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Good Acting Done Cheap with Smiley Burnette | All Star Western Theatre (11-10-46)
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Original Air Date: November 10, 1946Host: Andrew RhynesShow: All Star Western TheatrePhone: (707) 98 OTRDW (6-8739) Stars:• Smiley Burnette Announcer:• Cottonseed Clark Music:• Foy Willing and The Riders of The Purple Sage Exit music from: Roundup on t...
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Welcome to the Old Time Radio Westerns. I'm your host Andrew Rines, and before we get into this episode, I wanted to remind you to check out our other Western podcasts released daily by going to otrwesterns.com or or searching OTR Westerns in your podcast app of choice. I also wanted to invite you to check out our other podcast channel releasing non Western shows by going to otnetcast.com or by searching otnetcast in your podcast app of choice. Now let's get into this episode. This episode is going to be All Star Western Theater. Original Air date is November 10, 1946 and the title is Good Acting Done Cheap. We've got Smiley Bennett in the lead role. Hope you enjoy and again, thanks for listening.
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From Hollywood comes your All Star Western Theater, starring America's great Western singers. Boy Will the Riders of the Purple Sage Our guest today is that famous cowboy comedian, Smiley Burnett. This is Cottonseed Clark, and here are the Riders of the Purple Sage. I want to drink my java from an old tin can While the moon goes bright and high I want to hear the call of the whisper will I want to hear that child cry I want to feel my saddle horse between my legs Riding him out on the rain just to kick him in the side Making sure he's snapping pride out on the Texas plane I want to hear the thunder as it booms and rolls I want to feel the rain in my face A thousand miles from your city light Drawing a cowhand's way I want to sleep at night Neath the stars above with a moon shining down I want to Cook my coffee over cactus coal 50 miles from town I want to drink my java from an old tin can While the moon goes rising high I want to hear the call out the whisper will I want to hear that child cry I want to feel my saddle heart between my legs Riding him out on the rain Just to kick him in the side Making sure he's stepping tight out on the Texas plain I want to drink my java from an old tin can While the moon goes bright and high I want to hear the call of the whisper will I want to hear that coyote cry I want to feel my saddle heart between my legs Riding him out on the rain Just to kick him in the thigh Making sure it's stepping cry out on the Texas plane SA Today we have on our guest star corral that famous funny man of the film. And we know you're going to be happy to give a rousing welcome to a return visit from America's great cowboy comedian of the western strain, Smiley Burnett. Our guest star is heard in a western comedy epic entitled Good Acting done cheap. Heard with him will be Foy Willing as Jim Slowy. Al Slowey is Foy Dean. Jimmy Dean as Al. Willie Joe Forte will be heard as Mr. Duke, while Ms. Helen Gerald will be referred to as Ms. Bertie Bell Voorholzer. Your Renault's voice may be recognized as Birdseed Bartholomew. Johnny Paul will be the sheriff. Smiley Burnett will play himself. As our story begins, we find Foy, Al, Jimmy and Birdseed trying to make a success of their ranch, the Bar bb, named for a pretty neighboring girl, Birdie Bell Vool. The Bar B is located near Lizard Ridge, halfway between Bloggerd and Chipotle Peck, 25 miles from Newhall. A telespace has just arrived at the ranch and its contents have everybody excited. Hey, boy, this is great. Read it again, Jim. It says here that my clients Molly Burnett and I will arrive at your ranch this afternoon with the idea of leasing your property as a location site for Smiley's next picture. Signed, Duke, agent, manager, and guardian for Smiley Burnett. Oh, boy. You know, this is probably. I've been waiting for him, you know, maybe Smiley's already got his cast picked out for the next picture. Well, I might not have a chance, you know. Maybe so. But, you know, if we go about it right, we can convince him that we're just what the doctor argued. Oh, no. I'm the leading man type myself. Oh, now, look out. How much you figure we ought to charge him for using the range? Well, if we can get $1,000, that'll pay us out of debt. Well, don't scare them off with money. Oh, no, no. If we want to get in the pictures, we can't afford