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The following podcast is a Dear Media production. I may have a different personality today. I may seem different to you, and that's just because I took a puff of an inhaler filled with epinephrine. My heart's beating out of my chest. 1:20 bpm, something like a Barry's Boot camp. But instead I'm sitting still, barely breathing because I have bronchitis. Because all of this. All of this. You know what I'm talking about. All of this. Who's this diva? It's making me ill. It's affecting my body. My body is now failing me with all this attention. Just kidding. Just kidding. Because I took five days of steroids, 40 milligrams of prednisone, which fucked me up, and now I'm withdrawing from. From an assortment of medications which you know that I'm on. Shall I recap? I'm withdrawing from. From prednisone. My last dose was yesterday. I'm withdrawing from lamictal, I'm withdrawing from gabapentin, and I'm withdrawing from codeine cough syrup. Who knew that could fuck you up so bad? I was given it. I was given it in the urgent care and I wasn't warned about how it may affect me, about what the repercussions might be. Every four hours, it says on the instructions. So you know I didn't miss a dose. I was a nurse, for God's sakes, for eight years. I know how important it is to stick to the schedule as I taper off my own medications willy nilly. I was asleep for two days. Like, what is going on? I've never been this tired in my life. This is the COVID tired that people are talking about. I'm not getting enough. I'm not getting enough oxygen to my brain. I'm hypoxic. It's making me exhausted. There's no perfusion. I'm losing brain cells more than I would otherwise living and breathing the same air as you, all the gem population, which. Thank you for coming back. Diamond time again. And welcome back to another episode of Long Winded. I appreciate you for now. So. So my body's failing me. And if it's not my body, it's my mind. Because as you know, I've had a harrowing journey with antidepressants. I've done it all. The ssri, the snri, the benzo, the ketamine, the drug of love. That's helped me a little bit. All right? If I don't try and self sabotage and ruin it because I Hate myself. So I've landed on the mood stabilizer Lamictal. Try telling that to every vitamin shop you go into. Having to talk to the nurse practitioner via FaceTime. Why are you on Lamictal? I'm massively depressed, lady. The one drug that's ever worked for this mysterious and complicated brain decreases your immune system. It depresses it. You can't fight anything off. You had the flu. Who cares? Another five days of Tamiflu didn't get you anywhere. Coughing up, coughing up, coughing up. Green Clear. Coughing up, coughing up Mucinex dm, Vicks vapor shower tab. Robbie's banging on my chest. Harder. Harder at the bottom. I gotta cough this up. Well, I had no reserve because my antidepressant is turning against me. It's the body or it's the mind. It's your right to be happy and healthy, they say. No, it's not. You must choose one. You must choose one. And that's what my psychiatrist said. I came to her. We had our check in. How you doing with your pmdd? Well, the Celexa made me batshit crazy. I'm taking a pep. Said it seems to be working. Two weeks before my period post ovulation. This is pmdd, people. Look it up on Tick Tock. Everyone says to do a pep. Said, I said. But I'm fighting off this bronchitis. I can't get out of bed for two days. I'm weak. I have chest pain. I'm breathless and I'm helpless. I can't even walk to the fridge without being out of breath. I can't get on a zoom call with any sort of exasperation with a topic that needs an exasperata. Was it due to my bronchioles or was it due to the codeine cough syrup? Unsure. That shit fucks you up. And then I was like, am I addicted to opiates? So I had to stop. I had to stop cold turkey. It was making me feel too good. I was sleeping like a baby. So I told my psychiatrist, I think the Lamictal is really affecting my immune system. I have to work. You guys know what's going on? This. This surge. I didn't even need the leaked nude tape. I just needed Bella Hadid to repost my TikTok. Now I'm catapulted into the stratosphere. Who's this diva? Not like you care. Not like you care you'll ever understand me. You're a sheep. And this is her mentality. And I'm on to you. So I tell my psychiatrist the lamictal. I cannot. I think. I don't know what to do. I'm getting sick. I'm sick. I'm sick. I'm s. And I've never gotten sick before. She's like, are you insane? Are you insane bringing this to me right now? You think there's any other option for you immediately shut down. And she's right. So I had to take things into my own hands and self taper. I cut my lamictal in half for like a week because I. And then I upped my vitamin C to 5002,50. I'm taking zinc every other day and a vitamin