The Joy of a Self-Entertained Toddler (Yes, It's Possible!)

Summary

Podcast Summary:

Respectful Parenting: Janet Lansbury Unruffled
Episode Title: The Joy of a Self-Entertained Toddler (Yes, It's Possible!)
Date: March 10, 2026
Host: Janet Lansbury

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Janet Lansbury shares a compelling success story from a parent who, through respectful parenting principles, helped her child develop rich, joyful independent play. Janet discusses how the journey toward independent play is about far more than “getting your child to play alone” — it encompasses boundaries, self-care, and parent-child dynamics. She underscores the universal struggles parents face and reframes independent play as something all families can nurture, with patience and self-confidence.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Heart of Independent Play

• Janet acknowledges anxiety parents often feel: Many believe success stories don’t reflect "real" struggles or that these results are only possible with “easy” children. Janet insists it’s a process that applies to everyone, given the right understanding and patience.

  • Quote: “It’s really all about us understanding the process and the perceptions we need… and of course, incredible patience with ourselves.” (01:46)

• Beyond ‘Just Play’: The episode emphasizes that fostering independence in children is tied to setting boundaries and parental self-care, not just getting time alone.

  • Quote: “It’s so important that we do that, that we’re not just giving up everything to make our child happy, to do what we think will please our child.” (02:24)

2. Real-Life Parent Story: From Struggle to Success

• Janet reads an update from a parent whose 3-year-old has become a confident, fiercely independent player thanks to her guidance.

  • Quote from parent’s note:
    “I get to shower, take my time having a cup of coffee, responding to texts… for 45+ minutes every morning while I hear him joyfully reading, singing, building…” (04:20)

• Results: The child enjoys self-led play and quiet time, processes ideas from reading, and takes pride in his creativity. The parent enjoys guilt-free time for herself and her work (such as tutoring at home while her child plays joyfully nearby).

  • Quote from parent’s note: “I deeply appreciate your work and the confidence it gave me as a new parent to step back, literally and give my son the space to blossom.” (05:24)

3. The Process: How Independence Unfolds

• Janet shares candid details of her guidance and the parent’s implementation, demonstrating that the journey was challenging, not magic.
  • Resistance is normal: Children often object to separations, especially if change is sudden or their routines have become parent-dependent.
  • Children are adaptive: Even a strong-willed or “older” child can learn independent play if the parent is consistent and confident.
    • Quote: “Children are very adaptable. That’s what they’re all about… If we’re willing to brave the process… we will get the results.” (06:17)

4. Honoring Feelings & Setting Boundaries

• Less explanation, more connection: Janet suggests minimizing lengthy explanations when leaving a child to play; instead, simply acknowledge their feelings and be present with their discomfort.

  • Quote: “Even just one of these sentences, it’s a lot of verbiage for somebody that’s eight months old especially… it’s almost like we’re trying to convince our child… but it’s more the way our child is responding that we want to acknowledge.” (12:53–13:43)
  • Suggested script: “I’m going to go do this and be back in a few minutes. I can’t wait to see you again. Whoa, you’re not liking this… You want to be on the same side with me.” (14:35–14:54)

• Acknowledge a child’s right to object: Allowing children to voice their displeasure is healthy and sets the foundation for respectful boundaries.

  • Quote: “You’ve got a right to say no to this. And I want to hear that.” (14:03)

• Tuning into the emotional nuance: Janet emphasizes distinguishing cries of fear from those of anger or frustration, so responses can be appropriate and sensitive.

  • Quote: “We have to be able to hear them, to be able to decipher them… it’s not going to be as easy for us to detect… if we’re trying to make all the feelings go away.” (16:02)

5. Making It Routine—and Why That Matters

• Create predictable separation-connection cycles: Janet encourages parents to establish regular periods of connection and confident separations, so children know what to expect.

  • Quote: “So one of the things I encourage this parent to do is make a routine, which it sounds like she did, because in her note she’s talking about the mornings… having this whole 45 minutes to an hour to herself, which is just amazing, right?” (19:58–20:03)

• The parent’s confidence matters most: Children take emotional cues from adults; projecting comfort and conviction enables them to settle in and embrace independent play.

