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ScreenStrong Families
ENCORE: Summer Strategies: Keeping Middle Schoolers ScreenStrong This Summer (#190)
00:57:26
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- [00:00]
Emily Harrison
Foreign.
- [00:10]
Melanie Hempe
Hi everyone, and welcome to the Screenstrong Families Podcast, bringing you the best solutions for parents who are serious about eliminating screen problems in their homes. This is Melanie Hempe, and I'm so glad you're joining us today. If you are one of our regular listeners, welcome back. And if you are a new friend, we are so glad you found us. Please thank the person who told you about this podcast. You are no longer alone on this journey of navigating screens in your home. You have found your people. If you are new, you will learn about our ambassador program. And so we have one of our ambassadors on today. And I'm so excited to share with Emily in just a minute. But before we do, I want to just tell you about our exciting news over here with our new substack. If you don't know what it is, Google it. Look it up. Substack. It is a platform that Screenstrong is using now to share lots of articles on a weekly basis. We'll be putting things up there for you. The name of it is Be Screen Strong. So please check it out, get on there and share it with your friends. It's like a blog. It's like in the old days we used to, you know, follow people's blogs. Well, we're going to be using Substack right now for Screenstrong to be able to share our article. So please go over there and like it and share it and subscribe to it. And be sure and check out John Haidt's After Babel Substack. If you're familiar with John Haidt, his new book, Anxious Generation. I was very involved with him on that book and was so excited to get to know him. And I mean, I say very involved. It was very involved on my end. John is so brilliant. He is writing many, many books. But I was able to speak with him and meet and just kind of have some really good conversation and suggestions and input and all the things since I've been in the field doing this for so, so long. And he was so gracious and we've really had a great time getting to know each other. So he is promoting us. He is promoting our course, which by the way, if you aren't familiar yet with the screen strong course we have. It's called Kids Brains and Screens. And John has really helped us with that promotion as well. But go over to his After Babel substack and read the article that he posted. I have a guest post up there and we are just so excited. We're getting tons and tons of activity because of that. So I think that the word is really getting out and the movement is really starting. I mean, we have started it over here at Screenstrong a long time ago, but it's really getting a lot of traction, this idea that kids don't need smartphones when they're teenagers and they don't need social media as well as video games. It's not just the phone. It's all the things that that come with it, and it's Screenstrong. We call these types of screen activities problematic or toxic screen activities. We are not against screens over here at Screen Strong. You know, we are fine with watching movies with your kids and, of course, having a computer to do work, but we are trying to help parents understand that toxic screen use, which includes video games, social media, smartphones, and pornography, those are the areas that we focus on the most. And today we have Emily Harrison on. Welcome, Emily. Go ahead and pop in here with us.
- [03:54]
Emily Harrison
Hey, yeah, thanks, Melanie. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so glad to be back on the podcast again.
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Melanie Hempe
Yeah, this is your second time. Last time I saw you, you were in town and we had a wonderful visit and your boys were over playing with my kids in the backyard, I think.
- [04:07]
Emily Harrison
Yes, it was fun. It was a great day.
- [04:09]
Melanie Hempe
Yeah, that was a good day. But today we are going to cover a really big topic. I am so glad that you are taking a few minutes here to jump on with me and discuss this. This is a huge, huge topic. A big challenge. I guess I don't want to call it a problem. It's just a challenge. When you kind of take on this screen, strong lifestyle, you know, you have to do life a little bit different. And so Screenstrong is all about helping parents with practical solutions in summertime is where we need some help. Right. And the way that Emily and I started talking about this yesterday. We were talking. She called. We were. Or I called her. I can't remember. We were talking about, I think, the John Hyde article. And we. We got on the discussion right away. She said, melanie, I have some questions with my middle schoolers. What do I do with them this summer? And I realized we were starting to really dive into a really good conversation. I said, you know what? Call me back tomorrow and let's record a podcast. So here we are. That was quick turnaround, but I'm so excited because you were asking so many good questions about what you could do to help your middle school son with activities this summer. So let's dive into some of your Questions. But before we do that, give us a brief background just so everyone listening can get to know who you are a little bit.
- [05:35]
Emily Harrison
Yeah, sure. So I live in Virginia, so not too far away, which is why we were able to kind of get together in person last year. But I am a wife, I'm a mom to two boys. My boys are 13, so I've got, he's rising seventh grade and then my younger son is almost 10 and I found screenstrong. I found you guys in 2018. I believe I was trying to remember exactly what year it was last night. So my kids were still pretty young. So we have been blessed to avoid a lot of screen battles in our house. So for us being screen strong, looks like we don't have video games, our kids don't have tablets, they don't have personal devices of any sort of phones. We actually have a landline which we all love. It's great. It kind of gives our kids a little bit of freedom to kind of call their friends and get together with some neighborhood friends who also have a landline. My middle schooler, he's allowed to use my computer with, you know, my supervision if he's got homework or something like that. So we've already kind of decided a lot of things that we're going to be really firm on, which is great. You know, we'll get them a talk text phone at some point in the future. But this summer what I've kind of noticed as we're kind of gearing up and as I'm talking to a lot of my other mom friends is figuring out what to do with a 13 year old boy all summer. He's kind of. I was talking to a mom friend this morning actually and she was like, they're too old for camps. Some of these just kind of, you know, fun day camps that, you know, churches or your rec leagues might put on, they've kind of aged out of. But a lot of his friends will probably be playing a lot of video games this summer and we just choose to not do that. And I know the television creep because we do allow kind of tv, you know, family shows and movies and sports and stuff. We do that in our house. But I know the TV creep can come if I am not prepared for it. So that was kind of my question is what am I going to, what
- [07:33]
Melanie Hempe
am I going to do?
