Raising Good Humans – "Your Questions, Answered: Tantrums, Bullying & Screen Time"

Host: Dr. Aliza Pressman
Guest: Caitlin Murray (Big Time Adulting)
Date: October 3, 2025

Episode Overview

In this special Q&A format episode, Dr. Aliza Pressman and Caitlin Murray (Big Time Adulting) candidly answer parenting questions sourced from Caitlin’s Instagram community. Mixing real-world parenting, humor, and clinical expertise, they dig into common family dilemmas: how to push kids towards healthy challenge without controlling, navigating tantrums and parental “blow-ups,” addressing bullying, and setting practical limits on screen time and independence. Their discussion is honest, nuanced, and peppered with memorable stories and practical wisdom.

Key Discussion Points

1. Pushing Kids: Growth vs. Pressure

Main Question: How do you encourage children to do things that are good for them but hard, without turning into a controlling parent?
[02:13–13:23]

• Aliza’s Framework:

  • Distinguish between “scaffolding growth” (positive pushing) and “achievement pressure” (controlling).
  • “Ask yourself, is what I’m asking my child to do calling into question their value as a human?” ([04:51], A)
  • Suggests a practical approach: try a new activity (e.g., skiing), commit to giving it an honest effort (e.g., 12 times), and then reevaluate.
  • With academics: push for growth, but avoid prioritizing grades over well-being.

• Caitlin’s Real-Life Example:

  • Different personalities in her kids: one tries hard despite less natural talent, the other is naturally gifted but less willing to work.
  • “You have to put in the work. It’s not just going to happen.” ([09:23], B)

• Encouragement vs. Overstepping:

  • Agreeing that kids need to be stretched but not broken.
  • The importance of accepting when a child chooses not to pursue a challenging activity, as long as they’re engaged elsewhere.

Notable Quote:

• “I wish that we had more confidence in helping our kids be a little more stretched… It’s scary to see our kids uncomfortable.” ([11:24], A)

2. Tantrums & Parental Reactions

Main Question: How should parents handle tantrums/meltdowns (in young and older kids) and their own loss of control?
[16:41–28:51]

• Caitlin’s Approach:

  • Uses “All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not” (coined by Aliza) as a mantra ([17:33], B).
  • Admits to sometimes losing her own cool, emphasizing the value of repair: “I really went completely off the deep end right along with you… I’m going to have to apologize for myself later.” ([18:29], B)
  • With little kids, sometimes they forget their outbursts quickly, whereas parents can linger on the emotional impact.

• Aliza’s Insights:

  • Young kids sometimes need physical proximity but not conversation during meltdowns ([20:06], A).
  • Shares personal stories of losing her temper with her older children, followed by feelings of guilt and the necessity of repair.
  • Stresses that repair after conflict is vital and can strengthen bonds.
  • Warns against feeling pressured by “gentle parenting” ideals that demand perpetual calm: “Nobody’s fucking always calm… Or you’re a serial killer.” ([23:37], B)

• Physical Safety:

  • If tantrums become physical or unsafe (especially in older children), focus first on safety (removing from the situation, seeking help if persistent or beyond age-typical behavior).

Notable Quotes:

• “You’re not supposed to be a robot… It’s not particularly healthy for kids to grow up in a household where there was an underlying seething that was never expressed.” ([24:48], A)
• “Repair… is a beautiful thing.” ([23:12], A)

3. Bullying: Supporting Kids & Defining Terms

Main Question: How can parents support kids being bullied, including those with special needs? Should parents intervene directly or involve the school?
[31:55–47:10]

• Defining Bullying (Aliza):

  • Bullying is not just a kid being mean—must be targeted, with a power differential, and involve recruiting others ([33:31], A).
  • Repeated, targeted physical or social aggression warrants immediate adult (usually school) involvement.

• Supporting Kids:

  • Key first step: Foster enough closeness that kids report problems.
  • Strategies for the bullied: Offer listening, ask if they need support or just a sounding board, and let them choose how to respond.
  • Not every child is comfortable with confrontation; some need permission to disengage (“Just walk away”).

