Raising Good Humans Episode: How to Help Kids (And Ourselves) Tame the Inner Voice and Clear the Chatter with Dr. Ethan Kross
Release Date: April 11, 2025

In this insightful episode of Raising Good Humans, Dr. Aliza Pressman engages in a profound conversation with renowned psychologist and neuroscientist, Dr. Ethan Kross. The discussion centers on understanding the concept of "chatter"—the persistent inner dialogue that can hinder problem-solving and emotional well-being—and explores effective strategies to help both children and parents manage it.

Introduction to Chatter and the Inner Voice

Defining the Inner Voice

Dr. Kross begins by demystifying the term "inner voice," describing it as our ability to silently use language. He emphasizes its significance as a powerful cognitive tool that aids in various aspects of daily life.

"Your inner voice is your ability to silently use language. And it turns out that that is a veritable superpower that we possess."
— Ethan Kross [01:27]

Functions of the Inner Voice

1. Verbal Working Memory

   • Example: Memorizing a phone number by repeating it mentally.
   • "If you ever go to the grocery store and think to yourself, crap, what was I supposed to get? You repeat the list in your head..."
     — Ethan Kross [02:19]

2. Simulating and Planning

   • Example: Rehearsing a speech or preparing for a difficult conversation.
   • "If it's a high stakes presentation for me, I will go over my opening right in my head right before."
     — Ethan Kross [03:09]

3. Self-Motivation and Control

   • Example: Encouraging oneself during exercise.
   • "Your inner voice is a tool that helps promote motivation and helps us control ourselves when we're doing difficult things."
     — Ethan Kross [05:28]

4. Making Meaning

   • Example: Creating narratives to understand unexpected life events.
   • "Your inner voice helps us make meaning out of this messy world that we live in."
     — Ethan Kross [06:29]

The Dark Side of the Inner Voice: Understanding Chatter

What is Chatter?

Chatter is described as the "dark side" of the inner voice, where repetitive and negative thinking loops prevent effective problem-solving and emotional regulation.

"Chatter is the dark side of your inner voice."
— Ethan Kross [07:00]

Signs of Chatter

1. Repetitive Problem-Solving Without Progress

   • Continuously thinking about a problem without finding solutions.

2. Overly Harsh Self-Talk

   • Negative self-labeling, such as "I'm an idiot."

Dr. Kross underscores that chatter is a common human experience, intertwined with issues like anxiety and depression, making it a critical area of focus for emotional well-being.

Recognizing and Managing Chatter in Children

Invisible Support: A Key Strategy

Dr. Kross introduces the concept of "invisible support," where parents provide assistance without making it overt, thereby maintaining their children's sense of autonomy and avoiding the pitfall of co-rumination.

"Invisible support is a concept... providing people, in our case, kids, adolescents, with the resources they can benefit from, but without shining a spotlight on the fact that that is what you are doing."
— Ethan Kross [16:00]

Practical Strategies

1. Listening and Validating

   • Approach: Prioritize emotional connection before diving into problem-solving.
   • "First and foremost, you want to listen, empathize, validate."
     — Ethan Kross [12:12]

2. Shifting Perspective

   • Approach: Help children broaden their view of the situation to see beyond the immediate problem.
   • "Collaborate with the kid to help them find a solution to their problem."
     — Ethan Kross [12:12]

3. Offering Instrumental Support

   • Example: Taking over chores when a child is overwhelmed with schoolwork.
   • "Give instrumental support to make their life just a little bit easier."
     — Ethan Kross [16:00]

4. Indirect Advice Through Conversations

   • Example: Discussing general strategies without targeting a specific child.
   • "I share a general strategy during dinner, hoping kids will pick up on it when they need it."
     — Ethan Kross [19:58]

5. Physical Affection

   • Approach: Use appropriate touch to provide comfort and reduce stress.
   • "Touch is a powerful tool for managing another person's emotions."
     — Ethan Kross [25:38]

Advanced Tools and Techniques for Managing Chatter

Dr. Kross outlines several more effortful strategies that parents can teach their children to manage chatter effectively:

1. Distancing Techniques

   • Distance Self-Talk

     • Method: Encourage children to refer to themselves in the third person during stressful situations.
     • "Use your name and 'you' to coach yourself... 'Ethan, what do you think you should do here?'"
       — Ethan Kross [36:40]

   • Adopting an Alter Ego (The Batman Effect)

     • Method: Have children pretend to be their favorite superhero to navigate difficult tasks.
     • "If you're Batman, Batman doesn't let the bullies get the best of them."
       — Ethan Kross [36:40]

2. Mental Time Travel

   • Method: Guide children to imagine how they will feel about current issues in the future.
   • "How am I going to feel about this next week, next year?"
     — Ethan Kross [36:40]

3. Nature Walks

   • Method: Encourage spending time in natural settings to restore attention and broaden perspectives.
   • "Going for a walk in a green space is an easy thing to do and it's another way you can manage your chatter."
     — Ethan Kross [31:30]

4. Reframing Negative Thoughts

   • Method: Teach children to reframe situations more positively to break free from negative loops.

Balancing Support Without Co-Rumination

Avoiding Co-Rumination

Dr. Kross cautions against falling into co-rumination, where parents might unintentionally engage in their children's negative thought loops, which can exacerbate emotional distress.

"Co-rumination is seductive... it feels really good to connect at that emotional level, but it doesn't help you deal with the problem."
— Ethan Kross [43:22]

Effective Support Techniques

1. Transitioning from Listening to Advising

   • Method: After a period of empathetic listening, guide the conversation towards problem-solving.
   • "When can I shift us into problem-solving mode?"
     — Ethan Kross [43:22]

2. Timing and Sensitivity

   • Method: Respect the child's need to express themselves fully before introducing solutions.
   • "Sometimes they just need five or ten minutes to get it out."
     — Ethan Kross [43:22]

Key Takeaways

• Inner Voice as a Double-Edged Sword: While the inner voice is essential for cognitive functions and emotional regulation, it can become detrimental when it leads to excessive negative thinking or chatter.

• Invisible Support Enhances Autonomy: Providing support without overt interventions helps maintain children's sense of independence and reduces the likelihood of co-rumination.

• Practical Tools Empower Children: Techniques like distancing self-talk, adopting alter egos, and engaging in nature walks equip children with strategies to manage their inner chatter effectively.

• Balanced Parenting Fosters Resilience: Striking a balance between empathetic listening and guiding children towards problem-solving fosters emotional resilience without overwhelming them.

Notable Quotes

• "Your inner voice is your ability to silently use language. And it turns out that that is a veritable superpower that we possess."
  — Ethan Kross [01:27]

• "Chatter is the dark side of your inner voice."
  — Ethan Kross [07:00]

• "Invisible support is a concept... providing people, in our case, kids, adolescents, with the resources they can benefit from, but without shining a spotlight on the fact that that is what you are doing."
  — Ethan Kross [16:00]

• "Chatter is a universal. We all struggle with it at times, which is why I think it's so important to understand what you can do to minimize that experience, to nip it in the bud when it strikes."
  — Ethan Kross [28:41]

• "Co-rumination is seductive... it feels really good to connect at that emotional level, but it doesn't help you deal with the problem."
  — Ethan Kross [43:22]

This episode provides a comprehensive exploration of the inner voice and its implications for both parents and children. By understanding the mechanisms of chatter and employing strategic tools, parents can foster healthier emotional environments, promoting resilience and effective problem-solving in their children.