Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: Backwards Sprinting & The Letter “G” Battle Royale – Spit Hits!
Date: January 1, 2026
Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason

Episode Overview

In this uproarious episode, the Spitballers trio dive headfirst into a series of ridiculous “Would You Rather” scenarios, reflect on the honor (or shame) of beating a grandma in pickleball, and host a riotous "Man of the People" polling game. The episode ends with a chaotic and wildly entertaining “Battle Royale Draft,” where the guys each draft the ultimate fighters or characters whose names start with the letter "G." As always, their banter oscillates between sharp wit and gleeful nonsense, making for a genuinely funny, family-friendly listen.

Key Segments and Discussion Points

1. Would You Rather?

[02:17–11:00]

• Prompt from Oscar (Patreon):
  Would you rather:

  • Only be able to walk backwards
  • Or only be able to say 300 words a day?

• Debate Ensues:

  • Mike is gleeful at the prospect of only needing to say 300 words daily:

    “Does it get any better? Can life improve more after that stipulation is placed?” – Mike [02:59]

  • Andy, the chatty one, panics at the idea of word limits, and the hosts clarify the question: 300 words total per day, not just 300 unique words.
  • Jason points out, "It's only like three decent paragraphs… We're quitting our job at that point, or we're shortening the podcast." [03:53]

• Walking Backwards?

  • The guys spiral into an investigation about the world of competitive backwards running, including the record holder Aaron Yoder, whose 100m backwards time is 13.17 seconds and has a sub-6 minute backwards mile.
  • Jason:

    “How insulting is it for you to get beaten by a man running backwards on a mile if you were racing him?” [06:52]

  • Andy is quietly impressed:

    “Dude, I can't run that straight forward… I'm seeing some huge advantages of this walking backwards thing.” [06:08]

  • The group considers the social challenges and unexpected "advantages" of the backwards life, such as perfecting the art of backpedaling or needing specialized rearview glasses.

• Final Verdict:

  • Andy and Jason choose verbal freedom over backwards mobility; Mike (contrarian as usual) relishes a life with less chit-chat.

2. Would You Rather… Be a Jerk to an Elder or Lose to a Kid?

[11:00–15:10]

• Prompt from Gus:
  Would you rather:

  • Routinely beat a 75-year-old at pickleball while yelling “You suck!” after every point,
  • Or lose to a 12-year-old who yells “You suck!” after every winning point?

• Reactions:

  • Mike and Andy: Not only would they gleefully destroy the elder, but they’d trash talk with gusto.

    “Grandpa, I’m going to show you that I’m not giving you special treatment, gramps.” – Andy [11:41] “If you’re 75, there’s a chance I kill you in this match, Gramps.” – Jason [15:01]

  • Jason objects, citing his “deep, deep sense of respect for elders,” preferring humiliation from a child instead.

  • Hilarious debate about dignity, competitive spirit, and generational revenge ensues, complete with fake war stories and mock-honor.

3. Would You Rather… Porta-Potties vs. Moving Furniture?

[15:18–21:39]

• Prompt from Finn:
  Would you rather work 5 hours a day cleaning porta-potties, or 10 hours a day as a professional mover (for the same pay)?
• Arguments:
  • Andy, having recently hired diverse movers, marvels at the stamina (and surprising body diversity) of moving crews:

    “There are some big fatties… This was not, like, ‘I’m overweight.’ He’s a big fatty. I can’t believe this guy has a job moving furniture.” [16:08]

  • Despite sharing actual admiration, he and the others mostly conclude: 10-hour moving days are brutal for the body.
• Porta-Potty Details:
  • The hosts agonize over technicalities (what tools are allowed, safety gear, etc.), but most settle on the porta-potty job—as long as it’s not more hours than moving.

    “You're not dumping toilet... You're just cleaning the inside.” – Jason [18:33]

4. Man of the People – Polling Game

[24:05–33:31]

• Game Explained:
  Al runs a Family-Feud-style quiz: 100 people answer, and the hosts guess the most popular response for each round.

  • Points: 3 for #1 answer, 2 for #2, 1 for others. Final round is double points.

• Sample Questions, Memorable Exchanges:

  • Item people wear to the beach (besides swimsuit):

    • Flip flops (#1), sunglasses (#2), sunscreen (#3) – The guys crush it, nailing all top picks. [24:55]

  • Heaviest grocery item:

    • Watermelon (#1) is the most popular, despite Andy’s disbelief that potatoes aren’t heavier. [25:52]

  • Where it’s rude to laugh:

    • Funeral (#1), church, library, hospital… Mike’s accidental phrasing, “a very serious play”, lands exactly as a listed answer, causing uproarious laughter. [27:23]

  • Task both wives and moms assign:

    • “Clean up after yourself,” “take out the garbage,” “wash the dishes”—more top threes and general 'dad-life' admissions. [29:09]

  • What gets thrown?

