Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: Butt Hiccups & Classic Dad Sayings
Date: September 15, 2025
Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason

Episode Overview

This episode is a quintessential ride through the Spitballers' signature blend of dad humor, absurd hypotheticals, and lighthearted debates. The award-winning trio tackles classic dad sayings in a draft, wrestles with the life-altering consequences of butt hiccups, weighs the pros and cons of gloves vs. ski pants, and muses on the subtleties of language and parenting. Expect plenty of memorable "dad" wisdom, laughter at their own expense, and a celebration of life’s silly side.

Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Would You Rather?

(02:55–20:00)

• Voice vs. Face – Expressing Emotion

  • Would you rather not be able to convey emotion through your voice or through your facial expressions?
  • The crew philosophizes about podcasting, everyday interaction, wrinkles, and societal treatment of age.
  • Quote:
    • Jason: “Look at these lines. These lines are earned on my face.” (05:59)
    • Andy: “Why don’t we appreciate physical experience the way we appreciate mental experience?” (06:30)

• Bulk Gloves vs. Ski Pants (leaving the house)

  • Would you rather wear bulky winter gloves at all times outside or always have on long underwear and ski pants?
  • Pros/cons: extreme Arizona heat, inability to use your phone, possible solutions for limiting kids’ screen time.
  • Quote:
    • Jason: “Maybe these non-capacitive ski gloves are the solution to kids being on their phones too much. We just put them in gloves!” (09:49)
    • Andy: “You would be hotter in big, bulky snow gloves [than ski pants].” (11:15)

• Prison: Butt Hiccups Edition

  • Would you rather serve a year in prison, or be released the first time you get a 5+ minute bout of hiccups?
  • Tangents include: the improbability of deliberate hiccups, DIY prison wine ("pruno" or "prison hooch"), and the possibility (and naming) of “butt hiccups.”
  • Quote:
    • Mike: “If you had to fart for half an hour while you sleep in jail, you’d be out in a day.” (19:04)
    • Andy: “Everyone’s got to go to prison once in their life.” (08:26; jokingly)

• Sunglasses (Never vs. Always)

  • Never wear sunglasses or always wear them, even indoors?
  • Arizona sun struggles, prescription sunglasses, “rockstar” stereotypes, and the perils of transition lenses.
  • Quote:
    • Jason: “The quality of your life will go up if you wear sunglasses outside.” (22:31)
    • Andy: “When I walk inside and put sunglasses on, they might as well be black.” (23:46)

2. What’s the Difference?

(29:22–41:00)

• Hovering vs. Levitating vs. Flying

  • The guys debate the physical and semantic distinctions, ultimately agreeing:
    • Hovering: Moves slowly/steadily above a surface; close to it.
    • Levitating: Motionless, possibly higher; just “suspended.”
    • Flying: Fast, dynamic, altitude can vary—it’s about travel, not just placement.
  • Quote:
    • Jason: “Flying is to hovering as running is to walking.” (29:40)
    • Mike (facetiously): “You hover over something… but if it’s too high… that’s not hovering, that’s levitating.” (30:55)

• Trek vs. Hike vs. Journey

  • Definitions spiral: hiking needs a path and elevation, a trek is arduous and off-path, and a journey is long and can be metaphorical.
  • Quote:
    • Andy: “A trek has obstacles. A trek is arduous. A trek absolutely has some difficulty.” (37:33)
    • Jason: “If you fight a bear, it’s a trek.” (37:47)

• Renovate vs. Remodel vs. Revamp

  • Revamp: Superficial—move furniture, paint a wall, update decor.
  • Remodel: More serious—new fixtures, cabinets, possibly done DIY.
  • Renovate: Most extensive—structural changes, experts/contractors, multi-room or full house.
  • Quote:
    • Jason: “You can remodel a bathroom, but if you take a wall down, you have renovated.” (40:16)
    • Andy: “A renovation… that’s a full-scale project.” (40:21)

3. The Spitballers Draft: Classic Dad Sayings

(42:55–57:57)

The guys do a round-robin draft of “classic dad sayings.” Each pick is a line deployed by generations of dads, punctuated by stories and inevitable personal confessions.

