← Long Winded with Gabby Windey
Long Winded with Gabby Windey
Details of Mr President's spray tan and the elusive prostate exam
00:50:05
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- [00:01]
Gabby Windey
The following podcast is a dear media production. Here we are. Thought you got rid of me. Not so fast. 52 weeks and then another 52 more they want out of me. The sweet sound of a Diet Coke eroding my esophagus in the interior lining of my stomach. What am I supposed to do? Not enjoy? What am I supposed to do? Cut out everything acidic to not have a burp every 15 minutes of the day? Well, no, because I like buffalo coated cauliflower. How else am I supposed to get the nutrients from a flower that is collie if it's not draped in that of a buffalo? And welcome back to another episode of Long Winded. Thank you for being here time and time again. As you may or may not know, I'm wearing nuuly a more casual today. But if you want one way to elevate a casual shirt. You just gotta turn on the headlights and then all of a sudden it's Chicago. I got a dm. I got a DM that read I'm watching Traders with my mother and she loves how bouncy your hair is, but she hates that you never wear a bra. Well, to that I say this is music to my ears. Encouragement, enabling the braless the freedom of the nipple, which we're still begging for today as evidenced by the dm. But. But the front of the shirt is not the star of the show. If you take a look at the back, if you take a look at the back, it's French, it's giving croissant, it's giving a ciggy in the plaza of the Eiffel Tower. Maybe there with a cup of a cappuccino. But if you want something cold, a timeless cross cultural Diet Coke. Ah, yes, yes, I said I prefer a Pepsi Zero. But then I had a Diet Pepsi. I didn't hit the same as a Diet Coke. Maybe the Diet Coke is somewhat of a nostalgia. So I'll go for the Diet Coke between the hours of 12 and 3 and I'll go for a Diet Pepsi in the evening. A Pepsi Zero. What am I, Addison Rae? What do I look like? A flexible 20 year old? What do I look like? A contortionist? She does things with her body that you could ever dream of, not me, because I can't. At one point in my life I could. So here we are. So here we are again. You know, I needed a pick me up today because I woke up and I looked in the mirror and something looked back at me. Something of a. Who's that guy from Chicago? The clown In Chicago. I know I've said Jack Nicholson before, but I. I am most likable. My likability lends itself to John C. Reilly. That's who's looking back in the mirror at me today. What's all over my. What's all over my face besides the pimples staring back at me? A white head. How am I supposed to keep my wife. I'm breaking out. I feel ugly because. Because I'm working hard at a new addiction called nicotine pouches. No, I'm not selling them. Maybe I'll bleep that. But everyone. But everyone knows I'm always looking for a new addiction. I need to feel something. I need a fix. I need a buzz. As you know, I'm off the cigarettes. I have to protect my lungs from the bronchitis. Yes, I'm still fighting it. Yes, I still have to sleep with a cold diffuser every night with a little eucalyptus, peppermint, and if I'm lucky, orange tree. Months later. So here I am. It doesn't come as easy at first and you have to fight through the breakouts. But if there's one thing I am dedicated and I am driven, and that's on my seven Capricorn placements. Can you believe. No, this. No. I was born into this treach. Why don't I want to go to the party tonight? Why does it fill me with dread to come face to face with a room full of people at a chic, mind you location while I'm draped and something equally as chic? How come I can't look forward to it? I don't know. I wish I knew. I wish I could tell you. Maybe because I'm ugly. You can't tell because I put my hair in a high pony and I put an overlined lip and a gloss on and now I'm feeling like myself again. So here we go. So here we go. I did cancel my glam because. Because that is equally exhausting. I have to start my day. A two hours later, I will put on the foundation that doesn't match my neck and gives me a cast over my face so I look like Mark Zuckerberg on that boogie board. But at some point, you have to conserve your energy because. Because of your seven Capricorn placements. I'll do my best. I'll do my best. But I still have to pay my glam fee. Money lost. Money lost either way. But now I get to sip on a Diet Coke. I was asking my baby, Robbie, what should I do? Why do I feel like this is the 12 and a half of Benadryl I took last night. It can't be. She said no, baby, I think if you record, you'll actually feel better. So here I am today, today, today. With a lot on my mind. Naturally, as they do. As they do. I see Carol every Wednesday with her four eyes looking back at me, wondering where the fuck my pleasure centers went. Well, if I knew. Well, if I knew, I wouldn't be here sitting every Wednesday with the camera so far up my double chin it doesn't know what to focus on. But I need some insight from my dear friend. And then it got me thinking. What might. What might make the pleasure centers a little more pleasurable? We know how I ended up here. It's the drama. What's going to soften the blow of the childhood that is my past. And I'll tell you, an inaccessible bed of sorts. Yeah, it doesn't roll off