Crying Over Dinner & Audio to Replace Your Car Horn - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Summary

Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: "Crying Over Dinner & Audio to Replace Your Car Horn – Spit Hits!"

Date: July 23, 2026
Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason

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Overview

In this hilariously offbeat episode of the Spitballers Podcast, the trio—Andy, Mike, and Jason—tackle life’s most random and ridiculous hypotheticals, delivering absurd yet strangely relatable takes on questions like: Would you rather lose a tooth or sport George Costanza’s haircut? What food could you eat in exponentially growing quantities? And, most importantly, what sound would you use to replace your car horn? Listeners get the usual “clean family fun” with sharp banter, dad-level wisdom no one should follow, and a showcase of signature Spitballers camaraderie.

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Key Discussion Points and Segments

1. Scat Opening Skit & Garbage Disposal Impression (01:27–02:44)

• The episode kicks off with Andy attempting a new "scat" sound, which—intentionally or not—ends up sounding like a garbage disposal. The others riff on the sound, debating its merits and mocking its “high horsepower.”
• Notable Moment:
  Jason: “That was a bottom five.” (01:46)
  Andy: “If you put glass down that sink, I’m gonna take it. No problem.” (01:47)

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2. Would You Rather: Lose a Front Tooth or the George Costanza Haircut? (03:32–11:28)

• The trio debates: Would you rather permanently lose a front tooth (with no replacement) or be stuck with the iconic George Costanza “skullet,” with no hats allowed?
• Andy is firm: "This is very, very easy. This is layup level. There's no debate—choice 100%." (04:00)
• Arguments For Costanza Hair:
  • Balding is normal and common, especially by age 50 (statistics: 50% of men by 50, 2/3 by 60).
  • Missing a front tooth draws more social judgment than balding.
  • Andy: "If I saw someone in the grocery store missing a tooth, I'm going to 100% judge them." (05:54)
• Jason’s Tooth Perspective:
  • Thinks he could hide it, citing his own past dental experiences, but concedes the front tooth is extremely noticeable.
  • "I want my pride. I lose my pride if I’m walking around…” (07:31)
• Unanimous Conclusion: All agree missing a front tooth is the bigger social penalty—Costanza hair is the lesser evil.
• Memorable Joke:
  Jason: “They don't know how to operate the podcast. They're missing teeth. I'm in the clear. They are not hearing this.” (08:47)

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3. Would You Rather: Pixar, Marvel, or Star Wars Role? (11:29–17:29)

• A fan asks: If you could appear in any Disney property—Pixar, Marvel, or Star Wars—which would you pick?
• Pixar: More prestigious, but it's only voice acting.
  • Andy: “Pixar is the best…but you’re just a voice.”
  • Mike: “You become that character, and then that character lives on forever…” (12:21)
• Marvel: More chance for “screen time,” prestige if you’re a main superhero.
  • Andy: "I love superheroes. I've got to go Marvel." (16:44)
  • Mike: "Imagine they reboot Wolverine and now you're Wolverine—coolest outcome." (16:57)
• Star Wars: More fun for fans, being in canon.
  • Jason: “That’s the funnest movie to shoot…the most fun to be in.” (12:58)
  • Memories and fandom give Star Wars extra appeal.
• Decisions:
  • Andy: Marvel
  • Jason: Star Wars
  • Mike: Marvel

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4. Would You Rather: Laugh When People Cry, or Cry When People Laugh? (17:30–19:17)

• The dilemma: Would you rather involuntarily laugh whenever someone cries, or cry whenever someone laughs?
• Initial Reactions:
  • All agree: laughing at someone’s pain is inherently worse and more socially catastrophic.
  • Mike: “You will be crying all the time.” (17:48)
  • Jason: “Or I’d have to do really sad podcasts.” (18:29)
• After Realization: Constant crying would disrupt life, but the embarrassment of laughing during serious or sad moments (like at a funeral) cannot be lived down.
• Quote:
  Andy: “You can’t laugh when someone cries; that answer is out.” (18:37)

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5. The Situation Room: Eating While Your Friend Cries at Dinner (21:07–26:39)

• Question: If your friend is crying while telling a sad story at a restaurant and the food arrives, when is it polite to start eating?
• Storytime: Jason shares his real-life experience of making his wife cry (by accident) at a restaurant: “I didn’t know that what I was going to say was going to make her cry…it’s been burned into my mind, that embarrassment.” (21:38)
• Etiquette Debate:
  • Hand food vs. silverware—hand food is easier to eat discreetly.
  • Waiting for your friend to break the “food ice” is safest.
  • Andy: “I think you have to wait until the crying is over. You can’t.” (24:19)
  • Creative suggestions to nudge the crying friend to eat so everyone can start.
  • Running Joke: Encouraging friends, “Why don’t you eat up? You need something to eat, right? That’s the ticket.” (25:06)

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6. Would You Face Your Greatest Fear to Save a Friend? (Squishing Room Scenario) (26:39–32:29)

• Situation: Andy’s about to be crushed in a room with walls closing in. The only way to save him: Mike must endure bee stings, or Jason must allow a tarantula to crawl on him.
• Andy (arachnophobia):
  • “If there is a tarantula at my house and I know about it, I have a for-sale sign going up.” (32:10)
  • Can kill scorpions, but spiders (especially big hairy ones) are his greatest fear.
  • “It is not going to be me, bro.” (27:26)
• Mike (bee phobia): Willing to face bee stings to save Andy.
  • “I could take a couple bee stings—only to save a life, though.” (32:19)
• Jason (spider phobia): Unwilling, the fear is “unconquerable.”
• Running Gag: Andy’s extreme tactics to avoid spiders in daily life (Amazon packages, avoidance rituals).

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7. Food Exponential Growth Challenge: What Food Would You Choose? (32:29–37:36)

• Prompt: You must pick one food to eat for a week, doubling the quantity each day (e.g., 1, 2, 4, up to 64 units Sunday). What do you pick, and what is your starting portion?
• Breakdown:
  • Math quickly gets out of control—by Sunday you eat 64 of whatever you chose.
  • Andy picks steak; calculates the max daily intake.
  • Jason jokes about ice cream: "64 scoops, you could do it. You would die so soon." (37:13)
  • Mike, joking: “Cigarettes, actually. The tobacco leaf is very nutritious.” (37:27)

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8. The Draft: Audio to Replace Your Car Horn (40:06–49:31)

• Each host takes turns drafting “sounds” to use instead of a traditional car horn, with comedic and practical considerations.
• Draft Results:
  • Jason: (first pick) Fart sound, Ayuga horn, throat clear/cough, air raid siren, laugh track (he jokes about picking twice in a round!)
    • “There’s only one thing I could think of. It’s just a big fart horn.” (40:23)
  • Andy: Referee whistle, screaming goat, DJ air horn, (starts with fart)
    • On goat scream: “I’m not a goat, so I’m not a cat. Your Honor, forgive me for not doing a perfect goat.” (45:38)
  • Mike: Police “woop woop” siren, human scream, Star Wars laser, Mortal Kombat “Fatality!” sound
    • “Just a blood-curdling human scream.” (42:36)
• Memorable Banter:
  • Andy: “You would be so obnoxious with that [DJ air] horn.” (49:04)
  • Mike: “I use [Fatality!] only after I hit a pedestrian.” (49:34)

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9. Wrap-up: What Did We Learn Today? (49:43–50:33)

• Andy: “25% more people bald from the age of 50 to 60…” (49:47)
• Mike: “Just the George Costanza—it’s good for nobody.” (50:06)
• Jason: “It wasn’t my turn. I learned it wasn’t my turn.” (49:44)
• Light-hearted jokes about the draft confusion and callbacks to the baldness segment and Andy’s tarantula post.

