← Long Winded with Gabby Windey
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Okay. And welcome back. Did you miss me? I don't care. I don't care. And I don't believe you, actually, because I've learned not to believe what people say. And you don't take that to heart. You just. You just know as it comes in, they have something to say and it's coming into you and it's coming into your ears. You know not to believe it. Not that I can hear any of you. And thank God, because I'm not in the mood to be gaslit. It's so. It's so hot in here. I've been hot. And my landlord wanted to come by and I cannot catch a break. I'm not in the mood for the feds to stop by when I'm not ready. Immediately. When I get a call from my landlord, oh, I know I have to answer because then he's going to leave a voicemail and then I'll have to call him back anyway. Oh, what does he want? I thought he was maybe checking on the trash compactor or. Or all the doors that were broke, but now they're fixed. I just thought he was checking on us. But no, he wants to infiltrate into the garage and look for some important papers and that I understand maybe. And he's. What? What are you supposed to do with him? He's a 93 year old geriatric. He means well and you know, he's quite with it, much to my dismay. I don't want someone checking on me. I don't want Someone coming into the garage and checking on their papers with cigarette butts in the back and roaches that I dare still look through to smoke because I've quit smoking once again, immediately. What comes to my mind? What am I hiding from this authoritative figure who really cannot evict me because it's impossibly hard to evict somebody. But I'm just scared of authority. I'm terrified. Oh, the cat. That's what we're hiding. So I push it off. So I prolong my misery. Some of you are thinking, but I don't think I'm prolonging it. I'm just rescuing scheduling. Okay, In better news this morning, it's the month of gay. It is the month of gay. And we're all here to celebrate. What's your sun sign? Lesbian, I say, what's your moon? A faggot. And do you know you're rising? A flat cracker, I say. And I learned that from Eileen Wuornos or Charles Bukowski, but I think it was Eileen. Anyways, I googled and googled and googled to make sure it wasn't such a slur and it seems fine and we should just bring it back because got some recognition in the 1990s. Maybe by the. Maybe by the famed Eileen Warnoser. Maybe by something else. But I say the 90s is back, baby. And you're a flat cracker. And you're a flat cracker and you're a lesbian. And this is our month. This is our one month because we don't get 11 other months out of the year. We only get one and we have to make the best of it. We have to have colors and floats and parades down the Weho Santa Monica Boulevard every Saturday with loud music and. And shot glass necklaces around our necks to be poured with some kind of a gay alcohol. Because we're all gay. Because everything in June is gay. Because day to day we're gay. It's Tuesday gay, Wednesday gay, next Thursday gay. It's all gay. And so are you and so am I and so is your dad. And that's a fact. I'm not even kidding. I'm not even kidding. It's been proven time and time again. And you know what? For it, it is the gay month in not in just our United States, but maybe around the world. It has something to do with the Stonewall, which I don't know where it happened, I don't know much about. Even though I'm gay, knowing about Stonewall doesn't make me un gay. But did it happen in Berlin or am I thinking of a different wall? I think that was a different wall. But now that we are in the month of gay, I shall talk about all the other zodiac signs of the stars of homosexual. I have them written down. Okay, let's see. Let's see. Okay, okay. Starting with bottom. A bottom is very fun, but not very loyal. Dyke is normally very intense and very serious about lesbian. A wee lezzar is charming and endearing. These are all signs the sign of scissors are known for being expressive in bed, inflexible. Might I add, roommates are the more shy type who likes to keep their life private, especially if they have nieces and nephews. They're at Thanksgiving. No, we're not together. We're just roommates. And we're 55 years old and we've been living together for the last 20 years. But there is no funny business. Now shut up, Johnny, and eat your fucking turkey. Superior. Superior. Superiorities are. They're real go getters with lots of drive. They're success, successful in business. Extreme, extremely well read. They have a great sense of humor and better than most people. The sign of complex can be judgmental of others, but all the while, many of the others envy her. The complex fishy. Fishy is a feminine sign. She has great taste in clothes and makeup and art, revels in being a woman a lot. Jessica Rabbit. Butchers are known for embracing looking like a boy and enjoy the more comfortable clothing of a boxer brief to a thong. Last one of December. Nibblers of the rug is a sign famous being lucky in love. Probably because they know how to give. Okay, and then in honor of Lesbian Month, why don't we. Because there's no National Lesbian Day and we know all the letters of the lgbtq and we are not all one. But they stick us together because we're all the same to them, aren't we? Because we're no different. Oh, you're a homo and of. You're of the. You're of the fluidity of the gender type or at least know something about it. Oh, just throw you into the month of June with all those leftover misogynistic gay men. Not the gay men who listen here, but you know, the one that I'm talking about. Anyways, so I was so. So today. Today is the International day of Lesbian, if I do say so myself. Today and every day. But since we are in the month of June and we're all thrown into the box together, some of my favorite lesbians are my