wavePod

Get Wave AI

Are You Oversharing With Your Kids — or Not Sharing Enough? - Raising Good Humans | Wave AI Podcast Notes

Back to Raising Good Humans

Are You Oversharing With Your Kids — or Not Sharing Enough?

Raising Good Humans

Fri Apr 24 2026

Summary

Raising Good Humans Podcast

Episode: Are You Oversharing With Your Kids — or Not Sharing Enough?

Host: Dr. Aliza Pressman
Guest: Prof. Leslie John (Harvard Business School)
Date: April 24, 2026

Overview of Episode Theme

In this deeply insightful episode, Dr. Aliza Pressman speaks with behavioral science researcher and author Professor Leslie John about the delicate art of sharing personal information—what she calls "adaptive revealing." Together, they explore how parents can model and teach healthy self-disclosure and emotional literacy to children from preschool age through adolescence. The discussion weaves together scientific research, real-life anecdotes, and actionable advice, highlighting the importance of balancing vulnerability, boundaries, and openness for fostering connection and resilience in families and beyond.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining “Adaptive Revealing” and the Oversharing/Undersharing Dilemma

Prof. John introduces the concept of both TMI (Too Much Information) and TLI (Too Little Information), emphasizing the cultural obsession with oversharing but warning that withholding too much can be even more problematic ([03:00]).
Quote:

“There’s another problem... and that is under sharing, TLI—too little information. We suffer a lot when we don’t share enough.” – Prof. Leslie John [03:03]

2. The Skill of Healthy Self-Disclosure

Self-disclosure is a skill few are taught but essential for trust, closeness, and emotional intelligence ([02:40], [07:03]).
Prof. John shares her own transformation from performative oversharing to more genuine vulnerability, noting how even habitual oversharers can avoid difficult truths ([04:15]).

3. Awareness as the First Step in Learning to Share

Prof. John describes her process of doing “disclosure audits”—tracking what’s said vs. unsaid with loved ones, revealing most of us default to silence and miss key opportunities to connect ([07:36], [08:30]).
Quote:

“If we consider saying the unsaid things more, we will share more and we will be better for it. Not sharing everything, but... if I had only said to my husband that I didn’t sleep well, he would know... He can’t read my mind.” – Prof. Leslie John [08:51]

4. Context, Timing, and Relationship Intimacy

It’s not just what but when and with whom to share: total emotional intimacy is ideal in a marriage, but professional or casual settings demand more restraint ([09:54], [10:15]).
Quote:

“We should be going for total emotional intimacy [in a marriage]... It doesn’t mean say anything. It means you can tell them anything.” – Prof. Leslie John [10:22]
Practice and experimentation are part of developing the skill—sometimes “crossing the line” is necessary for growth ([12:00]).
Quote:

“If you never get to that cringe [of oversharing], you’re not doing enough.” – Prof. Leslie John [12:10]

5. Teaching Kids (Even Young Children) the Art of Revealing

Research shows even preschoolers benefit physiologically from expressing, rather than suppressing, feelings ([14:59]).
Emotional literacy—being able to accurately identify and label feelings—is foundational to healthy self-disclosure ([15:30]).
Powerful anecdote: Prof. John describes her 4-year-old saying, “I love you, but sometimes I don’t like you.” ([17:02])

6. Modeling Emotional Honesty Without Overburdening Kids

Both women discuss sharing developmentally appropriate information without “parentifying” children ([19:40]–[22:11]).
Dr. Pressman shares a poignant learning moment when her own child was startled to see her cry, highlighting the risk of never showing children adult vulnerability ([21:28]).
Quote:

“I’m so sorry that you did not know that I’m a person who cries... What a dumb mistake I made.” – Dr. Aliza Pressman [21:44]

7. Navigating Difficult Topics (Divorce, Loss, Major Transitions)

Providing honest but measured disclosure is critical during family upheavals, like divorce ([22:41]–[26:12]).
Both agree kids’ temperaments vary—some ask lots of questions, some internalize ([26:26]).

