LPN Deep Dives: HOSAB / Episode 30: Lil' Botomies

Summary

LPN Deep Dives: Crescent City

Episode 30: Lil' Botomies
Release Date: December 30, 2025
Hosts: Natalie Jean & Jackie Zebrowski

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Episode Overview

This episode dives into chapters 59 and 60 of Sarah J. Maas's Crescent City: House of Sky and Breath (HOSAB). With their signature irreverence and genuine affection for SJM characters, Natalie and Jackie break down the emotionally charged Autumn Equinox Ball, dissect the complex relationships and machinations at play, and riff on everything from fictional ass gazing to the politics of fae mating. Expect plenty of off-the-wall banter, character impressions, and honest reflections about trauma, consent, and the messy realities of love—both in fantasy and IRL.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Autumn Equinox Ball Fallout

[03:35–13:00]

• The episode sets the stage at the Equinox Ball, with Bryce's public mating announcement causing waves among the Crescent City power brokers, including the Asteri and the Autumn King.
• Natalie and Jackie jokingly debate what it's like being background players at such a politically charged event, spinning up scenes as gossipy observers, “Hate them! As if I’d ever be jealous of them.” – Jackie [03:11]
• The hosts discuss the power move by Bryce in asserting her relationship with Hunt:
  "She's thinking seven steps ahead... I'm a Bryce apologist." – Jackie [09:43]
• The tension with the Asteri arriving over hologram, and the pressure everyone feels as they await their judgment, is highlighted: “As the screen rises back up, the entire room unclenches their buttholes.” – Jackie [21:49]

2. Gender Politics & Consent in the SJM Universe

[05:10–14:00, 20:00–22:40]

• The hosts unpack Celestina’s complicated romantic life, noting the blurry lines between agency and coercion due to her forced partnership with Ephraim.
• They joke about "love kisses versus forced kisses" [13:45], but pivot to acknowledge, “You can only consent so much if you have an overlord pairing you off…” – Natalie [05:43]
• The conversation veers into a mixture of humor and serious notes about property, mating, and misogyny in Midgard: "One upside to the misogyny ... is that Bryce is technically Hunt’s property now. Phew!" – Jackie [20:17]

3. Scene Recaps, Character POVs, and Notable Interactions

Asteri’s Reaction

[12:40–14:30, 17:38–21:49]

• The Asteri’s knowledge and surveillance powers are debated. The hosts joke about government surveillance:
  "I guess government surveillance is a problem everywhere..." – Jackie [18:37]
• The Autumn King’s attempt to save face and his open hostility toward Bryce are lampooned, drawing affinities to real-life “old men calling young women piggies” [22:12].

Bryce/Hunt Relationship Moments

[23:00–26:28, 39:36–44:03]

• The glow of being able to be public with their romance is celebrated—and lampooned with references to social media relationship reveals.
• But humor turns to heat as Natalie and Jackie describe Hunt and Bryce’s desperate escape to a closet for some private time:
  “The power of wanting to get laid... it’s like when a mother is saving their child. I’ll rip the car off of you and just jump on that dick.” – Jackie [39:36]

Celestina & Hypaxia’s Secret

[40:08–44:03]

• Delivered with bemused delight, the big reveal that Celestina and Hypaxia are lovers.
• The hosts riff on the tension and necessity for secrecy:
  “If the Asteri discover their relationship, Ephraim would be forced to kill Hypaxia... that’d be a war starter.” – Jackie [42:44]
• Bryce promises to stand by them if they ever come out, paralleling her own boldness:
  “She would stand with them if they ever decided to take their love public.” – Jackie [44:31]

Rune & Hypaxia, and Party Gossip

[26:56–32:32]

• Rune’s POV is peppered with anxiety as he tunes out “awful things people are whispering about Bryce and Hunt.”
• Jackie and Natalie act out the judgmental background chatter, “Did you see after she had sex with other people, then she had sex with him?” [27:21]
• The “cotillion of fuck” and Sizzler buffet metaphors draw parallels between fae society’s matchmaking and human awkwardness at big functions.

The (Non-) Meeting with Day and the Harpy

[35:14–38:01]

• Rune anxiously awaits Day but is interrupted by the Harpy, leading to humorous disgust and relief when he realizes Day has not appeared.
• The hosts playfully reference the fear of the “Harpy kiss moment,” comparing it to “love at first sight... but you only pretend you want to kiss the other person,” [36:36] complete with sound effects.

Tharion & The River Queen’s Daughter

[53:43–59:48]

• Tharion suffers through a miserable date, reflecting on how he's “gloomy Gus” while the River Queen’s Daughter remains naive and hopeful.
• He pawns her off on a bodyguard for a dance and beelines for attention from a “sexy leopard shifter,” prepping to publicly tank his unwanted relationship.
• The hosts dissect this cowardly breakup tactic:
  “This is how people act in the real world when they don’t want to be with someone—they just hurt their feelings.” – Jackie [58:33]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “She only became princess because she’s related to the king.” – Natalie [07:28], as background ball gossip.
• “If they already know this happens, how much do they know?” – Jackie [19:42], on the Asteri’s omniscience.
• “It’s good to be owned by a better male.” – Jackie [20:43], satirizing the gender dynamics.
• “Her breasts are made out of love, right?” – Jackie [40:37], during the closet scene.
• “Love is a trap, Hunt. One I can’t figure out how to free myself from.” – Celestina (read by Natalie) [50:09 & 51:04]
• “I wanted it like a faucet to be shut off.” – Jackie [51:05], reflecting on queer love and repression.
• “I don’t want anyone to feel trapped in me. Ever. In any capacity.” – Jackie [53:24], continuing the theme of agency in love.
• “He heads to the bar ... looking for the hottest female close by. Here goes nothing.” – Jackie [59:48], on Tharion's messy rebound.

---

Noteworthy Segment Timestamps

• Ball gossip & opening banter: [02:51–05:54]
• Asteri make their screen appearance: [12:38–14:30]
• Celestina, consent, and "forced kisses": [05:12–14:00]
• Asteri judgment & Autumn King's rage: [17:38–22:28]
• Public romance, butts, and glowing with love: [23:00–26:28]
• Rune’s POV: Gossip and party politics: [26:56–32:32]
• Rune’s failed rendezvous, Harpy encounter: [35:14–38:01]
• Bryce, Hunt, Celestina, Hypaxia: Closet drama: [39:36–44:03]
• Celestina’s heartbreak, Hunt’s loyalty: [50:05–53:00]
• Tharion & River Queen’s Daughter breakup arc: [53:43–59:48]

---

Tone and Style

• The hosts combine snappy, raunchy humor with genuine empathy for character struggles—punctuating plot analysis with sarcasm, running jokes, and earnest discussion about trauma, consent, loyalty, and love.
• Conversations frequently blur the lines between the Crescent City world and real-life relationship dynamics.
• Character impressions, off-the-wall metaphors (“the Sizzler of women”), and asides (“Can you hear me? You found him. Get your broom?”) keep things lively and unpredictable.

---

Conclusion

This episode blends deep Crescent City lore with snark, compassion, and gonzo humor, breathing fresh air into SJM discourse. By the end, listeners are left with renewed sympathy for Celestina and Hypaxia, plenty of laughs about fae relationship drama, and a healthy dread of the next chapters’ looming fallout.
Next up: Read through Chapter 63 for the following deep dive.

Transcript

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[Natalie Jean]

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[Jackie Zabrowski]

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[Natalie]

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[Jackie]

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[Jackie Zabrowski]

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[Natalie]

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[Jackie]

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[Jackie Zabrowski]

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[Natalie]

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[Jackie Zabrowski]

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[Natalie]

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[Jackie Zabrowski]

Not only that, but if you use our code Farewell Faybay's at checkout. For those events you will receive an exclusive swag bag from the weekend.

