The 7 Traits Emotionally Strong People Practice Every Day | Dr. Emily Anhalt | Mental Health | E42

Summary

Miracle Mentality with Tim Storey

Episode 42: The 7 Traits Emotionally Strong People Practice Every Day

Guest: Dr. Emily Anhalt, Psychologist & Emotional Fitness Expert
Release Date: June 1, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this inspiring and practical episode, Tim Storey talks with Dr. Emily Anhalt about developing emotional fitness—a proactive, daily practice of building the inner strength necessary not just to survive, but to thrive. Dr. Anhalt shares her research and experience behind the seven core traits emotionally strong people cultivate every day. Together, they explore how emotional fitness compares to physical fitness, the importance of relationships, the myth of forever in relationships, and the need for self-awareness and playfulness in a chaotic world.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Emotional Fitness vs. Mental Health

Timestamp: 03:29 – 04:39

• Definition: Dr. Anhalt emphasizes that emotional fitness is a practice developed continuously, much like physical fitness, rather than a remedial action in response to crisis.

• Importance: Building emotional strength now helps us handle current and future challenges and can potentially prevent long-term emotional problems.

  “Emotional fitness is a practice. It’s proactive, ongoing, something you do a little bit every day so you get more emotionally strong and more emotionally healthy.”
  — Dr. Emily Anhalt (04:00)

2. Why High Performers Ignore Emotional Health

Timestamp: 05:10 – 06:11

• Stigma: Societal attitudes make it seem like therapy or emotional work is only for when “things fall apart.”

• Avoidance: There's discomfort in facing difficult feelings head on, leading people to procrastinate.

  “That’s a little like waiting until you have heart disease to do cardio.”
  — Dr. Emily Anhalt (05:53)

3. Early Warning Signs You’re Emotionally Out of Shape

Timestamp: 08:39 – 09:38

• Relationships as a Mirror: Difficulty in relationships, recurring unhealthy patterns, or lack of support are key red flags.
• General Dissatisfaction: Lack of purpose, feeling owned by emotions, or emotional numbness are also signs.

4. The Myth of ‘Forever’ in Relationships

Timestamp: 10:01 – 10:50

• Cultural Expectation: There’s a misconception that relationships must last a lifetime to count.

• Reality Check: It's healthy and normal for some relationships to end naturally.

  “It’s okay for some people to have an important impact on our life but for us not to carry those forward if they’re no longer right.”
  — Dr. Emily Anhalt (10:38)

5. The Seven Traits of Emotional Fitness

Timestamp: 12:46 – 41:09

Dr. Anhalt’s book, Flex Your Feelings: Train Your Brain to Develop the Seven Traits of Emotional Fitness, presents these core traits, each described and discussed in the episode.

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Trait 1: Mindfulness

Timestamp: 12:46 – 15:53
Becoming comfortable with discomfort; building the stamina to “push through” emotionally challenging situations.

• Quote:

  “Everything you want in life lives on the other side of some discomfort.”
  — Dr. Emily Anhalt (13:52)

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Trait 2: Curiosity

Timestamp: 16:04 – 19:17
Replacing defensiveness with a growth mindset; staying open to feedback and new experiences.

• Exercise (Emotional Push-up):
  Send a message to someone close asking for one thing you do well and one thing you could do 10% better in the relationship, then observe your reactions.

• Quote:

  “Sitting in that moment of learning something about yourself through another person’s eyes—that is an incredible chance to practice being curious.”
  — Dr. Emily Anhalt (17:55)

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Trait 3: Self-Awareness

Timestamp: 21:33 – 26:53
Understanding one’s own strengths, triggers, and areas for growth; peeling back “layers of paint” placed by upbringing, relationships, and expectations.

• Ways to Build Self-Awareness:

  • Therapy: “A powerful way to become more self aware.” (22:59)
  • Journaling: Even one line a day.
  • Soliciting feedback from trusted people.

• Quote:

  “We’re very layered humans and we're unaware of a lot of those layers.”
  — Dr. Emily Anhalt (22:59)

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Trait 4: Resilience

Timestamp: 32:30 – 37:52
“Bouncing forward” (not back) after setbacks and failure; using tough experiences as springboards for growth.

• Response Tips:

  • Avoid both extremes: total avoidance or being stuck in despair.
  • Allow for both feeling emotions and moving forward.
  • Prioritize rest and recovery after emotional exertion.

• Quote:

  “It’s not about moving backwards. It’s about facing the tough thing…feeling it, and then using it as a springboard to move forward and to get stronger.”
  — Dr. Emily Anhalt (32:55)

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Trait 5: Empathy

Timestamp: 38:02 – 38:40
Not just understanding, but feeling what another is experiencing without making their problem your own. Empathy is distinct from sympathy.

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Trait 6: Communication

Timestamp: 38:42 – 40:45
Voicing needs, expectations, and boundaries; addressing conflict early; developing the skill and muscle of authentic communication.

• Discussion:
  Many men, in particular, struggle with direct communication due to societal conditioning and preference for action-based connection (e.g., playing golf rather than sitting across a table).