the tongue. It doesn't make it any less efficient. And this. This is my call patent of the bed. So any of you leeches out there looking for a new business model to get you out of your everyday life, join the club. I've been researching, I've been googling, and this is. No, I haven't put it in any kind of database because I don't want to do that. Because it looks like it's a lot of effort and accessible bread and bed for the depressos for the depressives. We shall begin. Because you know what? On a Monday at 10am when the emails start pouring in like the diarrhea that comes after this Saturday night, because I don't know what the fuck you did with your intestines, but I bet it began and didn't end with an espresso martini, the tequila kind. You think that's going to go easy on your intestine? No, it's called dumping syndrome. It's got to get it out. Here we are. The emails are pouring in at 10:00am okay, okay. Let me try and look forward to something for once. No, no. Because the first step is acceptance. I've accepted who I am, but I got to spend time with the cat. So. And I go to the office. Her room, dilapidated. Dilapidated by the neglected track curtains that took a long time and a lot of energy on my behalf to figure out how the fuck it worked. Here we are in the room with my dyad. With. With. And it doesn't even matter. A comfortable IKEA chair made out of a soft brown leather that is suitable for your ergonomics this is going to make your Monday better. Cat atop the desk staring back at you. What the fuck have you been doing with your whole life with its big eyes slow blinking because luckily someone loves me. One thing. Okay, maybe I'll take a meeting, maybe not. But you know what? You know what? I'm no more productive sitting supine than I am. Let me try. You know what? I'm no more. See, I'm already 178. I said because I cannot. I can't wait until the next time that I lie down. Let me try taking a meeting in bed for once. Oh, this is it. This is the stuff. This makes me feel not alive. I've never felt that before, but at least more comfortable. I can think, I'm relaxed. I can contribute to the conversation. Not that I want to, because I have to sit through the grading of the conversation, of my ears coming from other people's voices. Let's get on for 20 minutes in silence. How about we don't speak unless spoken to and I shall not say a word. But maybe. Maybe if I was laying down, I could have something to say. At least I'll be more comfortable. I'm firing on all four. Between that and a packed nicotine pouch in the upper deck, now I can think. No, I don't need to be sitting down for this. I need to be laying down. Re accessible bed. Re accessible bed. And it was inspired. It was inspired by the hospital bed. You spend enough time in a hospital and then things start to make sense. Of course these have bed rails. Of course it has safety guard rails for when the sun starts going down and you slowly start to lose your mind. Why is my underwear on top of my head? Why am I looking in the fridge for my father's vintage pornography collection? Oh, I'm losing my mind. I'm sundowning. Somebody hit me with the Al doll. I need a bump and restrain me to the bed. No, my ganglion cyst is screaming ergonomically. Correct. Upright. No, it's not working because I'm holding so much tension in my wrists from my processing center that is my brain. And failing by this second, I cannot. I know, I know I'm looking at something, but I cannot for the life of me understand what it is. These are just words or silence. It's not making any sense when I'm upright, I'm spending. I'm spending. I'm spending. I spend on something I'm gonna wear once at an outing that I don't even want to go to. Once for a picture. On Instagram while I'm sick of it. And now, thank God, there's Nuuly. As you can see, I'm wearing an incredibly cute croissant shirt. Nuuly has clothes for any kind of events, for all kinds of occasions, trending out clothes, cute dresses, casual tops as seen here and premium jeans. Nuuly is a subscription clothing rental service for just $98 a month and you get your choice of any six styles each month. You choose whatever you want to rent for whatever you have going on. Access to thousands of styles for more than 400 brands including but not limited to two Boy Love and Lemons. Anthropology A Goldie the best jeans if you ever ask me. Free people and more. There's inclusive sizing up to 5x as well as petite and maternity fast, free shipping and returns and professional cleaning in Nuuly's state of the art laundry facility. That's what we like to hear. What about the fried rice that I have all down my shirt because there's a hole in my lips? Fear not. And the option to buy what you love at a discount. There's savings, sustainability, it's shipped and recyclable in reusable totes and it's flexible. There are no fees, late fees, damage fees or fees to pause or cancel. Nuuly is a great value at 98amonth for any six styles. But right now you can get 28 off your first month of Nuuly when you sign up with code Gabby Wendy just go to N u u L Y dot That's Nuuly with two use and enter the code Gabby Wendy and sign up to get 28 off your first month. That's n u u l y.com nuuly with 2 use with code gabby Wendy Newly subscription clothing rental Change your clothes. I'm always trying to give myself a blowout. I don't have time to