[Jackie]

I'll do anything for a swag bag, Natalie.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Gotcha me.

[Natalie]

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[Jackie]

$10 off of any of these events.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Dreamers and readers. Baby, I cannot wait for this.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Gimme, gimme.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Give me that. SW.

[Natalie Jean]

Welcome to Crescent City with your hosts Natalie Jean and Jackie Zabrowski.

[Natalie]

Are we kissing today?

[Jackie Zabrowski]

No, I am. I mean you're kissing. You wouldn't know who I am because I am background ball gown, Autumnal Equinox, Bryce and Hunt Haters. So when they're dancing I'm like.

[Jackie]

Hate them.

[Natalie]

Even believe are you just gonna be.

[Jackie]

One of those people that just.

[Natalie]

Because maybe you're a little jellyfish. No. Maybe you're a little gel. I think so.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I think that's. As if I'd ever be jealous of them.

[Jackie]

I don't think so.

[Natalie]

I see the way that Bryce walk.

[Jackie]

In the room, bom, bom. You could see she was a bitch with big breasties. A real big spender.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Do I want to be their third?

[Natalie]

No, I don't. Wow, you are really protesting and I'm.

[Jackie]

Loving this for you. But also, look over here.

[Natalie]

Look over. Maybe I could.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I don't care if they even asked, but maybe they. Even if they did come over here and ask, I wouldn't.

[Jackie]

They never would.

[Natalie]

Natalie.

[Jackie]

Sorry. Sorry. Bitch. If they ain't coming over here, they ain't going over there. That's so damn sure. I think this mask is doing things to me. I feel like I'm giving Batman dojo.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Aubrey. Natalie.

[Jackie]

I will get my bat sling and my big car.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Maybe the Adam west one.

[Natalie]

Oh, boinks, right?

[Jackie]

Is that what they said? That's Scooby Dooinks. That's zoinks. Yeah. Yeah, maybe he says boinks, and that was their thing.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah.

[Jackie]

They're like the light and the day.

[Natalie]

Just like us out on the brain bridge last week.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I don't know what you're saying.

[Natalie]

Light in the day, night of the.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Day is what I meant.

[Natalie]

But, guys, you knew what I meant.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Well, we're here for the ball, and.

[Jackie]

I ain't here for the balls. That's for damn sure.

[Natalie]

I do love that I have now dressed up as this character Mid Suck twice.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

You have? Wait, were you also.

[Jackie]

Oh, yeah, I did. I did.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Right? That was also her mid suck.

[Jackie]

That was also her mid suck.

[Natalie]

And I feel like this is like. I felt like I needed this Celestina.

[Jackie]

To show everybody that sometimes I suck.

[Natalie]

And fuck in, like, a way I like.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah, no, I think that's good. You want to show her in her, like, her actual passions.

[Natalie Jean]

Yeah.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Whereas last time it was like, she did it because she was required, which is, like, gross. Even though it's made very clear in the book. She consented to.

[Jackie]

They're, like, friends or whatever, but. But still, she didn't want it.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah. Which, like, you can only consent so much if you have an overlord pairing you off with somebody. But.

[Natalie]

Or you give away the consent, and then it's like, well, if you never had it, it's like, what are we missing?

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah.

[Natalie]

You know, give it away. Give it away.

[Jackie]

Give it away now. Oh, let's not bring him up.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Oh, yikes.

[Jackie]

Speaking of consent.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Speaking of consent.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Yikes.

[Jackie]

Sorry, no winks. What did I say before? I don't.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Boinks.

[Jackie]

I think I said boinks. Yeah. Boinks.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah, that's. Well, that's your catchphrase now.

[Natalie]

Oh, that's my slutty angel catchphrase.

[Jackie]

And everyone goes like, yeah.

[Natalie]

Celestina boinks.

[Jackie]

Yeah. Wow.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Really cool.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

You must laugh.

[Jackie]

I am an asteri.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

She's an archangel.

[Jackie]

I am an archangel. You must laugh.

[Natalie]

Maybe she's like, let her, like, be a little bit high faluti, you know?

[Jackie]

They don't know. I mean, they do know. They definitely know that I'm not in a surrey.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Oh, you want to pretend like. Yeah, she might be the secret hysteria.

[Natalie]

Yeah.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Oh, God.

[Jackie]

I mean, one's missing.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

We don't know that's me. Is there an extra hidden hysteri somewhere?

[Jackie]

Oh, why don't you look up that asteri right back? Yeah, baby. Maybe.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Maybe we Asteri at the script.

[Jackie]

No, Natalie. No, I will not asteri at the script.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

We come back to the autumnal equinox, okay? Having had Bryce cause a big scene by announcing her matehood in front of Celestina last.

[Jackie]

Oh, my God. And you're bitching all about. What are you saying? What kind of rumors are you spreading? She got.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I am so mean. I don't. I don't. I'm not going to be mean.

[Jackie]

No, you're so good at being mean. You should see Natalie. Oh, my God, she slices.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

She. She only became princess because she's.

[Natalie Jean]

Whoa.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Related to the king.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Whoa.

[Jackie]

Whoa. Oh, my. Back off, Natalie. I said a little roast. I didn't mean you. Incinerate the bitch. You really.

[Natalie]

You know what?

[Jackie]

Keep it to yourself. Maybe you should maintain the background part of the background actor of this.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah, I'm. I. I'm mostly making this. I'm making faces like.

[Jackie]

I had to.

[Natalie]

Take the face off.

[Natalie Jean]

Don't.

[Natalie]

Do you hate that? I hated it.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Take the face off.

[Natalie]

Yeah, take my face off.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Oh, yeah. I mean, I probably will, but the problem is, is this gets caught in wigs, like, in 16 places when I move it. Sort of like a Hellraiser situation. Like a cenobite.

[Jackie]

Oh, this huge wig that.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

This thing goes like. Oh.

[Jackie]

Because it's all full, so I have.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

To be very careful. So I will remove it at some point because it definitely hurts, but it just hurts.

[Natalie]

It smashes your face in the top half, which is where the headaches begin.

[Jackie]

And I could, like, start to, like, see the. The cascading mountain range of a headache on the. On the horizon.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Always good for podcasting. Having a big old headache.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Yes.

[Jackie]

Especially when I'm trying to get my freak on.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Looks like you already did.

[Jackie]

Yeah, bitch.

[Natalie]

I love me. It's like, you think if you were secret kissing all the time, get a lip stain.

[Jackie]

You know, you don't want to be looking like this.

[Natalie]

We're trying to hide this girl. Can we clean this up?

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I mean, are you talking to yourself?

[Natalie Jean]

Yeah.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Okay. Look in the mirror maybe and say.

[Natalie Jean]

That and see what I see inside.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Oh, the horrors.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

That's Acotar, remember?

[Jackie]

Yeah.

[Natalie]

And also just my daily life.

[Jackie]

Yes, I do.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Also, every morning.

[Jackie]

Yeah. I keep sheets over all of the mirrors in my home just so I don't scare myself. There's another person here.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Just get too, like, turned on by your image.

[Natalie]

Oh, my God.

[Jackie]

Thank you for thinking and knowing that about me.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah.

[Natalie]

All right.

[Jackie]

We're at the ball.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

We're at the ball. Last episode, we were watching Bryce pull a little stunt, and it worked.

[Jackie]

Oh, my God.

[Natalie]

Because she's, like, thinking seven steps ahead.

[Natalie Jean]

I know.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

There's Bryce. Eight is gonna be dense.

[Jackie]

Sorry.

[Natalie]

But at least you know what's good? It's not coming from both of us. Because you don't feel this way.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I'm going to. I'm a Bryce apologist. I understand.

[Jackie]

Which is good for the show, honestly.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah, I don't want to. We got to have a little push and pull, you know, because. Yeah.

