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The following podcast is a Dear Media production. And you know why you're here, so let's just get to it. Welcome to another episode of Long Winder. I'm your host. I'm your host. It's about 8:30 in the morning because I have a big flight coming up and I just smoked a pre podcast ritual cigarette first thing when I woke up. So now I have a good head buzz and I'm ready to get to it. I made myself a cup of coffee in an I Love NY mug. Oh. Oh, what a contradiction. Oh, isn't that false? Oh, it should be a broken heart. I don't love ny. You guys know how I feel about New York. I don't love N. Why? No, because it's too exciting. There's too much going on. And then you have the dreaded FOMO just by. Just by being alive, knowing that the streets are hustling and bustling behind you and you're riding like a corpse upstairs in your 33 square foot apartment. And it's like, you know, you'd say, oh, but I like the people. I like the people. Yeah, because each and every one of them are on some form of an amphetamine, prescriptive or otherwise. Otherwise being a Celsius, I count that as meth in its purest form. So it's not fit for a girl like me. But I have to go nonetheless, because I'm a businesswoman. I'm wearing this, you'll see. And I have my Crocs on. These Crocs were given to me by Dear Media. And as I opened up the package, I'm like, I wish you would have given me the 50 extra dollars that it cost to make these into my paycheck, because that's where it's coming out of. And I haven't taken them off since. And then I thought to myself, should I just wear these to the airport? And then I'll have them when I'm in New York, walking around, walking around, upstairs to support my feet. Upstairs in the shoebox of a hotel room. And then I was thinking, I won't be doing any walking. There's not enough space. No, I might as well crawl because you don't have to get anywhere fast in that tiny home of a hotel room. So I'm going to leave them behind, regrettably. And here we are. But one exciting thing that we have to look forward to in the New York scene is Robbie got a packer. Robbie got a new packer and we're gonna try it out. It's the little things. It's the little things for all of you, for all of the straights who listen. And thank God you're out there because I need every listen I can get. But I understand you're not so in the culture, you're not so in the know of what the lesbians are up to and it might scare you a little. And don't say I didn't warn you. But you didn't come here to be safe. You didn't come here to be in an echo chamber. You came here to learn about the various forms of strap ons. That's right. You know, we like our strap ons. Real, very realistic. The closer it looks to your boyfriends or ex boyfriends or no boyfriends, little dickie, the better. It's a bulge of sorts. It's not erect. It's a bulge that looks like said whatever boyfriend's flaccid dick. That's what you would know because it's never been hard around you because he's gay. So. So it's a little bulge that you can put on your pants without said dick. You don't have the anatomy for it, Robbie. But it works for us because we both have a little something going on. She obviously has no titties. I'm used to engaging in pre penetration with the XY chromosome. Unfortunately, this is my history. It's what we both know. So you put it in your pants and now you have a pee pee. The penis of sorts. And it gets me excited because there's a little. There's a little lump in her pants so I can rub up on it. It gives her sort of confidence. So maybe, maybe we go to the Cubby Hole, our favorite lesbian bar in New York, and maybe we bump and grind and really have a time of it. So that's what I have to look forward to the most, is a silicone made flaccid dick with a pair of balls attached. Some don't opt for the balls, some don't like the balls. Oh, it grosses me out. Well, I'm here for the anatomical accuracy of what you might see irl. Because it's not the actual appendage that makes me want to retch, it's what's attached to it. The brain. The meaning behind it. Or should I say the lack of a brain. The lack of the. That really, I cannot stand the dick on its own. Totally fine. Attached to my girlfriend. Even better. Yes. This is gonna. This is gonna throw you for a loop. But this is sexuality. And we're Having fun, exploring. And this is what the lesbians are up to. This is why we're so pretentious, because there's a workaround, because we know how to work around everything. So that's what I'm most excited for. And then everything else, not so much. Let me take a sip. Let me get. Let me get a little caffeinated for you so I can really pop off in a way that you will not expect. Okay. And you know what? You know what? You'll never get a noise complaint if you have good taste in music, which is why nobody's complained on me. I have two of the best speakers you could ever ask for. Blasting. Blasting