answering voice notes

Summary

Long Winded with Gabby Windey (June 11, 2026)

Episode Focus: Answering Voice Notes from Listeners

Episode Overview

On this episode of "Long Winded," Gabby Windey brings her signature humor, relatability, and candidness to an entirely audience-driven show: responding to listeners’ voice notes. The tone is equal parts vulnerable, hilarious, and unapologetically honest as Gabby fields questions about dating (especially the eternal woes of heterosexuality), sexuality, bodily health, gym creepers, friendship dilemmas, pop culture identity—and, naturally, the enduring struggle against the patriarchy. As always, Gabby draws on her unique background as an ICU nurse, NFL cheerleader, and former Bachelorette to offer advice rooted in both lived experience and sharp wit.

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Main Discussion Points and Insights

1. Gabby’s Life, Travel & Spray Tan Woes

• Gabby opens with a personal update: she’s hot in her garage studio, prepping for a trip to Hawaii (and lamenting the risks of her uncleaned swamp cooler and the unique, "absolutely incredible" smell of a fresh spray tan).
• She riffs on packing strategies and sun safety:
  “I use SPF 50 everywhere. Because I do not want to find one wrinkle on my knee or my thigh or my shoulders.” (05:12)
• Shares thoughts on excursions (snorkeling = love, horseback riding = fear, ziplining = not for her due to “over-formed amygdala”).

2. Quitting Smoking & Alan Carr’s Book

• Shares her attempt to quit smoking ahead of Hawaii, listening to Alan Carr:
  “Now I’m at an improv class. Now I’m believing in the unbelievable: me stopping smoking. So I really just need to get it in my brain so I can be free.” (08:25)

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Listener Voicemails Q&A

1. Navigating the Horror of Heterosexual Dating

Timestamp: 10:44–11:57
Listener asks: As a straight woman craving intimacy, how to deal with the “situation with men”?
Gabby’s Response:

• Jokingly laments, “heterosexuality is a curse.”
• Urges: “Be a lesbian. It doesn’t sound like you’ve tried hard enough!”
• Notable quote:

  “Once you touch the tip of a tongue of another lesbian … you cannot go back. For it’s warm and it’s lithe and it doesn’t accost you in your mouth ... I say to you, try that of a scissor, and then you shall not go back.” (12:08)

• Real advice: If stuck with men, “get you a short man”—Gabby claims, “This is data, this is science … I have personally collected myself." (13:41)

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2. Potential Diabetes Diagnosis

Timestamp: 15:36–15:49
Listener asks: Suspects diabetes, wants advice on what to eat.
Gabby’s Response: Playfully medical, lists “the three Ps" (polydipsia, polyuria):
> “… sounds like you’re gonna have a diet of hot air for the rest of your life.” (16:18)

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3. Dealing with Creepy Stares at the Gym

Timestamp: 16:51–20:58
Listener asks: How to handle men staring at her at the gym after transitioning from an all-women's gym.
Gabby’s Response:

• Empathizes: "We need women’s-only spaces. But once they infiltrate, and one they're gonna tax your ass ... The IRS is the incarnate patriarchy.” (18:18)
• Solution: “The headgear. … It’s a Tilly hat … SPF … with a mesh mask so you can breathe through it to cover thy face. … Plus sunglasses to hide thy kind eyes.” (18:37)
• Weaponizes her own experience:

  “No neighbors are coming up to me no more. They don’t want to ‘pet your dog … your ass looks good in those pants’ … They’re scared. The only thing they want to do right now is jump back a good five feet ... and I feel safer than I ever have.” (19:30)

• Concludes: If all women wore intimidating gear, maybe it would turn back into a women’s-only space.

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4. Favorite Strain & Consumption of Marijuana

Timestamp: 20:58–26:36
Listener asks: “Are you an indica or sativa girly? What’s your favorite method?”
Gabby’s Response:

• “Easy. A Maltese sativa right up the ass.” (21:19, joking)
• Details on actual use: prefers smoking, acknowledges oral fixation.
• Tells a nurse story about giving patients rectal suppositories, drawing a line to her own “scientific data.”
• For the record: the strain was “Aurora dried cannabis flower variety Pedanios,” sourced in Malta (23:30).

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5. Friend’s Senile Father Sending Eggplant Emojis

Timestamp: 26:36–30:53
Listener asks: Friend’s elderly father is DMing her suggestive emojis on Instagram; should she confront/block?
Gabby’s Response:

• “How is an old man on Instagram? He’s not senile.” (28:15)
• “We are giving him way too many excuses ... the eggplant emoji can be expected, low hanging fruit. The sweating emoji? Disgusting.” (28:50)
• Jokes about calling “the pervert police” or putting him in “special jail for old people.”
• Suggests intervention might be needed due to the inappropriateness.

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6. Girlfriend Won’t Go Down Due to Texture/OCD Issues

Timestamp: 30:53–36:24
Listener asks: Her girlfriend, due to a real texture disorder and OCD, only performed oral sex once. Should she ask again?
Gabby’s Response:

• “It’s hard not to have your needs met when your girlfriend is faking a texture disorder. Just kidding!” (33:07)
• Emphasizes understanding OCD loops; notes exposure therapy (the gold standard) may help.

