Bonus Teeth & Businesses We Miss - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Summary

Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: Bonus Teeth & Businesses We Miss - Spit Hits!
Date: April 10, 2025
Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason

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Episode Overview

In this hilarious, nostalgia-filled episode, Andy, Mike, and Jason reflect on businesses from their youth that have disappeared, answer some delightfully absurd "Would You Rather" scenarios, and engage in classic Spitballers banter. The award-winning trio also flex their comedic muscles on the finer points of shame, useless superpowers, and debates over teeth math—all with their signature family-friendly, dad-joke flair.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Warmup & Banter

Timestamp: 01:13–03:38

• The team jokes about their familiar "bingy dingy" catchphrases and muscle-memory podcast rituals.
• Jason reminds everyone they've recorded nearly 300 episodes, marveling at how time has flown and encouraging listeners to spread the word—joking about a "chain letter" style of podcast sharing.

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2. Would You Rather

Timestamp: 04:03–25:05

Password-Protected Appliances

• Prompt: Would you rather have to enter a password (with 2FA) to use your refrigerator, or your toilet?
• Overwhelming Consensus: Fridge! No one wants to risk an accident at the toilet due to a forgotten code.
  • Andy: “If there was a password and a 2FA on that fridge, that's an upgrade for my life.” (05:19)
  • Mike: "I have never in my life ran to my fridge with my pants already getting primed to be removed." (05:01)
• They riff on the idea of password-protecting the TV remote as an entertainment analogy.
• Jason shares his story about putting a parental password on his own TV at 19 to limit himself to 2 hours TV per day—he lasted six months!
  • Jason: “I think I got a hold of that master code. I think it was like six months.” (08:12)

Shame vs. Accountability

• They debate whether public accountability tools really help or are just shame in disguise.
  • Jason: “What if your daily caloric intake was a digital sign around your neck?” (11:04)
  • Andy: “I think the accountability in this example is entirely shame, right?” (11:28)
  • Jason: “No, I don’t think so… it’s genuinely healthier for human beings.” (11:39)
• The discussion pivots to food, self-control, and what would happen if every pantry entry triggered a social alert.

Restroom Walk-of-Shame vs. Highway Breakdown

• Prompt: Would you rather have your car break down on the highway during rush hour, or tie up a single restroom at a fancy restaurant for 30 minutes (emerging to an angry line)?
• Mike and Jason prefer the bathroom embarrassment to the highway breakdown, riffing on Ace Ventura references and how to respond to impatient knocks.
  • Andy: “If I’m one of those persons standing there waiting, I am going to laser beam taking this thing that emerges from the bathroom… I am death, staring them down and judging them like crazy.” (17:06)
  • Jason: "Everybody has a bad day at the office." (17:43)
  • Mike: “No matter what, I’m taking that one.” (18:57)

Santa Claus vs. Tooth Fairy

• Prompt: Would you rather be Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy?
• The debate unpacks Tooth Fairy lore, the daily grind vs. Santa's one-day workload, and some surprising oral biology.
  • Andy: “This is like, do you want to be Michael Jordan or LeBron James… Tooth Fairy is a lower tier.” (21:15)
  • Mike: “The tooth fairy is working very hard every single day. Where Santa, I mean, he’s up there managing things.” (21:57)
• They calculate how many baby teeth kids lose—Jason reveals it's 20 (after comically high guesses).
  • Jason: “20 teeth.” (23:40)
  • Andy: “So I made a shark mouth.” (23:45)
  • Jason explains some people have an odd number due to wisdom teeth: “I did have an odd number of teeth.” (28:17)

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3. Situation Room

Timestamp: 27:42–36:00

Nobel Prize Mix-Up: Invent a Law of Physics

Each host invents a nonsensical new law:

• Temporal Elasticity (Andy): “The tightness of your skin... is completely temporary, man.”
• Light Speed Deceleration (Jason): “As many pairs of sunglasses that you can put on slows the speed down.”
• Inverse Gravitational Repulsion (Mike): “Once mass gets to a certain size, our understanding of gravity and relativity breaks… it would repel into outer space.”

Surprise Dinner with Girlfriend’s Parents

• “You show up and are introduced as a world-renowned chef—what do you cook?”
  • Andy: “Chicken parm[esan],’’ and carbonara pasta.
  • Jason: “I could offer to grill some burgers out back.”
  • Mike: “You’re probably getting spaghetti and meatballs. I can make the meatballs, but the sauce and bread are ready for me.” (34:16)

Useless Superpowers

Pick your curse:

• Butterfingers: Turn anything you touch slippery ("You could never get arrested, no one could handcuff you!")
• Balloon Manipulation: Inflate/deflate balloons at will (“You having fun up there? Not anymore!”)
• Dust Accumulation: Instantly dust up a surface.
• Consensus: Butterfingers is surprisingly powerful: “Like, if even the cops running after you, they slip and fall no matter what.” (37:49)
• Andy: “Honestly, Butterfinger sounds pretty..." (38:08)

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4. Spitballers Draft: Businesses We Miss

Timestamp: 41:12–65:38

Each host drafts extinct (or nearly extinct) businesses they remember fondly. The debate is filled with nostalgia, jokes about the Internet age, and mockery of old marketing.

Draft Picks Snapshot

Jason:

• Toys R Us (“It was the ultimate childhood dream… it was literally just physically humongous…”, 42:32)
• Circuit City (great for computers, “nice to browse some place other than Best Buy”, 51:38)
• TCBY (The Country’s Best Yogurt, “It was like a favorite treat spot for my family” 53:03)
• Oshman's (Defunct sports store, “You got to play basketball and in a golf simulator…” 63:43)

Mike:

• Blockbuster (“Blockbuster just gave you a vibe—it was a feeling…", 46:00)
• Radio Shack (“For nerds who needed cables and gadgets…", 50:06)
• EB Games (“You could return a game in a couple days and get all your money back!…", 55:36)
• GameWorks (Mega-arcade with “upstairs retro, downstairs new games, plus a ride in the middle.”, 61:35)

Andy:

• Tower Records (“You’d go and get your CDs or albums…spend time with music.”, 47:15)
• Borders (“I loved Borders. You’d go there late at night with friends, get coffee…and it was great.”, 48:51)
• Sizzler (“When I was growing up, you went to Sizzler for a steak…", 58:19)
• AOL (“It was the world. I’d dial up…You’ve Got Mail!”, 60:15)

Funniest and Most Memorable Moments in the Draft

• Nostalgic musings on staying in Blockbuster for hours, wandering Borders until midnight, video game paper slips at Toys R Us, and playing basketball for free at Oshman’s.
• Andy: “If my vaccines weren’t up to date, I was not going into Kmart.” (66:16)
• Jason: “Mervyn sounds like a muppet’s name. Like Gonzo and Mervyn.” (67:30)

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5. Quick Hits, Honorable Mentions, and What We Learned

Timestamp: 65:38–68:00

• List of also-rans: CompUSA, Sharper Image, DeLorean, Napster, Vine, Netscape, Mervyn's, Montgomery Ward, Service Merchandise.
• Andy: "I learned that adults have a bunch of teeth kids don’t have…you gotta have even number of teeth…but you don’t have to, it’s recommended." (67:43)

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Notable Quotes

On Password-Protecting Toilets:
Mike: “You can’t lock the toilet, man.” (05:53)

On Shame vs. Accountability:
Jason: “What if your daily caloric intake was a digital sign around your neck?” (11:04)

On Santa vs. the Tooth Fairy:
Andy: “Do you want to be Michael Jordan or LeBron James? Tooth Fairy is a lower tier.” (21:15)

On Oyster-Sized Borders Bookstore:
Andy: “I loved Borders... You’d go there late at night with friends and get the coffee. They were open to like midnight. It was great.” (49:04)

On Blockbuster's Magic:
Mike: “Blockbuster just gave you a vibe. It was a feeling. It was like, this is an entertainment night.” (46:00)

On News about Teeth:
Andy: “So, I made a shark mouth!” (23:45)

On Sizzler's Branding:
Andy: “They had convinced people Sizzler was fine steak dining. Even though you waited in line to order.” (58:46)

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Tone & Takeaway

• Tone: Lighthearted, fast-paced, playful nostalgia mixed with Dad-humor.
• Takeaway: The Spitballers blend relatable (and sometimes ridiculous) life questions, deep-dive nostalgia, and genuine connection—reminding us that sometimes the silliest topics conjure the best memories.

Final Lesson:
Jason: “We learned that we’re old.” (67:43)

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For more clean, genuinely funny comedy episodes, find the Spitballers Podcast wherever you listen—or stream at spitballerspod.com!

Transcript

[Andy]

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[Andy]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve. It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason.

[Jason]

Oh no. Where'd you go?

[Mike]

I don't know.

[Jason]

Bingy dingy.

[Andy]

Bingy dingy.

[Mike]

I love that it's just over that it is that it is fully a reflex for you now where it really is.

[Jason]

I mean there is no thought.

[Mike]

I think you, you knew where it started.