[Natalie]

Hug sisters.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Hug sisters.

[Natalie Jean]

Oh, God.

[Natalie]

What are we hugging on?

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Hopefully not butt to butt, unless we.

[Jackie]

Were in heated rivalry. Man, you got to see the asses on these hockey players.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Oh, boy.

[Jackie]

Oh, and this sucking.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Oh, yeah.

[Jackie]

Yeah. I'm thinking about heated rivalry. I'm over here, and I'm like, yeah. Oh, I'm at the ball.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Oh, yeah.

[Jackie]

I'm so sucking on a lady who knows what's happening over here. But also the butts.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

All I watch right now is documentaries and body cam footage. Should I start bringing that into the show as well?

[Natalie]

It's insane, because I go over to Henry and Natalie's home, and you hear in stereo, both of them listening and.

[Jackie]

Watching body cam footage in different parts of the home.

[Natalie]

And I was like, are you both.

[Jackie]

Watching different body cam footages?

[Natalie]

And they are.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah.

[Natalie]

And, like, what do you go to that? Like, is it.

[Jackie]

Is it. Are you learning from them, or is it just, like, an upset?

[Jackie Zabrowski]

No, it's actually I think it, like works more into spun and stuff where you're watching certain. Also, I think that there's a little level, it's like unhealthy level of like justice porn because everything feels so out of control and you see a bad person get caught. But also sometimes it's just like. It's like, you know, Cops. Like, you would watch a very drunk person act silly.

[Jackie]

Man, we watched so much cops growing up. When you have a father that was in the nypd. Oh, baby, there's a lot of cops on.

[Natalie]

Do you know how many marathons of.

[Jackie]

Cops that there are?

[Natalie Jean]

Many throughout the year?

[Natalie]

Do you know that there's actually a whole channel that only exclusively shows cops?

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I believe it. It's for hotels. But we're not here to talk about it. Bryce is at the start of 59, chapter 59. We're with her and she has just done this thing. She embarrassed her daddy, her bad daddy. Which, you know, it's gonna be bad news for her eventually, but right now she's not. Right now she is more pressing in the moment because she's gonna deal with the Autumn King later. We are finding out what the Asteri are going to say and do when they appear. They're on the screen. They. They showed up on FaceTime. And what are they going to say about this matehood? Right, so start 59. Bryce is scared, but can't at the same time help but lust after Hunt. She's relieved her plan went through and now Hunt can be publicly recognized as.

[Natalie]

Her mate and prince, which he loves.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

He loves it. She was about to drag him to a closet when Ephraim announced the Asteri had arrived. Rigelis gets all conti and is. Oh to, you know, Celestina and Ephraim. Congratulations. You must be so overjoyed for the union that we forced you into.

[Natalie]

Yes, thank you, Rigelus.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yes. Basically, Celestina bows is like, thank you so much. Love to suck that dick. Bryce doesn't know what to make of Celestina's words to the Asteri. Does she feel somewhat.

[Jackie]

That said, she just said love to.

[Natalie Jean]

Suck that dick to them.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Wow.

[Jackie]

Very, very forward, open.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Does she feel okay about this pairing? Would she begin to fall in love with Ephraim eventually? She doesn't know what's in, you know, she doesn't know as much as Hunt knows about Celestina and her dad.

[Jackie]

Do these look like the lips of somebody that's been sucking on an angel? I don't think so. I may be touched by an angel. But I sucking on one in the closet.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

How do you tell the differ of the kissing?

[Natalie]

It really depends on how.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

How?

[Jackie]

Yes, the shape of it. That's how you know it's love kisses versus forced kisses.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Wow.

[Natalie]

Although I think I did probably about the same idea.

[Jackie]

I think.

[Natalie]

You know what, this is probably not.

[Jackie]

As smeared, so I don't know why.

[Natalie]

I feel like love kisses are less smeared. Maybe it's because you're so busy like.

[Jackie]

When you're on that mouth like. Right. That's what you do. You taught me. Yeah, you showed me.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I taught Jackie how to kiss when I met her when she was in her late 20s.

[Jackie]

Yeah, but not on me like you just showed me on other people. Yeah.

[Natalie Jean]

Thank you.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah, you're welcome.

[Jackie]

Oh yeah, this is dopey wig. I forgot.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Oh, that is dopey wig. Oh no, he's back.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Oh no.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Oh no, he's here goes to go to the ball.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

One ball is also big. Oh, I don't think I heard you correctly, Rogers. Did you not hear me? I was about to suck his dick.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

It's a very differently toned voice. I.

[Natalie]

Well, this is.

[Jackie]

This is horny Dopey.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

It sounds like he went through puberty.

[Jackie]

Yeah.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Oh, yeah.

[Jackie]

That's why. I mean, I'm mated now. This is a mated dopey. He's bigger and thicker than the last dopey. And that.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Oh good. Let's sexualize dopey.

[Jackie]

No, no, he's just throbbing so much that the hat has to explode off of his head.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I'm so, so scared. I would, I can't. I would never look up. There's definitely porn that's been made of the seven dwarves and Snow White and I'm afraid to look at it. I'm not going to because it's going to be awful.

[Natalie]

What if they pile all on top of each other like they're one big man?

[Jackie]

Oh, and then do you have to pull them apart like they're like pull apart like monkey bread. And then you like take each bite individually.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I did this. I did this to us. Okay.

[Jackie]

Parfait with love.

[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Natalie Jean]

The service.

[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah.

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[Natalie]

Of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required new customer offer for first three months only. Speed slow after 35 gigabytes of network's busy, taxes and fees extra.

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[Jackie]

Something to brag about.

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[Jackie Zabrowski]

And then another of the Asteri, whom we don't hear from often. Octartia Artartis.

[Jackie]

Oh, he's a seal. And that would be very terrifying if all of a sudden, like, looked like a man, looked like an angel. Excuse me. But then also started acting like a seal.

[Natalie]

I'm sorry.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Artartus Octartis. Right.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Oh, I can't say that anymore.

[Jackie]

Is this ok, Tartus?

[Natalie Jean]

It just sounds.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Oh, hi. Oh.

[Natalie Jean]

Whoa.

[Jackie]

Are Andrew and Dice and Clay back?

[Jackie Zabrowski]

They're back, baby. Octartus.

[Jackie]

Okay.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Pipes up, terrifyingly directing his attention towards Bryce and Hunt instead of Ephraim and Celestina.

[Natalie Jean]

Octartus, the Southern star, the Asteri Dirigulus. Right. Spoke her voice like ancient cracking ice.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Oh, it's a her.

[Jackie]

Wow.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Go off. Okay, I understand other congratulations are in order too.

[Jackie]

Oh, God, you sound like an old bitch is what you sound like.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I don't know why I picture all the hysterias. Like mean non binary gays, for sure.

[Natalie]

Have you seen like.

[Jackie]

Because I was gonna. I almost dress as Rigelous and like, Rigel's all I was like, I'm not twink enough to be able to pull off Rigelus.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah, I do feel like all of them are different characters that Cole Escola plays. Like all his.

[Jackie]

Oh my God, they would kill Rigelous.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Oh my God. Yeah.

[Jackie]

Yes, honeypee. But you don't. Yes, yes, I agree.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Thank you. Anyway, somehow the Asteri already know of their mating. I guess government surveillance is a problem everywhere. The Autumn King steps up and surely only to save face in front of everyone. He presents Bryce to the Asteri as though he's a supportive father. He's like, I present to you my princess Bryce and her maid Hood. Yeah. She sees Cormac appear beside her as well, because he must, since the Asteri were prepared to see Cormac and Bryce betrothed. But then he's super pissed at Bryce about springing this on him with no warning. She's as. As this is all happening in real time. She's going back to a little bit earlier because she didn't tell him she was going to do this at the party. So he had whispered to her that he's not too. He's not going to forget this. Whatever that cryptic threat means. So she contemplates just how much the Hysteri know of everyone's dealings and whether they could possibly know Cormac is a rebel. Because she's like, okay, they clearly have eyes and ears everywhere.