- [07:35]
Emily Harrison
What, how am I going to fill all of the hours of my kids days this summer? It just is starting to look and feel a little different. When they were younger, we'd go to the park and I'd get together with the mom and, you know, she'd bring her kids, I'd bring mine, and we'd hang out and talk and they'd play. And, you know, even if I couldn't find a friend, there was always other kids at the park that they could just play with. But we don't want to just. We're not just going to, like, go down to the tennis courts at the local rec center and see if there's somebody there to play with. We're kind of at that middle school age where, you know, things are shifting and he wants to hang out with his buddies and so how do I. How do I do that? I think my first question to you yesterday was, how much time should he be spending with his friends anyway? I also want time together as a family.
- [08:21]
Melanie Hempe
Sure. Oh, my goodness. These are all such good questions. So, first of all, your. Your son is in that, in between. You know, they call it tween agers for a reason. Tweens. You know, it's just kind of like in between being a little kid and then being a full fledged teenager, you know, who's driving their car or whatever. So they. It's kind of like one foot in, one foot out. They. They don't want to hang onto your apron strings, but they're not quite able yet to figure out what to do. And this is why they need our direction. And I just remember a mom telling me when our kids were graduating from high school, we'd been all together since kindergarten. And she said, you know, Melanie, if I had to do one thing different, I would have scheduled the time around those middle school years a lot better. She said she used the word structure, and I love that because I figured that out after my first couple older kids, and then we had the little ones, and I kind of figured out. But, you know, for most families, you don't get like a do over. You know, you have one or two kids and it's like, oh, okay, I don't know what I'm doing. So for me, I had. I did have some experience. And I agree with that mom wholeheartedly. Which is why with our younger boys, all through middle school, things were pretty structured, but it wasn't a regimented thing. It was just, we had structure. So that's the first thing I'll tell you. Because if you don't have structure, then the screen will take over. Okay. It just will. Like, that's just what happens. So you're hitting the tide, and. And there's this undercurrent, right? And that undercurrent, that riptide, is going to just grab your kids and. And take them if you don't prepare for that. And so I'm so glad you're asking me these questions. So, first of all, we gotta establish that you're right. The. The reason why you're feeling this little bit of an angst over it is because you're entering kind of a different zone. He's. You're describing perfectly this middle school dilemma. First of all, before I forget. Cause I just don't wanna forget to say, this is at our house during the summer, during those years, we never allowed the TV on if the sun was out. If the sun is out, the TV is off. And when they would get mad or want to watch something, I'd be, oh, let's see. Is the sun out? Oh, yeah, the sun's out. So I guess we can't turn it on. We'll do that tonight. And usually what would happen is they would get so engrossed in something else that they would even forget about whatever they wanted to watch even later in the evening. So that's just kind of a good rule that we had.
- [11:07]
Emily Harrison
Okay.
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Melanie Hempe
Okay. So now your question. Yeah, it's very helpful because then you blame the sun.
- [11:12]
Emily Harrison
Right? We've. We've kind of. There are boys do swim teams, so we've kind of said if you have swim practice today, it's. It's no TV day. And it's. It's kind of the same answer. But that's three days a week. Not. The sun's.
- [11:23]
Melanie Hempe
Not yet. Well, in the summer, y' all gotta be outside. I mean, if you're boys, boys should not be allowed to just, you know, mold in the house. Right? They've gotta be outside. I mean, girls too, but girls sometime are doing more indoor hobbies. But Bo, boys need to get outside. Outside. Outside. So your. Your whole focus is to get them outside. And I love this first question that you had. How much time should my kids be spending with their friends? So you're right. When they're a little bit younger, they're fine hanging with you and the other mom and the. The whoever showed up to play with them. Right? But as they get a little bit older, when they're in middle school, their friends become very important to them. They start picking their own friends. They don't necessarily just want to play with the. The kids of your, you know, your friends. Right? So this is super important. When they are in school, they see their friends every day. And that's a good thing. It's a very good social. It's filling their. Their tank most of the time. So in the summer, oh, my gosh, what happens? Well, they don't have a natural point in time when they're seeing their friends. So they will want to see a friend every day. So I'm just going to tell you kind of the answer to the test before you take it. They, you know, there's nothing wrong with them. They don't, you know, hate you. They. They don't not love their fam. They just, they're just craving to be with friends and people their age, kids their age. So I would say that if you can, you can't always plan a friend activity every day, let me tell you. That's exhausting. But think about your week in terms of, okay, let's plan two or three things that we're going to be able to do with friends this week. Right? So during school, again, they have their sports. They get plenty of social time when they even hang out after school to do different extracurricular activities. So in the summer, they don't have that. So you have to kind of invent the extracurricular activities, if you will. And sometimes it's just, hey, let's just get together. Let's just get together, hang out in the backyard, play, do whatever. Just being together. Like, they, you don't always have to have a big thing planned, but if, if you don't plan something, then guess what they're going to want to do is go turn on the screen, and then you're just going to have these arguments. So when you. What we did was I had to figure this out when my boys hit middle school. I very clearly remember this feeling that you're having, like, oh, my gosh, they're getting more mature.
- [13:57]
Emily Harrison
They.
- [13:58]
Melanie Hempe
They want to, you know, they're. They're leaving the house. Like, they're going down the street, hanging out with kids in the neighborhood. They're doing all that stuff is super. It's great. But there was still this lull of time when I had to think of what was I going to do. And I wanted to be proactive. And so for about four years, through all that middle school season of our lives, we planned what I called. You know, I was so creative with the name backyard Art Camps.
- [14:28]
Emily Harrison
Okay, well, let me ask you one question. When you say we. Was that you and your husband? Was that you and your kids? I mean, who's, who's planning these? And am I letting my kid do it? Am I planning what. What's that look like?
