Podcast
Permission to be Powerful Podcast
Hosted by Anton · EN
“Permission to Be Powerful” is your battle cry for breaking free from self-doubt, reclaiming your voice, and living life unapologetically on your terms.
www.antonvolney.com
www.antonvolney.com
31episodes
Episodes
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Gestapo at the Door: When ICE Comes Knocking
Feb 26, 202500:12:19Tap to summarizeIt was almost noon when they came.A cold wind swept through Geneva, New York. The sky was heavy with the threat of snow, and the air was thick with winter’s silence. But silence wouldn’t last…Three men stood at the edge of the property.They wore dark tactical vests, black utility pants, and thick jackets lined with armor.Their badges gleamed in the early light, clipped high on their chests—too high to read unless you got too close. The kind of closeness that could cost you.Each of them had a firearm strapped to their hip, cuffs looped at their waist, and radios clipped to their shoulders.The radios crackled now and then, with brief bursts of static whispering and some unknown coordination in the background.ICE.Their faces were unreadable, locked behind that trained, cold expression. The look of men who had done this before. Men who had walked into neighborhoods like this, in cities like this, under the same pretense—a name, a file, a mission.But they weren’t just knocking on doors.They were hunting.The people of Geneva, NY, had never seen anything like this before.Just an hour from Rochester, the town had its share of visitors—some welcome, some not. But at this moment…No one was less welcome than those men standing in front of the house.And they weren’t alone.A small group had gathered at the threshold of the house, standing between the agents and the door: three people—one woman, two men. The woman held her phone up, camera recording, her breath visible in the freezing air.She had seen the cars when they rolled in. A black Nissan Pathfinder. A silver Ford Explorer. Two unmarked SUVs, but everyone knew what they meant.This wasn’t local law enforcement.This was something else.One of the men, dressed in a black hoodie and jeans, shifted his stance. He wasn’t big, but he wasn’t afraid. His eyes flicked between the agents, reading them, measuring them.The second man, older, bundled in a thick winter coat, crossed his arms and exhaled sharply. His face was lined, weathered by experience. He’d lived in Geneva for decades. He had seen things.They all had.The woman’s phone caught everything—the boots shifting on the pavement, the twitch of a trigger finger resting just a little too close to a holstered gun, the way one of the agents kept glancing at the side of the house like he was thinking about making a move.She knew this game.She had seen the videos before.She had watched the news.And she knew what happened when people didn’t record.ICE Agent 1 stepped forward, boots grinding against the driveway’s gravel.“If you’re unwilling to help us, then we won’t have this conversation.”The man in the black hoodie barely flinched.“You said you guys are looking for someone?”The agent’s jaw tensed.“If you’re willing to help us, we can talk. But other than that…” He let the sentence hang, glancing at the phone camera.A warning.A threat.The scene was eerily familiar.The black vehicles idling on the curb, the way the agents loomed in the early morning light, the stiff posture of men who saw themselves as enforcers. The civilians stood firm, refusing to yield. The tension was so thick that it felt like the street was holding its breath.This was not new.Not in history.Not in America.Not anywhere that power saw fit to extend its reach.The way the agents spoke—their clipped, measured tones. The way they didn’t answer questions directly, just circled, prodded, pressed.It felt like something out of an old film reel. Not New York in 2025, but Berlin in 1939.Because it always starts the same way.With uniforms.With boots on the pavement.With a knock at the door.ICE Agent 1: “Clearly, you’re talking to them, telling them not to open the door. They have rights. I understand that.”The woman holding the phone narrowed her eyes.They have rights.And yet here they were, dressed like soldiers, standing in front of a home, waiting.ICE Agent 1: “But we might not even talk to these people. We’re trying to figure it out.”Figure what out?The woman’s stomach twisted.That was the trick. The pretense of uncertainty. The idea that maybe—just maybe—they had the wrong house. The wrong person. That they weren’t here for something terrible.That they weren’t here for what everyone knew they were here for.Citizen 1: “Okay. That’s fine. I mean, I’m sure you would have their contact information.”A silence.The agent smiled thinly.ICE Agent 1: “Well, this is our address.”The words felt surgical. Chosen carefully.Not “this is where they live.”Not “we know they’re here.”“This is the address that we have.”Thin words. It’s just thin enough to slide through a loophole.The woman felt her fingers tighten around the phone.Because she had seen the videos before.She had seen how agents like these lied—claimed they had a warrant when they didn’t. They claimed they had a right to enter when they didn’t. They claimed they wouldn’t take someone away… until they did.And yet, here they were.The older man in the winter coat shifted his stance. He had been silent for most of this exchange, but now his voice was low and steady.Citizen 2: “I know you guys are, but I’m also… I’m trying to bring some understanding to what’s going on. I know what you’re doing. I know what will be happening next, in all honesty.”One of the agents stiffened. His jaw tightened.ICE Agent 1: “Not why we’re here today.”Citizen 2: “That’s why you’re here today, but it won’t happen.”ICE Agent 2: “In all fairness, what we’re going to do is leave. We’re looking for a security subject. We’ll return and attempt to locate that—”The man in the hoodie cut in.Citizen 1: “Did you guys have permission to return there?”The question hit like a slap.The agent blinked.Citizen 1: “No. Don’t get caught. I don’t think you have permission to go to the back of the house.”And just like that, the unspoken truth crystallized.The woman’s stomach dropped.They had already checked the back.While they were talking. While they were stalling. They pretended they didn’t know if this was the right house.They had already looked.Which meant they knew.Which meant someone inside that house was running out of time.And suddenly, the weight of the morning felt unbearable.This wasn’t over.Not by a long shot.And every single person standing there knew it.The street felt tighter.The air was thicker.Every neighbor on the block was watching now, peering from windows, standing on porches, holding phones at their sides, and rolling cameras.The moment had shifted.A few minutes ago, it was just an interaction. A tense one, sure, but nothing out of the ordinary for anyone who had been through this before.But now?Now, it was something else.Now, it was a standoff.The woman recording had seen enough ICE videos to know what happened when the footage stopped.Once, a camera battery died in Arizona right before an agent pulled a man out of his truck. Another time, in California, a live stream cut out right as a family was dragged into the street.That wasn’t going to happen here.Her phone was at 73% battery.She double-checked the storage. There is more than enough room.She wasn’t going to miss a second.The agents, for their part, pretended not to notice.Which meant they noticed.ICE Agent 2, the tallest of the three, shifted his weight. His boots crunched softly against the frost-covered ground.The morning light glinted off the silver handcuffs clipped to his belt.His partner, ICE Agent 1, kept his hands tucked into his vest, fingers flexing occasionally. The third, ICE Agent 3, stayed slightly back—watching the civilians like a wolf watches a herd, trying to see where the weakest link might be.No one moved.The agent who had checked the back of the house had stopped speaking.He wasn’t answering the question.He wasn’t saying anything at all.And the silence was deafening.Trespassing With a BadgeCitizen 1: “So you just… walked back there?”Nothing.Citizen 1: “You didn’t have permission.”Still, nothing.The man in the winter coat let out a slow, measured breath.Citizen 2: “See, that’s the thing. You won’t answer the question. That’s a tell-all right there.”He gestured toward the house.“This is private property.”The agents didn’t respond.Didn’t argue.Didn’t explain.Because what could they say?They had already done what they weren’t supposed to do.And nobody here was stupid.The woman filming kept her camera steady. She zoomed in on Agent 1’s vest, capturing his jaw’s slight, frustrated twitch.That was the game.To do it first, then deal with the consequences later.To step past the line, then act surprised when someone points it out.It was an old game.A well-practiced game.A Gestapo trick.And it worked most of the time.Because most people were too scared to say anything.Most people didn’t want to push their luck.But the people standing here?They weren’t most people.And today wasn’t most days.The Ford Explorer’s engine was still running.The Nissan P...