  “I think you should get a couples’ therapist, and the therapist can cuck while she goes down on you, and every time she comes up ... the cuck can give her some advice ... because this is how we’re intimate.” (34:18)

• Suggests visualization: think of it "like her favorite food" to mitigate the aversion.

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7. Sex and the City Personas

Timestamp: 36:24–43:04
Listener asks: Who is Gabby from Sex and the City? What would she steal from Carrie’s closet?
Gabby’s Response:

• Affirms: “I am a Carrie… I am getting paid to write. Can you believe?” (38:51)
• Insightful pop culture critique:

  “With an ensemble female cast … you have to pick a stereotype and magnify it … Women cannot be nuanced.” (38:24)

• Gripes about ensemble casting reducing women to types (Miranda always cast as “the ugly, ugly duckling lesbian … in one three-dimensional box. It’s not even 3D. It’s 2D!”). (38:47)
• On Carrie's closet: would love anything, but more excited by the opportunity itself than any specific item.

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8. Being Sued by an Ex After a Breakup

Timestamp: 43:04–46:21
Listener asks: Ex is suing after cohabiting (and both breaking the lease).
Gabby’s Response:

• “Suing for a breakup is absolutely mental. You can’t just sue because you don’t like them anymore.” (43:58)
• Recommends: “She needs to go to that planet [with a more lenient judicial system] ... If not, we need to get this on Judge Judy. I have to see this live.” (44:32)
• Jokes that her partner Robbie could represent the caller in civil court free of charge.

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9. Abusive Ex, Medical Fallout

Timestamp: 46:21–51:19
Listener shares: Four months with an abusive ex resulted in chlamydia, BV, and yeast infection diagnosis. Gabby’s Response:

• “This guy is insufferable. He never deserved to breathe your same air. And this is why he’s so aggressive ... the chlamydia is eating away at his frontal lobe.” (47:42)
• Advocates for billing him for damages:

  “You Venmo him the medical bills. … Then you call the IRS and tell him he hasn’t been paying his taxes.” (48:50)

  • “A dirty dick can get in the way of paying your taxes. ... He’s wasting all of his tax dollars on the gym where he uses it as a public place to yell at a woman.” (49:19)
• Reassures the caller: it’s not their fault at all, any stigma should be on him, not her.

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Notable Quotes & Gabby-isms

• “Heterosexuality is a curse. Then maybe a choice.” (12:06)
• “If you want a successful relationship, you have to date a short. ... They can’t believe they got a tally or another shorty.” (13:41)
• “Have you ever put something in your ass or somebody else’s ass? This again is coming from scientific data.” (22:00)
• “The IRS is the incarnate patriarchy.” (18:18)
• “Make it easy. Make the transition. 3-1-1. Non-emergency. I think this guy needs to go to the shoe.” (29:38, about the inappropriate father)
• “Exposure therapy—the gold standard. Here I am with the data again.” (34:09)
• “We are all Carries. … We're not all Carrie, we're a mixture of everything. … Because this isn't real life ... it's just the way we have to portray women on TV.” (38:51)
• “Suing for a breakup is absolutely mental. You can’t just sue because you don’t like them anymore.” (43:58)
• “A dirty dick can get in the way of paying your taxes. It happens all the time and we know it.” (49:00)

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Overall Tone & Takeaways

Gabby’s blend of real talk, medical know-how, and flamboyant, vulnerable humor creates an inviting space for listeners’ deepest or silliest dilemmas. She is staunchly supportive of her audience, never judgmental. Subjects ranged widely but consistently returned to the struggle for intimacy and respect (especially from cis men), joys and complications of queer love, practical mental health support, and the importance of women forming their own spaces—be it in gyms, relationships, or TV narratives.

A must-listen (or must-read) for anyone who wants cathartic, hilarious community therapy.

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Timestamps by Segment

• 00:00–08:25: Gabby’s personal updates, Hawaii prep, spray tan stories
• 08:25–10:36: Quitting smoking and Alan Carr
• 10:44–11:57: Dating men as a straight woman (“heterosexuality is a curse”)
• 15:36–15:49: Suspected diabetes; eating advice
• 16:51–20:58: Dealing with creeps at the gym
• 20:58–26:36: Marijuana preferences, nurse suppository anecdotes
• 26:36–30:53: Friend’s dad sending inappropriate DMs
• 30:53–36:24: Girlfriend’s texture aversion and intimacy issues
• 36:24–43:04: Which Sex & the City character is Gabby?
• 43:04–46:21: Being sued post-breakup—Gabby rants about courtroom antics
• 46:21–51:19: Abusive ex, getting chlamydia, and “dirty dick” tax evasion

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This episode is packed with witty insight, compassionate advice, and signature Gabby Windey mischief—giving listeners a little catharsis, a lot of laughs, and some surprisingly sage guidance.

