The Unambiguous Science of How to Use the Language of Emotion to Bolster Emotion Regulation with Professor Kristen Lindquist

Summary

Raising Good Humans: The Unambiguous Science of How to Use the Language of Emotion to Bolster Emotion Regulation

Host: Dr. Eliza Pressman
Guest: Professor Kristin Lindquist, Professor of Psychology and Neuroscience, University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill
Release Date: March 14, 2025

---

Introduction to Emotion Language and Regulation

In this insightful episode of Raising Good Humans, Dr. Eliza Pressman welcomes Professor Kristin Lindquist, a leading figure in psychology and neuroscience, to explore the critical role of language in emotion regulation for children. The discussion centers on integrating emotional intelligence fluently into children's lives from a young age, emphasizing its profound impact on various outcomes including mental health, cognitive development, and social relationships.

The Importance of Talking About Emotions

Dr. Pressman opens the conversation by addressing a common misconception: the idea that babies are born with a pre-programmed ability to manage emotions akin to adults. She clarifies that infants are initially incapable of regulating their bodily states and emotions. Through interactions with caregivers and engagement with their environment, children gradually develop more sophisticated emotional responses.

Notable Quote:

“Parents who talk with their kids more about emotions just in day-to-day life end up having kids who are better at regulating their emotions” ([04:00]).

Lindquist emphasizes that using language to label emotions helps children build a foundation for understanding and managing their feelings, which in turn fosters better social engagement and adaptability.

Practical Examples of Emotion Labeling Across Developmental Stages

The episode delves into concrete examples of how parents can effectively use emotion language at different developmental stages:

1. Infancy: Even with infants who are too young to verbalize emotions, parents can start the process by identifying basic needs.

   • Example: When a baby cries, asking, “Are you hungry? Are you uncomfortable?”

2. Toddlerhood: As children begin to express emotions more clearly, parents can help them label these feelings.

   • Example: During a tantrum, asking, “Are you mad that we have to go home from the park?”

3. Older Children: Encouraging self-awareness by prompting children to articulate their emotions and the reasons behind them.

   • Example: “Tell me how you’re feeling. Are you sad that she took your toy?”

Notable Quote:

“Use your words to label what you’re feeling” ([04:41]).

By continuously practicing these conversations, children learn to distinguish between different emotions and understand the contexts that trigger them.

Balancing Emotion Labeling with Autonomy

A critical aspect discussed is the balance between guiding children to label their emotions and allowing them autonomy in their emotional identification.

Question Raised:
“Is there a point at which we’re asking about feelings too much or overexpecting?” ([07:54]).

Dr. Pressman and Lindquist explore scenarios where continuous emotion labeling might backfire, particularly during intense emotional moments. They caution against imposing labels prematurely, which might not align with the child's actual feelings.

Notable Quote:

“I never say anything like, you’re really mad. I say something like, it seems like you might be really mad. Do you think you’re really mad?” ([07:54]).

This approach respects the child’s self-assessment and fosters a sense of autonomy, allowing them to own and articulate their emotions accurately.

Theory of Mind and Its Role in Emotion Understanding

The conversation transitions to the concept of Theory of Mind, which is the ability to understand that others have different thoughts, feelings, and perspectives.

Definition Provided:

“A mental state is an internal state that someone else has that you really only have access to through their own description and through their behavior.” ([23:35]).

Developing Theory of Mind is essential for children to navigate social interactions effectively. It enables them to empathize with others, understand diverse perspectives, and respond appropriately to different emotional cues.

Notable Quote:

“Understanding that someone else has a different experience from you is... a very complex phenomenon.” ([25:41]).

Impact of Temperament on Emotion Regulation and Language

Temperament plays a significant role in how children experience and regulate emotions. Some children are naturally more emotionally reactive, experiencing intense highs and lows, while others are more even-tempered.

Dr. Pressman's Insight:

“Kids who may be sort of genetically more susceptible to being highly reactive to the environment actually do way better when they have really responsive caregivers.” ([28:15]).

For parents of highly reactive children, consistent and responsive emotional conversations are crucial, even though these children might resist such interactions initially. Over time, these children benefit immensely from developing emotional vocabulary and regulation skills.

