A Child's Rocky Transition (Why It Means She's Doing Her Job)

Summary

Respectful Parenting: Janet Lansbury Unruffled

Episode Title: A Child's Rocky Transition (Why It Means She's Doing Her Job)
Host: Janet Lansbury
Airdate: July 14, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this thoughtful episode, Janet Lansbury addresses a listener's letter about a two-and-a-half-year-old child's struggles to transition into a small in-home playgroup. Through the lens of respectful parenting, Janet explores the child’s emotional outbursts, her repeated need for reassurance ("Do you like me?"), and the caregiver's understandable desire to "fix" the child’s distress. Drawing on her decades of experience, Janet reframes these behaviors as healthy signs that the child is actively—and successfully—navigating a difficult transition. The episode offers reassurance and practical guidance to parents and caregivers alike.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Situation: Letter from a Listener (02:28 – 04:56)

• A stay-at-home mom with two toddlers has started an in-home learning group for additional children.
• She is struggling with a two-and-a-half-year-old girl who:
  • Cries most of the time she is present
  • Frequently changes activities
  • Repeatedly asks for validation (“Do you like me?”)
• The listener wonders if she should suggest another setting for the child and questions if such validation-seeking is typical at this age.

2. Understanding Child Adjustment (06:26 – 09:23)

• Adjustment Period is Normal: Janet assures listeners that it is completely normal for young children to struggle with new environments, separations, and transitions.
  • “The way children adjust in transitions often involves a lot of feelings, a lot of crying.” (08:18)
• It’s not a sign of failure or inability—either for the caregiver or the child.

3. The Right Response: Trusting the Process (09:33 – 13:04)

• Feelings as Evidence of Healthy Adjustment:
  • “This child is doing her job adjusting to this situation.” (08:18)
  • Crying and unsettled behavior reflect the child’s process of acclimation.
• Counterintuitive Guidance:
  • The child might actually benefit from spending more days in the setting, not fewer, to build familiarity and security.
  • “Two days a week for a child this age is not a lot of time to transition… For them, it’s a lot to take in.” (10:22)

4. Repeatedly Asking “Do you like me?” – What Does it Mean? (11:14 – 14:03)

• Not Pathological: Janet believes the child’s repetitive questioning is not a clinical need for validation but rather the result of picking up on the caregiver’s discomfort.
  • “She’s sensing it’s not comfortable for this mom, and that’s why she keeps going to that.” (12:49)
  • Children intuitively press on “buttons” that seem to matter to adults, especially if they evoke strong reactions.
• How to Respond:
  • Don’t let it intimidate or unsettle you.
  • “Respond to it with open arms… Oh, I think you just asked me that, but as a matter of fact, I do and I still do.” (13:05)
  • Keep responses calm, neutral, and affirming—avoid getting caught up in anxiety, worry, or the need to “fix” the child’s mood.

5. On Managing the Need for Validation and Hyperactivity (14:04 – 16:50)

• Validation: Not abnormal at this age, not a personality flaw or a sign of deeper trouble.
• Activity-Shifting: The child’s hyperactivity is part of her way of settling in; adults should not overly accommodate or be anxious about it.
  • “Let her flit around… They take whatever time they need, they cry, they’re uncomfortable, and then they finally settle in—on their time, not ours.” (16:24)

6. The Role and Wellbeing of the Caregiver (07:08 – 07:44, 22:29 – 22:30)

• Janet emphasizes that the caregiver’s comfort and boundaries matter.
  • “Of course I want to encourage her…[to] care for herself in that way.” (07:08)
  • If the current situation is overwhelming, it’s acceptable to reconsider the arrangement.
• However, a larger preschool or even less time may not be easier for the struggling child; a small familiar setting is best for adjustment.