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Notable Quotes

• Andy:

  • "If there is a tarantula at my house and I don't know about it, there is not a tarantula at my house." (32:10)
  • “If I saw someone in the grocery store missing a tooth, I’m going to 100% judge them.” (05:54)

• Jason:

  • “That was a bottom five.” (01:46)
  • “My memories watching Star Wars as a kid are better than current Star Wars or Marvel movies.” (16:28)
  • "There’s only one thing I could think of. It's just a big fart horn. That’s a good time." (40:23)

• Mike:

  • “Just a blood-curdling human scream.” (42:42)
  • “You will be crying all the time.” (17:48)
  • "I use [Fatality!] only after I hit a pedestrian." (49:34)

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Timestamps of Highlight Segments

• Garbage Disposal Scat Bit – 01:27–02:44
• Main Would You Rather (Tooth vs. Hair) – 03:32–11:28
• Disney Franchise Debate – 11:29–17:29
• Laugh/Cry Dilemma – 17:30–19:17
• Awkward Dinner Crying Story – 21:07–26:39
• Facing Fears to Save a Friend – 26:39–32:29
• Exponential Food Draft – 32:29–37:36
• Car Horn Sound Draft – 40:06–49:31
• Wrap-up/Lessons Learned – 49:43–50:33

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Tone & Style

• Classic Spitballers: fast-moving, irreverent, playful and self-deprecating.
• Inside jokes abound; mock advice; nerdy pop culture references; endearing dad humor.
• Every topic gets the “overthink it” Spitballers treatment.

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Perfect For:

• Fans of creative, improv-driven group comedy
• Listeners wanting family-friendly fun with genuine laughter
• Anyone who’s ever wanted to know the best sound to replace a car horn (hint: it’s not a real answer)

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Listen at: spitballerspod.com
New episodes every Monday!

Transcript

[Andy]

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[Andy]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason.

[Mike]

Got yourself good, huh? What was that? The fourth return? What? I don't like what happened.

[Jason]

No, no, no. I know exactly what that was. That was the newest model of the garbage disposal in my kitchen. That's what that sounded like.

[Andy]

High horsepower. You know what I mean? This thing's gonna awful.

[Jason]

That was a bottom five.

[Andy]

If you put glass down that sink, I'm gonna take it. No problem.

[Mike]

What were you doing?

[Andy]

So I had said, okay, this is what actually happened. I had said the last time I did a scat, that. Oh, because I started the Satchmo run

[Mike]

and you love doing them.

[Andy]

I just love the scat. And I said, you know, this is how I can get out of doing a scat. I'm never gonna do it again. Someone else is gonna do. I had Satchbo do my scat last time, right? So this time around, I was like, who. Who can I have to. This guy.

[Mike]

So who was that?

[Andy]

It started as Arnold.

[Mike]

Oh, Arnold.

[Andy]

It started only in my mind as Arnold. And then the reason failed to commit. I don't know, man. The reason I found it so funny at the end was because I have. I was. I was watching that from a distance. I was, you know, I was seeing that as a third party, and I did not.

[Jason]

And what was your review then? It was a third party.

[Andy]

A very pretty good garbage disposal.

[Jason]

It did sound a lot like a garbage disposal to me. Welcome into the Spitballers. Thank you. Thank you for joining us. Would you rather the situation room today? And we are drafting audio to Replace your car horn with later in the show. So that is today's draft that Jason gave one away. Jason just earned, you know, the right. Right to draft first.

[Andy]

There is a one on one in this draft, so a garbage disposal sound.

[Mike]

I don't. I don't know that.

[Jason]

I don't know if there is.

[Andy]

There is for me.

[Jason]

I know what it is for Jason. But we'll start here.

[Andy]

Would you rather.

[Jason]

And by the way, Al Borland, how would you rate Jason Scout over there? That's a two. That's not bad out of 100.

[Andy]

Okay, worse.

[Jason]

Would you rather. Heather wants to know, would you rather lose one of your two front teeth and not be allowed to replace it or have your hair look like George Costanza? So we're talking hair on the side, skull, it empty on top, and you're not allowed to wear a hat, which is more.

[Andy]

This is very, very easy. This is layup level. There's no debate choice 100%.

[Mike]

I feel like this is Andy v. Jason right now.

[Andy]

Oh, no, I'm not there, Mike.

[Mike]

Well, he's not there. He's not even there with the tooth either.

[Andy]

No, no.

[Jason]

Take the head off for a little. The whole segment.

[Mike]

Because it wasn't his front tooth. It was the. It was the other. Oh, there it is again.

[Andy]

All right, so we got a battle going on here.

[Jason]

I would choose the tooth.

[Andy]

Really?

[Jason]

Yes. I've come to learn, like, I can. Like, I can talk. I've learned, like, I can talk, like in a public situation where no one notices my tooth.

[Andy]

Is that why your voice is doing what it's doing right now?

[Jason]

Well, no, the voice would change a little bit. I just can cover it. I'm just saying you can't.

[Mike]

But you got to move it to the front tooth.

[Jason]

Oh, you're right. I'm not a front tooth.

[Mike]

No, you're a. Oh, you're a forward

[Andy]

tooth, but you're not one of the two parts incisor.

[Mike]

Anyone know dental?

[Andy]

I think that's right.

[Mike]

All right. Oh, Jason's on the back wall.

[Andy]

Oh, thanks. Thanks, friends. So here's my reasoning why you would definitely want to have the Costanza hair versus a missing tooth.

[Jason]

So you want that, too?

[Mike]

That photo's old.

[Jason]

Or you want that one over the tooth?

[Mike]

That was a while ago.

[Andy]

Yes. For those listening at home, a photo of me having a very bad hair experience getting out of a pool has been put up on our YouTube. Please feel free to visit.

[Jason]

Kind of reminds me, like, if you got.

[Andy]

And I had more hair, then if

[Mike]

you got that's what I'm getting at.

[Jason]

If you got like a. Like a turkey feather and you got it wet and you laid it on top of a head.

[Andy]

Yeah. So anyways.

[Mike]

All right, moving on.

[Andy]

But the thing is.

[Mike]

So it's easy for you?

[Andy]

Yes, it's a very easy decision. I see people with Costanza hair all the time. It's. It's just normal. That is a normal thing. You see, you go in the grocery store.

[Jason]

It is.

[Andy]

You might just run into someone with a Costanza. Now, usually they're older than we are, and that would feel maybe a little bit too old. But if I saw someone in the grocery store missing a tooth, I'm going to 100% judge them. I don't want to. I don't. I shouldn't.

[Jason]

They don't have to have their mouth open.

[Andy]

Yeah, they don't have to have their mouth open. But if I. If they ever talk to me.

[Jason]

Yeah. At that point, you're judged.

[Andy]

I'm going to see it, and I'm going to be like, okay, so lay off the soda.

