How to talk toddler

Summary

Life Kit (NPR) – “How to Talk Toddler”

Host: Marielle Segarra
Guests: Roger Harrison (Pediatric Psychologist), Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator), Chaz Lewis (Educator/Mister Chaz), Lane (Preschool Teacher/Coach), Parent Commentators
Date: October 2, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode of Life Kit dives deep into the world of toddlerhood, unraveling the mysteries of why toddlers act the way they do and—more importantly—how to communicate with them more effectively. Host Marielle Segarra, joined by experts in psychology, early childhood education, and parenting, offers practical, science-backed guidance to help caregivers move from power struggles to meaningful, empathetic connection with their little ones.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding the Toddler Mind (00:45–03:12)

• Developmental Milestones:
  • Toddlers (age 1–3) are in a profound stage of self-discovery, learning cognitive, motor, and language skills.
  • They’re just realizing they are separate individuals from their caregivers—a revelation that is both amazing and terrifying for them.
• Egocentric Logic:
  • Their view of possessions and the world is all about them:

    "If it's mine, it's mine. If it's yours and I want it, it's also mine." – Roger Harrison (01:22)

• Opposition as Discovery:
  • Saying “no” is not about defiance, but learning boundaries and identity.
• Parent Takeaway:
  • Understanding the "why" behind toddler behaviors lets caregivers respond with empathy rather than frustration.

    "When we understand the why of certain behaviors...it allows parents not to personalize some behaviors and actually to step back from the intensity of the emotion and address the behavior strategically." – Roger Harrison (02:52)

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2. Removing Your “Adult Goggles” (05:02–09:19)

• One-Size-Fits-None:
  • Parenting advice isn’t universal—adapt to the unique child in front of you.
• Parental Traps:
  • Taking opposition personally leads to double-down power struggles.

    "You just have to let go of your end of the rope because you will never win. Your child will eat you flesh and bones and spit out the bones like a piranha." – Parent Commentator (06:16)

• Emotional Reality:
  • Adult reasoning doesn't compute for toddlers; their brains aren’t ready.

    "Logic and reasoning...these are all executive function skills. That part of the brain isn't fully developed to at least twenty-five, twenty-six." – Chaz Lewis (Educator/Mister Chaz) (07:42)

  • Skills like emotional regulation and empathy are works in progress for everybody, toddlers and adults alike.

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3. The Power of Play: Disrupt and Distract (09:41–12:40)

• Play as Problem-Solving:
  • Disrupt tantrum loops with imaginative or playful responses instead of confrontation.

    "Anytime I can see the toddler sort of stuck in a loop, to do something weird is like my best opportunity." – Lane (10:10)

• Purpose Behind Physical Play:
  • Bumping, crashing, and sensory seeking are ways toddlers learn about their bodies and boundaries.
• Lean into Big Feelings:
  • When toddlers escalate, escalate your playfulness to redirect.

    “The idea of a bigger, better offer...because often a child will resort to conflict when they don't know how to do connection.” – Jamie Glacki (12:03)

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4. Consistency and Control: Mastering Transitions (14:30–17:10)

• Give (Some) Power:
  • Offer small, manageable choices to foster agency.

    "The goal of toddlerhood...is to give a child enough power—small, manageable pieces—so that they can practice with it..." – Lane (15:16)

  • Examples: “Spiderman shirt or baseball tee? Blue plate or purple plate?”
• Concrete Tools for Abstract Concepts:
  • Use visual timers or color cues to help toddlers grasp time.

    "I recommend [a timer] that communicates time with color, because they don't have the executive skills to just process it in their head..." – Chaz Lewis (16:31)

• Tone Over Content:
  • A calm, confident voice reassures toddlers even more than the words themselves.

    “That’s actually transmitting, particularly to your much younger toddlers, a lot more than your words are.” – Lane (17:10)

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5. Model, Don’t Just Tell: Teaching Empathy and Boundaries (17:23–22:16)

• Impulse Control is Slow to Develop:
  • Hitting or grabbing is not “mean”—it’s a result of not yet understanding consequences.
• Avoid Negatives:
  • Instead of telling kids what not to do, direct them to what to do.