Overcoming Barriers to Developing Emotional Fluency in Parents

Acknowledging that not all parents may have grown up with a strong emphasis on emotional language, Lindquist offers strategies for adults to enhance their own emotional fluency:

1. Learning New Emotional Vocabulary: Expanding the range of emotion words to accurately describe feelings.
2. Reading Fiction and Shared Book Reading: Engaging with stories that involve emotional contexts to practice identifying and discussing emotions.
3. Day-to-Day Conversations: Incorporating discussions about emotions in everyday interactions, fostering a mutual growth environment for both parent and child.

Notable Quote:

“Just because somebody grew up in an environment where they felt like emotions weren’t talked about... people can, can, can and do change their emotion knowledge even once they’re an adult.” ([34:33]).

These practices enable parents to model emotional understanding, thereby facilitating their children's emotional development.

The Role of Social Emotional Learning in Parenting and Education

The episode addresses the contemporary debate surrounding socio-emotional learning (SEL), highlighting its substantial benefits despite politicization.

Dr. Pressman's Assertion:

“The research really clearly suggests that some level of basic socio-emotional learning has major advantages.” ([37:02]).

SEL not only enhances children's emotional and social competencies but also boosts academic performance and future workplace success. Dr. Pressman underscores the importance of making SEL resources accessible, especially for families facing socioeconomic challenges.

Notable Quote:

“Having a growth mindset about exploring these things with your kid, there’s no wrong way to do it. It’s the fact that you’re doing it that matters.” ([40:52]).

Conclusion: Embracing Emotional Conversations for Growth

Dr. Pressman and Kristin Lindquist conclude by reaffirming the unambiguous scientific support for integrating language of emotion into parenting practices. They advocate for continuous emotional dialogues, tailored to each child's developmental stage and temperament, as a foundation for raising emotionally intelligent and resilient individuals.

---

Key Takeaways:

• Early and Consistent Emotion Labeling: Initiate emotional conversations from infancy to foster emotional regulation skills.
• Respecting Autonomy: Allow children to identify and articulate their emotions, promoting self-awareness and ownership.
• Developing Theory of Mind: Encourage understanding of others' perspectives to enhance empathy and social navigation.
• Adapting to Temperament: Tailor emotional guidance to accommodate each child’s unique emotional reactivity.
• Parental Growth: Parents can enhance their own emotional fluency to better support their children’s emotional development.
• Advocating for SEL: Recognize and support the critical role of socio-emotional learning in overall child development.

By embracing these principles, parents can significantly contribute to their children’s ability to understand and regulate emotions, ultimately raising well-adjusted and empathetic individuals.

Transcript

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

The following podcast is a Dear Media Production.

[Kristin Lindquist]

Welcome to Raising good humans. I'm Dr. Eliza Pressman and today's episode is all about the language of emotions and emotion regulation. My guest, Professor, Kristin Lindquist, is a professor of psychology and neuroscience at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, and she's the President of the Society for Affective Science. Her research seeks to understand the psychological and neural basis of emotions, moods and feelings. And what we're talking about today is since we know how critical emotion regulation is for pretty much every outcome, from mental health outcomes to cognitive outcomes, relational outcomes, et cetera, since we know how important it is, how can we start at young ages to integrate the fluency of emotional intelligence into our children's lives? When you enjoy an episode, I would love for you to write a little review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts to just say what you liked, what you want to see more of, and help that algorithm move this podcast further out into the world to reach more people so I can help more families to thrive. Also, don't forget I have A free substack doctoralizapressman.substack.com Weekly Very Short Articles in your inbox. There is no spam. It's pretty straightforward, very useful if I do say so myself, and easy to sign up for free. There is a paid subscription, so for $4.99 a month or $50 a year, you can also, in addition to the articles on substack, get access to a monthly Zoom group where it's much more personal and you just come in with your questions. It's pretty small and really personalized and I hope to see you there. As always, you can reach me through my substack Submit Questions I'll be answering questions not only on my substack and on my Instagram aisinggoodhumanspodcast. But soon I'm gonna be doing Listener Q and A in addition to my regular episodes. So I really wanna hear your questions and be able to give you practical tools rooted in science.

[Unknown]

Why do we need to talk about and learn about emotions?

