Smell Your Feelings & Worst Ways to Wake Someone Up - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Summary

Spitballers Comedy Podcast

Episode: "Smell Your Feelings & Worst Ways to Wake Someone Up - Spit Hits!"

Date: July 9, 2026
Hosts: Andy, Mike, and Jason

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Overview

In this episode, the Spitballers take on a mix of ridiculous hypothetical scenarios and questions—true to form, blending family-friendly chaos with dad-level wisdom and offbeat life advice. They tackle such classics as: "What's the worst way to wake someone up?", whether emotions would have smells, and debate if eating breakfast for dinner is truly breakfast or dinner. The episode is rapid-fire, filled with playful bickering, relatable parenting woes, product tangents, and hilarious personal anecdotes—showcasing why Andy, Mike, and Jason have become the “two-time comedy podcast of the year.”

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Opening Banter, Scat Fiasco, & Mute Button Wars

• Banter sets the tone as Andy’s intro scat is “sabotaged” by Jason hitting his mute button, sparking a debate about whether to fix it in post-production or let the chaos ride.
  • Memorable moment:
    “Jason trying to ruin the scat for everybody.” — Andy (03:16)
• The group riff on accidental and deliberate button pushes—referencing their prankster personalities (or lack thereof).

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2. Would You Rather: NFL Reception vs. MLB Hit

[06:10–11:30]

• Scenario: Catch a 15+ yard NFL pass against a real cornerback, or make MLB contact and get to first base—with only 5 tries.
• Debate:
  • Mike is adamant: “Give us five chances against a major league baseball pitcher. We will go 0 for 15. There is no chance. … The hardest thing in sports: hitting.” (06:23, 07:12)
  • Jason’s counter: “I think you'll get one [hit] if it's just fastballs down the center.” (10:03)
  • Andy reveals, in his words: “If I were to face an MLB pitcher … I would do as good a job if my eyes were closed.” (08:17)
• Findings: All agree both are nearly impossible, but some (not all) favor NFL reception as remotely more possible.

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3. Sleep Dilemmas & Bougie Beds

[11:56–22:22]

• Would you rather get 4 hour uninterrupted sleep or 8 hours split by 5-minute wake-ups every hour?
• Jason laments over 40-sleeping woes: “Help me fix this problem … So when it's really cold, it's nice. … But the way an air conditioner works is once it hits the temperature, it stops blowing air. At that point, I’m too hot.” (13:10)
• Andy and Mike debate fans vs. luxury beds:
  • Andy: “We can't use our ceiling fan. It's just watching, just hold down the covers, cause it's flying off you.” (15:10)
  • Jason: “You don't got your bougie bed … perfect bidet … magical flosser.” (16:48)
• Memorable moment:
  • The saga of Jason’s high-end bed, travel CPAP, and newly acquired water flosser. “Seven seconds, my entire mouth flossed. All teeth. It's awesome.” — Andy (17:34)
• Discussion branches into sleep cycles, Da Vinci’s and Edison’s nap schedules, and the etymology of “breakfast”—which means, literally, to “break the fast.”
  • “It's time of your day, a time of awakening.” — Andy (28:49)

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4. Deep Dives into Breakfast & Time

[25:52–29:41]

• If you make “breakfast for dinner,” is it breakfast or dinner?
  • Consensus: “You're making dinner. … If you have a bowl of cereal for dinner, that's dinner.” — Andy (26:12, 26:49)
• Philosophical angle: Breakfast is based more on when you wake up rather than the food/time.
  • “I think it's time based, but not time of day.” — Andy (29:29)
  • The literal meaning of “breakfast” baffles and delights the crew.
  • “Why is it not break fast?” — Mike (29:54)
    “Because words, we say them quickly.” — Jason (30:07)

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5. If Emotions Smelled: “Smell Your Feelings”

[30:31–34:56]

• The crew assigns scents to emotions:
  • Anger: “Anger smells like fire or burning … like ash.” (30:58, 31:27)
  • Disgust: “Disgust smells like poop.” — Jason (31:10)
  • Joy/Happiness: “Joy smells like sunshine or flowers.” (31:29)
  • Envy: “Envy smells like dirty money.” — Andy (33:38)
  • Sadness: “Rain.” — Andy (34:02)
  • Anxiety: (collective struggle) “Is it like car fumes? … exhaust?” — Mike (34:43–34:51)
  • Joke gets meta: “That joke was on the nose.” — Andy (35:02)
• Mike explains the real “sun smell”: “A warm, slightly sweet … scent … is caused by sun’s UV radiation with skin’s natural oils and bacteria.” (33:03)

