← Respectful Parenting: Janet Lansbury Unruffled
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I hope your holidays have been peaceful and enjoyable and I wanted to get right to it. Beginning of a new year and talk about a pattern that I've noticed that we can fall into as parents doubting ourselves. I've said it here before so many times that the parents that write to me you almost always seem to really know what the issue is, but you question yourself, you question your instincts and what happens is that often gets us stuck in these same cycles. So I have three notes from parents who wrote to me recently and I got this sense from all of these that they're second guessing themselves and that right there is the main issue. That's where they're getting stuck. So hopefully I'll be able to explain that better through these notes. Okay, this first one I'm calling. If it's annoying and it's not working, a boundary is needed. Hi Janet. Like so many others, I love your work and it's supported my parenting journey so much in the 2.75 years I've been a mom. I recently listened to your podcast episode about emotions and trusting them and it resonated with me as that morning I had struggled to keep my cool while my daughter, who's going on three in March, was not going along with our usual schedule before her nap and continuing to stall, asking for more snacks for example, and getting upset when I told her no after the second time. The first time we went back for a snack, she ate a lot. So then when she asked again, I doubted myself and the need to move us forward. Going back downstairs and giving in annoyed me. But what if she was still hungry which then made it harder to allow her feelings and everything escalated. As I write this, it's helping me clarify that my biggest struggle and question is how do we trust our kids feelings and be there for them when we feel the pressure to keep our schedule on track and move forward. She may have had this meltdown in a bigger way because she was already tired and I wanted to just get her to bed and the stalling and emotions suddenly coming from her were not met with as much patience or acceptance. But when I try to just calmly take charge and help her move along with something like putting on her pull up or telling her we had our snack, she gets more upset, wants to do it herself or insists. And if I tell her calmly that I'm going to help her or try to just carry her up, she becomes even more hysterical and distraught and it makes it worse. I witness often in our day that when I'm calm and unruffled and acknowledge her point of view but stand confidently in the boundary I need, it's positive for both of us. But for some reason this has been happening more and I've been unsure if maybe she needs to have more emotional outbursts to get it out of her system so that nap can go smoothly or is she just doing toddler tactics that I'm giving into, like asking for a snack that are hard to ignore when I fear putting her to bed hungry? I'm a full time stay at home mom with her while also running a farm business with my husband and most of her time in the day is with me, so I definitely want to do my best. But I also want to continue to be a confident leader for her and our family. I know you're so busy and probably get tons of these, so thank you for taking the time if you're able. So yeah, there's a lot of kind of going back and forth that I feel in this parent's mind and I'm so glad that she reached out to me to ask about this because here's where I think she's totally spot on. She said for some reason this has been happening more and I've been unsure if maybe she needs to have more emotional outbursts to get it out of her system so that nap can go smoothly. Yes. So I don't know what else is going on in this family's life. It could be around the holidays, just the excitement children feel and all the disruption of routines. It could be something as small as that or maybe there's something else that this parent didn't reveal in this note or hasn't thought about, that could be affecting her daughter. But for whatever reason, we don't need to know the reason. She's showing that, yeah, she has more venting to do. That's why she's stalling and asking for these unreasonable things, because she needs her parent to be that boundary and welcome her to venture. She said the stalling and emotions suddenly coming from her were not met with as much patience or acceptance. So I don't know what patience is looking like for this parent, but I would focus more on acceptance. Patient is kind of us working it right. We're all right. I'm just going to be patient and wait. And acceptance is, yeah, bring it on. You want to scream. And when this parent says that, when she puts her foot down and tries to take charge and help her move along with something like putting up her on her pull up, then she gets more upset. Yeah. So this happens because we've been a little tentative or doubtful and we've waited a little bit too long. But sometimes it happens just right at the beginning. Say we are setting a boundary. We see, oh, she's trying to stall. You know what? I'm going to give you a helping hand. Yeah, you want to yell at me while you're doing this? Not getting intimidated by this. Because it's not like her daughter is doing tactics. I don't think kids do tactics