How to dump an energy vampire

Summary

Podcast Summary: Life Kit – "How to Dump an Energy Vampire"

Host: Marielle Segarra (NPR)
Date: June 25, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this Dear Life Kit edition, host Marielle Segarra and Life Kit team members, including reporter Andy Tagle and digital editor Malika Garib, tackle listener questions about tricky social situations—balancing good news among struggling friends, breaking up with "energy vampires," and maintaining boundaries at work (especially when others’ responsibilities spill onto your plate). Drawing on personal stories, expert interviews, and collective wisdom from the Life Kit archives, the team offers compassionate, actionable advice for anyone struggling with difficult people or feeling stretched too thin.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Navigating Success When Friends Are Struggling

[02:03 - 05:55]

• Listener's Dilemma: A young adult feels guilty about sharing personal successes with friends experiencing hardship, fearing it might foster resentment.
• Marielle’s Perspective:
  • It’s normal for people to be in different life stages and to have ups and downs at different times.
  • Own your right to share and celebrate good times with your friends.
  • "We have to be able to be there for the people we love, whether their lives are up or down...it’s just as much a service to others to show up for them when good things happen and not hold it against them." — Marielle [03:35]
  • Personal Example: When Marielle had cancer, friends felt awkward sharing their lesser problems. She stressed the importance of not playing the "pain Olympics."
  • Advice: Be present for your friends—offer practical support, listen, and be part of their hard times while celebrating your own wins.
• Malika: Asks about nuances—sometimes it is tough to hear others’ good news when you’re hurting.
  • Marielle: Context matters, but being included in friends’ joys can also be motivating or remind you of hope.
• Andy’s Strategy:
  • Use the “reverse empathy” check: Would I want my friends to hide their joys from me?
  • "If someone is in your corner, they're in your corner no matter what...If someone wants to yuck on my yum, they're gonna yuck on my yum no matter how well they're doing." — Andy [05:10]
• Group Insight:
  • Good friends can hold space for both your joy and your pain. If you can’t be vulnerable in both directions, maybe your friendship needs examination.

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2. Boundaries with Energy Vampires

[07:00 - 11:27]

• Listener's Dilemma: A high schooler feels drained by a peer who constantly one-ups her and is mean, but they’re forced to interact.
• Malika’s Experience:
  • Attracts "energy vampires" who dump their problems; admits to struggling with boundaries out of niceness/obligation.
  • Tip from Rachel Wilkerson Miller (author, The Art of Showing Up):
    • “Break up with a friend like you would a partner…‘I appreciate that you want to be friends with me, but I’m just not feeling the connection. I know we’re in a lot of classes together, so let’s try to be cordial with each other…’” [07:59]
    • Acknowledge the relationship, but set limits and request space.
  • Marielle: Sometimes easier to do in writing.
• Andy’s Alternative (the Toddler Tactic):
  • Treat the energy vampire like a disruptive toddler: out-wacky their wacky, distract, or disengage.
  • “Mentally disengage, protect your peace, do nothing to fan the flames.”—Andy [09:41]
  • Reinforce positive behavior with others, not the vampire.
  • Example: Ignore a mean comment, pivot and compliment someone else.
  • Marielle: “Not available for mistreatment”—hold your boundaries without losing kindness.
• Group Insight:
  • Energy vampires often prey on kindness. Set gentle but firm limits, disengage, and remember: “Give as much as you can lovingly and no more.”
  • "You're soft. But like, don't mistreat me." — Malika [11:25]

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3. Setting Boundaries at Work without Guilt

[11:35 - 15:56]