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I Was Addicted to Work, and It Almost Destroyed Me.
Feb 25, 202500:11:34Tap to summarizeI was a workaholic through and through. Eventually, it all caught up to me.I kept telling my Copy Chief at Tony Robbins company that burnout would be the only way I would fail at this job.I constantly monitored my energy levels and quickly cut loose anything or person that drained my energy.I once went to the doctor while I was getting divorced and told him how fucked up my world was and how much stress I was dealing with. I was starting to get acid reflux from all the stress I was under. I thought I had a heart condition from the sharp pain in my chest.I mentioned I was seeing a girl who was stressing me out.He said, “Be selfish.”Indeed, I was so glad I broke up with that girl when I did because I recognized that she disturbed my peace and drained my energy, which would impact my work.I had finally smartened up about the impact my significant others have on my work.There is a direct connection between how much my significant other bothers me and the quality of my work.I learned this while my marriage was falling apart. I was too stressed out to work. I went from being the rising star in the company to being the bottom of the barrel.I was hanging on to my job for dear life. At the same time, my ex was actively trying to inflict as much pain on me as possible. I had several nasty run-ins with my in-laws as well.In retrospect, I realized that she wanted to punish me, and all of those arguments we had after I left were utterly pointless. They only served to cause me as much pain as possible on the way out.There I was, trying to save my marriage one last time.I should have cut her off immediately.I’ve learned that your inner child always takes note of when you fail to protect them. This was one such time. I failed to protect my income, and therefore, I lost it.This was the very last time I allowed myself to be taken on a roller coaster like that. When my ex decided to throw me out… I knew in the back of my mind that this would affect my job.But I didn’t have it clear enough that I didn’t deserve that treatment.I was like a dog getting its face rubbed in s**t.I was willfully enabling her to add insult to injury. To make myself an even bigger Martyr.In my defense… this was the season when I was transitioning from Chauffeur to Mike Tyson. I was wobbling back and forth between the two mindsets.I was in an unstable place mentally and emotionally.After that, I decided to take Wellbutrin.This is an antidepressant that also works as an ADHD treatment. I take it to protect my mood, so I never find myself in a place like that againI learned a lot about burnout and how to manage it. I learned some exquisite lessons.Every eighteen months or so, I get burnt out.There’s no need to tell you what happens.You know.Just getting out of bed can be a challenge.You get a whole night’s rest but are still tired the next day.Nothing seems to restore your energy.WTF is up with that?Burnout is your body’s way of saying you’ve gone too far.It assumes you’re not in touch with your inner child.You’ve ignored their needs for so long; now your body’s shutting down.It’s very easy to get sucked into a workaholic environment.I once worked at a place where my Copy Chief went on a two-week vacation. Yet she was still present at every morning meeting while on vacation, with her kids in the background.F**K THAT COMPANY.This is late-stage capitalism, y’all.They want to work you to death like a beast of burden and then replace you with someone cheaper at the first opportunity.Some companies are all too happy to exploit you for long hours and punish you for not being part of the cult.Don’t drink the Kool-Aid.Late-stage capitalism is dog-eat-dog.The rich exploit the poor.The last thing I want to do is find more reasons for an employer to use me.That’s what buying into the workaholic company culture gets you.I struggled with burnout because I worked too much. When I started as a freelance copywriter, I was dangerously inexperienced.Like Abe Lincoln, I failed to the top.To compensate for my lack of experience, I worked seven days a week for several months.All work and no pay make Jack a dull boy. So, I was depressed.Why was I so driven?There were easier ways to make money.That’s the part that needed healing.I had no understanding of that.I just knew I was driven, and nothing would stop me.As Master Hakuin says in Master Hakuin’s Chant in Praise of Zazen:* What is it we seek?* What is it we lack?* The cause of our suffering is ego delusion.I’m a workaholic because I’ve used work as a coping strategy for growing up in a dysfunctional home. From a very young age, I’ve felt compelled to leave.I was twelve, and I had no money. I realized that being financially dependent on my father kept me tied to him and tied to this miserable family dynamic.I started thinking two or three steps ahead from the very beginning, which gave me a great advantage.I’ve met more than a few trust fund babies with businesses that could only exist because of their wealth and connections, and I’ve spent a long time envying people like that.But no more.Why do I want to be successful?What is success?How do I even know when I get there?I just made up an arbitrary bar that always seemed out of reach. It’s a mental boobie trap. I thought I was striving for my goal and that I would get there someday, but all of that striving wasn’t necessarily helping me get closer to my goal.What do I mean?Think about the productivity you lost the last time you were burnt out. Usually, when we consider how much productivity you gain when you are productive… the productivity you lose is never accounted for.One huge workaholic myth is that you’re getting more done because you’re busy.When you’re always on the go… always in a rush… you get sloppy. At the Zen Center, there’s order everywhere the eye can see. People do not do things in a rush.What’s more…Consider the masterpieces created during the Renaissance, such as the Sistine Chapel and the Mona Lisa.Do you think they were created in a rush?NO.Why do we believe doing things in a hurry means we are better off?What if the opposite were true?I like to think about Albert Einstein; he spent the morning unlocking the secrets to the universe, and in the afternoon… he’d go sailing.If you ask me, that sounds like a hell of a win-win.I got burnt out about six years ago, and by then, I had learned about burnout and workaholism, so this time, I took a different approach.I only worked from 1 pm to 5 pm.In the mornings, I’d go for a swim at the pool, or I’d smoke a joint at the beach and watch kitesurfing.Bring an audiobook with me.I’d get a massage once per week.I stayed in therapy.I started drawing and painting.I knew that if burnout was my body’s response from doing too much unrewarding activity, I needed to fill my life with rewarding activities—more fun.Learning to swim was such a victory for me.I grew up on an island, yet I can barely dog paddle.I felt some unworthiness not being able to swim correctly.And I’m an endurance athlete through and through.Part of me wants to swim. I grew up at the beach.After a few months, I got up to a mile in the pool.Fantastic.Everyone is on their grind, and I’m getting a deep tan and soothing my body.Because I worked reduced hours, I learned to be incredibly efficient with my time.I am known for being able to work VERY fast.I organized my workflow perfectly, so there was no friction to slow me down in any part of my day.Once I sat down, I didn’t get up for anything — not even to pee.And…What did I discover?I got close to the same amount of work done.Eventually, I got into a 4-day work week.I can’t wait to bring those back.They’ve done studies which showed that when given the option for a 4 day work week, productivity stayed the same.It’s a no-brainer: Would you work 20% harder to get 50% more vacation? That’s an extra 50 days off per year.I would.Many others would, too.That extra day usually went to taking care of myself and whatever errands I had to do, so on Saturday and Sunday, I was fully relaxed with no work to do. I got back to Monday feeling restored.Those were the days.Sadly, business hasn’t been great. During tough times, I used my workaholism consciously because I wanted to slam my foot on the gas and accelerate my progress.I read a book about workaholism wherein the author made a sobering point. He said that workaholism IS an addiction, and…Like ALL addictions, it leads, ultimately, to death.If you are a workaholic, consider this:Workaholics are known to everyone around them as the person who’s always busy. Who neglects their family.You might be busting your ass to get ahead. And, for those marginal gains, your spouse may get fed up and finally decide to leave.You could be thoroughly checked out at times when your children need you.Every addiction creates consequences both for the addict and the people around them.And, just ...
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How You Break Up With Someone Says Everything About Your Character.