[Jason]

Yeah, I knew that.

[Mike]

And then it's just like I'm out of things.

[Jason]

Yeah, it's what it auto comes out.

[Mike]

Which is such a weird go to line.

[Jason]

It's just, you know, it's the trajectory I set myself on about 280 shows ago. And we're not gonna miss out on it. And yeah, the beginning. I mean we are drafting businesses that we miss.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

So some of these, some of these businesses, they, well, they went out of business.

[Andy]

It's really sad to me that I had to scat last episode where there was no one on one and now.

[Mike]

You got it right.

[Andy]

Well, sure, but it's a marginal irrelevant gap. Okay, well now today usually my favorite show is the one right after I scat so that I am the furthest away. But I'm the third pick now and there are two clear awesome picks in this draft.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And I, I might be able to get you one, Jay.

[Andy]

Okay, thank you.

[Jason]

I did preview my picks to the producers, the first couple picks and they had a disagreement about what number one was. So businesses that we miss, we'll be drafting that shortly. There are more than you think companies that we grew up with or that Used to exist. That were awesome. But then they couldn't. They couldn't do the accounting properly.

[Andy]

Vanished.

[Mike]

Or they couldn't adapt to the future.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

[Mike]

The Internet comes from everybody.

[Andy]

Really well, yeah, yeah, of course, sure.

[Jason]

But this is episode 280. My son was reminding me. We're approaching 300 episodes. Would you rather. Situation room and that special draft coming later on the show? You can follow us at Spitballers pod over on x instagram.com spitballers podcast. We always appreciate your reviews. If you like the show, if you enjoy it, tell a friend. It doesn't hurt you.

[Andy]

Tell a family. Tell an entire.

[Jason]

Tell six families town.

[Mike]

Here's the thing. If you tell two families and tell them and they tell two families, before.

[Jason]

You know it, 16 families will be listening or something. All right, we're going to start.

[Andy]

Would you rather.

[Jason]

Oh, we have to do it where, like, if you don't tell. Oh, my gosh. This is the way to do it.

[Mike]

Oh, the old chain letter.

[Jason]

Yeah. If you don't pass this podcast along to someone, you know, you're someone in your family.

[Mike]

Will.

[Andy]

It's usually a dog gets shot.

[Jason]

Shot.

[Andy]

Yeah. So you gotta. We love dogs around here.

[Jason]

Yeah. Don't kill a dog.

[Andy]

Tell.

[Jason]

Tell people about this show.

[Andy]

People about this show. Keep the dogs alive.

[Mike]

I thought you cared about dogs out there.

[Jason]

They do.

[Andy]

They're gonna tell everybody.

[Jason]

Okay, Caden, from the website, would you rather have a password protected refrigerator? Back to the passwords or password protected toilet. You will need to enter your password as well as the code from a 2fa text message to use either appliance.

[Andy]

Come on, we gotta, we gotta update this question to two different appliances because one of these things is an advantage and one of these things is a nightmare.

[Mike]

I have never in my life ran to my fridge with my. With my pants already getting primed to be removed. Clench, like sweaty and feeling like I'm about to poop in my pants. So this one's. This one's really easy.

[Andy]

This one. Look, the amount of times that I do open my refrigerator, I can change it out without ever being hungry or needing. It's just boredom. Open. Like I'm just standing in the kitchen checking it out and I just check it out and I'm just going like, maybe there's something in here that is gonna make me happy. And so I'll open the door and just look. And if there was a password and a 2fa on that fridge, that's an upgrade for my life.

[Jason]

16 digit password for the refrigerator. 4 digit for the toilet.

[Andy]

You can't have.

[Mike]

You can't lock the toilet, man.

[Andy]

You can't lock the toilet. Mike and I are in sync on this. You can't have a one button.

[Mike]

There are times.

[Jason]

What about just a thumbprint?

[Mike]

There are times you've had it back when the iPhone, when you had your fingerprint there and it like wouldn't go, uh huh.

[Andy]

And then you go, that's what I was thinking. You're like, oh, no. Because the body is the most. The closer you get to the toilet, the body knows.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah, it won't acclimate to a password.

[Andy]

No, it's going. I'm looking at the toilet release.

[Jason]

Okay. All right, so final answer.

[Andy]

We gotta find a di. What is a different object in our life, A different appliance that would maybe be more akin to a refrigerator. That would be really annoying to have a password on. I mean, it's like remote control for.

[Jason]

Your TV getting into your bed.

[Andy]

Yeah, I think TV remote's pretty good because both the television and the refrigerator are sources of entertainment.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Mike]

Not sustenance, not nutrition.

[Andy]

Correct. They are pure entertainment.

[Jason]

You view your fridge the same you do the tv.

[Andy]

That's correct.

[Jason]

I'm going to watch the newest. I'm going to binge watch.

[Andy]

Yeah, I mean, they call it binge watching for a reason. Because it's like, oh, I'm going to binge this refrigerator.

[Jason]

You ever binge and binge?

[Andy]

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know.

[Mike]

That's the only way to binge.

[Andy]

Yeah. I do think that I had a.

[Jason]

Password on my TV once.

[Andy]

You had a, like self imposed. This was like, to get you to break the habit. Oh, yeah. I didn't even know televisions had that.

[Mike]

Got real good at that.

[Jason]

They have them for children. They have them for children.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Oh, yeah, I've got that stuff.

[Jason]

And I set one up and I gave the like master code to a friend and I was like, dude, I'm just watching too much tv. I want to be more productive in work.

[Mike]

You went like, accountability.

[Jason]

I did it like, I was probably 19, 20. I had my, like, single living in a townhouse. I was killing too much time watching tv. And I'm like, you know what, I'm gonna set that up. And it's like two hours a day.

[Mike]

How long did this stay?

[Andy]

How many days?

[Mike]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. We got to try and guess this.

[Andy]

Yeah, Write it down.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

I'm not sure I know the answer.

[Mike]

You got an S?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

You know, I'll walk Because I'm a guest.

[Mike]

I'm going to say.

[Jason]

I think I got a hold of that master code.

[Andy]

Okay. All right.

[Mike]

It's got to be under two weeks.

[Andy]

I have two weeks.

[Mike]

I'm taking the under of two weeks.

[Jason]

I think it was like six months.

[Mike]

No.

[Jason]

Yeah. No, for real.

[Andy]

So I believe it.

[Mike]

We tell the truth on this show, Andy.

[Andy]

Here's why I believe it. 19 year olds don't want to put passwords on their television because they're watching too much tv. When you do that, you're someone that's going to commit to bettering yourself. And I'm proud of you.

[Jason]

I think I made it like six months.

[Andy]

Yeah, I'm proud of your 19th.

[Jason]

And then I was like, you know what? I got this.

[Mike]

How much? Give me the code. How much World of Warcraft were you playing at that time?

[Jason]

Did not have a password on that. No. I need to reprioritize my screen time.

[Mike]

Back in that day. Go ahead, lock up the television. It is.

[Jason]

That's fair. They were a coexisting time of my life.

[Andy]

I think he probably put the passcode on the TV because it was getting in to the World of Warcraft. It's like, okay, I gotta. I gotta password protect this thing. It's really cutting into my.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Wow.

[Jason]

It was the equivalent of the New Year's resolution that you have with like, fitness. Like, you sign up for the gym and then however people fade away from the gym. It was the same with like, you know what? I just. At that time of my life, I decided the TV was getting in the way of my. Apparently my wow time.

[Andy]

Okay, so let's say TV or refrigerator. Which one would you.

[Mike]

I put it on the fridge.

[Jason]

Me too.

[Andy]

Me too. It shouldn't be a source of entertainment.

[Jason]

I need to go to the TV fast sometimes for like a sporting event.

[Andy]

You know, we could actually do this really easily. I'm thinking about my pantry is also a problem.

[Mike]

But is it like. Is it entertainment palooza in there?

[Andy]

Absolutely.

[Mike]

What if you took the door?

[Jason]

What if you took the door off your pantry? Would that actually help you?

[Andy]

Help. That would hurt. That would hurt me.

[Jason]

Oh, I just. I thought you locked yourself in there. We've seen videos.

[Andy]

No, no, no. I'm saying what I need to do is put one of those like doorknobs with the passcode on it to get in so that, you know. And self closing. Self latching for sure. Yeah.

[Jason]

It should send your amount of entries to a friend.

[Mike]

Oh.

[Andy]

Every time I unlock my.

[Jason]

Everyone gets a text message or yeah.

[Andy]

Oh, my goodness.

[Jason]

That would help.

[Andy]

Do you know how much doordash I would be doing?

[Mike]

Uber eats.

[Andy]

I couldn't. I could no longer.

[Jason]

Oh, I know exactly what you'd be doing.

[Mike]

You'd be going, hey, you'd be putting a doorstop in.

[Jason]

Hey, Jersey.

[Andy]

I'd be putting a doorstop.

[Jason]

Jersey, go get me something from the fridge.

