Stop Complaining, I'm Trying to Protect You | #131

Summary

Secondhand Therapy Podcast — Episode #131 Summary

Title: Stop Complaining, I'm Trying to Protect You
Date: May 25, 2026
Hosts: Louie Paoletti (A) & Michael Malone (B)
Producer: PonyBear Studios

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Episode Overview

In this engaging and candid episode, Louie and Michael dig into the ways everyday complaining shapes their personal connections, self-perception, and even their relationships. With their signature blend of vulnerability and humor, the hosts explore how “commisery” (communal misery) can serve as a mask for deeper needs, how storytelling entwines with their sense of self, and why vulnerability remains so damn tricky—even between the closest of friends. The heart of the episode is a raw discussion of Louie's recent realization that his “complaining” is often a tool—a quest for story, connection, or even just a way to avoid uncomfortable silence. The show also touches on boundaries, emotional growth, intention, quality time, and the complicated dance of trying to protect those you love (and how that can backfire).

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Complicated Nature of Complaining and “Commisery”

• Louie's Self-Examination: After feedback from Michael and his therapist, Louie recognizes how his casual complaining (even about things like the weather) might come across as negative or draining—when he views it as connecting or opening conversation.
  • Timestamp: 09:02

    "One of the things that you had brought up...was this idea of complaining. That fits in the commisery, which is what I've been working on..." —A (Louie)

• Habit or Tool?: Louie explains that for him, sharing minor inconveniences is a way to bond, and sometimes, to test the waters after a conflict. Michael points out that, from the outside, this often just sounds like complaining.
  • Timestamp: 10:50

    "It's not perceived. It's complaining." —B (Michael)

2. Storytelling, Conflict, and Identity

• Need for Conflict in Stories: Louie's therapist reflects that as a “story guy,” Louie instinctively seeks out—or heightens—conflict, because "stories need conflict."
  • Timestamp: 16:06

    "My therapist was like... ‘you're a story guy to your core. And you know what stories need? Conflict.’" —A (Louie)

• Does Everything Need to be a Story?: Michael challenges the assumption that every social interaction needs to be memorable or dramatic, emphasizing that most of life is mundane and that not everything is a story.
  • Timestamp: 19:11

    "Stories are rare, bro. Not everything’s a story." —B (Michael)

  • Timestamp: 19:30

    "Life is mundane, my guy." —B (Michael)

• Embellishment vs. Authenticity: Michael pushes Louie to notice his tendency to amplify conflict for connection and entertainment, which can border on fiction and make genuine connection difficult.
  • Timestamp: 20:07

    "Embellishing a thing to make it more interesting is storytelling is fiction. But you sit here and talk about how you crave connection? How are you connecting if you're telling a fairy tale all the time? There's no connection. There's no vulnerability there." —B (Michael)

3. Connection: Stories, Quality Time, and Intention

• Quality Time vs. Just Time: Michael and Louie debate the difference between just “spending time” and “quality time,” circling around the role intention plays in meaningful connection.
  • Timestamp: 24:09

    "Trying to tell me that there is a difference between spending time with someone and spending quality time with someone." —B (Michael)

• Louie's Struggles with Intention: Louie admits to struggling with being intentional in relationships and daily life, often operating out of chaos and the need to feel productive or “do everything.”
  • Timestamp: 29:31

    "I struggle so much with intention...I want to do everything at once." —A (Louie)

• Gratitude and Vulnerability: Louie vulnerably thanks Michael for providing patience and prioritization advice during a difficult spell, highlighting the importance of support and safe spaces among friends.
  • Timestamp: 33:01

    "I really had a lot of gratitude for you today." —A (Louie)

4. Needing Company, Avoiding Isolation, and The Shame of Vulnerability

• Louie’s Admission: Louie reveals he almost asked Michael if he could simply sit in his room for comfort during a low day, but felt too embarrassed and vulnerable to do so.
  • Timestamp: 36:40

    "All I wanted ... was going to ask if I could just...be somewhere in your room so I wasn't alone. And I didn't know how to do that." —A (Louie)

• Mutual Understanding of Vulnerability: The hosts acknowledge how direct, vulnerable communication is hard but valuable, and Michael reassures Louie that he would be welcome.
  • Timestamp: 37:43

    "That's a pretty vulnerable thing... Hey, you got the right guy. Hey, can I come in here and just shut the fuck up for a while? That's what we do in here." —B (Michael)

5. People-Pleasing, Priorities, and Protectiveness in Relationships

• People-Pleasing and Overwhelm: Michael gives Louie advice on sorting priorities—specifically, that when Louie drops the expectation of pleasing others, most of his “number one priorities” fall away.
  • Timestamp: 35:36

    "Take away the people pleasing. Take away the pressures of other people or like if you're going to upset them or whatever — does the priority change then? And yeah, most of the priorities go away." —B (Michael)

• Michael’s Couples Therapy: Michael recounts a therapy session where the core realization was his habit of trying to “protect” his partner, and the disconnect in how that’s received.
  • Timestamp: 44:18

    "There is a part of me...its job is to protect her... She had no idea." —B (Michael)

• Miscommunication and Intention: Michael discusses the difficulty of feeling misunderstood, even when he thinks his intentions (“I’m trying to protect you”) are obvious.
  • Timestamp: 55:32

    "I put so much intention into being clear, because feeling misheard or misunderstood is a very hard feeling for me." —B (Michael)

6. The Ongoing Challenge of Communication

• Autonomy vs. Protection: Michael (with therapist’s help) realizes that his attempts to protect can feel patronizing or signal “incapability” to his partner, who values autonomy.
  • Timestamp: 60:07

    "I have a part that wants to be protective, and she has a part that needs autonomy." —B (Michael)

• No Easy Fix—Just Mindfulness: Instead of a fix-all communication strategy, the conclusion is increased mutual awareness and checking in regarding motivations and feelings in the moment.
  • Timestamp: 60:39

