Burp Challenge Gone WRONG & Food You Can’t Just Have One Of - Comedy Podcast

Summary

Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Episode 357

Burp Challenge Gone WRONG & Food You Can’t Just Have One Of
Release Date: February 23, 2026
Hosts: Andy, Mike, Jason, and Al Borland (Producer)

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Episode Overview

This energetic episode of the two-time Comedy Podcast of the Year delivers the Spitballers’ signature blend of goofball banter and absurd deep-dives with one particularly memorable twist: the infamous “Burp Challenge” debacle. Andy, Mike, and Jason banter through life’s greatest, weirdest food temptations, all while battling through bodily discomfort, questionable science, and impromptu live experiments. Plus, fan-favorite games “Would You Rather” and “Man of the People” bring chaotic audience energy and wild survey results.

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Key Highlights & Timestamps

Opening Banter and Crew Roasting (01:32 – 03:19)

• The trio gets to roasting their production crew, joking about titles like “Executive Assistant to the Janitor,” installing a “bulletproof” glass ceiling for junior staff, and ribbing each other over their elaborate podcast set.
  • “We just keep lowering the ceiling.” – Andy [03:17]
• Early banter sets the playful, self-effacing tone for the episode.

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The Draft: Foods You Can’t Have Just One Of – Setup & Philosophy (03:26 – 04:15)

• The group sets up a food-themed draft: “Foods you can’t have just one of.”
• Hilarious quibbling over what counts as “one,” especially with ice cream: “You can’t pick ice cream because there is no 'one.'” – Jason [04:11]
• Jason transitions to a classic marital rant about his wife’s refusal to use an ice cream scoop, leading to extended debate about utensils and kitchen morality.

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MEMORABLE QUOTE

Jason, exasperated:
“My number one pet peeve with my wife…she finds no purpose in the existence of an ice cream scoop.” [05:31]
Mike counters, deadpan:
“That’s the real demon.” [07:43]

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Would You Rather: National Anthem Nightmares (09:02 – 17:04)

• Andy shares his “hillbilly band” story of singing both US and Canadian anthems acapella at a county fair convention.
• Would you rather projectile vomit during the Super Bowl anthem or forget the lyrics?
  • Jason: “Projectile vomiting isn’t on you. Forgetting lyrics: What an idiot.” [14:22]
  • Mike defends forgetting lyrics as more relatable, referencing real-life anthem mishaps and crowd empathy [14:44]
• Tangents into U.S. national anthem traditions, sporting event culture, and the philosophical importance of flags—indoors or outdoors.
  • Jason: “If it’s outdoors where a flag can fly, you sing it. If it’s indoors, you don’t need to sing it.” [15:44]

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“Endless Burp Loop” Would You Rather & Mike’s Secret (18:29 – 24:47)

Prompt: Eat a cup of chili every time you fart, or drink 12oz of soda every time you burp?

• The guys debate the physics and personal consequences of each (“infinite chili fart loop” vs. “never-ending soda burp loop”).
• Mike’s shocking revelation: He literally cannot burp, a lifelong “burpless” condition now revealed live:
  • “I have burped… I could count on my hands. I don’t know how to burp.” – Mike [22:22]
  • Jason: “The big bean boy over here has never burped in his life.” [21:54]
• Live challenge: Mike is handed a 20oz can of A&W Root Beer and tasked with chugging it to see if he can finally burp.

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MEMORABLE MOMENT:

Mike drinks the whole soda, endures intense discomfort, but STILL cannot burp – only increased flatulence, to the delight and disgust of everyone in the room.
“I am sweating. I am hurting, guys. …If I could burp, I would burp. I feel like a one out of ten.” – Mike [36:01]
“Have you ever seen when they do that to cows? They have to degas cows. …Someone come degas me.” – Mike [55:00]

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Medical Mystery: The Burpless Condition Explained (24:49 – 29:13)

• Mike’s rare condition is confirmed by producer research as “retrograde cricopharyngeus dysfunction (RCPD)” a.k.a. “burptox” (Botox for burping).
  Andy, astounded:
  “You have burps in there from your childhood. They’re fossilized.” [26:06]
  Jason: “He needs a pressure valve.” [40:51]

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Man of the People: Family Feud-Style Survey Game (29:44 – 44:08)

• Questions & Surprising Answers:
  1. Famous men with long hair? (Jesus, Fabio, Samson…)
     • “Samson! Two are biblical!” – Andy [31:40]
  2. Things you run out of writing space on? (Greeting card, Post-It, Hand…)
  3. School behaviors kids get away with today? (Phones, Ditching, Talking back…)
  4. Countries known for beer? (“Germany,” “Belgium,” muttered through root beer agony)
  5. Animals with terrifying bites? (Snake, Dog, Shark, Alligator…)
  6. Most annoying Sesame Street characters? (“Big Bird,” “Elmo,” “Oscar the Grouch”)
  7. Double points: What do you see a lot of in California? (“Ocean/beaches,” “Palm trees,” “Celebrities”)
• Throughout, Mike is physically wilting, describing his inflating stomach in grim detail, and farting frequently, to Jason and Andy’s horror.
• “I need a cow syringe.” – Mike [56:34]
• “I learned that if you can’t burp, you should not immediately down 20 ounces of root beer on the air.” – Mike [58:21]

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Draft: Foods You Can’t Have Just One Of (47:53 – End)

• Top picks:
  • French fries (Mike): “Who eats ONE fry?”
  • Potato chips (Jason): “There was literally a campaign: ‘Bet you can’t eat just one’.”
  • Tortilla chips (Andy): “If you go to a Mexican restaurant… impossible to stop at one.”
  • M&Ms, Mozzarella sticks, Cheez-Its, Thin crust pizza, Wings, Cookies, Popcorn, Pistachios
• The conversation continues with more food philosophy, Jason’s medical collapse, and laughter at the body horror Mike is experiencing.

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Notable Quotes & Comedy Gold

On ice cream etiquette:
“She’ll bend a spoon in half. You make an ice cream scoop for a reason!” – Jason [07:30]

On Mike’s physiological anomaly:
“I can’t believe… Let’s send him to burp camp.” – Andy [23:23]

After Mike chugs the root beer:
“I feel like I want to go to bed and not wake up.” – Mike [38:25]
“You look 30 pounds heavier, like you gained 30 pounds of root beer.” – Andy [52:29]

On foods you can’t have just one of:
“Would you rather have no French fries available, or only one French fry at a time forever?” – Jason [49:28]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• [01:32] – Show opens, crew banter
• [03:26] – Draft topic intro (“Foods You Can’t Have Just One Of”)
• [05:31] – Jason’s “ice cream scoop” marital rant
• [09:02] – “Would You Rather” (National Anthem)
• [18:29] – “Would You Rather” (Chili vs Soda/Fart vs Burp)
• [21:54] – Mike’s “I can’t burp” confession
• [33:37] – Mike’s live root beer chug (and immediate fallout)
• [29:44–44:08] – “Man of the People” survey game
• [47:53] – Spitballers Draft: Foods You Can’t Have Just One Of

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Episode Tone and Vibe

The show’s language and tone are pure Spitballers: self-deprecating dad humor, fast-paced riffing, friendly trash talk, and running bits that build episode-to-episode. The episode is especially physical—Mike’s non-burping predicament is both genuinely fascinating and completely hilarious, driving much of the episode’s laughter and sympathy. There’s a true sense of camaraderie, absurdity, and real friendship, with all absurd topics handled with family-friendly goofiness and a willingness to get a little silly and a lot vulnerable.

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For the Uninitiated: Why Listen?

• Wild food debates and the kind of arguments you only get from best friends who know each other too well.
• Genuine, unique comedy moments: who else does a live “burp-off”?
• Listener-interactive games with bizarre and hilarious survey results.
• One-of-a-kind camaraderie that makes everyone wish they could be in the room.

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Final Message:
If you want a laugh-out-loud journey into food cravings, bodily malfunctions, and the deep philosophy of utensils—with a host nearly exploding from root beer and pride—this episode is one for the ages.

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Best enjoyed with a can of A&W…and a safe distance from your nearest “big bean boy.”

Transcript

[Andy]

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[Mike]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason.

[Jason]

I'm glad you brought it up at the end.

[Andy]

Yeah, it was a. It was a sneak attack.

[Jason]

It was.

[Mike]

It was a sneeze attack from the bushes.

[Andy]

Sounded like a sneeze.

[Mike]

Yeah, it was very.

[Jason]

God bless you.

[Mike]

It very much reminded me of a sneeze. I don't know. Owl did it. Did you. Can you hear a sneeze out of that?

[Andy]

No, I love it.

[Al Borland]

I thought it was great. It was musical and had a nice climax.

[Jason]

It was great. Why don't you guys just kiss?

[Andy]

This is why Jeremy is the senior producer of our content.

[Jason]

Well, it's episode 357, so you're sitting

[Andy]

by the junior producer who didn't really help set up the set.

[Jason]

Did Josh do anything today?

[Andy]

No, he's. I mean, well, he sat down and he was like, hey, do this, do this.

[Al Borland]

In Josh's defense, he did half of

[Andy]

Matt's job is Josh.

[Jason]

What was Matt's job? To set up the desk.

[Andy]

Correct. Josh.