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6. DIY Toothpaste During a Hypothetical Toothpaste Shortage

[35:48–41:10]

• What would you use if toothpaste disappears in a pandemic?
  • “Baking soda’s good.” — Andy (37:14)
  • “Coconut oil is a thing that people do … swish it around your mouth for 30 seconds … really, really good for you.” — Andy (37:52)
  • Jason recounts pandemic toilet paper shortages and “mini rolls” misadventures: “Normal cardboard tube?” (36:22)
  • Jokes about the “magic” of baking soda and vinegar: “What can’t baking soda do?” (38:59)
  • Andy is shocked that combining vinegar and baking soda is what powers science-fair volcanoes.

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7. The Spitballers Draft: “Worst Ways to Wake Someone Up”

[43:00–54:53]

Draft Picks

• Jason’s Picks:
  1. Air horn at point-blank range ("You're waking the person up. They’re going to hate you for it." 43:22)
  2. Full-volume mariachi band
  3. Full-volume death metal
  4. Pie in the face (whipped cream, apple, etc.)
• Mike’s Picks:
  1. Bucket of cold water
  2. Antiquing (throwing a fistful of flour in someone’s face) (“They look like a statue.” 48:39)
  3. Sweat them out (crank the heat)
  4. Waking up to the smell of cinnamon roll candles (with no actual cinnamon rolls—“psychological warfare” 52:59)
• Andy’s Picks:
  1. Fart in the face (“it's a bad way to wake up!” 44:41)
  2. Hide a scary clown next to the bed (“wake them up with a clown in their face.” 47:32)
  3. Tarantula on the face (“I would go back to sleep forever—the long sleep.” 51:23)
  4. Crash cymbals right next to the bed

Notable Quotes & Moments

• “Imagine waking them up mid getting ready to fart on them. That's a real awkward situation.” — Jason (45:03)
• “If I woke up [to a tarantula] that fashion, I’d go back to sleep forever—the long sleep.” — Andy (51:11)
• “Oh, my gosh. If I woke up to the smell of bacon and then I come out and it’s a freaking candle—you’re grounded!” — Andy (53:22)

Honorable Mentions

• Hand in warm water (to make you pee)
• Tickling
• Waking up two hours early (by changing clocks—“That’s brutal.” 55:29)
• Smelling salts

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Memorable Quotes (with Attribution & Timestamps)

• “If you invent a bed that literally goes from horizontal to fully stood up … that’s genius, Andy.” — Jason (05:13–05:25)
• “I don’t think I could swing. When that ball is coming at me, my back is turning—that ball comes fast.” — Andy (11:00–11:02)
• “This show should be called What to Buy If You’re Rich.” — Jason (17:06)
• “Breakfast is based, not on the time of day, but time of awakening.” — Andy (28:49)
• “Envy smells like dirty money … Everyone here knows the smell of dirty cash.” — Andy (33:38)
• “That joke was on the nose.” — Andy (35:02)
• “What can’t baking soda do?” — Mike (38:59)
• “Imagine how many sales they’d have if they had sponsored the show.” — Jason (50:48)
• “If I woke up in that fashion [tarantula on face], I’d go back to sleep forever—the long sleep.” — Andy (51:11)

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Timestamps of Key Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |----------------------------------------------------|-------------------| | Mute button/scat debacle | 02:04–03:50 | | Would you rather: NFL vs. MLB challenge | 06:10–11:30 | | Sleep cycles, luxury beds, and fans | 11:56–22:22 | | Breakfast vs. Dinner: Definitions & debate | 25:52–29:41 | | Emotions as smells | 30:31–34:56 | | Toothpaste shortage, alternative solutions | 35:48–41:10 | | Spitballers Draft: Worst ways to wake up | 43:00–54:53 |

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Tone & Style

Consistent with Spitballers’ signature style:

• Playful, warm, and dad-joke-heavy
• Light on practical advice—heavy on nonsense
• A balance of self-deprecation, bickering, and “solidarity in struggle” (with parenting, sleep, and bathroom woes)
• Sincere laughter over inside jokes and product digressions

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Useful Takeaways

• Spitballers continues to blend relatable, clean comedy with wild hypotheticals and a touch of utterly useless (but fun) life advice.
• If you’re searching for family-friendly laughs, a good debate on everyday absurdities, and wild ideas for pranking (or avoiding pranks), this episode delivers.

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For more nonsense, visit: spitballerspod.com

Transcript

[Andy]

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[Andy]

What happens when three buffoons give life advice? Explore unrealistic situations.