wife Robbie Hoffman, obviously. Timmy Chalamet, Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, Emily Dickinson. They have the same astrological chart. And. And there's lots of similarities. And they're lesbians. Sylvia Plath, Eve Babbitt, Fran Leibowitz, Kate Berlant, Dolly Parton, Alanis Morissette. Chapel. Roan RuPaul, Sonia Morgan, Charlie XCX Me. Sarah Paulson and her wife, Kate McKinnon. And the girl from Seco who always gives us a cigarette, Harmony. She literally just gave us one last night. And it was. It was freshly hand rolled. Because the rule is I cannot buy a pack. That means I've quit. But we can bum. I just need to cut back a little bit and it's fine. I think once they're out of sight, out of mind. I also want to quit smoking weed for a week because I've really been indulging. But what are vices anyways? And will I feel better or will I be bored out of my mind and just need a hit of creativity? It's tough to say. And now from our sponsors, you know these weddings, these bachelorette parties. Can I wear a short dress in high heels to a family wedding or will I be deemed a pervert? Pest. And what about the bachelorette pastels? No prints and absolutely no. So you could spend hundreds of dollars trying to find these things or listen up and rent your clothes from Nuuly for $98. And guess what? It's sustainable. We're renting clothes and giving them back. And let's face it, over your dead body will you ever wear it again because you already got a picture for it in Instagram. So you can skip the X existential guilt and rent from Nuuly already. Nuuly is a great value at $98 a month for any six styles. But right now you can get $28 off your first month. When you sign up with the code. Just go to n u u l y.com and enter gabby at signup to get $28 off your first month. That's n u u l y.com nuuly with two use and code gabby for 28 off your first month at subscription clothing rental. And now a word from our sponsors. You look around and everybody looks amazing with the summer glow and the same kind of a blush. And what about a berry lip liner? It's not random. It's Sephora. Hello. I can't go in. I can't go in without finding something I absolutely need. I don't care how big or small makes me feel good and Sephora is where you can find the newest, hottest drops you won't find anywhere else. And ain't that the truth? Say less. So shop the newest, hottest beauty only at Sephora. Like I said earlier, wouldn't you say that we deserve more than a month? As the homosexuals of this world, we've contributed to a lot of culture, haven't we? They want, they want, they want what we have. Don't we deserve more than a rainbow parade down that aforementioned Santa Monica Boulevard? It's honestly just too hot and too packed to even think about enjoying. We deserve to be recognized every day as people and to be treated as such outside of the months that, that are just designated to us. I want to be celebrated all of the other 11 months. But no, we get one. We get one. And then in everybody who says happy pride, everybody who says, who gives you a sports shirt with instead of the normal initials of the LA Dodger, it's the rainbow L A Dodger. We know who's going to like this one. The gay girl. This is all she's ever wanted is a stamp on her head that says she wouldn't like just a normal jersey because she's gay. So obviously she wants it in a rainbow. I'll never forget, I'll never forget last year my stylist texted me. Oh my God, you're never going to believe Versace gifted you something. My first Versace. My first Versace gift. My first Versace PR gift. And I had a feeling, I had a feeling something was going to go wrong. I had a feeling something wasn't right. Because what does Versace want with me? And I was right. I was right. I saw a sunglass case. I bet your ass, I bet your ass on my grandmother, may she rest in peace that these are going to be a rainbow of a color. Sure enough, I opened them up. They're rainbow Versace glasses. What kind of an outfit is this going to go with? And I'm only allowed to wear them in the month of June. Versace. And some kind of a. And some kind of a shirt that says Versace in rainbow letters. Come on. I would wear a shirt that said Versace if it wasn't in rainbow. Have you looked at what I like to wear? Have you ever really seen me in a bright color? This is a pastel, but we gave it to my future brother in law sister. And you know what? She loves them. So one man's trash is another's treasure. So one homosexuals trash is another's treasure. So thanks Versace for Nothing. I mean, maybe. Maybe I'm being ungrateful. Maybe I should just be grateful for. For what we have. Because can you imagine? Can you imagine? We only got one day of being gay. International Gay Day International. You're gay and you get one day like, just like the National Hot Dog Day or the National Pilates Day. Nothing. You want to kill yourself more than having a National day because you only have one thing to live for on that day. And it's supposed to make you happy. Why do we need a National Pilates day? This isn't going to affect my life. This isn't going to affect my free will. We're turning every kind of a white girl exercise into a day. I'm not going to do Pilates on Pilates Day. Yes, I did, but it was by accident. I didn't even know it's Pilates Day. I didn't even get a discount on my own day. I'm not going to act any different on Pilates Day. I'm not going to talk about the Blue Spring or the reformer or some kind of a mermaid crunch on the day because it's a designated day. Pilates Day does not make a difference in my life. In fact, like I said, it makes me morose. It makes me sad because we have nothing else to live for on that day but Pilates. Let's celebrate the day. You are given one measly wipe to wipe down all the tools you use today. So it's your. This. What do you call those? The hand