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- [00:09]
A
Hi, everyone. Welcome to the Screenstrong Families Podcast, bringing you the best solutions for parents who are serious about reducing screen time in their home. Today, Mandy and I are going to be answering your questions about screen time during the holidays. We don't have many more days left. Mandy, have you gotten all your shopping done?
- [00:34]
B
Yes, I think since last time we talked. I'm good. I think we're about ready.
- [00:39]
A
Well, I think you. You really nailed it last night with the gift you brought home. Can you explain what in the world you were thinking behind your gift?
- [00:50]
B
Well, I'm just gonna blame this on Screen Strong. No. You know, we've been putting some fun posts over the past couple weeks about how getting a puppy is way better than getting the latest, greatest technology. So we did that, and it was kind of on a whim, but a friend of ours had free puppies. And who can refuse a free puppy? So we did it. We did it. We got a puppy.
- [01:11]
A
And, Mandy, you already have a dog, is that correct?
- [01:15]
B
Yes. And ironically, according to my Facebook memories reminded me that nine years ago yesterday, we brought home our almost ten year old dog. So. So it was quite funny that it was the exact same day that we brought another puppy home. We went to play with puppies with our kids, and we ended up literally bringing one home and a sweatshirt. So after this podcast is over, we get to go to the vet and we get to go pick up a kennel and a bed and all the things. But, oh, my goodness, it's keeping everybody very busy and doing just what you said, Melanie, get a puppy. And it will take place to the screen and it's doing a great job.
- [01:52]
A
I am so excited that you are. You're doing exactly what Screenstrong is telling you to do.
- [02:00]
B
Well, let me be the guinea pig for everybody. I'll let you all know how it works out. It'll be great. She's sweet.
- [02:04]
A
Oh, my goodness. Animals are just the best when it comes to, you know, the best memories, the best family memories, the just all that cuddle time that you get with your. Your puppies and your kittens and it really, I mean, I think our memory of growing up, we have such fond memories of our do. Her name was Daisy, and my mom got her at the dog pound. And I'll never forget, she was actually, we thought a boy when we got her. And I think six weeks later, we had a litter of puppies in my closet. So we quickly learned that she was not a boy.
- [02:44]
B
Oh, my goodness. That is quite the memory. Wow.
- [02:48]
A
So, yeah, that kind of stuck with me. But we have so many funny stories about our puppy then and our dog. And I'm just so happy for your family and just best wishes for all of the wonderful memories that you're getting ready to create. And yes, that is a very strong screen strong suggestion. So way to go. Mandy is one of our ambassadors. If you're interested in being a Screenstrong ambassador, just contact us and we'll talk to you about it. But she promotes Screenstrong everywhere she goes. So we're so happy to have Mandy on today to have a discussion about all the questions that we asked y' all to give us some questions specifically related to screen time during the holidays. So we have seven questions. We're gonna go pretty quickly so we can get them all in. So, Mandy, why don't you read our first question?
- [03:38]
B
Okay, awesome. So this person asked. And again, these are from our Screenstrong families Facebook group, which if you have not joined that yet, go find us on Facebook. There's a couple questions to answer, and we'll approve you in there. But we have grown to over 1,000 parents and caregivers, you guys, and it's such a great resource for you. It is so encouraging. I know. There's so many times Melanie and I are in there commenting like, gotta go get the tissues. It's so neat to see these parents and you all that are listening, even coming together and being a support system for each other. So these questions are right out of this group. So they are personal people that have written these. So, number one, Melanie, our family went screen free three years ago. Our kids are young, and they adjusted well. We see the benefits. They voluntarily go outdoors, play independently, love to read, etc. Our biggest challenge is setting screen time limits with friends and family. So I'm always interested in learning more how to do this gracefully.
