← Long Winded with Gabby Windey
Long Winded with Gabby Windey
who's this diva cup #2
00:44:14
RERUN: Another packed episode full of nothing and everything buckle up.
Loading summary
Transcript22 lines
- [00:00]
Commercial Announcer
ABC Wednesdays in comedian Nate Bergetzi's new game show. To win, you don't need to know the right answer, just what most Americans think is right. It's not about being the smartest. You just have to be the most average. We asked 100 average Americans, do they keep an empty gas can in their car?
- [00:16]
Gabby (Podcast Host)
No.
- [00:17]
Commercial Announcer
Have they ever broken a bone? No. I said a lot of no.
- [00:20]
Gabby (Podcast Host)
That's all right.
- [00:21]
Commercial Announcer
My wife says a lot of no as well. The greatest Average American. Wednesdays, 9, 8 Central on ABC and
- [00:27]
Commercial Voice
stream next day on Hulu at Charmin. We heard you shouldn't talk about going to the bathroom in public, so we decided to sing about it.
- [00:34]
Gabby (Podcast Host)
Light a candle, pour some wine, grab a roll. The soft kind for a little me time. Charmin Ultra Soft Smooth Tear wavy edges for my rear, so let the softness caress your soul. Just relax, you're on a roll. Let her rip. Charmin Ultra Soft Smooth Tear.
- [00:53]
Commercial Voice
Charmin Ultra Soft Smooth Tear has the same softness you love now with wavy edges that tear better than the leading one. Ply brand. Enjoy the go with charming.
- [01:03]
Gabby (Podcast Host)
I may have a different personality today. I may seem different to you, and that's just because I took a puff of an inhaler filled with epinephrine. My heart's beating out of my chest, 120bpm, something like a Barry's Boot Camp. But instead, I'm sitting still, barely breathing because I have bronchitis. Because all of this. All of this. You know what I'm talking about. All of this. Who's this diva? It's making me ill. It's affecting my body. My body is now failing me with all this attention. Just kidding. Just kidding. Because I took four, five, five days of steroids, 40 milligrams of prednisone, which me up. And now I'm withdrawing from. From an assortment of medications which you know that I'm on. Shall I recap? I'm withdrawing from. From prednisone. My last dose was yesterday. I'm withdrawing from Lamictal. I'm withdrawing from gabapentin. And I'm withdrawing from codeine cough syrup. Who knew that could fuck you up so bad? I was given it. I was given it in the urgent care, and I wasn't warned about how it may affect me, about what the repercussions might be. Every four hours, it says on the instructions labeled so you know I didn't miss a dose. I was a nurse, for God's sakes, for eight years. I know how important it is to stick to the schedule as I taper off my own medications. Willy nilly. I was asleep for two days. It's like, what is going on? I've never been this tired in my life. This is the COVID tired that people are talking about. I'm not getting enough. I'm not getting enough oxygen to my brain. I'm hypoxic. It's making me exhausted. There's no perfusion. I'm losing brain cells more than I would otherwise living and breathing the same air as you, all the gem population which. Thank you for coming back time and time again and welcome back to another episode of Long Winded. I appreciate you for now. So. So my body's failing me. And if it's not my body, it's my mind. Because as you know, I've had a harrowing journey with antidepressants. I've done it all. The ssri, the snri, the benzo, the ketamine, the drug of love. That's helped me a little bit, alright? If I don't try and self sabotage and ruin it because I hate myself. So I've landed on the mood stabilizer Lamictal. Try telling that to every vitamin shop you go into. Having to talk to the nurse practitioner via FaceTime. Why are you on Lamictal? I'm massively depressed, lady. The one drug that's ever worked for this mysterious and complicated brain decreases your immune system. It depresses it. You can't fight anything off. You had the flu. Who cares? Another five days of Tamiflu didn't get you anywhere. Coughing up, coughing up, coughing up. Green Clear. Coughing up, coughing up Mucinex, dm, Vicks Vapor shower tab. Robbie's banging on my chest. Harder, harder at the bottom. I gotta cough this up. Well, I had no reserve because my antidepressant is turning against me. It's the body or it's the mind. It's your right to be happy and healthy, they say. No, it's not. You must choose one. You must choose one. And that's what my psychiatrist said. I came to her, we had our check in. How are you doing with your pmdd? Well, the Selexa made me batshit crazy. I'm taking a Pepcid. It seems to be working. Two weeks before my period post ovulation. This is pmdd, people. Look it up on Tik Tok. Everyone says