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

Yeah, I think we have this notion that babies are born sort of pre programmed to do emotion, to have emotions, and to do that in the same exact way that adults are. And the brain just doesn't work that way. You know, babies are born really with a profound inability to regulate most things about their bodies and it's really as they interact with the world around them and with their caregivers and over time grow and change and learn to sit up and to walk and to engage in the world that they start to develop these more complex reactions to the world around them beyond. I'm sleepy, I'm hungry, something's uncomfortable. Yeah. And parents really help to scaffold that process. There is a lot of research showing that parents who talk with their kids more about emotions just in day to day life end up having kids who are better at regulating their emotions, who are better at social engagement, are. And so I'm really interested in how it is that that simple process of using words to label emotions translates into having kids who are better able to adapt to the, the social and emotional world around them.

[Unknown]

Okay, so can you just give a concrete example? Yeah. You know, developmentally, so like infancy, through toddlerhood, through older kids, of talking, using language to, to label emotions and how that might, how that might sound at these different ages?

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, in some ways this is something that we're all familiar with because we hear all the time people saying, use your words. Right? Use your words to, to label what you're feeling. But there's so many ways in which we do it to our children and with our children that I think we're not completely aware of. So, you know, even when you have a teeny tiny little infant and you know they're crying and you say, are you hungry? Are you uncomfortable? Are you mad? You are starting the process of introducing these labels that the developing brain can then sort of use as an anchor to start to develop all of this concept knowledge around. And so we really do it. Many of us do it from the very beginning, you know, even when they're too tiny, probably plausibly to be feeling mad. But you know, we certainly do it with our toddlers when they throw a temper tantrum and we say, are you mad that I'm telling you to, that we have to go home now from the park. And as kids start to be able to produce language, we ask them to label their own emotions as well. So, you know, tell me how you, how you're feeling. Are you, are you sad? Are you sad that she took your toy? Are you mad that she took your toy? Or are you feeling something else entirely? Right? Are you hungry? Is it time to have a nap? And then of course this process gets much more complex as, as kids get older. You know, I, I have a, almost 8 year old and a 5 year old and the other day my 5 year old was saying to me, I feel something. I think, I think I'm, I'm stressed in my body and I'm Upset. Don't. I don't really know what it is. And, you know, we sort of unpacked that together. And helping them make those distinctions is ultimately helping them to navigate what to do next, how to regulate themselves.

[Unknown]

And so part of it is we're. We're asking them over time about how they're feeling and what the connection is between what's going on in their physical body and what. What hint it might be giving about what.

[Kristin Lindquist]

How they're feeling.

[Unknown]

And then we're giving a name for them to then be able to recall that as they go through the range of emotions throughout their little. Their day, their. Their years. But I guess my question for what I'm imagining people might wonder is, is there a point at which we're asking about feelings too much or over expecting? You know, like the example that you gave of something that people say commonly is like, use your words. Which is always funny because it's. It's also asking, like, if you're asking a toddler to use their words to label an emotion that they haven't yet learned how to label, it might not be as effective as then just directly saying how they might be feeling. But how do you balance that with telling someone how they're feeling versus teaching them the nuance of understanding and getting to know what those signals are about their feelings?