  • Quote: “Our comfort level is the baseline for their comfort level.” (25:23)

6. Practical Considerations and Questions

• Follow-up exchange: Janet answers the parent’s practical questions about how long to leave a child and how to build up time:

  • There’s no fixed duration; it should be a gradual, responsive process.
  • Leaving and returning should feel like a disagreement, not an abandonment. When returning, join the child in the play space rather than immediately freeing them, reinforcing ownership and comfort in the space.
    • Quote: “If it’s like we come back and then we’re opening the gate, okay, you’re free, then that’s giving him the subtle message that we agree… we’ve put him in a cage and now we’re letting him out.” (27:58)

• Separation is not abandonment: Being honest about leaving, not sneaking off, builds trust and comfort with the separation routine.

  • Quote: “She realized there’s nothing about this that is abandonment… she’s being honest with him, she’s not sneaking off without telling him.” (24:12)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “It’s really all about us understanding the process and the perceptions we need… and of course, incredible patience with ourselves.” (01:46)
• “I deeply appreciate your work and the confidence it gave me as a new parent to step back, literally and give my son the space to blossom.” (05:24)
• “You’ve got a right to say no to this. And I want to hear that.” (14:03)
• “Our comfort level is the baseline for their comfort level.” (25:23)
• “Children are very adaptable. That’s what they’re all about… If we’re willing to brave the process… we will get the results.” (06:17)
• “Leaving and returning should feel like a disagreement, not an abandonment.” (27:58)

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Important Timestamps

• 01:01–02:10 – Introducing the theme: Why parental process, perception, and self-care are crucial in independent play.
• 03:54–05:51 – Reading the parent’s success update and describing real-life outcomes.
• 09:24–14:29 – Parent’s original struggle and Janet’s foundational advice exchange.
• 14:35–16:22 – The right way to acknowledge—and not over-explain—separation.
• 19:13–20:03 – Establishing routines for connection and separation.
• 23:36–25:34 – Why honest separations aren’t abandonment and how to stay confident.
• 27:05–29:04 – How long to leave a child, handling emotional objections, and what to do upon returning.

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Concluding Thoughts

Janet wraps up by affirming that success with independent play is possible for all families—no child or parent is “the exception.” The path involves patient, honest boundaries, respect for children’s feelings, and self-trust. Independent play is the fruit of a healthy relational dynamic, not a parenting trick.

Final Encouragement:
“We deserve this and we can do this.” (29:33)

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Recommended Resources

• Janet’s podcast episode: Struggles with Independent Play (full transcript and episode available at JanetLansbury.com)
• No Bad Kids Master Course: practical support for respectful parenting, boundaries, and self-confidence.
• Janet’s bestselling books for deeper dives into these principles.

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Transcript

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[Janet Lansbury]

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury.

Welcome to Unruffled.

Often when I share success stories, which I think are very informative, and a lot of parents tell me they are, there are always other parents who will write to me and say, well, this just makes me feel worse because I wasn't able to do that. I'm not having this success right now. I'm having a hard time. And there's sometimes this thought also that, oh, well, that's that parent or that child that they have that's able to do that, but I couldn't possibly do that. And what I've found, what I've noticed

when I've been able to dig deeper

with parents, is that it's really all about us understanding the process and the

perceptions we need to understand how to get there.

And of course, incredible patience with ourselves

because some aspects of parenting are going

to be easier for us than others.

We all have our challenges and our journey.

In this case, the issue on the surface is independent play. But success is also about so many other things. And that's one of the reasons I

wanted to share it with you today.

It's about a child who this wasn't going smoothly with at first, who was at an age where he was just getting into that separation anxiety stage.

And then the parent and I had

a couple of back and forths about this, how she could proceed. But this goes so far beyond play, really, all the successes that she was able to have around this, she was able to set boundaries. She was able to see how to care for herself in this relationship with her child. And it's so important that we do that, that we're not just giving up everything to make our child happy, to do what we think will please our child. And the big piece in that, of course, is what we always talk about in this podcast. It seems eventually or somehow. And that is finding that place of comfort in ourselves where we can co regulate with our child, where we can allow them to have their feelings without us taking them on or you know, wanting to avoid them, make them stop, make them change, that we can actually be present when we are in conflict with our child. In a sense, when our child is having feelings about the choices that we're making, or our boundaries or just what's going on with them, their own frustrations as they're building their skills. So while this success story is about play again, on the surface it's about all of these other things that are struggles for all of us. So first I'll read the note that I just received from this parent that gave me the idea for the topic of this podcast episode.

