
Want to see Andy melt down and lose his mind? Well this is the episode for you! Would You Rather kicks things off. Highway to Spell returns and Papa Josh enters the fray before we head to the draft where things go off the rails. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!
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Andy
At Strayer University, we help students like you. Go from will I to why not? For over 130 years, we've been innovating higher education to make it more affordable, accessible and attainable so you can reach your goals. Go from thinking can I? To yes, I Can and keep striving. Visit strayer.edu to learn more. Strayer University is certified to operate in Virginia by Chev and its many campuses, including at 2121 15th Street north in Arlington, Virginia.
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Andy
What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason.
Jason
Hey now, brown cow, big clown dog pound banana.
Mike
Another hey now, brown cow.
Andy
Yeah, we've had that before.
Jason
Have we?
Mike
Oh, yeah.
Andy
Have we? Oh, yeah. That's very specific.
Jason
I scat every day.
Andy
You scat 66% of our shows.
Mike
You made a deal with the devil. With the devil. And the devil loves to hear you scat.
Jason
Gosh. So I barely get a break from scatting.
Andy
It's great.
Jason
Look, if I was on stage playing songs all day long, eventually I'd have to play the hits.
Mike
Yes. Yeah.
Jason
You know what I mean.
Mike
I can't.
Jason
I can't make something new up every time. Welcome in to the Spitballers. The only saving grace of me being the permanent scatterer, so it feels, is the fact that out of nowhere we decided highway to Spell is back.
Andy
Oh, my gosh. This was so stupid. Somebody asked about it some and I. I appreciate you. I love you. Some idiot yeah. On the footcast asked a question about when is highway to Spell coming back.
Jason
That was all I'll need to hear.
Andy
And then I was like, it's today. So I just want to say to the person, the Foot Clan member, I tried to veto that question. Thank you for your support.
Jason
I hate you.
Andy
Please cancel your subscription. Please, please, please cancel it. Please go away.
Jason
Al's Happy.
Andy
Never come back.
Jason
Al, how are you doing today?
Andy
Such an easy.
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
You want to know what the producer has to do to come up with this? Nothing.
Jason
Look up some words.
Mike
Hold on. I'm glad you brought that up, because I do need to surface something. It came up in our company, Slack. We were talking about highway to Spell.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
The young man of the crew let us know. I'm talking about Matt the Falcon. Yeah. He said Papa. Papa Josh.
Andy
Who?
Mike
Papa Josh claims he's great at so many things, Everything Papa Josh has been.
Andy
He's also great at what he's bad at. He's, like, the worst of.
Mike
Hold on, hold on. He's been claiming he's a really good speller. Oh.
Andy
Do you want to play with us? I think he does.
Mike
Josh, are you a good speller?
Andy
I'm an okay speller, Josh.
Mike
No, listen.
Andy
Backtrack. B, A, C, K, T, R, A, C. Reel it in, reel it in.
Jason
Backtrack.
Andy
Shame on you guys for listening to anything that Matt says.
Mike
I don't know. Are you a good speller?
Andy
I am an.
Mike
Okay.
Jason
I heard this on your other podcasts.
Andy
You find that clip for me?
Jason
Go ahead. I didn't hear it.
Andy
Papa Josh, did you say this on another podcast? Do you think you did? I may have said that I was a good speller.
Mike
All right, that's all I need to hear.
Jason
Is he playing with us?
Mike
Yeah, he's playing.
Andy
Of course.
Mike
Yes, he is.
Andy
Okay, I need a pen and paper.
Mike
You don't need nothing.
Jason
Okay, you guys get your boogie boards.
Mike
No, no, no.
Andy
You write your words down.
Mike
You're saying the kids at the spelling bee, they get a little clipboard.
Andy
They don't get a clipboard. I ain't that big of a nerd, man.
Jason
We didn't claim that we're good.
Andy
Yeah, I know that.
Mike
I've said I'm a bad speller.
Jason
Well, Papa Josh will play along.
Andy
For the record, both of these other deucers said that they think that they can take you guys.
Mike
No, they didn't. Hut Jeremy would never say, I have proof.
Jason
Well, he's got the answer key over there.
Andy
Look at his face.
Mike
Hold on, hold on. There's proof.
Andy
No, he doesn't. Where's the proof guys that were at lunch?
Mike
I'm not going to ask for the other people for proof. I'm asking you the.
Andy
Are you saying you don't believe me, Mike?
Mike
I'm saying.
Andy
Okay, guys, what he's saying is America prosecutor comes up and says, I have proof. And the judge says, what is your Proof. He says ask around. Just go like other people know.
Mike
This is America.
Andy
That's my proof.
Mike
And the burden of proof is on the accuser user.
Andy
Yeah, that's fair.
Mike
Oh, my gosh.
Jason
Sometime between now and this segment. The segment, though, you guys need to switch spots. You and Matt.
Andy
Oh, yeah. Thank you.
Mike
Oh, you don't want to move. You're not going to let me see these words. Yeah, you get that smelly mic.
Jason
Well, we'll have a fun highway. Highway to spell today.
Mike
We've also don't know which one.
Andy
I said no, I know which one.
Jason
We've also got a draft. We're drafting the best ice cream toppings and mix ins.
Andy
Yeah, we had a big fight about that.
Jason
Yeah. These guys couldn't comprehend the idea of a topping.
Andy
No, we know what a topping is. Where you mix it in. Are so much, so much better. Two topics and if all we're drafting superior.
Jason
Lots of other things. But will you just do a draft? You just do a draft for this.
Andy
You want to know something special?
Jason
This is like you saying if our draft is pick fruits, you're like, you.
Mike
Know what's better than fruits? It's dessert.
Jason
So let's pick dessert.
Andy
This must be Papa Josh's brother in law.
Mike
Yes. Seriously, what is happening?
Andy
You want to know something special?
Jason
Just pick the things.
Andy
Other things.
Mike
Just ask the other people.
Andy
They'll tell you what's special.
Jason
Do the draft on the thing we throw.
Mike
No way, dude. Mix, mix. Was that Andrew Dice?
Andy
What's the matter with you?
Mike
Like blizzards? I'm not saying are better.
Andy
Yeah, you can make flurries.
Jason
But we're better draft toppings. And you couldn't get your head around.
Mike
It because toppings get our head around it.
Andy
We wanted to. We know what a topping is.
Jason
I don't think you do.
Andy
Of course we do. You put it on top. What are you ordering?
Jason
You just decided you're not going to pick them because you like mixing stuff in.
Andy
We wanted the draft to be representative of the people. And the people, they don't go to cold stone and be like, hey, just put that on.
Mike
Just on the. Just on the layer.
Andy
Put it on top. No, that's fine.
Mike
All right.
Jason
Anyways, we're drafting ice cream toppings and mix ins and like mixins.
Andy
Mixins.
Jason
We'll get into that. We've got a highway to spell.
Andy
We got.
Jason
Would you rather.
Mike
We're starting right now. Mixins.
Andy
Would you rather.
Jason
You guys irritate me?
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
Would you rather. Alexis from Patreon. Would you rather discover on Your property. Three choices. Which would you rather discover on your property? A crashed UFO with dead aliens on your property?
Andy
Dead aliens?
Jason
Yes.
Andy
Okay. Oh, that's a big difference. Oh, my goodness.
Jason
A fully.
Andy
I don't want an ALF situation. You know.
Mike
He eats cats.
Andy
Dude, I know.
Jason
A fully intact T. Rex skeleton. Fully intact.
Andy
Okay.
Jason
Or ten golden bars.
Andy
Oh, so this just became financial. Like, which one is.
Jason
Well, all three of them would be financial for you if you. I mean, you're getting paid on the skeleton.
Andy
Well, sure. I didn't. When you talked about the aliens, I didn't immediately hop to financial gain. I thought about. I mean, first of all, we know, or at the very least, we think we know that T. Rexes were a very specific dinosaur, but we don't know for sure whether aliens exist. So that's not just financial, that is informational.
Mike
Talk to Tom DeLonge.
Andy
Please teach me. Who's Tom DeLong?
Mike
Blink 182.
Andy
I am aware of a band.
Mike
The guy who left the band to go study. Okay.
Jason
If I had crickets, I would hit it. Look, Tingle bar.
Andy
Not everyone is a hardcore blink 180.
