the Harm You've Done Can Set You Free [part 7, ep 254]

Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller
Linda Thai's website
Dan Siegel's website
Clarissa Pinkola Estés' website
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Beckes, et al. (2011). Social Baseline Theory: The Role of Social Proximity in Emotion and Economy of Action. Access here
Bunea et al. (2017). Early-life adversity and cortisol response to social stress: a meta-analysis. Access here.
Eisma, et al. (2019). No pain, no gain: cross-lagged analyses of posttraumatic growth and anxiety, depression, posttraumatic stress and prolonged grief symptoms after loss. Access here
Hirschberger G. (2018). Collective Trauma an d the Social Construction of Meaning. Frontiers in psychology, 9, 1441. Access here
Kamis, et al. (2024). Childhood maltreatment associated with adolescent peer networks: Withdrawal, avoidance, and fragmentation. Access here
Lehrner, et al. (2014). Maternal PTSD associates with greater glucocorticoid sensitivity in offspring of Holocaust survivors. Access here
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Yehuda et al. (1998). Vulnerability to posttraumatic stress disorder in adult offspring of Holocaust survivors. Access here.
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