← Long Winded with Gabby Windey
Long Winded with Gabby Windey
I have lipedema
00:41:06
after months of trying to recover from the fasc*a bl@ster, I have finally received a diagnosis.
Loading summary
Transcript48 lines
- [00:00]
A
Whether you're a festival girly or catching local live music, Dove thinks the only thing you should worry about is getting a good view of the stage with the new Dove Alcohol free Whole Body Deodorant. You won't have to worry about your deodorant irritating your skin. It's packed with nourishing serum and free from irritating alcohol. Plus, you'll still enjoy 72 hour odor protection and irresistible fragrances for your pits, chest, thighs and more. Get the new alcohol free Dove Whole Body Dio on Amazon or at Walmart today.
- [00:31]
B
And now, a note from our sponsors. Sonic believes that even the smallest achievements deserve to be rewarded, preferably with a delicious hydrating Sonic refresher made with real fruit and energizing green tea. Canceled a free trial on time. Sip to that with a Berry Citrus Refresher. Remembered your password? Sip to that with the Mango Peach Refresher. Finally, book that oil change. No way. But sip to that with the Strawberry Passion Fruit Refresher. Try all new Sonic refreshers and sparkling or still for just 2.99 today.
- [01:14]
C
Hello. Hi. Hi. And welcome back. Oof. We forgot this for a while. I am into these topo chicos right now. I prefer the lime, but all they had was raspberry with lemon. As you can see, we have a guest today. Nardo's back. He's so happy, alive and well. Still Munchausens. Sometimes he acts sad when he wants attention, and he always has. But sometimes he takes it too far and gets bloody diarrhea for attention. You give him a little peanut butter, a little love, and he's. He's back to the healthiest he's ever been. And speaking of healthy, we have a packed episode today. I've fallen ill. This isn't easy for me to say, for I am quite vulnerable. Tmz. Take this and repeat every word that's coming out of my mouth. But I bet you won't, because you won't understand. This episode is simply because I had nothing else to talk about, so I decided to exploit. Okay, what's doing here?
- [02:29]
B
You know.
- [02:35]
C
All right. Excuse me. Okay, so you know. And I shall start with the disclaimer. I'm not a doctor and you should not listen to me. This is my experience, and I am not certified of anything. I am an unregistered nurse of. Of certification of More than the second amendment. I recommend you do not repeat what is repeated here. And please seek your own medical advice. You hear me? What I say is no advice given. What I say is. Is. Could Be very incorrect. And what I say. Shouldn't be taken as word. Okay? Everything I say here, anything and everything is just for pure entertainment and comedic purposes. But I don't know if this one's gonna be funny. Only if you have a. A sick heart and a dark soul like me. So why don't you gather around, light up whatever you got and listen.
- [03:40]
B
And now from our sponsors. You know these weddings, these bachelorette parties. Can I wear a short dress and high heels to a family wedding or
- [03:50]
C
will I be deemed a pervert? Pest.
- [03:53]
B
And what about the bachelorette pastels? No prints and absolutely no white. So you could spend hundreds of dollars trying to find these things or. Listen up and rent your clothes from Nuuly for $98.
- [04:09]
C
And guess what?
- [04:10]
B
It's sustainable. We're renting clothes and giving them back. And let's face it, over your dead body will you ever wear it again. Because you already got a picture for it in Instagram.
- [04:23]
C
So you can skip the existential guilt
- [04:26]
B
and rent from Nuh. Nuuly is a great value at 98amonth for any six styles. But right now you can get $28 off your first month when you sign up with the code. Just go to N u u l y.com and enter Gabby at signup to get $28 off your first month. That's N-U-U-L-Y.com Nuuly with two U's and code GABBY for 28 off your first month at Nuuly subscription clothing rental. Now a word from our sponsors.
- [05:03]
C
Summer. Summer. Summer time.
- [05:06]
B
They're saying summertime. It's almost summer. This is the time it does. This brings me nostalgia to. I was just talking about it. Summertime is what we live for. A real break from school. You remember that. But I have something to tell you. I also have something to tell you. It's important to keep young minds active. And I Excel helps kids stay engaged and avoid losing progress between school years.
- [05:37]
C
Hello. Hello.