Transcript

[A]

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So shop the newest hottest beauty only at Sephora. And welcome back to another episode of Long Winded. I am so hot in here. It's in the garage. In the summer heat, I guess, is falling upon us. I think it has been for a while, but actually in the mornings, because of the way our house faces, it gets that the most sun. So the mornings are the hottest and then the afternoons are the coolest. But you would think that it would be backwards. And I'm in here and I can't breathe. I'm suffocating. So I gotta get this swamp cooler. Ugh. But what a pain in the ass. And I'm wondering when it's gonna start growing mold because I don't clean that thing. And I definitely don't use distilled water. How are you supposed to buy up all of the distilled water in the world just to use your swamp cooler? I only ever use it for like an hour, so breathing in mold for like an hour isn't the worst thing to ever happen to anyone. If you are going to be a guest at my podcast, I will make sure that I clean it. The risk you take for living on the edge. Oh, I also have a spray tan, so if I'm bleeding into the dark or to the background more than normal, this is why. And I smell absolutely incredible. Amazing in the sense that it is unbelievably bad. I love using words like amazing and incredible in a way. You know that it's Not a good thing, but it's still amazing and incredible. And Robbie was like, should you get. We're going to Hawaii tomorrow. That's why. That is why I got a spray tan. I'm so excited. I cannot wait. I loved it. Back with. After a little bit of ined, I'll forget something inevitably, but I will have fun while I'm doing it and try and get really organized. I don't, you know, I think I just, like. I don't always love to back, but I have gotten good at it. But something like this, I like, love to pack. She's like, should you get a spray tan before a real tan? And I'm like, yeah, because I don't want to go to Hawaii with my very pale but very olive skin. And I use SPF 50 everywhere. Everywhere. Because I do not find. Want to find one wrinkle on my knee or my thigh or my shoulders. But on my shoulders, you know, used to have those wrinkles. I use a rock stick of retinol and gold bond of retinol. Both a scam. I don't know, but I think it's helped. But they will not be coming back. And at the very least, skin cancer. I use SPF 50. I will not let my body see the sun. So it's like not that big of a deal. But you know her. But we have excursions planned. She really did a good job in planning them. We. We are getting massages. My favorite excursion. We're going snorkeling. We love snorkeling. We're going horseback riding. I hate horseback riding. It puts my ACLs at a very high risk. There's something about the strap ins of your feet, the stirrups. I guess sick that they're also called stirrups. When you put your legs in the air for your disgusting, perverted male gynecologist to poke a hole out of your cervix. Maybe that's why I don't like it. Maybe that's why I don't like a horse. Because I don't want to put my feet in any kind of a stirrup ever. There's not enough give. There's not enough give for my knees. Also, also, you're thinking, why wouldn't she ever want to ride this beautifully beastly of a majestic creature? Because they could kill you. They get spooked, it's over. It's over with. And they're real animals. You can't control them. And you know, I love to talk about an amygdala. Mine is not Only fully formed. Over formed. Mine has hypertrophied. I'm afraid I'm not an adrenaline chaser. If there's any kind of adrenaline involved, I will sit back and watch and take your fucking picture. But don't expose me to that kind of idiocy with this horse. But I know they're really cute and they all have the same personality of Nardo, so I guess it'll be funny. She loves horses. It's like every time something new pops up, she's like, I'd love to do this. Since I was a kid, I've wanted this my whole life. Like, what? This is the first time I've ever heard about it. And what else are we doing? Oh, and she's going ziplining. And I will sit back at the hotel because I'm not a zip liner again. When's the last thing? When's the last time this thing has been maintained? Check for defaults. When's the last time somebody slowly lined across the zip to see any kind of imperfections that could turn us upside down and sideways? I don't care if I'm in a harness. The harness could fall, too. Knock on wood. It's just not my thing. But you know what my thing is? Getting laid. Literally. And literally, once I get there and get laid, it's all going to be fine. Because I've been writing, writing, writing, writing. Ready? Ready, Ready, ready. Do you want to go to walk? No, I'm ready and ready. Ready. Do you want to go to movie? No, I'm ready. Ready and ready. Do you want to go yourself? No, I'm ready. Ready, ready, ready. And the devil doesn't quit. He doesn't cease. He doesn't stop emailing you with chapters you may have written. So I do have to write a little bit in lanai. But Robbie's a late riser. I'm an early riser. So maybe I can get in a couple of. A couple of, A couple of. You know, Okay, what this is. I'm answering your voicemails. There's some really good ones. These are some my favorite episodes. Okay? And I also need to stop smoking before Hawaii. So I'm listening to Alan Carr at 1.1. That's the fastest I can go because I actually need to learn about the little monster and the big monster and how our psychology has fucked ourselves into thinking that we have an addiction. And because I don't want to smoke in Hawaii, even though I feel like they probably have really good cigarettes. But do they? Do I want a cigarette full of pineapple and macadamia nut tobacco. Maybe that would be even worse because Alan Garr says we trick ourselves into liking the taste and the smell. Well, therefore, by have been a smoker, I don't taste or smell. So it's like some of his arguments, I'm like, I'm like, eh. I'm like. But I suspend my disbelief. Now I'm at an improv class. Now I'm. I'm believing in the unbelievable me stopping smoking. So I really just need to get it in my brain so I can be free. So I can be free. Okay, let me take a. Let me take a little talk easy. Oh, I hate to promote another podcast. That's mine. But he is really good and he's had Robbie on twice and he obviously gave her a mug. So what am I supposed to do? And we love a coff mug. Okay. I was like, I don't know what I was gonna do. Oh, I was gonna turn this up, but I think I'd myself because sometimes these voicemails are hard to hear. This episode is sponsored by Stella Rosa. We all just need to relax. Can you even do that in this world with things happening all of the time and the things just keep going and the world keeps turning? And now you're so dizzy. And the Stella Rosa, it has a little bit more personality like you and I than a regular bottle of wine. It has bubbles and a semi sweet taste. I bring it to every picnic. There's, you know, picnics at the park. We're going to the meadows or a birthday party or just a non occasion because you really cannot go wrong with Stella Rosa. It's a staple. Join the [e-mail] or look for it at your local retailer. Remember, you must be 21 plus to drink responsibly. And now a word from our sponsors. You look around and everybody looks amazing with the summer glow and the same kind of a blush. And what about a berry lip liner? It's not random. It's Sephora. Hello. I can't go in. I can't go in without finding something I absolutely need. I don't care how big or small makes me feel good. And Sephora is where you can find the newest, hottest drops you won't find anywhere else. And ain't that the truth? Say less. So shop the newest, hottest beauty only at Sephora. Okay.