8. Praise, Positive Noticing, and the “Praise Campaign”

Prof. John advocates intentional praise—based on experiences with Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT), emphasizing specific, authentic positive feedback ([32:27], [36:20]).
Dr. Pressman notes a cultural overcorrection against praise, cautioning not to withhold reinforcement for fear of creating people-pleasers ([34:03]).
Quote:

“Telling someone that you... I just—flight attendant yesterday, I love your lipstick. Like people appreciate that so much.” – Prof. Leslie John [32:27]
PCIT’s “special time”: 5 minutes of undivided, non-directive, positively focused attention can be transformative ([36:51]).

9. Parenting and Social Skills: How to Raise Children Who Can Connect

Teaching children to ask questions and find similarities rather than trying to impress is key for friendship-building ([42:05]).
Quote:

“The magic thing is... All you need to do is be interested in other people and ask them questions. When you ask someone a question, they like you.” – Prof. Leslie John [42:47]

10. Status, Gender, and Disclosing in the Real World

Disclosing appropriately is shaped by gender norms—women are culturally allowed/expected to disclose more, which is both a benefit and a burden ([46:15]).
In status-laden relationships (boss-employee, teacher-student, parent-child), leaders or higher-status individuals revealing vulnerability can powerfully create trust ([55:00]).
Use “transparency” (explaining thought process) rather than risky vulnerability where status is unequal ([57:25]).
Quote:

“Transparency is a much safer go-to… Vulnerability is riskier, more rewarding, but riskier.” – Prof. Leslie John [57:25]

Memorable Quotes & Moments

On the cost of hiding:

"We think that hiding is protecting." — Prof. Leslie John [21:52]
On emotional modeling:

“If I never share this, then when they feel frustrated, they're gonna think that there's something wrong with it.” — Prof. Leslie John [17:53]
On emotional literacy (and humor):

“What is a feeling?” — Prof. Leslie John, relaying her conversation with her therapist, highlighting even seasoned professionals can struggle to label emotions. [17:28]
On praise and authenticity:

“We massively under-share [praise]… I’ve been kind of on a praise campaign recently.” — Prof. Leslie John [32:27]
On learning to “cross the line” in sharing:

“If you never get to that cringe, you’re not doing enough.” — Prof. Leslie John [12:10]

Notable Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | |:----------:|:----------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:04–03:03 | Introduction of episode theme, guest, and key concepts | | 06:22–09:54 | The role of context, timing, and relational intimacy | | 13:20–15:30 | Kid disclosure, early emotional literacy research, modeling | | 19:40–21:44 | Dr. Pressman’s story about crying in front of her children | | 26:12–27:18 | Family transitions, remarriage, and different disclosure styles | | 32:27–36:51 | The “praise campaign” and PCIT approach | | 40:03–41:08 | Creating openness during daily routines, giving kids space | | 42:05–44:10 | Actionable friendship skills: curiosity and question-asking | | 46:15–49:26 | Gender, status, and cultural expectations in disclosure | | 55:00–57:25 | How status impacts the effect and form of sharing | | 57:25–59:07 | Transparency vs. vulnerability, especially in unequal statuses |

Actionable Takeaways

Model healthy sharing: Demonstrate both emotional honesty and boundaries; narrate your feelings in age-appropriate ways.
Praise specifically and authentically: Don’t fear reinforcing positive behaviors—authentic noticing fosters connection and growth.
Carve out low-pressure time for connection: Five-minute “special times” or car rides can be more effective than formal sit-downs.
Teach curiosity and question-asking: Help kids (and yourself) shift focus from impressing to connecting.
Be aware of status and context: Modulate disclosure accordingly, using transparency when vulnerability feels too risky.
Prioritize emotional literacy: Use tools like emotion wheels; help children recognize and label feelings from a young age.

Final Thoughts

Dr. Pressman and Prof. John weave developmental science with relatable real-life stories, urging parents to recognize and practice the often-ignored skills of emotional literacy and adaptive revealing. The episode is practical, compassionate, occasionally humorous, and highly reassuring for parents and caregivers looking to deepen genuine connection with their kids and nurture resilient, emotionally intelligent humans.

Loading summary...