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

Yeah, I mean, I think what you just said about, you know, figuring out what the signals are, how they relate to the world around you, and sort of what that says about your own behaviors, what you should do next, what you want to do next, and so on, is sort of the issue at stake. Right. And by helping kids home in on that, we're sort of helping them separate signal. Signal from noise. But you were asking, you know, are there instances where we're asking them to infer an emotion where maybe it doesn't exist, or sort of like, what's. What's the line between us putting a label on something versus, you know, them having their own autonomy to identify if they are indeed feeling something? To the. The first point, I think this. I mean, we actually studied this in adults, but I think that this phenomenon for sure happens in children as well. But we have a study that we lovingly call our hanger study, where we asked if you make people really hungry versus have people who are satiated, and you put them in a sort of frustrating context, and you give them the opportunity to sort of reflect on how they're feeling or not, it's the people who are very hungry who are not really reflecting on how they're feeling, who experience what we call hanger. Right. They feel very strong emotions. They report that they actually, actually feel like more hatred towards the researcher, you know, all, all of these, these very strong reactions. And kids for sure experience this, right? Anybody who has known a kid, never mind parented a kid. Yeah, exactly. And so I think sometimes helping them figure out where the line is between emotion and some other dysregulation is actually really helpful. Right. And so I think being careful to be context sensitive and figure out like, well, what, what are the cause of the feelings that you're having? So, you know, no doubt you're having some feelings, but are they. Is it because you're really hungry, you didn't eat your snack this afternoon? Is it because you're really tired, you had a sleepover this weekend and now you're total disaster? Is it because you're getting sick actually? And you know, you have inflammation in your body and that's making you feel really unpleasant. And so those things are sort of like turning up the dial on, on your reactions to the world around you. So I think actually helping kids ferret out those differences is part and parcel, parcel of the, the process, but also really tricky. As a parent, I mean, I, I never say anything like, you're really mad. I say something like, it seems like you might be really mad. Do you think you're really mad? And that at least gives kids the autonomy to say, well, I don't think I'm mad, or, well, actually, I'm feeling kind of sad. And those two labels actually have really different meanings for how you would handle that.

[Kristin Lindquist]

Let's take a break so we can talk about how to deal with phones. And one of the solutions I have found is with Gab because though I don't have young kids anymore, I wish Gab had been around when my kids were under 13, because you can see that kids are always looking at our phones. You know, we're all struggling with it, but what is the space between no phone and how having a phone that doesn't give you full access to the Internet and social media? And that's what Gab is. And it's the leader in safe phones and watches for kids, teens, tweens. There's no social media apps, there's no Internet browser. They, they do have GPS tracking because for some people, that's why they feel like, oh, I have to give my kid a phone because they're walking home from school or whatever. And so they have the tech features that kids want, like music but they do not have social media access to the Internet. And so I think it's really wonderful. And the people that have not been wanting to let their kids have a phone, but have made the transition to Gab or by the way, if you have kids who they're teenagers, they're totally on phones, all's well, except they break the code. They do something that tells you they're not, you know, you need to take it away. But they still need basic access to a phone. That's another solution. Protecting your kids has never been easier. For the best deals, sign up to Gab today. No contract [e-mail] humans that's gabg a b b.com humans gab.com humans terms and conditions apply. And now I want to tell you about my sponsor, Ynab, because it's a very cool app that can help you do what you want to with the money that you have. And it helps you create a flexible plan for your money through the simple practice of giving every dollar a job which keeps you focused on the life you want. You can cover your mortgage, fund your kids college, but you don't have to sacrifice date night or a fun vacation that you've been dreaming about. YNAB helps you stop wondering where your money goes and so you can start deciding where it will take you. 92% of users report feeling less money stress since using Ynab. And the average Ynab user saves nearly $600 in the first month and 6,000 in their first year. So just remember, if you, for example, get a lot of coffee like I do, you gotta budget that. And you cannot even imagine once you plug it into ynab how much you might be spending on it. And is that fine. Is it my piece of joy that I get in the day? Yes, it is. So I might continue it, but at least I'm being super intentional. Listeners of Raising Good Humans can claim an exclusive 3 month free trial with no credit card required at www.ynab.com humans that's y n a b.com humans I.

[Unknown]

Can see a world where a child is like super upset and super dysregulated. And then a parent feels like, okay, now's the time to jump in and say like, you're so mad right now. And because we so much, we talk all the time about validating feelings and labeling feelings and all this stuff, but that could really backfire in the heat of the moment. And figuring out the balance is so important.

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think this was you Know, research aside, this was the sort of on the job training for me of parenthood, realizing that, you know, sometimes in the moment doing the labeling is not actually really helpful. You know, sometimes like taking a time out to calm down and then later revisiting it when everybody is calm is the way to go about doing that. So, you know, I think that's where the, you know, the, the wheels hit the pavement in the real world with.

[Unknown]

The, you know, you could get a whole, you know, there's like the world of social media might make you believe.

[Kristin Lindquist]

As a parent that like in the.

[Unknown]

Heat of the moment, because we know labeling emotions is so important that while someone's like screaming and crying, that might be a great time, when in fact that might, first of all, would they hear you?

[Kristin Lindquist]

Who knows, would they?

