← Long Winded with Gabby Windey
Long Winded with Gabby Windey
Nikki Glaser
01:22:30
The comedy queen of our generation Nikki Glaser is on the pod today!!
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Transcript788 lines
- [00:00]
A
What's a booster?
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B
Somebody that steal clothes from a store
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A
and sell at a discount price.
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B
It's like community service.
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A
I Love Boosters is the must see movie of the summer, starring Peke Palmer and Demi Moore in a crazy heist comedy set in the cutthroat fashion world. The Velvet Gang. They're boosting from my stores.
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B
Critics are hailing I Love Boosters as
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A
wildly hilarious and outrageous, provocative and really fun.
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B
Come on, let's take all of it.
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A
I Love Boosters. Rated r. In theaters May 22nd. Get tickets now.
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B
And now, a note from our sponsors. Sonic believes that even the smallest achievements deserve to be rewarded, preferably with a delicious, hydrating Sonic Refresher made with real fruit and energizing green tea. Canceled a free trial on time. Sip to that with a Berry Citrus Refresher. Remembered your password. Sip to that with the Mango Peach Refresher. Finally book that oil change. No way. But sip to that with the Strawberry Passion Fruit Refresher. Try all new Sonic refreshers and sparkling or still for just 2.99 today.
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A
Okay.
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B
Will you talk into your mic?
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A
Yes. I'm gonna twist. Like, just angle it towards my face, if you don't mind.
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B
No, please.
- [01:20]
A
Oh, wait, it really won't go. I think it's just stuck on the way here. Hold on. Maybe.
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B
Oh, yeah.
- [01:28]
A
Okay. I think this will be good. No, these things are the. Okay. Testing, testing. One, two, three. Testing, testing. This is how loud I'll talk.
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B
Yeah. I thought you were gonna be louder.
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A
Maybe. I might get louder. I might get loud. I could. We are loud. I do think I always test, like, way quieter than I actually am,
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B
So this is surprising. Thanks for coming.
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A
Thanks for having me. I'm so excited to hang out with you.
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B
No, I'm saying it does feel like a hangout.
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A
It does. That's why these podcasts are great. Like, I really do feel like I've made friends from just hanging, you know, like just doing a podcast or sometimes that's, like, how the only time you
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B
see, like, Diet Coke.
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A
Yeah. Okay. Like, what the.
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B
She doesn't have a drink.
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A
Wait, but do you have to go all the way back up?
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B
No, it's right here.
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A
Okay.
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B
This is my fridge.
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A
Oh, my God, yes.
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B
Cuz, I did a podcast the other day.
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A
Thank you.
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B
And I was not offered a drink. Can you imagine? No.
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A
What?
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B
Like, not at all. And I'm like, he's my friend, Owen.
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A
You know what? Boys just don't know hospitality as well.
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B
Right?
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A
And if there's not, like, someone running it for Them that is like reminding them of all the extra things you need to. To do.
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B
It just means a lot. Like whenever I offer a Diet Coke, people light up. Oh my God. I got. I gotta get it together.
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A
Light up a cigarette.
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B
I'm dying to light up a Sig in here.
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A
Oh my God. Have you ever on this podcast?
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B
No, but I'm like. Cuz I don't know if it can go on YouTube.
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A
It shouldn't be able to. I am so tired of cigarettes being like so mainstream now and like a cool prop for like photo shoots, especially with girls that don't actually know, like if you smoke, fine. But if it's used as a prop with a girl who does not smoke because of. And it's just. And it really does. It's making me think smoking's cool again. And I grew up knowing that it's not. And I quit smoking forever ago for all the reasons that you do. And it's even gotten into me where I'm like, oh, I'm starting to think it's like a cool accessory again. So harmful. Yeah, because once you do it, it stays with you the rest of your life of like, oh, that would be nice to have right now. Like I've gone in and out.
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B
Oh, yeah, I quit Monday.
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A
I thought you were gonna get like a date after like Monday, February 18, 2011, but it was just Monday. Okay, you quit Monday.
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B
I quit.
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A
How was that going? So it's right now just for people listening. It is Saturday. Yeah. Oh, so you're past the 72 hour hump of like, that's when the nicotine craving goes away.
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B
I'm digging through roaches. I'm smoking with tweezers.
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A
Wait, cigarette roaches?
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B
Yeah, I'll have like.
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A
Because you don't have a patch.
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B
Yeah. I cannot buy that.
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A
But can you say that you quit if you're smoking roaches?
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B
But it's like not as much as I used to, you know, it's like. But that's the thing is it's so psychological. I was listening to this girl, probably on TikTok or some shit, and she was like. She was like someone you wanted to listen to. She was like hot, charismatic. She got it. She was talking about smoking. She's like, actually the idea is really good. And I'm like hooked.
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A
Anything that will justify me doing it, I'm like, yes. Tell me more about that. What was she saying? What do you mean?
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B
She was saying actually like, you just want to take some deep breaths, like go outside after.
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A
I could not agree more. Right. And I. And I was. I was hiding it from, like, most people in my life, and I was always going to the bathroom to do it. And I recently even. Yeah. Like, I was just something that I was, like, super ashamed of. And, like.
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B
Yeah, the.
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A
You know.
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B
Because you used to smoke. Because I used.
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A
I smoked cigarettes when I was, like, in my 20s, and I quit in 2000. Monday, in 2029 and. Or 2009. So it was, like, ages ago. And. And I read this book, the Easy Way to Quit Smoking, and I was by Alan Carr, and it was, like, it was transformative for me. And then I later read the book To Quit Drinking that he wrote, the Easy Way to Quit Drinking.
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B
He has a vaping one.
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A
I know. And I have it downloaded, and I've read half of it.
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B
You've read half of it?
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A
Yeah, because it's like, you have to read the, like. Because I've done the method before, I know that when you really want to quit, you will finish the book and thus be done with it. So I just know that I'm not done with it because I like these little breaks that I get by myself in the bathroom where I just get to, like, inhale.
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B
Yes.
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A
And I like. And people go, switch to the gum. And I'm like, that's.
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B
It's not the same. I'm not addicted to the nicotine, and I'm not gonna be, like, chomping on nic. But one roach gets me. Like, that's actually fine.
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A
That's really all you need.
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B
One or two? Yes. I'm totally fine. That's why, like, even in my head, I'm like, what if I buy a pack of eggs? I cut them all down, and then
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A
you just give yourself little. It's almost like Mariah Carey's morsel diet. Do you remember when she would always. She would say, I would eat. I'll have cake. I'll have, you know, brownies. I'll have whatever decadent food I want, or, like, you know, a really creamy pasta, but I'll just have morsels of it. So I just take a little bite and that's enough. Okay, so you're doing that for cigarettes, but do you. Have you ever vaped? No.
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B
I want to try it now.
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A
I really like. So I was on Reddit last night, and I, like, try to avoid all of the stuff. Stuff that is like. I actually don't try to avoid it, but, like, when something about vaping shows up, I'm like, okay, I gotta read this. Like, just. I know that shaming yourself out of quitting something doesn't work. Like, it's the books that I read about quitting smoking and quitting drinking. They're never about, like, this is how bad it is for you, and this is what your lungs look like. Because, yeah, if that worked, it would work. If pictures of people's lungs or, like, you know, fetuses that are, you know,
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B
the fetuses, like, kill me because it's, like, not that deep. The fetus isn't smoking. He's not coming out with one leg.
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A
And I don't want kids want to make a fetus, so that doesn't trigger me.
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B
Or, like, prevention. It's prophylactic for the mom's birthing hips. It's like our parents smoked and drank. Like, my eyes are, like, a little. Like, it's like, we all are 100.
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A
Like, when I remember, when I. It, like, dawned on me, I was like, my mom. I've never known her to not drink or smoke cigarettes. She quits smoking cigarettes. But, like, I was probably in my, like, late teens that I was like, in what world was my mom 25 and put down cigarettes and drinking for nine months if she can't do it in her 40s, even for a day?
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B
Right?
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A
So it's like, oh, I definitely have some FAS going on in my face and good for it. Like, it does give you, like.
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B
Yes. It's like I fuck with the downturned eyes. Like, I think if you see, like, a little bit of it, maybe just like a point 08 BAC for nine months.
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A
Okay.
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B
Like, you're not over. You're not blackout.
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A
Yes.
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B
It's just, like, one beer an hour.
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A
Like, wait is one beer an hour will keep you below a 0.08, I think.
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B
So you're supposed to digest one an hour.
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A
Oh, okay. Yeah. That seems, like, doable for someone who
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B
I think would be a lot. That's what they say. But it's like, if I did one beer an hour, by, like, the third hour, I feel like I'd just be bored.
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A
I was just gonna say bored. Yeah. Like, I'm just like, what's the point? Like, for me, drinking was like, I wanted to get fucked up. I wanted to get out of my head. And what I was saying about the vaping thing is like, I came across something last night that was just, like, what it was about people that had quit vaping and how much better their life is or how is it different than cigarettes, I guess was the question. And it was pretty much exactly what I've Found, which is, like, when I smoke cigarettes, I can feel it in my lungs. I can feel it when I work out. I can hear it in my voice and vaping. And I'm like, you know, my voice is my tool to work. And so I would probably, you know, sacrifice relationships and love before I would sacrifice anything that would hurt my career. Like, it is number one to me.
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B
Yeah.
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A
The second. That's when smoking was like, I have to stop doing this, because my voice, I'm losing it all the time.
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B
Yeah.
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A
Vaping. I don't lose my voice. I don't suffer on a treadmill if I have to. I don't feel. I do feel like a. I. I'm looking for anyone to validate this, but I do just feel sluggish and slower and. And I. Sometimes when I vape in the morning after not going. Having it for a while, I can feel it for. I feel the hit of, like. Oh, it feels so good, that, like, initial thing. But then I just feel a little bit, like, sick. Like, I feel it in my stomach.
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B
That's what I don't like. It makes me nauseous. All the flavors and stuff. It's like, I'd rather just rip a cig.
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A
But it's dangerous because it's not having the adverse effects that smoking has to make me stop there. It's not bad enough. It's like this subtle kind of sluggishness that I'm like, I know I have to eventually, and I'm gonna finish that book when I'm ready to. But right now, I'm just kind of like, I'm just having some fun with my little vape in the bathroom. And, like, no, the bathroom is the best.
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B
Getting the breath. Or literally, it's about the deep breaths. But if you go outside, it's insane. Yes. If you go outside and you're just breathing, like, it's kind of not the same.
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A
No.
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B
Like, I need a little bit of a buzz, but bad. Doing one of those at dinner is the best. Robbie loves a vape. She likes to vape over a cigarette.
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A
She's hit mine before, and I felt so cool. Invalidated because she, to me, is the coolest person ever. So when I'm like, oh, Robbie thinks it's okay, then it must be cool.
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B
She'll feign for a vape. Like, does nobody have one on her face anymore?
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A
No.
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B
I know.
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A
Everyone's hiding it. Yes, I think they do, but I think they're hiding it.
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B
Oh, you think?
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A
I think people are ashamed.
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B
Really?
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A
I think it's the way smoking used to be. Like, smoking. People are less ashamed now and just kind of openly doing it. And now I think, because I think people have made fun of it enough culturally.
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B
Yeah.
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A
And that it's not. It's not showing up in media the way it used to. I think the last one I remember is Lily Allen posed with a vape.
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B
Yeah. Everyone used to have it in their phone. You would have, like, a jewel in your purse.
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A
People are now photoshopping it out of their, like, purse pictures.
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B
Who cares?
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A
That's the older I get. Which is inevitable. Like, it just. I find that. Or I just not even older yet. I'm always, like, hiding something from someone. There's always something about myself that I'm ashamed about that one person in my life can't know about. And I feel like whenever I'm suddenly confronted with that, like, I was hiding vaping from someone close in my life and they were eventually like, listen, I know you do this thing and I just, like, left you alone about it because I just know that it's something you're handling on your own and. But I'm not an idiot. I see them everywhere.
- [11:39]
B
And yeah, they thought you go to the bathroom once an hour. That was like a sweet vape.