travel an hour to and fro to get my hair washed and blown out. I just need to do it by myself. But you know how it goes. You do it and then your hair falls 10 seconds later before you've even gotten to take a selfie for your Instagram story. So let me introduce the all new dry bar blowout defense collection game. Changing hair products that prep for a gorgeous blowout that lasts up to 96 hours. I don't even know how many days that is and I bet you don't know either because we don't do math around here. But that's a lot of days if you're asking me. Me the blowout defense. Strengthen and extend Blowout accelerator spray cuts blow dry time by 32% while locking in styles. A total game changer when you're in a rush. Not only does it speed things up, but it also detangles and protects hair from heat. So you're styling smarter, not harder. We love to hear it. And I'm always looking for salon quality results with out the trip. Hello. I'm exhausted and I'm sick. I'm sick of rolling down the window and then my blowout is ruined. So use the blowout defense shampoo conditioner and blowout accelerator spray with your favorite dry bar tool and you have a blowout that lasts up to 96 hours. It is not get ready with me, it's stay ready with me. Get a gorgeous blowout that lasts now and shop Drybars blowout defense products@drybar.com so we get to the accessible bed. So we get to the accessible bed where we can do all of our activities. And it comes with compartments of source and great bedding. Maybe Brooklyn and maybe the Egyptian cotton from Amazon. I'll put it in the link below. Maybe. They're great sheets. It's like sleeping in a cloud, they say, which we're all going to experience one day. Because no matter what we do here, no matter if we go through the pain of being upright, we're still going to all die. And who knows if your back is going to hold up by then. No, you're still going to be in pain this sciatica because you've been laying in bed all day, you lazy fuck. I need a drink. Ah, the carbonation. The accessible bed comes with comes with a variety of compartments, the first being your computer and the keyboard, complete with a number pad and a fucking mouse. I need to rest the palm of my hand on something. I need the Support like a Dr. Scholl's insert on a shoe that just doesn't fit right. I have high arches. What can I say? It's the one thing my mother gave me besides a button nose. You should see my point. You should see the point on these suckers. It'll make you grain with envy. A compartment for the computer and the number pad. Because if I have to poke at the top of the QWERTY one more time. Okay, I'm free on a 4/12. Okay, go to the bottom. Okay. Up at 10. Caps lock P, S, T A M. Poking, poking, poking, poking, poking. I want the number pad. Have you seen. Have you seen a woman with the number pad? A force to Be reckoned with. I can. I can type in those numbers. I can do some math. Finally. Oh, my number. It's never. It's never become clearer in my head. This number pad, the 369 aligned just right now we're talking. Now I can get something done of my taxes, but I cannot without a number pad. What, are you going to tell that to the irs, Gabby, for good luck? They're already making sure your dad's home with the FedEx delivery. That cannot be a good sign. We need a compartment for the blowy. No, not that kind, you sick freak. I left that in 2021. The last time the. The first time I was on tv, I left the blowies there. I'm talking about a blow out. I need a compartment fit with a lit mirror as to blur out all my facial features so whatever staring back at me is less of a John C. Reilly and more of a Jack Nicholson. Maybe of his. Maybe of his more beautiful roles. Okay, now we're talking. Real Housewives of New York. The old seasons on in the background. It's time for a re watch. I need something of a distraction to help get me through. And it has to be Luann at her most deranged. Season 10, I think it is. She's the only thing that can keep me grounded in these Velcro, curlers, rollers that I still don't know how to work exactly right. So it gives me the perfect bounce, but not so much about. About akin to the 80s. No. I hope the 80s never comes back. I'm sorry if I'm offending anyone, but I don't think I am. The odds are back. The early 2000s are back in the 90s. Let's not. Let's not go any further than back. We do not need the 80s. They had no idea what was going on with their hair. Admittedly, sometimes in the morning I do look like the lead singer of Van Halen with the middle part. It's terrifying. But as I give my blowout in bed, I'd like to sit on something of a latex non. I don't know which kind of mattress pad is the kind I need because I'm still sleeping on the mattress I got as a nurse. And it's very firm. It's all I could afford. But it's doing great with the mattress pad, the one that is good for the environment, unlike you. What have you done with your CO2 emissions? By breathing. You know, you breathe off CO2, so. So if you wanted to do something, if you wanted to Stay green. You could hold your breath for a second, but I bet you won't. I bet you won't do us one favor and breathe a little slower. And know when you talk it's extra emissions. So don't even think. You need a compartment for your baby lying next to you so you can have her out when you want and put her away when necessary. This is the