to do a Pepcid, I said, but I'm fighting off this bronchitis. I can't get out of bed for two days. I'm weak I have chest pain, I'm breathless and I'm helpless. I can't even walk to the fridge without being out of breath. I can't get on a zoom call with any sort of exasperation with a topic that needs an exasperate. You're going on vacation. You're going to Cabo to meet your significant other's family for the first time and you'll be spending seven days together. But you only have body cons and a thong bikini. Well, you could buy a whole new wardrobe, but who has money for that? Or you could rent stuff from Nuuly and just send it back when you're done. Nuuly is a subscription clothing rental service that lets you pick six styles and every month. And you know they have some things that are parental appropriate, unlike your closet. But for just $98 a month you can rent for whatever you have going on. Dresses and fancy stuff or just everyday pieces. Nuuly is a great value at $98 a month for any six styles. But right now you can get $28 off your first month when you sign up with the code Gabby. Just go to N uu l y.com and enter the COD. Sign up to get $28 off your first month. That's a lot. That's N u u l y.com code Gabby for $28 off your first month. Newly subscription clothing rental Change your clothes. It's February, the days are still dark
- [07:17]
Commercial Voice
and you don't have a valentine. Plus we're in a snowstorm. But don't get discouraged yet. Even though your expectations are higher in the school year and school work starts to feel more demanding, well,
- [07:29]
Gabby (Podcast Host)
helps kids
- [07:29]
Commercial Voice
stay confident and consistent as the semester picks up speed. IXL is an award winning online learning platform that helps kids truly understand what they're learning, whether they'll they're building math confidence, strengthening reading and writing skills, or reviewing science concepts. Honestly, my favorite IXL is used in 96 of the top 100 school districts in the U.S. whoa. It's an easy way to support learning as the school year moves into its most important stretch. We're almost a summer baby. We gotta hold on. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now and long winded with Gabby Wendy. Listeners can get an exclusive 20 off IXL membership when they sign up today at ixl.com Gabby visit ixl.com Gabby to get the most effective learning program out
- [08:23]
Gabby (Podcast Host)
there at the best price. Was it due to my bronchioles? Or was it due to the Codeine cough syrup? Unsure. That shit you up. And then I was like, am I addicted to opiates? So I had to stop. I had to stop cold turkey. It was making me feel too good. I was sleeping like a baby. So I told my psychiatrist I think the lamictal is really affecting my immune system. I have to work. You guys know what's going on? This, the surge. I didn't even need the leaked nude tape. I just needed Bella Hadid to repost my TikTok. Now I'm catapulted into the stratosphere. Who's this diva? Not like you care. Not like you care you'll ever understand me. You're a sheep. And this is her mentality. And I'm on to you. So I tell my psychiatrist the lamictal. I cannot. I think I don't know what to do. I'm getting sick. I'm sick, I'm sick, I'm sick, and I've never gotten sick before. She's like, are you insane? Are you insane bringing this to me right now? You think there's any other option for you immediately shut down. And she's right. So I had to take things into my own hands and self taper. I cut my lamictal in half for like a week because I. And then I upped my vitamin C to 5250. I'm taking zinc every other day and a vitamin D. And here we are. And here we are. I don't get one inhale of anything. And my favorite route of administration is. An inhale is a puff. I love to puff. It absorbs straight to the dome. I like to smoke a cig. I like to smoke my weed. No, I don't want an edible. I like to inhale a laughing gas. You guys know this. This is how I want to take all my drugs. And I can't because of the bronchitis. So here I am, raw, dogging a party bus on the 30th birthday of a dear friend. And I can't even look at a Virginia Slim because all that's looking back at me are necrotic, wheezing, asthmatic lungs. But I took it upon myself to smoke a quarter. It's barely a cigarette. And sometimes you have to push your body to the limit so you know what it can handle. Come on. Come on. I know I can fight this. Come on. I know you're gonna be okay tomorrow. Come on. You can do this. Push your body. You'll never know if you don't push. So I pushed it I'm okay. I'm okay. I hit the indica four times last night because I'm on a steroid, for God's sakes. I want to make the most of it. It gives you. It gives you a little more. It gives you a