at all hours of the day. Sometimes it's the only way to make me feel alive. They say. They say, you know, for the depressos, we have it rough out here. I'm always looking for a hit of dopamine. I'm trying to lay off the weed. Unfortunately, sometimes it's the only thing that can bring me joy. Because you get. You get on the first hit, there's the dopamine, I feel alive. An hour later, you're back to where you started wanting to Sylvia Plath yourself. Anyways, so dancing. I feel like if you can get in the mood, if you can play some good music and do a little jig, it's also some dopamine. Maybe it's a little hack, because I did. Sometimes I'm like, ugh, am I too cynical? Am I riddled in cynicism? But that's what you come here. That's what you come here for. So I can't change who I am today, but maybe I can give you a little bit of inspiration. And listen up, because you're not going to get it again. This is the one and the only time I'm going to help you feel good about yourself, because I want you to feel like me down in the dumps. But I'll give you this. I'll give you this. Gabapentin changed my life. Because before, when really I was down bad with the depression like you've never seen before, you know, I had a life. Nobody could tell. That's the problem. We never knew she was depressed. She was so happy. And then she jumped off her third story building only to leave her with a brain injury. She didn't even get lucky enough to die. So Gabapentin has really helped with the anxiety. So I can at least leave the house and have a conversation without wanting to crawl under a rock, without reinstating my agoraphobia so now, and now my interactions can be pleasant. So here's. Here's hope is. What I'm trying to say is maybe don't lose all hope because it will get better. You just have to give it time. Whether it's medication, time heals all. Then I was thinking, what did get me through those years without medication of being massively, clinically, derangedly depressed? It wasn't a hike. Everyone's like, go outside, go in nature. No, that made me feel worse. But it was the little things. A friend with a dinner, a dinner with a friend who could make you laugh over a dumpling that could get me through until the next day. A co worker that you like to talk shit with that'll last you at least the 12 hours that you're grinding away looking at any other job on LinkedIn to get you out of that hellhole. There's hope. And another thing that, you know, another thing that was a gabapentin of sorts, that I didn't make the plunge until too late was a new couch. A new plush, fluffy couch from American Furniture, about five to six hundred dollars. I did it too late because I could not afford it and I didn't make it a priority to save the money to go through, to save the money to go buy a new couch. I already had a couch, but the couch was leather. It wasn't as comfortable. I couldn't really get cozy while I was watching, while I was escaping from my life, watching the first, second, third season of Game of Thrones. And then I stopped after what's His Nuts was killed off. Robb Stark. He was the only thing that kept me going. Why do you have to die like that? But then I got a new couch that I could lay on like a cat, spread my scent all over, rub up on it and really be comfortable. I'd drape myself on every arm, on every cushion. And I liked seeing. I liked seeing something that I had worked for in my living room, knowing that it was comfy as hell. I could take naps while the sun came in. That's what kind of vitamin D I would like from the inside. Then I could find a new show. I could enjoy a movie for once in my life. So that is something also that you could think about if you can afford. If not, look for a really plush couch on Facebook. Marketplace. So that is my. That is your little dose of dopamine today. That's just a little. I hate to give advice. I hate it unsolicited. No way. Who gives a. What I say or what? I think you gotta figure it out on your own. But I could help lead you in the right direction. You know, Robbie and I like to get down. We like to boink, we like to bang. We're always talking about our strap ons. Her new packer. Maybe a little role play. We'll do anything to really spice things up. A new vibrator. We'll do it all. Try anything once and if we like it twice. So who says long term relationships have to be predictable? Aria turns been there, done that into whoa, let's do that again. I'd love to introduce you to Aria, a service for couples that makes it easy to break out of routine, deepen emotional connection, and energize their relationship with curated experiences called scenes. 