New kind of lobotomy

Summary

Podcast Summary: "New Kind of Lobotomy" — Long Winded with Gabby Windey (April 30, 2026)

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Episode Overview

In this solo episode of Long Winded, Gabby Windey delivers a meandering, comedic, and starkly honest meditation on personal nostalgia, mental health, therapy malaise, queer identity, the pop culture landscape, and the fragility of emotional well-being. Spurred by alone time while her partner, Robbie, is on the road, Gabby spirals into candid reflections about depression, American streaming habits, her complicated relationship to therapy and medication, and her ongoing search for meaning and relief—a journey she likens, with dark humor, to craving a "new kind of lobotomy.”

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Nostalgia, Sadness, and Time’s Relentlessness

• Gabby opens with a humorous yet poignant rumination on nostalgia and the passage of time.
  • She admits nostalgia makes her feel sad—poignant in its classic sense.
  • “I can't wait for it to go away. I don't like nostalgia… it makes me feel sad… Because it's the past and… you can't go back there even if it was bad. It's… kind of sad that it's like time's running out, actually.” (03:10)
• She ties this to the feeling of “current nostalgia”—when you’re already missing something as it’s happening.

2. Pop Culture, Streaming, and the Joys of Tubi

• Gabby muses on American streaming culture, bemoaning the constant commercials and tiered paywalls of platforms like Peacock, and her recent discovery/affection for Tubi ("free, weird, LGBTQ friendly").
  • “Tubi itself is very LGBTQ friendly... But let me tell you what is missing. Where's the P? Where's the LGBTQ P for the pansexuals.” (08:00)
  • She compares Tubi’s oddball offerings to luxury platforms, relishing its “low-brow, filmed-on-an-iPhone commercials” and “gym locker room” energy.
  • Hilariously rails against the uselessness of old VCR tapes: “Capitalism and the yard sales have gone too far. Please just throw them away or let's find a recycle program or something. Or bring them back in a meaningful way.” (17:26)
• Defensive of her streaming tastes, Gabby highlights how Tubi's content—“series like...Intervention,” “My Strange Addiction,” and “the Lesbian Homie”—feeds her sense of connection and nostalgia for “movies we actually know.”

3. Loneliness, Relationship Dynamics, and Day-to-Day Coping

• She opens up about her emotional dependence on her partner, Robbie, and the void she feels in Robbie’s absence.
  • “When Robbie's not around, I lose myself. Suddenly, I can't operate. I'm frozen in time just like an ice cube… but not having any kind of curiosity or determination… I'm just not interested.” (25:33)
  • Gabby details her routine for coping: binge-watching, chain-smoking, and trying to parcel the day into palatable 15-minute increments.

4. Mental Health: Therapy, Medication, and the Great Plateau

• This episode’s core revolves around Gabby’s frank disillusionment with traditional therapy and psychiatric care.
  • She recounts hitting a wall after years in therapy—“I've run out of things to say… I've plateaued. I've been talking about the same stuff and there's been no new findings.” (44:00)
  • Explains her issues with medication fatigue and the desire to quit: “Sometimes I try and take light of it, but other times I'm just worried that they're gonna make me nauseous… and people are going to be like, EMDR, done it. People are going to be like, ketamine therapy. Done it. Loved it. Did nothing for my ongoing issues.” (47:00)
• Fantasizes about a new kind of quick-fix: “I need something physical, something manual, maybe something of a brain shock... If they could shock, maybe my knee and that shock could go right up to my brain and fix me. Hell yeah. But I'm not gonna have them shock my actual brain. Are you kidding me? I'll take what I have left.” (48:05)
• Touches on the dangers and irony of romanticizing mental hospitals/female-only spaces, referencing “Girl, Interrupted”: “Maybe I have an infatuation with mental hospitals, but kinda… maybe because it's a woman-only space… You're just as crazy as you want to be. Girls being girls.” (39:01)

5. Pop Psychology, Wellness Fads, and Therapy Influencers

• Skewers self-help trends (notably Mel Robbins), noting frustration with “regurgitated” advice.
  • “Let them is still somehow through false marketing and bribing Amazon and some kind of fake fucking news… She's nothing but a quack and regurgitating things we've already heard a million times especially if you've done any learning about eastern religion. But she gets all of the money, not Pema Chödrön.” (46:30)

6. On the Intractability of People-Pleasing & Society’s ‘Fake Rules’

• Gabby links people-pleasing to her depression, identifying it as “the death of us all”—instilled by fear of physical danger and social rules.
  • “Why do we have to please these people? We will never see them again… every time a creepy guy does say hi… you can't look at them in the eye and say fuck you because you're afraid that they're going to beat you up… People pleasing is the death of us all.” (50:30)
• Advocates for defiance and freedom from arbitrary rules, using airplane etiquette as an extended metaphor: “I should be free to inhale any kind of air that there is. But there's so many stipulations on breathing at this point in the airplane ride. So an airplane is a great way to test your boundaries.” (51:43)

7. Memorable Media Digression: 'Girl, Interrupted'

• Gabby recaps “Girl, Interrupted” on Tubi and rhapsodizes about Winona Ryder and Angelina Jolie’s ‘90s/early-00s charisma and the lost innocence of pop culture.
  • “I love her shoplifting ass… we now know the plight of a childhood actor and she got off pretty much scot free if all she's doing is shoplifting after it all.” (35:48)
  • “Angelina Jolie, even through my depression. That's how strong her presence. How are her lips like that? And how are they so real?” (36:39)

8. Therapy Exhaustion & Desire for a "New Lobotomy"

• The episode title surfaces as Gabby wishes for a total emotional and cognitive reset—acknowledging it's dark humor, but resonant.
  • “After this new century lobotomy… then I will have made progress for once in my life… And maybe they don't have to go in my nose… maybe it'll be a little painless… There's no plasticity anymore, only steel.” (50:10)

