DLK: In our relationship, her dog comes first. Now I'm having doubts about us

Summary

Life Kit Podcast Episode Summary Title: DLK: In our relationship, her dog comes first. Now I'm having doubts about us
Host: Marielle Segarra
Release Date: April 10, 2025

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Introduction: Navigating Doubts in Romantic Relationships

In this compelling episode of Life Kit, NPR host Marielle Segarra delves into the often-taboo subject of doubt within romantic relationships. Challenging the conventional notion that true love is unequivocal and clear-cut, Marielle brings on experts Hayley Naaman and Dani Nelson to explore the complexities of romantic uncertainty.

Marielle Segarra opens the discussion by addressing the romanticized idea that love is instantly recognizable and unshakeable:

"In romantic relationships, doubt can feel like a dirty word. If it's love, true love, then you'll just know it for certain." [01:17]

Understanding Romantic Doubt

Hayley Naaman, a culture writer and author, counters the myth of the "surefire" true love moment:

"There’s no secret, secret answer." [01:41]

She emphasizes that love is not a mystical certainty but a series of circumstances with inherent upsides and downsides:

"If you happen to be in a relationship that has maybe a few more downsides than another hypothetical relationship you could be in, you could still choose it because it's really meaningful to you." [01:58]

Dani Nelson, co-host of the "Dear Dani" advice column, likens doubt to a constant inner dialogue:

"Doubt in a relationship is like kind of the endless circle game of like attempting to figure out if what you're doing is following your heart or just reacting to your own paranoia." [02:17]

Together, Hayley and Dani discuss how doubt is a natural part of maintaining a healthy relationship, serving as a prompt for reflection rather than a definitive sign of impending breakup.

Listener Questions and Expert Advice

The core of the episode features Dear Life Kit, an advice series where Hayley and Dani respond to listener dilemmas about romantic doubts. Each question is thoughtfully addressed, offering insights and actionable advice.

1. Jealousy Over a Partner's Dog

Listener's Concern:

"In our relationship, her dog comes first. Now I'm having doubts about us."
Signed: Puppy Love [07:00]

Key Points & Advice:

• Dani Nelson explains that feeling overlooked due to a pet's demands is common and suggests seeking mutual engagement:

  "It's not like you're jealous of a pet. It's just very difficult to share space and time with an animal that needs constant attending to." [07:35]

• Hayley Naaman encourages evaluating personal compatibility with a pet-centric lifestyle and finding joy in shared activities with the dog:

  "Do you mind? Does that suit you?... find ways of engaging, including the dog, that you think are really fun." [08:12]

• They share anecdotes illustrating different outcomes when integrating pets into relationships, highlighting the importance of alignment and shared responsibilities.

2. Transitioning from Friendship to Romance in Later Life

Listener's Concern:

"I'm a 60-year-old widower interested in a 52-year-old widow, both having lost wives to women. I'm hesitant to make a move."
Signed: More Than Friends [11:03]

Key Points & Advice:

• Hayley Naaman suggests initiating a direct conversation about dating to clarify intentions and feelings:

  "I think he could say, I really enjoy being friends with you, but would you ever be down to go on a date with me or is that not your thing?" [12:17]

• Dani Nelson emphasizes the importance of accepting potential outcomes to preserve the existing friendship:

  "He has to let go honestly of what the outcome will be if he wants to remain friends with this person." [12:34]

• They discuss the balance between risking the friendship and pursuing romantic possibilities, encouraging open and honest communication.

3. Cultural Differences and In-Law Relationships Impacting Marriage Plans

Listener's Concern:

"Considering marriage and children, but upset with my partner's rude family towards me. Struggling with cultural differences and lack of support."
Signed: No Thanks, Fam [14:59]

Key Points & Advice:

• Dani Nelson urges reflection on whether the underlying relationship is strong enough to withstand external family pressures:

  "It feels like a really extreme response for such a long relationship and one that, like, you're directly communicating about increasing the stakes in." [14:59]

• Hayley Naaman advises setting clear boundaries and seeking solidarity from the partner to address familial conflicts:

  "I think he needs to stand up for her... to make sure she feels safe and respected." [16:02]

• The experts highlight the necessity for mutual support and teamwork in navigating in-law relationships, emphasizing that the couple's unity should take precedence.