[Mike]

Oh, my gosh.

[Andy]

What title have we given you?

[Jason]

He did half Of a job that was easy. I think it is executive assistant.

[Andy]

No, no, no, no, no. What exactly?

[Mike]

Would never have the word assistant to the regional manager.

[Jason]

Executive assistant to the janitor.

[Andy]

There we go. There we go. Would you rather, man, oh, my. I had a panic attack that you had an executive in your name.

[Jason]

No, no. We're so far from that.

[Andy]

Can we please make sure it says junior?

[Jason]

We installed a glass ceiling for Josh,

[Andy]

but it's like, bulletproof.

[Jason]

It's a bulletproof glass polycarbonate. Would you rather.

[Andy]

Man of the people. You will never shatter the glass ceiling, Josh. Never.

[Jason]

We lower it. We just keep lowering the ceiling. The draft today, foods. You can't have just one of. So we have Mike. Mike's got the first pick, but we're

[Andy]

drafting what a draft to have the first pick.

[Jason]

You can't have just one of. You can follow the spitballers at spitballers pod on.

[Andy]

You have a one on one. So all foods. Hold on, hold on. You have a one. Like a clear.

[Mike]

I think there are two, so I'm happy to have the second pick.

[Andy]

Okay. Like I said, if there's two, then there's not a one.

[Jason]

You going pander bear today?

[Mike]

No, I don't think so. I'm going with what? I can't just eat one of.

[Jason]

Okay. I think there's a lot of good answers, though. Yeah, I actually have one that I think is the most authentic answer. Neither of you will.

[Mike]

Ice cream. I can't just eat one ice cream.

[Jason]

You can't pick ice cream because there is no one.

[Mike]

One pint. That's what you would say. I can't eat just one pint.

[Andy]

One scoop.

[Jason]

Not even a scoop. I mean, it just. It's not quantifiable into one and two and three. Like, give me three ice cream, please.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's really tough because what I'm happy to say. What's a scoop?

[Mike]

You know what I mean?

[Jason]

Like, it depends.

[Andy]

Yeah, a scoop. You go. You go into an old bnr.

[Jason]

Oh, my gosh, dude. Can I rant about my wife, please?

[Mike]

About your wife?

[Jason]

Can I rant about my wife?

[Andy]

The floor is. Give him the spotlight, dude.

[Mike]

Let's go.

[Andy]

Let's go. Do we have lighting availability?

[Mike]

Yeah, Jeremy can do anything.

[Jason]

He can't do that.

[Andy]

Hold up, wait. No, hold on, hold on, hold on. We got a big look at him working on.

[Mike]

Oh, my gosh. So unprepared.

[Andy]

I called you the senior.

[Mike]

I said he can do anything.

[Jason]

You did it. He just did it.

[Mike]

Yeah, he did it with. And we're not editing that out.

[Andy]

You.

[Mike]

The whole world's going to watch. You were unprepared.

[Jason]

Now, my. My words are of more consequence.

[Andy]

Yeah, but I also need.

[Jason]

We've been married for 20 years.

[Andy]

Hold on. Just real quick for a timeout. You're telling me that Matt has. No. You're shaking your head. You just don't have access over there on Spitballers.

[Jason]

Listen, he's doing two jobs.

[Andy]

Okay?

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah.

[Andy]

No, we're okay. We're okay.

[Jason]

All right.

[Mike]

Put your wife on blast.

[Andy]

I got really.

[Jason]

We've been married for 20 years.

[Andy]

I got nervous.

[Jason]

My number one pet peeve with my wife.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

She finds no purpose in the existence of an ice cream scoop.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

She believes.

[Andy]

Oh, wait, hold on.

[Jason]

That it is just you part. Blanche. Go ahead.

[Andy]

I ask your questions. By ice cream psychosis, I mean I'm in the dark. Why did we go to my camera?

[Al Borland]

We're talking.

[Andy]

Oh, my gosh.

[Jason]

No, go back to the main camera.

[Andy]

By scoop. Now we're all dark. By scoop, do you mean the. The actual physical tool, the scooper?

[Jason]

Yes. The one designed for what? What else could he mean?

[Andy]

Well, when I go to a store or when I go to B and R, I'm like, hey, give me one scoop. I don't know, man. The measurements.

[Jason]

Listen, our entire marriage, she has insisted upon using a standard. And we've had the big spoon, small spoon. Yeah, yeah.

[Andy]

Okay. So big spoon. She's cheap.

[Jason]

She has insisted on using a big or small spoon in lieu of a ice cream scoop because.

[Andy]

And ice cream scoop.

[Jason]

And ice cream scoop.

[Mike]

I would have it if you didn't.

[Jason]

Because she doesn't want to have to wash it.

[Andy]

I understand that. What in the crap. It's a rinse.

[Mike]

Okay, hold on.

[Al Borland]

It's not a wash.

[Mike]

Hold on. It's ice cream. I could. I could. I can cut right through the flaw of that logic pretty easily. You know what? You still have to wash. Boom.

[Andy]

You gotta wash something. Well, she would argue.

[Jason]

You'd eat with the spoon, then. Yeah, yeah.

[Andy]

You know, it washes the spoon.

[Jason]

You know how easy it is to wash an ice cream spoon mouth.

[Mike]

Okay, watch this.

[Andy]

I get that.

[Jason]

I'm done. I get.

[Andy]

I told.

[Jason]

It's so much.

[Andy]

But when do you do it?

[Jason]

It's powerful.

[Mike]

When do you.

[Andy]

When do you wash the. Go. That's a problem.

[Jason]

You throw it in the. You throw it in the.

[Al Borland]

Yeah.

[Andy]

No, no, no, no, no. You're against yourself right now because you delay. How long do you delay as the ice cream dried and now you have dry sugar.

[Jason]

Rinse and drop.

[Mike]

Dry ice cream is not that. It's not like dry Mac.

[Jason]

What are we talking about? Isn't that tar?

[Andy]

This is not a tar pit. Yes, it's not a tar pit. Anything that is sugary, maybe.

[Jason]

You guys with your mixins, it's really hard to get off of them, but this has been the biggest. She'll bend a spoon in half. Get an ice cream. You make an ice cream scoop for a reason.

[Mike]

That's the real demon woman. If you don't want.

[Andy]

I'm team Brie.

[Mike]

Oh, my gosh.

[Andy]

Team Brie.

[Jason]

Oh, my gosh.

[Andy]

If you don't want, minimize the washing.

[Mike]

Look, if you don't want an ice cream scoop, minimize because you can use a spoon. Yeah, that's fine.

[Jason]

I hope we don't use a ladle with your soup.

[Mike]

Mike, however. Oh, crap. Yeah, yeah, that's a great counter argument because of course you want a ladle with a custom.

[Jason]

It's a custom item.

[Andy]

You don't even want to see what happens when I make spaghetti. There's like five spoons.

[Jason]

Yeah, there is. Fine. It's part of it.

[Mike]

But if you don't want to use a ladle for your soup and you don't want to use an ice cream scoop for your ice cream, then don't own them. If you own them.

[Andy]

If you purchase and you're taking a

[Mike]

room in your drawer, hide it.

[Andy]

There's only certain times you can use it.

[Jason]

She'll put it in, like, the lowest drawer, the furthest away. Not a joke.

[Mike]

She hides it in the garbage can. Yeah, right before garbage goes out.

[Andy]

Oh, man, I have no.

[Jason]

I hate her.

[Andy]

I have no idea. I have no idea where my ice cream scooper is.

[Jason]

Oh, that's so you just grab a spoon.

[Andy]

I don't have ice cream in my house, Andy.

[Jason]

Oh. Because one thing leads to another.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

I'm not a. I'm not a true believer as you are.

[Jason]

Look, I've started a religion.

[Andy]

Oh, hail.

[Jason]

Let's do some. Would you rather. Would you rather, Chris from the website? You were selected, slash, forced to sing the national anthem at the Super Bowl.

[Mike]

Congratulations to us.

[Andy]

Have I talked about my singing of anthems? You've done this on this podcast.

[Mike]

No, I don't.

[Jason]

Well, hold on. Do you want me to ask the rest of the question or.

[Andy]

No, I'll just tell my story quickly.

[Jason]

Have you sung?

[Andy]

Oh, brother, have I. Not only have I acapella. Oh, by yourself? No, no, in a group. In a group. Because before we got into this game of the podcast space. I was in a band, a like a fair band, as I would call it, where we took classic rock songs and then we would, you know, reimagine them as if hillbillies, like mountain hillbillies. We're talking banjo, washboard, big old beards. Yeah, I was, I was big. I was in the band with my father in law, Bob, and it was like that's how we performed the songs. And so I was like, I had a personality. I was sloppy Joe. That was. That's what I went by. I wore like, you know,

[Jason]

I can't

[Andy]

think of long johns.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

And, and things for my costume. But we went to. There was the, the. The fair business guys. It's a big business.

[Mike]

Really.

[Jason]

We don't know that world.

[Andy]

And they.

[Jason]

Jason, don't know it.

[Andy]

They got conventions and everything. Okay, so pretty.

[Jason]

Wait, these are separate. These aren't fairs. You go to a convention.

[Andy]

Correct.

[Jason]

Affair.

[Andy]

Yeah. Like imagine a business.