[B]

Hi.

[A]

Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Hold on.

[B]

Oh, here. Gosh, I am such a big fan. I've been watching your long winded since literally the first episode And I'm high as fuck right now, but love you so much. I have a question. Advice. I need an advice from you. I'm 29. I've been in long term relationships. I'm unfortunately heterosexual. And so I have to date other straight men. And as you know, more than anyone else in the world, the situation with men is really horrific. And. But at the same time, I crave intimacy and I crave to be seen and cared for by someone else. And also long to care someone else mutually. And wondering if you have any advice on how to navigate this dating scene. Love you so much. You are absolutely the best. You are the Plato of our time. You're a philosopher. And I will follow you till the end. And you're going to be such a big star. Anyway. Love you. Love you, Love you. Bye.

[A]

You guys are really way too sweet for me or to me, but not for me. I love something sweet. Well, I have to tell you, I am sorry to say, heterosexuality is a curse. Then maybe a choice. You are not. You do not have to date men. I'm gonna tell you one thing. Be a lesbian. It doesn't sound like you've tried hard enough. You didn't explain the ways in which you've tried to be a lesbian and failed. Because it is a choice. Once you touch the tip of a tongue of another lesbian, the muscle of the strength of the tongue, the strongest one in your body, you cannot go back. For it's warm and it's lithe and it doesn't accost you in your mouth. We've all had those. I don't know where men learned how to kiss, but they refuse, they refuse to believe their teachers when we say, not so much tongue. So I say to you, try that of a scissor and then you shall not go back. And I say to you, try that of a strap on. It's the exact same. And you shall not go back. And I say to you, if all else fails, you get you a short man. This is the only way it's gonna work. I've told all my friends and it is true. This is data, this is science, that I have personally collected myself. No, it's not anecdotal. I've written it down in a spreadsheet. And I've been gathering, I've been gathering for years now. If you want a successful relationship, you have to date a short. Because then they will bow down to you. They can't believe. They cannot believe they got a tally or another shorty. They can't believe. They're in a relationship at all. They cannot believe it. Because their whole lives people have been telling them, you're too short for love. Nobody is going to love you with those cursed femurs. And that's where you come in. You save his life, he's eternally grateful. He never thought he'd get a woman like you who is really cool and gets high and sends me voicemails. Or a Jewish one. That's what I did. And look how well it worked out for me. Again, it's not even anecdotal. It's scientific. And it could be confirmation bias. But good luck to you all in dating the men. I don't know, you guys. I don't know. I have to. Well, maybe. No, I won't. I was gonna spoil something, but I won't. Okay, let's turn her up and let's hit her. I'm on my hot spot. Like I want to get WI fi down here, but do I want to pay for it? Okay, whatever. Yeah. Cause I'm not even on the hotspot. Ugh. Okay, This thing turned up.

[B]

Hi, Gabby. I think you're awesome. I'm from the UK and I just wanted to say hello. And I think I might be diabetic. So what should I eat now?

[A]

Thank you for the question. I love your accent. Hello. And I have to say, it took quite a turn, this call in for advice. I am sorry about your diabetes. Your hypothesized diabetes. You first. Want to get that checked. Maybe. But they say the three Ps. Polydipsia. You're so thirsty. You're so thirsty. You're like a dog drinking out of that bowl. Polydipsia. Wait, did I say polydipsia? Polyuria. You pee a lot and I forget the last P. So it sounds like you're gonna have to have a diet of hot air for the rest of your life. Okay, let's see. I knew I was going to forget to turn it up and down and up and down.

[B]

Hi, Gabby. I'm currently calling from Montreal, Quebec, and I wanted to ask, what is your advice on crates staring at you at the gym? I used to be able to afford to go to an all women's gym, and unfortunately, now I have to share it with men and other smelly people. And some of them just stare too long while you're working out. So I'm just asking, what is your best advice to deal with creeps at the gym? Thanks.