- [14:39]
Melanie Hempe
Right. So it was a combined effort with me and the boys, and. And. But I directed it because if it was up to them, they never would have done art. Sure. I was reading all these books about child development, and I realized that boys especially don't get enough creative hobbies in their life, like, you know, music and art and all those things. And so I was going to be super purposeful and proactive about my kids doing art. Now I had one. Well, both of them. They have terrible handwriting. I mean, no offense. It's not like they were natural artists, right? But we had, a few years earlier, started putting them in this little studio not too far from where we live, actually. And they were doing clay, and I thought, oh, they really kind of like it. I mean, you never. I never would have thought of my kids as artists like my daughter. I did, right? Because she would get her markers, and then she would just make these beautiful drawings. I'm like, oh, she's so talented. Not so much with the boys. I mean, they were not interested at all in any kind of drawing or anything when they were, you know, this age. So I thought, you. You know, we're gonna make it fun, and we're gonna have an art camp, and we're gonna invite all boys. It's just gonna be boys. So you have boys. So this is kind of good. I mean, if you're girl. If you have girls, you can do it with girls, too. And girls will be all over this because they just love it. But I wanted them to stretch a little bit, and they were all like. At first, they were like, oh, that's dumb. I don't want to do art. That's whatever. And I'm like, oh, no, no, no. I smiled real big. I said, oh, no. It's gonna be fun. It's gonna be fun. We're gonna get all your friends. So they helped me come up with a list. And every year was a little bit different, but kind of the same core group of guys. And it was about 10. I have to think about that. Eight or 10. And I did it for a week every summer, and sometime we did a couple of them in the summer. But believe it or not, this became something that was just kind of a big deal in our circle of our village. So it got to the point where moms were, like, wanting to sign up months ahead of time for the hippie art camp. And I'm just kind of laughing at this because, Emily, if you knew, like, I. I know nothing about Art. I'm not an art teacher. And so. But what I did is I would come up with a theme, right? I mean, you know what I'm talking about. Just kind of like things like, I think one of them was a rainforest theme, one of them was a sports theme. One year we did superheroes. And I know one year it was a beach theme. And I mean, what would that be? I mean, your boys, like, they would like those kinds of things, right?
- [17:23]
Emily Harrison
Yes, you just. All the things.
- [17:26]
Melanie Hempe
The rainforest thing was really cool. Rain sticks out of these tubes and I mean, we did really fun stuff. And all I did was go online and find some ideas, like, you could do this in one night. I mean, you know, it would just take, oh, we're doing a rainforest theme. What are some good rainforest art projects to do? And you will have so many things that you won't even be able to pick. Right. And so I had another mom with me, but the way it was set up is they would bring a bag lunch, they would get here, the house, maybe like 9:30 or something. I didn't want it to have it at 8 o'.
- [18:00]
Emily Harrison
Clock. Sure, right. It is summer.
- [18:02]
Melanie Hempe
Yeah, it was summer. So it was 9:30 or 10. And they would show up and we would have. I would get the supplies. And honestly it was. It just, it just wasn't that expensive because it's. It just wasn't. But you could have a couple moms pitch in or have them bring some supplies or whatever if you wanted to, if it was starting to get expensive. But it, you know, it just really wasn't. And you'll have to remember that where my head was at that point in time and where it still is today, I did not mind spending money on things like this because I had already been through a very traumatic experience with my oldest. And I thought, you know what? There's no amount of money that I wouldn't spend to keep the younger boys from having a video game addiction. So I, My perspective was a little different. And you all heard me say this before on the podcast, that if it doesn't cost more than a counseling visit, you can buy it. You know, like if we were at Dick's or whatever, anyway, but we had. I would plan ahead. I would find five things or four things, or sometime it was even more than that. I remember one year they made these bracelets and they had to hammer these little metal things and put them all together with like their initials or they wrote something. And we had the paracord and we learned how to do all that, you know, braiding business. And, I mean, there was so much stuff that we did. There usually was some sort of paint project, you know, along with something a little more physical, like they painted bird houses, you know, one year. I mean, and what I think.
- [19:34]
Emily Harrison
Good idea.
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Melanie Hempe
Yeah. And we did. We did so many fun things. In fact, we had one one year. I remember getting, like, a thousand popsicle sticks off Amazon. And. And we just. They just made stuff, you know, it was crazy. Well, they glue and popsicle sticks, and then the next day they painted whatever it is they made. And the interesting thing is, just last year, one of their friends who used to come to our art camp all the time told me, and it was actually part of a essay that he wrote, that that art camp was one of the big reasons why he got interested in architecture. And he's in architecture school right now. And I was so excited. I'm, like, really cool. Kind of opened the door for him for that. So what I want to say is that every child is creative. All right? And this is the year for you, Emily, that you're going to explode with this. You're gonna. You're gonna expose him to so many things that he can be creative with that he never thought that he would ever even like. And I will be happy to. Before the summer hits, put up some pictures in our Screenstrong Connect plus group. We have the Connect group, which is, of course, the free forum for parents. But then our subscription group over on our site, we have special stuff in there, so I'm gonna put ideas and pictures of all the things we did. But, Emily, I'm sure that you are creative enough to be able to go on Google. And so this is where you sit down with him and you say, all right, let's plan our camp for this year. And we're gonna. We always did it four days. We didn't do Friday. Friday was in the summer. Fridays are the days that parents are taking their kids out of town and different things are happening. And by Friday, you are exhausted. And so we planned four days, and I usually had, like, eight or more projects for them to do. And one of the first things we did, the minute that they walked in in the morning when everybody's, you know, coming in, they're kind of tired and sleepy. They drop off their little lunch bags over in an area downstairs. Oh, and we did this outside, by the way. This was outside. And part of the time it was in our basement, but much of the time it was outside under the deck. So we didn't have 10 boys in our house with art projects. I'm just saying. That's great because I'm just saying I
- [21:52]
Emily Harrison
don't want to be too precious, but I also don't want 10 middle schoolers ruining my home in a week.