[Jackie]

If they already know this happens. Yeah.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

How much do they know? Jaw clenched. The Autumn King presents Hunt as Bryce's mate. Because I totally knew about it and was happy that it happened.

[Jackie]

Oh, God.

[Natalie]

Also, I feel like all the hysteria, like, let that jaw go for a second.

[Jackie]

You'll be fighting.

[Natalie]

She's like, it's like, I think he's upset or he's really happy.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

It's hard to tell with him. He doesn't have a lot of facial expressions.

[Natalie Jean]

No.

[Natalie]

And I can't imagine he's happy very often.

[Jackie]

So they probably don't know what to do with it.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

No. She's aware that both he and Cormac want her head on a platter right now. But one upside to the misogyny alive and well in mid Guardian culture is that Bryce is now considered Han's property. Phew. And to with his property would be like starting a war. So technically, she has cover with Hunt from the other males because we're already in the system that allows it.

[Jackie]

Yes.

[Natalie]

And it's just. Honestly, it's good to be owned by a better male.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah.

[Natalie]

And I'd rather be owned by somebody.

[Jackie]

That can, like, get all lightning up.

[Natalie]

That we can teleport from place to place. Like, I mean, it's better than Cormac.

[Jackie]

Yeah.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Although Cormac is like, he's fine. Morally gray. Like, we're not sure, but sure.

[Jackie]

And we know that he's a sad boy.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Don't.

[Jackie]

I mean, we love sad emo boy, But.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

But he can also be a pain.

[Natalie]

Yeah.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Behind. So Rigela smiles menacingly through this whole pageantry as all of this is going on, all of the Asteri, but specifically Rigelus is watching with this sort of, like, knowing smile. Like there's, like, something behind it. And after moments of torturous waiting to see what the Asteri are going to say about this surprise maidhood. They all simply wish both couples blessings and tell the room to enjoy death's day in peace. And then they disappear. So a little too casual for my liking. As the screen rises back up, the entire room unclenches their buttholes. The Autumn King turns on Bryce, calling her a little bitch. Whoa.

[Natalie]

Is that a new one that you just crafted, Daddy?

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah. What are you, Alec Baldwin?

[Jackie]

Quite a piggy.

[Natalie Jean]

No, I'm sorry, that's the person.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

United States. Yeah, he did call his daughter a pig.

[Jackie]

He did call her a pig. Thank you.

[Natalie]

Thank you for understanding my reference. You see me, Natalie, thank you.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yes.

[Jackie]

Many, many old men out here calling young women piggies.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Oh, yeah. Yep. I have one in my life from my childhood also.

[Jackie]

Oh.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

She responds. It's you, little. Your highness walks away.

[Jackie]

It's like, you know. That's a good response.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Gotta do it. She decided she's going to make this future Bryce's problem, which I relate to. I'm like, oh, well, future Natalie's gonna have to deal with this. I'm gonna hang out and have fun right now.

[Natalie]

So, I mean, you may as well get.

[Jackie]

Take the fun when they can get it. They don't get fun very often anymore. So, yeah.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

So for now, she wants to luxuriate in hunt and being able to be romantic with him in public, which is, like, really fun. That's always a fun feeling when you first become, like, legit with your. With your partner, and you start showing up places, like, holding hands for the first time, and everybody's like, oh, my God.

[Natalie]

They're, like, totally together. Oh, my God.

[Jackie]

Don't even get me started. When you post the first gram picture. Oh, my God. Everyone goes, who's that?

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Who's that?

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah.

[Jackie]

And I'm like, yeah. You look at it and go.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Is that groping your breasts?

[Natalie]

I was groping. I just keep thinking about those hockey.

[Jackie]

Butts that was open. Yeah, I'm thinking about butts. I got only butts on the brain today.

[Natalie]

Sorry.

[Jackie]

It's better than only fans, right?

[Natalie]

Because I'm losing less money if I.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Have it up here while taking money out of. Wow.

[Jackie]

Wow. It's not that I wouldn't give to sex workers. I just don't have the money to.

[Natalie]

Properly give them what they need.

[Jackie]

But up here. Whoa. I can see Those butts in 3D.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Not in the office.

[Jackie]

You can't take the butts away from my eyes.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

You wait and see what I'll do.

[Jackie]

No, Natalie, please don't take the butts away.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Gonna put Intrusive thoughts in there.

[Jackie]

No, not with the butts.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Think about your meemar.

[Jackie]

No, she never had a butt. They sewed her ass, Jacob. Together, so that it would come out of her top. That's why we were so scared of her grandmother.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Why is that helping you get back into the erotic mood?

[Jackie]

Yeah.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Okay. Good.

[Natalie]

Yeah.

[Jackie]

Thinking about the shit spewing out of my dead grandmother's mouth.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I'm sorry to bring up any more. I apologize.

[Natalie]

That's okay.

[Jackie]

You got. You know. She strikes fear in the hearts of the young.

[Natalie]

But not this old.

[Jackie]

Nope.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Too old for it. Yep. So sorry.

[Jackie]

Do you like the creaking of my wings? I feel like I'm a wooden roller coaster.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

It's a Christmas skeleton.

[Jackie]

Yeah. Oh, is that like the Ghost of Christmas Past, but like way in the past Maybe.

[Natalie]

Or maybe in the future.

[Jackie]

Yeah.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Who knows? We might be all be skeletons in the future. We will be skeletons in the future.

[Jackie]

Oh, my God. I wish I could meet the first piece. I'll just all of a sudden become pile of bones.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

She's just a pile of bones.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Okay. She takes his hand and they begin to dance. First a little clumsily, and then they get into the rhythm. So she's taken. She's so taken by the way that Hunt is looking at her. Her star begins to glow as they dance across the floor. People gasp in the room when she lights up, but she ignores them.

[Jackie]

Wow.

[Natalie Jean]

She whipped into his arms and Hunt didn't falter a step, sweeping her around the floor. She had a vague sense of Rune and Hypaxia dancing. Celestina and Ephraim too. Of Baxian and Naomi. Isaiah now with them on guard by the doors. But she couldn't look away from Hunt.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

He kisses her in front of everyone.

[Jackie]

Oh, my God. In front of everybody.

[Natalie]

So everybody's gonna know.

[Jackie]

Too bad everybody's smelling your stink, wafting from your holes.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Oh, God. And she melts when he tells her that everything that had happened to him was so that he could meet her. We cut to Run's POV as he's.

[Jackie]

Dancing with a distracted the hundreds of years of torture.

[Natalie]

It's like.

[Jackie]

I don't know.

[Natalie]

Like, I feel like that is a beautiful sentiment, but part of me would be like, I feel like we could.

[Jackie]

Have cut out some of.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

That's how good the pee is.

[Jackie]

Wow.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yep.

[Jackie]

I guess.

[Natalie]

I guess we.

[Jackie]

I guess we don't have that.

[Natalie Jean]

Natalie.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

No.

[Jackie]

We don't have hundreds of years of torture pee.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I don't.

[Jackie]

And it's not fair. How do we get it?

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I have one year of torture. Whoa.

[Jackie]

It's more year of torture than I have. And so I guess I gotta start weathering my lips.

[Natalie]

No, you gotta.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Nah. You got at least a year of torture in there. You're right.

[Natalie]

Thank you, Natalie.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yes.

[Natalie]

Thank you for seeing my torture. Ow.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

My face.

[Jackie]

I know. The mask.

[Natalie]

Head hurts.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I got a dent in my head. We cut to Rune's pov as he's dancing with a distracted hypaxia. He's trying to ignore the awful things people are whispering about Bryce and Hunt.