[Sponsor Voice]

Situations.

[Andy]

And give random topics more thought than they probably deserve. It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason.

[Rachel or Jordan]

Yes.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Mike]

I did it.

[Andy]

Yeah, baby. Take that spit watts, turn and heel.

[Mike]

Hey, Andy, did you push your button?

[Jason]

No, that's not what happened.

[Mike]

Oh, it's not? No, no.

[Andy]

But I pushed his button. Jason reached over and I held it down. Suckers.

[Jason]

Jason reached over. I started an amazing legendary scat. And Jason reached over and pushed the mute button in his effort to get rid of.

[Andy]

Here's the dilemma.

[Jason]

I know you have it.

[Andy]

I can unmute it and post if we want and it'll be there. Or we could let Jason's shenanigans ride.

[Jason]

See, the thing is, is I didn't even hear myself scat.

[Mike]

No, I couldn't hear it either.

[Andy]

Yeah, it was.

[Jason]

And it was. I bet it was amazing.

[Andy]

It was. I have no idea. It was amazing.

[Jason]

Andy, we'll have to make a decision because it basically, at this point in the show.

[Andy]

Oh, the people are so. The people are big. Mad people are big mad.

[Jason]

They've either heard it because we put it in because he's got it, or

[Andy]

do we just play it now? You know what I mean?

[Jason]

I don't think. Oh, you mean right here?

[Andy]

Right here.

[Jason]

No, don't do that. Don't do that. Whoa.

[Andy]

That was so great.

[Jason]

Jason trying to ruin the scat for everybody.

[Mike]

What?

[Jason]

I think we goofster.

[Mike]

Look, look.

[Andy]

The scat itself is not gonna go away. The scat itself to intro the show is absurd. It's stupid. It's usually bad, and I just get to have my fun with it for a week or two. That's it. Don't worry about it, fam. We're good. It's totally not going away.

[Jason]

All I did was feel the guilt that I hadn't pushed the button before the show started, and Mike immediately thought

[Mike]

that I messed it up, and that would have been way funnier than Jason.

[Jason]

Sabotage. Yeah. Welcome to the Spitballers.

[Mike]

This is pretty funny, too.

[Jason]

320. Would you rather that's a great question. Where you're drafting the worst ways to wake somebody up. So what devious plans that you have concocted to wake somebody up in the morning, which. Look, we all have teenagers. Which. Look, waking a teenager up. I might need to use three or four of these.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah. I mean, there is. And you'll do it three or four times each morning. You'll wake them up once.

[Jason]

That's the worst part of it. I don't mind waking somebody up one time.

[Andy]

No, that's fine.

[Jason]

Eight times is too much.

[Andy]

Yeah. I can't stand when I have to get up to wake them up. And it's like, I didn't want to get up this early, but I know you need to be up this early and you're not going to. I woke up to wake you up, and then I come back later and

[Mike]

you're back asleep, bro. The worst. The absolute worst.

[Jason]

Don't go back to sleep.

[Mike]

No. Oh. Not much makes me as furious as the child has gone back to what I'll get ready. To be fair to it, I can't even tell you how many times I did that as a teenager.

[Andy]

That's what you do.

[Mike]

I just want to be forthright.

[Jason]

If you invent a bed that literally goes from horizontal to fully stood up,

[Mike]

you're talking about the Jetsons.

[Jason]

Is that what they did?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Oh, that's right.

[Mike]

The bed goes up and dumps it right into the shower.

[Jason]

If the bed moved up over a five minute period, there's no way to fall back asleep.

[Rachel or Jordan]

There's.

[Andy]

That's genius, Andy.

[Jason]

Just fully stand the bed up so they get knocked out.

[Andy]

They do the things with like the lights where it's like the light alarm clock and it'll just kind of brighten up the. That doesn't. My kids could sleep through me shining a light right in their face.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

They can't sleep standing up. That is brilliant, Andy.

[Jason]

Well, we'll see. We'll see. I think we've got some good ideas on bad ways to wake people up on today's show when we get there. Let's start here though. Would you rather Chuck from the website to save your life? Would you rather have to catch a 15 plus yard reception in the NFL against an NFL cornerback? Or make.

[Mike]

Just hold on.

[Andy]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Jason]

Or make contact with an MLB baseball pitch and make it to first base

[Andy]

and make it to first. In both cases, one of those is

[Jason]

you only get five.

[Mike]

That's. That is for us. You can disagree, but if you disagree with me, you're 100% wrong.