[Andy]

Does she have her own code?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Yeah. Oh, Jersey's really been in the fridge a lot this week.

[Mike]

And we'll be messaging you. I'm pretty concerned about your kids, man. They're going to the pantry 20 times a day.

[Andy]

That is actually a wild idea of, like, social shaming your bad habits, where you can automatically alert friends of, like, I am doing something I'm trying to not do.

[Jason]

I just made this joke at lunch the other day that, what if your daily caloric intake was a digital sign around your neck?

[Andy]

It would change things.

[Jason]

And you walk around and you have to have it visible at all times in society.

[Andy]

It would change things.

[Jason]

Accountability. And we're all back to wanting to lock our TVs up, baby.

[Mike]

Accountability, aka shame, everybody.

[Jason]

There's a huge difference. There's a huge difference.

[Andy]

Okay, hold on. Let me think this through, because I think the accountability in this example is entirely shame, Right?

[Jason]

Sort of. But that's only because eating to excess without anybody seeing you is socially acceptable and it's unhealthy for you. So all it is is putting something into practice that is genuinely healthier for human beings. So it's hard to say that it's just pure shame.

[Andy]

Well, is it shameful to shame actual shameful things?

[Jason]

We could have a long debate about that. No, I don't think so.

[Andy]

Yeah, like when you're shaming someone.

[Jason]

Call a spade a spade.

[Andy]

Yeah, when you're shaming someone, it seems entirely negative. Like, there is no world where you can shame someone. And it's good. It's like, oh, don't shame a person.

[Jason]

But there's things that should be, like, shameful things.

[Andy]

There's shameful things that should be like, hey, don't do that.

[Jason]

Yeah, like, if everybody.

[Andy]

You should be ashamed if everybody in.

[Jason]

Society, if you cheated on your taxes, you had to wear a scarlet letter. That's not.

[Andy]

I mean, don't be ashamed of that. Yeah, just.

[Jason]

No, I'm saying you would be if you're ashamed of that.

[Andy]

Totally. I would never.

[Jason]

I don't know. Where are we going with this?

[Mike]

I don't know, but the picture of Jason in the pantry has been shared in our slack. No no, no, no, no. It's too shameful. Jason, we wouldn't do that to you.

[Andy]

Just talk about it. Just tell us.

[Jason]

This is like a murder suspect being caught on camera turning back towards the camera.

[Andy]

Yeah, no, I. That was shameful.

[Mike]

The only thing getting killed. Some Hawaiian rolls.

[Andy]

Oh, man. Murder that bread.

[Mike]

Next question.

[Jason]

All right, Jasmine from Patreon. Would you rather have your car break down on the highway during rush hour? That sounds terrible. Or be forced to tie up a single occupancy restroom for 30 minutes at a fancy restaurant and emerge to a line of waiting patrons?

[Mike]

Oh, it. It's pretty easily the bathroom for me.

[Andy]

What?

[Jason]

Yeah, I think I could make up a. Oh, brother. Why that happens.

[Mike]

You're telling me that there's not a part of you. What's your line in your life exactly. That you. You're not walking out with a huge line and you hit people with a. Do not go in there.

[Andy]

I get it. I would hit them with that. I would pull the Ace Vetora reference out. I would love that. That would be the only saving grace.

[Mike]

I mean, you have to leave right afterwards.

[Andy]

But genuinely, I don't even understand. I don't understand how you're both like immediately think that.

[Mike]

Because that's impossible. I can make breaking down.

[Jason]

I can make a reason why I was in there that long.

[Andy]

They know the reason. You don't gotta say nothing. They don't. They know the reason.

[Mike]

Hey.

[Jason]

Hey, pal.

[Mike]

What were you doing in there?

[Andy]

What were you doing in there so long?

[Mike]

Like you're gonna know real soon.

[Jason]

Okay. Yeah, you will. I mean, I guess what would you probably was reading? What? Couldn't get the toilet seat up?

[Mike]

Caught in a good book.

[Jason]

I don't. Okay. There's no reason. But I feel like you make the funny joke and then you move states.

[Mike]

Just breaking down at anytime is just terrible. Now add in that you're on the highway.

[Jason]

Rush hour.

[Mike]

It's rush hour.

[Jason]

Yeah. You're not pulled over. You were stuck this breakdown. You didn't get a chance to pull over. You'll be stuck in the lane.

[Mike]

You'll be there for well over an hour.

[Jason]

Are you even supposed to get out? You are, right?

[Andy]

I mean, I don't think so.

[Jason]

That seems dangerous. If you're in the middle lane. If you're in the middle lane of rush hour and you literally have your car break down where I can't move, shouldn't you stay in your car?

[Andy]

Yes. Yeah. As opposed to get out and like walk through the highway traffic. I think you got to stay Buckled in your car. Yeah.

[Mike]

You stay and you turn your flashers on. And then eventually everything will come to a halt around you and you.

[Jason]

Then you.

[Mike]

And maybe you'll be able to push over.

[Andy]

I think you would call. I think you would call 911 in that situation. Let them know you're broke down on the highway and a police officer will come and. Yeah. Keep you safe.

[Jason]

They're going to honk at you for a while.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yes.

[Jason]

Hit them with the flashers.

[Mike]

It's going to be terrible.

[Andy]

I'll tell you what.

[Mike]

There's no car horns while you're in the bathroom.

[Andy]

I will tell you what is worse than car horns on a freeway. It's a simple knock on the door. Knock on the door in the fancy restroom. If you. I.

[Mike]

How many are you getting?

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

30.

[Andy]

30 minutes. 30 minutes. I'm getting a ton. Because it waits. It escalates. Right. You're not getting any for.

[Jason]

All right, give me the line.

[Andy]

Six or seven minutes, Mike.

[Jason]

I'm knocking the first time. Okay. How do I do a knock sound in here? All right, give me the line, Mike.

[Mike]

Occupied.

[Jason]

Okay, that's the first time. Go ahead. Ten minutes later.

[Mike]

I'm still here.

[Jason]

Oh, really? That's all you're going with? Yeah. Are you okay in there?

[Mike]

No.

[Andy]

I was ready to move on to the next statement, but as soon as.

[Jason]

You say that, that's part of it.

[Andy]

Ok. Do I need to call for help?

[Jason]

I got this.

[Andy]

That's the.

[Jason]

Yeah, that's the response. So 10 more minutes.

[Andy]

Okay, 10 more minutes. Buddy, buddy. You. You need to. You need to wrap it up in there.

[Jason]

It's just one of them days.

[Andy]

Oh, my gosh.

[Jason]

So you don't want it. You don't like public restrooms anyway, so the idea of everybody standing outside, oh, it's.

[Mike]

It's a terrible idea. But it's. I'm weighing two terrible options.

[Andy]

Can you imagine the walk of shame? Because this doesn't say there's.

[Jason]

I'm coming in.

[Andy]

This doesn't say whether you like it or not. Is a person waiting for you. This says that there is a long line of people of waiting patrons. So you are doing the walk of shame. And I guarantee you this. If I'm in that line, if I'm one of those persons standing there waiting, I am going to laser beam taking this thing that emerges from the bathroom. And when, when that monster walks out of this bathroom, I am death, staring them down and judging them like crazy.

[Mike]

That's shame.

[Jason]

And everybody has a bad day at the office.

[Andy]

Not at the fancy restaurant. You clear that out before you get here.

[Jason]

Do you.

[Mike]

At any point in the 30 minutes, like, if there's a bunch of knocks coming, do you start making, like, shriek sounds of pain?

[Andy]

I 100% start looking for a window. If there's a window in that bathroom, I don't care how small it is, I am squeezing through it.

[Mike]

So hold on. Then do you leave the door locked?

[Andy]

Oh, for sure.

[Mike]

Just go get in the line. Like, what? We're all trying to figure out what's going on here. What's this line?

[Jason]

I bet there's no one even in there.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Then you bust the door down and you.

[Andy]

Oh, you're the hero.

[Jason]

Oh, whoever's in here, he dropped a big one.

[Mike]

You're welcome. Everybody enjoy your time.

[Jason]

While I'm in here, I might as well use it.

[Andy]

Bathroom's open. And then you get a roaring applause. Everyone's like, the hero.

[Mike]

This is a great plan. Yeah, There it is.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah.

[Jason]

We're all trying to figure out. All right, so, Jason, we know which one you were going with. I think me and Mike are willing to take the poop.

[Mike]

I will. No matter what. I'm taking that one.

[Jason]

All right, let's go here. Nando from Patreon, Would you rather be Santa Claus or be the tooth fairy?

[Andy]

Oh, man. I honestly. The only advantage to the tooth fairy is I can fly.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I honestly need to know about 60 seconds worth of information about the tooth fairy because I know a lot about Santa Claus and. And honestly, I don't know that much about the tooth fairy origins, where they're from, how big it is. Does it apparate, like, appear out of thin air, or does it fly in from somewhere?

[Andy]

I really am not up to date on my tooth fairy knowledge. I see Mike learning.