    "For one, your average toddler doesn't fully grasp the concept of negation yet..." – Jamie Glacki (19:49)

• Demonstrate Desired Behaviors:
  • Guide toddlers through resolving conflicts, using both words and actions.

    “You wanted a turn with the toy...[now] show them what they could have done.” – Chaz Lewis (21:08)

• Practice Empathy by Modeling:
  • Don’t force apologies—model empathy so kids learn by example.

    “I’m more modeling empathy for them at that stage than I am trying to require it from them.” – Lane (21:58)

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6. Consequences, Tantrums, and Self-Regulation (22:16–27:40)

• Respectful Consequences:
  • Consequences should be immediate, logical, and consistently enforced.

    “When your answer is no, it really has to be no…and that's where a consequence comes in. An appropriate consequence builds safety and trust because it's respectful, immediate, and logical.” – Jamie Glacki (24:54)

• Public Meltdowns:
  • Don’t parent for the crowd; focus on your child’s needs.

    “We do this thing that I call out loud parenting. We over explain because we want everybody in the vicinity to understand that we're a good parent...” – Parent Commentator (22:54)

• Tantrums Happen:
  • Sometimes, the best you can do is ride out the storm safely.

    "A tantrum kind of needs to happen once it's like really gotten going..." – Lane (26:02)

  • Check your own stress; it’s okay to give in early, but don’t send mixed signals.
• Self-Care for Parents:
  • Find breathing techniques or self-talk to calm yourself; your calm helps regulate your child.

    “My kid's just doing what kids do. I'm gonna let it ride. I'm just gonna be here when they're ready for a hug.” – Parent Commentator (27:15)

  • Recognize you have needs and limits too—it’s okay to say, “give me a second.” – Lane (27:40)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Roger Harrison:

  "It dawns on me that whoa, that is not me—I am someone else. The person who cares for me is a distinct human being..." (02:00)

• Jamie Glacki:

  “Remove your grown-up goggles when dealing with kids’ emotions. You can't reason with toddler talk, and fighting toddler feelings is completely futile.” (06:31)

• Chaz Lewis:

  “Logic and reasoning...these are all executive function skills. Now what's important to know is that this part of the brain isn't fully developed till at least twenty-five, twenty-six.” (07:42)

• Lane:

  "Anytime I can see the toddler sort of stuck in a loop, to do something weird is like my best opportunity.” (10:10)

• Parent:

  “You will never ever have the will of a toddler.” (06:16)

• Jamie Glacki:

  "Consequences are respectful, immediate, logical, and follow-through on that doesn't make them easy—so don't forget to cut everybody some slack." (27:59)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:45 — Introduction to Toddler Logic and Development
• 02:39 — The Challenge: Why “No” Means “No” (and Sometimes “Yes”)
• 05:02 — Advice Isn’t One-Size-Fits-All
• 06:31 — Power Struggles and Emotional Reality
• 09:41 — Disrupting Tantrums with Play
• 14:30 — Transitions & Unpacking Agency
• 17:23 — Modeling Behavior and Managing Impulse Control
• 22:16 — Boundaries, Consequences, and Navigating Public Meltdowns
• 26:02 — Coping with Tantrums and Parental Self-Regulation
• 27:40 — Final Recap and Takeaways

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Actionable Takeaways (27:59)

1. Don’t Fight Toddler Logic: Reasoning with toddlers in the heat of emotion usually fails; accept their reality and stay calm.
2. Get Playful: Use creativity and play to disrupt spiraling moments—sometimes the best route out of a tantrum is a silly song or a new game.
3. Share Power Wisely: Offer manageable choices—“this shirt or that one?”—to build agency and reduce power struggles.
4. Model, Don’t Just Instruct: Show and practice the behaviors you want to see, rather than just issuing negative directives.
5. Consistency is Key: Be prepared to follow through with boundaries and consequences, but also care for your own emotional needs and avoid shaming—toward yourself or your child.

