Secondhand Therapy | Episode #113

Title: Rage vs Doing the Right Thing
Date: January 12, 2026
Hosts: Louie Paoletti & Michael Malone

Episode Overview

In this honest and humorous episode, Louie and Michael dive into the challenge of responding to difficult, emotionally charged family situations—specifically, the tension between immediate rage and measured action when the "right thing" needs to be done. From recounting intense holiday family incidents to grappling with loneliness and personal growth, they offer a raw, real-time look at emotional labor, therapy insights, and the pitfalls of masculinity. Throughout, the hosts blend vulnerability with banter, providing listeners with relatable stories and hard-won wisdom about choosing action over anger and breaking cycles of self-doubt.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Holiday Rituals & Solstice Traditions

(07:10–12:01)

• Louie describes his participation in a solstice ritual with his partner:
  • Write 13 intentions for the coming year on separate papers.
  • Each night, you burn one paper at random, symbolically releasing responsibility to the universe.
  • On the final night, the remaining intention is yours to own.
• Michael humorously admits he misunderstood the ritual, thinking it was just a new to-do list:
  • “I got excited and overwhelmed and just thought, I'm gonna do everything.” — Michael (10:01)
• Louie ends up with “Gain clarity on my relationship with my mother” as his intention to carry forward.

2. The Family Incident: Rage vs. Doing The Right Thing

(12:05–26:42)

The Confrontation

• Louie recounts a distressing holiday event:
  • Returning to his mother's house, he and his partner overhear a heated argument; his mother’s partner yells at her.
  • Louie’s initial instinct is vigilance—"Does this happen a lot?"—and concern for his mom’s safety and emotional well-being.
  • He makes their presence known, then tries to address the situation calmly:
    • Attempts a private conversation with his mother’s partner, who ignores him.
    • Louie addresses it in front of both, stating,

      “It is not acceptable for you to raise your voice at my mother anywhere, ever. It’s also not acceptable as a man for you to raise your voice at a woman.” — Louie (18:07)

    • His mother minimizes the situation, asking why he is “stirring the pot.”
    • Louie responds,

      “You raised me to do this. I’m doing the right thing right now. How dare you?” — Louie (19:22)

Aftermath & Resolution

• The partner later apologizes to Louie, stating,

  “Hey, I apologize for raising my voice at your mom. I shouldn’t have done that.” — Michael's mother's partner (19:54)

• Louie’s mother also acknowledges he did the right thing.
• Louie shares he had anticipated that even while doing the right thing, his mother might try to shut it down for the sake of family peace.
  • “Even though I’m doing what my mom raised me to do, she would try to shut it down.” — Louie (20:32)

3. The Role of Anger

(26:48–41:00)

• Michael reflects on his own difficulties separating anger from action:

  “My anger would have taken over. … I want to prove that I’m angry. … If I’m feeling angry… you’re gonna know that I’m angry.” — Michael (33:12)

• Louie discusses emotional regulation:
  • He practices not letting anger “drive the car,” especially knowing escalation won’t serve anyone.
  • “There was a part of me that felt angry. I just… you just can’t let that drive the car.” — Louie (27:08)
• They delve into “old programming”—the urge to confront disrespect or aggression with intimidation or violence, and why it ultimately fails.

  “It’s that old programming, right, of accomplishing things with fear, and that’s not the answer. I know that.” — Michael (33:12)

• Michael recounts an old family story where rage nearly led to violence, reinforcing how therapy has illuminated but not erased those impulses.

4. Loneliness, Holidays, and the Struggle for Self-Compassion

(41:00–54:45)

• Michael describes enduring another lonely holiday season, torn between craving company and retreating into solitude.
  • He shares his internal battle:

    “The theme of the holidays for me was loneliness. There was a moment where I’d seen on TikTok… [a] pizza place… I got dressed and undressed four times.… I was like, what the hell are you doing?” — Michael (41:45–44:51)

  • He ultimately goes out, only to be disappointed that the festive event isn’t happening in his town.
• Michael discusses therapy insights about craving love but being exhausted by the idea of relationships, realizing he isn't ready for a new one yet.
  • “As much as I crave it and miss it and want it, I know that I’m not ready for it. … When I think about love and relationships, it’s so overwhelming, it’s exhausting to me.” — Michael (49:17)
• He commits to changing how he spends holidays:

  “I deserve to have my own traditions. I deserve to have my own identity. I deserve to be happy. I’m done spending Christmas like this.” — Michael (50:32)

5. Self-Celebration and the Challenge of Positive Self-Talk

(51:29–56:45)

• Michael vulnerably reads from his journal, having written to himself:

  “I’m proud of you…You set a goal and you actually stuck to it. … You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be proud. And that’s something new.” — Michael (52:49–53:51)

• He describes achieving a difficult personal goal (getting his motorcycle license) and the discomfort of recognizing his own accomplishments without external validation.
  • “I can’t believe I did it. … Because I didn’t ask anybody for help. … It was something I did.” — Michael (55:01–56:13)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Louie on Emotional Response (19:22):
  “I think you’re forgetting an important point. You raised me to do this. I’m doing the right thing right now. How dare you?”

• Michael on Internalized Rage (33:12):
  “If I’m feeling angry… you’re gonna know that I’m angry. Even now I’m talking about it and I’m like, what is it? … Nothing. But it’s just, it’s that old programming, right, of accomplishing things with fear, and that’s not the answer. I know that.”

• Louie on Letting Go (30:14):
  “My mom is happy. She’s very in love. … They had a fight. It’s not my job to police that or investigate it or anything like that. Mom’s a grown woman.”

• Michael’s Self-Compassion (52:49–54:26):
  “I’m proud of you. … You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be proud. … I did the work. … I can’t believe I did it… because I didn’t ask anybody for help. It was something I did.”

Segment Timestamps

• Holiday Rituals & Solstice Tradition — 07:10–12:01
• Louie’s Family Incident & Moral Dilemma — 12:05–21:03
• Confrontation & Its Aftermath — 21:03–26:42
• On Processing Anger & Masculinity — 26:48–41:00
• Michael’s Holiday Loneliness & Self-Reflections — 41:00–54:45
• Journaling & Practicing Pride — 51:29–56:45

Tone & Style

• Candid and vulnerable: Both hosts openly process difficult emotions, often in real time, never shying from their discomfort.
• Humorous banter: Even as they unpack heavy topics, Louie and Michael keep the conversation light where possible, with playful jabs (“Do you even know what a pop-up is?” at 45:34).
• Supportive and validating: They model a friendship built on non-judgmental affirmation, encouragement, and a willingness to challenge each other's old patterns.

This episode is a deeply honest look at the crossroads between instinctive rage and intentional, values-driven action, set against the emotional minefield of family, holidays, and self-worth. Listeners will walk away with relatable stories of standing up calmly (even when it feels impossible), sitting with discomfort, and the radical challenge of telling yourself, for once, “You did good.”