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Make every date night Valentine's Day with Aria by your side. Visit A r y a dot FYI and use code GABBYWINDY for 15 off today. A couch from American Furniture mixed with a gabapentin. It worked for me. It's not for everybody. My blood pressure is in the. It's very low. What could. I'll take it. I'll take it. Because who are you with a high blood pressure inside the same person. Whatever. That didn't hit like I wanted it to. Okay. And then. Yeah, and then. You know what? Back to the music taste. I've never had a noise complain on me when I'm trying to get a hit of dopamine shaking my ass on the fridge. And I'll drop it down, and I'll drop it down and I'll shimmy and I'll. And a head whip. Because hairography is my favorite part of Dancing. I'll cut a rug on the jute waiting for my tortellinis to be boiled. So I need a quick dinner because I'm depressed. To further back up this point that you will never get a noise complaint if you have good music taste is there's a music coming from. Coming from a surrounding neighbor around 12pm every Saturday on the dot. It takes me a while. Takes me a while to really realize what's going on. What's that music? Why right now? The second season of Real Housewives is on and I need to decompress from the week behind me, which you don't even want to know about it. And then I hear the subtle tune of Frank Ocean's Lost. Okay, turn it up, why don't you? Okay, now we're talking. The first couple times it happened, I thought it was a car parked outside on my neighborhood street with the door ajar and some kind of newly installed speaker system. And what I can only imagine is a 1994 Toyota Corolla. I love a Toyota. That's not a diss. But his door is ajar. To invite his prey in and then do what he wants with him. This is what I was assuming. Then it kept happening. Then it kept happening. And then I walked outside and I was like, oh, oh, this is coming from an apartment. Maybe they're cleaning. Maybe they're fucking all day. Because I know what kind of music that is. Frank Ocean, Bad Bunny's Greatest Hits, 2000s R&B. You want to tell me you're not rubbing one out to that? Oh, it gets you in the mood. And I'm gonna let them. I'm not calling the cost. It's not bothering me none. And it's on a speaker with some reach. It's carrying through multiple walls to get to me in the living room. It must be on a jbl, a Bose of sorts. Oh, this is good. This is really good. I'll take it. You're safe for now. Until you put something, something of a Frank Sinatra on. Then it's what is the number to 91 1? You're done for. I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. Because this did happen to me. I shared a wall with a young lady who insisted, I'm sure not from her own will, but from her dirty, grubby boyfriend. Every time he would come over for a meal, she would have Frank Sinatra on vinyl mixed with the homemade dinner. Girl, what are we doing? Why are you pulling out all the stops for this boyfriend? He's asking too Much. We don't need to go down that. Right. You have to make him work for it. Because I know you would never pick Frank Sinatra. Because who is. Because who is. And you might be thinking, why is she going in so hard on. On a musical? Great. Well, take a good look at yourself and don't you lie to me. Can you name one Frank Sinatra song? I didn't think so. No. No. You say it to sound cool. He was the earliest of the musical talent, and thank God for that, because we've evolved. Now we have songs like Birthday Sex, which are objectively more pleasing to the ears, to your auditory system. That'll calm your nerves. Not Frank Sinatra. You can't look at me in the face confidently and say. And say, you know, one Frank Sinatra album. And even further, can you deem it no skips? No. No way, no way, no way, no way, no way. You don't need to sound cool around here. I wouldn't believe you anyways. So there's skips in the album, and it's on. And it's on a record player, so you have to pick up the needle every time you don't like a song, which is all of the songs, and slowly put it down with the accuracy and precision to hopefully get you a song you can choke down, but you can't. So now all your time's consumed listening to for your boyfriend. This would happen every Wednesday, Thursday night, on the other side of the wall. I called the cops. They didn't come. I don't want to listen to that when I'm trying to watch reruns of Girls on my plush couch. That I did travel with me all the way to la because I need to see Hannah Horvath ruin her life and know that mine somehow is worse. She's a Nepo. She got all the money from her parents. Hello? No. So. So. So her awful, terrible, disgusting taste in music was the propulsion I needed to look for any loophole in the lease, any crack in the foundation, anything to get me out of there. And you know what? You know where my efforts led me? Right into the bathroom filled with black mold. Excuse me. I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for this disaster. The blackest mold you've ever seen. Noir finding its way into my nasal passages, crawling down my lungs to settle into some kind of an infection that we don't even know if there's a modern medical