and I don't think we need to do tactics with them. These are relationships and kids are always doing the best they can. But what they do sometimes is they have this really awkward, immature way of saying, I need a boundary. I need a boundary. I need a boundary. And they don't know this consciously. They wouldn't know how to express it to us or articulate it even if they did know it consciously. That's what gets seen as tactics a lot of the time. But she's just going, okay, I can't. I'm falling to pieces here. And just help me, stop me, let me scream. Because I just feel it building up inside of me and I need to do this and I can't do it. If you're worried I'm not eating enough and that you're doubting yourself. I need you to be confident leader so that I have this strong backboard so I can let go of some of this. If you're giving me too much control and power and room to stall and make these demands or whatever it is, then I'm still having to sit on the feelings that are going to make me feel better to express. And that release of them, while it's going to be maybe unpleasant seeming for everyone, that's how I relax and go to sleep. And I wonder if this parent has experienced this with her daughter in other ways. This parent says going back downstairs and giving in annoyed me. So listen to that. When we're doing something that's annoying us, we're not setting the boundary that we need to set. We're doubting the legitimacy of setting that boundary. Being annoyed is something to listen to and not doubt and not say, oh, well, it's just me. I'm not being patient enough or I'm not being thoughtful enough. No, it's that we're letting a 2 year old, a 2.75 year old dictate our comfort level and she can't have the power to do that. She doesn't want to have the power to do that. So I think that when this parent may not have experienced as many times as maybe she will need to, to really, really trust herself and trust that it's okay for her daughter to vent like this and okay for this parent to set her boundaries even when it upsets her daughter or especially when it upsets her daughter because that's when her daughter really needs that boundary. I think the more she can experience this without again, trying to be patient around the feelings, but instead of patience, acceptance, okay, this is a good thing. Just go. I'm not holding on to anything here. I'm just helping my little child along because she's a mess right now and she needs to do this and she's doubling down on all the demands that she made. That's what kids do when they're saying please, please, please give me this boundary so that I can vent. They escalate it, right? Well, now I'm really hungry and now I need this and now I need that. So the way this parent described it, it's how do we trust our kids feelings and be there for them when we feel the pressure to keep our schedule on track and move forward. So I would help her move forward as best you can and know that actually these two things aren't at odds with each other. Trusting her feelings is trusting. Yeah, she's got some feelings to vent. Not that she's hungry when you've already given her a snack and she ate a bunch and now she's demanding more and you sense that she's stalling. That's the part to trust and stop doubting and trust that, yeah, this girl is showing she needs to explode because she's making these demands that are making me annoyed and those are the things to listen to. So the next time that this or something like this happens, here's what I would recommend to this parent. She says, that morning I'd struggled to keep my cool while my daughter was not going along with our usual schedule before her nap and continuing to stall, asking for more snacks, for example, and then getting upset when I told her no after the second time. So actually asking the first time if this was something where you know your child has had food that I might not even have fallen into the first time. But you know, these are choices that we have to make as parents. But definitely after you had the first round of giving her snacks and this parent said she ate a lot. So the parent could also say to herself, well, okay, well, I covered that she ate. So now this is happening again. Okay, this is veering into my child saying please give me a boundary instead of please give me a snack. That's what I'm going to trust and I'm going to trust myself as the adult here to see that. So catch you that early if you want to give her the one round of snacks. Yes. But now she's asking for round two. That's a no. And getting upset when I told her no after the second time. Right there, that's your answer. She needs to get upset. You haven't done anything wrong, you haven't done anything unreasonable. Quite the opposite. So she said, going back downstairs and giving in annoyed me, but what if she was still hungry? So this is where this parent went into the land of doubt. I mean, we've all been there, right? It's so easy to do when we have these powerful children like this. This sounds like a powerful child that's kind of int. And yeah, it's so easy to kind of let them be boss here. The parent felt the pressure to help her get to bed, but yeah, what would help her get to bed is those firm, comfortable no's. This is what we're doing. I know you want other snacks. Whatever it is she's saying, we're