to do that. Sure can't. Man, oh, man. I can see myself now on the screen. Just up picking and a singing my fool head off. And me a kissing the girl. And the hero kissing me. And me kissing the h. Oh, boy, here he comes now. Look, Yanna. Yana comes the automobile. That's really got to be something. Come on, boys, let's give him the welcome song. A cowboy's life is a life for me. A home needs a western sky. Your cares are few and your worries free. I'll be a cowboy till I die. In the open range where the skies are blue and the fairy sun smiles down on you. Here in the west I along with be A cowboy's life is a life for me. A cowboy's life is alive for me. A home meets the western sky. Your cares are few and you worry free. I'll be a cowboy till I die. A cowboy till I die. That is really great, Mr. Burnett. On behalf of us all, welcome to the Bar BB Ranch. Well, thank you, lady. Hold it, Smiley. Remember, I'll do all the talking. But I just want. No, Smiley. Remember our contract. You may say the wrong thing, boys. And young lady, on behalf of my client, we accept your welcome. Well, get right out and make yourself the whole. We'll get right down to business. Of course, that's what I always say. Get Smiley. All right, boys. We have a little business to transact. And we haven't long to stay. Smiley, while I look over the ranch, you stay right here in the car. All right, Duke? Shut up. I didn't say shut up, boys. I'll just roam around, look the property over. Miley, remember, don't say a word while I'm gone. It might be used against you. All right, Duke. Shut up. I'll be back in a few minutes. Molly, it sure is nice to have you with us. We want to know more about your picture. Reckon the cat's got his tongue or something. Well, that's right. You know, his manager told him to keep his mouth shut and not to say a word to anybody. Well, look, Smiley, we won't tell anybody. If you want a safe. You want to say something? Will we, guys? Will you promise you won't tell Duke? Well, then, good for you. I'll talk. Say, you folks really make me feel at home. How about singing a song for us, Smiley? I'll be proud to. I got one Wrote myself. Do you write all them songs you sing? No, but I sing all the songs I write. Oh, yes. I've written songs for Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra and Andy Russell and Dick Hayes and Riders of the Purple Stage. The writers of the Purple Sage? Yeah. Never heard of them. You mean you write folks for all those famous things? Oh, sure do. They don't ever sing them, but I write them anyhow. I wrote Annie Laurie. You did? Yep. He didn't answer me, but I wrote her anyhow. Say, Smiley, I wonder if you'd do me a favor. Sure would. Anything. What is it? Would you mind holding your arm straight out from your body like. Like this? You mean like this? I'd say I'd be proud to. Yeah. Now, just a minute. Why did you want me to do that? I just wanted to see that pot with a handle on it. How about that song, Smiley? All right. Here's one called Everybody Makes Me Feel At Home. I go out with good intentions I wind up with the apprehension Everybody makes me Me feel at home Now, I may not be such a smarty But I'm the life of every party Everybody makes me feel at home Folks don't send me invitations Treat me like they're poor relations but then just to spite them I go just the same I mean, well, they won't believe me Host and host is glare and freeze me Everybody makes me feel a home Movie stars are restful creatures I snore loudly through four features Everybody makes me feel at home now once my friends had come to see me now my old dogs try to tree me Everybody makes me feel at home oh, how are you? Dear Mrs. Dunning, your new dress is simply stunning. I can't resist a query didn't they have your size? When I'm free with my suggestions and I ask some personal questions Everybody makes me feel at home that was fine. That was sure fine. You. Say, who are you going to have in this picture you're fixing to shoot? Well, don't rightly know yet, Bird Seed, because the Duke ain't decided. You mean he does all the hiring and the firing? You know, you boys are pretty good singers, judging from that song you were singing when we come up here. You know, we got to figure, Smiley, how nice it'd be if you filmed your picture here on our ranch and let us all take part. Yeah, well, now, that'd be. That suits me to a T. I tell you, though, you have to ask the Duke for an audition. You think he'll do it? Well, if he has time, he Keeps pretty busy keeping my mouth shut. Uh. Oh. Hey, here he comes. Now, remember, I ain't