- [05:39]
B
You're going back to school. The smartest one in the class. You know what I mean? I Excel is an award winning online learning platform that helps kids truly understand what they're learning. IXL is used in 96 of the top 100 school districts in the U.S. and studies show kids who use IXL score higher on tests proven in all 50 states. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now and long winded with Gabby. Windy listeners can get an exclusive 20% off IXL membership when they sign up today at ixl.com gabby. Visit ixl.com gabby to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price
- [06:31]
C
into this, we'll start with something called lipedema. Oh, I have that lipedema. And you wish you could too because it makes my ass really big. But it is swollen with fluid, so I don't even know if it counts. That's right, swollen. Swollen to the size of about a medium watermelon. Not quite ripe, but not a baby. Maybe about plus 1/3 of the size of normal that my legs and my ass normally is. I don't know if that's a measurement, but you know what I mean. Plus one third. Not plus one and a half, but just plus one third. It's filled with fluid that cannot escape. It's stuck. It's stuck. Get out, I plead. My legs have also one thirded in the size, but heavy. They feel exhausted by a mere three to ten steps of a stair. Yeah, that is quite a range. It obviously depends on the stair and the height and the surface rubble. Forget it. I've tried to get it out. This fluid. I'm wearing compression tights right now. And every single day. You think these are. You think these are comfortable? They're squeezing my legs and I don't even know if they work. I rub my legs with castor oil at night and really shake those things around. That's what. What the doctor said. And shake them and shake them and shake them. I do them a long one. I drink non FDA approved tea with only the witch who brewed it knows what its contents are. That's enough for me. A little more IP to get rid of the fluid. But it's not enough. The fluid, it still sloshes around my body. And you'll remember. You'll remember if you're not new around here, the impetus of this edematous legs, which is the fascia blaster. This was the impetus. But I am an honest man when I say no, it's not all her fault, that scammer Ashley Black. But a lot of it is. And she is still a dangerous woman with a dangerous stick of a fascia blast off that I will recommend to stay away from. But as you've heard before, I am no doctor. See what your doctor says. And your doctor better say stay away or else he is no doctor of the Hippocratic oath. Months of 45 minutes on the treadmill in the office watching Real Housewives of New York while walking at an incline of 12 and a speed of three. The spooky episode that gets me through. I heard this 12, 3, 30 cured cancer once. Then I was going to Pilates in my said compression tights that lie around my body right now with sweatpants over the top so no one could get a glimpse at these ailed legs. And because I cannot take these compressions are but my legs are weak. It hurts that day and the next I can barely walk. So what? Who cares? I continue along the office treadmill and the Pilates. It must get better, it must improve. But there is no avail as I lateral squat along the bungees. What in the world could still be going on with my legs? They look like some kind of a sand dune and the color is very similar. Must I add for my skin tone remains impeccable. Thank God the one thing I have to hold onto I relentlessly Google it has to be a seroma from the Reddit threads I have most recently studied for that is where I get my information. No, not PubMed, no Science Direct, no Google Scholar. I go straight to Reddit for these are anecdotes of the people. So I get referred to someone who I was hoping would simply suck out my seroma and send me on my way my old legs back in action. And that was that. Yet another scam. I go how many times do I say they are my Achilles heel. I love a scam. They're the way to my heart. On this referral I get sent to a naturopath of types of a surgeon, whatever that is, and she says no thing of lipedema. Just looks at my heavy bare butt and feels the knee and says hmm, quite possibly, quite maybe a lymphatic illness of sorts. She says try some of these interventions and all should be well. These interventions include 18 tubes of blood to check every single nutrition marker. But this is none of my business. Come back here. The surgeon says to get a treatment and I think you could use a facial for the texture. I see. So I'll see you then. I had no choice. What is this Facial is supposed to heal my watery legs? Well, I will do anything at this point I return to the holistic surgeon of Reiki and some kind of a rolling pin rubs on each limb while scratching up my calves. Ouch, ouch. Is it supposed to hurt? Yes, of course, she says, while a face mask is sucking on my skin so tight it is beginning to burn and I feel the onset of claustrophobia. Sit like this for an hour. This treatment atypical? Possibly. But I had high hopes for I am a hopeful person for what are we without hope the sea of water. 75% of your body is water. Sure, but mine is a near 110. This water and my body will be sucked right out of my nasal pores with this face mask. I know it. She then refers me to a special kind of masseuse. This masseuse is magic with her hands and the only one I must trust. She reports. Okay, I immediately make an appointment for the next day. I call her in the car over speakerphone. Please help me. These gams will be back in no time. I know it. But. But if I ask, if I ask. There's a God above. May I please keep the ass? If there is selective fluid getting out, please keep the ass ones not inside, but right around the cheek. I drive 45 minutes into a strange town in LA. I've never been. It's something named of a sawtelle, but who cares? This magic hands healer shall hear me and heal me. In this alleyway. I get shaken around in weird places. And then I have to pee immediately. She touches my knee. Do you have to pee? Well, of course I do. It's like touching of a belly