You've likely had a situation where you wish you had confidence, but instead felt full of self-criticism, self-judgement, imposter feelings, and anxiety. The good news is that skills like cognitive defusion (the practice of loosening the grip that self-critical thoughts have on you) can help tremendously to help you get some space from those overwhelming thoughts. We'll dig into these thoughts in this episode, explore why they rise up, and introduce some practical tips and strategies to help you work with them. These powerful mental health tips will help create some space between you and your thoughts, helping you to take actions that build your confidence.

About: The Joy Lab Podcast is an Ambie-nominated podcast that blends science and soul to help you cope better with stress, anxiety, and depression. It's hosted by integrative psychiatrist Dr. Henry Emmons and holistic mental health researcher Dr. Aimee Prasek. The podcast is best paired with the Joy Lab Program (get your 7-day free trial!). Bonus: spread some joy and keep this podcast ad-free by donating (Joy Lab is powered by the nonprofit Pathways North and your donations are tax-deductible).

Sources and Notes for our Element of Confidence:

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Episodes in this series:
Related episodes:

Book: The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris, PhD
Book: Confidence Culture by Shani Orgad, PhD & Rosalind Gill, PhD
Bandura. Self-efficacy: Toward a Unifying Theory of Behavioral Change. Access here .
Baumeister et al. Does High Self-Esteem Cause Better Performance, Interpersonal Success, Happiness, or Healthier Lifestyles? Access here .
Donnelly et al. Do people know how others view them? Two approaches for identifying the accuracy of metaperceptions. Access here .
Hayes et al. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy as a Unified Model of Behavior Change. Access here.
More about Victor Frankl's work from VFIA.

Full transcript here

Common Questions & Mental Health Tips from this Episode:

Q: How do I stop self-critical thoughts from taking over right before something important?

A: This episode teaches cognitive defusion, a practice from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) that loosens the grip self-critical thoughts have on you without fighting or suppressing them; two specific techniques that we added in this episode (the "thank you, brain" method and psychological distancing) give you practical tools to use in the moment.

Q: What's the difference between managing stress and actually changing my relationship with difficult thoughts?

A: Stress management techniques are like inner tubes that are genuinely helpful for keeping your head above water. Cognitive defusion goes deeper, shifting you from reactive management to a more fundamental change in your relationship with the thought; this episode explains the distinction and why both have a place.

Key moments:

[00:00] Welcome back to the Element of Confidence — introducing cognitive defusion as this episode's core skill

[01:00] Sometimes thoughts aren't peaceful branches on a stream — they're the Bunker Hills Wave Pool, circa late '80s

[02:30] The lifeguard metaphor as an upgrade to the peaceful river observer — seasoned, present, with a broader view

[03:00] The kinds of thoughts that come in like waves: "I'm never gonna get this. I'll embarrass myself. I always screw up. Everyone will think I'm an imposter."

[03:30] When thoughts overwhelm: stress response surges, the only thought becomes "how do I get out of this?"

[03:45] Reminder: if thoughts are feeling truly overwhelming, reaching out for extra support — therapist, NAMI helpline, 988 — is always an option

[04:30] When we stop fusing with or fighting thoughts, they start to get smaller over time

[05:30] How fusion works physically: heart rate rises, palms sweat, decisions made from the fused belief

[06:00] The thought is not reality — it's neural activity generated by past experience, fear, or ingrained patterns

[06:30] Cognitive defusion: loosening the grip, creating space between you and the thought

[07:30] Defusion vs. positive thinking or cognitive restructuring: this doesn't fight the thought, it changes the relationship with it

[08:30] Aimee introduces self-as-content vs. self-as-context from ACT

[09:30] Stress management as inner tubes: helpful for riding waves, but you're still in the pool managing the waves

[10:00] Self-as-context: the lifeguard — noticing "I've seen that wave before," seeing the bigger picture, able to take wiser action

[10:30] From the lifeguard perspective: "The waves are uncomfortable, but they'll die down" — and you can give yourself true support

[11:30] Henry: stress management is great and important — AND it keeps us in reactive mode; defusion is a different level

[13:30] Henry on perfectionism and defusion: if you believe you need to be perfect to be confident, you'll become hypervigilant about thoughts

[14:30] The truth: you don't have to be perfect; when you accept doubt and mistakes as normal, imperfect thoughts become no big deal

[15:00] Aimee: strategies for defusion — not to dispute the thought, but to notice it and loosen its grip

[17:00] Strategy 1 — Psychological distancing: "I'm noticing that I'm having the thought that..." instead of just "I'm going to blow it"

[19:00] Adding levity: say the phrase in the silliest voice you can — trailer narrator, romance novel narrator, sports commentator

[20:00] Henry introduces Strategy 2 — "Thank you, brain"

[20:30] How it works: immediately positions you as observer; paradoxically accepts rather than fights; carries humor that defuses in the moment

[22:30] Aimee: this is not about forcing a feeling or suppressing thoughts — it's about letting them matter less

[23:00] Connection to last Element (Humility) and right-sizing: letting thoughts take up the space they need, no more, no less

[23:30] Preview of next episode: values — what we care about, so we can choose where to put our energy and take action toward confidence

[23:45] Closing wisdom from Eckhart Tolle: "The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive... It is not so much that you use your mind wrongly — you usually don't use it at all. It uses you."

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