Hi Janet, I emailed you about two and a half years ago for guidance about leaving my then 8 month old alone in his yes space for short amounts of time, despite his intense feelings about it. And you answered in a very helpful episode. I wanted to follow up and just thank you. I followed your advice and my now 3 year old adores his independent playtime.

As a result, he has a rich

inner life and high confidence in his own ideas and problem solving abilities. I am a stay at home mom and I get to shower and get ready and even take my time having a cup of coffee and responding to texts and such for 45 plus minutes every morning while I hear him joyfully reading with his stuffed animals, singing, building with magformers. I don't know what that is, but building with magformers or turning his play couch and wobble board into structures, vehicles and all sorts of creative play scenarios. He naps about three days a week now and the transition to an hour of quiet time on days he doesn't nap was easy and smooth. I've also had a tutoring student come to my home once a week for an hour since he was two and a half. He plays happily in another yes space nearby while I work and I am guilt and worry free. He truly enjoys immersing himself in uninterrupted

play for that hour.

One of our favorite ways to connect is reading and discussing books together, and I always observe him taking phrases and ideas from our reading and playing around with them when he's alone. It's a time for him to metabolize language and concepts. I deeply appreciate your work and the confidence it gave me as a new parent to step back, literally and give my son the space to blossom. Wow.

So yes, this is quite a big success.

This parent is having. I'm thrilled for her. And again, it might seem as if,

oh, this was all so easy, but I'm going to be sharing today her

whole process and the back and forth

that we had and how this wasn't easy at all. But I do believe that this is a possible adjustment for any family, even if you start with a child who's older. What makes it harder when children are

older is they get a little more

set in their ways. Our dynamic gets a little more set, but we can always change it. Children are very adaptable. That's what they're all about. If we're willing to brave the process, as this parent did with her 8 month old, then we will get the results.

So I just want every parent to

know these things are possible if you want them. I really appreciate the examples that this parent gave because the wonderful thing about this age, it doesn't always stay this way, unfortunately, is that children, you'll hear them talking out loud and you'll hear them sharing their thoughts in their play. And it's just one of my favorite things to be able to hear my child in the next room or in the room with me while I'm doing my thing and they're having that dialogue with themselves about what's going on or talking to their toys. It's just this precious thing that does go away, unfortunately. But what it gives us also, besides a lot of joy and fun in hearing that, is this realization of how important play is to our children, that he can take these concepts and these words that he's hearing in books and these situations and he can process them, put them through his system of understanding, and therefore internalize them in a deep way. That's what learning is. That's what we want our children to be able to do. And they are doing this all the time. But to be able to hear them

kind of articulating that to us and

sort of proving that to us is a gift, right? And this also reminded me of a

note I recently received from a dad who was sharing a thank you with me. And one of the things he said

was that the ideas I've shared have helped him to think in terms of

noticing rather than managing his child's learning.

And what a gift that is, right? To be able to not worry about that we're supposed to manage and make this learning happen, but that we can notice it and take interest in it and enjoy it and feel proud of our child for what they're doing or just understand them better, appreciate them more. So the podcast episodes that this parent

was referring to in regard to independent

play is called Struggles with Independent Play. It's on my website.

There's a transcript on my website too.

Some of the more recent podcasts I've done. I haven't had a chance to put

the transcripts up or the posts up

yet because I've been so busy working on my book, which also gives a lot of information about play. But this post Struggles with Independent Play. You can either listen to it or read the transcript and you can hear all the details of the advice that I gave to this parent. And actually there's another parent that I talk about too, with a slightly different issue, but all on this topic. So I'm just going to kind of paraphrase it for you now a little bit so you can get an idea of this parent's journey. First, her original question to me I