    "It's annoyingly being mindful and aware in the moment." —B (Michael)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Conflict in Stories:
  • "You're a story guy to your core...you know what stories need? Conflict." —Louie quoting his therapist (16:06)
• On the Nature of Connection:
  • "How are you doing, bro? This fucking guy at Chipotle—don't give a shit...what are we avoiding by you telling me these stories all day long? How are you doing?" —B (Michael) (22:20)
• On Vulnerability:
  • "All I wanted...was to ask if I could just be somewhere in your room so I wasn't alone." —A (Louie) (36:40)
  • "That's a pretty vulnerable thing...That's what we do in here." —B (Michael) (37:43)
• On Protection vs. Autonomy:
  • "I have a part that wants to be protective, and she has a part that needs autonomy." —B (Michael) (60:07)
  • "I might sometimes...have to say, 'Hey, I'm just feeling protective right now, I'm trying to protect you.' And she might have to go, 'Okay...I'm being a bit defensive.'" —B (Michael) (60:39)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment & Topic | Timestamps | |-------------------------------------------|-----------------| | Bickering intro, merch, charity chat | 00:30–04:30 | | Feelings wheel & relationships | 02:36–03:07 | | Complaining vs. connection/commisery | 09:02–13:50 | | Storytelling, conflict, gossip | 16:06–21:19 | | Quality time vs. just time | 24:09–26:00 | | Struggle with personal intention | 29:31–33:10 | | Gratitude and people pleasing | 33:01–36:08 | | Revealing need for company, vulnerability | 36:40–38:00 | | Discussion on direct communication | 39:08–39:52 | | Protective instinct in couples therapy | 44:18–52:48 | | On being misunderstood/misheard | 55:32–56:10 | | Autonomy vs. protectiveness | 60:07–61:13 |

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Tone & Language

• The hosts maintain their trademark mix of dry wit, gentle teasing, and raw, honest vulnerability.
• They’re frank about their emotional struggles and use humor to take the edge off difficult revelations.
• Conversational and unscripted, moments of levity and “roasting” emerge alongside genuine, affirming exchanges.

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For New Listeners

This episode offers classic Secondhand Therapy: unfiltered conversations about the messy, human quest for connection. You’ll witness real-time struggles with communication, self-growth, and the tender, hilarious confusion that happens when two old friends try to get better—together.

Transcript

[A]

Secondhand Therapy is presented by Pony Bear Studios. For ad free episodes. Head on over to patreon.com secondhand therapypod welcome back to Secondhand Therapy.

[B]

Whatever.

[A]

We want to remind you that we are not therapists. We are not experts. This is not a substitute for therapy and this is not professional advice in any way.

[B]

That's all true.

[A]

Yeah. I'm also going to tell you, you're gonna hear some ads. You are. There's a way to avoid that.

[B]

You know what? You're not gonna hear me struggling to identify my feelings because daddy got a feelings wheel for the studio.

[A]

Yeah, that's it. I'm very excited.

[B]

Keep going.

[A]

Head on over to Patreon for ad free episodes, early access to episodes and completely different podcast altogether. The other shit show is on there where it is a non therapy podcast. Sometimes therapy, but we've been pretty good at non therapy lately.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You talked about a date you went on recently.

[A]

I did.

[B]

Talked about when you tested positive for an sti.

[A]

Nope. That never happened story. Nope.

[B]

Does it still burn when you pee?

[A]

It never burned. Never had it.

[B]

Oh, wow. Why were you crying? Emotional cries.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Why don't you like when I talk about your std?

[A]

You talked about your health care bill. What? I'm keeping it real. Unlike you. I'm not gonna make things.

[B]

I thought there was a bit.

[A]

You have a big medical bill that we talked about there. And then that time you beat up that unhoused person. And then what?

[B]

I didn't.

[A]

I'm keeping it real.

[B]

I did not beat her up. I threw a chicken at her.

[A]

She was sleeping.

[B]

And I call that donating.

[A]

Anyway, this has gone too far. This is.

[B]

This is. The bit is off the rails.

[A]

Well, who started it Young? Who started it?

[B]

I did, old man. Oh, also, that was good. Yeah. Also, if you go to Patreon, I'm starting a new thing where I'm reading a DM that we get that we're never going to respond to.

[A]

Oh, today was great.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, you missed it.

[B]

It'll be there.

[A]

You can. You still have a chance. You can go on over to Patreon and listen to ad free episodes and get early access to episodes and all kinds of stuff over there.

[B]

Patreon.com Secondhand Therapy Podcast. We have merch available secondhand therapypod.com and there's also a feelings wheel pillow up there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I thought to myself, you know what? I think other people could use feelings wheels in their life.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And rather than have a piece of paper, I made it in a cozy pillow.

[A]

I needed one today or yesterday. No.

[B]

Have me and my girl used it three times?

[A]

Yes. Really?

[B]

Do I want to talk about it? No,

[A]

I can't wait.

[B]

I'm not kidding, dude. If you have a partner or if you have kids. Such a tool to have in the house.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

You can punch it and everything.

[A]

Talking about the pillow, also, you might have seen recently, we had a video go up where we were smashing a watermelon between our thighs. Because we're big manly men and we're doing that. You don't have to tell them that part.

[B]

I crushed it with my hands.

[A]

We were crushing. I crush it with my thighs. No problem. You don't have to watch the video. Just. Just know that that's what happened.

[B]

That' burns when he pees and that's right.

[A]

I got a straight there. Anyway, if you. If you. We were doing that to donate to women's health organization. And also we have a little charity thing that we do. You can.

[B]

If you want to donate to. It's for the American Heart association. You go to heart.org watermelon if you want to donate to that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And as you started today, before I interrupted you, vasectomyfarms.com.

[A]

yes.

[B]

We donate a big chunk of the profits of that to women's reproductive resources. So two good places to donate.

[A]

Yeah. We out here.

[B]

If you give a shit about women. If you don't, don't do it. And you can live with it.

[A]

Do it.

[B]

And if you don't like women, don't do it. And you can live with it.

[A]

Okay, I think that's all. Oh, you can contact us. I almost forgot the most important part.

[B]

I'm going to read this. I got a third grader thing to read you. Alexandra says the question is write a positive message below that may help someone have a great day. Alexandra says, you are amazing. You are awesome and keep doing your thing.

[A]

Love it.

[B]

Next question, Give advice on how someone can have the best day ever. Alexandra says if you want to have the best day ever, you should get 10 scoops of ice cream and go out with friends. And this is her colorings.

[A]

Love it.

[B]

Thank you, Alexandra. We appreciate you very much.

[A]

And we got that because you can contact us and all that information is either below or on the screen right now.

[B]

If you're watching this gives a thanks, Tanya.

[A]

What we'll see on Patreon. We love you. Thanks for being here. We'd love you more if you were on Patreon.

[B]

Bye.

[A]

It's true.

[B]

You have to Earn love.

[A]

He knows that.

[B]

You know how I keep telling you I'm doing a psychology class? Doing it.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Are you really?

[B]

I'm really doing it, dude. Our new sponsor, Southern New Hampshire University, found some classes, bro.