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A
They're going to think I have some kind of urinary tract infection going to the bathroom all the time. Right. But it is like. But you know what? Sometimes I'm around people all the time. Like, especially when I'm working. Like, just your team is all around. Like, it's nice to have a little time in the bathroom where you can just sit. And I guess I could. It would be nice if I could just sit and not be doing something to get to deserve that time.
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B
But that seems more sad. Like, if you're just sitting on the toilet. I don't know if your pants are hot or not.
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A
But it's like.
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B
And you're not smoking anything. Just like this.
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A
Yeah.
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B
Like, this seems morose. Like, if you're going for a vape, like, you're having a good time.
- [12:18]
A
And it's, it's. It is a good time. And it's also like that we have just been so conditioned to think through movies and TV shows that when you're going through a hard time, like hitting a cig or hitting something, and just like that initial suck in and like, staring at the wall is like, you are cooler and like the moment is more meaningful that you're having and that you are somehow projecting the stress that is going on in your life to even yourself alone in that bathroom that it feels. It feels like your stress and your anxiety in that moment is more justified when you are like, hitting something that's like, oh, man, it's been a rough shift. Or like, you know, whatever you saw, like on er, the doctors would go out and smoke after they lost someone. It's like, it's all that that is making me believe that this thing is justifying me being sad right now, when really I could just be sad.
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B
Yeah.
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A
But it's. You know, I just. I think that there's. The more that I just. I just want to at some point in my life, be completely free of shame about everything.
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B
But it's not a surprise, but it's almost like a part. Well, I'm sure this isn't it, but it's like you kind of. If you're always hiding something, it's like almost kind of like you like it.
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A
Yeah, I like being bad, too.
- [13:27]
B
Yes. That's what I like. I was never. Well, I've been smoking since I was like 13. Like, on and off. Yeah, but. But that's. But I've never ever been bad. And like, any like, neither. I'm like, I'm surprised I never got pregnant, honestly. Like, no protection. Plan B for really.
- [13:42]
A
Wow. When did you start having sex?
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B
I was 18.
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A
Okay.
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B
Yeah.
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A
So that. Not super young, but definitely was. You were not being smart about it.
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B
No, I thought. I mean, I kind of was invincible. I was like, I'm just like, not going to get pregnant. And then I didn't.
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A
Right.
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B
Yeah. It is like the pull and pray, but you have to. It's like 99%. But if you don't pray.
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A
Yeah.
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B
It's like 50. Okay, but when did you start having sex?
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A
21 was when I first had sex. And it wasn't like, I didn't start because then I didn't just, like, take off. It was just like I had to get it over with because I was, like, waiting. I was. I just was scared of sex. Like, I was just scared that I was going to be bad at it. It's just this other thing that I like, I didn't kiss. I didn't start liking boys until later than all my friends. So I was stunted in every other way. I kissed. I didn't have a desire to kiss a boy until later.
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B
Are you a lesbian?
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A
I've thought that so much in my life because I definitely did have all the signs that I see in my friends now talking about, like, I. Well, the thing of, like, when my friends started getting boyfriends or would, like, give a blowjob, I would, like, cry and be like, so. I would be so, so first of all, disgusted that they would, like, kiss a boy on the penis. Like, I never.
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B
Never.
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A
I was just so confused by why that would ever be desirable. So I think maybe there was, like, a sadness that I knew my friends were doing something that was gross to please this idiot.
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B
That's how I felt. I'm like, I'm sorry. Like, even in high school, I'm like, this is not about you at all.
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A
And I thought it was about them. That's it. I thought that they desired something I didn't, when really they didn't. They were just trying to please a boy.
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B
Yeah, right. Exactly. It's like, I'm not. Why would I, like, turn you on by sticking your, like, whatever Piggly Wiggly in my mouth when I have, like, no desire? Yeah. I don't know what to do.
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A
Friends that wouldn't drink from the same soda can as me at lunch because that's germs. Would then lick a boy's penis.
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B
It's hypocritical.
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A
It made no sense to me. And I was like, I thought there must be something wrong with me that I wasn't desiring. Putting a dick in my mouth.
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B
Yeah.
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A
Now I realize that that's not. No one really.
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B
No. No one does even desires it. Yes.
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A
And people will convince themselves they do. And I totally understand that, like, you do in some way, but it's because you are getting a sense of control or you're giving pleasure. There's no pleasure center in your mouth that you are actually getting a actual feeling of pleasure in your body. But there is pleasure in giving pleasure to someone. So.
- [16:01]
B
Yeah. It's the same way when people say they're like, beer.
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A
I'm like, you don't like beer? No one likes the taste of beer.
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B
Right.
- [16:07]
A
If. You know, you would never. A kid would never try beer and go, this tastes good. Like, to run it through kids. Like, if a kid is not drawn to a taste.
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B
Hey, kid, do you want to suck dick?
- [16:18]
A
Right. That's been said in the Sound so much more than we think. It seems like the craziest thing to say to a kid, but it is maybe one of the most normal things to say.
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B
It's like, they've already done it and probably, like, mainlined a drug. Like, we don't know what kids are doing these days.
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A
We don't know. We'll find out on the documentary in 20 years. What kids are doing right now.
- [16:37]
B
It's scary.
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A
It's so scary. But I can't wait for that miniseries to come out and make me forget about my life for a second.
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B
Right.
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A
But it's like, I always think that people convince them.
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B
You.
- [16:47]
A
When you read the book about not quitting drinking, you realize that the taste of beer, the taste of whiskey, like, it all tastes bad. It does inherently taste bad.
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B
And you just.
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A
No part of me that will ever believe you when you say it tastes good. Because it doesn't. And I proved it. One time, I was at a frozen yogurt place, and there was like a. There was a beer flavor of the frozen yogurt. And it was an alcoholic.
- [17:06]
B
Right.
- [17:07]
A
So it doesn't get you drunk. And I go, how much does that sell? And they're like, zero. It's just people try it because it's a novelty, but it sells zero amount. If beer was actually good, people would eat an ice cream flavor up.
- [17:18]
B
But they don't.
- [17:18]
A
But it gets you fucked up. So you convince yourself, I like it because you like the effects of it. So your brain goes, I like this. But it's inherently not a good taste. And I'll never, ever believe anyone who says that it is.
- [17:28]
B
Yeah. Same with coffee.
- [17:29]
A
I think I love the taste of coffee. Yeah. You don't cough. If a kid tries coffee, they spit it out instantly.
- [17:34]
B
Okay. Now we gotta stop with the kid. We can't run everything by it.
- [17:38]
A
But a kid has an aa. Like, their palate is really sensitive.
- [17:42]
B
Yeah.
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A
And like, it's just. You can run it through that. Because kids are not feeling the effects of these things the same way adults are. So you're addicted to the caffeine that makes you think you like coffee. And I even think I like the taste of coffee, but I really know that it's not a good taste.
- [17:54]
B
Yeah.
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A
And it needs stuff in it to make it taste good.
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B
What about. Do you believe in, like, an acquired taste? Or you think if it doesn't go by the kid, they're not acquiring. We're done for? It's like, what about mushrooms?
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A
And mushrooms, like, mushrooms, I think is more of a consistency thing.
- [18:07]
B
Okay.
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A
Than anything. That people are grossed out by all of this. Yeah, I think that mushrooms are. The taste isn't terrible, but I think that people are really turned off by the consistency. And I totally honor that. But I think we're getting confused about what taste is. When we're grossed out by something, we can just put a taste onto it. And I don't think People are lying when they say, I like the taste of beer. But I don't think you understand where your motivation is coming from. And that's okay.
- [18:30]
B
Where it comes from.
- [18:31]
A
But people get so offended about that because they also get offended about, you know, like, when you have back pain and it's all in your head and people go, oh, that's what's called again.
- [18:40]
B
Fibromyalgia.
- [18:41]
A
Well, fake. Yeah, you can't say that.
- [18:44]
B
I'm just kidding, you guys. I was a nurse, but I'm.
- [18:47]
A
But listen, I'm cut that.
- [18:48]
B
So.
- [18:48]
A
No, don't cut it because it doesn't mean it's fake. Like your pain is real.
- [18:52]
B
No, it's a mental illness. Fibromyalgia, which I'm not making myself sound any better.
- [18:57]
A
No. People are gonna get very upset about this. But if you say it. Mental illness or not even an illness.
- [19:02]
B
No, I think it is categorized in the DSM 4. Hello, I am in a bathroom stall. But I wanted to tell you that I never want to spread false medical information. So this is a quote from a research article I found on PubMed regarding fibromyalgia and the DSM. All patients with fibromyalgia will satisfy the DSM 5A criterion for distressing somatic symptoms. And most would seem to satisfy DSM 5B. And I'll put the source and the website in the description. KK Enjoy listening. Now, you're going on vacation. You're going to Cabo to meet your significant other's family for the first time. And you'll be spending seven days together. But you only have bodycons and a thong bikini. Well, you could buy a whole new wardrobe, but who has money for that? Or you could rent stuff from Nuuly and just send it back when you're done.
- [20:07]
A
Done.
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B
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- [22:34]
A
Oh really? Okay.
- [22:34]
B
Okay. And I think you treat it a similar way. And like you said, your pain is real. It's like a phantom limb. I've seen a patient with a phantom limb knew and it's like it was their limb that's not there was burning. What's going on.
- [22:49]
A
It doesn't change your empathy for them for going through that? No.
- [22:51]
B
It's the thing that I think people
- [22:53]
A
hear that when I tell my mom, mom, your back pain is stress in your brain that's rerouting itself because you can't handle what the pain of the mental things. So it finds a little point in your back that might be a little bit off and it fucking beats the hell out of it because it needs to get out. It makes these people feel that their pain is invalid or that we're saying it's. When you say it's all in your head it is dismissive. But when I say it to people I am not dismissing their pain. I feel so bad for them. I know that they're in pain.
- [23:20]
B
Well, especially chronic back pain. Wait, but it's not your back. She's never had an injury.
- [23:24]
A
No. This is the thing. If you read another book called Healing back pain by Dr. John Sarno.
- [23:30]
B
Yeah.
- [23:30]
A
You'll find that most back pain is. And people have all these extensive surgeries and it eventually comes back and it's all up here.
- [23:37]
B
What kind of degree does this guy have, like.
- [23:39]
A
He's like a real doctor. No, no, no. He's. He's. I mean, he has healed so many people, but he's a real back doctor. And the. The. You know, the back doctor industry kind of turned on him because he found this thing called tms, which I forget what it stands for, but it's pretty
- [23:53]
B
much like, oh, it's a brain stimulator.
- [23:55]
A
When you. No. Oh, that's a stimulator. But this. I think that the. The. The actual, you know, thing that's going on in your head is that it's shortened tms, but it's like, it's whatever. Whatever you're struggling. Struggling with mentally. And it can even go back to as far as, like, he was even talking about some. Because I had back pain once. Sorry to be all over the place. No, I was having, like, crippling back pain out of nowhere, and I went to the Comedy Cellar, and I was about to do my set, and I was complaining about it at the table, and this one comic was like, I. Ryan Reese was like, oh, I read this book, and my back pain went away. And I. As someone who read books and had things go away, I was like, give me this book right away.
- [24:30]
B
Yeah.
- [24:30]
A
And then I looked into this guy, and Howard Stern had his back pain cured, and he was going to go get surgery. He used to have to, like, do his whole show laying on the floor because he was in such excruciating pain. And he read this book. And the good news is you don't even have to address the mental anguish.
- [24:47]
B
Yeah.
- [24:47]
A
Like, let's say you were abused as a child or, like, even something as dumb as, like, when you're a kid, if I want to get this candle, I can just grab this candle, like, because I'm a kid. And at some point you get told, you can't grab that. You can't do what you want. Right. You can't just run out in the street if you want. Like, there's a part in your. Like, around three or four years old, you start learning that you can't do everything you want. And there's a grief that happens with that and a loss of that ability.
- [25:10]
B
Oh, I hear that.
- [25:11]
A
And then you store that grief in your head, and even that. That can find ways to, like, you know, just build up in your brain and take it out on your body later on. So you read this book, and you just. When you just know for a fact that, okay, when my back starts hurting, I just go, I hear you. Thank you so much for letting me know that I need to slow down and that something up here isn't right and I'm stressed out. I don't even have to solve it. If I just know it's up here, it goes away.