[Mike]

Oh, for real?

[Andy]

Yeah. Where it's like you set up a booth and like you, you sell your wares of like, hey, are you a fair. Would you like us to come perform for you?

[Mike]

Does that mean, like, is Gravitron. Does Gravitron have a booth?

[Andy]

Well, that's rides. We're not. I was in the performer area.

[Mike]

I was not in the.

[Andy]

The ride. I was. I was the performer of music. So we're at that thing and for whatever reason they decide, hey, we're going to have the big opening, like, you know, main stage, where we're going to have really important fair people. I don't know. But. But you know what we got to do? We got. We got to sing the anthem.

[Mike]

Which.

[Andy]

Number one.

[Jason]

Yeah, weird. Number two for the convention.

[Andy]

Yeah, for the commit. Number two. This is a. Not just a. Not just a United States. This is a North America. So our friends from Canada are also involved.

[Jason]

So it's two separate anthems.

[Andy]

So there's two separate anthems.

[Jason]

So that's God Save the Queen, right? That's the name of the Canadian.

[Andy]

That would be the English O. Canada is how theirs starts. Are true in native land. So I mean, they're not even close. Andy. Canada and England.

[Mike]

Well, to be fair, the Queen. I think the Queen actually has. They swear fealty to the queen jurisdiction over.

[Jason]

Do they?

[Andy]

I thought it was all at the PM over there.

[Mike]

However.

[Jason]

However, God Save the Queen song

[Mike]

I do love though that you are talking about. This is not just the United States of America. This is North America. So obviously it's Canada and The US and completely with no Mexican anthem, right?

[Andy]

No, that's North America, too. Central America in North America.

[Mike]

Mexico's part of North America.

[Jason]

It is.

[Andy]

It is. Well, they were not representative.

[Jason]

I almost feel like you asking. That is the biggest insult here.

[Andy]

Well, I. I'm a stupid North. I'm stupid United States.

[Jason]

You're thinking Central America is its own thing.

[Andy]

I was. No, no, no, no, no, no. I started. I was going to say I'm a stupid American, and then I realized I shouldn't say it like that. And. What. Whatever. I look stupid. So, anyways, now we have been signed up for by the band leaders. Like, oh, hey, guys, this is a really great opportunity. We're gonna go acapella, sing the national Anthem. And we're like, ooh, okay, that like it. It. That's a tough song. So I like. I empathize with. Anytime I watch someone sing the anthem, I'm like, that song is tough.

[Jason]

Especially.

[Andy]

It's a tough song if you have no backing track. That's a tough song. And then he's like, oh, yeah. On top of that, we are also going to learn and sing the Canadian.

[Jason]

Oh, you had to sing that one, too.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

I believe you.

[Andy]

Canada, Our ruined native land True something love and above God save the Queen Yes. Yeah. God save the Queen. So we learned that the night before. So I have definitely a cappella, sang the national anthem with a group and the Canadian National Anthem in front of probably 500 people.

[Mike]

Wow.

[Andy]

I'm just like, what? What has my life become? We stand on God for thee Yep, that sounds right.

[Jason]

All right, so the rest of the question. You're forced to sing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl. Would you rather projectile vomit in the middle of it or forget the lyrics halfway through? I feel like the projectile vomiting isn't out. I think that's like.

[Andy]

Yeah, you can't forget the lyrics.

[Jason]

Everybody out there is going to be like, you know, if I had to throw up in the middle of it. Poor, poor person. Poor Andy.

[Andy]

It's a.

[Jason]

If you forget the lyrics, it's. What an idiot.

[Andy]

Yeah, man.

[Mike]

I kind of feel the opposite because. Do you remember the girl that was singing the national anthem? I think it was.

[Andy]

Yes, yes.

[Mike]

And he just helped her out. It was like this nice moment. You know, people forget lyrics if that's. Which one is more embarrassing? Because keep in mind, forgetting the lyrics really fight. So projectile vomiting in front of I

[Andy]

am an insane magnitude.

[Jason]

That's on you. The vomiting is not on you.

[Mike]

It could be.

[Jason]

I mean, it could end up on.

[Andy]

But here's the thing. If you forget the lyrics, not only have you butchered the national anthem, which we.

[Jason]

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

[Andy]

Guys.

[Jason]

Oh, nice. Oh, no.

[Andy]

Yeah. No. Yes. Yes.

[Jason]

Oh, no.

[Andy]

Yes. Before every sporting event.

[Jason]

Here's my.

[Andy]

Why?

[Jason]

You want to know my policy? Why?

[Andy]

What are you doing?

[Jason]

Here's what I believe.

[Andy]

Play ball.

[Jason]

Here's what I believe. It will fix your problem at this convention right here, please. And I'm inventing it as I go. Here's the rule.

[Andy]

I have a very strong conviction about this.

[Jason]

If it's outdoors where a flag can fly in the wind, you sing it. If it's indoors, you don't need to sing it.

[Mike]

Because usually the flag is, like, on the video screen.

[Jason]

I don't need it on a screen. I don't need it sitting there without wind blowing. If it's out where the wind can blow it, I will pay homage and sing the song. But if it's indoors, can I ask.

[Mike]

More efficient? What about special occasion? It's the giant field size flag that everyone's waving.

[Andy]

Does that count?

[Jason]

Fake wind. You're talking about fake wind. Fake wind.

[Mike]

But it's a big waving flag.

[Andy]

It's a real flag.

[Jason]

If a flag bigger than the size of a tank is in the vicinity, you sing it.

[Mike]

All right. I agree. I get it.

[Andy]

We're all Americans here.

[Jason]

Maybe that's. This is Mike. Anti tradition. Mike. Every tradition doesn't suck, Mike.

[Andy]

But here's the thing.

[Jason]

Traditions are. If you don't do it, most of them do. Listen.

[Mike]

Most of them do. A lot of them do listen.

[Jason]

If you don't sing it, you'll never sing it. That's the thing. Sometimes you got to force it.

[Andy]

No, no, no, no. Olympics. We ride. We ride, baby.

[Jason]

And then.

[Andy]

Usa. Usa.

[Mike]

You don't know the lyrics. You're like. You're like, oh, America, that's our warmups.

[Andy]

So. So when the Olympics hit, like, we're all ready.

[Mike]

Yeah. I like the national anthem.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Here's the thing.

[Jason]

Something to bond us, Mike.

[Andy]

Yeah, but it. Have you ever been to a sporting event?

[Mike]

Many. Of course.

[Andy]

Right? You ever been to a sporting event involving, I don't know, the Arizona Cardinals and, let's just say, the Raiders?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Are we. Are we a united front? We are. How many fights do you see?

[Jason]

Many.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

How many more would you see without the anthem? Is the real question. Oh, man. It's a lot more.

[Andy]

And listen, it could be half the stadium.

[Jason]

Listen. It does give you the occasional opportunity to hear somebody amazing sing It. They don't all suck. Sometimes you do get a really special most. I know, I know, I know. I'm sure yours did, but no, bro, bro.

[Andy]

I was on the bass, man.

[Jason]

Did you base the entire anthem? No. Lyrics?

[Andy]

No, he means I was. I was on the lower end of the. No, I wasn't on the bass guitar. I was on the bass. It's a. It's a musical group. There are. There are five singers. You have to have different parts and based off of the timbre of your voice. Yeah, that's what I did. Yeah, I scattered the whole time. I threw out a beding. The fair company was not having the bedinghy, though. Jenny from Twitter.

[Jason]

Would you rather have to eat an entire cup of chili every time you fart,

[Andy]

but then you just fart more

[Jason]

or drink 12 ounces of soda every time you burp, then you burp more? That's the joke. I mean, that's the question. An entire. An entire cup of chili, man. I. Dude, on a scale of one to a thousand, I love chili. How much do you love chili? I love one to a thousand.

[Mike]

One to a thousand. Five hundred.

[Jason]

I'm five hundred.

[Mike]

I am exactly neutral sometimes.

[Andy]

Hold on, I got some.

[Jason]

If it's a meat based chili, I might be 600.

[Andy]

Are we. Are we okay?

[Mike]

If there's no meat, it's not chili.

[Andy]

Well, yeah, of course.

[Jason]

No, not according to chili people.

[Mike]

That's beans.

[Andy]

Yeah. No, no, beans is the question. It's not meat. Meat is always in chili.

[Jason]

Is beans jamming so many beans in. But it's delicious. Stop jamming that many beans in.

[Andy]

I. Oh, man, I like the beans.

[Jason]

You're a big bean boy.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah.

[Jason]

You're a big bada dude.

[Mike]

Yeah. Beans are so good.

[Jason]

Are you a big bean boy?

[Andy]

Oh, no way.

[Al Borland]

Get that out of my chili meat.

[Jason]

Meat over beans?

[Mike]

You just want to see over beans.

[Andy]

Oh, man, I love.

[Jason]

Wait, I see Papa Josh shaking and say, you're a big bean boy.

[Al Borland]

Once again, Mike proves why he has the better.

[Andy]

Thank you, Josh.

[Jason]

You're a big bean boy.

[Al Borland]

Yeah.

[Jason]

You got to have beans and chili, man. Jason, are you a big bean?

[Andy]

I'm upgrading you from junior Josh.