Jason
And he's looking at us like we're fools.
Mike
Yeah. You guys didn't know that he left and then he was doing years.
Andy
No, we didn't. How many producers knew that? One.
Jason
One that always knows everything.
Mike
Okay, that's true.
Andy
He had no idea.
Jason
The Tangle bars are worth about 500 grand right now. The. A full T. Rex skeleton is worth 6 to 30 million dollars.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
So that's obviously a better choice. Now, the alien one. The question about the aliens is, can you monetize it or is it seized by the government? I think the government might come in and just take it. I don't feel like you can necessarily be.
Mike
Whoa.
Jason
Give me a check. If the government wasn't involved, that could charge people to come see the dead alien.
Andy
Now, let me ask you this. If you knew, genuinely, you have a legit crashed alien spaceship with dead alien carcasses in there, and the government did not know about it yet. Okay. Do you believe that you could orchestrate a media coverage event wide enough to where at some point you usurp.
Mike
No.
Andy
The ability of the government to come in and just, like, apprehend.
Mike
No, no, no. They will be in immediately.
Jason
It's national security issue.
Mike
Taking the T. Rex, it's honestly, it's international.
Jason
I want to be known as the dinosaur guy with $30 million.
Andy
I'm. I'm an Alan Grant, Esquire. I will get something from the Government. The government's not going to come in and take it.
Jason
Prison.
Andy
No. There, I'll get.
Mike
Hold on. Please, please finish this sentence.
Andy
The government.
Mike
Please finish this.
Andy
Okay, listen. If I don't fight back. Yeah. The government will come in with a low ball check offer and say, hey, we're going to take this off your hands. Here is $100,000 for in sign this contract and I'm just going to say yes. So I'm out the money of the T. Rex. But do you want to know what I know? I know that aliens exist.
Jason
The t. Rex is $30 million, Jason, not 100 grand.
Andy
I thought you said it's the $30 million.
Jason
It's a $30 million.
Andy
You're not getting top. What are you, like the world's greatest.
Jason
You just said $100,000. Put it at to you, 100,000 might be 6.
Mike
So you would deny $6 million to be like, I know aliens are real. No one will believe me, but I'll have a hundred thousand dollars instead of 6 million to no, Jason, we know they're real.
Andy
No, I don't believe aliens are real.
Jason
Real. Look.
Andy
Oh, time out.
Jason
You're getting imminent domain by the government.
Andy
Imminent domain often comes with a check.
Jason
Yes, a very small one. We're building a highway over your aliens.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
Okay, timeout.
Mike
Right.
Andy
Genuine moment.
Jason
No. Yes.
Andy
Okay. All right. But for those of us who haven't listened and done 10,000 shows together, the question before you answer it is, do you actually. People are on all sides. Do you believe that aliens are intelligent? Life is out there in the universe. Just a yes or no question. So, Mike, you are a yes. I am a no.
Jason
Andy very much a no.
Andy
Very much a no.
Jason
Let's go to the Fermi paradox.
Mike
Fermi paradox is bull crap.
Andy
Al Borland.
Jason
I am a no.
Andy
Okay, so we got three nos. One.
Jason
Yes.
Andy
Yes. Okay. Papa Josh, how does it feel? Timeout, Mike, how does it feel to be you and Papa Josh alone on the same side?
Jason
He might doesn't care.
Mike
Yeah, no, I don't care. Josh is actually a very smart guy.
Jason
But what if now we have a problem.
Mike
Go on.
Andy
I'm.
Mike
Yes.
Andy
I'm glad to be on this side.
Jason
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think so. Mike thinks so.
Andy
That's interesting. That's Josh.
Jason
Josh makes sense. Josh is a very.
Andy
I'm posting a poll.
Jason
Josh is an optimistic dude.
Mike
In general, it's not even optimistic.
Andy
It's probability. That's not optimistic. Probability. That could be pessimistic. I mean, that could be pessimistic.
Mike
Pessimistic is. No, no, no.
Andy
I'm saying pessimistic could still be. Yes.
Jason
Fermi paradox would say. Which Mike apparently thinks is garbage, but is. You know, an opinion says that after the vastness of the universe, we have no evidence of any contact of them or any existence of them of any kind.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
Over the totality of all of these supposed billions of years. So that's the side I've seen on. Mike is taking the side that he believes that they're out there.
Mike
I'm taking the size and probability.
Andy
It's kind of like we have no evidence of. It's kind of like the space travel argument, which Einstein proved the theory of relativity. Time travel in theory should be.
Mike
There was a time when people were like, yeah, we're the center of the.
Andy
Universe, but if time travel was true.
Mike
And they're like, where's the proof? And you're like, well, hold on, let me get it for you. And then we.
Jason
No, I mean we.
Mike
And then we got it. We keep getting the proof.
Andy
If time travel was real, as an example.
Mike
Oh, time travel. You can only go forward.
Andy
No, I think. Yeah, I think in theory you can only go backwards. But regardless. Yeah.
Mike
Relativity, it's all relative to where you are.
Andy
But the. Here's the thing. If time travel is capable, then there's only two possible outcomes. One is that they're here.
Mike
Sure.
Andy
Because time travel, like, like, sure. Time travel is happening and it's already been invented in the future. And so they've come back to now. Or we are the first.
Jason
Which is the most improbable of all things.
Andy
Exactly.
Mike
We're the first generation. Check this out. Time travel is not possible.
Andy
That's the alien argument. The reason that we don't know the aliens exist is because. Check this out, Mike. Because they don't exist.
Jason
Billions and billions of stars. Billions and billions of stars older than the sun. Billions and billions of opportunities for life to have evolved beyond our. Our current phase. In which case people would have found a way to communicate with other people in the galaxy. Or they've. Or they don't exist.
Mike
Or they've destroyed themselves.
Jason
Billions.
Andy
It just sounds like you're on two. You're on two sides of two. Different questions.
Jason
Yep.
Andy
But I'm going to pull.
Mike
I'm going to pull our audience of checking out the way that humanity is going. I think the probability of us destroying ourselves in 2000 years time is very high, very high.
Andy
In how long?
Mike
I'm just going 2,000 years.
Andy
I thought you said 200. I was like, wow, you really.
Mike
Are it legit? Could be 50 years.
Jason
Just to be clear, then.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
You're believing then that every civilization at our age gets to. The world destroys themselves.
Mike
Yes.
Jason
Which means that they're not around then.
Mike
But they did exist.
Jason
No. But they're not here.
Mike
No, they're not. I didn't say they were on Earth.
Jason
No, no, no. Not here. I mean anywhere. They're not anywhere ever, because.
Mike
No, they can exist and we could never know.
Jason
So you think they're synced up with us timelines, then?
Mike
They can be.
Jason
Okay, that's long odds. In the billions and billions of years they can be. Could be within a thousand. You said 2,000 years. That means they'd have to be within 2,000 years of us right now, which is very long odds.
Mike
But I'm saying that I think that eventually life. We just get to the point where life just destroys itself.
Jason
Yeah. I'm not in on this.
Mike
Fermi. Jason Stifer.
Andy
Fermi. I'm putting up the poll.
Mike
Oh, are you tweeting it out?
Jason
Yeah. So, Mike, your backyard, though. T. Rex.
Mike
Yeah. You in with me because I'm taking the money.
Jason
Isaac from Patreon.
Mike
So easy.
Jason
Would you rather shower two times a month?
Andy
Whoa.
Jason
But you get to put on new clothes every day.
Andy
Okay.
Mike
That's like new underpants.
Andy
Yeah. Whole thing.
Mike
Top to bottom caboodle. All right.
Andy
Socks, too.
Jason
Or change your clothes only twice a month, but you shower every day. This is a great question. Probably one of your best in at least 100 episodes.
Mike
This one, respectfully, is.
Andy
I didn't hear the second question.
Jason
You either you want clean clothes or.
Mike
You want clean body.
Jason
Your body gets. You either get a shower twice a month and you get new clothes every day.
Andy
Or.
Jason
Or you change clothes twice a month, but you shower every day. This is about whether. Look, when I smell. Let's say you change clothes twice a month and you shower every day. I think that's the one I'm going to go with. If I'm showering every day, I'm not contaminating these clothes too intensely.
Mike
You are. You're never working out then.
Jason
No, I am. I'm taking my shirt off while I work out.