- [25:37]
B
Whoa.
- [25:38]
A
And it eventually will have to deal with it. But, yeah, if you talk to it and just, like, in your mind, if you just really know, listen, this isn't a pinched nerve. Like, these words that are said, like.
- [25:47]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [25:47]
A
It's a pinched nerve. It's a slipped disc. You like. Oh, yeah. And the bones, like, cracking together.
- [25:53]
B
And so it makes you.
- [25:54]
A
But believe the pain even more. And when you just eliminate that and read about it in this book called Healing Back Pain, I buy it for everyone in my life who ever has back pain.
- [26:02]
B
Wow.
- [26:03]
A
And it. It is. It has cured so many people. It's insane. Yeah.
- [26:06]
B
I have to look this guy up. I am a skeptic.
- [26:09]
A
Please read it. I would love to get your thoughts
- [26:11]
B
on it, because I just want to look up this guy's credentials. I understand, like. Like the psychosomatic. Yeah. Like, you stress. We know you carry stress in your shoulders. I'm sure you carry stress in your back. Yeah. But, like, they're actually, you know, in some cases are valid reasons, for sure.
- [26:26]
A
So that he definitely is. Like, if you've had an injury or, like, sometimes there are, like, actual physical abnormalities that are going on, causing pain.
- [26:34]
B
For sure.
- [26:35]
A
Yeah.
- [26:35]
B
And, like, your mom, who's, like, a little older.
- [26:38]
A
Totally.
- [26:39]
B
Yes.
- [26:39]
A
She could have some kind of fibromyalgia stuff. And I'm like. I think it's like, it could be just you getting old and feeling like you're disappearing to the world. And, like, the anxiety of that, like, that's hard. Or it might be that you're worried about money.
- [26:52]
B
Yeah. And anxiety shows up in different ways. Yeah. And it's like. I feel like a lot of it is, like, if you're having digestive problems or, like. Yes, like, your period will go away. Those things. But I know. I've never heard back pain. I'm interested.
- [27:05]
A
Oh, my God. I want you to. I'm gonna send you some videos on it. Yeah. So if someone's listening right now, Google John Stossel. Like, John Stossel, John Sarno. There was, like, in the 90s, there was, like, a piece they did on John Sarno. And it's always the video I send to people to get them on board with this.
- [27:20]
B
Yeah.
- [27:21]
A
Because it's. I really do. I mean, it worked for me. My back pain went away as soon as I read this book because.
- [27:27]
B
And do you believe in placebo effect?
- [27:30]
A
For sure. I mean, it's proven.
- [27:31]
B
Yes.
- [27:32]
A
No.
- [27:32]
B
I'm such a place. I'm so can you.
- [27:35]
A
But you can't trick yourself. Like, you can't placebo yourself, though.
- [27:38]
B
Yes. What do you mean?
- [27:39]
A
You have to. I've heard that placebo only works if I give you a pill and I tell you this is an antidepressant. You have to believe it's an antidepressant for this pill that isn't. That I know isn't to work.
- [27:49]
B
I placebo myself all the time.
- [27:50]
A
How so?
- [27:51]
B
I just, like, take something that I think is going to make me feel better or, like, have more energy.
- [27:55]
A
Oh, okay. So, yeah, like, you're believing it. Yes. So you can't give yourself a sugar pill and be like, this is for anti.
- [28:00]
B
Like, Right. But it's like, you know that it's not having that effect because maybe you've taken it before or it's like, it's just not it.
- [28:06]
A
I mean, it's like, ever. I really feel like so much is just like, what you tell yourself. If I tell myself, like, I think I can will myself to get sick if I'm just like, yes, I feel so sick.
- [28:18]
B
You can will yourself to lactate?
- [28:20]
A
Really?
- [28:20]
B
Yeah.
- [28:21]
A
Oh, I want to try that.
- [28:22]
B
I've done it. I got a wet nurse. She's in the room.
- [28:25]
A
Yes.
- [28:26]
B
If you think. Think you're pregnant. Like, if you think it enough, then you're literally. Your oxytocin will start going and you can lactate.
- [28:33]
A
Do you ever do, like, do you ever do positive affirmations and stuff like that to make yourself feel better? Like, do you struggle with, like, self esteem and stuff like that?
- [28:41]
B
Always. But I'm medicated, so I pretty much gave everything else up because I'm like,
- [28:45]
A
do you feel like that takes. It helps you with the self? Like, what. How does your self esteem? Because to me, you seem like someone who is just so fully yourself and confident and. And I know from people projecting that onto me that that might not always be the case. So I'm wondering how it's for you.
- [29:00]
B
Yeah, no, I feel the same way about you, but I've been, like, listening to your podcast, so, you know, so I know it's. Yeah. So I know it's fake. No, but same. I mean, I think meds have helped me a lot. And being in a relationship, people are like, you have to be healed before you go in. It's like, no. If you meet A good partner. They'll help heal you.
- [29:19]
A
That's the new thing I'm hearing, is that it's like, you don't need to love yourself. Like, everyone's like, you have to love myself before you find someone.
- [29:25]
B
No.
- [29:25]
A
Who's gonna love you.
- [29:26]
B
Right.
- [29:27]
A
And that was the rhetoric for, I
- [29:28]
B
think, the last decade.
- [29:29]
A
And now, just recently, I'm seeing reels about, like, no, you don't need to. Just don't stop with that whole thing.
- [29:34]
B
Literally, like, the love languages. It's like, I'm all five. Like, sue me. I want to touch, and I want a present.
- [29:39]
A
I want you to do the dishes while giving me a gift and holding me around the waist.
- [29:43]
B
Right.
- [29:44]
A
And. Yeah.
- [29:45]
B
Why am I supposed to pick one or two?
- [29:47]
A
Totally.
- [29:48]
B
Like, it's crazy. Yeah.
- [29:50]
A
So what. So what does your medication do for you? And, like, what was the difference between before and now?
- [29:55]
B
Well, I had, like. I was almost to the point. Like, I was in therapy the other day, where when I first, like, noticed I was, like, mentally, very mentally ill. I'd have, like, panic attacks at work. Like, full panic attacks. And I'm a nurse, so that's, like, not safe. But it was the fluorescent lights. It was being surrounded by doctors who. It's like, as a woman, they just don't treat you the same. And as a nurse, I'm always, like, going uphill to try and prove myself, to get people to listen to me, because I know best. I know. I know best, but you have to play the game. And I think I just kind of got sick of it. And I almost became. But they got to me, you know? So I became very insecure and almost, like, agoraphobic of, like, not wanting to go to work. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to, like, leave the house, really, because I didn't want to talk to people because I thought they all thought the same thing about me.
- [30:47]
A
Which was what?
- [30:48]
B
Which was just, like, that you're useless and nobody's going to listen to you. And, like, yeah, you know, you're smart, but it's. But like.
- [30:54]
A
But it's still deep inside. You were like, I do know better, but I just know. I don't trust people to ever know that about me. Yeah.
- [30:59]
B
I think deep, really deep inside, it's like, I know everything's fine, but, yeah, there's a middle layer almost that's like, no, people are gonna be really disappointed in you, actually, and they're gonna be
- [31:12]
A
wrong in their disappointment. But that. Yes, like, so you have The. Yeah, because you have the self esteem. It sounds like, like you believe in yourself. You don't trust others to see that, and so you're ultimately kind of staying away from them so you don't get disappointed in what you think is their disappointment in you.
- [31:28]
B
Yes. Yes. Well, that's really good.
- [31:30]
A
That's so interesting because that's like. It's different than how I feel about mine, which is. And I feel like that's what I'm sensing. Like, when I watch you and listen to you, I'm like, she's got a really. She's got good. She knows exactly who she is. And it's so magnetic to see someone who's so comfortable with who they are. And it becomes the thing that is. It's like your superpower. It's like, what makes you so talented is not only how smart you are and all the things, all your talents, but that you seem to just. I don't. There's just a confidence that there's. There's something else that I. I tend to struggle with, which is like, I have glimmers of feeling like, yeah, you've got this and you can do this, and you are smart. But I think deep below that is like, you are not good enough. And.
- [32:17]
B
Yeah.
- [32:17]
A
Not that I'm gonna disappoint. I mean. Yeah. Ultimately, it becomes about, like, the. The more tension I get, the more I feel like it's sometimes taking over my life and, like, making me feel that agoraphobia when it just comes to doing work things or, like, saying yes to things, because I just don't want people's. I feel like people's expectations of me are too high, and so I can't live up to, like, being on the COVID of Time magazine. Like, I got. I had a really bad day the other day because that came out, and I'm just like, wait, that made you
- [32:47]
B
have a bad day?
- [32:48]
A
Yeah, because it was, like, so much attention from people being like, oh, my God, you look stunning. Oh, my God, this is amazing. You are so influential. And I'm just, like, in St. Louis about to walk into a Pilates class. I feel like hell. I've slept till 12.
- [33:02]
B
Yeah.
- [33:02]
A
My dogs need to go on a walk. I have piles of laundry everywhere.
- [33:06]
B
I'm like everyone else on that cover. So is Charlie xcx, so is this person. So it's like we are all human.
- [33:12]
A
See those sides of those people. So I just feel, like, alone with it. And I feel like I some. You know, it's the. It's Just the really tired tale of imposter syndrome that I'm just so tired of even talking about. But it's like I just really want to like, figure out how to just be okay. Like, okay, let's say I am mediocre. Like, my biggest fear is being mediocre. Yeah, but.
- [33:32]
B
But obviously you're not.
- [33:34]
A
Yeah, but like, it. But I could be.
- [33:36]
B
Yeah.
- [33:36]
A
You know, like, and that should be okay.
- [33:38]
B
Right?
- [33:38]
A
That's something that annoys me.
- [33:39]
B
Is everybody else. Wait, what's your sign?
- [33:42]
A
Gemini. Okay.
- [33:43]
B
Oh my God. I was gonna guess kinda. What's your other signs. Do you know? Okay. Because you're very work driven.
- [33:49]
A
Yeah.
- [33:50]
B
Like, you remind me at least of one.
- [33:51]
A
Like, it's enneagram3. But my worth is being exceptional. Not even the best, just like unique. Like, I just like being. But then there's this other part of me that wants to be completely just the way everyone else looks and wants to be just. Yeah. Homogenized and like, look the way just in perfectionism. But also I want to stand out and like, wow, you've got something. Like, that's what I get off on. And. But the thing is, like, if I am mediocre, people always go, you're. But you're not mediocre. It's like, but if I am, or if I. Like, if I'm feeling unfuckable one day, I just don't feel like I look good. And people go, don't say that. You are so beautiful. And I go, no, it's fine. What if I wasn't like, what if I. Someone threw acid on my face and I became literally disfigured in a way that people aren't attracted to me sexually anymore.
- [34:41]
B
Which could happen. I was just gonna say bv. But you smell that, you're taking it to another level.
- [34:48]
A
But not people with that are acid attack victims cannot be sexually alluring to people. Because it can be. But I'm just talking about, you know, if I become disfigured in a way that makes me not like glamorous anymore and not like, oh my God, sex slay queen, then I should still be. So I don't like when people go, no, don't say that you are beautiful, because that doesn't do. That doesn't suit me. Because, like, I don't think, what if I'm ugly?
- [35:09]
B
It's like, sometimes I have ugly days. Don't we all totally, like, just let me, like, be a person and lament and like, things. Whatever. I'm allowed to, like, have a bad Day. Because you are too. Like, you know, sometimes you're gonna look at the mirror and look like Jack Nicholson. I'm not gonna be like, you're beautiful and be like, you look like a man.
- [35:26]
A
Yes.
- [35:27]
B
But, like, tomorrow it'll be better.
- [35:28]
A
It'll be it. That's the other thing is, like, I. I feel like that's the thing is the older you get, you realize that these things, these moods lift. These moods of feeling like I am never going to ever feel attractive again. This is how I look. And this is how I'm going to look forever.
- [35:40]
B
Yeah.