[A]

Just in the first three questions, not only are two about the state of men but we are international baby times Thry. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much. Okay, but you know what? I actually do have. Wait, sorry. Okay, sorry. I turned it back down. I actually do have sound advice for you. I do. I have a hat. I have a headgear of sorts that is going to fix your problem. I'm sorry, you have to go to a co ed gym. It is. It is terrible. We need women's only spaces. But one they infiltrate and one they're gonna tax your ass. Because as we know, the IRS is the incarnate patriarchy. Okay, so where was I? The headgear. So when I walk the dog, it's a tilly hat. You know, one that goes like this. It's like a sun hat, but it's made of the tilly, which is of the real work people. It's a tilly hat. It's spf, the whole thing. You don't just need a hat, you need an SPF hat. You're in the gym. But I would still get an SPF hat if I were you. To block the rays of these perverts. Cecilia. And then it has a mesh mask, also spf, but you can breathe through it to cover thy face. Now, my face is too expensive to see the sun, so I've been wearing this to walk the dog. Plus sunglasses to hide thy kind eyes. And no neighbors are coming up to me no more. They don't wanna. Oh, can I pet your dog? They don't wanna. Oh, your dog's so cute. What kind is he? They don'. Want to. Hey, stranger, where do you live? They don't want to. Hey, your ass looks good in those pants. They don't want to Honk, honkity honk, honk. No, they're scared. The only thing they want to do right now is jump back a good five feet and protect themselves for their lives. Because I could check them. I could ooga booga at any minute. I'm not even kidding. I don't even get looks my way. At first I was like, oh, my. I kind of felt bad. I was like, oh, my God, am I scaring people? And then I'm like, thank God, how the tables have turned. This is what it's like to be a scary person. And I'm leaning in and I feel safer than I've ever been. Because we need some kind of a mask. We need some kind of a signal that says, don't with me. And they don't want a weird girl either. They don't want a girl wearing some kind of a mesh net over their face they just don't want. And then you. You can go up to them during a bench press. Ah. Scare their Piggly Wiggly back up into their butthole and call it a day. And now, what kind of space is this? And now. And now if all the women do this in solidarity. And now this shall turn into a women's only space. Let's get the men out. Okay.

[B]

Hi, Gabby. What is your favorite strain of marijuana? I'm just curious. And the girlies need to know. Are you an indica or are you a sativa girly? And what's your favorite method of consumption? We just. We all need to know. We need to know.

[A]

Oh, thank you for your question. Easy. A Maltese Sativa right up the ass. I'll take a nugget and put it up there like a suppository, and then the asshole vacuums it up. Have you ever put something in your ass or somebody else's ass? This again is coming from scientific data. I was a nurse. I've put many a suppository in asses to help heal their ailing health. Okay, this is what I did. This is what I used to do. And you put that little. You put that little submarine shaped silicone thing of whatever. You put it right up the. And it sucks it up. So my ass, it sucks up. The Maltese the Diva. I actually. I actually took a picture of. It's medical there. I had a. I had a. I had a. What do you call those? A link. I had a. Whatever. I had someone get it for me. Honestly, you would die if I was able to find it. Maybe I'll try. But no, I like to smoke it. Obviously you see my issues with smoking because I have an oral fixation. I smoked until I sucked my thumb until I was 10. I was weaned from the teat too early. Okay, I did breastfeed until I was one, but obviously I was weaned too early for somebody like me who needs more colostrum. I need more nutrients. I need to be on the tit longer. There's something going on with my orals. So if I could inhale literally everything, I would. Okay, let's see if I can find it. Only because if you know of. If you've heard of this and you know where to get some, please right in. And if you're ever in Malta or. Yes, then you got to get you some. But it's really. I mean, it's just really not looking good already. Oh, no, look, I found it. It's called it's by Aurora dried cannabis flower variety Pedanios. That sounds Maltese, doesn't it? Oh, wow. It was just. But also, it just might have been good because I hadn't smoked the whole time I was in Malta and then I did at the end, so you know what? It is what it is. Okay, Now a word from our sponsors. Have you had a BlackBerry recently? I mean it. Have you? I bet you haven't even. But they're in season and they're ripe for bursting in your mouth and coloring those teeth blue or purple. But it's summertime. Summer, summer, summer. And berries, among other things, are in season. And then you can mix them together to make an obscure salad on the side of a summer turkey burger fresh off the grill, on saliva. And with Instacart, you can make summer meal prep easy. Say less. I love an Instacart and they're so timely and they have great communication like you wish your boyfriend had. They'll tell you if that kettle corn you wanted is out of stock and give you replacement options. Instacart brings convenience, quality and ease right to your door so you can focus on what matters most. Download the Instacart app now and get groceries just how you like. And this podcast is sponsored by the RealReal, the world's largest and most trusted source for authenticated luxury resale. And we love clothes and we love luxury and vintage. Hello. Have you even ever heard of sustainability or fun? Or is this a no fun zone? And it's time. You can make room in that damp closet for summertime by selling some of those pieces you don't want and make room for some new ones. It's an even exchange. It's free money. You haven't worn that Dolce cheetah print skirt, much to my dismay. But someone else will. So RealReal, do you have any appointments? I've been meaning to call. The RealReal is the most trusted name in authenticated luxury resale, with over 10,000 new arrivals daily. No one does resale like the RealReal. Get $25 off of your first purchase when you to therealreal.com winded. Plus you can get an extra $100 to shop when you sell for the first time. Oh my God. That's the realreal.com winded therealreal.com window.