• Quote:

  “If you practice communicating, you’ll get better at communicating, and we underestimate how much of a skill it actually is.”
  — Dr. Emily Anhalt (40:37)

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Trait 7: Playfulness

Timestamp: 40:51 – 42:57
Integrating joy, play, and levity as a pillar of wellbeing; allowing for “yes, and…” moments and actively cultivating fun—even (especially) amid responsibility.

• Tim’s Story:
  “I pulled up my suit pants all the way past my knees and walked into the ocean…because I am playing so far over my head… I wanted to go from that heaviness to the playfulness of being in the ocean in an expensive suit.”
  — Tim Storey (41:09)

• Research:
  Regular play is statistically linked with longer life span.

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Other Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Parental Individuation:

  “The whole point of parenting is to work yourself out of a job.”
  — Dr. Emily Anhalt (15:02)

• On Pets vs. Human Relationships:

  “The love of a pet is so powerful...but my experience is that most people who say, ‘My pet is all I need,’ what they’re really saying is, ‘I don’t feel confident that I can find the kind of love that I want or need in other human beings.”
  — Dr. Emily Anhalt (30:53)

• On Taking Breaks:

  “If you just keep powering through, you risk injury…not giving your body the rest it needs.”
  — Dr. Emily Anhalt (36:25)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 03:29 – Emotional fitness vs. mental health
• 05:10 – The stigma of therapy
• 08:39 – Early signs of emotional stagnation
• 10:01 – Myths about relationships needing to last forever
• 12:46 – Seven Traits: Introduction & Mindfulness
• 16:04 – Curiosity and how to exercise it
• 21:33 – Self-awareness and removing “layers”
• 32:30 – Resilience: bouncing forward
• 38:02 – Empathy: what it really means
• 38:42 – Communication as a practice, especially for men
• 40:51 – Playfulness and its link to longevity

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Follow Dr. Emily Anhalt

• Website: dremilyanhalt.com
• Social: @dremilyanhalt on all platforms
• Book: Flex Your Feelings: Train Your Brain to Develop the Seven Traits of Emotional Fitness (Available everywhere books are sold)

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Final Takeaway

Dr. Emily Anhalt’s message is clear: Emotional strength is not something you wait to develop in crisis—it’s a daily practice. By working on these seven core traits, anyone can build resilience, deepen relationships, and add more happiness and boldness to life. Tim Storey and Dr. Anhalt encourage listeners to start small, flex their “emotional muscles,” and never stop cultivating a “miracle mentality.”

“You may not be what you want to be, but thank God you’re not what you used to be. Life is still good. Think with a miracle mentality.”
— Tim Storey (44:01)

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Transcript

[A]

Hello, my name is Tim Storey. Welcome to Miracle Mentality.

[B]

Remember, rooftops drawing spaceships on the ground.

[A]

It's for the dreamers, the doers, the believers in something greater. In each episode, I'll invite you to rise above the mundane, to push past the messy and learn to live boldly in the miraculous. Every episode will have practical wisdom, spiritual insight, and my guests will explore what it takes to activate your miracle mindset. Remember to subscribe, follow, and life. Welcome to the Miracle Mentality podcast. Hope you're having a good day, hope your weeks have been good. I want to thank you guys for constantly telling other people about this podcast. We're living in the top 10 almost every single week in the categories that I like, education and leadership on almost every platform. So that says a lot about you and the guests that we're bringing on. So this podcast is all about making our lives better. And there's no doubt about it, the guests that I have on today, you are going to love. So we are joined today by Emily Anault. She is a psychologist, emotional fitness expert. What a great tag there. Emotional fitness expert who is changing the way we think about mental and emotional well being. She believes emotional health isn't just something you fix when things fall apart, it's something you train, just like your body. Dr. Emily, good to see you.

[B]

Good to see you as well. Thank you so much for having me.

[A]

So when you went to the University of Michigan, did you ever go to any football games?

[B]

Oh, of course, Absolutely. That was one of the best parts

[A]

of it because that's such an amazing stadium and they fit so many human beings in there.

[B]

Yeah, the big house.

[A]

So what made you decide to go to that university when you could have gone to so many? Because you later go to Northern California. But when you went to University of Michigan, what was the decision?

[B]

I grew up in the Bay Area and my family's from New York. And when I was thinking about where to go for school, my parents said, look, California is as good as it gets. We know you're gonna be back. You should leave and see what the rest of the country is like and meet other types of people. And so I largely applied outside of California and I have an aunt who went to University of Michigan. And when I went to visit to see what the campus was like, everyone was head to toe, Michigan clothes. Everyone just seemed so proud to go there. And the spirit of it all really drew me in and I ended up deciding to go there.

[A]

Yes. So, Dr. Emily, I feel like the world has backed up into your skill Set in such a huge way. And in watching probably three hours of interviews on you to get ready to dialogue with you today, I found myself going past the fact that I knew enough to interview you to where I was getting really, really challenged and changed by a lot of the brilliant things that you talk about, but one of the things you talk about is inner strength to handle pressure setbacks that we go through. Talk to me a little bit about the inner strength that we can develop to handle life's challenges.