[A]

Oh, you fancy.

[B]

Now I'm out here.

[A]

He's a schoolboy.

[B]

Hey, and here's the thing. If you're like me, and you're just like, dude, I like learning stuff sometimes. Snhu, go learn some stuff. If you were like me in the past, maybe you feel a little stuck in your career, you want to start a new thing. Snhu, what about you?

[A]

I mean, I love to learn.

[B]

Oh, God, he's never learned.

[A]

I need to do it more officially.

[B]

You never learned a thing. Anyway, if you want to check out SNHU and you want to see what kind of programs they have, you can go to Snhu. Edu Sht. And you can request more information. It costs nothing to request more information. It's a great way to support the podcast. Learn some stuff, start a new career. Do whatever you need.

[A]

Go back to school.

[B]

Snhu. Edu Sht. There's also a link in the episode description. Get some info. Start some learning. You're welcome. If you're interested in having the best time of your life, you should go ahead and check out our new sponsor, Psychic Source.

[A]

Oh, buddy, I cannot wait. Dude, I'm trying to talk to dead people. Do they do that?

[B]

They do mediums. They got mediums, right?

[A]

I'll take a large medium.

[B]

All right, so here's the thing. Daddy already did it. Okay? Now here. Here's the thing. If you want to talk to a psychic, and trust me, you do, here's what you do. You go to trypsychicsource.com sht10, okay? You're gonna get 40 minutes. 44. Zero minutes for $19.80. Now, you don't have to use all 40 minutes with one person. I didn't. I did 20 with. And look, mind your business. Talk about my love life.

[A]

Okay, all right.

[B]

Talk about my love life.

[A]

Trying to see some. Some. Maybe some road bumps, just seeing if

[B]

it's going to be clear skies, and it's not. Now, I did the other 20 on just, like, a spiritual thing. See where I'm at? Let me guess. You're gonna do a medium.

[A]

Oh, my God, I can't wait.

[B]

All right, well, if you want to talk to a psychic, you can do that again. Trypsychicsource.com sht10. You get 40 minutes for under $20 do it and then DM us, because I want to hear how it went.

[A]

Oh, I can't. I. Please, please DM Us.

[B]

Oh, God, it's so much fun.

[A]

I want the pee.

[B]

Hello, my little bear cubs, and welcome back.

[A]

Secondhand therapy. And we know that I've been examining

[B]

my.

[A]

I don't know if behavior is the word. Oh. But conversational behavior, since we.

[B]

Conversational behavior. Okay.

[A]

Yeah. You and I had a talk last week.

[B]

Yeah. You're being a little bitch again.

[A]

I was.

[B]

Honestly, though, which talk you talked about? I don't know if I know the right one.

[A]

We went to the coffee shop and had a nice chat.

[B]

We did.

[A]

Covered a lot of bases.

[B]

We did.

[A]

One of the things that you had brought up that I wasn't realizing that I was doing was this idea of complaining. And that fits in the commisery, which is what I've been working on and haven't revisited in a while, because I was like, oh, yeah, I'm not really doing that anymore, but I'm doing it in a different way. And I've caught myself in these re. Examinations, like, doing it, like, what you had brought up. Like, one of the examples was I came in from the outside.

[B]

You went from outside of the house to inside the house.

[A]

And I came in, and I was like, it's hot out already. It's 102. And you were like.

[B]

And you said, what the Are we doing, man?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you were like, yep, every year. Huh? And I was like, yeah, I just can't believe it's crazy. And then I went upstairs. I didn't think any of it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then as we were talking, unpacking things, you were like, yeah, like, things. Like, this is, like, complaining or commisery and stuff. And in my head, I'm like, oh, I didn't look at that as complaining. I was just sharing with you. Like, I. We. Things were like. We had. We got into a little something on the show, and there for a couple days, things were a little. A little off. And so I thought I was like, A, I was kind of testing the waters, and B, I thought I was also extending, like, an opener or a conversation to have. You know what I mean? Like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I didn't. I didn't realize it could be perceived as complaining.

[B]

It's not perceived. It's complaining.

[A]

But yeah. Yeah,

[B]

especially. And this was another point I made a week ago. We were talking about, like, I can't, dude. It's already may. And, like, it's not even hot out yet. Like, how Great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you come in. It's fucking. It's already hot. I was like. We just talked about how it's not hot yet and how great it is.

[A]

Yeah. There had been a switch up, so I was like, wow, this is crazy.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Yeah. In my head, that's what I was doing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then a few days after our conversation,

[B]

I'd also like to make clear. Which we talked about, if you would just come and be like, damn, it's hot out. And that was it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I got no beef.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's now an observation.

[A]

So where it crosses over is ditching

[B]

already. God damn. What are we doing here?

[A]

Hey. Oh, yeah, see, that's still me just expressing. Not. Yeah, in my. In my head.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, I hear you.

[A]

So, anyway, so after you and I had this conversation, I get a phone call from our old friend Ken Gar.

[B]

Shout out to Ken.

[A]

Love Ken. And it had been a minute, and we have a. I don't want to get into. I don't want to get lost in the weeds here. So I just, like, shorthand. We have a mutual friend that we have both had some. Some interactions with before that, you know, not so great. So we. I thought to be funny and to. Because we haven't talked in a minute and this and that, and to be funny and to be relatable and, like, get us going. I thought I would answer the phone and bring up our mutual friends in, like, some current event stuff that's going on. And automatically Ken started backpedaling because he thought that I was actually upset about something.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And in my head, I'm like, oh, I'm around.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I thought this would be funny and whatever. And then the conversation kind of. I felt that shift in the conversation with Ken, and then that kind of took over. The first part of our conversation was him, like, trying to, like, be there for me or calm me down or whatever you want to say. And in my head, I'm like, oh, no. Like, that's not what this was. And looking back on it, I'm like, of course. Like, of course he would think that that's a for real thing, or maybe that I am actually upset about that or whatever. And I'm like, oh, this is what Lou's talking about.

[B]

Like, I think your ex mentioned it a few times too.

[A]

Thanks for bringing that up. Cool. Hey, why do I need these note cards? You're here. Let me see here. And then my ex had brought it up a few times. Yeah. Sorry.

[B]

So you're talking again.

[A]

Yeah. And I Didn't real. Like, looking back on it, I'm like, oh, yeah, this is what's going on.

[B]

Why do I need these note cards?

[A]

You're here.

[B]

So funny. Leave all of it in.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

So funny. Okay, let me get back in the zone.