[B]

Hi Gabby. You are a rare rose in a sea of weeds. I have a quick question, a quick predicament. I have a friend. Not an acquaintance, not a close friend, but a friend who actually has a great relationship with her father. She brought him around a couple of months ago at kind of this event we were both at. And I met him briefly. Anyways, long story short, recently the man has been sending me eggplants, responding to stories, sending DMs, the sweating face, the heart eyes, all of the above. My immediate reaction was just to kind of block and not say anything. Take it to the grave. The man's quite senile. Maybe he doesn't remember meeting me. Maybe he doesn't remember I even know his daughter. But. But just wondering what. What your take would be. Also, I'm a photographer and we should shoot. Love you. Bye.

[A]

Oh my God, yes. I love to take pictures. Wait, did you say it was on Instagram or text message?

[B]

Hi, Gabby. You are a rare rose in a sea of weeds. I have a quick question, a quick predicament. I have a friend, not an acquaintance, not a close friend, but a friend who actually has a great relationship with her father. She brought him around a couple of months ago, kind of this event we were both at, and I met him briefly. Anyways, long story short, recently the man has been sending me eggplants, responding to stories, sending dm.

[A]

Okay, that's what I thought. Instagram. Okay, first of all, how is an old man on Instagram? He's not if he's senile. Men don't know a senile old people do not know how to use an Instagram. And first, first, I didn't know where this was going first I thought you were going to say you quite liked it. Conversation over. Easy enough peasy. We support you. So what? He's a little bit of a pervert and so are you. A match made in heaven. But no, this is unwanted. This is not consensual. You dirty fuck, freak, sex pest, pervert of an old guy of gray hair. He's feign ignorance in that bald head and that comb over that you can see the scalp in between. You know, first of all, okay, the eggplant emoji can be expected. Low hanging fruit. The sweating emoji. Disgusting. Where is he even learning all of these emoji colloquialisms and what they mean? Nope, he is not senile. My grandfather, bless his heart, is a bit. You know, he's not senile, but you got. He's a little old, so he doesn't even have an iPhone. He doesn't even know what an emoji is. This is what old people do not hit. And he knows exactly where he met you. How did he figure out that he followed you on Instagram. We are giving him way too many excuses. And you know what? I find his daughter sketchy, too. I don't know. I'm going to blame her a little bit. Why does she have such a great relationship with him and now maybe, maybe she. I don't know. I hate to say. Maybe she's a victim. I hate to go there, too. And she's still in the stockhold syndrome, so that sounds like there needs to be a serious intervention. The pervert police should be called. If not the police, then, I don't know, some kind of the old person home. Because if this is the way he's acting, he cannot. He needs protection from himself, you know, because he is going. Or, Or. Or just put him in the special jail for old people or just get it over with. He's obviously some kind of a sex criminal. This didn't come out of anywhere. So make it easy. Make the transition. 3, 1, 1. Non emergency. I think this guy needs to go to the shoe. For Those greater than 80, I think that's just all you can do at this point.

[B]

Okay. Hi, Gabby. Oh, my God. You're my queen. I watch Long Winded all the time, every Thursday. But that's besides. Besides the point. Let's get down to business. So I've been in a lesbian relationship with my girlfriend for about a year and a half. First relationship ever. She turned me gay pretty much. I mean, I still find men very attractive, but she is the most attractive of them all. She is my mask lover. But anyways, my issue is she has this thing with texture and, like, texture and food and texture and anything where, like, she's very selective with what she eats because she has this thing with texture. It's like a actual, like, disorder she has with, like, texture. She also has major ocd, so I think those go hand in hand. But the thing with her texture issues comes along with, like, eating foods, but it also affects eating period, if you know what I mean. So my issue is that I want to face. This is hard to say, but she won't go down on me. She went down on me once. It was last summer. And she said she liked it. I very much liked it because obviously I asked again, but she never did it again. So do I live with that or do I now ask her again?

[A]

Honestly, this does. Because this does make me sad. This is a real plight. This is a. You know what? It is a real plight. Hopefully it will be the only cross to bear in your whole life. Because it's hard. It's hard not to have your needs met when your girlfriend is faking a texture disorder. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I know. No, I know. Robbie has. Has pretty. She has OCD as well, so I understand. And she doesn't with texture, thank God. She loves the texture, if you know what I mean. But, but so I get kind of like how supportive and understanding we need to be about ocd. Because Robbie once explained it to me and I was like, I felt terrible because she said she's in a loop. Like, she'll ask a question and I'll, you know, try and make her feel better about it. Then she'll ask the same one. I'm like, why? Like, why are we. But she cannot get out of it. So I'm like, oh, that's miserable. So, but. But I will say. I will say there are exposure therapy, the gold standard. Here I am with the data again. Exposure therapy. To do something, to. To expose yourself to it, to do it, to. Hello. So I think you should get a couple's therapist and the therapist can cuck while she goes down on you. And every time she comes up with some kind of. Or she feels like there's some kind of a barrier, something getting in the way, the cuck can give her some advice and intervene and tell her to move a different way. Why don't we try thinking about it like this? Because it is, you know, it's a. It's a you. This is how we're intimate. You deserve to be pleased in a way that you want to and vice versa. So the cuck of the therapist can really help walk you through it. And, and I, I honestly, I think it should work. It might take a couple times, but I think that is really a plausible way. Plus I feel like texture is more with like biting. Like people don't like a mushy texture. People don't like, I feel like just like mushy. But you're just using your tongue and then. And then it doesn't get so mushy, if you know what I mean. The bean. The bean gets hard boiled. Tell her to flick up all around there and like, maybe you could tell maybe what is her favorite food, that she doesn't mind the texture. I don't know what her favorite food might be. Maybe a carrot. If I'm going out on a whim. Who likes carrots? And it's nobody's favorite food. But say hers is pretend. And this is visualization. Pretend my pussy is a root vegetable. Also kind of with exposure therapy, with visualization and then she's gonna be. But I do. I do. This is quite the predicament. But I think you're gonna get through it. You're gonna get through this. Thank you for your call. I feel like that was quite vulnerable.

