I believe in marriage but not in coachella

Summary

Long Winded with Gabby Windey

Episode: I Believe in Marriage but Not in Coachella
Release Date: March 27, 2025
Host: Gabby Windey
Guest: Robbie Hoffman

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1. Introduction to the Episode

In this emotionally charged episode of Long Winded with Gabby Windey, Gabby and her co-host Robbie Hoffman delve deep into personal struggles, societal expectations, and cultural critiques. Skipping the usual surface-level discussions, Gabby opens up about her tumultuous week dealing with her beloved dog Nardo's severe health issues, while also sharing her candid thoughts on marriage and pop culture phenomena like Coachella.

2. Coping with Pet Illness: Nardo's Battle with Lymphoma

The episode begins with Gabby and Robbie discussing the dire health condition of Gabby's dog, Nardo. Gabby recounts the harrowing experience of discovering Nardo's lymphoma diagnosis, her frantic attempts to seek medical help, and the emotional toll it has taken on her.

• Emotional Turmoil: Gabby expresses her despair and helplessness, stating, "It's devastating." (01:29).

• Veterinary Challenges: She details the vet's grim prognosis, mentioning, "They said they did a smear. They couldn't find one platelet. Not one." (04:28), highlighting the severity of Nardo's condition.

• Family Support: Robbie shares his concern for Nardo, observing, "He's aged 10 years in six days." (01:58), underscoring the rapid decline in Nardo's health.

• Personal Commitment: Gabby's determination shines through as she takes on the role of Nardo's primary caregiver, stating, "I'm running my own doggy hospice. Bring your dogs." (06:45).

3. Impact of Personal Stress on Mental Health

As Gabby navigates Nardo's illness, she candidly discusses the strain it has placed on her mental health. The sleepless nights, constant worry, and the feeling of being overwhelmed are palpable throughout the conversation.

• Seeking Validation: Gabby admits, "We need validation. We need a good job from our bosses, employees." (01:16), reflecting on the broader need for appreciation and support.

• Emotional Exhaustion: She conveys her exhaustion by saying, "I can't get on a meeting. I'm delirious. I can't even think straight." (12:18), illustrating the depth of her emotional fatigue.

4. Reflections on Marriage and Personal Commitments

Transitioning from personal turmoil, Gabby shares her nuanced views on marriage. She asserts her belief in the institution while simultaneously critiquing its traditional constructs and societal pressures.

• Belief in Commitment: Gabby articulates, "I do believe in the institution of marriage." (37:30), emphasizing her support for long-term commitments.

• Critique of Patriarchy: She delves into the patriarchal underpinnings of marriage, questioning, "Because it's all a distraction, as you know, because we're talking about this." (25:30).

• Personal Security: Discussing her own needs, she states, "I've learned I'm healing, that I don't have to run, that it's okay to be loved." (35:24), highlighting the personal growth that commitment can foster.

5. Critique of Pop Culture: Coachella

Gabby shifts her focus to critiquing the popular music festival, Coachella, elaborating on why she chooses not to attend despite invitations.

• Physical and Mental Strain: She humorously yet sincerely explains, "I have tinnitus. And no, I cannot stand for that long." (48:59), highlighting the physical toll such events can take.

• Cultural Disconnect: Gabby expresses her disinterest in the festival's culture, mentioning, "Cocky, cowboys, watery dust everywhere, sweating my glam off." (49:00), portraying her disconnect from the mainstream festival scene.

• Personal Priorities: Emphasizing her focus on personal well-being, she asserts, "I just saw his DM and they're all coming back. No, no, I don't want to go to the middle of the desert." (51:16), underscoring her choice to prioritize her mental and physical health over attending large, taxing events.

6. Conclusion and Final Thoughts

As the episode draws to a close, Gabby ties together her personal experiences with broader societal observations. She reinforces the importance of commitment, whether in personal relationships or in caring for loved ones like Nardo.

• Final Plea: Gabby makes an emotional appeal, "Please think of Nardo." (51:22), urging listeners to consider the emotional weight of pet loss.

• Balancing Personal Life: She reflects on managing multiple responsibilities, stating, "I have to take my work with me because I have to manage a lot." (40:36), illustrating the constant balancing act between personal and professional life.

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Notable Quotes

• Gabby Dunn: "It's devastating." (01:29)

• Robbie Hoffman: "He's aged 10 years in six days." (01:58)

• Gabby Dunn: "I'm running my own doggy hospice. Bring your dogs." (06:45)

• Gabby Dunn: "I do believe in the institution of marriage." (37:30)

• Gabby Dunn: "I just saw his DM and they're all coming back. No, no, I don't want to go to the middle of the desert." (51:16)

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Insights and Conclusions

In this episode, Gabby Windey offers a raw and unfiltered glimpse into the challenges of dealing with a pet's serious illness while navigating personal beliefs and societal expectations. Her honest portrayal of emotional struggles underscores the importance of mental health and the need for support systems during crises. Furthermore, her critiques of traditional institutions and pop culture reflect a desire for authenticity and personal well-being over societal pressures. Through humor and vulnerability, Gabby connects with listeners who may be facing similar challenges, offering both relatability and inspiration.

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Note: This summary excludes advertisements, intros, outros, and non-content sections as per the guidelines.