[Andy]

Okay.

[Mike]

Give us five chances against a major league baseball pitcher. We will go over 15. There is no, there is no chance that you're. That just fastballs though. It doesn't matter.

[Andy]

No, let them. They're pitching what they want.

[Mike]

Sure. You go say, okay, I know a fastball is coming down the center.

[Jason]

If you get 15 pitches down the center, I will hit the ball.

[Mike]

No, you will not.

[Jason]

I 100% you will not. I've done it in cages. You hit.

[Mike]

You've hit a 90 mile an hour ball.

[Jason]

I've made contact. I fouled it off.

[Mike]

You have to make it to first, bro.

[Jason]

I realized that. I'm just saying like you do. Your brain does speed up. You can swing earlier.

[Mike]

The hardest thing in sports, hitting.

[Jason]

I can't athlete. A cornerback though.

[Andy]

No, there's no way you can out. I mean, you see these NFL, you

[Jason]

can cheat though by pushing them.

[Mike]

Yeah. You can try and get away with something. I do think you're not hitting the ball.

[Jason]

It's probably more likely because NFL quarterbacks, while they are hyper athletic, they are shorter than me.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

So there is a chance that they tip the ball and I catch it off a tip or I poke them in the eye and I grab the football.

[Andy]

You've also got the box out position. Like, you know, I've got some meat on me. I've probably got weight on the cornerback. So I could maybe do the Antonio Gates turnaround and just, just rifle it in here five times and hope I Can I will have zero separation.

[Jason]

I still think that's more likely than five attempts at a pitch. I'm not hitting five attempts, so.

[Andy]

I know you played baseball, Andy. I never played such a boring game other than like in grade school when you were forced to stand in the outfield and do nothing and then sit in the dugout when you've got the

[Jason]

ball and do nothing but quick sidebar, though. How many sports are you terrible at, therefore call boring?

[Andy]

I don't know if I'm bad at baseball. I just didn't play it. I would probably be excellent. But I would imagine that if I were to face an MLB pitcher and I and forget making it to first because now we got to deal with sprinting and that's not my jam. I think it would take me 100 pitches to hit a ball. Like, if they were really trying. If they were really, really trying to. I mean, I believe I would do as good a job if my eyes were closed, timing it up, just going like, you know, if someone told me when to swing and then they just say, okay, try it now.

[Jason]

You played softball, right? With us. Did you play? Oh, no. Oh, you just don't play. Just don't play that sport.

[Andy]

I don't. I don't.

[Mike]

Slow pitch softball is very fun.

[Andy]

Oh, I'll bet that is much more fun.

[Mike]

I have looked. I have asked the AI overlords. This was the prompt. What is the normal batting average for an MLB hitter? This is a professional baseball average.

[Jason]

Let me try to guess it.

[Mike]

Okay. This. The normal or average batting average for an MLB hitter tends to fall around 240 to 260. 240 to 250.

[Jason]

Okay.

[Mike]

Which.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Which means a professional who spent their whole life.

[Jason]

One in four.

[Mike]

They spent their whole life training and getting ready can do it 25% of the time.

[Jason]

This is why I added the nuance, though, of like, is he throwing fastballs down the middle? Because a baseball player, when they take batting practice with fastballs down the middle, they don't bat 240, they bat 900. So if you just went to a batting cage and set it to 90 and gave me or us, I believe you too. And you gave us 25 swings. I think you'll get one.

[Andy]

Yeah. Yeah. If it's just fastballs down, I'm talking

[Mike]

about, I'll give you a foul.

[Jason]

If you close your eyes. You will not.

[Andy]

Did you see the one where the guy from dude, perfect. Was like, he tried to hit.

[Jason]

I think I saw some of it.

[Mike]

I did not.

[Andy]

Batting practice yeah. Batting practice. Tried to hit a major league pitcher and basically do this. And he did so.

[Mike]

But he's all like the main guy with the beard.

[Jason]

He's a perfect dude that.

[Mike]

Yeah, there he's able to. He's like a super sneaky, really, really good athlete.

[Jason]

If you give me more than five

[Mike]

hits, I would love to go to the cage and put it at 90 and see how you do.

[Jason]

He is confident that I will fail.

[Andy]

I would. I think I'd be on your side. I think on a batting cage that's.

[Jason]

I mean, I need a few minutes to speed. Speed things up in my head.

[Andy]

I don't think I could stand there. Like, I don't think I could swing.

[Mike]

Forget swinging.

[Jason]

No, no, no. He means being intimidated by swinging.