• Listener’s Dilemma: Juggling extra workload due to a co-worker (and friend) with child-rearing responsibilities; hesitates to ask for help or delegate, leading to stress and resentment.
• Malika’s (joking) advice: "Quit your job." [12:18]
• Andy’s Deeper Dive:
  • Not a parent vs. child-free issue—it’s about perceived vs. real expectations.
  • Cites Dr. Leah Rupanner (“Drained”): “Separate out what is required of you, what you’re taking on out of obligation, and what you actually want to be doing.” [12:40]
  • Suggests letter-writer is enacting “people pleaser” tendencies.
  • Is all this extra work actually your responsibility?
• Marielle’s Take:
  • Ultimately, meeting the workload is the company's problem, not just yours. If tasks pile up, the organization (not the individual) should address it. [13:47]
• Andy:
  • If a talk with your boss hasn’t worked, schedule another—arm yourself with data about your contributions. If you’re consistently taking on more, discuss title or compensation.
  • If underappreciated, let your boss know: “I’m doing way too much.”
• Marielle:
  • People with kids are often given more workplace leeway, but child-free workers shouldn’t be penalized or expected to “make up” the difference.
  • "It doesn't make you a better person, a more upstanding member of society, or more important, because you have kids versus someone else." — Marielle [14:53]
• Group Reflection:
  • If you can’t give “lovingly” anymore, stop or set a boundary.
  • Quote from Brittany Luce: "I'm gonna give as much as I can lovingly and no more. Because if you give more than you can give lovingly...you end up feeling shortchanged." — [15:13]
  • Applies to all relationships and settings.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Compassionate Friendship:

  • “We have to be able to be there for the people we love, whether their lives are up or down...it’s just as much a service to others to show up for them when good things happen and not hold it against them.” — Marielle [03:35]

• On Handling One-Upping & Negativity:

  • "If someone wants to yuck on my yum, they're gonna yuck on my yum no matter how well they're doing." — Andy [05:11]

• On Setting Boundaries with Draining People:

  • “Mentally disengage, protect your peace, do nothing to fan the flames.” — Andy [09:41]
  • "Not available for mistreatment." — Marielle [11:05]
  • “You're soft. But like, don't mistreat me.” — Malika [11:25]

• On Work-Life Boundaries:

  • "It doesn't make you a better person ... because you have kids versus someone else." — Marielle [14:53]
  • "I'm gonna give as much as I can lovingly and no more. Because if you give more than you can give lovingly...you end up feeling shortchanged." — Brittany Luce (quoted by Andy) [15:13]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:03] – Sharing good news when friends are struggling
• [07:00] – Setting boundaries with an energy vampire
• [11:35] – Handling workplace boundary issues
• [15:13] – “Give as much as you can lovingly and no more” refrain

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Summary Takeaways

• Authentic relationships require space to share both joys and hardships; hiding success for fear of “pain Olympics” isn’t necessary among true friends.
• Firm, clear boundaries (soft or direct) are essential with people who drain your energy—choose the approach that fits your context and personality.
• In work and life, give as much as you can “lovingly”—no more. Know when resentment is a sign to set limits, whether among friends, at work, or with energy vampires.
• Your well-being is as valid as anyone else’s, regardless of circumstances or responsibilities.

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If you have a life or friendship question, email the Life Kit team at [e-mail].

Transcript

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[A]

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[A]

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[C]

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I think you should. Can I just say an idea? Offer, like, a decoy tray of, like, other jewelry and, like, put it in an obvious place and so they can be attracted to that decoy jewelry.

[D]

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[C]

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Okay.

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We're just talking, but I feel like this is very actionable advice.

[A]

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[C]

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[B]

Okay, well. Hi, it's Mariel Segarra. Welcome to another edition of Dear Life Kit, the series where you send us your questions and we try to dole out some helpful advice. We're actually trying something new today. All of the advice is going to come from us, the Life Kit team, with help from the collective wisdom in our archives. And as always, for Dear Life Kit, reporter Andy Tagle is here. Hi, Andy.

[D]

Hey, Mariel.

[B]

And we've also got got our digital editor, Malika Garib here.

[C]

Hello.

[B]

Let's get right into it with our first question. Andy, you want to read that one?

[D]

Okay. Dear Life Kit, this is going to sound super petty, and it kind of is, but I'm worried about losing my friends when my life is going better than theirs. One of my friend's parents is having health issues. Another friend is struggling with bills, and another is caring for their grandparents. I've become scared to share things with them because my problems don't feel as big. And I've recently had some positive things happen in my career. We're all in our early 20s, and I know it's not abnormal for everyone to be on different paths and such, but I'm still worried about stoking resentment. What do I do?