- [35:41]
A
And I'm always going to feel this way about myself, and I'm so sure of it. And then you get through your period and then lift. Yeah. Like, you start to see the patterns that take 40 years to start recognizing.
- [35:50]
B
Yeah.
- [35:50]
A
But I just. Now when I'm, like, spiraling around my friends and things like that, I just go, like, listen, I'm just having this moment. I know I won't feel this way maybe even tonight, but right now I'm feeling really ugly and I hate myself so much and just, like, kind of let me have it.
- [36:03]
B
No, totally. I say that to Ravi. I'm like, ugh. I'm just having, like. I just feel ugly and, like, you know, I feel like just not myself or I feel terrible. She's really good with my depression.
- [36:14]
A
Oh, that's so nice to have.
- [36:16]
B
Yes.
- [36:16]
A
Like, what does that mean for like. Like, what's. What's. What's the way to handle someone with depression? Because I get it too, but I'm, like, articulate. What I really want from people, she just, like.
- [36:27]
B
She just lets me do what I need. Well, when we were first together, I was trying to find a medication that worked for me, which was hell, like, for her, because some obviously made me, like, really irritable, some made me really tired, some made me manic. And, like, you don't know what you're going through at the time. But she was so patient. And we did get to a point where it's like, I'm like, okay, I'm going through medication change. I don't know how it's gonna affect me. And, like, as long as we were talking about it, but I'm like, what the fuck? Like, this Pristique is making me abuse my girlfriend. Yes. Like, it's so scary.
- [37:00]
A
But Pristique sounds like something that would never make that name. They workshop that. So it sounds like it. You would never forget anywhere. On prestige.
- [37:06]
B
Yes. And it made your tits huge.
- [37:08]
A
Oh, well, see, you Take the. You take the abuse. Robbie's like, okay, yeah.
- [37:14]
B
She's like, I love you anyway. Which is basically her all the time. Like, if I'm really sleepy or I can't get out of bed or, like, I'm sad, she's like, it's okay. Lay in bed. And then she'll be like, what are you feeling? Like, I don't know. Like, sometimes I will break down in tears. And she's just like. I mean, she talks a lot.
- [37:33]
A
She does. Yes. And that's good. Yeah. You don't have to talk.
- [37:37]
B
Right. But sometimes I'm like, okay, you know, that's enough. Just, like, sit with me.
- [37:41]
A
I don't need to intellectualize this anymore and have, like, the lot. The logic beaten out of how I'm feeling.
- [37:46]
B
Yeah.
- [37:47]
A
Or just like, yes, that's a really good point. But.
- [37:49]
B
But then she listens and she doesn't take it personally.
- [37:52]
A
That's the other thing. It's like, I think I grew up with a mom who I think, when I look back on it, is probably had some depression stuff and would like to nap a lot and, like, just stay inside and, like, just didn't like to do activities all the time. And. And I had a dad that was just so active and, like, just never understood that and was always. She always felt shame about having. About staying in bed or napping for, like, an extra hour during the day, which wouldn't have even been depression. Just, like, being exhausted.
- [38:15]
B
Yeah.
- [38:16]
A
And it was always like, what's wrong with you that you aren't as active as I am?
- [38:20]
B
Right.
- [38:20]
A
And as the rest of the family might be. And I'm more like my mom. So I think I've always thought that whatever relationship I get in, like, guy, like, whenever I was on dating apps and guys would be like, I love the outdoors, I'd be like, nope. Like, I can't be with someone that's ever going to expect me to go on a hike because they will be disappointed in me because I don't personality.
- [38:36]
B
Like, I think people who, like, love nature that much so you don't have anything else going on in your brain because all you want to do is look at a sequoia tree.
- [38:43]
A
Gabby, you are so. I, I. This dawned on me so much later because I always used to think those people were better than me that love
- [38:50]
B
nature same because they're that one with Mother Nature. But actually, you're brainless.
- [38:54]
A
You need. You are just. You're. You're on a hike and pointing out different trees so you don't have to talk about what's really going on in your life, is what I think. Or you have to like, look for hawks to be excited to like. It's like there's. I think that, you know, there's obviously beauty in nature and you. Because it's meditative and it's probably really good for your soul. But I do think there's something about it that is like, is not for the most interesting person. It's for a person who's kind of dull.
- [39:20]
B
Sometimes someone, if that's their number one hobby, like Robbie has a country house. We'll go like every couple months to get away from the city. That's great. Literally touch grass, you feel like, you know, better rejuvenated. But like, that's not my. I'm not gonna drive like two hours to go on a hike. I feel connected to the earth when I'm watering my house plants.
- [39:38]
A
That's nice.
- [39:39]
B
It's like, that's enough for me.
- [39:40]
A
I just like talking and so I feel like in nature you can't like gab as much.
- [39:44]
B
Yeah. Because you're behind each other and there's a struggle. Yeah.
- [39:48]
A
And there's also like, you have to plan like what you're gonna eat. Like, I like to know that I have. I don't like, whenever I'm watching like, or hearing people talking about camping or like, like, you know, mountaineering. I'm just like, my brother in law loves it. And I'm like, what? What. Yeah. Is. I literally am like, please explain to me what would make you want to do this thing that is so hard.
- [40:07]
B
Yes.
- [40:08]
A
Where you have to like ration your food. You have to set up a tent at the end of climbing uphill nine miles during the day. Like.
- [40:14]
B
Yeah.
- [40:14]
A
And he's like, I get. I really like doing something hard. And I'm like, okay. I relate to that.
- [40:20]
B
Right.
- [40:20]
A
That's not my. That I like.
- [40:22]
B
No.
- [40:22]
A
I like doing the Golden Globes because it's. It feels like climbing a mountain in my way of doing it. Like, it's so hard and taxing on my brain the way I like to work and myself. And at the end of it, it is the biggest high to be like, I just did this hard thing. I get that. But it's just. That's not where I would get it from ever. Of like.
- [40:38]
B
No. Because it's also like physic. It's physically hard. But yeah. I want a challenge in my brain. And it's slow hiking. Yeah.
- [40:45]
A
Just like, like setting up a tent
- [40:47]
B
and you can't look at the nature. You're looking at your feet to make sure that you, you're not going to trip. It's like no one can tell me otherwise. You don't. Nobody walks like this.
- [40:57]
A
Yeah, you're so right.
- [40:59]
B
No, like I don't.
- [41:00]
A
I look down and then sometimes you stop and at these points and you will look at out. And I understand being by yourself and doing that. Yeah. I would just be worried about how long are we gonna be here doing this. And is this person annoyed that I'm taking too long to get. Oh, I'm not taking it in enough. So they probably think I'm not as connected to mother Nature as them. And so I have to pretend to be. And also like the view. There are some Google images that do it for me. Google Earth.
- [41:25]
B
That's how I feel about travel too.
- [41:27]
A
I don't need to see it in person. No.
- [41:28]
B
People want to go to Scotland so bad. Don't do it.
- [41:31]
A
Don't like traveling.
- [41:32]
B
No, me either.
- [41:34]
A
And I think it's all a me out.
- [41:35]
B
It's all a farce. Because you're so jet lagged. If you're going to a different country, you're so jet lagged, you can't tell me like it's there. You're there for pictures. Unless you have like my friend travels all the time because she sources vintage clothes.
- [41:47]
A
Oh, that's cool.
- [41:48]
B
Yes. Like that could get me maybe to travel, but it's like there's also New York and LA and like Toronto has a great shopping. So it's like, what is the deal?
- [41:56]
A
I always do it because I am friends with people and my family loves to travel and see, see different things and go to historical landmarks and stuff. And I always, I'm always told that like once you do it, you'll understand how great it is. So I, I've done it. And at the end of the day, after touring Notre Dame, I don't. Yeah, I'm not changed. I don't know what I'm gonna.
- [42:16]
B
That's the thing is people think it's life changing. It's like, what's one thing city that's changed your life?
- [42:20]
A
Hello.
- [42:21]
B
Therapy is gonna change my life. Meds are gonna change my life.
- [42:24]
A
Hanging out with my friends and having like a good dinner with friends and good conversation that where you just uncover something or you share about yourselves. Like that's the stuff that makes me feel like I take it with me. I just don't. I wish I cared about museums and like learning about. There's Certain things about hit. Like, I love going Hitler.
- [42:42]
B
I thought you were gonna.
- [42:43]
A
Honestly, like, I. I would go to, like, I would love to go to a concentration camp. Like.
- [42:48]
B
Okay.
- [42:49]
A
And not to, you know, but, like, I would love to go to Dachau or, you know, Auschwitz and, like, anything. Like, I like tragedy. Yes.
- [42:57]
B
And so I work in a good way.
- [42:58]
A
I like going to historical sites where really tragic things have happened.
- [43:02]
B
Yeah.
- [43:02]
A
Because. And. And people might say that that's so fucked up. Like, you should go there to, like, honor the victims. Of course that's.
- [43:08]
B
I think it comes with it.
- [43:09]
A
But stop listening to murder podcasts then. And watching murder documentaries. You like it, too.
- [43:13]
B
Yeah.
- [43:14]
A
So I just. I'm tired of people pretending they're not into morbid things.
- [43:17]
B
Yeah.
- [43:18]
A
And that I'm, you know, like, I've been to Columbine, like, six times in Colorado. Love Columbine.
- [43:23]
B
You just go to school and look at it.
- [43:25]
A
I do.
- [43:26]
B
And I just go and look around.
- [43:28]
A
Yeah. Like, I feel. Well, Columbine happened when I was a freshman in high school, and I was, you know, I was just obsessed with it even then of, like, how did this happen? And two people conspired to do this, and they were teenagers and, like. And it just happened in a school like mine. I was just fascinated by it, and I was kind of, like, obsessed with it in a way that my friends, I could tell, were just like, oh, that thing that happened today. Like, I was like, yeah. For weeks wanting to talk about it and reading all the magazines about it. And then I, like, you know, 25 years later, read, like, a book about it because I was like, oh, I. I need some new. A new book to read. So I was like, I read this book, Columbine, and then I was like, shooting.
- [44:03]
B
Right.
- [44:04]
A
Oh, Gabby. Really? Wow.
- [44:06]
B
I think I was so young.
- [44:08]
A
Listen, we all have different interests. Yeah. You were so young.
- [44:10]
B
Was it.
- [44:10]
A
It was 1999. April 20, 1999. It was in Littleton, Colorado.
- [44:15]
B
Colorado.
- [44:16]
A
Were pretty much trying to do a bombing. It was not a shooting. It was. It was. The shooting was the failure of the bomb not going off the way they wanted it to. And then it just ran and started shooting people because they were really just going to pick people off as they ran out.
- [44:27]
B
Yeah.
- [44:28]
A
Guns.
- [44:28]
B
Jesus.
- [44:29]
A
Horrible.
- [44:29]
B
Oh, my God. And they went to the school.
- [44:31]
A
They went to school there.
- [44:32]
B
Oh, my. Seniors. And what was their deal?
- [44:34]
A
Mentally ill. Yeah. One of them was, like, pretty much a psychopath that just wanted to watch the world burn and loved suffering and stuff. And the other was Suicidal and depressed and kind of like the other guy's little, like, minions. So the psychology behind it is fascinating. Just like, yeah, one of the mothers of them wrote a book about it. So I was kind of just obsessed with it. And so when I go there, I don't know, I just, I. I've always been that way of, like, where, like, if I was alive for something that happened and I followed it closely, like, I want to go to the site of it and it's like, there's. There's a memorial and stuff, and it's really. It's actually, if it wasn't also beautiful in the most gorgeous school I've ever seen. And they have this huge field with all these groundhogs. Like, I wouldn't go back and back, but I, like, there's something about. I like, I like morbid stuff and like, I will drive past, you know, JonBenet's house or like, oh, yeah, it's
- [45:17]
B
been on sale for so long.
- [45:19]
A
Has it?
- [45:19]
B
Yes. Yeah. Nobody will buy it. Yeah, I don't want that. Yeah, no, no, I know. I guess I just, like, never got into Columbine, but I'm in. Into like, women in their 60s, like, are authors who've killed themselves. Oh, like Sylvia Plathe in the oven.
- [45:36]
A
Yes. Oh, I'm fascinated by people who've killed themselves.
