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The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Let me get my drink, shall I? My ears are plugged because as you notice in my voice, it's a little more nasally than you. I have a respiratory infection, a flur of sorts, a blur flir I'm adjusting. So I'm recording late. My producers are gonna have my head. They're gonna have it on a platter. Okay? Okay. But I couldn't record because I was fevering. I was febrile. I broke a fever last night in a pile of sweat. Have you ever done that? Woke up in your own filth? My sweatpants were soaked. Before that I was writhing in a body ache, wallowing in self pity because Robbie's nowhere to be found in San Francisco. So I had to take care of myself. You guys know what I'm talking about. So anyways, welcome back to another episode of Long Winded. The Grammys were last night, so by the time this comes out, it might be old news. But obviously I have some to say. Obviously I have a lot to. And you know, I'm going to say something about Sabrina and it's not going to be good. But I will start out on a positive note, even though I hate to be positive around here. Don't come here looking for a good time. Come here to be upset. Come here for unpopular opinions. Come here with a bunch of shit talk. I never claim to be right. I never claim to be right. In fact, I'm ready to be wrong. You could never. Yes, you could. Yes, you could. You can do it. I have my perverts on. I have my perverts on. Because we will be diving deep into pervert culture. But I am a palatable pervert. And we're gonna get into the sick, disgusting freaks. Think of my level of pervert. Times it by a hundred. And that's what we're gonna talk about today. But first, the Grammys. Okay, so it was really nice of the Grammys to. To produce these high quality commercials for local businesses in Altadena. It's the least they could do. You want to know how much they make? I have no clue. But I'm thinking of billions. So it's the least they could do for the LA community. And then they had that stupid ass QR code, which Trevor Noah. That's the only thing he said. That's the only thing he said while hosting the Grammys. Why is it Nikki Glaser hosting? Why isn't she hosting everything beyond me. But the QR code raised. Raised $7 million. It might seem Like, a lot. But that's one house in the Palisades. One singular home. Maybe three houses in Altadena. Do you know how much they're going real estate is going for these days? Untenable, Untenable. But they're rebuilding, and it was nice of them to do that. And honestly, it was maybe the best Grammys I've ever seen. Granted, it's the only one I've seen start to finish, but this is. Is the year for music. Thank God. We need it. We need it. We've needed nothing more. Something that encourages you to get up there and shake your ass. So I don't. I don't want to really go too in, but I am ahead of the curve just like I was now, don't I? I've never been a JLo, Stan. With that being said, she looked incredible. I don't know what kind of the substance, what kind of fountain of youth she's drinking from, but I'd like some. Her face is flawless. Her outfit, I don't know. Her and Casey Musgraves were giving Jacques Penne on the top, Giovanni on the bottom. You guys remember Dorinda? You remember her when Luann, Countess Luann had her cabaret. I was about to say cabernet, and she didn't say, thank you to Dorinda for using all those Giovanni fits. So Giovanni. So Dorinda was in the audience only screaming, giovanni, Giovanni. Giovanni. With a subtle slur from too many Martin. That's our girl. That's what Casey and JLO were wearing on the bottom. Anyways, JLO looked incredible, but I was ahead of the curve. I never really got behind it. And this is where I am in Sabrina. Okay. Okay. I like her personality. I do. I think she's funny. I think. I think she has a good voice. I think she's trying to be a 1950s Charlie XCX, but it's not hitting, okay? And whatever, whatever, stylist, creative director suggested she wear opa fake shiny pantyhose. Jail. You deserve jail time. We're not doing that anymore. She's like, I just get to be myself. I'm like, yourself is not Marilyn Monroe. We've seen it so many times. She wanted to be quirky and a comedy queen during her Grammy performance, but it's like, what is going on here? We've seen this set a million times, and that is not tap dancing in your Louboutins. You can't tap dance in those. I know. Coming from a dancer who has never tap dance anyways, I won't go on. I won't go on. Because she also gaslit us with the rat man. And look how that ended. It crashed and burned. He had to get off social media. So anyways. But all of the other performances. Oh, my God. Can you