said a word. Well, boys, I'm mighty pleased with your ranch. And I might even go so far as to say that my client's next picture will be made here. Well, good for you, Duke. Provided we can reach financial terms that are satisfactory. Well, how much do you think you could pay us for the use of the place, Mr. Duke? Pay you? Why, my dear boy, surely you're jesting. Why, I don't understand. Behalf of my client, I'll make myself clear. We expect you to pay us. Pay you? Oh, now, look at here, Duke. You can't do that. Miley, what did I tell you? Don't answer. But do shut up. I know how you boys feel, but you must think of all the publicity it'll give you a ranch to have a great star like Smiley Burnett. That's me. Shut up. Film a picture here, but our cattle can't eat publicity. Do you have goats on the place? Yes, but. Then you're in luck. They'll eat anything. Well, let us see here. Now, just a moment. I can see that right now. This transaction is going to take longer than expected. Miley, maybe we better stay overnight and try to show the boys the error of their ways. Well, good. Shut up. Mr. Duke, we was also wondering if you might take time to give us an audition for Smiley's pictures. An audition? Why, certainly. Of course, there'll be a small handling fee, but. Now, do shut up, Smiley. I'll tell you what, boys. Prepare some script and rehearse your gang. And tonight we'll hold auditions right here at the ranch. Now, wait a minute, everybody. First of all, we want to figure out what parts we want to play. Then we'll practice, and when night comes on, we'll show Mr. Duke what real actors can do. Yeah, I want to be a leading man. That's me. Oh, you ain't the type. Well, I beg your cotton picking pardon. You can't do that to me, man. Now, here's what we'll do. Birdie Bell, you be the girl. Now, that's a right novel idea. She's gonna be the girl. Old Birdfeed will be here in a minute with a script he's been writing on. And in the meantime, we'll practice our singing. Yeah, well, that's a good idea. Let's say I learned to love you too late I learned to love you too late My darling that's why I'm lo and blue I learned to love you too Late My darling now you found somebody new this world has been funny Ain't fair to me it seems if I can't have you, darling I can love you in my dream I learned to love you to let My darling now you found somebody new this world has been funny Ain't fair to me if I can't have you, darling I can love you in my dreams I learned to love you to la My darling now you found somebody new Ah, that is sure pretty. But we gotta rehearse some more. Say, here comes old bird feed now. And Smiley's even. Yeah, I wonder how I got away from the Duke. All right, kids. Say, I've got written a story here. They're on all stories. We'll make that Duke feller just sit up and take notice. Yeah, that's a humdinger of a story too. Boy, old bird keeps the writer. Did you ever write anything before? Oh, sure, I've written lots of stories. I don't ever remember seeing your name tacked on any of them. Oh, well, you see, Smiley, when I write, I usually know them. Because you'd get it done a lot quicker if you'd use a typewriter. Oh, no, thanks, Marley. How'd you get away from the Duke? Oh, that was easy. The Duke, he locked me in an upstairs bedroom. And old bird feed here, he got a ladder and we eloped through the window together. I sprained my ankle, though. There wasn't no rungs in that ladder. Say, Smiley, this is a good script. You know, it gives me an idea. Well, good. What's on your mind? It's very simple. Oh, I know that, but what's on it? Well, here's what we'll do. We'll have you act out the story with us tonight, Smiley, and we'll do a regular play for the Duke. Well, tell me. Tell me what the story's about, quick. Well, it's about a cattle thief played by Smiley Burnett, the star. Yeah, that's me. Shut up. I mean, well, it don't make sense to me, making a cattle thief a star. I mean, making the star a cattle thief. Oh, but this cattle thief is a good boy. He brings home anything he steals to his mother. Oh. All right, fellas, let's start rehearsing. Nice to come in. All right, let's go. All right, all right. Tell you what I'm gonna do, boys. And ordinarily I wouldn't make a confession like this. But since you boys are so nice about everything, I may consider shooting a picture here on your ranch. Are not charging you one red cent. Now, that's mighty nice of you, Duke, but we feel like we could pay you something. Well, if you insist. Just as a matter of good taste, suppose you give me a deed to your ranch. Oh, now, look