- [45:39]
B
Yeah, no, same. Especially women because it's like, I would probably kill myself. Like, I. I haven't been suicidal, but I've had, like, I've been passively where it's like, if I didn't wake up tomorrow, I'm fine.
- [45:49]
A
You never thought about killing yourself or been like, I wish I could kill myself?
- [45:53]
B
No. Like, if I felt turbulence, I'd be like, I'm not scared. But. But have you been? Yes.
- [46:00]
A
I mean, like, I have always said that I have. I have the same disease that Anthony Bourdain and Sylvia Plath and what's the guy from Chester Bennington or like, anyone that, like, has killed themselves.
- [46:12]
B
What do you mean? The disease?
- [46:14]
A
I have suicidal depression.
- [46:16]
B
Oh, wow.
- [46:17]
A
Stage five is doing it.
- [46:19]
B
Yes.
- [46:20]
A
And I have stage two some days and stage one, and sometimes it gets to a three. I've never acted on it. I've never planned anything, but I definitely have it in me.
- [46:29]
B
So what are your thoughts? Like you've never.
- [46:31]
A
I just. When I get really depressed, like, I. And I'm not ashamed of it because I literally look at it as a disease that I fight. And I'm never gonna do it because I have a system in place that, like, I know that all the things you convince yourself when you're in that state of, like, my parents were, would be better off without me and my friends. Like, yeah, I know I've worked hard enough to understand that none of that is true. And I, I would. I would call a hotline or I would commit myself to a hospital before I would do it. Like, I've agreed that that has to be my plan. Yeah. If I ever get to that point,
- [47:01]
B
I think, like, 90% of people who call the hotline, like, aren't going to do it.
- [47:05]
A
So that's interesting. Yeah.
- [47:07]
B
I could be way wrong. Well, but I think once you get to the point where you're like, I need help, like, help me, then, like, you're willing to listen to somebody.
- [47:15]
A
But, you know, they both, you know, I've obsessed with suicide, so I've, like, watched every documentary about it and read so many books about it because I. It's.
- [47:22]
B
What did they say about it?
- [47:24]
A
Well, they say, you know, the guys that jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, that were sure they wanted to kill themselves, the second their foot leaves the thing, they regret it.
- [47:31]
B
My thing is, like, I've talked to people who, like, I don't know, have dated someone or, like, who have committed suicide. I'm like, honestly, like, if they're. If they thought their life was.
- [47:39]
A
Was that bad, imagine the amount of pain they were in.
- [47:42]
B
Exactly. And they're going to spend their whole life like this. Like, it's not, I think, you know, people get mad at them or like, that was a really bad thing to do. It's like, imagine being in their situation if this was their only way. If their relief had the same.
- [47:56]
A
If I had the kind of suicidal depression I have, like, you know, once every couple months, I'll have a day where it's like. Or a few hours of a day where I'm like, really in it. If that was to go on and on for years, yeah, it would be the most torturous existence imaginable. So I do. I. I'm never one to be like, why didn't they get help? Or, like, what? Why did they. This is so selfish of them. Because I just, I think, honestly, they're just coming from the perspective of someone who's had these thoughts. Like, you really do think people would be. You think you're doing people a favor and you're actually, like, doing it's. And sometimes it's selfish, but because they just are avoiding getting caught being pedophiles or like, a lot of people Kill themselves.
- [48:34]
B
Because then that's fine. I'm glad you killed yourself.
- [48:37]
A
Like, but like.
- [48:38]
B
Yeah.
- [48:38]
A
When. When people go like, it's. They've discovered that when they put up nets. This is pretty fascinating. When they put up nets underneath the Golden Gates Bridge. Suicides dropped in San Francisco by the percentage of people that used to kill themselves on the bridge. Those people that were gonna kill themselves on the bridge because they had so much data, because. Because every year this almost exact amount of people would do it. When they put up the nets. Those people did not go kill themselves. Another way it is about having the thing to do it readily available.
- [49:08]
B
Did they jump into the net or they just. I think that they just didn't.
- [49:11]
A
They didn't even try. That's so interesting. That would be like.
- [49:14]
B
So I'm still gonna try bouncing up. Actually, I still wanna jump.
- [49:20]
A
It would be so embarrassing. But like they're just trying to scramble out of it, like cut the rope. But like, I think it's. What they found is that if you usually suicide is like gun pills. If you don't have the pills and don't have the guns readily available, those people will not go do it some other way.
- [49:35]
B
Yeah.
- [49:35]
A
It's like. You got it. So I'm not someone who will ever own a gun ever, ever, ever. Because I do not.
- [49:41]
B
My.
- [49:41]
A
I can't trust myself. You got to eliminate. So if people have suicidal depression in your life and you know of them. Make sure they don't have guns. Make sure they don't have ropes.
- [49:51]
B
Yeah. Make sure they don't have a space.
- [49:54]
A
Talk to them about how they would do it when they're of right mind.
- [49:56]
B
Well, that's.
- [49:57]
A
They don't have those things around.
- [49:59]
B
Have you thought about.
- [50:00]
A
Yeah, I would probably do. Yeah. The thing that I wouldn't want around.
- [50:04]
B
Okay.
- [50:04]
A
Because I would just, you know. Right.
- [50:06]
B
It'd be the easiest.
- [50:07]
A
I wouldn't like saying that right now. Let me just be clear. I wouldn't. I can't even relate to someone that would say that they would ever do that. No. This is not someone that I am right now. I feel like I don't want people to worry about me.
- [50:16]
B
But like talking.
- [50:17]
A
Yeah. Like. Yeah. How I. I mean, if there's ways to do it painlessly that I've heard about.
- [50:24]
B
Yeah.
- [50:24]
A
That I would probably do it. But honestly, I feel like I really like what they're doing. Like they're people that are suffering with depression and anxiety. Like they get to be euthanized and they get to go out a way that is really comfortable for them. I really believe that is. That would be the way to go. I hope I never, you know, if I have to you I'll have to die eventually.
- [50:39]
B
And I hope it's that way. Yeah, yeah.
- [50:41]
A
Where it's like.
- [50:41]
B
No, honestly. What's it called again? Not elective euthanasia. It's called something like that. Like when you're sicker. That's. It's like if I get dementia, I can only live with it for so long. It's so sad enough that you can't even. I'll put it in my will.
- [50:58]
A
I know. Yeah.
- [50:59]
B
Yes. I'll do it before.
- [51:00]
A
To be able to do that in the States you can't. Like you can go to or you have to move to Oregon or something like that. Like it's so much work.
- [51:07]
B
Yeah. No, it's so dumb. I hope by that point like we've like talked about about and maybe become more progressed because.
- [51:12]
A
Yes, but it's like. Yeah, I definitely have the. But I like. I don't know. Like I. Oh my God.
- [51:18]
B
Can I tell you a story?
- [51:20]
A
Yeah.
- [51:33]
B
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- [53:19]
A
I mean, it's not like she's gonna be like, oh, my God, thank God. This is the transformation I wanted. No, I finally love myself.
- [53:25]
B
Right.
- [53:25]
A
Because most of the time when people are in that level of wanting to end it.
- [53:29]
B
Yeah.
- [53:29]
A
They're really upset when they wake up.
- [53:31]
B
Yeah.
- [53:31]
A
Because it's not like that just cured them and gave them a new lease on life. Like these people that step off the Golden Gate Bridge and go, I regret it right away. Ultimately, they find a way to overcome it and go, oh, my God, I didn't really want to die.
- [53:41]
B
But they still make you want to die even more.
- [53:45]
A
Oh, my God.
- [53:46]
B
I know.
- [53:46]
A
Awful. Yeah. That's the thing you worry about. But hopefully that per. That woman finds some kind of purpose in becoming an advocate about, like, hey, don't do this to yourself. And there is a life on the other side of it. Like, you hope that they find some kind of meaning that maybe their life didn't have before it. But it's. I had a friend kill himself in high school. And I think that's why I was first introduced to it, the concept of it and how. And just like, I don't know, I just. I was also morbidly curious about it, about this guy that kind of did it in high school. Blamed my friend for why he did it because she didn't like him.
- [54:22]
B
Wait, he left a note and only on her doorstep. Oh, my God. She. Okay.
- [54:29]
A
Yes, yes. After a really long time. But like, oh, my God. That was. That happened my senior year, high school. And. And it was just like. And I. And I seen the gun that he did it with. Like, the night before he did it, he, like, showed us this gun he got. And like.
- [54:44]
B
So I was just like, was he depressed? Obviously?
- [54:47]
A
Yeah. Like, people knew he was kind of depressed and stuff and, like, kind of did a lot of drugs and stuff like that. But it was. There was never any signs of this kind of happening. And so, yeah, I think at an early age I was just kind of fascinated by that. You know what I think it is sometimes is I get those thoughts and I want to, like, end it or I have thoughts of imagining doing it because I think it's just an expression to the people in your life and to the public of how sad I
- [55:11]
B
actually Bad it is that I can't
- [55:13]
A
articulate this anyway and that if I were to do something like this or even fan if when I fantasize about it, suddenly everyone in my life who might think that I'm being dramatic or that just might not even understand it. And maybe I'm just guessing that they wouldn't understand it. They will understand this because who. No one would do this unless they were in immense pain.
- [55:32]
B
Yeah.
- [55:32]
A
But the thing is people don't really understand it. On the, on the other side of it. They often just say that person, person was selfish, how dumb of them. They should have asked for help. They don't go, wow, what immense pain they should have been in.
- [55:43]
B
Yes.
- [55:44]
A
To choose this over.
- [55:45]
B
Which seems like backwards to me because it's like, what don't you get? Like you think people just want to kill themselves? Like it's actually people just lack empathy as I did. Or just don't understand mental health at all. And it's like being mentally ill, like, if I could control this, you bet your ass. If I didn't have to take meds like three times a day. Like, actually it's fine because like now, you know, like I feel way better.
- [56:07]
A
Yes.
- [56:08]
B
But I can't imagine somebody just like walking through life like without any meds like I do with meds. And I still have like breakthroughs. And it's so true. Because sometimes you can't express unless you're in full blown tears, like how sad you are. Yes.
- [56:21]
A
Like I can't even express to myself. It would be almost a demonstration to myself of this.
- [56:25]
B
Yeah.
- [56:26]
A
Me complaining about feeling bad all the time and me like just slobber, bogging my way through life. It would all be justified because look at, I have the fatal kind of this.
- [56:34]
B
Right.
- [56:34]
A
And I think that's maybe the. Sometimes the, the thought when I like have fantasies about it or like, it's just to show the world, like, look at how sad I am.
- [56:43]
B
Yeah.
- [56:43]
A
And I have to remember that wouldn't even work. It would just be like, oh, that's really sad. How crazy she was.
- [56:49]
B
Wait. They'd be like, we knew it and that.
- [56:51]
A
And like. And judgmental of how crazy.
- [56:53]
B
Yeah.
- [56:53]
A
And that's the other thing. It's like you don't get people outside of lung cancer. I would say when you get cancer, no one is like, that's so embarrassing. You got cancer. Like, what did you do to get that?
- [57:03]
B
Oh yeah.
- [57:03]
A
Why did you do the things you did to get that? I mean, lung cancer. I think I always imagine if I ever got that, I would just feel embarrassed because I did this to myself, even though that's not even the case.
- [57:12]
B
Right, right.
- [57:12]
A
But like mental illness, there's something about it that makes people go, that person's doing it to themselves. They're choosing this.
- [57:18]
B
Yes.
- [57:19]
A
Like, I had anorexia and that was the biggest problem with anorexia. And it still is.
- [57:22]
B
Yeah.
- [57:22]
A
Or having an overeating issue and being, you know, obese, that people just think that people are choosing to. It's an addiction.
- [57:29]
B
It's an addiction to put down the cheeseburger.
- [57:31]
A
It's like, yeah, you idiot.
- [57:33]
B
Right.
- [57:33]
A
You don't understand. Do you think this person, like, there are people that love themselves whatever size they are.
- [57:37]
B
Yeah.
- [57:37]
A
But do you think someone wants to be in a body that makes everyone make fun of them and makes life so much harder for them?
