Spitballers Comedy Podcast
Episode: Bonus Teeth & Businesses We Miss - Spit Hits!
Date: April 10, 2025
Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason
Episode Overview
In this hilarious, nostalgia-filled episode, Andy, Mike, and Jason reflect on businesses from their youth that have disappeared, answer some delightfully absurd "Would You Rather" scenarios, and engage in classic Spitballers banter. The award-winning trio also flex their comedic muscles on the finer points of shame, useless superpowers, and debates over teeth math—all with their signature family-friendly, dad-joke flair.
Key Segments & Discussion Points
1. Warmup & Banter
Timestamp: 01:13–03:38
- The team jokes about their familiar "bingy dingy" catchphrases and muscle-memory podcast rituals.
- Jason reminds everyone they've recorded nearly 300 episodes, marveling at how time has flown and encouraging listeners to spread the word—joking about a "chain letter" style of podcast sharing.
2. Would You Rather
Timestamp: 04:03–25:05
Password-Protected Appliances
- Prompt: Would you rather have to enter a password (with 2FA) to use your refrigerator, or your toilet?
- Overwhelming Consensus: Fridge! No one wants to risk an accident at the toilet due to a forgotten code.
- Andy: “If there was a password and a 2FA on that fridge, that's an upgrade for my life.” (05:19)
- Mike: "I have never in my life ran to my fridge with my pants already getting primed to be removed." (05:01)
- They riff on the idea of password-protecting the TV remote as an entertainment analogy.
- Jason shares his story about putting a parental password on his own TV at 19 to limit himself to 2 hours TV per day—he lasted six months!
- Jason: “I think I got a hold of that master code. I think it was like six months.” (08:12)
Shame vs. Accountability
- They debate whether public accountability tools really help or are just shame in disguise.
- Jason: “What if your daily caloric intake was a digital sign around your neck?” (11:04)
- Andy: “I think the accountability in this example is entirely shame, right?” (11:28)
- Jason: “No, I don’t think so… it’s genuinely healthier for human beings.” (11:39)
- The discussion pivots to food, self-control, and what would happen if every pantry entry triggered a social alert.
Restroom Walk-of-Shame vs. Highway Breakdown
- Prompt: Would you rather have your car break down on the highway during rush hour, or tie up a single restroom at a fancy restaurant for 30 minutes (emerging to an angry line)?
- Mike and Jason prefer the bathroom embarrassment to the highway breakdown, riffing on Ace Ventura references and how to respond to impatient knocks.
- Andy: “If I’m one of those persons standing there waiting, I am going to laser beam taking this thing that emerges from the bathroom… I am death, staring them down and judging them like crazy.” (17:06)
- Jason: "Everybody has a bad day at the office." (17:43)
- Mike: “No matter what, I’m taking that one.” (18:57)
Santa Claus vs. Tooth Fairy
- Prompt: Would you rather be Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy?
- The debate unpacks Tooth Fairy lore, the daily grind vs. Santa's one-day workload, and some surprising oral biology.
- Andy: “This is like, do you want to be Michael Jordan or LeBron James… Tooth Fairy is a lower tier.” (21:15)
- Mike: “The tooth fairy is working very hard every single day. Where Santa, I mean, he’s up there managing things.” (21:57)
- They calculate how many baby teeth kids lose—Jason reveals it's 20 (after comically high guesses).
- Jason: “20 teeth.” (23:40)
- Andy: “So I made a shark mouth.” (23:45)
- Jason explains some people have an odd number due to wisdom teeth: “I did have an odd number of teeth.” (28:17)
3. Situation Room
Timestamp: 27:42–36:00
Nobel Prize Mix-Up: Invent a Law of Physics
Each host invents a nonsensical new law:
- Temporal Elasticity (Andy): “The tightness of your skin... is completely temporary, man.”
- Light Speed Deceleration (Jason): “As many pairs of sunglasses that you can put on slows the speed down.”
- Inverse Gravitational Repulsion (Mike): “Once mass gets to a certain size, our understanding of gravity and relativity breaks… it would repel into outer space.”
Surprise Dinner with Girlfriend’s Parents
- “You show up and are introduced as a world-renowned chef—what do you cook?”
- Andy: “Chicken parm[esan],’’ and carbonara pasta.
- Jason: “I could offer to grill some burgers out back.”