Transcript

[Gabby Dunn]

The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Oh, my God. Do I look different?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Because I am different. It's been a while. I gotta take a deep breath.

[Gabby Dunn]

I gotta get here.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Let me close the doors.

[Gabby Dunn]

So it's just you and I.

[Robbie Hoffman]

All right.

[Gabby Dunn]

All right. Where do I begin?

[Robbie Hoffman]

I don't.

[Gabby Dunn]

I don't. I don't even know where to begin. I don't even want to begin. It's just the pressure to begin.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I cracked a Diet Coke. And I might regret that later because.

[Gabby Dunn]

It'S too late in the day to be awake. I don't even want to be awake when I awake. But duty calls. Here I am, fulfilling my duty, showing up to work. Yes, I say it a lot because I need. Because I need a pat on the back sometimes. We actually do. We actually do need. We need validation. We need a good job from our bosses, employees.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Satisfaction.

[Gabby Dunn]

You need to know you are appreciated. Oh, I couldn't even find the word because I've never felt it.

[Robbie Hoffman]

All right, you'll see here.

[Gabby Dunn]

You'll see here. Nardo is with me. And we didn't think that was going to be the case this week. And no, I'm not being facetious. No, I'm not being satirical. It was scary. It was scary. It was scary. And that's where I'm going to start. The dog. Oh, the dog, the dog. The lymphoma, the dog. It's devastating. It's devastating.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Nardo.

[Gabby Dunn]

Nardo got old in a week.

[Robbie Hoffman]

He aged 10 years in six days. Look at him now.

[Gabby Dunn]

He's quite comfortable because.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Because we're doing our best to nurse.

[Gabby Dunn]

Him back to health. And I might end in my interject here. Last week. Last week I got my video taken down because of the. He's okay, Nardo. You can see he's walking a little weak. He's getting old. I hope he's going to find some.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Treats or water there all over the house.

[Gabby Dunn]

But let me get. Let me.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Let me start from the beginning.

[Gabby Dunn]

Last week, my video was taken down because the bat. Because the bandwagon. Because some. Some. Some thousands of you are already turning your back on me and what, reported me now. Now I'm only following in the steps of my brethren, Joe Rogan. Misinformation, selling nicotine. Well, what the. How am I supposed to make money? I'll never do it again. I'm sorry, Lucy, I'm sorry. I can't be promoting that. I can't risk not spreading the word. Anyways, Nardo, we don't actually know what he has Because. Because they wanted to put him down three times. No, I'm not kidding. Kidding. So. So either Nardo is the original Scamanda. Either he's faking his questionable undiagnosed blood cancer for GoFundMe's money and social media attention, or the vets are. Or it's the chicken or the egg. Which came first?

[Robbie Hoffman]

Because I don't know.

[Gabby Dunn]

Because I don't know. They said put Nardo down. We don't know what else to tell you. Dogs this sick normally don't make it. You're gonna have to put Nardo down. Devastating, bawling, crying. My dad was in town. Just by a stroke of luck, we all said goodbye at the vet's office. We held him like a baby on the way home. His poor little legs were limp and weak. He was bleeding. He was spontaneously bleeding. He has no platelets. Zero. They said they did a smear. They couldn't find one platelet. Not one. Not one. Okay, well, get me in there. Get me in there, because your two eyes aren't even acting like one. They're not even converging. I'm sure there was one. There's not even one. Spontaneously bleeding, had a nosebleed everywhere. He's too sick to diagnose.

[Robbie Hoffman]

But we're.

[Gabby Dunn]

Going to keep him in the hospital. No, the fuck you're not. We're checking his ass out. Ama against medical advice. Let me take him home. I was a nurse. I can give all his medications. I know exactly what to do. You're not going to tell me this went on all week.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Of a sudden, I'm back at nurse.

[Gabby Dunn]

I'm at the bedside. I'm giving meds. Q2, Q4. He's. I'm lethargic. He's lethargic. Something's going on. Something's going on. We go back to the vet at midnight. He had a bloody stool. What's it gonna be? What's it gonna be? He's not making much progress. The meds aren't working. Instead of zero now, the platelets are 7,000. And they're supposed to be. And they're supposed to be mere. I don't know.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Hey, Nardo.

[Gabby Dunn]

And there's supposed to be a more. A mere 40,000 year. Nowhere close. Here's a list. Here's a list of veterinary doctors that do in home. You know what? I can't even get myself to say it. We cry ourselves to sleep.

[Robbie Hoffman]

We get Nardo his last hamburger, what.

[Gabby Dunn]

We think, and some French fries. He only eats the patty. He knows how to. He knows how to eat around the whole bun. I'm up all night watching his breathing. The next morning, he leaps out of bed. Excuse me. Excuse me. We were just. We were just calling around for an emergent appointment. We. Based on your breathing, we didn't know if you were gonna last call it off. Call everything off. Debbie and Adam come over. They immediately put him in good spirits. What's gonna happen? Does the dog want to live? He doesn't want to die. He wants to live to see another day. He wants to terrorize the cat. Well past seven years and nine months. An average age for lymphoma. Are they. Is everyone okay? This obviously very distant relative of a.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Wolf has come with its own mutations.