[Unknown]

Would it exacerbated? And here's my other question about it. And this doesn't matter whether we're talking about toddlers or 35 year olds or 50 year old. But like distinguish between those moments when our kids need language, like they need us. And true for adults too, like you're validating what's going on for them. You're helping them understand or define how to connect those feelings in their body to what's happening for them in their brain and all this stuff versus like just being quiet because they need to just experience your presence. Like how do we. Because I could see some people bending on the side, I certainly err on the side of saying more. But now I have older teenagers and that can be incredibly annoying. Whereas it was probably really helpful when they were younger, now it's like just alienating. And I wonder too, within research with adults and emotions, like how, what's the role of the other person when you're trying to not only bolster like the, the, the child's or other person's growth and capacity for understanding emotion regulation, all that, but also you're trying to connect.

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

Yeah, I mean, I think, I think it's really tricky. You know, you, you use the example of sometimes you just need to be present. Right. And I think there you just have to take, take cues from the other person again, whether they are a toddler or a 50 year old or 90 year old. But yeah, sure, there are times where you could ask your child, you know what, what would be most helpful right now? Do you want to take a break? You know, I have one kid who really benefits from taking a break. You know, she goes in the other room and she closes the door and she calms herself down. I have another Kid who just wants snuggles. Right. And so to some extent you learn over time what works for other people. And many of these conversations are probably not best had in the heat of the moment. They're maybe not even best had about one's own emotional experiences, but sort of in commenting on just emotions in general. Right. So in the work that's on parental use of language and child emotion knowledge, you know, these are just sort of day to day conversations with kids, you know, three to six or seven, and you know, in the conversations about what happened at school today or you know, what happened at the soccer game, you know, peppering in things about like, oh, you know, how, how do you think that person was feeling or what do you think happened to make them feel that way? Or how are you feeling what, what happened to make you feel that way? Like, that's the sort of day to day building of this emotion knowledge that then in turn helps the next time somebody is, is mid meltdown. And so I think it's really the sort of focus on the emotional significance of events, sort of more generally that can help as well as being in tune to sort of what somebody needs in the moment. And I think depending on the age of your child, you can ask your own child, you know, what do you think would help right now? And I think surprisingly, they sometimes have answers to that.

[Unknown]

So is shared book reading a good opportunity to.

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

Talk about emotions?

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

Absolutely. Yeah. So shared book reading, you know, probably shared engagement in any media. But books I think are, are even better because, you know, you're sitting there together, you know, side by side on the bed, consuming them. And as you are reading, I mean, bonus, if it's a book that actually has some mental state language in it. And books seem to vary really greatly in whether they do. I also think that books that are pitched at different gender identities have more or less of that knowledge. But, you know, as the reader, you can spontaneously add things as you're looking at pictures and say, like, oh, what do you think is happening there? Like, why, why do you think? What do you think she feels? What do you think he feels? What did that truck just do to, you know, make that other truck feel upset? You know, sort of having them engage in that, that mental state inference is a way of sort of like doing their, their emotional workout.

[Kristin Lindquist]

Now for a quick break so I can tell you about my sponsors. I want to tell you about Sakara because it is a whole body wellness company that makes nutrition programs and supplements that nourish and activate your whole body system to help you function at your most powerful. It's developed with such high quality, such intentionality with bioavailable ingredients to deliver targeted results that you can see and feel that are free of GMOs, free of dairy, free of gluten, free of added sugars and artificial sweeteners. And it's third party tested, designed to feel like a sensory self care ritual versus a chore because oh my goodness, there's just so much to do to stay healthy.

[Unknown]

There's just so many things that we have to do. So I love that they have a.

[Kristin Lindquist]

Daily elixir that is an all in one vitamin boost and it's just a bright citrusy sip instead of another vitamin to take. Just one sip a day covers your key nutritional needs. And they have a night service support.

[Unknown]

Which really helps with restorative sleep.

[Kristin Lindquist]

And it doesn't have grogginess in the morning. So I'm into that too because I need sleep and just with age, time and kids and work and life and the whole thing, it's just harder and harder to get a good night's sleep, but much easier to feel tired. And what I love most about Sakara is the quality, nutrient dense whole food derived ingredients in the most bioavailable formats.