[Andy]

I think when that ball is coming at me, my back is turning and I. That ball comes fast. Did you see that?

[Jason]

It's. It's possible. It is scary.

[Mike]

I can't even.90. I could not imagine.

[Jason]

I mean, it's fast, Larry.

[Andy]

Faster bullets.

[Jason]

Not how fast are bullets?

[Mike]

Faster than 90.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

They can go like 100 yards in a second.

[Jason]

Well, much faster than a baseball is served from a tennis player.

[Andy]

Yeah, but there's a lot more distance,

[Jason]

like 160 miles an hour, so it's soft. 500ft per second is a bullet speed.

[Andy]

I need an mph.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

How fast are bullets in miles per hour? 409 to 7,000. 207.

[Mike]

Wait, wait. 409 to 7.

[Jason]

409 to 2,000. 727 even.

[Andy]

That's quite the range. All right.

[Mike]

Yeah, well, I mean, I'd rather get hit by the 2000.

[Jason]

Good night. All right, Larry, from the website, would you rather get four hours of continuous sleep or eight hours of sleep but you wake up for five minutes every hour than drift back to sleep? So I think there's two questions. One is which is actually better for you? And the second one is which is more annoying? I feel like you're never going to feel rested with just four hours. But I would feel rested.

[Mike]

How long does it take to rim? How long do you have to be asleep for that?

[Jason]

I don't think you have to be asleep that long to rim.

[Andy]

No, I don't think you have to be. Probably 30 minutes. You can rim around there. You're not going to. You're going to have. If you wake up every hour, the combination of REM and deep sleep will be crushed. But you're probably still better getting eight hours of sleep where you wake up every five Minutes.

[Jason]

Do you sleep through the night? No, I don't sleep through the night.

[Mike]

No. I wake up.

[Jason]

I have a wake up, like, probably once or twice. Yeah, it's either a bathroom break. It's. I'm sweaty, you know, because we, like, try to crank. Someone fixed this problem for me, by the way. Give me the solution to this.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

This is my newest.

[Mike]

That's what we're here for.

[Jason]

This is my newest 40 and over problem.

[Andy]

We.

[Jason]

It's healthier to sleep with colder temperatures. This is proven.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's great.

[Jason]

So we crank it down a little bit. Now we don't go crazy, but it's a few degrees down, and so it's very, very cold. The air is running.

[Mike]

We're talking a sub 70 here. What are we talking about?

[Jason]

No, no, like 72.

[Mike]

71.

[Jason]

72.

[Mike]

Done. The Moore's. You're a sub 70 guy, right, Jay?

[Andy]

Well, I've got a whole nother thing, which is probably my answer to Andy's thing. Sorry, it's your. It's my bougie bed.

[Mike]

This guy.

[Jason]

To go with his bougie socks and bougie pajamas.

[Andy]

Get your question out because it's probably the answer to your question.

[Jason]

By the way, you usually enter rim 90 minutes after falling asleep. So that would be a problem.

[Mike]

There you go, Mr. 30 minutes over here.

[Jason]

But he said, usual. Help me fix this problem. Because we crank it to be cold. So when it's really cold, it's nice.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

So I put the covers on. But the way an air conditioner works is once it hits the temperature, it stops blowing air. So at that point in time, I'm too hot.

[Mike]

What's going on with your fan?

[Jason]

See, I knew you were gonna go there. Ceiling fans, it's not on.

[Mike]

America. Ceiling fans in every room is that

[Jason]

you sleep with the fan.

[Andy]

We can't turn our ceiling fan.

[Mike]

Ceiling has never been off.

[Andy]

Since yours is not on, we can't turn our ceiling fan on.

[Rachel or Jordan]

And.

[Andy]

Mike, you made a face. I spent my entire life sleeping under a ceiling fan that is on. Yes, because it's wonderful. It's delightful. It's an improvement. The ceiling fan, we moved. We moved about a year ago. And the ceiling fan in my new house is taken from a Boeing 737. The lowest setting on that thing is going to fly away. My roof will leave. It is. There's something wrong with it. We can't use it. It's unusable. And if you turn that thing up to high, it's just watching. Just hold down the Covers. Cause it's flying off you.

[Mike]

We're out of here.

[Andy]

I don't know why it's this way, but that fan is like, I might as well tape down the light switch.

[Jason]

You have, like, a bed that you took a mortgage out to get. So you have the bougie bed, and you didn't think, like, maybe we just swap the fan out in 10 minutes?