• On Addressing Bullying with Other Parents:

  • Involving other parents directly can backfire. Better to work through school staff/officials unless you have a uniquely strong, trusting relationship.

• Special Needs:

  • Bullying involving children with special needs requires immediate adult intervention; schools must protect these children and escalate support.

• Allowing Exit:

  • If a situation is simply too toxic (like a sport team), it’s okay for a child to “just leave” ([44:35], A).

Notable Quotes:

• “With actual bullying, you can’t do it without adult support… I would never expect a child to self-manage a bullying situation.” ([34:31], A)
• “If your child is coming to you with this, half of what you need to do is already done.” ([37:42], A)
• “You definitely don’t have to be friends with everybody… [but] you absolutely have to be nice to everybody.” ([46:18], B’s mother’s wisdom)

4. Screen Time, Phones & Fostering Independence

Main Questions: How to set healthy limits on screen time and phones; how to safely give kids more independence in today’s world?
[52:15–64:38]

• Screen Time

  • Caitlin: Screen time can sometimes be a lifesaver (e.g., during her son’s illness, [52:46], B), and structure matters more than strict limits.
  • Aliza: Key is what screens replace—avoid during meals, before bed, and make sure real connection/movement are prioritized ([55:11], A).

• Phones for Older Kids

  • Limit use: Not during school, mealtimes, family car rides, bedtime, or in bedrooms.
  • “We have more power than we realize… If it’s not working, we can just take it away.” ([57:16], A)
  • Kids don’t need to agree with the rules; parents make the call.

• Fostering Independence

  • Caitlin’s system: Kids use Apple Watches to check in when biking around town—a compromise giving autonomy with communication.
  • Aliza: This approach depends on the context (neighborhood, city, child’s age and readiness), but technology can be thoughtfully used for safety.
  • Recommends gradual increases in self-responsibility (e.g., walking to school, public transportation) if the environment supports it.

• Nighttime Phone Rules

  • Phones out of bedrooms at night; non-negotiable household rule. “I took my daughter’s phone at night through her senior year in high school.” ([63:55], A)
  • “If they’re in your house you can say: new rule, I take the phone at night.” ([64:34], A)
  • Playful jab: “Your daughter goes to Harvard — and that’s why. Because I took the phone away at night.” ([64:38], B & A)

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• “You have to put in the work. It’s not just going to happen.”
  — Caitlin ([09:23])

• “All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not.”
  — Aliza (mantra, cited by Caitlin, [17:33])

• “Nobody’s fucking always calm… Or you’re a serial killer.”
  — Caitlin ([23:37])

• “Repair… is a beautiful thing.”
  — Aliza ([23:12])

• “With actual bullying… you can’t do it without adult support.”
  — Aliza ([34:31])

• “If your child is coming to you with this [bullying], half of what you need to do is already done.”
  — Aliza ([37:42])

• “You definitely don’t have to be friends with everybody… you absolutely have to be nice to everybody.”
  — Caitlin’s mom ([46:18])

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:01–02:13: Introduction and episode format
• 02:13–13:23: Pushing vs. controlling; positive challenge
• 16:41–28:51: Tantrums, parental reactions, repair
• 31:55–47:10: Bullying definitions, supporting kids, special needs, leaving toxic situations
• 52:15–64:38: Screen time, phones, household rules, giving kids independence

Tone & Style

• Warm, direct, honest, and often humorous—Caitlin’s candor blends with Aliza’s calm expertise.
• Frequent mutual validation; both share personal parenting fails and wins.
• Practical, non-judgmental, and deeply empathetic—“you’re not crazy” is a running subtext.

Conclusion

This engaging episode delivers both comfort and practical tools for parents facing messy, real-life dilemmas—especially when the “right” answer isn’t always clear. Dr. Aliza and Caitlin keep it real, blend expert advice with lived experience, and remind parents it's okay to be human, to mess up, and to keep trying.

Future Episode Tease:
Topics like “button pushing, sleep training, talking to kids about shootings, and anxiety” may be explored in future Q&A sessions due to popular demand.

Listen if you:

• Want validation you’re not alone as a parent
• Are looking for actionable (but not prescriptive) strategies
• Appreciate humor and honesty about how messy parenting really is