accessible bed and it is a million dollars with insurance because I am looking to retire. And ah, yes, the pleasure centers. Ah, yes, you don't. You don't have any of those because of the way you were born. Maybe in the first 10 to 15 to 20 years of your life. It has nothing to do with the oppression that comes with two medium sized titties and a hole. Has nothing to do. That has nothing to do with the capitalism that I am promoting. Because if I'm not the victim, I'm gonna be the perpetrator. And I am the both the victim and the perp. Can't wrap your head around that one, Kenya. It's hard. It's really hard because the capitalism got you down. Because this is. If I acquire one more thing, it will save me. I need that coal eyeliner because I got a tight line. They say, come on, Gabby, just let me. Tight line. No, I want my eyes to look bigger. I can't be stick. But they say I got to try. So I. So I got one from Ulta. I am a capitalist. Don't even get me started on the non retinol retinol cream that's going to save me from aging. Read the beauty standards that were placed on me. All for all because of the two titties I was born with that I have to watch sag by the day. They will point downwards at some point in my life. And who do I have to thank for that? Adam. Because he was always the problem in Adam and Eve. Why can't we just blame him for everything for. Anyways, I must retire. And it's like, obviously, obviously, I'd like to start taking my medications out in public without any kind of a glance. Without any kind of a judgmental look looking my way. Oh, what is she? Well, we don't look at anyone who needs their statin and furosemide in order to keep their heart beating, but you're gonna look at me while I have heart failure of the brain. Something isn't right. The pressure is high up top on the north end. It's high. It's stressful. Blood is barely getting through. It's not perfusing I could be some sort of an anoxic because I'm trying. On the other hand, I'm trying to get our CO2 emissions down. So occasionally I'll breathe out a little slow. There goes the ozone. I want to be able to take one half of my lamictal in coach after we've reached the level where the WI fi thing turns on and the seat belt turns off so I can get in the overhead cabin because I can't take it all at once because it makes me too tired. And you know, that's my uphill battle every day. So I have to take my medications in divisions. I got to the dinner first. I'm waiting on someone to join me, an acquaintance of sort. It's making me nervous. I gotta take a propanella. Why are you looking at me for, you nosy? What am I? Orange bottle prescriptions have anything to do with your two eyes that are becoming cross eyed? Looking in the zipper of my vintage bag? Look away. Yeah, maybe I have to take a gabapentin in the Trader Joe's because this produce aisle is giving me the heebie jeebies. I have to look. I have to look in the raspberries to make sure there's no mold. No, I can't take it anymore. What are you looking at me? So what? Maybe I have an infection. Chlamydia of the cranium. Then it would all be okay. I would just like to freely. And this is something. I'm exercising and I invite you to go along with me. I'm airing out the little orange or the big orange pill bottles in public. Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake. What's in here? A mood stabilizer? Because you don't want my mood flipping in this public area. No, you will be afraid. But I'm waiting. I'm waiting to have a meltdown. I need to have a tantrum. Oh, you think I get to do that every week with you here watching me? Well, kinda. Kinda. And what's really affecting my pleasure centers. What about the doge? Not in a way that you might think. No, no, no, I'm not gonna get in all there because why? Because you know what I do take as a personal offense is why is it pronounced doge and not dodge? Why can't. Why can't we just only make sense for once? Why can't we just do things that make sense for once? Oh, that makes too much sense. Definitely not. Let's do the opposite. We can't make it easy on everyone. Department of oh, it's not a do do. Department of. We're Canadian. We're up north. Department of. Of Government. If it should be dog A, but not Doge. What are you trying to make it? French? What are you trying to make it otherworldly and cultured, this Department of Government Efficiency. What do you. What did you take it from the bitcoin? Do only good Everyone. No, I preferred Department of Government Efficiency, honestly, because who's doing everyone good only ever? Nobody. Nobody. It's never altruistic. Don't even think. Don't even think that someone is doing something out of the kindness of their heart, because I guarantee you they're not. Yes, I'm giving my last 20 to this nice man on the corner, but it's because I want karma for my next fucking life. But if luck was on my side, I wouldn't have one. I wouldn't have one. I can't do this all again. Are you kidding? I've already done it all so many times before. You heard my past life regression. I've been here three times before. All out of scenes of of television that I've seen recently. Coincidence? I don't think so. I've been there. It's never altruistic as we know. Re CO2 emissions and mining for crypto. What are you, the crypto queen? What are you stealing from all your payers? And then you're