[A]

All right, so I'm kind of rehashing our conversation from the coffee shop and. Because my therapist was, like, wanting an update on how you and I were in this and that.

[B]

Can you give him a message for me?

[A]

Maybe?

[B]

It's four words. Okay. Mind your business. Okay. Yeah, I'm just gonna go ahead. So I'll write it down.

[A]

Please do. I'll never remember. And then we're talking about this Ken Gar conversation and this and that and commisery. And I brought up to him what I had brought up to you at the coffee shop, which was just like, I. I don't know how. How not to do that. Because for me, what I brought up to you in the coffee shop was like, how boring would it be if we're just sitting here being like, isn't life great? And you're like, it sure is. And then what? We just stare off in the distance and drink our coffee? Like, I'm like, what am I supposed to do with that? And my therapist was like, there's no story there. And I go, yeah, there's no fucking story there. And he goes, you're a story guy to your core. Like, you're a story guy. And he goes, and you know what stories need? And I go, what? He goes, conflict.

[B]

Yeah. And not everything's a story.

[A]

Stories need conflict.

[B]

Yeah. Hey, that's a good one, buddy. That's a good one.

[A]

Shut me up. I was like, yeah, but, yeah.

[B]

He's like, yeah.

[A]

He's like, yeah, you're so.

[B]

Is it. So, like, we're at the coffee shop, that experience of us at the coffee shop needs to be a story, or that time has to be filled with stories.

[A]

Filled with stories. Or if we're talking, it doesn't need to be filled with stories. But if we are going to conversate again, like, what's much more interesting to me is not like, hey, life's good, huh? And you go, yeah. And then we just sit there. Or you tell me a happy story about, like, where nothing goes wrong. I'm like, what the fuck is this? I much rather hear you.

[B]

Why would you want to be happy for me?

[A]

I mean, not like that.

[B]

Like, hey, it is like that, my

[A]

guy with no conflict is what I'm saying.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I go, dude, I just got from here. It's great. I had a connection with my mom.

[A]

You're like, that's different. That's fine. I'm talking like, hey, I went to Chipotle and I got their new burrito, and it's really great.

[B]

No, I don't want to hear it.

[A]

I'd be like, okay, now, did you go to Chipotle and some guy in front of you was acting up and there's that? Tell me that.

[B]

Oh, my God. What do you get out of that? You like to hear a conflict as well?

[A]

Yeah, I like that. Yeah. Let me in there.

[B]

You're a toxic bitch.

[A]

I want to hear about it.

[B]

You are a toxic bitch to your core, baby.

[A]

Give me the tea.

[B]

I'm gonna throw hot tea in your face just so you have a story.

[A]

It's a great story,

[B]

But.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. And I. I also just grew up with gossip Dog.

[B]

It's interesting. You always refer to it as gossip.

[A]

Oh, what.

[B]

What is it talking? It's shit talking. Sure.

[A]

Some of it.

[B]

Okay. Forward. Onward.

[A]

Yes. Yeah. So, yeah, I've been really. I've been really, like, examining conversations, and I've been trying to be more mindful about, like, What I want to share and how I share it. I think how I share it is more.

[B]

Do the first part, too. I don't need to hear about your burrito, you know?

[A]

Yeah, I just. So you don't have any of that at all? You don't have. You don't like story in general?

[B]

I mean, I love a story.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Stories are rare, bro. Not everything's a story.

[A]

Not rare. They're happening all the time.

[B]

No, you just want them to be.

[A]

They are.

[B]

Nope.

[A]

You don't think stories are happening all around you all the time?

[B]

No.

[A]

Because they're not notable.

[B]

Yeah. Life is mundane, my guy.

[A]

Yeah. So why not notice the things that aren't?

[B]

I do. But life is mundane. It's not always exciting. It's not always remarkable. Sometimes it is.

[A]

Yeah. I don't think those are competing ideas. I'm me saying that stories are happening all around us, and you're saying that life's mundane.

[B]

Mm. Is there as much conflict in your life as you present?

[A]

Honestly? Probably not.

[B]

Okay, well, so we got there quickly. We got there quickly.

[A]

What do you mean? Like, that doesn't mean that there isn't story there.

[B]

It's just made up because it's not actually happening. Embellishing a thing to make it more interesting is storytelling is fiction. But you sit here and talk about how you crave. Connection? How are you connecting if you're telling a fairy tale all the time? There's no connection. There's no vulnerability there.

[A]

It's all made up, but it's not made up. Some things are louder, but it's not made up. I think that's. I think maybe that's. Yeah. Some things are. Are performed. Or louder.

[B]

What about the conflict that wasn't actually there?

[A]

I think. I think what we're talking about is. Is I'm making the conflict louder sometimes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I. I know that you don't like that.

[B]

I hate it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I. I'll just watch a movie. It'll be better.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The.

[B]

The guy in front of you at Chipotle is not as interesting as you think it is. No matter what. Unless he pulls out a gun and kills somebody. Yeah. It's not that interesting. It just isn't.

[A]

So why does it have to be a certain degree of interesting to. To be shareable for you to be in. And that goes into, like, enjoyment and, like, all that stuff. Like, you can't.

[B]

Because it's just mundane. It's just to fill the silence.

[A]

And you're not interested in sharing unless it is worth sharing. Yeah.

[B]

Otherwise. How are you doing?

[A]

What do you mean,

[B]

how are you doing? Don't tell me about the thing you saw or the thing over. What's going on with you?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How are you doing, bro? This fucking guy. Tripoli don't give a shit. What are we avoiding by you telling me these stories all day long? What's going on? How are you doing?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's what I'm interested in. Connecting with you. I don't keep a giant circle of people because that's what. That's what acquaintances are for me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is storytelling and remember when. And I don't give a shit about any of that, man.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You want to tell me? Like, dude, I got my own past. I'm always trying not let weigh me down. I gotta hear about. Remember when. I'm good, dude. I'm good. How are you doing? What's something you learned recently about yourself? Like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I don't give a. The guy at Chipotle. Go yourself. Sorry.

[A]

That was aggressive.

[B]

That make any sense to you or is that just not.

[A]

I was.

[B]

I was yapping there. How'd that land for you?

[A]

No, I. I just. I see it all as connection. Oh, yeah.

[B]

It isn't for you?

[A]

Sure. Okay. For me, it counts as connection. I enjoy moments like that. I enjoy hearing about your thing at Chipotle or whatever. The. You know what I mean? Like, I enjoy that.