9. Pop Culture Footnote: Trump’s Assassination Attempt & Apathy

• In the closing minutes, Gabby riffs on numbness to recurring political news, using news of another attempted Trump assassination as a metaphor for collective exhaustion.
  • “We've stopped caring. It barely got any media coverage for being such a crazy headline. But we've seen it before, so we're like, ugh.” (53:14)
  • “We can't pretend to care anymore. On that note, until next time on Long Winded.” (56:24)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the sadness of nostalgia:
  “I think it's like the weather changing a little bit, the month… being back home… it's like, oh, wow, this is nostalgic. Remember like, where you've been. But it's nostalgia that's, like, here to stay. It's like current nostalgia. I'm just. I can't wait for it to go away. I don't like nostalgia. Kind of. It makes me feel sad.” — Gabby (03:10)

• On the Netflix/Peacock/Tubi content wars:
  “How much more money could you possibly want from me? This is not rhetorical. It is more. They want more and more and more. And now, now they're keeping Housewives behind a paywall. You're disgusting… But to be… it's much like Pixar with their animation. And it's free. It's free. Sure, there's commercials, but who cares if it's free?” — Gabby (12:10)

• On therapy fatigue:
  “I've run out of things to say. There, I've said it. And then I let my therapist convince me of stuff that I just don't think is real. But we have nothing else to talk about, so I pretend I'm not getting in there. I literally need a shovel.” — Gabby (44:00)

• On people-pleasing:
  “People pleasing is the death of us all. This is what our real problem is with depression. Why do we have to please these people? We will never see them again.” — Gabby (50:30)

• On defiance post-lobotomy:
  “At this point, post labotte, I’m becoming more defiant… What are these fake rules put into place that keeps us living so rigidly in society? Stepping out of line feels like breathing the wrong air… I should be free to inhale any kind of air that there is. But there are so many stipulations on breathing at this point in the airplane ride.” — Gabby (51:43)

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Essential Timestamps

• 03:10: Poignant take on nostalgia and sadness
• 08:00–17:30: Extended riff on Tubi and streaming culture
• 25:33: Gabby on depression, partner dependence, and loneliness
• 35:48–41:30: Review and cultural analysis of “Girl, Interrupted”; ruminations on female ensemble films and pop culture of the ‘90s
• 44:00–51:00: Therapy plateau, meds fatigue, people-pleasing as societal malaise—“I am waiting for the one to heal me”
• 51:00–53:00: Metaphorical post-lobotomy rebellion and pushing back on “fake rules”
• 53:14: Satirical commentary on the Trump assassination attempt, political apathy
• 56:24: Episode wrap-up, reflection on collective exhaustion

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Episode Tone & Style

• Gabby’s tone is sarcastic, raw, and self-aware, balancing dark humor with vulnerability.
• The episode shifts rapidly between media banter, existential asides, cultural commentary, and confessional storytelling—mirroring the frenetic, fragmented feeling of millennial/Gen Z mental health struggles and queer identity in 2026.
• Gabby weaves big cultural questions with everyday absurdities, using the personal as a springboard for communal catharsis and comic relief.

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In Summary

"New Kind of Lobotomy" is Gabby Windey in her element: a freewheeling, funny, and brave monologue steeped in the weirdness of daily life and the obstacles of modern emotional maintenance. It’s a must-listen (or read) for listeners seeking an unvarnished, relatable take on depression, pop culture addiction, and the desperate hope for (or resignation to) ever-elusive healing.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Here we are, here we are back again. Let's begin. Party on. Party people in the noise. Jump, jump, reverse Party over there. Party over there. It's a shake your dairy air. You guys know. Just popping a diet Coke. I. I do need caffeine sometime. I want. Sometimes I wonder if there's enough caffeine in here. Um. Cause I hate to say it, but I've been on the Celsius and Red Bull lately and you know what? I look at myself. I look at myself in the mirror after I've had one of those and I. And I say to the person looking back at me, you must not make this a habit because we're making a habit out of everything these days and they cannot be good for you people who just drink Celsius willy nilly. I mean, I guess we have to pick our poison. But I am. As I move through life, I surprise myself more and more by actually the things that I keep absent that could hurt me. I'm feeling a sense of nostalgia. Can you believe? I think it's been like almost two years now. Is this a long winter? And you know, it just went. Is the thing is it just goes by and it keeps going. But back then it was a different thing. It was, it was the beginning and now it's the middle or something. I don't know. But I think it's like the weather changing a little bit, the month, like it being April, I guess, and being back home for like kind of a long time and getting back into the studio, it's like, oh, wow, this is nostalgic. Remember like, where you've been. But it's nostalgia that's, like, here to stay. It's like current nostalgia. I'm just. I can't wait for it to go away. I don't like nostalgia. Kind of. It makes me feel sad. It's like poignant. Like, actually, that word means sad. Like, I use. I use it like. Oh, it's a good point. That's a good. Poignant. It's poignant. Hello. That's what it's supposed to mean. But actually it means sad. So this is very poignant nostalgia. I'm sick of being sad. I didn't want it to be. I'm sure. Maybe I could think of another emotion deep down, but when I look in the past, it's like, I'm sad. Why am I sad? Because. Because it's the past and it's like, dead. It's like you can't go back there even if it was bad. It's like, kind of sad that it's like time's running out, actually. So that's how I'm feeling right now. How are you? Don't care. It's really not about you. I also have my new cascade water bottle that they gave to us. I guess Robbie was talking about how we use their pods. We do. Who doesn't? And then they gave us, like, a bunch of free merch, which we do like merch. And I really like their water bottle, actually. So. Thank you. You're going on vacation.

