Cold Farts & Things To Do In The Snow - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Summary

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Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: Cold Farts & Things To Do In The Snow - Spit Hits!
Date: July 27, 2026
Hosts: Andy and Jason (Mike out sick)

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Episode Overview

This episode features just Andy and Jason holding down the fort as Mike is out sick. The duo delivers a classic, fast-paced session of absurd hypotheticals, life advice you (definitely) shouldn’t take, and their signature holiday-themed draft. With "snow" as their muse, they riff on all the things they'd do if they actually experienced a proper winter, and also debate (to great lengths) the scientific and philosophical mysteries around snow, cold farts, and more. If you’re here for comedic banter, dad jokes, and slightly scientific nonsense, you’re in the right place.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Holiday Two-Man Show / Digestive Decisions

• Jason confesses poor digestive choices before the episode: "My tum tum feels like it needs more room, but doesn't have more room." (02:40)
• On new diets: Jason notes that the cleaner he eats, the less his body tolerates unhealthy food. Andy concludes, “That’s probably good.” (03:46)

2. Would You Rather (06:15+)

A. Holiday Awkwardness

• Would you rather:
  • Hold mistletoe over a stranger while winking?
  • Or sit on their lap and share your wish list?
• Andy: "I'm not sitting on somebody. It’s one of my rules of life." (07:14)
• Jason: “Once you make physical contact, it’s a whole nother level.” (07:18)
• Group agrees: Better to be awkward than invasive.

B. The Difficulties of Adult Gift-Giving

• The group laments adult gifting.
  • Jason: “Anything that is cheap enough that I would ask somebody else to buy it for me, I've already bought.” (09:36)
  • Andy: “I gave you $10 so you can give him $10 so he can give you $10...” (10:16)
• Best gifts are sentimental, small—Jason’s dad loves watermelon Jolly Ranchers. (11:05)

C. Absurd Housework Choices

• Would you rather:
  • Mop your floors via bum-shuffling on a rag
  • Or clean every toilet with your barefoot and a rag?
• Jason is horrified at the thought of foot-in-toilet: “I don't think I could stick my foot in a toilet.” (12:51)
• Discussion devolves into details about skin as an "orifice" and what counts as real exposure. (13:10)
• Andy: “You don't have foot orifices, right?” (13:09)

D. Aging Dilemma (15:38+)

• Would you rather:
  • Age at half speed and live double lifespan
  • Or age normally to 30, then stop aging but die at normal lifespan
• Jason wrestles: “The difference between 30 and 40… 40 sucks.” (17:50)
• Andy boils it down: “It’s all about quality, quantity, right?” (20:29)
• Both explore end-of-life decisions, “Are you a machine guy?” (20:42)

3. Jason Explains: Quantum Computing (22:34)

• Andy sets up a “Jason explains” segment.
• Jason’s attempt: “Think of it more like a three-dimensional block where you could decide between multiple things at the same time... And now Google is saying it’s proven the multiverse exists…” (23:20)
• Andy: “Ant Man is real. That’s what you’re saying?” (23:43)
• Jason admits, “I’m not [this educated]. I made it all up.” (24:09)

4. That’s a Great Question (26:07+)

A. Is an Open Door On or Off?

• Deep dive into semantics.
• Andy: “If you could turn the door on, like if you were in a room… You hit on, you would freely walk through knowing it's open.” (27:41)
• Consensus: "On" is open, "off" is closed. (28:08)

B. Farting in Oatmeal (& Cold Farting)

• Simon asks: What happens if you fart in a tub of oatmeal?
• Jason: “I've been cold plunging.... Pro tip, do not fart. It's so unbelievably cold... cold farting is a problem.” (28:39)
• Andy, with real curiosity: “Would [a fart] bubble to the top and release, or would it be eternally trapped?” (29:58)
• Jason’s analysis: “You can hide a fart under oatmeal, but you can't hide a thousand farts under oatmeal.” (30:44)

C. Restaurant Birthday Etiquette

• Should you sing, clap, or ignore a stranger's birthday celebration at another table?
• Jason: “If they brought their team of all the waiters... I’ll clap.” (32:11)
• Three birthdays in one meal? "I'm in the wrong spot if I’m not here for my birthday.” (32:22)
• Interesting experiment: If you get up and walk out during the song, do they follow you? (34:23)

D. Vampire vs. Zombie Logic

• If a vampire bites a zombie, which do they become?
• Andy investigates: “If I'm a regular person and a zombie’s over there and I walk over and bite the zombie... Do I become a zombie?” (37:03)
• Josh (producer): “They're both undead. They're not alive, so they’re not affected by the other’s disease.” (36:32)
• If anything, the zombie would become a vampire zombie, not vice versa, but it’s mostly settled with nerdy pride. (38:00)

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The Spitballers Draft: Best Things To Do In The Snow (39:42+)

- Hosts admit to being Arizona natives who long for snow — most snow experiences are “dreams.”

- Draft is a mix of personal experiences and snow fantasies.

Draft Picks

Andy’s Picks:

1. Snowball Fight — “It’s competitive, and I’m going to pick something competitive.” (41:42)
2. Sledding — “Even when you’re older, you can go grab a sled and go sledding.” (45:07)
3. Ice Skating — “I will go ice skating as the picturesque, fun thing to do in the snow.” (46:24)
4. Ice Fishing — “That sounds great. I love sitting, dude.” (52:08)
5. Trying to Build an Igloo — “I want to learn what in the world is an actual igloo.” (53:18)

Jason’s Picks:

1. Build a Snowman — “It’s like the default first thing I do.” (43:34)
2. Peeing in the Snow — “It's one of the worst things about being named Bartholomew… never get that whole name out." (44:24)
3. Skiing — (49:11)
4. Snowmobiling — “I want to ride on a snowmobile.” (51:24)
5. Dog Sledding (Mushing) — “I take dog sledding. That name sucks. Mushing.” (56:53)

Honorable Mentions & “Mistakes”

• Tubing — Considered but swapped out for dog sledding (55:06).
• Snow Angels — Both forgot to draft it, but decide lying in snow isn’t that fun (55:39).
• Snow day mistakes: Not having waterproof gloves; kids get hypothermia instantly. (56:08)

Draft Banter Highlights

• Jason: “I could make three big snowballs… that is easy to do, but building a snowman is kind of like the first thing I do.” (43:37)
• On peeing in snow, Andy: “As a man, that feels like one of the true privileges I have.” (44:47)
• Jason on ice skating: “I hate, hate, hate it. And that’s the reason… because I am bad, bad, bad at it.” (47:13)
• The “sled vs. tube” bickering: “Your bum is in the hole of the tube and exposed to, like, rocks.” (58:02)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Jason (on aging): “The difference between 30 and 40… 40 sucks.” (17:50)
• Andy (on gift-giving): “I gave you $10 so you can give him $10 so he can give you $10...” (10:16)
• Jason (on cold farts): “Cold farting is a problem… those cold bubbles come up…” (29:18)
• Andy (on “on” vs “off” door): “If you could turn the door on... You would freely walk through, knowing it's open.” (27:41)
• Andy (on snow privileges): “As a man, that feels like one of the true privileges I have.” (44:47)
• Jason (on bum-shuffling): “Getting a workout, getting a good ab workout, like the guy who bear crawled a marathon.” (15:28)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Digestive Tribulations / Holiday Banter: 02:30–05:00
• Would You Rather: 06:15–19:30
  • Mistletoe/lap (06:15)
  • Gift-giving (09:08)
  • Bum-shuffling vs. toilet cleaning (11:41)
  • Aging dilemma (15:38)
• End-of-life / Machines Discussion: 20:29–21:36
• Jason Explains Quantum Computing: 22:34–24:09
• That’s a Great Question: 26:07–39:08
  • Door on/off (26:21)
  • Farting in Oatmeal/Cold Plunge Fart (28:39)
  • Birthday at Restaurants (31:39)
  • Zombie vs. Vampire (36:01)
• The Snow Draft: 39:42–59:00
  • Draft picks and discussion (41:42+)
  • Snow day gear mistakes (56:08)
• What Did We Learn: 57:30

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"What Did We Learn Today?" (57:32+)

• Jason: “I learned what an igloo was. I didn’t know for sure.”
• Andy: “I learned what bum shuffling is when it comes to cleaning your house and I am not going that direction.”