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This episode arms caregivers with a toolbox for navigating the strange, exhausting, and sometimes hilarious world of toddlerhood—with a little more perspective, patience, and play.

Transcript

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[Marielle Segarra]

This week is the first in more than fifty years that public media will operate without federal funding it's an uncertain moment but here's what is certain public media is still here independent resilient and people powered whatever the moment we'll be here talking to experts and bringing you research backed information to help you live longer healthier and happier lives you're listening to life kit from npr.

[Lane (Preschool Teacher/Coach)]

Hey it's.

[Marielle Segarra]

Marielle welcome weary travelers if you've tuned into this episode you have likely journeyed to the mysterious and often maddening realm of known as toddlerhood watch your step the terrain is rocky here and the view is a little strange with buildings made of legos and covered in finger paint and a boisterous wildly unpredictable population fueled by apple juice and mini muffins for us extraterrestrial adults the laws of this loud and colorful land can often seem entirely illogical the rules of ownership.

[Roger Harrison (Pediatric Psychologist)]

Are really different when i'm two and three because the rules go if it's mine it's mine if it's yours and i want it it's also mine if i had it yesterday and you have it now and i want it it's.

[Marielle Segarra]

Mine this is pediatric psychologist roger harrison at the children's hospital of philadelphia he knows how to speak toddler roger says one of the fundamental things to understand about this moment is that it's as new and as bewildering for the child as it is for you see when we're first born we don't have any sense that we're separate from our caregivers but then as we start to grow this amazing thing happens it dawns on.

[Roger Harrison (Pediatric Psychologist)]

Me that whoa that is not me i am someone else the person who cares for me is a distinct human being and sometimes when i cry they don't come right away and i can't move and my legs don't work that well i don't have language and now i'm terrified and now i have to figure out who i am toddlerhood is.

[Marielle Segarra]

That period of self discovery the time generally ranging from about one to three years old when a child is not only picking up new cognitive and motor skills and language at a mile a minute but is learning about who they are often by contrast through opposition to all the other things in the world what's me and what's you what's real.

[Roger Harrison (Pediatric Psychologist)]

And what's not and so you'll notice your two year old start to say things like no even when i mean.

[Marielle Segarra]

Yes that kind of super fun pushback is just one of the qualities that makes toddlerhood so uniquely challenging what i.

[Roger Harrison (Pediatric Psychologist)]

Notice is that when we understand the why of certain behaviors and when we can place the why within an appropriate developmental context it allows parents not to personalize some behaviors and actually to step back from the intensity of the emotion and address the behavior strategically.

[Marielle Segarra]

On this episode of life kit we learn how to talk toddler life kit reporter andy tagle with the help of roger and our other trusty guides will help you better understand some of those tough parenting moments from your little one's perspective.

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[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

In case you're new here let me state for the record unlike a beloved family quilt passed down from one generation of newborns to the next the advice we're offering here is not one size fits all it's also not an exhaustive tour of toddlerhood who's got the time but i promise you my fellow underslept over worried friend we've got buckets of helpful information and a buffet of tools to keep in your back pocket from.

[Parent/Commentator]

There you gotta figure out what kid is in front of you some kids come out of the womb with boxing gloves on you can't make direct eye contact you can't suggest anything so it's really about locking into the kid you have and creating that connection cause you're zero to six year old all they.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Want is you jamie glacki is a parenting and potty training educator with a background in social work she authored the books oh crap potty training and oh crap i have a toddler she says the problem with that unique connection is it can be a bit of a double edged sword because it can make those built in emotional swings of toddlerhood the power struggles feel really personal it can make you dig your heels in just as deep as your kid but.

[Parent/Commentator]

You just have to let go of your end of the rope because you will never win your child will eat you flesh and bones and spit out the bones like a piranha like you will never ever have the will of a toddler.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Takeaway one remove your grown up goggles when dealing with kids emotions you can't reason with toddler talk and fighting toddler feelings is completely futile remember that egocentric identity building roger was talking about at the top he was actually underselling it a bit i only see.