[Jackie]

What are you saying? Okay. Are we saying it to each other? You want to say I can pretend I'm someone else? I'm not an. I'm not an archangel. Who's me. Tell me about it.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Oh, my God. Did you see after she had sex.

[Jackie]

Look at my wings. I'm not an angel.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

After she had sex with other people.

[Jackie]

Yeah, she was having sex with other.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

People, then she had sex with him.

[Natalie Jean]

Oh, my God.

[Jackie]

That sounds. I bet it was good. How was his butt?

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I would never know because I don't look at him.

[Jackie]

Oh, yeah.

[Natalie]

Or her butt. Not looking at their butts.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

No, they're.

[Natalie]

Surprise.

[Jackie]

I'm an archangel. You're dead.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

That's fine. I'm tired.

[Jackie]

Sorry. Gotta kill ya.

[Natalie]

Or like we always are hoping for here. I'll just go through your eye and I'll give you a little lobotomy.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Oh, yes.

[Natalie]

And then you never have to worry about them ever again. You're welcome this year.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Please, Natalie, do you want.

[Natalie]

I feel like we've got to be able to find a med spa here.

[Jackie]

That would do like, lil lobotomies.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

We just got to rebrand it. It has to become a sexy thing. Like how little bottomies.

[Natalie]

And then it's cute.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Like girdles became repurposed and called waist trainers.

[Jackie]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

So, like, you do the Kardashian thing, they're wearing girdles, but you're like, no, no, no. This is a waist trainer. This is something sexy. You just have to rebrand the lobotomy. Like, can't breathe properly. It's like a mind cleanse. Mind cleanse. That's pretty good.

[Jackie]

Mind cleanse. Where's Chris angel when you need them?

[Jackie Zabrowski]

He needs a mind cleanse. Little dirty little thoughts in there.

[Natalie]

Puts on a great show, though.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I love this show.

[Jackie]

Puts on a great show.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Loved it. Rune is now listening to all these people talk about his sister and Hunt and he's trying to ignore it, so. And he also, in this moment, he's also thinking about how Cormac fled the party after Bryce's little stunt, too furious to even confront the hind, which Ruhn is thankful for because this is not the time or place.

[Jackie]

No.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

And so it's like Cormac's. It's just better if he's not here.

[Natalie]

Because also, like, Ruhn is going through, like, remember where we last left him. He's also just like, I'm looking for Day.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

I'm looking for Day.

[Lowes Commercial Announcer]

Where's Day?

[Jackie]

And then, like, he's hearing all the shit about his sister.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah.

[Natalie]

Pissy.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah. There's a lot He's. He's got a lot going on in this. In this party. And he does understand also, though, why Cormac bailed for another reason. And it's that now that he was once again on the market, rich assholes were going to present their daughters up like prize pies at the county fair at this ball.

[Natalie]

God, it's gotta kind of feel pretty great.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Yeah.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

But I feel like it also be, like, really overwhelming. And also you, like, probably don't want to talk to most of those daughters.

[Natalie]

I know, but it's like the Sizzler of women.

[Jackie]

And you can get any kind of.

[Natalie]

Wilted lettuce leaf you want or to mein.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I mean, but you still have. It's like. But you don't even have to talk to each of the lettuces.

[Jackie]

Oh. And be like, oh, we're.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

All I can think of is that whenever life. Whenever Rory got tricked into going to the grandparents party, and it was just.

[Jackie]

All the single boys. Yes. All just going after her. All being brought to.

[Natalie]

Yeah, but I've never had a buffet of fuck before.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

You should have had a cotillion.

[Jackie]

Cotillion. Oh, I knew bitches that were in cotillion.

[Natalie]

And nobody was asking old Jackie to be a part of cotillion.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

We should do an LPN cotillion.

[Jackie]

I love this idea. And we'll teach all of them how to grace peacefully and grand from League of Their Own.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Grandly. So, yeah. All of these, like, girls are presented to these princes. And so he's like, I gotta get out of here. Even Tristan's parents were looking around the room for him since they had brought Tristan's sister with them. Sathia. Wonder if we'll see her again.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Who knows?

[Jackie Zabrowski]

He comes out of his thoughts and realizes hypaxia is scanning the room. When he asks what she's doing, she explains that she is just trying to find her sister. The hind. If you'll Call. He directs Hypaxia towards the couple. Pollux and the Hind are hovering near a staircase. Not getting too loose and fun. They're sort of like lurking almost. Although they're both dressed up looking evil and hot in golden white with matte black masks.

[Natalie Jean]

And, you know, they look so good while they did it, it's annoying.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Hypaxia seems hesitant to go over and greet her. Rune wants to know why bother at all, and Hypaxia reasonably just says she wants to meet her blood relative, which you can't really argue with. Even if it's a horrible person you.

[Natalie]

Like, I'd be curious.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

So want to know. Ruhn knows he. He understands because he knows. He felt that as soon as he had learned he had a sister, he wanted to go meet her.

[Natalie]

Meet her.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Ruhn offers to accompany Hypaxia to the. You know, go over there with the Hind and with Pollux. And Hypaxia accepts this offer. Ruhn notes that it's nearly midnight, but he figures he could help her walk over there. He needs a distraction anyway, so he's like, I'll take you over there for a couple minutes. It's clear that Hypaxia is quite nervous, and as they approach Pollux in the Hind, the couple spots them and both smirk at their hesitance to approach.

[Natalie Jean]

Hypaxia, to her credit, squared her shoulders as she halted Lydia. The Hind's mouth curled upward. Hypaxia, her voice was low, smooth. It was a blatant show of disrespect. Not to use the Queen's title, not.

[Jackie]

To even bow, bitch, get on your knees.

[Natalie]

But she's not gonna do that. She's not gonna say that.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

She won't.

[Natalie]

She's scared. I'd be scared of the Hind.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

She's also gracious. And nevertheless, the gracious Hypaxia still offers her greetings and calls Lydia sister.

[Natalie Jean]

All class.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

All class. Bitch. Oh, so classy. Which the Hind seems to find amusing. Oh, God.

[Jackie]

Nothing drives me crazier than when somebo.

[Natalie]

Starts laughing when, like, they did something.

[Jackie]

Mean or like I'm upset about something.

[Natalie]

When they start doing, oh, you just want to.

[Jackie]

Oh, I just want to rip the knives out of her hands, put them in her eyeballs.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Whoa. Well, that's not what Hypaxia is going to do.

[Natalie Jean]

No.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

She actually tries to be a diplomatic again. She pushes, saying that she'd like to be able to call her sister more, as in they could spend time together. The Hind just kind of flippantly says, yeah, maybe obviously disinterested in this relationship. But Hypaxia tries again and asks the Hind if she is enjoying her time. In Lunathian. The Hind says no and calls everyone their plebes.

[Jackie]

Wow.

[Natalie]

You're so edgy.

[Jackie]

Wow, Hind.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah. Oh my God, you're so cool. Pollux laughs at this and Hypaxia gets angry at him and tells him to walk away. He's all, you're not the boss of me.

[Jackie]

Oh my God, you're so. The two of you.

[Natalie]

You know you can write off your blood relatives, Hypaxia, right?

[Jackie]

You know, it's okay to do, but.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I think it's fair. She wanted to try.

[Natalie]

She wanted to try.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Hypaxia doesn't balk at Pollux's disrespect and tells him they're just going to need a few moments alone. Rune takes this as his way out of the group and without asking if Pax would like him to leave, he says he's gonna give the two of them space as well. And he kind of like just like packs away. He feels a bit bad, but his dick is just begging for those third degree burns.

[Jackie]

Yeah. Rubbing dug and rubbing tug, he makes.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

His way quietly out the doors towards the agreed upon fountain under the night sky. He's so nervous he's almost shaking. As the last minutes tick down, he wonders if she'll show up looking for someone.