believe Chapel Roan? She did it again. She's thrashing, she's doing the splits, she's crawling on the floor. All. All while singing straight into the mic. You couldn't hear Sabrina Carpenter. You couldn't. The decibels were low and I don't think we can blame it on the microphone. Okay, but Chapel Roan, you could really hear. She sings like an angel. I saw a clip of her that was like, I want to wear blue eyeshadow because sex workers wear blue eyeshadow. I'm like, same. She's like, everything I do is a political statement to break me out of the box. I'm only wearing blue eyeshadow from now on because I have something to say via a tarte palette. Incredible. And then we move on to Dochi. Are you kidding? I think she's like the Chapel Roan of rap. Just completely out of the box. Oh, like if you have not seen Denial is a river. The music video. What are you doing? Why are you living? It's a masterpiece. And her dancing also giving head to toe. Tom Brown. Hello. And all her backup dancers doing the splits on these dudes. Heads into a front tuck. I mean. I mean, there are no words. Her acceptance speech, truly, truly making history. And then we go into Benson Boone, his rip away assisted by none other than Nikki Glaser. Finally, I girl gets some screen time like she deserves. She deserves the whole world. And Heidi Klum, we can't forget about her. And they ripped away. They ripped away his coming out. I didn't know he was gay, but his jumpsuit said it all. His blue sparkly jumpsuit pulled up so tight he had a moose knuckle. And he did adjust it at the end. And I appreciate that. I appreciate that everyone's front tucking. He also got onto the piano and did a full front tuck and landed on his feet. What a risk. He's an acrobat. Like, did you even expect into the Teddy swims into the Shaboozy. Shaboozy has incredible style. It looked like he was head to toe in Bodhi, one of Robbie's favorites. And then the closer, they would keep us around. All Grammys, all extended. It was like, it ends at 8. No, it ends 8:30. No, 8:45. No, 9:00. We saved our girl, Charlie XCX, she is. She is a role model our dads would never understand. Never understand a woman partially clothed, draped in fur, with a coke addiction, singing about it at the top of her lungs. So she's relatable? She was the realest thing at the Grammys. Starting outside with the brat cult behind her and just having a rave on stage, crawling around and giving the unused garments two victims of domestic violence. Are you kidding? She has a message. It was just a huge party. It's like this is what the Grammys need. That's why I can't with Sabrina. Because she's not relatable. Nobody's doing that. Everyone wants to be Charlie XCX. She's making our 13 year old dreams come true. I want to shake my ass to auto tune. I feel seen in a matching bra. Underwear set the rushing around. I'll never step foot in the club. But this gives me hope. Maybe I can one day. It's not too late to develop my much needed coke addiction. If this is how it ends, count me in. But I can't with anxiety. You guys know me. I'm on way too much gabapentin and lamictal. I upped my dose again because I have this thing called pmdd. I thought it was a hoax. The whole time I would hear I have pmdd. No, you have a personality disorder. Join the club. Your personality distorts as the onset of blood flow from the uterine lining excretes from your pussy. Wouldn't it change anyone's personality? But when it's extreme, when it's too much of a shift, it's called pmdd. My psychiatrist said I'm certifiably diagnosed and gave me an article which I will never read. Something about the luteal phase and the surge of estrogen. So she prescribed me Celexa based on. I don't know if you guys listened to the Brooke episode, but we were talking about the Paxil of it all. How it gives you incredible confidence. Almost too much. I wanted to go for Paxil, but I didn't know who I'd become. I don't know if you could handle it. I'm already making brazen decisions. Can you imagine what I would do with even more audacity? I'd end up behind bars and I'd have the cell designed to a T. Vintage designer. You bet your ass. You bet your ass. I'd be in a cell. But it'd be chic after a dose up. Okay, we're done. And this is how I knew I have pmdd because I didn't believe it for. For a second. And then Robbie had to help give me some insight because I turn into Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling in the Notebook. I am too. I am split. I am pre menstrual, duh, disordered. Because I'm hitting him, freaking out, and then I'm hitting myself. I don't know what's going on. I turn into some kind of a monster sister. Why am I picking this fight? Feeling like I'm ignored, but you're with me every second