Butt Hiccups & Classic Dad Sayings - Comedy Podcast

Summary

Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: Butt Hiccups & Classic Dad Sayings
Date: September 15, 2025
Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason

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Episode Overview

This episode is a quintessential ride through the Spitballers' signature blend of dad humor, absurd hypotheticals, and lighthearted debates. The award-winning trio tackles classic dad sayings in a draft, wrestles with the life-altering consequences of butt hiccups, weighs the pros and cons of gloves vs. ski pants, and muses on the subtleties of language and parenting. Expect plenty of memorable "dad" wisdom, laughter at their own expense, and a celebration of life’s silly side.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Would You Rather?

(02:55–20:00)

• Voice vs. Face – Expressing Emotion

  • Would you rather not be able to convey emotion through your voice or through your facial expressions?
  • The crew philosophizes about podcasting, everyday interaction, wrinkles, and societal treatment of age.
  • Quote:
    • Jason: “Look at these lines. These lines are earned on my face.” (05:59)
    • Andy: “Why don’t we appreciate physical experience the way we appreciate mental experience?” (06:30)

• Bulk Gloves vs. Ski Pants (leaving the house)

  • Would you rather wear bulky winter gloves at all times outside or always have on long underwear and ski pants?
  • Pros/cons: extreme Arizona heat, inability to use your phone, possible solutions for limiting kids’ screen time.
  • Quote:
    • Jason: “Maybe these non-capacitive ski gloves are the solution to kids being on their phones too much. We just put them in gloves!” (09:49)
    • Andy: “You would be hotter in big, bulky snow gloves [than ski pants].” (11:15)

• Prison: Butt Hiccups Edition

  • Would you rather serve a year in prison, or be released the first time you get a 5+ minute bout of hiccups?
  • Tangents include: the improbability of deliberate hiccups, DIY prison wine ("pruno" or "prison hooch"), and the possibility (and naming) of “butt hiccups.”
  • Quote:
    • Mike: “If you had to fart for half an hour while you sleep in jail, you’d be out in a day.” (19:04)
    • Andy: “Everyone’s got to go to prison once in their life.” (08:26; jokingly)

• Sunglasses (Never vs. Always)

  • Never wear sunglasses or always wear them, even indoors?
  • Arizona sun struggles, prescription sunglasses, “rockstar” stereotypes, and the perils of transition lenses.
  • Quote:
    • Jason: “The quality of your life will go up if you wear sunglasses outside.” (22:31)
    • Andy: “When I walk inside and put sunglasses on, they might as well be black.” (23:46)

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2. What’s the Difference?

(29:22–41:00)

• Hovering vs. Levitating vs. Flying

  • The guys debate the physical and semantic distinctions, ultimately agreeing:
    • Hovering: Moves slowly/steadily above a surface; close to it.
    • Levitating: Motionless, possibly higher; just “suspended.”
    • Flying: Fast, dynamic, altitude can vary—it’s about travel, not just placement.
  • Quote:
    • Jason: “Flying is to hovering as running is to walking.” (29:40)
    • Mike (facetiously): “You hover over something… but if it’s too high… that’s not hovering, that’s levitating.” (30:55)

• Trek vs. Hike vs. Journey

  • Definitions spiral: hiking needs a path and elevation, a trek is arduous and off-path, and a journey is long and can be metaphorical.
  • Quote:
    • Andy: “A trek has obstacles. A trek is arduous. A trek absolutely has some difficulty.” (37:33)
    • Jason: “If you fight a bear, it’s a trek.” (37:47)

• Renovate vs. Remodel vs. Revamp

  • Revamp: Superficial—move furniture, paint a wall, update decor.
  • Remodel: More serious—new fixtures, cabinets, possibly done DIY.
  • Renovate: Most extensive—structural changes, experts/contractors, multi-room or full house.
  • Quote:
    • Jason: “You can remodel a bathroom, but if you take a wall down, you have renovated.” (40:16)
    • Andy: “A renovation… that’s a full-scale project.” (40:21)

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3. The Spitballers Draft: Classic Dad Sayings

(42:55–57:57)

The guys do a round-robin draft of “classic dad sayings.” Each pick is a line deployed by generations of dads, punctuated by stories and inevitable personal confessions.

Draft Highlights

| Pick | Speaker | Saying | Memorable Commentary | |---|---------|-------------|----------------------| | 1. | Mike | "Guess who came at the right time" | Not worth the 101, but iconic in its own way. (44:14)| | 2. | Andy | "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed." | "Do you know how long I waited to say this?" (44:20)| | 3. | Mike | "When I was your age..." | Used for chores, gratitude, and “back in my day” rants. (46:30)| | 4. | Mike | "Ask your mother." | "I'm the assistant manager." (47:11)| | 5. | Andy | "Because I said so." | He swore never to use it… then he broke. (48:20)| | 6. | Jason | "Don't make me turn this car around." | No one ever actually does. (50:13)| | 7. | Jason | "Looks like it's free" (when item doesn't scan) | "I've never pulled that one out." (51:06)| | 8. | Andy | "This will hurt me more than it hurts you." | "It's never the truth, but…" (52:15)| | 9. | Mike | "Don't make me come in there." | "Please" is hidden inside that dad command. (52:46)| | 10.| Mike | "Were you born in a barn?" | Open doors, wasted AC, universal dad outrage. (53:16)| | 11.| Andy | "Brush your teeth." | Not classic, but “said a lot”—the universal battle with kids. (55:11)| | 12.| Jason | "I'm not sleeping, I'm just resting my eyes." | The nap-denial standard. (57:24)|

Extra honorable mentions:

• "If all your friends jumped off a bridge…"
• "As long as you live under my roof..."
• "Do as I say, not as I do."
• "Money doesn’t grow on trees."

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Dad Lines:

  • Andy: “I waited my whole life to say 'I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.'” (44:20)
  • Jason: “I have to say it every time: ‘Guess who came at the right time?’” (43:54)
  • Mike: “I am the assistant manager.” (47:11)

• Dad Experience:

  • Jason: “These lines are earned on my face.” (05:59)
  • Andy: “The last two years, I stopped using [sunglasses]. I stopped. I haven’t worn them. It’s weird.” (22:40)

• Parenting Philosophy:

  • Andy: “Why don’t we appreciate physical experience the way we appreciate mental experience?” (06:30)
  • Mike: “Ask your mother.” (46:45)
  • Jason: “You big band. Fifteen minutes ago, he turned the air off again.” (13:01 — running office joke on temperature and aging)

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Noteworthy Tangents

• Prison Hooch:
  The guys explore “prison hooch” (pruno), discussing the mechanics and horror of fermenting booze in a toilet.
  “Are you making it right now?” (Andy, 17:24)

• Butt Hiccups:
  Explaining the finer points of sleep-farting, and whether a steady bout might get you out of prison faster than hiccups.

• Allergy to Sunglasses:
  Why do kids in Arizona refuse sunglasses? “You offer them sunglasses, and they’ll say, I do not need.” (20:24)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Would You Rather: 02:55–20:00
• What's The Difference: 29:22–41:00
• Spitballers Draft (Dad Sayings): 42:55–57:57

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Tone & Language

The Spitballers’ tone is playful, sharp-witted, and universally family-friendly. They riff off each other, self-deprecate, and revel in the mundane absurdities of being dads and adult children. Advice is given, promptly ignored, and wisdom is dispensed with tongue firmly in cheek.

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For the Uninitiated

This episode radiates the heart of classic Spitballers: dads who don’t take themselves too seriously, but take silliness to a crafted art. With relatable riffs for parents, nostalgic hits for grown-up kids, and pop culture whimsy, it’s prime “laugh with” and not “laugh at” comedy for all ages.

For more episodes: SpitballersPod.com

Transcript

[Andy]

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[Andy]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason.

[Jason]

Badoom, badoom, badoom, badoom. Doom Jump.

[Mike]

Yeah. Nice. I'm in.

[Andy]

I didn't know we could bring instruments here. Oh, you can.

[Mike]

You brought a whole set. Well, just two.