- Mike: “You’re probably getting spaghetti and meatballs. I can make the meatballs, but the sauce and bread are ready for me.” (34:16)
Useless Superpowers
Pick your curse:
- Butterfingers: Turn anything you touch slippery ("You could never get arrested, no one could handcuff you!")
- Balloon Manipulation: Inflate/deflate balloons at will (“You having fun up there? Not anymore!”)
- Dust Accumulation: Instantly dust up a surface.
- Consensus: Butterfingers is surprisingly powerful: “Like, if even the cops running after you, they slip and fall no matter what.” (37:49)
- Andy: “Honestly, Butterfinger sounds pretty..." (38:08)
4. Spitballers Draft: Businesses We Miss
Timestamp: 41:12–65:38
Each host drafts extinct (or nearly extinct) businesses they remember fondly. The debate is filled with nostalgia, jokes about the Internet age, and mockery of old marketing.
Draft Picks Snapshot
Jason:
- Toys R Us (“It was the ultimate childhood dream… it was literally just physically humongous…”, 42:32)
- Circuit City (great for computers, “nice to browse some place other than Best Buy”, 51:38)
- TCBY (The Country’s Best Yogurt, “It was like a favorite treat spot for my family” 53:03)
- Oshman's (Defunct sports store, “You got to play basketball and in a golf simulator…” 63:43)
Mike:
- Blockbuster (“Blockbuster just gave you a vibe—it was a feeling…", 46:00)
- Radio Shack (“For nerds who needed cables and gadgets…", 50:06)
- EB Games (“You could return a game in a couple days and get all your money back!…", 55:36)
- GameWorks (Mega-arcade with “upstairs retro, downstairs new games, plus a ride in the middle.”, 61:35)
Andy:
- Tower Records (“You’d go and get your CDs or albums…spend time with music.”, 47:15)
- Borders (“I loved Borders. You’d go there late at night with friends, get coffee…and it was great.”, 48:51)
- Sizzler (“When I was growing up, you went to Sizzler for a steak…", 58:19)
- AOL (“It was the world. I’d dial up…You’ve Got Mail!”, 60:15)
Funniest and Most Memorable Moments in the Draft
- Nostalgic musings on staying in Blockbuster for hours, wandering Borders until midnight, video game paper slips at Toys R Us, and playing basketball for free at Oshman’s.
- Andy: “If my vaccines weren’t up to date, I was not going into Kmart.” (66:16)
- Jason: “Mervyn sounds like a muppet’s name. Like Gonzo and Mervyn.” (67:30)
5. Quick Hits, Honorable Mentions, and What We Learned
Timestamp: 65:38–68:00
- List of also-rans: CompUSA, Sharper Image, DeLorean, Napster, Vine, Netscape, Mervyn's, Montgomery Ward, Service Merchandise.
- Andy: "I learned that adults have a bunch of teeth kids don’t have…you gotta have even number of teeth…but you don’t have to, it’s recommended." (67:43)
Notable Quotes
On Password-Protecting Toilets:
Mike: “You can’t lock the toilet, man.” (05:53)
On Shame vs. Accountability:
Jason: “What if your daily caloric intake was a digital sign around your neck?” (11:04)
On Santa vs. the Tooth Fairy:
Andy: “Do you want to be Michael Jordan or LeBron James? Tooth Fairy is a lower tier.” (21:15)
On Oyster-Sized Borders Bookstore:
Andy: “I loved Borders... You’d go there late at night with friends and get the coffee. They were open to like midnight. It was great.” (49:04)
On Blockbuster's Magic:
Mike: “Blockbuster just gave you a vibe. It was a feeling. It was like, this is an entertainment night.” (46:00)
On News about Teeth:
Andy: “So, I made a shark mouth!” (23:45)
On Sizzler's Branding:
Andy: “They had convinced people Sizzler was fine steak dining. Even though you waited in line to order.” (58:46)
Tone & Takeaway
- Tone: Lighthearted, fast-paced, playful nostalgia mixed with Dad-humor.
- Takeaway: The Spitballers blend relatable (and sometimes ridiculous) life questions, deep-dive nostalgia, and genuine connection—reminding us that sometimes the silliest topics conjure the best memories.
Final Lesson:
Jason: “We learned that we’re old.” (67:43)
For more clean, genuinely funny comedy episodes, find the Spitballers Podcast wherever you listen—or stream at spitballerspod.com!