going to disappear. And I forget what kind of country the crypto queen was. We stopped listening halfway through because it was boring. Okay, another scammer. Get in line behind me. And then there's the executive orders. There's always now everything's in Executive order. Who killed jfk? Executive order. Kid Rock and the Oval Office. Executive order. Clad in a loud red outfit in a cowboy hat with rhinestones. Executive order. Spray tans. Free spray tans for the over 70 population. Executive order. And imagine you were the spray tanologist with the task of spraying President Trump weekly. Imagine you are dealt the task to lift up his scrotum. You got to do the wraparound and do it from the front so you can get in with the perfect amount of distance from underneath the scrotum as to buff out the bronzer so it matches the cartilage of his ear, which we know doesn't match. He misses spots all the time. Imagine you were the technologist giving Trump the choreography as to not have any streaks on his level four tan. But he probably likes it because he does like to dance. Okay. Put your hands in a prayer. Okay, now bend over. Gotta get Underneath the butt cheeks. No, you have to clench. I know your sphincter's loose these days. And if you shoot a blank, I have another appointment at 5. I cannot go to the urgent care for the early onset of pink eye. I cannot afford convun, confuncy, itis, or conjunctivitis from your loose. Okay, now hold it. And 3, 2, 1, and 0. Let me back up. Away to the right. Now let it loose, Mr. Trump. Is it that protein shake? Is it the Ensure? We gotta talk to your dietitian. You have got to lay off those. There's feces in the air. You take a break and come back. Okay, now lift the heel. And five, six. Put it down. Seven, eight. To the left. Two, three, four. Now stand up and relax. Seven, eight. He's doing the choreography. Okay, and you actually double. You double while he's bent over. He can only bend over so many times in a day, in a week. But for whatever reason, he needs weekly prostate exams. Okay, while you're here. While you're here, let's see how much it's grown from last week. Because. Because I hear your trickles and I know we have to take a break. We have to take one break in the 10 minute spray, Dan. And I know it's not normal. It's your stream. You guys know Nom Nom, Our beloved Nom Nom cat, Jocelyn. She's inherently feminine and hilarious. Always running around, scurrying around, looking for her food, screaming when it's feeding time. And then she'll roll on her back for a belly scratch, as she should. So what? She's a little picky on what she eats if you don't feed her at the exact right time, in the right portion, and exactly the amount of water that she likes on top in order to keep her hydrated. So what? She's a woman. She knows what she likes. So you need to check out our next sponsor, Smalls. Nom Nom prefers Smalls way more than her previous cat food. I honestly did a taste test, but two bowls side by side and she ran to Smalls. Do you blame her? She has taste. And even if your cat loves kibble, Smalls makes the perfect topper as you transition them to a fresh diet. Since making the switch to Smalls, Nam has fewer hairballs, more balanced energy, a healthier weight, a soft and shinier fur coat, and a less stinky litter box. Say less and you might be wondering, why can't I just feed my cat kibble? But believe it or not, Nam used to Be a wild animal. They descended from the ferocious desert cat who hunted live prey for food. Food and your cat isn't any different. They still need fresh protein packed meals to be at their best. For a limited time only because you are a long winded listener. You can get 35 off smalls plus an additional 50 off your first order by using my code Gabby Wendy. That's an additional 50 off when you head to smalls.com and use a promo code Gabby Wendy. Again, that's promo code Gabby Wendy. For an additional 50% off your first order plus free shipping@smalls.com yes, of course. I'm always looking for the perfect vintage designer piece. But as you know, I just got paid my money from Peacock and I cannot spend it. I can't spend it all, okay? I need a break. I need some sort of a discount. And that's why I love the RealReal. It's the best place to shop authenticated luxury bags, clothing, watches and so much more. I love Ecau Slotta in jpg. But you know what? My bank account doesn't. It has limits. So I'll scour and I'll scour the RealReal for new pieces. There are 10,000 new items every day. Can you believe? And they do their daily drops at 10am and 7pm Eastern every day. We're talking new things. A new chance to get something you love, but at a price you can afford. The Real Real is attainable luxury that upgrades your personal style. With up to 90 off retail, you can finally have the pieces you've been dreaming of from brands like Gucci, Fendi, Prada. Unlike other resale sites, everything the RealReal sells is authenticated in person by luxury in fashion experts. You're not going to get gaslit around here. The RealReal is the world's largest and most trusted resource for authenticated luxury resale. With thousands of new arrivals daily. No one does resale like the Real Real. And now get 25 off your first purchase when you go to therealreal.com winded. That's therealreal.com winded. To get your 25 off, start shopping now@therealreal.com winded.
