I didn’t understand, or even want to consider the possibility that my stroke permanently changed my life in an instant. How do you wrap your head around that. I did everything right. I was sober for five years. I did yoga every day at 4 PM. And I even became a runner, albeit short distance and not fast. Maybe I should say casual jogger 😂. Anyway, I thought if I followed the rules, went to the doctors, did the therapy, and pushed hard through recovery, I would get to the end of it and back to normal. Instead, I spent two years trying to force myself into a life my brain could no longer sustain. I slowly increased my work load, ignoring my pain and measuring myself against the person I was before my stroke.

I was in denial and terrified to admit that I could no longer do my job the way I used to. My career was slipping away from me. I reached the point of unmanageability. I shut my computer, sat on my porch, and sobbed. Leaving my job was devastating, but it was also the beginning of accepting who I am now instead of chasing who I used to be. My stroke took away a great deal, but it did not take away my ability to create meaning, connect with others, write, speak, and help people. Looking back, the real struggle was trusting that a different life could still be beautiful and falling back in to the arms of the unknown.

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