Spitballers Comedy Podcast – Episode 350
Title: Burlap Boxers & Senior Citizen Battle Royale
Release Date: December 15, 2025
Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason
Episode Overview
This milestone 350th episode wraps classic Spitballers nonsense, hilarious hypotheticals, and wild debates into a family-friendly episode featuring the eternally silly trio. The big thematic centerpiece? A riotous drafting of the ultimate "Senior Citizen Battle Royale," picking famous celebrities (age 60+) for a no-holds-barred team throwdown. Along the way, the crew banters about uncomfortable fabrics, childhood underwear tragedies, and the true pain of Super Bowl losses.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Would You Rather: Burlap or Comfy Clothes?
[03:46–11:20]
- Question: Would you rather have the world’s nicest bedsheets but all your clothes (including underwear) are made of scratchy burlap, or have the world’s comfiest clothes but sleep on burlap bedding?
- The guys immediately recoil at the idea of burlap underwear.
- Jason: “You don’t want it on my sensitives.” [04:02]
- Mike argues in favor of comfy daytime apparel, since you only have to deal with bed discomfort while asleep:
- Mike: "While I'm asleep, I will not be experiencing the burlap...during the day, I will 100% be awake...Therefore, I'm choosing sleep." [05:54]
- Andy brings up the “full weight of your skin” on burlap bedsheets as a counter-argument, trying to poke holes in Mike's logic.
- The crew groans through vivid descriptions of burlap’s rough texture and speculate on hipster affection for burlap.
- Ultimately, none want to endure burlap underwear, so most side with sacrificing nighttime comfort for relief during waking hours.
Memorable Moment: Childhood Underwear Shame
[07:09–11:14]
Jason shares a traumatic childhood memory:
- Jason recounts being exposed for wearing cartoon “Underoos” in 6th grade PE class due to a hole in his shorts, inducing social exile and deep embarrassment.
- Jason: “Here I am as a 40 plus year old man talking about this thing that was traumatic for me.” [09:50]
This sparks a debate on boxer briefs vs. boxers and the true function of underwear.
- Andy: "The purpose of underwear is to keep your shorts cleanish." [10:51]
2. Would You Rather: Superbowl Seats or Secret Win?
[11:20–16:16]
- Question: Would you take front row 50-yard line seats to watch your favorite team lose 56–0 in the Super Bowl, or watch them win on your phone while sitting at your niece’s kindergarten performance?
- The hosts unambiguously prefer a secret, remote win over the agony of witnessing a loss firsthand.
- Emotional, personal stories about Super Bowl attendance underscore the stress of being truly invested:
- Mike: “I leave, I become clinically depressed...a week later...my wife’s brother asks, ‘what’s wrong with Mike?’” [14:23]
- Andy: "The best way to go to a Super Bowl is to go to one where your team is not in it, because I had a blast. There was no...nothing could hurt me." [16:01]
3. Would You Rather: No Soap vs. No Toothpaste
[16:16–20:12]
- Question: Would you rather permanently give up soap and shampoo, or toothpaste?
- Consensus: Toothpaste is overrated! The hosts reason that brushing sans toothpaste is tolerable, but living without soap and shampoo is unfathomable.
- Jason: “How much is toothpaste actually doing?” [16:33]
- Mike: “You can still brush your teeth.” [16:44]
- (Jokes about “Big Toothpaste” overhyping the product abound.)
- Andy riffs on soap being "mind-blowing" for its germ-fighting effect:
- Andy: "Soap blows my mind, man." [19:40]
4. Guess Guess Goose Game
[24:04–45:59]
A running segment where the crew sets and guesses the percentage of people who do quirky or common things, with the aim to avoid "the goose" (i.e., being the loser).
Some technical snafus ensue with the answers, leading to a mock roast of the substitute producer ("Papa Josh").
Sample Questions & Timestamps:
- Drinking Milk after Cereal: 73% say yes. [25:08–28:01]
- Regularly Pee in the Shower: A surprisingly high 62%! [28:27–31:12]
- Jason: “You get in there…I can’t help it. The temperature of the shower…” [31:39]
- Choosing Hot Salsa: Only 24% opt for hot as their default. [32:17–33:45]
- Mike: “Hot sauce is a brag worthy thing. I eat salsa in the shower.” [32:41]
- Ignoring Pennies on the Ground: 44% ignore them, 56% pick up pennies. [34:07–36:02]
- Blood Draw from Right Arm: 25% prefer the right. [39:08–40:23]
- Electric vs. Manual Razors: Only 38% of men prefer electric. [41:45–42:41]
- Andy (joking): "My opinions are correct but the minority of people have good opinions. That’s what I’ve learned." [43:12]
Notable Production Gaffe
(Throughout the segment) The team teases substitute producer Josh for not having the answer sheet:
- Andy: "You're telling me we are playing a segment on the show right now that you have half of?" [26:21]
- Jason: "We can't do this show without Jeremy Fingers." [40:58]
5. Draft: Senior Citizen Battle Royale
[45:59–65:46]
Premise
Each host drafts a team of four famous celebrities, age 60+, for a “fight to the death” battle royale. Age at the time of the episode counts—so a legendary tough guy who’s now 90 is drafted as a 90-year-old.