[Mike]

I totally know about the tooth fairy. Guys, hold on.

[Jason]

Tooth fairy's rich.

[Mike]

I mean, yeah, obviously there is a collection of them.

[Jason]

Do they invest money temporarily and get interest in their bank, and then they pay out portions of it to the children?

[Mike]

I mean, they must.

[Jason]

How do they. How do they reim. Like, do they have a job? I think a 9 to 5, I think.

[Andy]

Do you think they plant these teeth? Is that where come from teeth? Yeah, Like, I say, like, oh, money doesn't grow on trees. Maybe it does with tooth fairy. They got a lot of money to put out there.

[Mike]

Teeth would grow on the tree.

[Jason]

I'm just worried that this tooth fairy's got, like, a tough 9 to 5 that they're having to work to just pay out all this teeth money, I don't know.

[Andy]

Globally, I think his full time job is snatching teeth, leaving dollars.

[Mike]

The tooth fairy, the way I understand it is they have, you know, not shape shifting. Would you call it size shifting? Shape shifting as well. Is that just how you would say it?

[Jason]

They're normally normal sized.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Jason]

And then they turn into a little flying one.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And then they can shrink down, slip under the pillow.

[Andy]

Yep.

[Mike]

Collect the tooth and then get out of there. And then they could be back to full size.

[Jason]

You think that tooth fairy's ever been caught by a kid?

[Mike]

No.

[Jason]

Same as Santa.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

You can't.

[Mike]

No.

[Jason]

Can you leave cookies out for the.

[Andy]

Tooth fairy and then, you know, how much you know about Santa?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

A lot, right?

[Jason]

Sure.

[Andy]

A ton. Why?

[Jason]

Well, because.

[Andy]

Because it's Santa Claus.

[Jason]

I've been a very good boy.

[Andy]

It's Santa. Like, of course we pick Santa.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

This is like, do you want to be Michael Jordan or LeBron James or.

[Jason]

You know, you're saying tooth fairy is a lower tier.

[Andy]

It's just a lower tier now.

[Jason]

Is it?

[Andy]

Because still in the NBA, if Santa.

[Jason]

Left teeth and the tooth fairy left presence, we'd be talking about a whole different story.

[Andy]

100%.

[Jason]

Although the tooth fair, it's all about.

[Andy]

Does not leave teeth.

[Mike]

Yeah. They take.

[Jason]

What did I say?

[Mike]

Leaves teeth.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Presents.

[Andy]

So wait, if you put money under your pillow, do you get teeth? Do you get teeth? Do you wake up? I've never tried just putting money under.

[Mike]

My pillow, but I haven't either.

[Andy]

Maybe if I put like a 20.

[Mike]

Under there in a molar, you could.

[Jason]

Buy some kids teeth. Weird.

[Andy]

Ooh.

[Jason]

Some canines, but it's about what they give you.

[Mike]

And I mean, the tooth fairy is working very hard every single day. Where Santa, I mean, he's, you know, he's up there managing things.

[Jason]

But when does being a kid stop in your mind?

[Andy]

Age wise age?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

12.

[Jason]

Okay. Let's call it 12.

[Mike]

The older I get, the older it is.

[Jason]

Yeah. How many?

[Mike]

27.

[Jason]

How many Christmases do you get if you're 12 years old?

[Andy]

12.

[Jason]

12 Christmas. How many teeth do you lose? Lot. More than 12.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Okay, so you. If the tooth fairy delivered more presents.

[Andy]

How many teeth do we have? How many teeth are in our skull? Yeah. How many baby teeth?

[Jason]

Do you lose?

[Andy]

Do you lose? I'm going to guess because I genuinely don't know.

[Mike]

I don't know either.

[Jason]

I do know the answer.

[Mike]

I wrote down.

[Jason]

I already know the answer.

[Andy]

You knew already? Like how many teeth people have, how many they Lose.

[Jason]

I know. How many kids.

[Andy]

Wait, is there a different number?

[Jason]

Yes.

[Mike]

Well, not everyone has all their teeth.

[Andy]

Well, sure, but I'm just saying, like.

[Jason]

You'Re saying you eat every tooth you have as a kid.

[Andy]

Yeah. Don't you?

[Jason]

No, because some. Yes, yes. But then some come in. Yeah. I guess I was thinking you have.

[Andy]

The same amount of adult teeth as you have kid teeth, right?

[Jason]

No, because you get molars. You get like your 12 year old molars and your wisdom teeth.

[Andy]

I'm guessing 33 teeth.

[Jason]

Okay, that's a guess.

[Mike]

I think that's closer to the adult one. I'm gonna go.

[Andy]

Wait, it's gotta be even. Od.

[Jason]

Bonus tooth.

[Andy]

Thinking through that really seems like it has to be an even number. Well, I got. Well, your left side's always heavier. Cause you get one extra tooth. I'm 34.

[Jason]

34.

[Mike]

I'll go like 22.

[Jason]

20.

[Andy]

So I made a shark mouth.

[Jason]

20 teeth.

[Andy]

I did a couple rows of teeth in there.

[Jason]

You've got the Tom Cruise Center.

[Mike]

Yeah. 32 is the adult teeth. That's why you're closer to the adult.

[Andy]

There's that many different.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah. You get a lot of molars. Like you get molars when you're what, like five or six? And then you get molars when you're like 12. And then you get wisdom teeth later. You only gotta tack on 12. So it'd be three sets of molars.

[Andy]

12 extra teeth, your mouth gets bigger. Man, my mind is blown.

[Jason]

They don't all go on a small mouth.

[Andy]

I genuinely, genuinely believed prior to this incredible podcast teaching me things that we have, whatever it is, 20, 30, whatever it is, however many teeth you got as a kid to grow in those, fall out and get replaced by big daddy grown up teeth. And that's it.

[Jason]

Now you learn.

[Andy]

Maybe wisdom teeth are coming in the back.

[Jason]

By the way, if the tooth fairy got to go, like also double as Tinkerbell in the Peter Pan world. I think of them similarly in scale.

[Andy]

Well, they're both fairies.

[Jason]

They're both fairies.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

If they. If she got to do both of those things, it would make it closer. But I'm going, Santa.

[Andy]

Yeah, I guess I can still fly. I just need my reindeer.

[Mike]

Yeah. Or. Or some Believe the bag. The toy bag can also magic you into the air.

[Andy]

I've never seen it.

[Jason]

That's a story for another day, kids. All right, we're gonna take a break and come back with the Situation Room.

[Mike]

Today's show is brought to you by.

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[Andy]

The Situation Realm how many wisdom teeth.

[Jason]

Did you have, Jason?

[Andy]

Four.

[Jason]

Four?

[Andy]

Yeah, four.

[Jason]

What about you?

[Mike]

I had all four. Got them out I only had one, really.

[Jason]

I was told none. So that was a bit of a surprise when one came in.

[Mike]

Oh, it just showed up.

[Jason]

Yeah, they X rayed me. They said, you got none. A lot of high fives about avoiding wisdom tooth surgery and getting them out. And then all of a sudden, it came in.

[Andy]

Did you get it out? Yeah, some people don't have them.

[Jason]

Yeah, I got it out.

[Mike]

Yeah, some people have the space for.

[Jason]

It, but I guess I had the 33rd tooth.

[Andy]

Oh, my gosh. You had an odd number of teeth.

[Jason]

I did have an odd number of teeth.

[Andy]

You didn't have an odd number of teeth.

[Jason]

All right, into the situation room we go. We are very helpful at times with difficult situations. That's what we've been told by ourselves. And here's the first situation I have. Through a clerical error, You've been named as the Nobel Prize, Nobel Prize winner in physics for discovering a new law of science. Which of these new laws of physics do you claim to have discovered and explain it to us in layman's terms? So we've got three. Three different laws. The principle of inverse gravitational repulsion.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

The law of temporal elasticity and the theory of light speed deceleration.

[Andy]

Well, the temporal elasticity is clearly the one that I.

[Mike]

You're going with that one?

[Andy]

Well, yeah, I know the most about it.

[Jason]

Right.

[Andy]

Temporal elasticity is simply the.

[Mike]

Are you going to say temporary elastic?

[Andy]

Yes, I am, Mike. Yes, I am, 100%.

[Mike]

You know, when you get a pair of undies, you've had them too long.

[Andy]

Yeah. Look, this is. The tightness of your skin starts. It's completely temporary, man. It loses its elasticity, and then, you know, that's what we got to learn, how to get it back.

[Mike]

No, but it's physics.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. The physics of it.

[Mike]

They don't care about your skin or your undies.

[Jason]

Look, the theory of light speed deceleration, that's the one.

[Mike]

I feel like you could.

[Jason]

And we agree on the same principle, which is that, you know, you have the speed of light, and then you have as many pairs of sunglasses that you can put on, which slows the speed down. It decelerates the light as it enters the iris.

[Andy]

Okay, so this is just about viewing the light.

[Jason]

It's up for interpretation, your pupil, but that's.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

Well, the iris is kind of accentuates.