4. Unreciprocated Romantic Interest and Fear of Rejection

Listener's Concern:

"I've been talking to a girl for a month who shows inconsistent interest. Worried about her reciprocation and uncertain about the relationship's future."
Signed: Head Over Heels [18:00]

Key Points & Advice:

• Dani Nelson labels the situation as "self-delusion" and highlights the importance of recognizing imbalance in effort:

  "This person is not giving almost any of their energy to you and they are only initiating like texting when they feel the need for some kind of vague affirmation." [19:58]

• Hayley Naaman stresses self-respect and the necessity of seeking reciprocal relationships:

  "You deserve reciprocation." [20:24]

• They recommend moving on by investing in self-confidence and engaging with those who provide mutual energy and support.

Final Advice and Takeaways

As the episode concludes, Hayley and Dani offer their best pieces of advice for managing romantic doubts and relationship challenges.

Hayley Naaman emphasizes emotional acceptance:

"Feelings are weather, and they're meant to be experienced and moved through. You don't always need to apply intellectual rigor to understand them or to process them." [22:36]

Dani Nelson encourages personal growth and self-care:

"Drive across the country. Leave your phone at home. Spend time by yourself." [23:06]

Hayley adds, highlighting the importance of external engagement:

"Getting outside is huge." [23:16]

Conclusion: Embracing the Complexity of Love

Marielle Segarra wraps up the episode by acknowledging the nuanced nature of romantic relationships and the inevitability of doubts. Listeners are encouraged to explore their feelings, communicate openly with their partners, and prioritize mutual respect and understanding.

Marielle Segarra concludes:

"Thanks for listening." [24:23]

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Key Takeaways:

• Doubt is Natural: Uncertainty in relationships is common and can serve as a catalyst for growth and reflection.
• Communication is Crucial: Open and honest dialogue with partners about feelings and concerns is essential for resolving doubts.
• Self-Respect and Reciprocity: Maintaining self-respect and seeking reciprocal effort in relationships are fundamental for long-term success.
• Navigating External Pressures: Handling family dynamics requires teamwork and clear boundaries to protect the integrity of the relationship.
• Personal Growth: Investing in self-care and personal interests can help individuals maintain emotional well-being amidst relationship challenges.

This episode of Life Kit offers valuable insights for anyone grappling with doubts in their romantic life, providing actionable advice and encouraging a thoughtful approach to love and partnership.

Transcript

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[Marielle Segarra]

You're listening to Life Kit from NPR. Hey everybody, it's Marielle. In romantic relationships, doubt can feel like a dirty word. If it's love, true love, then you'll just know it for certain. You'll lock eyes, preferably across a crowded room, maybe on New Year's Eve, and know that this person is the one for you.

[Hayley Naaman]

As if there's some like, mystical like judge who has a secret answer. There's no secret, secret answer.

[Marielle Segarra]

Hayley Naaman is a culture writer and editor and author of maybe Baby, a newsletter and weekly podcast about the mysteries of modern life.

[Hayley Naaman]

There is just a set of circumstances that have upsides and downsides. And like if you happen to be in a relationship that has maybe a few more downsides than another hypothetical relationship you could be in, that doesn't mean you it's wrong. Like, you could still choose it because it's really meaningful to you, right?

[Dani Nelson]

Doubt in a relationship is like kind of the endless circle game of like attempting to figure out if what you're doing is following your heart or just like reacting to your own paranoia.

[Marielle Segarra]

And this is Dani Nelson, Hailey's friend and co host of Dear Dani, the maybe Baby advice column where similar to our show, they help readers and listeners with their thorniest love questions. Now, sometimes Hayley and Danny say you're in a romantic relationship and your doubts get louder and louder to the point where you cannot ignore them.

[Hayley Naaman]

Yeah. And if you want to keep avoiding it, you're gonna have to like build more and more and more like protection against it and you're gonna start to feel so false.

[Dani Nelson]

Right. Or work harder and harder like you're swimming against the current.