- [04:32]
A
Wow. Okay. That's a really good question. That question comes up all the time because what happens when you become screen strong and you start to see this other lifestyle of doing life without screens? You get so excited about it that sometime you can. I don't know, I don't want to say the word be obnoxious, but you can kind of oversell things because you just get so, you know. Yeah, you just get so excited, you're almost giddy about what you discovered. And so you want to tell everybody. And yet you just have to be careful because everybody has their biases. You know, we talk a lot about the blind spots and biases that parents have, and until you get a glimpse of the other side, which is what our seven day challenge kind of helps you do. But until you get that, you get very defensive when you hear, oh, no, you're. You're screen free. You must be Amish. You must be milking cows in your backyard. What's wrong with you? You know, you get all this defense coming at you. So when family comes over, there's a couple things I recommend. First of all, you've got to tell them early, if possible, give them a heads up. Not the minute they're walking in your door, but call them ahead of time and just say, you know what? We're trying something new and different. Our families really struggled with some screen overuse. And, you know, we know your family's fine, but, you know, our family isn't. And the way I describe it to our friends and neighbors and families that might be coming for extended visits, I say that I discovered that my boys were allergic to video games. We just kind of use it a little bit of humor, you know, just use a little bit of humor. And of course, I say they're allergic to porn as well, which is why we just don't want unfettered access in our house. So if even this is, even with cousins and, you know, extended family members, let them know ahead of time and say, we're working on something, you know, and we would love it if you could. If you could just help me out. You know, just help us out. And so let's not do a lot of screen activities other than watching movies and, you know, Christmas movies. We'll talk about that in a minute. But let them know ahead of time. Use humility. And the third thing is to just really offer other things to do. So have your time scheduled. This is such a big, important thing to remember when you have Christmas activities and when your typical routine is interrupted. It's really important that you, as the mom or dad, the parent, that you have a structure in your head of what kids and adults are going to be doing while they're visiting in your house. And, Mandy, what are some things. I know I'm kind of putting you on the spot, but what are some things that y' all do when you have company? I mean, I'm assuming you don't just sit around all the time. I mean, you know, the holidays, it is fun to sit around and talk and visit. And I think. I think it's really easy for the kids to go in another room and then they start doing crazy stuff on their screens while the adults are visiting. You have to be really careful and that's what I mean by having things planned. But what are some things that your family does when y' all have family over?
- [07:46]
B
For sure, a lot of games. A lot of games. We have a whole cabinet full of games. And since really cutting back on any screens in our home, the games have been coming out way more than they ever did. I mean, for years, our tradition's been a new family game, which is kind of ironic because also a lot of those years they got the newest, greatest video game, you know, so what do you think got played? So now we are breaking out card games. And, you know, the kids are older now, but we sat around just even over the week after Thanksgiving, had some family over, and there was just a lot of just sitting around the table playing games. And that's amazing how many hours that will fill up. And even while the adults are in the other room talking or cleaning up dinner or whatever, the kids are around the table playing and laughing and talking, and it's just a beautiful thing. And then, of course, if you've got younger cousins that are all around always going outside, build a fort, you know, just having those things ready and available for them to do.
- [08:38]
A
Right. And I think the other thing to offer up to kids, I think every day there should be some sort of outdoor time, and it should be scheduled, you know, like, okay, we're all getting in the car right after lunch and we're going to the park. And, you know, adults can still chat and visit, you know, but the kids have something to do. The other thing is get some things in your house. Some crafts.
- [09:01]
B
Yeah.
- [09:01]
A
And some cooking stuff that, you know, I don't know if you ever did this, Mandy, but when my kids were really little, when my oldest kids were really little, and I absolutely need to do this again. And if anybody listening to this has the directions, please post it on in our group. But did y' all ever make gingerbread houses out of graham crackers?
- [09:20]
B
Oh, yes. Yes.
- [09:21]
A
That's the most fun thing to do. So you get the icing made up ahead of time, put all this stuff out on the table, and the box of graham crackers. It is so easy. And they literally make their little milk carton size houses. And then you have bowls, like of the mints and the candy that they decorate it with. And what fun that is.
- [09:41]
B
Memory, just such a memory, you know, it's. That's going to stick in their heads forever. And you have pictures of it, but
- [09:46]
A
you want to have. But you know what? You have to have it organized so you can't just all of a sudden say, oh, I have to go to the store now and get that. And then the other thing is that I have a table set up now where anyone who comes in gets to decorate an ornament. So I have these clear ornaments and just some paint and they get to paint stuff on it and they get to take it or they can, they can leave it here. But my sister in law last year we did this and she. Or a couple years ago we did it and we still hang her ornaments on our tree and she has the Chicago skyline. It was so cute because that's where she's from. So anyway, that's just a fun thing for guests to do. And I'm sure that y' all have tons of other ideas that you can share. So what was the second part of that question?
- [10:24]
B
Yeah, so part two of that question is I would like to know how and when to introduce healthy screen use. Since our kids are young, ages 7, 5, 3 and 1, they don't need screens, but I would like to know how to gradually give them more access as they get older.