treatment for. That's how I ended up. All from your Frank Sinatra. And this is a true story. And every time I say it every time I tell it. I like to give a shout out to the Harvard lawyer on Instagram that scoured the California law to get me out of this lease. Because that landlord's grip was so tight, I didn't even have a chance to breathe in the black mold spores. He wouldn't let me go, asphyxiating me with verbiage and lingo in a document I cannot understand. But I signed. Lucky for me, the law is on the tenant side. They just try and trick you. They try and. They try and use your power. They try and use their power over you. Well, you're no match for my Harvard lawyer. And you're a pervert. He only rented to young girls so he could see them. And he could see them in their bikinis in the shared pool, the pool that his casita overlooks. Get me out of here. And so I did. Oh, and naturally, naturally, I'm thinking about the women. If I'm not thinking about the man, I'm thinking about the woman. And I want to stop thinking about the man already. No, but there's too much to say. But they're intertwined. So here you're going to get both topics. I'm learning about white feminism. I think I told you one time I was up late with Robbie. I said, baby, am I a white feminist? She said, no, you're Mexican. Oh. Abated immediately. Then I'm like, well, what is it? And after further research, it's a pick me. She's a pick me of the white variety, with the tears she's always crying, making something about her riddled in polka dots and bows. No, no, you're not doing that for yourself. You're not wearing those polka dots for you. You're wearing them for the man. And they should be burned. That polka dot address. What? What are we doing with the bow? It came and went, that trend. And thank God. What are we, babies? What are we suckling on teats? No, we're not men. The last time I wore a bow, I don't even want to say because I think it was too late in life. Maybe when I was 17 on the dance team, but it was a part of our uniform. And you scour my pictures and you dig through. You'll never catch me in a bow. No, no, because that's for them. That's for the predators. It's for the Chester and the molesters. We don't need to make ourselves young and take off the polka dots while you're at it. I watched a YouTube, so naturally, I know everything on this white feminism. And they brought up the Zooey Deschanel character in Girls. I knew I hated that bitch. I knew I hated her, but I didn't know why. Yeah, maybe she has some good one liners. Yeah, maybe. Maybe. This show was overall funny back then. Now we know too much. She's mad at another woman in a suit because she would never know. She needs a print on her dress and a bow in her hair. You're not doing. No, this is for the male gaze and you can't convince me otherwise. Oh, you're quirky. Oh, you're quirky. And you're a little. And. And you're just a little silly. Why do you have to dumb yourself down for the man? No, no, because here. Here we're not into any of that. Here we actively repel men. Get away. Get away from me. Far away. I'm gonna fear monger. I'm gonna talk shit. I'm gonna gaslight the gaslighter. Get out of here in your bald ass head with your receding hairline. I've said it once and I've said it again. You need hair plugs, and hopefully they stick because I've seen a bad job, I've seen a bad hair plug job, and it's done nothing for you. Do your research, do your due diligence and get your ass to Turkey. We repel them here, and you might be thinking, oh, Gabby. Oh, Gabby. Well, we just saw your Gooch on your Instagram stories. Well, that was in the name of fashion and design. That was a micro miniskirt that Paris Hilton wore. It's couture. It's avant garde. Eh, so it's not for the man, it's for me. No, because all of you surrounding me, surrounding me are the women. And yes, I'm talking to you gay men. There are allies and the husbands. And some of the husbands that listen. Thank you for your service. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Salute to the long Windards. This is our country and you are a soldier. And then. And then I'm like, okay, okay, what about the trad wife? This is also a conversation that's happening. The rise in the trad wife, the Nara Smith sub, it all. I was thinking about the drad wife, and then I stopped thinking because there's not much to think about. They're not hurting us any. No, they're always going to be there. They were never going to be in our side. If they want to. If they want to run around the house with a bustled skirt A tight corset paired with some pearls and fresh batter from their pink KitchenAid. So be it. So be it. We know. We know. It's not easy to do all of that and rear. And rear your terrible two toddler who just learned the words, no, fuck you and I hate you. How you're making anything from scratch with the words coming out of his. His mouth. I don't know. You want to make a homemade