of the day. I can't help but take things personally. She's like, you're not happy unless I'm in your brain and can read your thoughts. I'm like, obviously. Is that too much to ask? I need to be fully and completely understood. And sometimes I do not have the vocabulary to explain my deep depression and loneliness. The dark cloud that follows me everywhere. My experience is different. And we're. And when you're on YouTube, I'm not connecting with you. And I don't want to watch with you because you're watching videos on Yakutia and they've gone downhill. And it doesn't matter that you talk to me every time I try and interrupt. It doesn't matter that you give me nice kisses. Do you even like me? I turn into toxic. I turn into toxicity. But also, there's a sick part of me that likes it. Ah. Because it reminds me of my childhood. So how am I supposed to break that? With Celexa. With Celexa, right after ovulation, which is coming up soon, and I need to book it to Walgreens. Who knows when they're going to take it away from me. That's the first step after this. So I said, fine, fine. I have pmdd. Fine. I take back everything I ever said about it invalidating women. I didn't mean to. It was before I was educated. I'm allowed. I'm allowed to change my mind. Of course PMDD is real. Of course ADD is real. No, I don't think they're over prescribed. I'm clawing for the chance to get on, to get a taste of a Ritalin. I am also add. I'm every D you can think of. Besides a double D, which is tragic that I'm not, because it's who I am. Meant to be. Okay, Dr. Sears. Okay, Dr. Seuss. Why don't you chill out? You guys know I'm out here banging. I'm doing the deed, Robbie. And I are bumping bellies. Let's just admit it. Normally I politely demand a massage. She's getting incredibly good at them. And then we proceed to get freaky. But a lot of times we want to spice things up. We want to change it up. And who says long term relationships have to be predictable? Aria turned been there, done that into who? Let's do that again. I'd love to introduce you to Aria, a service for couples that makes it easy to break out a routine, deepen emotional connection and energize their relationship with curated experiences call scenes. You will also receive access to the Aria concierge who is like your relationship's wingman, a real person who feels out your vibe and serves up spicy monthly recipes for two. Plus hand picked premium items delivered discreetly to your door. It's super simple to get started. Just take a short quiz about your relationship and the concierge will provide everything you need to connect and play. It's great, honestly. Aria takes away the mental load of figuring out how to spice things up by doing the work for you and sending you everything you need. Valentine's Day is coming up. Robbie and I are planning to spend a romantic vacation in New York. So this would be a perfect time to honestly try new things. And truly, I'll try anything once and if I like it twice in Aria, I like twice. It's not just a box. A lifestyle change to prioritize the most important relationship in your life. Every piece of the scene experience is designed to be interacted with and shared. Couples often use the concierge to learn more about their preferences, which we could all we could all use a little help with. Adults need playtime too. Aria is just what you need for your Valentine with expert crafted experiences that are totally personalized with zero guesswork. Make every date night Valentine's Day with Arya by your side. Visit A r y a dot FYI and use code GABBY WENDY for 15 off today. Hi everyone, I'm Peyton Sartin, host of the Note to Self podcast. Note to Self is a space to embrace your unique qualities, get grounded, and ultimately have honest conversation. No topic is off limits. I began doing social media seven years ago and since then I've started a clothing line and this podcast, Note to Self, is a place where people from every stage of life can come for advice, new perspectives, and to feel a little less alone. Whether I'm recording by myself or bringing along a friend, we will explore topics ranging from relationships and mental wellness to social media and entrepreneurship. Tune in to Note to Self every week for the sisterly advice you didn't know you needed and raw conversations you've always wanted. Okay. Anyways, so now that's that when Olivia Rodrigo was like. I was friends with Chapel Roan since she was working at a donut shop in Highland Park. Oh, she's one of us. I'm in the good old HP where I have seen Olivia Rodrigo and her dad eating dinner right next to me. Finally, the east side gets some recognition. Oh, you're too far east. What is this neighborhood? It's Chapel Roan's neighborhood. And