[B]

Hi, gabbylicious. My name is Tia. So my question is, I assume, and I don't know if you've watched Sex in the City, but I just watched it for the third time I took the quiz, and it said, I'm Charlotte, but I like to think I'm, like, a mix of Carrie and Charlotte with. With. I'd, like, pick at, like, certain traits of theirs and mix it. And it's me. And I'm curious to know, who do you think you are from Sex in the City and have you took the quiz and if there was anything that you would get from Carrie's closet, what would it be? I just. I mean, every girl loves Carrie's outfits. I think it's, like, one of the best things about her. But. Yeah, what would you get from Carrie's closet? And who are you from? Sex and the City. Bye. Bye.

[A]

I mean, Sex and the City, I feel like, did put designer fashion on tv. In a way, an inspiration and great taste in a way we haven't seen since Fran the nanny. The nanny was wearing all Runway stuff. Fran Drescher does not get enough credit around here. Sorry to take a turn. Everyone thinks they're a Carrie, don't they? Everybody doesn't even want to. Oh, shit.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

I'm blowing out your ears. Everyone thinks they're Carrie. Everyone wants to be a Carrie. Everybody knows they're a Carrie. Even if they're a staunch Miranda. You think you're a Carrie, don't they? Don't they? And it's just the truth. And this is. This is the thing. With an ensemble female cast probably even into today. I mean, you have to kind of pick a stereotype. So. And, like. And, like, magnify it so it's right in your face. Because women cannot be outside of the box. They cannot be nuanced.

[B]

No.

[A]

They have to be in this little cubicle of character traits. And then they sit there and you shove it down your throat. And you shove it down your throat. And Samantha likes to fuck and get chemical peels. And you shove it down your throat. And you shove it down your throat. Did I say Miranda? I meant Samantha. And then Charlotte has standards for herself. We get it. And you shove it down your throat. And you shove it down your throat. It sounds. And it sounds like you also have Standards for yourself and that I am happy for. And Miranda is a lesbian and she obviously gets paid the least because they always make her the ugliest. She has like some kind of a rash sometimes she has braces other times. And they shove it down, they throw and they shove it down your throat. She's the ugly, ugly duckling lesbian in one three dimensional box. It's not even 3D. It's actually, I take it back. It's 2D. It's not even 3D print, it's 2D. But we are all Carrie's. The literary, the, the, the. The longing for love. The quite stylish, the ballerina legs, the star of the show. We're not all Carrie were a mixture of everything. We take a little bit here because this isn't real life. This is just the way we have to portray women on tv. So. So the masses understand love. Girls, they were like this too. They were all the stereotypes and then put together. As for everyone wanting to be a Carrie, I am a Carrie. I don't even want to. It chose me. I am getting paid to write. Can you believe? Can you believe? I like the sound of that. But it's like I keep saying it, but I like, I could use another advance. I was doing the math yesterday and it's just like, it's just not adding up because I feel like I'm missing after all the advances. And even when I publish the book, it's like I'm missing a lot of money. So when will the money come? I would just like a little bit, a little incentive. I mean, all day, every day, someone just DM me on my Instagram like, oh, you can see because I said something about Eve Babbitts and she has some of her like pictures and stuff from her house on display at the Huntington Library. I was like, oh, where's the Huntington Library? Because I really want to write in a library to, you know, one get away from the cigarettes. I'm like, on. But I like, I can't. I can't stop smoking as I'm writing. They just like don't go hand in hand too. How do I get to the Huntington Library? I want like inspiration, you know, I want to sit in a Harry Potter hall. I want to see what a different scenery does to me. But you have to apply and be some kind of researcher. So I said I was a researcher of poetry and prose and that I'm writing a book of poetry and they let me in. So I can't wait to see. So anyways, I Am a Carrie. And what would I pick out of her closet? Miranda. Miranda, come out of the closet already. We know you're gay. We know she's gay. And that just like that. But we're talking about. But that's only. That's only because we made her gay. As like the supporting audience or they should have made her gay back then. Okay. 2 Iconic soap operas collide in a high stakes showdown. Beyond the Gates and Young and the Restless come together for a must see CBS crossover event. The drama reaches new heights as powerful families long held secrets and unexpected alliances. Collagen packed with love and betrayal. This crossover event changes everything. Don't miss the beyond the Gates and Young and the Restless crossover event all this week on CBS and streaming on Paramount.

[B]

Gabby, how are we navigating getting sued by our ex of nine months. Long? Long story short, we dated for nine months. She moved into my apartment two months into a stating wanted to break the lease and get a bigger place for all of like us and our dogs and we ended up breaking up like a week into our new lease and now she's suing me for debt occurred during the relationship but I paid for all the rent and bills at the other place. So how are we navigating this girly pop?