little more of a tolerance. You get to enjoy your high more. Most of the time. I can only take two hits before I can't really hold a sentence anymore because I'm really thinking about the special effects in the movie. Death becomes her, which is a great way to enjoy the movie. So I was watching movies on steroids. It was. It was really doing. Was it what it was supposed to do? Until it didn't. It's one of my favorite drugs. And then it stopped working on me. Then it sucked me dry. I was tweaking. I couldn't organize my thoughts. I was trying to make a mood board for my stylist, and I went on some kind of a weird tangent, and now I'm scaring everybody away. That was on the fourth day. And then by the fifth day, my adrenal glands were shot. I had no energy. Ugh. I was exhausted. I had never, ever felt this before. On a steroid, I'm supposed to access some part of my brain that I have never been. That I have never been before. Some kind of a genius is supposed to. Is supposed to awoke, awaken inside me, and instead it's left me depleted. So here I am. This is what all this has brought me, if you're wondering. Oh, and it's not looking good. And it's really not looking good. And then people. And then the boomers are still on my Instagram somehow. And then Kathy's like, ugh, a marble. Oh, smooth. No, but see, I always go back to that. They stop selling menthols. But that was. That was my go to order in high school. You know, I almost burned my deck down at 15 because I love a marvelous smooth. So now it's like. It's literally muscle. But I hope you're not smoking a marble light. Of course I am, Kathy. And by your profile picture, I know that you had a past. A past. A past that showed me you were a different woman. A woman of taste. I can tell by your profile picture, by the lines around your lip. You used to stand on business. You used to mean something. And now you're nothing short of hypocrisy judging me. No, because smoking is a sign of something else. It's a sign of something greater. As you know, it's a community. You're Calling in like minded people. Of course we have to leave this bar and talk collectively on the one person here that we hate. And no, it's not you. No, it's not you. Because this person has no self awareness. I think everybody loves them. Ugh, I gotta choke down his cig and get a head buzz and think some of this out. I gotta lament, I gotta stimulate. It's for people who have a constant lack in their life, who have trauma that lies behind them, that they need a break. They need a break in a five minute head buzz. It's the best buzz you'll ever feel and you need to do it with a friend. It's a mature palette. It's for the people who get it. It's a fuck you to society. It's anarchy. I don't care what you think of me, except I know smoking is inherently cool and sexy and that's what you will think of me if I have anything to do with it. But I don't care. I don't care. I gotta take a. Who's this diva? It's always girly pop, never diva cup. Who's this diva? Because I know, I know, I know. There's some new run. There's some new run. Let me try. There's some new ones coming around. These parts, they don't. This is the first time. This is the first time they're learning about this. Who's this? Oh. Because the whole crowd's doing it. Because now everyone wants to do it. So you can jump on the bandwagon. I know you. I know you. And you're not gonna like anything I have to say. And I'm telling you right now, I'm on to you. You couldn't pussy sneeze if your life depended on it. And if you can, come on in, the water's warm, it's ripe for drowning. Because that's what we're doing around here. It's not a good time around here. I say one wrong thing and you're gonna drop me like a bad habit. You're gonna drop me like a hot fucking potato. There I go. I came and I went. I stopped before I started. If it's not left, it's right, it's not up, it's down. If you're not fucking, you're getting. And that's me. And I'm on to you. And I know. And don't think you can pull one over. Because did you hear. Did you hear what happened to Megyn Kelly? I don't know if you guys are on that side of things. All of a sudd. Sudden, I found myself there. Okay. I was on a Reddit thread. Megyn Kelly had said something so offensive to her audience. We don't know what she stands for. She hates Trump. She loves Trump. She. I don't know. We don't. Who knows what her bill. She's pandering. Whoever wants her, she will respond accordingly. She's going to give them what they want. I'm not the same. I'm not going to give you what you want. I'm going to give you what I want. And I don't want anything, so I'm not going to give you anything. So good luck. So good. L. You want to stick around now, you sick freak masochist. You hate yourself and I hate