[Roger Harrison (Pediatric Psychologist)]

One perspective i see it as clear as day i see should get that treat and i believe that everyone else in the world sees the same thing and so when i want the treat and i don't get the treat it makes no sense to me so sure.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

In your reality the sky is blue the grass is green and you're already twenty minutes late it is time to put on shoes and head to daycare but over there in toddler world the clock very clearly reads it's eat cookies and play legos o' clock why can't you see so maybe you tried to reason with tiny at this point don't you want grandpa to do well at work it's a really big day at the office and i have to be on time because jobs are important the.

[Chaz Lewis (Educator/Mister Chaz)]

Logic and reasoning the perspective taking the.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Emotional regulation these are all executive function.

[Chaz Lewis (Educator/Mister Chaz)]

Skills now what's important to know is that this part of the brain isn't fully developed to at least twenty five.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Twenty six this is chaz lewis you might know him better as the educator mister chaz on instagram or seen him on your feed breaking down the neuroscience of why a child's not listening to you and vice versa as the head of education at birdhouse that's a child care center in new york he follows a social emotional practice called conscious discipline according to chaz what's likely happening in this moment is that your toddler is stuck in an emotional state what triggers.

[Chaz Lewis (Educator/Mister Chaz)]

Us into the emotional state is something in the world simply not going our.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Way and i'll repeat that executive state like your capacity for reasoning and emotional regulation isn't fully built out for most people until your mid twenties for toddlers it's at best just glimmers and glimpses.

[Roger Harrison (Pediatric Psychologist)]

So if everything is going well for me i can be really compassionate i can be at two or three and go over and give someone else a hug if i am activated if i am disturbed it is really really hard for me to engage in what adults imagine as an empathic response socio emotional.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Skills are just that skills like math or reading or tying your shoes they take time to learn and much longer to handle gracefully for young kids of course but also for parents and caregivers who can just as easily lose grip on their skills when stressed out we're.

[Chaz Lewis (Educator/Mister Chaz)]

Like if you don't clean up your toys we're gonna throw it away and da da da they get triggered and then we let them trigger us to our emotional state where we can't access our own executive state skills so how.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Do we hold fast to our own skill set and ensure we're not asking our toddlers to do the equivalent of em long division there are a number.

[Roger Harrison (Pediatric Psychologist)]

Of strategies parents can use to develop empathy almost none of them are going to be effective at the moment that the child is activated or having a big emotion.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

So you gotta try and cut off those great big feelings at the pass one option here takeaway two get weird with it disrupt and distract with the power of play i feel.

[Lane (Preschool Teacher/Coach)]

Like anytime i can see the toddler sort of stuck in a loop to do something weird is like my best.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Opportunity lane dealing sherland is a longtime preschool teacher turned coach and content creator focused on adult toddler dynamics if it's.

[Lane (Preschool Teacher/Coach)]

Around snacks maybe we're having snack under the table maybe i will tell you we're at the fanciest restaurant of your life go put on a fancy skirt.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

And bring it over here when lane was teaching her specialty was two year olds you know the ones famously known for being terrible she says the thing about toddlers is they're little scientists the whole world every action and interaction is a new experiment can i crash into.

[Lane (Preschool Teacher/Coach)]

This thing does it move okay i feel literally with my body like proprioceptive the edges of myself when i bump into stuff and i'm doing that in terms of relationship as well of kind of crashing through my life finding out what works and what does not work.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Yes she says toddlers are weird but they do things for a reason just like grownups for example maybe you have a little one at home who loves running around and bumping into stuff like every living room is his own life size pinball machine that feeling of crash.

[Lane (Preschool Teacher/Coach)]

Feels really important and we can actually sort of overprotect them in a way that they end up a little dysregulated because actually their body just really needs this sensory input so play can be.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Purposeful it can allow them to grow and gather new information and it's a super handy tool when say your little one's upset over a non existent ouchy or overtired at the dinner table when god forbid their chicken touches their peas on their plate when they go big jamie says try going even bigger bigger.