Tennessee in Missouri. She's like, I gotta get out of Tennessee. I'm like, I thought you were from Missouri. But it's better for the lyric. She's a lyrical genius. Sometimes you gotta fib a little to make it work. Anyways, she's incredible. And much like epis. Other episodes, this episode is. Is encompassed by my mental illness. I hate to call it mental health. I'm like, I talk about my depression a lot when I'm in these meetings. They're like, yeah, mental health. I'm like, no, there's nothing healthy about my mental. It's illness. So I went back to see Carol after about a couple months. If you're new here, Carol is my therapist. Her eyes go two different ways. I've said it once, I've said it before, it gives her a better assessment because she can see 360 and I loved her. I always compliment her outfit and she's very grateful. She looked like a 70 year old chic Jewish lumberjack. I'm like, hello. Hello, Carol. Am I attracted to you? Because this is my type. Anyway, she's like, it's been a while. I'm like, you're telling me? You're telling me. Where do I start? Immediately, she's like, are you safe? I'm like, yeah. I'm like, are you safe? She's like, yeah. By the skin of my teeth. It was a block away. She's like, do you want to know the skinny? I'm like, I only have 50 minutes with you and I've been having weird dreams. So I don't know. I don't know if I can sacrifice 10 minutes on the skinny. Nonetheless, we get into it. Her trainer was affected devastatingly. Her trainer, who does house calls and has a house in the Palisades. Okay. I'm like, oh, my God, could she find a place to live? She's like, oh, yeah. She works out of a rental down the street. Down the street in the neighborhood where rich therapists live. Okay, so I think she's okay. She's like, yeah. And she's like, but here's the process. First, they have to go through all of the grounds and clear out the explosives. I'm like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. The arsonists are planting IEDs. They're planting landmines. Like Laos. Have you guys ever heard of Laos? There's landmines. I think it. It still kills people once a day. You don't know where to step. I'm like, oh, my God, is this LA terrorism? She's like, no, it's the Tesla batteries. I'm like, here we go, ruining our lives again. Committing domestic terrorism. I don't know if I can say that on YouTube. Here we go again. I'll never get monetized, but that's okay because I have to maintain my integrity. The Tesla batteries are ruining society. So government workers, who we know are not supported by the government, because what's our government? It's an oligarchy. I just learned what that is. But it's when only a select few billionaires siphon all the money into their yachts, into their islands, and leave us with nothing disgusting. We need to get them to fly, to fight, to implode. And I think Donald Trump and Elon Musk are already having a Twitter battle. So it is beginning. It is possible. So the Tesla batteries, the government workers who are not supported with benefits, what's their health care? I don't know. They have to go blow up these Tesla batteries and be exposed to some kind of uranium or something worse. That's going to cause them to grow a third kidney, taking over and making the other two kidneys ineffective. So we end up on hemodialysis by the time of 60. This is what the Tesla batteries are doing to us. No, no, they can't be. But they are. So Tesla's out, Kia's in. My good friend traded in her Tesla for a Kia. She loves it. It's roomy, it's spacious, it has all the. What do you call it? Add ons of the Tesla, has the lane sensors. It can basically drive itself. It has a huge map screen, but you don't have to take your time and tap on the screen with your address. You got it in your Google Maps. It's not enough. You have to. You have to on the Tesla map before you can go anywhere. Are you kidding? I'm already 12 minutes late, and this is gonna take another three. So we're done with them. Out with the Teslas, in with the Kias. Do you Understand? I hope so. So that's what she said. That's what Carol said they have to do. Then what else was I gonna say about the kidney? Oh, yeah, enough about the kidney. We know how that ends. Peritoneal dialysis nightly. They're not eligible for a transplant because now their blood is filled with uranium. AB positive uranium. There's going to be a match for that? I don't think so. So what are we going to conserve? So conservation is still in. So we're still worried about conservation when the Tesla batteries are ruining our lives? I don't think so. I don't think so. I'll recycle when they make the last Tesla all recycle. When that billionaire family in Northern California stops making their pomegranate