straps. It's the bench. It's the yoga mat. It's the gray ball. It's. It's everything. It's the box. This is performative. No, germs are being killed and you know it. But did we. Did we set us up for failure by deeming the month simply pride, as Bill Clinton did in just 1999? Maybe that's where Prince got his lyrics. I mean, we know he's a three dollar bill. Party like it's 1999. Finally we have a Pride Month party like It's June of 1999. If Prince was still alive, you know, he would be doing the floats. Bill Clinton just did it to get us to shut up. But why can't we? Why is it called Pride Month? What about Gay History Month? Tell it what it is. Say it like it is. Maybe we'll take July too, because this month is just about being proud. But the ones in the closet, they don't even get to be proud because they're scared. So maybe we need a Whole history about it, but it's too controversial. There's just too much to be known. Because. Because if they taught us about gay history in elementary school, we would all be gay. Just like we're all gay right now in this instant. Because we're all gay on the inside and we all want to be gay on the outside. Boys with boys and girls with girls. I've said it before, it just makes too much sense. And it would all make sense in gay history class after algebra 2. Abraham Lincoln did have a wife because of the social norms at that time, but it was an arranged marriage. She was his first cousin, who was actually his sister because his aunt couldn't have kids and his mom didn't want the sister, so his mom gave away the sister and the aunt adopted her. So he thinks it's his first cousin, but really it's his sister. And then the aunt and the mom schemed and made them marry each other because the mom actually regarded it and then wanted the sister back. So now she has her. Now she has her and they're married. And it's beyond incestual. And they have no idea. Because the first cousin would really be acceptable. Probably even in Louisiana's Times Today in 2026. But. But as we know, Abe Lincoln had thoughts about other men in the UN meetings. Wow. The president of Panama, the most southern country in Central America. I learned that on the New York Times crossword. He really does it for me. Look at his gorgeous skin. Look at the way he carries himself. Look at the way he speaks Panamanian. And if I could just go back and tell Abe Lincoln it's okay to have feelings for Panama. Just. If I could ask you one thing. Break it off with your sister cousin first, and then. Cause we don't want to cheat. We're just so sick of cheating around here. And that's what men in the culture closet do outside the closet. Just don't do it. And then you can feel free to love the one year with the president of Panama. And then after learning this in gay history class, all the little boys and girls would also want to be gay because Abraham Lincoln is gay. I don't think that's brainwashing. I don't think so. I think it's just giving information, you know? But we're so afraid to talk about sexuality. Well, we don't actually have to talk about it and say what being a homosexual is, but we can be honest. And when we're Talking about the 16th president who freed the slaves and was also a bisexual, I think that's still very important to take into consideration. But then Pride Month couldn't be in June because school's out of session. So we would have to change it. The Pride, the Gay History Month would have to be sometime in the fall. So let me try reach out to the governmental coordinator of the National Pilates Day Day and so forth so we can get this on the books. And I will also have a discussion with them about National Pilates Day. I don't know who paid them, but it's time. It's time to take it down because we've gone too far. This is for nobody. And of course the bride parade is a great hometown event. We look forward to it. We look forward to celebrating our history. But that's what we say. But it's actually Gay History Month, so you have to kind of search for that reasoning. But I have to be honest, lesbians don't honestly do hometown events. We're at home. There's a spectrum, of course, just like the Kinsley scale that we're all a part of. But I would say mostly we're inside. And it is true. We're inside with our cats and our growing library of classics. We're inside from our nightgown from the night before. It's pink and it's very comfortable. Shout out to Macy who gets me the best nightgowns whenever she's thrifting. And I use them. And I'm in the bed with my nightgown on this Amazon platform thing that has risen to at least 20 inches and it is much too high, but it is very comfortable. And you feel like the pee of a rescued princess by your homosexual wife of a lover. And then this year doing an interview with your so called white or your as she is your wife and she rescued you. That's what I was saying. Has bogarted your whole fucking house. They've moved every single piece of furniture around. The carpet is in shambles. They make a studio out of your house with a backdrop that could have been done in a real studio. But they want to spend time some six hours in your house. So you have to stay in your bedroom in the nightgown atop the peabed and sneak outside of the side guest room patio to smoke a joint and try and get a peek of your baby. There was no peaks allowed because there were shades covering everything. Why don't you take yourself to a dark studio? I come in here to my place of work. It's awry. It is awry. My lights are too low, my cameras Are moved. There's leaves everywhere. Someone forgot a leather pouch of something. What are they doing in my place of work, my studio? I've had it. I've had it. And of course, the men. Of course. Of course. It was a group of men. They're doing the best they can. I understand. This is their job. They're just doing what they are told. They attempt this. This