[A]

You're going to Cabo to meet your significant other's family for the first time. And you'll be spending seven days together. But you only have body cons and a thong. Well, you could buy a whole new wardrobe, but who has money for that? Or you could rent stuff from Nuuly and just send it back when you're done. Nuuly is a subscription clothing rental service that lets you pick six styles every month. And you know they have some things that are parental appropriate, unlike your closet. But for just $98 a month, you can rent for whatever you have going on. Dresses and fancy stuff or just everyday pieces. Nuuly is a great value at $98 a month for any six styles. But right now, you can get $28 off your first month. When you sign up with the code Gabby, just go to n U-L-Y.com and enter the code gabby at signup to get 28 off your first month. That's a lot. That's n u u l y.com code gabby for $28 off your first month. Newly subscription clothing rental. Change your clothes

[B]

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[A]

This brings me nostalgia too.

[B]

I was just talking about it. Summertime is what we live for. A real break from school.

[A]

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[B]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

I was in New York, though. I was in New York with Robbie because she had shows and was doing press and. But then I came home this weekend and Rob gone yet again. You know, she's still on tour. This is my life. This is my wife. She's gone and I'm home alone. But not all the time am I alone. And she's gone and I'm home. But not all the time am I alone. I meant to say because I have to be. And you would think this is a paid ad, but I am here to tell you it is not. And I wish it was because I could give a very honest, very true personal endorsement which I'm going to do right now, but unfortunately for free. But I have a message to send. Sure to be sounds second rate. And I'm gonna be honest. I don't know how you landed there.

[A]

To be.

[B]