[Jason]

It would help me not talk to anybody but my friends that know my situation, and they'd all say, that's a nice set of hair.

[Mike]

How long would you like, paper or plastic?

[Jason]

Plastic.

[Mike]

How long does the. For this question, how long does the

[Jason]

hair have to be on the sides?

[Mike]

Yeah. Because that.

[Jason]

It has to be long enough to be very obvious that it's hair from a distance.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

Because that matters.

[Jason]

A brush shoe where.

[Mike]

Like the fellers that have the horseshoe hair, but it, you know, it's tight.

[Jason]

A tight horseshoe's not as bad. I feel like.

[Mike]

Yeah, it's a guy who's balding.

[Jason]

Yeah. It's like you shaved your head and then you let it grow a little bit.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's a good point. The further out the sides grow, the worse it gets. Is there a point where it becomes cool? No. I've got long hair.

[Mike]

It turns into, like, Bozo the Clown.

[Jason]

That's like saying, is there a point where. Where it's cool to not have a front tooth? And it just.

[Andy]

What if I got no teeth?

[Jason]

It never becomes cool. And I've learned from knocking my front tooth out that it is the worst thing you can do for your appearance possible.

[Andy]

It's the most noticeable thing that anyone would ever see about a person.

[Jason]

So I still think I can hide it better. Like, I want my pride. I lose my pride if I'm walking around.

[Mike]

Yes. Because part of it is. Balding is just. It is a 100% natural thing that happens.

[Jason]

Phenomena.

[Mike]

Like, what's the percentage of men who, by the time they're like 50 year, they're essentially bald or really balding?

[Jason]

I mean, not by 50, but like, balding. Yeah. I would say percentage of men that are balding by 50. Let's take a guess.

[Andy]

Okay, I've got an answer.

[Jason]

Percentage of men balding by 50 is 50%.

[Mike]

I would go. I would go a little higher. I'll go 60.

[Andy]

This says up to 50% of men go bald by the time they're 50 years old.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

However, the up to part seems really stupid. Up to 50%?

[Mike]

Yeah. That's anywhere from zero to 50.

[Jason]

Once you're 60, it goes up to two thirds.

[Mike]

Okay. But the point being that this is just. This is a natural thing of life where getting your front tooth knocked out. Something.

[Andy]

Something happened.

[Mike]

Something happened. Poor hygiene, got in a fight, gingivitis.

[Andy]

I don't know.

[Jason]

What is the judgment when you see no tooth.

[Andy]

Stupid hillbilly. That's first thing you know.

[Jason]

There are people listening to this.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

They don't know how to operate the podcast. They're missing teeth. I'm in the clear. They are not hearing this.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

All right. All right.

[Andy]

That's the judgment, though.

[Jason]

As a man with the other side of this, would you rather on his horizon?

[Andy]

Yeah, no, I know it's coming.

[Jason]

I guess you can speak to it.

[Andy]

I'll be shaving my head this year.

[Jason]

It's this year.

[Andy]

Yeah, I think it's probably going to be this year.

[Jason]

Well, now, have you considered doing that? Like the low cut, but you still can tell where the pattern is.

[Andy]

Yeah, I think I'm going to. I think I'm going to try that. I'm going to buzz it down.

[Jason]

Yeah, let's see what that looks like.

[Andy]

See what it looks like and go from there. So I guess I should ask you

[Jason]

two before you go full glint, since,

[Andy]

you know, we run a massive media empire. How do you. How are you two gonna feel with, you know, one third of us now just having a new look, being bald?

[Jason]

Great.

[Mike]

Yeah, I'll feel great.

[Jason]

Doesn't bother me at all.

[Andy]

All right.

[Mike]

Also, I can't imagine you're not wearing a hat still.

[Andy]

That's probably true once you're bald.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Yeah. I mean, you tried it. You tried it once upon a time. It was a pretty. I think you objectively looked fine, but I think for us it was very stark because we're so used to. I mean, I've known you for 25 years.

[Andy]

Yeah. Anytime someone shaves their head, it looks. Or beard or any massive change. It's just like now if you shave your.

[Jason]

If you shave your head and your face all at the same time, like, you are just.

[Andy]

No, no. There's no amount.

[Mike]

I was going to ask.

[Jason]

You knew it. I was going to ask how much?

[Andy]

Give me a million dollars. This face needs a beard. You know, some people have a face for beards.

[Mike]

I'm still looking at pictures of George here, and it's.

[Jason]

He was so young, by the way. He was like 30.

[Mike]

I'm trying to express it without it sounding horrifically mean, but it's just going to sound mean. It's like, how is this the look that you're like, you're looking at it in the mirror and you're like, yeah, still got it.

[Jason]

It's not. It's just a. It happens. And then you're just like, this is what I got. That's what that is. That's not a choice.

[Mike]

Yeah, but. But I'm saying just take. Take it all off.

[Jason]

But I don't think that that looks good for everybody. A bald head does not look good for everybody.

[Mike]

True, but I know how many. I know how many people that the George Costanza looks good for.

[Jason]

Nobody.

[Mike]

And it's nobody. I mean, Costanza.

[Andy]

It's Costanza. He was a character.

[Jason]

All right, Mike, your final answer.

[Mike]

Not my tooth.

[Jason]

Okay. All right, let's go. Jason, from the website, you are offered a chance to be in an upcoming Disney film. Would you rather it be a Pixar, Marvel or Star wars movie?

[Mike]

So now we're talking. All right, now we're talking. I did glance at this. I saw this question that it may come up today, and it is unbelievably difficult.

[Andy]

So I feel like, isn't a Pixar

[Jason]

movie mean that you're a voice only?

[Andy]

That's the issue is that Pixar is the best. I think of these three, like, that Pixar is just. I mean, these are all great franchises, but, like, Pixar is amazing. But you're just a voice. Like when I.

[Mike]

You're not just a voice, you are

[Andy]

100% just a voice, you know, like, actually, yes, but I could put more into it. I could put character and passion.

[Jason]

You can become Woody with my voice,

[Mike]

but you become that character, and then that character lives on forever. Like, if you are in a Pixar hit, you're now in. You're in the parks, you're in Disneyland. Your character, like you play with you.

[Jason]

I mean, might as well, be a random person.

[Andy]

I mean, Chris Pratt is in Marvel and is in a massive Pixar movie. I don't even remember his character name.

[Mike]

I get that from Pixar. It could be because you can. Pixar has some clunkers out there that just. They vanish into the mist.

[Jason]

I think the answer for me personally, and I don't even like. I don't really like any of these that much, but I would choose Star Wars.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

Because of the fact that I think that's the funnest movie to shoot. So if you're going to be in one, I think it'd be the most fun to be in, like, a space, you know, Star wars adventure with a lightsaber and having, like, being part of the, you know, the canon. I mean, it's gotten watered down over the last five, ten years a little

[Mike]

bit, but we're on the way back.

[Jason]

But, I mean, there's a lot of bad Marvel movies and there's some super hits, so you don't want to be. What is it? What's the. It's not Black Widow, is it? That's not the one I'm thinking of. What's the. The Spider Man.

[Mike]

Oh, that was actually not Marvel.

[Jason]

Oh, it isn't.

[Mike]

The Madam Web. That's in the Sony universe.

[Andy]

That's the one with Angelina Jolie that flopped.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

Oh, the Eternals.