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Summary

This episode was a high-spirited two-man affair full of personal anecdotes, playful debates, and comic hypotheticals. The main event—the draft of “Best Things To Do In The Snow”—exposes just how little Andy and Jason, as Arizona natives, actually know about real snow, but doesn’t stop them from fantasizing about snowball fights, ice fishing, snowmobiling, and (of course) the eternal privilege of peeing their names in fresh powder. Blending genuinely funny banter, pseudo-science, and the occasional nugget of wisdom, the Spitballers deliver a family-friendly comedy episode perfect for kickstarting your own holiday cheer.

Transcript

[Commercial Narrator]

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[Bartholomew (Bart)]

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[Podcast Announcer]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitball Ballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

That's a letdown. That was a letdown. I'm gonna be straight honest.

[Andy]

I, I, I wanted, it was too reserved.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I wanted to see where it would go because it felt like it was building to somewhere.

[Andy]

And then I ran out of time.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

You ran out of time or breath or.

[Andy]

Yeah, it was just like the scale went as far as it could go.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

He's getting a zero over here.

[Andy]

No, that's fine. Of course, the Falcon. That was about failing. I don't know if it was that bad.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

How my heart felt.

[Andy]

Welcome into the Spitballers. We have a show for you today, episode 311. Mike is out sick today, but Jason and I, we did not want to leave you for the holiday break without a new episode of the Spitballer.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

So it is our not only that, but this is for science.

[Andy]

It's for science. The very first to the first person

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

spit and maybe the last. We'll find out whether we can two man spit.

[Andy]

I'm not encouraged by the fact that you are proceeding the recording of this show with digestive decision making that may leave you hoping for energy.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I have no energy. I am already hoping my bubble guts are here. My tum tum feels like it needs more room, but doesn't have more room.

[Andy]

You have eaten your way to better health over the past, I'd say, what, four or five months, six Months. Six months. Sorry, seven months. But, I mean, you had been very used to maybe a slightly less disciplined diet. Now that if you have a meal here, there. Now are you getting. Is it hitting differently?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, I used to be able to eat anything and have. No, this is really. If I can do a PSA for all the unhealthy people out there. Never change.

[Al]

Right.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I mean, I could eat any fast food, and I would look at you and Mike, you'd be like, oh, that'll wreck me. I'm like, nothing wrecks me.

[Andy]

But now it wrecks you.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah. Now my body's like, what in the crap was that? Not prepared for this.

[Andy]

That's probably good.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah, it's a really good thing. It's a good thing. My body's like, I don't like that. I don't want that. But the heart wants what the heart wants.

[Andy]

Well, and you were taking your father out to lunch? Yeah. One thing led to a Mongolian beef plate.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Oh, man. Oh, did you get the lunch portion at least? No, I didn't get the lunch portion. Andy, we didn't ask that. They serve entree portion all day.

[Andy]

Oh, no.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah.

[Andy]

You didn't get any appetizers or sides?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I did not. Not get any appet. I had pork pot stickers.

[Andy]

Okay, well, look.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

And I didn't split them evenly with my father.

[Andy]

You didn't.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

They were so good.

[Andy]

You ate most of them.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah, I kept going. I kept doing the thing. This was two pot stickers left.

[Andy]

Gonna eat that.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I didn't do the gonna eat that.

[Andy]

You just took it.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I had the thought of, like, oh, I should ask or see how many he's at. I'm like, these are good. I'm just gonna grab it.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

And then I ate it. And then there's the one left, and I just went, I'm grabbing.

[Andy]

I'm gonna eat the whole thing.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

It felt like the burger sketch. I'm like, I'm not gonna ask permission or forgiveness.

[Andy]

He could always order more.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah, I'm just gonna eat those. Cause they were. I'm eat these.

[Andy]

All right, we have. Would you rather we have a. Jason explains that I just told him about on the show. He doesn't know what it's about, but he knows that I explained many things.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I already know how to explain it. I don't know what the topic is, but I know I can explain it.

[Andy]

It's something you'll know very well. But sl. Well, than metal. You know, metal a little.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I mean, I don't know anything else as well as metal.

[Andy]

Right? That's a great question on the show. And then with the holiday season, we are drafting the best things to do in the snow, something we have.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

So if you want expertise on things you can do in the snow during, you know, the holiday season, you've come to the right place. Because I have been in the snow before a few times.

[Andy]

Right. You know, everything that should have been

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

the Jason Explains, our Arizona Native podcast here is pretty much high level experts on things like snow, hockey, cold weather.

[Andy]

Yeah. These are things that you grew up.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah, I just know. I know all of it.

[Andy]

All right, well, let's kick it off, Jay. Let's see how we do on. Would you rather,

[Podcast Announcer]

Would you rather.

[Andy]

All right, Jason, Ellie from the website has a very important question for us. Would you rather hold mistletoe over the head of a stranger while winking at them?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Oh, that's fun.

[Andy]

Or sit on the lap of a stranger while telling them your wish list? What? Okay, so this is a, this whole question is messing with me.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

All right.

[Andy]

Because like, one of these you could do to a stranger and they wouldn't know. Like, they'd eventually notice, but it would be like a gag. You'd look awkward and stupid and dumb in the mistletoe one.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I mean, they would know. They would know right away you're not going up behind them and like I imagine you would. Well, but it says you're winking at them.

[Andy]

Well, that's the. Yeah, but I mean, how do you sit on somebody's lap? You don't even ask. Is that Al, will you explain the situation here for me?

[Al]

Yeah, you're, you're at the food court in the mall and you're either walking up to a stranger and putting this mistletoe above their head and winking, or you're just going to go sit in their lap and start selling them your wish list.

[Andy]

I'm not sitting on somebody, so I'm not sitting on somebody. It's one of my rules of life.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I have a constitution about me that I could easily do either one of these things. I don't think, I don't think I would. I don't think I would have a problem if it was for a fun joke, you know, like a hidden TV show type of thing. I could go sit on someone's lap, no problem, and I could probably get away with it. No, I understand. Once you make physical contact, it's a whole nother level, though. Like these are not fair comparisons. Going up to someone with a mistletoe and being like, wink, wink, wink, wink. That doesn't. You're not necessarily invading someone the way that sitting on their. What would you do?

[Andy]

Put yourself in the opposite situation? Both of these things are happening to you.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Okay.

[Andy]

How do you react to each one of them? Honestly?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Who's doing it? You know what I mean?

[Andy]

Who's sitting on your lap?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Who's sitting on my lap? I mean, that's going to make a pretty big difference.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I mean, some stranger like Al Borland comes up and sits on my lap. That's going to be. That's going to be a little rough.

[Andy]

Do they have, like a really big rolled up Christmas list? Is this an obvious Christmas thing?

[Al]

You just sit down and start telling them what you want.