Andy
You taking your undies off?
Jason
No. My underwear is going to smell.
Mike
You're going to have to go down.
Jason
I'm not saying you got to go.
Mike
Skibs.
Jason
If I'm not showering every day and I'm going twice a month, you're working out like Greeks. It doesn't matter what clothes I'm Wearing. I'm smelling like a butthole.
Andy
Here's. Here's the thing. I think you are. I think you're backwards here. Because if you can't change your clothes, that means your socks and your underwear.
Jason
I know.
Andy
Are going to reek to high heaven. Or like Mike said.
Jason
No, I'm sure you don't do any work.
Andy
You don't work on a bicycle or in my case, feed the chickens or do anything that gets you dirty. Dirty.
Jason
You wash your jeans every time you wear them.
Andy
No, no.
Mike
It's the socks and the underpants that are the biggest.
Jason
I'm not saying they're not. I'm just saying if I smell. Go five days without a shower. How you smell.
Mike
Bad.
Andy
Bad, bad. But you want to know what I.
Jason
What clothes you put on. It doesn't matter.
Andy
But do you know what I can do?
Jason
What?
Andy
Like, I know that if I don't put on deodorant two days in a row, I'm going to reek. But I can put on deodorant. This does not stop me from putting on deodorant twice a day. I can. I can. Deodorant.
Jason
You think you can Febreze your way out of this?
Andy
I think with clean. You think you can do with clean clothes, deodorant, a little cologne. I will be okay. All exist.
Jason
Axe Body Spray over here thinks he'll be fine. Mike, which side are you on?
Mike
I don't. I don't think there's a winner.
Andy
I'm.
Jason
No, there's not a winner.
Andy
Which one is a bigger loser?
Jason
Al made an effort on this.
Mike
All right. The bigger loser would be. The bigger loser would be if you can't shower.
Jason
Thank you.
Mike
That's where I'm going.
Andy
Thank you.
Mike
That's where I'm going.
Andy
Okay, we're only.
Jason
That's from a guy who believes in aliens.
Andy
We're only 182 votes in. I'm not gonna say which way it's going. Please don't look.
Mike
Okay?
Andy
But right now. And I put it.
Mike
Do we have a heavy favorite?
Andy
We have a heavy favorite.
Jason
Oh, I know the heavy favorite. Wait, I know the heavy favorite.
Andy
I put this is. I just want you to understand how I posted it. Genuine question.
Mike
It's a heavy favorite for yes.
Andy
I'm not. Genuine question. Do you believe that aliens are real? Yes, no, and no opinion. Because I wanted people. I wanted people who were on the fence. Check the poll to not, like, sway it. I want to know if people.
Mike
People have an opinion on that.
Jason
I fundamentally disagree with Any poll. Because a poll is not based on logic, reason, or evidence. A poll is based on what you're rooting for. That's all.
Andy
Okay, that's fine. But it's.
Jason
It's. Yes.
Andy
It's 77% to 20% to 3%.
Jason
Yes. Because if you told me, do I. If you asked me whether or not I believe that time travel could ever happen, I'm gonna go, yes, because I want it to happen.
Mike
Oh, I would go, no, I want it to happen.
Jason
But I mean, if I'm rooting for.
Mike
Actually, I don't want it. If time travel can happen, do you.
Jason
Believe that we can ever make calorie free candy? I'm gonna say yes. I'm gonna say yes.
Mike
Time travel is the end of the world.
Jason
I feel like most people are gonna want aliens to be there. That's all I'm saying. Unless we watch Alien movies.
Andy
I think most people don't want aliens to exist.
Mike
If we truly really. If we live in the.
Jason
The.
Mike
The multiple universe.
Andy
Andy's giving me this look, like if you.
Jason
Most people would like to believe that there's something crazy.
Andy
Let me ask you this. An alien ship shows up right now outside our studio. Giant alien ship. It's right there. Are you going to be. Your immediate thought. Happy or scared? Which one?
Jason
I don't know. Fascinated?
Andy
No.
Mike
Terrified you.
Andy
Immediately.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
Maybe brown.
Mike
They're not yellow.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
Oh, yeah, those are dull.
Jason
Pants have been yellow for 15 days. You only shower. You shower every day. You don't get a change of clothes?
Mike
No. If aliens. Shut up, we would be terrified.
Andy
Yeah, and dead.
Mike
Look, maybe.
Jason
Why do people watch Alien movies then?
Andy
To watch people die.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
To watch massacres of alien invasions. There's not a whole lot of.
Jason
It's our independence day.
Mike
Yeah, because you know what the aliens know. Aliens know all of our global landmarks, and they blow them up every time.
Andy
Why?
Jason
They always know, man.
Mike
Well, because they're real smart.
Jason
First.
Mike
They're real smart.
Jason
White house.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
White. They're like.
Jason
What is it, Stonehenge?
Mike
Like Tower of London? The.
Jason
Definitely. The pyramids. They're blowing those up.
Mike
Oh, that's. Yeah, that's.
Andy
The pyramids are their landing spots. The pyramids are literally the beacon of pyramids.
Mike
That's where they're supposed to be.
Andy
It docks right with the alien ship. That's. That's how they were built.
Jason
That is what Lilu told me. All right.
Andy
Is that in there?
Mike
No, he's mixing up. He's mixing up Stargate and Fifth Element. I will not stand for this journey from X.
Jason
Would you rather eat one meal per day, as large as you'd like, or eat as normal throughout the day? But only every other day. So you have to fast every other day.
Mike
Oh, large meal. Give me a large meal.
Jason
I thought you said lard meal. That's.
Mike
Oh, there's gonna be lard. Oh, yeah. A large lunch. I can easily get by.
Jason
I feel like if I had one huge lunch, I don't need to eat it anymore.
Mike
Exactly.
Jason
Yeah.
Mike
Every other day.
Jason
Would you like the intermittent fasting protocol, that is?
Andy
I would love to have the willpower to eat one large meal a day. It would be incredible for my health. I've tried to kind of do this with intermittent fasting.
Jason
You eat normally one large meal a day.
Andy
I eat one large meal a day and then regular meals throughout the rest of the day. That's my usual go to. And that's the problem.
Jason
I either eat large or regular meals.
Andy
Three to four teen times a day.
Jason
I am shocked how like, resistant or like soft I am when it comes to, like, having to skip a meal.
Andy
Really?
Jason
Yeah. I'm not resilient. I'd like to believe I'm resilient. I'm not. I know if I. I don't get crazy hungry. It's not like I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm hungry. I can actually go. I think I could go days without a meal. I don't get hungry.
Andy
But your body freaks out.
Jason
But I get a headache.
Mike
Yeah. Or I get real brain foggy.
Jason
I'm weak and tired and brain foggy. It's more like the biological reaction to no food and energy sources.
Andy
You need far more blubber.
Jason
Because if I had more blubber.
Andy
As a blubbery man, I've done the last.
Mike
I feel like I'm a pretty blubbery man. And I would disagree with this.
Andy
I've done. You're not a blubbering man.
Jason
This guy wants.
Mike
I'm losing the case.
Jason
You don't know.
Andy
You feel like a blubbery man. I am a blubbering man, Willie. But I've. In the last year, I think I've done two different times. Like a three day water fast.
Jason
But you're having a little bit of something in there. Right.
Andy
The first day is like some bone broth.
Jason
Right.
Andy
So.
Jason
But you actually go zilch for two days.
Andy
Three. Three days.
Jason
No, no, no. You just said you had bone broth.
Andy
Okay, so I have like 40 calories, which means nothing. 40 calories of bone broth.
Mike
By. By choice.
Andy
Yes, by Choice.
Mike
Like you're.
Jason
You're like trying to get some autophagy.
Mike
I'm going to do this thing.
Jason
I get it.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
And I wanted to do that. And at about the 20 hour mark, I had a migraine.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
And I had prepared. I thought I had prepared properly. I was having my electrolytes and all. I wanted to be you, Jay. I guess without. I don't have as much blubber.
Mike
If I had a dollar.
Jason
But for every time someone wanted to.
Mike
Be you, you'd have a dollar.
Jason
Exactly. Or for every pound of blubber cash. But I got a migraine.
Mike
It might be coins, and I had.
Jason
To get a dollar.
Mike
It's probably quarters.
