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ScreenStrong Families
Why Kids Are Craving Disconnection: Helping Families Thrive Offline in a Screen-Filled World (#261)
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Welcome to the Screenstrong Families Podcast, bringing you the best solutions for parents who are serious about eliminating screen conflicts in their homes. This is Mandy Hammond, ambassador, liaison and speaker on the Screenstrong team, and I get to be your host for today's episode. So thank you for joining us. One of my favorite things is meeting other individuals, doing this important work of educating about screens and encouraging families to live life in the real world. So a couple of months ago, I was down in Texas, one of my favorite places to be. If you know me at all. You know I live in the Midwest now, but I did live in Texas for three years, so it has a special place in my heart. But I was there speaking at a large church in the Houston area and had the opportunity to have one of these individuals we're going to talk to today attend the workshop. And so she reached out and said, hey, I do this kind of work too. Can I come to your workshop? I said, yes. The more the merrier. We love everybody who's doing this type of work. It takes a village and a team. So anyway, she's also doing this awesome work in her community, but because it was so busy at the workshop and crazy, we didn't get a chance to actually talk outside of just a quick introduction. So we thought, let's just have our conversation on a podcast. Why not? I think you all will get something out of this today, and I hope you do so. Our guest today is Gail Cheatham. She is the founder and executive director of Thrive Offline, which is based in Conroe, Texas. She is a business professional entrepreneur, certified coach, and mother of two. Gail brings a multifaceted perspective to her leadership. Her two decades in the corporate world, combined with her experience as a mother and her own personal journey with mental health and connection, fuel her passion for helping families navigate the challenges of parenting in a digital age. She approaches her work with both empathy and expertise, offering practical solutions rooted in lived experience. I am so looking forward to this conversation today in talking about why helping families Thrive Offline matters more now than ever. And if you've been around Screenstrong at all, if you're just finding us, this is exactly what we line up with as well. So welcome Gayle to the podcast.
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A
Hi, Mandy. So glad to be here. Yeah, so tell.
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Let's just start off with just telling a little bit about yourself outside of, you know, your bio that I just read. But tell us a little bit about your story and your mission. Just start us out how you want to. I've got some questions I can ask you, but let's just kind of see where this goes.
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Sure. Yeah. So I'm originally from South Africa, moved here in my teens and as any good Texas girl, when I graduated college, I got into oil and gas. I had no idea of how the world was going to change. And I had no plans to be in mental health or helping families or anything like that. But I learned from my own personal journey. As emails and social media were coming out, people in the workplace were no longer walking down the hall to have those conversations. They weren't picking up the phone to connect with someone. I saw something, something shift in our relationships even there. And then at home, my husband and I, we both got smartphones and you know, unknowingly started turning to the screens instead of each other. And it affected our relationship and we really both became pretty lonely. And so at the time my kids were young and started asking for devices and the more I started researching and I mean, I just started surveying all the parents. I would create these Google forms like, what are you doing? What do you know? And you know. And the more I learned, I thought, oh my gosh, people are not talking about this. This is changing our lives, our parenting, our kids, our brains, you know, everything. And we need to have these discussions. And. And so eventually around Covid timeframe, which as we all know, brought screens into households that had been fighting it and all of that, I thought I have to go out and spread the word and make this my priority. So I left oil and gas and felt like a nonprofit is the best way because everyone deserves to hear this information. I'm so thankful for screenshots. Let me say that again, Screen Strong's presentations and mission and everything out there because we all need help in this area.
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B
Yes. Okay, so you started this. So when did you start Thrive Offline? Around Covid time or like you started it in your community?
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No, I started my community. I became a certified life coach and really started just meeting with families where they were. I have two teens myself, so I always approach it with empathy and non judgment because I never know when my world is going to blow up and we're all just doing the best we can. So I started with the coaching business and obviously coaching is a more luxury service and so after doing that for a while, I felt like the non profit, I really just wanted to be accessible. I wanted to remove all barriers. And so Thrive Offline is actually a newer nonprofit. I was a co founder of one prior to that and just felt like my mission of connection was so Unique. That I really wanted it to be about thriving offline and that focus on in person connection. Because, I mean, I may be naive, but I think that that could solve 80% of the world's problems if we all just feel loved and connected and like we belong.