not pushing back on that, but we're letting her know I can hear that and still help you get to bed because that's my job. And the more this parent experiences that dynamic, which I'm not sure if she's experienced all the way, if she's trying to be patient around the feelings instead of really rolling out the red carpet for them, then each time that she experiences this, she will doubt herself. Less and trust this more because we remember, right? Oh, that's right. It felt really wrong that I was saying no to her having more food and what if she's hungry? And all those doubts still came up in me. But this is the path that I need to take, this path of strength, not the path of doubt in myself as her leader. So I hope some of that helps. And this parent should know. And all these parents I'm reading about today should know. These are all issues that a lot of us have. This is not unusual feelings for parents to have. All right, here's another one. I called this one Playfulness, silliness and connection are completely different things. You've got what it takes. But maybe this is a sign to cut back. Okay, that's going to make sense when I read the story. I hope Dear Janet, you touched on this a little bit in your podcast about annoying behavior when kids urge us to be playful I struggle to be playful and silly with my kids because I'm constantly navigating the mental load of being a mom of multiple children in in my case, three, spanning from one and a half to seven years old, and running a household. Between the onslaught of communication from schools, sports, etc. Through all the different mediums, text, email, apps, and what feels like herding cats in the morning and evening, I find it nearly impossible to step back and create space for silliness and engaging in play. I know the kids need this not just for their overall development, but also to fill their cup for the day by speaking their language. I know these moments go a long way with them. They say it just takes 10 minutes per day of undivided attention and I see a vast improvement in their mood and behavior on days that we achieve this. Do you have any tricks for those of us who can't turn off the mental load? I so wish I had a trick for everything, but there is no trick for this in my opinion, or anything to do with our kids actually, unfortunately, because these are actual relationships that we're navigating here. Again, I would love to encourage this parent to stop doubting that she needs to be different than how she feels in these moments. So I don't know where she's getting this information about the play and filling the cup and all of these things. Yes, any kind of attention fills our child's cup, but it's not like this cup that's a certain size and we have to fill this every day and it's does this magical thing. It's more about when our kids need our Attention to try to be there for them and give it to them undivided. And this can be for a short period of time. It sounds like this parent is very hands on. She's doing so much. She has this huge load. I also wonder if there's ways that she can lessen some of the activities that are taking so much of her attention. But that's not because she's wrong to do those and that she should be a more playful mom. That's not what I'm saying here at all. I'm just saying for herself, for her own mental load, that she deserves to lighten it a bit. Not because she's going to be a better mom and being playing more, but for herself. That's the reason to look at maybe we don't need to do all these activities. Maybe my child could choose one sport or they could have one after school program or I don't need to respond to all these emails about everything the way I'm responding. Maybe there is something there. So just take that and put it aside. The main issue I want to talk about is. Yeah, there's times in our life when it's harder to connect and give much time to our children and certainly in the mode of being playful and silly, which takes a certain relaxed, letting go energy that we may not have a lot of days. And that's okay. One of the most surprising and relieving things that my mentor Magda Gerber said it was there will be days that you don't get together at all. And what she meant by that wasn't that we're going away and leaving our children for days, but that there's days when you don't really click the way that you want to with your child, even if you're doing a lot of the things that she recommended and I recommend, which is during those caregiving moments which children still have when they're seven years old, oh, I hurt my knee, or my hair is tangled, or I need help with the hairstyle or to put on certain clothing or help me choose all these caregiving moments in the day that start out with of course, the baby and the diapers and the feedings. These are prime time for connection because we have to do them anyway and they count for our kids. They do fill cups if we want to think of it that way, when we're able to, for that moment, put everything else aside. My other two kids are talking to me and they want my attention. I'm not going to give you my attention now. I'm going to finish this with this child right now. This is what I'm doing. And, yeah, you can keep talking. Thank you. I'm not doing it right now. And really follow through on that. For that minute that