Feb 24, 202500:11:53Tap to summarizeI’ve noticed something I’ve never heard anyone talk about:When you break up with someone…How they react to rejection reflects who they are fundamentally.What do I mean?When you start dating someone, they have the maximum incentive to lie to you. The whole agenda is to keep your flaws under wraps for as long as possible.Hopefully, the other person will feel too invested in you by the time they figure out how much of a schmuck you are.Conversely, when you break up with someone, they have the least incentive to play nice and sweetly with you.How people react when you break up with them says a lot. Perhaps more than all of the late-night conversations ever could.When a person has no incentive to be kind to you, but they show you kindness anyway.That says a lot about a person.My ex-wife once told me she would be civil if we ever broke up.But when it came time for us to split up, she was the opposite of civil.Cruel. Bloodthirsty.She wasn’t just bitter—she was out for blood. Not content with the breakup, she wanted to destroy me.She constantly searched for new conflicts to incite and construe everything I did in some nefarious way. She tried to imply that I was stalking her.She went to court, claiming she needed a restraining order, fabricating a whole spectacle—when, in reality, she was still hoping I’d come back to her. I never looked back. Not even close.I moved two hours away to make sure the separation would stick.That girl wishes I was thinking about her so badly. Meanwhile, it’s babes everywhere.She was DELIGHTED when the judge sided with her and said that our house, which I’d put all my money into, wasn’t marital property.When she left my car unregistered for months without telling meI had to find out from the police who towed my car in the middle of the night, and I had to sleep at a roadside motel.She ran a giant smear campaign filled with lies and distortions.She enjoyed my downfall, like when she said she’d be happy if I got fired.Telling me my ex before her “was right about me.”Calling me Brian Laundrie…Calling me a pedophile.She always twisted the facts to fit her narrative.When you’re with someone who loves you, they don’t want you to know the side of them that is cruel, hurtful, and acrimonious. But that side of them, even if you have never seen it… If it’s there, it’s there.I’ve had the sobering experience on multiple occasions now of seeing a whole new side of a person come out only after the breakup, only after I stopped kissing their ass.It was sobering because I had no idea my exes possessed some of these traits while we were together.I find that so fascinating.It’s jarring to the point that I have to stop and tell myself if I knew this is what they were really like underneath it all, we would have broken up a long time ago.I had a similar experience with an ex who was all smiles and sweet like sugar while we were together, but the minute I broke up with her, she started treating me like a sworn enemy.She was always hostile when I saw her in public. She said terrible things about me…Even though she never complained while we were together.I could see in my saying hello that she was prepared to interpret anything I said as I tried to get her back. Even though I’d blocked her on every channel, including email, I never looked back.She expected that I would lock horns with her — when in reality, I went and became a Buddhist and sat in the zendo by myself for over a year—learning about compassion, forgiveness, and peace.One day, she loved me. The next, I was the villain in her story.The switch was instant—like a mask dropping.I wasn’t her ex. I was her enemy.That is one of the most baffling things ever. Being treated like public enemy number one.And, if I’m being sincere, I believe she stole something valuable from me. I don’t know precisely how or when, but my file folder with every document about my marriage went missing.It’s not something I would lose, and she’s the only person with access to it. She even once said to me ominously, “If you knew what I did, you wouldn’t want to be friendly with me.”This was a profoundly violating experience. I was depressed for a week.It tells me that what I thought was love could not have been. It couldn’t have been real if that person’s respect and goodwill for me could vanish in an instant like that. That type of treatment suggests that this person’s so-called love for me was entirely transactional and conditional to my performing a role. On me being who she wanted me to be. If my value, in your eyes, can vanish instantly like that, how could it have been real love?I broke up with you but shared much of my life with you. Things may not work out, and I may not even like how I was treated, but my desire to show that person goodwill and respect does not go away the minute they stop being my girlfriend.How are people like this?It’s as my therapist always says: most people are children in adult bodies.My therapist clued me into one of the secret laws of the universe. I can’t tell you how radically my perceptions of people changed after that concept sunk in.One day, I could spot precisely what he had been telling me for years.For the first time, I could see my partner’s inner child. It’s one thing you can go through all your life without ever noticing… but it’s there.My therapist talks a lot about the inner child. The person you were when you were little is alive and well—a secret companion living inside of you that you may know nothing about.As I said, I started to see the precise moment I triggered one ex back to her seven-year-old self. If you’re not paying attention, you’ll miss it. I promise this is something that all human beings do. It wasn’t just her.Here’s what I saw:Usually, when I argued with her, she would lash out. But during one such confrontation, I spotted something in her that I had never noticed in all the 8 years we had been together.I saw the little girl who felt utterly helpless and devastated.Seeing her inner child in real time completely changed my understanding of her. If I’m ever behaving irrationally…If I ever have a strong reaction to someone and I overreact… It’s usually my inner child kicking and screaming and protesting.He’s throwing a tantrum.I’ve noticed something fascinating about my inner child. He keeps the score.He feels contempt and mistrust for all the times I abandoned myself to please others. Seeing my ex’s inner child made it much easier for me to empathize with her.Of course, I tend to attract a specific type of person. That person is usually dysfunctional. However, I am happy to report that I’ve started attracting healthier women.It’s very insightful. Every time I unlock a new level of person that I attract — the old dysfunctional ways I used to behave become evident. I think about the last person I dated and the person I used to be.The Chauffeur me would have sent her running for the hills.And this was only a few years ago. They wouldn’t even be on my radar, or I wouldn’t be on theirs.Every time I heal more of my wounded self, it suddenly becomes apparent how futile the old way of doing things was. This was true in my romantic relationships and my professional life.One day, I woke up and realized how futile it was to build a business that depended on referrals to grow and how pointless it was to keep cold-calling people.I have a passionate hatred for cold calling because there were many times when I was desperate, and cold calling seemed like my only option for getting some quick cash.But with every email I sent… With every rejection, I got back…I felt more and more like a cheap w***e.One day, I woke up healed enough to understand naturally that cold calling had to stop and stop for good. People sense desperation. If you’re desperate, you’ll always attract people who don’t value you. And the moment you truly believe in your value, the dynamic changes.It simply wasn’t the right dynamic at all. This isn’t the way the game of business is played. One day, I got it through my mind that I would never debase myself for money again.Never again.And that’s when clients mysteriously started knocking on my door. It was uncanny.Likewise, in relationships, sometimes, after I graduate to a new level of maturity and start attracting higher-quality people,…I stop, look back, and realize, “Wait—you mean I went my whole life like this?”I had never, not even once, tried this much healthier approach.How on earth can that be?One example of this was the old me, who was a pathological giver.There was a certain desperation about me that was obvious to everyone else, but I had been this way for so long that I hardly noticed it. Like right now… I asked a girl out.She steps back. She starts being very avoidant.The old me would have pursued her endlessly like a fish to water. That was my instinct.And I was blown away when I realized that I had never tried another approach in my life.I had probably made this same mistake hundreds of times. How can we miss the most obvious truths about ourselves?For the first time, I considered my inner child and how he would feel if he had been brave and vulnerable, and then suddenly, the other person started treating him like a stalker.So, for the first time in my life… I dropped her, and I didn’t look back.If you want to be with me, I deserve some clarity about your intentions.Like — it can’t be tha...