D. And here we are. In here we are. I don't get one inhale of anything. And my favorite route of administration is an inhale is a puff. I love to puff. It absorbs straight to the dome. I like to smoke a cig. I like to smoke my weed. No, I don't want an edible. I like to inhale a laughing gas. You guys know this. This is how I want to take all my drugs. And I can't because of the bronchitis. So here I am raw, dogging a party bus on the 30th birthday of a dear friend, and I can't even look at a Virginia Slim because all that's looking back at me are necrotic, wheezing, asthmatic lungs. But I took it upon myself to smoke a quarter. It's barely a cigarette. And sometimes you have to push your body to the limit so you know what it can handle. Come on. Come on. I know I can fight this. Come on. I know you're going to be okay tomorrow. Come on. You can do this. Push your body. You'll never know if you don't push. So I pushed it. I'm okay. I'm okay. I hit the indica four times last night because I'm on a steroid, for God's sakes. I want to make the most of it. It gives you a little more of a tolerance. You get to enjoy your high more. Most of the time. I can only take two hits before I can't really hold a sentence anymore because I'm really thinking about the special effects in the movie. Death becomes her, which is a great way to enjoy the movie. So I was watching movies on steroids. It was. It was really doing. Was it what it was supposed to do? Until it didn't. It's one of my favorite drugs. And then it stopped working on me. Then it sucked me dry. I was tweaking I couldn't organize my thoughts. Trying to make a mood board for my stylist. And I went on some kind of a weird tangent and I'm scaring everybody away. That was on the fourth day. And then by the fifth day, my green. My adrenal glands were shot. I had no energy. Ugh. I was exhausted. I had never, ever felt this before. On a steroid, I'm supposed to access some part of my brain that I have never been. That I have never been before. Some kind of a genius is supposed. Supposed to. Is supposed to awoke, awaken inside me. And instead it's left me depleted. So here I am. This is what all this has brought me. If you're wondering. Oh, and it's not looking good. You know what sound that is? That's my clitoris being rubbed raw by a vibrator. My favorite time of day and my favorite time to manifest. And you guys know what time it is? I'm giving away a ton of vibrators from Belessa because why? Because they're amazing. If you don't know Belessa, they're a by women for everyone Company Redefining Sexual Wellness. Their whole mission, empowering you to embrace, explore, and celebrate your pleasure and have an orgasm for once in your life. Now, the girlies at Bellissa sent me a ton of new toys. Thank you. Including their new game changing silent collection. And my mind is blown. Remember the from five seconds ago? Well, now it's a Can you imagine it's giving fleabag. When she goes on a wellness retreat with her sister and we all want to be fleabag, she brings her vibrator. Turn up your volume and listen closely. Did you hear that? No. Exactly. Because Blessed just launched their first ever silent vibrators. I'm serious. Silent vibrators. The brains at Belessa created what they call whisper tech. And somehow, don't ask me how they made a full power, all the right spots hitting, no noise making lineup of toys. It's actually unreal. The Whisper Bullet might be silent, but it has five whole speeds. Then there's the Whisper Rabbit and Whisper Vibe, both of which have six vibration speeds. Okay, don't walk, run, people. And obviously I had to hook you up. So I'm doing a giveaway with Belessa where literally everyone wins a free vibrator. Yep, you either win a fully free Whisper Vibe or a free rose toy. With any whisper order, just click the link in the episode description or go to bbvibes.com. gabby that's B B V-I-B-E-S.com/G, A, B, B, Y. The whisper vibrators stay silent. But the big question is, can you? All right, listen up. I have something to say. What's new? We need to talk about something very important. Your man, your disgusting man and his nicotine choices. Because we cannot keep having those cheap, ugly nicotine cans cluttering up the kitchen counter, in the coffee table and nightstand in the entryway table and your dresser, for God's sakes. It's time for an upgrade. And you know, you know I love a head buzz. You know, I love a cig every now and again or forever. But at some point it's like, you don't want to smell like smoke, you don't want it on your breath, blah, blah, blah. So I'm like, should I transition to nicotine pouches? I've heard some very high profile people you may know dabble in the nicotine pouc. So it could be me. Lucy is the if you know, you know nicotine brand. These aren't your standard gas station pouches. Lucy is 100 pure nicotine and always tobacco free. They taste better and feel smoother for just an overall better experience. It's for the elite. It's for the mature palette. What are we doing? There's no other thought. The breakers have a tiny capsule inside, much akin to a Camel Crush. Hello. Remember those? You just pop it for an instant burst of flavor. It is for the girlies and the guys who appreciate quality ready to upgrade their nicotine routine. You can go to Lucy Co Gabby and use promo code gabby to get 20 off your first order. Lucy has a 30 day refund policy. If you change your mind again, that's Lucy Co and use code Gabby to get 20 off. And here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. Warning. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. And then the boomers are still on my Instagram somehow. And then Kathy's like, ugh, a marble smooth. No, but see, I always go back to that. They stop selling menthols. But that was. That was my go to order in high school. You know, I almost burned my deck down at 15 because I love Marvelous Mood. So now it's like, it's literally muscle. But I hope you're not smoking a marble light. Of course I am, Kathy. And by your profile picture, I know that you had a past. A past. A past that showed me you were a different woman. A woman of taste. I can Tell by your profile picture, by the lines around your lip. You used to stand on business. You used to mean something. And now you're nothing short of hypocrisy judging me. No, because smoking is a sign of something else. It's a sign of something greater. As you know, it's a community. You're calling in like minded people. Of course we have to leave this bar and talk shit collectively on the one person here that we hate. And no, it's not you. No, it's not you. Because this person has no self awareness. They think everybody loves them. Ugh, I gotta choke down his Sig and get a head buzz and think. Some of this out. I gotta lament, I gotta stimulate. It's for people who have a constant lack in their life, who have trauma that lies behind them, that they need a break. They need a break in a five minute head buzz. It's the best buzz you'll ever feel. And you need to do it with a friend. It's a mature palette. It's for the people who get it. It's a fuck you to society. It's anarchy. I don't care what you think of me, except I know smoking is inherently cool and sexy and that's what you will think of me if I have anything to do with it. But I don't care. I don't care. I gotta take a break. Who's this diva? It's always girly pop, never diva cup. Who's this diva? Because I know, I know, I know. There's some new run, there's some new. Let me try. There's some new ones coming around. These parts, they don't. This is the first time. This is the first time they're learning about this. Who's this? Oh, because the whole crowd's doing it. Oh, because now everyone wants to do it. So you can jump on the bandwagon. I know you. I know you. And you're not gonna like anything I have to say. And I'm telling you right now, I'm on to you. You couldn't pussy sneeze if your life depended on it. And if you can, come on in, the water's warm, it's ripe for drowning. Because that's what we're doing around. It's not a good time around here. I say one wrong thing and you're gonna drop me like a bad habit. You're gonna drop me like a hot potato. There I go. I came and I went. I stopped before I started. It's not left, it's right up it's down. If you're not, you're getting fucked, and that's me. And I'm on to you. And I know. I don't think you can pull one over. Did you hear what happened to Megyn Kelly? I don't know if you guys are on that side of things. All of a sudden, I found myself there, okay? Megyn Kelly had said something so offensive to her audience. We don't know what she stands for. She hates Trump. She loves Trump. She. I don't know. We don't. Who knows what her bill. She's pandering. Whoever wants her, she will respond accordingly. She's gonna give them what they want. I'm not the same. I'm not gonna give you what you want. I'm gonna give you what I want. And I don't want anything, so I'm not gonna give you anything. So good luck. So good luck. You want to stick around now, you sick freak masochist. You hate yourself and I hate you. Just kidding. No, I'm seriously getting. Anyways, Megyn Kelly tweeted something like. Something like, women can make their own money, afford that swanky apartment and nyc. Too far. Too far. Nobody can afford that. Boy, girl, woman, man, pregnant, not pregnant. Like, you took it too far. And you can have it all, basically. You can have a job and kids with a man who loves you. Extremely offensive. Her demo hated that. Dissenters among them. Oh, no, they didn't like that. That's the first time they heard it. And they didn't like it. They took it personally. What do you mean? I'm not a. I'm not a boss, babe, postnatal. I mean, actually, you kind of are. And I don't know what. And