[Gabby Dunn]

I didn't mean it when I said I thought I got a lemon. Now I'm not so sure. Maybe a lime. Anyways, a lime with sugar. We call it off again. Wait a day.

[Robbie Hoffman]

He's still tired.

[Gabby Dunn]

I'm able to force feed him some potatoes in the back of the throat. I'm sorry, Nardo. We have to get you something to eat so I can give you the one medicine that's what. To stimulate the bone, to stimulate the platelets, to make you feel better. The platelets, the platelets, the platelets. Check his gums. Are they pink or pale? I can't tell. Sending videos. Sending videos to Amber. What an angel. These people who love, love, love animals and have dedicated their lives to answering the phone from people like me who have so many questions on whether they're going to have to. They're gonna have to do the hardest thing. And. Yeah. And. Yeah, the real gag is, is that I stand by my dog mom's take. I'm sorry. The millennials have ruined it for us. I don't have to be a mother to love something with all of my four chambered beating heart with more arteries than you can count. I don't have to be maternal. You don't have to give me the name dog Mom. Once again, the millennials have ruined it for us. So we call it off. I take him to the vet again. He has a seating appointment. Let's get his. Let's get his blood drawn. Let's see what they think. She comes back. She comes back with the same voice, with the same eyes. We know where this is gonna go. All right, give me the leash. I'm done here. I'm done. I'm done listening to anyone. I'm done taking everyone's advice. Just give them back to me. I'll do whatever I'LL do at this point whatever the fuck I want. I'm running my own doggy hospice. Bring your dogs. Bring your dogs. I have a plethora of medication that my psychiatrist has offered me and you won't find on Reddit. You won't find the dosages on Reddit because they're too afraid. No, I'm not giving medical advice. Yes, this is. Miss. I can't say it because, because obviously I'm walking on thin ice around here. Because you're waiting. One of you. One of you is waiting with the finger on the trigger. What am I going to pour? I want to press the flag button so bad to ruin it for everybody. Well, you're not going to get me. I'm not selling anything anyways. There's no dog hospice because they can't trust the homo, the two legged homo sapiens, not to abuse the narcotics. Obviously you cannot be trusted. Once again, you perverted freaks. Hands off. Paws off. I also cannot be trusted. Minor prescribed so, so I can give it to him. So I'm doing my own thing. I'm doing my own thing. But she did. But on the last vet appointment, she did, she, she checked his blood for us. Thank you. This might be the last time. We'll call you with the results.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Never called.

[Gabby Dunn]

Okay. Okay. Some. Some dire needs, I guess. Some really pertinent information that you thought I should have so desperately longingly sat eyed in the office, in the sterile medical room, and you never called. Okay, well. Well, tell me why. He's jumping on and off and on and off and on and off and by, by, by. I mean, jumping. I have to. I know he wants to get up, so I have to get, I have to get up and hold him and just the right way to not hurt him, to get him off the bed and on the bed and off the bed and on the bed and off the bed. On the bed.

[Robbie Hoffman]

You want to go outside?

[Gabby Dunn]

Do you need a potty? Do you need the potty? No? Okay, so he's sniffing on the counter. Oh, you want to treat your appetites back? What is this two pods on the counter? He's looking for his treats. Okay, what am I supposed to do? He's back to life. He hasn't been interested in food in days. No kind of food. Not even the chicken from the rotisserie. Unseasoned, mind you, from sprouts, the good white meat. You don't care about this. I don't even know you. You must be sick. Your blood, your own blood is attacking you. It's devastating. Now he wants all his treats.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Okay, well, you can have all the.

[Gabby Dunn]

Treats, but all through the night, please. And then he had a stool. And then he had a stool that gave. That put some light back into our lifeless eyes. Then he had a stool that was of the soft serve kind, not the waterfall. Then he had a stool that gave us hope. I don't know. I don't know. And now he's back. And you really. You really don't know what you have until it's threatened to be taken away from you. And this is what they all say. It's one of those things that you just don't know until it happens to you. I just didn't know. Oh, okay. Okay. Nurse Candy, your dog sick. We've heard that before. We've heard that before. Just retire. Okay, well, I'll give you a little pto. It's okay. It's okay. Okay. But now my dog's sick and I had to call off every single thing because like I said, we've been. We've been at the vet four days out of six. Sobbing, bawling, don't know when it's gonna come. I can't get on a meeting. I'm delirious. I can't even think straight.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Flip the camera.

[Gabby Dunn]

I flip the camera to a for rail. God forbid, barely breathing, roided out dog. And you want to talk about my concept for a face lotion? I'll give you. I'll give you one guess. It's moisturizing.

[Robbie Hoffman]

And then it does.

[Gabby Dunn]

It makes you do the craziest things.

[Robbie Hoffman]

This dog.