you're combing that child's hair, we're not looking at our phone or doing other stuff with other kids or 10 million other things. We're trying not to even think about 10 million other things. It's a mindfulness thing, and it actually will feel better to us. It will feel healing and calming to us when we can. Just let me look at this hair and this comb and put in the detangler, whatever I'm doing, and just focus on this small thing that's happening. That's a big moment that we can have with our child, especially when there are other siblings and we're able to give that attention. It really does count. But what Magda said was, there may be days when you don't have that. And the relief that gave me because everything she teaches us about connection and presence and this idea that days might go by where we don't connect. Forget about being playful. Like, she never said you have to be playful. I mean, that's an extra thing if somebody feels like doing that. But what kids need is simply that presence for periods throughout the day or a few times a week, you know, if we're really going through it with our three children. So for us to feel like our mental load isn't that complicated, because that's also just going to bury us as parents. We already feel stretched and all the things we're trying to hold on to. And now I got to be playful, too. I mean, forget about it. That's so not helpful to us and so not necessary. You know, the advice that I think Tina Payne Bryson's book is wonderful, that gives you. Oh, here's some things that you can do when your child is playing to connect, but none of it is as important as just connecting. I'm not on my phone when I'm doing pickup with my children. I'm right here for you. Hi, sweetie. I hope your day was good. Come, let me help you in the car. Eye contact, total focus, one minute. Whatever that takes. Those are the moments to take advantage of. And you'll feel so much better when you do. And your mental load will get clearer at least. Oh, this is where I put my energy, and this is where I don't need to. Children are very, very capable of playing. And when you have siblings, they're very capable of playing with each other. They don't need a parent to play with them. This was another thing Magda Guru believed. So I know there may be different opinions on that, but children learn a lot more from playing with each other or even by themselves than they do with us. And if we're not available for that, or when we are, were not in a jokey mood, that is just fine. Don't doubt yourself. You've got everything it takes. Maybe there are some things to cut back on for you, but not to be a better performer of silliness for your child. So I don't know what else I can say to convince you, but I believe in this so strongly. And it's the one thing about the playful parenting and things that just kind of bothers me because it does put this guilt and expectation on parents. There are parents that are just never that playful. They're just not that kind of personality. And they can have just as wonderful relationships with their children. Everybody feels connected. Kids have their cups filled. You get to be yourself in this relationship. That's what kids want. They want you. So don't doubt yourself. 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There's a reason Hello Janet, it's 2am As I pen this letter, I don't know if you'll ever read it or respond to it, but maybe getting it down on paper will clarify my own thoughts. My 4 year old daughter has discovered exactly what button to push to ruffle me. I've followed your parenting practices for several years now and it took a long time but I finally started to understand what it meant to be truly unruffled. This created an entire shift in my parenting experience wherein I was able to view my child in a much more generous, open hearted way despite her having a spicy temperament which presents lots of opportunities for me to remain the calm leader. However, lately I'm very much ruffled and I think this stems from an uncertainty of exactly how I'm supposed to respond to certain behaviors. I feel like a pilot flying the plane but not knowing which buttons on the control panel to use. As you probably guessed, there have been several big changes in our life. Our very special 17 year old dog died a few months ago which was extremely hard for my little girl and our entire family and now we've welcomed a new baby just one month old. Additionally, I've had some health issues after giving birth and needed to go back to the hospital for a longer stay and was separated from my four year old. These would be difficult events for any child, but are especially so for my deeply feeling girls and I have all of the empathy in the world for her. Yet I am struggling to guide her through some challenging behaviors because I don't know the best way to respond. Here's what we're seeing a lot of when guests come over or we go to someone's house, my daughter is incredibly rude to them. She will say she wants the person to go home, she doesn't like the person, etc. Or she might just be whiny and controlling of every small detail. People might give her gifts and she'll yell I don't like this. This is the button she instinctively knows to push that will leave me ruffled and floundering as a parent because I greatly value manners, gratitude