I witnessed with my own eyes. You. You might not believe it, but this. And I'm never around men. And all of a sudden, there 10 of them in my home. And I didn't know what to do but to get high. And I swear, and I swear to you, they put everything back maybe a little off center. And they did not know how to vacuum, these men. They said, we tried. Robbie said, how did the vacuum work out for you? I looked. I looked at the carpet. It hasn't been vacuumed at all. There's sprinkles here, sprinkles there. There's no line of the vacuum. I want a mo line, like a freshly mowed football field of the Denver Broncos. That's what it looks like after I vacuum. That's the whole point of vacuuming, is so you can see the goddamn lines. I want to see the lines. There was no lines. He did his best. Oh, I couldn't find the trash. I think it needs to be emptied. No, you didn't have it on the right setting. You had it because you don't know. You've never worked a vacuum before and you don't know there's two settings. One for the hard floor, one for the carpet. You put it on the carpet and it's. The motor's so. The motor's so strong, and it takes you along and you're chasing the vacuum cleaner and you know what it's doing. It's leaving a mo line. He couldn't figure this out. And he was sweet. He was sweet. He meant well. Could I ever live with a man who puts the vacuum on setting one instead of setting two? No. Because I would have to redo his vacuum every time. Even after I criticized him, even after I told him to change the setting to. To twice. Thrice, four, thrice. He wouldn't. He wouldn't. He wouldn't change his habits. And that's. That's why we're here celebrating pride in the month of June right now. Because I'm gay. So as a lesbian, if you're not hiding from high in your bed, in your nightgown at 3pm the next day, you know you're watching documentaries again inside about. About trans men who were exiled from their communities or outright killed. I'm sure you guys have seen or heard of. I mean, I think I. On to be. It's probably on to be because to be, let me tell you, is very gay friendly. You know how much I love to be. Ugh. There's two. I think I told you about the first one, which was like, literally one of the first documentaries of a trans man. And he, like, moved to a remote county just so he could live comfortably as a man. And then he had a girlfriend. They were in love. And then I think he died of cancer. It was really sad. But what was the other one? This young trans man who was murdered brutally. I know you guys know who I'm talking about. Oh, It's the inspiration for Boys Don't Cry, which I haven't seen. Story that inspired Boys Don't Cry. Brandon, Tina. Oh, you guys, it's really terrible, but. But I recommend you on this month of Pride and Gay History that you watch it. It's just. It's just really devastating. It's so sad that this, you know, is what. This is what gay people are exposed to. It's actually. It's just so sad. It wasn't even that long ago he. They killed him in 93. Oh, God. It makes you want to throw up. Now, a word from our sponsors. Have you had a BlackBerry recently? I mean, it. Have you? I bet you haven't even. But they're in season. And they're ripe for bursting in your mouth and coloring those teeth blue or purple. But it's summertime. Summer, summer, summer. And berries, among other things, are in season. And then you can mix them together to make an obscure salad on the side of a summer turkey burger fresh off the grill. I'm salivating. And with Instacart, you can make summer meal prep easy. Say less. I love an Instacart. And they're so timely. And they have great communication like you wish your boyfriend had. They'll tell you if that kettle corn you wanted is out of stock and give you replacement options. Instacart brings convenience, quality and ease right to your door so you can focus on what matters. Download the Instacart app now and get groceries just how you like. And now, from our sponsors, you know these weddings, these bachelorette parties. Can I wear a short dress in high heels to a family wedding, or will I be deemed a pervert? Pest. And what about the bachelorette pastels? No prints and absolutely no so you could spend Hundreds of dollars trying to find these things. Or listen up and rent your clothes from Nuuly for $98. And guess what? It's sustainable. We're renting clothes and giving them back. And let's face it, over your dead body will you ever wear it again because you already got a picture for it in Instagram. So you can skip the extra existential guilt in rent from Nuuly already. Nuuly is a great value at $98 a month for any six styles. But right now you can get $28 off your first month when you sign up with the code just go to N uu l y.com and enter gabby at signup to get $28 off your first month. That's n u u l y.com nuuly with two use and code gabby for 28 subscription clothing rental. So back to the lesbians being inside and I have to stop talking about this already. I'm getting on my own nerves. Where? Where? Hanging out with the cat. We're watching documentaries. We're hiding from. There's drawers of an array of vibrators. I just found a new one in the sink. I was like where did this come from? I don't know. I, I I, I'm not sure. But that's at least, that's at least the 15th one we have in our basket. I'm going to have to upsize the basket soon. And there's various kinds of lube, there's different strap ons of different sizes and different colors with different harnesses. This is what lesbians are doing. We're organizing our vibrator basket. We're not going outside. We don't like to be exposed to the sun. We don't like skin cancer and we appreciate the natural palor of a, of any kind of a skin. So we have one day the lesbians and we have one day to celebrate and that is called a Dyke Day. We get one day out of this proud month and we go with sparkling