[Marielle Segarra]

On this edition of Dear Life Kit, the advice series brought to you by reporter Andy Tagle, where talking about romantic doubt with Danny and Hayley, they'll answer listener questions about priorities and new relationships, about dealing with parents and old ones, about making a move on a friend and more.

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[Andy Tagle]

[e-mail] so love and Doubt I wonder, just to get us warmed up, is that ever a good pairing? Doubt in love Is there room for doubt in our romantic relationships?

[Dani Nelson]

Definitely. I'm trying to think if there was ever a time that I've been in love without experiencing doubt. What's interesting about being in love is that it's kind of like a faith based endeavor. So you experience doubt kind of constantly in your life about everything, including your partner. And then like, love is kind of like the reminder of something untouchable or ephemeral that you have to accept that it exists without proof.

[Hayley Naaman]

Mm. The more interesting question for me is always like, what's the source? The source of your doubt could be that you're afraid of commitment. Or, you know, you could have fleeting moments of doubt when like a certain part of your personality feels like it's not being nourished in your relationship. So you sort of make that feeling really big and it makes you doubt the whole relationship when really the response is like, well, how can I nurture this outside the relationship or within it? I don't think you have to accept feelings of doubt all the time. I think they're kind of like an invitation, I think, to like, reflect.

[Dani Nelson]

Very true.

[Andy Tagle]

Dani Hailey. I have no doubt this is going to be a fun one. I feel strongly about that. Thank you so much for being with us. Let's get into these questions, shall we?

[Hayley Naaman]

Yes.

[Dani Nelson]

Yeah.

[Andy Tagle]

Question number one. Here we go. Dear Life Kit, I recently started talking with someone who I really like and we're talking about taking it slow. However, despite her busy lifestyle, she just got a big dog that has attachment issues and spends all her time and money on him. Now, I didn't think I'd end up being jealous of a dog, but I find myself wishing she didn't have him and we could focus on each other. It's making me doubt whether she's still available and open to a relationship. How do I stop being jealous of a pet? Should I just consider it a loss? Cut ties and move on? Signed puppy Love.

[Dani Nelson]

It's not like you're jealous of a pet. It's just very difficult to share space and time with an animal that needs constant attending to. It's not like she's there being like, oh, I wish I was the dog. I wish I had what the dog has. I mean, maybe, I don't know, a little. Sometimes it's nice to get pet, but like, I think that, like, she's there basically just being like, this is actually like a tenuous moment when, like, reciprocation and reinforcement are really key in order to actually, like, get off the ground with somebody.

[Hayley Naaman]

My take is, does a dog suit your lifestyle? Are you attracted to this quality in this person that makes her really excited about tending to her dog and maybe giving up certain aspects of freedom? Last minute travel, going out super late and not having to go home. Like, do you mind? Does that suit you? In which case, I'd say you can get through this early period as long as you make sure to find time for each other and explain that you want to have that outside of the dog and work with it. But if it doesn't really suit you and you really don't have that much of an attachment to this person, I think you can just sort of call it. Right, Dani? Well, I can think of two close people in our lives who. A dog has had an impact on their relationship in different ways.

[Dani Nelson]

Oh, yeah, Me too.

[Hayley Naaman]

So one got a really high needs dog, and it just added a lot of stress to their relationship, and they ended up breaking up.

[Dani Nelson]

Mm.

[Hayley Naaman]

And I have one who. He never wanted to get a dog because he wanted to be free and travel and stay out late. All the things I said. But I knew he loved dogs, and I felt like actually if you just sort of committed and, like, were willing to, like, be tied down a little bit, you might find a lot of depth and meaning in a relationship with an animal, since I know how much you love animals. He finally meets somebody. She has a dog, and he's obsessed, and it's a really, really cute part of their relationship. They're both obsessed with the dog. They get, like, little plates made that look like the dog. And he actually has found a lot of meaning in coming into a dog, even though he was sort of commitment phobic about it before.

[Andy Tagle]

So what I'm hearing, like, it plays a significant role in a romantic relationship, and so you need to plan for that. And if puppy love wants to do this, should she just work on being less jealous of this pet? You know, like, what does that look like?