I don't know how you got the name. I don't know how you got the colors, but the colors are great. The purple and. And yellow. Like the Lakers, like the lesbians. We love a purple and yellow. It just fits us. It is very. To be itself is very LGBTQ friendly. It pits the T. And the LGBTQ just came. We would never take away the T in lieu of a tube. But let me tell you what is missing. Where's the P? Where's the LGBTQ P for the pansexuals. That's something nobody's ever asked about really, because the pansexuals, you know, they love everyone and anyone and things like that just don't really bother them. And then you'll ask to yourself while singing out the Alphabet of the link. But one day there will be a pee added. And until then you might ask yourself and others, well, where might be the P? It's running into his mouth for money, I hope. Whatever, whatever. But all those things about to be are superficial. You know, the first time you're taken out of nowhere into this abyss to watch the movie, you've searched and you land on Tubi. What a day for you. What a gift Roku has bestowed on you. A blessing by happenstance, waiting for the right time to infringe on your life. Aha. It's come. It's right now. It's changing your life. It's game to change it. It's bopping around this tubi like the Pixar icon rip. Where has our light head gone? It was always something easy to look at at the beginning of a film. I made your pupils dilate. It was just so nice, like a little drug pleasure to the center of the mind and the retina, which enjoyed for once taking in something of a pre. Of a prefix, of an introduction to the duction. I can't stand that old lady with a crown. You know who I'm talking about? I guess if I think it's Lady Liberty, but she's in color, she's not green. So she's really hard to oxidize. And I know she wasn't born green, she was born gold. But now we know her as green. And now that I'm thinking of her, I just can't with her old lady golden girl haircut. At one point, you know, I said, we as the Americas, we sexualize everything there is to be sexualized. The green Eminem, me, et cetera, et cetera. But I actually don't think we sexualized Lady Liberty enough. And yes, there. This is a direct contradiction to what I've said before. And I'm allowed to change my mind. Before, I was grateful she wasn't sexualized. And she is sometimes on a keychain. But now I need her more. She's boring to look at before a movie, but incomes to be. Here it is. It's much like Pixar with their animation. And it's free. It's free. Sure, there's commercials, but who cares if it's free? I don't Know how many times I've upgraded the Peacock app? And upgraded and upgraded and upgraded because they keep sneaking in commercials. Where have these commercials come from? I've already paid for commercial free. I'm up to 1799 and all of a sudden I see a commercial. You're changing this and I'm not even clicking. Okay, I'm not even agreeing. How much more money could you possibly want from me? This is not rhetorical. It is more. They want more and more and more. And now, now they're keeping Housewives behind a paywall. You're disgusting. Like we're not all on Peacock to watch Housewives. It's targeted. There's a big billboard of Rahoe rahui. But you can't watch it unless you pay a lot of extra. It's coming for us. It's no. It knows it's demo and it knows we're desperate. We watch Housewives to ogle the rich and see how they live. Because we are not rich. Quite the opposite. We lie. And we need a franchise like Rodswives of New York and Dorinda's Berserks to take us out of our Turbo Tax reality. Woohoo. I'm getting $2,000 back from TurboTax. However, 2,000 big ones they overtook from me in the first place. I could have used that money along the way. You don't know how many times I was negative. You don't want to know how many times. I couldn't literally get an appetizer. I couldn't afford the mozzarella sticks. Not unless they were on sale. Not unless they were the first ones to come out of the oven in the morning. I'm the last one there and they'll give me to them half off. But then the inside of the mozzarella stick is something like you've never seen. Scene. I don't want my mozzarella stick to break off like a string cheese. That's not mozzarella. That's something I've never tasted. Maybe a provolone. But that's all I can get when I'm watching pe. You know what I mean? But to be. Excuse me, I'm a Lady. To Be has series like. Like the ones that we have long forgotten. But we loved watching them in real time. Intervention. Are you kidding me? Such a good show. I believe Trisha Paytas was on it. Oh no. She was on My Strange Addiction. Please. I redact that statement. They even have a series called the Lesbian Homie. That's right. What about Hitler's Secret Sex Life? Add to the watch list. I'm on it. You think Criterion Collection is elite. You watch those little videos. I know you do. You're logging onto YouTube and you write down each movie leaning down on mentions. And then you think you're a cinemaphile, don't you? Don't you? But you've never heard of any of the movies and you're too afraid to go down that hole unless you're in case you're not going to like them because some of them are in black and white. And I don't know if I like that. And I do wish Miriam of the Webster didn't make a pedophile and cinephile rhyme with the exact same suffix. What are we doing? Can we blame the Latins? What else ends in file? The P kind. I'm not talking about the enunciating F because that comes after G. I'm talking about the pH. That's right. Nothing else done. So the only parallels we can draw from both files. I shall not talk about here. Use your own brain. Use the context clues, you perverts. But it's not looking good for the cinema ones, I'll tell you that. Well, Etubi could pass eventually by the aristocratic Criterion Collection at any point now. And they would have their own closet. Of course it wouldn't be the same. It would be different. Okay, because we can't do the exact same thing. It would. It would be a different kind of experience. Inspiring. Just as inspiring, but in a different way. There would be movies we actually know. And it would be in a locker room. To be gives gym locker room, doesn't it? Because to be gives tube sock. It's not a long line to connect the two. To be gives something long on your foot and we shall treat it as such. Tube sock gives boys ridden with spores and fungus and dandruff and capricious hard ons. They don't know when the hard ons coming. If it's going to be angry, if it's going to be sad. It's all kinds of moody. All they know is it's coming. They got to tuck it up into their belt at any second. And this would be what the to be locker room would be. A more primal smell. A more primal experience. A sense of smell is strongly related to the memory. We know that in floods. The memory of your last tube sock with the bottom eaten, ridden with the moth holes. And a tale of something perverted. This makes you want to pick your favorite movie. Now that you're all horned up, you're Already in a state of reminiscence, a state of reverie, a redolent state. There would be lockers and lockers and lockers full of DVDs. This is you going from top to bottom. And what is my favorite movie? Finding Nemo Dory is excellent. Also, I'm gonna say right now, with the to be collection, these DVDs shall and will come with a link. There, I said it. I addressed the elephant in the room, what everyone is thinking. But no one has the audacity to that to them and the little movie truck. Who has a DVD player anymore? It's just not needed. But we're in the closet and we're picking DVDs and we're putting them in the tote bag full of merch. Where are these DVDs going? They're going in the trash, of course. Criterion Connection. They need something tangible to put in the tote. They need a visual because you have just scanning the link with your qr. Maybe it's not quite the same, and maybe. Maybe I would go a different way. To Be will be on vhs because it has to be different. A kind of a forefather to the criterion. VHS's are even more nostalgic. I up D1 and they had a longer life than a DVD. I dare say having a VCR would make you a real artist, the real creative, because it is more difficult. And that's how artists live. If it's harder and yields no money, it is mine. But I have 10 toes. And we're not handing out VCRs, okay? We're not relieving ourselves upstream, okay? We do not need an echo of Grandma's basement with VCRs. Okay? RIP Grandma, but this is not the way I shall remember you. You see some trying to be sold in vain at the flea market, don't you? They're everywhere now. They're everywhere. And every time I see them, I laser point my eyes at them in disgust. And the tempest grows. There's a storm, a brew, and it starts with my face with a thunderclap and a twitch along the cheeks. Then the wind begins threatening every single one of those VCR tapes. And I'd like to confront them, the VCRs or the owners. But it's like, don't shoot the messenger. I'll come. I'll confront straight the VCRs with a twister like paste in a whirl and ask, how many of those VCR cassette tapes have you ever sold here? I come for the owner. What's it to you, Gabby. They're just trying to make a buck. We'll leave them alone. But I feel personally betrayed and assaulted by those tapes. Looking at me in the face because no one's ever going to buy them. But they're a little tempting. Should I know? Like I'd ever be dumb enough to buy one. But every time I see them, I am at odds with myself. Capitalism and the yard sales have gone too far. Please just throw them away or let's find a recycle program or something. Or bring them back in a meaningful way. But until now, we will be giving the tubi closet will be giving out links. So please have enough respect for me and my intelligence and tell me they're useless to sell. Please level with me. It's making me crazy. Look at me in both mine eyes and tell me the last sale you have had of Thelma and Louise on vcr. Well, yeah, that was to my wife and it was a weird gift. And I'll bet on my fingers and at my toes that you didn't need it and she shouldn't have bought it. But I'm betting on only my small toads because I need to be balanced in stilettos. You hear me? I just got my red. My red bottoms re rubbered by Ari. He's amazing. And these are the ones I did steal from the badger. Really the best thing they've ever gave me. Except for maybe a diametrically opposed sexuality from too much exposure therapy. You want to know what that means? You far, you're left. I'm a lesbian. But back to tubi. Even though they do have commercials, their commercials are great. They're worth watching. They're low brow. Every single one of them is filmed on an iPhone. You could do it. It's giving regular people a chance to market and try their best at the office of Palmer's Hey Mama. They sing to each other. Hey Mama. Singing to their pregnant mother. And who might want to cure a stretch mark with the Palmer Hey Mama. But one mama has a big hole cut out of their belly just like a Regina George's tits. But that I do question. But that's okay because they have more freedom on tubi. Peacock isn't airing these commercials. HBO sure as hell isn't airing these commercials. But tubi is a safe space for all. And just so you know, again, this is not a paid advertisement. But I would take your money to be. But I, if I, if I had to bet any of my money, maybe a dollar, they could barely match that. It Seems like they have no money and that's what we accept them for. And I'm gonna be honest, sometimes around here, it doesn't get easier. I gotta drink some more of this. I just need some caffeine. Does it say oh? Oh, it has 46 milligrams. That's more than I thought. I think I will need two of these, though. I think I will need double. Okay, well, you gotta suck it down. I gotta suck her down. I'm one of those that never finishes a drink. I like to leave a little left and then I'll start on the new one. I don't know what some kind of psychological hypnological problem I have.

[A]

You're going on vacation. You're going to Cabo to meet your significant other's family for the first time and you'll be spending seven days together. But you only have body cons and a thong bikini. Well, you could buy a whole new wardrobe, but who has money for that? Or you could rent stuff from Nuuly and just send it back when you're done. Nuuly is a subscription clothing rental service that lets you pick six styles every month. And you know they have some things that are parental appropriate, unlike your closet. But for just $98 a month, you can rent for whatever you have going on. Dresses and fancy stuff or just everyday pieces. Nuuly is a great value at 98amonth for any six styles. But right now you can get $28 off your first month. When you sign up with the code gabby, just go to N U u d l-y.com and enter the code GABBY at signup to get 28 off your first month.