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B
Yes, for sure. So what are some. Do you have any personal stories? I mean, not to throw your kids under the bus. That's not. What have your personal struggles been? I know when I get up and speak, I want our Audi. My audience to know, like, hey, I. I call myself a mom with a screen story. I'm like, I've made all the mistakes. I've done all the things. Like, what have you done in your family? Mistakes. Or. Or wins. But how do you guys do screens in your family? And have you so far?
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Yeah, so definitely a lot of mistakes.
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We don't know what we don't know.
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Right, Exactly. And my kids right now are 14 and 17. And so I'm very mindful that while thankfully we have not had any major instances in our family, you never know what can happen. You know, you're just often one click away from something happening. And so ongoing conversations, a lot of presence, a lot of things. They probably are tired of hearing me say, I would say that's my win. But also a lot of mistakes, you know, handing the phone over earlier than what I would have liked because I just didn't know better. And I love the saying, I don't remember who said it, but no one has ever said, I wish I gave my kid a phone sooner. And I definitely fall into that category. I thought I was doing all the things right. I waited until 15 based on the information that was available for my son to get Snapchat, and I thought we'd had all the protections and the conversations and, you know, it just changes the dynamic. And so that's something that I want parents to know as well, is it may not be anything major that happens, but it is this. And Screenstrong talks about this, you know, but it's that. That brain feed, that loop that they get into, and it shifts their focus from learning from their parent and engaging with your values to someone who may not be in your circle of values. And we've seen that happen a few times where they have made friends or some choices that, you know, I probably would have wanted better for them.
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Yeah, no, that's exactly right. And it's his lack of presence. And even you referred to earlier with you and your husband are just screens in our life in general. And I thought it Was interesting how you even brought up. And I was having to go back about 20 years, 25 years, when email and all that was starting to take over too. And that's fascinating to the. Even then you realize this lack of presence and this lack of connection was starting to happen then. You know, before we had these personal things in our palms of our hands. Excuse me. So what are some things that thrive offline does for kids today when it comes to social skills? Resilience. I see some of these keywords I got off your website and I was like, this is what Screenstrong we talk about a lot too. Is that you. It's not about so much restricting the screens as it is replacing the screen time with these things. So what are some important things that you guys cover when it comes to that?
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A
Yeah, before I get into that, I want to make a quick mention. So just growing up, my parents loved me very much. They were the best parents they could possibly be. But, you know, they were young parents and there were a lot of other struggles, especially, you know, being in South Africa and things like that. And one of the things that I realized later in life is that they weren't maybe as available emotionally as. As maybe I needed as a child. And I bring that up because we had no screens that, well, we had TVs, but we had no smartphones. We had no social media. We had. And that lack of presence and availability really affected some of my upbringing. And I see that just exasperated in the phones. And so that's why the connection piece is so important to me. One of my early moments of realizing, what am I doing? Was me sitting on the couch with my then, you know, preschooler. And I'm thinking, I'm present, I'm here, we're watching your show. But I'm sitting on my phone and them saying to me, mom, get off your phone. And I made that connection between I'm physically here, but mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I'm unavailable to them. And that's where that connection comes in. And that's why it's so important that it's thrive offline. It's not just about putting on the parental controls, blocking the time limits, not handing over the phone. It's about us being there and engaging with our kids and teaching them how to engage with each other. So that's our very first core principle. And then the other thing that we're keenly aware of is we're not born knowing how to do all these things, how to have a conversation, how to navigate relationships, conflict resolution, showing Courage. I mean, I could just, you know, the. The list of resilience and executive function and everything. These, these used to be modeled for us. And I'm hoping that we get back to that more. But that's. The other piece is we need to really put emphasis on learning these skills so that our kids can function in a healthy way in the world. And then obviously, our third point is healthy digital habits, because we have to keep them safe online and teach them how to mindfully interact with technology as a tool. Right.