here, Smiley. Careful, or I'll take away your bubble gum. Oh, don't do that. Look here, Mr. Duke, we're all ready to give you our audition. Well, and how about letting Smiley help us? Well, ordinarily I don't make a confession session like this. But if he'll promise not to utter a word except what's written in the script, I suppose it'll be all right. Thanks, Duke. Shut up. You know, I just can't help being big hearted. Well, what I want to know. People don't ask questions where I come from because nobody knows the answers. One more remark like that and to bed you go. Don't cry, now. You know, folks, you might say I raised Smiley from babyhood and I have to protect them. Well, I guess that's just natural. Just natural? Yes, just natural. You see, when Smiley was a baby, everybody said he was hideous. But I had faith in him. At the age of one, he began to grow. Then he grew some more. And on and on he grew and grew. Yeah. Boy, am I gruesome. All right, I'm all ready for the audition. Light. Camera. Roll them. Action, Mr. Duke. Our opening scene is the living room of Miss Tessie Pearl. Fig 10, played by Miss Birdie Bell for halter. Her boyfriend, Limrod Lancaster, is called to pay his respects and discuss the ways and means of capturing the cattle rustler, Vertigo Varicose, played by Smiley Barnett. They've already discussed their wrestling problems. And Tessie Pearl, in a moment of mad, impetuous haste, reaches over and turns out the lights just behind the soap and air where they're sitting. And Lemrod says to her, that's all right. Turn out the lights if you want to. I'll take a hint. I'll go home. But Mimra, my darling, you don't understand me. I ain't no fool. I can tell when I'm not wanted. Oh, then suddenly there comes a light rapping at the door. Turn on the mic, dog at the door. Or if I can find the doggone light switch in the dark, just take three steps forward and turn right here. I found it. Now. Now, answer the door. Answer the door. It ain't said nothing. Oh, never mind, Mr. Lancaster. I'll get it. Yes, ma'. Am. I am verticos Varicose. Yeah, that's me. I Just thought I'd drop by and see if you had any cattle you want me to steal. No, we have a good stock at hand at the present. Oh well, just in case you need need my services, here is my card. I steal cattle from 7am to 7pm oh, and what do you do at snack? Steal chicken. I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place, Vertigo. Besides, don't you know the law is looking for you? Oh, them lump heads don't bother me none. I ain't scared of nothing. While my grandpa was in a bottle of Bill Run. That's bull. It's the gospel truth. And I can prove it just the same. Vertigo. They'll get you some of these days. Yeah, they'll get me over the strings of my lonesome guitar. You mean you're a guitar picker? Yes sir, I'm one of the best. One handed too. Believe me boy, when I'm cornered I can sing my way out of it. Just like they do in their moon pictures. In that case, I guess we're all licked. Vertigo. There's someone at the door. I recognize that knock. It's a sheriff and his men. Uh oh. Hey, quick, hand me that trusty guitar. Here you are, Vertigo. Don't you give it to him, Tessie. Oh my heart tells me yes. Take it Vertigo. Thank you, Tessie. That's good. Now open that door. Let them farm it in here. All right, here goes. All right. Ready to go. Right you're getting. You're forgetting there. I'm holding in my hand here Sheriff, a guitar. That's right. Drop them guns or I'm going to start singing. No. Don't we know when we look ready to go. Drop that guts man. Stand right where you are. Easy with that guitar. Ver go. My pitch finger is getting nervous. Now look here Vertigo, you win this time. If we ever catch you without your lotion guitar, you're licked. No, don't do it. Don't come another step closer. I'll sing. But Vertigo, you mustn't. My mama don't allow no music playing in healing. Be reasonable man. That's wrong. We're only human. Well Tessie's mother's defied me. No, Lionel. Music. Huh? You mean Mama no la. No music played in here. Huh? Mama don't allow no music playing here. Well why do we care When Mama don't lie we play our music anyhow. So Mama don't allow no music played in here. Oh Mama Lou Loud. No guitar playing in here. She don't allow no guitar Playing in here. But we don't care what mama Noola. We'll play our guitar anyhow. Because mama no la. No guitar playing in here. Oh, mama don't lie. No fiddle playing in here. Oh, mama no Lionel fiddle playing in here. But we don't care what Mama don't lie that fiddle anyhow. Oh, mama don't lie. No