7. General Guidance for Navigating Transitions (16:50 – 18:28)

• Trust the child’s process—don’t rush to solve or mask their feelings.
• Children’s emotional ‘rockiness’ is healthy, not a crisis.
  • “The more we try to get in there and fix that, the harder it is for the child to relax. Why? Because we’re not relaxed. We’re not entirely trusting that they can handle this.” (17:16)
• Provide predictability, warmth, and stable routine. Let go of the urge to make the feelings disappear.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Healthy Adjustment:
  • “This child is doing her job adjusting to this situation… Now, the way children adjust in transitions often involves a lot of feelings, a lot of crying.” (08:18)
• On Validation-Seeking:
  • “She’s sensing it’s not comfortable for this mom, and that’s why she keeps going to that.” (12:49)
  • “It’s just something that she’s figuring out and it’s not this deep seated need for validation that we might have worried it was.” (13:43)
• On Letting Children Settle:
  • “Let her flit around… They take whatever time they need, they cry, they’re uncomfortable, and then they finally settle in—on their time, not ours.” (16:24)
• On Caregiver Wellbeing:
  • “Her comfort matters a lot. She’s doing a very generous thing…I would want my child to be with someone that really enjoys children” (07:44)
• On the Big Shift:
  • “If we make this [shift], it will help us in so many ways as parents…putting their feelings into perspective. Their feelings are healthy, their feelings are natural.” (17:56)
• Encouragement to All Caregivers:
  • “That’s the job that children need us to trust them to do. And we can do this.” (24:34)

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Important Timestamps

• 02:28 – Listener’s Letter Read
• 06:26 – Janet introduces the idea of “fixing” children’s feelings
• 08:18 – Transition-related crying and emotional struggle is normal
• 10:22 – Why more exposure, not less, can help a child adjust
• 12:49 – Why a child repeats “Do you like me?”
• 14:03–16:24 – How to respond to the repeated validation question and activity-change anxiety
• 17:16 – Why fixing children’s feelings can make things harder
• 22:29 – Should the child switch to a bigger preschool or different care setting?
• 24:34 – Reassurance and encouragement for parents and caregivers

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Takeaways for Caregivers and Parents

• Children’s tears and turbulent emotions during transitions are healthy signs—they are actively adapting.
• Offering loving consistency, boundaries, and acceptance is enough; you do not need to fix or distract away feelings.
• Repeated questions or behaviors that push your buttons are not always cries for deeper intervention but may simply be curiosity about your reaction or comfort.
• If overwhelmed, it’s just as valid for a caregiver to re-evaluate what works for them.
• Trust children to do their “job” of adjusting—remain the steady, kind adult they can depend on.

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In Janet’s Words

• “Trust this little girl to do her job adjusting. You’re giving her everything she needs…” (16:50)
• “Their feelings are healthy, their feelings are natural. Their feelings, in a change like this, make sense.” (17:56)

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For more on respectful parenting and to connect with Janet Lansbury’s resources and community, visit JanetLansbury.com.

Transcript

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[C]

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.

[B]

Well, today I'm going to be responding to a note I received from a parent.

[C]

The situation is quite unusual, I feel, but so many of the aspects of this are very, very common and easy to misunderstand. So I believe I'm going to be able to offer something here that will help every parent. Okay, let me just dive into this letter before I try to explain it. Hi there Janet. I'm a stay at home mom and

[B]

I have two toddler boys. One turned three in April and the other will turn two in August. I began obsessing over your work and listening to every podcast around the time I knew I was becoming a mom. Being a mom has been the greatest blessing and privilege of my life. Once I survived two under two, things have gone so smoothly. It's been amazing. I guess I decided things weren't challenging enough. Laugh out loud. I I decided to open an in home learning group. I have one, two or three other kiddos Monday through Thursday. Overall, it's going well and I charge $50 a day per child. It's been so sweet to see my boys get excited and connect with these other kids and my heart is so full watching them play. I'm certainly not super rigid over naps, but I've found that when the kids are all playing, eating, et cetera at the same time, they usually nap at the same time. So it helps me stay decently organized. Still, it can of course get pretty wild with up to five toddlers at once. And I'm pretty new to this. I have no early childhood background. All I have is what I've learned from you, so thank you. My question is about a little girl that has been coming regularly. She is two and a half. We are really struggling. She seems to have a very short attention span. She wants to change activities in a matter of seconds. She cries most of the time when she is here. She constantly asks me if I like her and I've never given her any reason to think I don't. I do. I love her. She is sweet and generous and kind when she's not upset. It's hard for me to deal with the constant tears. It can start to bother me or make me feel like it's something I need to fix. As much as I wish I could say it didn't, I notice it greatly affecting my nervous system. I can hold it together for the kiddos, but once my husband gets home, I either break down or go to bed or take a long bath to relax. I'm considering talking to her mom and suggesting that she might do better in another environment like a larger preschool setting

[C]

or back home with her mom.