[B]

I think we all have wrapped our mind around the idea that to face the everyday physical demands of life, Training our body in an ongoing way is going to be really beneficial. You know, we go to the gym, we go for runs, we work out not only so that we can be stronger now, but also so that we can prevent illness and be better in the long term in terms of our health. And my goal with my work was to help people understand that the same is true with our emotional health. That as you build inner strength, as you build your emotional fitness, not only will you be able to handle more of life's difficult moments now, but also you'll be less likely to face the emotional struggles down the line that a lot of people grapple with. I think that if kids were given emotional fitness tools right from the beginning, instances of depression and anxiety and stress, and all kinds of things would come way down because we would have the tools that we needed to deal with things as they happened. So that is my goal, to help people flex their emotional muscles and build that strength so that they can handle life.

[A]

You talk about emotional fitness instead of just mental health. What's the difference? And why does that distinction matter so much?

[B]

So if you think about physical fitness versus physical health, physical fitness is a practice. It's something that you are working on all the time. And the more you work on your physical fitness, the stronger your physical health will be. So it's the same with emotional fitness. Emotional fitness is a practice. It's something that you're working on. And the more you commit yourself to emotional fitness, the stronger your emotional health will be. The whole idea is that it's proactive, it's ongoing, it's something you do a little bit every day so that you get more emotionally strong and more emotionally healthy.

[A]

Okay, why do so many successful people seem to ignore their emotional health until something breaks?

[B]

There's so many reasons for this. You know, firstly, I think there's a lot of stigma in our society. It's changing, it's coming down a little bit, but there's still a lot of stigma about working on mental health. Therapy is seen as this thing that you only do when things are really falling apart or if you have some kind of diagnosable disorder. And so I don't know that people feel like they have the permission and the tools and the support to work on things when everything is mostly great. And that's what I'm really trying to change. The other thing about it is it's difficult work, it's really uncomfortable, it's hard to feel difficult feelings. We avoid things because it doesn't always feel great to move directly into our discomfort. And so it's easy to just say, ah, I'll deal with that later if it gets bad. But that's a little like waiting until you have heart disease to do cardio. You wanna work on your emotional health before things are really bad. And that will actually prevent you from having as much struggle.

[A]

Help me out with something. Let's say if you were having lunch with a girlfriend. I think so many times when I'm dialoguing with my friends, they feel pressure to always take everything to the extreme and beyond. And it's interesting to me because I've been a therapist and a life coach for over three decades and I've never seen so many people that are life coaches today. Right. So you could be on TikTok and everybody's giving advice or any social media platform. And so much of the advice is, you know, get on your grind, beat the sun up and all that kind of thing. I think sometimes people are playing too much outside their comfort zone and they're putting too much pressure on themselves. Where if you go back Maybe into the 30s and the 40s, a lot more people seem to slow down to the speed of life. Do you think for the most part as a culture we're putting too much pressure on ourselves or how do you feel about that?

[B]

That's a good question. I don't know if I have a perfect answer. I think really we might be putting the wrong kind of pressure on ourselves. I do think we each need to challenge ourselves to show up and work on ourselves, grow our self awareness and take challenge ourselves to become better versions of ourselves. Work on our relationships in an ongoing way, make sure that we don't become complacent about the connections we have in the world. I think all of that is true, but this idea of the way to get there is just to constantly be grinding. I don't necessarily know that that's true. Sometimes the hardest work is slowing down. Is Being still, it's just sitting with ourselves and becoming more comfortable, being uncomfortable. So I do think, think we should challenge ourselves to work hard, but we should be thoughtful about what that actually looks like.

[A]

So good. I like that. I think that's really good balance in understanding the goal, but also being alive in the moment. Question what are some early warning signs that someone is emotionally out of shape even if their life looks successful? So again, most of the people that I work with, whether it be athletes, entertainers, CEOs, it's so easy for them to look the part because they probably have the money to do it. But yet if I get around them for maybe a period of several hours or maybe even several days, you see that they are showing signs of falling apart on the inside. So what are some of the early warning signs that someone shows that they're emotionally out of shape?

[B]

This could look like so many things. One of the things that I think is very important is to look at the quality of our relationships. As Sarah Perel said, the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our life. And a lot of emotional fitness is about improving the relationship you have to yourself and to others. So if you feel like your relationships aren't healthy in any kind of way, if you don't feel like you're showing up the way you want, if you don't feel like the people in your life are supporting you, or you keep getting into the same type of unhealthy relationship over and over again, that's a really good sign that there are things to examine. Other early warning signs are things like just feeling unsatisfied with life, not feeling like you have meaning or purpose, not feeling like you're showing up as your best self, just feeling like your emotions kind of own you, or on the other side, that your emotions are very far away and that they don't feel accessible at all, all of these things, I think, are a good sign that it's time to start flexing those emotional muscles.

[A]

Yes. So, you know, a lot of times people talk about relationships and they say, you know, some people are with you for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I saw in a writing that you did about some relationships are really not meant to go until we die, some relationships we truly grow out of, or they're unhealthy. Talk to me a little bit about that.

[B]

I think there's this huge misconception in our culture that a relationship has to last forever for it to be worth having. And I think that's really problematic. We're living Three times longer than we did when a lot of our institutions were being put into place. And I think there's something really beautiful about being grateful and present with something in the moment versus feeling like it needs to last your entire life. So I've seen a lot of people stay in relationships that are no longer serving them or that aren't good for them and anymore because they feel like if they were to end those relationships, it would somehow undo the entire relationship. Like, it doesn't count if it doesn't last forever. And I really disagree. I think it's okay for some people to have an important impact on our life, but for us not to carry those forward with us if they're no longer the right type of relationship for our current moment.