[Gabby Dunn]

This dog will make you crazy. This Nardo. Yeah, maybe his breath is as smelly as his ass. Yeah, maybe he's no competition for danger at the door. Yeah, maybe instead of barking, he might do the smile, smile, Nardo. The vet loves it. He loves the vet. The craziest thing I've ever seen. He goes right into the clinic, says hi to everyone and smiles. This is the dog they'd been telling me to put down for. For three times. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, maybe Z doesn't know what to do with the burglar, but I do. So what, they want to come in and take my new Roku tv? How about I make you. How about I make it easier for you? I'm just gonna leave you some tie things at the door. I'm just gonna leave you a little bowl full of all the cash I have in a relative's Rolex. It's yours. Don't come in the house. You don't need to ransack here. You can get that Roku TV on sale. It's nothing. You don't want that. It's too big. You can't. Your brain can't really perceive something too big. Because I imagine. Because I imagine it's not very big in the first place, judging by the pantyhose that fits over it. No, your head's too small. Get out of here. Take the money and run. I'm doing you a favor. I'm making it easy on you. Leave the dog. Leave the dog. He's of no use to it to you now. Because his blood is sick, because the blood's attacking itself. So now I have to introduce new meds, and then finally, hopefully, we can go in with the diagnosis. But. But can you believe it? It's been such a devastating week.

[Robbie Hoffman]

And then Robbie had to leave.

[Gabby Dunn]

She had to go on tour. She doesn't know what to do with herself, really.

[Robbie Hoffman]

She's like, I've just been taking him for granted.

[Gabby Dunn]

Do you think I can catch his cancer, though? Please. Please don't. Well, do you think the cat can catch it? No. No, I don't. And can we think about the dog for once? This is about the dog, not about the cat. Just kidding. The dog does have a way better presence. Oh, Freudian. I know there's a lot of cat lovers out there, and I'm sorry. I have an unpopular opinion. And I will be so fast to redact if Diet Coke wants me to. If they come around, but I prefer a Pepsi zero to a Diet Coke. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Report me, because everyone else is too afraid to say it. Coming this close to losing a loved one will make you do crazy things. Like when your grandma's like, oh, your Nana really loves you, and you're like, I'm gonna have to take your word for it because I don't remember Nana. I met her maybe when I was 3 years old. Sat on her lap, and I only know that by a photo, but I'm gonna have to take your word that she loved me. But when you love something, you want to tell everyone else how much they loved him. To all my friends all week. Nardo loves you. My one friend. In return, at least the cat will be happy. Okay. Well. Well, I appreciate your honesty. Me to the family. Do you mind sending a video of your voice? Nardo loves voices. It puts it. It. It makes him calm. It eases his breathing. It slows down his heart, but not too slow.

[Robbie Hoffman]

See if he can.

[Gabby Dunn]

Oh, good boy. See, he is kind of weak, but I'm making him dinners, and I'm gonna give him a bath tonight. Oh, will you. Will you send me a video of your voice so I can play it for him on repeat? I'm going through the live videos. I'm going through the live video, see if they have anything to say to Nardo. Screen, screen. Recording and playing and playing and playing. This is for Nardo. This is what he needs. This is what's to save him. And look at him. But then looking back at the videos, I'm like, oh, I cannot believe I made them do that. I would never. If roles are reversed, I would never. But it makes you do crazy things. So Robbie and I prayed every night for him, and it seems like someone. Someone has his back. If you even have the heart to muster, would it kill you to send one up for this guy? You come in watching him every week. Could it kill you to do something for him? Okay, well, okay. And.

[Robbie Hoffman]

And in case you didn't know, we're cinephiles around here. Us, in Taylor Swift, that is the first time I heard the word I don't know what song. And if you spell it wrong in Google, you'll get a whole different definition. But anyways, as a cinephile, I get excited about new movies. And There's a new A24 movie that I'm dying to see, and you should be too, called the Materialists, with Pedro Pascal, Dakota Johnson, and Chris Evans. And not to brag, but apparently. Apparently Pedro is a fan.

[Gabby Dunn]

So I'm sorry to rub it in. Okay.

[Robbie Hoffman]

And I'm not even saying this because he follows me on Instagram, but he looks amazing in this movie. And as you know, as you know, I'm a lesbian, so you can understand the kind of weight that holds. It's directed by Celine Song, who did past lives, but this, this is different. It's lighter, it's witty, it's relevant. Read the trials and tribulations of dating.

[Gabby Dunn]

And we know.

[Robbie Hoffman]

And we know what that's like. It feels like a 2000s Rom com, though. Which are the best kind. We're desperate for them. It' giving, like, he's just not that into you. Not totally that storyline. Just kind of the feel because. Because there's a love triangle. Finally, we have a love triangle on our hands. I've been begging. Who doesn't love a love triangle? I'm sure there is a good reference of a love triangle movie that's lost on me, but it's like, please just use your brain here. But as I said before, the materialists, like, bring in the current dating culture, which is bleak, as we know. There's a scene where Dakota Johnson smokes a cig. What else can we ask for? There's a bachelorette reference. Was this movie made for me?

[Gabby Dunn]

I think so.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I will be a door buster. Dakota Johnson plays Lucy, who is a matchmaker. So obviously she's dealing with the desperados because this is where they end up. But I will say Robbie is a bit of a matchmaker herself. She set up like three couples who have been together for a really long time. And Lucy is the same. Lucy is jaded herself, obviously. Who isn't when trying to date straight men? So now all she wants is money, money, money. Hello. If men are good for one thing, it's money. The wage gap is still alive and well.

[Gabby Dunn]

Money.