button. But I cannot get these massages every day. For Sawtel is just far. And it's obviously crazy to get a massage every day. What? Who am I? I'm no Epstein, but I do go back three or four times. And while I'm being shaken, we talk about all kinds of stuff. For some reason, maybe this will in fact help the excretion of this damned fluid. We talk about things like our mommy issues and how Las Vegas is the real America. We talk about aliens. Sure, I'll entertain it even though I don't care. I have bigger problems on my mind, like these. Like these big swollen legs. And we also talk about a massive weed discount. Like three hours away, but you get half off everything. It'll last her about a week. She says a week. It just sounds too far for me. But let me know how it is. And I leave out the door. Now that I'm thinking of her, I do need to go back. Actually. I have her number in my phone. But then I have to escape to New Jersey because I have. I have work to do. I'm supposed to earn a paycheck. I wear compression tights every day and put my legs up the wall. I am upside down a mere 23 hours a day. And I get some kind of an AI prescription for spironolactone from Amazon. Like I said, I am not a doctor. I play a la carte with my own body. I have just enough education to be dangerous. I googled urgent care. Virtual visits. Cause I wanted to see if I could con a doctor into giving me some spironolactone to help me pee. And a virtual visit is the sure way to do it. But I didn't want to tell her. I didn't want to actually tell the truth about what was going on. I just wanted to pick my own meds and see what works for these aqueous legs. And then it said, Amazon offers virtual visits. Hallelujah. For only X amount of X amount of dollars a month. Here, take my money. And you can even just chat. Chat, they say you could even just exchange in words with a doctor, in quotation marks they say about your signs and symptoms and see if they want to prescribe you something. This is very safe. I'm sure this is a very safe practice. I say to myself as I type on the keys. But I understand if there was one person to hack the system, of course it could be me. I would lose my medical license right away if I had one, because I would write so many various prescriptions for myself. I like to dabble. You know me, I have a proclivity. I have once to all kinds of medication, to Meloxican, to Prednisone, to Spironolactone. But Amazon is my new plug. Ever heard of her? I just chatted. Chatted. I typed with whoever is on the other side. I assume it was a robot based on his grammar. And the same day my prescription arrived. And who. Where am I? New Jersey. I said I had hormonal acne and sent in pictures from 2019. But they cannot discern for they are too dumb and easy to dupe. It helps me get. It helps me get a little bit rid of more fluid, but nothing substantial. I'm still blowing up like the Unabomber in Oklahoma City. I apologize. I'm still filled with this sewage and my jeans are tight and I have to squeeze in because I wear compression tights under the jeans. And thank God it's winter. But when will it get better? On set, I cannot wear compression leggings for the lower half of my leg is showing, or I cannot elevate my legs or else the lower half of my pussy will show and I cannot get the endosphere. So my pencil skirt, it fits different every day. Some days it fits just right and some days it's too tight to button. I don't know what's going on. I say the wardrobe. I guess I'm just on my period. I lie. I know my body's turning against me. I grow accustomed to this capricious body, always changing moods and not easy to predict. She has the borderline personality disorder. It's impossible to predict the moods. And lo and behold, it was bound to happen. Like a premonition from the skirt being too tight one day and not the other. I ripped that Dolce and Gabbana skirt on the last night of filming. Not because my lymphatic system was exploding into it, but because I shall not say now, I shall not give that away now. But you will learn. My listeners, my dogs, they barely fit in my nude platforms. The little one on the end yapping and barking like a chihuahua trying to set itself free, but the little paw cannot get out. I ask. Three days into my uncomfortability of my body's supernatural ability to retain fluid, I asked costumes if they would kindly get me a new set of shoes. Well, they can't by tomorrow, but maybe they could stretch, for this is my shoe size. But they're not fitting. I don't know what's going on with my ankles. The fluid has gone down to the mere heels of my feet. They've descended. They agree to stretch my Shikolas. And on the final and last day, I can finally fit them comfortably on my feet. Can you believe it? Can you believe the irony? I find myself in another odd town of New York City called the Financial District. But it did not seem to have a lot of financial in it, if I can be honest. Here, there was no money around, but it didn't stop me. The trash on the floor. I take the 20 minute walk there after a bad coffee in the neighborhood coffee shop and a cigarette. And I'm greeted by a Ukrainian woman and she explains what this endosphere does and what it will feel like and to take off my pants immediately. But do I need disposable underwear? No, not this time. But can I take those just in case? You never know what's right around the corner. Maybe a severe snail trail. I'm sweating. I'm sweating from my long walk and my jeans on top. A compression which makes you sweat even more. And she takes a different kind of rolling pin and rubs it all over my legs for 45 minutes and it feels good. And I think it's working. Finally, finally I found a solution. After one session. I think this may be the answer. Well, she says upon checkout, would you like a tea and a package of six? You're here for two weeks and in the beginning you can do it. Three times a week, but not two days. Back to back. Yes, I'll take six massages in two weeks because why not? As you know, I am easily conned and I love a scam. And but most of all, I love this Ukrainian woman. She has a key to my heart.