- [10:38]
A
Okay, so this isn't exactly totally Christmas related, but let me just touch on this really quickly. The first thing that you need to understand when you're introducing screen use is, is to be sure you know the difference between purposeful screens and toxic screens. And so purposeful screens, what we mean are screen use for bringing your family together. You know, maybe you're going to Skype a grandparent, maybe you're going to watch a family movie, you're going to look up a recipe, you're going to look up instructions how to do something that's using screens for a purpose. These are screen activities that generally our kids don't get addicted to toxic screens. As far as video games and social media, those fit in that category. And I would like to point out that we never allow toxic screens for our kids. And so you may be just thinking that, oh my gosh, what did she just say? I will just say that there is no context really in our life where a child will ever need a video game. I mean, think about it. That's your choice as a parent and as you are in our community and get to know us a little bit better, you'll understand what we mean by this. But your kids will be excited, exposed to plenty of video games by having friends, by going to school, by going to the dentist office and playing video games like they do at my dentist office. I mean, it's not like you're saying they'll never know about video games, but they really don't need to be a part of their entertainment. As far as phones, obviously there is a context when kids are going to need smartphones, but that's going to be when they're much older. So eventually they'll get a phone bill, be a text phone, and it'll come with, it'll come in stages and you'll want to wait till later in high school. So right now, with the ages of 1, 3, 5 and 7, you don't really need to worry too much about it. I remember being at a workshop one time when we were talking about this and mom stood up and she just had like this huge epiphany and she said, you know what, I never thought about it. I thought that if you were a boy that you just had to have video games. Like that was just part of being a boy. And I was like, no, that's not true. And she's like, wow, this has really changed my whole thinking about, about the whole thing. It's not that we're not going to talk about video games and let our kids know what they are, but it certainly doesn't have to waste their time and they don't have. It doesn't have to get baked into what they are learning to do as kids. So I don't know. You think that answered that question?
- [13:00]
B
Yeah. No, that's great. I think that's a great answer. Okay, our second official question. What are the best podcasts for a 13 year old boy?
- [13:10]
A
Okay, this is a great question. I think we talk a lot about finding other things for our kids to do and I know there are a lot of podcasts out there for kids and it's something as a parent that I would encourage you to research a little bit on your own. Be very careful about the content. Still, even with a podcast, there's one called six Minutes and that's where each episode is successful. Minutes long and the initial story is complete so they can actually get to, they don't have to wait months, you know, to find out what's going on. So that's a good one. You know, before there was tv, remember there was a thing called radio shows?
- [13:52]
B
Well, actually, I don't really remember that.
- [13:54]
A
Yeah, yeah. So there's one called the Shadows or the Shadow, which is kind of creepy, but it might be good if your son likes mystery type stuff and you can do a web search for old time radio shows and you'll find all different podcasts. But what I would like to add to this instead of podcast, maybe consider audiobooks. And especially for kids, there's a lot of books that we want our kids to know about and to read a lot of classics. And audiobooks are just a fabulous way to check the box on that life skill or goal accomplishment there.
- [14:34]
B
Yes.
- [14:34]
A
So when my kids were little, I remember the Adventures in Odyssey. I also remember Mr. Henry's wild and Wacky. Totally true Bible stories. They, we did that every night when they were going to bed. They got to listen to one of those Bible stories. And that was just, I mean, it's amazing how much they remember. They remember so much from that. Mandy, do your kids have any?
- [14:56]
B
Oh, my goodness. Of course. I'm blanking right now. There was one when they were little. We used to listen to the kids place live in the van. It was on like a Sirius XM channel. And there was a host, absolutely Mindy, who was awesome. I mean, she was even awesome for the parents listen to. She was entertaining to everybody. And she came out with a podcast. I want to say it's called wow in the World. But that's a great podcast for probably younger, not necessarily, maybe under 13, honestly, but I think even a 13 year old would enjoy it secretly, but just super entertaining. And yeah, there's lots of great ones out there and it's a great thing for them to do while they're doing something else, you know, and they're listening and they're doing a different activity. Yeah, we love podcasts.
- [15:37]
A
Well, and I, I just, I just want to say that the podcast and listening to books on tape, especially if you listen to audiobooks, you can get through so much material much, much quicker than you think. So it's like, wow, we did. We're done with this whole book. It's only been, you know, two weeks or something, so.
- [15:54]
B
And the library, I think, I don't know if you said that, that the, you know, you're usually your local library is going to have a website, the Hoopla or the Libby app, that you can go on to find different books and you can approve them. You know, what they're listening to, so you know they're listening to it and.
- [16:09]
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I recommend getting your list ahead of time so you're not, you know, having to guess every few weeks what you want to listen to next. Just make a list.
- [16:18]
B
Okay, how about question number three, which is, how can I really do a detox at Christmas?