[Andy]

Yeah. That was supposed to be their next big thing. And it was like when that movie came out.

[Mike]

Yeah. The.

[Jason]

That one actor got an amazing shape.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

And then the movie flopped. And I felt so bad for him.

[Sponsor Voice]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Like, you got into shape, except he

[Mike]

was still super, yo.

[Andy]

That's. That's. That's what he got out of it.

[Jason]

Yeah, that's fair.

[Mike]

But so the way I'm looking at it is in Marvel or Star Wars, I think, like, your chance of it becoming a phenomenon, like, you're now one of the core pieces of it. I think it's low.

[Jason]

If you just made me a voice In Inside Out 2 of 1 of those emotions. That's not lore. That's not the hit. It's a good movie. But unless It's Toy Story 1 because Pixar was brand new.

[Andy]

Pixar's out.

[Jason]

I think it's out.

[Andy]

I gotta get. I gotta get some screen time.

[Jason]

Mike, which one lets you go to all the comic cons and stuff as yourself?

[Mike]

They all do.

[Andy]

Yeah, but what are you.

[Jason]

Oh, I'm the voice of sadness.

[Andy]

Wait, say something. I want to know who you are.

[Mike]

Are you going Pixar I'm still on. I don't know yet. I'm trying to work through it. I'm just saying, like, I think it is. I think there is still a chance of elevation, of becoming. It's not you, but it's not you if you're. If it's Marvel. I mean, it's your face, but it's not you.

[Andy]

Well, these are all characters.

[Mike]

Yes, that's what I'm saying. So that it's not just your. You're like, oh, it's just my voice. But no, you are so connected with the character. Like, Owen Wilson is Lightning McQueen.

[Andy]

Fair. Yeah.

[Jason]

There's a few.

[Mike]

There's a special hits. And now there's a freaking cars land in Disneyland.

[Jason]

Yeah, that's not on Wilson land.

[Mike]

No, but the. But the car drives around and it's got his voice.

[Andy]

Yeah, but that. Guardians of the Galaxy are there too. So, I mean, they're all. All of these have a chance and

[Jason]

there's a Star wars world there.

[Andy]

So I think for me.

[Mike]

But it's none of the movie stuff.

[Andy]

For me, when I look at these, like, Marvel has maybe Jump the Shark or at least they've just been struggling. But I have loved Marvel movies. I've watched, you know, when. When the Infinity wars finish came about, I rewatched the entire Marvel suite of movies in chronological order. Like, they're amazing and awesome, and I love superheroes. I've never, like. I enjoy Star Wars. I like them, and I think Pixar movies are elite, but I don't rewatch them. I don't love the other properties. I've got to go Marvel. And then if I was to say, like, if, you know, if you got a great role and you're one of the main superheroes.

[Mike]

Yeah. Now you're. Now you're paid.

[Jason]

It's definitely between those two for me. But I like. My memories of watching Star wars as a kid are better than current Star wars or Marvel movies. So that's what I'm gonna go with.

[Mike]

Did you get to watch Marvel movies as a kid?

[Jason]

They weren't. I mean, they weren't there. Yeah, but that. I'm just giving you my reasoning.

[Mike]

I'm gonna. I think it's tough, but I'm gonna land on. I think I'll be Marvel.

[Andy]

Yeah. You want that screen time?

[Mike]

No, I just. Yeah.

[Andy]

Like, you got a face for audio.

[Mike]

No, my face is beautiful and should be seen. So I just want you, like, I guess you want to be a superhero. No, it's a. Imagine you're You're. They reboot Wolverine and now you're Wolverine. Like, that would be. That would be the coolest of any outcome.

[Andy]

If you're a bit part. If you're a side character, a small character, Star wars is the way to go. Because some of those small characters still matter to the nerds.

[Mike]

They do.

[Jason]

Yeah. Unless you ended up as Jar Jar's voice, Trevor from the website. Would you rather laugh every time someone cries or cry every time someone laughs?

[Andy]

Oh, man.

[Jason]

I have to imagine. My instinct says right away, cry when someone laughs.

[Andy]

Yeah, because.

[Jason]

Because you're not offending them.

[Mike]

But you're gonna. You will be crying all the time.

[Andy]

Mike laughs a lot.

[Mike]

Yeah, I do.

[Jason]

So you're saying the inconvenience of crying all the time versus the embarrassment of being rude when someone else's.

[Andy]

When's the last time you watch someone

[Mike]

cry a grown up?

[Andy]

Well, this would be anybody.

[Mike]

No. I'm not sure.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

If it's your kids and you're laughing at your kids, that's fine.

[Andy]

That's true. They're crying.

[Jason]

They grow up within the last month.

[Mike]

Oh, okay.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

When's the last time you heard someone laugh?

[Jason]

Within the last minute.

[Mike]

Yeah, I'm taking the. I'm going with the ratio.

[Jason]

Stop me from being able to do a podcast because I'd be weeping.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Or I'd have to do really sad

[Mike]

podcasts, but then they funny.

[Jason]

So I could be a comedy.

[Mike]

Yeah, there's a niche for that.

[Andy]

It is funny because I'm with Andy, that right when you ask the question, you can't laugh when someone cries like that answer is out. But the frequency of laughter makes it almost impossible to take that side.

[Jason]

Hey, Jason, why aren't you coming to your grandmother's funeral? I just can't be there. Trust me, I'm gonna.

[Andy]

It's gonna be so hysterical.

[Mike]

Well, no, you'll have to laugh. It's going to be so sad.

[Jason]

I mean, you'll be sad, but you'll be laughing, right?

[Andy]

Yes.

[Jason]

Like, it doesn't change your emotions.

[Mike]

No, you'll change your behavior. You'll still feel sad.

[Andy]

I mean, can you just justify it as like a coping mechanism?

[Jason]

Yeah, I laugh to keep from crying.

[Mike]

Yeah, we laugh the pain away.

[Jason]

All right, let's take a break. Come back with the Situation.

[Andy]

Spitballers. If you have been on our health ride with us, you know how easy it can be to have a great, healthy, nutritious meal with factor and how difficult it can be on your own. I mean, the long day comes and hunger hits you and you don't have anything ready to go. It is so easy to pop in your fridge, take a factor out, pop it in the microwave and have a truly fully prepared meal designed by dietitians, crafted by chefs, delivered right to your door so you can hit your nutrition goals this season. Without planning, without grocery runs, without cooking. With over 100 rotating weekly meals, including globally inspired favorites like Mediterranean and Asian, there's always something new to look forward to. We have them here. Oftentimes we're skipping our other lunches around here to pop in a factor that is true. Me, Andy, Mike, we've got them in the fridge. We love a good factor meal. Great protein, great delicious. Head to FactorMeals.com Ballers50OFF and use the code Ballers50OFF to get 50% off and free daily greens per box with new subscription only while supplies last until September 27, 2026. See website for more details.

[Sponsor Voice]

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[Andy]

The Situation Room

[Jason]

Kevin from Patreon writes in says, you're at a restaurant with a friend and they're telling you a sad story and they're crying.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

And we're laughing.

[Jason]

Yeah. In the middle of the story, the waiter drops off your food. How long do you wait to start eating?

[Andy]

Yes, Yes.

[Jason]

I have an unfortunate story.

[Mike]

Oh no.

[Andy]

Let's go.