Jason
I don't want quarters. What was crazy is when I had the migraine, I had like one bite of food and it was instantaneously gone.
Andy
So you are just. Your whole point is you're weak. Yes. Okay.
Jason
That's the driving thesis of my. Of my paper.
Andy
I agree. You're a.
Mike
You're a Brit. But he's a breakfast man.
Jason
I am a breakfast.
Andy
I am. I almost never eat breakfast.
Jason
Blubbering breakfast correlates my day.
Andy
I have.
Mike
Throws everything off.
Jason
You got to get the metabolism rocking, man. I've been saying this forever.
Mike
Wait, is that why I'm a blubbery man?
Jason
Yes, your metabolism. Metabolism needs to keep going. There's a correlation to weight loss.
Mike
I was told. I was told I'm supposed to not eat for 12 hours.
Andy
There's also a correlation between weight loss and not eating, so.
Jason
True. True.
Andy
It works either way. I've been recently trying to eat like an egg or eggs for breakfast.
Mike
You doing that microwave, dude, that microwave almond. I did it one time and it turned out okay.
Andy
It's better than you think for the fact that it takes 45 seconds. Yeah, it's. I was like, this is.
Mike
You go mayonnaise or.
Andy
Yeah. Oh, yeah, mayonnaise. Just some mayonnaise, some egg. Whip it up, microwave it.
Mike
Yeah. No, it's like, not bad.
Andy
Dot gum. This is an omelette. It's like we've been wasted so much.
Jason
So much.
Andy
Dude.
Mike
There's like. So there's omelet bars.
Andy
We live.
Mike
There should just be a microwave where.
Andy
We work right now. We've been working together for 11, 12 years or whatever it is. And, well, I guess like 20 years, if we go back to our former company and we live by the. The 8020 principle where we don't.
Jason
We want 80% of aliens are made at 20.
Mike
I was gonna say, you're like, you Know, like, the guy who's like, I can make an omelet in the microwave. You're gonna deny aliens, brother?
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
Okay, let me tell you about a.
Andy
Little separate poll I just microwaved.
Jason
I got a little separate poll. Give me the results of your poll real quick.
Mike
What's your scar?
Jason
No, no, no, no.
Andy
Listen, listen.
Jason
I want you.
Andy
My current poll. I'm just gonna back this up down. 75% say they do believe aliens are right. 18% sounds about right, says no, and then the rest are no opinion.
Mike
Here's my poll, okay?
Jason
Do you need evidence to believe in aliens? 77% said no. 22% said yes.
Andy
Well, so that.
Jason
So I mean, that. Yeah, the math checks out perfectly, which is just. We want them to. No, 77% of people want them to.
Mike
It's just.
Andy
Oh, wait, Mike.
Mike
It's just zooming out.
Jason
Zooming out, man. Zooming out. We got billions and billions. We haven't heard a peep.
Andy
Sounds like. Mike, you need a poll of do you want aliens to exist?
Mike
That's 100%.
Andy
I don't want 99 if.
Mike
99 if you guys answer it. Yeah, because then you're wrong.
Jason
Okay, well, I forget what we were talking about. We got to move on.
Andy
We're talking about omelets that you can microwave.
Mike
Oh, yeah, they're great.
Andy
Get back to that. We live by this 80, 20 principle, where it's like, we try to be really efficient with our time. We try to make sure that we're.
Jason
Not do this show.
Andy
We're not wasting hours and hours of something that gives 20% production. When 80% of your production comes in 20% of your time. And when I think about how much work it takes to make an omelet.
Jason
A good one, it's never 80, 20.
Mike
It's in the 20.
Jason
It's in the 20 dot Is it.
Andy
Better than the microwave omelette?
Mike
Sure.
Andy
I think so, probably. But it takes me 45 seconds to make the microwave one. And it's like, this. Is dad gum just as good? I mean, it's like, why would you ever waste time making a full. Get the pan out, dirty the pan.
Mike
You gotta put a chef out, maybe.
Andy
Chop some veggies, get out your cheese.
Jason
And that's how you feel about the. The Costco pumpkin pie versus that home.
Andy
100%. 100%.
Jason
I know. It's the same thing.
Andy
It takes so much work to make a homemade pie.
Jason
That's me with cranberry sauce at Thanksgiving. Take it out of the can, brother.
Andy
Turns out life matters. Live your life and eat Costco pumpkins and microwave your omelets.
Mike
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Jason
What's up, spitwads? Well, this is something I can speak from experience on. You want to eat better. We all want to do that. We feel like we have zero time and energy to make it happen. Sometimes you even try to eat better and you realize you just can't. You can't even order something that is actually healthy for you with all the different restaurants out there. Look, I was in that boat. I went to Factor, checked it out. We love the Factor meals. In the beginning, when we got the Factor meals delivered, my son was stealing all of them. Now I'm ordering enough to where I can kind of steal some and hide them from him because they are so delicious. They don't ask you to meal prep, right? They don't ask you to follow recipes. It removes the entire problem. It's two minutes. It's real food and it's done. And I can tell you I have tried probably 20 to 25 of the different recipes. There has not been one that I wasn't happy with. Genuinely, you're not failing out there at healthy eating. You're failing at having three extra hours a night to meal prep. And chef made meals so delicious. What? I just had like a burger with some gouda cheese last night. It was unbelievable. Head to factor meals.com ballers50OFF and use the code BALLERS50OFF to get 50% off your first Factor box plus free breakfast for one year. Offer only valid for new factor customers with code and qualifying auto renewing subscription purchase. Make healthier eating easy with factor.
Andy
Highway to spell.
Jason
Well, well.
Mike
Josh, you're not moving. What is happening?
Jason
Switch your spot. We're not letting you cheat.
Mike
Thank you.
Jason
We know you cheat.
Andy
Thank you, thank you.
Mike
Also, Matt, I need you to keep an eye on his computer.
Jason
Yeah, he might be Googling stuff.
Mike
My trust.
Andy
Watch his hands.
Jason
I'm so.
Andy
Watch his hand.
Mike
Yeah. Hands behind your back.
Andy
Yeah. Tie his hands.
Jason
So excited about this because.
Andy
Oh, he's closing his laptop. Okay, good.
Jason
All right, we've got Highway Distress.
Mike
So, you know, there is risk.
Jason
Yeah, there's risk here. I know. I know there is.
Andy
Not to me.
Jason
I'm. To me.
Andy
No, not to.
Mike
No, no, no, no to me. No, no, no. It's all you, bro.
Andy
Check this out. How do you spell bingo? D. Oh, I'm out. I really just don't want to go out in the first round.
Jason
I had cocktails at lunch. I'm in big trouble.
Andy
I really don't want to go out in the first round.
Jason
We are playing highway to Spell with special guest Papa Joss over there in Deucer's Alley.
Andy
Oh, yay.
Jason
Because we. There's nothing more.
Andy
Oh, no. Oh, the people.
Mike
The people hate it.
Commercial Announcer
Wow.
Andy
I thought they would applause you.
Jason
I want to be. I want to be fair.
Mike
I thought they would applause you.
Andy
The button says applause, and I hit the one next to it. The.
Jason
The people need to understand there's nothing sweeter than Josh being wrong in this office.
Mike
That's.
Jason
It's the sweetest fruit off of the sweetest tree.
Andy
Ask yourself why that is, though.
Jason
You're loud.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
Yeah. No, that is.
Jason
And wrong sometimes also, you're my.
Mike
I can answer.
Andy
I can answer what you're actually wanting me to answer, which is because you think you're always right. Not always.
Jason
Not always.
Mike
You do. You think always.
Jason
Where do you guys want Josh to go? In the order. I think he goes last.
Andy
Okay.
Mike
All right. Your cleanup.
Jason
So he's risky as well, but. Yeah, Mike can start or I can.
Andy
We usually go. Andy. Mike.
Jason
Jason.
Mike
All right, let's go.
Jason
Andy. What grade are we in? We are starting in the fifth grade. All right. I feel bad about that.
Andy
I wish we were third.
Jason
Here's your fifth grade level word, Andy. Amendment.
Andy
Oh, I started with it.
Jason
M A M E N D. M E N T. Amendment.
Andy
Mendment. America.
Mike
M U R I C A.
Jason
All right, Mike. Mike is in fifth grade, too. Here you go.