[Unknown]

So you can really feel the results.

[Kristin Lindquist]

Head to sakara.com and check out the Essentials bundle and don't forget to tell them how you heard about them at checkout. Raising Good humans podcast, that's Sakara.com S A K-A-R-A.com My sponsor, Wayfair comes up all the time because basically every time I'm googling something that I need for the house, Wayfair comes up. So I've been using Wayfair for years because little known fact, I move a lot and I love decorating and I love just like zhuzhing things and organizing things. Or let me say this, I don't really love organizing, but I like when things are organized. So I'm fairly obsessed with all of the fantastic organizational stuff that you can get on Wayfair. My office is covered in the most perfect boxes, clear and concise and you just know what's happening. But anyway, this is why I love Wayfair because I also got outdoor furniture on there. So you can kind of pick anything you need and go look and it.

[Unknown]

Will be at Wayfair.

[Kristin Lindquist]

And if you need to do a beading project, a craft project, we, you know, we're not crafty over here, I'm not gonna lie. But we do make a pretty big showing for Valentine's Day decor Wayfair. So find all your home essentials, storage solutions, your decor and more all in one place. Head over to Wayfair.com and find something that's just your style today. That's W A Y F A I R.com Wayfair Every style, every home.

[Unknown]

Okay, so this is so specific but will you define mental state for everyone just in case they're not.

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

You know, I think in the broadest terms I just mean a, an internal state that someone else has that you really only have access to through their own description and through their behavior. So you know something where you are drawing an inference about this ultimately really abstract phenomenon that exists inside the mind and body of another person. And really all of our engagements in any social engagement throughout life is about this mental state and about that.

[Unknown]

Yeah, it's so I, I almost feel like we should spend a little time here because we've talked about theory of mind a bit might remember talking about theory of mind and understanding the mental state of others and the development of theory of mind. But I actually think what you're talking about is such a concrete way to, to boost your capacity to understand the mental state of others, not just yourself. So I wonder if you could expand on that.

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

Yeah, so theory of mind is, is for people who don't remember is this ability that develops early on in development. Understanding that someone else has a different experience from you is shockingly a pretty complex, pretty complex phenomenon. And most non human animals we think, don't have that ability. So humans are somewhat unique in that ability. But yeah, it's such a crucial phenomenon for navigating our complex social worlds. Understanding that just because I'm interpreting a situation one way and it is making me feel angry, doesn't mean that you're interpreting that situation that way. Or just because I infer that, you know, you are feeling happy doesn't mean that you're actually happy. So it's, it's really this very sort of deep, deep philosophical quandary that we're all faced with.

[Unknown]

It's funny because even though young children have capacity to develop it, you could think we could think of plenty of adults. I'm sure just to, by, by midday today. I've already like made the mistake of forgetting that other people have a different reaction than I might to success.

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, I think it's something that as adults we probably need to remind ourselves more, you know, in our, in our work relationships and our spousal relationships. With our kids, really with.

[Unknown]

With anybody, we're hoping to help develop these skills in our kids. And it exercises our muscles to develop those skills.

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

How much does temperament. So I guess I have two questions. One, I know you do a lot of research on sort of the language, the languages that we use, how we interpret emotions. So I want to understand that. And then I also want to understand how language and temperament might impact all of that.

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

Yeah, yeah. So ultimately, my research looks at both sort of what might be more biologically hardwired, what might be more sort of influenced by language and culture, and then how those two things sort of intermingle to produce emotions across our lifespans. And so temperament for sure plays a role in people's reactions to the world around them. You know, it's pretty obvious, I think back to, you know, when I first brought my first daughter to daycare and, you know, thinking of that one infant who was just always crying and always, you know, just seemed so stressed with the world versus, you know, there was another infant whose mom, mom put him down, and he was sort of like, peace, mom, I'm good. You know, and seemed really unflappable even from this, this really early age. And so it is certainly the case that people have some underlying, probably genetic, to some extent epigenetic and, you know, influenced by the early, early, early environment, tendencies to be sort of more emotionally reactive. So to just have higher highs and lower lows, to be a little bit more, like, socially avoidant. And those sort of temperament pieces do to some extent set the stage for, you know, how you navigate the world for the rest of your. The rest of your social life.