[Natalie]

I like that read, a female voice crooned.

[Natalie Jean]

Ruhn whirled, his stomach bottoming out as he beheld the masked figure before him. The Harpy stood in the shadows beyond the fountain as if she'd been waiting.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Oh no.

[Jackie]

The harpy.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Please, no.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

God no. What?

[Guest/Additional Voice]

What?

[Jackie Zabrowski]

She's so mean. And even worse, she's not hot.

[Natalie]

No, she's not hot.

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[Jackie Zabrowski]

So what are you waiting for?

[DSW Commercial Announcer]

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[Jackie Zabrowski]

A Chapter 60. Rune is staring in disbelief at the Harpy. His mind is reeling. How could they possibly be the harpy? This is like a love at first sight reveal where they think they're in love the whole time and then they meet in the physical disgust is palpable and the one party has to pretend they're thrilled to Kiss the other one. They're like, wow, it's you. I.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Yes.

[Jackie]

And you can just tell the everything on their. Everything that just doesn't want to kiss the person.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yep. This is. This is like, I'm. I. I'll kiss RP Because I love her.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

So.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah. Gritting his teeth, he's like Day. He almost audibly does a cartoonish.

[Natalie Jean]

When.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

The harpy responds, what are you talking about?

[Jackie]

Thank God. Thank God.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

The next thought is, oh, crap. If Day shows up, she's going to be in imminent danger if the harpy sees her. He recalls the light threats made that day at the bar whenever the harpy and the hind came.

[Jackie]

They were playing cards.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

They were playing cards and. And if the other was close behind, both of them would have even more leverage to look into his dealings. If he's out here meeting a woman in the shadows, he decides he needs to get out of there immediately. He'd have to explain today, later, but the harpy either knows something or is just picking up that something. Something. Yeah, that was. He was out here to hook up because she mocks him as he walks away asking if she's going to get a stolen gift.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Come back, big boy. Kill me. Kill.

[Jackie]

And he's just like, please don't.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Please.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Oh, my own.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

That's a Rog. That's a who Framed Roger Rabbit. And they're like a sexy shadow. And then.

[Jackie]

Yeah, yeah, I do think about that too often.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

As he retreats back to the party, he notices that it's a few minutes past 12, meaning that day didn't show up. Anyway, bummer. As he walks back to the doors leading inside, he almost slams right into more trouble.

[Natalie Jean]

The Hind's golden eyes gleamed in the dimness through her mask. She'd followed him.

[Natalie]

Had she suspected that he was slipping.

[Natalie Jean]

Away to meet with someone? She hadn't said a word, as far as he knew about the shit that had gone down at Idra. Was it so she could ultimately follow them to a bigger prize?

[Jackie Zabrowski]

He walks past her without acknowledging her, and she watches him. With the focus of a predator, Ruhn feels foolish at the level of danger he had asked Day to put herself through. He walks straight to the party and out the front doors. We cut over to Hunt's pov, and he and Bryce are at the same time at the same party, but all over each other. In the hallway outside the party, they had danced a few songs and that was all they could take before escaping the room to hook up. They've made their way to a closet to hide in both of them, unable to wait any longer. They're nearly having sex in the hallway as they get to the door, only to realize that it's locked. Hunt, too caught up in his fervor, says, don't worry, I'll break it down.

[Jackie]

Man, the power of wanting to get laid can really get you almost. It's like. It's like when a mother is saving their child. I feel like. It's like, I'll rip the car off of you and just jump on that dick. He's like, no, no problem.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I can just break the door.

[Jackie]

Rips it off its hinges.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

He scoots a flushed Bryce out of the way and throws his shoulder into the door, breaking the lock in one thrust. Then the two of them are entangled in the closet. In seconds, he goes to lift her up.

[Natalie Jean]

Hunt whirled, mind trying to match up with what his senses were blaring. But there it was. There they were. Celestina's dress had been tugged down, bearing one full round breast.

[Jackie]

Natalie.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Ew.

[Natalie]

Gleaming as if someone had been licking it.

[Jackie]

I'm gonna pull it out.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

No, I'm gonna pull it out. YouTube deal with.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

With this.

[Jackie]

And it's just light. Blinding light.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Oh, my God.

[Jackie]

Her breasts are made out of love, right?

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Oh, cool.

[Jackie]

They're not. They're just regular meat breasts.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Oh, they're me. That's called gleaming.

[Jackie]

Yeah, they are.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I think you.

[Jackie]

Oh, I said it. Gleaming as if someone had been licking it. But I was yelling. I was yelling it as I was.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

It was me screaming, no.

[Jackie]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also, if you want me to say it again.

[Natalie Jean]

And gleaming as if someone had been licking him.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

No, I'm good.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Uh oh.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Hans is trying to wrap his mind around who Celestina is in the closet with, whose hair is tousled and clothes are.

[Jackie]

A wizard. A wizard. A wizard. Wizard, wizard, wizard.

[Natalie]

It was hypexia.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yes.

[Jackie]

I'm a savage angel. Give me the apples. A bitch. You are queen and I'm an angel. Let's fuck it out.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

It's a good couple.

[Jackie]

I mean, that's all she had to say. And then Hibaxia was like, let's go.

[Natalie]

Yeah, let's get out of here.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

So this is a new thing that we've found.

[Jackie]

Yes.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

None of them seem to know what to say. Both Hunt and Celestina go into battle mode, their powers forming around them as their lovers are threatened.

[Jackie]

So cool. That's so cool.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Except, like. Like, now Hypaxi and Bryce have to do, like, a hostage negotiation.

[Natalie]

But it's also Kind of good, though, because they're like.

[Jackie]

They are.

[Natalie]

They, like. They have that kiki. They're like, kind of sissies in law, but not like.

[Jackie]

But I mean, this all makes a lot of sense.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

So Hypaxi and Bryce are now in charge of trying to negotiate. They both very carefully say, hey, guys. This is awkward, huh? Crazy, huh? A funny in the closet situation.

[Jackie]

This one.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Closet.

[Jackie]

I bet there's a lot here.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Bryce tells them that they would not tell anyone what they saw. In a faraway voice, Celestina explains that if the Asteri will discover her and Hypaxia's relationship, Ephraim would be forced to kill Hypaxia, and it would basically. There would be hell to pay, I think.

[Jackie]

Yeah, that's also like another, like.

[Natalie]

Pretty sure that's like a war starter, right?

[Jackie]

Yeah, I think that's real bad.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Bryce goes into diplomatic mode. It's almost as if the Canadian president dates one of our pop stars.

[Natalie]

Whoa.

[Jackie]

Oh, maybe she's one of your pop stars, Natalie.

[Natalie]

I don't claim her.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

No, I'm not. I'm not a send her back to space. I was never a one. So Bryce goes into diplomatic mode. Now she tells Celestina she likes her and thinks she's good for Lunathian. She wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that. Hunt manages to get out of battle mode enough to gawk at Bryce's assertive but calm tone.

[Natalie Jean]

Power to power. Female to female. Governor to princess wasn't the right word for the expression that came across Bryce's face. The shift of her posture, Another word formed on his tongue. But Hunt didn't let it take root, didn't let himself think of all the deadly implications that the other word would entail.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Girl boss.

[Jackie]

Oh, yeah, okay. Girl boss works better. Is that what he's scared of?

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Women in power?

[Jackie]

Cause we gonna whip that ass.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

And also, toxic white feminism.

[Jackie]

Oh, yeah.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

So this is what we now can call foreshadowing what he's thinking about, but we won't say anything else. It's. It is some foreshadowing for later in the books. So Celestina can't seem to shake the protection fury that she's in. So Bryce turns to Hypaxia, who is more receptive to Bryce, and tells her she would not bring them harm. She goes further to say, however, if they ever decided they wanted to take their love in front of the Asteri, she would stand there beside them. I mean, she just did it herself.