[Andy]

I want for a man.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Well, that's kind of insulting now, because Santa's fat. There's no other way.

[Podcast Announcer]

Oh.

[Andy]

So they assume you're saying, yeah, like,

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

wait, you thought I was Santa?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I mean, I got a beard and it's getting some grays and I'm fat.

[Andy]

Are you Santa? I want a big new bicycle. No, I. Look, the mistletoe is the answer.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

What do you want for Christmas?

[Andy]

I never know.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I never know.

[Andy]

Now. People ask all the time, and I have no idea. But I know people like to buy gifts for people, so I have to figure it out because they get mad at me and I don't really think about it that way.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

It's hard as an adult because when you want something, you have the capability to get that thing right. Unless it's this crazy expensive, you know, it's like, oh, I want that car. You can't just go out and get yourself that car. But if you. If there's like, generally speaking, you know,

[Andy]

you want caviar, you get caviar.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I'm just saying, like, what about the deucers? Do you guys have this problem where, like, you just buy yourself what you want and you don't have a bunch of leftover stuff?

[Al]

I definitely do.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah.

[Al]

Anything that is cheap enough that I would ask somebody else to buy it

[Andy]

for me, I've already bought. That's what it is.

[Al]

If it's too expensive for me to buy it, I'm not gonna ask you to buy it either. That's it.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

That's it. That is the real. Because it's like, yeah, you want to know what I want? I want like $1,000 chef knife. You know what I'm never going to ask you for? Yeah, $1,000 chef knife. That's absurd.

[Andy]

No, I agree. And when people try to give you end up given some idea of something you don't really want or really need. And it's just nothing has hit me more this year than the kind of just the oddity of the gift giving consumerism. I know. I don't want to get too deep on spin.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

No, let's get deep.

[Andy]

That's not the point of the two man show is a deep analysis. But it's all just, I gave you $10 so you can give him $10 so he can give you $10 that you can give me $10 so that

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

we can all keeping that economy alive.

[Andy]

There are the times that I've enjoyed it have been times. I'm definitely not asking somebody what they want ever. It's something that I think about during the year. I see something and I go, you know what? That would, they would love that thing. It's got more sentimental value than it is getting them a Best buy gift card or something. It's some, you know, it could be not a lot of money, but it's something I know is special to you.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

It feels so good when you have that thing. When you're like, oh, I thought of this thing.

[Andy]

You know what my dad's favorite thing like that is? It's watermelon Jolly ranchers that cost nothing. That's his favorite gift in the world.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Well, that makes it easy just because

[Andy]

it was his favorite candy growing up. So if you get him those all the time, that's his favorite part of the gift. That's the type of thing that's like, okay, cool, you got something I couldn't get myself or. Or don't think about getting myself.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

The opposite is equally sucky when you've got someone that you don't know what to get for them and you don't have any like nice sentimental meaning. So now I'm just like strolling through a target. Just like, where's your gifts? Yeah, I'm looking like, what will be okay? Yeah, I don't want this thing. They don't want this thing. They're going to open it and be disappointed. But I'm going to purchase it.

[Al]

Yeah.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

And then I'm going to give it. And then eventually it's going in the garbage. Or good.

[Andy]

Oh yeah. Or re gifted. Alex from Patreon. Would you rather mop your floors by sitting on a rag and bum shuffling to scrub all of them? Okay, I could picture that.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I think that word illustrates itself.

[Andy]

Or use your bare foot and a rag to clean all your toilets.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

So mop your Floors by sitting on a rag and basically cleaning it with your bum or cleaning your toilets with your foot barefoot.

[Andy]

I think it's that one, dude.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

But you can't. You can't choose that one. It's got to go in the water. You can't clean a toilet without going deep in the bowl.

[Andy]

No, I agree, but I'm just saying it's my foot. I mean, it's just. At least it's my foot. The other one is going to be exhausting. They said, hey, you're sitting on a rag. Do you know how many years this will take? If you told me to do one straight line bum shuffling across the floor, sure.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Well, this is a toilet. Wait, no, it's all your toilets. Hmm. Okay. I was gonna make it like a small area of your house.

[Andy]

I just feel like I'd just commit the foot to disaster and then clean it afterwards.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I don't think I could do it, man. I don't think I could stick my foot in a toilet. I know. The water is like, it's clean, right?

[Andy]

Well, not completely well, but it's a dirty bowl full of mostly clean water that's taken some germs from the sides.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah, exactly.

[Andy]

Your foot would be fine.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

It's a mental thing.

[Andy]

You don't have foot orifices, Right?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Of course. You skin is an orifice. Your epidermis can take things in through the skin.

[Andy]

Why are you nodding, Al? That's not what I mean by orifice. Otherwise, that word has no meaning. Right. Because it's used to describe holes on the body.

[Al]

I was just nodding and I was impressed with Jason's knowledge.

[Andy]

I don't know if his knowledge is knowledge.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

The point here is, I mean, when you're talking about no orifices. This is germs of bacteria. Absolutely. Germs of bacteria.

[Andy]

The description of an or I said define is skin. An orifice? Yes. The skin contains orifices which are the openings in the body that allow for the input or output. So pores technically would be tiny openings. Yes, but not what I meant.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Well, that's what I meant. Anyways.

[Andy]

Do you have any other holes on your feet?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Not that I know of. Just the pores that are not going into the toilet. Even if I think, and this might be stupid, I mean, it is stupid, but I think if it was a brand new, never before used toilet and you hook it up and you fill it up with the water from the toilet line, like, I can't imagine sticking my hand in that. I can't even.

[Andy]

I'd be totally fine. I'd be fine with that.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I wouldn't. It's a mental.

[Andy]

Because that's where poopy belongs.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

That's where poopy pee pee goes. And putting my hand in there, I think that would like scar me.

[Andy]

If you could wear a sock while you did the cleaning. Is that better or worse?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

That's worse.

[Andy]

Okay, but you have a. There's a separation between the actual scrubby area.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Well, I mean, I assume, I guess

[Andy]

you're using the rag.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I assume I'm. Yeah, I'm using my foot, but I'm not like.

[Andy]

What's your dexterity?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Scraping it off with my toes. Oh, my feet are super dexterous. Yes, dexterous.

[Andy]

So you could grab the rag, move the rag, turn the wrap.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I'll throw a baseball, brother. I got them big long toes and okay, no more. I basically got four hands.

[Andy]

Okay, okay. You do your pull ups, but upside down.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

That's right.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

My legs are way stronger. I can't do one pull up with my arms. But you could do no problem the other way.

[Andy]

So are we. You're telling me you want to bum shuffle because I think you're getting tired, man.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Oh, I am getting tired. But you know what else? I'm getting a workout. Getting a good ab workout like the guy who bear crawled a marathon.

[Andy]

Okay, you're bum shuffling. I am going to do the toilet cleaning. But Danny from Patreon wants to know, would you rather age at half speed so it'd be one year every two calendar years, et cetera, and live to twice your normal expected lifespan?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Or so that's compounding then. So like Instead of living to eight speed, I live to 160 and each.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's a way of saying that your body's progression of aging is slower. So that's great. Or, or age normally until you're 30, then stop aging completely. But diet, your normal expected lifespan. So normal till thirty, your thirty year old body and then you're good at that thirty year old body till let's call it eighty years old.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

That's a great question. Yeah, let's say eighty.