[Parent/Commentator]

Lean into it oh my god we gotta get it off but we calm down no calm down we gotta get the pee off the chicken it's the.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Idea of a bigger better offer you know because often lane says a child will resort to conflict when they don't know how to do connection so it's maybe less about picking the exact right song on your car ride and more about not getting enough cuddle time this morning so turn off the radio and make up your own silly song or have a mini dance party before you get out of the car and send them on their way so sometimes instead.

[Lane (Preschool Teacher/Coach)]

Of needing to lay a boundary around a thing that i don't care that much about and have a whole fight it's like actually can i just offer you a different way for life to be interesting can i turn this upside.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Down when we're back we'll fight one of parents biggest fears transitions the right tools at bath or bedtime can be as powerful as that favorite nightlight against the monster under the bed.

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[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Mobile for details okay so if leaning into the fanciful isn't your personal pretend cup of tea let's talk about structure takeaway three transitions are scary create consistency and share control where you can wake up change clothes eat breakfast toddlers are bossed around all day long with little explanation understanding or say in the process so when your little one throws a huge fit about having to get out of the bath and try to remember it is huge for her it's one of the very few pieces of the world she has any agency over that's not a small thing the goal of.

[Lane (Preschool Teacher/Coach)]

Toddlerhood in my opinion is to give a child enough power small manageable pieces of their own personal power so that they can practice with it we want them to have practiced enough at manageable levels that when they are this young adult going out into the world they kind of know this is how i make decisions my decisions do affect other.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

People so spiderman shirt or baseball tee blue plate or purple plate finding opportunities throughout the day to offer your toddler two desirable choices can help them learn to wield that power and offer some control in the planning process of their life but still allow you to steer the ship as in no sweetheart we're not going to the playground right now.

[Lane (Preschool Teacher/Coach)]

We are going to go pick up your brother from school would you like to drive past where we can see the cute dog in the yard that you love or would you like to drive past the fountain in the park i decide where we're going i keep us on track i keep things safe and good and here are some things that you can choose from that totally.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Work for me keeping time can be another sticky one it's still a bit too abstract a concept at this age that's why directives like you've got two minutes before bed are often unsuccessful or.

[Chaz Lewis (Educator/Mister Chaz)]

Clunky we can help them by doing something like having a visual timer i recommend the one that communicates time with color because they don't have the executive skills to just process it in their head and prepare to transition and showing them like oh look there's a little bit less red oh look there's a little bit less red there's a little.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Bit less red ding lane says one of the most powerful tools in these moments your tone do you ever find you get a little pre apologetic maybe go up an octave or two out of nerves like mommy will only be gone for a few hours no blankie isn't here right now the dentist is.

[Lane (Preschool Teacher/Coach)]

Great and really what's happening is that my shoulders are up by my ears because inside i'm super nervous that they're gonna hate it and they're gonna cry and it's gonna hurt them you know that's the that's actually transmitting particularly to your much younger toddlers a lot more.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Than your words are for a toddler a kind but firm authoritative tone can feel as real and as reassuring as their favorite stuffy but that logic goes the other way too if the vibes in their environment are off they'll follow suit which leads us right to takeaway four don't just say don't model what you want to see and give them a clear path to success some of the hardest moments for me as a parent are when my kid gets physical with other kids or swats at me or his dad or his plate when he's frustrated dealing with that lack of impulse control is a common concern for parents at this phase but thankfully not.

[Lane (Preschool Teacher/Coach)]

For experts it's actually not mean to be hitting someone else when you don't have the ability to understand how it impacts them it's a tool that's not going to be successful and that's a really important framework for me you see.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Developmentally these little scientists are just looking for the shortest distance from where they are to what they want of course just knowing that information doesn't automatically make big moments of antisocial behavior and any less stressful or activating for caregivers depending on your upbringing your history you might even feel more inclined to curb these kinds of bad behavior with your own bigger behavior might want to nip it in the bud say maybe with yelling or spanking or other types of aggression chaz says he gets that but it.