sodas, Topo Chico lime because it has the best bubbles. And a lot of us are California sober. And if you're not California sober because a lot of us aren't California sober then there will be a natural wine sans sulfate, sans pesticides. Un Allah. The strawberries that are rinsed with 301 pesticides in their little strawberry factory and giving us all cancer under the guise of being organic. Did the USDA or whatever the sign off on this? Who can we trust? Who can we trust if our strawberries are trying to kill Us, anyways, we go with the homemade charcuterie board to dike day. There's different cheeses. Most importantly, there's a burrata. That's my favorite. There's those little slices of bread that I don't even know where you get. And you. And we have good conversation. We're sitting down and we're talking to each other, and we immediately start talking about maybe the problems in our own relationships where they're sitting down with a couple friends and we really get into it. Where did I end up? Some kind of a group therapy. What is rupture and repair? I don't think the men are doing this. I don't think anytime I've gone to a picnic. I never went to a Dyke Day with a man, but I'm sure he wanted to because he's sick and wanted to hit on all the lesbians. But we've never talked about the intricacies of our relationship in the presence of another couple. We're not talking about rupture and repair. You fight and then you get back together. And it makes you stronger. And you fight and you get back together. It's all rupture. Rupture and repair. Let's talk about it. This is what we're talking about in the month of June at the park. But one day on the dyke of a day. So this is. This is really what lesbians talk about, is how to make your relationship successful. We're obsessed with each other and being in love, like that's a crime. And we also. We also talk about. It's us against the problem, Gabby. It is us against. Now, that's a tough one. Now that's a tough one to get behind. Cause we forget and we forget and we forget that the problem is out there. Not between you and I. Cause I wanna be right. And I want you to be wrong, actually. And you wanna be right and you want me to be wrong. Even though you. I see it in your eyes. You wish I was wrong. You wish it. But I'm always right. And what's so wrong with that, huh? It's innate. It's just how we feel. It's only human. It's just like being gay. It's just like deserving health insurance. We are people. We are human. So what? I want to be right. Burn me on the cross already. Emollate. I think I'm thinking of a different word. But we are supposed to stand by each other. This is what they, you know, us against the problem. The problem is over there. So we stand by Each other. There's no competition here. There's only love. The problem is over there. The problem is a landlord coming by for an hour to search for important papers. Well, how long have they been in this dusty crusty cabinet? And what side is it on? Because Robbie has a flat tire. I can't move her car and mine is covered and my hand dyed curtain. So which one are you going to go for? But. But I'm not going to get mad at Robbie on that because. Because it's us against the problem. But before I might have blamed her. Why would you let him in? Why would you say. But she's not home. So it's really only my. My. It's only. It's only my fault. But. And love is not a feeling. They say it's not a feeling. It's a choice. You have to wake up every day and make the choice. Us against the problem is a choice. Rupture and repair is a choice. Waking up a day before your period and your personality, your personality has changed into something of an. An irritable cunt. But you do not act out on this because it is a choice. Not being an irritable cunt, but to act on it to your loved one. And if you do act on it, that's okay. Because we're human. And that is not a choice. So happy pride. Happy bride. Happy bride to the gays and the lesbians and the. They. The queers and the homos and the faggots and the Hayes and your dad and your mom probably like service friend and your boyfriend is about to come on out after you see what's in his hidden camera roll. Like I said, you know, we're all just. We're all just human at the end of the day. And being a human is deserving of health insurance. Fuck being gay. I just want health insurance. I've been screaming and. And even as, you know, a privileged person, I can say it, a money or a person who makes a decent amount of money now who has given SAG a ton of money. I'm always getting hit with a bill that I'm like, didn't I just pay you? But they bill you on every single project there is. And. And they already pilfered $5,000 from me to sign up. To sign up? What do you mean? I hate this. It's like signing up for a gym and they charge you a signing on fee. What this is for Rod, this is health insurance, not Equinox. Just enact my health insurance. It's not even for free. I've already paid you so much money on every single project. Where is this money going? Because it's not going into my health insurance pocket. You won't even let me have any health insurance. Zag is keeping it for his back pocket. He wants one of those new ugly Ferraris. And he has five girlfriends to pay for their rent on my dime. And he wants to buy himself a new video game. That. That's umpteen thousand dollars because it's VR and he's a freak and plays video games while jerking off and thinking about the money he's gonna make off of me. And then he's gotta. He's gotta pay for one of these girls abortions at the five that of the five that he's paying the rent for. But she wants to keep it. Papa, don't preach. I'm in trouble deep. Papa, don't preach. I mean, she's keeping her baby and she's chargin child support because she deserves to. You don't get to tell a woman what to do with her body because you're stealing