[Andy]

Yeah, let's say you're dead. Another one's one hundred and sixty.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah, one hundred and sixty. Slow progression and you get to, you get to have a slower progression. Now keep this in mind. Let's say, you know, 30 years from now. 40 years from now is when I would live on the normal timeline. I'm 40. I would die at 80 if 50 years from now. There is incredible, incredible breakthroughs on Science, medicine and things to keep me feeling, you know, even better, healthier, stronger. I miss out on that. If I take the normal, you know, the stop aging but die.

[Andy]

Yeah. You're saying you could end up hitting those things if you take the normal.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah, I'm saying if I, if I go with the half speed aging and I actually end up getting an additional, additional 80 years of human existence. You know what I mean? Like the progression of humanity, almost another century.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I get to see so much more. And some of those things are going to help me to not feel like I'm.

[Andy]

They'll at least help you feel better when you are old.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Exactly.

[Andy]

Yeah. It's barely worth saying but like if you. Yeah, okay. I don't know which one.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

That being said, that being said, the difference between 30 and 40, if you haven't experienced it yet, that's a big deal. 40 sucks. I'm just throwing that beyond for size yet I haven't, I'm hoping to avoid it. Want to push that back. So there is something to aging normally till 30 and then stop it, I imagine.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's tough because if you living

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

50 years as a 30 year old is pretty awesome.

[Andy]

So in the first scenario you're 40 right now, right? Yeah, we'll round, we'll call it 40. That means when you are feeling like a 50 year old, you're actually 60, correct? Right?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yes.

[Andy]

So you're getting double the time. You're deteriorating half as fast, but you will deteriorate. Like if you think about it this way, a 75 year old and say you're going to die at 80, you're going to get 10 years of being 75.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Right.

[Andy]

Equivalent or not 10 years. But you'll get.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Well, I'll get two years of.

[Andy]

Yeah, 10 years worth of 75 to 80 gap instead of five.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

So really what this comes down to is feeling good for the rest of your life until you die or getting to see things later in human existence like that. For me, those are the two levers that I'm deciding between.

[Andy]

I'm taking the longer time.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I am surprising myself here. I think I'm going to take the 30. I think I want to live with a perfect health span right up until the day I die. And then did you feel pretty good at 30? I felt great at 30 and I was overweight. I could still get in shape, be even better. But yeah, the body can heal. The body can. Yeah. I don't want to have. Oh great. I get two years of feeling like I'm 75.

[Andy]

Let me just. So you're going to live to 80. You're 40 now, let's say. And that's 40 years from now. If I took the first option 40 years from now, I would be 60.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

You would feel. Yes, correct.

[Andy]

So I'd be 60. You'd be dead. Correct, yeah. So I'd be 60 and I'd go to your funeral. I'll be like, he lived like a 30 year old his whole life. And then I would have another 80 years. No.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

[Andy]

40 years. Another 40 years to live because I'd be 60. Oh, no, wait. No, I am lost.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

No, that's right. You would have another 80 years because you're going to live to 160.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah, that's the one I'm going

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

for when you explain.

[Andy]

But I will visit your grave every year during my extra 80 years when

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

you explain it like that. I feel like I'm really missing out here.

[Andy]

I mean, it's all about quality, quantity, right? Like, everybody. It's easy to make the really, like, obvious decision of, okay, if you told me I was gonna be a vegetable and I'm on machines, is it worth being alive or not? A lot of people don't want to just be kept on a machine.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Right.

[Andy]

Are you a machine guy? Would you want to be on the machine?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I would not be.

[Andy]

Have you made a decision on the machine?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I don't have, like a directive, do not resuscitate, but I.

[Andy]

Sounds like you're a machine guy.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

No, no, no. You won't be able to tell someone quality of life. I mean, I just chose to be 30 till I was 30.

[Andy]

So who's gonna make the machine decision for you?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

The doctor? I don't know.

[Andy]

I mean, no, it won't be the doctor.

[Al]

They'll go to the.

[Andy]

If you don't have a director.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Well, then it would be my wife.

[Andy]

What does she know? You're not a machine guy.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I'm not like, I'm not like, I want to be on a machine, you know, I want to live on a breathing machine. I'm also not like, don't you dare put me on the.

[Andy]

You're cool with her deciding?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah, that's all I meant.

[Andy]

Like, if you don't.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Context of the situation. Yeah, yeah.

[Andy]

Al, do you have anything written up for this situation?

[Al]

I do not.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Do you, Andy?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

You do?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

So what do you have?

[Andy]

I have the DNR, basically.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Really? You're a do not resuscitate.

[Andy]

I think I've kind of told My wife, like, give it a little bit of time. That's basically what I've said. I'm like, if the doctor says it's like, gonna be like, really low odds or this amount, I was like, give it like two weeks more. That's what I've told her.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah, but I think if you've got a dnr, they're not allowed to intervene at all.

[Andy]

However we have written up, she can make a call.

[Al]

I don't need the DNR because my life insurance policy is high enough that my wife will make that decision for me.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

She gonna cash in? She's just waiting every day. Is she feeding you bad foods and, like, high?

[Andy]

She keeps suggesting he goes on one of those machines. She's like, to keep him alive. Yeah. Okay, that one's a really good question.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

That was very philosophical.

[Andy]

Why don't you do me a favor and explain something for us?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Okay,

[Podcast Announcer]

Jason explains in 60 seconds.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Get ready to learn, people.

[Andy]

You've got 60 seconds to explain something very important. It's been making the news lately, and I want to learn more.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I want to teach everybody.

[Andy]

So the answer is

[Al]

quantum computing.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Oh, fantastic. All right, start that clock. Quantum computing is basically instead of ones and zeros, where you've got just a yes and no and off and on to use your computer chips and be able to make decisions, you now have. Think of it more like a three dimensional block where you could decide between multiple things at the same time. So instead of being like, oh, it's 100% yes or 100% no, you have the infinite range of between on and off, where it could be like 90% on, 10% off, and it makes it to where your computing power is so much stronger that you can do. You can do more than you think possibly exists in a computer. And now it's, like, proven, or they say Google saying it's like, proven the multiverse exists and that that's real.

[Andy]

Ant man is real. That's what you're saying?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I'm saying that there are, like, infinite possibilities of life and this computing chip is proving it. Is that 60 seconds?

[Al]

That was 60 seconds.

[Andy]

All right.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I think I did a pretty. Okay. Decent. It's a bad job.

[Andy]

Quantum.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah. Now if you want to get quantum entanglement, that's where things really get fun. He's talking about particles hundreds of miles apart that are the same.

[Andy]

I didn't think you were this educated.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Oh, I'm not. I made it all up.

[Andy]

You did a good job. All right, taking a break. Coming back with that's a great question.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

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[Commercial Narrator]

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[Andy]

All right, let's jump in.

[Podcast Announcer]

That's a great question.

[Andy]

We've already had some great questions, but here's some more. Daniel from Patreon, if you could turn a door on or off, would on be when the door is open or closed?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Oh, man, that's a really good question.

[Andy]

I think it's a good question because a door, when I think of it as functioning, it is closed. No, no. But when I think of a door being a door, yeah, it's closed. Right.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

So it, I mean, that's the default status. That's when it's off.

[Andy]

Well, but see, the default status for some would be on.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

No, the default status is when it's not in use, it's off. And so if I want to turn it on, I want to open the door, I want to use the door. Let me ask you this. Do you turn something on to not use it? Andy, anything in life, anything in life, do you turn it on to not use it?

[Andy]

Turn it on to not use it?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Do you think about turning that blender switch on so that it's Default off. It makes no sense. The default mode is off.

[Andy]

Yeah. Circuit breaker on. Power.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

So if I'm turning that switch on, my door opens.