I. And you know, that's not what she was saying. But her audience turned on her. It turned on her. And then the journalist who took to talking about this article, you know, whatever, denouncing these. These women responses, she didn't make it any better. She went right in. She said, and you all. And I know you all are wearing skinny jeans and drawing your eyebrows on with the Sharpie. Are you talking to me? Excuse me? What did I do to you? How did you have to get so personal? Because I draw on my eyebrows with Sharpie. I'm always looking like the dog with eyebrows. I'm always toeing that line. And that's where I like to be, that as a choice. And we all have a not so distant relative who is still wearing skinny jeans. And we love them and it's okay. It's okay if they want to back off the skinny jeans, but I'm not pandering. Okay. Okay. And now, people. And now everyone wants a little of this. They want a piece of this. We want some of her business hours. So they're emailing. I got a DM the other day that's like, gabby, we want to work with you. We emailed the link and. And is this the right email to your manager? And it was like two first names. It was like. It was like bob, Bob. And then the last name, they're like, is this correct? I'm like, obviously there's only one first name. They're like, oh, we just wanted to make sure you knew we don't want anything getting away between you and your back, bitch. Nothing's getting in between. Nothing's getting in the way. And I'd be glad to miss out on some shit sometimes. It's all getting. My lungs are failing me. So they're all. They're all knocking. They're all knocking. We want some talent. We want some talent. We think Gabby would be perfect for it. In this request for talent comes with a list of prerequisites. Immediately offensive. No, no, you don't put me in a box. I'm not. I don't want to fit into your list. You need to fit into mine. That's not how things go around here. And then the list. And then the list goes in order. Female. What? Aren't we done with that word? Offense 1. And why does it have to be. Why does it have to be inherently feminine? Aren't we living in a non binary word? Why can't a man do this? What are you, a misandrist? Has to be a female. Okay, mid-30s. Next. Do you hate yourself? Do you want your job? Do you want any talent to say yes to this? You want someone of average age? You want an average talent? Do you want to get fired and push me away? Next. Positive personality and non polarizing. Get out of my face. You've pissed me off. You've gotten underneath my skin, under this deeply thick epidermis. That's at times. Then if you hit me where it hurts. Positive personality. Do you know anything about me? Have you ever been around these parts before? You saw one clip and you think you know it all. Ah. Oh, we. Oh, we just get her sense of humor. What's so funny? Who's laughing? There's nothing funny around here. It's the truth. Positive personality. No, I'm a cynic and I hate everything and I hate everyone. You want Me to show up and grin through a clenched jaw. I will. For the right people. I will. For the right people. Okay, let's be honest. Let's be honest. Let's be honest. You get to pick and choose, and that's my prerogative. And non polarizing. The most offensive of them all. Of course I want to be polarizing. Are you crazy? I don't want to appeal to the masses. That's too much pressure. They're not going to like it here because the. Because the Megyn Kelly dissenters are on the other side of this, waiting, waiting to turn on me. And that's not what I want. That's not what you want. You want someone who's gonna fit in with everybody. Oh, not around here you don't. Not around here you don't. Because if too many people come around you, if too many people start listening, by the way, this is me. This is me with 10,000 views on YouTube. This is me. This is the most relevancy and I can't take it. And it's too much. It's about 2,000 too much. Because then I'm going to get an influx of hey, girl, love the pod messages. Love the pod, but. Because I'm going to get an influx of love the pod but messages love the pod, but Phoebe Bridgers is a lesbian. She's just been secretly, not so secretly dating a man for five years. But she's a lazy lesbian. Love the pod, but Sabrina was in love with Barry Keegan and Ratman is body shaming men. Love the pod, but insert weird language about bisexuals that nobody cares about. Love the pod but. And then I'm gonna have to show up at an award show, which I'll inevitably, inevitably be at. And then I'm gonna have to look face to face to one of these people that I've freely talked on in the past because I'm safe here with my 8, 000 views on YouTube. And then, and then everyone's gonna come running. And then I'm gonna have to look them straight in the face and say, don't worry, this is satir. It's nothing but a joke. And I'll lie and I'll