[Dani Nelson]

I mean, if it were me, I'd just be like, I want a pat on the head too. I want treats, too. You know, you're always giving treats to the dog. What about yours truly?

[Hayley Naaman]

I guess my advice would be, you know, puppy love says, I find myself wishing she didn't have him. I think that's a place to start, is just sort of accepting that this is part of the package, finding the joy in it, giving it a shot without so much resistance and wishful thinking that's not gonna come true. And finding ways of engaging, including the dog, that you think are really fun.

[Dani Nelson]

Definitely. You know, a way to accept a dog into your life is, like, just to begin doing things for the dog.

[Hayley Naaman]

Care begets love. It's not the other way around.

[Andy Tagle]

All right, question number two. Shall Dear Life Kit, I'm a 60 year old widower and recently met a 52 year old widow. We get along great, talk the same language, and seem to align well on values. The issue is that she's widowed from her wife. I'm also widowed from my wife who was with women before she met me. We don't use the D word dating, but our times together go on for hours and we talk effortlessly. She's smart as hell and equally as sarcastic as I am. We've told each other that we like each other and have expressed affection in non physical ways. I'm very open about people's sexuality and we've also briefly discussed sexuality. But I have no idea how fluid she may be, if at all. My dilemma is that I would like nothing better than to kiss her. I felt that at least a couple moments would have been perfect for that. Yet I hesitated. I don't want to chase her away. Part of me says I should wait until she makes a move. Part of me thinks we should talk and part of me thinks I should wait for a good time and just gently consensually try to initiate it. Any advice on how to proceed would be greatly appreciated. Signed more than friends. I love it. Okay, Hailey, I love the smile on your face. Tell me your initial thoughts.

[Hayley Naaman]

Yes. I think this one's so sweet. My dilemma is I would like nothing better than to kiss her. See, we've lost all romance in the younger generations.

[Andy Tagle]

I know, I know.

[Hayley Naaman]

Okay, my first impression of this question is I don't think a kiss is where to start here. I think he could say, I really enjoy being friends with you, but would you ever be down to go on a date with me or is that not your thing? Like it could just be as simple as that and easy as that.

[Dani Nelson]

Definitely. But like, before he does anything, he has to let go honestly of what the outcome will be if he wants to remain friends with this person. And like then I think it will be safe for him to move ahead because he will evidently be open to maintaining kind of the relationship as it exists.

[Andy Tagle]

I hear you. I don't know. I think that's kind of risky. Have you ever like genuinely been friends with someone that you liked and you've tried to tell them and like any sort of unreciprocated situation where you genuinely stayed friends with that person or that relationship stayed that close?

[Hayley Naaman]

I think that they're at an age and experience level where they could weather something like this where we could get through it. I mean, you're right. There's always a risk. I guess maybe there's always a risk with love or like, putting yourself out there, but there's a risk with not.

[Dani Nelson]

You know, if he wants to pursue this and he wants to move ahead and he actually treasures the friendship so much so that he doesn't want to lose it, the first course of action is to come to terms in his own heart about the fact that, like, he's completely okay remaining where they are now.

[Andy Tagle]

Yeah.

[Dani Nelson]

I think if he can communicate directly from that place in himself, it will be sensed.

[Hayley Naaman]

Yeah. And I think. I mean, I think there's room for a little humor. It depends on his style.

[Dani Nelson]

It depends on his style.

[Hayley Naaman]

But, you know, they've seen a lot of life and they can weather something like this.

[Andy Tagle]

Okay, question three. Let's do it. Dear Life Kit, my partner of over six years and I are approaching our mid-30s and we're considering taking the next step. Getting married and having kids while starting a family is something we both want in life. I am reluctant to commit to him because I can't understand his family. They're extremely rude to me and constantly belittle me. My background and my culture, like its food and cultural values, which is different from theirs. It's extra difficult for me because my extended family does not live nearby while my partner's family does. They get together often. I just couldn't imagine raising my kids in a mixed cultural household where their closest extended family doesn't understand and celebrate their unique heritage. I've told them how I feel about the situation and we both feel stuck. We feel that confronting his family would be awkward and drive a wedge between my partner and them, which is the last thing I want. I feel like the only options are to suck it up or move on. Signed. No thanks, fam.