[B]

That's a lot.

[A]

That's n U-U-L-Y.com code GABBY for $28 off your first month newly subscription clothing rental, change your clothes. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

[B]

And you know what?

[A]

I just got done with therapy. I just walked in the door because I have too much time to think these days. I'm off one job, I don't know

[B]

when the next one's coming.

[A]

And it's making me worry. It's making me worry about the future. So if you've been feeling overwhelmed, stuck, anxious or unsure, that's okay. Those feelings are more common than we think.

[B]

I have them. You have them.

[A]

We have them. May is mental health awareness month. A good reminder you do not have to go through those feelings alone. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform. Just take a short questionnaire to Identify your needs and Preferences and BetterHelp will handle the initial therapist matching work for you. You don't have to be on this journey alone. Find support and have someone with you in therapy. Sign up and get 10% [e-mail] Wendy that's better. H E L P.com Wendy.

[B]

By now my filial by now you may have been able to tell that I have spent much of my weekend on Tubi. To be is now my streaming neck network of choice to surf. When's the last time you've just surfed? When's the last time you clicked on an app and just surf surf, scrolled scrolled. What caused my name well to be Is this for you? I know they will have something for me for they have gotten to know me and my wants like that. Netflix can't get me like that. Sure as hell Amazon prime can't get me like that. There's too many options but to be narrows in. I rise early on Saturday due to the jet lag of coming back from New York. Sure, three hours will fuck you right up. I wake up listless, filled with the dreaded ennui. Where is my baby? These are my feelings, or lack thereof. When Robbie's not around, I lose myself. Suddenly I can't operate. I'm frozen in time just like an ice cube in one of those ice trays. I become stuck frozen from things all around me. But not having any kind of curiosity or determination to put my mind or fingers or body to work. I'm just not interested. And I'm not waiting for her to entertain me. Robbie I have scarcity issues. I have abandonment issues. When she's home, my heart and soul know she's home because I hear her screaming on the phone with some kind of a lender or a tree branch guy or the customer service person at T Mobile to make sure her senior citizen desk account is still in effect. Yes, this is true. They think she's 65 for she sounds like the greatest generation on and off the phone. Without her, I don't have enough security to leave knowing that she'll be back. So I just have to stay. Wherever I am, I gotta stay. But I. I look for the next wimpy hit of dopamine that will carry me through the next 15 to 30 minutes. I have to take it 15 minutes at a time. And then maybe when I wake up, she'll be back. But when Robbie's home, I never notice the lack. She just fills me right up. Without her I stare, I stare and I eat and I chain smoke and then I smoke some weed and I stare and I'm just feeling this void. Can't you see? Can't you see? And the second Robbie comes home. Yeah, we need it. We need a little bit of an adjustment period. But my fingers are free from the stickiness of the kettle corn and I can think again. Like Frankenstein has just turned back on his monster. She's my Frankenstein and I am the monster. And no, I don't have any clue what Frankenstein is about or if he has a clicker to his monster. But I kind of assume and I heard it was an amazing classic and I do want to read it next. But how is there any time in life to read as much as we want to, huh? And then I start reading and I only read to get to the next book. And then I don't even know why I'm doing it because it's too late for me to get any smarter. Why am I even reading? Why did I pick up this book just by 50% to get to the next book and then it happens with the next book. When is the book gonna allow me to just be present in all of the percents? There's no plasticity anymore, only steel. So whatever. I've been up since 7:30, bleary eyed, empty minded. If you split open my brain, you'd find the bottom of a coconut. Probably. But someone has pilfered all my milk and the meat, it's gone. It's just the shell of the depression. I have the whole day devastatingly in front of me. So I search on to be the one who knows me best, a sliver of solace. I'm looking through the movies and the documentaries and I get filled up just a little bit. Okay, I can make it past 9 o'. Clock. If this is a two hour movie, which heaven forbid, an hour and a half, then I'll be at 10:30 and then I'll take it from there. And Tubi may have some of the best selection of documentaries you've ever seen, but I save those for Robbie because those are her favorite. And sure enough, the second she gets home, we watch a Tubi doc and we're cuddling and kissing and missing each other and I am free. But while she's gone, you know what I'm feeling? The first pang of depression in a while. I forget what it was like to be depressed. Thank God I was lonely. Just overcome with loneliness. No one to really call. So my mind says, who should I call to make this loneliness? To go Away. Nobody. And if there was, I don't have the energy to dial and then the energy to speak about what? I can barely make a noise. I'm so uninterested in myself and others at this point. What would I possibly have to say? So instead I'm quiet all day. I don't whisper a word. And Girl Interrupted comes across my feed on the tubi. I didn't know it was with Winona Ryder. I say to myself not out loud. I love her shoplifting ass. I say it's so crazy how much she's done and then to be canceled over shoplifting. Who cares? You wanna know how many lesbians. Yeah, rich ones do a little stealing here and there from the vitamins of the Erewhon's top of the line vitamin section? A lot. It's a rush. They think it's a big fuck you to the man because strawberries are $20 for one. And I might agree. But I have a conscience so I cannot steal. So give Winona a break, can't we? We now know the plight of a childhood actor and she got off pretty much scot free if all she's doing is shoplifting. After it all. And obviously Girl Interrupted. It's about a mental facility and has Angelina Jolie in it who looks absolutely high key fire. Pardon my colloquial wisdoms, but when I talk about Angelina Jolie I turn into a baro. I cannot help myself and I'm not proud of my behavior. But I am able to appreciate the otherworldly beauty of Angelina Jolie even through my depression. That's how strong her presence. How are her lips like that? And how are they so real? I stare. I stare. Her coat is amazing. The trim is to die for. And she's really running around like a crazy bitch. Which adds another layer of attractiveness. She's running around in that coat. And I wonder. I wonder what Jon Voight is like. What an ogre His IMDb reflects. Interesting then to born a beautiful little fairy beyond nepotism. My mind wonders. But I'm not even mad because it's Angelina Jolie. I'm just not mad. That's how things were back then. And she is tomb raider and the forever icon of the of the red carpet. What I would give to have those years back. Maybe I've talked about this before but this is when things were less complicated. This is before social media. This is before Twitter. This is before we knew too much about our government. I don't want to know anymore. Now we're so boring. And so stiff and so serious. And I swear, women used to wear way less makeup on the red carpet back then. They had nothing really to prove because just Jared wasn't plastering their paparazzi pics everywhere. She has lit the Northern Star. The way we are going as a culture, if she is lit, we are going the right way. And wasn't she lit French kissing her brother on the red carpet? And her gags with Billy Bob Thornton, but call me sheep. It all felt genuine to me. Not like a true performance because it was a little less exposure. There was no performance. Yeah, of course, maybe a little performative, but not like today's standards. And