have a question regarding my 8 month old's independent play. When I'm in the same room, even if I'm just observing folding laundry or reading a book, I have observed him creating a challenging task for himself and focusing on accomplishing it for upwards of 25 minutes, or standing at his window observing the nature in the front yard, or getting curious about tiny details in the room like the door hinge, and returning to them repeatedly to investigate. Now if I leave the room, he stands at the gate and screams and cries even if he can see me and we are chatting. I acknowledge and accept his feelings when this happens. My question is, is he just not developmentally ready for me to leave him alone? And will he grow into this and one day be fine with it? Or should I work on doing some exposure therapy, so to speak, leaving the room for short periods of time, even if it is just to do laundry in the hallway where he can still see and hear me, knowing he will hate it and being ready to gently support him as he rages? I'm fine with holding that boundary and giving him practice dealing with those big feelings if it is a developmentally appropriate expectation that he be able to play alone in a gated room, and a skill that he should learn. Thank you. So I wrote back to her what a wonderful setup you have. Could I please ask you a couple of questions?

Can you please describe in detail what

this is looking and sounding like when you acknowledge and accept his feelings? That was number one. Number two, is the gate closed or open when you're inside the play area with him? I have some ideas for you and will look forward to sharing them. And she wrote thank you so much for your response. While he is expressing his feelings, I calmly say things like, wow, it sounds like you're having some big feelings about me leaving the room. You really wish I could be available right now for you, and I'm not. I know you really wish you could get to me and there's a gate up. That gate is to keep you safe. I hear you. You're feeling angry, upset, frustrated, sad about having to stay in your nursery. I have some other responsibilities right now, but I will be right back to check on you. Thank you for telling me how you're feeling, etc. All in an empathetic tone. I stay close enough to continue to talk with him, acknowledge him, and reassure him while I'm working on other things within earshot and usually within eyesight. 2 I've been intentionally closing the gate. Most times when I'm in the space with him to get him used to it, he either ignores it and plays in the room or treats it like a fun challenge, pulling up on it and trying to figure out how the latch works, trying to leverage his weight to move it, etc. He's not upset by it. The issue is when he's unable to get to me. I have the same issue. If I put up a play yard fence as a barrier to something in the main part of the house, he's

fine as long as we're both on

the same side of the barrier. If I step over it and he can't follow, he gets mad. These reactions sound much more like anger and frustration than the terrified cries a couple of months ago. If he's going to outgrow this the same way he outgrew that, I won't

make a concerted effort to get him

to be okay with the situation and we'll just wait it out. However, since it's anger and not fear, I think I'm more okay with practicing

if this is a skill he can

learn and not develop mental thank you so much.

So, as I say in the podcast episode that it was helpful to get

all this information from this parent. She's very much on track and that

I just want to help her with a couple of thoughts.

The first one is about the examples

of things that she gave that she's

saying to him when she's acknowledging and accepting his feelings. I don't believe that she's saying all

of those sentences at once, but even just one of these sentences, it's a lot of verbiage for somebody that's eight months old especially. And really for even a Toddler or older child, because they're not going to keep up with that. It's almost like we're trying to convince our child that it's really okay that we're giving them all these reasons why we need to do this and why this is happening. And while it may not feel like that in the moment, often we're doing that from a place of we're trying to reason with our child and talk them into something that they just maybe need to get the chance to in

conflict with us about and object to.

So I suggested that she focus more simply on really acknowledging his side of this. And this is true not just in

this situation, but in any boundary that

we're setting where we want to put our focus is not on, this is what I need to do and why I need to do this. It's great to say something simple about that, maybe, but it's more the way our child is responding that we want to acknowledge. Where what we're acknowledging to him is,

you've got a right to say no to this.

And I want to hear that. And really wanting to hear that, because that is part of how every boundary works with a child, by them having the right to disagree and us not being intimidated by that and not letting go of the boundary because of that, knowing that that's a healthy dynamic for us, know, assuming we're not doing something unreasonable.

So I recommend being much more in the moment and less explanatory. Here's the example I gave her.

Like, I'm going to go do this

and be back in a few minutes. I can't wait to see you again. Then that kind of thing. And then from there, mostly focusing on his reaction. Whoa, you're not liking this. I hear you. You're saying, no, you don't want me to ever leave you. Right? You want to be on the same side with me.

And this may sound like we're encouraging

him to feel a certain way, but

this is only reflecting what our child

is sharing with us.

And while it feels scary to put it out there, that is the key to this and all boundaries.