[Robbie Hoffman]

First marry for love, then marry for money, honey. But if you're not a cynic and believe love can happen between a man and a woman, which I know, there's always exceptions. Please, please. It can happen. Then you can't always be thinking about money. Or can you? Let's think with our hearts for a second. Or not. I don't know. Lucy's in a pickle. Lucy's in a pickle because Randy, yeah, he is played by Pedro. And there looks to be somewhat of a sex scene. And as you know, I'm a pervert, so to see the sex scene, Randy is hot and rich and John, played by Chris Evans, is hot and broke.

[Gabby Dunn]

So shoot.

[Robbie Hoffman]

But John is an old flame. So can the Phoenix of love rise from those dusty, crusty ashes? But overall, it looks really cute and heartfelt with a stacked cast and culturally relevant. We need movies depicting our current dating situations. Please. We all have too many demands in dating, but also not enough. Am I right? But I do want to see it. And I want to see it in theaters. It's my favorite date night with Robbie, so obviously you should too. Watch the trailer on A24's YouTube Instagram. Tick tock. In theaters June 13th. The great rewards hunt is so join the adventure with DraftKings Casino. For fun seekers, follow the trail to huge jackpots, weekly bonuses and exclusive games. But the excitement is only getting started because new players can get 500 casino spins on a featured game. Just sign up with code Gabby, Windy and Wager a minimum of $5 to receive 500 casino spins on a featured game. Only on the most rewarding place to play DraftKings Casino. The crown is yours. Gambling problem. Call 1-800- gambler in Connecticut. Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org Please play responsibly. 21 plus. Physically present in Michigan, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, West Virginia only. Void in Connecticut and Ontario. Eligibility restrictions apply. New customers only. Non withdrawable casino spins. Valid for featured game only and expire in 168 hours. See [e-mail] promos ends 42725 at 11:59pm Eastern.

[Gabby Dunn]

So now let's get on with it.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Ah, yes.

[Gabby Dunn]

Ah, yes. Now let's get on with it. We can change our last names Willy legally nilly, but you can't change one letter on your passport. Hunter Schaefer. What is going on here? Why do you even care? I know, I know, I know. It's not about the gender. It's not about the letter. It's about the executive order. It's about the power. Power. But come on, what's it even to you? Why do you even care? Why do you even care? You don't yourself. You're so far up your own ass, you can do a360 in your small intestines. You're not gonna get me thinking that you care about LGBTQ I. A people, not that little dweeb sitting at the clerk's office, going through the passports, somehow figuring out who Hunter Schaefer was, because I know these people. And no offense, if you're here. If you're here doing this job, obviously, there's an exception to every rule, but there are some places that do not know culture. One of them is being next Health. They never recognize me. I don't know where they live. It's. It's some kind of a. It is some kind of a different dimension. And yes, yes, that is my litmus test. Okay. You know, at least for the last two weeks, my fame has been incomparable, unfathomable. Better believe it. As evidenced by. Don't make me say it. Your finger on the report trigger. How do they know what's going on? How. How. How does this punching in and punching out government dude, who I'm assuming is straight and has never even heard of the IA of the LGBT cure. I mean, I understand it's the T and the this, but please, just give.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Me a second and.

[Gabby Dunn]