[Jason]

I brought Phil. Yeah, I can feel it.

[Sponsor/Ad Reader]

Calm.

[Mike]

Welcome into The Spitballers, episode 339 in our.

[Jason]

They do it on the football games now. And it's in my head in storied history.

[Mike]

Yeah, no, it's good, Mike. I appreciate it. And now you are rewarded with the number one pick in our draft later today on the show.

[Jason]

Oh, that's good. Because There is clear 101.

[Mike]

There's a clear one on one. We are drafting classic dad sayings.

[Andy]

I think there is a clear one on one.

[Jason]

There. Oh, is sayings.

[Andy]

I think so. Oh, well, I mean, there's a lot. There's a. There's a. There's a ton of great. There's a ton of great. It's not like, like when you're in basketball or whatever, you got Michael Jordan.

[Mike]

Or let's say no, there's one there.

[Andy]

Right?

[Jason]

It's like, I think they're all about equal, but there's ones that I actually say, oh, okay. So.

[Mike]

All right, well, you have the first two picks. So Jason, if he doesn't Pick what you think is number one. Guess what, you get it. We're doing. Would you rather. And what's the difference? Al Borland in the house. Those watching on YouTube. You can wave at the shadowy man under the hat.

[Andy]

What's up, Spit?

[Mike]

Watch Papa Josh sitting in as well. Let's just get this show on the road.

[Andy]

Would you rather.

[Mike]

Jonah writes in from the website. Would you rather not be able to convey any emotion through your voice or not be able to convey emotion through your facial expressions? So inflection versus expression is that kind of.

[Andy]

Now, this is. I think we've got a. We need to talk about this philosophically and not individually because we do a podcast for a living. I mean, I think we do a.

[Mike]

Podcast for a living.

[Andy]

Exactly. We all have to pick. If this is like us, we have to pick emotion in our voice.

[Mike]

Emotion in our voice would be the most important thing for us to pick.

[Andy]

Yes, it would. You just proved that.

[Mike]

Yeah. I mean, we. For our career in. Yeah, but for our career. Yes. But let's say you take that out of it and it's just like everyday life. You're walking around, you're doing things. I mean, I feel still like, voice is more important. Have you ever met somebody that doesn't do a lot of facial emphasis?

[Jason]

We have an infamous story in my friend group of. We were at a. This is high school, and we go to a pizza joint and one of the guys brings a new gal into the group and, you know, hang out, get some pizza, and we're yucking it up because we're jokesters. And after a few good zingers, I'm going to. I have to do naturally. Yeah, yeah. Like, no, like, good jokes. And this is what happened. She laughs and then goes, you guys are funny.

[Mike]

And just didn't do anything else.

[Jason]

Like, the whole room, it was like, like, wait, what?

[Mike]

Are you being serious?

[Jason]

What.

[Andy]

So was it the voice or was it both?

[Jason]

It was both. It was both. But I was just saying you guys.

[Andy]

Are so funny at that point, you have to imagine we're like, oh, that it's sarcasm.

[Jason]

It felt like it, but I think it was the truth.

[Andy]

That's because you thought you were really funny. I.

[Jason]

It's. It's just factually correct.

[Mike]

Well.

[Jason]

I think eardrums.

[Andy]

If. If you were to have. It's. It's hard.

[Jason]

Are you trying to do just face.

[Andy]

To do face without the voice going up? But it's like. But they tell you go up your voice.

[Jason]

Yeah. If you want to sound.

[Mike]

Close your laptop.

[Jason]

If you want to have a brighter voice. Just literally smile.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

You will talk like you're smiling.

[Mike]

I think I need, like. I think because of the utility of the voice, that works on the phone, that works in context where you don't see the person. I think you want that one. The voice would be more valuable. You can always like. I think people will always believe that. They won't necessarily believe the face with the voice being wrong.

[Andy]

There's also.

[Mike]

That's like lying.

[Andy]

There's long term benefits to not being able to have facial expression.

[Jason]

Oh.

[Mike]

Oh. From wrinkle standpoint.

[Andy]

Yeah. I mean, my forehead's gonna wrinkle less my crowd.

[Mike]

You look like a guy who's had a lot of expressions.

[Andy]

I have.

[Jason]

Look at these lines. These lines are earned on my face.

[Mike]

Why don't we.

[Jason]

I mean, I got my frown. Wrinkle is defined. That thing is buff.

[Mike]

Why are we not proud of our wrinkles when we.

[Andy]

Because it means you're old.

[Mike]

But it's.

[Andy]

Because it means you're old.

[Mike]

It means you smile a lot.

[Andy]

It means you've smiled for many, many, many years.

[Mike]

Well, that's true.

[Andy]

I mean, that's just the problem. Why don't you like regals? Because it means you're old.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

You can make the argument of why don't we just love being old?

[Mike]

You know, I'm saying why don't we appreciate physical experience the way we appreciate mental experience?

[Jason]

Because when you're old.

[Mike]

And I've never called looking old physical experience before, but that's what I'm calling it right now.

[Jason]

Yeah, but you just. You get gross. You're not youth and hot.

[Andy]

You get gross.

[Mike]

But why is it gross? That's what I'm saying. If everybody on the. Everybody on the entire Earth ages.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

And we've all decided that if you do the thing that you can't not do, even when you try to fake.

[Andy]

It, and if you do it longer, which is everyone's goal.

[Mike]

Yeah. We all want to get wrinklier.

[Andy]

Right. You want to do it longer than everyone else.

[Mike]

Correct. Now you see what I'm saying.

[Andy]

It's pretty stupid. I do.

[Jason]

Or unfair.

[Andy]

I completely recognize that culturally, societally, the elderly should be held in a much higher esteem in all respects. Because genuinely, that is experience, that is life, that is success. That is all those things. But a nasty and gross.

[Jason]

Nasty and gross. My nasty. My grumpiness is.

[Mike]

I will say I have appreciated. One thing I've appreciated with age is people auto taking you seriously. There was a period of time where Even when I wanted to say something important or real to somebody, I was dismissed due to age of being too young.

[Andy]

But Auto don't see you as cool as.

[Mike]

Well, right? Well, yeah, that is true.

[Jason]

Do you. How do you react when you go to. You go to the restaurant, you're like, hey, I would like an adult beverage. And they're like, I'm gonna need to see your id.

[Mike]

Oh, I'd be very pleased right now.

[Andy]

I roll my eyes.

[Mike]

I do not.

[Andy]

I do. I'm like, I don't get guarded, though. I'm not upset by. I'm not like offended. Like, excuse me. I'm just like, why are you wasting our time? Look at me. Look at my children. Or, you know, it's like, I don't. There's no way. I'm not.

[Jason]

Look at my life experience.

[Andy]

I know.

[Jason]

Look at my physical.

[Andy]

My physical experience on my face. Look at the sides of my eyes. You know, I'm not 21. Yeah, I'll take the voice.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Oh, there was a question.

[Mike]

I'm taking the voice. Final answer.

[Jason]

Yeah, I guess.

[Mike]

Amy from Patreon. Would you rather have to put on bulky winter gloves or long underwear and ski pants every time you leave the house? You can only remove them upon returning home. Explain this to me. Because on the surface, it's like, gloves are easy and quick. It's okay. But you're saying you're stuck with them. Is that what you're saying, Al?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

And it's really hard to do things with big old.

[Mike]

Oh, it's awful.

[Jason]

I mean, phone. Phone is gone.

[Mike]

Do I. Are these gloves with independent finger movements or am I in mittens?

[Andy]

They are independent finger movements, but they're.

[Mike]

The really big bulk, the big ones. And they're not capacitive. Okay, that's a big word that means.

[Andy]

That the phones don't work. Is that what you're trying to say? Correct.

[Jason]

All right. I thought they.

[Mike]

You have so much physical and mental experience.

[Jason]

Usually a maximum capacity of a glove is five.

[Mike]

One of the things that is the most annoying about.

[Andy]

You got. You got. That's a good joke. That is a bad dad joke. I mean that.