you. Just kidding. No, I'm seriously kidding. Anyways, so Megan, Megan Kelly tweeted something like. Something like a. Women can make their own money, afford that swanky apartment and nyc. Too far, too far. Nobody can afford that. Boy, girl, woman, man, pregnant, not pregnant. Like you took it too far. And. And you can have it all, basically. You can have a job and kids with a man who loves you. Extremely offensive. Her demo hated that. Dissenters among them. Oh, no, they didn't like that. That's the first time they heard it. And they didn't like it. They took it personally. What do you mean? I'm not a. I'm not a boss, babe, postnatal. I mean, actually, you kind of are. And I don't know what. And you know, that's not what she was saying. But her audience turned on her. Turned on her. And then the journalist who took to talking about this article, You know, whatever the. Denouncing these, These women responses, she didn't make it any better. She went right in, she said, and you all. And I know you all are wearing skinny jeans and drawing your eyebrows on with the Sharpie. Are you talking to me? Excuse me? What did I do to you? How did you have to get so personal? Because I draw on my eyebrows with Sharpie. I'm always looking like the dog with eyebrows. I'm always toeing that line. And that's where I like to be. That as a choice. And we all have a not so distant relative who is still wearing skinny jeans and we love them. And it's okay if it was. It's okay if they want to back off the skinny jeans, but I'm not pandering. Okay? Okay. And now people. And now everyone wants a little of this. They want a piece of this we want some of her business hours. So they're emailing. I got a DM the other day that's like, gabby, we want to work with you. We emailed the link and is this the right email to your manager? And it was like two first names. It was like. It was like bob, Bob. And then the last name, like, is this correct? I'm like, obviously, there's only one first name. They're like, oh, we just wanted to make sure you knew. We don't want anything getting away between you and your back, bitch. Nothing's getting in between. Nothing's getting in the way. And I'd be glad to miss out on some shit. Sometimes it's all getting too much. My lungs are failing me. So they're all there. I'm knocking. They're all knocking. We want some talent. We want some talent. We think Gabby would be perfect for it. In this request for talent comes with a list of prerequisites. Immediately offensive. No, no, you don't put me in a box. I'm not. I don't want to fit into your list. You need to fit into mine. That's not how things go around here. And then the list. And then the list goes in order. Female. What are we done with that word? Offense 1. And why does it have to be. Why does it have to be inherently feminine? Aren't we living in a non binary world? Why can't a man do this? What are you, a misandrist? Has to be a female. Okay, mid-30s. Next. Do you hate yourself? Do you want your job? Do you want any talent to say yes to this? You want someone of average age? You want an average talent? Do you want to get fired and push me away? Next. Positive personality and non polarizing. Get out of my face. You pissed me off. You've gotten underneath my skin, Under this deeply thick epidermis that's at times thin if you hit me where it hurts. Positive personality. Do you know anything about me? Have you ever been around these parts before? You saw one clip and you think you know it all. Ah. Oh, we. Oh, we just get her sense of humor. What's so funny? Who's laughing? There's nothing funny around here. It's the truth.
- [21:41]
Commercial Announcer
Well, the holidays have come and gone once again. But if you've forgotten to get that special someone in your life a gift. Well, Mint Mobile is extending their holiday offer of half off unlimited wireless. So here's the idea. You get it now, you call it an early present for next year. What do you have to lose? Give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch limited time,
- [22:01]
Commercial Voice
50% off regular price for new customers. Upfront payment required $45 for 3 months, $90 for 6 months or $180 for 12 month plan taxes and fees. Extra speeds may slow after 50gb per month when network is busy.
- [22:10]
See Terms A better help ad. February is full of flowers and lots of relationship talk. But whether you're single, married or dating, just remember you're right on time. Sometimes it feels like everyone has it all together in their love lives. But the truth is, we're all still figuring it out. Therapy can help get some outside perspective from a professional that can lead to new understanding and a lot less pressure on yourself. And remember, you're right on time. Visit betterhelp.com for 10% off.