juice and pistachios, which I am a huge fan of and I will keep them in business myself. That pomegranate juice is really high in antioxidants. And it's high in all your water. It's taking all your water, my local fountain, going straight to the pomegranate seeds, into the juice, into your fridge. And we're worried about conservation. Oh, and the pistachios. I was in a group full of people. I was in a room, a group full of people in a group full. And I was in a room full of people in my living room. It was way past lunch, we needed a snack, so I brought out the pistachios. Like this is the brand of the family that's taking all of the water. And their hands were bloody, bloody and grubby. They were taking handfuls. They weren't even breathing in between handfuls of pistachios. I'll start recycling. I'll start recycling when they're taken down to the ground. And I don't think it's anytime soon. Nothing like a Perrier in the morning to eat away at your stomach lining. And as you guys know, I love the pain. Eat away, eat away. I don't care. What is there to live for with these Tesla batteries and pomegranate company. Back to the mental illness of it all. I'm terrorizing my psychiatrist again. Surprise, surprise. It's because she finds me entertaining. It's because she gives in and she gives me the validation. Oh, you think I'm funny? Listen to this. You wouldn't prescribe me volume, so I got the Mexican kind. I went to law, pharmacia picked up the value along with some diflucan. You ever had a yeast infection so bad that the yeast started to Rise and make a sourdough in your pussy. All because you fucked a dirty dick. Probably your brother who doesn't wash his privates because you're taking up all the bathroom time. And take up the bathroom time because I support women. Also, it's gonna hurt me in the end because he can't wash his yeasty appendage. That's most likely micro. You ever have a yeasty like that? Well, that's why you need some Diflucan. I stocked up and I also stocked up on prednisone. You guys know. You guys know I have a thing for steroid. People are like, being careful. Be careful. You think I don't know what I'm with? You've underestimated. Underestimated me. Yeah. It can decrease your immune system. Yeah. Can make your. It can make your thin skin. Your skin thin. Will sign me up. Because what's the point of living. When your disc slipped out of. Climbing out of a level four tanning bed because you have to spend three minutes in there to open up your pores before your spray tan. Your disc slipped right out of its cage. One wrong move, it can crawl up to your thoracic cervical spine. And then there you are, a vegetable in the living room on a ventilator because you're too much of a light to let go. So your family's gonna hold on forever. That's what happens when a disc gets too out of hand. You're one slip away from Stephen Hawking on Epstein's Island. So. So that's what happened to me. So I had to crawl out of the tanning bed just so. A twinge of pain. Restricted movement. What's going on? I need to pull up my Nike Swiss shorts and go to dance practice. But I can't bend. So I'm this close to asking the tanning concierge to scream. To scream for the tanning concierge to help me pull up my shorts. But I look down in a full bus just staring back at me. What do you do? What do you do when you're in this dismal tanning room? You know what I'm talking about. That's also very inviting. Something about the dopamine and vitamin D and risk of melanoma that really gets you excited. But then I remember. Then I remember the tanning concierges aren't always the most helpful. No. Because I had to wait for my bed to be clean while she took a call from what I'm assuming is her frat boy boyfriend in the back of Course I'll wait. Oh, and then. Oh, and then the Versa spray tan is broken so I have to go in and do the mystic when we all know it makes you too orange. And I can't be too orange when we're taking on the Titans this Sunday. No, I need the right amount of brown. Let me in the Versa. Let me in there. I'm actually quite the plumber and well versed in YouTube. I can put the accordion pipe back together to get me the perfect shade to shake my ass in front of 77,000 people. Yeah, I'm gonna bend over and do the snake up. And I hope my cameraman is getting the crotch shot because by now I would have shaved my full bush. Somehow. Somehow with the right movement in my long extremities, I was able to get dressed and I had to go to the only available chiropractor in town who also happened to be a pervert. Full circle to these glasses right here. Of course he's a pervert. He stood right behind me, right behind me to show me my hips were uneven while sticking his little dick into my butt