[Mike]

Go for it.

[Andy]

Bad.

[Mike]

Putting on long underwear and ski pants and then having to remove them and put them on and remove them. That is awful.

[Jason]

No, it's not. The. It's not to put them removing. It's. Go out in Arizona in the summer and you're wearing long underwear and ski pants.

[Mike]

Maybe these non capacitive ski gloves are the solution to kids being on their phones. Too much, maybe Instead of taking the phones away. We never take the phones away. We just put them in gloves instead.

[Jason]

Of the gloves for the phone.

[Mike]

It's.

[Jason]

Here's your gloves.

[Mike]

Put these on, and they have a little lock, and you just.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

You can't take off the gloves.

[Andy]

No way to get those off.

[Mike]

That'd be great.

[Andy]

So this is. Whenever we leave the house, we have them on until we're back home.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

What are some other reasons you would need gloves other than. Is it just. It's just weather? Right.

[Andy]

There's. If they're big, bulky. If they're big, bulky gloves, the only potential possible nice thing is, like, snow.

[Jason]

What about hot? Can bulky winter gloves handle hot?

[Andy]

Yes. Hot food, they can. But I was thinking about that. I was like, okay, maybe I'm gonna go to my chef job. Okay, now chop something with big, bulky. No, the only thing you can do is I'm the take it out of the oven guy. Like, all I do.

[Mike]

I got that.

[Jason]

Don't worry about it.

[Andy]

Let me deliver this hot plate for you.

[Jason]

Were those fajitas?

[Mike]

Oh, my God.

[Jason]

Not a problem.

[Andy]

That's my job. Look at these gloves.

[Jason]

You're Mr. Fajita.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Just going down the aisles, like, da, da, da, da, da.

[Andy]

And you talked about, like, the long underwear and ski pants. You'll be so hot, really hot in Arizona. I. I genuinely believe that you would be hotter in big, bulky snow gloves.

[Jason]

I disagree.

[Andy]

Oh, my gosh.

[Mike]

That doesn't make sense.

[Andy]

Really?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Why would you be hotter in gloves than long underwear?

[Andy]

The skin on the bottom of your foot and the palm of your hand is the most.

[Mike]

That is where, I promise you, you hate that.

[Jason]

That's where they shut it off. Because your body's like this. Don't.

[Mike]

This. People don't just put gloves on in the winter and walk outside because they're fine.

[Andy]

I'm just saying your temperature regulation is mostly controlled by those two areas. So if you were to put on giant, bulky gloves and go outside in the heat, I genuinely think it would be worse than pants.

[Jason]

No, I strongly disagree.

[Mike]

I genuinely disagree.

[Andy]

You wear pants every day in Arizona. You don't go out crying. I know they're not.

[Mike]

Temperature regulation is not mostly in your hands. While they're powerful thermoregulators, the primary control center is the hypothalamus of the brain and controls other systems.

[Jason]

So your head.

[Andy]

Okay, the brain.

[Mike]

But I'm saying they can dissipate a.

[Andy]

Significant amount of heat from your skin. I didn't know we were Going to, like brain regulation of how we. I didn't know about your temperature.

[Mike]

You used the word regulation. I just looked up what you said.

[Andy]

I will after the show.

[Mike]

Which is wrong.

[Andy]

I will.

[Jason]

We could check this. I only wear pants because, number one, just for the show, I don't want my legs in there. And number two, what cannot regulate temperature is our office. Our office is either the hottest or the coldest place in the entire world. And in the summer, it turns into the coldest place.

[Mike]

This is the simplest thing ever. Because when it's cold outside and you give me the option of ski pants and long underwear or a pair of gloves, I will put on the long underwear and the ski pants and be warmer.

[Jason]

Jason. Just gloves.

[Mike]

But that's all I would need, man.

[Jason]

You're not anymore.

[Andy]

It's all I used to be. You big band.

[Mike]

Fifteen minutes ago, he turned the air off again. I catch him sneaking.

[Andy]

Mike is right off all the time. Mike is right. Our office gets insanely cold sometimes.

[Jason]

And it's.

[Mike]

You never used to say that.

[Jason]

Well, it's amazing.

[Mike]

Until your physical experience became more pronounced.

[Jason]

The office we're in is.

[Mike]

It's hard to wear a sweater soon indoors. Are you that close to being a grandmotherly librarian?

[Jason]

Hoodie season is the best.

[Andy]

I hope. I hope I am. I've got, you know, another 35 to go. There's a comfy shed.

[Mike]

35.

[Andy]

Added an afghan or something.

[Mike]

You meant 35 years left.

[Andy]

But you.

[Mike]

I hope you meant weight.

[Jason]

You meant weight.

[Mike]

Okay, look, I'm going to go ahead and put on the gloves because of.

[Jason]

The fact, Arizona, you're in on hoodie life.

[Andy]

Oh, man.

[Jason]

Dude, hoodies and joggers is the best.

[Andy]

I would live my life that way.

[Jason]

But you can't.

[Andy]

No, I'm still old, Jason.

[Mike]

All right, my final answer is I'll wear the gloves.

[Andy]

I will wear the pants and actually be able to do things with my life. What are you gonna do with the gloves on?

[Mike]

You can't do anything if you're dead, though. Will you be able to do anything? Go type. Go.

[Andy]

Go to work on your laptop.

[Mike]

I don't have to. I'll be at home.

[Jason]

I'll use my voice command.

[Mike]

I work from home.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

All right. Judah. Judah. So we had a Jonah and a Judah. You've been arrested.

[Jason]

They must be brothers.

[Andy]

Everyone's got to go to prison once in their life.

[Mike]

You've been arrested. You know what you did. The judge allows you to choose your fate.

[Jason]

You know what you did.

[Mike]

Would you rather one year in the clink. Thanks for that. In the clink or immediately release the first time you have hiccups that lasts for more than five minutes.

[Andy]

Oh, man. Okay, so this to me, dude, I haven't.

[Mike]

I mean, I don't know if I can make hiccups happen.

[Andy]

No, you can't make hiccups happen. And this is a non faking. This is real.

[Mike]

I mean, Mike might be able to.

[Andy]

No, this.

[Jason]

Drink, drink, drink, drink.

[Andy]

To me, this is a question of beer. Can I get a beer inside of prison? Can I sneak. Can I trade.

[Jason]

You can get toilet wine.

[Andy]

Okay. I'm not. I have no experience onto whether or not toilet wine.

[Jason]

This is my deep research of watching.

[Mike]

Movies or whether it's actually wine.

[Jason]

Well, they call it that.

[Andy]

Let me ask you, are they fermenting in the toilet?

[Mike]

Yes, if I toilet.

[Jason]

You don't know this?

[Andy]

I do not know about the wine.

[Jason]

Yeah, they get.

[Mike]

They hold it.

[Jason]

No, they get like old fruit scraps.

[Mike]

Oh, come on, man.

[Jason]

And then they put it. You need a container.

[Mike]

Yes, I'm aware.

[Jason]

And you gotta ferment the sugars.

[Mike]

Yeah, but then where do you go to the bathroom? Hold it. Yeah, you go for the fermenting of days and weeks.

[Jason]

You go in the yard.

[Mike]

Listen, if I told you right now.

[Jason]

Or there is a sink.

[Mike]

If I told you, you get $1 billion cash and a sports team of your choice. All you got to do is get hiccups in the next 24 hours.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

You think you get it done?

[Andy]

I think I can get it done.

[Mike]

You could get hiccups that last a minute.

[Andy]

I think so. I don't drink a lot of beer. I don't like beer.

[Mike]

And that's what you're saying is your hiccup juice.

[Andy]

It feels like when I have a beer, if I just drink one beer, I just get the hiccups. And so I would drink a beer, wait a couple hours, drink a beer. I would certainly take the gamble.

[Jason]

Do you get it at all from bread?

[Andy]

No.

[Jason]

Okay. My wife.

[Andy]

I eat a lot of bread.

[Jason]

Literally every single time she eats bread, the first bite, she will have the hiccups for a small time period. It is insane.