- [21:58]
Melanie Hempe
And it is summer and they. I remember putting the big long, you know, I got the eight foot table from Costco that you just pop open, you know, and I put it out in my yard, like on the lawn. And you try to find some shade because it's, you know, kind of hot, right? Oh yeah, they were outside. This is a backyard art camp. Not in my kitchen. Art camp. It's a backyard art camp. But what they did when they would first get in, when they would first get here, they would all make little name tag things that were. I would have it all cut out and they would draw a picture of whatever it was for the day that we were doing. So if we were doing, you know, superheroes, you know, Evan would write his name and he would draw a little superhero and he would just kind of make his little name tag. And that was just kind of what they, what they would do to. While everybody was coming in. You do have to have it orchestrated a bit because they'll go crazy and get wild. So you have to be kind of like a teacher, which I am not, but I have such an appreciation for teachers who have to kind of get the group together. So they would sit down and do kind of a. At their desk, in a way, at their table, you know, kind of activity. And again, you can put a card table out side. You can, you know, if it's really hot, it's hard. But that's why in the morning it's cooler. They would do all that. Oh, we did tie dye T shirts one year. We did all sorts of like with the beach theme. I, I went on and I figured out the right combination of the cement and the water. And then they did their handprints, you know, and that was really fun. And I had a bunch of shells. We'd been to the beach and they decorated it with shells. And I. And I mean there's so many things that to my friends houses now. I look around the house, I'm like, oh, that's what Ian made in art camp. That's so cool that you have it hanging up, you know. So they really are very proud of these things that they make. I have so many cute ideas. It's all kind of flooding my head right now. I won't tell you all of them what I'm Going to do.
- [23:59]
Emily Harrison
So I'm kind of thinking through and getting some ideas, too, but I'm thinking about different kids. My. My son might want to invite. And I know. And I'm friends with a lot of his friends, mothers, but I know that some of them. There's kind of this thing with mothers sometimes where, you know, I'll take your kid for a couple days and then you take mine for a few days kind of this. We feel like it's equal trading of downtime for ourselves. I don't. I don't know. So how do we.
- [24:30]
Melanie Hempe
Yeah.
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Emily Harrison
Put that expectation on other parents that, okay, well, I'm going to do an art camp for a week. And now all 10 of you need to also take my.
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Melanie Hempe
And then we'll do.
- [24:40]
Emily Harrison
I do if. If a parent wants to do that. But at our house, we've said no to video games and all the things. The camp they do might be Fortnite camp, which I don't want my son in my life.
- [24:53]
Melanie Hempe
Which you don't want him to do. So he doesn't.
- [24:54]
Emily Harrison
How do I handle that with my own friends?
- [24:56]
Melanie Hempe
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So I remember thinking very clearly back in the day when I was doing this, that wouldn't it be great if every other parent did the same thing and they could do exactly what you're talking about. That did not work out in our circle of friends. But. Because what you'll find is most of the time people say they want to do all these things, but then they fall off and it doesn't get planned and nothing happens but the summer.
- [25:17]
Emily Harrison
Sure.
- [25:17]
Melanie Hempe
Because it's summer outside of the art camp. The other thing that we did. But I'll answer your question here in just a second, but before I forget, the other thing that we did is I remember one whole week we did a sports week where they. I took them to the park with all their friends and I told the moms, just drop them off because I've got my book, I'm reading, and I'm going to sit on the picnic table. And this is what's happening. And they did. They're. They're. They just threw the football and played football. But every time they bring their lunch and they make it longer than just an hour. And that is one of the biggest differences with the age of your child right now. They do things for a longer period of times. It's not like you go for an hour and then you come home and you regroup. That's not what it is. They do it for longer. So I remember one Week. We did the football, we did a street hockey day, we had a sandlot day. We had a basketball day where I went over to the school and I made arrangements to get into the gym and. And I orchestrated that. And I wasn't trying to be the over controlling mom in my mom group, but I was determined that we were not going to, like you said, play video games all day over at somebody else's house. They knew that this was my desire, and they quite appreciated it because they knew that at their house, they'd probably all end up just playing Fortnite and that. And I'll never forget one kid when we were. We were doing this, and I had him over at the park and they were doing sand lot. And my boys spent a lot of time planning this too. Like, it wasn't just me. I had them make all the lists and make all the phone calls. They had to call the mothers. Andrew, in fifth and sixth grade was calling moms on the phone. Like, that's a huge life skill to call a mom and say, hey, can. Can Ian or Can Will come play, you know, tomorrow, and this is where we're going to be, and he needs to bring a lunch and remember all the things to tell her, you know. So it kind of became this routine that with the Hempies, we didn't do screens. And when we were doing a sandlot one time, one of the boys came running up to me and he said, Mrs. Hempy, this is so much more fun than staying home and playing video games all summer. And that was my fuel, that motivated me. I'm like, yes, you're right, it is. So they want to be outside. They want to be physical. If you have another screen strong mom in your circle, you can certainly share this idea and say, what about, let's get our calendars out and I'm gonna do this week here over here in May, and I'm gonna do an art camp here. And then two weeks later, why don't you do a water day, you know, for a few days at your house on this week? And it can be like, Monday, they can do water balloons. Tuesday, they can do slip and slide. Wednesday they can do the sprinklers. You know, you have to plant this. Is this why I'm saying it doesn't just happen. But if. But you have to say, this is a no screen camp. It is. And if the mom says, well, I don't know if I can. If they all go in the house and you have to say, they can't go in the house, and you have to just be kind of firm about it. And you don't have to be ugly, and you don't have to act like, you know, it's your way or the highway. But it kind of is your way or the highway because you don't want your kid going over to somebody's house thinking that you're sending them to a water day camp summer thing at somebody's house, and they play Fortnite all day. That that's not what you want. And what I would always say, and y' all have heard me say this before, I would tell moms, my boys are allergic to video games and pornography. I don't want them on a screen. We kind of laugh, right? We kind of make it humorous. But I said to them, no, you really don't understand. I mean, no video games. My oldest son had, you know, just a disaster. And over all the things that happened to him and he ended up dropping out of cloud, we dealt with this addiction in our home. I am not able to manage it. So if Andrew starts playing video games at your house all day, one day he's going to come home and. And I'm not gonna be able to manage any of it. I'm a terrible video game cop at my house. So please understand. And they would always understand and say, oh, you're right. They don't need to be, you know, in the house, you know, But a lot of times, what happens during these summer camp, you know, man made mom made summer camps is by around, you know, noon, mom gets exhausted, and she's tired of dealing with eight middle school boys screaming and running around the backyard, and she wants a break. So she's like, I give up. Just go in and play Fortnite. That cannot be an option. It just. I don't know, you don't want to make people mad at you, and you don't want to hurt their feelings. But you had to be firm and just say, we got a goal this summer. We're not doing video games this summer. So are you in or are you out? Does that make sense?