- [16:24]
A
Oh, my goodness, I love this question. Okay, so Christmas is the best time in the world to do the detox. I know it sounds really counter, like cultural or something or counterintuitive. But Christmas really is the best time because of the change of your routine. And there's so much more to do with decorating cookies and shopping and playing in the snow or you know, playing outside, doing winter type activities. There's just so much to do. So it really, truly is the best time. And we're going to talk about some things that we can do instead with our kids here in a minute. But I want parents to understand how valuable this time. I know we've had our kids home a lot lately. I understand that, you know, the on, you know, they haven't been in school and everything. So I understand that. But what happens at Christmas is it's a natural shift in your daily routine. So I highly recommend giving your screens a vacation over the holidays. And just go to our website, do the seven day challenge, a Screenstrong challenge. You'll get an email for 7 days to explain how to do this. But again, you have to have things planned so because like I said, there's just naturally more traditions to do. Our house is more decorated this year than has ever been. It's because the kids are home and they are diving into this decorating. It's just so fun. We don't do this much decorating every year, but this year we are because we have more time. And I just want to make the point that the Detox is not that hard to do. And when you have around Christmas, when you have extra family in, that can really help because it provides a lot of distraction, I guess.
- [18:23]
B
Well, and not to mention if you have checked out the screen, strong non tech gift guide. There's another podcast about that you can go find or go to the website to find it. But so many ideas given out that Screenstrong's given out for free that if you've really tapped into those this year, your kids should have lots to do come Christmas morning, you know, and what a great time, even that last week of the year, these last two weeks, to really do this detox and go into the new year with maybe a different perspective and like, hey, we really like how this feels. Maybe we should do this for 2021. It's just a great place to start.
- [18:53]
A
No, it is. And we recommend a lot of times when you do the Detox that your family does take like a little weekend off, a little vacation, you get away from the house, you come back, everything is kind of different. You're doing things differently. And that's what Christmas can be. Christmas can Be that natural time of the year where we are going to do some, you know, inventory about. We're going to take inventory about what we need to change and do some resolutions and make some new year goals, and this is a great time to do the detox. So.
- [19:20]
B
Absolutely. Okay, let's talk about parents screen use during the holiday. We have a question about that. This person says, I would like to hear more about how to reset yourself as a parent and the challenges many of us face in creating lasting change with our own bad habits of how we got sucked into the culture change with no realization of how it crept in and changed how we parent. Wow, that's a great question.
- [19:43]
A
That is a wonderful question because she's pointing out the how we got sucked in. What'd you say? How it crept in, you know.
- [19:55]
B
Yeah. How we got sucked into the culture change with no realization of how it crept in and changed how we parent. I mean, goodness, with the kids, my. That I have, you know, 12, 15 and 16. I mean, I can look at that and go, wow, just in the last decade, how that changed me, you know?
- [20:09]
A
Yeah. And it happens very slowly. It doesn't happen overnight. You don't wake up one day just totally, you know, addicted to your phone. It kind of creeps in. And so during the holiday season, the way you as a parent, okay, want to treat your screen use, you have to be very mindful about when you're using your screens because your kids are going to be little more anxious about everything that's going on during the holidays and they're gonna be watching you and they're gonna be sometime kind of glued to you. If you have little kids and, you know, they're not in their normal routine of school, so they have more free time to watch what the heck you're doing. So we'd be mindful of not being attached to our own phones as much. When my kids were in middle school, I very distinctly remember when I would pull into the driveway, we would all get out of the car. I would leave my phone in the car because I knew if I brought it in, I would be tempted to start checking everything right away. This gave us that transition time, that entry time where I could be with them. So if there's a place, maybe you can't keep it in the car, but if there's a place that you can keep your phone, where your phone lives, where it's not in your pocket and not by your side every second, that will be super helpful. I also remember, and I still do this, that when you know, three o' clock hit when school was over, I would shut my laptop lid. Now I would open it up later, but it was just this routine that I had. And I would tell myself I had to shut the lid of my laptop and open the oven door and start cooking dinner or making cookies or doing something fun for the kids. So we, during the holidays, this is even more important than you realize because you'll get on your phone and you'll get sucked into a 20 minute, you know, check of whatever it is, email and stuff. And before you know it, 20 minutes is gone and your kids are off, you know, finding screens in the house that they can get on. So I'm really big on letting parents have their screens. Of course, I do not think that we have the same rules as our kids. We are the coaches, they are the players. We have leadership. We are adults, we have more privileges. Of course, I don't think we should put ourselves on the same level. However, during the holidays, I think it would be super good for us all to take a break off that constant stream in our pocket. So keep the phone in the kitchen. Keep it on your desk somewhere. Check it when you need to. Do not carry it around with you. You'll be more present and just more mindful about what your kids need. Um, Mandy, do you have any tips on.