Gillette? Godspeed. Godspeed. I know you're hanging on by a thread, so I have compassion. We can't turn our backs on them. No. Because hopefully one day they're gonna convert. Hopefully one day they're gonna be on our side, and we have to welcome them with open arms because we're building. We're building a country. A nation of righteous lesbians. And if we work hard and we give it enough time, they'll come. We need to channel our inner cult leader of sorts. Okay? Turn on your charisma. Lie to their face. Anything to reel them in, anything to make them really comfortable, like they have something bigger to live for, something bigger than a. Than a little alien who shits itself. But we can bring them to. We can't ask them to leave their children behind. We turn. We. We. We lean in to our preacher voice and we speak with confidence and spew lies, but benign lies. We can't just go for their money. And then once we get them in our grasp as the lesbian of cult leaders, we're going to ship them off to the isle of Lesbos, and they'll go through a training. They'll go through training, and they'll aggressively scissor and they'll come back to the mainland a changed person, changed women. And then slowly but surely, we will increase our population. But until then, we just have to wait and be patient. Yeah, the trad wives are glamorizing. Yeah. They're making it harder on everybody else to not do what they're doing. But they're always going to be there. They're not hurting us. And we have to protect our voices. And we can be just as loud as them. And of course that if you want. I don't give a. If it's in the name of design and fashion. Hello. Take those titties out. And even if it's not, I don't care. The thing is, is I don't care, you guys know? I just don't care. And that's my take on the trad wife. And because we've all been there. We've all been in the Position of the trad where you're still under the man's thumb that's shaped like a toenail. Pushing down. Pushing down. Your thumb has a lot of strength. There's a lot of muscle fibers in this little thing the size of your boyfriend's. Ex. Boyfriend's. No, boyfriend's appendage that's going in Robbie's pants in New York. And it's pushing down and it's pushing and then it's gonna take all the air out. And that's when we'll be there. The lesbians to do cpr, mouth to mouth, girl on girl. You guys know I love Lumi. I love it because I hate to admit, but actually it's relatable. I sweat. I sweat from my armpits and obviously it smells like sweat right through my cashmere. If I'm having an important meeting, if I'm meeting some of Robbie's friends or family I haven't met, I just can't risk it. Lume is a whole body deodorant. It's safe to use anywhere on your body. Pits under boobs, thigh folds, belly buttons. My favorite butt cracks. My second favorite, vulvas and feet. My favorite is the cream deodorant because I think it's more alluring to apply a cream rather than a stick. But choose your own adventure. It was created by an ob GYN who saw firsthand how normal BO was being misdiagnosed and mistreated. Story of our lives as women. So it's clinically proven to block odor all day and control odor for up to 72 hours. Lume has different deodorant product options. They have a solid deodorant stick, sweat controlled deodorant and a spray deodorant. All products are baking soda free and paraben free and they're pH balanced so it's safe to use below the waist. Lume's starter pack is perfect for new customers. It comes with a solid stick deodorant cream tube deodorant. Two free products of your choice like mini body wash and deodorant wipes and free shipping as a special offer offer for listeners. New customers get 15% all Lumi products with our exclusive code. And if you combine the 15 off with the already discounted starter pack, that equals over 40% off their starter pack. Use code Gabby Windy for 15 off your first purchase at lumideodorant.com that's code G-A B B Y W I n D E Y at L u M E D E O D O R a n t.com Please support our show and tell them we sent you Smell fresher, stay drier and boost your confidence from head to toe with Lumi. Hi y'all, I'm Kinsey and I'm the host of Houseguests podcast. I am a Gen Z wannabe Martha Stewart meets Dolly Parton trying to live in a Nancy Myers movie. We talk all about life, relationships and navigating your 20s. I'd like to say I multifaceted faceted. I'm either waking up at 4am in the sauna, tending to my garden or closing out the bars until 2am you just never know what you're going to get. It's either me at home in my house in Texas that I spend way too much time in or in the studio with some pretty cool guest. You can follow us at the house guest pod and listen or watch all new episodes every Thursday wherever you get your podcast or on YouTube. Okay. And then naturally I was thinking a little more and it's like there's this ongoing discussion. We've had it when I was a nurse. It's like why? Why do only the