lie because I have no other choice. When I get caught, I'm not afraid to be caught in a lie because then I'll lie about the lie. Hello? And that's what's going to happen. And so everyone's coming to knock and non polarizing. And you want to know, you want to know who came running. Meta. Meta. Gabby Wendy by Meta Spawn Con. Are you okay? Do you know anything about what's going on here? I've been. I've been sounding the alarm on the AI abortion rumba robot, which I'm sure Meta will invent and punch your uterus into Timbuktu. This is how abortions will be done in the future. I've been screaming about it and now they want me to do spawn con about AI AI who's now having meetings with 11 year olds on Sunday nights via Zoom. What is this? M from James Bond? What is this hologram? What are you teaching these 11 year olds? You're. I don't think so. I don't think so. Because you know what? You're just stealing all their young cookies. I don't mean that in a sexual way, you dirty perverts. What do you have to learn from an 11 year old little boy? Nothing. Nothing. This is not going to serve you if AI was smart, which you claim to be, because you know what? Maybe I would do an ad for Meta. They got their together and put a pause button on the reels. Why is there no pause button on the reels? Like make a good product and then come and knock it. So. So what are you supposed to do? Who's this diva cup? Are we ever having fun? Are we even having fun? You know, I believe in retail therapy, but not when that little retailer of a man with his perfectly cropped pants is breathing down your neck judging your sweatshirt. Well, let me introduce you to Nuuly. Nuuly is a subscription clothing rental service that's all about helping you have fun. Can you imagine? Every month you get six items from Newly's shared closet of thousands of styles and they have everything from going out clothes to trendy clothes to cute dresses, little tops, great jeans, jackets, vacation fits. It goes on and on and on. You name it, they have it. So for just $98 a month, you get your choice of any six styles each month. You choose whatever you want to rent for whatever you have going on. Access to thousands of styles from more than 400 brands. We're not kidding. We're talking free people Farm, Rio, Selkie, Hill House for love and lemons, Anthropology. Goldie, I'm out of breath. Inclusive sizing up to 5x as well as petite and maternity fast, free shipping and returns and professional cleaning and Newly's state of the art laundering facility. My favorite part. What would you do if you left it with a snail trail? And there's the option to buy what you love at a discount so it's fun, honestly. You get to get creative and explore your style. It's sustainable. Newly orders are shipped and recycled, recyclable and reusable totes. And it's flexible. There's no fees. We love to hear it. We're all on a budget here. There's no late fees, damage fees or fees to pause or cancel. Nuuly is a great value at 98amonth for any six styles. But right now you can get 28 off your first month of Nuuly when you sign up with code Gabby Wendy. Just go to N u u L y dot com, that's Nuuly with two U's and enter the code Gabby Wendy and sign up to get $28 off your first month. That's n u l y.com newly with two U's with code GABBY Wendy. Newly subscription clothing rental. Change your clothes. Hey, this is Sammy Clark. And this is Sammy Spalter. We are best friends, co founders of our wellness platform form, and now hopefully your new favorite podcast host with our new podcast, Transform. We started Transform because we are constantly having all of these big live chats. So we thought it was time to bring the conversations to the mic for you to join in. Knowing we can all relate to the forming the best version of ourselves house, we will be chatting it up from everything from self love, health and wellness relationships, owning a business and all of the other hills and valleys that is this big, beautiful life. Tune in every week wherever you listen to your podcast. See you soon. So who's this diva cup? And now with my rise to fame listenership around 12,000, which, thank you everyone, actually has been really nice. My DMs, they're like, we've been known even. No matter. And I, I will repost every headline no matter how dumb it is, because I do need the attention because I didn't get any as a child. You guys know this. Hello, I'm on a loop. I'm chasing the dragon. But everyone's like, we've been known. I'm like, ugh, I know you're the real ones out there. And thank you, and thank you for that. But now I can't go anywhere without security detail. This is what my life has become. My security guards are from Craigslist, Facebook Marketplace, the neighborhood app. And they just got done mounting the TV in my bedroom. I send them to the back to get a couple of Robbie's Uniqlo suits. Put them on. I don't care if they're