money from me and the SAG department. I call SAG Health Insurance in December of 2025. Please, please, please. I need health insurance. I think I'm eligible. But you're. But your website is impossible to navigate. And this is how you deter the people from getting health insurance in the first place. I am on to you. I want you. You're not escaping me. You're giving me the run around. And guess what? I'm chasing you in that circle. Duck, duck. Go. I'm right behind you. They tell me to call the SAG health number, which I cannot find. So I have to call the SAG regular people, which I will say normally have phenomenal customer service, but not by after. I cannot sign up for the health insurance website. What is the matter? I can't get anywhere. They tell me to go into the health insurance website to sign up. I can't get through. They can't recognize my Social Security number. They can't recognize my SAG number. What the fuck? No. You don't exist. They tell me. They look at me straight in the face and see through me. You are invisible and you do not exist. A punch to the gut, a twist of the knife. I've already been telling myself that. Now you as an organization are telling me that too. So I continue to be on the phone with Sag Jr. The one with phenomenal health insurance. The one that's just sag, not the health care. But for some reason they've taken it upon themselves to try and help me, even though they can't. So they say, I can't help you here, but call this number and they will take care of you and set you up. Because I do not have the resources and I just wasted your time. So I get transferred to the SAG senior, the real leader of the coup, the real leader of what is called the opposite Day coup, where the government of Hollywood continues to overthrow its constituents. Okay, SAG sr. Yes, I would like my health insurance now. Ah, yes, yes, I see here you've qualified. You've qualified for quite a long time. You've really been giving us your money. You've been paying your dues, paying your dues. And we've been taking and taken and taken and taken and stealing your money. But ah, here, here it is. It's not. Open enrollment. Open enrollment. Open enrollment. Open enrollment. Open enrollment. Plaque psoriasis. Open enrollment. Please, sag, give me the health insurance. I deserve it. I've. You have all of my money. I am a person. I just want health insurance now. I'm ready to have it. I haven't had it. And I would like to use the benefit that is mine to see a doctor if I want to. Yes, you can get on it. And open enrollment. They continue to say, and why does one have to wait until it's open? Why can I not have insurance at any point in time? And they're like, you can have insurance if there's a life event. You got married? I got married. And the last two months they say any kind of a life event. You moved to the state? I moved to the state. It doesn't work like that. Any kind of life event. There was a death. My dog almost died three times. If you sign. Well, because now I'm with California covered. There's no other option because I need health insurance. Because I'm going under a procedure July 1st for my lipedema and it would behoove me to get there with some health insurance. So I had to go to color. It was so easy. And it's not open enrollment, whatever quote unquote for covered California, even though they have it. You literally just click a button on a life event and they don't question you, they just give it to you. Yes, yes. It's an arm and a leg and a lot of people can't afford it. But why is SAG giving me the run around? Health care is a right, not a privilege. We know this. So give it to me. For fuck's sake. For fuck's sake. Before I tell your mother how you've been acting to me, how you've been treating me.
- [42:40]
B
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- [43:15]
A
I went through all those hoops and I know I'm beyond eligible and I just simply want it now because I didn't want to pay for it before, but I've been waiting for this open enrollment that I thought was in June. So I call on Monday, June 1st. I'm ready for my health insurance. And I'm navigating that awful. That God awful website again. Enroll, enroll, enroll. It doesn't hyperlink me. I cannot enroll. I cannot pay my premium again. Me. I'm on the phone with Zag holding my computer in my nightgown is coming in. I'm on the verge of tears. Who are these people? Who am I on the phone with with? No, she says to me, you cannot have health insurance until October of this year. But nobody even notified me when I was eligible for insurance in the first place, which was October two years ago. So I should have already been on it. So really it's your fault, but you gatekeep it and keep it a secret because you don't want to pay for another person's health insurance. I want health care now. We tried after we were married, they said no. I tried to get on Robbie's WGA insurance, they said no. Robbie tried up to sign up for sag. They said no, no, no, no, no, no. Why? Why? And. And you have to report your marriage within 60 days so you can get on their health insurance. Oh, so you want me to feign love under the guise of stealing their insurance? Don't you think it's a bit early? Don't you think it's a quick timeline to be bringing up something so delicate? Oh, here's your marriage certificate. When can I get on your insurance? I don't think so. I think it would have to wait a little longer than two months. But I do want the Finicia foam, which is $450 without insurance and is a magic all healer azelic acid. And I do need it. I need Your insurance, baby. Because I also need the brand name Nardo because it works better than the generic, they say. And that's all I really need because lamictals cheap. I've been buying this without insured. But like with a good Rx, honestly, why does anyone. I'm only getting insurance because I'm. I'm