[B]

Yeah, because we're connecting or because it means I'm spending time with you and you're being chosen.

[A]

Not about being chosen, But I do. I am big on quality time.

[B]

That's a quality time.

[A]

Me telling you about I'm big on time.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's not. And. And because the word quality is removed there, then that doesn't mean that it is valuable to you.

[B]

I'm not saying it's not valuable to me, but trying to tell me that there is a difference between spending time with someone and spending quality time with someone. Mm. But I spent time with everybody in line at Chipotle. We all spent time together. We did.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just like you and me are at Chipotle eating a burrito next to each other, not saying a word. We're spending time. That's not quality time.

[A]

It's time. And I enjoy that.

[B]

Good for you. That's great. Hey, do you enjoy being alone?

[A]

Sometimes.

[B]

You want to tell the truth?

[A]

Sometimes I do enjoy being alone. Out of here.

[B]

No. Yeah, of course it's quality time. Because you hate being alone, dude. Yeah, I enjoy my alone time. So spending time with somebody else. I prefer it to be quality time. Not always, but I don't want to hear. I don't hear you bitch about the fucking cashier. I don't give a fuck, dude. Yeah, that's draining. You ever been around someone that's just always bitching?

[A]

Yeah, I grew up around it.

[B]

Well, how'd you like it?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What happened? What. What part?

[A]

Just time versus quality time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We'll be right back with more secondhand therapy. Hang tight. I know we talk about betterhelp a lot on this show, but now they're a sponsor.

[B]

They are a sponsor, dude.

[A]

I'm using better help. I'm loving it so far. It's so easy to find a therapist, find out what I'm looking for, and if it's not working out because that has happened, I've been able to switch therapists with no problem at all.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, you had that one. That was not a good fit.

[A]

It's not a good fate. And that happens. Finding good therapists is, like, a lot like finding, you know, being out there in the dating world and finding the right partner for you.

[B]

And you're married now.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Never.

[A]

Never.

[B]

You're in love now.

[A]

I have to talk about this to my therapist.

[B]

Dude, you're there. Can I meet this person? I don't even know their gender. Can I meet this person.

[A]

Absolutely not.

[B]

Let's do one together.

[A]

Well, we should sign up for couples therapy on BetterHelp.

[B]

I'll do it. You think I won't do it? You think I won't win couples therapy with you, dude? You think I'm not gonna walk out with the trophy?

[A]

I know you will.

[B]

All right, here's the good news. They really are a sponsor, and if you have wanted to get in therapy and maybe you don't know where to start, maybe you don't have insurance like us, you can go to BetterHelp. They were nice enough to give us a discount. So if you hear this, you can go to betterhelp.com secondhand therapy and you will get 10% off your first month. There's a link below the episode. Starting therapy. It helps. It really helps. No matter what you want to work on, give it a shot. Betterhelp.com secondhand therapy. We love you guys.

[A]

I zoom out a little bit, and I think about you and I. And I think that that goes into intention. You were somebody who lives with a lot of intention, and I am somebody who struggles with intention. And so I think that is a glaring example of. Of it is quality time versus time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I have an example. Sure. I don't know if it's a good one. Okay. But what came to my head was, like, you and me sitting next to each other eating a meal, just eating and staring out the window. Yeah. For me, that's just time. Now if I'm sitting there with my niece eating ice cream, and I'm really trying to just be in this moment and just watch her eat ice cream as a child. Yeah. And how happy she is. It really. We're doing the same thing, but that now becomes quality time because I'm intentionally being present and taking in this era of her life that will be gone soon. Yeah. And that as much as I'm gonna try to remember it, I probably won't remember the moment. So I just have to be in it and enjoy while I can, and that becomes quality time.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah,

[B]

yeah.

[A]

I struggle so much with intention.

[B]

Yeah. When it comes to, like, time and connection or in general.

[A]

Just in general.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I do too.

[A]

I've been trying to be better at it this year.

[B]

Well, it's May so well.

[A]

Still counts. You dick.

[B]

Yep. Sorry about that.

[A]

And that's.

[B]

That wasn't bitching, I was gonna say. And that was a negative. It was a negative thing to say, but it wasn't a complaint.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Although I do live with you now.

[A]

We Got there now. There we go.

[B]

We did it now. We got there. We did it. I didn't mean it. It was just an example for the pod. I hope you got a laugh out of it, guys, because he is crying. He's upset now. Okay, go ahead.

[A]

I did have to use the feelings wheel.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no. We're gonna talk about your struggle there. What?

[A]

All healed.

[B]

Make up some conflict. You love to do that.

[A]

I don't make it up. I make it louder.

[B]

Okay, go ahead. How you been feeling the last couple days? No, we can move on if you want.

[A]

I just. I don't have a lot to say about it. It's just because I. I don't have any examples at the ready, but I. Besides, and I think I've already mentioned this, too, is like, the motorcycle has taught me so much about intention. Unintentionally, ironically.

[B]

Let me ask you this. Do you. What a stupid waste of a sentence. Every time. Let me ask you something. Let me ask you this. Here's what I'm gonna say. Never feel dumber than when I do that. However, let me ask you this. Do you see the value of intention?

[A]

Yes. Absolutely.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And that's why I've been trying to hone in on it more.

[B]

What does hone in on it mean?

[A]

Take a minute, take a beat, and really think about, like, intent. Because I think that's why I struggle with it so much, is because I live so much of my life, like, just chaos. Just spontaneous and chaos. Yeah. Yeah. When I'm actually taking a moment and. And focusing on intention. Hey, things turn out better. Turns out when you take your time and actually think about it. Yeah. Things get better.

[B]

Hey. Yeah, I know.

[A]

Yeah, I know.

[B]

You know? I know.

[A]

I know you. Yeah, that's hard. That's hard, man. That's hard for me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I want to do everything at once.

[B]

Why?

[A]

I don't know. I don't have a good answer for you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She's how it's always been. So I don't know. I don't know. It's.

[B]

It could be something to do with your value being your productivity, probably.

[A]

Yeah. I think that's in there for sure. But also just, like, thinking about, like. Okay, this. This is also what I want to talk about was, like, one. I really had a lot of gratitude for you today.

[B]

Today? Yeah.

[A]

Only today. Okay. First time ever. Only today.

[B]

I'll take it. What I do.

[A]

I've been in a funk yesterday and today, and, yeah, I didn't really know why or what I was Feeling and like you had given me time and space and not like I avoided you.

[B]

Really good.