[B]

Yeah, I Mean, I get this, and it's going to be very common in all of our lives that sometimes when you're up, other people are down and vice versa.

[C]

Right.

[B]

And also, sometimes even within your own life, often parts of your life are up and parts of your life are down. Like, I have had personal experience with when I got cancer, people close friends of mine, feeling like they shouldn't tell me certain things in their lives. And actually, it wasn't even good stuff happening. It was bad stuff, but stuff that they thought didn't compare to having cancer at 34. So they were like, well, she's going through chemo, so I can't talk to her about my breakup. And I didn't feel that way at all. Like, I was. I remember saying to them it was like pain Olympics. And they were like, that's not how I see the world. And I do think, fundamentally that we have to be able to be there for the people we love, whether their lives are up or down. That it's just as much of a service to others to show up for them when the good things happen and not hold it against them.

[C]

Well, I have a question about that. Cause, like, if you do go through a breakup and you see that all your friends are getting married or getting with people. Yeah. I don't want to hear about the fact that you're getting married. Right. Like, why is it in that situation that it's kind of normal to, like, not want to hear, oh, gosh, they're getting married. But then, yeah. It's interesting that you're saying that when you were going through cancer and going through this horrible thing, that it was okay for you to hear about other breakups. Is it because the context was totally different?

[B]

I think the context being different helps. And I also had no problem hearing about the good things in people's lives.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It actually just reminded me that there was good on the other side of what I was going through. Like, my friends being in Europe, you know, with their kids and sending pictures. I was like, oh, my gosh, I can't wait to go there when I'm done with treatment. But I think, yeah, you want to make sure with your friends that you're also showing up for them and not just asking, how are you? Like, if. If awful things are happening in their lives, then you want to be present and think about, like, what you're good at and practical ways you could show up. Like, if they're going to a lot of doctor's visits, maybe you're good at being pushy. And advocating for someone. Or maybe you're good at organizing the meal train. Or maybe you're really good at emotional support. You wanna think about the specifics of the situation that they shared with you and how you can show up for them.

[D]

A trick that I found helpful with this is something that I got from the team.

[C]

What is it?

[D]

And it was just ask in the reverse situation, would you be offended? You know, like, if something bad was happening to me and something good was happening to my friend, would it hurt my feeling? Would I. Would I want to bring my friends down with me? Like, of course not. Like, I would. I would. You know, if someone is in your corner, I found in my personal experience, like, if someone is in my corner, they're in my corner no matter what. And if someone wants to yuck on my yum, they're gonna yuck on my yum no matter how well they're doing. You know what I mean?

[C]

That's true. Also, it's a good. This is maybe a good litmus test, too. It's like, if she can come to these people, her friends, and like, she feels comfortable enough to celebrate with them no matter where they are. And they like, yes, I think reciprocate is important. I think that's like a sign that, like, it's a good friendship. But if they're like, if she doesn't feel comfortable in that space too, then maybe it's also not a good sign.

[D]

Right?

[C]

Yeah.

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[B]

Let's go to question two.

[C]

What do you think?

[D]

Yeah. All right. Question number two. Dear Life Kit, how do you Deal with people you can't stand but are forced to interact with on a regular basis. I'm in high school, and there's this person who I have many classes with, share mutual friends with, but she's an energy vampire. She loves to one up me and has a mean sense of humor. How can I set clearer boundaries or make my interactions with her less painful?

[C]

Okay, so I have to tell you guys something. I, like, attract energy vampires. I don't know how and why, but they come to me, they dump on me.

[D]

Tell us more.

[C]

Like, they vent at me and they talk at me, and then, like, they don't let me leave me any room to, like, speak. And I think that it's because I'm way too nice. Like, I don't. And I don't have any, like, boundaries with friendships, too. It's like, I'll just, like, keep hanging out with a person because I feel obligated. So for this high school student, I spent a lot of time looking through all of our friendship episodes, and I found the perfect advice for you.