[Andy]

He was talking about iris pupils.

[Mike]

What an incredible human being that this law of physics only applies to.

[Andy]

Mike is the science guy. So, Mike, explain to us the Principle of inverse gravitational repulsion.

[Mike]

Well, inverse gravitational repulsion would be when you have a. An object that is just so massive that the laws of gravity have. They don't scale up. Once mass gets to a certain size, our understanding of gravity and relativity, it starts. Those laws start to break.

[Jason]

If it had been a bigger apple above Newton, it would have reacted.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

It would have repelled into outer space.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Okay, that's the one.

[Jason]

Three Nobel prize winners.

[Andy]

All right, guys. We are still looking for an Emmy, though. This was. Yeah, sure, sure.

[Jason]

Will you accept anybody's Emmy?

[Andy]

No, but I will accept an Emmy from anyone.

[Jason]

Okay. You've been invited to meet your girlfriend's parents for the first time.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

And have dinner.

[Mike]

That's the worst.

[Jason]

When you show up, your girlfriend introduces you as a world renowned chef and volunteers you to prepare the meal for the night.

[Andy]

Nice.

[Jason]

You've got to put your best foot forward. What meal do you attempt to cook?

[Andy]

This is easy. This is easy for me.

[Jason]

Now, this is not fair because Jason is even right now becoming a more world renowned chef.

[Mike]

We already know that Jason's a chef.

[Jason]

But I mean, he's really been. He's been back really chefing it up.

[Andy]

I have been really cheffing it up.

[Mike]

So what do you got?

[Andy]

I think I'm going to go. I think I'm going to go chicken parm. With like a chicken parm. Macian is the full phrase.

[Jason]

You're going to go full parmesan, not.

[Andy]

Just, as the Italians say, parmesan. Would you introduce parmesano oregma.

[Mike]

Chicken parm, also known as chicken parm.

[Jason]

No, no, you have to pause and say ajan.

[Andy]

Yes, exactly. So, yeah, I would do chicken parm, ajan, and then like a carbonara pasta on the side. That's what I would do. Deep fry it. Butterfly the breast. Open panko bread crumbs.

[Mike]

See, now you've lost me already.

[Jason]

See the real problem?

[Mike]

Butterfly Panko. What is this?

[Jason]

The real problem is that I can't prepare a home cooked meal. So I could offer to grill. So I probably pretend like their oven's broken or their stove is broken. And I would say, you know what, I can grill some burgers out back.

[Andy]

Could you get away with? You ask for the ingredients. You know, they've done the shopping. You need some chicken breasts, you need some stuff. You need, you know, get all the pots and pans out, heat up oil on the stove, get them kind of splattering, throw some chicken breast in there, kind of make a mess a little bit on purpose. You chopping stuff all the time. Tell them, no, I don't need any help. You guys can go. Your delivery service is on the way. And you are just making noise, chopping things up, scooping things into the garbage.

[Jason]

I've thought about replating doordash before.

[Andy]

Yeah. And then everything goes in the garbage and you plate beautiful, great restaurant delivered goodies.

[Mike]

I'm not sure that a 90s sitcom has existed where they didn't do that.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah, Delivery services weren't then.

[Mike]

Yeah, but you just. You picked something up or you just. I'm saying essentially the. Try to take credit that I cooked something, but it's. It was actually a bucket from kfc.

[Andy]

So it's not a new idea.

[Jason]

No, I'm down with that. It's a tail as old as time that works.

[Mike]

But it's also the correct answer.

[Andy]

So neither one of you. Mike, you cook? Sometimes. Do you have a go to meal?

[Mike]

If I'm. Honestly, if I have to make it from scratch, you're probably getting spaghetti and meatballs. Okay, I can do that.

[Andy]

Making the pasta.

[Jason]

No, no liberal use of scratch.

[Mike]

I can make the meatballs, but the sauce and the noodles are. They need to be ready for me.

[Jason]

Yeah, you look down on us, don't you?

[Andy]

I don't look down on you. I empathize. I feel bad for you guys because.

[Jason]

You really stepped it up and you love cooking. So now we're not.

[Andy]

Shout out to Joshua Wiseman. Yeah, that's the guy that cooks for him. Yeah, that's my chef. That's my home chef.

[Jason]

He's gotten into cooking. He watches the guy all the time.

[Andy]

Just sit up at my counter and.

[Mike]

I tell him, how much of the cooking do you have to actually take part in? Like if you warm. If you set the burner up to.

[Andy]

Yeah, look, I'm the sous chef.

[Mike]

You've cooked.

[Andy]

I'm the sous chef. I just, you know, I'm like. I turned. Let me get that for you.

[Jason]

Shout out to my chef.

[Andy]

Shout out to my chef.

[Jason]

All right, one more situation. We got time, Al.

[Andy]

Yes, we do.

[Jason]

On your annual trip to the Amazon rainforest. Oh, I never miss it. You are bitten by a mysterious bug that bestows upon you the most useless superpower that you could ever imagine. Which power would you choose to inherit and how will you use it to improve and or conquer the world? Here are the three useless superpowers that you may receive. Butterfingers, which is the ability to make anything you touch slippery. Balloon manipulation, the power to inflate and deflate balloons. At will.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

I love the deflation. Yeah. I go around and I take all the helium out.

[Mike]

Your birthday party's done.

[Andy]

Time to leave.

[Jason]

Dust accumulation. The ability to accumulate dust on surfaces faster than normal.

[Andy]

The speed really makes a difference here. You know, if you're talking like this is three times as fast and in.

[Mike]

That's still in weeks.

[Andy]

It's gonna be. So it's gonna look like it's been months.

[Jason]

No, no, no. It's like a. Like a pretty quick dust magnet.

[Andy]

Like, you, like, put your finger on dust out. My finger?

[Jason]

No, no, no. You put your finger on the object, and the dust in the room accumulates on it super quick.

[Mike]

Can I.

[Jason]

About 15 seconds. You've got, like, a nice layer.

[Mike]

Can I do it on my hand?

[Jason]

I suppose.

[Andy]

Yeah, of course.

[Jason]

Is it a surface? Is your hand a surface?

[Andy]

Are you wanting to throw dust in someone's face in 15 minutes? Yeah, that was the timeline Andy said. Hold on.

[Jason]

No, except for a second.

[Mike]

I'm just saying that you at least have a weapon. The Butterfingers. This actually has. You can apply this for sure. If you're telling me that my feet can turn any surface that I'm on to be slippery. And I could just be doing the run and slide like on the road.

[Jason]

Okay, so you run, run, run, run, run. And then slippery slides unslippery.

[Andy]

See, I'm thinking of getting other people slipping.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Because this is what you touch. A slipper. So I'm getting away from the coppers by making their cars slide down that hill. You know what I mean? They're coming up. Might as well be driving on black ice because your car's going backwards.

[Mike]

But also, how would we. Oh, they'll conquer the world. I guess was on here.

[Jason]

I. Yeah. I mean, if everybody was slipping while they tried to capture you, they could never capture you. Right.

[Andy]

I think so. I think.

[Jason]

Wouldn't that actually be a really powerful.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Like if even the cops running after you, they slip and fall no matter what.

[Mike]

Or if they grab. It's anything you touch.

[Jason]

They can't even grab you.

[Mike]

No. And you're just all greased up.

[Jason]

Yeah. You put them in handcuffs, the handcuffs slip out.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Honestly, Butterfinger sounds pretty.

[Mike]

Sounds like we need a. An X Men get on this marvel.

[Jason]

Interesting.

[Andy]

We're all taking Butterfingers.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Taking Butterfingers now.

[Andy]

You could wreak some havoc with hot air balloons.

[Mike]

Yeah, that was. It was my legit. My only thought is, like, you having fun up there? I just thought of, like, anymore.

[Jason]

I'm On a hot air balloon. And the guys, I'm like, are we done yet? Because it's boring. And then he's like, no, it's gonna be another half hour. And I go, no, it's not.

[Andy]

So you're gonna deflate your own.

[Jason]

Slowly.

[Andy]

Okay, slowly.

[Mike]

Well, that's weird.

[Jason]

No, no, we're landing.

[Mike]

I see a leak.

[Jason]

Yeah, we're landing right now. You can't really pop a hot air balloon, though.

[Andy]

I don't think so.

[Mike]

I would not.

[Jason]

No. Cause it's not.

[Andy]

There's not a. There's. It's not sealed.

[Jason]

It's not sealed. So it's kind of a. It's not inflated. It's just filled with hot air.

[Mike]

It's inflated with hot air.

[Jason]

But I mean, like, if it had some holes, it wouldn't even bother it, right?

[Andy]

Well, it would bother it a little.

[Jason]

A little?

[Andy]

Yeah. It would let the heat out.

[Jason]

It doesn't say, I can poke a bunch of holes in balloons. I have to deflate it.

[Andy]

Yeah. It can't be like a colander fabric.

[Jason]

Okay, it's time to draft after this quick break.