[Chaz Lewis (Educator/Mister Chaz)]

Doesn'T make sense for us then to expect our child not to hit or to yell or to use aggression when they want something that they are having a hard time with or they can't.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Have toddlers will do as you do not simply as you say in part because their language comprehension just isn't there yet chaz says a very common mistake is parents will tell kids no no no no no we don't hit don't take toys that aren't yours don't touch don't touch don't touch don't touch then they get frustrated when kids don't listen or change their behavior but imagine if we just ended this segment with don't yell at your kids okay bye you're.

[Chaz Lewis (Educator/Mister Chaz)]

Gonna be like okay well how do i get them to transition if i don't give you anything else other than yelling is bad then you're not gonna have anything else to do in that.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Moment for one your average toddler doesn't fully grasp the concept of negation yet so when you say don't run in the kitchen what they likely understand from that sentence is run in the kitchen and further research shows telling a kid not to do something is less effective than giving them something to do successfully that's why hey keep the sand in the sandbox is going to be a much better directive than don't throw sand and then when another child comes into that sandbox takes your kid's toy and tiny smacks them in response showing and telling them the right behavior is going to be the best way to correct that wrong move so in that case you'd want to go over and calmly make sure everyone's safe of course create a barrier or some physical distance if you need to want to remind your little one that you're a safe space.

[Lane (Preschool Teacher/Coach)]

I don't let you hurt people's bodies and i don't let people hurt you right that's always going to be the.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

First thing that happens then try to get to the root of the problem without any shame or blame tend to both kids make sure the one that got hit is okay help them both feel understood with tone and touch and eye contact then turn to the one.

[Chaz Lewis (Educator/Mister Chaz)]

Who did the hitting the problem is you don't know how to get your toy you don't know how to ask for a turn or you're having a hard time with it put a hand on the child's back who hit and say you wanted a turn with the.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Toy when they're calm show them what they could have done with both words.

[Chaz Lewis (Educator/Mister Chaz)]

And actions you're gonna just teach them the assertive hand your palm is facing.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

The ceiling teach them how to ask with age appropriate language if they're younger that might be turn please older might be may i please have a turn when you're done then practice those new skills with them right away so next.

[Chaz Lewis (Educator/Mister Chaz)]

Time now you have something else to do to get that toy you right.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Lane says in her opinion this model then practice process is much more effective than just telling your kid to walk over and offer an empty i'm sorry.

[Lane (Preschool Teacher/Coach)]

I'M more modeling empathy for them at that stage than i am trying to require it from them so that when that kind of clicks in they're motivated to be learning social skills they've got that good muscle memory in there for when it clicks like oh because like it hurts me it would hurt you.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Of course these lessons often don't take on the first try we're talking about toddlers after all and enforcing strong loving boundaries will often be required takeaway five want to curb misbehavior mean what you say breathe through the rest so parenting a little human or two is hard enough on a its own there's never a good time for a meltdown or a tantrum but the top of the list in my humble opinion handling a testy toddler in public because we do.

[Parent/Commentator]

This thing that i call out loud parenting we over explain because we want everybody in the vicinity to understand that we're a good parent no no no we don't we don't eat frosted flakes.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

That will stick to your teeth understandable of course but we also always want to do what's best for our kid not parent out of embarrassment or shame so let's talk about options parents are.

[Roger Harrison (Pediatric Psychologist)]

Always managing behaviors you know we get into that target do not embarrass me in the store but i actually want parents to think strategically so consider your.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Environment beforehand and do some contingency planning.

[Roger Harrison (Pediatric Psychologist)]

Whenever possible like let's say we get to the checkout and there's something at the checkout that you really really really want what are some of the things that we can do to like manage.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

That sometimes that prep is enough but as every parent knows sometimes it's really not like the day you go to the grocery store and tiny catches a glimpse of that sugary cereal he had at grandma's house and you just know it is about to go down you say no he says yes it is about to be the power struggle to end all power struggles so jamie says in that moment step one check your fuel tank can you do this right.

[Parent/Commentator]

Now have you worked all day have you been up since three in the morning did you just pick your child up from daycare do you know they're hungry do you have to get this shopping done and you don't have the luxury of leaving when it comes to.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Public misbehavior especially you gotta pick your battles and jamie's expert opinion is it is okay to cave just don't wait.