[Mike]

I'm a pretty big bean boy. I think. Like, I don't want all beans in my chili.

[Jason]

Still rule, man.

[Mike]

Beans are great.

[Andy]

Beans are great.

[Jason]

But do they rule?

[Andy]

Yes, Jason.

[Jason]

You know, beans rule.

[Mike]

Beans rule.

[Andy]

Thank you, Jason.

[Mike]

Beans rule. Yes. Look, refried beans.

[Andy]

Beans are great. No, beans rule.

[Mike]

Chili beans are great.

[Jason]

Hey, bro, pass me the beans.

[Mike]

Black beans are Great.

[Andy]

Yeah. When I get chipotle bean guy.

[Jason]

Hey, Jeremy, you want to go get some meat instead of beans?

[Al Borland]

Heck, yeah.

[Mike]

Yeah, let's get some meat when I get chipotle. Now, this is a recent revelation in the last year. Okay, Extra beans I get.

[Andy]

I didn't say that.

[Mike]

I get pinto and black.

[Andy]

Oh, half and half or extra?

[Mike]

I get half and half.

[Jason]

Dude, that's a big bean boy.

[Mike]

I'm a big bean boy.

[Jason]

Big boy.

[Mike]

I'm a pretty big bean boy.

[Jason]

Dude, beans rule. How did you go 500 on chili if you're a big bean boy? That's a.

[Andy]

That's a great question. I put myself at about. I'll go 850.

[Jason]

You're an 850 because you're a bean boy.

[Mike]

Yeah. Either way, not all chili is good.

[Andy]

That's true.

[Jason]

It is a wide range.

[Andy]

You know why? And you know how I know that? Because they have chili offs. They have contests. Anytime you have a contest is, like, that means that there's bad ones.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

So is there a point then, Mike, where you'd be like, man, this chili's okay, but you should have more beans?

[Andy]

Of course, the mixture, the percentage, it does matter.

[Jason]

You can't.

[Andy]

There should always be more meat than bean in a chili.

[Jason]

Okay, So, I mean, that's not a common opinion. Always meat is. Is very delicious.

[Andy]

But a.

[Jason]

If I have to eat a cup of chili every time I fart, dude, I'm a. I'm a dead man.

[Mike]

I'll.

[Andy]

I'll eat beanless chili.

[Jason]

I'm a dead man. 12 ounces of soda every time you burp. Now, the problem is a lot. If you eat 12. If you drink 12 ounces of soda, you will burp again.

[Andy]

It will be an infinite loop.

[Jason]

That is a loop.

[Andy]

Have you guys ever done the, like. I don't know if there's, like, an official challenge, but it's like, drink an entire can of soda before you let out a single belch, you idiots. What?

[Mike]

You guys speak?

[Andy]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

I just. He can't.

[Mike]

I can't.

[Andy]

He can't.

[Mike]

I can't burp.

[Andy]

That must be excruciating.

[Mike]

I don't know. It's just Life.

[Andy]

It's episode 357.

[Jason]

I want to make clear that people out there understand that the big bean boy over here has never burped in his life. He has a biological. Like, other people have different biological conditions. Maybe. Maybe Michael Phelps has an oversized heart so he can swim faster. Maybe. Yeah, Lance Armstrong. Whatever. He can.

[Andy]

He can he's got other things. He's a little lighter now, but he's.

[Jason]

But Jason's superpower somehow that his biologics prohibit burping.

[Mike]

I have burped. I could count on my hands. How many times. Yeah, like there's been a surprise.

[Jason]

You.

[Mike]

Oh, it's always. It can only be. I don't know how to burp.

[Andy]

I can't burp because your body just does it.

[Mike]

I could. You throat burp, bro. 2 liter of the most bubbly soda in the world.

[Jason]

You do throat burp?

[Andy]

No.

[Mike]

And I. I couldn't burp.

[Andy]

No. I don't. I don't believe you.

[Jason]

Maybe you burp all the time. You're sleeping.

[Andy]

But I hear you. But we hear you gurgle like a lion.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Andy]

It comes out. You burp while you're talking like a toad.

[Mike]

I, I. I get the. I get the. Throat burps is what I call them, but.

[Andy]

Because they're burps.

[Mike]

But they don't come out. They don't come out of my mouth.

[Andy]

Yes, they. Where do they come out?

[Mike]

Well, I'm saying they don't belch. They don't. There is no belch.

[Jason]

This is a little bit of an identity thing now. Like, if you started burping tomorrow, you'd be fine.

[Andy]

An SPD is not a fart.

[Mike]

I would not. Andy. I would love if I could burp tomorrow. You're saying if I had a genie, that might be one of my three.

[Jason]

Can I send you to burp camp?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

I can't believe.

[Jason]

Let's send him to burp camp.

[Andy]

So wild.

[Jason]

So what's your final answer?

[Mike]

Well, I'm going to take soda because that means I don't ever have to do anything.

[Andy]

We.

[Jason]

I can't do that one. I got to do the chili. I feel like I can hold in my farts. I can't hold in.

[Andy]

We got.

[Mike]

How much chili. I'd eat if I took chili.

[Andy]

Chili's so good.

[Mike]

Chili. Yeah, but we got a fart.

[Andy]

We got to sit you down with a can of soda and have you just chug the whole thing.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

Not just any soda. BMW root beer.

[Andy]

Because here's, like, legitimately, if you've never done it and you're just a regular, normal person who can burp, if you have never drank a whole can of soda, forcing it down, not allowing yourself to burp, you get to the end. It is excruciatingly painful.

[Jason]

A and W in particular is like, twice the burps of a normal soda.

[Andy]

I don't know, I don't. I don't. Root beer.

[Jason]

Give it a ride.

[Mike]

You're just talking about a can.

[Andy]

Well, you know, it's just a good measure.

[Jason]

Get us out. Get us a can of A and

[Mike]

w. Get me a can of anything you want while I've done it. And obviously I won't burp because I know I can't burp.

[Jason]

Not like. Or you guys, I know you're not an on demand vending machine.

[Andy]

I'm getting nothing, so I'm going to do. Sirs. Have you guys ever done the thing where you drink a whole can? You're like, I'm going to. I'm going to drink this whole thing before I burp.

[Jason]

No, we've never done that. We're not.

[Andy]

You didn't do that in elementary school?

[Jason]

No.

[Andy]

God, you guys hang out with nerds.

[Jason]

We have vanilla Coke Zero right now. We don't have.

[Al Borland]

There's a.

[Andy]

Give it a look. Coke Zero.

[Jason]

It's probably something Falcon or.

[Andy]

Oh, brother.

[Mike]

I saw his grandma a real. On Instagram talking about my condition. I forget what it's called, but there's a medical condition for people who can't burp. Like, they just physically can't.

[Jason]

Yeah, you're a burpless.

[Mike]

And part of that. Part of the symptoms for that was that they have more gas.

[Andy]

Flatulence, retrograde cricopharyogenous dysfunction.

[Mike]

I mean, they had a way cooler name for it. It was just pretty normal sound.

[Jason]

Hyper Fart syndrome.

[Andy]

I'm just telling you that's from Yale, but apparently the. That's not a.

[Mike]

The cure for it is an injection.

[Andy]

RCPD of both sound like you're. Wait, RCPD is the. Is. That's who they work for in Resident Evil. Thank you, Josh. The video game guy gets it.

[Jason]

But there's.

[Mike]

There's an injection somewhere in your chest you.

[Jason]

That will get. Let you burp.

[Mike]

That will let you.

[Jason]

It's a burp.

[Mike]

They basically take Botox into some spot in your chest.

[Andy]

Botox?

[Mike]

Yeah. And it basically paralyzes something in there that then allows.

[Andy]

You sound like a tracheotomy.

[Mike]

No. So I don't know. Maybe I should get that.

[Jason]

What if he's got burps in there from his childhood? What if they've been stored like fossils?

[Andy]

Like he has, like, fossilized burps.

[Mike]

How stinky would those burps be at this point, bro?

[Andy]

You would be able to.

[Jason]

It'd be like the hot dog you ate in third grade.

[Andy]

A hot dog that would. You could take out a city.

[Jason]

Would you believe that we've been talking about such important things that we have to take a break?

[Andy]

Yeah, I would. Today's show is brought to you by our friends at Gorton's Seafood. Gorton's Seafood isn't new. It's been trusted since 1849. Their over 175 year legacy speaks for itself. When you're choosing dinner, you want to know it's worth it every time. Gorton's delivers uncompromising quality and reliable fresh taste. It's an easy, dependable choice that takes the stress out of mealtime. Gorton's products work for every occasion with a wide variety of products that'll make appetizers like coconut shrimp a breeze to more creative options like new taco tenders to shake things up effortlessly. Solve the snack, appetizer or main meal dilemma with one trusted brand. Fish sticks. Come on people. Fish sticks are delicious. They're fantastic. And Gorton's makes the best ones. My wife loves the fish sandwich as well. It's just, it's great. It's a great product. It's delicious. Visit gortons.com to learn more, find a store and get recipe inspiration.