[A]

I think that when I saw that you had written that. So my background, I went to seminary. My doctorate's in world religion. I really liked what you said because I know a lot of married couples that are just miserable. And I think sometimes because of religion or because of familial expectations, that they just stay in that misery. And I don't really think that that's healthy for people after a period of time. So thank you for being wise enough to challenge the way some people have had this fixed mindset on. You have to stay with misery.

[B]

Well, I appreciate your perspective because I think a lot of people struggle with that. It's a hard thing to wrap your mind around that maybe what we've been taught is not the only healthy way.

[A]

Okay, tell us the name of your latest book that you have right now.

[B]

Absolutely. The book that I wrote that came out last year, 2025, is called Flex your feelings, Train your brain to develop the seven traits of emotional fitness.

[A]

Yeah, I wanted you to say it even though I have it written down, because I thought that that was so cool.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

How did you come up with that doggone title? Because that is very unique.

[B]

I'm always telling people we have to flex our feels. The idea is giving a metaphor. People can wrap their mind around comparing it to physical health. You know, you need to flex your physical muscles. Well, guess what? You need to flex your emotional muscles, too. And I wanted people to have a concrete representation of that to wrap their mind around and also shout out to my publisher, who helped me figure out the exact title.

[A]

I love that. And I love the title, too. And I like the book cover. They did a good job. So the seven traits of emotional fitness. When you talk about self, awareness, empathy, play, curiosity, resilience, mindfulness, communication, which one of those you want to tackle first the seven traits of emotional fitness.

[B]

Maybe we start at the beginning, because I put them in a particular order to help people build them as they go. And the first one is mindfulness. And when I talk about mindfulness, there's so many ways to think about mindfulness. I define it as becoming more comfortable, being uncomfortable. And that trait is first, because any kind of emotional fitness work is going to be a little uncomfortable. Just like if you walked into the gym and you said, all right, I'm only going to work out until I'm at all physically uncomfortable, then I'm going to stop. You're never going to get any stronger. You know, you have to push through that discomfort a little bit. And that's the same with emotional fitness. You have to get a little bit comfortable being a little bit uncomfortable in order to get stronger and grow.

[A]

I like that. And I think that that's like when a child has to go to kindergarten. And I remember me, even though I'm an extrovert, I was nervous because it was like all these new kids, new rules, nap time, milk and cookies. So give me a little more about why that's very important for us to stretch ourselves a little more.

[B]

Well, ultimately, I think it comes down to the fact that everything you want in life lives on the other side of some discomfort. There is just no growing or becoming stronger or better or reaching our goals or deepening our relationships. None of that happens without a little bit of discomfort. And so the more able you are to tolerate that discomfort, the more options open up to you and the more capable you will be to move toward the best possible version of yourself.

[A]

So this is interesting. I wrote some notes on this because I think that in your way of thinking, it could even help parents when their children are finally going to go away to college. So I deal with a lot of parents. Their kids go to college and they're like, oh my gosh, Tim, they're going to be a two hour flight away. And I wish I could be there. Listen to this. I know some high profile parents that literally moved to the area of the university for like six months just to coddle the child. But I think that the child needs to separate at times. Talk to us a little bit about that. And. And it's also good for the parents.

[B]

Yeah, definitely. You're talking about something called individuation. And that is the process by which we separate ourselves from the families we grew up with and discover who we are as independent humans. And it's a really important process. And it's one of the reasons why teenagers start to always want to hang out with their friends instead of being with their family. It's even the reason why little kids, at some point, start wanting to do everything themselves. All through our life, we are practicing what it looks like to be an independent person, because at some point, that's what we have to do. And so, of course, it's uncomfortable for parents because you lose control when your kid starts to become an independent person. But really, parenting, the whole point of parenting is to work yourself out of a job. It's to give your kids the skills such that they don't need you in order to be what they want to be in life. And it's a scary process, but it's such an important one.

[A]

Wow. Individuation.

[B]

Right?

[A]

I like that. So let's go to trait number two. First one was mindfulness. Number two is.

[B]

The second one is curiosity, which I define as pursuing growth over defensiveness and just an overall continued learning. It's the idea that when someone comes to us with difficult feedback or when we have an opportunity to either get really defensive or to face difficult things and grow, that we get curious, we ask questions, we try to learn more, and we try to move toward the best version of ourself instead of staying stuck in a defensive place.

[A]

Okay, how do we grow the curiosity muscle? So, as you know, little kids, when they're finding their way, they'll say, what is that? That's a car. What is that? That's an orange. What is that? That's a tree. So a lot of it is the curiosity of what is that? Okay, I feel like a lot of people that love to travel. It's part of the curiosity of wanting to go to Venice to see what that's like. Madrid, Spain. What is that? Like curiosity. How can we continue to build the curiosity muscle so we don't stay in the fixed mindset, but instead we continue to stay curious?