[B]

But before I reached out, I wanted to ask you I only have her two days a week. She is an only child with wonderful loving parents, but they work from home and I think she spends a lot of time on her tablet because of that. Not sure if that is what is contributing or something else. My question is, is there anything I can do about these behaviors or are my hands tied considering I only have her eight hours twice a week? And another question. Is it unusual for a child who is only two and a half to be searching for validation? I didn't know toddlers even knew people did or didn't like them. My boys are very smart and they tend to hit milestones early. But I've noticed that when they play with kids who aren't treating them well, it makes me sad for them, but they don't seem to go inward with that at all. And in this case with the little girl, I always treat her with kindness anyway, so I wonder where that comes from. I'm mostly just curious on your thoughts about that. Is that something learned or is it more of a personality trait that's more common in some kids, or is it a difference since she's a girl and I'm just used to boys? I can't thank you enough for your work. God bless you. So, as I said, this is an

[C]

unusual situation, and yet so many of us can probably relate to the feeling of wanting to fix feelings when children just seem constantly sort of out of sorts or they're having a really rough transition like this.

[B]

We want to make it better, right? That's natural, that's loving. And so even though this parent is

[C]

doing this wonderful playgroup program, these children are in her care away from their parents for that period of time. So what I have to say here relates to children starting any kind of program, preschool, child care, there is an adjustment period.

[B]

The main message I want to get across to this parent is, is not

[C]

that she should be okay with this

[B]

and she shouldn't want to fix it, and all of that, all of that's natural that he's going to feel that way.

[C]

And of course I want to encourage her that she has the choice to

[B]

say this isn't working for her and

[C]

to really care for herself in that way. But I also want to encourage her to understand what's really going on here with this child and how healthy it is. And if she feels up for it, I want to encourage her in the direction of not fixing and trusting what's going on here. And I'm going to give her every bit of reason that she might consider doing that. But still, like I said, it's up to her. And obviously I'm not going to try to talk her into something that she's uncomfortable with. Her comfort matters a lot.

[B]

She's doing a very generous thing, not charging very much money for these children to come and be in her care. And Play.

[C]

This is, to me, exactly the kind of person I would want my child to be with. Somebody that really enjoys the children, that

[B]

thinks highly of them. She says, I love her. She's sweet and generous and kind when she's not upset.

[C]

So this is a person that's seeing the good in children. And obviously that's the kind of person we want our child to spend time

[B]

with when they're spending time away from us.

[C]

So what I see going on here is that this child is doing her job. She's doing her job adjusting to this situation. Now, the way children adjust in transitions often involves a lot of feelings, a lot of crying. I mean, ask Mr. Chaz, ask other people who work in childcare or preschool settings, even kindergartens. Separation from parents and home and being in a new situation is a lot for very young children. I mean, it's a lot for all of us, really, but especially for children in these early years because they're not as able to understand their needs and they're not as able to communicate them. While some children do just have the temperaments that manage transition better than others, all children have some kind of adjustment. And I think that this mom knows all this on one level, when she's saying she wishes she wasn't trying to fix the feelings, but she still feels like doing that.

[B]

She wants to change activities in a matter of seconds. She cries most of the time when she's here. She constantly asks me if I like her, and I've never given her any reason to think I don't.

[C]

So the crying makes a lot of sense. It's just, it's expressing that feeling of being in this different place and being away from home. And actually, I'm going to offer an idea that is counterintuitive for most of us.

[B]

And I was really surprised when I first learned this.

[C]

But thinking about it, it makes sense that it would help this little girl if she actually could spend more days in this setting. Two days a week for a child this age is not a lot of time to transition. She's not having the opportunity to really get comfortable eating and napping and playing in this different setting. It almost feels like a brand new situation to her every time, with all,

[B]

I imagine, all those days in between.