[Parent/Commentator]

I'M not judging you man open that box of frosted flakes for the kid and put them in the cart like it's not preferred of course but cave early because then you look generous and you haven't taught the kid that it takes three times of yelling you haven't caved after saying no no no yes that's the worst case scenario that tells.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Your toddler your boundary is breakable they just have to push hard enough so when your answer is no it really has to be no and that's where a consequence comes in an appropriate consequence builds safety and trust because it's respectful immediate and logical so calmly name the specific bad behavior give your kid a warning and if they insist take swift and appropriate corrective action i already told you we're not buying that cereal so if you don't put it back i'm gonna put you in the cart because we need to keep it moving and.

[Parent/Commentator]

Get home for dinner you're not leaving your child home from disney like you're not so stop threatening things that you're not gonna do this is how you get like little punk three year olds who think they have this authority because all your child knows is you don't mean it so why should i stop.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

The behavior or if you only follow through sometimes and not others you might create the perfect breeding ground for that thing we all know but have managed to avoid all episode tantrums and to be honest that's because there's not a whole lot i can offer you there.

[Lane (Preschool Teacher/Coach)]

A tantrum kind of needs to happen once it's like really gotten going sometimes we can abbreviate that and that's great but it's gonna happen the advice from.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

All our experts here take deep breaths find a few favorite ways to keep yourself calm and have them ready for those big flare ups one mid tantrum tip i loved came from lane ask yourself what are the actual stakes here.

[Lane (Preschool Teacher/Coach)]

Because it feels like an emergency to the back of your brain immediately especially if you're in public there is not an emergency this is loud this is embarrassing i don't know what to do and that feels scary that's the stakes.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

So as long as you and your little one aren't in immediate physical danger just take your deep breaths get to a more private space if you can and wait for the storm to pass you know when your kid is ready.

[Lane (Preschool Teacher/Coach)]

Usually that's one of those kind of big deep breaths you know like i hear an opportunity there i am to try and help and as soon as i see them engage with my help at all then i'm really there you know like when i see that there's an availability to be helped then i have scooped someone up and we're co.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Regulating and jamie says a little bit of box breathing and some soothing self talk can go a long way too.

[Parent/Commentator]

My kid's just doing what kids do i'm gonna let it ride i'm just gonna be here when they're ready for a hug that's it simple not easy.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Simple not easy true for so much of parenting no so remember in the same way that your toddler is a whole person not just an equation or a silly little robot that constantly needs.

[Lane (Preschool Teacher/Coach)]

Rewiring you're also not mama caregiving robot there's space for you to have needs and for you to need a moment and for you to say wow we haven't been in this circumstance before i'm not sure how we're gonna get there yet babe give me a second.

[Jamie Glacki (Parenting Educator)]

Okay fellow humans let's recap takeaway one fighting toddler feelings is futile you can't reason with someone in a different reality so do your best not to get worked up alongside them and instead try takeaway two getting weird toddlers play with purpose so bypass the power struggles by doing the same infuse a little magic at bedtime eat dinner under the table shake things up and watch the tears disappear takeaway three loss of control can be extra tough for toddlers give them agency where you can and consistent tactile tools to buoy them where you can't takeaway four toddlers are just beginning to develop impulse control so model the prosocial behavior you want to see and when they get something wrong do a little show tell and practice to get that behavior to stick takeaway five appropriate consequences are respectful immediate logical and follow through on that doesn't make them easy so don't forget to cut everybody some slack.

[Marielle Segarra]

That was life kit reporter andy taegle hey have you subscribed to the life kit newsletter yet every friday you'll get even more expert advice on health money and more all curated by the life kit team think of it as a weekly check in from your friends at life kit subscribe at npr dot org lifekitnewsletter this episode of life kit was produced by margaret serino our visuals editor is beck harlan and our digital editor is malika grebe meghan keane is our senior supervising editor and beth donovan is our executive producer our production team also includes claire marie schneider and sylvie douglas engineering support comes from david greenberg and jimmy keeley i'm marielle segarra thanks for listening.

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