Transcript

Dr. Liza Pressman (0:04)

I just had such a fascinating conversation with Professor Leslie John from Harvard Business School, who wrote a book called Revealing, and she's a behavioral science researcher, and she explores how strategic vulnerability and sharing personal information actually can lead to deeper relationships and professional success. And today, we translated that conversation into adaptive revealing for young people. We talked about even as early as 4 and 5 years old, like, how can you slowly help build this incredibly powerful skill in your kids? How do you teach disclosure and emotional literacy? Being a good revealer is so highly linked with emotional literacy and connection and relationships and even good relationships with teachers. Like, we went all the way through high school when we're trying to figure out, like, how an adolescent can navigate that sort of tricky experience of disclosing but not too much, and vulnerability but not too much, and transparency but not too much, and how for some people, it's just a harder skill than for others. So we're talking about all of this and more. It's Dr. Liza Pressman, and this is Raising Good Humans podcast. I want to hear about your research in the context of the larger body of work that you do. And then I want to talk about if you're raising kids and, like, let's say your kid struggles with exposing themselves, disclosing, connecting. I feel like your research could translate really well into how parents could kind of bolster those skills out of the gate. Yeah. So maybe broadly talk about your work, and then we can, like, translate it to parents. And also, it's not that this isn't highly important for connecting and having relationships in adults. You know, like, we need that too, as parents. But I kind of feel like a lot of people reach out to me worried about helping their kids understand the balance of disclosure and vulnerability and connection and just, like, feeling bad about sharing and all of those things.

Professor Leslie John (2:33)

Like, the kids feel bad.

Dr. Liza Pressman (2:35)

Yeah. Like, kids who just don't have that skill. It's a real skill.

Professor Leslie John (2:40)

Yeah, it is a skill. We were never taught it.

Dr. Liza Pressman (2:43)

Yeah. You know, people talk about it all the time or ask about it, and I actually haven't seen research the way you do it, so I thought, I know it's like a little of a departure to translate it in areas where you haven't looked at it, but I think it's probably quite translatable.

Professor Leslie John (2:59)

This is awesome. I love it. And this is where it's a perfect match. Cause your expertise, you can put boundaries on what I'm saying and ask the questions and describe and. Yeah, this is amazing. Let's do it. Yeah. So I wrote this book because I started realizing that we are obsessed with tmi. Too much information, oversharing. And that's real. It's a real problem. But there's another problem that I increasingly have been thinking and finding it to be even more problematic. And that is under sharing T L I too little information. We didn't even have a word for it. But I've dignified it with a word now because it really is a problem. We suffer a lot when we don't share enough. And the more I learned and the more I practiced revealing, the more I realized that even I card carrying oversharer, I identify as an overshare. Even I was holding back on the really important stuff. For me, the way it played out was I realized that my brand, so to speak of oversharing was like saying kind of self deprecating funny stories about myself, which I still greatly enjoy. But that felt like almost like performative, right?

Professor Leslie John (7:36)

Yeah, I love the way you put that. Adaptive revealing. That's a good one. So there are a few problems, like, a few problems to be solved to get to be a better revealer. The number one thing is awareness. So we walk through life on a daily basis not even realizing the opportunities to share. We do not. It's such a fundamental problem that we don't even consider the possibility of sharing the thing. Here's a concrete example. So I started doing this on myself. These, like, disclosure audits where I would take out a sheet of paper and I. I've got scribbles all over mine, but I'm still going to do it here. And I would. I would write said and unsaid. So I have two columns. One says said, one said unsaid. And I'd go through the day and just tick mark in. So I wake up in the morning, roll over in bed. Good morning, Collie, is what I say. What I think is, I slept like crap. When I don't sleep well, I can't regulate my emotions. Then we go into the bathroom. We're standing in front of the mirror, brushing our teeth. And what? My mind is wandering. And I think, wow, I feel older than I thought I would at this age. And I'm in my mid-40s. Why do I still have acne? Damn it. You know, I'm thinking these things, but I'm not saying them. And the thought of saying them never even occurred to me. I still started being obsessed with these decisions. And so just that. We're not even downstairs. We're not even at breakfast. It's four to one. Four Unsaid one said. I don't know what the optimal ratio is. It probably depends on a lot of things. But what I do know is that if we consider saying the unsaid things more, we will share more and we will be better for it. Not sharing everything. But, like, you can see just in this example. If I had only said to my husband that I didn't sleep well, he would know. He's very compassionate, but he can't read my mind. He would know, okay, LJ needs kid gloves. If I had shared my feelings about my body, maybe we would have gotten a laugh at least. Or, like, he would. I would have felt known and understood, which is a key source of intimacy. So you see these missed opportunities. So once you start being aware that you are actually making decisions, you're defaulting to silence. That is a choice. Once you become aware of it, you see more opportunities, and then you can consider them more. So the first step is, like, honestly, just awareness of opportunities.