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And I think the conversation, at least in the six years I've been with Screen Strong and doing these workshops and things, the conversation is also shifting to adults, really. We're really stuck in this loop of the same thing we're trying to protect our kids from. Right. But we're stuck in it with our fully developed brains, which is why I'm always emphasizing, okay, so how much more do we need to protect our children from this? Right. And so you just hit the nail there as I was listening to you, because I thought that is so relatable. Just sitting on the couch, your child's watching and engaging with a TV show, and you're on your phone. I mean, I've done this as well, and I think a lot of parents could relate to that, of just not being present. And so what a good reminder today, just for us as adults, too, we have to have healthy digital habits and model that for these, because this generation now, that's all they've ever known. Like, I think about Niece, you know, and she luckily is being raised screen free, which is amazing to watch, but I'm like, that's all she's ever known. Like, that's a totally normal thing for her, just to see a camera up in her face all the time. Right, right. Taking her picture all the time. And she's gotten to the point where she says, no cheese, no cheese. You know, they start to go, get the thing out of my face. We have these memories without this stuff. But our kids, it's so important, like you said, to model these things and they're learn from us.
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You know, I mean, I. I feel like everyone needs to hear it. And so I will go out and I speak to parents and I speak to kids and, you know, leaders in the community, teachers and anyone, anyone that wants to hear. But I always ask the kids whose parents are on their phones too much or a lot. And 99% of the hands are raised. And so we have to do better as parents, not only to model what it looks like, but Also, we have limited time with them at home to impart our values and make those memories and things like that.
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Yeah, what about boredom tolerance? Like, what do you have to say about. What does that mean? If you know, our kids are always saying, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored. So how do we teach them boredom tolerance?
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A
Oh yes, I love boredom. I just want to say to them, good, I'm glad you're bored. Right? Yeah. It's one of the first struggles that they get to overcome to feel that discomfort and know that they have some autonomy in getting through that. You know, brainstorming, imagination, creativity. I often say that I think we're going to go into a creative dark ages because long are the days where we used to stand and wash dishes or go on that long road trip and say bored and stare out the window for four hours. We're always consuming things and so our brains don't have that quiet time to reflect and create. So I'm very nervous to see what the future holds for that aspect. I know AI is going crazy on invention, but the, the other art forms and that boredom and creativity is really, it's really missing in our daily lives. So I say let your kids be bored as much as possible and there's some solutions on, on what you can do to preplan for those moments where you could have a pre thought out list or a boredom wheel or a dice and depending on what number comes up, you could have an activity. But letting them figure that out, that's going to be so huge when they have much bigger problems to tackle.
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B
Yeah, I love that. Those are some good practical ideas. So another thing I had written out here, that is how do screens. Okay, screens are going to distract us from growth opportunities, but how do they crowd out the growth opportunities? It's not just a distraction. It literally overtakes. How do you see that happening in young people? Like even that you're coaching?
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Yeah, I mean, I think again, you know, going back to that quiet state space where their brains are overloaded. I remember when I moved to the country and my family, I'm embarrassed to say it, we spent four hours at the grocery store walking up and down each aisle like, and the, the cereal aisle in particular stood out where I don't know how many offers there are, but it was overwhelming. And I think about that as it relates to screens and the overwhelming amount of information and pressure and comparison and all the things that are really inhibiting us from figuring out who we really are and our purpose in life and Letting us guide our path in a. In a natural, organic way. Yeah.
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B
And so it's literally crowding out those and those thought processes of, oh, I could be this and I could do this and I want to dream. I mean, remember the days of just daydreaming? Like, I don't know that I do that anymore. Like, did we take the moment to just daydream about something because something else
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pick up our phone.
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Yep. Our brains have been trained. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. So what do you do with. Or what are just some of your best advice for parents when they say, you know, well, my child's going to be left out, or this is how I keep them quiet, or, you know, how do parents shift their mindset with this?
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Yeah. So I think it's all about. You were alluding to the opportunity cost and what is it costing my family by handing over a screen and just shifting our priorities. I think it's very important to have a family mission statement. What are your values? You know, what's important for your family? What. How do you want your kids to. To be as adults and think a little bit about the end in mind and then back into what am I doing in this moment that is going to support that mission statement and how I want my kids to turn out? And nine times out of 10, it's not giving social media and screens, it's having that presence, it's having those conversations, it's carving out that together time. And then obviously, there is a lot of pressure in not wanting our kids to be left out. And so it's managing a lot of our own mental health and anxiety.
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Yeah.
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I think that's the biggest challenge for parents. And I struggle every day because I hate saying no to my kids.
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Yeah.