- [22:44]
Gabby (Podcast Host)
Positive personality. No, I'm a cynic and I hate everything. And I hate everyone. You want me to show up and grin through a clenched jaw? I will. For the right people. I will. For the right people. Okay, let's be honest. Let's be honest. Let's be honest. You get to pick and choose. And that's my prerogative. And non polarizing. The most offensive of them all. Of course I want to be polarizing. Are you crazy? I don't want to appeal to the masses. That's too much pressure. They're not going to like it here because the. Because the Megyn Kelly dissenters are on the other side of this, waiting, waiting to turn on me. And that's not what I want. That's not what you want. You want someone who's gonna fit in with everybody. Oh, not around here you don't. Not around here you don't. Because if too many people come around here, if too many people start listening, by the way, this is me. This is me with 10,000 views on YouTube. This is me. This is the most relevancy and I can't take it. And it's too much. It's about 2,000 too much. Because then I'm going to get an influx of hey girl, Love the POD messages. Love the POD butt. Because I'm going to get an influx of Love the POD but messages. Love the pod, but Phoebe Bridgers is a lesbian. She's just been secretly, not so secretly dating a man for five years. But she's a lesbian. Love the pod but Sabrina was in love with Barry Keegan and Ratman is body shaming men. Love the POD but insert weird language about bisexuals that nobody cares about. Love the POD but. And then I'm gonna have to show up at an award show, which I'll inevitably be at. And then I'm gonna have to look face to face to one of these people that I've freely talked shit on in the past because I'm safe here with my 8,000 views on YouTube. And then, and then everyone's gonna come running and then I'm gonna have to look them straight in the face and say, don't worry, this is satir nothing but a joke. And I'll lie and I'll lie because I have no other choice. When I get caught, I'm not afraid to be caught in a lie. Because then I'll lie about the lie. Hello. And that's what's gonna happen. And so everyone's coming and knocking, non polarizing. And you want to know. You want to know who came running? Meta. Meta. Gabby Wendy by Meta Spawn Con Are you okay? Do you know anything about what's going on here? I've been been sounding the alarm on the AI abortion rumba robot, which I'm sure Meta will invent and punch your uterus into Timbuktu. This is how abortions will be done in the future. I've been screaming about it and now they want me to do spong con about AI AI who's now having meetings with 11 year olds on Sunday nights via Zoom. What is this? M from James Bond? What is this hologram? What are you teaching these 11 year olds? You're. I don't think so. I don't think so. Because you know what? You're just stealing all their young cookies. And I don't mean that in a sexual way, you dirty perverts. What do you have to learn from an 11 year old little boy? Nothing. Nothing. This is not going to serve you if AI was smart, which you claim to be, because you know what? Maybe I would do an ad for Meta. They got their together and put a pause button on the reels. Why is there no pause button on the reels? Like make a good product and then come and knock it. So. So what are you supposed to do? Who's this Diva cup? And now with my Rise to fame listenership around 12 000, which thank you everyone actually has been really nice. My dms, they're like we've been known even. No matter. And I will repost every headline no matter how dumb it is, because I do need the attention because I didn't get any as a child. You guys know this. Hello, I'm on a loop. I'm chasing the dragon. But everyone's like, we've been known. I'm like, I know you're the real ones out there, and thank you. And thank you for that. But now I can't go anywhere without security detail. This is what my life has become. My security guards are from Craigslist, Facebook Marketplace, the neighborhood app. And they just got done mounting the TV in my bedroom. I send them to the pack. I send them to the back to get a couple of Robbie's Uniqlo suits. Put them on. I don't care if they're small. Oh. Oh. They're a little tight up your crotch. Well, I see your bulge, and it's. And it's smaller than Robbie's Packer. Don't complain. There's nothing to complain about. Put it on and get out here. We got to go to Larchmont, to the newsstand. Tell your mom you're gonna be late. You gotta move out anyway. What are you doing there in your 30s? And I know you're living there. Under one condition and one condition only. That you remain sober and looking you in the face right now. I know those are DT sweats. Go crack a cold one. Come on, we gotta go. Yes. I'll put my pinky finger up your ass, and I will not tell anyone. Let's go. I need to be in the back. You're in the front. I don't care if it's a 2004 Ford Expedition. I gotta go to the newsstand. And I cannot be caught. I cannot be caught buying every copy of the Sunday New York Times my article, because it needs to, because they can't see me doing that, because they have to fly off the shelves themselves. But instead, I have to fake my own fame. Okay, this