And go with it. They've never even heard of this. So you're telling me now you're going out of your way to the uppers. To the uppers. To the uppers. To the uppers. Look, we have a mayday Mayday. And you still. And you still are able to pump out that passport faster than you can say I'm a pervert. That's the real question, is how are they working so fast? That's the real question is, who squealed? Who's the squealer? Who is the narc? As the old true but trite saying, snitches get stitches. Mind your business. At the previous passport said female, look the other way, turn to blind eye. Have you never covered for a friend at 16 buying cigarettes at the gas station? No, sir, I swear. She has a good skin care regimen. She's 18. Have you never. Come on. Come on. Just put your head down and act like you never saw anything. Just make. Just make a duplicate. Hers was lost. It wasn't going in for any kind of a last name change. Any kind of a correction. And don't even get me started on the ones who want to change the last name. The institution of marriage. Yes, I believe. Yeah, you didn't think it was going to take that kind of a turn. But it did. But it did. Because it's all a distraction, as you know, because we're talking about this. Because look at me, I'm seeing red. Hunter Shaffer did not go through all of this for that. To be embarrassed at the airport. Oh, no, no, no. Embarrass the other one who hasn't cleaned under his fingernails in weeks. You're disgusting. Wash your hands. No, because it's a dis. It's a distraction, as we know from the real problem. That said, toddler is going to be a trillionaire. Yes. Yes. He's not even on solids. Before he will be the richest man in the world. You heard me. Of course. Re. Yes, yes. Cut government spending and reallocate it to the people who need it. Don't cut their spending. It doesn't even affect you. Just reallocate it. No, because I know, I know, I know they want the control. I know, I know we're living in a sick, sick, sick time. But just turn the other way. Is that too much to ask? And speaking of last names. Speaking of last names, this conversation is. Is solely for the gays because I know the straights are going to get their panties in a wad. And there's a couple lurking here and dare I say, their fingers on the trigger let up. You need to be an ally. And this is how you do it. Like, and subscribe and send it to your friends. And listen up. Gonna learn you one. But you can maybe fast forward like five minutes because I don't want to offend you. Yes, I do. Because they die for the last name change. Yes, yes, I need to take his last name. No, I need is mine. He has to pass on his lineage. It's so important to him. He thinks his grandk to give one flying fuck about him for playing an intramural drunk kick football league. This is his lasting imprint on the world. And he needs to have a baby with his last name. And my, my. My whole line of a family tree must be quickly forgotten about. Yes, yes, I need a new last name to the man who sniffs my father's underwear. But I cannot confront him because we as women are supposed to be passive and docile and amicable. Amiable. Because we as women are supposed to turn the other way when he kisses his mother on the mouth and then kisses my mother on the mouth. This is the man that you want to take his last name. All right, all right. Well, you sit on the phone with Social Security because you so desperately want a new email. I'd rather pluck out my mustache one fine baby hair by one fine baby hair, then change my email. What? Think about. Just think about it. That is so much work that you're willingly asking in. But you know what? Like I've said again and again, I support women so honestly, do whatever the fuck you want. It doesn't concern me. It doesn't concern me. And I don't you think I have one last fiber filled with energy to spare about your last name? I don't. I don't take that last name, Mrs. Dickel. That's who you want to be. That's who I want you to be. What am I supposed to say anyways? The institution of marriage. Sometimes I hear from lesbians, I don't believe in the institution of marriage. I don't quite even. I love being married. It makes me horny. It turns me on. It makes me feel safe. Oh, marriage is for the insecure, as they say. And I get the institution of marriage and the last name thing, obviously, I get. I get the church marriage rooted in the patriarchy. Women, women cannot have access to this high priesthood. Yes, I've been doing a lot of research on Mormonism. And sometimes I wonder, and sometimes I wonder, why don't oligarchs, why don't the fascists of our country, why aren't they Mormon? Because the Mormons do have a leg up. They all look the same with some kind of a mutated beach wave and a reinvented mixture of a soda that used to Be called something of a Sylvia Plath. You guys know what I mean? Do the math. Figure it the fuck out. You know, you wanted to talk about with. With your parents. With your parents because you're on a family vacation, which. A family vacation is a road trip to the KOA Mind you, which is free, and you're sleeping on the ground. Yeah, dad, sure, we took a family vacation. He says. Well, we used to drive up to the mountains all the time. My point. My point exactly. A family vacation, a relaxing time isn't coming head to head with a grizzly. Never have, thank God, and I never will. Anyways, on your family vacation. We're lower middle class. We're gonna have fine dining at the Taco Bell, please. Still one of my favorite restaurants to this day. And you're gonna make yourself a mix of the Pepsi and the orange Fanta and the Sprite and. What is that called? Like a Sylvia Pot. Anyways, the Mormons have reinvented this with their soda shops, the church marriage, the. The evangelical Christians. Aren't they all evangelical? I don't know. I'm not here to take heed. I'm here to talk. Shit. Leave me alone. Let me breathe. I get that. I get that we don't want the whole. The one man has to give me away to another man. I understand the patriarchal of things, but. But what I don't understand is that I love commitment. It's for. Marriage is for the insecurities. Excus. You're sounding pretty insecure to me. Smelt it. Delta, pot and kettle. Why don't you take a look in the mirror, sir? Why don't you take a look in the mirror, sir? Because it takes a lot of security to do what I'm doing. To put your whole self aside and have. And. And have enough confidence that you can love another fully, even though she's the most cultured W. Hottest, smartest, funniest person you've ever met. But you have to know it doesn't make you less. No, because. No, because. You want to settle for a dud. D, U, D. Three letters, as many brain cells as he has in his head, and you're going to take his last name? At least you believe in the institution of marriage. I guess you can't win. You can't win because. Did I just unravel my whole argument? I don't give a. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Because if marriage is for the insecures, then aren't we all a little insecure? Don't we all just have to admit it? You're telling me you don't have some kind of an attachment style? And no, I'm not talking about the secure can. No, we're all a little up and I'm a little avoidant. So the commitment helps ground me. I don't have to be scared anymore. I've learned I'm healing, that I don't have to run, that it's okay to be loved. And now I have something to look forward to, which is spending my life with someone that I really love and care about. Robbie, that takes security, the institution of marriage. Now, I don't know. And of course, this is for this. Of course this is for the gays. The lesbian specifically. I don't know how it works in a homosexual man relationship. How does the patriarchy works when there's two patriarchs? I don't know. And you couldn't pay me to find out.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Hello, I'm married. Hello, I'm wifed up. Hello, I'm pregnant.

[Gabby Dunn]

Just kidding.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Just getting. You know that can't happen. And as you know, we had a wedding. We did do it at one love Chapel with Reverend Nature. Big shout out. We love her. So we didn't necessarily need a wedding planner, but. But you do. And look no further than the knot. Only all of my friends use the knot. I've never heard of anything else. So you found your person. Lucky you. That is the hardest part. But now let the knot help with everything else. The knot connects you to the wedding inspo vendors, venues and planning tools you need to make your day. Totally you. When it comes to your wedding, you've got ideas. We've all seen the pinterest boards in your scrolling and you're scrolling in your scrolling. Wow. There's so many ideas. So the knot has the connections to make it happen. The knot's benefits are actionable inspiration and expert advice based on helping couples plan over 25 million real weddings. With photos, articles and more to help bring your vision to life. Plan anywhere, anytime with the wedding planning app with the most 5 star reviews. We love reviews. The knot has the most venues and vendors across any wedding site in any location. And honestly, I believe them. I'm sure because once again, it's all I've ever seen my friends use is the knot. Let the knot connect you to all of the people, places and tools you need to help bring your wedding to life. Get started at theknot.com audio that's T-H-E K N O-T.com a U D I O I have a long neck, a long, beautiful neck, might I add. But it's susceptible. It's susceptible to rom range of emotion if you didn't know what that means. And it's easy to neglect because you're.