[B]

Well, I can give you what I call an emotional pushup for this one. This is a little emotional exercise you can do to strengthen your curiosity. If you're up for it, I'm ready. So what I would recommend that people do, and I actually do this every month, is send a text message or an email to someone in your life who you interact with regularly. And in that message, I want you to say, hey, I'm working on my emotional fitness, and I'm working on being more curious about myself. And I'm hoping you can share what is one thing I'm doing well as A friend, as a parent, as a boss, you know, whatever it might be. And what's one thing I could do 10% better in this relationship? And then see what comes back to you and notice how you feel when you read that feedback. Do you feel upset and defensive? Does it feel like a surprise? Does it reinforce something you already know? Sitting in that moment of learning something about yourself through another person's eyes, that is an incredible chance to practice being curious. And instead of feeling like you have to defend yourself or tell them why they're wrong, just sit with it and see how it feels. And in doing that, you're strengthening that, that curiosity muscle.

[A]

I really like this. So I saw you talk about this with a couple that interviewed you. It was a husband and wife and you said that you do this yourself.

[B]

Definitely.

[A]

I think that's pretty cool. So it's not like you know that you have it all together, but you'll send that type of text of something that you can change and get a little better at. I really like that exercise. I think that that's scary territory for some people because they're almost afraid what's going to come back. But I really do like that exercise.

[B]

Well, that scary territory that you're talking about, that's why mindfulness is first. First we have to work on getting comfortable, being a little uncomfortable. Then once we have that skill, then we can put that to work and start doing things that will allow us to grow. So yeah, it's definitely scary to get feedback, but it's such a powerful thing to get a better idea of how people are perceiving us. So that's what I'd recommend. Everyone send that text message to someone in your life today.

[A]

Okay, so Dr. Emily, let me be a life coach for a second. Okay?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You're very good in communication. You're very good at writing. You did a lot of one on one therapy, counseling, still doing that, working with companies. How much are you doing on stages right now? Are you on stages quite a bit? Speaking. It seems like you did a TED talk.

[B]

Yes, I've done two TEDx talks and I do a good amount of public speaking. It's one of my favorite types of work that I do. I love to get on stage and help people think about the importance of their emotional fitness. So I speak at different companies that want to support their employees in becoming more emotionally fit. I speak at conferences, things like that.

[A]

Okay, give me one of these things that it's was out of your comfort zone at first, was it the speaking? Was it the lecturing at universities. What was it?

[B]

I would say that when I first started public speaking, I definitely dealt with the physiological discomfort that comes from being on stage. My hands would be shaky, my heart would beat really fast. My body would be telling me that something was really scary. And I had to deal with that discomfort and just practice it again and again and again until eventually my body learned that I was safe and it stopped sending those signals. So now when I get on stage, I don't feel those things as much anymore.

[A]

I'm believing that you're enjoying this podcast, the miracle mentality. And so the best way to help other people is to share it with a friend, a family member, or even a colleague. We work hard on getting the right types of guests that will make your life go from the mundane, the messy, the madness into the miracle mentality. Don't forget, your mindset is yours to set. So make sure and share this with someone else. And then tag me at Tim Story Official. That's Tim Story Official. Thank you for making this one of the most listened to and watched podcasts out there in the world. And guess what? Get ready for miracles to come come your way. Okay, so I'm talking to Dr. Emily about the seven traits of emotional fitness. So first one she talked about was mindfulness. Second, curiosity. What would be number three?

[B]

So the third one is self awareness. So once you're able to get curious and let your defensiveness go a little bit, then behind that, you're going to have an opportunity to learn more about yourself. You're going to understand what are your strengths, what are your areas of growth, what are your triggers, what are your biases? What are the things that you need to work on in order to have a healthier relationship with yourself and others?

[A]

Yes. Okay, can we unpack this for a minute?

[B]

Of course.

[A]

So I think you're gonna like this story. So an older friend of mine named Wally who lives in Denver, for some reason, he likes to go to yard sales, garage sales. I thought those were out of style, but not for Wally. Okay, so he says, tim, you're one of the few guys that's gonna like this story. I went to a yard sale in Denver. I got a chair. I decided to sand it by hand. Okay. He said the first layer of paint was orange. He thought he's going to go to the wood next. Orange, he says, then yellow, then red. He couldn't believe all these layers of paint until he finally gets to the wood. I think that that's how a lot of people are, that people have put these layers of paint on them, Whether it be religion or a relationship they got in that a man or woman wanted them to be this way, or their parents wanted to be this way, or their coaches or mentors. Right. How do we get down to the core of who we really are?

[B]

Oh, I love that metaphor. And I so agree. We're very layered humans and we're unaware of a lot of those layers. We don't even realize how much some of that hidden stuff is really affecting us. So for people who want to work on their self awareness, I recommend three places to start. The first one is therapy. Therapy is such a powerful way to become more self aware. It's a chance to really dig into those layers and understand what they can teach you. Highly recommend that. Second one is having a regular journaling practice writing even just one line a day about how you feel or what's going on with you. And it's a really powerful thing to create a little space between the thoughts in your head and how it feels once you see them down on paper. And then the third recommendation I have is asking for feedback, checking in with the people in your life, asking them to tell you what we talked about, what you're doing. Well, what could go better? Because sometimes it's hard to learn more about yourself unless you can see yourself through the eyes of another person.