is still where I'm at. Bella Hadid, what have you done for me recently? Nothing. Come on, let's go. Security. Nobody can catch me like this. And then we're going to CVS, and I need you at 12, 3, 6, and 9 so I can peruse what's new in the allergy aisle freely. I need the freedom of my privacy to see what's locked in the cage and what's not. Allegra, D, you say? What kind of pack do I want, the 12 blister or the 24? Am I looking to save some money, or am I looking to get fucked up on antihistamines? Because, you know, retail therapy. Oh, it's a platitude. Oh, it's a trite old saying. Oh, it's for women. Well, you've never waited for A plan B? After your poor excuse for a boyfriend came inside you but didn't want to tell you because he was afraid to admit that your pussy was good. Like you don't have tabs on how many ccs your vaginal holds up secretions at any point in time, in any circumstance. Like you don't know his Vans deferens can only spit out a mere 5mls of semen because he's jacking off in the bathroom to anime porn because he has an addiction, so that's all he can afford is the measly 5mls of semen that's gonna get. And it's gonna get no one anywhere. But in case there's one viable sperm that embeds itself in your uter, you have to wait in line for the plan B. Well, please, I need something to abate me from this burden of life. And that will be the salon grade hair care aisle, maybe a scrunchie the said allergy section. And then I'll end with my favorite multi gummy. This is retail therapy. And then I need the Uniqlo security detail for the bar, naturally. For Jimmy at the bar, drunk on his eighth skinny margarita in the last two hours. Someone get this man a light beer. What's he doing on a skinny margarita? What are you, a homosexual? And he just found out who I was from a gay man's Instagram story. And now he's wondering. Now. Now he's dying to know. Why do people love me? Well, Jimmy, your ears and your eyes are not lending you any information into your brain. I cannot engage with stupid. I cannot engage with your failed senses that have no connection to your neurons because you're not gathering any information. All of a sudden, they think I'm a Mikey Madison in a small indie film Anora. Oh, she came out of nowhere. She has a resume of an acting history. She just stays off social media to stay away from people like you. And you need to stay away from me. We don't give a fuck about you. Go back to Michaela. Bother her. The. The one you met in the bathroom lobby. Why don't you Kiki away from me? Security detail. Excuse me. Escort Jimmy to table 12 full of the Australians. A table that deserves to be harassed because. Because the people around here know. They know, and they. They just get it. I don't have to explain myself to them. They're not asking me any questions. They're not asking me to deliver a monologue on cue. Why do people love you? No, they just know. And it's okay. To be me. But here they come running around, and that's me and my security. And they're like, who's this Diva Cup? Which I am something of a sort. Plastic on the outside, a filler substance in my lips, and metallic on the inside. Inside filled with steroids, bleach, anti. Antifreeze. Because my veins are ice cold from living in the presence of a person like Jimmy. And. And I do want to be a Diva cup advocate, abider wearer, user. Because I like to be in on it. Because. Because I like to be a part of an exclusive group. I like to speak from a place of knowledge. And I'm better than you. And you have to get on this train if you want your life to improve in any way. So I tried it. And it was not my experience, much to my chagrin. Dismay. No, no. But I wanted to try. I wanted to do my due diligence. I wanted to be a part of the community. Because I wanted to make it easier on myself. I was born with this cavernous organ that sheds its lighting every month. And I'm trying to keep the blood from getting on my thong underwear, from getting on my new Aritzia pants, from getting on the seat of my staff meeting at 10am when I have to listen to Daryl put together his useless PowerPoint about things that are not going to change at all. Because he took those ideas from you and now he's claiming they're his own. When one time you did snoop through his staff locker and found a pair of dirty underwear. So I'm. So I'm trying to keep this blood inside despite all of my efforts. It leaks out because I'm trying. Because you gotta fold it like a hot dog, then you gotta fold it like a hamburger. Actually, no, let me fold it like a quesadilla, because somehow it's gotta be in a quarter. Then you gotta take your left hands. You got to take your left two digits, your first two digits, and pry open your lips while your right index finger penetrates the. The rest of the four. Fold over the Diva cup like a rose and you have to assault your mucous membranes, labia, all in vain. Double entendre. A vein holds the blood. There's blood everywhere. And you're under duress and 10 minutes late for work because you've been fingering yourself with all ten fingers in a suction vacuum cup that's holding your uterine lining. It said to vacuum in just the right way, to hug every single ridge of your uniquely shaped