[Mike]

What?

[Jason]

I just inadvertently made my wife cry one time. Long, long ago. I didn't know that what I was going to say was going to make her cry. It was all like, now I have to tell the story because it's going to sound worse if I don't. But it was an awkward situation because we were at a restaurant where they were coming to check on the food and coming to check on drink refills. But she was in the middle of crying and they could tell. But then it was like we also needed refills. And this was like when she was pregnant with our first kid. And I shouldn't have brought up like some what if scenarios that happened related to the pregnancy. And I wasn't trying. I was trying to be helpful, but I didn't realize that sometimes you just don't bring things up because I was a doofus and I was trying to pragmatically deal with it and think through it. But she was a Pregnant woman with a baby in her stomach that was not wanting me. But I mean, it's been burned into my mind, that embarrassment of that situation. And it's also been brought up by my wife many times because she'll tell me about it. But it was like, I remember them coming, asking for drinks or bringing the food and the awkwardness of that situation and what to do.

[Mike]

Did you start eating?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I mean, well, you're hungry, right?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I mean, we're there to eat, we're there to eat, but in this situation. But it wasn't the exact same because it wasn't like the food wasn't there. And then it got brought. It was more like refilled and stuff like that. But I remember how awkward it felt to have somebody. If you're ever having a serious conversation at dinner, it doesn't have to be crying or a fight. It could be a serious conversation. It could be a political conversation. It could be whatever. If the waiter comes up right at the wrong time, that's weird.

[Andy]

It's awkward.

[Mike]

Let me ask you this. Does it matter if it's a hand food or a silverware food?

[Andy]

Let's go silverware. Because it's easier to hand food silverware.

[Jason]

Wait, that seems more awkward.

[Mike]

I think the hand food is a little bit more awkward.

[Andy]

Picking up my knife and fork is like, excuse me, I'm leaving. Oh, I'm like, okay, okay.

[Jason]

Oh, Like I'm leaving the conversation.

[Andy]

Yeah. I can sneak in.

[Jason]

Whereas you can sneak a fry in.

[Andy]

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. If I was listening and paying attention and locked eyes with you, I can grab something with my hands and maybe put it to my mouth.

[Jason]

I like the idea of you trying to not make it obvious you're chewing too. Like when she's looking down for a

[Andy]

minute, you're like, or cutting. Like if I got a steak. Grabbing my fork and knife and just trying. Oh, I'm so sorry. Like, you're not looking where you're cutting. Trying to keep that eye contact.

[Mike]

You put it in your teeth and instead of chewing, you're just kind of trying to grind.

[Jason]

You're gumming it.

[Mike]

Grind your teeth back and forth instead of chewing.

[Andy]

I think you.

[Jason]

You know what? Yeah, that is.

[Andy]

I think you have to wait until the crying is over. You can't.

[Mike]

What if it's a 15 minute crying?

[Jason]

Do they have to break the food ice? Like, do they have to be starting the food first?

[Andy]

I don't think they have to break the food. But you could give. I think you can give them a couple Pump fakes, like, you know, like.

[Jason]

Like showing them that you want to start.

[Andy]

Do you want it? You know, your. Your hands are just going towards there.

[Jason]

Can you say, do you need anything else? Is that a way to break in and maybe move it to food? Do you need anything else with that?

[Andy]

I feel like that's the waiter.

[Jason]

That's fair.

[Andy]

I've never done that.

[Jason]

Do you need a refill? No, I'm still a waiter.

[Andy]

Yeah. You gonna eat that?

[Mike]

Yeah. Yeah. There you go. Usually, like. Yeah, that's. That's rough.

[Andy]

Oh, that's.

[Mike]

This is the answer. How is your meal?

[Andy]

Why don't you. Hey, why don't you eat up? And you need something to eat, right? That's the ticket.

[Jason]

What? Tell them to eat. Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

Oh, no.

[Jason]

You'll feel better after with a full stomach.

[Mike]

Exactly.

[Andy]

They're upset. Hey, hey, hey. I'm so sorry this is going on. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Why don't you.

[Jason]

Yum, yum, yum.

[Andy]

Why don't you.

[Mike]

What have you eaten today?

[Andy]

Yeah, why don't you just have a bite?

[Jason]

Yeah, but you know what sad people normally say?

[Andy]

I'm not hungry.

[Jason]

I don't have an appetite right now.

[Mike]

Yeah, but once I have that, can

[Jason]

I have your appetite?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I mean, can you say anything about the temperature of the food?

[Andy]

Ooh, it's ready to eat. I don't think so.

[Mike]

My steak's really cooling down.

[Andy]

No, you can't see these things now.

[Jason]

Can you pay the waiter to come over and ask about the food?

[Andy]

Is there a problem with your food?

[Jason]

Have either of you been in one of these situations where you have to make the decision on how long to wait?

[Andy]

No.

[Jason]

I know you are Mike. I know you are not.

[Andy]

Mike would be eating right off the bat.

[Jason]

Yeah, because you're like, even if they bring your food out of order, like, not the foods together, you'd be eating.

[Mike]

Yeah, I can maintain the eye contact and pretend like I'm interested.

[Andy]

That is crying.

[Jason]

What if they say, please don't eat right now? This is very sad.

[Mike]

I'll say, eat what?

[Jason]

Like, don't keep eating or, like, don't eat?

[Andy]

Okay, I'm gonna wait until the crying is done, and I'm going to encourage them to eat to speed that process up. This is. This is. This. Look, this is about me. I'd wait forever, but you. You need to eat something. Oh, man.

[Jason]

Big Mike from Patreon writes in. Andy's in trouble. He's been locked in a room with the walls Closing in on him to squish him like a pancake. Actually, that was one of my nightmares. Every kid like a squished room. The room that. But the walls come closing it.

[Andy]

Indiana Jones, right?

[Mike]

It's more of the using the word squish like a pancake, but a little strange to me.

[Jason]

There's only one way for Andy to be saved. Either Mike or Jason has to conquer their fear. Mike has to get stung multiple times by a swarm of bees. Or Jason has to let a tarantula crawl on his body for one minute.

[Andy]

Dude, I'm getting that maple syrup out.

[Mike]

There's only one man in this scenario who can save Andy.

[Andy]

It is not going to be me, bro.

[Jason]

Once the task is completed, the doors stop closing and Andy is saved.

[Mike]

Andy.

[Jason]

Or my only hope is Mike and I.

[Mike]

At this point of my life, I think I could do it. I believe that Jason would say, toss me into the room. Just allow me to be.

[Andy]

Swap me out.

[Jason]

Just let me be squished.

[Andy]

Yeah, I'll take the squish.

[Mike]

Like, you know what I've traded. I'm a man of honor.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I let him live. Let me take his place.

[Jason]

No. Jason cannot conquer that fear. That fear is unconquerable.

[Andy]

The only way to conquer that fear would be full general anesthesia.

[Jason]

How small of a triangle could you handle now? For real? Like, let's say it's the.

[Andy]

Oh, my God. Let's say it's small, it's slow, and

[Jason]

it's smaller than your fingernail, your pinky nail. A little teeny baby tarantula crawling up your leg.

[Andy]

Oh, my God. I'm like, I can't even think about it. It really is real. Like, I can't even. I'm trying to.

[Mike]

What is it?