Andy
I do miss this game.
Jason
I miss this game.
Andy
You miss this game because you're okay.
Mike
I hate this game.
Jason
Oh, I love it. Andy is the returning champ.
Mike
Oh, really?
Jason
That's true.
Andy
Probably five out of seven. Oh, come on.
Jason
Here's your fifth.
Andy
It's a fifth grade level word.
Jason
Represent.
Mike
R, E, P, R, E, S, E, N, T.
Andy
You give him the ice.
Mike
Did I scare you at all?
Andy
You did.
Jason
I know because. Because you went real quick.
Mike
No, because at the end, when it's an E and an A, like, I just. I literally. I just misspelled something on. On Twitter.
Jason
Yes.
Mike
I misspelled devastating. Because people. Cuz I.
Andy
Because of how you say.
Mike
Because it's devastating.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
Let me give you a hot tip for spelling.
Andy
Yes.
Jason
Go with the first impression. Go with your. Forgot.
Andy
All right.
Jason
Go. Right away. Don't overthink it.
Andy
All right, I'm gonna. If you overthink it, I'm gonna spell.
Jason
It so quickly, you start pronouncing it everywhere in your head. All right, Jason, Here is your 5th.
Andy
Grade level word dictionary. Oh, that's easy. All right, that's D, I, C, T, I, O, N, A, R, Y. So fast.
Mike
Swish.
Andy
Thank you, Andy.
Jason
This is a big moment, guys.
Andy
All right, Papa. Josh, I'm so nervous right now. Yeah. This game sucks.
Mike
Oh, man.
Andy
Yeah. When you're on the clock, it's all different.
Jason
All right, Josh, here's your fifth grade level word.
Andy
Syllable. Yeah.
Jason
Okay. S, Y, L, L, A, B, L, E. Syllable.
Mike
Yeah, right.
Jason
All right. All right.
Mike
Two L's.
Andy
Yeah. Oh, I would have gone down. No way.
Mike
I had it right.
Andy
Wow. I had it right, too. It's so with your gut and.
Jason
Oh, man. Yeah. I would have gone. Andy's face. It's all right. So excited. I thought he was out. All right. Am I back? Sixth grade back. All right, your sixth grade level word. This game's great.
Andy
Encyclopedia.
Jason
Oh, crap.
Mike
What?
Jason
E, N, C, Y, C, L, O, P, E, D, I, A. Encyclopedia.
Andy
Okay. I would have got that right.
Mike
That one, it, like. At least it's.
Jason
It's long, but it works.
Mike
What matters is it smells like it sounds exactly. It's just when there's, like, syllable, there's two L's. Why? I don't know.
Andy
We put an extra one in there.
Jason
Yeah, I mean, it totally wouldn't have got me, but. Mike, you're up. Mike, here's your sixth grade level word. Cooperation.
Andy
All right.
Jason
We're doing okay.
Mike
Cooperation. We're doing okay here. C, O, O, P, E, R, A, T, I, O, N. Cooperation.
Jason
Nailed it, brother.
Andy
I have it all Right.
Mike
We would have all operation.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
Jason, here is your sixth grade.
Andy
I'm going so fast. Jeremy. All right. Ambulance.
Mike
Ooh, ambulance.
Andy
Don't say it like that.
Mike
Ambulance.
Andy
I'm just going. I don't. This looks maybe right. I said I'm going fast. A, M, B, U, L, A, N, C, E, O.
Mike
I wasn't sure it sounded funny.
Jason
Yeah.
Mike
How did you spell that?
Jason
With an ence. Right.
Andy
No, no, you went.
Jason
Did you go A and C. Oh, okay.
Mike
Ambulance. See, that one might have got me. I don't know. Ambulance.
Andy
Ambulance.
Mike
Ambulance.
Jason
Papa Josh, here is your sixth grade level.
Andy
Sixth grade.
Commercial Announcer
Calendar.
Andy
That was 100.
Mike
Oh, that's an impossible word.
Andy
C, A, L, E, N, D, A, R. Calendar.
Mike
That's calendar. Gets me.
Jason
Why?
Andy
That gets me.
Jason
Because you go cal and dur.
Mike
Yeah. Calendar.
Jason
A, L, E, N, D, R. Calendar.
Andy
That's how it's spelled.
Mike
Say it. No. Say the word.
Andy
Calendar.
Mike
Yeah, that's just how it's spelled. No, Calander.
Andy
There's a. No, Calendar. No one says calendar.
Mike
Calendar.
Jason
Calendar.
Andy
Calendar. There could only be one. That's what I was hearing.
Mike
That's what it's. Calendar. I am calendar.
Jason
All right, everybody to the seventh. Seventh grade.
Mike
All right, Talon definitely has two E's.
Jason
Let's go. Here's your seventh grade level word.
Andy
Laboratory.
Jason
Uh oh. Uh oh.
Andy
I went fast. I think I got it. I like this go fast thing.
Jason
Now I'm doing the opposite of what I said. All right. L, A, B, R, A T, O, R, Y.
Andy
That's how I spelled it.
Mike
Oh, it's laboratory.
Andy
Guys. Laboratory.
Mike
Laboratory Man.
Andy
Going fast is an idiotic move.
Mike
You went laboratory. You spelled it like it sounds. What an idiot.
Jason
Papa Josh is a.
Andy
Well, I guess he could still lose his laboratory. You might not say he officially. We needed Andy in this because we cannot. We can't let old man win.
Mike
Don't worry.
Jason
Speed legitimately hurt me there.
Mike
Nope.
Andy
But you took a long time.
Mike
No, it's because you're right.
Jason
Laboratory.
Mike
Because we spell it or we say it. Laboratory.
Jason
I feel like I got set up. All right, Mike, your turn.
Mike
Laboratory.
Jason
Mike, here is your seventh grade level word.
Andy
Labradoodle. Imaginary. Oh, come on.
Jason
I'm out. I can't believe I'm out. I suck.
Mike
Imagine. Imaginary. I M, A, G, I, N, A, R, Y. All right, no problem. Laboratory.
Jason
Jason, here is your seventh grade level word.
Andy
Seventh grade.
Commercial Announcer
Heroic.
Mike
Uh oh. Is that easy or is it not?
Andy
I'll tell you in one second. H E, R, O I, C. All right, it's easy.
Mike
It was Very easy.
Andy
Unless that button sounded different and then was very hard.
Jason
And Josh, here is your seventh grade level word bulletin.
Andy
Isn't it, Andy? No, he's. Oh, that's right.
Mike
He's. Okay.
Andy
Forgot about that. What was the word? Wait, wait, wait. What was the word? Bulletin? B, U, L, L, E, T, I, N. Bulletin.
Mike
Okay. All right, the winners are moving on.
Andy
Man, we are so many grades. How you doing over there, Andy?
Mike
I told you there was a risk.
Andy
How you doing there, man? He was held back.
Mike
Josh, did you have.
Jason
Why did I get laboratory?
Andy
I've written everyone.
Mike
Did you have Laboratory?
Andy
I did. Yep. All right, you got laboratory.
Jason
All right, Mike. All right, your eighth grade level word.
Andy
Get it?
Commercial Announcer
Dialogue.
Mike
Oh, that's not a good one.
Andy
I feel like I know that one.
Mike
No, no, there's funny letters in there. D, I, A, L, O, G, U, E.
Andy
Yeah, thank goodness.
Jason
I don't want to.
Mike
No, there's funny letters. I know.
Andy
The gue is. Is weird.
Mike
It's funny.
Andy
It's funny. But when you know funny.
Jason
I don't want to be here anymore.
Andy
Yeah. Welcome to my life. Usually in this.
Jason
Have I ever been bounced this early?
Andy
Not.
Mike
I don't think.
Jason
I don't think so.
Andy
Seventh grade.
Jason
Gosh, I'm going to start doing my taxes. Don't go on.
Andy
All right, let me. Let me graduate middle school here.
Jason
All right, here's your eighth grade level word.
Andy
Accommodate. Oh, no.
Jason
Who cares?
Mike
You were so happy to be sad right now. Dude, I can't even tell you.
Andy
You could take a recess with the rest of the seventh graders.
Mike
Oh, you're right.
Andy
I'll say that one one more time. Accommodate.
Mike
I see multiple versions. We're up to three. We're up to three spellings. We're up to four.