- [57:43]
B
Or like bed bound, we would get patients that were 700, 100 pounds. We had to like break the doors.
- [57:49]
A
But people go, just stop eating. They. Then why do they like milkshake so much? It's like, it's because it's soothing something in them that they cannot control the desire to use.
- [57:58]
B
It's the same thing as reaching for a cigarette. It's the same thing as any kind of addiction. But people.
- [58:02]
A
People don't get it. Because some people, you know, some people just don't have addictions. They don't have the digital personalities and they cannot even grasp what that would feel like. And sometimes I struggle with it. Like, there's parts the of me that can even having gone through having anorexia and not even understanding why I can't eat, and even thinking that it's my fault that I'm not eating, that it's a choice I'm making, that sometimes I'll see a girl that has anorexia, even now, 25 years, recovered from it, I'll be like, girl, just eat something. I, like, get frustrated in that way. And I'm like, and I've been through it, so I can't even. I can't expect the most people to understand it, but just. You just have to take a beat and think like, does this person. No one wants to be made fun of or judged, so they're in a position where they're being that way. Same with trans people. Do you think when people go, they just want attention?
- [58:46]
B
No. It's like, hello. What they want to be is this where right.
- [58:50]
A
Laws are making it so you can't live freely and people make fun of you and people think that like, no One's which maybe one person out of a thousand might wear a dress to be like, I'm different. I just want to make my dad mad. But I would say even less than that. Like, the bulk of people would not choose to have to have surgeries and change everything about their lives.
- [59:12]
B
Yes.
- [59:13]
A
There must be something else there that is such a desire to be on the other side.
- [59:16]
B
Yeah.
- [59:17]
A
That they are willing to put themselves
- [59:19]
B
through this gender social yoga. It's like, literally, I mean, even being with Robbie, it's like, I've just learned. I mean, she's not trans, she doesn't take any hormones, but she's like, you know, straddling the line. Like, she just is a person to me. I never questioned, like, her top surgery. I knew she didn't have tits, and I was like, well, you know, I think the first time I saw her without a shirt, and I'm like, just kind of, you know, asking about it, like, how'd you do that? Like, you know, why? And it's like, oh, I get it. It's like getting big tits when you want to be more feminine. It's literally that easy to understand.
- [59:55]
A
That's. Yes. It's just.
- [59:57]
B
It's gender affirming.
- [59:59]
A
It's. It's affirming what you feel you are.
- [60:01]
B
Yeah.
- [60:01]
A
And for anyone to think that Robbie Hoffman would have undergone surgery to look a certain way so that the. So that she could get something, whether it's attention in society or, like, have a cool image to then market. So she was a bigger comedian. Like, no. What? Like, it. It's like when people accuse Cosby's victims of, like, wanting to be famous. In what world?
- [60:23]
B
Oh, they'll go on those household names
- [60:25]
A
that we all celebrate today.
- [60:26]
B
Yeah.
- [60:27]
A
That all are on housewives and have podcasts.
- [60:28]
B
We don't know the names of these
- [60:29]
A
women, so they're seeking fame. What are you talking about? Like, yeah, it's just. It's. It's so frustrating to me. And just like. Yeah, it's just. And I. Yeah, I just. But I feel like, you know, I just am constantly. Sometimes I nauseate myself by talking about this stuff so much. My mental illness. Illness and my depression and stuff. And it's like, enough already. Like, I have insecurities about talking about the things.
- [60:54]
B
I'm insecure about those same somebody. Like, because it's like, whatever. It's my podcast. I get to talk about whatever I want. Like, especially when I'm like. I'm like, you know, I'm on a medication. Not a lot of people have heard of. Because I'm like, last ditch effort. Like, if this doesn't work, I'm done for. Who the knows. Like, it's truly saved my career, saved my life. I'm gonna talk about it.
- [61:14]
A
You have.
- [61:14]
B
I have the microphone. And in case, like, somebody else needs to be on it. Yeah.
- [61:19]
A
What if you could turn off the podcast if you don't like it.
- [61:22]
B
Right? Exactly.
- [61:22]
A
When people are like, nikki's changed and I just don't like what she's taught. Like, it's like, right. Find someone else. I can't. You've changed to me too. Because you used to be accepting of who I was. Right.
- [61:33]
B
You're the one who's changed. You're the one I got a DM that was like, don't just talk about your depression. You're way more than that. It's like, what if I'm not? Yes. What if I. What if it makes me who I am? Which, like, it does.
- [61:45]
A
And don't. I always went from my, like, the people I'm fans of, Like, I never. When I go see Taylor Swift, I do not want her. If I knew that one of her songs, like, really nauseated her, saying she was just sick of it and, like, that happened to be my favorite song, I would never want her to do that song. I want her to be doing exactly what she wants to do. That's the person performance I want to see. That's why I don't like going to Broadway shows, because I feel like these people have to do it so textbook. The same way every night.
- [62:13]
B
Yeah.
- [62:14]
A
That they can't possibly enjoy it. That's me projecting as a performer who gets to change up whatever I want. Yeah. Some people do enjoy doing the same thing every night and finding ways to tweak it to make it their own. So I know that that's been dispelled for me, but I really have a hard time listening or enjoying anyone who is not doing exactly what they want to do. Even if it's not exactly what I want to hear, then I just won't listen. But I would hate for you to not talk about your depression because I gave you a note of, like, it's kind of like a bummer to hear about. And you start, like, talking about yeah or something, and I'm just like, okay.
- [62:45]
B
Which I hate the pit, but.
- [62:47]
A
Oh, yeah. As a nurse.
- [62:48]
B
Yeah.
- [62:48]
A
I haven't watched it yet because I just don't. I'm there.
- [62:51]
B
But I know people love it. It's fine. It's good tv.
- [62:53]
A
People love it. I mean, everyone I trust loves it. I know I would love it. I just haven't given a shot yet.
- [62:57]
B
Yeah, do whatever you want, but I hate it.
- [63:01]
A
So do you feel it's not realistic?
- [63:03]
B
No. And their whole thing is like, this is the realest like medical show we've ever had on tv. We treat the nurses like there's nurses in the show. We really appreciate them. It's like, don't. Like you're tooting your own horn, but it's like not making any noise. Like it's just not true at all.
- [63:19]
A
Nurses get treated like shit by doctors. I mean, yes, not all doctors, I'm assuming, but some have.
- [63:25]
B
Oh yeah, no, totally. There's such a God complex and such ego. Especially a lot of nurses are young women. Like, because we have the energy and you have to use and abuse them. So it's like by the time you wake up, you're like, okay, I'm going back to school, I'm not doing this anymore. But so like, imagine being like a 22 year old girl. You know what you're doing. But these old man doctors are like looking down on you, being like you don't have a brain. Like, if I looked it, there would be holes. Holes in it. That's what they think, but that's how it feels.
- [63:54]
A
I mean, they're already have the biggest egos going, so how would they not treat someone who they deem as like taking the lesser route than they did? Right, with disrespect. Yes, because. And being women.
- [64:07]
B
Exactly. Well, that's the thing is it's a female. It's just like, can we bring back the word female? Like we weren't allowed to use it before, but sometimes you just got to use it.
- [64:15]
A
Yeah, sure.
- [64:16]
B
It's a female dominated work industry and they're usually, you know, women who are
- [64:23]
A
like, probably drawn to it because they're caregivers and they're people pleasers a little bit.
- [64:27]
B
Yeah, we're nurturers. We have kids, like, whatever, so it makes sense. But it's like we're still living in the World War II times. Like they still want us to be wearing like a white dress and a little.
- [64:37]
A
Totally. They do. Yeah. Like they want you to wear like the Halloween costume. Literally your profession.
- [64:43]
B
Yes. And like act like it. But it's like, actually nurses have, especially ICU nurses, we have way more autonomy now because we're always in a nursing crisis. I don't know how. And there's like not enough doctors on the floor. So we and we're on the front lines. So it's like I've, you know, if my patient is like, whatever. Going down the drain, about to, like, Lou, it's like, I'll stop that. I'll fix it, and then I'll go and tell you later. Yep. But it's like you're not even there to see, so you don't know anything happened. But on the pit, it's like they're in the er. They transfer the patient from the gurney to the bed. Nurses do that. Doctors are nowhere to be found.
- [65:18]
A
Doctors aren't touching.
- [65:19]
B
No, no. They're at the computer writing orders. And I obviously respect their education.
- [65:24]
A
Yeah.
- [65:24]
B
I'm so glad they're writing orders and not me. I don't want to get sued, but they say nurses don't get sued if you have a good bedside manner. So, you know, I'm like, always. Always. Yeah.
- [65:35]
A
Having to be so cheery and on. Is that exhausting? Is that a part of it that got exhausting? Hi, Good morning. And how are you today? And, like, having to talk to the family that this is just another patient for you. Not that it isn't important, but, like, Right. What is happening in their family right now is the most important thing that's ever happened.
- [65:52]
B
Yes.
- [65:52]
A
You have to address every single room.
- [65:54]
B
Right.
- [65:55]
A
With that kind of level, it's scary.
- [65:57]
B
It's like your loved one is on. On five forms of life support.
- [66:01]
A
Oh, my God.
- [66:02]
B
It's like, they're probably not gonna make it.
- [66:04]
A
That would be so hard to deal with family. I would feel like that. I. I, like, get scared around people who are grieving. Like, I sometimes retreat, like, if my friend's mom is sick, like, I'll find it hard to text because I just don't know what to say. Like, I can be a bad friend sometimes. I'm really working on it.
- [66:20]
B
Yeah.
- [66:21]
A
But having to constantly confront people that are struggling. It's gotta be those. So hard.
- [66:26]
B
Yes. I was, like, I was honestly pretty good at it, just because.
- [66:29]
A
Yeah.
- [66:29]
B
You actually don't have to say anything. They just, like, want to listen or they want to talk and they want you to listen and be. And it's like, that's it. Like, there's nothing you can say. So many lives. Yeah.
- [66:40]
A
That's. Is there other stuff that you want to do? Like, are you, like, do. Do you. Are you someone that's goal oriented, or are you just kind of flying by the seat of your pants, like, oh, this sounds fun. They asked me to do this. Yeah, let's Try that.
- [66:50]
B
It's like, I feel like, yes, it's kind of like the deep down. But I'll act like I'm used to being the underdog, and I'm used to being, like, you know, underrated. So I'll, like, let people think that, but in the back of my mind, I'm like, oh, like, give me a year and then go fuck yourselves. Like, you know, it's always worked out for me like that.
- [67:08]
A
Yeah.
- [67:08]
B
So. And, like, even now, I'm still kind of going on that path. But of course, I mean, I want to do more acting. I don't know. Other people. People are like, do you want to make your own show? It's like, I'm just not there yet.
- [67:19]
A
It's, like, really hard.
- [67:20]
B
Yeah. Wait, but you want to get in. You're writing and stuff more.
- [67:23]
A
Yeah, but it's so hard and it's so time consuming. And I really like things to be immediate. Like, I like to. That's why I, like, stand up. If I write a joke right today, I can go out and get the feedback from it. Tonight, I can get. I can perform it, and I get the feedback and I get my little sticker that says, you're good and you're talented. But a script, you send it, you wait for them to read it, then you get. You just get critiques back, right? And maybe a little positivity. It's not immediate. And then whether it's even. And by the time that. And I get bored really quickly with something. So, like, if, you know, I need to tell a joke immediately that I write, because then I'll convince myself it's not good. So by the time that a script I'm even working on gets to the point where it's being made, I'm like, I'm over this. And I already convinced myself it's not even good anymore. So I just. I don't have that. Like, I'm not good at working on things long term. So that's. So. It's been nice for me. I'm just like, I would. I loved. I just made a movie, and I fucking had the best time doing it. Oh, my God. Kim Kardashian and Brenda Song. Shut up. And Fortune Feimster.
- [68:21]
B
Oh, my God.
- [68:22]
A
Eva Longoria directing.
- [68:23]
B
Shut up.
- [68:24]
A
It was.
- [68:25]
B
Oh, my God.