[A]

Yes, let's get into relationships because I think that you could be the right person with the right plan. But you know as well as me you have to have the right partners in your life. And we talked about that a little bit earlier and I feel that a lot of people, they many times settle in who they're dating and even who they marry just because they're like, not that they're going to miss the train completely, but they're like, you know, maybe I'm too picky, so I'm going to kind of settle for this type of person and maybe they cannot be themselves with that person. Why is it so important to maintain your own originality and really who you are in a romantic relationship?

[B]

You know, it sounds so cliche, but until we feel confident in our ability to, to give ourselves some of what we need, we will sometimes seek what we need in the wrong places. So self awareness is really powerful thing because we get to know who am I, why am I drawn towards certain types of people or why am I turned off by certain types of people and are those patterns kind of from the past and not really serving me in my current life? So I work with so many People, for example, who grew up in environments where they weren't treated very well by the people in their life, their parents didn't treat them well, or their teachers or whatever it might be. And so they have this idea about themselves that maybe they're not worthy of being treated well. And what happens then is they go out and they seek partners who also won't treat them well because that's what they think love looks like. That's what they think they deserve. And until they get that awareness of why they are the way they are, it's really hard to change it. So therapy and these self awareness practices are so powerful because they're gonna set you up to have the healthiest possible type of relationship.

[A]

Yeah, I like this with the therapy, the journaling, and then looking for the proper feedback from the right kind of people.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Talk to me a little bit about role playing. So a lot of my work is in the entertainment business, and I find that a lot of entertainers, they're role playing. So if you go to see one of your favorite singers, that singer is pretty much playing a role. You could be behind the stage, they could be going through a lot of pressure with their parents or even be not feeling well health wise. They'll get on stage and boom, they know how to play that role. Okay. But I also see this in a lot of men that I work with. That relationship with their wife or their girlfriend or their fiance becomes a role that they play. They're at the job playing a role, and then they come home and play a role. Tell me about role playing. Is it something that can be healthy? Is it something that's not necessary? What are your thoughts on that?

[B]

I think my answer, like, so often as a therapist, is yes. And, you know, I think there's a healthy version of it in the sense that it's not always safe to be our full, authentic, complete self in every single part of our life. And sometimes we do have to compartmentalize. You know, sometimes we're really struggling at home, but we do still have to show up and go to work. So we do have to put that mask on a little bit. But it's very easy to start to live your life from that mask. And so, of course, it's really important that we have spaces in our life where we feel like we can take that mask off and really be who we are. I think social media has made this really complicated because there's this idea that there are all these people out there who are living these perfect lives and they're so successful and everything's going on really well. And so we compare our messy behind the scenes life to their highlight reel. That's not necessarily reflective of the whole story. So that's important to remember too, is that everyone is multilayered and complicated.

[A]

I love the balance of what you just said to compartmentalize because you're so right. If I have employees, I don't want them to say, this is just my authentic self. This is just how I am. Take it or leave it. No, not so much. You're at the job, so let's flow with the rest of the team. And I think that that's important. But you know this more than me. We do have to have places where we can be our authentic self. Is that correct?

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Is that going to be more alone or is that going to actually be with a human being?

[B]

I think ideally it's both. You know, I think ideally, when we're on our own, we feel like we can unclench and be who we are. But it's also so important to have people in our life who see us and who love us exactly the way that we are. There's this kind of trope, I'm sure you've heard of, this idea of, oh, no one's going to love you until you learn to love yourself. And I actually don't love that idea because the way we learn to love ourself is through the love of other people, ideally starting when we're young. The love our parents give us, the love our community gives us, that is the way that we learn to love ourself. And. And so as we learn to love ourself, we also have to find the people who see us and take us as we are. And that is reinforcing cycle. As you have self love and other love, everything gets stronger and better.

[A]

So I want to stand this just for a moment before I go to number four, because you're really helping people. Okay. So I also know a lot of people who they say, tim, I'm good with just my pet. I mean, I know this amazing lady that her dog is her best friend and that's where she feels most comfortable. I have to be careful because we have a lot of pet lovers that listen to me. But I would think that we need human interaction and not just pet interaction. What do you think about this idea of people just relying just on their pets and don't really want to try to get into the human interaction?

[B]

I mean, the love of a pet is so powerful and there's so much research that shows that having an animal will deeply improve your mental health because it is this kind of unconditional love. You know, it's this creature that thinks you're wonderful and wants to be with you all the time and loves you exactly the way that you are. And that is a really powerful thing. And I want that for people who want that in their life. But what can happen is we can start to feel really scared of the vulnerability of trying to find that kind of care in human beings. You know, with a pet, all you have to do is feed them and walk them, and that's all they need. And so it feels simple. And human love is so much less simple and more vulnerable. So I can understand why it's scary for some people. But my experience is that most people who say, oh, my pet is all I need, what they're really saying is, I don't feel confident that I can find the kind of love that I want or need in other human beings. And so I'm going to stay in a safer place.

[A]

So this is very interesting. So if you're working with a client that they are very connected to their pet. And I'm telling you this because I get this a lot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And where I'm challenging somebody that maybe their husband died or their wife died, and they'll say to me, you know, Tim, I'm going through grieving, I have my two dogs. And I'll say, well, you know, it could still be good, because we all need windows in life to just still go to lunch with one of your girlfriends. You don't have to put on an act. You're in a grieving period. No, but, Tim, I have my two dogs. What would you say to that person?