- [19:48]
B
And now from our sponsors, you know these weddings, these bachelorette parties. Can I wear a short dress and high heels to a family wedding or
- [19:58]
C
will I be deemed a pervert pest.
- [20:01]
B
And what about the bachelorette pastels? No prints and absolutely no quite so. You could spend hundreds of dollars trying to find these things or listen up and rent your clothes from Nuuly for $98.
- [20:17]
C
And guess what?
- [20:18]
B
It's sustainable. We're renting clothes and giving them back. And let's face it, over your dead body will you ever wear it again because you already got a picture for it in Instagram. So you can skip the existential guilt and rent from newly already. Nuuly is a great value at $98 a month for any six styles. But right now you can get $28 off your first month when you sign up with the code. Just go to N u u l y.com and enter Gabby at signup to get $28 off your first month. That's N-U-U-L-Y.com Nuuly with two U's and code Gabby for $28 off your first month at Nuuly. Subscription clothing rental. This show is sponsored by Better Help.
- [21:12]
C
And you know what?
- [21:13]
B
I just got done with therapy. I just walked in the door because I have too much time to think these days. I'm off one job. I don't know when the next one's coming. And it's making me worry. It's making me worry about the future. So if you've been feeling overwhelmed, stuck, anxious or unsure, that's okay. Those feelings are more common than we think.
- [21:36]
C
I have them. You have them.
- [21:37]
B
We have them. May is Mental health Awareness month. A good reminder you do not have to go through those feelings alone. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform. Just take a short questionnaire to identify your needs and preferences. And BetterHelp will handle the initial therapist matching work for you. You don't have to be on this journey alone. Find support and have someone with you in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off@betterhelp.com Wendy that's better h lp.com Wendy.
- [22:19]
C
Speaking of a key to my heart, I'm dying of hunger, but shall I eat with this accursed ailment that has fallen upon me. I am diseased. Every day, every second is a challenge. What can I do to fix this? Are my legs bigger than yesterday or my jeans a little bit tighter? Is my ass a little bit wider? Yes, I say. Robbie says I need to see a different psychiatrist. You're gaslighting. And is not something you should do to the one you love. She continues back to my beloved Ukrainian woman. She is a diamond in the rough of these lumpy legs. She is an ER nurse back in the Ukraine and she loves it so much and she misses it along with her daughter and she wants to go back to the er. Huh. Well, we need this nurse of rare passion to go. We do. We need her at the bedside. She spent the last two years studying the NCLEX in America. She's exhausted, but I have a feeling she knows there's more money in aesthetics these days because she's getting sucked right back in. And I trust her and she's full of knowledge and to the endosphere I go and I go and I adhere to her schedule and when she is in the office because now I have an attachment after a mere 45 minutes. Anyways, she has this heart of gold and eyes of aqua and I think she kept calling me beautiful in a Ukrainian accent and it worked on me. I'll do the six in two weeks, please. Maybe it'll help. Maybe it'll, maybe it won't. But at least I'll get to see you every other day. And you. You are making my soul heal. It's still hard to say, but I did start wearing Spanx and I quickly fell in love. I did. I've been taken. I took too long in my life to adopt the Spanx. They're not lying. They're not lying on the marketing. They really suck you in. But not in an uncomfortable way. Almost uncomfortable way because you get the support right where you need it. Your solar plexus, your North Star, your trauma center is being held like a secret by these Spanx. So I try not to take them off and I'll get three endospheres a week plus the Spanx and walk a mile each day in my Miu Miu loafers. But my legs shrivel by maybe 5 to 7%. That's it. Some may call me highly susceptible to placebo effect. So if someone tells me there will be results I will absolutely get them in this 5 to 7%. But is that just enough? Can I accept this acceptance? She also back to my Ukrainian woman. She sells me the spicy cream, while it comes from Italy and they're at the forefront of this. Well, I think you have maybe some cellulite and some say it works really well. But you have to, you must use it every night. No skips, no nights off, she says to me intently with those turquoise eyes, looking right into my over fluid soul. If you want to be in a short pink matching pajama set that she got you for Valentine's Day, she being my real beloved, who sits next to me, sleeps next to me every night, you must apply the lotion first. The lotion stings and about 20 minutes later this stinging lotion, it turns your epidermis bright red. It's a cherry color. Am I burning my skin off? Am I going to have a chemical reaction? Will this land me in a different