having a procedure because it's cheaper not to have insurance. Pay for your prescriptions with a good Rx and go to an urgent care, which you have to pay a copay anyway for than paying 3, $400 a month, which is way over the copay of an urgent care and over what you would pay for. For meds. And this is how they win. But they don't even want my money. It's crazy. And I will. Once I get on that insurance, I will blow up every specialty there is. An ear, nose and throat. Oh yeah, a pap smear. You know what? A dermatologist to check my moles and mole map them. Yes. I don't want any carcinoma around here. I'm half Mexican. Sure, I'm close to the equator, but my dad had some on his arm and I'm not trying to be like him. A carpal tunnel specialist for my right wrist that's been overworked by trying to write this book, and I am still stuck on one essay. When will I get through it? Maybe an autoimmune specialist for my lipedema for my ANA was positive. Maybe a podiatrist for monthly foot rubs. But you are withholding this from me because. Because you don't want me to be healthy and happy. Just give me the. The financial foam so I continue to lament, to sag. It's just so incredibly frustrating that I've already given you so much money. Look at my. Look at my portfolio. Look at my portfolio. Look at how much money I've given you and have qual for over a year. But by some arbitrary rule, I have to wait until open enrollment. I said. And she goes, it's government law. Whose side are you on, lady? It's arbitrary. By the government. Now why are you working for the government? Why do you care about the corruption of health care over me? And I told her. And I told her, I'm so sorry. I'm not trying to shoot the messenger at all. I'm sorry. You got me at this point. I know it's not your faul. I know she's trying to do your job, but I don't know who else to talk to about being denied health insurance so many times for no reason. But unfortunately, she's of the type that has been brainwashed into thinking her job matters. And then she tried to do me one last favor. I said, who can I email? Who can I talk to? She said the best way is to send a message. So if you go to the right hand corner and you click the. I know how to send a message. I know how to send a message. I am tech savvy. I've been sending messages my whole life. So thank you. Thank you for nothing. And you know what I did without health insurance, which I don't recommend, which I don't recommend to any of you. But I, being a brave one, I ventured to South Carolina. Or maybe it was North Carolina, I cannot tell the difference of the Carolinas. And I went there without health insurance. Nonetheless, it could have ended very poorly for I don't know what this city is. Charleston, a quaint southern town. Maybe on the outside, but something is different. Something is different in the air here. No, I'm not talking about the severe mugging, but I will get to that. It's as if the Gamma Gamma Gamma Kappa of sororities have gentrified this whole thing. We are in the South. Am I wrong? You look around, you can't tell, but we know the history of the South. There is where the Civil War started. There were where the slaves were buried not that many generations ago. And you look around, where are their kins? And nowhere around here. Everyone's white. Huh? What was in. What was in that sorority of the Theta Alpha Beta that they vomited everywhere? It was bleach. It was bleach. They whitewashed it all. There's no people of color. The only color on a layer of skin came from a spray tan and maybe the plethora of UV rays from a working boat docker who works out in the murky waters of whatever is around the Charleston port. In the Charleston port I went and we got on a little lily pad and I stuck my toes in that murky mystery sand, hoping to get stung by a stingray and putting me out of my misery. That is Lipedema. I like my friends, but these various sororities, they've sprayed their scent like a frightened skunk when Nardo comes up to them. And every local shop they spray where I'm supposed to be getting a souvenir. Can I get a regular souvenir to bring home to my baby? And I came home empty handed because Robbie would further cut her bun off than wear a. A crew neck that's baby gray with the acronym CHS on it and some kind of an upholstered paisley. And to be honest, the mugs weren't very good either. So I came home empty handed. No souvenirs for you, you or you. I'll never remember this trip besides all the pictures and the memories I have. And then. And then the heat. The weather is stifling. It sucks it right out of you. The heat sucks the O2 right out of your mouth before it even gets to your lungs. It's like a Dyson. That worker didn't know how to work. Maybe if he like you would still have air if he was working. The humidity in the weather of South Carolina. But no such luck. And with this humidity and moisture, you spread your legs and it's an interesting subtle whiff that you know is not from lack of showering because you've been showering twice a day every day because you have to reapply your makeup and. And clean your butt crack. How do people survive in the Carolina? And there was not one pool in sight. Nope. I never saw a pool. We did about four square blocks but I never saw a pool or a body of water other than the murk of where I put my toes. There is no respite. And you will not be surprised but as stifling the weather are the men. They suffocate you with their oppressiveness by way of talking to you so much. These men, they're really coming up and talking to you unsolicited. I've never seen so many men come up up with some kind of a corny joke that is seemingly innocent, but it's under the pretext of rape. They come up to you at dinner, say kind of say some kind of terrible line. And all behind their eyes, behind their cornea, behind their retina is a vision of