fiddle playing in here. My mama don't lie. No coding playing in here. He don't line up coding playing in here. But we don't care what mama lie. We play accordion anyhow. Cause my mama don't lie Little Cody's playing in here. Oh, mama don't lie. No bull fiddle playing in here. You don't allow that, dog? I was playing in here. But we don't care what Mama don't lie we play that bull fiddling house. My mama don't let no bull fiddle playing in here. Oh, mountain music playing here. He says we don't want no chick in here. But we don't care what mountain la. We'll play that music in here. All mountain music in here, boys and young lady, this is sensational. Do you really like it, mister? Like it? I loved it. Then do we get a job in Flyler's next picture? Oh, you sure? Kelly, hold your tongue. I can't. It's slickery. Shut up. Now, boys and girls, it's the greatest combination I've ever discovered. Writers, actors, singers, musicians in the ranch caboose. It's a wholesale discovery. When do we go to work? Just as soon as we can move our equipment out here from Hollywood. And that'll be. Shut up. How much money will we make? My dear girl, surely you're jesting. 40 hours. Well, I expect you to pay me, all of you. After all, I can't spend my time at Genius making stars out of you for nothing. Well, how much will it cost? Well, give me the deed to your ranch and I'll let you work in the first picture. And it won't cost you a cent. Oh, dude, you can't, Smiley. Of course, there'll be some cost to you raising costumes, makeup, etc. Oh, we don't mind that. You can't do that to these. Shut up, Smiley. I'll do the talking. I've taken all I'm gonna take off of you, you big loudmouth. Down. I face it down. I'll do no such a thing. Hand me that guitar, Birdie. Oh, no. No smiling up there. Anything else, but not the guitar, please. You've been asking for this for a Long time, Duke. And now you're gonna get it. No, Smiley. The whip. Anything. Anything but the guitar. Hit me with a crowbar. But don't play. Please don't play the guitar. You've been asking for this long enough. No, Smiley. Have mercy. You don't sing. I know I'm l. Take him away. That's you. It's Miley Vernet. All names and places heard in the preceding drama were purely fictitious and any similarity the person's living or dead is strictly coincidental. Our guest star will return in a few moments, friends and neighbors. Sam. And now here is 4 willing returning with our guest star, Smiley Burnett. Well, Smiley, this is the fourth script of the All Star Western Theater for you. That's right, boy. And I've enjoyed every one of them more than you know. I hope this won't be the last. Well, the guest star corral gate is always open to America's great cowboy comedian. And by the way, folks, the new Smiley Burnett record album for children is terrific. Well, that's mighty nice of you. And thanks to all you folks for being so nice to me. Goodbye. Here they are, folks. Men of the west from out of the west with real songs of the West. America's great western singers, Boy Willing and the riders of the Purple Sage singing There's an open range ahead Boy, some folk will spend a lifetime searching far and near for something that's always been waiting waiting for them right here if you like a lot of room around to roam in where any place you stop your heart's at home in if you like to see a campfire in the Goldman there's an open range ahead if you like the sound of lazy cattle blowing where miles of stage and tumbleweeds are going Anytime you knew the only place you're going to is an open range ahead up in the sky keep a bright sun shining out in the west Let a clean wind blow here in your heart There will be no fighting for somewhere else to go if you like to hear the prairie wind a wailing from Hollywood, you have heard your All Star Western Theater starring America's great western singers, Foy Willing and the Riders of the Purple Sage. Our guest has been Smiley Burnett. This is Cotton Seed cl.
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This has been a presentation of OTR Western and we hope you enjoyed. Please take some time to like and rate our shows in your favorite podcast application. Follow us on Facebook by going to otrwesterns.com Facebook subscribe to our YouTube channel by going to otrwesterns.Com YouTube and send us an email podcasttrwesterns.com you can call and leave us a voicemail 707-986-8739 this episode is copyright under the Attribution Non Commercial Share Like Copyright for more information go to otrwesterns.com copyright have a great day and thanks for listening.