[Jason]

Describe the things of a tarantula that bother you. Is it the hairy legs?

[Andy]

The hair? The shape?

[Jason]

So if it was like a hairless

[Mike]

tarantula, is it the.

[Andy]

I would much rather like a daddy long legs.

[Mike]

Really?

[Andy]

Oh, no problem.

[Jason]

I find this to be very creepy if it was.

[Andy]

Let a daddy long legs crawl across your arm. There's a spider. There is something so many magnitudes worse about.

[Mike]

Because the body proportion to the legs.

[Andy]

The thick boys.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

The wolf spider. The tarantula. Like, are you.

[Mike]

Where are you at? Are there other insects that bother you?

[Andy]

No.

[Mike]

So it's the eight legs.

[Andy]

Well, it's not even just the eight legs because I believe a scorpion is an arachnid. I'm not afraid of scorpions. I'll go out. I'll Hunt scorpions.

[Mike]

But it's got tail, so it's almost like.

[Andy]

It's like nine.

[Mike]

It's like nine.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I also don't know how. I don't know how. Scorpion courageous you are. Like, how close will you get?

[Andy]

I've stepped on one. I've killed it with my boot. And I. When I see them.

[Jason]

That's not bad.

[Andy]

When I see them, like as I've had over the last decade, four or five times in my house, I've had a scorpion. When I see one, I go and I take care of it.

[Jason]

Is it possible you're misremembering what a tarantula looks like?

[Andy]

Oh, no.

[Jason]

Because you haven't seen one in a while.

[Andy]

Oh, no. I have this burned in behind them. Retinas. Put it this way.

[Mike]

Scorpions are way worse. I am.

[Jason]

For me. They are. Yeah. Tarantulas are nice.

[Andy]

Terrified every single day of my life. Yeah. One can hurt you and one can't.

[Mike]

One is an armored demon with like three weapons.

[Jason]

We were on a hike up in Prescott and a little slow. Tarantula's just walking along with us.

[Andy]

Oh, my sweet mercy. So this is. This is.

[Jason]

You ever seen the movie? Ain't like it freaks.

[Andy]

That doesn't bother me. Yeah, that doesn't bother me. I haven't seen the movie because why would I? But I saw the trailer and it doesn't bother me because it's a bunch of fake CGI looking giant monsters. You know, when I watch Harry Potter.

[Jason]

Oh, that doesn't bother you?

[Andy]

Not. Not really. These giant.

[Jason]

They're not giant spiders. Don't bother you, but little friendly ones.

[Mike]

Arachnophobia.

[Andy]

It's just real ones. Real ones. Arachnophobia.

[Mike]

That on okay?

[Andy]

Yeah. Yeah. But lately. And so this is every day. This is every day for me. We get what I'm about to say. We get like everyone in the world. A lot of Amazon packages. And they go right to the front porch and they put them in the corner of my front porch. My front porch is like a little square.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

And so they just hide it back around the corner and they put it.

[Jason]

Oh, I know. I like corners.

[Andy]

And I do too. My man. And I am. I can't even look when I pick the package up. Every single time like this last night I go out and there were three packages. I'm holding my breath, looking away. I'll grab the package, look away towards my door.

[Mike]

You ever shake it and like, kick the package?

[Andy]

Oh, when I pick it up, I'm gonna shake it for sure. On the way to the door, and then I put it inside, and I do not look at that box for a couple minutes. Like, that's.

[Jason]

You'd rather realize he probably needs to buy, like, a long stick for Amazon to move the packages away from the wall, but he can't get the package.

[Mike]

Well, there's also the irony of if it took a ride on the box and you put it down in the house and then you don't look at the box, then it's just free.

[Andy]

Is that the thought, Mike? Ignorance is on the.

[Jason]

He just nukes his Amazon packages and raid.

[Andy]

I mean, this is very, very, very, very clear. Like, if there is a tarantula at my house right now and I don't know about it, there is not a tarantula at my house.

[Mike]

Okay?

[Andy]

If there is a tarantula at my house and I know about it, I have a for sale sign going up.

[Jason]

So, Mike, you're willing to save me is the message here.

[Mike]

I could take a couple bee stings only to save a life, though.

[Jason]

And then you'll have to leap into the machine as well.

[Andy]

Well.

[Mike]

And when you start swelling up. Yeah, we know I will be allergic.

[Jason]

Do we have time for one more, Al, or do you want us to move on? Let's do one more. Do you have a favorite? I see a couple of them in the doc. Do you have one that you want to go with? Let's go with Andrew's or Dan's. Okay. Andrew says you have a new diet where you can only eat one food starting each Monday. You choose a starting daily allotment. That allotment doubles each day of the week until it resets on Monday. You must finish the doubled allotment each day.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

What food do you choose? And what is your starting daily allotment? That would be enough for your allotment on Sunday?

[Andy]

You said it doubles every day.

[Jason]

It doubles every day.

[Andy]

That's going to get out of control.

[Mike]

Do you know how exponential growth works?

[Jason]

So what is that? That's one becomes two. So that's on. Look, we're starting on Monday, right?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

So one on Monday. So if it's two on Tuesday, four on Wednesday, eight on Thursday, 16. Friday, 32. Saturday, 64. Sunday. I got to eat 64 or something on Sunday, so I'm ramping up.

[Andy]

So, like, day one is like a piece of cereal?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

No, I mean, I think you could do what a taquito.

[Mike]

You can't. You're not eating over a day.

[Andy]

I could eat 64. Okay, that's a good point. It's a whole day.

[Jason]

Yeah. You get the whole day. That's like. I mean, 15. 15, 15, 15 four times.

[Andy]

But that also means Monday, you're surviving on one taquito.

[Mike]

Correct?

[Andy]

Yep.

[Mike]

I don't think you could eat that many taquitos.

[Jason]

Okay, you can take taquitos. Obviously, I'm not half a hot dog. Get to 32 hot dogs on Sunday. Live on half a hot dog the first day. There's not a. This equation is not going to work. Where day one's going to be like a mm. That's a perfect amount of food. And day seven is going to be, like, perfect amount of food. Like, you have to pick something.

[Mike]

Well, no matter what, you're picking something, and you're going to be really hungry for the first few days.

[Jason]

A peanut.

[Andy]

I think. I think I've got it. So if you can only eat one food, for me, it's gonna be steak. I can eat that breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

[Jason]

So volume. You can volume steak. That's your thing.

[Andy]

No, it's not. No. I'm just saying, nutritionally, if this question was. Because part of this question is you only get one food.

[Jason]

That's fair.

[Andy]

And so that portion of the question I'm answering with steak would be the one food. I just. Look, I'm a carnivore now. Then it's a question of how much steak can I eat in a day? And I think.

[Jason]

And then go backwards.

[Andy]

Yeah, and then go backwards. I think I could eat 30 ounces of steak in a day. And so I think I did the math, which is half an ounce.

[Jason]

Half an ounce on day one, basically,

[Andy]

if I start with half an ounce, so that means, like.

[Jason]

Yeah, that's about right.

[Andy]

The first couple days is basically, like, almost. I'm fasting. You know what I mean? Yeah.

[Jason]

Half an ounce is. I mean, that's not a lot.

[Andy]

Oh, half an ounce is not a lot.

[Jason]

I'd rather eat. I'd rather have to eat a little too much on the last day. I think it's going to make the other days pretty good. You think you can go over 30? I think you could do it.