Professor Leslie John (10:15)

For sure it's directly correlated with the intimacy of the relationship. Like, in a marriage, I think I have strong opinions. We should be going for total emotional intimacy. Which means. It doesn't mean say anything. It means you can tell them anything, right? Yeah, yeah, whatever. Like. And there in these contexts of, like, emotional intimacy, of, like, everything is on the table, potentially, I think it's. The errors we make are less of an issue of like the content, we said the wrong thing or we said too much, rather the context, like the wrong time. Like if, if your spouse is doing something that irritates you, don't say it when the kids are like distracting us and when we're stressed out. Right. So it'll like, I think we don't think enough about the timing and the context that we're sharing. We kind of ruminate about what the thing is. But then, you know, in like colleagueships, of course we don't want to tell there. Of course there are many things that maybe most things I'm thinking about my colleagues that I wouldn't tell them. Right. But even still in these situations, like what I have found, what I've found in research and experience is that like any level of relationship you have, I've been experimenting and going a little bit deeper and I rarely cross the line. And that's another thing. Is it being a skill we should like experiment and practice and reflect. That's how we get better. If you never feel like you've crossed the line, if you never feel, oh, that might be tmi, you're not going far enough. Right. Like, it's one of my most fabulous mentors, Linda Babcock, she's an economist who studies negotiation. And one of her sayings with negotiation is, if you always get what you want, you're not asking for enough. I think disclosure is the same. If you never get to that cringe, you're not doing enough. So part of it, like we should celebrate a little bit. The other thing is like, if you do feel tmi, people can cringe and they can love you for it. Right? Like, and as I wrote the book, I realized so many of these, like, I mean, yes, I love revealing funny to self deprecating things, but the purpose of that, the purposeful answer to why I included it is because reflecting on these moments, I'm like, oh, geez, people cringed, major disclosure hangover. But with perspective, I'm now like, yes, yes. And they cringed and they admired me for it because they became some of my closest mentors. Right? So, but yet we see we fixate understandably because of psychology, we're human on the cringe, the negative social feedback. And we don't see the trust, the admiration, that's less apparent. So it doesn't register. And even if we really did say something a little offensive or really cross the line in that way, we often approach these things as if they're one shot, but they're not. Disclosure is a campaign so you can go to their, you can stop by their cubicle later on in that day or stop by wherever they are your colleague and, and ask them how they, how they're doing, how they feel. I, I, I have also been testing this and most of the time from the way my psychology works is I have thought I have offended them and I have not.

Professor Leslie John (14:59)

It is so one. Okay, so this, this research blew my mind which is that they videotaped the faces of preschoolers like 3 and 4 year olds. And they videotaped their faces as the children were watching some scary movie. And so they wanted to see how much expression, how much do children let out naturally versus like keep hold it in. They also measured galvanic skin response, so how sweaty their hands were. So I think physiological, objective, measure of stress. And you can see where I'm going here. Right. Because the more the children let it out, the less stressed they were. Put differently, the ones that held it in. They were more physiologically stressed. And then this is what like, oh, boy, Mom. They followed them. They followed the little guys, the little guys and girls. And once they. For like a year or two, and by the time they reached kindergarten, there were now gender differences. The boys were holding it back. And so as I learned about that research, I had a four year old right then. And you know, it really struck me hard. And so maybe it might be I'm swinging the pendulum in the opposite, like too raw, too, too much. Because I'm. How do you feel? How are you feeling? And this is how I feel. Although I think I'd rather overdo it than underdo it in this case. But I think that another thing I've realized, so I'm especially trying to help them share their feelings because this is also science, as in something I actually know, which is that revealing, being a good revealer, being able to share your feelings requires emotional literacy. And that's something I realized with myself as I wrote the book that like, the reason why I'm sometimes not sharing my feelings is because I don't know what my feelings are. And so it's not revealing is like the superficial issue, right? Like, it's a matter of like understanding yourself. And so I am trying to nurture that in them. And I am like crazy impressed by them. I mean, they're my kids. Obviously I'm impressed with my children. They're the best. But like my little four year old, he said, I love you, but sometimes I don't like you.