- [30:05]
Emily Harrison
Yeah. No, that does. I mean, that does. So, okay, what if it's rainy? What if it's. We just get some rainy days and. And being outside is hard, and we've planned something.
- [30:17]
Melanie Hempe
So if it's raining, usually it doesn't rain the whole entire day, but if it. Because we did a lot. Oh, I have some of the funniest pictures of them playing football in the rain, in the mud. They love that better than life itself, you know? Get, you know, or just let them
- [30:30]
Emily Harrison
play outside in the rain.
- [30:31]
Melanie Hempe
Yeah, we did. Because in the summer it's warm. And I remember being a kid and playing outside in the rain. That was one of my most favorite things. Of course, we were in Florida and it was warm. But the other option, if it looks like it's just going to rain the entire day, honestly, we didn't really have a problem with that. But if it does look like it's going to rain the entire day, you have a backup plan. And the backup plan is taking them to the Discovery place, taking them to the trampoline park, taking them somewhere, even to a movie, even a summer matinee. You know, you can do some stuff like that as your backup for a rainy day. And you want have that in the back of your head. Like you want to know where the movies are, you want to know where the trampoline park. And then you tell the parents the night before, oh, it's raining. Or when they drop them off. When they drop them off at your house, if the forecast calls for rain, then they leave an extra 20 bucks because you may have to take them somewhere. And then you might need help for carpooling with that. But we didn't have a lot of problems with that. Now you could. If it is raining and you don't have a backup fun extra rain date plan thing to do, you could set up card tables in your den and get them playing Legos, get them playing board games. There are indoor things that you can do with kids. It's just in the summer, we want as much of it to be outside as possible. And when we did our art camps, we would have, we would be in and out of the basement some doing some of the stuff, right. And then. But we'd eat lunch outside. We would always have the slip and slide out and we have a trampoline. They had wiffle ball. Oh my gosh, Wiffle ball.
- [32:15]
Emily Harrison
Just.
- [32:15]
Melanie Hempe
I owe so much to wiffle ball because, you know, they can't break a window with wiffle ball. So they played wiffle ball a lot in the backyard. And if it was just sprinkling, if it was just overcast, we were fine. And they got wet and it was great. But if it was a downpour for a long time, I would suggest having something else to do in your back pocket.
- [32:42]
Emily Harrison
Okay, so going through this, kind of just thinking about my summer and my friends and I have already started talking about what are we going to do? I'm going to pick a week on my calendar that works Kind of pick a theme, have this art camp or maybe we'll do a sports camp. Get my son to kind of come up with a list of kids he wants to invite. He's going to call them.
- [33:01]
Melanie Hempe
Yes.
- [33:02]
Emily Harrison
And he's going to invite them, call their mom's cell phone, whatever, and then they're all going to show up. But they're going to bring their lunch, they're going to hang out, you know,
- [33:10]
Melanie Hempe
they're going to bring a towel because you're going to have water balloons sometimes.
- [33:13]
Emily Harrison
Good idea. Thank you.
- [33:15]
Melanie Hempe
So they got to bring a towel. And you know what if you have a pool, a neighborhood pool. Absolutely. Make that be the second part of the day. When we did our camp, we did it from like 9ish to 10. Between 9 and 10, whatever works for you. And we did it till at least 2:30 or 3. And that was a long day. But for moms that were working, they so appreciated because they could drop them off and we wore them out. And then we have a basketball hoop in our driveway, Emily. So I mean there was always basketball, but we wore them out. We had street hockey, we had different things and, and it was a lot of work. Some of the best memories though of our middle school years were through these activities. And like my friend said earlier that I said, you know, they were structured but unstructured, if that makes sense.
- [34:07]
Emily Harrison
Okay. So if I do that twice, maybe three times during the summer, kind of just these week long things, then filling in during the rest of the summer with time with friends seems a little, a little easier because now they're seeing each other in person and hopefully maybe able to make some plans for other weeks. Yeah.
- [34:25]
Melanie Hempe
So what your goal is activity with
- [34:27]
Emily Harrison
just one other friend or two other friends.
- [34:29]
Melanie Hempe
That's right.
- [34:30]
Emily Harrison
I've got 10 boys at my house.
- [34:32]
Melanie Hempe
No, no, no, no, no, no. And it, and but what will happen is out of that group, he'll start gelling with somebody, you know, and say, hey, I want to have, you know, Will over to play basketball on Wednesday. And then you kind of just do that. One friend and they're old enough now where they can do longer play dates, if you will, you know, you kind of quit calling them play dates, but get togethers, you know, and then they would figure out what to do. In our house we have this baseball net in the backyard. So I mean they would sit for hours and play, you know, hit baseballs or throw, but I would always keep them outside. And this is a number one, you know, tip that I will give you. Keep Them outside. Outside. The minute they start morphing inside. I mean, of course, if there's a thunderstorm, they can come in, but the minute that it becomes all about boys being inside all summer. This is a really bad idea. Bad idea. You don't you. His job, your son's job, is to organize with you to, you know, you're going to help him learn how to do this, and by the end of the summer, he's going to be really good at it. And his job is to think of things that he can do with his friends and not depend on you for every idea. Mom, I'm bored. Mom, what can I do? You know what happened in my house when that started? Because I had already had, you know, my older two. I've already. It wasn't my first radio. I'm like, okay, guys, the minute you tell me you're bored, you have to go clean a bathroom. And they would be like, oh, no, I have.