Jason
We've abandoned the quick approach.
Andy
I'm writing quick. I guess I'll go with my first option, which I'm sure will hold me back from high school. Accommodate. A, C, C, O, M, O, D.
Mike
A, T, E.
Andy
It's an I.
Mike
It's an I, you idiot.
Andy
I have four words.
Jason
There's no I.
Mike
There's no I.
Andy
He had it perfectly with that A.
Jason
Instead of the O, right?
Andy
Nope, not that either.
Jason
Oh, man.
Andy
There's two M's in the middle. So that was my second one.
Mike
There's two M's.
Andy
But my second one, I had one C. I was like, is there one C and two M's? Two C's and two M's. That was my last word. My fourth try was two season two.
Jason
Mike, you're the only thing between Josh and you're telling.
Andy
Torture, for the record. So you're telling me Mike and Andy both would have got that wrong. And. Oh, and Josh would have got that. I would have got that wrong giving me the hard ones. Jeremy, you know, I'm the stupid one here.
Mike
It's random accommodation.
Andy
Don't make it random.
Mike
Papa Josh sees two M's and an.
Jason
A and three Z's. All right, Josh, Josh, here's your eighth grade level word.
Mike
Get him, Mike.
Jason
It's all you.
Andy
Pseudonym.
Jason
Yes.
Mike
You're toast. No way.
Jason
He might be toast. I feel like he probably knows.
Andy
P, S, E, U, D, O, N, Y, M. Pseudonym.
Jason
Crap. That's right.
Mike
No, there's a.
Jason
That's right.
Mike
Wait.
Andy
That's right. He's here to play.
Mike
Hold on, hold on. Pseudo. You're telling me there's no. Okay, yeah.
Andy
Okay.
Mike
I thought there was an extra N.
Andy
At the end, so I just realized why. Papa Josh is good at this. We grew up with computers, right? You know what I mean? Like.
Jason
Oh, this is like.
Andy
We had the squiggly red hieroglyphics and he actually had to learn how to write.
Mike
No, he didn't, because he got accommodate wrong.
Andy
Okay, well, you're. You're still in it. We're in high school. Where we at?
Jason
Jerry, we are in the ninth grade.
Andy
And Mike, here is your word. Freshman year. Vulnerable. You got this, Mike. The whole world is rooting.
Jason
Yeah.
Mike
This is vulnerable. V, U, L, N, E, R, A, B, L, E, V. Thank goodness.
Jason
Thank goodness. Not that I'm.
Andy
Everyone got accommodate wrong. Let's not lose sight of that at the end. Two season, two M's and an A.
Mike
I mean, what's that about?
Jason
All right, Josh, Here is your 9th grade level word.
Commercial Announcer
Austerity.
Andy
Yeah. Okay.
Jason
I don't know what that word is.
Andy
It's austerity.
Jason
Austerity.
Andy
O, S, T, E, R, I, T.
Jason
Y.
Andy
Oh, he was so quick and so wrong. That's it. It starts with au.
Mike
Oh, get wrecked.
Jason
Get wrecked. You just tried to spell ostrich.
Andy
Oh, get wrecked. He was so confident.
Jason
Oh, this is a big.
Mike
Don't even ask me that. I thought the word was posterity, but we're moving on.
Jason
He would have gone po.
Mike
I would have had him say it again.
Jason
Not a bad showing, Papa Josh.
Andy
Thank you.
Jason
We appreciate it.
Andy
There was only one bad showing here today.
Jason
It was me and Jason. We'll take a break.
Andy
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Jason
A half million homeowners nationwide.
Andy
For plans starting at just $4.99 a month, go to HomeServe.com that's HomeServe.com not available everywhere. Most plans range between $4.99 to $11.99 a month. Your first year terms apply on covered repairs.
Commercial Announcer
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Jason
Into the draft we go.
Andy
The spitballers draft.
Jason
We are drafting the best ice cream toppings and mixins.
Mike
And I'll be drafting mixins.
Jason
That's fine. That's fine.
Andy
The best mixing.
Jason
I'm going to go with sauces. And the thing is, because I know you guys are mixing guys and you think the only ice cream in the world is from cold stone. No, I know that I can get away with. I gave you multiple. Later on. Here's my problem with mixing.
Andy
We can put mix ins at home and our ninja creamy. We don't need to go anywhere.
Jason
So yes, you have to buy another device.
Andy
And I'm just saying, okay, or go.
Mike
Get a blizzard or go get a McFlurry.
Andy
I got a cold slab at my house.
Mike
Or go get a concrete.
Jason
I mean, I mean cold slab at your. You built out your own self made cold stone. Yeah.
Andy
For sauces and mix.
Jason
Listen, the thing is, how cold is that stone?
Andy
Oh, it's got to be 32 degrees or it's not a cold stone.
Jason
It's just a cool stone.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
The deal is, is that a mixing to me is like it's like the flavor of ice cream already. And we drafted ice cream flavors but who. Doesn't matter.
Mike
No, it's not because I make my own.
Jason
I am going to say with the number one pick because I know I can get stuff later because you won't pick it because you guys are going to pick dumb stuff. I'm going to take whipped cream. I think whipped cream is going to.
Mike
Be my number one pick. Not on the mixing list.
Andy
Not on my list.
Jason
It's toppings.
Andy
Oh, yeah. That's awesome, dude.
Mike
101.
Jason
I hate these guys.
Andy
You like a little bit of fluff on top.
Mike
That's cool, man.
Andy
That's cool.
Jason
That's cool.
Andy
No, let me ask you. Do you eat that and then you eat the ice cream or how do you do. How do you get rid of that crap?
Jason
Never heard of a sundae before. Sundaes don't have mix in.
Andy
I remember those. Those were what they made before they.
Mike
Yeah, the 1950s.
Andy
Oh, they loved whipped cre.
Mike
They had the huge cars.
Jason
Suckers.
Mike
They're like, let's go get an ice cream sundae.
Andy
You know what he's gonna pick next? A cherry. No, it's called a cherry on top.
Mike
Get out of here. It's not a cherry in the middle.
Andy
I cannot believe that we're getting mixed here.
Jason
You woke up today and decided to attack ice cream toppings in favor of mixing the toppings into it.
Mike
Yes.
Jason
Do you know what happens in your.
Mike
Mouth, you idiots, when they're mixed in? I do. Delicious.
Jason
They get mixed in.
Mike
In your mouth?
Andy
No. When you chew.
Mike
No, but it's about the spoon. You're eating bites.
Andy
You want to know what I enjoy?
Jason
Retire from this show.
Andy
Oh, thank goodness.
Jason
Do you know R e t I R e retire?
Andy
Yeah. Careful with that one. When I get to the end of my ice cream, I still enjoy all my mix. Right, but stop saying it that way. Stop it.
Jason
But.
Mike
Oh, you. You're taking off the table.
Andy
Speaking of.
Mike
Speaking of good mix ins, Jason, Oreos.
Andy
Oreos are a great man.
Mike
They're so good that they made a very specific ice cream just so you could put Oreos in there so that they like.
Andy
So you don't have to mix it.
Jason
In because it's already in there.
Mike
Yeah, but that's only cookies and cream.
Jason
We've already picked those flavors in our ice cream draft.
Andy
A great.
Mike
But what if I want chocolate ice cream with Oreos?
Jason
Tell me you understand my side.
Andy
Understand? Understand. Yeah, exactly. Everyone understands what you're saying. We're just like. We're one. A better experience.
Mike
Yeah, I want customized. I don't want to be limited by your flavors. Give me my own experience.
Andy
Machines. Do you like. Are you like. Man, the analog nature of a fax machine really brought something down, brought us together.
Mike
Not saying that they're not all right, I'm not saying mixins are bad.
Andy
Okay. Mixing. All right. I got two picks.
Mike
Yeah, you do.
Andy
I am so happy here because my two favorite mixins are available. Number one, peanut butter cups. Reese's peanut butter cups.
Mike
Okay.
Andy
Oh, baby.
Mike
Oh, that's a dangerous pick.
Andy
Oh, that is a deliciously dangerous pick.
Mike
Those. Those types are dangerous.
Andy
They don't get too hard.
Mike
Yeah, they do.
Andy
No, no, no, they do. I didn't pick Reese's Pieces. I picked Reese's Cups. Reese's Cups. No, the peanut butter does not. No, you haven't done it.