[Andy]

What is the longest period in your life that you believe you have gone between hiccups, bouts between getting hiccups for a minute? Not like what your classic, incredibly documented. Yeah, I've had a long hiccup journey. I'm just talking like, oh, I have the hiccups right now. The longest gap.

[Mike]

So multiple years, I think multiple years. I don't get Them anymore. I feel like I get them more as a kid because I think it's about, like, the speed of eating and stuff like that. And like, if you. And that makes sense with you, actually. Because you eat like a Tasmanian devil.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Mike]

And as kids, you wolf stuff down so much. I think I got them all the time as a kid. I. I see you nodding, Al. Do you agree with that? You're not nodding at us at all.

[Andy]

Are you researching toilet wine?

[Jason]

You should.

[Andy]

You should be.

[Mike]

Are you making it right now?

[Andy]

We have three toilets here, and we can sacrifice one of those for the toilet wine. Or more commonly known as pruno.

[Jason]

Yeah. Or prison hooch.

[Andy]

Prison hooch. Oh, man.

[Mike]

So I just think I couldn't get it on purpose. I guess I could try to eat stuff really fast.

[Jason]

Yeah. You'd have to eat, be really full, take big breaths.

[Andy]

How incredible would it be? You've been in there for six months. You're living prison life. You're sad, you're awful, your days are bad, and you turn around and you've got the hiccups.

[Jason]

Oh.

[Mike]

And you know what the number way to get rid of it would be thinking about it. That's the problem. Oh.

[Andy]

Because you have to have.

[Mike]

You have to have them for five minutes.

[Jason]

Oh, five.

[Mike]

That's what it said.

[Andy]

Oh, my God.

[Mike]

I want a year in the clink.

[Jason]

I can tell you. Having hiccups and, like, just like I'm going to wheel them away does not work.

[Mike]

Well, I know this from watching you. You could not get rid of that.

[Andy]

No.

[Mike]

If you were offered a billion to stop hiccups, it was impossible. You would not be able to do it.

[Andy]

I think I will take the hiccups here. I believe I will have a serious bout of hiccups within a calendar year.

[Mike]

Can you get hiccups while you sleep?

[Andy]

I don't think so.

[Mike]

Can you hiccup, like, for a couple.

[Andy]

I think you can have hiccups, go to sleep and continue hiccuping.

[Mike]

Oh, you wouldn't be asleep.

[Jason]

But they pause.

[Andy]

You think.

[Jason]

I don't know.

[Andy]

I think you would fall asleep and continue hiccuping as you slept.

[Jason]

But I don't think. Also, you never fall asleep.

[Mike]

You could butt hiccup, which they call farting.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Mike]

While you sleep.

[Andy]

Dude, I can sleep.

[Mike]

Sleep, fart, fart. If you had to fart for half an hour while you sleep in jail, you'd be out in a day.

[Andy]

Yeah. Like a total. Not, obviously not continuous, cumulative.

[Mike]

Would you be the worst cellmate then known to man?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Okay. And your wife sleeps next to you every day.

[Andy]

Correct.

[Mike]

So sort of a cellmate for her.

[Andy]

Yes. Prison sentence.

[Mike]

Okay. I'm taking the year in the clink. I don't think I could pull this off.

[Jason]

Yeah, it's probably the year, because, I.

[Mike]

Mean, can you eat prison food fast enough? Like, is it that bad? Could you eat it fast enough to get yourself some hiccups, maybe? I would eat. I would try to eat and drink like a wild person. Just like, shoveling it into your mouth.

[Jason]

I think that's what you got to do.

[Mike]

And you got to try to.

[Jason]

You got to get elbows out.

[Mike]

Oh, you got to fight. Fight for your food.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jason]

I've established, again, everything from the movies.

[Mike]

Would you rather never be able to wear sunglasses or always wear sunglasses?

[Jason]

Oh, man.

[Mike]

Did you put Jonah in here again just to be funny, or did you really submit questions from Jonah? That was a copy paste.

[Andy]

There was a Jonah and a Judah.

[Mike]

Okay. Never wear sunglasses. Always wear sunglasses.

[Jason]

The people in Arizona that are not wearing sunglasses outside, I don't understand how you survive.

[Mike]

They're called children. All children do not need sunglasses. You offer them sunglasses, and they will say, I do not need.

[Jason]

Josh, you don't wear sunglasses.

[Andy]

I don't.

[Jason]

How is this possible?

[Mike]

I just squint, man.

[Andy]

So I've been.

[Jason]

How is that possible?

[Andy]

I have been in my adult life in Arizona, on both sides of this. So I understand Mike's flabbergastedness, and I understand Josh's eye problems. I spent my entire life up into my 30s in Arizona, never having owned a pair of sunglasses. Didn't need them. Didn't need them. Think about it.

[Jason]

Or was this a. I don't remember your eyesight.

[Andy]

No, no, no. So when I was young, I never needed them.

[Jason]

I'm saying glasses.

[Andy]

With glasses.

[Jason]

Did you need glasses back then?

[Andy]

Glasses? No, no, no. Glasses were probably late 20s, so somewhere around there. And once I had glasses. Sunglasses don't work. Like, I can't wear sunglasses from the, you know, the convenience store because then I put them on, I can't see because they're not prescription.

[Jason]

Right.

[Andy]

So then I lived my entire life, and I would always hear people be like, it's impossible to live without sunglasses. I'm like, actually, it's really easy. You just don't think about it, and it never was any problem. Then I got a prescription, and I got prescription sunglasses one day, and I wore those, and I was like, this is incredible. This is incredible.

[Mike]

Which is where Josh is currently at.

[Andy]

I can drive towards the sun in Arizona. And this is. I can see. I'm not, like, putting my life in danger.

[Mike]

What's funny is Josh did not say, hey, I don't wear them. He acknowledged that there's a significant issue, but his answer was not sunglasses. It was, I squint regularly.

[Jason]

Right.

[Mike]

So, like, he is actually actively squinting.

[Andy]

Yeah. He has the sunglasses problem.

[Mike]

That sunglasses would fix.

[Andy]

So then I.

[Mike]

Are you, like, morally opposed to sunglasses? No. I mean, I have a pair.

[Andy]

I just don't ever wear them.

[Mike]

Hmm.

[Andy]

It's.

[Jason]

Why it's dumb. Wear them.

[Andy]

I couldn't complain. I'm not arguing with you.

[Jason]

The quality of your life will go up if you wear sunglasses outside.

[Andy]

But now, here's the craziest thing. The last, like, two years, I stopped using them. I stopped. I haven't worn them.

[Mike]

Wait, you haven't worn them?

[Andy]

I haven't worn them in two years due to, I will say this, losing them. No, no, no. They're in my truck, like, easy to grab. I wear them if I am. If the sun is a place where my visor can't get, of course, I'm gonna throw those on so that I can.

[Mike]

It's very interesting. You have them available to you nearby.

[Andy]

Yeah, I don't need them. It's weird.

[Jason]

I mean, look, of course you don't. If you don't have sunglasses, you will be alive and you will go to sleep, and everything will be fine. Because humans existed, we evolved, and the sun was up there, and we didn't have sunglasses around.

[Mike]

With his long johns on and no sunglasses.

[Jason]

The thing is, quality of life improves when you go and you're like, wow, it's really bright. And they're like, hey, we got this invention, and it's just a tiny little piece of tint. You could see fantastic. You can actually see even better if you put them on.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

And you're like, I would if I.

[Andy]

Had to always have sunglasses.

[Mike]

They weren't cheap either.

[Andy]

Or never. No, no. Prescription sunglasses are expensive.

[Mike]

I'm gonna keep them right here in this box.

[Andy]

I can't be inside my eyesight. Unlike Andy. Andy wants everything dark, dim. I need it bright, or I can't see anything. And so I could not do sunglasses inside. When I walk inside and put sunglasses on, they might as well be black.

[Jason]

Yeah, There you go. Yeah. James got some sunglasses on.

[Andy]

I can see just fine.