- [36:09]
Emily Harrison
I have stolen that from you. And used it a time or two, and it. It does work very effectively.
- [36:15]
Melanie Hempe
Yeah. So in the summer. Oh, I don't know what to do. Oh, well, here's the. Here's the toilet brush right here. Honey, I got lots of things for you to do. And so they're. Oh, no, no, no. I. I got it. I got it, Mom. I got it. I just. And they always have their bike. So if you don't have your bike, if your kid's bike is not ready to go, they need air in their tires, they need a bike lock or whatever they need. Get that short up. Your son could plan on his own. He could plan for three kids to come over, and they could have a bike club. They could go on a biking adventure. You know, it was hard. It was hard. It was hard for me. I'll tell you, the first time that we did this, I let them drive their bikes or ride their bikes downtown Matthews, which is not far from where I live, and they went to the BP station and all got, I don't know, ICs or something. And I mean, I about lost my mind because that was so hard, because they had to go over a pretty busy road. So. You know what's so interesting, Emily, is that we.
- [37:16]
Emily Harrison
My. My husband did that when he was a kid, and we actually live in the same neighborhood he lived in when he was a kid. So.
- [37:22]
Melanie Hempe
Oh, my gosh. What's so interesting is we're giving ourselves. Yeah, yeah, that was a big deal. I mean, going, you know, on your bike to go to the gas station, to get the. The candy or the smoothie or whatever. But you know what I think all the time is? Isn't it crazy that we are giving our kids smartphones and they don't even know how to cross a busy street? Like, that's crazy. Like, think about that. If your child doesn't have these rites of passage type of life skills in. In their middle school years, you are doing them such a disservice. The other thing that we would do, we don't. We. We live near actually like on a pond. And so they would fish. And so all these kids that didn't even know how to put a worm, they didn't even know how to dig for worms. You know, come to our house and our. That's what our boys did. They would teach them how to fish. We have a trampoline. So there's the trampoline thing. Street hockey is awesome, and that's a cheap thing to do. The sandlot baseball, we did. Frisbee golf, that's another thing. A lot of parks have the courses for that. Even just hiking is fine. Like I just mentioned the bike riding club. When they're younger, they can decorate their bikes. That's really fun. Football over at a local part. You know, it doesn't take much for boys to just start inventing games, which is exactly what you want them to do. The other thing that we did that was super fun was when, through these later kind of middle school years when they were in 8th and 9th grade and then getting even all the way through high school, they would have summer movies in the backyard. And what that was was very inexpensive little projector that we got off Amazon and a bed sheet that we would hang, like, near where the deck was. And everybody brought a lawn chair and they would watch movies in the backyard. How fun is this? Of course, there's always a food to go with it. And that was my job to always kind of come up with the popcorn and the food and whatever. You've got your discovery places. Every city has some type of thing like that. Parks, board game competitions, Lego wars. Making ice cream is fun. Or yeah, something. Something making a fun cold kind of dessert. And then through your summer, Emily, you have to remember you're gonna want some family time too, right? So you can have, like one day that. That you just don't have friends over. Right? But the rest of the time during the summer, it is super important for your kids to be around other kids. Your job, your job and your goal is to not helicopter, but to structure and guide him in the direction that you want. And then your other job is to some of the logistics, right? So you got to talk to moms. You got to work out carpooling, if there's any kind of carpooling scenario. A lot of times we have a van so we can fit eight people. I would go pick up the kids. I know it sounds crazy, but I was that determined that this was gonna work. And for art camp, of course, everybody dropped their kids off it. Our house. And then the other park that we did, our sandlot, that was a pretty. Like, everybody knew where that park was, so we would just say, hey, meet us over here at Mara, and everybody would meet us over there. But then I would bring everybody back to my house in the afternoon, and then moms could pick them up there.
- [40:44]
Emily Harrison
Okay, so I've got two more questions for you. One, you said something about hiking, and we actually live in the mountains, so that's something I suggest a lot. And my kids say, that's dumb. That's boring. I don't want to do that. So what if I say, let's have art camp, and they say, that's dumb. That's boring.
- [41:03]
Melanie Hempe
Some things they just don't get a vote, right? They're not 18. They don't get a vote yet. And you say, well, this is what we're doing. And I remember with the art camp, there were some pretty big eye rolls right in the very beginning. But what I discovered is, after the first day of the first art camp, my kids were sold. Like, they. They don't understand.
- [41:26]
Emily Harrison
Like, all their friends came back the next day, so they kind of knew this.