[Dani Nelson]

It's curious to me to be with somebody for six years and be talking about starting a family and then be like, but like, actually his in laws are so awful that maybe I should just break up and start all over. It feels like a really extreme response for such a long relationship and one that, like, you're directly communicating about increasing the stakes in. It's worthwhile to consider, like, if actually you are just having doubts in the relationship proper.

[Andy Tagle]

You're saying, like, why now?

[Hayley Naaman]

Yeah, like, I think it can be really painful for your in laws to, like, not see you. And it can be really sad to give up a dream of what relationship you could have with them or what type of grandparents they might be. And I think that that's a real. That can Be a real source of grief. But do I think it should break up an otherwise extra solid relationship? I don't think so. I mean, I think difficult in laws is one of the most classic.

[Dani Nelson]

It's a trope.

[Hayley Naaman]

It's one of the most classic downsides. And obviously it's a spectrum. But they're not in your relationship.

[Dani Nelson]

Right.

[Hayley Naaman]

My read of this is that the issue is with the partner. I think this is the partner's responsibility.

[Andy Tagle]

Right.

[Hayley Naaman]

Deal with his family. Like, stand up for her. Tell them that they're not going to have a relationship with their grandchildren if they don't respect her.

[Dani Nelson]

Like, especially thinking about having children with somebody, it's important to really, like, believe that they will stand up for you.

[Andy Tagle]

Yeah.

[Dani Nelson]

And like for their own child. What you really are needing is like a show of solidarity from your partner with their family.

[Andy Tagle]

Yeah. Or, you know, create some healthy boundaries.

[Dani Nelson]

Maybe something healthier than that.

[Andy Tagle]

Right.

[Dani Nelson]

Yeah.

[Andy Tagle]

I mean, like, you can, you know, she says that like his family gets together all the time. You know, do you have to go to every family gathering? Maybe. If this pair does decide to make it work, how can they set themselves up for success?

[Hayley Naaman]

Yeah. I think that she needs to be incredibly clear with her partner about these fears and doubts she's having and really clear about what she needs him to do. And I think he needs to show up in a way that indicates to her that she's safe and that he absolutely hears her on everything she's saying and agrees. Hopefully he sees it the same way. If she's. If she feels belittled by him in any way, I think that's like a different conversation. If you feel like, hey, this is my person, this is my teammate, this is who I want to start a family with and go through life with, then, yeah. I can't imagine saying, well, I'm just going to ditch them because their parents are bigots, which of course would suck. It would truly suck. And I. I think it would be really hard. But yeah, I think everyone. There's gonna be challenges in every relationship. And I think all you can really ask is that you really feel like you're on a team with your partner and that you feel really respected and that they're hearing you and putting in effort to make you feel heard and known.

[Andy Tagle]

Yeah. So I'm hearing, find the true source of your discomfort in this situation and give your partner the opportunity to be on the same team. Give them the opportunity to rise to the occasion and then go from there.

[Hayley Naaman]

Yeah. And this isn't your burden to carry alone.

[Andy Tagle]

All right, question four. Here we go. Dear Life Kit, this girl and I have been talking for nearly a month. I asked if she wanted to go on a date and she said I'm not saying no and then proceeded to tell me she was still working on stuff caused by her last girlfriend. She said she wanted to get to know me more and see where it goes from there. She knows I like her and I flirt often, but she never really reciprocates or comments on it. She did initially. We talk nearly every day, she's hung out with me several times and I think we get along well. She also initiates a lot of texting. I told her I really liked her and appreciated hanging out with her and she said likewise. But I feel like I'm noticing her slowly slipping away. Is this going anywhere? I'm afraid to ask her and make her feel rushed into a decision and end up saying no because of that. But I'm afraid of waiting for something that may never happen. What if she isn't even into me? I don't know what to do. Do I keep hanging out and not saying anything or do I wait another month or two to say I want to go on a date? Should I just start preparing for this to end? Signed, Head Over Heels. So total honesty here. We almost didn't include this question because we were worried that the answer was a little too straightforward. There's just so much if they wanted to, they would in the ether these days. And my friend head over he I say this kindly. We've all been there. It just doesn't seem like your love interest wants to or will.