[Andy]

I hate to break it to you, Andy, but I don't need no fan with the bougie bed. I'm telling you, it's because what you're talking about is. Okay, you got the covers on. What do I do about the temperature? What if the bed created the temperature for you and if you get too hot.

[Jason]

You sound like a podcast.

[Andy]

I know, I know. Not a sponsor.

[Mike]

No, no, you will not say the name of it.

[Andy]

Yeah, I will not. You're darn right, because they should be a sponsor. And I will sell a lot of your product. Unknown. Bad. You know who you are.

[Jason]

Say it right now. But I will bleep it.

[Andy]

Oh, that's right. That's right. And I'm going to cover my mouth

[Jason]

and do it like an ad, but have him bleep it out. That way, they know what they're going to get.

[Andy]

Oh, okay. Well, listen to this.

[Mike]

Oh, my gosh.

[Andy]

Is an incredible product. Not only will it help you sleep more, it is proven to add extra hours to your sleep.

[Jason]

Are you saying you have a. I'm

[Andy]

saying I have a bite.

[Mike]

Cover your mouth, Andy.

[Andy]

Yes, I have a Jeremy's like, oh, my gosh.

[Mike]

I have so much beeping.

[Andy]

Anyways, that product's incredible. However hot you get, it'll cool down. Also, it's your alarm clock. I don't. We have on today's episode worst ways to wake up.

[Jason]

Just. You just stop it.

[Andy]

The best way. It vibrates and wakes me up with a warm bed.

[Jason]

You want to know what your problem is now? Because I've seen it. Your problem is when you travel, you're miserable.

[Andy]

Oh, it's the worst.

[Jason]

Because you don't got your bougie.

[Andy]

I don't have my bougie.

[Jason]

You don't got your perfect bidet. You don't got your. You even have your travel cpap.

[Mike]

Cpap.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

You got the wrong. You're not gonna have your magical flosser you just bought.

[Rachel or Jordan]

Oh.

[Andy]

Which is awesome.

[Jason]

Guys, did you buy that?

[Andy]

Yes, I got it. It is unbelievable.

[Jason]

Guys.

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

This show should be called what to buy if you're rich.

[Andy]

I need another podcast. Just products by Jason.

[Mike]

Yeah. Jason had to go get an appointment with a dentist. He had to leave work early. He's like, guys that got an appointment were like, oh, doctor appointment.

[Andy]

An orthodontist.

[Mike]

What for? He's like, I'm for this flossing machine.

[Andy]

I tried to not sleep.

[Mike]

I had to go to the orthodontist to get something to floss.

[Jason]

And you got it.

[Andy]

Oh, it is unbelievable. Seven seconds, my entire mouth flossed. All teeth. It's awesome.

[Mike]

And it works.

[Andy]

It's so good.

[Mike]

What is this thing doing?

[Andy]

Magic, I believe.

[Mike]

Is it a string or is it water?

[Andy]

No, it's water. It's a water flosser. Like, you know, you've got the built in.

[Jason]

But is it like a mouth guard?

[Andy]

Yeah, it's like a mouth guard. You put it in and then you push a button and it streams jets through each one of your teeth. Holes, crevices. Really powerfully.

[Jason]

More or less expensive than your bed.

[Andy]

Less expensive.

[Jason]

Oh, okay, that bed.

[Andy]

No, that bed is more.

[Mike]

This guy. Unbelievable.

[Jason]

Dear goodness. Where were we? Here? The rim sleeps.

[Andy]

I don't know. I'm looking.

[Jason]

Do you need rim?

[Mike]

Yes.

[Jason]

Genuinely. Do you have to, like, would you die if.

[Mike]

No, no, no, you won't die, but you will. I don't think you'll ever feel.

[Jason]

But like, so eight hours. If you woke up for five minutes, an hour, you'll never rim. And you're saying you think that would be worse than rimming over four hours?

[Mike]

I mean, think about the. What when you have a newborn, that that's what's happening.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

You're waking up like every hour, sometimes for five minutes, sometimes longer. You know, sometimes mom has to feed, sometimes dad's got to warm up a bottle, that type of stuff. It's because you're not getting the continuous sleep where I'm pretty sure you can do like a naps schedule if you wanted. In a 24 hour period. As long as you're taking like 2 to 3 hour naps every so often. Like one of the famous inventors. I feel like Benjamin Franklin or somebody was on that schedule.

[Jason]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it was Franklin. He'd do the little teeny naps.

[Mike]

That guy did a lot of stuff.