- [41:29]
Melanie Hempe
And there was one that was the Debbie Downer in their group. And they would come and. And I would have to make him go sit on the stairs because I'm like, oh, no, we're not going to be Debbie Downer today. And he would be like, oh, this is so dumb. And he would come in and try to get his whole, you know, sure. Going about, oh, isn't this dumb? And. But you have to kind of nip that in the bud pretty quickly. And I wasn't afraid to go make him sit on the steps. And he had to do that often. And we laugh about it now because he's older now, and we laugh about it, but you don't want one bad apple, right? But the. I mean, we did papier mache. Remember doing that as a kid? Like, that was so fun. And I mean, it was messy. It was great. There's nothing in the lines on anything that we did, right? We, we did messy things and so they kind of like that. They love getting messy and they like getting dirty and oh, we. One day, one art camp and I'm gonna try to get all my pictures and post all this to give you all ideas. But they all had to bring empty cans, like, you know, from soup or you know, whatever, just canned goods. And they had to bring an empty cam and they had to clean them. You know, bring them clean. You know, the top was off. And so we made pencil holders. And the way we did it is I went in our garage and I just got buckets of old stuff like nuts and washers and bolts and springs, all kind of junk in my garage. And I put it on the table and I said, okay guys, have at it. And wait till you see the pictures of what they did. They made these little robot looking pencil holders with these cans and we had a glue gun. And that was hard, right? Because I mean that's, that's hot. And you got to be careful. But anyway, they created so many cool boy projects. So after that first day or so they're like, oh no, this is like the most fun we've ever had. And so trust me, the eye rolling is fine. The eye rolling is just what you do when you're in middle school school. He's going to roll his eyes and think anything you say is dumb. So you're going to smile. You are not going to like get on his level and you're not going to be like, oh, what would you rather do, honey? You are not going to do that. You're going to smile. You're going to say, I know it seems dumb, but you're going to have so much fun. And you're going to just have your attitude, be really happy and peppy. Even though deep down you're thinking, what am I doing having 10 boys coming.
- [44:05]
Emily Harrison
Okay, so here's my final question for you. Your youngest boys are twins, which really helps because they probably had a lot of, I would guess a lot of the same friends. But I've got a 13 year old and then my younger son will be 10 and fantastic. They get along as well as brothers do, but they don't always want to be hanging out with each other or each other's friends. So what do I do with my younger son?
- [44:26]
Melanie Hempe
So there are a couple things that you can do, of course, with your younger son, it would be nice if you could switch around. Play dates again, non tech playdates, no video game play dates with another mom. But the other thing that you can do is your younger son can kind of help you be your assistant that day. Because trust me, there's going to be a lot of little things to do. Like can you go cut this, can you go get this? Can you go organize this? Can you go set this up for the lunch? Can you go do like you need? He could kind of be your little assistant there, but he's got to realize that these are not his friends, these are his brother's friends. And it just depends on your family dynamic. Does that make sense? You can give him kind of a little job to be your helper. When you're doing these kind of art camps and any kind of activity, there's always something to do. He could fill up the water balloons, he could. There's certain things that he could do that you can think of. Or you can have him have a one friend over. He could have one friend over while you're doing the art camp. And you could set them, you know, at a different table and they could participate in some of it or they could go play basketball or they could, they could kind of be there. It's okay. It's not okay. It's not the end of the world. It's not the end of the world to have him be there. And then your son, your older son just gets over it because this is what we do when we have siblings. I would not get into the thing of having your younger son bring a bunch of his friends to the art camp. You'll pull your hair out. That won't work. There's two that. You got to kind of keep one group at a time with that. Does that make sense?
- [46:00]
Emily Harrison
Yes. So would you even recommend switching weeks? Should I do this with my 10 year old or you think this is just better for middle schoolers?
- [46:06]
Melanie Hempe
I think it's better for middle schoolers. I think for, I mean, you could, you could play it by ear and kind of see, 10 year old is probably okay. I mean, does he much younger than that. Then you're going to be babysitting and it's not really going to be. But you know, maybe it's a smaller, maybe it's a shortened, you know, version, a more condensed version of it. Maybe they just come from 10 to 12 and you do one art project. Yes, I could see that happening. But for the middle school art camp, the backyard art camps that I'm talking about that we did with, they usually lasted till after 2 o'. Clock. So that's kind of a long time. But it depends on your kids. I'll have to think about that. I'll go back in. I've got some really cool photo albums that I did during this time. So I would have all the pictures and I could remember exactly what year we started. But remember, when the sun is out, there's no tv, so there has to be other things that even your younger child can do. He can go play with Legos while they're having art cam. You know, he can, he can do some of that or he can help you.
- [47:15]
Emily Harrison
This is super helpful. I'm like, my wheels are turning. I'm gonna like pull out the whiteboard this weekend with my 13 year old and start kind of doing a little bit of brainstorming. And remember that on the calendar. So it just happens.
- [47:29]
Melanie Hempe
Start it with that and then start, start it in May or June and then maybe you do another one. If it went well, then you can do another one. But maybe it's too much, you know, but just start with one thing. And remember, the planning is as important as the activity itself. It really is. The planning is where your son is going to learn tons of executive functioning skills. How to think ahead, plan ahead. Okay, what, what crafts do you want to do? You know, what does it entail? What do we need to get? If you need to get some supplies, then write them down. You've got to think ahead. Like on the one I did, a lot of the stuff we did was just stuff that we reused around the house. We did the paper mache, we did a balloon, and we did the newspaper. The old timey paper mache, you know, that was just stuff we had. I mean, we, by the way, take the newspaper. Because when my kids were in middle school, I realized that I wanted them to learn how to read a newspaper. And so in order to do that, we had to subscribe to a newspaper. And so to this day, they love reading the newspaper. They love doing the crossword puzzle. Anyway, I can go on and on about some other, those kinds of things, but. But we used what we had around the house. Some of the things, you know, I would take them over to the hobby place and we had to buy a couple things. We did these really cool things one year where you took coffee filters, you know, those big white coffee filters, and you kind of flatten them out and you paint on them and it looks so cool. And a lot of stuff I had around my house. But you've got to get your son to, you know, kind of help you organize it, right? He's going to make the list probably of the Friends. And then the other thing, Emily, that you'd be careful is you don't want to leave people out because people get their feelings hurt if they don't get invited. So those are. See, these are all the life skills that you're going to be teaching your, your son how to plan an event. I mean, there are so many personality things that you have to work around. He's going to learn how to make phone calls. He's going to have his little spreadsheet. He's going to check off who he called and who can come and who can't come. And we usually planned to invite a few more kids because usually some people couldn't come at the last minute. But by the second and third and fourth year we did this, we had people quote, like, signing up months ahead of time. Melanie, when is your art camp? And we had very little dropout, if. If you know what I mean.