small. Oh, oh, they're a little Tight up your crotch. Well, I see your bulge and it's. And it's smaller than Robbie's Packer. Don't complain. There's nothing to complain about. Put it on and get out here. We gotta go to Larchmont, to the newsstand. Tell your mom you're gonna be late. You gotta move out anyway. What are you doing there in your 30s? And I know you're living there. Under one condition and one condition only. That you remain sober and looking you in the face right now. I know those are DT sweats. Go crack a cold one. Come on, we gotta go. Yes. I'll put my pinky finger up your ass and I will not tell anyone. Let's go. I need to be in the back. You're in the front. I don't care if it's a 2004 Ford Expedition. I gotta go to the newsstand and I cannot be caught. I cannot be caught buying every copy of the Sunday New York Times my article, because they can't see me doing that because they have to fly off the shelves themselves. But instead I have to fake my own fame. Okay, this is still where I'm at. Bella Hadid, what have you done for me recently? Nothing. Come on, let's go. Security. Nobody can catch me like this. And then we're going to CVS and I need you at 12, 3, 6, and 9 so I can peruse what's new in the allergy aisle freely. I need the freedom of my privacy to see what's locked in the cage and what's not. Allegra D you say? What kind of pack do I want? The 12 blister or the 24? Am I looking to save some money or am I looking to get fucked up on an Ihistamines? Because, you know retail therapy with the platitude. Oh, it's a trite old saying. Oh, it's for women. Well, you've never waited for a plan B after your poor excuse for a boyfriend came inside you, but didn't want to tell you because he was afraid to admit that your was good. Like you don't have tabs on how many ccs your vaginal holds up secretions at any point in time, in any circumstance. Like you don't know his Vans Deference can only spit out a mere 5mls of semen because he's checking off in the bathroom to anime porn because he has an addiction, so that's all he can afford is the measly 5mls of semen that's going to get. And it's going to get no one anywhere. But in case there's one viable sperm that embeds itself in your uterus, you have to wait in line for the plan B. Well, please, I need something to abate me from this burden of life. And that will be the salon grade hair care aisle, maybe a scrunchie the said allergy section. And then I'll end with my favorite multi gummy. This is retail therapy. And then I need the Uniqlo security detail for the bar, naturally. For Jimmy at the bar, drunk on his eighth skinny margarita in the last two hours. Someone get this man a light beer. What's he doing on a skinny margarita? What are you, a homosexual? And he just found out who I was from a gay man's Instagram story. And now he's wondering now. Now he's dying to know. Why do people love me? Well, Jimmy, your ears and your eyes are not lending you any information into your brain. I cannot engage with stupid. I cannot engage with your failed senses that have no connection to your neurons because you're not gathering any information. All of a sudden, they think I'm a Mikey Madison in a small indie film. Anora. Oh, she came out of nowhere. She has a resume of an acting history. She just stays off social media to stay away from people like you. And you need to stay away from me. We don't give a about you. Go back to Michaela. Bother her. That the one you met in the bathroom lobby? Why don't you Kiki away from me. Security detail. Excuse me. Escort Jimmy to table 12 full of the Australians. A table that deserves to be harassed because. Because the people around here know. They know. And they. They just get it. I don't have to explain myself to them. They're not asking me any questions. They're not asking me to deliver a monologue on cue. Why do people love you? No, they just know. And it's okay to be me. But here they come running around, and that's me and my security. And they're like, who's this Diva Cup? Which I am something of a sort. Plastic on the outside, a filler substance in my lips, and metallic on the inside. Inside filled with steroids, bleach, anti. Antifreeze. Because my veins are ice cold from living in the presence of a person like Jimmy. And. And I do want to be a Diva cup. Advocate, abider, wearer, user. Because I like to be in on it. Because I like to be a part of an exclusive group. I like to speak from a place of knowledge. And I'M better than you. And you have to get on this train if you want your life to improve in any way. So I tried it. And it was not my experience, much to my sugar and dismay. No, no. But I wanted to try. I wanted to do my due diligence. I wanted to be a part of the community because I wanted to make it easier on myself. I was born with this cavernous organ that sheds its lighting every month. And I'm trying to keep the blood