[C]

So she needs more time there rather than less to help her settle into this situation. Right. And that sounds like the opposite of what, you know, I would have thought, which is that, well, if they're having a hard time, you do it less and that's easier on them to just do a little Bit just dip their toe in. But no, for children, they're just trying to get used to who these people are, how they respond to me. For them, it's a lot to take in. So I would consider. I mean, that would have to be all right with this. This mom. And of course, the parents of the little girl, if they wanted her to maybe spend more time there and then she will feel more a part of it, for one thing, not just like

[B]

this person that dips in once in

[C]

a while that doesn't feel as involved. She will feel more a part of it and likely adapt more readily to the expectations in this setting, if she can come more.

[B]

So I don't know if that's an

[C]

option, but I want to put that out there so that this mom and other parents listening can understand what this is from a child's point of view, getting comfortable with even just this person as a secondary attachment figure, which is what we want. When our child is in care with another person in these early years, we want them to feel attached to that person. We want them to feel comfortable. This little girl is showing that she feels very comfortable with this moment. The way she's showing that is by being vulnerable with her by saying, do you like me? Do you like me? Do you like me? I have a thought about that. The reason children get stuck in something like that is not because they really need that validation the way it might be if an adult was doing that. And yeah, it is kind of a precocious thing to say for a two and a half year old, right, to think about if people like her. But my guess is that came up at home somehow that the parents said it about someone or maybe about the this girl. I don't like when you're doing that, or I don't like you when you do that or something. Somehow this became a thing for this little girl that she knows that this is something to, I don't want to say push on like she's trying to test in some really conscious way, because she's not. But she just can't stop probing, probing, probing this with this adult in her life. And I don't know if she does this with her parents at home also, but she's going to this place that she's sensing bothers this adult. She's sensing it's not comfortable for this mom, and that's why she keeps going to that. So to get to a little of this what to do part, the way to respond to that is just to respond to it with open arms.

[B]

You know.

[C]

Oh, I think you just asked me that. But as a matter of fact, I do and I still do. Coming from a place of knowing this is something she's gotten stuck in because of the discomfort she's felt from me. I'm putting myself in here. When she says this, I get a little worried, right? I get a little annoyed. Like I have to tell her again and again and what's, you know, what's going on here? And doesn't she know I like her and am I making her feel like I don't like her? None of that is true in my opinion. She's merely putting. Pushing on that button of discomfort in this adult, trying to figure it out on some level. So once we know that's what's going on, then we can turn a corner on it and not be afraid of it anymore, not be uncomfortable about it, because it's just something that she's figuring out and it's not this deep seated need for validation that we might have worried it was. And this can look a lot of

[B]

different ways for children.

[C]

And I've talked about a lot on the podcast that children do that. They know our vulnerabilities, they notice it the very first time that we're a little bit taken aback, we're a little bit thrown off by something we're not entirely comfortable, and then they have to keep going there. And that can be true with so many kinds of statements that we say to them or, you know, things we make a point of with them, like, always tell me when you don't want me to touch you. You know, and then all of a sudden, when our child is acting out

[B]

and we're coming close to stop them

[C]

from doing something harmful or that we don't want them to do, then they're like, you're touching me.

[B]

Don't touch me, don't touch me.

[C]

And then we get alarmed by that. Right? And then they get stuck doing that. So I'm just saying that as an example. But there's so many things that this can happen with, things that our child senses matter to us, throw us off balance, that we care about, that dial into our concern in some way. That's what's going on here. So we don't have to worry. We've given her a reason to think

[B]

we don't like her and all this.

[C]

And this mom is sure she does like her. She loves her, as she said. So, yeah, trust in that, Believe in that. And just feel, as a matter of fact, I love you. I think you're amazing. I think you're great. And then she asks you again a few minutes later and yeah, still loving you over here. However you want to say it, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that you're not intimidated by it and you are allowing that to be a really safe thing for her to explore. The thing about wanting to change activities in a matter of seconds. Yeah, she's unsettled. You know, she's showing that she's unsettled. It's just going to take her a certain amount of time to get settled. But I wouldn't try to jump to accommodating that for her. Oh, you want to do this? Okay, we'll do this. Have some activities available that they can engage in and let her flit around one to the other and don't worry about that. Some children, they do, they flit around, flit around, flit around, flit around. They take whatever time they need, they cry, they're uncomfortable, and then they finally settle in on their time, not ours. And again, this would probably happen sooner if the little girl had more time to be there, but she will get there regardless if this parent wants to stick it out. But if, again, that's kind of getting our attention in a way where we're like, oh, we better find her something else. And, oh, I don't want to get that for her, but I have to let go of that, let her flit around. You know, it's like a. I don't

[B]

want to compare children to animals, but it just reminds me of like the dog turning circles, turning circles, turning circles.