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I Spent Years Solving Other People’s Problems… Then I Got a Rude Awakening
Feb 24, 202500:07:59Tap to summarizeI just discovered another obvious truth that I hadn’t noticed.My various family members are always casually placing the weight of the world on my shoulders.I only recently registered that they’re constantly giving me new problems to solve, yet they’re never helpful when it’s time to meet my needs.It’s not all their fault. I have my part to play, too. Pathological giving is a coping strategy.It goes like this: I know I’m worthless, so you don’t have to invest. I’ll do all the work. I’ll focus on you. Whatever you need. I was trying to earn the right for them not to abandon me.There’s rarely reciprocity when people dump their problems on your lap and make them yours.Two Christmases ago, I was at a family function. I saw a cousin I hadn’t seen in 10 years.And the first thing out of her mouth to me was to fetch something for her like a lapdog.She wasn’t predisposed. She didn’t need my help.I was taken aback.I haven’t seen you in ten years, yet you still want me to fetch something like your errandboy like clockwork?What did this woman see in me growing up that she felt emboldened to treat me this way after a whole decade?I did not comply.Some people are looking for a savior.And I can assure you that those people are the ones who will scream the loudest that they’re independent and they don’t need anybody.Unspoken agreements in relationships are so powerfulThese are agreements not made with words but with ACTIONS.To date, I haven’t met a couple with zero unspoken agreements.Going into any new relationship, it’s so important, at all times, to know where you stop and the other person begins.If those boundaries are blurred.Now you’re enmeshed.They own you.There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to help people. The problem begins when you start enabling unhealthy behavior in them.Some people are VERY entitled.They don’t mind draining you until there’s nothing left.Some people don’t just demand saving.They insist on it.Ergo, they will not accept a relationship without having someone else take on the role of their savior.This subject fascinates me…Having experienced several highly unbalanced relationships before…I discovered this unhealthy dynamic could be the raison d’etre of the relationship itself…Without it, that relationship may suddenly fall apart, as it did in my case.Yet, I’ve seen the mental gymnastics people are willing to play to avoid looking at their own BS.That same person who wants to be saved sees themselves not as a damsel in distress… but the opposite.People who see codependency as the primary function of their relationship are usually very unwilling to see their motivations for what they are.Yet, on the flip side, perhaps there’s you.Why do you keep solving people’s problems?Your motivations may not be as innocent as you think.What you label as help…Maybe routed in an unhealthy desire for control.Or validation…Like you’re a martyr who nobly sacrifices themselves for the greater good of the relationship.Underneath all of the rationalizations and excuses, you may be telling yourself, I take care of your needs, you won’t abandon me.There may be a fear that if you stop carrying this load on your back, the other person won’t be there for you.And ironically, my experience had shown me that when push comes to shove…When I stopped being a caretaker to grown adults…I WAS abandoned.Dum dum dummmmm.And what if that happens to you? What if you decide that you’re returning all of the problems everyone else dumped on you to their rightful owner?What if they don’t take it well?Am I telling you to do something that may cause the whole relationship to fall apart?Well…The truth will set you free. You deserve to know the truth. You deserve to know who is being sincere and who is selling you a lie.If you knew right now that the person you are bending over backward for, sacrificing yourself for… would return the favor by being completely disloyal to you…You might think twice about cleaning their s**t stains for another 25 years.Often, people come to you to solve their problems merely because they know you’ll do what they say. For many people around me, I was the most compliant person in their entire circle. They knew me well enough that I would say yes to almost any demand.This pattern can be challenging to break because you have no idea what it feels like to have someone show up for you.You may have been taking on the role of rescuer for so long that the thought of someone shining the spotlight on you and giving you all the attention could turn you off or even alarm you.People get what they tolerate.There’s your relationship.And then there’s you.You can’t be in a relationship without being firmly grounded in yourself.You might be in a dynamic resembling servitude more closely than a true healthy relationship.Your job is to show up for you.Not the other person.Often the unspoken agreement is, I’ll fix your problems if you fix mine.If you’re playing this game, you may wake up one day and realize that the other person isn’t keeping up their end of the bargain and you’re going to be PISSED.If you have been enabling someone else’s entitled behavior, it can come as a real shock when you discover that the person who claimed to love you turns around and abandons you when you stop being their servant.And this, ladies and gentlemen, as hard as that realization may be, only confirms that they were exploiting you. Your unspoken agreement was merely fiction.I had this idea that I was in a fair and balanced relationship, but that notion was entirely false.People who rescue often do not recognize that they are advertising their codependency for the world to see. Long before the relationship shifts into gear.You’re likely advertising how easy you are to manipulate without even realizing it.You may think that if YOU aren’t the person who sacrifices themselves…The other person will not be able to survive.But stepping in to save other people makes them weaker…More corrupt…More entitled…It’s not a good relationship strategy.It places you in bondage.Often, people get used to their corner of the relationship. They think the other person is getting more or less the same experience you’re getting. If dark clouds are on your side, you think the other person’s reality is overcast.That heavy burden you carry.It might seem like other people are as committed as you are.But I never assume someone is committed to me anymore.I need to see them demonstrate their commitment.This instinct of wanting to rescue people is still powerful for me.I would say that I am healed enough to stop myself and allow people to deal with their own problems.But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel tempted.Lucky for me, I’m learning to spot these dysfunctional patterns sooner and sooner.When you bail people out of their problems, you rob them of the opportunity to grow.I’ve seen what entitlement looks like.I have an affluent cousin who has always gotten everything he wanted. Today, he’s such an entitled monstrosity he can’t hold down a job. He’s in his mid-thirties, yet Mommy and Daddy still pay for everything.Rent…Clothes…Car…Travel…I can’t imagine what it would be like to be so helpless.What’s more, this guy is so used to having his way that I’ve seen him become threatening and violent to those same enabling parents when he didn’t get his way.I used to be the guy who cleaned up other people’s s**t stains.Now, I’m the guy who lets them know where to find cleaning supplies… and walks away.Until next time,AntonDancer, Writer, Buddhist Get full access to Permission to be Powerful at www.antonvolney.com/subscribe
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Approval Seeking Almost Ruined Life
Feb 24, 202500:10:41Tap to summarizeWhen you’re someone who craves external validation, it says something important about you. And if you’re honest with yourself, it says something about how you see yourself. It points to the fact that you don’t fully believe in your worth.But here’s the thing: A mature adult should feel valid in and of themselves. They should know, without question, that they count and matter. They should know they’re good and worthy, regardless of what anyone else says or does.And while it’s important to feel supported, you should be your best advocate, your biggest fan, no matter how the world responds to you. That’s the foundation upon which genuine self-esteem is built.But let me tell you something—I wasn’t like that. Not for most of my life.I wanted the validation of others. I craved it. I wanted women to like me. I wanted men to envy me. I wanted a career that shouted success, that proved I was important.I would have proof of my worth if I could have those things. If I had success, approval, and attention, I would know I mattered.But it didn’t work that way.I remember seeing a video or maybe an ad, but it stuck with me. In it, a professor stands before a class and asks, “Who wants $20?” Of course, everyone raises their hands.Then he crumpled the $20 bill and asked again, “Who still wants it?”The hands stayed up.Then he stomped on it with his shoe, crumpling it further. And asked again, “Who wants it now?”Everyone still raised their hands.That’s what self-worth is like. It’s intrinsic. It doesn’t lose its value when it’s stepped on or crumpled. It’s still worth $20, no matter what happens to it.But unfortunately, many of us are taught the opposite message. We grow up learning that we don’t matter, that we’re no good, or that our worth is conditional on the approval of others.This is the path to seeking external validation, but I’m here to tell you it’s false.You see, validation is like a quick fix. It’s a temporary high. You get the applause, the likes, the accolades, and for a moment, it feels good. But once that high fades, you’re left with the same emptiness that pushed you to seek that approval in the first place. It doesn’t fill you. It just feeds the hunger for more.Jim Carrey once said, “Your need for validation will keep you invisible in