kind of a hospital for eight short hours? She says it's okay for it to burn and turn red, says the Italian bottle. However, if one places their hand in between their knees that have been freshly seasoned when they're watching a movie on their iPad because the TV is too far away, it will get on your hands and your arms. Is that safe? It's changing colors fast. Maybe. But is it blanchable? Barely. I can't tell. And I use every soap product in the Nine Orchard Hotel to wash it off my arms and my hands. It doesn't work. Eventually I fly home. I wear multiple compression tights on the flight. I need double duty. I need twice the compression to maintain the well affecting of my unbidden extremities. I need twice the compression, I mean to maintain the effectiveness of these compressions on my unbidden extremities. I mean something about the air in the cabin. What about it makes one's ankles disappear right then before your eyes? The lack of air pressure in the cabin. It takes your ankles away right as you're watching it. Poof. Be gone. Give me those back. So you try another intervention to get your ankle back. You put your feet on the back seat of the person in front of you and I apologize. I know some of you aren't gonna like this and you've already got your butt cheeks clenched and you're ready to leave a comment, but I apologize, I am in first class. This going downhill fast between you and I. But listen, there was a big plastic divider between my row and his row. My feet weren't even near his head. His head a mere one foot of the feet away. And they're dainty. They're daintily lied with clean socks. Might I add, because the last time I chanced to just take my socks to an airplane bathroom, I went in right after the captain responsible for flying our plane, responsible for hundreds of lives. I went in the bathroom after this captain and there was piss all over the floor. You make me sick. This piss was sticking to my sock like flubber. I swear and I swear and I swear it. So I took those socks off and threw them out of the window and out sucked my edema. No, I wish. But men will forever be disgusting, no matter their little captain's hat. And if they can fly a plane, well, AI can do that someday. Look at the Waymo. They're disgusting and they're proud. So my legs are elevated. Pee not on my socks this time. The flight attendant came by almost speechless and told me, you can't do that. And it annoyed Sotto Voss. I'm not one to argue with authority, so I nod and put them down. But little did she know I would have lipedema. And just a few short weeks. I have an illness. Then what would she have said? And the only thing that can provide even an ounce of relief on this dreaded airplane is elevation. I forgive her, for she did not know back then. So I get home immediately. The search for the holy kneecap continues. I've never really had a knee, I say. I've just always had a no knee. I've never thought anything different. But hang on, this is new important information here. But now my knee, it is fully encapsulated by what looks like a very mature anteater nose. I decide to try my hand at another scam. I ended my sessions with the Ukrainians with a session of the Venus Legacy radio frequency. They say this makes a difference. Now this makes a real difference. All you need is eight to 10 sessions, but you will be like new high split to LA and I buy 10 sessions immediately. Also conned into 10 more massages. But I don't even like the way they do the lymphatic massage. It's supposed to be gentle, but they're scraping on my belly, scraping on my belly, scraping on my belly. Does it hurt? Yeah. And I'm not sure what this Venus legacy is doing, but it doesn't hurt. And there's a red light attached which must be healing. This will surely pull the levy on the fluid. I go once, I go twice, I go thrice. No real improvement, but who's to say? I need eight to ten more of these? But shouldn't I be close to some kind of a definition of the quadricep and the butt cheek. But right now my butt cheek is just turning into my thigh, thick with fluid. Finally, just, finally our surveilled state got to know me enough that a picture of a skinny girl with lipedema comes across my feed this thing of lipedema. Or maybe I was manically googling different happenings that could be affecting my legs. This is taking up all of my brain power day in and day, night, right before I go to bed. It is all consuming. I'm stressed. This cannot be good for increased inflammation. But apparently this lipedema isn't a symptom of being overweight. So women of any size can have it. And of 20 course, get this, men don't really get it. So whatever. I begin a new level of acceptance. But lipedema. I go search the symptoms. Fluid retention obviously. Does a bear shit in the woods? I check tenderness or pain, especially around the saddlebags. Oh yeah, baby, it hurts to touch a pee type fat. Remember, I am no doctor, I say, and no doctor that I have seen thus far for the lip. A has mentioned the P fat, but I know I have it. It's a different kind of fat. When you squeeze it together, you see little peas. Easy bruising. Yes, yes.