she was a little freaky. We know that. She was pretty and she just. And she is pretty and she needs to be something else besides gorgeous. And then her freaky dicky side came out and made her her even hotter. Shucks. And she's a bisexual. How did we ever get so lucky? She's been in love with a woman and her six kids, they hate Rad Pitt. So now she's just working and raising them like. Like a literal angel saint of a woman with those lips. Still. So all of this is passing through my mind in a quick five seconds. And I press play on Girl Interrupted. How could I press next? I look at my letterbox to vet this in first because I am newly pretentious and it has a raving 4.0. I loved it. Let's get going. It's. I like an easy watch. Maybe it's not easy for some people. It's maybe too close to home, but I like something that watches like a TV show. That's how I feel about best in show. It just watch like a TV show. Like Girl Interrupted. It just like watched like a TV show. I can't really explain it. I could watch it in one sitting, which I just cannot do with movies anymore. And it just flowed. It was something I wanted to binge. If it was a two hour TV show, I'd watch them back to back and I'd feel great. This is how I felt. Like it can be serious, but it's not three hours long where you forgot about the first plot of the movie because they're 10 and they don't really connect. It was 127 minutes, about 17 minutes too long. But that's okay because I did love the ending. The movie was concise, it had a clear message. It was heartbreaking and endearing and hopeful and scandalous and funny at times and horrifying at other times. And you know What? I loved it. They clicked on every single emotion I did not have at that point, but it helped bring me through. And obviously it's like a pretty renowned movie. So I am late to the game, but I don't even care because I can say whatever I want around here. And I am like a late movie watcher and appreciator. Because when will was I going to have the time when was I going to have the time to have an interest in culture and movies? Working 13 hour shifts, saving your MEMA on Papa and GT Carol three to four days a week. Overtime is a must if you want any kind of a paycheck and to eat at the local Italian tapas place. And then I had five hour practices Tuesday and Thursdays and games on Sunday. So hello, what am I going to watch? Girl Interrupted. So hello. I was busy living. Who's uncultured? Me or you? Me in some sense. And I do. I love movies. I love any kind of real media about depression and mental illness and inpatient psychiatric facilities. Especially, especially with a female. Especially, especially, especially with a female. Especially ensemble cast. Boys try. They try and give you movie recommendations and you're like, oh my God, yeah, definitely. I'll put in my watch list in letterbox. And then you remember their boys for a second and I'm like, okay, I'm definitely never going to watch Goodfellas. Absolutely not. I need a woman, ensemble cast or at least one lead woman. I'm not going to watch a bunch of dudes hanging around playing with themselves. It's not me. Like, I cannot relate to anybody in the movie if there's not a woman in there and therefore I will not enjoy it. In fact, I'll hate it. Sue me. I'm infinitely more interested in anything if the subject is about a woman. I am a woman. This whole cast was women. A gold mine. So it's, it's 9am now on a Saturday. I'm watching Winona Ryder chain smoke her cigs after she tried to kill herself, you know, and it is a little bit of a contradiction because she never seems that off. She never seems like. Right. She just seems like herself. But Winona Ryder as a person is a little off. So it's just like easy to take and not think too much about it. So there's like no need to really ask any questions. But also people with depression, you would look at them and be like, oh yeah, they don't seem that off. It's a hard disease to assume by manifestations or the ways someone presents. So there that's what I was thinking. I don't need to make excuses for Winona Ryder. I think everyone thought it was just fine. So I will think it's just fine. Okay. I wouldn't say I have an infatuation with mental hospitals, but kinda. But it's like maybe it's because it's a woman only space. Maybe because it's one of the only places in the world you can go where it's women only. Even the spas like co ed these days. It's disgusting. All my places are not safe. It seems just like day camp. You're running around the crazy halls with the crazy girls and you're just as crazy as you want to be. Girls being girls. Oh, looky, there's a nurse chasing me with hell doll. But you can't get me. I run, I run. Weep like out mouse. I run, I run. Okay, then I beg because it's getting really close. Please, please, please don't shoot that up with me. I could have tardive dyskinesia and that is the real thing, the only thing that is keeping me out of a mental hospital. Do you know what that is? Probably not. So let me explain it to you at this point in the podcast. If you are disassociating knitting or something. Listen up. Up. It's when you get enough of an old antipsychotic medication that runs rampant around these facilities and your mouth starts making movements years later, maybe 50s, 60s, uncontrollably, like puckering and sticking out your tongue repetitively and you can't stop it. It's, it's, it's a side effect that we've actively worked as the medical community to get away from. But a lot of these old antipsychotics have these side effects and it's like are these facilities can act. Can they actually help you get better? Or are they there under the pretext of making of. Are they there wait to make the money under the pretext of healing? I'm just learning how to use that word. It's quite hard pretext, you know, you never know. We are listening to capitalistic country as we know, as we live every day. If you can't join them, we're going to. If you can't beat them, we're gonna join them. So it's like you just pay all of your savings to go to a mental hospital and hope that you don't get an old antipsychotic so you don't get the dreaded tardive dyskinesia and they're not running around with a big fat 14 gauge needle waiting to shoot you up with a puckering mouth and a sticking out tongue. Is it worth it? Can they actually help you? Can anyone help you? If you've done the work, if you're on the Reddit threads of ctpsd, cps, tds, and you've done all the things that they're suggesting, we know about ourselves now. I know how I'm up, I know how I behave. I'm talking to myself. Doesn't really help, I'm gonna be honest. Sure, it's an intervention and people who are more, I don't know, mentally gullible than I am could fall under the category of talking to yourself. And everything is I'm just too real. It's not changing anything. Oh, I need another situation. Anyways, in my dreams I would admit myself in this hospital. Isn't there just under the pretext of healing for money? It's really going to heal you. Excuse me? I mean when you chug diet coke, it's just what you're going to get. But in admissions would be a very, very nice lady, probably with lots of wrinkles, who totally understands me and reassures me this is the right thing to do. Each wrinkle filled with wisdom and a past of tobacco. Each wrinkle placed just so, each wrinkle representing her lack of self centeredness for she does not look in the mirror. Then I would get checked in, throw all of my meds out and let the healing begin. Because I do want to quit all my meds one day. I do. And it's like I get it. If it's all because of my childhood trauma, theoretically I be able to get in there and tackle it. I've gotten in there a little bit, but some things will forever lie subconsciously and I just like I'm. I'm plateaued. I want to crash course with experts. I don't want any Mel Robbins let them which is still somehow through false marketing and bribing Amazon and some kind of fake fucking news that she is still at number five or six on the Amazon chart because we are all sheep and want let them to save us. Which if it works for you, bless you. But it doesn't. It just doesn't. She's