vagina. Don't worry, it'll never spill. It spills. It gets everywhere. All what it said it wasn't supposed to do. In the name of what? In the name of what? Sustainability? I don't think so. Take a look at our landfills. Take a look at AI. Take a look at the Roomba abortion back. Take a look at the rumba robot. Take a look at the abortion rumba robot. Jesus Christ. I got it out. Just take a look. And then a dear friend, a part of the Diva cup community, a proud member because they're always going to tell you, I will not say her name. In case she doesn't want the masses to know what she's doing with their sanitary products, she says to me, oh, and you can cut the end off. Oh, you can cut the stem so you don't have a constant reminder of the silicone funnel you have shoved up your pussy to catch some blood on a good day. So you can cut it off so it's not poking you in the vulva. So I did. So I did. And then you go to take it out. Now what? Now what? No amount of force of pull from any part of your body or hand can dislodge the negative pressure this vacuum funnel has created in your vagina. Nothing can pull it out. No, it has this centrifugal force. It is pulling GS akin to this spaceship carnival ride that you cannot get enough of. And you can't lift your head from the back. And you won't get off. You won't get off because you need to feel something because your parents never loved you. This is what's going inside of the ridges of my vagina. It's not coming out. It's not coming out. The negative pressure is too strong. Come on. I have. I have no other choice but to call the ambulance. So once I figure out the number to 91 1, I get on the phone. I get on the phone with the paramedic. Ugh. A man. A man. No, no, it's. It's. It's called a Diva Cup. No, I'm not talking about a Bratz doll. No, I didn't shove a Barbie up my. I don't even know where to find one. I sound deranged, but I'm not. No, it's not that hole. No, it's not my butthole. There's three holes. It's in the middle, and I can't get it out. And I need a ride to the hospital because it's clouding the minds like you would never believe. I can't think I can't think. Who knows? Have you ever had TSS of the silicone? It could be worse than a mere tampon made of cotton. So when I get there, when I get to the hospital, I'm gonna need your most delicate forceps. I'm a lesbian. I'm going to need them warmed. And I'd like my doctor to be Jewish because they invented medicine. This is what Robbie says. This is what I need. But luckily, by the grace of God, before the ambulance comes, I'm able to get the cup out. I'm able to get my fingers second knuckle deep in order to squeeze it around and pull it out. And it's sucking, sucking, sucking, preventing the exit on its way out. This isn't going to be easy, but they say you just do it over a toilet. So I'm squatted. I'm in the squatting position over the toilet. Everything's gonna be fine. I'm going to be free. Goes the diva cup. Splashes everywhere. It splashes everywhere. You're not getting it in the toilet. You're getting it on the toilet bowl, a little in the toilet, some on your white bathroom floor, a little bit in the caulk from the bathtub to your bathroom floor. And it doesn't come out easy. It doesn't come out easy. The pure amount of iron in the blood is enough to stain for weeks. Now you need a barkeep, bar keeper's friend, to scrub and scrub and scrub because you were born this way. Because you have to bleed once a month, and then it's not okay. So then the cup is in my hand. Then what do I do? What do I do with this diva? Now you got to find out some way to clean it, okay? But there's blood everywhere.
- [42:07]
Commercial Voice
There's.
- [42:07]
Gabby (Podcast Host)
You don't have any pants on because you had to take them off while you're digging in your pussy. Your shirt's kind of long, so you have to fold it up with the backhand of your left hand because the front is also covered in blood. The diva cup's in your right. Oh, where do I go now? Oh, yeah, you have to clean it. And no, a rinse won't do. You have to put it in a pot of boiling water. So I have to walk. I have to walk to the kitchen. Now I'm getting period blood on another surface that it should never be on the kitchen sink. I'll give it a rinse, wash off my hands, and get a pot in the utensil drawer or the pot drawer or whatever. The cooking ware drawer, fill it with water and get it to boil. This is the same pot that I cook spicy riggy in once a week for guests. And now it has a history. And now you have to look your friends in the face knowing where that noodle came from and what it is coated with. Pussy blood. Enjoy. Enjoy. It's a red sauce. So now it's the 1800s. So now we have to boil our own sanitary products because there's no better way to clean them. And we can't dispose of them because we're so worried about the environment. Mind you, your husband is mining for crypto but all of the weight falls on us because we're women. So we're back in the 1800s. And you have to ask your maid Meredith to bring in your period chalice once a month. No, you cannot leave your quarters the kitchen except to bring me my pussy chalice. And that's the Diva cup. And that's the always girly pop never diva cup.