[A]

Suing. Suing for a breakup is absolutely mental. You can't just sue because you don't like them anymore. It's not. You are deluded. You're not living on this planet. You're on one of those Keplers, those other earth like planets with. With I guess a more lenient judicial system that doesn't support breakups ever. So if somebody breaks up with you, you can sue. She needs to go to that planet and if she can't make it, then we got to get this on. Judge Judy. I have to see this live. Are you kidding me? Judge Judy is going to rip her to shreds in her Brooklyn accent. No, no. Judge Judy says no, you broke the lease. She paid for everything. No, she's gonna say how does she even like sue? Did she like type up her own. She like use chat GPT to type up her own papers and like hired a TaskRabbit to serve you. Like how. How is she actually suing? And I say do it. I say do it. And we'll get Robbie to represent you in civil court because she's always been. She's always wanted to be a representative in civil court. Also, it doesn't sound like your ex girlfriend who has incurred all this debt can occur incur the finances Needed to sue. She sounds like a broke, penniless, missing farthing. Coin lists, debt collectors calling of a bank account. And these people just cannot afford to sue. So I would say I. I dare ya. I dare ya. And see if Judge Judy is still on the air and taking any requests because, like, literally would love to see this play out live. Okay. All right, I think this is the last one. Okay. You have to get ready for Hawaii. I didn't. I couldn't shower because Robbie was still sleeping. I just put on some powder, but I'm literally. I can. I'm sweating like the spray. Dan is crying off my mustache.

[B]

Hi, Gabby. I want to share a story about my ex boyfriend. We were together for about four months and it was the worst four months of my entire life. He turned out to be really emotionally abusive and narcissistic and just not a good person. A week before we broke up, he slammed the door in my face. He yelled at me in public in the gym. And then he called me stupid to my face. And then when I was trying to get in my car so that we could, you know, leave to go back to his apartment, he said, he slammed the door, my car door, and then said, don't worry about it. I'll just get an Uber. And then walked off back to the gym. That was a little bit ago. I can't remember when, but we broke up in January. It's June now, so fast forward to now. I get my pap smear turn. Turns out I tested positive for chlamydia, bacterial vaginosis and a yeast infection. The last time I had sex was with him in January. So yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God. Can you believe you guys? Sometimes, well, I don't actually feel, but sometimes I wonder if the public is getting sick and tired of me just, you know, saying the truth about men. I can't even. I can't even really talk shit on them. But this is the state of us. This is the state of our society. Look at how many voicemails are calling complaining that this is what we have to deal with. I am so sorry again for your clamitic plight. This guy is insufferable. He never deserved to breathe your same air. And this is why he's so aggressive and aggro and narcissistic, is because the chlamydia is eating away at his frontal lobe. It's get. It's eating his vans deference from the inside out. And so the flesh. The flesh is going to stick out, you know, like a necrotizing fasciitis. And then he will lose his dick. He will. Will be castra. Castrated. So don't think. Do not think karma and fate is not coming for him, because it is. And until then, you, Venmo, request him for the emotional damages and the bills that he's caught that he's caused and getting your swabbed and. And all the. The stomach dropping into your times thry assaulted pussy, which it's like we've all been there. It's like it's so normal. This is. Do not feel any shame about it. It's obviously completely his fault anyways. You Venmo him the medical bills and then you call the IRS and tell him he hasn't been paying his taxes. And then you call the IRS and tell him he hasn't been paying his taxes. And I bet he hasn't. This guy, this. This chlamydia of the cerebellum doesn't know how to use TurboTax. I can tell you that for sure. He's never logged into H R Block. No, because the chlamydia can get in the way. A dirty dick can get in the way of paying your taxes. It happens all the time and we know it. And we can use the men of the IRS against the men. He's. He's wasting all of his tax dollars on the gym where he uses it as a public place to. To yell at a woman. I don't think so. He'll have an auditor at his door in one second because he's not abiding by the law. No. And then he'll have to. And then he'll really be out of money. That if he ever finds out he has chlamydia, he won't even be able to treat it himself. And then it'll probably eat to his butthole. And then he can't fuck all the dudes that he wants to on the side. Anyways, thank you so much for your calls. I really do love these episodes and I have a lot more. So I. Maybe I'll sprinkle them in to other episodes. Thank you guys literally for being so. I'm like, not even kidding, but it's gonna vulnerable with me. I just am feeling really grateful

[B]

for

[A]

you, but mostly for Hawaii. So that's it. I will see you guys soon on the other side of the Pacific when I'm there and back. All right. All right. Tata. Do you love hair raising? Allegedly true stories about the paranormal. Then you should summon the podcast Scared to Death. It's the popular horror series with more than 60 million downloads to its name and is co hosted by me, Dan Cummins and me, Lindsay, co host and also Dan's wife. Each week on Scared to Death, we share bone chilling tales from old books and creepy corners of the Web, and even some submitted by our listeners, all designed to make you want to sleep with the lights on. Think you can handle the horror? Tune in to Scared to Death every Tuesday at the stroke of midnight to find out.

[B]

The new Strawberry Watermelon Refresher is now at McDonald's.

[A]

It's made with strawberries and a whole lot of whimsy. It's one of many new drinks now at McDonald's. Refreshers contain caffeine.