nothing but a quack and regurgitating things we've already heard a million times of like especially if you've done any learning about eastern religion. But she gets all of the money, not pema children. Anyways, back to the menstrual Hospital. They're there and they medicate you. It's in the movie. So what is the point, right? I'm going there to detox from all my medicine, and then they start medicating me. So what is the point? And is there even enough talk therapy in one place to truly heal me in about a month? What are we even doing in talk therapy these days? I'm sorry. I've run out of things to say. There, I've said it. And then I let my therapist convince me of stuff that I just don't think is real. But we have nothing else to talk about, so I pretend I'm not getting in there. I literally need a shovel. I need something physical at this point to excavate. I've been in therapy for years, a decade. And I've plateaued. I've been talking about the same stuff and there's been no new findings. Well, it's not worth my money anymore just to pretend like I'm doing something for myself. I am waiting for the one to heal me. Will it be the mental hospital? I've always been told there's a hole in my heart from my mother and there is no patching it. So here I am. Maybe I'll always need my meds. This is my fate. But what about all the side effects? I just can't take it anymore. I want my mind and my body together, but now I can only have one. I just can't take so many meds any day. I am actually sick of seeing my pill box filled up, but this is my fate. So sometimes I try and take light of it, but other times I'm just worried that they're gonna make me nauseous. They never do, thank God. And I just want to take the meds for my skin. I want to take my trans acid for my melasma, but it's the first thing to go because it's a huge pill and I just can't do it anymore. And people are going to be like, emdr, done it. People are going to be like, ketamine therapy. Done it. Loved it. Did nothing. For my ongoing issues. I just like to go to Boulder, Colorado to get high. Cbt. Done it. Nothing to report at this point. Like I said, I need something physical, something manual, maybe something of a brain shock. If there wasn't such side effects and it wasn't such my brain, I would do it. If they could shock, maybe my knee and that shock could go right up to my brain and fix me. Hell yeah. But I'm not gonna have them shock my actual brain. Are you kidding me? I'll take what I have left. And maybe we do romanticize. Isn't that another thing we're dealing with? It's like, what it. What are all these words that, like, people on the Internet are feeding to us so then we can't stop saying what isn't any. Romanticize. What do we romanticize? Oh, I'm romanticizing mental. I don't care what I'm doing with it. But it's like, you know what? I am so buttoned up, I just want to be a little crazy. I'd like to be a little more free. I want to start over with no rules and just. Just freedom. I actually do. But it's like if they could make me. If they could revert me to being a child again without some sick shit going on, if they could, maybe I've been hypnotized. I lied the whole time to get myself. If they could somehow revert me back to a child so I could, like, live the hard parts again, fix them and come out a little bit, a little bit with more strength, a little more defiant, a little less people pleasing. Because people. People pleasing is the death of us all. This is what our real problem is with depression. Why do we have to please these people? We will never see them again. How come. How come every time a creepy guy does say hi to you, but not the man in front of you, feel like you still have to smile and you can't look at them in the eye and say fuck you because you're afraid that they're going to beat you up. So this is why we're people pleasing. Because I'm afraid of physically getting hurt. Maybe. Maybe while they're in my brain bringing me back to childhood, they could also put me in a couple of fights. So I'm used to it. If I were to be tackled to the concrete and I could get back up and it would only be like, I don't know, a couple bruises, maybe a fat lip. If I'm lucky to lay off the juvederm for once. Once. But it doesn't seem like we have access to these things. And these are the things that will help me. So what am I supposed to do? So maybe after this new century lobotomy is really what it is, then I will have made progress for once in my life. And it really starts on the airplane because that is the place where everybody has to assimilate. There are so many rules, unspoken rules. But. But after my. After my lobotomy, That I am sedated for, not like the old days. And maybe they don't have to go in my nose and I don't know, maybe it'll be like a little painless. I elevate my feet on the plane. There's no touching anyone or putting my feet on the back of someone's head. There's a plastic divider. And they didn't know of my medical information, which is swelling. My medications make me swell. Luckily, it's literally in my butt. But it's just not the same knowing that it's extra fluid that's there, not fat like it's supposed to be. Like, my ass is hard, but not with anything extra. With a side effect that holds this water. So I feel like a stage four liver patient with pitting edema. It doesn't make the BBL allegations fun anymore because, you know, it's actually a health concern. It's just not the same as if I'd earned it, you know what I mean? So at this point, post labotte, I'm becoming more defiant. We're allowed to be. What are these fake rules put into place that keeps us living so rigidly in society? Stepping out of line feels like breathing the wrong air. You know what I mean? I should be free to inhale any kind of air that there is. But there's so many stipulations on breathing at this point in the airplane ride. So an airplane is a great way to test your boundaries. Here we are healed. We have a little more courage. We can stick up for ourselves a little more. We can elevate our feet. If it's coming close to nowhere on somebody's head and the seatbelt light isn't on. You know what? And I push a fake rule onto you like those that are pushed onto me. Don't come close to me, flight attendant. Don't come too close. You know what I mean? Six feet. And please, no crying children on the plane. If you. If your child can cry, you will have to take a road trip or some kind of other alternate transportation. These are my rules now. How do you like them? They're fake. I just made them up. And you must abide because that's what society is. Trains are good for them at that age. It's a collective special interest. And I will abate myself from this unpopular take that pregnant people should board first. Okay, so what? So kids aren't there, but I like pregnant women. We should let them born first. They are fighting for our country by carrying a baby to nine months in a Womb, let's make life a little easier for them. We can't hear the baby crying in the womb. The amniotic fluid makes it soundproof from the inside to the outside, but it can hear from the outside to the inside. And I don't know if that bit that does the baby any favors at all. It's not like mom can play Bach 247 to drown out the societal woes it comes to learn in the womb by way of mom. Continuously social societaling and socializing. Mom, you better stay home for this if you want your kid to have a chance. I never had a chance. And on the airplane, it's important to move the fluid like a pregnant woman would know. But they're not the only ones with a fluid problem. So the flight attendant comes over, mildly exasperated, in a sort of whisper, says that, what are you doing? You can't do that. She says to you, elevating your legs. That's affecting absolutely no one. And she's the only one who noticed. And you just don't say anything. You just put your feet down or you just keep them up while you're continuing to look at her. Because I'm getting crazier after my brain has been poked around and fixed a little bit. One can only hope. What's a booster? Somebody that steal clothes from the store and sell at a discount price. It's like community service.