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But I know with my fully developed brain and the knowledge I have, that's what. What I need to do for them. It's. It's telling them, you know, not to go to that party that they want to. It's teaching them about drugs and alcohol and sex, and it's just an extension of parenting that looks a little bit different today.
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Yep. And don't you think sometimes too, our own insecurities, our own hurts from the past come up and we don't want our kids to 100 again. So it's like you feel left out. I remember feeling left out. Well, here you go. Here's a phone. You know, and I do like what you say about the end in mind. And I've said this before, probably on this podcast, too, but you choose your Hard. Like it's either hard now or it's going to be hard later. And it's worth doing the hard thing now.
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Yes. For the reward that you just thinking about that this morning, choose your hard and that goes back to that boredom. And, and when they're little the consequences are so much smaller and as they get older and older, those consequences expand. And so I would much rather let them struggle with that boredom or maneuvering that feeling of feeling left out younger and building that self confidence rather than later when things can get a lot trickier quicker.
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Yep. No, that's great advice and especially if you're listening and you have younger ones. Okay, so before, I've got some other things to ask you just with your expertise as a life coach and all this, but I want to talk about Thrive Offline is launching this new youth board. Can you tell us about that and what you're doing with young people?
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Yes. So I'm so excited. We actually have a meeting later today to figure out, you know, I type a control, you know, that's, that's my jam. But, but I'm not a teen and I don't know what's going to work best for them. So we're actually having a brainstorming session where we get input from youth and other adults that have done something similar so that it can really work for them. So I mentioned I have a 14 and 17 year old and they tell me, mom, you don't even know like you, you didn't grow up with social media and screens. You're just a mom with an opinion. And, and you know, they're not wrong. It's a little bit more of, than an opinion. But yeah, it sparked this idea for me and, and it's not a new idea. I know that there's a lot of amazing youth boards out there and some youth and mental health leadership roles. But I really want to engage the next generation. They are going to be the parents, the leaders down the road and they are the ones that are really in tune with what's happening and keeping up to the latest trends and apps and struggles. And they're key, I think to start spreading this message of in person connection, life skills and mindful digital use.
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Okay, so what's your, what's your goal for this? Are you going to meet, you know, weekly monthly? Where do you, how do you help hope to grow this?
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Oh, I have lots of goals. You know, they're, they're full time students first and I'm keenly aware of the pressure that our young are under now more than ever before. So I definitely don't want this to be another place of pressure for them. I want it to be purposeful and for. And beneficial. And so that's part of tonight is, you know, I think we will prioritize in person meetings, but we're also going to have a virtual option and teach how that can be done in a successful way. Just like you and I are chatting today. Yeah. And then definitely on an ongoing basis. I think once a month is my goal. But today we're going to brainstorm and I really want to empower them to take the lead on the conversation and the structure because it's, it's so important to give them a place where they feel like they can be heard and take on a role.
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B
Yes. I love that. And they can be part of the solution too, I think, and we've been saying this for years too, that kids really do want to be rescued from this. Like they want to be heard. And they didn't ask for growing up with this technology.
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Right.
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They just, like we were saying earlier, they were just born around it. And so I love that you're doing that. My, I have a heart for the young people too. I love doing our student presentation for the kids because it just kind of. You see the light bulbs go on when they realize the science behind it and they realize, oh my gosh, we're kind of being tricked here. Like, this isn't cool. Like, no, nobody's going to tell me what. And it's so encouraging to see this generation and standing up for themselves and going, no, we're going to change things for the future. And I really do believe there's a movement out there of kids that are wanting to.
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I agree. And you know what? Going back to the parents, if we can just self soothe and stand strong, it is such a gift to allow our kids that space to have a life outside of a screen.
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Yes.
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It's really one of my favorite things. I went to a youth group and I stood outside and I offered them candy to take their phones.
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Oh my gosh. I love that.
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I was a little nervous. I wasn't sure how it was going to go, but the, the response was amazing. So many of them were relieved to hand it over.
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Yeah.
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Some of them didn't even want the candy when they came out. They talked about how it was so nice not to have the distraction, the notifications that they were actually able to be present in their youth group that night and, and asked us, will you come back every week?
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Oh, My gosh, that is such a cool experiment. If you're listening and you have ability to do that, do it. I love that. I'd like to hear more people doing that. What a great idea. And I'm sure they did. They just felt. Yeah.