[Unknown]

Just to close the loop on temperament. Are there things that parents can do knowing that their child is temperamentally maybe less able to access, like the fluency of understanding their own emotions and being able to think about the mental state of others and all that is, are there, is it that you want to double down more on really understanding emotions through the, you know, the everyday stuff, not the heightened emotion stuff or what do you think?

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

Yeah, I mean, I, I think there are some people who are. Are just going to have sort of tougher emotional battles to fight in terms of, you know, regulating their own reactions to the world. Some parents are going to be the parents of kids who are just a little bit more sensitive to the world, and those are the kids who really benefit from this sort of emotion knowledge. In fact, there's some evidence that, not with regard to emotion, language per se, but just sort of like the caretaking environment that Kids who may be sort of genetically more susceptible to being highly reactive to the environment actually do way better when they have really responsive caregivers. And so I think, you know, if you are the parent of a kid who seems to experience really high highs and really low lows, then, you know, they are the kid who especially needs you to have those conversations about emotions with them. They're probably going to be harder to have those conversations with because they might push back more. But I think in the long run, they, they will benefit from having those tools in their tool chest earlier.

[Unknown]

You know, and it's interesting because when you were talking about like the, talking about these emotions in the everyday stuff where it's not. Where there aren't their high highs and lower lows, those kids tend to be almost. Because they're so attuned with their, you know, they're so sensitive to the environment. It may be when it's distant, like you're talking about characters in a book or you're talking about while you're on a bench and you're not talking about your own emotions, that they actually are so much more empathetic and able to, to gain fluency in that.

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

Absolutely.

[Unknown]

Whereas, yeah, if you're, if you're talking directly about their feelings in that moment, maybe they'll be, maybe you'll get a little bit of a rejecting response.

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

Yeah, that's true. They, they. It's a superpower in some ways. Right. Like you can be more, more tuned into other people's feelings just because you experience that depth yourself.

[Unknown]

So we can just help them by valuing that and talking about that and, and then over time, hopefully putting a little. Getting a little more skilled at self regulation.

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Kristin Lindquist]

Now for a quick break so I can tell you about my sponsors. I want to tell you about my sponsor, Good Ranchers, because did you know that over 140,000 family farms in the US have closed down since 2017? So here is how Good Ranchers solves this. A hundred percent of the meat is American sourced. Every cut of beef, chicken and pork is born, raised and harvested right here from local farms in the US So you can support American Ranchers. And it's free from hidden additives. No antibiotics ever, no added hormones, no seed oils, just one simple ingredient you can read, and that is meat. And it is delivered straight to your door. No grocery runs, no long lines, no wondering if you're getting the best quality. So Good Ranchers is the way to go. And they have a really good Spring into Action campaign right now. What it is is because it's spring. Their Spring into action special allows you to get for free for a whole year their seed oil free chicken nuggets. They're back in stock. They're made with whole cuts of chicken. There's not some mystery meat that you find anywhere. And they're really quick and easy and delicious. So subscribe to any of their boxes and get free bacon, ground beef seed oil, free chicken nuggets or salmon in every order for a year plus $40 off with [e-mail] that's goodranchers.com Good Ranchers America's Meat delivered. I have to tell you about Quince. Who doesn't love the small good things in life. A little luxury, but luxury that's affordable. So I want to tell you about Quince because it is my go to for luxury essentials at affordable prices. I am absolutely obsessed with their 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters that start at $50. I cannot stress enough, they are identical to my much more expensive cashmere sweaters. Prior to learning about Quince's cashmere sweaters highly recommend and they are 50 to 80% less than similar brands because they partner directly with the top factories. So essentially, Quince cuts out the cost of the middleman and passes the savings along to us. And just because I know this comes to mind, for most of us, Quince.

[Unknown]

Only works with factories that use safe.

[Kristin Lindquist]

Ethical and responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes. So it's not that you're saving money on your clothes and then losing on ethics. Give yourself the gift of luxury you deserve with quince. Go to quince.com humans for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N C E.com humans to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com humans go bathe yourself in cashmere.