[Gabby Dunn]

Always only thinking about your face, because.

[Robbie Hoffman]

You only want a skincare on your face, but you need something for your neck. So when I opened a package the other day to go pure for your neck, I was elated. It's called the Titan and Lift neck cream and it's amazing. I've been using it every night because it is. It's so easy to neglect the skin on your neck. It's nice to have a dedicated cream for your neck. So I was. I was like. I was amazed kind of at the softness and the hydration of my skin just after one use. Honestly. I kept touching it and I kept looking at it. Who. Who is this gorgeous neck? Do you have to take care of it because it's thinner and more delicate and like mine, it's really long, so it's just. It's just more susceptible. Okay. I have to be very good to it. Gopier's proprietary firming complex is designed to visibly firm and smooth the skin on your neck and chest in as little as four weeks. I am counting down the days. I'm so excited. 100% of users said their skin looked more supple and 97 noticed a firmer appearance. Its dermatologist recommended cruelty free, paraben free and sulfate free. We love to hear it tighten, lift and restore elasticity in your neck because your skincare routine shouldn't stop at your jawline. For a limited time. Our listeners get 25 off. Go Pure with Code Gabby at checkout. Just head to gopurebeauty.com Gabby use code GABBY and you're all set. And after you buy, do us a favor. When they ask where you heard about Gopier, tell them it was from our show.

[C]

We are Aaron and Sarah Foster. We have a podcast. We're here to basically ask you to listen to it. We're just trying to help you guys not make the same mistakes that we made in life. Yeah, we made a lot, especially me. I really went down some dark roads trying to save you guys from that. Our podcast is called the world's first podcast. We are technically the sisters behind the Nobody wants this podcast. It's inspired by us because you wrote it, so. Yeah, that's true. But when I write, I am inspired by myself all the time.

[Gabby Dunn]

Right?

[C]

That would make sense.

[Robbie Hoffman]

You Inspire you.

[C]

We're gonna wrap this up. Okay, guys, go check it out. World's first podcast.

[Gabby Dunn]

But that's where I'm at on marriage. And. And one more thing.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Let me chase it with some water.

[Gabby Dunn]

I have to stay hydrated. I'm doing a lot of work around here. I'm giving you a lesson that you need a year. I'm teaching you a thing or two. I'm taking care of my dog, monitoring his breasts second by second, minute by minute. And I have to hydrate and hold the cat for 20 minutes so she stops throwing up hairballs. Stress induced.

[Robbie Hoffman]

One last thing about the Christians.

[Gabby Dunn]

No, no, I never said anything bad. No, of course I'm not judging. I'm just saying. I just have one more thing to say, if you can believe. I'm not done talking yet. They're doing their best.

[Robbie Hoffman]

They're doing their best.

[Gabby Dunn]

As you know, I've been traveling. As you know. As you know, I've done my live TV rounds. All I will say, NBC might not be the most pleased with my behavior. And to that I say, are you surprised? And to that I say, I had. I have nothing. The production crew on Traders was maybe the best I've ever worked with. And I'll say that I never said. I didn't say that because I can give credit where credit is due. Of course. I love NBC. I'm just running my mouth. I'm just running my mouth. You're gonna put me on live TV and think I'm not gonna run my mouth? Hello. Hello. I see an opportunity when it sees me. It's all, love NBC. As you know, I've been traveling, so I have to take my work with me because I have to manage a lot. Okay. I have to catch a flight. I have to love my baby. I have to have sex. Have to. I want to. We gotta fit in the dirty. Because you want to know. Because you want to know my favorite. Just today, my favorite part of being a lesbian, and I understand this is in the same vein of right. Coming off and talk about evangelical Christians. Well, here's what you get. You want to know my favorite part of being lesbian? A lesbian. And today is washing my hands with the vibrator in the sink. I love a little surprise. I love a reminder of an orgasm. My favorite, as you know. But I know there's new ones around here daily, which thank you for the views, but it's too early to say if I can thank you for anything else. Yes, my favorite part is when. Is when I go fresh from Waking up in the morning, going to make a coffee and then wash my face. And there's a big bagel, very realistic dildo staring back at me. Suction cup to this thing. It needs to be washed. It's a life size model, so it's tiny. So it's four inches. Because look in your pants. Anyways, back to the Christian. So I've been traveling, so I had to record some ads in between live stints on tv, making headlines.

[Robbie Hoffman]

I turn on my little recorder I.