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And I. And I promise you, if you pull them aside, the majority of youth will say they will gladly give up Snapchat and all social media as long as their friends do. They just don't want to be left out. But if we can create the space for them where they don't feel like they need to keep up with notifications and all of that. They really want that.
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Yes, yes. Well, speaking.
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Okay.
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Kind of along the same line, but I just, I do want to hit on this because we've heard, you know, this past school year, most states have banned phones in schools, and Texas was one of those states. How do you think that's going? I mean, we've been hearing different stories of, you know, oh, my gosh, our libraries, our books at the library, you know, have checked. They've been checked out, you know, gone up like 100%. And, you know, so how do we think that this is affecting students at school? Like, just in your next.
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Look, I am, I am so thankful that this movement is happening. It's long overdue. I feel like we're a step towards the right thing. What I personally would love to see is a full age limit on phones and social media. And I think you guys would agree, you know, similar to driving, gambling, drinking, all of those things. But as far as the schools, I, you know, I've seen some really positive things where the kids just naturally and quickly go back to being kids again. Lunchrooms are loud and it's. It's amazing how quickly they've adapted. And I think that one of the biggest things is having something that the teachers and parents can say, I'm sorry, I would give you a phone, but it's illegal, it's against the law, you know, because that's one of the struggles that I heard for years was the disparagement between different teachers on how they would enforce it. And it's really hard to be the bad guy and then also teach a lesson in classroom management, all of that. So those are all the positive things I've seen. It's not perfect. It's going to take some time. You know, I've seen some of the policies where they're allowed to bring in MacBooks because there's a shortage on devices. So that's just basically putting a giant Phone in front of it. Some of the accommodations, unfortunately, they. They're not looking individually, so. So anyone with any sort of accommodation, let's say adhd, for example, they are allowed to have their phone. So things like that, where I think we need a little bit more education, a little bit more mindfulness behind it, but overall, good positive step. And I think that a lot of kids and parents and teachers are benefiting because of it.
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B
Yeah, I think there's some relief. You know, they get to just be themselves again. So. Well, let's round this out today. This has been a great conversation. Thank you for all the just tips and thoughts that you had. What would you say to parents who, at this point in the game, feel overwhelmed, they feel late to the game, they feel outnumbered, maybe by their kids or by their peers that are giving all their kids phones? Like, what would you say to these parents who feel that way and they just kind of don't even know where to start?
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A
That's a hard question because we're. We're all at different levels of it. Right? There's some. You know, if you haven't given a phone or social media yet, definitely research it and talk to some other parents before you take that step. Because as I mentioned early on, it definitely changes your relationships and it's hard to unwind. Um, it's. It's definitely possible and it's never too late to make that reset, that readjustment. And I encourage all parents that at. No matter what stage you're at, you can always shift and choose something new.
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B
Agreed. That's great. Well, thank you so much for your work and your voice there in Texas. It sounds like you're doing amazing things. I'm very excited to hear how your youth and how, you know, the kind of feedback you get from the young people. I think it's so important. So thank you so much for everything that you're doing.
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A
Thank you. So good to chat with you, Mandy.
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B
Yeah, thanks. I hope we can collaborate some more in the future. So thank you, everybody, for listening today. I really, really hope that you just found it as encouraging as I did just to hear the work that Gail's doing with Thrive Offline. Gail, I'm sorry I didn't ask too. Where can people find you and follow your work?
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A
Thriveoffline.org okay. That's the best place to get started and. And maybe even join our youth board.
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B
I love that. Okay, great. If you would love to do that, that'll also be in the show notes. So thank you again for listening. If you are on social media. We are on there just for our content. But if you want to connect with us, you can join Screenstrong Connect through our website which is screenstrong.org it's free to join and it's where you can meet a lot of other like minded families and get the support support you need on this journey to stay strong for your kids. If you could please subscribe to this podcast and share this episode with somebody, we would greatly appreciate it and get the word out on the work that we're doing. If you want more information about becoming a Screenstrong ambassador and helping spread this education through workshops and public speaking or maybe even hosting a workshop in your community, you can fill out those interest forms on our website. So remember, we've got your back and we are here to help you remove the screen conflicts from your home. So until next time, stand up for your kids, stand out from the crowd and stay strong.