[Andy]

I'm just trying to play devil's advocate of the other side. If a door is off its hinges, it's open.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

If it's off its hinges, it's open. Yeah.

[Andy]

Which means it's off it's hinges. Yeah.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I mean, I get. I mean, things like that. So if you turn it.

[Andy]

If you could turn the door on, like if you were in a room and you were like, I'm going to push door on, door off. You hit on. You would freely walk through knowing it's open.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yes, I think that that's right. That would you like that would be the essential and the opposite. Take the devil's advocate here is that you're going to turn it on to have it be. I think the devil's advocate's stupid.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I can't really find the game.

[Andy]

So on is open, on is open, and off is closed.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah, we just solved it.

[Andy]

So you're. Yeah. So an open doorway is considered on.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Correct.

[Andy]

Simon from Patreon, would you. What would happen if you farted in a tub of oatmeal?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I've been there before.

[Andy]

You should not have been.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Can I tell you a fart in something story, though?

[Andy]

Yeah. Yeah, man.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

So this is really a little tmi. All right. But let me.

[Podcast Announcer]

So a funny thing happened.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

A little rabbit hole journey. I've been cold plunging. Right.

[Andy]

In oatmeal.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Not in oatmeal. Very hard. That's hot plunging.

[Commercial Narrator]

Okay.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

No, cold plunging in freezing cold baths. Down at like 48 degrees or something like that. It's very, very cold in there. And when I do it at my house, I usually go from either a hot shower or a sauna. And so I'm in my underwear and so I go into the bath. I go into the cold plunge in my underwear. Pro tip, do not fart. It's so unbelievably cold. It's amplified like you wouldn't believe.

[Andy]

Wait, you're saying if you come out of it.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I'm saying when you fart and you're underwater, cold farting is a problem.

[Andy]

Why would that matter?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

It's gonna freeze something. It's gonna freeze something right there. Those cold bubbles come up.

[Al]

Really?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Oh, brother. Holy moly. It is an experience that you're going to have once.

[Andy]

No one talks about this with the

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

benefits of cold plunging. Yeah, I haven't.

[Andy]

Or the negatives.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

The literature is not really on whether you should or shouldn't fart.

[Andy]

The pro cons list is never like pros, longer health, dopamine. It's all good.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Negatives, negatives.

[Andy]

You can't fart.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Can't fart. Hold your farts.

[Andy]

What would happen if you did fart in a tub of oatmeal? Would it bubble to the top and release, or would it be eternally trapped until someone uncovered it? I mean, my first gut is the second one.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

It's just a matter of power, brother. I mean, how is it you're farting

[Andy]

downward if you're in a. If you're in a tub, you're farting downward.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

This is the thing.

[Andy]

And oatmeal's compact.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

It doesn't matter if. I mean, the air wants to get to the top.

[Andy]

Yeah. But if it's way layers, man. Layers and layers of oatmeal.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Absolutely. So then it's really just a matter of how much fart you got. Because imagine that you had a bowl of oatmeal, okay? And you take a straw, and you put that straw in the bowl of oatmeal, and you started to blow, and I started blowing. Obviously, the air is going to come

[Andy]

up, but not right away.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

But not right away. So this is like how long you

[Andy]

can hide a fart under oatmeal?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

You can hide a fart under oatmeal. You can 100% hide a fart under oatmeal, but you can't hide a thousand farts under oatmeal.

[Andy]

No. Because it would come to the top,

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

it would come up, and then that's a Dutch oven that you don't want. Now let me ask you this. If it's brown sugar, if it's maple and brown sugar oatmeal, would the fart smell bad or the fart smell awesome? You know what I mean? Like, full bathtub of maple and brown sugar. Delicious scented.

[Andy]

I think they'd mix, and I've yet to find it. Probably be really bad.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I mean, I would love it.

[Andy]

That would be a Quaker oats Dutch oven, is what you're saying. Yes, Quaker Bloats Parker from Patreon. When you are at a restaurant and someone that you don't know is celebrating their birthday, should you join in and sing? Should you clap when they blow out the candles or do nothing? We've all been here. What have you done?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Historically, I've done both. It really depends on the mood. You know what I mean?

[Andy]

If it's a clappy song, like, not some places, there's a big to do. It's more hokey. Some places are more like polite.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah, it's really. I think, I think you nailed it on the clapping. Like when there's the whole, you know, is it one waiter that comes out or did they bring their team? You know, if they brought their team of all the waiters have to go and do this big clappy happy song. I'll clap. I'll clap. If I'm nearby, I'll get in on that. I'll get some.

[Josh]

Yeehaw.

[Andy]

And you clap at the end.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Do you. How many birthdays have to happen in a restaurant for it to be too much for your trip?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Like, if it's not you, three would be too much.

[Andy]

Three birthdays, surrounding areas, three birthdays.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

If three birthdays is. I'm in the wrong spot if I'm not here for my birthday. Like, if there's three different birthday parties, I know I made a mistake.

[Andy]

Because they're all interruptions. Your birthday sentence. And you hear them start to do. And everybody stops.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah. Because if. Imagine we've all been there for one. All. All of us. And then imagine 10 minutes later, another one happens. It'd be like, oh, okay, I wouldn't even care. I wouldn't even think about it. But the third one happened.

[Andy]

Like, where am I?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

What is going on?

[Andy]

Am I at the birthday spouse?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

What is the name of this restaurant? Are they famous for their birthday celebrations now?

[Andy]

Deucers. Any of you guys ever, like, you've had the birthday song? Any of you like that? Any of you want the restaurant to sing to you?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I don't know that there's a person in existence that does.

[Andy]

No, no. There's a situation.

[Al]

I bet Josh does. Josh.

[Josh]

If I like to do the singing, I don't want to be saying too, but let me.

[Andy]

Let me get to where I'm going. Most places will give a free dessert to the birthday person.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Oh, yeah.

[Andy]

And most of the time you have to decide, is the song worth the. The free dessert.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I'm honestly surprised you've ever gone to a restaurant without it being your birthday.

[Andy]

I'm surprised you've not told them every time it's your birthday, anniversary, a special occasion, then you gotta not share the

[Josh]

dessert with your kids. And then they get mad at you.

[Andy]

Wait, you don't share your dessert with the kids?

[Josh]

It's my birthday dessert.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

But what if it's not really your birthday?

[Josh]

Still my birthday dessert.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

So if you go in there and you lie and you say it's your birthday, and they bring you out a cake. You're not sharing that.

[Josh]

No, it's an individual birthday cake.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Would that give you permission to get your kids a dessert?

[Josh]

They can claim it's their birthday.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Oh, we were all. Our family was all born on the same day.

[Andy]

Have you had that? You've had the song sung to you, obviously. Do you just endure it? You're fine with it, or do you.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Of course. Who would not. What is not enduring it look like you just get up and walk out.

[Andy]

There are people that tell their significant other, you do not let this happen for sure beforehand.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I'm saying. But once it starts, Stop, stop, stop. Once it starts, you are. You're. You're. You're already. If the birth on the plane that has taken off, you're not getting off.

[Andy]

If you ran away, what happens? Like, if you ran straight out the

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

door, do the weights follow you?

[Andy]

No. Do they finish the song?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

But. But here's the thing. Let's say you're the birthday boy. Birthday.

[Andy]

Birthday bar.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

And everyone knows it's your birthday. The whole wait staff knows it's you. They come up, they start singing to you. I stand up.

[Andy]

Mm.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I start slowly walking away, facing them, but just like walking to the side, walking backwards. How far do I get before they stop or they follow?