crack. Fully clothed, thank God. And what are you supposed to do? The only car. Don't get me started on chiropractors. You don't want to know. You don't want to know because the only chiropractors I've been to are perverts. A doctorate. A doctorate in sexual harassment. What are you gonna cop a feel? Always. And you gotta let em because I need my hamstring dry needled so I can kick my face in 10 pound cowboy boots so I don't get yelled at by my choreographer for having shitty kicks. This is what women endure. This is our plight. This is our cross to bear. A doctor. A doctor. I don't know. And then it's like. Have you ever seen a woman chiropractor? No, because they're in acupuncture. A questionable medicine, but it comes from the heart. It comes from the heart. There's more compassion, there's less risk. Also, ask them to stay away from your neck and shoulders. I did have a friend who. Whose acupuncturist collapsed that. Nope, it was a chiropractor practice. Practicing acupuncture. Dropped her lung. Popped her lung. She had to get a chest tube in the hospital at a mere 30 something years old. I went to go see her on my lunch break. She was green. I don't know what kind of color she turned from her hypoxia from living off of one lung. And this is what we're dealing with. And then I called my friends, and they said. They said I was being dramatic. Dramatic? Have you ever had a slip disc? Have you ever had to run around town in a hologram Broncos T shirt and matching shorts? I don't think so. But this is where my addiction to prednisone began because I had already gotten to an urgent care. I was crying because we had to go to a Hall of fame game, and he called it a dance competition. Okay, okay, whatever. And then I had to go to the chiropractor, who's probably. Who's probably. When he put his dick on me, just scared my little disc back into its cage. That's the only thing he did for me. So now every time I go to Mexico, I make sure I have some on hand. I also got some Ritalin, which tempts me every day because I cannot go down that route. It'll make me severely anxious, and I don't want to take it. I don't want to take it and be the funniest I've ever been here. No. Because then I'm dependent. And then I'll have to let you know that I'm clean off it. And you're gonna say she's not as funny. She was funnier on stimulants. I can't. I can't. That is something I cannot have. Oh, my God, you guys, I might have to. I might have to take a break and blow my nose. This respiratory sinus is bright green. That's never a good sign. One second, and just like that, I'm back. I had to blow my little button nose, the one good thing my mother ever gave me. And then I was also talking to my psychiatrist because she was still very timid about prescribing me Valium. I was like, I'm afraid. I'm afraid, doctor. A real doctor, mind you. I'm scared. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of my thoughts. I'm scared of people. And I'm scared of a text message when I'm high. I can't live like this. You don't want to know what my thoughts say to me right before bed. They're telling me to shave my head. Excuse me? Get out of there. What do you mean, shave my head? I have this gorgeous mane, and you want me to shave it off? My thoughts are asking me to test myself. Will anybody still love you with the buzz cut? All our what's her nuts and Empire records right in front of the mirror. I don't Know I can't listen to those. Please help me. Help me. I'm scared of a phone call. I have business hours. I should not be receiving calls after the hours. After the hour of 3pm, I am best between 10 and 2. If you have to make it a little later, that's okay. I operate. I'm the most confident between 10am and 2pm and yes, this light is flickering. I'm trying to ignore it. I don't know what the fuck is going on on my equipment. I've had it for. I haven't even had it for a year and it's turning its back on me. Probably like. Probably like you all will one day. No, I have business hours. What are you doing calling me after 3pm? I've lost all my confidence. I've just had lunch. I'm lethargic. I've been exhausted since the moment I woke up. I need a break. You want to have a creative call? Over my dead body. Send me an email with Google Slides. You want to have a FaceTime at 9pm I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a dull chopstick. I don't think so. So finally she gave it to me. And I'm taking phone calls all day and I'm even responding to text messages. There's a couple people I feel comfortable texting when I'm high. I cannot. If someone wants something from me, I can't put it together in my flighty little brain. What could you possibly want outside of business hours? Please make it wait till tomorrow when I'm sober and can think about this clearly, because I'll forget. I'll forget what I'm talking about. I want to make a joke. I want to laugh. I want to disassociate. After 3pm, this is my time to rest and recharge. This is when the creative juices are flowing with Real Housewives season six playing for five hours straight. I need inspiration from Sonia Morgan. This is where I get my best illusions. And you know, with the business hours and I'm 10 to 3. I'm 10 to 3. Like that amazing organic restaurant in Silver. Like that's never open. And Google cannot keep keep up with their hours. Every time you go, the doors are closed. Oh, you're closed. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, you're open from 12 to 1 and 5 to 6. Must be nice to sustain on nothing. On nothing. No money. You're not making any money. Sustain on no food, you're not making any food. There's no chefs in there. You never open your Doors for them to come to sustain on. No patrons, no patronage. You have no community. Because every time I. Every time I come, I get hit with the glass door. It must be nice, Botanica, to live your life like this. This is my goal. But I don't have such luck. I need a lot to sustain. Then I guess I'll leave you with this. Give me a second. I've heard this discussion online that I body shame men. So here I will double down. Why do only boys snore? What is it about their body that has turned on them to make them breathe so uncontrollably and loudly that they vibrate the whole bed and reverberate off the walls? There's no woman who snores. Maybe by mother, but we understand that she is the exception on a lot of things. Where do we go from here? You have me in a predicament because the boy always fall asleep. Always falls asleep faster. So now it's your job to make sure that he wakes up in the morning by counting his breaths because he'll stop breathing for a good 20 seconds. And you have to stand by to see if you have to call 91 1, because you're not giving him mouth to mouth with that dirty, crusty, open mouth. Who knows what kind of bacteria is festering? No, we have to wait for the ambulance to come. Now I can't even fall asleep because the earplug is not plugging out the low, aggressive decibel that you continue to snore. So what then? So what then what? A CPAP saved my relationship, they say. Oh, no. Oh, no. I had a friend who was with someone who needed a CPAP immediate ick. I don't think so. But I gotta look at you every night. I'll have no choice but to unplug it. We can't live like this. There's. It was. This was gonna be your destiny either way. So I might as well take things into my own hands. You're done for. I can't. Look at this accordion filled with oxygen. Not if I can't partake. Maybe if it was filled with laughing gas. Maybe. Maybe my first favorite drug. I have scoured Reddit for ways to get my dirty little paws on laughing gas. It's not easy. Also one reason I'm dying to get plastic surgery. It's time for me to be sedated. I would like to experience sedation. I had it once when maybe I was 17. And now I'm addicted now. I love it. I'll go through the depths of Hell, to get me on some laughing gas. But no, this is pure oxygen. So what? Maybe we separate. Maybe we sleep in different bedrooms, different apartments. Different apartments so I don't have to listen to you farting in your basketball shorts, eating all the leftovers. No, you can't have seconds. Look at yourself. Look at yourself. Your belt's getting tight while your body is turning on you. I'm feeding our child with my titty. Who makes the nourishment to feed our child? And the only thing your body does is try and kill you every night. Maybe this is God's way of punishing the men. But like everything else, the women suffer in the end with the snore. No, you need a sleep study. You need to be hooked up to a cardiac monitor and watched by a nurse all night. And she's not gonna like what she sees. I'm gonna tell you that right now. No, because it's terrifying to put anyone in that position, even a trained medical professional. She's on the edge of her seat waiting to code blue. Start compressions. Because. Because your sinuses don't work. Why is it always you? Why are you doing this to me? It's like. It's like it's only the men. And on that note, thank you for coming. Please, dear God, leave me five stars. Please, dear God, show all of your friends. Show all of your husbands. I have a lot of husband fans, and I appreciate you immensely. Everything I'm saying is bullshit. I don't believe one word of it. Okay? I also am a misogynist. I'm just like you. Whatever you are. I am not. Not. Okay. Well, come back again next week on an episode of Long Win. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.