[D]

I Love Boosters is the must see movie of the summer, starring Keke Palmer and Demi Moore in a crazy heist comedy set in the cutthroat fashion world.

[B]

The Velvet Gang. They're boosting from my stores.

[D]

Critics are hailing I Love Boosters as wildly hilarious and outrageous, provocative and really fun.

[B]

Come on, let's take all of it.

[D]

I love Boosters. Rated r in theaters May 22nd. Get tickets now.

[B]

And this is where we will end Trump's attempted assassination. Another one. And that's just it. Literally, that's about it. You know what? We've stopped caring. It barely got any media coverage for being such a crazy headline. But we've seen it before, so we're like, ugh. The only thing we think we see the headline come across. I don't even know what time it is. The articles had like 1,000 views posted three hours ago. Well, when exactly was he assassinated? So we're like, how many times is this guy gonna. Gonna get it? Attempted to be assassinated. Like, who's not trying hard enough at this point? It's like so many attempts. He can escape. He's a cat. He's A cat. He has nine lives, but he's not as nimble and he's not as cute. And I bet he doesn't purr. He really screams asexual to me. But anyways, it's always a headline. It's always that line. And you know what? I'm sure other presence in the past have been attempted assassinated, maybe just as much, but I bet it doesn't make it in the headline, because why do you have to have everyone know? Unless there's sympathy, we don't want to know everything. It's like the aliens. Keep it to yourself. It's inducing widespread panic. But they say. They say this is all because of the ballroom. That's what some of them are saying. That's what the Dems are saying, that he faked it and said destination so he could plead for the ballroom. Fine. What. What do you mean? Can't you just do the ballroom? Aren't you already doing the ballroom? Like, he needs a safer place to hold meetings in the ballroom. But the FBI and the Secret Service were there in whatever kind of conference room. But that didn't have enough security. We've been having presidents since, like, forever. You don't know how to do security. You've had so many attempted assassinations, you haven't gotten your security locked. Maybe you need to contact Kim Kardashian. And then the call was coming from inside the house and the gunman was naked. I don't know. I don't know if that's true. I don't think it is. But then maybe if it was true, maybe then I could believe it. Because if you're going to kill the president, if you are a type of assassinator that's going to kill the president for real, I would expect you the kind of person to do it naked. You know what I mean? It's like, for extra full air. And I'm not even spreading conspiracy theories. I don't know if any of this has any merit. It. I'm telling you right now, it's just like, kind of. It's an opinion. And I'm allowed to spread an opinion because this is. Is free speech. But it's. And it's not. It's not hateful. I'm just like, talking about the facts. Talking about a naked gunman is not hurting anybody. I think. I think it's probably causing a laugh. But. And obviously, if it was a real assassination, I mean, I feel terrible. But what if. What if this is just another chance for Trump to be a victim? You know what I mean, I don't. It's hard to say. Some say it. Like I said, it was staged for the ballroom, you know, and so we've. We could forget about Epstein, the Iran war, the gas tax, the Palestinian war, everything. We just forgot because he's. He's trying to be killed, like, every other day. It's like, g. But now we just don't care. You see the headline, and it's literally a lullaby. I fell asleep right after I saw the headline. It sung me to sleep. I was like, okay, well, nobody else is concerned. Neither am I. But not that I'm minimizing it. I'm just saying we're so used to being lied to from our government that we just don't even know what is real and what is not. And it's just like, we can't pretend to care anymore. On that note, until next time on Long Winded. I hope you have. I really hope after all that talk, you know, But I hope you have a good rest of your day. And. Yeah, as you wish. As. As you were. Okay, thank you. And you know what? Thanks. We're coming back time and time again, honestly. And that's real. That is a exhibition of gratitude, expostulation. That is a great. You know what I mean? Okay, thanks, guys.

[E]

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[F]

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