[Andy]

I could do it.

[Jason]

10 ounces for lunch, 10 ounces for breakfast, 10 ounces for dinner. That's not that bad if that's all you're eating.

[Andy]

I could throw a couple snackies in there, but I can't get to 64. So I can start with one ounce. One ounce is 64 ounces. I know I can't do that.

[Jason]

40 ounces on the last day. You can do that. 1212, 1236.

[Andy]

Okay, so like two thirds of an ounce.

[Jason]

I'm just trying to help you on day one. Maybe you're just fasting like you said.

[Andy]

I think I'm focused on water.

[Mike]

If you had to eat that small of a steak, Jay, would it be. Would you go single bite, or would you try to cut it into little pieces?

[Andy]

Little pieces. You do like a hot rock where you.

[Jason]

Hot rock? Oh, yeah, yeah. Where it's real thin.

[Andy]

Yeah. You shave.

[Mike]

Tell me about hot rock.

[Jason]

I've done it.

[Mike]

I don't know.

[Jason]

It's not that good, but go on.

[Mike]

You.

[Andy]

You sound like an idiot. Take that tooth out. Cause you look like you sound. Hot rock is amazing what you take. It sounds like hot pocket hot rock. You're gonna thinly slice the steak, and then you get a.

[Mike]

How thin are we talking here?

[Andy]

We're talking very thin.

[Mike]

If I hold it up, can I see through?

[Jason]

Like, you're setting it on a hot rock for 10 seconds.

[Andy]

Yeah. So then you cook it on this hot rock. You just lay it down.

[Jason]

It's a real neat way to charge people way too much.

[Andy]

You flip it over.

[Jason]

I don't know why he likes it.

[Mike]

Why does it have to be a rock?

[Andy]

Well, it's just an easy. Well, because they're not going to bring a grill to your table. You know what I mean? Like.

[Mike]

Right. But what if it was like, just a flat piece of metal?

[Andy]

I think the thing about the hot rock is it retains its heat. Like, unless they were bringing. Unless they were bringing you a device that was plugged in.

[Jason]

Yeah, that's a fair point.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I guess a rock holds energy. Yeah, good answer. Good answer. Funnest one by far. Ice cream. One scoop on Monday. You carry the rest out to.

[Sponsor Voice 2]

What?

[Jason]

I could do it.

[Andy]

You could do it. You could do it. You would die so soon.

[Jason]

64, though. 64 scoops.

[Andy]

64 years old is not a number you're going to see.

[Jason]

No, no, no. Mike, do you have a food you want to pick here before we move on?

[Mike]

I think I'm with Jason's logic over here to be.

[Jason]

Mike's going. Cigarettes, actually.

[Sponsor Voice 2]

Yeah.

[Jason]

One cigarette on Monday.

[Andy]

Eating them. Yeah.

[Mike]

The tobacco leaf is very nutritious.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah, no, that's.

[Andy]

That's.

[Jason]

You're going to live less long than I will. All right, we're back with the draft.

[Andy]

Oh, my God,

[Mike]

Andy. I think forgot he.

[Andy]

The Spitballers draft.

[Mike]

Was that. There was something on your screen there. I don't know how Much of that actually got caught by the camera.

[Jason]

I don't think anything got caught by the camera. That was a nightmare. Do we have the footage?

[Andy]

Yeah, we'll make it.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

Oh, my goodness.

[Jason]

So a long time ago, way before the last, we were in the middle of a conversation a long time ago, and we were talking about different spiders, and I just. I just said, here's what a tarantula. Here's what a tarantula looks like. And Jason just found it.

[Andy]

I obviously was not in that duck, and I just flipped over to it and I.

[Jason]

You scared the crap out of me, man.

[Andy]

Well, I thought you weren't expecting to just see a trash on my screen. What?

[Jason]

I broke the rules, man.

[Andy]

Can someone delete that out before I can ever go back to that channel?

[Jason]

I think it's hidden.

[Andy]

No, I did not say hide it. That is a per. That only hides it for you. Someone else deleted.

[Mike]

Can't see it anymore. All right, it's gone.

[Jason]

I got rid of it. You won't trust me, but I did.

[Andy]

Oh, my gosh.

[Sponsor Voice]

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[Jason]

Oh, man, that reaction was. That was something else. All right, we are drafting audio to replace your car horn with. So your car horn is gone. It's time to pick something new to replace it with. Jason, you get the first pick, and you are choosing a big old classic fart.

[Andy]

I mean, it's like when I was prepping for this show and I'm trying to think of anything, there was only one thing I could think of. It's just a big fart horn. That's a good time.

[Jason]

There are a lot of ways to go about this draft. At first I thought it was narrow, and it was just going to be comedic value. Then I started thinking about practical value mixed into it. What would I use the most versus what I would barely use?

[Andy]

Yeah, for sure. And a fart is all of it.

[Jason]

All of the above.

[Andy]

Yeah. You made a stinky move ahead of me.

[Jason]

Okay, so you're going fart. I knew you would go fart. You know, my first pick, I've got some things that I think will slip through the cracks.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

So my first pick. I just want it. I want the ayuga. When I said, is that a foghorn? No, that's not a foghorn. No, I want Ayuga. Yeah, that's what I want. I think that would be.

[Mike]

I don't know what it is. I. I literally have a tab up here where I was trying to figure out what that was and I'm like, sound effects.

[Andy]

Awooga.

[Jason]

Yeah, I don't.

[Andy]

From the mask. It's in the mask.

[Jason]

It's in the mask, but it's not from the mask.

[Mike]

It's from cartoons.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah. So I'm going. I'm going. Ayuga.

[Mike]

Yeah, that's. That's very good. All right, so I am up. I get my. I get two picks.

[Jason]

Two picks. All right, so swap that horn.

[Mike]

Yeah. So the first thing that I'm swapping it for, you are giving me the police.

[Andy]

Oh, no. That was the one I wanted the most. The police siren.

[Sponsor Voice 2]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Yeah, for sure.

[Mike]

Well, no, but I don't. I don't want. Pew.

[Andy]

I want. You're missing out, man. You could freak those people.

[Jason]

I'm with Mike. I think that's the better call.

[Andy]

Oh, no way, no way.

[Jason]

Because the full siren, I mean, it's too much. It's a lot. It's laying it on thick. It's going to annoy you.

[Andy]

I want to scare the tarnation out of the person in front of me. I want them to hear the sirens on and have them go, I'm getting pulled over.

[Mike]

Yeah, I think you can accomplish that with the.

[Jason]

Okay. I mean, I like to pick.

[Andy]

Yes, I like to pick.

[Jason]

That leaves you full siren, Jason, if you want it.

[Andy]

Oh, that's too similar.

[Mike]

And for my second.

[Jason]

What's your second one?

[Mike]

Yeah, just a blood curdling human scream.

[Jason]

Oh, just a full. Oh, okay. All right. Practical use.

[Mike]

Oh, it's gonna do the same thing as a horn.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Which does absolutely nothing. All a horn does is freak everybody out. And you start looking around going, who did what? Was it me? Was it you? The horn does. Other than a polite. You're at a red Light and a polite. Not being a freaking turd burglar laying on your horn just a little. Hey.

[Andy]

Beep beep.