[Jason]

What's up Spitwads? People keep asking about my 2026 resolutions and I've got the usual goals, you know, like read, read a bunch of books, you know, that type of thing. Keep yourself in shape. But I got a new one at the top of my list. It is get comfy. And that is where Bombas comes in. They're bringing serious comfort to all of your everyday go tos. Maybe this is the year you take up running or tennis or in my case play more pickleball. And I've been wearing the all new Bombas sport socks and they are perfect and they are perfectly comfortable. They're sweat wicking and cushioned where you need them most. They keep you comfy and locked in and they've also got you covered with the comfiest everyday footwear imaginable. Look, I love all of my Bombas products. All of my socks, so comfortable. An actual noticeable difference. And they've got the Sunday slippers. They got all sorts of great stuff. Head over to bombus.com spitballers and use the code spitballers for 20% off your first purchase. That's B O M B-A-S.com spitballers code spitballers at checkout. You're going to love it. All right, the Spitballers podcast. Back again, Andy, Mike and Jason Al Borland.

[Mike]

Do we have time so I'm looking it up. The rcpd.

[Andy]

It's relatively uncommon Botox injections into the

[Mike]

cryosopharyngeus muscle known as the burp talks.

[Andy]

You're telling me you haven't gotten this

[Mike]

procedure are the primary treatment for retrograde sugar dysfunction.

[Jason]

Are you gonna do it?

[Mike]

I don't think I'll do it, but I mean that it's.

[Jason]

Maybe I will.

[Mike]

If a doctor out there that genuinely deals in this right now is listening. And you want to reach out to me and teach me more about this because I.

[Jason]

Is this dangerous, though, for you to fart as much as you do? Is that a dangerous thing?

[Mike]

Definitely. Have it. Like I can't burp. I don't burp. Nothing will ever make me burp.

[Jason]

Does your wife pay the price?

[Mike]

No.

[Jason]

If everything that should go up goes down.

[Mike]

Oh, it all comes out. Everyone has a stinky fart here and there. Most of my farts don't stink for

[Andy]

the amount of times I'm most of mine.

[Jason]

For a man who farts 500 times a day. Yeah, that's not bad. Al, should we move on to man of the People?

[Al Borland]

Let's do it.

[Mike]

What time is it? Game time. Yeah.

[Andy]

All right.

[Jason]

We are back into another edition of man of the People. I claim that I hate this game, but apparently I've won it twice in a row, so.

[Andy]

Seems impossible because you're a man of the people.

[Jason]

The pressure is off. Now a reminder. Everyone out there can play with us. We've surveyed everybody in the world and Al Borland has the answers for us. If you get the first answer, the highest answer on the board. We invented this game, obviously. Three points for that, two points for the second best answer, and one point for any correct answer. That is in the survey results. 7th round is double points. Al Borland begins now.

[Al Borland]

That is correct. And this time we're doing it a little different. We usually have the top five answers on the board. This time, the top six. Seven answers are on the.

[Jason]

Boo.

[Mike]

Boo. Oh,

[Andy]

wait, you have a little. We've been bad.

[Al Borland]

No, it's just.

[Mike]

Just something you usually can't get the top five.

[Al Borland]

Just mixing it up.

[Andy]

It's not you, it's me.

[Jason]

Just it.

[Andy]

Just to be fair.

[Mike]

To be fair to us, which is usually how I operate. Sure. I think he asks very stupid people these questions occasionally.

[Andy]

He does?

[Mike]

Yeah. Because the answers are dumb.

[Jason]

All right, go on.

[Al Borland]

All right, here's round one. Real or fictional? Name a famous man with long hair.

[Jason]

Oh, crap. Famous man with long hair. Gandalf.

[Andy]

Not on the board.

[Jason]

All right, I'm hitting this green.

[Andy]

It turned green, you idiot.

[Mike]

I keep hitting.

[Andy]

I'm hitting this green button.

[Jason]

It's supposed to turn green. No, don't give him more time.

[Al Borland]

Fabio is the number two answer.

[Andy]

Oh, Jesus.

[Al Borland]

Jesus is the number one answer.

[Jason]

Yeah, I hit my button.

[Mike]

Good answer. Good answer.

[Jason]

Gandalf's not real.

[Andy]

Well, he said he's fictional.

[Al Borland]

Yeah, it was real or fictional. Okay, we had Jesus, Fabio, what did

[Jason]

you guys think of Gandalf?

[Andy]

Oh, Samson.

[Jason]

What'd you think?

[Andy]

Oh, we got the top three. We got two are biblical.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Al Borland]

Howard Stern.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah.

[Al Borland]

Hercules, Jason Momoa.

[Jason]

Yeah, what about Gandalf?

[Andy]

Hercules to Jason Momoa. Also. Wait, Hercules had long hair.

[Jason]

I'm in trouble, apparently.

[Al Borland]

Or at least people think he did.

[Jason]

Yeah, he wasn't even real.

[Andy]

All right, round two. I understand that, but I'm saying.

[Jason]

Go on.

[Andy]

Well, no, I got Hercules in the movie. He did.

[Jason]

In the long hair. He had long hair.

[Andy]

No way.

[Jason]

Yeah, he did. Yeah, he did.

[Al Borland]

I mean, define long. But he didn't have, like, a. A ponytail.

[Jason]

He.

[Andy]

And, dude, he's got a mullet. Yeah, I mean, I didn't know Hercules got down like that.

[Jason]

All right, go on.

[Andy]

That's. That's a party in the back.

[Al Borland]

All right, round two. Name something specific you write on where you often run out of space.

[Mike]

Post it note.

[Al Borland]

Post it Note is the number two answer.

[Mike]

Oh, I'm so good at getting the number two

[Andy]

something. Read the question again, please.

[Al Borland]

Name something specific you write on where

[Mike]

you often run out of W sodas. I just saw them brought in.

[Jason]

Notepad.

[Al Borland]

Notepad is the number six answer.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

Something you write on it. Feel pretty good. Space.

[Jason]

Do we really have A and W Rubier in here?

[Andy]

Yes, Matt, there's really seven answers.

[Jason]

Yeah, Mike. Mike's still in.

[Mike]

You can't go up one. We're going 70.

[Jason]

Bring it over here.

[Mike]

All right, what's your answer, Mike?

[Andy]

My hand.

[Al Borland]

Your hand is the number three answer.

[Andy]

Yes, it is.

[Mike]

Eat it.

[Jason]

So stupid.

[Mike]

Oh, this isn't even diet.

[Jason]

No, no. What do you mean, a lot of sugar?

[Al Borland]

Greeting card was the number one answer.

[Andy]

Okay, good answer. That is a good answer.

[Jason]

Diary is 1.

[Al Borland]

Diary is not on the board.

[Jason]

Okay, Gandalf.

[Andy]

Wait, wait, hold on. What are we doing with this root beer? How did we get root beer here?

[Jason]

So I don't know. It's also cold and looks delicious.

[Andy]

That means we had root beer.

[Jason]

Trying to drink as much as you

[Al Borland]

ran to the gas station or something?

[Jason]

Try to drink.

[Andy]

How did he get to the gas station that fast.

[Jason]

I told you. Drink, drink. He went to qt. He really did drink as much.

[Andy]

Oh, he's.

[Mike]

I'll drink this before the show's over.

[Andy]

No, no, but the whole thing is you have to. Oh, you have to rapidly. Yes.

[Jason]

We want to capture a medical emergency.

[Mike]

All right.

[Andy]

That's the whole point.

[Mike]

I didn't know. I don't know what burping is like. I don't know what makes you burp. I love. I've never burped.

[Andy]

I love that you. That I brought up. I was like, it was a challenge. You have to drink the whole thing.

[Jason]

You did mention that a thousand times.

[Andy]

And you're like, well, I'll just sip on this over the next 45 minutes.

[Mike]

For the challenge, the whole thing was if you can drink it without burping.

[Jason]

He's delaying right now. YouTube.com spitballers.

[Andy]

You're burping right now. You don't even know it.

[Jason]

Yeah, you're burping downstairs.

[Mike]

Dude.

[Andy]

Is he. Is he the big friendly Giant? Are we talking whiz poppers here?

[Jason]

He is doing a really good job. He's put down halfway through, so for those listening, he's put down half of an. Aw, it's cold.

[Andy]

Also, the teeth are hurting me.

[Jason]

Yeah, that's. That's tough.

[Andy]

Hey, I commend you, sir. Also.

[Jason]

Unbelievable.

[Andy]

John. I can see the calories.

[Jason]

Holy crap. Here he goes.

[Mike]

Oh, my gosh. 270 calories.

[Andy]

I should not have said anything.

[Jason]

No, no, no.

[Mike]

That's 70 per serving at lunch today. I ate. I got the lettuce wraps for this. Lettuce wraps?

[Andy]

Yeah. I'm sorry.

[Mike]

I'm watching my calories. I'm down to 200. What'd you get after that? What'd you get after that? Sugar water Calories.

[Jason]

What about the red velvet, dummy?

[Mike]

You were the reason for that, Mr. Ice Cream Man.

[Jason]

I got the lettuce wraps, and here I am breaking it with this.

[Andy]

I did everything I possibly could to limit my calories.

[Jason]

Bring me a red velvet cake.

[Al Borland]

We're about 90 through a W. I

[Jason]

know we're playing a game, but we got. That is there's no burps coming out.

[Andy]

Okay, so you're telling me there's really no pressure in here?

[Jason]

There's no pressure in your chest?