- [22:50]
B
Yeah, I just thought of a couple practical things I know we've talked about a little bit in the past and that have both helped you and I both. Melanie is putting your phone in grayscale mode. Which phone? To black and white. And that's somewhere under settings. I don't know the exact spot at the moment, but it's pretty easy to find. Um, and once you put it in gray mode or grayscale mode, it's interesting because your brain, your eyes, when it sees the black and white, is not so inclined to stay on your phone as long because it's not giving you that same hit that it does with the color and all the, you know, all of that. And then the other thing that I've done that really helped me was taking social media off my phone and only accessing it on my computer. And that you're not so inclined to sit there and scroll and scroll and scroll when you have a giant screen in front of you versus if it's just in your hand. And also, I mean, I've been there and still some days, even with all this work I'm doing, there are days where I'm like, oh, my gosh, I just got sucked into you know, to whatever. And so that has helped me be really mindful. And, you know, then I'm only checking Facebook a couple of times a day versus like every hour, you know, because that's just what you want to do.
- [23:53]
A
Just have a real schedule to it and a purpose to it. I remember hearing years ago that you should only check your email twice a day. You should not check your email all day long. Anything can wait a few hours. The other thing that you just helped me remember is to keep music on in the background during the holidays. Music is such a wonderful, calm mood setter. And when you have music on, when you have Christmas carols going on in the background, we have this thing on our tv. I don't know where my husband found some kind of thing. I don't know what channel it's on, but it's literally a fireplace. It is so funny. But it plays. Yeah, it, it plays Christmas music. And the room just feels warmer. Okay, I know it's not. I know, but it just feels warmer. It's got this color crackling fireplace on the TV and it's playing Christmas songs. And my kids all start singing and we all start. And you know, you're not as tempted to go look at a screen because you're having fun. You're filling that white space a little bit with some Christmas music. And the other quick tip for this is keep a book handy. So replace your phone with a regular paper book, you know, just a paperback. And one book that we recommend that's going to be in our book club for January is Breaking the Trance by George Lynn and Cynthia Johnson. You've got to get this book, Start reading it now. Keep it on the, on the coffee table. Keep it in your kitchen. Keep it on wherever you're normally going to. Grab your phone, grab the book instead. Read a page. If you have to go do errands and you're dropping your kids off. I always have a book in my car, so I, that's why I read books. I read them in these little 10 minute nooks and crannies of my day. But during the holidays, keep a book handy. So my goodness, those were a bunch of really good tips.
- [25:41]
B
Yes. Love it. Because we parents need help with this too. And we can't just deny the fact that it's affecting us as well, you know, which I know for me was the bigger reason. When I realized how much is affecting me, I thought, oh my goodness, how's it affecting my kids? So, okay, let's go on to number five, which is how do I entertain. Entertain an older teen during the holidays?
- [26:01]
A
This is a really hot question. In fact, as you're asking me this question now, I can just see it's probably in really bold letters somewhere, because this is the biggest question parents have with the little kids. I can keep them busy. I can get them distracted doing. Doing some arts and crafts and getting them outside and giving them puzzles and giving them all the stuff to do. With older teens, it does get a little bit more challenging. And the reason why or the more challenging it gets, it's because they haven't been trained early on to entertain themselves. And so I guess what I'm saying is it's going to be more challenging if they don't have those skills in place. And so what you want to do when your kids are little is to get them in the habit of doing some of these things that I'm going to talk about here. If your kids are older, if they're 13, 14, 15, 16, they can absolutely jump in and start doing this. It is easier if they've been doing this all along, but you get my drift here. So one of the. The I've got in my head, I've got, like, five things real quick that I want to. I just want to pull out here for this question for older kids, and I'm just going to rattle them off. The first thing is music. Mandy. When our kids started really getting excited about music, it was after maybe five years of lessons. Okay, this doesn't happen overnight. But we were that parent. We were those parents who made big mistakes with the oldest kids, and we let them quit their piano. We let them quit their guitar lessons and all this stuff. I am kicking myself now. I am so mad I did that. So with the younger kids, I'm, you know, they get to middle school, they want to quit everything. I'm like, no way, you're not quitting. You know, I just smile and wave at them, you know, and. And now we're reaping the benefits because they spend so much time just playing music for pleasure, just for fun. They're learning all these Christmas songs. They are on the piano. They have a ukulele. A ukulele, by the way, is super easy to pick up and learn. They have a guitar, they have a banjo. We have two different keyboards. I mean, these. This is the gift that just keeps on giving. And when their friends come over, they all sit around the piano and they start singing, even though half of them can't sing. I mean, it's so fun. It fills all Our time. In fact, if my kids, you know, once school's out, what's going to happen is we're going to have this piano going nonstop, and I'm going to miss it so much when they go to college because I just love to hear it. So I can't say enough about music. But if they don't play, I highly recommend getting them interested in different composers and different music artists that you approve of that then you can just put on Spotify or put on your music app and just play it in your house. The next thing is art and drawing and Case in point. And I'm gonna put this in our group. We just discovered how to. How I haven't done it, but my two of my kids have figured out how to take a picture of someone's house there, you know, and you blow it up to 8 by 10, you put some tracing paper behind it, you trace it, and you do a watercolor. It's like you do a pen drawing and then a watercolor. And I'm gonna put this on the. The site. This has been keeping them busy for hours. And what a cool thing to do for gifts. So art. Think about different art projects. The diamond painting, I don't know. Mandy, are you familiar with what that is?