[C]

Before they find how they want to lie down, they're. They're just, you know, doing what they need to do to get comfortable. So, again, my overall advice here is trust this little girl to do her job adjusting. You're giving her everything she needs, a stable adult who genuinely cares about her, a predictable, safe environment, empathy, care for her. You're giving her everything she needs. Now it's time to let go and let her adjust in her way and not trying to work with that in some way or fix it or. Anyway, I know this parent knows she doesn't want to fix it, but I just want to encourage that approach because the more we try to get in there and fix that, the harder it is for the child to relax. Why? Because we're not relaxed. We're not entirely sure about them. We're not entirely trusting that they can handle this. So that's the big shift. If we make this, it will help us in so many ways as parents, it will help us with any adjustment, going on a trip, summer vacation, and we're in this new place and our child is tearful or nothing feels right for them. Instead of trying to fix things and make it all better, let them feel like it's all wrong and they're miserable. And it's how children get comfortable. Now, I'm not saying that we should just feel fine when they're upset. Of course we're not going to feel fine. But if we put this in perspective, we can get that little bit of emotional distance we need. It's like that safety in ourselves that we need to let go of it more rather than getting sucked in so that we're riding this roller coaster of feelings with them. That's just something generally, as parents, we want to try to work on putting their feelings into perspective. Their feelings are healthy, their feelings are natural. Their feelings, in a change like this, make sense. Their feelings almost always have a reason. But the reason isn't that she doesn't have enough activities or that she needs more validation. The reason is that she's kind of, you know, grabbing around as to can everybody be comfortable and let me do this adjusting thing?

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[C]

Another question is, is it unusual for

[B]

a child who's only two and a half to be searching for validation?

[C]

I think that would be unusual and I don't think that's what's going on here. Again, like I said, I think she's gotten caught up in this thing of

[B]

do you like me? Do you like me?

[C]

And that's become a thing for her. I don't think she's asking this with the kind of understanding and genuine need that we might have as an adult if we ask something like that. Another thing that this mom says is I'm considering talking to her mom and suggesting she might do better in another environment like a larger preschool setting or back home with her mom. So yeah, again, if this isn't working for her to this extent that it's really, it's really making her question whether

[B]

she wants to do this, then she

[C]

should absolutely trust herself. But I would also say that a larger preschool setting is not what I would recommend for this or any child

[B]

that's having a hard time adjusting because

[C]

that will be a lot harder and she probably won't feel as safe to express a lot of this. She's showing she feels very safe with this adult and I would trust that small, especially for a child that's not three yet, is going to be much easier to adjust to. She's getting to vent and be a mess in this setting and that is very, very healthy. And I don't know if anything has to do with spending a lot of time on a tablet or anything else. All that's clear here is that she's very much adjusting to what sounds like a positive, positive situation that this mom is offering. So there's every reason in the world why we would want to allow her to be able to be there. But the question is whether this mom can find this place of comfort. I believe she can in this transitional messiness that's going on, putting it into perspective. So otherwise it sounds like this is all going really, really well. And whatever this parent decides, kudos to her. I thank her so much for her kind words in the note. And the fact that she can enjoy a 3 year old and 2 year old child and find it pretty easy is amazing. So this mom has everything she needs to be able to flourish as a parent and take care of other children. If she chooses to go through the rockiness of it, that's up to her. I just want to encourage her and everybody out there. Whether you have a child that's adjusting or you're a child care professional or early childhood educator with a lot of children who are adjusting, that's the job that children need us to trust them to do. And we can do this.

[B]

Okay?

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. Okay. Okay.

[C]

Okay. But my guess is that came up as. Oh, I wasn't supposed to say somehow what? I don't know if I was supposed. Saying words. Lots of words. Lots of words. Hi there Janet. I'm hi there Janet.

[B]

I'm an she said she's I'm an

[C]

oh because that's the way I said it. Okay. I'm a statement. Okay.

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