[Andy]

I don't think they follow. I think they'll look.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

But are they singing to me?

[Andy]

Yeah, they're still looking at you while they sing.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Standing at. This is. We got to try this out. I want to see if I can get a marching guy.

[Andy]

Can you get into the bathroom?

[Josh]

Right.

[Andy]

Will they come into the bathroom?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

That's what I want to know.

[Andy]

Yeah. Well, there's.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Because if the birthday boy left. If I got up and just went to the bathroom. Right. When they start singing, they come out. Happy, happy birthday to you and I. And I leave. What do they do? They.

[Andy]

I think they finish a song there

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

because at the table without the birthday boy.

[Al]

Yep.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

So they're singing to nobody, I think.

[Andy]

So that's what happened. You got to get out of there quick, though, because they're shortening these songs. I know.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

And then it's done.

[Andy]

Jeff, on the website, if a vampire bites a zombie, does the zombie become a vampire or the vampire become a zombie?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Very good question. We're going to have to work through this. Mike I'm sure knows the answer.

[Andy]

It really seems like a Mike question here.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Vampire bites a zombie.

[Andy]

So if a vampire bites anything, they become a vampire. Generally, a zombie has to bite somebody, don't they?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Papa Josh can weigh in because he's a professional.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I would imagine if. Guy, you're getting your saliva in their

[Andy]

blood, can you bite it? If you bought a. If you weren't a vampire and you just bit a zombie, do you become a zombie?

[Josh]

No.

[Andy]

That zombie has to bite you, right?

[Josh]

No. They're both undead. They're not alive, so they're not affected by the others like disease.

[Andy]

Oh, you're saying the vampire and the zombie. That's not what I asked you.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

One of them has to become the other.

[Josh]

I asked you if a vampire is much stronger than a zombie. So if one was going to happen, the vampire would turn the zombie. But that's not physically possible.

[Andy]

What I wanted to know is if I'm a regular person and a zombie's over there and I walk over and I sneak up and bite the zombie as a person.

[Josh]

Yes, you'll become a zombie.

[Andy]

I'll become a zombie for biting it. And everybody's nodding at this. They all know this about zombies.

[Josh]

I'm amazed you don't know this.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Well, no, let me not.

[Andy]

A lot of movies have a plot where the humans are biting the zombies to become zombies.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

It's also, I think there are different versions of zombies out there because it's a matter of how did this start? Because, you know, like, there are some animals that are, you know, they're venomous, but that doesn't mean they're poisonous. You can eat them and you don't have. You're not getting the poison because it comes from the teeth. But if it's like a fungal start and it can be spread through the air, then, of course, any part of that zombie.

[Andy]

What would you make a quantum zombie, though?

[Al]

Look.

[Andy]

So you're saying a vampire is a stronger creature than a zombie by just every. The undead standard?

[Josh]

Yes, by every orders of magnitude.

[Andy]

By orders of magnitude. So they can turn a zombie into a vampire zombie. Would it be a vampire zombie or just zombie?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

It would have to be a vampire

[Andy]

zombie because it doesn't bring it back to life.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

It does not bring it back to life. It's. It already was undead. So really, I think an undead thing can become a vampire because it's still

[Josh]

undead, but not from biting. They just have the power over them. So vampire lords will have legions of undead minions.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

All right, let's turn the mic off now. Ow. That one was too far. Make sure he can't see.

[Andy]

That was a little too in depth.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Nerd.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Where are you going after work? Okay, so that settles that. We'll take A break and we'll draft.

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[Andy]

Well, now that we've got all of our our zombie stuff taken care of, we can, we can get back into the holiday spirit. The Spitballers draft While Jason mentioned it at the top, we're very knowledgeable on this subject. The best things to do in the snow as we get ready for a holiday break, celebrate Christmas with the families. Jason, we don't get a lot of time in the snow, but that doesn't mean that we don't have a list of things we'd do immediately if we saw snow.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah, it's not like we haven't seen a movie about the snow. Yeah, you know what? We might know better than other people because we long for the snow. We watch something and go, that is something I would dream of doing in the snow.

[Andy]

There are people that come to Arizona and they see cactuses and they're like, oh, that's so amazing.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Cactus suck.

[Andy]

We don't think that.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

No, they're, they're awful.

[Andy]

But we do think snow's amazing because we don't see it. So when we see it, it's like you're in a magical place.

[Al]

You guys are so passionate about snow. You want to do five rounds?

[Andy]

Five rounds? Yeah, we'll do five rounds of the best things to do in the snow. I guess I get the first pick. It's going to be a mix of things I've actually done and things that I want to do and things that I think are just like a snow magical in and of itself.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yes. Yes. Snow is magical.

[Andy]

I don't know, like water with magic.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I don't remember. I don't believe I have been in a Real snowfall.

[Andy]

Right. Like one of the picturesque out the window.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I've been there where some flakes are falling to the ground, but usually when I'm in the snow, it has snowed.

[Andy]

Right.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

And now there is still snow on the ground. And that I've experienced many, many times. But I don't know if in my entire life I've ever been where I just have the picturesque moment of bringing my hands up to the falling snow.

[Andy]

Yeah, I'd stick your tongue out and have it fall on your tongue.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Oh, that might be something on my list.

[Andy]

All right, I will go with a snowball fight. That is my number one. Pick a snowball fight. I have had many snowball fights. They're quite wonderful and it's competitive and I'm going to pick something competitive.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah, that's fun. That's.

[Andy]

Although taken too hard of the snowball to the face.

[Al]

That's.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

That's on you, bro.

[Andy]

What? It's on my face?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

It's on you. If you're taking snowballs hard to the face, you can duck and dodge a snowball.

[Andy]

You ever been hit by like an ice ball, though?

[Commercial Narrator]

No.

[Andy]

Okay. Is that different next time we're up north?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Wait, you have ice balls?

[Andy]

I just. Sometimes the snow is pretty compact. There's a right consistency of snow for snow.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I've never had a snowball fight.

[Andy]

That's what I'm. I got that impression. Yeah. Yeah. So you've never got one.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I've never had a real snowball fight ever in my life.

[Andy]

I mean, you can build up little, like defensive positions.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

When I've been in the snow, I have taken. You know, you're usually wearing snow gloves and it has taken me 20 years to make a snowball.

[Andy]

Because of that. You're not. Do you have the multi fingers or

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

No, I got the fingers, but it's just like I can't ever make a good snowball.

[Andy]

So you've tried to have like snowball fight and you couldn't do it.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I guess that's what that. It just feels like in order to have a good snowball fight, you need like, you need like 20, 30 snowballs before you start.

[Andy]

If you were going to do a snowball fight, you would buy the machinery needed.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

You darn right.

[Andy]

You'd have trebuchets, you'd have. You'd probably hire somebody to make the snowballs for you.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

If it isn't fully automatic, I don't want it.

[Andy]

Yeah. All right. You are. You are up. I'm going snowball fight. What is your number one Pick,

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

man. I'm between two. All right, I'm going to. I'm going to take. I'm going to take the snowballs that I can make.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I'm going to take a snowman.

[Andy]

Oh, snowman. You can make a. I can make a big.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I could make three big snowballs.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

That is. That is easy to do, but building a snowman is kind of like. It's like the first. It's like the default first thing I do.

[Andy]

Is it. You enjoy it?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Not really. You know, it's like I build a small.

[Josh]

You feel.

[Andy]

Do you feel obligated once you see snow to build a snowman?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I really do. Like, when I get in snow, almost always the first thing I do is like, just start building up a little snowman. I'm not making something life size. I'm just making a little tiny snowman on the ground. But that's really common. And my son Isaac always loves making snowmen. Like, that's one of his. He enjoys.