Draft Highlights

| Pick | Speaker | Saying | Memorable Commentary | |---|---------|-------------|----------------------| | 1. | Mike | "Guess who came at the right time" | Not worth the 101, but iconic in its own way. (44:14)| | 2. | Andy | "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed." | "Do you know how long I waited to say this?" (44:20)| | 3. | Mike | "When I was your age..." | Used for chores, gratitude, and “back in my day” rants. (46:30)| | 4. | Mike | "Ask your mother." | "I'm the assistant manager." (47:11)| | 5. | Andy | "Because I said so." | He swore never to use it… then he broke. (48:20)| | 6. | Jason | "Don't make me turn this car around." | No one ever actually does. (50:13)| | 7. | Jason | "Looks like it's free" (when item doesn't scan) | "I've never pulled that one out." (51:06)| | 8. | Andy | "This will hurt me more than it hurts you." | "It's never the truth, but…" (52:15)| | 9. | Mike | "Don't make me come in there." | "Please" is hidden inside that dad command. (52:46)| | 10.| Mike | "Were you born in a barn?" | Open doors, wasted AC, universal dad outrage. (53:16)| | 11.| Andy | "Brush your teeth." | Not classic, but “said a lot”—the universal battle with kids. (55:11)| | 12.| Jason | "I'm not sleeping, I'm just resting my eyes." | The nap-denial standard. (57:24)|

Extra honorable mentions:

• "If all your friends jumped off a bridge…"
• "As long as you live under my roof..."
• "Do as I say, not as I do."
• "Money doesn’t grow on trees."

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Dad Lines:

  • Andy: “I waited my whole life to say 'I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.'” (44:20)
  • Jason: “I have to say it every time: ‘Guess who came at the right time?’” (43:54)
  • Mike: “I am the assistant manager.” (47:11)

• Dad Experience:

  • Jason: “These lines are earned on my face.” (05:59)
  • Andy: “The last two years, I stopped using [sunglasses]. I stopped. I haven’t worn them. It’s weird.” (22:40)

• Parenting Philosophy:

  • Andy: “Why don’t we appreciate physical experience the way we appreciate mental experience?” (06:30)
  • Mike: “Ask your mother.” (46:45)
  • Jason: “You big band. Fifteen minutes ago, he turned the air off again.” (13:01 — running office joke on temperature and aging)

Noteworthy Tangents

• Prison Hooch:
  The guys explore “prison hooch” (pruno), discussing the mechanics and horror of fermenting booze in a toilet.
  “Are you making it right now?” (Andy, 17:24)

• Butt Hiccups:
  Explaining the finer points of sleep-farting, and whether a steady bout might get you out of prison faster than hiccups.

• Allergy to Sunglasses:
  Why do kids in Arizona refuse sunglasses? “You offer them sunglasses, and they’ll say, I do not need.” (20:24)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Would You Rather: 02:55–20:00
• What's The Difference: 29:22–41:00
• Spitballers Draft (Dad Sayings): 42:55–57:57

Tone & Language

The Spitballers’ tone is playful, sharp-witted, and universally family-friendly. They riff off each other, self-deprecate, and revel in the mundane absurdities of being dads and adult children. Advice is given, promptly ignored, and wisdom is dispensed with tongue firmly in cheek.

For the Uninitiated

This episode radiates the heart of classic Spitballers: dads who don’t take themselves too seriously, but take silliness to a crafted art. With relatable riffs for parents, nostalgic hits for grown-up kids, and pop culture whimsy, it’s prime “laugh with” and not “laugh at” comedy for all ages.

For more episodes: SpitballersPod.com