- [68:25]
A
So much fun. It was just like, you know, like, just getting to be, like, a family on a set. Like, you have, like, you hear about these, like, you know, on press tours where they're like, oh, we had much so, so much fun. On set, we were best friends. Like, really was like that. Yes. It was fun and it moved so fast and it was. And I did get that like immediate feedback, like, of just like practice. Do a scene and then we'd mess with it and we'd have people laughing after. Like, it was just, it was so collaborative and fun. But like, to get that movie off the ground, like, there was like two years behind it of people working on it before I stepped into it. So I, I'm right now just like wanting to get scripts and then be like, okay, here's what I like about. Can we just like change the. This whole thing and like jump in when it's almost at the finish line?
- [69:02]
B
Yeah.
- [69:02]
A
Or like, you know, I came up with an idea the other day for like a great idea for a movie and I'm like, but I don't want to write this. Like, it's just too much work. And I, my brain doesn't work that way. I just don't work well with like long form stuff. I love quick punch up jokes. Yeah. So I think I'm just like gonna take my idea to someone who I trust to write it and then I'll just give notes and, and hopefully make it happen.
- [69:20]
B
Yeah.
- [69:21]
A
I've never been like goal oriented. I've just always kind of been like. I think that's why I projected that onto you of like, because you do so many different things. Like Dancing with the Stars and your cheerleader and a nurse and the Bachelor and now Queer and Traders and like. And then like, of course, put it on the other, like, or interviewing me on the record, the VMAs. Like, you do it all. Or like podcaster that says like philosophical things, like, you do so many different things. And I feel like that's what I'd like to do is like, I just am like, oh, what's the next thing that'll get offered to me because I'm at this next level of fame? Like, who's gonna invite me to do some weird thing that I would have never thought I'd have the opportunity to do?
- [69:56]
B
Yes.
- [69:56]
A
Like, like, even the idea of Traders, like, watching, I never watched the show. I didn't want. I'm gonna go back and watch her season. But I'd watched this season for the first time and I was like, I want to do Trader. Would you what? And everyone's like, I think you're a little too famous right now to do it. And I'm like, that doesn't, that doesn't resonate. Like, I want to do something because it's cool, not because I'm like, right. It's a. It's the right time for like, this is a cool thing.
- [70:14]
B
It's not gonna make you unfamous. It's just gonna like annotate huge platform traders. Made my career. Like, that's when it jumped, like, popped off.
- [70:23]
A
It's so cool to do or like, you know, Dancing with the Stars. I got asked to do it before. I was like more of a household name that I barely am now.
- [70:32]
B
But watch your clips because I've.
- [70:35]
A
I would love to go on it now where people know me a little bit more. Maybe would have voted for me to see the Andy Richter it out and like stumble through seven episodes. But like, just like getting, you know, asked to do fun. Like, I'm excited to see like, what else. Like, I did. Paul McCartney just had a concert in town and like all these famous people were there and I was like, oh, God damn it. I'm not famous enough to have gotten invited to that.
- [70:56]
B
And that's not gay enough because he invites the gays.
- [70:59]
A
Really?
- [71:00]
B
I get invited every year to Paul McCartney. Who's. He is. Is he the one on the piano with Dua Lipa?
- [71:06]
A
Okay. Columbine was a shooting in 1999 and Paul McCartney is. That's Albeito. Yeah. Paul McCartney's the Beatles.
- [71:14]
B
I'm thinking I could be thinking of both.
- [71:16]
A
If you got invited to Paul McCartney and turned it down. I would. I can't. I mean, I'd be so excited for you. But he, you know, he's getting up there in age and I feel like, oh, that's maybe one thing that I might not get to do. But that's something that like this level of celebrity, you get these opportunities that you're like, yes. Oh my God. I would get to like meet this person potentially that I've like, admired my whole life. So that's the kind of stuff I look forward to.
- [71:35]
B
I think that's same. And yeah. And I feel like your goal oriented. Definitely.
- [71:39]
A
Like I told you there. Oh my God.
- [71:41]
B
I wanted to talk about that. Get smoked a joint together.
- [71:45]
A
You changed my. Can I just say I was. I was singing your praises all fucking week because I was at this Vanity Fair party. I was so. I was. I went. We and Taylor Tomlinson went together and we were just like having like. We were just feeling awkward. We were having like really good chats ourselves, but we didn't know how to like branch out. And we were looking at different like groups and we saw you over in the corner with, like, Tate McCray.
- [72:08]
B
And, like, I wasn't in that. I wasn't there.
- [72:11]
A
You were with a cool girl. It was Rachel Cenot. Yes.
- [72:14]
B
Yes.
- [72:15]
A
And, like, whoever she. Like, there was another cool girl she was with. Like, it was like a cool girl corral in the corner. And I was like, I know Robbie and Gabby would love if I came over, but I don't know, really, the rest of them that well. And I don't want to break in. And also, I feel like were in these really comfortable seats. I don't want to give them up. And then. But I was just like. I think I was getting to the point where I was like, I'm ready to leave.
- [72:34]
B
Yeah.
- [72:34]
A
Like, it's just like, I've seen who. No, no one. The celebrities around. I've kind of, like, taken it all in. And I. I don't. I don't care if I. Leo walks in. Like, I don't need to say Leo. It's just like, what am I doing here? And then you guys came over and you were like, we were just smoking a joint over there. And I was like, you got any more of that? And you again.
- [72:54]
B
A roach.
- [72:56]
A
A roach changed my night because I had another party to go to after that that I was just gonna bail on because I was just like, it wasn't even like, I'm feeling awkward and anxious and I'm not having a good time. It was just like, yeah, I don't really care.
- [73:08]
B
Right?
- [73:08]
A
I just don't care. Yes. And not in a cool way of, like, I'm above this. Not that. It was just like, I just want to go home and put on my sweats and, like, watch Survivor or whatever.
- [73:16]
B
It was like, that's. I'm just not very so, like, social like that because it's like, kind of. What am I getting? Like, not even that I need to get anything out of it career wise, but, like, friend wise. It's like, I'm not connecting with friends. I don't know any of these people. Luckily, like, Hannah Einbinder and her friend and we were all smoking, I was like, okay, I found my people.
- [73:35]
A
I know. And when you guys all came over to us and brought that whole group, like, and you. That joint changed that. Two puffs of that. Yeah. Literally. I don't want to promote smoking marijuana because it is an addictive substance and it can, like, destroy lives. I really do think that.
- [73:49]
B
Really?
- [73:50]
A
I think it can be like, it's been. I've been addicted to it before. Where. What is it all day long.
- [73:55]
B
All day.
- [73:56]
A
And I feel high when I'm not high.
- [73:57]
B
Oh, I would love that.
- [73:59]
A
You've never, you've never like wait and baked like been a smoker like that. Did it on that level?
- [74:03]
B
No, this is my shame actually is cigs, which I'm not ready to quit it seems after listening to the Alan Carr of you.
- [74:10]
A
And when you're ready to quit, read that book and you'll fudgeing be done with it. It's just waiting for you. So just have fun now.
- [74:15]
B
That's what I'm saying. Like I've only been smoking well and I don't drink.
- [74:20]
A
Enjoy it. Don't do it with guilt.
- [74:21]
B
Well, that's. And it's like what am I supposed to do? I quit. Like I'm, I'm tough on myself with smoking weed cuz I could do it every night. So I'm like, okay, I'll do it three times a week.
- [74:29]
A
I don't wait. Here's the other thing. Shame about what you are doing. If you are smoking cigarettes currently or you are smok. And I should do this with vaping. Nikki, if you're vaping right now and you are, or you're drinking or you're. You're smoking weed every night, here's the shame you're feeling when you do those things and you're like, I'm such a loser. I wasn't supposed to smoke weed tonight, but I'm doing it. That shame is going to cause you to smoke more weed tomorrow night and the next night. That is what's causing it, is the shame. But if you're just like, you know what? I'm a good person and this is what I want right now.
- [74:59]
B
Yeah.
- [74:59]
A
And this, honestly, it makes me feel better. And whether it's good for me or not, I, I need this right now.
- [75:05]
B
Well, honestly.
- [75:06]
A
And I deserve it. Yes, you will have less of that joint and you will. It will that the. If you eat six Oreos and you really only were supposed to have two, don't. Then you needed six because shaming yourself about the six is gonna make you finish the whole fucking sleep. The anxiety, you're gonna need to fill that. So just go. Huh. I guess I needed six or ten or whatever.
- [75:24]
B
Yeah.
- [75:24]
A
But don't be mad at yourself about what you do. And I feel like I needed to remind myself. I need to say that loud for myself because that's always helped me.
- [75:30]
B
And I know I'm not like, I'm not really crazy with it. You know, I'm not Like what I. Every day, like from morning till night.
- [75:38]
A
I mean, it's literally.
- [75:40]
B
Yeah, it's like I kind of want to be that. Cause then I'll push myself over the edge and then I'll like, come back and it'll be fine. But yeah, it's like I'm getting my shit done. I was on Reddit the other day. Naturally, now they feed you stuff that's like, smoking weed is bad. And it was like, well, it's just. It makes you comfortable being bored. And you don't learn anything when you're being bored. It's like I learn everything all the time.
- [76:03]
A
And being bored, first of all, when I'm stoned, it makes me like, want to create and do this and kind of like, to me, it doesn't for me, it doesn't take me out of life. I mean, maybe sometimes it makes me like.
- [76:14]
B
Well, that's what I was going to say is like, with depression, my depression, I think I have low dopamine because I was like. It was like beat out of me early. And weed is like a spike of dopamine. So I see everything the same. But it's more enjoyable.
- [76:27]
A
Yes.
- [76:28]
B
Yeah.
- [76:28]
A
I feel the same way. And I think that it can stop giving you the. After you keep doing chronically, it starts giving you that effect. But for me, that night you got me, you gave me a spike of dopamine that made me go, this is cool that I'm here.
- [76:42]
B
Yeah.
- [76:42]
A
And this is like fun and let's have a fun night. And yes, my feet hurt a little bit. And yes, I am kind of scared to go to this next party because Taylor's going home and I have to go to it alone. But like, who the fuck cares? And like, I just. It instantly took this edge off that made me have the best night. And I was saying it all night. I was like, I was not gonna be here, but Gabby Wendy had a roach and I took three hits apart and it changed everything.
- [77:06]
B
They're also really good joints.
- [77:08]
A
What are those?
- [77:09]
B
They're. I have to get you some. They're like half CBD almost. So it takes away the anxiety. They're kind of like a one hitter. If you were like a Jason Momoa, like, if you had like the iron lung, you could. Because they're so small. I love the small little ones and they're. I can't. I was in New York, like, looking for a part cbd. I'm like, they don't have it?
- [77:30]
A
No. And every joint you go out and find, it's like, 27 THC. It's way too much, right? And I like to inhale, so I want to take like five hits, but. But half of a hit is enough to get me stoned. So it's like. And then you want to do it
- [77:42]
B
more because it's like, it's the motion too.
- [77:44]
A
Yes.
- [77:45]
B
So.
- [77:45]
A
But yeah, no, that night was like, I really needed. What did. Did you guys stay there and, like, shut that down? Was there dancing? Did you ever dance at any point? Like, what happened?
- [77:54]
B
We left the dance, just Robbie and I. Well, she was just, like, taking me in circles and circles. And like, at one point, we were talking to Bill Maher and.
- [78:01]
A
Stop. I love this so much.
- [78:03]
B
No, because you know, they love her. Cause they're like, love? She's one of us.
- [78:07]
A
Yeah.
- [78:07]
B
You know, like in Sacha Baron Cohen. And they look at me like I have five heads and, like, no brain at all. I'm just like, there. And it's like, that's fine, whatever.
- [78:18]
A
But did you chime in with something so fucking funny and next level that they all were like, oh, she gets it, like. Because that's what I feel like you're disarming in that way that at some point you just chime in and people go. Then there's suddenly this, like, respect from comedians who think they're better than you or something.
- [78:32]
B
And that's just it. And it's like, they're still just, like, looking at me like an object. They're like, damn, Robbie can pull. It's like, well, she can. But also, I have nothing to say to you because you're pervert was like, looking me up and down. He was glad I didn't have a brain. I was like the girl from Poor Things, you know, Emma, who was like, masturbating in a diaper. That's who she had.