from getting on my thong underwear, from getting on my new Aritzia pants, from getting on the seat of my staff meeting at 10am when I have to listen to Daryl put together his useless PowerPoint about things that are not going to change at all because he took those ideas from you and now he's claiming they're his own when one time you did snoop through his staff locker and found a pair of dirty underwear. So I'm trying to keep this blood inside despite all of my efforts. It leaks out because I'm trying. Because you had a fold it like a hot dog, then you had to fold it like a hamburger. Actually, no, let me fold it like a quesadilla. Because somehow it's got to be in a quarter. Then you got to take your left hands, you got to take your left two digits, your first two digits, and pry open your lips while you're right index finger penetrates the the rest of the four fold over the Diva cup like a rose. And you have to assault your mucous membranes labia. All in vain. Double entendre. A vein holds the blood. There's blood everywhere. And you're under duress and 10 minutes late for work because you've been fingering yourself with all ten fingers in a a suction vacuum cup that's holding your uterine lining. It said to vacuum in just the right way to hug every single ridge of your uniquely shaped vagina. Don't worry, it'll never spill. It spills. It gets everywhere. All what it said it wasn't supposed to do. In the name of what? In the name of what? Sustainability? I don't think so. Take a look at our landfills. Take a look at AI Take a look at the rumba abortion back. Take a look at the rumba robot. Take a look at the abortion rumba robot. Jesus Christ. I got it out. Just take a look. And then a dear friend, a part of the Diva cup community, a proud member, because they're always going to tell you. I will not say her name in case she doesn't want the masses to know what she's doing with her sanitary products. She says to me, oh, and you can cut the end off. Oh, you can cut the stem so you don't have a constant reminder of the silicone funnel you have shoved up your pussy to catch some blood on a good day. So you can cut it off so it's not poking you in the vulva. I did. So. I did. And then you go to take it out. Now what? Now what? No amount of force of pull from any part of your body or hand can dislodge the negative pressure this vacuum funnel has created in your vagina. Nothing can pull it out. No, it has this centrifugal force. It is pulling GS akin to this spaceship carnival ride that you cannot get enough of. And you can't lift your head from the back. And you won't get off. You won't get off because you need to feel something because your parents never loved you. This is what's going inside of the ridges of my vagina. It's not coming out. It's not coming out. The negative pressure is too strong. Come on. I have. I have no other choice but to call the ambulance. So once I figure out the number to 91 1, I get on the phone. I get on the phone with the paramedic. Ugh. A man. A man. No, no. It's called a diva cup. No, I'm not talking about a Bratz doll. Oh, I didn't shove a Barbie up my. I don't even know where to find one. I sound deranged, but I'm not. No, it's not that hole. No, it's not my butthole. There's three holes. It's in the middle, and I can't get. Need a ride to the hospital because it's clouding the minds like you would never believe. I can't think. I can't think. Who knows? Have you ever had tss of the silicone? It could be worse than a mere tampon made of cotton. So when I get there, when I get to the hospital, I'm going to need your most delicate forceps. I'm a lesbian. I'm going to need them warmed. And I'd like my doctor to be Jewish because they invented medicine. This is what Robbie says. This is what I need. But luckily, by the grace of God, before the ambulance comes, I'm able to get the cup out. I'm able to get my fingers second knuckle deep in order to squeeze it around and pull it out. And it's Sucking, sucking, sucking, preventing the exit on its way out. This isn't going to be easy, but they say you just do it over a toilet. So I'm squatted. I'm in the squatting position over the toilet. Everything's going to be fine. I'm going to be free goes the diva cup. Splashes everywhere. It splashes everywhere. You're not getting it in the toilet. You're getting it on the toilet bowl. A little in the toilet, some on your white bathroom floor, a little bit in the caulk from the bathtub to your bathroom floor. And it doesn't come out easy. It doesn't come out easy. The pure amount of iron in the blood is enough to stain for weeks. Now you need a barkeep, barkeeper's friend, to scrub and scrub and scrub because you were born this way. Because you have to bleed once a month, and then it's not okay. So then the cup is in my hand. Then what do I do? What do I do with this diva? Now you got to find out some way to clean