- [29:29]
B
I think I do. When you, like, pick up the diamond with a little tool and put it on.
- [29:33]
A
Yes. This is a really fun thing to do. It's like a little bitty jewels and you kind of glue them on this thing. And anyway, if you, if you google diamond painting, you'll see what it is that's really fun for older teens to do. Not. Not as easy for younger kids because you have to be. Your hand. Eye coordination has to be super good in your tweezer ability has to be good. The next thing is sewing, mending clothes, knitting, crocheting. I even, I even taught one of my boys to knit one time on the couch. We're sitting there and I'm like trying to get them to do it. And I know that that sounds weird. And you're. Y' all are going to say, oh, this is one of these weird groups to think that, you know, boys should sew something. Well, you know what? They should. They should know how to sew a button on. And quite frankly, they should do all kinds of sewing. Sewing is the most brain enriching activity that we just forget about. We forget just the very active knitting and crocheting. Your brain has to do so much because remember, whenever your brain has your hands working back and forth, the hands need the brain. And the brains need the hand. It paves all these pathways in their brain. So it's super, super brain enriching to have that hand work going on.
- [30:39]
B
Let me add something, Melanie. Something I saw in the cutest little boutique the other day was cross stitch or macrame. Those are two really big kind of trendy things right now, which is funny because they've been around forever.
- [30:52]
A
Yes.
- [30:53]
B
Get like a macrame kit to make, like, hanging pot, you know, holders or whatever. And that's super fun to learn and easy. And then also just the cutest cross stitch patterns. Like, one was from Hamilton. Like, it was a quote off of Hamilton. That was silly. And oh, my goodness, you could probably get cross stitch for any sort of topic or favorite movie or something that your child likes. And it would be fun. Fun. It's not just like they're cross stitching a, you know, lamb. Right. I don't know.
- [31:18]
A
So. So to. To answer this question, with older teens, these are all things that they can figure out on their own. They need to go to YouTube to figure out how to do it. Let them go to YouTube, figure out how to make the hat, how to make the gloves, how to make the scarf. Anybody can do that. There's all kind of stuff like this, like jewelry making, all this stuff with being creative and having a purpose. And so this is really important, what I said a minute ago, that they've got to have a purpose. Their activities. There is no purpose to social media and there is no purpose to video games. And what I mean by that is they have absolutely nothing to show for it. They have not accomplished anything. And let me tell you, friends, this is the reason why our kids are so stressed and anxious and depressed. I mean, can you just imagine what your life is like if you have no accomplishments, if you have no purpose? So even if you finish a cross stitch thing, you finish a scarf that is incredible, that gives you all sorts of dopamine. You put work into something and you finished it. And this is the kind of hobbies that we need to help our kids. Even learning a new piece on the piano is a huge accomplishment. Things like cooking, of course, you know, that is an accomplishment. You get your gratification, you know, pretty quickly. It's not that delayed. When you're cooking, it might be an hour in the oven, right? And then the. The dish is done and you get to enjoy it. I would put my kids on gift duty. And what. I mean, food, gifts, food gifts, making candy, making caramels. We. We have this caramel recipe that we make every year. Making cookies, making bread, cupcakes, whatever it is, wrap them up, pass them out to your neighbors. They're so fun to get. And some things are super easy. Some things are a little more complicated. We've started our sourdough starter again this year, so we have constant bread coming out of our oven. And that is really, really fun. Another thing that you can do with older teens is get them a ping pong table for Christmas. Get it early if you want, or if you have one, pull it out, put it in the garage so you're not freezing outside. But ping pong is a wonderful activity. Make it fun, make it a competition. Get some family competition time in. Of course, cleaning and redecorating, you know, cleaning their room, you know, reorganizing their room. That is something they can do over the Christmas holidays. They could paint their room, they can decorate their bedroom door, put a wreath on their door, have them decorate it with fun things that they're making. You know, different ornaments that reflect their personality. My kids wanted a small Christmas tree in their bedroom this year. So that's sort of our Covid thing that we did. We're like, okay, get a little tree so they can decorate that. Um, you can even paint your bathroom mirror. You know, a fun Christmas theme if you want, because you know that'll just come off. Can get that off easily. And then the other thing quickly here I want to talk about is reading. Okay. There's a playlist on Spotify called Reading Chill Out, C