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[Andy]

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[Jason]

All right. We are drafting businesses that we miss. Businesses that are no longer around or around like they used to be. And we miss them. We miss what life was like when they existed. And for the sake of our younger listeners out there who may not have lived in a time when these fine establishments existed, we will explain what they were.

[Andy]

Yeah, trust us, they were great. That's why they went out of business.

[Jason]

Businesses.

[Mike]

Now, I will say, Andy, that we miss.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Before you take your first pick, because I think there are some. There are some top tier picks, but there is. There is a pick that has Andy's name all over it, and he knows exactly what I'm talking about.

[Andy]

Really?

[Mike]

And I will warn you, if you don't take it now, it may not make it back to you.

[Andy]

Wow.

[Jason]

I think he's just trying to make sure something gets to him. I. I think that there are two perfect picks.

[Andy]

There's a 101 and a 102 in either order.

[Mike]

There's two in either order. There's a 103 that may not make it back there.

[Jason]

Maybe. And look, maybe I'm not even remembering what it is, Mike. I'm trying to think of businesses that were catered to old people and whether or not they went out of business, which it seems to be the case.

[Andy]

Cracker Barrel's still around.

[Jason]

For me. I'm going to go with Toys R Us.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

Okay. That's one of the two.

[Mike]

I tried to get you one, Jay.

[Andy]

It didn't work out. I appreciate the effort.

[Jason]

Toys R Us is the. It was the ultimate childhood dream. This was a. The largest toy store that existed.

[Mike]

They were very big.

[Jason]

It was literally just physically humongous. So. But everything in it was toys. Video games, action figures, power wheels. Power wheels. It was. It was awesome. Honestly, when. When. When it came out that they weren't gonna exist anymore, I. It was the hardest one to comprehend. Like, how, like, that place is awesome.

[Mike]

Of course, I hadn't been there in five or six years. No.

[Jason]

The honest truth is, yes, I had. Because I had kids.

[Andy]

Yeah. So you go there and you look at what you're gonna get and go.

[Mike]

On Amazon and you're like, oh, it's $3 cheaper. I'll do that.

[Jason]

And now we know why they're gone. But Toys R Us was awesome.

[Andy]

I think they're back. I think they've got, like, a corner.

[Mike]

In Macy's or something.

[Jason]

I got lost in Toys R Us once. That's how big it was. Like My mom had to page me at the front.

[Mike]

Oh, you had to get it?

[Jason]

Yeah, buddy.

[Mike]

Did that scare the crap out of you?

[Jason]

That scared the crap out of my mom, not me. I was checking out the toys, man.

[Andy]

So there's still big toy stores. FAO Schwartz.

[Mike]

Is that. No, that's gone.

[Andy]

In Times Square.

[Jason]

There's one.

[Andy]

Yeah. Oh, it's like I was just there.

[Jason]

But that's.

[Andy]

That's gone.

[Jason]

But that. That is. That is a gone toy store. Because there used to be lots of them. There were. There were other toy stores too, but most of the toy stores are gone because you can't compete with online. So I will go with Toys R Us because it was. It literally was magical. What was? The kid can be a kid, grow up.

[Andy]

I'm a Toys R Us kid. There's a million things that Toys R.

[Mike]

Us that I can play with.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah. And it was the giraffe.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Now it's Jeffrey. Now it's just Target.

[Mike]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andy]

Like, there's like a two aisle section.

[Jason]

So, Mike, go ahead.

[Mike]

You have to say that in Toys R Us, the magical feeling of going into the video game section and getting to pick out a new game. And you had. But it was. You had to take the. It'd hope that the. The paper was there because the physical good was not there. Everything was behind the scene. And so you would. If you would take the little slip up and said, I'm gonna buy this. It was absolutely incredible. So I'm back up. The. The next best pick is Blockbuster.

[Andy]

Yeah. Because dad Gummet, this is the worst draft to have the third pick. Because clearly Blockbuster and Toys R Us.

[Mike]

Because young people, when the Internet was not around, you had to go to a place to get your movies or get your video games. And there was just so much built into it of the. The full anticipation of the drive. What are we gonna get? You get there. It's. Is the movie actually in stock? Because they had limited stock. And you would. There would be frequently, you would have times, especially with video games, because they'd have like one copy where you go there week after week after week to try and get one specific video game. And then when it's finally there, the magical moment of getting to take it and have it, it was just. It was so incredible. Blockbuster, you're saying Blockbuster still. There's the one.

[Andy]

There's one.

[Jason]

Yeah, but there's one that doesn't count. That's like a. It's not making money. It's there as a tourist attraction, basically. Yeah, but did you guys see the.

[Andy]

Documentary the last time?

[Jason]

I did.

[Mike]

I did.

[Jason]

It was pretty good. Blockbuster just gave you a vibe. It was a feeling. It was like, this is an entertainment night. It was like going to the movies, but you got to go out and spend more time thinking about what you and I loved it. Yeah. That was the other pick for me.

[Mike]

All right, Jay, now, so those are the two that you want to begin.

[Jason]

Yeah, those got so many favorites that I hope you don't pick.

[Andy]

Oh, man, I got, like, nothing.

[Jason]

Good prep.

[Andy]

Well, no, I've got a list. I just. They're just like, not Toys R Us and Blockbuster. Those need to come back. I mean, not Blockbuster because, like.

[Mike]

Yeah, it's. Unfortunately, it just. It doesn't work anymore.

[Jason]

It doesn't work. That's the weird one. It doesn't work anymore.

[Andy]

I wish there was a physical place that you could go and, like, look at your options and then pick that and it's on my tv.

[Jason]

You wouldn't do it. You wouldn't go there.

[Andy]

No, I wouldn't. No chance.

[Mike]

It's gone. The ability to have that way of life, it's man.

[Andy]

But deleted. So fun.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

I loved going there.

[Jason]

Not arguing with you there, man.

[Andy]

All right, well, I'll take. I know one of these because it's somewhat similar to Blockbuster Tower Records. You'd go and get your CDs or your albums.

[Jason]

It was the same experience as like, the Blockbuster to a degree. You got to go and spend time with music.

[Andy]

I mean, at least there are still versions. You know, there are still, like, vinyl records will never go away. Whereas, like, VHS or DVDs. Like, you. You don't even have stuff to play these things in your house anymore. So I'll take that. I was. The problem is, like, I was never a big Tower Records guy.

[Mike]

Like, was that your preferred?

[Jason]

Yeah, there were places out here, like, Warehouse.

[Andy]

Yeah, there was. What was the other one?

[Mike]

There's. There's the Warehouse. There was.

[Jason]

I don't know, the chain. Sam Goody. Yeah. Sam Goody.

[Mike]

Fye.

[Jason]

Mm.

[Mike]

But, I mean, Tower is the most.

[Andy]

Well known Tower Records.

[Jason]

But you have them all. I mean, I get it. Yeah. Like, I'm not the vintage CD place.

[Mike]

The Warehouse is where I would have gone with. But it's the same exact idea, man.

[Jason]

They charged a lot for CDs.

[Mike]

Oh, that. Yeah. That was like, before the Amazon price shopping was there. It was warehouse versus Best Buy, where I'd be at the mall and like, oh, this band has a new CD out. I'm at the Warehouse. How much does it cost?

[Jason]

$18.

[Andy]

Or, or 10 of your CDs. You could trade in 10 CDs or.

[Mike]

At Best Buy, this thing is $10. And it's like, I can't believe that this is happening.

[Andy]

My other pick. There are competitors to this that are still around, but I preferred this other store. I loved it. They were open late. Oh, no.

[Jason]

I know what you're going to pick and that's a heartbreaker for me.

[Andy]

I'm going with Borders.

[Mike]

Yeah, that was the one.

[Andy]

That was the one.

[Jason]

I knew if I picked it up, I'd get sold down the river. Is that being a lame o pick?

[Mike]

It's not a lame O pick.

[Jason]

Borders is the bookstore that had a coffee shop.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah. And Barnes is great. Barnes and Noble still does. They're also on their way. I mean, they've closed so many locations. But I loved Borders. You'd go there late at night with friends and get the coffee. They were open to like midnight. It was great. And then it was like, turns out that's not enough people go there. You lost a lot of money and go out of business.

[Jason]

Yeah, they, they used to have their own coffee shops and then they bought all the Seattle's best as a last ditch effort to, to survive. I remember every week I'd go to Borders. That would have been one of my next picks. So. Good pick.

[Mike]

I warned you it wasn't going to come back. I hope you're happy.

[Jason]

I'm very happy with Toys R Us. I'm content.

[Mike]

Yeah, I tried. All right, so I'm back up.

[Jason]

Yep. You have Blockbuster.

[Mike]

Okay. So trying to play, play the game here.

[Andy]

I don't know.

[Mike]

I mean, everyone will remember it. I don't know if you guys would actually take it, but I will take it because I was a frequent patron. Because I was a bit of an electronics nerd when I was little. I'm gonna take Radio Shack.

[Andy]

Sure.