it, okay? But there's blood everywhere. There's. You don't have any pants on because you had to take them off while you're digging in. Your. Your shirt's kind of long, so you have to fold it up with the backhand of your left hand because the front is also covered in bl at the diva cups. And you're right. Oh, where do I go now? Oh, yeah, you have to clean it. And no, a rinse won't do. You have to put it in a pot of boiling water. So I have to walk. I have to walk to the kitchen. Now I'm getting period blood on another surface that it should never be on the kitchen sink. I'll give it a rinse, wash off my hands and get a pot in the utensil drawer or the pot drawer or whatever, the cooking ware drawer, fill it with water and get it to boil. This is the same pot that I cook spicy riggy in once a week for guests. And now it has a history. And now you have to look your friends in the face, knowing where that noodle came from and what it is coated with. Pussy blood. Enjoy, Enjoy. It's a red sauce. So now it's the 1800s. So now we have to boil our own sanitary products because there's no better way to clean them. And we can't dispose of them because we're so worried about the environment. Mind you, your husband is mining for crypto, but all of the weight falls on us because we're women. So we're back in the 1800s. And you have to ask your maid Meredith to bring in your period chalice once a month. No, you cannot leave your quarters the kitchen, except to bring me my pussy chalice. And that's the diva cup. And that's the always girly pop never diva cup. Oh. And I really didn't want to get into this, but I have to. But I have no other choice. This is going to be controversial. This is where. This is where. Of the Bella Hadid tick tockers. They come from her orabella. They think they're gonna love me because she liked one clip. This is where I lose you. It ends with us. I'm dying to get into the. I'm dying to get into the Blake Lively at all, but next time. This isn't it. This is even worse. The furs. The furs. I haven't been DM'd by PETA only once, I'll tell you that. And I learned quickly and I moved swiftly. I got a protection order and I blocked their ass. You can't get to me. No, because it's vintage. No, obviously it's vintage. Not because I. Not because I'm on any kind of a moral standing. Not because I take a moral high ground. Because it's cool. Because we're shopping. Vintage, because it sounds better if I can say my fur is from the 70s. You act like this animal pelt was going to live 50 years. Yeah, right. Now it gets another life on my arms because maybe I can only dream of the woman or. Or the man who wore it before me, who. Hopefully they were depressed. Hopefully they found some joy in this, just like I am now. Hopefully they took it outside with them for the only five minutes they could leave the house to get a quick head buzz and feel chic smoking a cigarette and a fur coat. Maybe they got a glimpse of something to live for. Hopefully. Because this and that is the forgot. Because PETA themselves with the chimp crazy Tanya Haddock's Tonka of it all. Oh, they really did it this time. And there's no going back. They weren't compassionate. No, they were smug. As they had a terrible leader of representation. He cannot be your figurehead. No, no. He had not once one ounce of compassion for Tanya, our beloved monkey mother, wearer of wig of sorts. Wigs she had multiple. No, because he didn't give a about her. And she. And she got the monkeys from someone who got the monkeys from someone who got the monkeys. So why don't you go? Why don't you go after the ringleader of this operation? Why are you going? For our mayor. Tanya. She loved Tonka. You could have sat down with her. You could have explained. It wouldn't have helped, but you could have tried. And then why can't she come to the sanctuary every once in a while and bring Tonka hamburger, a red Gatorade? You think he doesn't miss her if he's so close to the caveman, to the Theo von, To the troglodyte? Oh, he misses Tanya, all right. Oh, he has emotions. And he remembers her. They played footsie under the cage. Have a heart. Have a soul. Invite her in for a visit, make her feel a little bit better. But instead, and said, PETA, you ripped that monkey from her grasp. And she went to the depths. She hit him in the basement. She did everything. I'm not condoning her behavior, okay? But I'm saying we could have met the whole situation with a little more compassion. And this has. This is how PETA has gone wrong. We're not. We're in the fur vintage coat. We just are. And you know what? I think that's it. I think that's it. Thank you again. Tell all your friends. Or don't. I don't care. But please tell them only. Only they're your good. Only if you like them. And only if they're gonna like me. Until next time on another episode of Long Wind. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.