- [32:14]
B
It's new.
- [32:15]
C
And it's so weird. I was hoping it was nothing. How does one get this lipedema? I worry and I worry. Well, I guess it can exacerbate from hormonal changes and other things. In parentheses, the fascia blaster. Here I go. It's all starting to make sense. My current antidepressant has made my tits ginormous, which I've loved, which I've been ignoring because I like them and I like my new cleavage and I want them around. And my periods have gotten lighter. Would I trade these big titties for a smaller ass? I'm not sure. Okay, so what? So so what? Maybe this could be from an antidepressant. But this has happened on an antidepressant before. It's not that important. I take it to the graves, sister. I'm not gonna tell anyone or everyone. And then it dawns on me. The hormonal change that spurred my life, that has forever changed, AKA these heavy legs. I have fallen ill. I cry in the middle of the night to Robbie through tears and sobs. And she has been somewhat of a vehement denier that anything has changed at all with me or my marinated legs. And those legs, being clear, are marinated from inside. But she's in love with me. When she looks at me. She only sees me with a big heart floating around my body. And she sees the sexiest woman that's ever lived. Her words, not mine. She could never tell a difference, for she sees my soul. I cry to my baby though, and I say it's my mental health or my body. I cannot have both. I break down little more throwing a pity party. And sometimes that's okay. I love a pity party. That's what therapy is for. And wah wah, why me? It feels good. I cry like a baby, but do it in privacy. No one wants to be privy to your pity. So Robbie cannot see me sad. She gives me a big hug and she says, I just want you to be okay, lovey. And she really meant it. So Robby steps into action and somehow makes an appointment for a consultation with the plastic surgeon that does this lipedema surgery. All this lipedema is making my mouth dry. I need a sip. Is this. I like a delivery.
- [34:59]
B
I love a delivery.
- [35:00]
C
Sue me.
- [35:00]
B
I'm sorry. We are victims and perpetrators of capitalism. But I was in a pinch. I was in a pinch because I'm going to a premiere tonight with Robbie. I had no idea. And my foundation isn't matching my face anymore.
- [35:16]
C
It's feeling a little cakey.
- [35:17]
B
And I hear Giorgio Armani just reformulated. So I did. I went to Instacart and they have a Sephora and I got to pick exactly what I needed. Two shades mixed together with a little bit of a blush and a tubular mascara. They did it all. They got it all. With Instacart, you don't have to choose between quality and convenience. With just a few taps you can shop from your favorite grocery stores and have quality groceries and household essentials, AKA foundation, selected and ready for pickup or delivered to your door through Instacart in as fast as 30 minutes. Instacart brings convenience, quality and ease right to your doors so you can focus on what matters most. Download the Instacart app now and get groceries just how you like.
- [36:21]
C
Robbie is sick of it. She's tired of seeing my lachrymosal eyes welled with tears of self pity and fluid like legs. So a few days later we are in Beverly Hills in front of an interesting looking man, might I say with veneers, the Chiclet kinds and a lot of Botox. Robbie thought it was filler, but she does not know the difference between good skin, Botox and a filler. But maybe that's par for the course
- [36:47]
B
for he is a plastic surgeon.