[Jason]

You know, there were people that tried to spark ideas with their naps. Did you ever hear about this? They would sit in their rocking chair and they'd hold on to like a coin or a pencil. And they knew that once they fell asleep, they'd drop it because they wanted to be woken immediately upon falling asleep because they believed that sparked creative ideas like inventors.

[Andy]

Really?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Because I feel like that moment when you're falling asleep, at least for me it's like, I always call it like I feel like I'm in the astral plane or somewhere where your thoughts are making sense to you, but you know that your thoughts are not making sense because it's just this weird primordial ooze going on in your brain.

[Andy]

What I'm seeing about Benjamin Franklin is that he followed a strict schedule.

[Mike]

Maybe it wasn't Franklin.

[Andy]

10pm to 5am there's somebody did that's pretty healthy.

[Mike]

So how about this, Jeremy?

[Jason]

You didn't even have your bed. Instead of being like, slept on a piece of wood.

[Mike]

Hey, morons. You got the wrong guy. What? Find the right guy.

[Andy]

How about that?

[Jason]

I'm with you.

[Mike]

Come on, Doosers.

[Andy]

I believe it's Thomas Edison.

[Mike]

Okay, there we go.

[Rachel or Jordan]

Oh, wow.

[Jason]

What a far cry.

[Andy]

Oh, he knew the answer.

[Mike]

Probably stole that idea too.

[Jason]

Deucers be doosing.

[Andy]

Edison reportedly only slept three to four hours a night, considering sleep a waste of time. But then he also used napping and a unique technique.

[Jason]

Yeah, I'm doing the eight hours. That's my final answer. I'm not doing no. Four out four hours is just plain not enough. I already know that if you don't

[Andy]

get naps during the day, you cannot do the four hours.

[Jason]

And I still think I'm getting into RIM because I think I'm going to continue from where I left off after five minutes.

[Andy]

You know what? I don't think you're sleeping eight hours through the night, waking up for five minutes each hour and never getting any empty.

[Jason]

I'm with you.

[Mike]

How about this? Leonardo da Vinci reportedly took 20 minute naps every four hours, known as what? The uberman sleep cycle.

[Andy]

That is correct.

[Mike]

All right, Da Vinci. You're going to argue with da Vinci.

[Andy]

If it weren't for Leonardo da Vinci. I mean, that guy was great. In the Titanic.

[Jason]

Boston.

[Andy]

There goes our last listener. You couldn't even make it through. I could.

[Sponsor Voice]

I couldn't.

[Jason]

He even tried to say the full name out loud to see how close it sounded and still went with it.

[Andy]

It was pretty bad, man.

[Mike]

You needed. You got it. You had to pull a different movie than Titanic.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

You had to be like the Revenant.

[Mike]

What? Yeah. Yeah. That would have been a deeper shutter island.

[Rachel or Jordan]

What is.

[Andy]

What is he most. What is Leonardo DiCaprio most famous for?

[Jason]

I would think of two movies. Romeo and Juliet and the Titanic.

[Andy]

I think Titanic.

[Rachel or Jordan]

We're old.

[Andy]

And catch me if you can.

[Jason]

Catch me if you can.

[Mike]

Oh, man.

[Jason]

Oh. And what's the stinking golly?

[Andy]

The Gatsby. Great Gatsby.

[Jason]

No, he was in that, but that's not it.

[Andy]

Because he was Gatsby once.

[Mike]

Once upon a time. In Hollywood.

[Jason]

No, it's the mob. Mobby movie.

[Andy]

Oh. Oh. The Departed.

[Jason]

The Departed.

[Andy]

That movie is awesome.

[Mike]

Yeah, the Departed is great.

[Jason]

And Wolf of Wall street and a bunch of others.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

What's your final answer, boys?

[Andy]

Leonardo DiCaprio?

[Jason]

You both didn't answer. That's amazing.

[Andy]

I'm taking the eight hours, Al.

[Jason]

Should we move on or do we

[Mike]

get out of here?

[Jason]

Go for one more?

[Andy]

Let's move on.

[Rachel or Jordan]

Okay.

[Jason]

Praise the Lord.

[Andy]

Spitballers. If you have been on our health ride with us, you know how easy it can be to have a great, healthy, nutritious meal with factor. And how difficult it can be on your own. I mean, the long day comes and hunger hits you and you don't have anything ready to go. It is so easy to pop in your fridge, take a Factor out, pop it in the microwave, and have a truly fully prepared meal designed by dietitians, crafted by chefs, delivered right to your door so you can hit your nutrition goals this season without planning, without grocery runs, without cooking. With over 100 rotating weekly meals, including globally inspired favorites like Mediterranean and Asian, there's always something new to look forward to. We have them here. Oftentimes, we're skipping our other lunches around here to pop in a factor. That is true. Me, Andy, Mike, we've got them in the fridge. We love a good factor meal. Great protein. Great, delicious. Head to factor meals.com ballers50off and use the code BALLERS50:50OFF to get 50% off and free daily greens per box with new subscription only while supplies last until September 27, 2026. See website for more details.