[Mike]

All of that fighting. I would definitely take no sunglasses. Because of the indoor problem. Definitely.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I'm gonna wear them indoors.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Andy]

You're the rock star.

[Jason]

The problem with that is people are going to make some judgments about you, which are probably accurate.

[Andy]

Probably awesome.

[Jason]

If you're the guy who's like, I'm going to wear my sunglasses inside. Like.

[Mike]

You would judge that person.

[Jason]

Oh, yes, harshly. Harshly. Now, look, if there's one over there, if it's a. If you're wearing a pair of, like, you know, like the Bono. Where Bono wears like, a. It's not.

[Mike]

Oh, a half tint, like orange.

[Jason]

It's a color. You're like, okay, I guess.

[Andy]

Can I interest you in some transition?

[Jason]

Oh, my gosh.

[Mike]

Jason bought a pair of transitions like, 20 years ago, and he tried so hard to use these things.

[Andy]

It makes so much logical sense.

[Mike]

You look so dumb.

[Andy]

It makes. I wear. I wear glasses 100% of my waking hours. If I'm not in the shower, I have glasses on, or I can't exist. And so the fact that I have to. If I want to wear sunglasses, I have to have two pairs of glasses. I've got to take my glasses off, hang them on my shirt or put them on.

[Jason]

You could go old person glasses and just cover.

[Andy]

Yeah, the COVID Well, that's. I was thinking, you know what? There's a technology that has solved this. These glasses will become sunglasses in the sun, and then they will not evaporate. It does solve that problem. The problem is it's always a little tinted. It looks so stupid when you're inside.

[Mike]

When it's half tinted, you look dumb.

[Andy]

You look so dumb. And also, the shape of them, the shape of glasses and sunglasses are very different. So it's like, I didn't have big old glasses. I just had, like, smaller, regular, like, life glasses. And then they become, you know, shades. It's like, why are you. Why do you have these tiny little shades?

[Jason]

You know the glass tech where you hit it with, like, a small electric charge and it frosts?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Do they have that for a tint? Like, if we had glasses that just, like, maybe had a little battery in it, and then you could turn it on and off, as opposed to waiting the three hours indoors. Full on, full off, like, then that would not be a problem.

[Andy]

Mike, let's talk.

[Jason]

I'm on it.

[Andy]

Let's talk. After this. We got a. I got a business.

[Jason]

I gotta find a side.

[Mike]

We got to take a break. We'll come back with some. What are we doing? What's the difference?

[Jason]

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[Mike]

Look, you've tried cotton, you've tried cashmere, but have you tried alpaca Papa? Josh, have you tried alpaca before? I don't think you have. It's softer than cashmere, warmer than wool and steel, breathable. That's the Pakka hoodie, and it's about to be your new Go to layer. Pakka makes performance apparel from alpaca fiber, one of the world's most sustainable natural fibers. Their best selling hoodie is softer than cashmere, warmer than wool, and breathable. It's lightweight, but still cozy. It doesn't stretch out, doesn't pill, and will keep you warm when it's cool and cool when it's hot. Basically, it adapts to wherever life takes you. I absolutely love my packa hoodie. It is so comfortable and cozy. I can wear it out all the time. A few compliments on the way from this sweet packa hoodie. To grab your packa hoodie and free pair of alpaca crew socks, go to go.pakaapparel.com spitballers and use our code spitballers. That's go packaapparel.com spitballers AND enter the code spitballers. Okay. All right. We're gonna do our thing. We're gonna figure this out. What is the difference between hovering?

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

Levitating. Flying.

[Jason]

Oh, this is an easy one.

[Mike]

I feel like levit. I feel like flying's in a different world.

[Andy]

Oh, for sure.

[Jason]

Flying is. It involves speed.

[Mike]

Clouds.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah. You can fly through clouds for sure.

[Mike]

Height.

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah, I think it's. But it's like more about how fast you can do where hovering is. Hovering is to flying as walking is to running a little bit.

[Andy]

Except hovering requires a very short distance from the.

[Mike]

You hover over.

[Andy]

You have to hover over something.

[Mike]

I just want to know the difference between the levitating and the hovering.

[Jason]

Because I don't levitating is you don't move.

[Mike]

So there's no movement. Hovering you can move.

[Jason]

Yeah. If you're levitating.

[Mike]

If you hover above something.

[Andy]

But if you were to helicopter hovers.

[Jason]

Over a lake and it can go forward and backward and all those levitating, you can't go forward backward. You can do. You're just in the air.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

Someone could push you and now you will be hovering.

[Mike]

But if someone pushes a levitating person, they are now. So there's a momentum that must expire.

[Jason]

Correct. Interesting. But if they only have the power of a levitation, then the hovering will eventually die off and then they'll just be.

[Mike]

So if I levitate this. I'm looking at the desk, this gnome in the middle, it just comes straight up.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Mike]

But if I bring it to me.

[Andy]

Now, it's hovering towards me.

[Mike]

It's hovering towards me. Like the force.

[Andy]

I will say this. The only difference there is. There is still a height component. If this were slowly moving right above the table. It's hovering. But if it was slowly moving up in the middle of the sky. That's not hovering. It's way too high. No, that's levitating.

[Mike]

Oh, you're levitating.

[Andy]

You can levitate high.

[Mike]

If I hovering.

[Andy]

Yeah, but you're so far up. What are you? You have to hover over something.

[Mike]

A helicopter can hover very high up.

[Andy]

They don't call that hovering.

[Jason]

What do they call it?

[Mike]

Yeah, what's it called?

[Andy]

Flying.

[Mike]

If it's in one spot, but it's stationary flying.

[Andy]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought stationary was levitating. You're telling me now? Stationary is hovering, boys.

[Mike]

You can't levitate something that can fly on its own merit.

[Andy]

So my point is, I don't believe think about a hoverboard. Right?

[Jason]

Uh huh.

[Mike]

I mean, it hovers, but it can't.

[Andy]

Go any further up.

[Jason]

It also can't go over water.

[Andy]

Well, right, right. Only helicopters can hover over water. What is the magic carpet?

[Mike]

Flies.

[Andy]

Correct speed. It could go over, sideways and under. So that's a big part of the movement, is a big part of flying.

[Mike]

Oh my gosh. Whatever.

[Jason]

We got it.

[Mike]

What is the difference between.

[Andy]

Next question.

[Mike]

A trek, a hike. And a journey. I mean, the first two necessitate walking. A journey does not necessitate walking. A journey could be in a car, in a boat and a plane.

[Jason]

A journey can be.

[Andy]

You don't think you can take a trek without walking? No. What about Star Trek?

[Mike]

That's dumb.

[Jason]

Well, they're metaphorically walking through the stars. Okay, but like a journey. A hike is. I come back to where I started.

[Mike]

Which sounds cooler.

[Jason]

A journey. Oh, a trek for sure.

[Mike]

So is a trek shorter than a hike?

[Andy]

No longer.

[Mike]

It's longer. Do I have cooler tech for my trek?

[Andy]

Probably. That's part of what the metaphor was in Star Trek. It was about the technology.

[Mike]

I feel like a journey.

[Jason]

The treknology.

[Mike]

I feel like a journey is just. I mean, I just wouldn't describe anything a hiker does as a journey. No, because it's a hike.

[Andy]

I don't feel like you track. Tell me this, this is not forget. What's the difference? This is a genuine question. You can't hike on level ground, right?

[Mike]

Yes, I did wonder about the hike.

[Jason]

Level ground.

[Andy]

I don't feel like you can hike on level ground. If I. That's just walking. Like if I, If I.

[Mike]

You know what's weird about that is if there's trees around you, it will feel like a hike.

[Andy]

If there's trees around you, you're probably on a hillside.

[Mike]

No, no, there's lots of trees on flat ground.

[Andy]

And if you walk through, there's trees all over my neighborhood. If you walk through them all over my neighborhood. I'm not going on a hike.

[Mike]

No, no, that's not what I'm saying.

[Jason]

What are you.