- [50:06]
Emily Harrison
Yeah, that sounds great. I'm excited. I feel like summer is not just going to be a big bunch of what are we gonna do? I'm so bored. I feel like I've got a lot of great, great ideas and I really appreciate it.
- [50:18]
Melanie Hempe
And even on your one off days, when he's just having one friend over for something, after you do the art camp, his brain is going to be turning. What can we do? You know, he'll think of, like, something to do, like an activity. Like, naturally it'll just start coming to him. Maybe not this first year, but, but when my, when my boys have their friends over now, they don't do art. Okay, don't get me wrong, but back in middle school, it got them realizing, hey, if we don't have something planned, then everybody just sits around and says they're bored. So it just kind of got their social skills kind of jump started, if you will. And what you're doing this summer in art camp is going to help your son his entire high school career, because he's now going to know, first of all, that hanging out with friends is so much more fun than hanging on social media. Okay? He's going to taste it right now. You're at the perfect place in time to introduce us to him. So in, in his high school years, like with, with my boys, they ended up, they did that backyard movie stuff all the time. And we had a, we, we got a real inexpensive fire pit. And then a number of years ago, they built their own fire pit, which was so easy. We just went and got bricks from, you know, Lowe's. I mean, it was the easiest Thing. And a lot of times their social things now that they do are outside around the fire pit. So we got them kind of jump started. And hey, when you have friends over, you're outside. This is the most fun you're going to have is when you can be outside and that kind of whets their appetite. Does that make sense? You're going to train him now for really being the cool kid and having the cool house when he's in. When he's in high school.
- [52:06]
Emily Harrison
Awesome. Well, that sounds really great. Thank you so much.
- [52:09]
Melanie Hempe
Yes. Oh, I hope. Oh, my gosh. I had so many ideas, but we did touch on some of them today, so. So let's. Let's get an update mid summer from you. We're going to get you back on here and we're going to talk about what's happening at your house.
- [52:24]
Emily Harrison
Sure, that'd be great.
- [52:26]
Melanie Hempe
Okay, so. And I end every podcast. Emily, I would like for you to. I'm going to put you on the spot. And just with everything we talked about today, if there is a mom and dad listening and they have middle school boys that have fallen in love with Fortnite and now they're listening to you and they're listening to me, and they're like, oh, my goodness, what can we do? Can we really have a video game free summer? Is that possible? How can you encourage them?
- [53:00]
Emily Harrison
Well, I would say yes, definitely you can. I know, because we've been doing it for 13 years over in our house. And it is great. It is just cut back on so many conflicts that I, that I see my friends having. I know that it. It can be done, but you do have to put in some work. And I heard a statistic the other day that was something along the lines of. And this is. I'm not getting it exactly right, but that the majority of the time you spend with your kids will have happened by the time they turn 12.
- [53:30]
Melanie Hempe
Oh.
- [53:30]
Emily Harrison
So I've got, you know, six. Six more summers left with my son, and I want to take advantage of that. And I don't just want to let it pass me by and have them sitting behind a screen with not a whole lot of memories. I want them to look back on childhood and go, that was really fun. Or that wasn't really fun, but we persevered and did it anyway. I want them to remember their summers and to remember those. The special moments that grow up.
- [53:57]
Melanie Hempe
So I love that.
- [53:59]
Emily Harrison
Yeah, that's my encouragement. It's just do the work now so that they can look back and have Those fond memories.
- [54:04]
Melanie Hempe
Yeah. And you know what? They don't have fond memories playing their video game. I promise you. I promise you. I'm so glad that you mentioned the thing about memories because your son is going to remember this summer. He's going to remember this summer that his mom planned art camp for him and he is going to have those memories all the way through. Like I said at the beginning, one of their friends right now says, Mrs. Empty. Your art camp was why I'm, I'm, you know, an architect. You know, I'm like, oh my gosh, that's so fun. Or why he's in school studying that. So they have these memories. And you do want your boys to remember their summers and that they are fun and that you did spend time with them. And when you're doing these activities with them, Emily, you are there. You're spending time with them. They're getting to watch you, they're getting to learn from you instead of just learning from their peers all the time about relationships and how to build friendships. Thank you so much for sharing the other thing. Emily, I don't know if you have thought about doing this or not, but one thing we did when our boys were in third grade is we started a book club with the parents and we did different books back then. But today I would recommend that you grab our kids brains and screens book. And Emily, this could be something that you could do with your mom friends and while you're on your off weeks of not having to be on for art camp or maybe you're at a sandlot or at the park, whatever, have your mom friends come and y' all discuss that book and do one chapter at a time. And that really that book club idea was fabulous. That helped me create my village. Because the moms that you're going to be working with this summer, so to speak, they need to know the reasons why you take the stand that you take. Right. And they need to understand all the stuff about screens and using the kids brains and screens book is a great way to do that. Emily, thank you so much for sharing today. We really appreciate you coming on.
- [56:05]
Emily Harrison
Thanks so much for having me, Melanie.
- [56:07]
Melanie Hempe
I hope this episode has helped encourage you. Get a handle on the summer. Don't wake up in August and wish that you had done things differently this summer. Start planning it now. And like I said, this par book club is a wonderful way to get your peers, your parent peers on board with you with Screenstrong. And don't forget to talk to your school right now about ordering the student course, the kids Brains and Screens student course because now is when they are ordering their curriculum for next year. If you would like more information on becoming an ambassador, please go to our website and we will get you all connected there and help you with the actual slide decks that we use. And you can go in your community. You can fill out that form on our website. And finally, please subscribe to this podcast and share with your friends. We need you to spread the news that video games and smartphones are not mandatory for kids, and especially not in the summer. Remember, we've got your back and we are here to help you have everything you need to remove screen conflicts from your home. So until next time, stand up for your kids, stand out from the crowd and stay strong. Sam.