H I L L Out. And it's music that you can put on in the background while everybody reads. And it's music that is kind of nondescript, so you're not going to start singing to it, but it's going to be very soothing. I would make, I would get them a novel. I would just have some reading time every day. So there are so many things to do. If you ever wonder what to do and you're stuck, try to figure out how your kids can help you doing whatever it is you're doing at the moment. If you're going shopping for, you know, a certain Christmas gift, bring your kids with you. If you're blowing the leaves, let them do it. If you're cleaning, let them help. If you're cooking, let them help. Bring them into your world and allow them to get busy working with you by their side. And it will just be so much fun. And make it fun, Just make it, make it really fun. And that's how you entertain an older teen you bring them alongside into your world and then sit down, you know, with them and help them with these other things we talked about, the music, the art, sewing, cooking, all that.
- [35:23]
B
I love all those ideas. They're great. And what we've really found because we've got two teenagers and a preteen in our home, is it truly when the screens aren't there and they're not available, they find things to do. Even the older one, they find things to do. So just be, have hope in that and know that as long as you've got a lot of things just available for them or some ideas that they'll, they'll do it. And they realize it's, that's really rewarding in itself for them to find something
- [35:45]
A
to do for them to entertain. And that's your goal, you know, your goal is to get them on autopilot to do this themselves. And my kids, I don't remember the last time they ever said they were bored. They have so many things that they love to do and they love having extra time to do it and, and you know, letting them outside, oh my goodness, they'll find all kinds of stuff to do out there. And this is with or without friends?
- [36:05]
B
Yeah. Which kind of the next question. Okay, which is we have, we have an only child daughter, 15 years old. How do we survive the holiday break without screens?
- [36:17]
A
Wow, what a great question. So a lot of people feel like when they have an only child that the screen must become their friend and they're kind of substituting the screen, you know, for their kids friends, which is a really bad idea. It's just a terrible idea. It's, it's just such a low bar idea because we think our kids are, you know, really making friends on their screens, on their social media and they're gaming and they're not, that's not real relationship building. That's, that's not really what that is. But it feels like it is because our teenagers are begging for this stuff. And so I get the only child thing a little bit. My oldest was actually an only child for six years till his sister came along. So I know we had to figure out a lot of things for him to entertain himself. And all those things that I just mentioned, the music and art and sewing and cooking and reading and decorating and cleaning and being creative, all those things that you can certainly do by yourself. You don't have to have a sibling. And while siblings are wonderful, wonderful blessings in our kids lives for sure. I do think there's something very special about A relationship with an only child, they tend to have some really good advantages that I think it's important for us to kind of point out. And one of the biggest advantages they have is they have more time with you with an adult. And I always tell parents that when you're trying to build an adult, the best thing is to have your kids hang out with adults. Right. If you wanted your kid to be a baseball player, he would have to go play baseball. So if you want them to be mature adults, they need to hang out with mature adults. Not all the time, but, you know, think about the family friends that you have as only that your only child can get to know. And one way you do this is you have dinners at your house, you have your friends over, you let your kids get to know your friends a little bit. Now, I'm not saying that it's all on equal level, but I'm thinking about one, one friend right now. Our art teacher that my boys love, his name is Mr. Joe and his wife is Linda. And if my one child, Evan, if he was an only child, he would, I think he might move in with them. He just loves them. He loves going over there doing his art and talking to them. He has a very rich relationship with them. So think about some other adults in your life that your child can have a healthy relationship with. And don't, don't overlook the unique benefits of this one on one time with you. I know a lot of times people say, well, you have a lot of kids, Melanie, so it's really easy for them to be entertained. And I want to agree with you. I definitely wouldn't trade it for anything, of course. And remember that when you do have siblings that there's a lot to manage there too with, you know, arguments and fighting and I don't know, it's not always easy. I know that sometime like with the twins, I feel like it's the best friend that came to live with us. And you know what I mean? Sometimes it's nice when the best friend goes home.