[Natalie]

You know, it's Like, I appreciate that, but I think it's a little different in this situation.

[Jackie]

But, girl, like, I'm kind of in the middle of a couple things, and I don't think I was like, oh, great, you're gonna stand with us as they fucking kill my girl.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Well, yeah, I think she was trying to make it like a.

[Natalie]

Like, we'll stand together.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I think more like showing her loyalty.

[Jackie]

Her loyalty? Yes.

[Natalie]

And that she would put herself on.

[Jackie]

The line for her as well.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah. Slowly, Celestina begins to dim the glow of her archangel powers.

[Jackie]

Oh, but that's so cool, man. I wish I glowed when I got, like, protective and ang. That's so cool.

[Natalie Jean]

It is.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

But you also, if that happens when you're nearby, you might be dead soon. So it's good to not have it in the closet.

[Jackie]

Yeah.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

She admits that she was the one who encouraged Hypaxia to accept Ruhn's proposal and that after an heir was produced, that maybe they could pick the relationship back up. Because all of these, like, dealings of these couples is all business, so.

[Natalie]

But also, I guess, like, it must make it much easier if you live forever or if you live for hundreds of years to be like, how about we pick this up later, come back in, like, 30?

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Great. Yeah.

[Natalie]

You know, I feel like that does make it a little bit. But then at the same time, you're not the same.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

No person.

[Natalie]

You're not never going to be the.

[Jackie]

Same if you still.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

If you love and long for someone, it's still going to be there.

[Natalie Jean]

Right.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

You, like, can pick it back up eventually. But that was what their kind of plan was initially was like, well, let Hypaxia do this thing. After Hypaxia goes through this betrothal, it'll be better for the piece. And then maybe later on stereo won't care what Hypaxia does. But then Celestina got promised to Ephraim and everything changed. That they, you know, there's different rules put upon the archangels. They then felt they needed to go their separate ways, especially Celestina. But they just can't quit each other.

[Jackie]

Just can't quit you, girl.

[Natalie]

Are you kidding?

[Jackie]

I'm head over heels for Hypaxia and.

[Natalie]

She'S a book character. Yeah, I think that Hypaxia, I forget that Hypaxia, for me, I think is in, like, my top five SJM characters.

[Jackie]

That I would want to kiss. I really like Hypaxia.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah, I mean, I get it. Totally get it. Also, she's, like, smart. She's a doctor.

[Jackie]

Yeah, dude. And she's got the, like, broom brooch.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Got. She fly you around.

[Jackie]

So cool.

[Natalie]

And she's a necromancer.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

And it's like, she's just.

[Natalie]

And she had ghost teachers, guys. She had ghost teachers.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

That's why Celestina, you know, fell apart.

[Jackie]

Gotta hit it.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Hunt, who is also chillaxed at this point, commiserates at being left with few options. When he was a slave. So he's. He says, I totally understand your pain, your suffering. Hypaxia muses that maybe there aren't that many differences between being a slave and an archangel. Bryce repeats that they would take their secrets to the grave. And Hunt marvels at how easily the two females nodded in trust with Bryce. Hunt tells them they better leave before they all get caught and think Hunt is having the night of his life.

[Jackie]

I mean, that's a night. Dude, y', all, honestly, you walk in on the umbra mortis, taking those three down, like, talk about. It's like. I mean, give him. Make him an archangel. At this point, I guess I don't.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Think I've seen fanfic of that.

[Jackie]

Whoa. Could we.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Anybody?

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Anyone? So, yeah. His little joke lightens the room a bit, though. Celestina looks somewhat troubled. Bryce, you look troubled. Yeah, let me.

[Jackie]

Let me look troubled.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Oh, no, no, that's not. Nope.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Oh, God. Oh. Going up, actually.

[Natalie]

Can you hear me?

[Jackie Zabrowski]

You found him.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

You get your broom?

[Jackie]

I remembered. I remembered where he lived in my mouth.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

He lived back here.

[Jackie]

You still want to kiss me? I pack you.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

So that is what Hunt is looking at in the closet.

[Jackie]

And Bryce, he's just like, oh, God, never mind. I don't want them to think I'm with this. Now that's fanfic. I want to see.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Oh, no dopey in there.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I guess he is a man. He's, like, technically old. He's not a child. They're all, like, a hundred million years old. Oh.

[Jackie]

So it's fine. You can consent, right?

[Natalie]

Or does the dopiness take the consent away?

[Jackie]

I'm not quite sure. I don't know what the laws are. If we could. If we could weigh in on that, that would be great.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Okay, good, good. So Bryce also seems to notice this troubled look on Celestina's face and takes hypaxia by the arm, suggesting they go talk about how pissed the Autumn King will be about Bryce's stunt, essentially to leave Hunt alone to talk with his boss. Yeah, Celestina doesn't really seem to want to talk. It out, though, she begins to walk towards the door to exit the room, pointing out to Hunt that his new princely status won't be much better than being a slave either.

[Natalie Jean]

Damn.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Hunt tells her that Bryce is worth it.

[Natalie Jean]

Then she says this, but Celestina said, face solemn. Love is a trap, Hunt. She shook her head more at herself than at him. One I can't figure out how to free myself from.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

It's like, damn, damn, dude.

[Jackie]

Damn bitch.

[Natalie]

How? Sounds like a bitch that has blue.

[Natalie Jean]

Balls inside of a closet.

[Natalie]

I mean, I just also, to me.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

That'S so cruel towards hypaxia. Like, treating her feelings for her like a burden.

[Natalie]

But think of how her brain must go against herself, that if she could probably. How much she must hate herself, that she's like, if I could just shut this off. Honestly, in the same way that. Not to be like this, but as.

[Jackie]

Someone that had queer feelings from a young age, that I always wish I could. When I was young, I was scared of them, and I kind of wish.

[Natalie]

I could shut them off.

[Jackie]

I wanted it like a faucet to just be shut off. So I do wonder if there's also part of that of just.

[Natalie]

Of, like, if she didn't love, she wouldn't have to worry about any of it.

[Jackie]

Like, she could just go have the.

[Natalie]

Baby she has to have.

[Jackie]

She would just do the business she's got to do.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I get that.

[Jackie]

You're right. It's not fair, though. And it's very mean.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I do feel like it's slightly different when it's directed towards a specific person. Like, imagine, like, your partner being like, God, I wish I could not love you. Sorry for you so hard on my life. Like, that's so mean. I'm like, me.

[Natalie]

Oh, am I difficult to deal with?

[Jackie Zabrowski]

No, I think that's cruel as fuck.

[Jackie]

Yeah, no, it is. It really is, Ed. You are correct.

[Natalie]

I just. I just, like, live inside of her brain now.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Oh, I know. You have to be in her and you have to see it from her side.

[Natalie]

Yeah, I have to see it from her side.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Hunt seems to be surprised by this, also asking, like, incredulously, if she wants to be freed from love. As she passes through the doorway into the hall, she tells him she does want to be freed from it. Quote, every single day. Imagine your partner saying that about you, even if it's not directly to you. I love Jackie, but I hate it. It's literally like torture to me.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Why did he say Natalie Dadley? Why would you say it? He's so mean. You is like, Being in heaven because I'm an angel.

[Natalie]

It's horrible.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

It's a horrible thing to say.

[Natalie]

It is.

[Jackie]

It's a very mean thing to say. And I.

[Natalie]

At least. I mean, she's not saying it too.

[Jackie]

Hypaxia.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

No, but. But still.

[Natalie]

Well, but also, I feel like this.

[Jackie]

Is her also trying to kind of.

[Natalie]

Like connect with Hunt because I.

[Jackie]

You know, she knows his past, knows he's got some issues with love.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I got issues.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

You got him too.