[A]

Been upon me kidding. And then today you came in and sat with me and, and let me be me be chaotic and vent and whatever and. And then you helped me with a few things and you. This feeds into what we were just talking about. You were like. You were like, if it were me, here's what I would do. And like you had talked about setting priority to. I was feeling overwhelmed. I didn't know what I was feeling until today. And. And the feeling kept coming back to is being overwhelmed with all these things that I have going on because I want to do everything and I want

[B]

to do them all at once and can't miss out.

[A]

I can't miss out. It's not miss out. I was thinking about this earlier. It's not miss out. It is. This goes back to story. I. I feel like I have so much to share, so many stories to share and that I'm getting older and I'm running out of time and that all of these projects I'm not going to get to do or share these stories. And that's a real problem for me. So it's not the fact that I'm like missing out on doing something in the moment. It's missing out and like doing it in general or ever getting it done. Anyways. You had, you had said, you need to, you need to see what these. Line these up in priority. Like what's number one, what's number two? And I said, well, my problem is that they're all number one priority. And you were like, okay, but that's how I, how I really felt. And. And then you had something really useful. You said, take away the people pleasing. Take away the pressures of other people or like if you're going to upset them or whatever. Like, does the priority change then. And yeah, most of the priorities go away,

[B]

Man.

[A]

I struggle with that. So I wanted to say thank you for taking that time with me and also helping me today and.

[B]

Happy to do it. Man.

[A]

I'm gonna be honest with you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was isolating yesterday as I like, I noticed. As I like to do. And I had a thought.

[B]

Huh. And.

[A]

I don't even, I don't even want to tell you this.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

I'm going to tell you this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I need you to just delete it from your brain after I tell you this.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Same goes for you too. Just. Everybody just forget I even said this out loud because it's very embarrassing.

[B]

Burns. When you Pee?

[A]

No. Oh, I do struggle with being alone.

[B]

Duh. Is that the thing?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And yesterday I was isolating, and I didn't. Again, I didn't know what was happening with me. I didn't know what I was feeling. I just wasn't feeling great. And. This is so stupid. I almost cried just now and I don't know what. This is so embarrassing. All I wanted. I'm going to say this really fast. All I wanted to do was. I was going to. I was going to ask if I could just. Just come in your room and just be somewhere in your room so I wasn't alone. And I didn't know how to do that. And it's really embarrassing and hard for me even talk about it now.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I don't know why that is. I don't know why I feel so weird about that.

[B]

No, that makes sense to me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I would feel weird about asking that.

[A]

That's. It's weird, right?

[B]

Like, that's a pretty vulnerable thing. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I don't want to open your eyes already. I don't want to. I think I'm gonna cry. I don't want to cry.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't want conversation. I didn't. I think. Okay. That's what it was.

[B]

Hey, you got the right guy. Hey, can I come in here and just shut the fuck up for a while?

[A]

That's what we do in here.

[B]

That's what this room is for.

[A]

You came to the shut the fuck up room.

[B]

Yeah, dude, my girl's got a fucking love sack in her closet because she needs some shut the fuck up time. That's what we do in here.

[A]

Yeah, I. Yeah, it goes back to not wanting to. To answer to anything. What do you mean?

[B]

What would you. I don't understand what answered anything means.

[A]

What's going on? What's on your mind? How you feeling? Like, what's up? Hey, I don't know.

[B]

Do you think if you. Sorry, I interrupted. Okay. Do you think if you came and just said the thing. Hey, I really don't want to be alone right now, but I also don't want to talk at all. Can I just come in here and just sit and we don't talk?

[A]

I don't. I don't know if I'll ever be at a place I could do that. Because that is so bothersome.

[B]

Let me tell you one thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I value direct communication.

[A]

I know you do. Oh, yeah, I know. But the idea of. Yeah, I mean. I'm not gonna bother you with that, man. Yeah.

[B]

You Wanna know what I would have said? You'll never know. There's only one way to find out, baby.

[A]

I don't know why that was so upsetting. I didn't like that.

[B]

No, that's a. That's a vulnerable thing. You get that, man? Yeah. Don't ever knock on my door with that. I'm just kidding. You can do that if my girl's not home.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[B]

Spending time together, you can't do that, buddy. That is a boundary. I would never. But if it's just you and me here and I'm in my room reading or something, I care, bro.

[A]

You're kidding me. I wouldn't, buddy.

[B]

Yeah, okay.

[A]

What's going on with you?

[B]

What?

[A]

What's going on with you?

[B]

Oh, we're done with you. Is that. Yeah, that's how we're ending it?

[A]

Yeah. I got nothing. Well, I'm sorry. Did you have questions.

[B]

Earlier in the episode? Why did you lie about not liking to be alone? Because we all knew. I said sometimes, and that's a lie. So why'd you lie?

[A]

That wasn't a lie. Sometimes it's true.

[B]

Did you really have something written down about your girl? Used to bring up complaining.

[A]

No.

[B]

I thought that really was, like, a segue, and I. It up.

[A]

No.

[B]

Hey, why do I have these cards when you're here? That's so funny, dude.

[A]

Oh, yeah, man.

[B]

What's going on? Me? I had couples therapy today. Yeah.

[A]

Unfortunately. Go.

[B]

Unfortunately, we're out of time.

[A]

Not true.

[B]

This is our third session. We've been going every other week. And to tell you how it went, we are now moving to weekly.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Yeah, we. It was okay. Not because, like, to be clear, it's not because, like, we're trying to save or anything like that. Right? It's just a lot of emotion came out today. I left that room. My face was beet red. I. I said in the session out loud. I was like, I have a lot of anxiety in my body right now.

[A]

Yeah, you were sharing emotion.

[B]

Shut up, dude.

[A]

I'm just. I'm clarifying and surprised. All of us were.

[B]

Dude, at the end of the session. Yeah. The therapist looked panicked because we. We got into some doorknob and I. I even said. I was like, you look like a little panic. She's like, I'm not panicked. She's like, I'm trying to remember this all from my notes. And I was like, okay. She's like, I feel fine.

[A]

Wow. Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's all I'm sharing. No, no, no.

[B]

Okay, here's what I can share. So there is one of the issues of. Here's. Let me give you one thing I learned in therapy today.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I don't feel or think that I said anything new in therapy today that I have never said to my girl. Somehow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

My girl heard everything I had to say for the first time. She learned a ton today.

[A]

Really.

[B]

It's frustrating. Let me see my wheel.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Frustrating. It's frustrating. I'm like, I didn't say anything new, but she finally got it.