this world.” And it’s so true. You remain invisible to your value when you depend on others to tell you you’re worthy. You can’t see the truth of your worth because you’re too focused on the shifting opinions of others.But here’s the truth: Nothing in this world can match your worth. No amount of money, no amount of success, and not even the attention of a million people can make you more valuable than you already are.Life itself is precious—your life.Your existence is worth more than anything the world can offer. That’s the truth.Now, when it comes to building your self-esteem, there’s a lot of talk about the Law of Attraction—and I agree with it, but I think it’s more complicated than simply thinking “positive thoughts.” It’s not just about saying affirmations to get your self-worth up. You can’t just chant, “I am worthy,” without doing the actual work of rewriting your core beliefs.Because if you’ve spent years seeking validation, you’re up against one of the oldest, deepest beliefs in your psyche: the belief that you have no value—that you are not enough. And undoing that belief takes courage and effort.It’s about changing how you relate to yourself. And it’s a massive shift that involves going against decades of old patterns—patterns that have been reinforced by others, your doubts, and society’s standards. It’s not easy. It’s like swimming upstream.But here’s where the real breakthrough happens: It’s when you finally decide that you are good enough—when you are worthy and valuable and that your self-worth doesn’t come from anyone else’s approval.You are the only person who gets to decide your worth. Nobody else.Now, the most challenging part is the courage to be disliked. You see when you stop seeking validation from others, you have to be willing to accept that not everyone will like you. And that’s okay. It’s more than OK—it’s necessary. Because you can’t please everyone, and you shouldn’t try.When you stop seeking approval, you stop watering down your truth. You stop being the version of yourself that others want you to be and start being the person you’re meant to be. This may alienate people and even hurt them, but in the long run, you’ll feel a freedom that no amount of approval could ever provide.And here’s the kicker:The people who don’t like you or disapprove of you—they’re not your people. They don’t see you for who you are. But the right people who resonate with your true self will be drawn to you. That’s the power of authenticity.When you stop living for external validation and start living for yourself, you hit pay dirt in your life. That’s when you start living the life you were meant to live. Not one is based on others’ expectations, but one is built on your own self-respect and internal validation.And when you finally embrace the idea that your worth is inherent—when you live it every day—that’s when the true power comes. That’s when you stop seeking, and you start living.That’s when you start living the life you want.Let’s talk about the need for external validation—how it can shape our actions, identities, and sense of self-worth.I didn’t know how to feel validated from within for most of my life. I didn’t feel good enough unless others noticed me or acknowledged me. This craving for validation has manifested in many ways.In my upcoming memoir, I opened up about how I sought validation, particularly in my relationships and career. I spent so much time trying to be the person I thought others wanted me to be. I wanted women to like me, but it wasn’t just about having someone by my side. It was about proving something to myself that I was attractive, worthy, and interesting enough to be loved. So, I’d change myself and shift my personality and approach to keep that external validation coming.When I was with Erika, a part of me constantly sought approval, always trying to get the affirmation that I was doing the right thing, that I was the right person for her. And it wasn’t just about the relationship; it reflected my deep-seated need to feel validated in any form. When I could hold her attention, when she would validate me with a compliment or show affection, it would fill the hole inside, however briefly.But here’s the thing:I was missing the point entirely.I didn’t know it then, but seeking external validation wouldn’t bring me peace or true happiness. Instead, it became a vicious cycle—because it’s not real validation if it’s based on someone else’s perception of you. It’s like walking around with a cracked mirror—no matter how much you polish it, it can never truly reflect who you are unless it’s whole. But I was too busy trying to make that mirror shiny, even though it was shattered.Take my career, for example. In my upcoming memoir, I talked about my desperate need to prove that I was important and mattered in the grand scheme of things. I wanted a career that screamed success. I wanted the title, the recognition, the accolades. But deep down, it wasn’t just about doing work that mattered to me—it was about showing the world that I had made it. I would tell myself, “If I just get that promotion or that recognition, if I just prove myself to these people, then I will be worthy.” And I pushed myself to the limits, sacrificing parts of my soul to chase that approval.But the truth? No matter how many trophies I collected or how many people told me I was doing great, a part of me still felt empty. It’s like chasing a shadow—it’s always just out of reach and beyond your grasp.And that’s the core of the problem with seeking external validation—it can’t fill the void that stems from feeling that you’re not enough. I didn’t realize it then, but I was trying to fill a hole inside me by gathering external proof that I mattered. I sought validation through women, my career, and material success, hoping the world would tell me I was good enough. But nothing ever felt solid enough to hold me.Here’s where the real lesson hit: true worth comes from within. It doesn’t matter how many people validate you, how many likes you get, or how much praise you receive—it will never be enough if you don’t already see your value.As I got deeper into my journey, I realized how much of my identity had been tied to external approval. I was trying to play a game set up by other people’s standards—standards I had no control over. So, I sought to fit myself into molds that didn’t belong to me simply because I wanted to be seen.I found myself at a crossroads. I began disconnecting from the outside world in the middle of that chaos. I started to see how my need for validation tied me to an identity that wasn’t mine. I started asking myself the hard questions: “Who am I without the approval of others?” “What do I truly want?” “Can I be enough without constantly seeking others to tell me so?”The answer was correct before me, but I had been blind to it for so long. The validation I sought from others was never going to fill the hole. It was up to me to fill it by reclaiming my sense of self and trusting my worth.Now, I dare to be unapologetically me, which means knowing when to walk away from validation. Sometimes, the hardest thing is to let go of the idea that we need other people’s approval to feel worthy. But when you stop seeking validation, something incredible happens: You start to live for yourself. You stop caring about who likes you and start focusing on lovi...
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If You Struggle With Meditation, This is 100% Why...
Feb 21, 202500:06:46Tap to summarizeI walked into the Rochester Zen Center a year ago, not knowing I was about to sign up for the Meditation Olympics. Spoiler alert: It changed my life.Here’s what no one tells you about meditation—most people suck at it because they don’t know how to sit. Literally.I was one of them.Turns out, sitting still is an art form. And if you don’t know how to do it properly, you’re screwed before you even close your eyes. Your body aches, your knees scream, and your back feels like it’s carrying 20 years of bad posture. Meditation quickly turns into a wrestling match with your spine.But once you learn to sit like a monk, half the battle is won. I will teach you how to master it because, trust me, you don’t want to spend hours trying to find enlightenment while your legs go numb.Step 1: Sit Like You Mean ItMeditation isn’t just about the mind—it’s about the body. If your body’s wobbling like a drunk flamingo, your brain will follow suit. So, let’s get one thing straight—stability is king.* Stability: Think tripod. Whether you’re on a cushion or a chair, you want three points of contact—your sit bones and knees (or feet if you’re in a chair). This keeps you grounded, balanced, and still. If your body’s steady, your mind has a fighting chance.* Alignment: No more hunching. Straighten your spine. Imagine a string pulling the top of your head toward the ceiling. Shoulders are back, chest open, and chin slightly tucked. This isn’t just about looking cool—it’s about stacking your bones so your muscles don’t have to work overtime.* Relaxation: Don’t mistake straight for stiff. You’re not a soldier at attention—you’re a monk in meditation. Relax into the posture. Let your body settle. And when the tension creeps in (because it will), breathe into it.Step 2: The Eyes Have ItHere’s a curveball—Zen keeps the eyes open.Why? Because life happens with your eyes open, and Zen is about living, not escaping. So lower your gaze, soften your focus, and keep your eyes pointed toward the floor a few feet ahead.There are no staring contests with the wall or counting floor tiles. Just a gentle gaze that reminds your brain that you are awake but relaxed.Step 3: Pick Your Sitting StyleYou’ve got options when it comes to sitting.* Full Lotus (The OG Pose): Both feet rest on opposite thighs. This pose is the most stable and painful if you’re not Gumby.* Half Lotus (The Realistic Option): One foot is on the opposite thigh, the other tucked underneath. This position is stable but less stressful on joints.* Quarter Lotus (Beginner-Friendly) – Foot resting on the calf, not the thigh. It's comfy and great for mortals.