[Mike]

I didn't say there's no pressure.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Jason]

It can't come out.

[Mike]

I don't know how to get it out.

[Andy]

So you're just gonna pop. I might finish the throat burp.

[Jason]

Finish it up did he have a throat.

[Andy]

Oh, there's gonna be so many throat burps.

[Jason]

Okay, here we go. We did. He just finished an entire 800 calories. It's eight servings. No, I'm just kidding.

[Al Borland]

How many ounces is that?

[Jason]

16.

[Mike]

It is terrible, man.

[Andy]

Yeah, I know.

[Mike]

20.

[Jason]

20 ounces.

[Andy]

And this is here. Come get this. Where a person who does not have Raccoon City Police Department syndrome would expel a giant dragon.

[Jason]

How you feel?

[Mike]

Need to burp.

[Jason]

Let's so you know you need to burp.

[Mike]

Holy crap.

[Jason]

So you feel inflated?

[Mike]

I feel awful.

[Jason]

Like a balloon. You're a balloon right now I have to fart. Wait, so you immediately have to fart?

[Andy]

Farted.

[Mike]

I don't know if the mic will

[Al Borland]

pick that up, but Jason just ripped one.

[Mike]

I am sweating. I am hurting, guys. This is.

[Jason]

Wait, it happened to me cuz a. I can smell it.

[Mike]

Yeah, I can.

[Jason]

I can smell it.

[Mike]

I feel awful.

[Jason]

Mike, can you smell this?

[Andy]

I can't smell anything ever. Dude.

[Jason]

What? The rock is cooking.

[Mike]

I feel like crap.

[Jason]

Well, because if you.

[Andy]

I told you it was a challenge

[Jason]

and a and W in particular, but

[Mike]

I need to burp.

[Andy]

Don't know. Let it out. Let it out, brother.

[Jason]

Here, take a needle and pop your belly.

[Mike]

I don't know. I mean, if I could burp, I would burp. I don't know how.

[Andy]

Oh, my God. Have to live like this.

[Mike]

I just have to live.

[Andy]

That sucks.

[Mike]

Don't worry, it'll be over gaseous Malfoy.

[Jason]

All right, let's play round three.

[Mike]

I'm telling you right now, Andy, you're smelling so many more parts.

[Jason]

I mean, I want. I want the people out there to

[Mike]

know I know it's happening. I'm gonna poop my pants.

[Al Borland]

There's another fart. Spit wads.

[Jason]

This show is off the rail.

[Andy]

Mike, what have we done?

[Jason]

He's angling into.

[Andy]

What have we done?

[Jason]

Oh, I can smell it. It's so bad. He's openly farting.

[Al Borland]

He also claimed not 20, 20 minutes

[Mike]

ago that his farts don't say usually

[Andy]

these were so they instantaneously smell from an aw ring.

[Jason]

How can they be so fast?

[Andy]

How can you. A body can't do that.

[Jason]

How do you get them down to the bottom so quick?

[Andy]

You got a long. Your intestine track. How long? It's like miles.

[Mike]

Not miles, but like, it's long pressure, Mike.

[Jason]

It's. Dude, I feel very close to throwing up.

[Mike]

I. You will throw up by the end of the season.

[Jason]

Play round three.

[Mike]

I'm not near done.

[Al Borland]

All right, just to update the people, we're through two rounds. Currently we're sitting. Andy has one. Mike and Jason tied for four.

[Mike]

Why did you guys make me do this?

[Jason]

Because we thought we could teach you to burp.

[Mike]

I can't burp. I'm just gonna die.

[Jason]

How do you feel now?

[Mike]

I feel like a one out of ten. I feel awful. I feel like.

[Jason]

Do you feel inflated?

[Mike]

I feel like I want to go to bed and not wake up.

[Andy]

You have to burp,

[Jason]

man.

[Mike]

What do you do? How do you do it?

[Jason]

You. It's like a.

[Al Borland]

You.

[Andy]

You're able to take the flange in your throat and. And you can inhale past it.

[Mike]

Oh. Oh. That was just. That was the throat. The.

[Andy]

Like, it.

[Mike]

There's.

[Jason]

So a bird will come up to your throat, and then it's cut off.

[Mike]

Big problems with me right now.

[Jason]

You want another soda? Force it out.

[Mike]

If I had another soda, I would die. I would die immediately.

[Andy]

I told you it's bad. I told you bad.

[Jason]

Aw. In particular.

[Mike]

So you're telling me twice. Either of you did this? You can relieve this. It will be a massive burp by just.

[Andy]

It would be humongous.

[Mike]

That was awesome. I wish I could do that, Andy.

[Andy]

Yeah. I mean, it would be one of those ones where you're like, oh, we

[Jason]

do have one more if you want it.

[Andy]

Blur it out. Blur it out.

[Jason]

Blur that out for the spitball. All right, round three. Let's go. Jason needs a distraction.

[Andy]

Quick while he can't answer.

[Jason]

Yeah, Go.

[Al Borland]

All right, round three. Name something kids get away with in schools today that they wouldn't have 50 years ago

[Jason]

being on their phones.

[Andy]

Oh, that's a good one.

[Al Borland]

That is the number four answer.

[Jason]

Not good enough.

[Andy]

They get away with

[Mike]

what I'm going to say. Ditching.

[Al Borland]

That is the number five answer.

[Jason]

I just heard a throat.

[Mike]

Yeah, that's the

[Andy]

not doing their homework.

[Al Borland]

That is not on the board.

[Andy]

Okay. Oh, okay.

[Jason]

Wait. Was ditching on the board?

[Al Borland]

Yeah, that was the number five answer.

[Andy]

Okay. Something that kids get away with.

[Al Borland]

Apparently, people think you get away with a lot more because the.

[Jason]

What was the number one answer?

[Al Borland]

The number one answer was talking back then. Swearing, cheating.

[Jason]

I mean, I'm sure it's all.

[Al Borland]

And we had phone.

[Jason]

I'm sure it's all.

[Andy]

Jason is out. Jason.

[Jason]

Look at Jason.

[Andy]

Not good.

[Jason]

Jason feels like garbage.

[Al Borland]

Not good.

[Jason]

Not only has he got like, do

[Andy]

you got to go? Do you need a bathroom break?

[Jason]

Is he sweating?

[Mike]

I need a nap.

[Jason]

He has diabetes.

[Mike]

Time. Only time can heal this.

[Andy]

It has to come out.

[Mike]

It's got a full digest.

[Andy]

It's air.

[Jason]

You can't digest air.

[Andy]

It's air, bro.

[Jason]

It's got to go down or up.

[Andy]

Yeah, you can't digest air. It has to come out.

[Jason]

He needs a pressure valve.

[Mike]

That's. I need this Botox shot. Yeah, Right now, apparently.

[Jason]

Round four. Let's go.

[Al Borland]

Somehow he's winning this game. He has five, Mike has four, and

[Andy]

no, he's not winning.

[Jason]

He's losing.

[Mike]

I am losing this.

[Al Borland]

Name a country that is known for their beer.

[Mike]

Germany.

[Andy]

Oh, that's a great.

[Mike]

That's the number one answer.

[Al Borland]

Of course Germany is the number one answer.

[Andy]

Great answer.

[Jason]

Belgium.

[Al Borland]

Belgium is the number four answer.

[Andy]

United States.

[Al Borland]

That is the number three answer.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

Mexico.

[Al Borland]

Ireland was two.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah.

[Al Borland]

Czech Republic.

[Jason]

Mexico.

[Al Borland]

And Australia.

[Andy]

All right.

[Jason]

I'm still.

[Andy]

Oh, Foster.

[Mike]

Australia's on this list.

[Andy]

They have one fake beer.

[Mike]

We had to go seven deep, Mike.

[Jason]

I'm just saying, like, we have seven rounds total.

[Andy]

I don't know if that's actually a really thing down there.

[Jason]

I'm not dead yet.

[Andy]

That's just the Outback Steakhouse.

[Mike]

Hit the outro.

[Jason]

You need to figure out an outro for these guests.

[Mike]

Oh, I do. I got an outro.

[Andy]

UK, brother. You keep ripping.

[Al Borland]

We got Jason with eight. Mike.

[Andy]

He gonna poop on air.

[Mike]

Mike has dump right here to get rid of this.

[Jason]

Yeah, I know you will because you farted on air. Go on.

[Al Borland]

All right, Jason has eight, Mike has five, Andy has three.

[Andy]

We're going on.

[Al Borland]

Name an animal with a terrifying bite.

[Mike]

Shark.

[Al Borland]

Shark is the number three answer.

[Mike]

Oh, come on.

[Andy]

Lion.

[Al Borland]

Lion is the number four answer.

[Jason]

A dog.

[Mike]

Oh, come on.

[Al Borland]

Dog is the number two answer.

[Mike]

It got to be a gator, alligator or crocodile.

[Al Borland]

That is the number six answer. What number one answer was snake?

[Jason]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Snake.

[Andy]

I guess they have poison.

[Jason]

Yeah. And the fangs. Fangs are a big deal.

[Andy]

Which we.

[Jason]

Fangs are a big deal.

[Andy]

Would you rather.

[Mike]

Let me ask you.

[Andy]

100 of people are allergic to poison.