[A]

Was it because it was helped? Was it, like, kind of guided by.

[B]

We had a translator.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. We should go to couples therapy.

[B]

No. If you go in there and shut the up. If we do. If we do bedroom couch time, sure. Yeah. So that was. That was really frustrating. I'm like, I have said all of this before.

[A]

Can you give an example or no?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Not really.

[A]

I'm just wondering what the. What the miscommunication would have been before the translator. And that's. That's what I'm trying to get like. Because you. You seem frustrated. Like, I've told her this or we've talked about this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's. What was. I want to.

[B]

I'm. I'll give you a comparison.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When I say things, and you go, why are you attacking me? And if we had a translator be like, lou, it sounds like you're saying. And you go, okay. It's like that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But one. One kind of the breakthroughs we had today was there is a part of me, not to my surprise. Mm. But to my girls. Right. I don't know why that. It. This part's job is to protect her.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Who would have thought?

[A]

You're very protective.

[B]

Oh, I know,

[A]

but she. So she hasn't recognized that before?

[B]

No.

[A]

Foreign.

[B]

We'll be right back with more secondhand therapy after this. If you're interested in having the best time of your life, you should go ahead and check out our new sponsor, Psychic Source.

[A]

Oh, buddy, I cannot wait. Dude, I'm trying to talk to dead people. Do they do that?

[B]

They do mediums. They got mediums.

[A]

All right. I'll take a large medium.

[B]

All right, so here's the thing. Daddy already did it. Okay? Now, here. Here's the thing. If you want to talk to a psychic, and trust me, you do, here's what you do. You go to trypsychicsource.com sht10. Okay? You're gonna get 40 minutes. 44. Zero minutes for $19.80. Now, you don't have to use all 40 minutes with one person. I didn't. I did 20 with. And look, mind your business. Talk about my love life.

[A]

Okay. All right.

[B]

Talk about my love life.

[A]

Trying to see some. Some. Maybe some road bumps, just seeing if

[B]

it's gonna be clear skies, and it's not. Now, I did the other 20 on just, like, a spiritual thing. See where I'm at? Let me guess. You're gonna do a medium.

[A]

Oh, my God. I can't wait.

[B]

All right, well, if you want to talk to a psychic, you can do that again. Trypsychicsource.com sht10. You get 40 minutes for under $20. Do it and then DM us, because I want to hear how it went.

[A]

Oh, I can't. I. Please, please DM us.

[B]

Oh, God, it's so much fun.

[A]

I want the tea. I know we talk about betterhelp a lot on this show, but now they're a sponsor.

[B]

They are a sponsor, dude.

[A]

I'm using better help. I'm loving it so far. It's so easy to find a therapist, find out what I'm looking for, and if it's not working out, because that has happened, I've been able to switch therapists with no problem at all.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, you had that one. That was not a good fit.

[A]

It's not a good fate. And that happens. Finding good therapists is, like, a lot like finding, you know, being out there in the dating world and finding the right partner for you.

[B]

And you're married now.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Never.

[A]

Never.

[B]

You're in love now.

[A]

I have to talk about this with my therapist.

[B]

Dude, you're there. Can I meet this person? I don't even know their gender. Can I meet this person?

[A]

Absolutely not.

[B]

Let's do one together.

[A]

Well, we should sign up for couples therapy on BetterHelp.

[B]

I'll do it. You think I won't do it? You think I won't win couples therapy with you? Dude? You think I'm not gonna walk out with the trophy?

[A]

I know you will.

[B]

All right, here's the good news. They really are a sponsor, and if you have wanted to get in therapy and maybe you don't know where to start, maybe you don't have insurance like us. You can go to BetterHelp. They were nice enough to give us a discount. So if you hear this, you can go to betterhelp.com secondhand therapy, and you will get 10% off your first month. There's a link below the episode. Starting therapy. It helps. It really helps. No matter what you want to work on. Give it a shot. Betterhelp.com Secondhand therapy we love you guys.

[A]

I wrote a book, which still feels weird to say out loud. It is a collection of short stories and essays and faux journal entries, and it's, you know, all about love, grief, dating, loneliness, and all the weird ways people try to hold on to each other while they fall apart. Some of the stories are funny. Some of the stories are sad. Most are, you know, a blend of both. I mean, honestly, the book really isn't about love. It's. It's more about moments. Like those awkward moments after an argument or the drive home after a bad date, or, you know, that silence after someone says, I'm fine when you know that they're lying to you. Anyways, I am offering signed copies of the [e-mail] so if you've ever mistaken attention for intimacy or referred to distance as independence or, you know, love someone and then realized that that really wasn't the problem, then this book might be for you. And you can get a signed copy and stickers and bookmarks and all kinds of fun [e-mail] it's available in paperback, hardback, ebook, and the audiobook is coming soon, so there's no excuse. Go check it out. Velvettigerbooks.com

[B]

Would you like to know how she hears it?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're incapable. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Yeah.

[B]

So give you an example.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She recently took a week off of work to go help a friend with her friend's job.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And this friend said, hey, we're going out of town. Like, all this, like, I will pay you X amount of dollars. It's going to be a huge help. Thank you. She went, did the work, still has not been paid. Now, before she left, when she was still agreeing to these things, I was asking her, like, okay, how do you feel about the price? Do you feel like what you're giving up at work, it makes up? Like, we had to talk about money. Right. And I also would say things like, is this. Does this. This person, like, you feel comfortable, like, trusting, and they're not gonna stiff you or run out of money or anything like that? Like, they seem to be reliable from a business stance. Yeah. And she said, yeah. And I was like, okay. Like, sounds like you made a good decision then. But now that she hasn't been paid. Mm. She's waiting for, like, a big I told you so, or, how could you think you could trust this person? And I'm just like, I haven't said any of That I haven't said any of it. Yeah, but because we had the conversation about making the decision, and she might still get paid. I don't fucking. I don't have a crystal ball. Right, but because she hasn't been paid, she is waiting for, like, I told you. Yeah, and what. Why would. I told you what? We talked about it. You might get paid. You know, why not? That's how life goes. That's for any job ever. Yeah, but when we're having the conversation about, like, okay, you feel comfortable about the commit all that. I'm trying to protect her because she's also, like, working on her relationship with money, something you guys have in common, like, steady income and, like, so financial security is important to her.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So giving up money for money to help a friend. Again, I'm trying to, like, protect her to make sure she's setting herself up for the best scenario by asking some questions about, like. You feel good about it? Yes. Great. But, yeah, she doesn't always hear it that way.

