This week, Kristin and I answer listener comments about colonoscopy prep, including a truly cursed diet of mashed white vegetables and learn about Cologuard, the screening test where you… mail your poop. Through the actual mail. To a stranger.

We also dive into the ongoing household war known as “Kristin Won’t Stop Sleeping in Her Contacts,” which leads to a horrifying discussion about wrinkly eyeballs, saggy conjunctiva, and what happens when an eyelash embeds itself in your eyelid gland and starts scraping your cornea. Delightful.

Then we get to my new favorite segment: diagnosing cartoon characters. This week we tackle Goofy, who very clearly has a mild form of cyclopia, and debate whether his son Max avoided the gene… or if Goofy needs to have some questions answered at home. We even break down why large eyeballs mean myopia, why Edna Mode is basically a hyperopic queen, and the extremely nerdy world of axial length.

Finally, we open the First Aid book and Kristen learns what an Apgar score actually measures and no, it’s not “how cute the baby is,” and no, the Babinski is not part of it either.

It’s New Year’s nostalgia, poop-mailing, cartoon diseases, eye crimes, and newborn scoring systems, basically, a classic Knock Knock Hi episode.

Takeaways:

The Great New Year’s Trick: How to convince your small children midnight arrives at 9 PM.
Colonoscopy Diet Horror: Boiled pale root vegetables, no grains, no legumes, no joy.
Eye Crimes: Saggy conjunctiva, wrinkly eyeballs, embedded eyelashes, and the marital tension of sleeping in contacts.
Goofy Has Cyclopia: A shockingly thorough medical analysis of cartoon genetics (plus: what’s up with Max?).
Apgar Breakdown: The real meaning of appearance, pulse, grimace, activity, and respiration and why Kristen’s “toe swipe” theory was… not Apgar.

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