[Gabby Dunn]

Put in my ears to check my sound. All of a sudden I hear something of a swift foot. Something of a. Something like a swift foot. Oh, we're praising God. I just. I. I just need to talk about Birdie Gray. We love Birdie Gray around here. I didn't get a chance to use them, obviously, I didn't get a chance. I just didn't get a chance. So. So I put in. And then. And then I was switching around, and then I Switching around and then I was pressing this button and changing the mic and changing this and then all. Every time, a subtle Christian soft rock would come through. He is here. He is risen. Be grateful. Okay. It's still not working on me. What is going on? Is this a sign? I thought to myself, for one. And that's all it took to realize, no, it wasn't. Because why do you always have to look for a sign for it to be a sign? This must be a sign. I don't think so. Signs are always there, but you have to be looking. So it's not a sign. Because I'm always looking for my JBL speaker. I'm looking here, I'm looking there. Well, it's not there, so it's not fucking there.

[Robbie Hoffman]

But you have to look for a sign.

[Gabby Dunn]

So anyways. Anyways, then I opened up my mind a little bit. I turned on my conscious thinking, my gray matter. Oh, this is interference coming from the Christian rock station. AM or fm, I don't know. Of course they're trying to infiltrate into that. I say, good on you. Good on you. Okay, you guys, you got to think about Nardo, Okay? Okay. Well. Well, I do believe in the institution of marriage, but I don't believe in Coachella. Oh, does that hurt to hear? Oh, is it going to raise hairs on the back of your spine or are you going to take that personally? No, no, I don't want to go to Coachella. You've never seen me there before and you're not going to see me there now because. Because much to your surprise, maybe I have been invited before. Can. Yeah. In 2023 with Sheehan, weeks before the doc you dropped. Exposing their non quality fast fashion dumping ruining into the ocean and probably child labor acts being exposed. The second part, I'm not sure, but I'm only guessing. Yes. She invited me. Yeah. Yeah. And I said no then and I'm saying no now. And you know what? And they're all gonna come running back because I said it once and I'll say it twice. They're. They'll always come back because now it's a sick game. Now it's a sick game. Now they want their control to convince me to change my mind. Oh, yeah, you can do it. Come to Coachella. Come to me. Because they all want a piece of the pie. Because they all think I want to give them a piece of the pie. Dave Portnoy, Microsoft. Howie Mandel. I don't know anything about him, so I can't. So that's it. I just saw his DM and they're all coming back. No, no. I don't want to go to the middle of the desert with fickle wetter, wetter and weather dust everywhere, sweating my glam off that I'm expected to be in. I gotta sit in two hours to be glam, to stand outside through hazy blurry eyes fighting the hangover the night before because I have to numb this forsaken environment. And maybe I dabbled in the molly and mushroom, and then I have to do it all over again through earplugs because both my eardrums have perforated. I have tinnitus. And no, I cannot stand for that long. What do these quads look like to you? Durable, resilient. These little ligaments can't take it. These ACLs are not made for it. So I'm going to need a picnic chair and my eyeline will be blocked from the inevitable mosh pit of what I can only assume are teeny boppers and cowboy boots and fringed booty shorts. Leave the booty shorts out of it. Leave me out of it. No, no, no. I can't go and pretend to have Fun on my iPhone 13 with get ready with me's now the camera is following me. Oh, you want to get ready with me? Oh, you want to get ready? I can barely brush my teeth. Nonetheless, my hair. No, I'm not putting on deodorant these days because I'm scared for my health. I'm afraid of cancer. Go to Coachella, they say. Oh, and what about Stagecoach?

[Robbie Hoffman]

What about Stagecoach?

[Gabby Dunn]

Why don't you. Why don't you ride a horse bareback? No saddle, pussy lips, a chafe. That's what I think. That's what I think you should do. What about Stagecoach? Because I have ridden a horse, even in a saddle. And then I went home to numb the pain, got a little high, got in the shower, questioning deeply, thinking, could I have strained my gooch? Could I have pulled some unknown ligament muscle connecting the pussy to the asshole? Did I overextend it? Or. Or the worst of them all is my uterus prolapsing. And I even. And I haven't even had a baby. But once again, my ligaments are failing me. My ligaments are failing me. And then. And then if I went to Coachella, and then if I went to some. Some music festival, I'd have to take my Uniqlo detail with me. My security cannot get a day off here, and they will have to be put to work. They're going to have to fight the chance. Chance. Nts. Chance. Gaggy, gaggy, gaggy. Please perform business hours to a techno beat. Please get on stage. And as my detail is fighting them off, I'm gonna have to look at them. No, no. I got this one. Let me go. So I hop on stage, I pull off my shorts and sweatshirts into a flexible denim belly chain and baby tee, and I tell them to turn the bas. This one's for you.

[Robbie Hoffman]

No, I have business hours.

[Gabby Dunn]

I'll have to have a prompter for the. For the chance that I'll be too nervous and I'll forget the words, but inevitably, I'll nail it. I'll nail it. And if I do forget. That's okay. I'll. I'll pull a Fergie a la outdoor concert front handspring into a round off. Front, front, front. Hastily flipping around on the stage. And does anyone wonder why? No one wonders what happened to the Black Eyed Peas? Knowing you, you won't wonder from me. All right, well. Well, I do think that's it. I hate to be serious, but please think of Nardo. Okay? And. And I'll keep you updated next week on Long.

[Robbie Hoffman]

Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.