Jason
Shut up.
Mike
It's still dangerous.
Jason
Listen to me. Jason has no authority in the ice cream game. He can barely eat three scoops of ice cream without his little teeth. Without his teeth hurting his little ice cream. You just want candy. You want ice cream out of it.
Andy
That's right.
Jason
You don't want the ice cream.
Andy
I often, when I go for fro yo, I get the.
Jason
Barely any.
Andy
I get, like, one little squirt of fro yo, and then I it up with candy.
Mike
Ice cream. Commander Andy. Peanut butter cups. They can get too cold.
Jason
Peanut butter cups are not always the best.
Mike
No, thank you.
Andy
You're talking about. We'll get to other ones that are.
Jason
You're chewing the whole cup and you're not getting any ice cream. Which is perfect for you and your baby. Baby teeth.
Andy
Hold on. Timeout.
Jason
You should see him. I eat a pint of ice cream in the. In the. In the.
Mike
I can eat.
Jason
And he goes. I mean, you do cold.
Mike
Josh. This is what you sound like when you're talking.
Andy
Yeah. Just so you know, this is what's funny. Is it sound like him. Andy, right now.
Jason
You do. It's important. I've been checked.
Andy
Andy is basically.
Mike
I need to calm it down.
Andy
You know how both of us, when we get our pints of ice cream on a bad Sunday.
Mike
Yeah. You're like, I'm half of it.
Andy
Like a quarter or a half. And then we put it in the freezer. He's mocking that because by the time we eat a quarter, he has plowed through his. Which is impressive, I will give you that.
Jason
Darn right.
Mike
There's a talent.
Andy
But also, you just want to eat. I will not move on. You're ordering from Reese's cups. Because I know you haven't ordered them. I know that. Because you think they get too hard. They absolutely do not. They 100. It's not up for debate. It's objective. They are perfect on the inside. I don't.
Mike
I think it's sub.
Jason
They absolutely get too hard. If you put a peanut butter cup in the.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
In the freezer. It gets hard.
Andy
Yes, it does. What does it made out of? Freezer ice cream. It's made out of freezer. Yeah. All right, my next one. I can't even tell what side Mike's.
Mike
On from moment to moment.
Jason
He went from my side to Jason's side instantaneously.
Mike
Wild card, baby.
Andy
All right, my second pick, which is just as good as my great first pick, is a brownie.
Mike
Brownies. That's fine.
Andy
Oh, mix it in. Especially if it's a hot.
Jason
You don't know how much you don't like ice cream. I just. You don't understand how much you dislike ice cream. I do understand. You're not ordering accents to your ice cream. You're ordering individual desserts, not ice cream.
Andy
So he wants accents, I want upgrades. Oh, no. Oh, mine is better right now.
Jason
Chocolate cake.
Andy
Is that your pick? That's Andy's pick.
Mike
I'm not on the clock.
Andy
Which no one has ever put in their ice cream before.
Mike
Okay. So I am on the clock. So I got Oreo cookies. What's going on? Knuckle crack.
Andy
Crack my nuts.
Mike
Really predominant.
Andy
I didn't want to mute that button. That's what I chose.
Mike
Oh, man. I don't know what grandpa's gonna pick. Probably sprinkles. So I'll just leave. Those sprinkles are great.
Andy
Yeah, he's definitely taking. He got whipped cream.
Mike
I will take sprinkles.
Andy
Oh, man. Leave it. If you don't. If you don't take sprinkles, I'm taking it. Sprinkles. Oh, yes.
Jason
The people out there that. People out there that understand ice cream will be with me. The people who just want to eat a candy bar will be with you, and that's fine.
Andy
The poll will say where people stand.
Jason
This is why you needed mix ins. Because you don't like ice cream.
Andy
Because I love Good.
Jason
You don't like ice cream.
Mike
I got a little worried you were gonna go there, but you ended up going cups. Oh, I'm just peanut butter. Oh, I'm just a peanut butter man.
Andy
Great. That's a good mix.
Jason
Peanut butter.
Mike
Such a good mix.
Jason
Peanut butter.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
Just peanut butter.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
Idiot.
Mike
Oh, my.
Andy
Idiot. Andy lives in the 19th century.
Jason
It's not in the serious.
Andy
In the 1950s. Peanut butter.
Mike
Yeah, brother. Peanut butter, brother.
Jason
Just peanut butter.
Andy
And your ice cream. It's great.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
I mean, I went chocolate and peanut butter.
Jason
I'm going to Rip my shirt off right now and punch the earth into outer space. Peanut butter.
Mike
We're in outer space. But also, I feel like I could go to.
Jason
To.
Andy
I can't wait for him to draft sprinkles and strawberries.
Jason
Never been to a place on this planet where people, like, put some freaking regular peanut butter in my ice cream.
Andy
You've never been to Cold Stone?
Mike
That's crazy, brother. Let me take you to Cold Stone and give you my order.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
And I want you to eat it and you can tell me.
Jason
I'm sure they kick you out.
Mike
Well, I have to pay first.
Andy
Yeah, they kick him out if he, like, makes a scene.
Mike
Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, hat boy, let's go. Sprinkles.
Andy
Yeah, Sprinkles.
Mike
And then his next pick.
Jason
He's difficult to describe.
Andy
My sprinkles and strawberries and then. Mike, you're back on the clock.
Jason
Sometimes you build. Build relationships with people and you don't know who they are for 20 years. And then you get to a show like today.
Andy
But we realized we knew exactly who you were. Just take your sprinkles.
Mike
Sprinkles.
Andy
It's up.
Jason
Sprinkles.
Andy
You could say the word. You do what the heart wants. I'm taking.
Jason
I'm taking sprinkles. I'm taking caramel.
Andy
Okay.
Jason
I'm taking caramel.
Andy
All right.
Jason
Okay.
Mike
Who in the world puts caramel in their ice cream? Trying to be me. Yeah.
Jason
You could never be me.
Mike
I would never want.
Andy
It would be pretty easy to pretend.
Mike
I'd be a bad speller.
Jason
Reese's Pieces.
Mike
Oh, of Reese's piece.
Andy
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Mike
You were joking on the cups.
Andy
I've got Reese's Cups. That is such an upgrade over Reese's.
Mike
This is what your teeth are on the top, brother. This is why your teeth are broken.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
Cuz you put Reese's Pieces in the freezer.
Andy
Oh, man.
Jason
No, I don't. They're a topping. They're a topping. They are room temperature when they're put upon my ice cream.
Andy
Owl, can you. Because I can't remember. What is. What is the. What is the name of this draft? Just so I can remember.
Jason
Best ice cream toppings and mixes.
Andy
Mix. Okay, so.
Jason
I can't believe you just pronounced it that way.
Mike
Because he likes sauces and mixes.
Andy
You've got caramel, we got mixians.
Mike
Caramel could be a mixian.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
I don't.
Andy
Or a sauce.
Jason
I would murder you if I thought a judge would find this forgivable. I doubt he Would.
Mike
No. Because then you'd be like, sir sprinkles. And they're like, it. Go to jail.
Andy
Yeah.
Jason
You're not cool because you eat a candy bar in. You're. One of you two is picking. Freaking.
Mike
I'm back up.
Jason
Gummy worms. One of you two is a gummy worm.
Mike
Way too hard.
Jason
You both seem like a gummy worm guy. Seem like gummy worm guys.
Andy
You know nothing about ice cream.
Jason
That's Al. You're the gummy worm guy. Gummy worms in the ice cream. Did you just hear this?
Andy
Yeah. How do you feel now?
Jason
We don't live in a civilized society.
Mike
We have directed our outrage at the wrong people.
Jason
You want me to redirect gummy bears? No, no, no. Not gummy bears. Gummy worms.
Andy
Either one.
Jason
At least a gummy bear you can put in your mouth without having to eat it separately.
Andy
If you use it as an inferior topping, then it's okay because you just eat them. It is a topping. Yeah. You don't want that as a meaningful bear.
Jason
Oh, my gosh. You like that.
Mike
But that's not a topping. You're just. Just go to the candy store.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
Am I up?
Jason
Yeah.
Mike
Fudge. Thank you.
Jason
Okay, so now he's willing to get. Now the 1950s are okay with it.