[Mike]

Yeah, you didn't see it.

[Jason]

Which is hard. Some. Some cars. That's hard to do. It can be.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Yeah. And that's why my pick is going to be a clearing of your throat. Cough.

[Andy]

Oh, that's good.

[Jason]

Because that's going to be the. Huh. Like when you need to go. But I don't want to be that rude. But it's like.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Like you would do if you were in an actual line.

[Mike]

Uh huh.

[Jason]

But the person needs to move up.

[Andy]

Yeah. Excuse me. Excuse me. Oh, that'd be a good one.

[Mike]

All right.

[Andy]

I like that. I like that a lot. All right, so now I am up. I get two. I really wanted the police siren. That's whoop. Yep.

[Jason]

You can take it.

[Andy]

No, no, no, no.

[Jason]

You can go ambulance.

[Andy]

We're not gonna go. We're not gonna go that. That close.

[Mike]

Is there like, is there a different siren in the police car that is the whoop whoop or is that. Is it the siren and they're just

[Jason]

doing like starting it.

[Mike]

They're just doing a click on DJ move.

[Andy]

Like, like spinning the turntable a little

[Mike]

bit or just pushing a button.

[Andy]

I think that, I think they've got a turntable in there.

[Mike]

But does anyone know?

[Jason]

I. I imagine nowadays we don't know, maybe separate.

[Mike]

I don't know.

[Jason]

What is the woo woo for just cruising a neighborhood, like letting people know you're around.

[Mike]

It's the you're in. You're in trouble. But we're not going to turn the full sirens on.

[Jason]

Oh, like pull over.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah. That's a get out of the way. Which makes more sense to be a horn. And I totally understand why you'd go with the boop boop.

[Jason]

Imagine if it was an iOOGA.

[Andy]

But man, just making someone think that the police are right behind them. If you need to honk, that's what I want. I want them to know they're in trouble.

[Jason]

They're never going to think you right away.

[Andy]

They've got foul. And so I am going to take a referee whistle. Okay. I'm calling penalty.

[Jason]

Oh, you're bringing them back to like when they were crossing the street as a kid.

[Andy]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jason]

They're crossing guard. Nice. That was a very good whistle.

[Andy]

Thank you. I brought it with me. So that is one. And I've got one more here. I'm going to go. Mike took the woman's scream. I'm going with A louder scream. I'm going with a screaming goat. The goat scream just.

[Jason]

And what does that sound like?

[Andy]

That's basically what it sounds like.

[Mike]

I think that was. That was a human scream. That's what I said.

[Jason]

It's hard.

[Andy]

I'm not a goat, so I'm not a cat. Your Honor, forgive me for not doing a perfect goat.

[Jason]

Can you do a goat scream?

[Mike]

Mike, I already did it. I'll blow up my voice if I go again. But goat scream was on my list.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Mike]

I just prefer the.

[Jason]

So that's your second pick or your third pick?

[Andy]

That was my third second of this round.

[Jason]

What?

[Andy]

That. I picked two in a row. That was my second one there. But I started with fart.

[Mike]

The ref whistle. Remember? Remember when.

[Andy]

Why are you so.

[Jason]

Oh, the ref whistle. Well, because I'm looking at the doc and it's not in there. And I didn't know if you had one more to pick. No, I didn't want to do the old. Say it too soon and all of a sudden you take it. All right, well, sirens seem popular. Getting people's attention seems popular. So we need an old fashioned World War II air raid siren. Oh, we need you to wonder, are the bombs dropping? So we'll go. Air raid siren.

[Mike]

It's going to take a while. That thing's got to warm up.

[Jason]

Maybe it's. I mean, that's the same thing they use for like a tornado too, basically, right?

[Andy]

I mean, if you're a driver and you hear that, you're looking around.

[Mike]

I'm looking up.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Jason]

You look up, they're dropping. That's the key to driving safe. Look up. And then the last one. I want a laugh track. Oh, I think I want a laugh track because I think I want to use that.

[Mike]

It's not your turn.

[Andy]

Oh, my gosh. No, it's not. I was wondering how he was picking two in a row here. Oh, man, that's.

[Mike]

Unfortunately, no, I will not be taking laugh track.

[Jason]

Yeah, me neither. How did I do that?

[Mike]

I was talking.

[Andy]

I know.

[Jason]

I got all discombobulated.

[Andy]

I. I was so confused. When he's taking it, I was like. I wasn't. I knew what he was doing. Well, I just thought. I was like, did I do something wrong? Did I do something wrong? Take it. Two in a row. If he gets two in a row

[Jason]

here, all thrown off. All right, I took an air raid siren. That's all I took. Yes, Mike, you get five picks.

[Mike]

All right. My first pick. I'm going to give me the star wars laser sound. So the laser gun, like the. Okay, so I like.

[Jason]

They're getting shot at.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Mike]

Well, more of just a. That would be just for fun. And then with my last pick,

[Andy]

you

[Mike]

guys know, in the game Mortal Kombat at the end.

[Andy]

Finish him.

[Mike]

No, no, no, no. It's very, very close. No, it's just. It's just fatality.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Jason]

Oh, that's frightening. That's a little bit scary.

[Mike]

So it's going to have some options.

[Jason]

That was a deep. A deep cut. Get this. I'm gonna go with the laugh track.

[Sponsor Voice]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Like from one of those old sitcoms. Because I see stupid stuff and I want something I can use all the time that's not necessarily an air raid siren sending you to your. Like a bunker. I want something that I can just hit if I see somebody walking on the street and they look funny. Laugh track.

[Andy]

That makes sense. All right, so I've got the final pick of this draft. I've got a lot of different options on the list here, but I think there's one that I'm surprised didn't get drafted already. It's a very practical use. It's really just upgrading the horn. It's going from a boring car horn to a fun DJ air horn. So the party. The party mobile is coming.

[Mike]

You are starting the party.

[Jason]

You would be so obnoxious with that horn. You'd get to work and I think you wouldn't come in for an hour.

[Andy]

No, I think you would let you know. I would want you to come out and greet me. And then you would. I would you until you greet me.

[Jason]

I like it. It's a good one. So, Jason, a fart, a referee whistle, a goat scream, a DJ air horn. I've got the Ayuga horn, the throat clear, the air raid siren and a laugh track. Mike, you've got the police, the blood curdling human scream.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

A Star wars laser sound and a Mortal Kombat fatality.

[Andy]

Fatality. I use that only after I hit a pedestrian.

[Jason]

Yeah, that one frightened me just a little bit.

[Andy]

What did we learn today?

[Jason]

That is not my turn. It wasn't my turn. I learned that it wasn't my turn.

[Andy]

I learned that 25% more people bald from the age of 50 to 60. It goes from 50% to 66% in

[Jason]

that decade to hold on and you'll have some company.

[Mike]

And I learned that just the.

[Jason]

What?

[Andy]

Oh.

[Mike]

Oh, sorry. What I learned was that just the George Costanza is. It's good for nobody.

[Jason]

Yeah. I mean honestly based on the numbers that we learn, Mike or I will join you.

[Mike]

You gotta count these snakes in the back.

[Andy]

I also learned my way that Andy is willing to post pictures of tarantulas.

[Mike]

Thanks for tuning in everyone to see

[Andy]

what other nonsense the guys are up to. Check out spitballerspod.com.

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