* Burmese Style (Lazy Buddha) – Legs uncrossed, feet flat on the mat, knees resting down. Perfect for those who aren’t into yoga pretzels.* Chair Sitting (Modern Monk Vibes): Sit on the edge of a chair, feet flat, spine straight. This is ideal if your knees hate you.Pick your throne, but remember—comfort matters. Nobody reaches enlightenment when their foot falls asleep.Step 4: The Breath Is the BossNow that you’re sitting like a pro, it’s time to breathe. And not just any breath—count it.* Inhale: One.* Exhale: Two.* Inhale: Three.* Exhale: Four.Keep going until you hit ten. Then start back at one.Mess up? Lose count? Start over. No shame.This isn’t a competition. It’s training for your brain. Every time you get distracted and return to the count, you build mental muscle. That’s the whole point.Step 5: Timing Is EverythingMorning is the gold standard. Your mind’s fresh, your distractions haven’t piled up yet, and it sets the tone for your whole day.But the fundamental rule? Every day.Even if it’s just five minutes, consistency beats intensity every time. Think of meditation like brushing your teeth—you don’t skip it just because you’re tired.My Battle with StillnessLet me be blunt—meditation is not easy. The first few weeks were brutal. I fidgeted, my legs went numb, and my mind ran circles around itself.But here’s the magic—it gets better.You stop fighting the discomfort. You learn to sit with it. And somewhere along the way, something shifts.I started noticing things—small things. The way my breath felt in my chest. The sound of my heartbeat. The tension in my jaw that I didn’t even realize was there.And outside of meditation? My life started changing, too.* My anxiety didn’t own me anymore.* I stopped reacting to every little thing that pissed me off.* I became more patient, more grounded, more… me.Meditation didn’t make my problems disappear. It just made them manageable.Why You Need This in Your LifeLook, I’m not going to pretend meditation is some mystical fix-all that will make you levitate or glow with inner peace 24/7. That’s nonsense.It does make you present. It strips away the noise, chaos, and endless scroll of thoughts in your head and lets you sit with yourself—the real you.And here’s what I’ve learned: Most people are terrified of being alone.Meditation forces you to face that fear. To stop running. To sit still and listen. And that’s where the transformation happens.You don’t need to be perfect. You don’t need to be spiritual. You need to show up, sit down, and breathe.Because once you master the art of sitting still, you start to see what’s been there all along—clarity, calm, and control.It’s not magic. It’s training. And it’s worth every second.Final ThoughtsMeditation isn’t for monks. It’s for anyone tired of feeling scattered, stressed, and out of control.It’s for people like me who spent their whole lives running and finally decided to stop.So, if you’re ready to stop running and start facing yourself, pull up a cushion and sit down.Your mind isn’t going to quiet itself. But trust me—it’s worth the fight.Until next time,AntonDancer, Writer, BuddhistPermission to be Powerful is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Permission to be Powerful at www.antonvolney.com/subscribe
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The Day I Stopped Being Invisible
Feb 20, 202500:08:06Tap to summarizeBeing The Chauffeur was my default setting.I felt inadequate, drowning in overwhelming shame, convinced something was fundamentally wrong with me.I saw myself as the sidekick in everyone else’s story, drawn to subservient roles, a slave to my insatiable need for approval.I pretended not to care about others’ opinions, but fear consumed me.I kept myself small, with terrible boundaries, always going along to get along.“Whatever you want, dear…”Terrified of saying “No,” I was crippled by guilt, allowing people to walk all over me.Looking back, I see my flaws with pristine clarity.Yet, if someone had asked me then…“Are you the type of person who lets others take advantage of you?” I would have adamantly denied it.Your inner consciousness permeates every aspect of your life.You can’t see how you’ve constructed your nightmare, with dysfunctional beliefs shaping a dysfunctional reality.There’s a direct relationship between the two.Change your beliefs, and the outside world must change.Feel weak, and your reality will be poor.Feel strong, and everything transforms.But here’s the kicker…Changing Beliefs is Hard.You can’t just chant affirmations or make a vision board.Life would be a breeze if it were that easy.Challenging your beliefs feels like going to war—because it is.You’re battling an identity you’ve fortified for decades.Every fiber of your being has learned one way, and now you must overthrow that old self with a new one.You won’t want to do it.You might think you’re the exception, the special snowflake who can defy the odds.But no, honey, you’re not the one…It’s more complicated than you think.Your current beliefs are almost set in stone, deeply ingrained.It’s the ultimate swim upstream.For some, becoming your authentic self may mean rejecting your parents.Think about that.How does one reject the people who MADE them?That’s a battle most people don’t want to fight.The human mind rewrites memories, casting childhood in a rosier light.As a child, you needed your parents to survive.Without them, you would have perished.Loving your parents is hardwired into your biology, a matter of life and death.You HAVE to love them, even when they don’t treat you well.Being a chauffeur in adulthood is deeply rooted in upbringing.The Traits of a Chauffeur The traits of a chauffeur are the sum of coping strategies learned to survive in a hostile, often dangerous environment.Strategies like:* People-pleasing* Seeking approval* Believing liars* Making myself invisible* Having no wants or needs* Being silent* Ignoring what I could see* Feeling helpless* Pathological giving* and having one-sided relationships.Recently, I uncovered a new coping mechanism: My inner child worries about EVERYTHING.I obsess over potential pitfalls, devising plans for every possible disaster.As a chauffeur, I had cripplingly low self-esteem and overwhelming self-doubt, which stunted my career for over a decade.Whenever I pursued a new business idea, I found creative ways to sabotage myself: procrastinating, lacking necessary tools, whining about my lack of success to anyone who would listen, and seeking attention and pity.In relationships, I gravitated toward women who oppressed me as I felt oppressed in childhood.If, deep down, I believed I was no good, choosing a career that reinforced my sense of failure made sense.Naturally, I chose an unstable business model in which almost everything was out of my control, and clients held all the power.Fundamentally, as the chauffeur, I saw myself as a victim.And I was, once—when I was a child.But I’m no longer a child.Even though I was victimized, that doesn’t mean I’m helpless today.Yet, as the chauffeur, I behaved as if I were powerless.I hated myself, at odds with my inner child, draining me of all power.I had let my inner child down so often he stopped speaking to me, sabotaging my work and relationships.We Teach People How to Treat UsAt 37, I’m just now realizing that all those years I craved women’s approval, I chased them, always available, ready to abandon myself immediately.“Whatever you want, dear…”And when they misbehaved, I mostly whined and complained but never took action.Humans are more primitive in their thinking than we admit.If you let anyone devalue you, even once, observers instantly adjust their perceptions.You’ve signaled you don’t deserve respect.People mirror the self-hatred you harbor.They didn’t respect me—friends, family, clients—because I didn’t respect myself.I taught them to feel that way.Living with my ex-wife epitomized this dynamic.She inspired The “Chauffeur” moniker as I drove her around for years.Though I’d felt like a chauffeur before, my time with her was distinct; I documented my life in detail through journaling, making memories more explicit.I also began therapy during that period—a game changer.Reject The Chauffeur MindsetI used to feel at home being a chauffeur.Today, I’m learning to reject those familiar feelings.Stop The Chauffeur mentality My career, for example.My freelance copywriting business was conceived from The Chauffeur’s mindset.I lingered in this flawed business model for too long because the accompanying anxiety, self-doubt, self-pity, despair, and self-hatred were all too familiar.That’s the real problem with being a chauffeur: Believing in your unworthiness condemns you to a miserable life.You continually seek situations reminiscent of the old conditions that shaped your weakness.That means shitty everything… * Career* Friendships* Relationships.But it doesn’t stop there…Some people are predatory.As prey, it’s challenging to grasp that others can detect these weaknesses and, instead of offering compassion, see you as a target for exploitation.They may be drawn to you precisely because they know they can take advantage.Life as Mike Tyson is AffirmingEverything improves across the board.I could have never dated the caliber of women I have without making this shift.As the chauffeur, I chased and chased.Before a relationship, I set the precedent that they didn’t have to be an equal partner.I did all the heavy lifting while they fed me crumbs and called me lazy.That’s the life of a chauffeur.But it’s easy to start villainizing others.One of the most challenging aspects of this journey was understanding how I benefited from being a chauffeur.That forced me to confront how fractured my self-esteem was.It made me see that lacking validation in childhood; I sought it externally.For me, being the chauffeur meant I didn’t count.My Wants, Needs, and Feelings Were IrrelevantI accepted being ignored or abused as a fact of life, with no say in the matter.This identity shaped my sense of what I deserved in every area of life.The chauffeur believed he deserved crumbs.So, that’s what I got.It’s hard to reflect on this period with regret despite the unhappiness.That struggle made me immensely strong.The strength I wield today stems from that struggle.What a noble fight.It was the fight of my life.Until next time,AntonDancer, Writer, Buddhist Permission to be Powerful is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Permission to be Powerful at www.antonvolney.com/subscribe