Andy
No, you can mix that in.
Mike
Yeah. You know what I took first? Peanut butter.
Jason
He took fudge, but he did not get hot fudge. He has cold fudge.
Mike
Because once it goes into a mix, it is not a hot thing.
Jason
I don't want.
Mike
I'm not trying to melt my ice cream.
Jason
I hate you.
Mike
I'm trying to enjoy it so much.
Jason
I want you both to be unsuccessful in life.
Mike
They're sold lots.
Andy
Yeah. We're our goal here.
Mike
Our goal.
Andy
And it's not yours, but our goal is to have the best end product.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
You're not getting the best end product. Putting cold fudge mixed in fudge belongs on top. So you get warm fudge in every bite.
Mike
I'm gonna bring you. I'm bringing you to cold stone, my guy. Hashtag.
Jason
Oh, my gosh. Cold stone is not ice cream. What?
Mike
What would you define it as?
Andy
Breyers is not ice cream.
Mike
What is ice cream?
Andy
Only vanilla Breyers is ice cream.
Jason
Cold stone is its own thing. What's on dessert category?
Mike
When you say ice cream, what are you talking about?
Andy
Yeah. What do you mean? Because. Tell me the difference between. Tell me the difference between that you love handles here.
Mike
Yeah.
Jason
And what a massive difference between the.
Mike
Two because of all the toppings that they mix in.
Jason
First of all, I will not speak.
Mike
To you again if you say that to me.
Jason
Second of all, cold stone has, like, a different texture to it. I'm not saying it's not good. It's like you go to the store, and there's a dairy dessert. It's not ice cream. That's what all the Breyers do now. They do dairy desserts because they're different. Cold stone's, like, this really gummier flavored, buttery ice cream thing. It's not normal ice cream.
Mike
So who's normal ice cream?
Jason
Normal ice cream is handles. Actually, Baskin Robbins is normal ice cream. That's your best example of real ice cream.
Andy
I can't tell the difference between. Well, obviously you can't.
Jason
You're jamming all this crap into your ice cream. You can't taste the ice cream because you're eating a Snickers bar Instead.
Andy
Because I am drafting the best mixins. First off, you're Richard Mixian. First off, I'm taking cookie dough.
Mike
Oh, that's a good pick.
Andy
I'm taking cookie dough. The best Nixon.
Mike
That's a good pick.
Jason
All your picks are just ice cream flavors.
Andy
No, they're not.
Jason
Yes, they are.
Andy
No, they're not. You had a peanut butter cup ice cream flavor. Yes, of course there's peanut butter. Yes, there is. Reese's. Shut up. Reese's makes them, but they're mix ins. They're mixed in.
Jason
I blame Jeremy for this because he made this draft idea, and then the last one you guys added mixing.
Mike
We're doing great.
Andy
Hey, you'll be happy with the last one for me, because while I do prefer it mixed in, some people just prefer it on top. And it's marshmallow cream. I love what that does to ice cream. It makes the texture.
Jason
Did you say you're mixing that in?
Andy
I like it mixed in. Yeah, with brownie, dude.
Mike
All right.
Jason
Brown marshmallow cream is great, but it's great as a.
Andy
No, no, You. I want to affect the texture of all of the ice cream. If you put a brownie and marshmallow cream and you do the mixing, then it's gonna be so good.
Jason
The texture is great. Jason, I like you.
Andy
Thank you.
Jason
Respectfully, jam an ice pick in your eye.
Andy
Oh, man. Jam it into your eye. I just had an ice pick last night.
Jason
I just. Honestly, marshmallow cream's a great pick.
Andy
Thank you. That's it. I am out of fix.
Mike
All right, so I got one more. I mean, honestly, I already did it.
Jason
I'm not going to the rest of my day.
Mike
I've already completed your birthday. Yeah. Like, you go with a sweet cream base, and you put those three things in there.
Andy
Take his sprinkles. Yeah, but who would want that?
Mike
I'll leave them for him.
Andy
I hope Sprinkles goes undrafted so that him on principal doesn't feel like he's.
Mike
Like, oh, he has to take it. If I don't take it. Imagine the toppings.
Andy
Ice cream toppings draft without sprinkles. Whipped cream and no sprinkles.
Mike
I mean, you know.
Andy
Oh, man.
Mike
An ice cream topping, traditional.
Andy
Don't.
Jason
You could not shame me for making better choices than you.
Andy
Oh, of course.
Mike
You'll know you'll take it.
Andy
We know you will. That's what we're saying. Because you have honor. For toppings.
Mike
Yeah. For toppings. I'm going to take Biscoff cookies.
Andy
Man, I've been on your side the whole time, and then you come out with something crappy like that.
Mike
You never done the Biscoff?
Andy
Biscoff.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
We're not dipping into a coffee.
Jason
I don't know where to go with this.
Mike
Because you've never done it.
Jason
Because that's.
Mike
You're just telling me you've never done it.
Jason
No, it's really good.
Andy
Is it?
Jason
Yeah.
Andy
I have never done it.
Mike
Yeah, I do. From your response, I knew immediately my guy has never done this.
Jason
That's fair.
Andy
But that's how I know you've never put peanut butter cups into your. Okay.
Mike
Cold. It gets too cold.
Andy
No, try it. No, they're really good.
Jason
They're good. They don't belong anywhere near the top 12. They're delicious.
Mike
All right.
Jason
Sprinkles. So delicious. Sprinkles is the pick.
Mike
Yeah, it is.
Jason
Everything I put. Everything I put on mine goes together. It's for people that actually appreciate things.
Andy
In life with a nice vanilla ice cream.
Jason
I don't know why companies market the way they.
Mike
They do.
Andy
Because people like you exist.
Mike
Because we fixed it. We made things better. Yeah, we made it better.
Andy
And it turned out the last episode turns out as more and more people started mixing it in. Oh, God. Their sales went up. Yeah, their sales went up. And people's.
Mike
I mean, new experience.
Andy
Enjoy.
Mike
New brands, new companies were founded.
Andy
Yeah.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
I'm sorry that you're stuck in the 50s.
Mike
Yeah.
Andy
I'm sure that ice cream was delicious.
Mike
Also, does Baskin Robbins have toppings he's gonna be at. They just have 31 flavors. It's already mixed in.
Jason
You asked what real ice cream was.
Mike
Yeah, that sounds like mixed in, right? Am I wrong? Oh, I'm right.
Andy
What did we learn today?
Jason
I have no ability.
Andy
I learned that Papa Josh is a better speller than Andy.
Mike
And I learned I'm a better speller than Papa Josh. Oh, which in so facto.
Andy
What'd you learn today, Andy?
Jason
I have no friends.
Mike
I learned I have no friends. We're going to Cold Stone. I'm getting you. I'm making you my order and you're gonna love it.
Andy
It's delicious.
Mike
Mixes. Goodbye.
Andy
Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. Make their hearts skip a beat this Valentine's Day with edible with same day delivery or local pickup, effortless gifting is.
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Jason
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Date: February 9, 2026
Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason
In this laugh-filled episode, the Spitballers triumvirate battles it out over the ultimate ice cream toppings and mix-ins, revives their infamous “Highway to Spell” spelling showdown (with a special guest from their producer alley), and tackles burning “Would You Rather” questions ranging from alien encounters to hygiene dilemmas. Expect classic Spitballers chaos, some surprising revelations, and the usual barrage of dad-level nonsense.
Timestamps: [01:07]–[02:35]
Timestamps: [07:03]–[15:43]
Timestamps: [15:59]–[18:15]
Timestamps: [21:15]–[24:33]
Timestamps: [24:44]–[27:35]
Timestamps: [30:18]–[42:54]
Timestamps: [44:08]–[61:20]
Timestamps: [61:16]–[61:39]
The Spitballers bring classic, clean humor; lots of exaggerated grumbling, mock outrage, and playful insults fly. Dad jokes abound. The chemistry among the three hosts is familial, irreverent, and welcoming—making for a show that’s funny, lighthearted, and satisfying for the whole family.
If you’re new to the Spitballers, this episode is a perfect sampler platter: you get outrageous hypotheticals, an epic spelling bee (with embarrassing results), and perhaps the most heated argument over ice cream culture you’ll ever hear on a podcast. By the end, you’ll know these three dads—and their dessert loyalties—inside out.