With Valentine’s Day around the corner, love is on everyone's mind. But beyond roses and chocolates, there’s something even more important to consider—how your attachment style and love language shape the way you give and receive love.

Whether you're spending Valentine’s Day with a partner, family, friends, or enjoying your own company, understanding these concepts can help you strengthen your current relationships or prepare for healthier connections in the future.

In my latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube), I take a deeper dive into attachment styles and love languages, but this newsletter will introduce you to the basics of each concept and how they interact.

How Attachment Styles and Love Languages Interact

Your attachment style influences how you connect with others, while your love language determines how you express and receive affection. Recognizing these patterns can reveal why certain expressions of love resonate more with you than others.

* Anxious Attachment – May prefer words of affirmation, as verbal reassurances help soothe their fears of abandonment.

* Avoidant Attachment – Often gravitates toward acts of service or receiving gifts, as these forms of love feel less emotionally intense.

* Secure Attachment – Typically values physical touch and quality time, thriving on closeness and emotional stability.

* Disorganized Attachment – Love languages may shift unpredictably—some days craving affirmations, other days pulling away despite a desire for closeness.

Understanding your attachment style and love language can help reduce misunderstandings, build trust, and create stronger emotional bonds.

The Four Primary Attachment Styles

Developed by psychologist John Bowlby, attachment theory explains how early caregiving experiences shape the way we bond in adulthood. Here are the four primary attachment styles:

* Secure Attachment – Feels comfortable with intimacy and independence, trusts easily, and navigates conflicts in a healthy way. Typically stems from nurturing, responsive caregivers. Studies suggest 25-40% of people have a secure attachment style most of the time.

* Anxious Attachment – Craves closeness but fears abandonment. May overanalyze messages, appear clingy, or need frequent reassurance. This often results from inconsistent caregiving. About 25% of the population falls into this category.

* Avoidant Attachment – Highly values independence and may struggle with emotional closeness. Often shuts down during conflicts. This can develop from emotionally distant or dismissive caregiving. Another 25% of the population falls into this group.

* Disorganized Attachment – A mix of anxious and avoidant traits, leading to unpredictable relationship behaviors. May crave connection but simultaneously push people away. Often linked to early trauma or inconsistent caregiving. Around 15% of people exhibit this attachment style.

Understanding your attachment style helps you identify what you need from relationships and which of the five love languages best support your emotional well-being.

The Five Love Languages

Popularized by Dr. Gary Chapman, love languages describe how individuals express and receive love. The five main love languages are:

* Words of Affirmation – Expressing love through verbal appreciation, praise, or encouragement.

* Acts of Service – Demonstrating love through helpful actions, such as making a meal or handling errands.

* Receiving Gifts – Feeling loved through meaningful and thoughtful gifts.

* Quality Time – Valuing undivided attention, meaningful conversations, and shared activities.

* Physical Touch – Expressing love through physical closeness, such as hugs, hand-holding, or a comforting touch.

How to Discover and Align Love Languages and Attachment Styles

Here are some exercises to help you explore how you give and receive love in both romantic and platonic relationships. These techniques foster deeper understanding and emotional connection. Even if you’re single, they can be transformative.

For Romantic Relationships:

* Take a Love Language and Attachment Style Quiz – Here’s the link to my FREE attachment style quiz here. Compare results with your partner. Discuss how your love language and attachment style influence your relationship dynamics.

* Personalized Expression of Love – Tailor daily gestures to match your partner's love language. For example, if they value acts of service, surprise them by completing a task they dislike. If their love language is physical touch, initiate warm hugs or hold their hand.

* Core 3 Reflection – Identify which role your partner plays in your Core 3: Are they your Mentor (offering wisdom and guidance), Encourager (uplifting and supporting you), or Challenger (pushing you to grow)?

* Show Gratitude – Acknowledge your partner’s role in your life. A simple statement like, “I appreciate how you always encourage me to follow my dreams,” can deepen your bond.

For Singles (Friends or Family):

* Identify Your Love Language and Attachment Style – Take my attachment style quiz, then reflect on how you prefer to give and receive love. Then, consider the love language of a close friend or family member.

* Express Love Intentionally – Show appreciation in a way that aligns with their love language. If they value words of affirmation, write them a heartfelt note. If they prefer quality time, plan an afternoon together.

* Core 3 Reflection – Recognize the key people in your support system. Is your best friend your Encourager, always cheering you on? Maybe a sibling is your Challenger, helping you face difficult truths.

* Practice Gratitude – Acknowledge the positive impact your loved ones have in your life. Saying, “Thank you for always believing in me,” can strengthen your connection.

Strengthen Your Relationships Today

By understanding both your own and others’ attachment styles and love languages, you can build more fulfilling, supportive relationships. Integrating the Core 3 framework ensures you nurture connections that encourage growth, trust, and emotional well-being.

Sharing is caring—pass this along to someone who might benefit from these insights.

I hope these exercises help you deepen your relationships, celebrate meaningful connections, and cultivate gratitude for the roles people play in your life. Because ultimately, that’s what love is all about.

The New Rules of Attachment Paperback!

I’m so excited to share that the New Rules of Attachment Paperback was just released on February 11!

Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF

Check out my TEDxReno talk

Visit my website!

Take my Attachment Styles Quiz!

Follow me on LinkedIn

Follow me on Instagram

Follow me on Facebook

Follow me on X

Follow me on TikTok

About me:

Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neurop...

How Attachment Styles and Love Languages Shape Your Connections

Powered by Wave AI