- [44:23]
Commercial Announcer
Well, the holidays have come and gone once again. But if you've forgotten to get that special someone in your life a gift. Well, Mint Mobile is extending their holiday offer of half off unlimited wireless. So here's the idea. You get it now, you call it an early present for next year. What do you have to lose? Give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch limited time
- [44:43]
Commercial Voice
50 off regular price for new customers. Upfront payment required 45 for 3 months, $90 for 6 month or 180 for 12 month plan taxes and fees. Extra speeds may slow after 50 gigabytes per month when network is busy see terms.
- [44:57]
Gabby (Podcast Host)
Oh, and I really didn't want to get into this, but I have to. But I have no other choice. This is going to be controversial. This is where. This is where of the Bella Hadid tick tockers. They come from her orabella. They think they're gonna love me because she liked one clip. This is where I lose you. It ends with us. I'm dying to get into the. I'm dying to get into the Blake Lively at all. But next time. This isn't it. This is even worse. The furs. The furs. I haven't been DM'd by PETA only once, I'll tell you that. And I learned quickly and I moved swiftly. I got a protection order and I blocked their ass. You can't get to me. No, because it's vintage. No, because obviously it's vintage. Not because I. Not because I'm on any kind of a moral standing. Not because I Take a moral high ground. Because it's cool. Because we're shopping vintage. Because it sounds better if I can say my fur is from the 70s. You act like this animal pelt was gonna live 50 years. Yeah, right now it gets another life on my arms. Because maybe I can only dream of the woman or the man who wore it before me. Hopefully they were depressed. Hopefully they found some joy in this, just like I am now. Hopefully they took it outside with them for the only five minutes they could leave the house to get a quick head buzz and feel chic smoking a cigarette in a fur coat. Maybe they got a glimpse of something to live for. Hopefully. Because this and that is the fur coat. Because PETA fucked themselves with the chimp. Crazy Tanya Haddock's Tonka of it all. No, they really did it this. And there's no going back. They weren't compassionate. No. They were smug as fuck. They had a terrible leader of representation. He cannot be your figurehead. No, no. He had not once one ounce of compassion for Tanya, our beloved monkey mother, wearer of wig of sorts. Wigs. She had multiple. No, because he didn't give a about her. And she. And she got the monkeys from someone who got the monkeys from someone who got the monkeys. So why don't you go. Why don't you go after the ringleader of this operation? Why are you going? For our mayor, Tanya. She loved Tonka. You could have sat down with her. You could have explained. It wouldn't have helped, but you could have tried. And then why can't she come to the sanctuary every once in a while and bring Tonka a hamburger? A red Gatorade? You think he doesn't miss her? If he's so close to the Caveman, to the Theo von, to the troglodyte? Oh, he misses Tanya, all right. Oh, he has emotions. And he remembers her. They played footsie under the cage. Have a heart. Have a soul. Invite her in for a visit, make her feel a little bit better. But instead, and said, PETA, you ripped that monkey from her grasp. And she went to the depths. She hit him in the basement. She did everything. I'm not condoning her behavior, okay? But I'm saying we could have met the whole situation with a little more compassion. And this has. This is how PETA has gone wrong. We're not this. We're in the fur vintage coat. We just star. And you know what? I think that's it. I think that's it. Thank you again. Tell all your friends or don't. I don't care. But please tell them only, only if they're your good, only if you like them, and only if they're going to like me. Until next time, on another episode of Long Wind. Hello, this is Gabby, and obviously I just want to thank you for tuning into Long Winded each week. Actually, seriously, you're doing the Lord's work. And if you're sick of ads, you can hear new episodes ad free. You just subscribe to SiriusXM podcast plus on Apple podcast or visit siriusxm.com podcast plus to listen with Spotify or another app of your choice. Okay, thank you for your service.