[Unknown]

So my last question is, are there any barriers to understanding nuances and emotions coming from parents? Like, is there something that we can do as adults if we're like, wow, I didn't actually grow up having this fluency. How do I develop this so that I can then help my child develop this skill?

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

Yeah, that's a great question. So there is some evidence that at the extreme, you know, people who grew up with parents who really sort of lacked sophisticated understanding of emotion tend to themselves also lack sophisticated understanding of emotion. So there's this sort of like, you know, transgenerational transfer. And so. But there's plenty of evidence that people can and do sort of bolster their emotion knowledge even, even as adults. And so even just, you know, like learning new words for emotions, reading fiction, you know, exposing yourself to contexts where you sort of have to do those, those emotional workouts and develop that nuance yourself, reading books with kids that have some of that emotional content and yourself kind of going over it and working on it can help you and your kids simultaneously sort of bolster that knowledge. So just because somebody grew up in an environment where they felt like emotions weren't talked about. And let's be honest, you know, culturally in the United States, different generations have been more and less comfortable with, with emotions. You know, certainly our parents generation were not all equally fluent in emotion understanding. And so. And that, you know, differs across different subcultures for sure, in the United States and in the world. So yes, people can, can, can and do change their emotion knowledge even once they' an adult.

[Unknown]

In this kind of era where people are arguing about whether or not we're like too emotionally connected to our kids and we're spending too much time talking about feelings and validating feelings and, and sometimes it's not about that, it's about just getting out the door. And other people who feel like there hasn't been enough supporting our children's emotions and like taking the time to validate their feelings before moving on to the next thing. Like where, where do you, where do you think the research lands?

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

Yeah, I, I mean, I think this is a tricky issue for a lot of reasons, including, you know, it's become politicized, you know, with a lot of states rolling back socio emotional learning. You know, the research really clearly suggests that some level of basic socio emotional learning has major advantage. Yeah, yeah. For kids socially and emotionally, but also in terms of academics and you know, things that contribute to future productivity in the world, if that's what the bottom line is. You know, that being said, I think that in cases where you have a highly emotionally reactive kid, it is true that sometimes you just need to, to get out the door. And I think something that people forget when validating experiences is that validating somebody's experience is not the same thing as accepting it as reality with a capital R and you know, the basis of like dialectical behavioral therapy and you know, some of these very successful therapies for people who have very strong emotions. It's to say fair that you're feeling that way. Be that as it may in this context, you know, here's what is expected of you or you know, here's what we need to do in this context, you need to get on the bus. It's. It's sitting right there. You know, we'll talk about this later. So I think it's, it's a really hard tightrope walk, but I think it would be really unfortunate to deprive, especially the kids who need it most, access to resources that help them to ultimately navigate their worlds better.

[Unknown]

Yeah. I mean I think all things being equal, we know it helps you understand the experience of others and yourself better. So that would probably only be a, a benefit. And then to your point, cognitively, like if you are able to, when you have an open enough brain because you're taken care of, you can learn more.

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Kids who are better self regulated do better at school.

[Unknown]

You're right.

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

Workers who are better self regulated do better at work. Right? Yeah, yeah.

[Unknown]

I mean we're probably not the audience for not promoting social emotional learning. Yeah, it's probably not. This is probably. You're not probably not listening to Raising Good Humans.

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

Yeah, probably not many people are going to disagree with that premise. But.

[Unknown]

But I think it's important not to politicize it or think about it in that way. But just from a science perspective, it's just, we're, we're just talking about like this is just.

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

Yeah, yeah. The science is, is pretty unambiguous and we are increasingly finding in our work that, that particularly kids from lower SES environments are struggling probably because of the factors that their parents are having to deal with. Right. So if you are stressed and you're working multiple jobs, then you have less time to read these books with your kids and talk to them about emotions. And it makes the resources available in public school all the more important. I'm trying to put myself in the shoes of a parent who doesn't have access to all of this research. And even as a parent who does have access to all of this research, I sometimes think I don't know what I'm doing. And so I don't know. I think just like having. Having a growth mindset about exploring these things with your kid, there's no wrong way to do it. It's the fact that you're doing it that matters.

[Unknown]

I. That's a fantastic way for us to end. And also just like to remind ourselves of so than.

[Dr. Eliza Pressman]

Yeah. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.