- [36:49]
C
What is he not gonna do what? Is he not supposed to dabble? But I hope and I wish he wouldn't. Anyways, he looked at my legs in an oversized dressing gown that made me feel uglier than I ever was under the fluorescent lights. He did a weird assessment by pinching me all over my body and asking if it hurt. Well, of course you're pinching me. He said this assessment was inconclusive. Anyways, so before he would proceed with any discussions of a surgery to abate this lipedema, it was a must I get a diagnosis. And he referred me to a grandmother of sorts of lipedema medicine. Any other question we might have had for you? Go see the doctor when you have questions. He referred us to a YouTube he made for an hour and a half long. What am I paying you for? For you to get views on your own YouTube. Can I not have one con artist in my life? No. I'm a magnet. I'm attracted to them. But this godmother of lipedema is impossible to get into because she is referred to all around the world, it seems as I wait on hold for minutes to hours. But I will. I will wait and wait and wait and wait to get answers of this accursed disease. Someone answers to set my appointment in October. Wow. Wow. This doctor specialist is so very popular, which makes me want to see her even more. Lo and behold, I search for clinics in Arizona. However, this is an emergency. But I beg and I beg and I beg and I beg to be put on the cancellation list. I am not too proud, and there must have been enough desperation in my voice because five minutes later they called and they said they had a cancellation today. Could I make it by 12:30? I went straight to Santa Monica. The old but completely adorable grandmother of lipedema walks in and takes one look at me. I'm not even undressed yet. My pants are to my knees. Should I take off the rest? Yes, the door wide open. She takes one look at me and she says, oh, yeah, you have it. Huh huh? And just like that. And that. Easy. I've been fighting this for months and months and months, and I've wanted answers. I've slutted my legs and swollen ass in different states and machines and doctors and masseuses and nobody ever told me which. Such confidence in an heir that I have lipedema. But this lady, she's got us pegged. She could see us from a mile away. She says, in the airports, I always am looking for it, though I shouldn't. It's that anteater knee, she says, and that subtly swollen ankle. But I always just thought I had swollen ankles and a bit of an anteater knee. It was just my plight. This was the one acceptance, plus all the fluid and pain and achy in my body. You have it. I have it. I don't know if I feel worse
- [39:59]
B
or better,
- [40:03]
C
but to further prove it and that I have it, Nana pulls out an ultrasound machine, the gold standard for diagnosing lipedema. I knew it was going to be something of the sort because I almost bought my own ultrasound myself. I was sick of these doctors just telling me I had cellulite. And then maybe I had a hormonal thing, which I do, but I cannot change it for it. This is the only antidepressant that's ever worked for me. But these ultrasounds are cheap and can connect straight to your iPad. One touch of the probe and she says, there it is. It's dancing. It's going up and down and up and down. It's dancing. What is dancing? I see it. It's curvy. It's like a broken heartbeat. And there is my fascia. She says it's dancing. But it's supposed to be still. It's supposed to be frozen. A freeze tag. It's supposed to be a straight line like the one under it, just a couple centimeters away. But mine dance, much like my body. I've always had an affiliation for rhythm, and I guess my love of music is overtaking my body. This medicine woman goes on to explain. I was born with this depraved illness. It's just in your DNA, she says. You have it or you don't, and you do. I don't know how you hid it for so long, she says, exasperated. You just must have been hiding it. It was how you were hiding it. It was being hidden. You must have been hiding it all those years, since forever before you were technically born with it. Well, what can I do now? When can I just pull the trigger on surgery? Please help me. I've been on this. I've been at this for months. Doctor, please don't give me any interventions or holistic things like no sugar and no carbs and no dairy, she continues to say. She says no cow dairy. So now I'm on sheep milk. Just a slight dash in the coffee because I don't believe in unpasteurized things. But hopefully it's safe because it is sold at the stores of Erewhon. No breathing, no drinking, she says. Also swim. Swimming is the Best for it, just swim, just freestyle, just float in the water. For my ass is too fat, it sinks. So now you must get a swim cap which will be here on Wednesday. And a one piece also on Wednesday. And find a rec center with an indoor pool. And you can put the swim cap on and the swimsuit and you'll be surrounded by older plebeians. It feels so vulnerable swimming and putting on all that gear for exercise. What do you think? I look good in a swim cap. What about my ears? They're susceptible to swimmers ears. So now I need earplugs. And it's dorky. It's dorky. And only old people swim. I'm sorry. And the other ones that are in the pool are the ones with lipedema. But now all I need to add on to no cow dairy, milk and no joy of life is a swimming lesson. Cause I don't know