[Andy]

That's his favorite thing. Okay.

[Al]

All right.

[Andy]

So you're going snowman. I think it's a good pick. You've got another one.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Oh, I got two. Well, that's great, because I was between two and that makes it easy. I'm a pee. I'm up here in the snow.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I mean, I don't know.

[Andy]

Are you writing something?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I'm writing my name, for sure. It depends on, you know, how full I am. I might need to go initials, but I'm usually. I can get that whole thing.

[Andy]

It's one of the worst things about being named Bartholomew.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Oh, man. Good luck. Never actually get that whole name out without kidney problems. Peeing in the snow is a good time. The hot and the cold put them together. It just makes sense.

[Andy]

As a man, that feels like one of the true privileges I have.

[Podcast Announcer]

Right?

[Al]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Because I can go right in the snow.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I think it's a lot easier for

[Andy]

us, but it's way easier.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah.

[Andy]

So you're going to build a snowman, then you're going to pee on him?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I don't know if I'm going to pee on the snowman, but I'm going to pee on the snow that built the snowman, and then I will build the snowman.

[Andy]

Okay. All right. I'm going to go with sledding.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Have you ever peed in the snow?

[Andy]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. Yeah. Many, many times. Always very curious how well it will melt. And that's the. How hot's my pee?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Exactly. Can I, like, Can I just get a Hole to.

[Andy]

What is the. Do different people have different temperatures or is all RP the same temperature?

[Al]

I guarantee mine's hotter than yours.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Oh, man. This is a competition.

[Andy]

That's the better one.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I don't know if it's good.

[Andy]

I just. I run hot burn when it's coming out, too.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Oh, my gosh. We have to test this.

[Andy]

I don't know about that. Can I go back to picking sledding?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Sure.

[Andy]

I'm picking sledding. That is. That is fun. And it's also not like even when you're older, you can go grab a sled and go sledding. You don't have to go on the biggest run or, you know, it's just a fun activity. Everybody wants to go fast through the snow and hopefully not hit a rock.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah.

[Andy]

You know what I mean? So I'll go sledding and then the I can't draft P. Yeah. Because that one's already gone poop and snow.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I want to see how hot my dump is.

[Andy]

Oh, man. I will go. I will go ice skating.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Okay.

[Andy]

I will go ice skating as the picturesque, fun thing to do in the snow. Now, I imagine that's fun if the snow is falling, too.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I am so happy you picked ice skating, because it is on my list. Ice skating in the snow seems like the way to do it. Like, I would imagine you're on a lake. Like, this is real ice skating. There's no, like, brought in manufactured, refrigerated, you know, frozen water. This is nature's ice rink, and I love that. But what I hate. And I mean hate. You have no idea. This is.

[Andy]

This is a fear.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

We're not talking. No. Oh, no, you're not fear of falling through. Oh, of course. Everyone is and should be. But that's not where I was going. Oh, that's. That's terrifying. No, but what I hate is ice skating. I hate.

[Andy]

How's it ice skating if you're good at it?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Hate, hate, hate it. And that's the reason why I hate it, because I am bad, bad, bad at it.

[Andy]

So do you fall?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I don't do it, Andy. Okay.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

All right. If I ice skate, I don't fall. I don't put myself in a situation to be able to fall. I'm usually, like, walking around the outside holding the wall.

[Al]

Oh, really?

[Andy]

You're one of those?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah. I don't want to be there, man. Yeah, I'm not. Good. It's because it went straight to my kids. I have a boy and a girl, twins, and obviously we don't get a lot of ice skating experience. Right. In Arizona. We just. It's not. It's not a common thing. So when I took them ice skating, we were on a cruise that had an ice skating rink, of course. And it's all cruises. Must I forget which line? But one of the lines. They all have ice rinks in them is pretty common. Anyways, my daughter, she was a pro.

[Andy]

She just knew how to do it

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

and just was an ice skater. Oh, man.

[Andy]

Your son.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

My son had a bad time. I mean, he was so angry. He was so upset at.

[Andy]

Was this as bad as when you were, like, paddleboarding or whatever you were doing?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yes, it was just like that. He couldn't do it. He was frustrated. And it's like you're.

[Andy]

You're in, and your daughter's just, like, pirouetting all over the place.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah. And you're wanting to get. You're just like. You've got to be out there for whatever the allotted time is. So it's like you come in in 20 minutes. So he's just. It was awful.

[Andy]

Were you a rollerblader?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

No, no. Same thing. Same. I don't have the. I don't have the.

[Andy]

Did you try?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Nope.

[Andy]

Oh, okay. Well, that makes more sense why you couldn't ice skate.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah.

[Andy]

You really just didn't want to endeavor onto thinner amounts of putting your weight on.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I didn't need to.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I like running.

[Andy]

You've lived your life just fine without it.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yep.

[Andy]

All right, Jason, back to you. You have a snowman. You've written your name with P. Yep. As one is known to do. And now it is time to select the next best thing to do in the snow.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

All right, I'm going to take skiing. Skiing is something you can't do without snow. You know what I mean? You can ice skate without snow.

[Andy]

I think for most people listening that have experience with snow, they would be shocked that we took it at this stage of the draft. But I didn't feel like I could pick it because I've never been skiing ever.

[Podcast Announcer]

Really?

[Andy]

Never. You've been skiing? All the deucers. Have you all been skiing?

[Josh]

I've been water skiing.

[Andy]

All right. Turn the mic off.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah. Let's not let him do the talking anymore.

[Al]

I have skied. I have never snowboarded. I'd like to try that.

[Andy]

Okay. Yeah.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I have skied. I have not snowboarded.

[Andy]

And you got a big concussion when you skied.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Oh, I had to have. I've only gone skiing once in my life. It was a ski trip, so it was a couple. Couple days of skiing. But it was fun. And I felt like. I really felt like I got the hang of it pretty quickly. Unlike ice skating, I felt good at it.

[Andy]

So you're like, let's do one last run.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

One last run. And then. It really wasn't my fault. It was the kid going sideways. But anyways.

[Andy]

And you went in, you ran into him.

[Podcast Announcer]

I.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

He clipped my ski while I was going very fast.

[Andy]

And then you ended up tumbling down the mountain.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Oh, man, I wish I could have seen it or I had it on video. That'd be an all timer. I definitely cartwheeled 100 times. It was not good.

[Andy]

All right, so you'll take skiing. You'll grab that one. It's a great value pick right now.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Now where I go to the snow most often. I love hiking.

[Andy]

What?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

No, I'm not hiking in the snow. The place where it snows, when it isn't snowy, I go hiking. I go up to the cabin. I love to hike. I love to walk. I do not like walking in the snow. Walking in snow is awful. It sucks. So I'm going to take a snowmobile. That seems awesome. I want to ride around and watch all these people who can barely walk through the snow. And I hope. I don't know for sure, but I hope, like, the back of my snowmobile kicks up a bunch of snow.

[Andy]

Yeah, you can whip some snow in their face.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Oh, absolutely. I'm a snowball. Fight that car driving through the puddle while you walk down the street.

[Andy]

That's you.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah. I think riding a snowmobile would be awesome. For some reason. That seems way more fun than like an ATV when it's not. Like, I have no. I have no desire when it doesn't have snow. Like, I want to walk. I don't want to take a little atv. That doesn't seem fun. But put snow on there and I

[Andy]

don't want to walk.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I want to ride on a snowmobile.