[D]

I'm ready.

[C]

From an interview with the writer Rachel Wilkerson Miller, who wrote the book the Art of Showing up, how to be there for yourself and your people. And her advice was this. Break up with a friend like you would break up with a partner. Here's what you might say to this energy vampire. Listen, I appreciate that you want to be friends with me, but I'm just not feeling the connection. I know we're in a lot of classes together, so let's try to be cordial with each other when we see each other. But for now, I'd appreciate if you gave me a little bit of space. I hope you understand.

[B]

Hmm. That seems like, maybe easier to say over text.

[C]

Yes.

[D]

I mean, I think that your response, Malika, I also think it's a mature one.

[C]

Maybe a little too mature.

[D]

Yeah. Here's the thing. Okay. So my initial thought was, I think it's a mature one, and I think it would be very good in an ideal world.

[C]

Right.

[D]

But high school. High school is very far from an ideal world. Right. I think you're right. Yeah. I think it's very far from an ideal world.

[C]

So what would you do?

[D]

Okay, so my solution, the first thing that came to my mind. It's a weird one. Stick with me. But the first episode that came to my head, the first advice that came to my head was the episode on how to raise a toddler, on how to talk toddler.

[C]

Oh, my God. That is not the connection I thought you were going to make. But say more, please.

[D]

Okay. This person can be really. Sounds really irritating. Sounds like they're being really illogical. Like they're being really nonsensical. Not very far away from a toddler. And when you are communicating with a toddler and you want them to change their behavior, you have to be really creative. So sometimes to, like, out wacky. Their wacky. Sometimes you have to, like, distract them or give them, like, a hard time limit or.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

In the case of, like, an allout tantrum, like, if this person's being really mean, then what. What you have to do is, like, mentally disengage, protect your peace, you know, do nothing to fan the flames.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Or I might try to, like, positively reinforce someone else's behavior. You know, Like, I might, like, go to someone who I actually think is cool and, like, try and talk to them about that thing that I thought.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

You know what I mean?

[B]

Like, I might or might not respond to what they said and literally be

[D]

like, they tell a mean joke. Yeah.

[B]

You say something mean about me, Malika. I know. I can't imagine it ever. I truly can't imagine it happening. But you say something mean to me or you. You one up me, and I just literally, like, don't respond to you. Like, eyes glaze over and I'm like, andy, I love your jumpsuit.

[D]

Totally. Yeah.

[B]

You know, just like, don't.

[D]

Don't. You don't have to laugh at the joke. Right. Like, they can't keep telling the jokes. You don't have to laugh at the joke.

[B]

Or even, like. Even if I was just talking to. I could be like, did you say that you were going to the beach this weekend or just something like that? Like, the distraction thing, I think could be really helpful.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Sometimes when people are mean, I feel like it's coming from an insecure place and, like, trying to prove you're so cool place. And so just being hard with them, like, being a little, like. Like, you can be. There's this meme that I saw that I really love. It's a bunny rabbit holding a medieval weapon. Like, it's like, it has, like, a chain and with, like, a ball on the end and a bunch of metal spikes and it. But not available for mistreatment.

[C]

Dang. I love that.

[B]

You know what? That's how I feel.

[C]

That's how I feel like I am. Like, people feel like they. That's why I attract the energy vampires. I think it's because I think they can just sort of, like, dump on me. But, like, I think that I have to have, like, a boundary. Like, this is the thing about this person is that, like, you're very nice to, like, entertain these kinds of treatment. But, like, yeah, just let her know.

[D]

Yeah, let them know you're not.

[C]

You're soft. But, like, don't mistreat me.

[B]

Yeah. All right, let's go on to question three.