[Mike]

The fact that you could go to like, this is one of the things that is actually difficult on Amazon is like, I know what cable I need, but like sometimes you just. I need to go see all of them and see all the adapters and things and make sure that I'm getting the right piece. When I was a kid and I would have like, you know, my, my CD system. For whatever reason I was, I always enjoyed running the cables out of it and just seeing what I could set up. So I would like put a, put guitar amps all over and I would run my CD player and out to my guitar amps. And I would make it stereo across my entire room because this was the nerdy electronic stuff that I was into. So I'm taking Radio Shack.

[Jason]

Radio Shack was kind of the ace hardware compared to the lows, where if Best Buy was the Lowe's or something. And so I remember going into Radio Shack as a kid and just being confused. It was too technical for young Andy, but not young Mike. So Radio Shack, I didn't go a lot, but obviously one of the most iconic brands that have gone. Bye. Bye. I'm back up.

[Andy]

Yep, you are.

[Jason]

All right. I have some picks. I just. I don't know if they're going to make it back through you. So I'm going to go with a similar one that I thought was way, way better and way cooler for my time period. It was Circuit City.

[Andy]

Yeah. I was hoping that came back.

[Jason]

Circuit City had tv.

[Andy]

It was, like, so much better than Radio Shack.

[Mike]

Yeah, well, because it was a different store.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Circuit City was buy.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Jason]

But a lot of, like, a strong computer department, and that was where, you know, you'd go and back when they sold, you know, a ton of computers and Windows operating system and all that stuff. Like, Circuit City was just, like, a cool tech store to go to. And it was nice to browse someplace other than Best Buy.

[Andy]

And I also felt like I was in a plug when I was.

[Jason]

Yeah. Because of the way it looks.

[Andy]

Commercials. And they'd like, plug the.

[Mike]

Which is state of the art.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Oh, wow. You remember. Wow.

[Jason]

Welcome to Circus City.

[Mike]

Yeah. See services.

[Jason]

State of the art. Still there. Not the company, but the. Yeah.

[Mike]

They did their best, man.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

All right, so that's one. You got one more pick.

[Jason]

I do. I know that there's, like, ass. I know that there's no chance that any of you will pick it, but I'm still going to give it the honor of third spot.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

I don't even. I imagine it was a chain that went everywhere. I mentioned it to the producers earlier. You know what I'm talking about? Was that a chain? Can you do the research on it to make sure it was large enough that this is a smart pick?

[Andy]

Can you. Let's just hold.

[Mike]

It was a Mon Pa store right next to his house.

[Jason]

Do we get the thumbs up? All right. It doesn't matter. There was a place called tcby.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah, the yogurt place.

[Jason]

It stood for the country's best yogurt.

[Mike]

And it was that thing. That thing was massive at one point.

[Jason]

Because everybody fell in love with frozen.

[Mike]

Yogurt because ice Cream was bad for you.

[Jason]

Yes. Yes.

[Mike]

And somehow yogurt wasn't.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

So.

[Mike]

Yeah, TCBY blew up. We used to get that all the time.

[Jason]

It was like a favorite treat spot for my family. When I mentioned it to the producers earlier, they all. They both said the same thing. Tcby.

[Mike]

And I haven't heard that name.

[Jason]

I know, I know. It was like, they're still around.

[Andy]

No, there's a bunch in Vegas. I'm on the website.

[Mike]

That's fine. But they're not here anymore.

[Andy]

No, it doesn't look like they're. The closest ones to us are in Vegas now.

[Jason]

Really?

[Andy]

They have in Los Angeles, but I mean, obviously it used to be.

[Jason]

Honestly, I think I looked up. I think I looked up the history of that company at one point in time, because they used to have. Maybe they're still out there.

[Mike]

They can't compete with the fill your own bowl yogurt places.

[Jason]

Yeah, well, everybody can without. Employees have yogurt places now. But I didn't know. Does that still exist? I feel like I'm cheating.

[Andy]

It exists, but here's the thing.

[Mike]

I haven't thought about it in forever.

[Jason]

This is 1981 is when it opened up.

[Andy]

Yeah. And this. This draft is businesses we miss. It doesn't necessarily, to me mean it has to be completely and utterly right. You. You missed tcby because it was awesome. And it's basically gone.

[Jason]

And it's gone for us.

[Andy]

So. Yeah, I think that's a fair pick.

[Jason]

I'm seeing a lot of locations still around, like Egypt, El Salvador, Malaysia.

[Mike]

Wait, they're still international?

[Andy]

Yeah. The other side of the world has not caught up with the fill your own yogurt.

[Mike]

Have you heard ice cream is terrible for you?

[Andy]

Yeah. They're just 20 years behind. Eventually. Eventually they'll all go out of business, man.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

For me, we should open a Circuit.

[Jason]

City overseas 43 years ago. I miss it, so. Oh, okay. Okay. This qualifies it quite a bit. There were over 1700 locations. They had to been bankrupt 2001, and they're down, like, below 400 now.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

So they're on the way out.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

All right.

[Andy]

And you miss it because they're gone. There you go.

[Jason]

All right, So I don't think I'm picking anymore. I think it's up to Mike.

[Mike]

Yep, I am up. I will take a store that their. Their. Their brand no longer exists. And so that's the version of the store that I'm taking, because it is. It's now GameStop.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Mike]

But EB Games.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

Was the freaking best.

[Jason]

So you have a lot of memories.

[Mike]

Oh, man. EB Games. Because here was the best part, which I don't know if everyone knew this about EB Games. If at first they had a policy that you could buy a game and within like a couple days you could return the game and get all your money back.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Wow.

[Andy]

That's how you go out of business.

[Mike]

So I. Yes, yes. Thank you, Josh. Electronics Boutique.

[Jason]

Oh, I wondered what it stood for.

[Mike]

Yeah, Electronics Boutique. And this was. I mean, because it was a game store, this is where you could go back at that time and see games on the shelves that you've never even heard of. And then you notice you all the boys. For us, it was at a mall that was 20. It was at metro center, which for us is like a 20 minute drive. When you're a teenager, that's like a four hour drive.

[Jason]

Oh yeah.

[Mike]

So it was always very special place. It was always like this great voyage we would take to go out there and get games. And sometimes we would buy a game, go home, we would play it for five hours. Oh, boom. Guys, guys, EB Games is still open. Let's go take this thing back.

[Jason]

It was your rental store?

[Mike]

Yeah, it was.

[Jason]

Did they buy games as well? They just like the Gamestop.

[Mike]

Eventually they. They did.

[Jason]

They. They got bought or absorbed by GameStop.

[Mike]

Well, there was actually. It was. So it's like Funko Land, Babbage's, EB and GameStop. I think like eventually all of them merged and then went under the Gamestop brand. And then it turned into the. Everything is buy a used game and sell us your games for dirt cheap. Unfortunately, because EB Games and just. And like the employees were always super cool. And I mean, even when you're back for the second time in one day returning a game you just bought, there's.

[Jason]

Like, okay, the Costco policy.

[Mike]

Yeah. They don't give you crap for it.

[Jason]

Don't do that, kids. All right, Jason, you are up.

[Mike]

You do it.

[Jason]

You live your life with two picks that look real prepped over there. Two stores you missed like nothing else.

[Andy]

Now are these only stores? Because this was businesses we miss. So I got a list of stuff that's like not necessarily like walk in stores.

[Jason]

I mean you can say sweet tomatoes. That's fine.

[Mike]

They're coming back. Dude.

[Jason]

I did see that. I did see that.

[Andy]

Yeah. You know what's funny is what I was just looking up because defunct restaurants was. Is more of a defunct restaurant. I'm more in the vein of TCBY because it's like, it still exists, but.

[Mike]

It'S not really regular.

[Andy]

But it's not. You know, it peaked me, man. It was the center.

[Mike]

Go ahead, take it of.

[Andy]

You want a steak? When I was growing up, you went to the Sizzler.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah, dude. Of course. You can take that. You can take the heck out of the Sizzler.

[Andy]

They technically are still out there sizzling some steaks.

[Mike]

But back then, somehow their marketing, they had convinced people that the Sizzler was fine steak dining.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Even though you waited.

[Jason]

That's how I felt about Red Lobster.

[Mike]

You waited a long to order.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, it was. It seemed like it was.

[Jason]

Sizzler's a very funny thing.

[Andy]

Like it was fine dining.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

And then I was like, wait, this is awful. This is, like, not good. And so I'm looking it up.

[Mike]

But you missed the Sizzler.

[Andy]

Yeah, I guess I missed the commercials. And the. The marketing was great. And now they're like, we don't have any money for marketing because nobody eats here anymore. And what's ironic is I was looking it up. And what I have learned on today's episode, if I can already skip ahead, is that if your business is failing and you're having a hard time keeping up with the times, go overseas, because they've still got plenty of locations open.

[Mike]

Sizzler does.

[Andy]

Yeah, they got them in Japan, they got them in Egypt, and we have.

[Mike]

Tricked people that this is, like, Americana.