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Dating in my 20s vs. my 30s
Feb 19, 202500:14:04Tap to summarizeThere is an enormous difference between how I date in my 30s vs my 20s. I think the key distinguisher is I was a pure “chauffeur” back then, and now, I navigate the dating world through Mike Tyson’s eyes. I talk about being the chauffeur in many places so I won’t go into detail here. Just to say that being the chauffeur was my trauma response to growing up in a toxic environment. I believed that I was inferior to my partners. Respect was something I wanted but didn’t necessarily believe I deserved. I was exceptionally easily manipulated. I had terrible boundaries. To give you a quick summary.Mike Tyson Represents the Opposite Assertive, confident, direct, strong.For starters… I was WAY less selective. If she was halfway cute, that was enough. I chased and chased and chased. I got invested in people way too quickly. I idealized them. I was more interested in getting their approval than protecting myself. Over time, most of my partners learned that I didn’t believe I deserved respect, so they didn’t feel obligated to give it to me.I was seeing this Colombian girl in college. One night, she’s at my apartment. Just as she’s leaving around 10:30 to go home, I start feeling violently sick. It’s already clear that I’m probably going to throw up. I’m very nauseous. She leaves a little basin near my bed and goes home anyway.Fast forward to 3 am, I’m vomiting, and I have diarrhea. I call her to ask her to get me to take me to the hospital. I didn’t have a car, and she lived with her mom. She used her car to get around when it was available.She and her mom rented a room in the house to a guy who lived out of town. When he needed to for his job, he’d spend two or three nights per week there. So, he was parked behind her mom’s car in the driveway. She refused because coming to get me at night meant she might have to wake up their guest. She was basically like, “I’ll be fine…So, I called 911 and told them to send an ambulance. I sat in the waiting room for 3 hours before being seen. All of that vomiting and diarrhea left me highly dehydrated. And my guts felt like they were shredded. I took the bus home. Two. Then, I crawled into bed, where I stayed for 3 days while I recovered.My girlfriend felt very guilty that she didn’t come to get me. But that event permanently changed our relationship. And this was early on, too. This was probably the first moment I decided to stay in the relationship past its expiration date. Like… She’s already told me that she doesn’t care whether I live or die. Certainly not enough to save me. That my feelings do not matter, now, you may say that I don’t know what she felt — I can’t speak for her.But here’s what I know: Actions Speak Louder Than Words If someone tells you through their actions that your well-being is less important than their need for their mother’s approval, you need to believe them.I’ll give her some grace that I probably never considered, which was that her mother was a true dictator… so she was probably more scared about her mother’s wrath than abandoning me. But either way, the damage had been done. You aren’t supposed to come back after dropping the ball like that. Yet, I stayed.I bitched and moaned about that event for years. Yet, I stayed. And I pretended it was just a mistake and that she would not make the same mistake again. Time went on. The memory faded. But she violated a vast boundary. She didn’t have my back in my time of need. I found out that night that I couldn’t count on her for my needs. She could expect help from me, but not the other way around.This is an excellent example of what I mean when I say that self-hatred comes from self-abandonment. I stayed with someone who treated me like that. You bet your bottom dollar, and my self-respect took a hit. It’s so funny. At the beginning of that relationship, I thought I was the boss. But by the end, it was very clear that I wasn’t.As the years passed and that episode faded into the background, I tried to tell myself that it was in the past and didn’t matter—or that I was overblowing it.But, looking back, I see that I was wrong.When you stay in a relationship where caring about you is optional, you pay a price sooner or later. It wasn’t just about me being abandoned but setting a precedent for myself. Once you allow specific behavior, it becomes infinitely more complex to turn around and say it’s not permitted later. That’s why I’m so vigilant about setting bad precedents. All you have to do is devalue me once so I can call it quits immediately. Or soon thereafter.It’s one of those things I paid such a hefty price to learn these lessons that I don’t hesitate. I know what comes after tolerating bad treatment: MORE BAD TREATMENTThere’s something about human nature. This is one of those instincts that I believe is primal. Because life has taught me that just about everybody responds similarly. People always look to you to see how you expect them to treat you. If you tell someone they can abandon you in your moment of need, you’ve set a terrible precedent in your relationship that will bite you later. The day will come when there may be a little incentive to abandon you — that person might choose to betray you because they know you’ll take it. This is human nature. The minute you tolerate being disrespected, devalued, abandoned… Everyone who sees that response instantly changes how they see you and what kind of treatment they believe you deserve.That’s why it’s such a common trope of the new guy in prison to try to beat up the meanest guy in the yard to let everyone else know not to f**k with them. This is the law of the jungle. We are no better than chimpanzees.My life has taught me that EVERY single time I have set a bad precedent like that in my romantic relationships, I’ve later regretted it because it’s almost impossible to enforce a boundary after you’ve let someone know that your boundaries don’t matter.I have one client who once told me something profound. He said, “You have my full support until you start to devalue me. The minute that happens, everything changes.” I took this to heart. I used to hide my assertive side from people. I didn’t want people to think I was hostile or abusive.But, these days, I am working on revealing my apex predator side as fast as possible — at the very first opportunity. This isn’t about yelling or being threatening… It’s not about talk; it’s about action. It’s about showing people what you will or won’t tolerate and being precise. One of the reasons I particularly love this boundary is because it’s easy for me to sort the masses into two groups:SAFE people and UNSAFE people.Easy. Safe people don’t try to hurt you or put you down. Not ever. Safe people respect your boundaries. They don’t try to f**k with you. They’re on your side consistently. They don’t undermine your judgment.Unsafe people. These are the people who try to hurt you. Who put you down? Who criticizes you? Who thinks you’re small? You treat you like you’re a nobody. Who makes me feel like a chauffeur.I’m hypervigilant about this last point. I’m not supposed to feel like a chauffeur around you. Not only that, but I also have very little patience for people who seem skeptical about my self-worth. If I see you trying to evaluate me? Looking all doubtful about me? No. Pass. Some people have no trouble seeing my value. I’m looking to spend my time around THOSE people.If someone devalues you, you teach them that you deserve to be devalued. Furthermore, there’s no benefit to devaluing someone else. If you put down your partner in any way, you only hurt the connection. It only pushes them further away from you.Therefore, there’s no place for devaluation in any of your relationships. Save the devaluing for your enemies ;-)I have this hilarious beef with this one guy in the dance community. He’s always on the prowl for his next conquest, and he doesn’t like me because I think he views me as his main competitor.Here’s the deal — I realized this guy was a fake friend one day. I don’t keep people around me who think it’s good enough to treat me well most of the time. He’s highly salty about me — mainly because once I identified him as an unsafe person, I started ONLY giving him my most Apex predator self. That’s the only version of me that he’s ever really known.Which means I ignore him so profoundly. It’s deeper than you can even imagine. It’s very maddening when you won’t even acknowledge someone’s presence when they’re right in front of you, and friends are watching. I see him at almost every party, yet I haven’t spoken to him in years. It drives him up the wall.He has so much unfettered rage for me. But, you know what?I don’t accept people around me who think it’s okay to hurt me occasionally. Not even once in a while. Nope. You can’t make me. You don’t exist to me. If that means until the end of time, so be it. This boundary has served me well because literally every time I’ve ever thought about being friendly with him, I’ve instantly regretted it. I won’t accept people who are happy when I fall. Not once, or ever.I just broke things off with a girl a couple of days ago. I’m most amused at the whole thing. There are so some people who, the moment you say you like them, they say, “Great, take a number. Fall in line.” And you look at the line, and it’s snaking out the door.I Told Her Thanks But No ThanksI noticed something exciting about this one. I was slipping into chauffeur mode. And just off the bat, I’m officially calling this a red flag in and of itself. If I start feeling like the chauffeur around you, that’s not a good sign. It could be because you’re emotionally unavailable. It could be because I’m feeling judged unfairly. It could be because I’m...