[A]

So she hears that you don't think that she's capable of making a good

[B]

decision in that instance. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

So was the therapist able to interact and, like, translate it?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Did she give you guys any tools for future conversations? Like, is there any wording that needs to be changed or any like.

[B]

No, she. She just now understands that her partner is trying to protect her a lot. Yeah. Who fucking knew? Who knew, dude?

[A]

And so the frustration that you have is. Is what, of course, is that she didn't know that that's what was going

[B]

on or that I had a desire to protect her at all. What do you think I'm doing out here?

[A]

Did you ever clarify those actions?

[B]

No. Say, hey, I'm trying to protect you right now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you know what? Even just saying that right now, to me, it sounds patronizing or demeaning. I think that's why I wouldn't say something like that.

[A]

Is. Is that because that's how you would feel if somebody said that to you?

[B]

Probably.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. You're not gonna like this.

[B]

All right.

[A]

I already had therapy today, so some people need to hear it.

[B]

I know. Yeah. That's stupid. You know, Just know what I'm doing. Just be on the same page. Hey, I'm on the page. Hop on.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Plenty of room. Yeah, Yeah, I know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I. Yeah, I just.

[A]

You're not somebody who. Who needs a lot of context, though.

[B]

I don't need context. I don't really need detailed instructions. Point me in the way, give me the objective that's enough.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I figure it out. I'll figure it out. I've never learned how to ask for help my entire life. I'll figure it out.

[A]

Sure. Not everybody operates that way, though.

[B]

Yeah, I know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, they should. But yeah. As soon as the therapist was like, okay, Lucille, what I'm hearing is you're really just trying to protect her. I'm like, yes. She had no idea. Yeah.

[A]

Frustrating.

[B]

I think. I'm. I just. I'm so. And you know what? I might also be frustrated with myself because I put so much intention into being clear, because feeling misheard or misunderstood is a very hard feeling for me. I do not like to feel misunderstood or misheard. Yeah. And we get that. We get that shows up on here sometimes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Whereas you'll quote me back to me, and I'll be like, that's not what I said.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I said, da, da, da. And you'll be like, you're hung up on semantics. I'm like, no, I'm not. You clearly didn't hear what I said. So either you're not listening to me, or you don't care enough to hear what I have to say, or you're trying to twist my words, and any one of those three I'm not cool with. So here's what I said.

[A]

Interesting. Yeah. So in those moments, do you. You think that is more helpful than trying to. Claire, like, when I asked about clarifying, like, did you ever just say, I'm trying to protect you? Like, in that moment, if we have, like, a miscommunication, I go, yeah, but you said that I. Blah, blah, blah. You know, that's not what I said. So it's more important for you to be. Have those corrected instead of just trying to pick up on my feeling of, like, I don't. I don't. I think you're saying that I'm incapable, and you're like, I'm trying to protect you. Which is more valuable? Are they the same value?

[B]

Most of the time, my feelings are more important than yours.

[A]

Feelings, for sure, but the community, the communication. Yeah.

[B]

I need to be heard.

[A]

So you. That's what I'm getting at. So you feel more heard by correcting the quoted or the misquoted things instead of correcting the emotion that's happening, the emotional miscommunication.

[B]

You're not gonna like this.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I can't correct your emotions.

[A]

I'm talking about our, like, our whatever communication is happening.

[B]

I only have control over my emotions.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

That's all I can worry about.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So. So you. You saying to her, I'm trying to protect you is trying to. If she was able fix or control her emotions and not the situation.

[B]

You were able to communicate to me that I. How I'm receiving this right now is that you're telling me I'm incapable. I could then go, okay, what I'm trying to do is protect you, but I don't have a thing to correct or to clarify. I think what I'm doing is blatantly obvious.

[A]

Got it. Yeah. So it's impossible for you to correct it before she brings it or. Or to clarify before she brings it. Yeah. Because you think I'm already. I've already clarified.

[B]

I think it's on a billboard on my forehead.

[A]

Got it. Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Yeah.

[B]

But some people, they miss billboards, dog. Hey, you know. Yeah.

[A]

Those purple people.

[B]

Yeah,

[A]

yeah, yeah, those purples be out here driving by those billboards, looking at the flashing sign going, what the fuck?

[B]

Yeah. There's a field board says, hey, the cliff is coming. You're like, what the fu. Yeah, it was yellow. Did you read it?

[A]

No, no, no, no.

[B]

Said, you're gonna die soon. I would have caught that. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Interesting.

[B]

Yeah. It's

[A]

so. There is. So she didn't give you anything for the future communication?

[B]

No, because it's not a communication. It's not like. It's not a miscommunication. It's our individual parts. It's. I have a part that wants to be protective, and she has a part that needs autonomy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that part feels like it's being told, hey, you have full agency and autonomy, but you're gonna it up. And there's. There is. I'm sure there is a way to communicate that, but really, it's things that are happening inside us individually.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I think it just being, as you would say, on the radar now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We can. We have to remind each other, like, I might sometimes. Hey, I'm just feeling protective right now. I'm trying to.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I'm trying to protect you. And she might have to go.

[A]

Okay. Yeah.

[B]

I'm being a little defensive. I feel like you're calling me an idiot or however it comes out in her mouth. I don't know. She's smarter than I am, so. Yeah. Yeah. So it's. It's both of our jobs. Not really a tool. It's annoyingly being mindful and aware in the moment.

[A]

I was just gonna ask how hard that is gonna be for you.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Because you already think that you are being clear and stuff like that. So how hard is it going to be for you to be reminded that sometimes I need to say, hey, I'm just being X, Y and Z right now?

[B]

I don't know. I just learned it today. Yeah, I don't know. Probably will be an adjustment. It will take mindfulness and awareness and intention on my part. But I'm very lucky in that I have a partner who is equally invested in us understanding one another better. So I'll have help and so will she. So it'll be. It'll be hard, but. I feel confident that we can do it. Hello my little bear cub. I just wanted to say thank you so much for listening to this episode. If you like ad free episodes and other bonus content, please head on over to patreon.com secondhand therapy pod okay, love you, bye. And we know that Jesus, that's a bear. It's not. Need a moment to breathe with Podbean's ambient relaxation. Enjoy ocean waves, calming rain and peaceful nature sounds anytime, anywhere. Whether you're working, studying, meditating or winding down, your perfect calm is just one tap away. Download the Podbean app today on Google Play in the Apple App Store. Relax with Podbean P O D B E A N.

[A]

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