[Andy]

I don't believe the words you're saying about walking or hiking. However, I've been on jet skis and I imagine that's how I think about it. Have anybody in Deucer's Alley been on a snowmobile?

[Al]

Not me.

[Andy]

I've been water skiing. So look. That's a great pick. I just put it on my list and would love to have picked it. I've never done it. It sounds great. Is it back to me? It should be my final two picks. One, I'm going to go ice fishing because I'm just sitting, and that sounds great. I love sitting, dude.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

That's where I'm terrified. And I know it's because the whole.

[Andy]

You're going to fall into it.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I'm cutting into the frozen lake or river. It just seems so dangerous. And people obviously ice fish all the time. No, you know, I think it's safe.

[Andy]

You're only ice fishing when you need to core out a big. Josh, you've ice fished before, right?

[Josh]

I have.

[Andy]

Oh, gosh. Thank goodness. And, you know, you're just hanging out, you're fishing, you're in a shack. You're probably drinking something delicious. That's what I want to do.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Okay.

[Andy]

So that would be my first pick. The second one, man, I don't. I'm not taking that. I'm not taking that. I'm going to say trying to build an igloo.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Really? Now, is that. Do you build igloos out of snow or you're just doing that in the snow and you've brought like that.

[Andy]

Does it have to be ice? We know nothing about snow.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I know nothing about igloos. Here's what I know about igloos. Like I said, snowboarding an igloo is.

[Andy]

Do you know what an describe an igloo?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

An igloo is a small structure built of blocks of ice that somehow is supposed to keep you warm. That's literally what I think of it. I don't know if that's right or not right, but that is, like, factually what my brain knows. An igloo is. So on today's episode of what did we learn Today? I want to learn what in the world is an actual igloo.

[Andy]

I feel like I've seen those survival shows where people dig out, like, shelters.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Igloo is a dome shaped dwelling made from blocks of snow or ice.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Whew. Typically used in the arctic region.

[Andy]

Yeah. That's what I love doing.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Also known as snow houses or snow huts. So you're building a snow house.

[Al]

Yes.

[Andy]

That sounds fun.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

That's pretty cool.

[Andy]

Yeah. So you got one final pick. Lucky.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I'm going to go tubing.

[Andy]

Tubing.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I'm going to go tubing. I think that's cool.

[Andy]

Very different.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah. Hey, you just were about to take

[Andy]

snowboarding before this draft.

[Al]

As we're.

[Andy]

As we find out what we're drafted, I'm like, I go sledding. Tubing. He goes, those are the same thing. And now he took it.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Well, because you took sledding first.

[Commercial Narrator]

Yeah.

[Andy]

All right. You can do Tubing. Tubing is very similar to the sled, only you're on a tube.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah. And it's really fun. And I'm going to be honest with you, Andy. I would rather go tubing than sledding. You got the wrong tube.

[Andy]

Which one's more likely to eat it? Like, for you to fall, I feel like tubing. Feel like sledding.

[Al]

But if you fall tubing, your tube is bouncy and soft, whereas your sled will knock you out.

[Andy]

So you're saying it's better to be on a tube? Yeah, yeah. It's like. But that's for, like, if you're not a pro or experience. Like, the kids would get on tubes and the pros would get on sleds.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah. Pro sledding is a huge, huge thing.

[Andy]

Huge sport.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I believe it's being added to the Olympics.

[Andy]

You notice neither of us drafted snow angels.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Oh, I forgot about that.

[Andy]

Would that have been one of yours?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

So it's cool. Whatever. But, like, to be honest, you got to lay down in the snow, man. That's. Why. Is that fun?

[Andy]

Yeah, you do get pretty covered in snow.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I don't understand why that would be. That's nowhere near as fun as peeing on the snow.

[Andy]

What's the biggest snow, like, play day mistake you've ever made? Because for me, it was. We did not buy our kids the waterproof gloves. Everybody had, like, mittens and stuff, and within two seconds they had hypothermia.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah, that's a big problem.

[Andy]

We don't know about snow people.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

No. What are snow. Who are snow people? They sound scary.

[Andy]

Hunting snow people is one of my picks. I didn't take.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Oh, we're going six rounds. Hunting snow people.

[Andy]

What does this say, Al? You're trying to tell me.

[Al]

It says, generally tubing is considered better if you want a carefree, faster ride,

[Andy]

but with less control.

[Al]

Less control. But sledding is better if you want more maneuverability and steering, which I clearly.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

You can steer a sled.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

You can steer, like, without reindeer.

[Andy]

Oh, dad.

[Al]

Gummit.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I had some on my.

[Andy]

Without reindeer. I. Oh, you forgot to pick something.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I did. I was going to pick.

[Andy]

You want to substitute tubing?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah. You want me to kill him?

[Andy]

Go ahead and get rid of tubing.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Dog sledding.

[Andy]

That's what you'd like to do?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yes, because I like. You know, when you go mush. What's that called? Is it called splatting? Well, I thought there was, like, a name for, like, a sport.

[Andy]

Wait, if that had been called something Else would you have taken the thing that said mush or the dog sledding?

[Al]

It's literally called mushing.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I would take dog sledding. That name sucks. Mushing.

[Andy]

Is that because of. We all read the books when we were young of the great dog sled races.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah. Mushing is a sport or training that's

[Andy]

different than dog sledding.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Powered by dogs.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's nice.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

No, mushing is dog sledding.

[Andy]

Yes, it is. It is.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Okay, I take dog sledding.

[Andy]

Dog sledding is tubing, which I get both now. All right, that'll do for today's draft.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Hold on.

[Podcast Announcer]

What did we learn today?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

If you get both, which one are you sitting on? Which one would you pick?

[Andy]

I think I'm taking the sled still.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

You liar. I think if you're up at the top of a hill and there's a sled in a tube.

[Andy]

No, I've been on a tube on the top of a hill. And when you go down in a tube, you absolutely have no control. You are out of control any direction you have. When you're on a sled, I can lean left and right.

[Al]

I will say, too, on the tube. Your bum is in, like, the hole of the tube and exposed to, like, rocks.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah.

[Al]

I've taken a rock in the bum.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Telling me, I guess, what is it? What kind of sled?

[Andy]

All of them. You can just lean left and right and you can angle.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

But I'm also. Take your feet out and stop yourself when I say a sled that you're doing a snow sled. Describe what that looks like to me.

[Andy]

A snow sled?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Yeah.

[Andy]

It can either be one of those plastic sleds that you get in. That's like a.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Like a shield.

[Andy]

Not a shield. No.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Because I've seen those where it's like sled shape. Okay. Is there metal? There can be bars under it.

[Andy]

An old school sled would be like a piece of wood with two metal out outside pieces, and it's shaped like a rectangle and you go down a hill.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

That seems fun. Except I feel like they don't make those for my size.

[Andy]

That might be true.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

And the tube, unless you have rain, the tube.

[Andy]

We can get you in there. All right, all right. What'd you learn today?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I learned what an igloo was. I didn't know for sure.

[Andy]

Yeah, Yeah. I. Boy, I learned what bum shuffling is when it comes to cleaning your house. And I am not going that direction.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

So you're putting your feet in the toilet, you disgusting pig.

[Andy]

Yeah, not even a clean toilet, huh?

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

I don't think so. It's something. It's a mental hurdle.

[Andy]

Makes sense.

[Bartholomew (Bart)]

Pee and poop goes there.

[Andy]

Yeah, People have a snowball fight. Take care, everybody.

[Podcast Announcer]

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.

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[Bartholomew (Bart)]

So if I overspend my balance, Goto

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