[D]

Okay, let's do it. Dear Life Kit, I have a co worker who I absolutely adore, and we're friends outside the workplace as well. She has three young children and she prioritizes being a good mom over things at work. But when she has to call out for doctor's appointments, sick days, or holidays, the job picking up the slack at work tends to fall on me. Our boss doesn't see the problem, and I realize it's my own fault for taking things on. I have a lot of trouble delegating or asking for help since I often find myself so stressed that it's easier just to do things myself. I'm happily childless myself, and I want my friend and co worker to be able to prioritize her family. I feel terrible for feeling resentful. How do I stop this cycle of stress?

[C]

Quit your job.

[B]

Just kidding.

[C]

Just kidding.

[D]

Okay, I think this is a really juicy question. And at first glance, it seems like a parent versus child free values type of question, I think. But I think actually this is a you versus you question. Personally, I think that's what. Do you agree? Do you agree?

[C]

Yeah, I agree. I agree.

[D]

It's a you versus the perceived expectations of you, the largely unstated expectations of you. Letter writer. And I want to just start by saying the people pleaser in me sees the people pleaser in you just say. Something I learned recently from our episode on the book Drained from a professor named Leah Rupanner is that sometimes when it comes to the mental load, sometimes you need to separate out what is required of you, what you're taking on out of obligation, and what you actually want to be doing. Like, does it really have to be on you to take on this work besties load? You know, do you have to raise your hand every time? Does anyone have to raise their hand for this work? You know, are your deadlines real deadlines? These are the things that I'm thinking of. What about you guys?

[B]

And I think ultimately, like, I know sometimes if we care about our jobs or even if we're diligent type of people, we feel like the work is our responsibility and if it doesn't all get done Then it's on us. But ultimately, it's the company's responsibility and it's the company's problem if it's not all getting done.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And their challenge to figure out.

[D]

Right, that's exactly what I said. Is, like, it sounds like you need to talk to your boss about this. It sounds like you have tried before and it has been successful. Like, one conversation. It doesn't have to stop at one conversation. Right. So, like, it seems like it's time to ask your boss for a meeting. Give yourself time to have to think about what you want to say. And when you do that, data is your friend. Keep your receipts if you haven't already. Arm yourself with information. If you feel like you've been doing a lot of the work for a lot of the time and you're okay with that, then maybe it's time for a new role, a new title, more money, so that you can feel less resentful.

[C]

Let this be your flag.

[D]

Red flag. Yeah. Or if you're not, then let your boss know I'm doing way too much and it's time to.

[B]

I think that another point here is often in the workplace, people who have kids are given more leeway or more like, help. And I understand that they do need the support, but that doesn't mean that someone who's child free should just automatically have to work more than someone who has a kid.

[D]

Absolutely.

[B]

Like, yeah, we've done an episode on how to be child free, and part of that is just reinforcing that. That is a valid choice. And it doesn't make you a better person, a more upstanding member of society, or more important, because you have kids versus someone else.

[C]

Maybe you need to hear that, actually. Maybe the letter writer needs to hear that.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. I had the exact same thing to say. Brittany Luce, the host of It's Been a Minute, came on to Dear Life Kit a few months back, and she had this great line. She says, I'm gonna give as much as I can lovingly and no more. Because if you give more than what you can give lovingly, you're either going to. It either leads to conflict or you end up feeling shortchanged. So I think it applies to these friends here. It applies at work, it applies to friends, it applies to family. I'll give you as much as I can that I can give lovingly. But as soon as I feel any sort of bitterness in my mouth, that's the line. That's the line. It doesn't matter if I have kids. If I don't have kids. Whatever. I can give lovingly once I'm unhappy about it. That's. That's the line to stop. Then you're asking too much.

[C]

Wow. That also applies to the other letter writer with the energy vampire.

[D]

Yeah, probably applies to all of them.

[C]

That's right. That's good advice.

[D]

I think so, too. Thanks, Britney.

[C]

Loose Snaps to Brittany Luce.

[D]

Yeah,

[B]

If you have a question for Life Kit, Dear listener, send it to us. We want to hear your questions about money, about healthcare, about staying organized, exercising, messy breakups, annoying friends, whatever you got. Email us your question or record yourself asking it and send the file to lifekitpr.org I'm Mariel Segarra. Thanks for listening.

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