[B]

It would depend. Grief is such a complicated time. If what a person needs in this deep moment of grief is just to be still with their dog, I can understand that. I don't think we necessarily have to push people to be way out of their comfort zone when they're already dealing with a really hard thing.

[A]

So good. So good.

[B]

But I think over time, the goal is, as we regain some of that strength, that we enter back into the world and that we allow ourselves to feel love again. I think if I were grieving a partner like that, it might feel like a betrayal to immediately go out and try to form a bunch of new connection. Or I might just not feel like I have the energy, or I. I might just feel like I need to focus only on myself. That makes sense to me. But in the long term, people need each Other. And my hope would be that people feel like they can step outside their comfort zone a little bit to seek out that kind of connection.

[A]

Okay, I'm talking to Dr. Emily Annalt. She's a psychologist and a very smart woman. All right, so we're talking about the seven traits of emotional fitness. We've talked about three. What is number four?

[B]

Yes. So number four is resilience. And I define resilience as bouncing forward through setbacks and failures.

[A]

Yes. And you're good at this. You're very good at this. You know, USA Today calls me the original comeback coach. I'm pretty doggone good on the comeback. And I'm going to tell you something, Dr. Emil, you got this down. You are good at this. So tell us more about this.

[B]

Well, thank you so much. So the reason I say bouncing forward through setbacks and failures instead of bouncing back is that I don't think we ever really go back to being the people that we were before we went through a hard thing. And that shouldn't be the goal. It's not about moving backwards. It's about facing the tough thing that we've experienced, feeling it, and then using it as a springboard to move forward and to get stronger and to grow from. So resilience is all about accepting that sometimes life is going to throw you really difficult things. Sometimes life is requires suffering. But instead of pretending that that doesn't exist or getting stuck in it, we use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

[A]

Okay, in that category, I think you're going to like this question that I formed. I write down, when people experience setbacks, what emotions tend to show up first and how can we respond instead of react? So what emotions tend to show up first? How can we respond instead of react on the same subject?

[B]

So I think when someone's going through a really hard thing, they will often have one of two extreme reactions. They will either avoid the situation and their feelings and they'll pretend that it's not a big deal. They'll try to convince themselves that they're fine and that they should just be all good and to move forward and keep their chin up and not worry about it. Or they might have an extreme reaction in the other direction where they feel so stuck in all of the pain of it and they don't feel like there's any way out or that it will ever end or that things will ever be good again. And so resilience is really about finding the middle ground and understanding that it is important to feel your tough feelings and to face those hard things, but not to get so stuck in them that you can't move forward into the rest of your life.

[A]

Okay, help us out with this. And this is, even for myself, I think that a lot of times when people work really, really hard, they look forward to the weekend. So, oh, the weekend is coming. But a lot of us like yourself, we are working with a lot of people that have 911 situations and the fact that we're both good hearted, you could find yourself working on the weekend when you didn't plan it. So then people like us start to say, well, maybe when I go on vacation, I'm going to go on this many vacations a year. That's my time to kind of rest, reset, renew. How important is it to go to a place to reset yourself and to just heal and be okay? How important is that?

[B]

Well, I think you're talking about the importance of rest for recovery. And this would be a good place for me to bring that physical health metaphor back in that if you work out really hard and you wake up the next day and you feel super sore and your body feels really overwhelmed and tired, it's very important that you rest your body. You know, you need to eat protein, you need to sleep, you need to drink enough water, you need to let your muscles have a break so that they can come back stronger. And if you do that rest and you give your body a chance to recover, then it's going to be able to do even more the next time that you work out. And this is the same with our emotional health. When we feel overwhelmed, when we're stressed, when we're burnt out, when difficult things happen to us, if we just keep powering through, then we risk injury, we risk not giving our body the rest it needs in order to come back from the tough thing even stronger than it was before. And that's what I see people do a lot. They just try to plow right forward without giving themselves a chance to process everything that they've been through and shore up their resources to get back into things.

[A]

Okay, so, Dr. Emily, is it okay to go off script? Let's say you have a lot of things going on, like let's say with you, with your book that's selling well and you're on this big tour, you're on this tour, you're on this tour and you're doing shows, you're on this tour. Let's say you get a little bit fatigued, tired. I would say that you would believe it's okay to maybe Just take two days off that were not planned just to reset in the way Dr. Emily would like to reset, whether that's going to an Airbnb or going by the ocean and walking on the beach or. Tell me a little bit about that.

[B]

Well, you're bringing up a complicated thing, which is what happens when our commitments and our need for rest are at odds. You know, when do we decide to cancel our commitments so that we can rest? When do we push through? And of course, there's no one right answer for this, but the whole purpose of emotional fitness is that the more you learn about yourself and how much rest you do need and what is really tough on you, the more self awareness you have, all of that, the better you can plan for what it is that you're going to need. So to use your example, I know now enough about myself to know that I can't do 12 talks in a row. I'm going to need some time to rest. And so I make sure to plan that in so that I can show up as my best self as I go. And so that's what I hope is for people to start to learn what it is that they need so that they can give themselves the chance to fulfill those needs.

[A]

I can see why everybody wants to hire you. You're good.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Okay, so we have number five, six and seven. We can do it in the allotted time. What's number five?