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Are You Your Own Worst Enemy?
Feb 18, 202500:05:42Tap to summarizeAbandoning yourself isn’t loud.It doesn’t come with warning signs or sirens.It doesn’t scream for attention.Instead, it whispers.👉 It begins quietly— one compromise here…👉 Another overlooked boundary there…The whispers become a constant.So familiar, you don’t even notice…Self-abandonment is insidious.👉 It’s turning the other cheek.👉 It’s agreeing to things you don’t want to do.👉 It’s tolerating disrespect.👉 It’s giving too much of yourself.Self-betrayal is insidious.Your inner child is keeping score.When you honor your true feelings…You’re powerfulAnd, whenever you don’t…You alienate yourself.Every time you abandon yourself,You betray your thoughts and feelings.Many people are so out of touch with themselves…They don’t even know what they feel.That person needs to be in therapy.Everyone does.How did I become Mike Tyson?Simple—I put myself first, no matter what.Sure.There are some exceptions.Being a parent means being selfless.But you must put yourself first.This is non-negotiable.Someone who will not allow you to put yourself first disregards a massive part of your humanity.It’s oppressive. You deserve better.I lived like this for YEARS...I thought I was selfless, loving, accommodating, flexible, and good…But I was disappearing.Abandoning yourself doesn’t happen all at once.It’s gradual, like erosion.It starts with small moments:👉 Letting someone speak over you…👉 Deciding not to correct them👉 Laughing off a hurtful comment…👉 Saying yes when every you mean no.I prioritized someone else endlessly.I’d tell myself it was temporary, just this one time.But it never was.It became a habit, a pattern, a way of life.I wasn’t a person but a reflection of what everyone else wanted me to be.I let others’ needs dictate my life.Each time I gave up a piece of myself, I told myself it didn’t matter, that it wasn’t a big deal.But it was.You don’t say no...👉 Even when you want to.👉 Even when you need to,👉 Even when you give until you’re empty.You suppress your feelings.You tell yourself it’s not worth bringing up, that you’re overreacting, or that it’s easier to let it go.You avoid confrontation.Because keeping the peace feels safer than risking rejection or disapproval.You neglect yourself.Push aside your desires and goals.Then you feel resentful.Over time, all those compromises start to weigh on you, and resentment builds.Fear is at the root of self-abandonment—fear of rejection, disapproval, and loneliness.We learn early on that love and acceptance are conditional.Children are taught to be “obedient”.Those lessons stuck.For me, growing up in a volatile household meant constantly managing my father’s moods.I learned to be hyper-vigilant, anticipating his anger and adjusting my behavior to keep the peace.It was survival.But what worked in childhood became my prison in adulthood.I kept quiet when I should’ve spoken up.I stayed when I should’ve walked away.The cost of abandoning yourself is STEEP.👉 It’s losing your voice and forgetting what it sounds like.👉 It’s looking in the mirror and not recognizing the person staring back at you.👉 It’s resentment—toward others, but primarily toward yourself.I carried that resentment for years.I resented the people who took advantage of me, but I resented myself even more for letting them.It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom—emotionally drained and spiritually bankrupt—that I realized I had to change.How to Reclaim YourselfReclaiming yourself isn’t easy. It’s uncomfortable. It feels selfish at first. But it’s necessary.👉 Step 1: Start Saying No. No explanations. No apologies. Just no.👉 Step 2: Prioritize Your Needs. What do you want? What do you need? Make those things a priority.👉 Step 3: Speak Up. Even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when your voice shakes.👉 Step 4: Set Boundaries. And enforce them. Boundaries are about teaching people how to treat you—and teaching yourself what you will and won’t tolerate.👉 Step 5: Forgive Yourself. For all the times you abandoned yourself in the past.You were doing the best you could.The transition from self-abandonment to self-respect feels seismic.It’s not just about what you do differently—it’s about who you become.I stopped being The Chauffeur and started driving my own life.I started saying no, even when it hurt.I stopped apologizing for taking up space. And I began to trust myself again.The people who benefited from my self-abandonment didn’t like the change.I started showing up differently in relationships, attracting different kinds of people who respected me because I respected myself.Without hesitation, I became the kind of person who could say, "I count."Until next time,AntonDancer, Writer, Buddhist.Permission to be Powerful is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Permission to be Powerful at www.antonvolney.com/subscribe
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How I Stay Organized with ADHD
Feb 17, 202500:02:48Tap to summarizeI plan each day as precisely as possible. Everything has a time and place.I’m like a giant wind-up doll. That’s ideal when you have ADHD. If everything is planned, you have an advantage.You won’t stumble or lose things with a smooth process. And you’ll have a backup plan. ADHD means you’re in chaos mode.That’s why I go to bed in the same way.I tend to live with lots of precise rituals.My office is set up for optimal use.I bought the same daily outfit. The secret to a smooth life is reducing your options. I loved not thinking about what to wear. You can write your own fashion rules.Life was simple. Getting ready was easy.I like simple because ADHD makes life hard. Being organized helps me make good decisions. Instead of buying junk food…I have cooked food.I have fruit on the counter, so I reach for it when I want a snack.I weigh myself every day. This helps me monitor my eating habits. When I reach my cutoff weight, I shift my mindset. I rely on journaling to stay organized. All ADHDers should journal. I learned from Julie Cameron‘s book The Artist's Way.I write three pages of stream-of-consciousness.Let’s say you feel anxiety… This blocks your creativity, focus, and clarity.You’re de-cluttering your mind. Your mind can be organized.Making it easier to execute.Without ADHD symptoms, running amok. You wake up in the morning. Your mind is filled with junk.If thoughts win, you lose.So, I write them down.Then I’m a blank slate.Again, when I’m done with my journal entry, I will skim through it and find the various items on my to-do list. You gotta take it a step further; otherwise, again, you’re leaving room for your ADHD to get in the way. So… Make an hour-by-hour timetable.This is crucial.If you have ADHD, your sense of time is broken. That’s why you should follow this plan — and always wear a watch.Now, I know what every hour of my day should be like. I don’t have to think...Now you know I’m not relying on memory.I’m also a fan of journaling because…You document your whole life.When you’re old, you can look back.That type of insight gives you wisdom.Journaling gives you mental clarity. And that’s very important for someone with ADHD. You’re journaling to run your life on autopilot. Until next time,AntonDancer, Writer, BuddhistPermission to be Powerful is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Permission to be Powerful at www.antonvolney.com/subscribe
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