And as I said in this episode, these reactions he's having make sense. First, it sounds like he is a child with that stronger type of will. And these children, they do tell you

everything that's on their mind. They don't just accept things easily, especially when it's a new situation or something where they're not as in control of us. At eight months, this child doesn't have the words yet to explain. So the way this starts with an infant. When children have this kind of personality where they're very expressive that way, it can sound like they're deeply upset about everything when they're actually being emphatic.

And this parent made a comment in

her note that she really does hear the difference in her child when he's fearful versus when he's saying, no, I don't like this. And that's something that we do want to try to gauge as early as

we can to hear those different cries,

which, you know, we have to be able to hear them, to be able to decipher them. If we're trying to make all the feelings go away, like a lot of us, maybe all of us have the urge to do, then it's not going to be as easy for us to detect all the different things that they're communicating.

So it can be tougher as parents

to assert ourselves when we have these

stronger, more expressive types of children, especially when they're this little, when they're only eight months old. They're just tiny, you know?

But think of the power of that.

This little boy's telling her in no uncertain terms that he doesn't approve of her being the one to decide to separate from him and have a gate between them.

That's a strong position. That's something we want to encourage in him.

Right? It's okay if he separates from her.

I'm sure it's this whole exploration of control that young children do and need to do. And it kind of comes to a head in the toddler years usually. What do I control and what do I not control? Do I control my parent 24 7, or are there times when, shoot, I can't be in control of where they are and they have their own will and they're separate from me? This really healthy learning that children do, it's not comfortable learning for them a lot of the time. But expressing the strong feelings, as hard as that is to see as positive, it is positive because we are being responsive to it. We're letting our child know that we hear it and we're listening, and we are there for them, even when we're leaving them. And yes, when children do have separation anxiety like this boy had earlier, we

definitely want to be sensitive to that,

but we can't let ourselves be completely ruled by it. Or we end up unwittingly giving our child the message that we fear separating from them, that we can't be comfortable in that situation, even when it's just us taking care of our needs. And I mean, Generally, this is one of the really hard things about parenting, is that most children, and definitely children that seem to have the stronger temperament, they're almost never fine with just letting us go.

And that's a hard pill to swallow.

But it goes with the territory that they're not going to say, okay, go,

oh, enjoy your time off, mom, and I'll just see you when you get back. I'll just be playing here. Go do your chores, do your thing. I'm totally cool just to hang out.

I mean, that would be unusual if a child felt like that. There's usually a bit of a complaint at least.

But to this parent's question, is he developmentally ready to be left alone for a little bit?

Absolutely. And the earlier we start this, the easier it is.

Now we don't have to do some

kind of training or exposure therapy. This is all just natural, relationship centered learning. All the learning we want our child to do with us is not about that we're trying to get them to do a certain thing, but that we're taking our place in this relationship. That means we do the things that

we need to do.

A lot of times it's doing things like getting something together in the kitchen that's actually for our child. But even if it's for ourself, we deserve that. And they deserve to have a parent who feels whole, who feels cared for. So this can be a totally organic way our child learns through this rhythm of my parent is with me.

And when they're with me, they're totally with me.

They're not on their phone, they're not distracted at least a few times a day. But then sometimes they're not with me. And yeah, maybe I wish they were with me then, but I can let go of them when that becomes part of our routine, when it becomes part of our ritual.

So one of the things I encourage

this parent to do is make a

routine, which it sounds like she did,

because in her note she's talking about the mornings having this whole 45 minutes to an hour to herself, which is just amazing, right? At the same time, being able to observe from afar or hear her child doing this incredible learning. So it's like everything, everything we need, right? It's like our cake and eat it too, right there. But that requires us developing this different routine so that our child can get accustomed to it and comfortable with it and that they know that we feel confident with the choices that we're making. We collect hundreds of photos on our

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So again, I'm kind of paraphrasing this, but if you're interested. I encourage you to read or listen

to the whole podcast episode struggles with independent play because there's a lot more detail that I provide there that I'm not going to provide here.

But one thing I also wanted to make clear to this parent that I talk about is that she realized there's nothing about this that is abandonment, that she's abandoning her child. He knows where she is. She's being honest with him. She's not sneaking off without telling him. I think I mentioned that in this episode that I don't recommend that. I recommend her, even if it seems like it's interrupting him to say, now I'm going in there and you could

be mad at me if you need to.