    • Ball, frisbee, tantrum—Andy tries “insults,” marking the first miss of the game. [31:06]

  • Final round – U.S. cities that start with “B”:

    • Jason impulsively shouts “Boise,” missing “Boston” (the #1 answer) to the delight—and mockery—of his friends.

      “Why did I go Boise?” – Andy [32:28]

• Final Outcome:

  • Andy is crowned "Man of the People," his second consecutive win.

5. The Spitballers Draft: G Battle Royale

[34:54–47:55]

• Premise:
  Each drafts four fighters/characters beginning with 'G,' sending them into an imaginary coliseum for combat. Picks can be people, animals, or fictional characters.

Draft Round Highlights

• Jason’s top pick:
  • Gandalf – “I need myself a wizard.” [36:07]
• Mike:
  • Genie – “The Genie’s back!” [36:25]
  • Galactus (Marvel comics cosmic villain) – “He could—Godzilla’s an ant.” [41:15]
  • Goku & Gohan (Dragon Ball anime)
• Andy:
  • Godzilla (“I’ve got the size & the tail…”), [37:01]
  • Green Lantern (“He can do anything he imagines, except sell tickets.” – Jason [38:22])
  • Ginny Weasley (“A powerhouse!”) [44:59]
  • Ghostface (Scream) (“He’ll stab you to death!”) [46:45]
• Jason’s Later Picks:
  • Grizzly bear, Goliath, and, in comedic defeat, George Costanza

Notable Exchanges & Quotes

• On Green Lantern’s powers:

  “Are there limitations on that? Because I feel like I’ve seen a Green Lantern do something with projectiles… As long as you’re wearing the ring, you can…” – Mike [38:24] “He can do anything he imagines. Except for sell tickets.” – Jason [38:26]

• Mike’s comic book knowledge prompts mockery; Andy literally drafts Ginny Weasley as a “sensational powerhouse,” leading to hilarious pushback. [44:59]
• The absurdity peaks with picks like Ghostface and George Costanza, with Jason declaring:

  “This is the worst.” [47:31]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Backwards Running:

  “If you can run a 5 minute and 54 second mile, you can participate in like marathons backwards and just make everyone feel horrible.” – Jason [07:53]

• On Beating Elders in Pickleball:

  “There’s a reason he made it to 75.” – Andy [14:59]
  “If you’re 75, there’s a chance I kill you in this match, Gramps.” – Jason [15:01]

• On the Draft:

  “I need myself a wizard. So I’m going Gandalf.” – Jason [36:07]
  “Godzilla... I got the size and the tail…” – Andy [37:01]
  “He can do anything he imagines. Except for sell tickets.” – Jason on Green Lantern [38:26]
  “Dude, that’s a pick, man. That is a pick.” – Andy on Galactus [41:51]
  “I’ll just take a goose.” – Jason, giving up [47:22]

• On Game Show Logic:

  “Why did I go Boise?” – Andy, regretting the misfire [32:28]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 02:17 – Would You Rather: Talk less vs. walk backwards
• 11:00 – Would You Rather: Pickleball shame—elderly vs. children
• 15:18 – Would You Rather: Porta-potty vs. moving crew
• 24:05 – Man of the People polling game begins
• 34:54 – Spitballers Draft: Battle Royale (Letter "G")

Tone and Humor

• The hosts’ tone is playfully combative, endlessly self-deprecating, and loaded with inside jokes and references to “Dad life.” There’s an undercurrent of childlike glee as they take absurd premises seriously (and serious premises absurdly).

• Much of the humor is in the banter, the tangents (e.g., on the physique of professional movers, the oddness of backwards running records), and the escalating ridiculousness of the draft picks.

Conclusion

This episode is a quintessential Spitballers blend of wild hypotheticals, competitive game-show shenanigans, and a final draft that swerves between pop culture, myth, and absurdity. Whether it’s debating the virtues of backwards movement, the etiquette of beating up elders, or the logic of pitting Godzilla against George Costanza, the chemistry and improvisational comedy of the Spitballers is in top form.

Best for: Fans needing a hearty laugh, families seeking clean chaos, and anyone who’s ever wondered how Gandalf might stack up against Godzilla and Ginny Weasley.