[Jason]

I think some of those companies, what happens is the way they franchise. Like, the main company might go out of business, but one person owns one location. They have the rights to it forever. So certain.

[Andy]

Just running it better over there.

[Jason]

Some person somewhere has the rights to run that for eternity, and they passed it down to their families, and they.

[Mike]

Like, don't have the franchise fee anymore.

[Jason]

Yeah, the franchise doesn't exist. None of that stuff exists. They're just running the Sizzler.

[Andy]

All right, all right. Now for my last one. I know exactly what I want to take, but this, I'm going to put it out to you and see if this fits or not. I'm not trying to cheat a system. I want to know if this actually fits the mold. No, genuinely, like, you'll get it.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

Aol.

[Jason]

Totally fine.

[Andy]

Okay. Dude, I loved aol. You did? When it came out, it was Internet. It was the world. It was where I went. I'd go home and I'd dial up.

[Mike]

Use mail.

[Andy]

Yes, dude, I loved you Got Mail. AOL was.

[Mike]

I guess there was Instant Messenger.

[Andy]

There was instant mess Aim. Yeah, I mean, like for AOL keyword. Oh, yeah, you just. I mean, every commercial in the world, Sizzler would be like, use AOL keyword Sizzler. That was how you searched for things on the Internet.

[Mike]

Spilled himself.

[Andy]

I watched that.

[Jason]

Mike did a little bit.

[Andy]

So, yeah, I mean, AOL technically is still around, but they're not AOL anymore. That's.

[Mike]

Yeah, I'll allow it. Yeah, I'll allow it.

[Jason]

Mike, you're up.

[Mike]

All right, my final pick. I'll be curious if anyone in this room actually got out to it. Because it was, it existed. There was very few locations. But when this franchise was being built, there was like, I seem to recall, like really big names behind it. And it was built up to be like, this is going to be the, the biggest and the best arcade ever. And we had one here. It was out at Arizona Mills.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Mike]

GameWorks. I don't know if you guys remember this.

[Jason]

No idea.

[Mike]

So here's, here's what GameWorks was this.

[Jason]

Representative of like all old arcades, basically?

[Mike]

Well, yeah, I thought about drafting like Aladdin's Castle because that's the brand that most arcade people know. But this one specifically, gameworks, because you had. It was a two story arcade, which at that time was, that was impossible. So upstairs will be all the old retro games and then downstairs will be the new games. Games that you, you will see at no other arcade. Like, the first time I played any, I think it was called Guitar Freaks, which was. You have the, you have the big guitar controller, you're playing awesome music. And then years later that turned into Guitar Hero. But it was like, no, I already know this. This is called Guitar Freaks and it's fantastic. And then in the middle, there was a video game ride that you have to wait in a big old line and then you sit in a chair that goes that as your. As you're killing. Like, I think it was like enemy alien ships. And then when you get shot, you plummet down to the bottom.

[Andy]

Dude, that place is awesome.

[Mike]

Place was awesome.

[Andy]

Okay, so check this out. I'm looking them up. GameWorks still exists in one location. It's in Seattle. What? There is gameworks left?

[Mike]

No.

[Andy]

I feel like this is like a Mike takes a family vacation to Seattle now to see gameworks.

[Mike]

It's still there. Do they have the big ride? So if they got the big ride, then I'm going to figure that out.

[Jason]

Mike has Blockbuster, Radio Shack, EB Games and gameworks. Jason with Tower Records, Borders, Sizzler and aol. I have Toys R Us, Circuit City, tcby, and one final. One final pick. Now, I am going to ask for your help on this one, all right? Because there have been a number of defunct sports stores.

[Mike]

Oh, gosh. Yeah.

[Andy]

Oshman's.

[Jason]

That's the one I was thinking of. Yes. Yes. I couldn't remember the name. I know the Sports Authority's gone now. Everything is. The only one that's left is. Well, I guess there's a couple.

[Andy]

Dick's is still out.

[Jason]

Sportsman's Warehouse.

[Andy]

End of list.

[Jason]

That's not even like a sports one.

[Mike]

But Sports Authority and Oshman's.

[Jason]

Oshman's is the one. Because Oshman's had basketball inside. They had inside basketball inside, baseball batting cage and a golf simulator. And I remember as a young kid wondering how they were in business.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Because you would go into there and there wouldn't be a soul around, except for in those places where you got.

[Andy]

Just to play the game, you got.

[Jason]

To play basketball and you got to swing the golf simulator. But no one was buying nothing.

[Andy]

No. We would go to Oshman's just to play basketball.

[Jason]

I couldn't. You named it right away. I couldn't remember the name of it because they put one out here in Arizona when you're growing up. But Auschwitz is gone.

[Mike]

It was walking distance from my house, boys.

[Jason]

Oh, really? Yeah. So you'd go over to Auschwitz?

[Mike]

Yeah, I knew Auschwitz very well.

[Andy]

I know why they went out of business, too. Because there was a change in their management or from the top down. Said, you can no longer come and play basketball here. Like, it's just to, like, test a basketball. You couldn't have a game because of whatever life. And then, you know what happened? You know, the next time I went to Oshman's, never again. You. You have a basketball court in there to be played with. And then I go to play with my friends and they're like, I'm sorry, you can't play a pickup game here anymore. Then I will never be back. Enjoy being out of business.

[Jason]

No, I actually remember when they did that.

[Mike]

Did you ever purchase.

[Jason]

And I hated them. They got tired of people loitering around.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Buying their products and shopping.

[Andy]

Spending time at their business dummies.

[Mike]

But, like, in that time, did you ever buy anything?

[Andy]

No, no, no.

[Jason]

I was overpriced.

[Andy]

I was a kid. I didn't have money.

[Mike]

You were just using their electricity.

[Jason]

Well, they're creating goodwill.

[Andy]

Their electricity.

[Jason]

Either way, creating goodwill in his home.

[Mike]

In his family home, the goodwill ran out. And they're like, we gotta make some money, guys.

[Andy]

Yeah, but the way to make money isn't to say, get off my lawn.

[Jason]

Yep. So. All right, that'll do it for today's draft. Do you have any quick?

[Andy]

Oh, I got a lot on my list.

[Jason]

Comp. Usa Sports Authority. Dude.

[Mike]

Comp. Usa. Sharper Images on mine, too.

[Andy]

Mine is less stores left. DeLorean Motor Company, Napster and Netscape. Oh, that's funny. Vine. Okay, you know, they're not around anymore, but Vine. I was just thinking.

[Jason]

You're a Vine, bro.

[Andy]

Businesses. And then Kmart. The problem is, I just didn't. I never liked Kmart.

[Jason]

Yeah, no, I didn't either.

[Andy]

I felt like I needed a tetanus shot if I went to Kmart.

[Jason]

I'm like, you looked at it worse than Walmart.

[Andy]

Oh, big time. Big time.

[Jason]

Oh, wow.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I thought Kmart was a step up from Walmart.

[Andy]

No, if my vaccines weren't up to date, I was not going.

[Jason]

All right, Mike, you got any Honorables?

[Mike]

We've said mostly everything, but then I also had DeLorean.

[Jason]

Did you? Yeah, I had it, too.

[Andy]

Anybody remember service merchandise?

[Jason]

Yep. What service merch? I'll tell you what I remember about service merchandise.

[Andy]

It's like a Target.

[Jason]

It was a store that had a commercial, and the commercial had a kid who brought his little Walkman into the return desk and said, sir, today I bought this, but today I saw this, and it was the discounted price on this. Or yesterday I bought this, and today I saw this, and it was discounted.

[Andy]

And.

[Jason]

And they're like, here you go. And they'd give him the difference.

[Mike]

Good for you.

[Jason]

And he walked out all happy. And then they shut the doors and closed the company. Montgomery Ward, Jason, you remember that?

[Andy]

Montgomery Ward's is basically the same thing.

[Jason]

Mervyn's is that.

[Andy]

Oh, I actually did like Mervyn's. That was more. I mean, it was Clothes Shop.

[Jason]

Smelled like perfume.

[Andy]

This guy liked Mervyn's. I had memories of going to Mervyn's. I don't know if I.

[Jason]

What a weird name.

[Mike]

Both Montgomery Ward and Mervyn's Mervin Machines.

[Jason]

You just name the whole computer companies.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

So were people named Mervyn?

[Jason]

Mervyn sounds like a muppet's name. Like Gonzo and Mervyn.

[Andy]

I'm pretty sure that's a wizard.

[Mike]

Mervin.

[Jason]

No, that's Merlin, you dummy.

[Andy]

I know.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

What did we learn today?

[Jason]

We learned that we're old.

[Andy]

I learned that adults have a bunch of teeth. Kids. Kids don't have. And that you got to have even.

[Jason]

Number of teeth you don't have to. It is recommended. All right, that'll do it for today's Spitballers. Thanks for joining us, kids. Thanks for staying around. Back with episode 281 next week. Goodbye.

[Andy]

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballers pod.com foreign.

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