And how important it is that we get comfortable with that dynamic. That part of life with a child is displeasing them because we're taking care of the things that we as an adult now need taken care of, including ourselves, maybe especially ourselves. When we're not comfortable, we'll tend to project ambivalence and things that can only make our child uncomfortable and less willing to accept the situation. They can get stuck when we don't have conviction and when we're not confident and comfortable with being in disagreement with them. What I've had to learn is that's just not as kind of us to leave them in that place. It's much more loving to be honest, to face the music of their feelings and do our job taking care of our child in the house and ourselves. So finding that place of okayness where we're okay with it, being in that dynamic. If we're seeing it as positive and healthy, even when our child complains, then that's going to help our child and therefore us, to develop our routine or whatever changes we're making. And this is again true with anything we're doing as parents. Our comfort level is the baseline for their comfort level. So now what I want to get

to is the note that this parent wrote to me that I haven't shared before.

That was a follow up to the episode.

This other exchange that we had. She listened to the episode. She wrote. Thank you very much for your help. I listened to the episode this morning and it gave me the confidence to proceed. Knowing my boundary is a reasonable and developmentally appropriate expectation. I will definitely make it a part of our morning routine and cut out explanations of why I have to leave. I'm not sure if you have time to reply, but I have questions on the details of implementing this routine. First, what is an appropriate amount of time to be gone while he is screaming the whole time? Should I start with a small amount of time and gradually increase it? And do I increase it? Regardless of whether his response stays the same? What is a target amount of time to be able to leave him that would be appropriate for nine months, a year, etc. And will it be helpful or more of a hindrance to continue to stay so close only doing tasks I can mostly do an earshot for now, or is it okay to go further away to cook, etc. As long as I keep going back every few minutes to check in and validate his right to have his feelings? I feel like this is such a delicate balancing act and I desperately want to get it right and reap the benefits for both of us individually and in our future relationship. So I wrote. I'm glad you found the episode helpful to your confidence.

Unfortunately, there really isn't a specific amount

of time I can recommend.

I would try to see this as

more of a conversation disagreement between you that he has strong feelings about, and

I'd say all those specifics when acknowledging his feelings.

You're saying no to this. You don't like me to leave you for even a moment, do you? For me, I'd only be comfortable away from him for a few minutes at a time. What are you doing when you are done and returning to him? I don't recommend letting him out to crawl around, but instead going into his room with him until it's time for his lunch, etc. Being close to him on the other side is fine and probably makes it clearer to you that this is an angry objection, not true neediness. So I don't know if that makes sense listening, but the reason I said

that is because if it's like we come back and then we're opening the gate, okay, you're free then that's kind of giving him the subtle message that we agree that we've put him in a cage and now we're letting him out. So it actually seems like a small thing, but it can be. It can make a big difference to our child's feeling of ownership of that space and comfort in that space as his place for his me time and all his explorations and learning. If we instead say, okay, now I'm back to join you in this place, you know, there, we'll see. Oh, he just didn't want me to go at all. Or maybe it's something else and he's still upset that we're in there and he's crying because he's actually tired and exhausted now and needs to eat something or go to bed or whatever. We'll get more clarity when we have this consistent response where here I am with you in your play space and then sometimes I leave and I come back and then if she wants to have him crawling all around at other

times now he's two and a half

so I'm sure he can get just about anywhere. If she wanted to do that then that could be a separate time that they have together where she is able to supervise where he's going and whether he's safe and he has this free movement time around the house. So that was the last exchange I

had with this parent before I just

got this note from her. It's wonderful to hear that she was able to I'm not surprised that she

was able to implement this and I'm

not surprised by the result either, but just very very thankful that she shared with me so I could share with you on all these topics. Independent play, boundaries, accepting our kids feelings and being confident as leaders and taking care of ourselves. All of that's in this one process that this parent shared. We deserve this and we can do this. And for much more about this dynamic of boundaries that I'm talking about and kids feelings and how to get comfortable in ourselves as leaders so that we can make these decisions and make these changes and set these patterns into place that are so life giving for both us and our kids. Please check out my no Bad Kids master [e-mail] I'm hearing every day how this is helping people and helping teachers and programs as well. Thank you so much for listening and again, we can do this.

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