[Mike]

What's on the ground? Imagine a flat circular hike. Okay. It would not feel like a hike if I'm in the desert walking in a circle. If you put up a bunch of big trees right there and I walk between those trees, I'm hiking.

[Andy]

I don't think you're hiking.

[Mike]

It's lots of flat hiking.

[Andy]

I think it's less about the trees. If you want to make a stupid argument like that, then talk about the ground.

[Jason]

Okay. Because that's where I was gonna go.

[Andy]

If it's asphalt, if it's sidewalk, that's obviously not a hike.

[Mike]

That's a wall.

[Andy]

Gotta be dirt. It's gonna be earth.

[Jason]

It cannot be a man made surf.

[Andy]

Hikes can only be on earth.

[Mike]

Oh no, there's a lot of hikes that they add man made.

[Andy]

Sure, sure. Along the way there's a couple steps, but yeah. What voice. Sure, sure.

[Mike]

You got really High pitched steps or even like there's. There's a hike up north. It's almost like half of it's like paid right through the woods.

[Jason]

Half.

[Mike]

If it's half.

[Andy]

If it's anything, it's 49% or.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Because they wanted it to retain tight status.

[Mike]

Otherwise, I'm not sure what a trek really is. A trek isn't. I feel like a trek is something that ends up happening, not necessarily on purpose. Like if I got lost in the woods and I. And I came back to where I was like, you know, to where I was found. That would be like I'm trekking back through the woods.

[Andy]

Something in my head says speed matters on a trek.

[Mike]

Is it faster than 2 of those walking poles?

[Andy]

I think it's faster than a.

[Mike]

Do you have two walking poles?

[Jason]

Okay.

[Mike]

Does that make it a trek?

[Jason]

Makes it a Nordic trek.

[Andy]

Swish.

[Mike]

Don't laugh.

[Andy]

That was so bad. It was good. That was. That was a swish.

[Mike]

That would have to be in Portland or something.

[Andy]

You know what? You. You get my book. You get the dad jokes book.

[Jason]

I didn't know that was a trophy.

[Mike]

Shooting his shots. What.

[Jason]

What is a trek?

[Mike]

This is what I'm saying. We're supposed to figure this out. A trek just feels like.

[Jason]

Use it in a sentence.

[Andy]

Oh, gosh. Star Trek is one of the greatest jokes.

[Mike]

Oh, gosh. Here's what I'd say. I said, man, I had one heck of a trek. Getting out from the middle of the woods back to my cabin. It was quite the trek.

[Andy]

I think a trek has to be.

[Jason]

That's a one way.

[Mike]

I don't think there's a path defined for you. A trek. You don't got no hiking path. A trek is straight through.

[Andy]

A trek is difficult. That is a fact. Okay. Treks are not easy.

[Jason]

Yeah, it's not for the week.

[Andy]

If I go on a hike, there's a path. It's established. Whatever. A trek has obstacles. A trek absolutely has some difficulty. This is not happy. Go lucky. Just whatever this is, like, it's as the crow flies.

[Mike]

I want to get to that lake. You're going to go on the path.

[Jason]

Where do you.

[Mike]

I'm taking a trek straight through the woods.

[Jason]

Where do you trek to?

[Andy]

It could be anywhere.

[Jason]

Are you sure?

[Andy]

I am sure. So like, let's say you're on a hike. Okay. You're on a hike. You're up at your cabin in the woods because we've established trees. Important on a hike. Also elevation, well established. Part of normal hiking. Kind of inclined. You're hiking just at least a 3% incline. So you're. But this is like a 10%. So you're on this 10% incline up through the cabin in the woods and you're going on a hike. It's your morning hike. You've done this hike a million times. You come across a bear, that bear attacks you, that you climb into a tree. It climbs after you on a tree.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

You stay in the tree and the bear circles the tree for a while. You are scared. You're trying to call your family.

[Jason]

I thought the bear was a family.

[Andy]

No, it went back to the bottom. It's waiting you out. This is. This is not.

[Mike]

He doesn't want to climb. It was easy for it, but it's.

[Andy]

Not going to do it super easy. It could do it at any time. He wants to wear you out. It wants this to be. It wants you to run out of food and hope. So then you're trying to call your family, trying to text, trying to call 911. You can't get a hold. You're in a cabin in the woods in the middle. There's no service. You don't have satellite phone yet, obviously. And so this is a real issue. You decide there's only one way out. This bear is not leaving without you. You jump down on back door, jump on the back of this bear, you give it a rear naked choke. It's somehow some way you survive and you kill that bear and you walk back down to your house. That was not a hike. You took a trek, my man.

[Jason]

Because you got in a bear fight.

[Andy]

Because there was.

[Mike]

I want to agree, because that took forever.

[Andy]

Because a trek has obstacles. A trek is arduous.

[Mike]

Did you walk back on the same morning path?

[Andy]

Sure. I mean, probably.

[Mike]

So if you fight a bear, it's a trek.

[Andy]

If you have obstacles and problems that you overcome, that's a trek.

[Mike]

What about your alcoholism that lets you do it?

[Andy]

Like if you overcome alcoholism. What a trek.

[Jason]

But then what's a journey?

[Mike]

A journey is really. It's so broad. It must. You must be able to tell the story of a journey in more than half an hour, obviously.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

You have to be able to sit around a campfire and tell it.

[Andy]

A journey doesn't require problems. That is not a prerequisite. You can have.

[Mike]

It requires distance and space. You have to have least 12 kilometers. You have to at least cross one line of like one country to another state to a state.

[Andy]

It's got to have a line on a map.

[Jason]

Okay, we should move on. I Don't think we learned anything.

[Mike]

What's the difference between a. Okay, which one do I want to go with? What's the difference between renovating, remodeling, and revamping?

[Andy]

Revamping is almost nothing.

[Mike]

If you revamp a room, what happens.

[Jason]

To the room you just did? You just like, move the furniture around.

[Andy]

Yeah. Maybe you added a revamped.

[Mike]

It's not remodeling. That's not renovating.

[Andy]

You added a vase, you decorated a little bit.

[Mike]

Oh, look, we revamped.

[Andy]

We revamped this room.

[Mike]

Oh, you put up a new picture.

[Andy]

Yeah. Look at the wallpaper over there. Totally different. Same room, same room.

[Jason]

Wallpaper is a revamp. Well, I feel like wallpaper goes. One remodel.

[Andy]

No, that was one wall.

[Jason]

Oh, an accent wall.

[Andy]

It was an accent wall. That's right. I didn't do the whole room.

[Mike]

You probably didn't really do any prep. You probably just put it up real quick.

[Andy]

Yeah, it was a quick revamp. Okay, now when you look at a renovation or a remodel, now that's.

[Mike]

That's where it gets interesting.

[Andy]

We're getting into. You got a. Did you hire someone you know, cuz one of these needs work?

[Mike]

I think both of those needs worker.

[Jason]

Can I one or two? Okay, so needs work. Can you remodel which is more expensive without tools?

[Andy]

No, I don't think so.

[Mike]

No.

[Jason]

Okay. I was. Thought I found a.

[Mike]

No. Unless you could push the wall down. I can push a wall down. Then yes.

[Andy]

I think a remodel is more expensive in a bigger project than a renovation. Than renovation.

[Mike]

I'm doing a home renovation. I'm doing a home remodel. I don't know.

[Jason]

Oh, renovations. Way more intense.

[Andy]

Really?

[Jason]

Yes.

[Mike]

I think renovation might be bigger.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Jason]

Wait, wait, wait.

[Andy]

Okay, hold on. You hear all the time.

[Mike]

You can remodel a bathroom. You can't renovate a bathroom. You renovate a house. It's a bigger scale. Remodel a bathroom, renovate a house.

[Andy]

A renovation. You're not renovating a house. Multi room, 100%.

[Jason]

I think you got to take a wall down.

[Andy]

You have to take a wall down.

[Jason]

Because it's like I could remodel the bathroom, but if I took a wall down while I'm remodeling, I have renovated.

[Andy]

Okay. So when you're talking about workers, contractors, that is a full scale renovation. You have to renovate.

