When I came back from my sabbatical I thought the work was done. It would be smooth sailing ahead. So much healing happened. So many breakthroughs. I had done the work physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I felt so good.

But something was still off. There was still so much resistance there. I would shortly find out, thanks to the Holy Spirit and Lot’s wife, that the resistance was fear.

Fear of stepping out of the former season and embracing the new one. And I would not get over that fear until I mourned the season I was stepping out of. Let me explain.

I recently read a devotional that had me thinking a lot about Lot’s wife. Ya know, the whole story where she was instructed not to look back at Sodom, and she did anyway, and immediately turned into a pillar of salt [Genesis 19:26].

None of us actually know why she looked back. I like to think she looked back in fear. The unknown was ahead and all that she knew was behind her.

It has been suggested that she was attached to all she had known in Sodom, but I think if she was fleeing to somewhere familiar and she knew the exact plan or route, she would not have looked back. Obviously this is speculation on my part. There is not a lot in the Bible about Lot’s wife.

But when I think about this year, I do think I can relate to Lot’s wife a lot. Trusting God is not easy, especially under fire. Especially when the future is so unfamiliar and different.

Thinking of Lot’s wife, I am just so grateful for God’s grace but also this reframe: “There is value in looking back, not in fear, but in power, hope, and wisdom.”

The reality is that many of us are “looking back at Sodom” on a daily basis. Struggling to let go of the familiar, even when it is toxic, for where we are being called and gently guided.

This past week, I realized that is exactly what I have been doing since returning from my sabbatical. You all have been watching me walk into a new season professionally while also trying to stay attached to the old one.

But during my morning routine early last week, the Holy Spirit gently guided me to do two things:

* Give myself space to mourn the past year

* Look back at the past year with fresh eyes

And here is what happened.

I was able to accept all the emotions that came with the work, the good and the bad. And if you know anything about emotional health, acceptance is powerful.

I was able to acknowledge and release everything I had to sacrifice to be here today.

And as a result, I also got to feel the power of all the work done in that season. It empowered me to show up in spaces I had shied away from. I picked up a barbell again. I reworked my vision and mission statement. I finally chose a new IG handle for the new brand so I can say goodbye to this page once and for all.

But today I am not here to give you a three step process to mourn your past season or three ways to step into a new one.

Today, I just wanna tell you I see you, love. I feel you. I know you feel stuck and frustrated where you are.

Allllll that I have shared today came after several months of feeling absolutely exhausted. Even worse, disappointed.

Disappointed to still be here. Especially after sharing so much with you.

But I believe wholeheartedly that this is what God wanted me to share. The mess after the messy middle.

Embrace the mess and soften in God’s embrace this weekend. A new season is waiting for you, my love. I promise.

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When I Let Myself Mourn the Year I Survived