[Jackie]

Get in line.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah, I could see both sides. I. Yeah, I think it's. I would break my heart if I heard, like, Henry say that to somebody.

[Natalie]

Yes, but unless he. Well, what if he was talking about.

[Jackie]

Your vagina being a trap? Like, it's like a finger trap. Like, in a good way. Yeah, like. Like, like. Like vagina dentata. Like. Like he's trapped in you.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I don't want anyone to feel trapped in me. Ever. In any capacity. Okay, we'll have to table all this for the time being because now we're with Tharion, who is trying not to stare at the clock, waiting for this night to be over with even seeing the River Queen's daughter's joy and elation at being at this ball.

[Jackie]

My date with the River Queen's Daughter.

[Natalie]

Remember that song, My Date with the President's Daughter.

[Jackie]

I think that it was from a.

[Natalie]

Disney movie called My Date with the President's Daughter.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Vaguely remember that. Yes.

[Natalie]

Date with the River Queen's Daughter.

[Jackie]

And then all of a sudden, it's.

[Natalie]

Just like a bunch of trombones come out.

[Jackie]

Yeah, like little ska esque little.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Like Less than Jake or something.

[Natalie]

I'm gonna throw it out there.

[Jackie]

I bet Darian could get down on some scar. Of course, I feel like he's a little Scarboy.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

He's a little Scarboy. You know, he even like seeing her. Her happiness doesn't bring him out of the dread. He had no choice but to escort her after all. So it doesn't really take him out of this. He recalls waiting for her earlier in the evening on the dock where he would receive her from a fancy boat piloted by white swans. Very, very Cinderella's carriage escrow. Just like. Jesus. Jesus Christ.

[Jackie]

It is. It's too much. But I do. It would be funny if the swans were just like Jersey bus drivers. They're like smoking cigarettes like, hey, yeah, I gotta drive off. Precious cargo.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yeah.

[Jackie]

Oh, yeah. I don't know why she gets a swim here.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I do like the concept of that. Hardened swans. They're mean. Swans are mean. They are. They're very aggressive. I shouldn't say mean. That is not true. They're just being swans. Yeah.

[Natalie]

Are you just birdist?

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I'm a little birdist. So he also is recalling in this memory that beyond this, like, ethereal view of the River Queen's daughter coming all behind them, the Sobecks were trailing close. And it's to send a message that you're not actually safe and she is to be protected at all costs. He was also, at the same time had received a letter the Queen had sent, warning him that the daughter may have one glass of wine and that she must be back by 1:00am Mama, stop.

[Jackie]

Let me have another cup of wine.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

One glass of wine.

[Natalie Jean]

Wine.

[Natalie]

Mom, how am I supposed to dance.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Mama?

[Jackie]

But I do think it would be cool if everywhere you went, you did have a. Like a trail of sobex behind you just to be like, the fuck with me.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Sure.

[Jackie]

Right?

[Jackie Zabrowski]

It'd get everything real slimy, though, behind you. Yeah. So everybody else would just slip.

[Jackie]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. They've got the snail trail behind me. And they go, from you? And I'm like, no, from them.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

It's from them. There. He notes it's nearing 12:30. Looking at his watch with relief, then looks up to see the River Queen's daughter had caught him checking the time and is frowning. She suggests him that he's not having very much fun. He says, no, of course I am.

[Jackie]

Baby, baby, please, baby, babe, babe, babe. Look at how much fun I'm having watching you have one glass of wine over seven hours.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

He's also doing the thing where he's like, I don't wanna dance.

[Natalie]

Yeah, no, he's being a shit. Like, he's being a shit. Here's the thing. I know you're upset about your situation, Therian, but it's not the River Queen's daughter. Like, go have a good time then.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I know.

[Natalie]

Have a good time.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Also, let her have fun. She pouty asks why his friends aren't coming by to talk to them. He kind of just says, they have a lot of stuff to do, baby. They got. Oh, they're busy. Busy babes.

[Jackie]

All of them busy. They're all just standing across the room, not doing anything. Yeah, they're real. Don't look over at them. No, no, they're very busy.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

They got. Their jobs are so hard. You don't. Can't even tell.

[Jackie]

We can't even ask what your name is. So don't worry. We don't have the time to know.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

What your name is. So after he Kind of looks at her for a minute after she says this instead of. He like takes himself out of his normal self pity and frustration. And he looks at her in the eye. Her hopeful gaze, her naivety, her vulnerability. With him. There she is.

[Jackie]

Everyone always says the men love the naiveted in my eye. Yeah, exactly. That's it. That's the look that gets him. So did it just happen for you? Sorry. Sorry. To seduce you through the YouTube.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

He wonders if he is as bad as her mother because he has ruined her night. And for what? His own actions. He's the one who put himself in the situation.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Yeah.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

After thinking for a moment, he turns to one of her bodyguards and asks him to sweep her around the dance floor for a song.

[Natalie]

Therian, this is like. You're giving me such a big ick right now.

[Jackie]

This is.

[Natalie]

This icks me.

[Jackie]

I don't like.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I agree that this is sort of a cowardly way out because this is how sometimes people act in the real world whenever they don't want to be with somebody more, they just like hurt their feelings. Yeah, but at least he's trying to end it, so. Yes, it's not my favorite either. So he. She looks surprised, but he insists the guard, who is more than thrilled to oblige. Oh, and the. Well, because they're all in love with her. And the River Queen's daughter is slightly confused, but doesn't seem mortified at having a chance at the dance floor after being stood next to this gloomy Gus all night. He tells him to have a fun time and that he'd be right back. He walks across the room having made a decision. He's not sure if it's a good idea or he might even be killed for it, but he's firmly decided that enough is enough. It's been 10 years. He glances behind him to see the River Queen's daughter and her guard on the dance floor, both smiling and looking happy.

[Natalie Jean]

Good. She deserved that. Mother or not. Temper or not, she deserves someone to make her happy.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

And now he goes on to Project Theory. And up.

[Jackie]

Yeah, now it's like, oh, I gotta get. I gotta get my legs wet. And then I gotta get my dick wet.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Yep. He heads to a bar in the ballroom. Scans it, looking for the hottest female close by. A sexy leopard shifter with a fine ass. Dunkin Asses settles near him. Here goes nothing. He pulls a corny line. And she takes the bait.

[Natalie Jean]

She had the ease and grace of a movie star. Probably was one if she was important enough to be here. That full mouth curled in a smile.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Is that your attempt at a pickup line?

[Natalie Jean]

He knew that sultry tone. So Tharion ordered his whiskey and said to the stranger, you wanted to be ghoul.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Oh, so he is going to seemingly parade himself in front of the River Queen's daughter.

[Natalie]

You're an idiot, bro. You're an idiot.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

And I think we've all gone through that with somebody who's not courageous enough to just say like, I'm. I don't. We don't. I don't want to be.

[Jackie]

I don't want to be with you anymore.

[Natalie]

That doesn't have to do a hurtful.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Thing in front of you.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

Oh, I think.

[Natalie]

I think a lot of us have been in that relationship.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

I think most of us have. Right?

[Guest/Additional Voice]

I think a lot of us have.

[Natalie]

And man, nothing makes me want to.

[Jackie]

Burn the world to the ground than shit like that.

[Guest/Additional Voice]

No, don't.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Not in your archangel costume. You're gonna explode us.

[Jackie]

Not when I'm all horny for someone I can't have.

[Natalie]

What's an angel to do, Natalie?

[Jackie]

I mean, I guess I'd the background actor in the audience.

[Jackie Zabrowski]

Okay, cool.

[Jackie]

Sorry. Yeah, I. Maybe you're a shifter.

[Natalie]

Please read up until chapter 63 for next week.

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[Jackie Zabrowski]

So what are you waiting for?

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