[Mike]

Remodel your bathroom yourself. Yes. You could technically remodel your own bathroom. Yeah. What I want to know is when we're taking all These walls down, why are we using them again? We got to find a way to get them down and move them around.

[Andy]

Take a wall down?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

They use tools, the walls unusually.

[Mike]

We need to be able to cut them out.

[Jason]

Yeah, the drywall.

[Mike]

Yeah, the whole thing.

[Andy]

It would be. And move it and recycle, reuse, you know, this would be good, I think, for us to figure out how to reuse walls.

[Mike]

We're so smart. All right, we're taking a break. Then we're drafting dumb.

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[Mike]

Well, this should be fun. We are drafting classic dad sayings, of which Mike has already tried to work about 10 of them into today's show. But classic dad sayings, we are all dads. We have probably used some of these.

[Jason]

I have used many of these on.

[Mike]

Purpose or on accident. They just. They find a way into conversation.

[Jason]

Yeah, some of them. I feel it inside and it's like a gas bubble and I can't stop it. I have to say it.

[Mike]

All right. Classic dad sayings. Mike, you have the first pick. You said you thought There was a.

[Jason]

One on one there.

[Andy]

I would.

[Jason]

That was. I was lying.

[Andy]

I said I thought there was a one on one.

[Jason]

There's a one on one for me because I have to say it every time it's. You arrive somewhere where a line is involved and you're at the front, and then rapidly after you get there, a huge line comes in behind you.

[Andy]

Okay, so I get my 101. Go on, go on.

[Mike]

Yeah. What is this saying?

[Jason]

Guess what came at the right time.

[Mike]

Interesting.

[Andy]

Okay, guess who came at the right time.

[Mike]

Guess who came at the right time.

[Andy]

That is said that every time that's happened. See, every time that happens, you can't not say it. No. I can't ignore the success of being at the front of the line before all these people, these losers.

[Jason]

Yes. Yeah. I got here at the right time.

[Andy]

Oh, that's.

[Mike]

That.

[Andy]

You know what? That is absolutely not worth the one on one. But a great pick.

[Jason]

Okay?

[Andy]

I love that pick. That was not on my list. That's a fantastic fourth rounder, man. But I just want to tell you, like, I know you. You might think. Look, Mike.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

I'm not mad, okay? I'm just disappointed. That to me, is the most classic. Do you know how long I waited in my life to be able to tell someone I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed? And the truth is, the actual not.

[Jason]

Truth is I am mad and disappointed.

[Andy]

No, no. Sometimes it's a true statement and it's a powerful statement. And I have used this classic dad line in the most serious setting imaginable without any joke or like, I have said this for its full, original intent and purpose.

[Jason]

To harm.

[Andy]

To guide and build and let my kids know that I am not mad. I am just disappointed. And because I want what I'm saying to hurt more. You know what I mean?

[Jason]

See, to harm in that way. This is what I said.

[Mike]

I dismissed you and then described what you said.

[Jason]

But I'm not trying to harm. I'm just trying to inflict pain.

[Andy]

I'm not mad.

[Mike]

To make an emotional impact more than madness.

[Andy]

Exactly. Exactly.

[Mike]

Did that work well on you as a kid? Did you ever get that line?

[Andy]

I don't think I got.

[Mike]

I wonder if we got the line and then we give the line.

[Andy]

There were definitely a few. There's some things on my list that I swore growing up.

[Jason]

I swore you'd never say.

[Andy]

I will never say this when I'm a parent. Oh, I've said it.

[Jason]

800 billion. When I have used. Especially my youngest, then it turns into an argument of. He's like, nuh, you're mad.

[Andy]

Oh, geez. He doesn't believe me.

[Jason]

You're like, no, dude, I'm not mad. I'm disappointed. No, you're saying. You're saying it like you're mad, and then before you know you're mad, guess who's mad?

[Andy]

Well, you're right. Are you happy now?

[Jason]

I wasn't, but now I'm mad.

[Mike]

All right, I'm going to go with my. I got two picks. Right. I'm going to go with the first one. When I was your age.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Mike]

I'm going to go with when I was your age.

[Andy]

That's a good one. They got to know.

[Jason]

Yes, they do.

[Andy]

Everything that you did that was better than what they do.

[Mike]

That is correct. And then I will follow that up with another classic deadline. Ask your mother.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah, that's not on my list.

[Jason]

That's so good.

[Mike]

I will go with ask your mother. Yes.

[Andy]

My favorite part of that. And this is part of why I did the I'm not mad. I'm disappointed because it feels specifically like a dad talk. A lot of these are just parent sayings. This is a debt. That is a dad saying. Ask your mother. This is like, I'm not Mom. I'm dad. Did you forget who I am? Go. Go ask the boss. That's good.

[Jason]

I am the assistant manager.

[Andy]

Yes. No, that's good. When I was your age, what are your most common uses of that? Like, for me, it's either chores or jobs.

[Jason]

Oh.

[Andy]

Like, when I was your age, I.

[Mike]

Was happy to have this or that or the other.

[Andy]

So yours is more like gratitude, probably. Okay.

[Jason]

Mine is always of just, like, trying to explain to them, like, the tech and, like, the things that you have. And I was like, when I was your age, we didn't this.

[Mike]

We looked it up in an encyclopedia.

[Jason]

Like, imagine we had to drive our cars. You know how we got to a place? You picked up the phone and you wrote down a list of directions, and if you mess something up, you're not going to get there. You're just going to turn around and go back home.

[Andy]

Yeah. When my children are grounded and they can't have their electronics, I try to let them know, like, you are now my happiest youth. What? I have nothing to do. These didn't exist 40 years ago. All right, so it's back on me.

[Mike]

Yep.

[Andy]

This is the one that I swore growing up I would never say this. And I did a good job with this for not saying it. Of not saying this. I would always give a full, respectful rationale and reasoning for any decision I had because I. Because I actively thought as I was growing up, I was never going to say what my mom used to say. Once upon a time, and for the first five or six years of having children, man, I nailed that. Once the dam broke, man, once the water started flowing, it's just like. Well, I used it once. Because I said so. Because I said so. You want to know all the reason you need to do what? I just said. I said it. That's all. You don't need my motivation. You don't need to know all the rationale because I. Your father said so. Oh, my gosh. I went so long not saying, and then you just.

[Mike]

You got it. You got them all out.

[Andy]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I got a lot more to go to.

[Jason]

When you get four flustered and you're just like.

[Mike]

And you don't want to explain anymore.

[Jason]

That's exactly what it is.

[Mike]

That's why the original dad invented that one, because he was tired of explaining.

[Andy]

Not only that, I gave you five times, six times.

[Jason]

I've already told you why. So now just do it.

[Andy]

Also, you don't need to know. You don't. I've got good reasons.

[Jason]

This is need to know. You don't need to know.

[Andy]

You don't need to know that to do what I'm saying. You don't need. Just do it, because I. See, I can tell you.

[Mike]

Yeah, I can tell you've used it. All right, Mike, you got two of them.

[Jason]

All right. This one, I feel like, is the classic dad vacation. And I have used it before. The. Do not make me turn the car around as you are driving.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah, don't make me turn the car.

[Mike]

Don't make me turn this car around.

[Jason]

Because.

[Mike]

Have you ever turned it around? Because it starts to become a false price. I know, I know.

[Andy]

No, it's always, wait. Has anybody actually turned the car around? No. In the history of humanity, the problem.

[Jason]

Is whenever that phrase has to be uttered is because we're going somewhere for something that I have already paid for.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Or a long trip. Because they're getting upset with how long it is.

[Mike]

They don't tell you how inconvenient turning the car around would actually be. Those false promises.

[Jason]

So I got that one. And then another one that as soon as you have children, you just. You can't stop. Let's say you go to the grocery store, they're ringing up your items. There's an item. Guys, it doesn't ring up and they can't find it. You know what that means? Looks like it's free. Looks like.

[Andy]

Oh, to the cashier.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

Crap.

[Andy]

I've said that so many times. I've never pulled that one out.