how to swim. And I will never be subject to a swimming lesson. What am I, five? I should have learned back then. But my parents dropped the ball. I'm stuck here. Can I do the breaststroke for Lipedema? All of this for an improvement of 10%. She adds, forget I asked. So then she puts me in inflatable compression boots in which I looked up afterwards for used ones on ebay. Because I love a device. My office is filled with devices and she tells me to come back when I have insurance for therapy. She misses me. She really took to me. But thank you, grandma. I know this therapy ain't shit. For I've been doing this therapy. So I continue my rabid search for a cure besides surgery or wiring my jaw. Clothes. Aha. The vibration plate. I get one to put in the office. This will save me. And a vitamin that I can barely pronounce. This one girl used it and she says it cured her. This in the vibration plate in tandem. And it looks great. Can I take it with my medicine of Nardo? I don't know. And these before and afters of this woman. Was there different lighting? Of course. Do I care? No. So I'll just be here vibrating. So please think of me. And that's it really. So I'm staring at my compression legs and which leaves all of these imprints. And then I will do my legs up the wall for the third time today and let this consume my whole body and mind. Before. After enduring my whole lifespan. I meditate. It doesn't help. I drink water. It doesn't help. I'm stuck here locked in a box. But it is my fate. They Say shit's in your DNA. She says, it is just my fate. She goes, you're beautiful and you're smart. You can't have it all. Those people in the airport, she has a lot of airplane experience. I guess those people in the airports, they don't have it all when they have skinny legs. And that might be just enough to get me through because I know, I know my God doesn't give with two hands. And you know what? I don't even think he knows who his strongest soldiers are, because I wouldn't be one of them. But here I am. I'm given his greatest battle. But he has me mistaken. I am a weak soldier, a ten hut master I can't handle. It fills me with anxiety. But I cannot take an advan for leads to a rebound agitation. And if you think I'm patient these days with extra swelling and inflammation getting to my brain, you are dead wrong. I need something. I need a relief. It is nowhere near. So I sit here. But I'm fine. I really feel fine about it. Don't worry about me. Okay, well, this is it. But lots of people have it. They say Doja Cat went to one of the surgeons and she wrote, she put a story on her Instagram. I'm not outing her HIPAA patient information. Mariah Carey has it. There's pictures this all found on the Internet. This is not hipaa. May I repeat myself? She loves to take pictures with with the tape from her liposuction. I mean, everyone has it. Just people don't know they have it. Apparently affects 18 to 20 to 30 to 50% of women. We just don't know. We think this is our body. I would show you pictures before and after, but that would leave me too vulnerable. But maybe one day I will. But honestly, I don't need to be the face of lipedema because we all really have it in some way or another. Get your dancing fascia ultrasounded because you probably have it too. Again, I'm a doctor. You probably don't have it. Okay. I mean, I'm not a doctor. I'm not a doctor. I say you probably don't have it and don't follow in my footsteps. Go to your primary care provider with your insurance. But I don't have insurance. So I found a way around the system.
- [47:45]
B
I go to urgent care every couple
- [47:47]
C
of months the the copay less than what I would pay monthly on health insurance and by golly, G sag will not let me on even though I pay thousands of dollars of dues. On. I am. No, you cannot have this health insurance. You have to wait for open enrollment, which I will never tell you anything about because I want to make it hard for you to go on and search your lipedema. I want it to be painful for you in multiple ways and by the most way out of your bank account ending in xxx. So that's just it. Okay. But until next time, we'll see what kind of mood I am then for the inflammation might have fully gotten to my brain. And maybe I hope so because I like to act a little funny here and then. Okay, that's really it.
- [48:54]
D
Traditional home security only alerts you after a break in. And that's too late. Simplisafe is changing that.
- [49:00]
C
Stop. This is Simplisafe. Police are on the way.
- [49:03]
D
We don't just alert, we stop crime before it starts. Simplisafe plans starting around a dollar a day, save 50% on your new system with professional monitoring at simplisafe.com sxm or with promo code sxm Outdoor deterrence requires a Simplisafe Activity Guard Outdoor Protection plan starting at $49.99 a month.
- [49:19]
C
Visit simplisafe.com licenses for alarm license information.
- [49:22]
D
Tennessee 2012 Breathe in. Feel the sense of calm that comes from having up to $300 in overdraft protection with Goto Bank. Now. Did you say $300? Yes. Now back to our breathing.
- [49:35]
B
So if I overspend my balance, Goto
- [49:37]
D
bank has my back up to $300? Yes. Can we breathe out now? Less worries, more zen. With over $300 in overdraft protection tap to open an account today. Eligible direct deposits and opt in required for overdraft protection fees. Terms and conditions apply.