[Dani Nelson]

Yep. I mean this is in no way meant to be cruel to the questioner because it's a universal feeling and experience that like everyone has gone through. But this is a case of self delusion. This person is not giving almost any of their energy to you and they are only initiating like texting when they feel the need for some kind of vague affirmation.

[Hayley Naaman]

Yeah, I think for me has more to do with just like self respect. I'm not saying end the end the friendship with this person, but you know, if you find yourself waiting around for somebody who's not investing any time and energy, or worse, sort of sucking your energy, you can also just sort of say hey, that's not, it's not for me to wait around and feed that. And like if you're making it clear that you're interested and they know that and they're sort of being hot and cold, they're Already aware of the power imbalance that's going on here for sure. And the only way you can sort of get your power back, I think, is to just recognize that, you know, you deserve reciprocation.

[Dani Nelson]

Yeah. Like, they're getting what they need from this right now, whether or not, like, they consciously are thinking about the power dynamic or anything, which they likely probably aren't. What's at stake here, like Haley said, is. Is your self respect.

[Andy Tagle]

Yeah, absolutely. And I think you're being a little more generous than I would be to this other person. Like, the fact that she started out by saying, I'm not saying no feels a little bit like she knows exactly what she's doing, too.

[Dani Nelson]

Yeah, maybe so.

[Andy Tagle]

The thing about these kinds of situations is they're so easy to see from the outside, but you swear it's different when you're the one being strung along, you know? Any advice to offer for anyone who's out there hoping beyond hope, it's very.

[Dani Nelson]

Rare that a partner is something to win, like a prize.

[Hayley Naaman]

These are such formative relations. Like experiences, though. Like, these are the exact experiences that you need to help contrast with, like, the warm glow of reciprocity when you. When you finally feel it.

[Andy Tagle]

What's the best way to move on after this kind of hurt? You know, what's the best way to shake it off?

[Hayley Naaman]

Refine your confidence, investing in people who are giving you the same energy you're putting out and just sort of refill your cup.

[Dani Nelson]

There's only one way, and it's just to do exactly what Haley said and also let time pass. Yeah, it's just like it's bad weather for now.

[Hayley Naaman]

Wait out the storm.

[Andy Tagle]

Dani, Haley, it has. It has been an absolute pleasure. Before you leave, we ask every guest for their best piece of advice. I would love to hear each of yours. Anyone have anything to share to start?

[Hayley Naaman]

Mm. I tend to think of my emotions as problems to solve. And I think the best advice I've been given is to recognize that sort of. To what Danny just said is that feelings are weather, and they're meant to be experienced and moved through. And you don't always need to apply intellectual rigor to understand them or to process them. All you have to do, all you owe them, is acceptance and acknowledgement.

[Dani Nelson]

That's really beautiful. What's my advice? Drive across the country. Leave your phone at home. Spend time by yourself.

[Hayley Naaman]

Absolutely.

[Dani Nelson]

That's my advice.

[Hayley Naaman]

Getting outside is huge.

[Marielle Segarra]

That was Life Kit. Reporter Andy Taegle. For more Life Kit, check out our other episodes. We've got one on figuring out your attachment style and another on dealing with jealousy. You can find [e-mail] LifeKit and if you love Life Kit and you just cannot get enough, subscribe to our [e-mail] LifeKitnewsletter Also, we love hearing from you, so if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email [e-mail] this episode of Life Kit was produced by Margaret Serino. Our Visuals editor is Beck Harlan and our Digital editor is Malika Garib. Megan Keane is our supervising editor and Beth Donovan is our Executive producer. Our production team also includes Claire Marie Schneider, Sam Yellowhorse, Kessler and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Zoe Vengenhoven. I'm Marielle Segarra. Thanks for listening.

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This message comes from Sony Pictures Home Entertainment presenting Paddington in Peru, the irresistible movie that critics say is a funny, heartwarming adventure for the whole family. Certified fresh and verified. Hot on Rotten Tomatoes. Watch at home on Digital Today. Rated pg.

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