[B]

Number five is empathy. So if self awareness is understanding your own emotions, empathy is understanding and allowing yourself to feel other people's emotions. And a big misunderstanding about empathy is that empathy has a feelings component. If you intellectually understand what someone else is feeling, but you're not feeling it at all, that's not empathy, that's sympathy. Empathy means really letting yourself feel what someone else is feeling in order to understand them. And it doesn't mean that their problem becomes your problem or that you have to fix it. It just means that you've joined them in it long enough to really have a sense of what they're going through.

[A]

Okay, number six.

[B]

Okay, so number six is communication. Putting words to your needs and expectations and boundaries. Being able to work through conflict right away instead of waiting until things get really bad and speaking up, asking for what you need, standing up for yourself, everything that has to do with communicating with other people.

[A]

One of many of the men's that I work with, one of their biggest nightmares is that, yeah, he's like a big NFL player. He's like, Tim, what am I going to do? My wife said she needs to talk to me at dinner time. He goes, I don't know what I, what it is. I didn't do anything wrong. I go, I think you're getting a little bit too paranoid. It literally had to do what she wanted to renovate the house. He was so afraid that she was going to tell him something like so deep. But it's interesting about communication with men. And I know you also a therapist for men, but in my coaching with men, back in the olden days, people like to go to lunch and just go at it with me. Now, a lot of the real powerful men that I coach, they don't want to do that. They want me to play golf with them and they want me to be hitting balls so they don't have to stare at me in the eyeballs. Why do you think that so many men have a difficult time looking people in the eyes and communicating?

[B]

I don't know if men are given the permission that they deserve to be vulnerable and to communicate and to say what they need and to take in difficult information. And especially these days, so much communication is happening online. People are out of practice. We communicate way more through text and email and video and phone than we do face to face. And so a lot of people just don't feel like they have the skills that they need in order to speak and to listen and to communicate effectively. So this is why it's one of the seven traits is it's a muscle. If you practice communicating, you'll get better at communicating and we underestimate how much of a skill it actually is and that we can get better at it over time.

[A]

I like this number seven. And the final one is what the

[B]

final trait of emotional fitness is. Playfulness. Being able to say yes and to people and to foster spaces, to deepen connection and to have joy and levity in life. To be able to think in the gray and essentially just integrate play into your everyday life.

[A]

Okay, you're going to love this story. So just a year ago, I spoke at the World government summit. Only one of a few Americans were invited. There were 6,000 people, many heads of state from all over the world. When I finished my talk, I could have gone to all these amazing cool little get togethers and parties. I asked the guy that was with me that accompanied me. I said, let's walk towards the ocean. I pulled up my suit pants all the way past my knees and I walked into the ocean. He could not stop laughing. He goes, why? I said, because I am playing so far over my head an Inner city kid from Compton speaking right after the president of Poland. And then following me was Jeff Bezos. I thought, what kind of doggone world am I in? I wanted to go from that heaviness to the playfulness of being in the ocean in an expensive suit. Why do you think I moved into that little realm?

[B]

I imagine there could be so many reasons, but you're speaking to how powerful it is to be playful. You know, when we're playful, we're present. We get to be that inner child again for a moment. We. We get to feel things. You know, I imagine maybe it felt good just to feel the water on your legs in a moment that was so stressful and overwhelming. Yeah. And that's the beauty of play. When we get better at playing, the rest of life feels more doable, more enjoyable. I actually read a study that showed that people who play regularly live longer by a statistically significant number of years than people who don't play regularly. That's how important it is to our well being. So that's what I want to help people learn, is how to be more playful in life.

[A]

I love this. Dr. Emily, best way to follow you and then give us the title of the book in the way you would say it. So best way to follow you is.

[B]

Best way to follow me is I'm on all the social platforms. My handle is at Dremily Annholt and you can find my [e-mail] I do all kinds of work with workshops and keynotes and online courses. All of that. I'm on LinkedIn, learning and the title of my book is flex your feelings, train your brain to develop the seven traits of emotional fitness. And you can find that on Amazon, Barnes Noble, anywhere that you find your books.

[A]

I want to tell you this, I appreciate you and I'm being very sincere because when I was hearing more of your story in the interviews that you've done and your journey to become this educated and this aware of what you're doing and the way you're helping people. Congratulations on this journey that you're on, to continue to change lives.

[B]

Well, thank you so much. It's a true honor. Your work is an inspiration and I'm so grateful we got to have this chat today.

[A]

Okay, so what a great interview today with Dr. Emily. I want you to follow her and I want you to get her book. It's fantastic. So many things that she says when she talks about the seven traits of emotional fitness. Come on. I never heard anybody break them down like that. So thank you for continuing to watch the Miracle Mentality podcast. Don't forget to like it. You guys are doing all these things. Thank you for subscribing and thank you for telling friends. And don't forget this little statement. You may not be what you want to be, but thank God you're not what you used to be. Life is still good. Think with a miracle mentality. See you next time. Thank you for sharing space with me on this episode of Miracle Mentality with Tim Story. If today sparked your courage or helped you understand why you're created for success, I invite you to carry that miracle mentality forward. Visit [e-mail] that story with an ey on the end. Until next time, walk by faith, embrace possibility, and create your own comeback. Story.