Professor Leslie John (17:22)

And then I'm like, oh, Tyler, that's amazing. I was like too excited. He was like, that was supposed to be a criticism, mom. But like, you know, I only learned to. It was actually as I was writing the book that I learned to. I knew the science of labeling feelings and all this stuff, but it wasn't until I wrote the darn thing that I actually did it. And I remember being with my therapist fetching about something, I don't know what it was, but he said, he kept saying, how do you feel? How do you feel? And because I kept saying like thoughts, cognitions, or how I thought other people thought. And then finally I, the psychologist said to him, what is a feeling? And then he gave me an emotions wheel, which is, as you know, it's an amazing tool to help you get more in touch with, with your inner state, help you articulate, understand what your emotions are, help you gain emotional literacy. And I thought, wow, I'm in my 40s and I'm learning the difference between, like, the shades of anger. Like, that there's rage, frustration, like, I'm only. And if it would be amazing if my children could do this from a young age, and the fact that they'll love you but not like you. I'm like, oh, my gosh, this is amazing. So, yeah. But I'm only at the toddler stage. Oh. Another thing that I've been experimenting with. I realized that I realized this in myself, which I would guess is common in parenting, but I don't know. You would know where we tend to. Not we tend to hide our frustration unless it's about our children, but, like, if we come home from the office and it was a really hard day, we had a hard conversation, we feel down. We don't actually say that to our children, at least not children that are four and five. And I started thinking, like, maybe there's an age appropriate way to share this. Because if I never share this, then when they feel frustrated, they're gonna think that there's something wrong with it. And they're so perceptive. Right. So, like, one day Oliver's like, what's wrong, Mom? And normally I'd be like, it's great. I'm so happy to see you. And then I was like, no, no. I feel really preoccupied because I have a deadline tomorrow and I'm stressed about it. And then I felt better. And then he was like, okay. He didn't feel. It's almost like you're gaslighting someone when you Totally. Right.

Professor Leslie John (50:57)

Totally. And with women, like, if we don't have warmth, like. Like we need. Because this is the way the world is for like it or not. Like, you gotta be warm, but then you can be assertive. And then people don't think you're a bitch. And that's how you become admired. So what does that mean for disclosure? Well, it means warmth isn't praising people a lot, being warm. But also when you have to say hard things, like saying it in a. In a developmental way, I would say. And one of the things that I have internalized is, so I'm at hbs. I'm the official bad guy in that I am in charge of the academic performance committee. So when the MBA students. I know when they get. I. That's what I thought at first, but I actually really love it because it's so interesting. Like, oh, it's so interesting. And you really understand the students, all the different struggles they go through, the different categories and the different. It's really fascinating. But so. So I'm the one that when they get enough bad grades, they have to petition to stay. And then my committee can decide, you know, what's. Whether they have to take time off or whatnot. Anyway, so I've had many conversations with them, with students having to tell them things that they do not want to hear, basically. And what I initially started, the way I initially was running these things, is that I would come prepared and I would say they. They come and they're like, why am I getting kicked out or why am I whatever, being reviewed? And I would be like, this is the reasons. Right. And that never went well. They got defensive because they're human. And so I completely changed my approach. Now what I do, I sit there and I just listen to them. They ask me, they're like, why am I here? And then I deflect. I'm like, well, how did you experience your first year? And I just keep. They know why they're here because they got bad grades. They don't need someone that. To be condescending. Right. Especially like a woman. I know that's the world we live in, sadly, but I have. I. So I sit and I listen and I'm genuinely intrigued because I'm again, I'm curious, like, what. What were the things? And then after that. So that's like the first, like the 90% of the meeting is that which I used to think of as this is like filler. There's nothing productive happening, but that's. Everything is sitting and listening and letting them be heard. Because then at the end I've heard them out. They feel like I understand them. And then I can say, well, how can I help you? And then we get real. Right. So I should tell Allison. I've been thinking about her a lot recently because I'm working on my assertiveness and my likable badassery. So I have many stories for her. Anyways, I'm talking your ear off. I'm sorry. It's nice.