Draft Picks & Rationales
Mike’s Team:
- Keanu Reeves (age 61): Chosen for martial arts skill and being relatively spry.
- Mike: "He has actual martial arts training and...the age advantage over a lot of these other old[ies]."
- Jean-Claude Van Damme (64): Split-master, bona fide action man.
- Danny Trejo (81): The real-life tough guy, “knows how to really handle business.”
- Jason: “That dude is like, gang stuff...he served time in San Quentin and Folsom.” [56:54]
- Bo Jackson (63): All-around athletic legend with “broad skill set.”
Jason’s Team:
- Jackie Chan (71): Legendary for both stunt work and martial arts.
- Jason: “That guy kicks so much butt.”
- Wesley Snipes (63): Chosen for action roles (Blade), and real martial arts chops.
- Jason: “The only thing that could defeat Wesley Snipes was... tax evasion.”
- J.K. Simmons (70): “So old and so jacked...when he wants to be scary – he is really scary.”
- Tom Cruise (63): Notorious for his wild stunts (Mission Impossible series).
- Jason: “Has Sylvester Stallone strapped himself to an aeroplane and taken off?”
Andy’s Team:
- Arnold Schwarzenegger (78): “A mountain of a man...I think against all these old men, I've got a strong man against Oldman.”
- Chuck Norris (85): “Unbeatable at any age...when Chuck Norris does a push-up, he pushes the world down.”
- Chuck’s martial arts credentials are debated, but Andy stands by his status.
- Sylvester Stallone (79): “When it comes time to box and punch...Stallone’s five, ten. Boom.”
- Multiple jokes dispute Stallone’s true height.
- Herschel Walker (63): Former NFL great, “famous for doing, like, 1,000 pushups a day.”
- Jason: “Some screws have come loose...fight to the death.”
Notable Draft-Related Quotes:
- Jason: “When it comes time to actually finish the kill...Danny Trejo would be like, ‘here, walk out of the way, I’ll take his throat.’” [57:01]
- Debates ensue on real fighting prowess vs. Hollywood legend.
Honorable Mentions & Near-Misses
- Liam Neeson, Harrison Ford, Patrick Stewart, Bryan Cranston, Robert Downey Jr. (not yet 60), Viggo Mortensen, Mel Gibson, Billy Blanks (“Tybo” guy).
- Andy: "I wanted Shaq, but Shaq's 53. That would be unfair." [66:09]
Running Jokes & Episode Tone
- Classic self-deprecation—from underwear stories to losing "the goose."
- Mock-serious debates about childhood trauma, cleanliness, and legendary action figures’ fighting abilities.
- Roasting the producer for live snafus sprinkled throughout the “Guess Goose” segment.
- Running gags about age, strength, and the surprising admissions of bodily habits.
- Jason: “I got a little more faith in humanity with the people who admit that they pee in the shower.” [66:44]
Memorable Quotes & Moments
- Mike, on Super Bowl heartbreak: “I leave, I become clinically depressed...a week later, my wife’s brother asks, 'what’s wrong with Mike?'” [14:23]
- Jason: “Here I am as a 40 plus year old man talking about this thing that was traumatic for me.” [09:50]
- Andy: "Soap blows my mind, man." [19:40]
- Andy, on minority opinions: "My opinions are correct but the minority of people have good opinions. That’s what I’ve learned." [43:12]
- Jason, on Danny Trejo: “That man's not skin anymore. It's just leather.” [57:34]
- Andy, defending Chuck Norris: "He did! He went and he beat people up...professional undefeated karate master." [54:29]
Key Segment Timestamps
- Burlap Boxers Debate: [03:46–11:20]
- Traumatic Underwear Story: [07:09–11:14]
- Super Bowl Would-You-Rather: [11:20–16:16]
- No Soap vs. No Toothpaste: [16:16–20:12]
- Guess Guess Goose Game: [24:04–45:59]
- Includes drinking milk, shower-peeing, salsa heat, penny-picking, right arm blood draws, razors
- Senior Citizen Battle Royale Draft: [45:59–65:46]
- Honorable Mentions & Wrap-up: [65:14–67:00]
Final Thoughts & Lessons
- The right answer is sometimes the unpopular one.
- Never wear cartoon underwear past third grade.
- Don’t go to the Super Bowl if heartbreak is avoidable.
- Most people really do pee in the shower.
- Never trust a substitute producer to have the answer key ready.
- Chuck Norris facts will always be debated, but Mr. Norris is always chosen.
Tone
- Playful, self-effacing, and bursting with man-child camaraderie.
- Frequent ribbing, wordplay, and sincerity about sports and weird life choices.
- Family-friendly, quick-witted, and overflowing with nostalgic references.
For fans old and new, this episode is a classic blend of nonsense and nostalgia, with plenty of laughs and some surprisingly deep reflections on sports, hygiene, and hero worship. Don’t fight a team with both Norris and Stallone—or maybe do if you’re bringing Danny Trejo.