maternals get the maternity leave? Why do you have to actually bear a spawn in order to get three months off FMLA and guaranteed that you will get your job back? And by the way, this is not taking away from the mothers. You deserve it and you deserve more. Three months in this country, that is aberrant, abhorrent, that is a personal offense. Your boss's, your managers should be ashamed of themselves, but they're not because this is capitalism. And I think you should come back in. I think you should have more up to two, three, four years because you have to stay at home with the kid until, until the kid can go to school. So 2, 3, 4. You paid time off, guarantee your job position back and deserve a raise because you are single handedly providing the company with more employees in about 20 years. So you deserve a recruitment bonus because this is an MLM scheme of sorts, but not the good kind because you're not making any money from these kids. No, they're taking. No, they're taking all your money. They take and they take and they take. Well, you can't take anything from me. You can take my philtrum, but you can't take my dignity. The philtrum is the space from the nose to the upper lip. And you guys know I want to cut it in about half, so please take that. But you don't have the expertise or the training. Maybe as A mother as. As a child, you take the retirement you take. As a child, you take your mother's retirement, you take her good years, and you take her unconditional love. But as a mother, you should be able to only give them two out of the three. My mom chose to not give me unconditional love, and look how it turned out. Just fine. As I find, as I go searching for any in the kitchen, any utensil. You guys know what I'm talking about. Okay, so, yeah, so the maternity leave. So it's like. Yes. So what do the childless women who I do think are here in masses today? I know I have some mom listeners, and thank you so much again for being here, for serving your country. But the childless. The childless women, what do we have to do in order to get X amount of time off work and guarantee our job position back when we're ready to come back? Because we need to take care of some shit also in order to fulfill our life's duties, what do we have to do? Grow a teratoma? You want us to grow a little tumor with hair and eyes and a full set of teeth? Well, we can't do that on command. What kind of a medical condition, medical phenomena do we need to hope for in order to get some kind of a maternity leave? Because that is what pregnancy is. It's a condition slash phenomena. I won't call it an illness, even though I feel like it's adjacent. It makes you so tired your ankles swell, you have a hard time breathing. You can't sleep on your back. You're trying to tell me this isn't a disease? No, it's the gift of life. They say it's a phenomenon. If you took an aerial shot of a pregnant woman, like an X ray, you'd see one person and then attached, maybe in a big bucket that you. That you wash cars with. In there, full of water would be a baby. So. So that's two people. That is crazy, insane phenomena. And in the bucket, the baby is swimming. It's swimming like it's in a bathtub. It's. It's playing with its little feetsies. It's digging around in its butthole. It's wiping it on its face, and it's wiping it on the walls of your body. This is what's happening during pregnancy. And then right before it's going to take its first deep breath of fresh air, it'll take a fat dump in that pool of water and may or may not inhale it. So now we do have a medical Condition. First thing the baby does when it gets born, it's called meconium. I wish nothing. I wish no baby. I wish nothing like this on a baby or a mother. But it happens. So what kind of medical phenomenon do we need? Do we need as. As the non maternals, as the children of Earth, which I would identify myself with vehemently. A teratoma, like I said, a little monster growing in there or. Which, like, you know, you can't just ask for. I don't think we should. So then I'm like, okay, maybe a hemorrhoid. A medical phenomenon of sorts. It needs feeding just like a baby. It needs feeding from the surrounding anal mucosa. The blood flow needs to go straight into that vein in order so it protrudes enough to cause an irritable, like, pain and an insatiable itch that you cannot scratch because you can't dig in your asshole in public because you're an adult and you have to take care of this in order to be mentally sound and fulfill your life's duty, which is to live itch free in the world. And maybe that would come with a gift basket from your employees filled with little goodies to treat it appropriately. Preparation H. A colonic. Let's take off some of the weight from this burdensome hemorrhoid. And lastly, an at home colonoscopy kit fit with a tool for cauterization that connects to your asshole and the flame from your gas stove to burn that little blood vessel