- [78:52]
A
Was. That movie made me so uncomfortable.
- [78:56]
B
Same people loved it.
- [78:59]
A
She was a. She had a brain of a child, right? Yes. Isn't that the movie?
- [79:03]
B
Yes.
- [79:03]
A
She has a brain of a child, and then suddenly she's being sexualized, right? What?
- [79:08]
B
No.
- [79:08]
A
Why would people.
- [79:09]
B
Okay, no, people have a problem with euphoria now. And it's like, why didn't you have a problem with poor things? This is way more explicit and in your face and way worse.
- [79:17]
A
And it was literally. She was given. She was transplanted with the brain of. Of a. A baby. Yes.
- [79:23]
B
She was goo goo gaga with full tits.
- [79:24]
A
Goo goo gaga and mating all the time and wanting to get in every hole in every position with, like, Ruffalo.
- [79:30]
B
Are you. You okay? Yeah. And pedophilia. They living out their dreams.
- [79:35]
A
The director so uncomfortable with that movie. Yeah, I felt the same way.
- [79:41]
B
Yeah. Yeah. But in. I mean, whatever. I'll bleep this, but, like, had, like, three girls in the back.
- [79:47]
A
They were one for each name. Obviously, when you. When you bleep it, people will just know that they have 70 names. Yeah, yeah. So three girls, really? Like a. Like a.
- [79:58]
B
Like they were like, early 20s maybe. And like, like in prom dresses.
- [80:02]
A
Where do you even get these girls?
- [80:04]
B
Where do you get them? Yeah.
- [80:06]
A
And you know what?
- [80:08]
B
Fine, Right?
- [80:10]
A
Like, it's whatever. If everyone. If it's all consensual, totally fine.
- [80:15]
B
Yeah, but I'm not talking.
- [80:17]
A
But also those. I'm always confused by these guys who date girls in their 20s, and these guys are in their, like, 50s. When these girls were born, that's when those guys were, like, hot. Like, these girls didn't grow up. Like, even, you know, someone that, like, you know, like, like Leo's girlfriend never went through the stage of being like, Leo is like a heartthrob on team. Literally, like, the way I look at him so I can see him age, and I still see that sexy, eating Gilbert Grape. Eat my Gilbert Gray. That's, like, all mine. Yeah, but like, what? But they don't. Do they go back and watch Romeo and Juliet and go, oh, yeah, that's my man. Are they. I mean, he's still sexy now, so I can understand. But there's some times where I'm like, you weren't alive when he was a sex symbol.
- [80:59]
B
Titanic.
- [81:00]
A
Yeah.
- [81:00]
B
Are you kidding?
- [81:01]
A
They. They have to go back and watch
- [81:03]
B
probably, and, like, understand it's not the same. It's not the same guy. He was never the guy probably, that we projected onto him.
- [81:11]
A
But I'm like, are their parents telling him he's desirable? Because, like, most Gen Z and Gen Alpha I know do not look at him like he is. He's like a old, older, serious actor that plays like, these kind of roles that aren't like. Like, where are they learning that he is desirable? Because he is. But where do. What research are they doing?
- [81:30]
B
I think it's the reputation. It's like kind of like.
- [81:32]
A
Or like, he dated this girl before, right? And I like the young ones. And this validates me that I'm high.
- [81:37]
B
Right?
- [81:38]
A
I mean, I would. And. And I want to go on record and saying, like, he is hot right now. And I get it on record, really. Like, there's nothing about him that I'm like why are these girls like I get the whole thing. There's no judgment there.
- [81:49]
B
I hear $1 million when he breaks up with them.
- [81:54]
A
What a nice guy. Like that's, that is so nice.
- [81:57]
B
He sets him up. But also because Robbie and I were talking about it, it's like maybe that's why nothing has came out on him. Either it's hush money, who cares? Or it's like, yeah, he kind of took care of you at the end. Like a million dollars. I would stay with him for that.
- [82:14]
A
I do way more million dollars to be seen with him out in public and to be canoodling with him. He's so, I love, I mean really, it's so funny that like I have to like stop carrying a torch for him because it's almost like, it's almost he's based on who he's attracted to. He is as unattainable to me as like, you know, like a 19 year old pop star. Like, you know, like I can see their attract like yeah. There's no chance that he'll or like me being attractive to Jonathan Bailey. Like I know he's not into me, he's into men. Like that's how it feels being attracted to Leo.
- [82:51]
B
Yeah.
- [82:51]
A
At some point I lost any kind of ability that he would ever see me in an attractive light.
- [82:57]
B
Well, it happened after you turned 25.
- [82:59]
A
Yeah, but I'm. And I'm younger than him.
- [83:01]
B
Right.
- [83:01]
A
But I respect it. You know, like you are, you're into what you're into. And if you know, outside of being illegal about it, I don't care if guys are attracted to younger girls. Like, but that's my guy is like,
- [83:11]
B
are you guarding these girls? Because John Mayer's had sex with over 300 women. He said his like whatever. It's like, yeah, I'm not going to section but how do you know they're all of age unless you're that they do? I don't.
- [83:23]
A
There's a Taylor Swift lyric that is rumored to be about him. And in it she says we compare driver's licenses. There's like a quip about like we compare driver's licenses and you said something. So I'm thinking it's maybe one of his things that he liked her. He's like, let me see your lice. Like yeah, but there is a cardi process which I is is admirable because
- [83:40]
B
300 every time, even when you're drunk, I, I, there has just by race ratio there has to be one or two.
- [83:48]
A
Yeah, yeah. I could see that. Yes. They're. They're.
- [83:50]
B
Yeah.
- [83:50]
A
I mean.
- [83:50]
B
And probably. I mean, Leo seems to be a little more strict about it, but I can't tell. But we always know who he's with in public.
- [83:57]
A
Yeah. He brings him around.
- [83:58]
B
Yeah.
- [83:59]
A
And then there's. Yeah, of course there's the ones he hooks up with in between. Whatever. Live your best life. You seem happy. You're making great art.
- [84:05]
B
Right? He does.
- [84:06]
A
You don't seem problematic. You don't seem to be, like, leaving these women wounded, not able to work, or we don't hear from them again. They, like, go on to have pretty good careers.
- [84:13]
B
Yeah.
- [84:13]
A
And, like. Yeah, he seems great.
- [84:16]
B
Yeah. Okay. Well, if he's listening.
- [84:18]
A
Final word. Oh, yeah, we have.
- [84:20]
B
This show is sponsored by Better Help. And you know what? I just got done with therapy. I just walked in the door because I have too much time to think these days. I'm off one job. I don't know when the next one's coming, and it's making me worry. It's making me worry about the future. So if you've been feeling overwhelmed, stuck, anxious, or unsure, that's okay. Those feelings are more common than we think. I have them. You have them. We have them. May is mental health awareness month. A good reminder, you do not have to go through those feelings alone. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform. Just take a short questionnaire to identify your needs and Preferences, and BetterHelp will handle the initial therapist matching work for you. You don't have to be on this journey alone. Find support and have someone with you in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off@betterhelp.com. wendy. That's better. H-E-L-P.com Wendy. Okay. Yes. God, wait.
- [85:27]
A
We went so long. I know. You're amazing. No, I seriously, I just want to tell you, like, how much you mean to me and how much you. And I've told you this before, but, like, you really do inspire me to, like, be more authentic and that. And. And. And also you intimidate me because of how intelligent you are. I will listen to sometimes some of your rants that people, like, animate online and they'll have, like, horses running on a beach. And then it's your words just, like, slowly coming up, and I'll be like, oh, my God. Like you've taught me. Like, E schema. Like you've taught me. I've looked up words because that you've used. I think you're just so intelligent and so. Just such a great Role model for young girls, but also like girls that are older than. So thank you. You're so cool. And it's such like a privilege to say that I am your friend.
- [86:13]
B
Which I just said.
- [86:14]
A
Yeah. And that you just have to.
- [86:16]
B
Well, literally. No, you have to come over because you're so awesome. I mean, it's not fair, but it's like I feel the exact same way about you. And that's what was the first note I had when I was researching you is like, you're not just a girl's girl. You believe, like you're the first to compliment women in like a really authentic way. And not everyone has that. And I know know, like we have our insecurities, but that comes from a very secure place.
- [86:38]
A
Oh, thank you.
- [86:39]
B
Yes.
- [86:40]
A
That's so nice. That's. I'm gonna take that because I do like, I. I've learned that when I'm like feel jealousy of women, I just have to, like, I have to let them know because I've realized that people feel jealous of me sometimes. And don't tell me about what they're jealous about.
- [86:53]
B
That's so intimidating.
- [86:55]
A
I would let you know that this.
- [86:56]
B
Yeah.
- [86:57]
A
That you don't need to be jealous of me. Like, here's what a piece of I am. Or like. And so I. I like to let people know. And it just like. And bringing girls in that you're jealous of is way more cool than like making fun of them and keeping that from a distance.
- [87:09]
B
Oh, 100.
- [87:09]
A
And not in a way to use them, but like, I wanna. I wanna absorb some of your intellect. Right. If I'm threatened by it.
- [87:14]
B
Yeah. And like, that's what. It's okay to be jealous, but it's like, you know why?
- [87:18]
A
Yes.
- [87:18]
B
Because it's like you wanna be them.
- [87:20]
A
Exactly.
- [87:21]
B
So shelf it and be their friend.
- [87:23]
A
And you are the amalgamation of the people closest to you. So I will be you if I keep you close enough.
- [87:27]
B
Yeah. Kind of. Where? Get in my Gilbert Craig and watch your special. What's it called?
- [87:34]
A
Good Girl. I love you so much. That is so something I would do. And I am someone who would never ever care if someone didn't know. But it's called Good Girl. It's on Hulu and it's like, you know, just me talking about my life. And if you liked me on this, you will love my special. And I would. And if you like my special, like, you really would be friends with me. And it's like I'm talking to this audience like they're my friends. And, yeah, I'm proud of it, but I'm also, like, terrified that it's coming out. And I'm, like, embarrassed of, like, some of the stuff I said because it's just, like, so personal and, like, it's just so ridiculous. But I hope people enjoy it.
- [88:03]
B
Oh, my God.
- [88:04]
A
Put it on the background when you're cleaning your house or something like that.
- [88:06]
B
No, stop.
- [88:07]
A
Because you might find something you don't like about me. And I don't want anyone to not like me.
- [88:11]
B
You looked amazing. Your makeup is always so good. And you walked out like Taylor.
- [88:15]
A
I did. I did a Taylor. Yeah.
- [88:18]
B
It was so good. Thank you. They would do, like, whatever in the audience. There was multiple, like, men laughing.
- [88:23]
A
Yes.
- [88:24]
B
And I feel like that's when you know you're funny.
- [88:26]
A
That's so.
- [88:26]
B
Oh, my God, that's so nice. Well, that's. That's very misogynistic. No, it's not.
- [88:32]
A
Because men will purposely not laugh at women. Yes. Because they don't want to feel like they're gay or something. Or like. Like, oh, I'm like, I'm. And. Or there's a lot of times where it's like, you're the only. I don't like female comics. But you're funny. Women say that too, but it's like.
- [88:46]
B
It's like, I'm so over not thinking women are funny. I think my girlfriends are the funniest people in the world.
- [88:52]
A
Literally are.
- [88:53]
B
Yes.
- [88:53]
A
They're always my favorite comics is women. Like, it's just.
- [88:56]
B
We just don't have this and we
- [88:57]
A
have the humor so much to say. We've been oppressed for so much longer than men that we are, like, bursting at the seams. So it's more interesting to me.
- [89:04]
B
And so.
- [89:04]
A
I know. But men are on board. Like, I feel like.
- [89:07]
B
I think maybe because it was filmed in St. Louis, so I feel like it's like the Midwest and they just find pussies funny.
- [89:13]
A
Yeah. There is a lot of pussy stuff in it, so check that out.
- [89:16]
B
I love you.
- [89:17]
A
You're great. Thank you so much for having me.
- [89:19]
B
This was amazing.
- [89:20]
A
You are.
- [89:21]
B
Oh, my God.
- [89:23]
C
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B
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