- [32:02]
Erin Ichi
Are you recording me?
- [32:05]
Abe Ichi
We're about to go deep.
- [32:07]
Erin Ichi
This is my first time. I'm kind of nervous. Wait, did you say come together?
- [32:15]
Abe Ichi
You've been spending too much time with me.
- [32:18]
Erin Ichi
Hey. I'm Erin Danielle Ichi. And this is my husband Abe.
- [32:21]
Abe Ichi
Hey.
- [32:22]
Erin Ichi
We've been married for over 10 years. We have almost four kids. And we've started and survived more businesses than we can count.
- [32:28]
Abe Ichi
Some were great. Some. Let's just say we learned a lot.
- [32:31]
Erin Ichi
Reality tv, that's just part of our story. But TV has limits. And this show doesn't.
- [32:37]
Abe Ichi
Our new podcast Come Together dives into everything. Love, sex, parenting, business, and what it's really like to mix marriage with work. It's raw, it's funny, it's honest. And yes, sometimes it's a little awkward.
- [32:49]
Erin Ichi
Nothing is off the table because, let's be real, if you're not coming together, you're probably falling apart.
- [32:55]
Abe Ichi
Join us every week on Come Together wherever you listen to podcasts.
- [33:03]
Gabby Windey
So. And then some of you may think, okay, this is where you lost me. Okay, this is enough for me. Well, not me. Not me. If I have imagined Trump's asshole, burnt orange on the outside, covered with wispy hairs similar to those on top of his head, bleach, blonde and thin in nature, then you have to, too. And I don't know if you know this about me, I've lived many lives. Not just the ones in the Notebook and Yellowstone that the regressionist told me. I've lived many lives on this earth. I've lived many lives. Not only was I an NFL cheerleader, an ICU nurse, I am a college dropout. I went to midwifery school for one year and a half before I had to throw in the towel after I learned about liability insurance. You're telling me. You're telling me after I'm wrist deep in the assistance of the miracle that is childbirth, I can be sued for up to 18 years by both parties, the mom and the baby? I don't think so. I don't think so. I'd rather go on reality TV where I can get a chance to do the suing for once. Cut me some slack. No, I had to get out of there. But not before. Not before I passed my health assessment class. A necessity where you had to go not via zoom, but as live action. You had to show up to the flesh, in the flesh, to perform an assessment. From the lymph nodes behind your ears to the hole in your house, to the pulse in your toes. I had to assess it all. You know where this is going? I've been a prostate examiner once. Add that to my resume. What can't she do? We're live action. Not only me, but my patient. My patient. Not sick. It's not sick. No. And you might be thinking, oh, yeah, where did she go? Phoenix. You. Well, to that I say you. You act like I haven't thought of that. Before. Good joke. Good joke. Not. I'm live in the flesh. And so is my patient, who's not a patient. He's an actor. Put some respect on his name. An actor that willingly signed up for this position to be the receiver of a prostate exam. Think of that. Which you may. Okay, Gabby, you're up. Well, I never. I never. I show up and I am professional. And I never say no to a duty. I glove up. Non latex. As to not have a perianal abscess show up, but seconds later, it's sensitive. There are directions to trim the nails. My nails? Down to my cuticle. What? Measuring stick. Where is your cuticle, Gabby? You might be thinking by the looks of my claws right now. Well, funny you should ask. My cuticle is actually disconnected from my fingertip about 2 centimeters. Just kidding. I didn't. I would never insert an orifice with a sharp object. Okay, okay, Come on. I'm compassionate at times. For instance, so I did. I came in with a cut nail to the cuticle. You could barely see anything. Okay. So I glove up. I go in. Ouch. There's a wince. He clenches. Ouch. Relax, I say. Oh, no. Oh, no. Your nails are too sharp. No, they're not long. But I didn't have a nail file, so I did cut them in a square like way with the sharp edges. Oh. Oh. Can he not endure a little pain? I guess he's never been on the other side. The Pap. Sexual smear. What is Pap stand for in Pap smear? Oh, you're kidding. You are actually kidding me. Pap means Papa Colu, the founder of the Pap smear. And of course, he's a man. And he still gets the. And to this day, he still gets to have a monopoly over the test that is performed on a women. Okay, Georgius, all right, we gotta. We gotta rename that ASAP to the gag smear. Okay, well, maybe. Okay, so as an experienced actor, he is. He comes around these parts many times. He has a go bag for the talent, which is me, filled with nail clippers and a nail file. Okay? Snip, snip, snip, clip, clip, clip. Now we're really working with nothing. I am left with a booty digger so I can pass this godforsaken class that I'm gonna leave in my wake of reality tv, I guess. Okay. Okay. And he has a very serious duty, because as his role as an actor, he has the job of making