[Mike]

Yes, they are also 100 would rather be bitten by a snake than a shark 100% of the time.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Mike]

Even. Even a rattlesnake. No.

[Jason]

No.

[Mike]

What are you talking about?

[Jason]

You're taking crazy pills.

[Andy]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No way.

[Mike]

You would rather be bitten by a shark.

[Andy]

I'm not talking great white.

[Mike]

That's all I'm talking.

[Jason]

I mean, that's.

[Andy]

There's other. There's so many other sharks.

[Mike]

There's garden snakes, too.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

We're talking rattlesnake.

[Jason]

Versus Great white rattle, Garden State.

[Andy]

Great white Garden snakes Don't bite you. Okay.

[Jason]

They try.

[Al Borland]

It might just be they're not as afraid because I'm catching up. A lot less likely to get bit

[Jason]

by nine, six, five. Let's go two more rounds.

[Al Borland]

All right. If you lived on Sesame Street.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Al Borland]

Which character would get on your nerves?

[Andy]

All of them.

[Jason]

The Grouch.

[Andy]

Oh, it's a good answer.

[Al Borland]

That is Oscar, correct?

[Andy]

Yes.

[Al Borland]

It's number three.

[Jason]

Okay. Not good enough.

[Andy]

Elmo.

[Mike]

Oh, that was my answer.

[Al Borland]

Elmo is the number two answer.

[Andy]

No, it's not. No, it's not.

[Mike]

No, it's the number one answer.

[Andy]

It's the number one answer.

[Mike]

So I got a name. One other.

[Jason]

It might be Burt.

[Mike]

I mean, I'll go Big Bird. I don't know.

[Al Borland]

Big Bird is the number one answer.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Al Borland]

Jason's Domino.

[Mike]

Elmo is.

[Andy]

Hold on.

[Mike]

Way more.

[Andy]

Hold on, Big Bird.

[Jason]

That's just. That's kind of people.

[Andy]

No, no, no, no. That's only it. That's just people. They only know Big Bird.

[Jason]

Does that mean Jason's already won? Is Jason guaranteed.

[Andy]

Jason is not.

[Al Borland]

The last round is worth double.

[Jason]

Let's go.

[Andy]

Jason's in a bad, bad place right now.

[Al Borland]

We got Jason with 12, Mike with eight, Andy with six. This is the last.

[Andy]

People are just burping. That was Josh. He's just showing off.

[Jason]

Was that Josh?

[Al Borland]

I guess so.

[Jason]

Oh, okay. I thought Jason had burped.

[Andy]

No, we had unlocked the. You've, like a triliquist burp from the back room.

[Jason]

A diamond in the love.

[Al Borland]

All right, Jason, hold it together for the win.

[Jason]

This is.

[Andy]

And then the draft so we can.

[Al Borland]

Yeah, we got a total round, and it is worth double. Name something you'd see a lot of in California. The ocean, beaches is the number one answer.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Yeah. Oh, that's a great answer.

[Mike]

I'll go palm trees.

[Al Borland]

Palm trees is the number two answer.

[Jason]

That secures it for Jason. It's over.

[Al Borland]

Celebrities. That is the number four answer.

[Jason]

Not bad. But you lost to me.

[Mike]

Did I lose to you?

[Andy]

I lost to you.

[Mike]

I lost to everyone.

[Jason]

Oh, Jason won. No, he didn't.

[Andy]

Jason's the winner. Jason found your secret man. You had to.

[Jason]

You need to be inflated.

[Mike]

Yeah, I need to not give two farts about this game.

[Jason]

Do you feel you gave two farts?

[Andy]

Do you feel like the grandpa in. Yeah, actually, like, identically. Do you feel like the grandpa in Willy Wonka?

[Mike]

Yeah. Like decrepit and wanting death.

[Andy]

No, no. Where you're just, like, floating around. You're going to die if you don't burp, you don't remember that story.

[Mike]

I feel like I'm already dead.

[Jason]

We'll think about it over the break.

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[Jason]

What's up Spitwads? Well, this is, this is something I can speak from experience on. You want to eat better. We all want to do that. We feel like we have zero time and energy to make it happen. Sometimes you even try to eat better and you realize you just can't. You can't even order something that is actually healthy for you with all the different restaurants out there. Look, I was in that boat. I went to Factor, checked it out. We love the Factor meals. In the beginning, when we got the Factor meals delivered, my son was stealing all of them. Now I'm ordering enough to where I can kind of steal some and hide them from him because they are so delicious. They don't ask you to meal prep, right? They don't ask you to follow recipes. It removes the entire problem. It's two minutes. It's real food and it's done. And I can tell you I have tried probably 20 to 25 of the different recipes. There has not been one that I wasn't happy with. Genuinely, you're not failing out there at healthy eating. You're failing at having three extra hours a night to meal prep. And chef made meals so delicious. What? I just had like a burger with some gouda cheese last night. It was unbelievable. Head to FactorMeals.com Ballers 50 off and use the code Ballers50OFF to get 50% off your first Factor box. Plus free breakfast for one year offer only valid for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto renewing subscription purchase. Make healthier eating easy with Factor. I have been informed we have another soda if you need it.

[Mike]

240 calories of pure pain. 270.

[Jason]

270.

[Mike]

The Spitballers draft foods.

[Jason]

You can't have just one of Jason because thinking about food is what you want to do right now. That's what we're drafting. Foods you can't have just one of

[Mike]

just one of the and w.

[Andy]

I

[Mike]

wish I was playing along Right.

[Jason]

The authentic Mike, you got the first pick.

[Andy]

Oh, yes.

[Jason]

So let's take our time.

[Andy]

Of course. Foods you can't have just.

[Jason]

Are we running out for insulin right now? Jason is down. He's down like. He's down like a. Like a sedative.

[Mike]

Don't hit him down.

[Jason]

A tranq dart just hit the elephant.

[Andy]

My entire point was don't do this.

[Jason]

That's fair.

[Mike]

But you made me do it.

[Andy]

I didn't make you do nothing.

[Jason]

There's got to be a point where you burp or die.

[Mike]

I don't think so. I think. I genuinely believe that my body would die.

[Jason]

What if you hung upside down? Maybe it would help.

[Mike]

I don't know. I've never tried that.

[Jason]

Mike, first pick foods. You can't have just one of those.

[Andy]

We're going to go with. It certainly helps when a food is already pluralized.

[Jason]

Okay, I get what you're saying.

[Andy]

I will take French fries.

[Mike]

Yes. That's one of the.

[Andy]

That was one of your two. Absolutely. Okay, who's a French fry?

[Jason]

One French fry.

[Andy]

Also a waffle fry.

[Jason]

Maybe you could get away with one.

[Andy]

Imagine eating one French fry at a time when you have so many. No, that's. I will never. I would never eat a.

[Jason]

Would you. Would you rather have no French fries available to you or only when you have French fries? You can only have one.

[Mike]

I have no.

[Andy]

I will take none.

[Jason]

Yeah, I feel like. Jason, you're up.

[Mike]

I have no out here, guys.

[Jason]

No, because you can't burp.

[Mike]

I just like, how much time before.

[Andy]

Do I just go, man, we'll speed it up.

[Jason]

Make a pick. It's quicker to.

[Mike]

But that's the thing is, like, speed it up.

[Jason]

Go to the bathroom.

[Mike]

Well, I'm not gonna do anything in the bathroom.

[Jason]

Yeah, you sit there and fart.

[Mike]

I'm going to take.

[Andy]

I can punch you in the tummy. Yeah, you might vomit.

[Mike]

I'm going to take potato chips.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's a good one.

[Mike]

I mean, there was literally a campaign from Lays. You can't have just one. And then Pringles was like, once you pop.

[Jason]

Can I take. Can I take Pringles?

[Mike]

Sure. Are Pringles a potato?

[Andy]

No, no, no. He would. He took potato chips.

[Mike]

I didn't take lay's potato chips.

[Jason]

I think you hurt your argument by not taking one of the Civic brands.

[Mike]

I think I made it better because I took both.

[Andy]

I will say, in Andy's defense, I believe Pringles have been classified as not potato. No potato in it, because they are like potato crisps well, look, I. But I still. I'm not going to allow it.

[Jason]

I knew I have the third pick, and it's a bit of a sleeper pick here. And I don't think Jason is just. If you just kept the camera.

[Andy]

The buttons coming down.

[Jason]

You just kept the camera on him. He is inflating like a balloon violin.

[Andy]

You're turning violence.

[Jason]

What's the Disney movie with the guy, the big inflated white creature?

[Andy]

Baymax. Big Hero 6.

[Jason]

Big Hero 6 going on right here. He's rubbing himself like a pregnant woman.

[Andy]

Do you need care? Yes, he does.

[Jason]

So I think the actual hardest thing to only eat one of is if you go to a Mexican restaurant and they serve you tortilla chips.

[Andy]

Okay. I don't think I'll take tortilla. That's separate.

[Jason]

Right. Tortilla chips is my first pick.

[Andy]

Those are not made out of potatoes.

[Jason]

I don't think you can just eat one. It's impossible. The salt is on them. You got the salsa.

[Andy]

The incredible world we live in of a tortilla chip is in actual. It's a tortilla.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

That has been deep fried.

[Jason]

And we're fine with it.