- [39:26]
B
Yeah.
- [39:27]
A
Just because you have an only child doesn't mean that you have to fill all their downtime with screenshots.
- [39:33]
B
Right. Well, and what I see too with that, because I have a 15 year old daughter, which is what this question is about. And really what's happening is when they're on their screen in place of a friendship or you know, oh, they're lonely, they're by themselves. So that's the only way to talk to their friends. That's not what they're doing on their screen the whole time. It's not like they're just sitting, having like on the phone, having a conversation, because that's one thing, you know, call up your friend, girlfriend and have a conversation. But what it's doing is it's isolating them. It's isolating them from you and your influence. It's isolating them from things going on in the home, like everything we just talked about on the last question. It isolates them from helping you cook in the kitchen or decorating, you know, whatever you're decorating, you know, so when they don't have that screen, they're more likely to be sitting at the table chatting with you while you're doing whatever, you know. And those are precious times.
- [40:18]
A
I mean, even now with, you know, the quarantine, you can still have a couple friends over and you just get more mindful about that and more purposeful about having their friends over.
- [40:26]
B
Absolutely. So you can survive. You really can. So let's see. Oh, okay, I see it now. What new holiday traditions spell up for your kids?
- [40:36]
A
Okay, hot. This holiday time, this Christmas time, let's end with this whole thought about the holidays and what they really mean and, and how we can start some new traditions or rekindle some old traditions this year. Especially when we're being more mindful about reducing the toxic screens in our kids lives. And just off the top of my head, I definitely would say that food has a lot of traditions around it. So baking, getting your kids in the kitchen, assigning certain dishes for your kids to make. In our home, Andrew always makes the sweet potatoes. You know, he makes the jello salad that he loves. We have Adam making certain things. We just kind of, we kind of divvy up the responsibilities for the Christmas meal. So that's a really good tradition. One other tradition that we like to do is just drive around, look at Christmas lights. That's a really fun thing to do. We have some areas of town that are just really fun and we look forward to that. One of our biggest traditions is our dinner and a movie night that I will post the last one we just did this weekend. And this has turned into such a fun family memory for us. And we have friends over, you know, but what we do this year, we did, our favorite movie is the National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. I know that some people really love it and some people don't, but we did a whole theme party around it. And our kids love dressing up and it's so silly and it's so funny and we just laugh and we just need to laugh more. And we just need to bring more humor. My goal for this next year is to be more mindful of having, you know, humor, to really using humor in the nooks and crannies of our life. We want to be sure that we laugh a little bit more. But also talking about movies, I think that traditions are really good around some of the classic Christmas movies. The Frosty, the Snowman, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, all the Charlie Brown Christmas movies. How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Jack Frost, Elf, A Christmas Story. What am I leaving out? It's a Wonderful Life, the Polar.
- [42:51]
B
Oh, my gosh. The Tim Allen. Santa Claus. Movies are a must every year in our house.
- [42:54]
A
Oh, yeah. So there's, there's something about the tradition of the Christmas movies that, you know. Yeah, it's on a screen and I get that. But this is a tradition that will kind of bring your family together. And if you can combine it with food, even if you're watching elf and you just make some candy cane desserts or something, that kind of goes with the movie, it's so fun to do that. And believe it or not, your kids, I mean, those kinds of activities and those kinds of traditions are like glue. They just glue your kids together to your family. And I don't know how to say there's. There's really nothing more important that you can do. I would love for us to this week and moving forward to, to get a little discussion going in our group about family traditions that you do during the holidays. I think that would be really fun to share, but let's go ahead and wrap up. Mandy, unless you have any other comments, do you have anything else you want to add to the discussion?
- [43:46]
B
No, I think, I think these are great questions and hopefully everybody got a lot out of the answers. And I just love these Q and A's because it really gives people an opportunity to ask the questions and get them answered.
- [43:58]
A
Yeah. And please send us some more questions and we'll continue to put them on the podcast. So let's wrap up. And let's just remember that we need to get rid of toxic screens for the holidays. I mean, if you can only do it for the holidays, do it for the holidays. Just get rid of them. Don't let video games and social media ruin your holidays. Don't let toxic screens steal your Christmas. There. There's going to be the rest of your kid's life to mess with all this stuff. Let's take a break from it. Remember to go on our website screenstrong.com and look at the non tech Gift Guide. Thanks Mandy so much for your tips and for your help and getting all these questions together. And since this is our last PODC before Christmas, we just want to wish everyone a wonderful Christmas with your family. And remember that we've got your back and we are here to help you. So until next time, stand up for your kids, stand out from the crowd and stay strong.