[Jason]

You know, Jay, you should. They love it. They do.

[Andy]

They love. They pretend it's too cringy.

[Jason]

They don't.

[Andy]

They hate that. It's the same as, like. Like, there's a couple things that were free.

[Jason]

I will also. Or free 99. Oh, there's. You could do that one, too.

[Andy]

Sure.

[Mike]

That one.

[Andy]

I've never done sugar on it.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

There are a couple things that were so cringy growing up that I've stuck to the. I'm not going to do that when I'm. And every time I will say this, it crosses my mind every single time, you know? Did you get a haircut? Don't say it. Don't say I got all of them cut. Don't do it.

[Mike]

That's.

[Andy]

That's how I feel about that. It looks like it's free. Oh, yeah, but you think it. Yeah, but you. Sometimes you got to have some. Some pride in who you are. All right. Is it back on me again?

[Jason]

It is.

[Andy]

Okay, man. I've got. I've got a lot on my list here. I'm going to say a dad saying a classic dad phrase. This will hurt me more than it will hurt you.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Andy]

You know?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

It's never the truth, but this. I want you to understand. I'm not going to take pleasure in this.

[Jason]

I mean, the turning the car around. That will hurt me more than it hurts you.

[Andy]

Yeah. So that's just the classic.

[Mike]

No, it's a good one.

[Andy]

You know, It's a good one.

[Mike]

My third pick will be. Don't make me come in there.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah, because.

[Mike]

And I really don't want to come in there because I'm in. I'm in another room and you're yelling with each other, doing something. You're fighting.

[Andy]

You're hiding the word please in that.

[Mike]

And I'm like, yeah, it's please. Don't make me come in there. Sometimes I guess I throw the please in there.

[Andy]

Very kind man.

[Mike]

So, yeah, don't make me come in there.

[Andy]

Please.

[Mike]

Don't make me come in there. I got to pick a real good one for. For the last one.

[Jason]

Well, it is your last pick, so you should probably take it.

[Mike]

Yeah, I'm just trying to. It's got to be.

[Andy]

What?

[Mike]

I heard it as a kid. I tried to use it a couple times. It didn't really land. Oh, it's a classic. It's where you raised in a barn.

[Jason]

Oh, dude, that is on my list. It's the. I have used it where you're.

[Mike]

Where they leave the door open.

[Jason]

Oh, goodness gracious. What did we have?

[Mike]

And they do it.

[Jason]

We had some stuff in life where all the families at my house for multiple days and there's just so many of them. And these hooligan children, they go outside, they're like, eh. Door wide open. Like, what are you doing? Just reach behind the door is closed. That. Or I mean you could take it. But I was the. We're trying to out. What is it? Air condition the outside.

[Mike]

Oh, yeah.

[Jason]

It's pretty much the same thing, but yes. Yeah. Oh, my gosh.

[Mike]

Children, were you born in a barn? All right, Jason, you get one final shot.

[Andy]

There's so many left. It's so hard to pick. All right, so I've got. I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed. This will hurt me more than it hurts you. And what was my third one? Looks like?

[Mike]

I don't know because I said so.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah. I'm not mad.

[Mike]

I'm just disappointed because I said so. And this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.

[Jason]

Oh, gosh.

[Andy]

Do I want to go classic or what I say? I'm going to go with what I say. This is. That's not a classic. This is a classic.

[Jason]

Just go. Go with the heart.

[Mike]

Come on, dad.

[Jason]

What do you say?

[Andy]

What do I say? There's definitely one phrase I've said more than any other phrase to my children in the 16 years that I've had them because I have two boys. And understand this has only been to my boys. It was to my daughter for about, I don't know, six or seven years. Brush your teeth. It's just like.

[Mike]

That's a classic downline, huh, dude? Brush your teeth.

[Andy]

Brush your teeth.

[Jason]

I mean, why don't that said that said probably five times minimum in my house every day.

[Andy]

Wrap my head. I still. This week and every week for the last at least six years.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

This week I have this. This morning. Actually, that's not true. But yesterday morning, which is true. I have the. Turning the phrase to the conversation like, when. When are you going to do this on your own? When will you just be like, this is disgusting to possibly just decide to not brush your teeth. That's not like I should never have to say. I should never once have to tell you.

[Mike]

Why should I brush to brush your teeth?

[Andy]

Because I Said so. But if I don't say, brush your teeth five times, if I tell them brush your teeth, I know it's not done. If I tell them brush your teeth two times, I'm confident it's not done. If I say, did you brush your teeth? And they say, yes, I am pretty sure it's not done. And when I say, brush your teeth right now, I've got a 50. 50 shot.

[Mike]

That's. Yeah. Yeah.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

It's a good one. Brush your teeth. Jason's go to.

[Andy]

Not a classic, but said a lot.

[Jason]

In my house, I feel like. I mean, like, I had when I was a kid. I was the same. I hated showering. I hated brushing my teeth.

[Andy]

It makes no sense. I was, too. Is it all boys?

[Mike]

I think it's those things stand in the way of you doing something you want to do.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

That's what it is. It's. You're like, okay, I want to go play. I want to go do something. Yeah.

[Jason]

And I feel like all kids do. Generally, it's. Once you become interested in romance. Right. Is. You're like, oh, oh, oh. I need. All right. Oh, oh. Like.

[Andy]

I've.

[Jason]

I have. I have a son who's at the age of. I would think he'd be interested in some romance, and he's.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Not brushing the teeth. It's disgusting. And. All right, so my last pick. I don't know why we. Whatever. I don't know why we would fully do this because it's pretty silly. Maybe because it insinuates you're old, but you get caught on the couch. Your eyes are closed.

[Mike]

Oh, I almost went with this one. Mike.

[Jason]

I'm not sleeping. I'm just resting my eyes.

[Mike]

It's such a good one.

[Jason]

And you're like, no, I was definitely trying to sneak in a snooze here. I was trying to get five to 10 minutes. And I guess it's because you're like, I don't want to be seen as old and weak and frail of, I need a nap. You're like, no, I just. I just had to rest them.

[Mike]

Sometimes mom doesn't want dad to take.

[Jason]

A nap and just, like, got to.

[Mike]

Take care of the kitties.

[Jason]

And, like, you will be startled awake and you will still say that because we are morons.

[Mike]

Yeah, Mike. Guess we came at the right time. Don't make me turn this car around. Looks like it's free. And I'm not sleeping. I'm just resting my eyes. Jason, with the. I'm not mad. I'm Disappointed because I said so. This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you. And then brush your teeth.

[Jason]

I like it.

[Andy]

Not quite as clever.

[Mike]

A private plea to his own children right this moment. And I have. When I was your age. Ask your mother. Don't make me come in there. And were you born in a barn?

[Andy]

Okay. What else? Oh, what did we learn today?

[Jason]

No time for that.

[Andy]

Other things on the list?

[Mike]

Yeah, go ahead. I've got.

[Andy]

If all your friends jump off a bridge, we do. Classic. As long as you live under my roof.

[Jason]

Oh, you pull that rules.

[Mike]

That's a good one.

[Andy]

Do as I say, not as I do. That's a good one. You think money grows on trees?

[Jason]

I have. I have that one on there.

[Andy]

And then now. Now that they're older. Be home by 11.

[Jason]

Yeah. A little curfew at the money one. I had like a let's rock and roll. That'll put hair on your chest.

[Mike]

That's a really good. Some of the ones that I was looking up classics beyond what I could think of, they definitely felt a generation older.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Mike]

Like some didn't quite, you know, what do you think I am, the electric company or whatever, you know. Yeah. So what did I learn today?

[Andy]

I learned about prison hooch.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

AKA toilet wine.

[Mike]

Yeah, me too.

[Jason]

I learned that given the chance between underwear, long underwear, or gloves, Jason will.

[Andy]

Just take the gloves in the winter to stay warm.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Just like all the. The real winter people do.

[Jason]

Thank you for tuning in. Goodbye.

[Andy]

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to. Check out spitballers pod.com.

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