sure he does not get an erection. No, his mind is elsewhere. No, he has to be thinking about something else in which he will not become erect. Maybe. I honestly cannot think of one thing that would not turn a man on. So I don't know how he did it, but if he were to get an erection, he would lose his pay for the day. And I don't even know if he'd be able to come back the next day. I imagine there's no shortage of people applying for this position. Oh, wait. Await their men, their perverts. I'm sure there is. I'm sure. I'm sure there is no shortage. So I go back in. I go back in. All is fine. Okay, now bend over. I'm whirling around my singular index finger for the prostate. Oh. Oh. It's something of a half balloon sort, but filled with maybe a soft but firm something in it. Okay. I don't know. I really can't describe it if you've. If you've never had the joy of experiencing the touch of a prostate. But I imagine if there's some straight women here listening to this podcast that I'm sure your boyfriend likes his prostate exam, but if you know what I mean, you probably felt one and you didn't even know. Unless it's big, like you're President Trump's. And to that, send them to the doctor. There's medications, okay? So you go in with your pointer finger, with your index, and on the tip of it, you'll feel, you'll feel, you'll feel that tiny little organ, and then it's burned into your finger. You will never forget it. And then burned into your brain. It's not anything that you will never remember again. I'm still talking about it. And I can't remember most things from five seconds ago. No, I smoke too much weed for that, because I want to forget, because I like to dissociate. But this shall never be forgotten. So I am equipped to give the President what he needs. And I imagine it will not come out clean, like the dipstick of low oil. I imagine it'll come out the finger covered in something like a sweet potato puree that you feed your toddler morning, noon and night. It's the only thing it's gonna eat. Has a developed palate. It's making you go broke. He only likes the organic. And doesn't all this. Doesn't all this just make you want to sever? Doesn't all this just make you forget of the reality of life? Okay, we get it. It's a groundbreaking show. Let me say. Let me Tell you, my mind has not changed. I've still seen all of maybe 20 minutes combined. I do a couple minutes here, a four minutes here, a five minutes here. What's going on? I think I can infer, I think I can deduce. But if you ask me, it's lost the plot. Who even knows what happened at the end? We're going back and forth. We're going back and forth. I don't know. It seems like he's causing drama to himself again. Isn't it always your own fault? Aren't you always your own worst enemy, Adam Scott. I'll say that the best thing that has ever happened to that show is the meme that states Adam Scott looks as if someone tried to draw Michael Jackson from memory. Nailed it. Nailed it. Now I cannot think about anything else. But he is an incredible actor. I will give him that. Whatever he's trying to sell. Not quite clear. I'm buying. Except for that work feels like a dystopian alternate universe. What is the cubicle? What are we turning into fungi in this windowless room? What are we. It makes you want to sever. So then I was thinking, okay, well there's a couple places in life that I feel like unwork related or maybe work hospital workers are the original severs. I will tell you that it's unlike anything else you will ever see in the real life. Began there except with breathing tubes and with restraints. Everyone's tied to the bed for what reason you don't really know. With clear wiring filled with medications that you. You must not try. No, it's very dangerous. Everyone's wearing the same thing. Creepy. Very weird. Because we all must look the same. They don't. They don't assimilate in this ever. Okay. And then this is the. You want to talk about GR. Emmy winning I think at least nominated performance by the Michael Jackson drawn from memory. And then they hit us with the incredible well thought out language of the innie Audi. The in sever. The sever Personas are geniusly named after the state of belly buttons. The innie. Of course. Of course. When we hear any. We're not. We're definitely not going to think of your friends belly button that goes so far in you can't really see it. No, it never even crossed my mind in the Audi of which mine is of sorts. Maybe the umbilical cord was cut a little too late but at least it's cute than that. But no, but no, definitely, but definitely not this creator, this writing is definitely is definitely not going to not make me think of a belly button. Places that you sever. Sugar fish. Oh, hey, whoa. Alternate dimension. You walk in, it's a one way window. Nobody can see inside what's going on, but you can see outside. What is that Real world out there? And what is this in here? I have to eat my edamame so fast because my. Because my dish of sashimi is going to come. I know, to the