right off. You can do it right at home. It's like a sitz bath of sorts. So maybe that. Or maybe. Or can we get an emotional maternity leave again in order to fulfill our life's purposes of not being fucking annoyed day in and day out by Nancy, who's taking up all of the air with the worst coffee I've ever smelt in a styrofoam cup. And suffocating me with pictures of her dog who's objectively ugly. An uggo doggo. Come here, let me give you a scratchy. Never mind. You got too close. Never mind. That's a face only Nancy could love. Obviously adopted. Not the top of the list for euthanasia. No. Not even the shelter could keep him around because he's so ugly. And Nancy wanted to be some savior, so she swooped in and now she has to prove that she's a good person by showing the whole office pictures of her dog that we have to pretend are cute. I can't lie to you anymore, Nancy. No. And she's always the one leaving stacks and stacks of paperwork that are completely undone because the only thing she cares about is her dog. Well, wouldn't that be nice? Then it's like, do we even get to enjoy life? Or is it gonna be spent working for the man? The man who doesn't care if I live or die. But he does care when and for how long I wipe my ass. Oh, you're monitoring my bathroom breaks, you pervert. I gotta change my tampon and check my phone until both my legs go numb. Cause I need a break and I haven't had my 30 yet. And he cares when and for how long? You have to go take care of your sick grandmother. She's already dead. In Virginia. That's where she used to live. But Nancy is clogging up the calendar with her office politics and vet appointments, so her dog gets maternity leave, but I can't. And that's the way it goes when you give a mouse a cookie. Am I right? Am I right? Moth to a flame. Am I right? And as you know, I've been on an AI kick. You know about my AI abortion, where a rumba type robot comes in, hits you in the stomach with a retractable arm. And that's how all abortions will be done in the future. So now I'm thinking, because all of a sudden, AI is everywhere. There was just a commercial for it last night. And the super bowl and the Kanye west commercial. I'm like, okay, okay. What is our country? It's giving. It's giving Russia. I don't know what the fuck is going on, but can we stop plugging AI with Matthew McConaughey? And I know most of the gen pop is inane, but here we are, geniuses of sorts, and I know that, so we can talk about these things, these things that I only have a light understanding of. But I will act like I know everything. And I'll tell you. I'll tell you what I do understand, is that AI will ruin our lives and take your jobs. You don't like your job? Me either. But do you like your money? Are you saving up for those little slutty boots that you can wear around town to attract all the girlfriends? Because we're not dating boys around here with your sexy little espresso martini that costs $25. Well, give it up, because AI's coming for you. Bye, baby. Oh, babe. Cutie. God willing. God willing, baby. Olivia. Olivia, you want to say hi? She's off to record a pod. Chelsea Peretti spot one of the greatest, funniest. Looks like my sister. I'm gonna miss my baby. Even for two sleeps. Two, Right. Because I come Wednesday. You come Wednesday? Yeah. Oh, I forgot. See, cuz, you went a day early. You were going to leave Tuesday, babe, I got to settle in, you know, I got to get my rest before New York. I know. I'm happy I'm missing this. You'll be settled in, but then I'm going to blow up everything. It's going to just. That's okay, baby. Stabilize you. That's okay. Okay. I love you. Will you close or. Nardo, go. Get out. Okay. Okay. Where was I? AI is gonna overtake us all. Isn't she sweet? AI is gonna overtake us all, and then you will not afford your slutty boots. And then we're all. We're all gonna have to drain Big Pharma of its gabapentin. We're gonna go on a shortage, and then we're all gonna be done for it. And it's like I thought. I thought as a community, as a culture, we weren't gonna stand for AI. We just had the huge writers strike because AI was taking the writers jobs. That's why it's taken a new season of severance. And they should have just kept it. They should have just left it for dead, because who even likes it? Is there people who want to sound smart? Oh, I love severance. What about it? It's so slow. It's dry. We all know what's going on here. It's dystopia. It's not that deep. They should have held on to severance. We had the writers strike. We had this big thing in Hollywood all because of AI. And then Marty at the super bowl party is using Chat gbt. Get off. Chat gbt. Leave him alone. He's not our friend. Are we. Are we that lazy we can't Google anymore that we can't think for ourselves? Oh, it's great for a resume. Why don't you contact a mentor? Why don't you contact a friend? Why don't you pay me? Don't do that. I'm too expensive. Oh, come on. Because