and politeness. And the problem is I'm not sure how to respond to her. I feel so much understanding towards what she's going through and I want her to be able to vent her feelings. But at the same time I sense a boundary needs to be in place because my child can't just speak so rudely to guests and run the show. But what sort of boundary do I put up if I tell her, you need to speak in a nice way when guests are at our house, does that just slap a band aid on a behavior with a much deeper reason? If I ignore it, does that give permission for her to continue on? How do I know what's too firm and not firm enough? Her need to control small details and speak rudely also extends to our interactions at home with her dad and myself. Her dad seems to acquiesce to her, which doesn't help in giving her the sense that she has to take on a leadership role. But that's their relationship and I have trust that they will figure it out. I actually feel genuinely calm when she says rude things to me. I don't like you, you're a bad mommy, et cetera. And I usually just respond, oh wow, you really don't like me now. And if she has really controlling behaviors, for example, if I go upstairs ahead of her, she might demand that I go back down so she can go up first. I'm fine to calmly set a boundary and say I went up the stairs first this time and I'm not going to back down and then welcome the meltdown that is sure to follow. I'm happy for her to melt down and release the feelings, but what the heck am I supposed to do when there are friends and family and she comes off as a spoiled brat with way too much power. I know that's not who my kid is, but what's the best way to respond when I'm cringing inside as she whines and demands and talks impolitely to people? Okay, so this is an interesting one, right? This family is going through a lot. The baby is only one month old. The parent was in the hospital an extra amount of time. Their dog recently passed away, which is difficult for a child, but even much more difficult for us as adults. And it's our feelings that our child is usually picking up on even more than their own feelings about the pet. So all of this emotion, all this intense stuff, this transition that the little girl's going through with being a sibling now, and this baby that takes so much of the parents energy, I wonder how they could have people over right now. That's the first thing I would look at. Her daughter's behavior does make sense. Being social and at your best is not something that kids can do when they have all this stuff going on and all these feelings going on. They can't just turn that on usually. And yes, I do believe that she also knows this impacts her mother. As this parent said, she's discovered exactly what button to push to ruffle me. And I do hope, and this happens so often too, that this parent, by writing it out, she's looking at this note the way I've looked at it and is seeing, wow, what am I expecting of all of us right now? What is she expecting of herself? That she's going to be hostess and have this stellar daughter and everything's going to be cool right now. And I wonder if she's not seeing that she's expecting so much of herself and of her child here and that's what's getting in their way, I think. I mean, I would take a few months where you really minimize socializing and maybe this parent doesn't want to do that, so she needs to do what feeds her and helps her feel supported. Of course, that's number one. So maybe she could say to people before they come over, say on the phone or a text message or something. We're all going through a lot right now and my daughter's not at her best. She's having a hard time and this is one of the ways it's coming out. And yeah, still then if they want to judge or whatever, okay. But where I would put the boundary is if she's being very rude, I would take her aside into another room and just say, I Can't let you talk like this to people. Just honestly saying that, not trying to word it correctly or she said, you need to speak in a nice way when guests are at our house. Like, I would do something more connected with her there than stating a expectation or a boundary like that because she's overwhelmed. So you know what? This is hard for you to be with people right now, right? What do you need from me? Something like that. Something really open and helpful behind the scenes, not in front of everyone, but really caring and knowing. She doesn't want to be rude to people and have people think not well of her, and you don't want her to be in that position. So that's why from the outset, I would consider if some of these visits are really necessary right now, but if they are, I would set it up where you're letting people know. And you're also going to be there as backup to take your daughter aside when you can and say, this is not. This is not okay, honey, do you want to go sit with your books? Is there something you want to do but from a place of on her side instead of you need to. Or even I can't let you. Something that's really connected, that really sees her and sees what's going on. You know, she may scream at you or have a meltdown there, and that's the release of the stress that's behind all of this behavior. So I know that the theme of this podcast is doubt, but what I feel this parent is doubting is