them penetrating you. So one comes up to us at dinner, interrupting our dinner and says a good luck at the beauty pageant where a bunch of late 20s, early 30 year olds at the beauty pageant. The beauty pageant is for young girls. And you know that. And this is what. This is what you see when you see a group of women are young girls. Sound the alarm. Ding ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding ding ding ding. We've got a pedophile on our hands. What's the number to the FBI? I have cracked the JonBenet Ramsey case. It's this fucker who came up to us at. Darling, that's what it was. We're sitting down and he's standing over us already. A position of power. Get away from me. He just approached Table 12 as if any of us wanted to talk to him and admitted he is a pedophile and a murderer. Just by talking to us, we were able to see through him and knew that he murdered the young child JonBenet Ramsey because he has a proclivity for a beauty pageant. Who is even thinking of these things? And the girls say, oh, he's just being nice. He's a dad. If he's a dad, he should stay far, far, far away from a table that looks like girls going to a beauty pageant. Am I not wrong? Am I not wrong? Am I wrong or am I right? He makes my skin crawl. And then there was another. And then there was another. And then there was another. But then there was another. And then the next one had real audacity. Our reservation is at 7 at a nice French restaurant down the street somewhere called Felix. I really recommend you go. I had a great steak frites in a French 75 with top shelf gin. They made it just how I like it. Not too sweet. I open the door in my miniskirt in corset. I barely get the door open and a man shakes my hand and says, welcome to Felix. And I didn't like his hand. It was a fat. It was really fat. And the second I put my hand in his hand, I knew I'd been duped. I know I'd been tricked. And I'm not one for trickery. For all the men in South Carolina dress like they are managers of a sort. But I knew. I knew right after I touched his hot dog fat finger that he was a fraud. And I immediately went to sanitize my hands. He is disgusting. But there is but one man in Charleston that saved our trip. Strip the man of Stripper Mike. Stripper Mike informed us that Mike was his fake name as we may not have already assumed. But Mike, if I may say, was something else. His outfit was stolen from something of a boar rat. Like a wrestling one piece that goes like this over the shoulders and a string bikini up the ass crack in the back. I may have seen his asshole many numerous times. He said, if you would like to see his dick, you can take it out, but he will not put it back in as part of the rules. Okay, understood. Who knows if this is a normal experience of a stripper stripper in the home for this is my first time. He would flip you upside down and around and take your two legs and log reel you in a fast forward motion. And you didn't Know what hit hit you, you're whiplashed. Then he asks if he can lick your butt cheeks. And then he asked if you can. If he can lick your crack. And you say yes, even though you're stone cold sober because you don't want to be a party pooper. And when in Rome. And he would take breaks, often leaning on the counter while subtly shaking his hips. To and fro and to and fro, very slow. This is where he caught his breath. And to and fro and to and fro. And then he would do the around the world with his hips and he would go and forward, side, back, side, forward, side, back. Very slow, very intimate. He was catching his breath. And then. And then it was my turn for a tease. And I slapped each of his cheeks like I was playing the bongo drum for the first time. And you bet he took out his dick and tucked it from the front to the back so I could see that thing right between his inner thighs of stone. I saw. I went right behind and he squeezed it as if to cut off circulation. And I pointed at it and I screamed when I gave him the $1 bills. And I said, take my money, take my money, take my money. And Charleston, if I may, has one other redemption besides that of Mike. The girls, all of the girlies were so nice to me. And I tell you, I couldn't come go anywhere. And you know I love attention. Are you Gabby Wendy here? And is that Gabby Wendy there? And will you take a picture of me? Does a bear shit in the woods? Of course. Take my picture. I love the type of fame that I am, which is a mediocrity. And then there was a really nice bartender at the bar we did our nightcaps at, and she made the best French 70 fives in the whole world with the toppest of the shelfest of the gin. And I would wait for her and wait for her even she was at the other side of the bar. Because the man, bartender, obviously the man slash the boy, literally said no to every drink I ordered that can I get the lime spritz with gin? And said no. He told me, literally, what? The customer is always right. No. Can I get a gin fizz? No, I don't really know what it is, but I was looking for a gin drink. Can I, for fuck's sake, get this mocktail with gin in it? I guess, he says. I take a look and pass it around and there is no gin to be found. But dare I say, it was the time of my life. Happy bride you gay fucks. I'll see you next week.
- [59:34]
B
Still figuring out Father's Day? We can arrange that. Skip the tie. Skip the last minute panic. With Edible, it's easy to send a gift dad will actually want. Order online in just a few clicks and choose delivery or easy in store pickup. From fresh fruit arrangements to chocolate dipped strawberries and decadent treats, Edible makes it simple to celebrate dad with something fresh, delicious and beautifully made. This Father's Day, skip the scramble, send a gift that feels special and let Edible help make it all come together.
- [60:05]
A
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