[Andy]

And cut into four pieces.

[Jason]

Fine with it.

[Andy]

But you're like, whoa, I'm gonna get a burrito bowl. I'm trying. I'm watching my carbs. Like, would you like chips and queso?

[Jason]

Don't. Jason might be passing. This may be the end. He looks like somebody who is finished.

[Mike]

Just tell me when it's my turn.

[Jason]

All right, my next pick is going to actually be M and M's.

[Andy]

Oh, it's on my list.

[Jason]

It's pluralized.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's on my list.

[Jason]

I'm just having an M. I'm not

[Andy]

even having the other M. Oh, there's an and.

[Jason]

I mean, there's an and built into the name M. Who's had one? Who's ever had one?

[Andy]

Well, regular M and M's are not greats, so.

[Jason]

No, they're good. They're better than you think they are.

[Andy]

They're fine. I mean, peanut M and Ms, those rule.

[Jason]

Peanut.

[Andy]

MM peanuts, peanut butter M and M's.

[Jason]

And get. I get them all because I drafted M and M's.

[Mike]

Peanut butter M. M's are the best.

[Andy]

Yes. I. Yeah, we're. We're in a full agreement.

[Jason]

Are you dying?

[Mike]

My stomach is going to explode.

[Jason]

You look at.

[Andy]

You look 30 pounds heavier, like you

[Jason]

gained 30 pounds of root beer.

[Mike]

How can I get it out?

[Andy]

You got a burp, brother.

[Jason]

Let's go, Jay. Let's go. Let's get your first one.

[Andy]

Get your out of the way. It's there. Here's your problem.

[Jason]

This is like me trying to roll my Rs. I can't do it.

[Andy]

It's not in the shape of your mouth. It's in the throat. It's in the flange. It's in the go.

[Jason]

Like tighten up a little bit. Like.

[Andy]

No. How do you even explain how to do that?

[Jason]

I don't know, man.

[Andy]

You're just born.

[Jason]

What happened when you were a baby

[Andy]

born to run when your parents were

[Jason]

patting you on the back? Did you fart?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Okay. Jason, you have potato chips. I have tortilla chips and M&Ms. Mike with French fries. Jason, your second pick.

[Mike]

I'm gonna take a Cheez It.

[Andy]

Oh, it's on my list because it's not Cheez it. It's Cheez its.

[Jason]

This man is talking like his final moments of the earth. He is talking like a. Like you're in hospice.

[Mike]

I am in hospice.

[Jason]

I mean, he. Is it the sugar as much as it is the inflation? No, it's just.

[Andy]

No, it's the air. It's the cms.

[Jason]

Is your day over?

[Mike]

I have nothing more to do today.

[Jason]

Okay, Mike, two picks.

[Andy]

All right.

[Mike]

Oh, I. Yep.

[Jason]

You drafted already?

[Andy]

You're not up yet.

[Al Borland]

Yeah.

[Andy]

You're good. So I'm going to start it off with a mozzarella stick.

[Jason]

Okay. Because I can actually eat just one

[Mike]

of those mozzarella stick and be done.

[Andy]

Yeah. What?

[Jason]

You can't. But I can't. Yeah. Bad pick. According to Jason. Fat.

[Andy]

That's my number two pick. How you doing?

[Mike]

I'm doing great.

[Jason]

I wish we had an eternal zoom. I wish the rest of this episode could be a zoom camera on Jason.

[Mike]

I mean, that.

[Andy]

That's. That's crazy pants. To Betamax, mozzarella sticks are. Oh, my gosh.

[Jason]

I mean, you are on the. You're on the bridge between Betamax and Kirby right now. Do you just.

[Mike]

You just.

[Jason]

You have. You're on the edge of Kirby.

[Mike]

I ate Kirby.

[Jason]

And beyond. Beyond Kirby. You go to like Macy's Day beyond Kirby's Macy's Day parade float.

[Mike]

I mean, Kirby7 who.

[Jason]

Oh, no.

[Mike]

Ate too much spaghetti. That's what's happening.

[Andy]

It didn't end well for that guy.

[Jason]

Thin Wayfair.

[Mike]

Thin Wayfair going to explode.

[Jason]

You are gaining inflationary.

[Mike]

My stomach is so tight right now. If you had a needle.

[Andy]

Have you ever seen when they do that to cows?

[Mike]

Oh, yeah. They have to do that.

[Andy]

Yeah, they have to like Degas cows because they're laying on their side.

[Jason]

They're like,

[Mike]

someone coming Degass me.

[Andy]

And then you just go, pull, fix

[Mike]

and go, someone Degassed me.

[Andy]

And then that. That cow is okay. Oh, my gosh.

[Mike]

Someone.

[Jason]

One more pick for Mike.

[Andy]

I'm gonna go with deviled eggs. Oh, speaking of inflated, I think I

[Jason]

can have just one of those.

[Andy]

But that is not a bad pick.

[Jason]

That is not bad.

[Andy]

I think me personally, I know Jason Moore can't have one.

[Mike]

I'm usually more than one. But you. But it's also one of those weird things where it's like you, you know, I want a ton of french fries. I want a ton of potato chips. I want. I don't want a ton of double.

[Andy]

No, but you have at least two. Sure.

[Jason]

You end up like this. Jason is dead. And this ain't an act.

[Andy]

No.

[Jason]

I mean this show is just when

[Mike]

the cameras turn off, I'm going to lay on the ground for a long time. Is it my pick?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I'm going to select thin crust pizza. Okay. Especially Domino's.

[Andy]

Okay. Yeah. That's a cheat code.

[Mike]

The Domino's.

[Andy]

When you cut. When you cut the pizza into the squares and it's not the proper. It's a little pizza triangle.

[Jason]

I had slice of pizza on there because I can't imagine outside of being a four year old having one slice of pizza.

[Andy]

I can eat a slice, but if it's as long as it's real slice.

[Jason]

As long as it comes with another slice.

[Andy]

No, but thin crust is. Because a thin crust is like this big.

[Jason]

Get this, man. A wheelchair.

[Mike]

Don't need a wheelchair. I need.

[Andy]

Call 91 1.

[Mike]

I need a cow syringe.

[Jason]

I got my final two picks. Is that where we're at? I'm going to go wings. I'm going to go wings. I don't understand having one wing.

[Andy]

It's on my list.

[Jason]

It doesn't make sense.

[Andy]

It's on my list.

[Jason]

If you're going to have a wing, you're going to have a couple of wings.

[Andy]

It's on my list. That's crazy.

[Jason]

So I'm going to have wings and then I'm going to go cookies. What are we doing? What are we doing?

[Mike]

Cookie. Cookies.

[Andy]

I can eat a cookie.

[Jason]

I mean, I feel like cookies.

[Andy]

I can eat a cookie.

[Jason]

I do realize and I recognize and I acknowledge that some people make giant cookies. And if you're going to start counting the crumbles of the world that are just, oh, no, we're living on the edge of a cookie category, no one eats a crumble. Crumble. But if you're talking about Oreos, if you're talking about Chips Ahoy, if you're talking about girl scout cookies.

[Andy]

Yeah. Okay.

[Jason]

That's very hard, I think, to stop at just one. So I'm going to go cookies. Jason is looking at the clock. I'm going to draft insulin.

[Mike]

Is it me?

[Andy]

Yeah, it's you. Oh, your hat's looking real cool. Look at this guy. Hello, fellow young kids.

[Al Borland]

Well, dang.

[Mike]

I'm going to take a piece of

[Jason]

popcorn

[Andy]

that feels like a cheat code,

[Jason]

but you 100% it is a cheat code and it's a great pick.

[Mike]

I mean, no one has.

[Jason]

It's a sneaky pick.

[Andy]

Eating a singular popcorn.

[Jason]

Yeah, that's a sneaky. That's a sneaky good pick because I don't see any way to disqualify it.

[Mike]

You can't just eat a piece of popcorn. That's like, I don't even want one bite.

[Jason]

That's like saying a bag of, like, pistachios or.

[Andy]

Which is my final pick is pistachios?

[Jason]

Oh, of course it is. So you're going to your own.

[Andy]

Yeah. In this office, pistachios are very special and sacred items.

[Mike]

Is that the last pick?

[Al Borland]

It is.

[Mike]

I know what I learned today.

[Andy]

What did we learn today?

[Mike]

I learned that if you can't burp, you should not immediately down 20 ounces.

[Jason]

20 ounces. A&W rubier on the air. An amazing job by the Falcon. Honestly, I. I can't believe he did that.

[Al Borland]

To make up for not setting up the studio.

[Jason]

Well, that is down the street and got it.

[Mike]

That is his final.

[Andy]

I like, I'm going to imagine he had already. He, like, he just left. I mean, he was picking something up. He's like, oh, sure, I'll get those root years.

[Jason]

I learned that Jason ain't lying about this burping thing.

[Mike]

No, I can't burp. I will not burp. If I could, but if I could burp to relieve this, I would burp a billion.

[Andy]

I learned that Josh may not be just the junior producer. Oh, he might be the junior executive producer.

[Jason]

Okay, take care, everybody. Pray for Jason.

[Andy]

Thanks for listening to this podcast to

[Mike]

see what other nonsense the guys are up to. Check out Spitball.

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[Jason]

Com.

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