that she should somehow be able to handle all of the stuff that's gone on in the past month, that she should be able to now socialize and have her daughter behave well and manage all the behavior and everything else. I mean, the main boundary I would give her daughter and give herself is less visits. Not a punitive boundary, but just because this is what we need right now. So I would have boundaries with those people personally. But again, if this parent doesn't want that, I would still set it up for success for your daughter. And when she's not succeeding, even in the smallest way, take her aside and say something honest and real and that sees her. This is happening again. And I want to understand this, but I feel like it's really hard for you to have people here right now. And then when she talks about what's going on between all them at home, she says that she doesn't mind her saying, you're a bad mommy. And I usually just respond, oh, wow, I think I would bring in more of myself There and more connection to that too. Yeah, you're so mad at me right now. I wonder if it's because I left and I had to stay in the hospital and now the baby and has so much going on. Is that why you're mad at me? Feels like you are this parent. Start out this note saying I'm very much ruffled. And I think this stems from uncertainty of exactly how I'm supposed to respond to certain behaviors. So we don't have to know how to respond to certain behaviors. What we want to do is understand behaviors and connect with the child on that level. And this parent says how she's been able to view her child in a more generous, open hearted way despite her having a spicy temperament. So this is what kids with a spicy temperament do when they're feeling vulnerable, when they're hurting, they lash out. Lashing out at the relatives, lashing out at us. She doesn't mean any of it. It's a hurting child and it's wonderful that this parent can see that. But it seems like she's not able to give herself and her child permission to be a mess right now. And I think maybe she's not giving her child permission because she's having a hard time giving herself permission. That's what I'm guessing. But I don't know, I could be off there. I would love this parent to give herself a break, to trust herself that this isn't working right now. So maybe it's better to do less for a little bit of time and just sort of let her fan out in this behavior with me and to use all of that experience of seeing her and connecting with her in this generous, open hearted way, opening up to her now this isn't working. You're being so mean to everyone or even you're being mean to me. But I want to know what's hurting in you that you're acting like this. She's not going to come up with these answers. But just the fact that you're opening it up and seeing her like that can be so healing, or I don't even want to say can be, will be so healing for both of you. That's the path forward that I would take. And just something else I noticed that maybe might help this parent. She said the thing about the stairs. She said, for example, if I go up the stairs ahead of her, she might demand that I go back down so she can go up first. Okay, this is really silly stuff that kids do, right? This very flashy. All right, I need a Boundary. I need a boundary. I'm gonna tell you what to do. I'm gonna boss you around. And she said, I'm fine. To calmly set a boundary and say, I went up the stairs first this time and I'm not going to go back down. But even that to me feels like what this other parent was saying. Mental effort that I have to explain this most obvious thing to my child. Right. I went up the stairs first this time and I'm not going to go back down. Instead, maybe just look at her and say, no, I'm not doing that. You both know she just asked for something silly. So we don't have to do this whole thing of explaining our boundaries and our point of view to her. It's just not necessary. We can really hold our own and know that our child knows on some level what's going on, and we're not going to buy into that and we don't need to explain the whole thing and go over what just happened. That's interesting, but no, I'm not doing that. And then let her melt down, which this parent says she does do. Welcome the meltdown that's sure to follow. I'm happy for her to melt down and release the feeling. So this parent is like a million steps in the right direction. And I think she's just missing giving herself permission to be in this passage she's in right now, which is a really intense one. And it's a time to try to rest, do as little as possible, and only have people around that understand what's going on and can support you, that you don't have to perform for or have your child perform for. Thank you to all these parents for reaching out to me. And I. I hope that every parent out there, every grandparent out there, every professional caregiver out there, every teacher out there can trust their instincts a little bit more and trust that when it's not working, there's a reason. And the reason isn't that you're doing something wrong or not enough. In fact, it's usually the opposite. You're probably expecting way too much of yourself. Please be good to yourself. And again, I wish you a happy New Year and hope you get all the best life has to offer. We can do this.