second a little too fast. And I'll always need an extra wasabi. Like clockwork. And all in all, the sugarfishes are the same severing experience no matter where you go. In NoHo, in WeHo, in Midtown, in Williamsburg, I think there's one. It's always the same with a glass of chardonnay. But I might not ever experiencing that again because as you may or may not know, I'm exploring sobriety. I'm on DNA. I gotta hype myself up for this party tonight. Where I'm gonna want. Where I'm gonna want to down some vuv champagne to get the bubbles in my head so I can have a conversation for once. So I can wipe this scowl from my face. Turn that frown upside down, why don't you? It's not as easy when you're privy to the pain. Okay, here comes Robbie. Ah. And other places you sever. Just a few. Just a couple. The tanning salon. Yep, yep. Yeah, I'm thinking a lot about the tanning salon. I cannot help it. You. You start off being one color, enter the universe, come out a completely different and smelling like you've never smelled before. Something unnatural. The Equinox. You're surrounded by this different species that looks like a Dorito. More specifically, the Equinox smoothie bar. Wow. What is this? Blueberry billis. I never tasted anything like this. But yes, I need half the protein because I'm not. I'm not trying to shit my pants on the way home. What is this place? The Uber. But more specifically the Uber of a Tesla kind. Oh, okay. Now I must. Now my reality is really distorted. I step in. I step in to these other. Not even otherworldly, because I don't like that. So what? You can be on the inside and the outside. I don't. It gives me nausea. So now I must disconnect. I must disassociate. I must sever from the experience or else I'm gonna have a bout of emesis. No, I cannot enjoy this ride. I'm too busy looking around. Looking around for a blue barf bag. I'm too busy Looking around, looking around for a spare Zofran. Looking around for grass that I can touch. And one. And then when I really sever, slash want to sever my brain forever is when you order an Uber black and a Tesla shows up. Why would I pay an extra $20 when I could get a blue one for that of $20 less? What do you mean? This is the same experience. I don't care that it's black on the the outside. Give me the blue to be miserable. I'd rather save a buck. The guy know sever. This could not be my reality. I have a small old woman looking up, looking up at me from between my legs. Yes, I'm a lesbian, but this still does not feel real or wanted or warranted. And now the speculums are plastic and see through. Up in the vagina it goes. Relax, relax, relax. I haven't felt this. And 48 months. Definitely. I think more than that. Maybe 72. But as. But we have really found a strap on that we like. So maybe next time I won't bleed from the friable vasculature that is the inside of my vaginal canal. I must sever. I must sever. But I still keep my personality. So I try and make a joke. I make a tornado joke that this tiny woman between my legs thinks is really funny. Get it together. You cannot jiggle while penetrating my. Come on. Where's your professionalism? So what? It's Twister, The Helen Hunt version really, really brought it home for that. And then, and then, and then, as we know, crabs are eradicated. They're eradicated in the lesbians. But I cannot speak for the straights or the gays, if you know what I mean. I don't know what those men are doing these days. I don't know if they have a bear crabby floating around because we don't have pubic hair anymore. So the crabs have nowhere to feed. But however, doctor finds the one soul crab left on the planet of this earth stuck and buried in the tuft of the gooch that is incredibly hard to laser or shave. Ah, I found something. This is not your reality. No, you've severed. This is something completely different. It's the last soul crab that could have been buried in there for the last 20 years. I've had it since I was born. Do you think it jumped like my mom always said it would? If I relax my quads for once, I get a break. And this life that I'm already having a lot of problem living in. The only time that I could get some time to myself is in the bathroom. And I would like to not squat but rest. That is when I got the crab. Are you telling me? Are you kidding me? No. I must sever now. Am I gonna get rid of this pussy bug? That's itchy, itchy, itchy, itchy. I thought it was my perpetual yeast infection that I got from years pleasing the man on the dirty dick. No, no. No amounts of Azo is gonna help this. I gotta get a diflucan times two. It's resistant. So how am I gonna get rid of this little bug? No, I can't crack it like a snow crab. Don't tell me I have to comb through it with that of a jiffy peanut butter. Disgusting. I've already thrown up in the Uber Tesla. Okay. And thanks for coming back again and again and again to Long Wind. I'll see you next week. If you're lucky. And you shall be. And you shall be. You shall be. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.