it's gonna snowball. Because it's gonna get worse and worse and worse, and then it's gonna know too much. It already knows too much. It's learning how to think terrifying, but it cannot emotionally connect. We've been warned about this from the beginnings of social media. And have you learned nothing? All of this AI knowledge is falling on deaf ears. Well, get your hearing aids Listen to me now. Now all of you are turning, are turning your backs when we had declared not to use AI, just like I will when I get plastic surgery. You'll never hear from me again. And then I'm like, oh, my God, is Siri AI? And I looked it up and they said, of sorts, yes, but it's like Apple and Icloud are already stealing your information. So it's fine. And it's not open air. Open air is what we have to be afraid of. I think those are the ones who can think faster, who are gathering more information, who will pretend to be emotional of some sorts and really trickier. It's getting too smart. It's going to outthink us all and then it's going to kill us, which is the least it could do because again, I was on the YouTube, what is Emma Chang cradle? She's really smart. And she was talking about. She was talking about how Baby Girl was like, really a movie about AI. I'm like this. I can get behind. I love the conspiracy. And even in the opening shots, I mean, they made AI sexy. They made it powerful. They made it. Nicole Kidman, she's like out of nowhere. Oh, the CEO of an AI company that looks similar to Amazon. Oh, you're just gonna do. You're just gonna subtle plug or you're gonna make it think like it's normal. But I was high when I watched it, so naturally I forgot. Emma reminded me that this is fucked up. It's insidious. They're sending us subliminal messaging because who's not going to the movies when they're high? I don't step foot without a puff, puff, pass. And she was comparing it to the movie her with Joaquin Phoenix. I don't know if you've seen that horror film. There's no gore, but it's mentally horrific. He falls. He falls in love with an AI girlfriend and the relationship crashes and burns because the robot girlfriend will never love him. And he's left with the blue balls he had before when his wife left him because he has a terrible mustache and a bad personality. Well, you gotta look inside. AI's not gonna save you. But we're desperate. We're desperate to be saved. We're desperate for an easy way out. Now we have to boycott. We have to leave it behind. We were worried about social media, that this isn't a real way to connect with people because the Internet doesn't have emotional intelligence. It doesn't have an intuition. It's not a way to replace Real life relationships. I don't have real life relationships. But it's not because social media. It's because I don't want them. Because nobody understands my depression like me. Nobody understands. It's all I want to talk about. Nobody understands the black cloud that I'm under day in and day out, marring my experience. We're being warned. We're being warned. Tell all the men in your lives, because they are the ones who are offending. They're going to be the ones to fall in the trap, which is actually maybe, fine, maybe this could go hand in hand with the trad wife conversion. If all the dudes fall off with their AI girlfriends, and then we can steal all the trad wives again, send them to Isle of Lazarus, take them back, and then we can live separate for once and for all. But also, there was that Black Mirror episode where I think it was like the first one. And this young woman, her, like, I think she had just gotten married, newlyweds. And the newlywed husband bit it in a car crash, which it's like she was distraught for reasons unknown because he was really painted like an asshole. I'm like, girl, you got a new lease on life. You should thank that other semi. You got away from him. But naturally, I don't know. She's too. She's too. She's going through the grief process. She doesn't know what's happening, really. So somebody comes in and they offer her a robot type of sorts of the husband who looks just like him on the outside, but doesn't have any of the processing skills, no critical thing. You cannot come connect to him emotionally. And he's dumb as fuck. Oh, not. Not much different than the real one anyway. So the only thing he's good at is fucking. So they fuck like rabbits. And then she gets sick of him, and then the disillusion wears off and she's painfully in touch with reality, so she makes the robot jump off a cliff. It always implodes and never gets us anywhere. And yet we make commercials about it for the Super Bowl. You've been warned. Wow. Wow. And just like that, and just like that, you came to another episode of Long Winded. And I did the Lord's work by educating you with fake news. And that's my right. I'm exercising my first amendment. Okay. Until next time. Long Winter. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.