[Jason]

Hey, I just Venmo'd you for rent.

[Rachel or Jordan]

Nice. Now I can instantly spend it, whether I'm checking out online with Venmo or using a Venmo debit card.

[Jason]

Say more.

[Rachel or Jordan]

More. Exactly. Because the more you do with Venmo, the more you get, like, earning up to 5% cash back with Venmo Stash on a bundle of brands.

[Jason]

So order more pizza.

[Andy]

The math demands it.

[Jason]

Get the Venmo debit card.

[Rachel or Jordan]

Venmo Stash bundle terms and exclusions apply. See terms@venmo me stashterm venmo checkout not available at all merchants. Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp Bank. Na.

[Andy]

That's a great question.

[Jason]

I can't believe you muted my scat. I can't believe you muted my scat.

[Andy]

Oh, man.

[Mike]

And does he have.

[Jason]

Is his arms within range of your music?

[Mike]

I'm a foot pedal.

[Andy]

I got him.

[Mike]

Yeah, he could definitely get my pedal. But what I was going to say it like, did anyone.

[Jason]

No time.

[Mike]

Did anyone actually. Because we do a spitball or secret. Sometimes there's some accident footsies over here where I'm going for my pedal. I give Jason little tap and I'm like. But did anyone actually see Jason pushing the button?

[Rachel or Jordan]

No.

[Andy]

I had no idea. I was pretty.

[Mike]

Have gotten away with it. Yeah.

[Jason]

You could have left.

[Mike]

You could have just. You could have played full dumb of like. Yeah. What happened?

[Andy]

Oh, my God.

[Jason]

I reached over and felt his finger.

[Andy]

The problem is if I. Okay, well, yeah, that's worse than the footsies. That's way worse. When you go for your mute button and there's a finger on.

[Jason]

Was creepy.

[Andy]

Yeah, but that wouldn't have worked because then they would have just fixed it in post and I don't know if they fixed it in post, but I

[Mike]

hope they did, or we would have fully stopped the show. They would have rebooted all of the tech and you could have done it again. You missed a huge opportunity.

[Jason]

All right, Sawyer from Patreon's Great question. If you are in the process of cooking breakfast for dinner, are you making breakfast or are you making dinner?

[Mike]

Okay, okay, okay. Now we're in. Now this is the good stuff.

[Jason]

So my initial reaction, gonna throw it out there. I want to get your response. You're making dinner.

[Andy]

I mean, so I'm making dinner.

[Jason]

What's that? You're making dinner?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

So we're both making dinner.

[Mike]

You're making breakfast food for dinner?

[Andy]

Yes. If you're cooking breakfast for dinner, which,

[Jason]

by the way, highly, highly. I'm a huge fan of it. It was the thing as a kid, if my parents made breakfast for dinner, it was like a special awesome. Like, we're cheating the system.

[Mike]

That is hilarious. Because it's so much easier to make breakfast foods. Dinner foods, dude.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Eggs, bacon, toast.

[Mike]

Pancakes.

[Andy]

Pancakes. If you got the pre made. Yeah, just take out the frozen waffles. Does cereal count?

[Mike]

Oh, yeah.

[Andy]

So if you have a bowl of cereal for dinner, that's dinner.

[Jason]

Yeah, we've had a couple. I mean, there's been a handful of like, let's just all eat a bowl of cereal for dinner. You almost feel like you're like skipping dinner.

[Andy]

Yeah. That's what, that's what I'm saying. I feel like I didn't eat dinner. I had a box, but I didn't eat dinner.

[Jason]

But you're definitely making dinner.

[Andy]

Yeah, you're making dinner. If I have steak and eggs in the morning, I'm having breakfast. If I have steak and eggs in the evening, I'm having dinner.

[Jason]

Now, if you made the breakfast food at dinner time but didn't eat it till the morning, were you making breakfast?

[Mike]

Yeah. You're making breakfast, right?

[Andy]

Yeah, for sure.

[Mike]

Okay, for sure.

[Jason]

This one we agree.

[Andy]

What about dinner for breakfast? Like if it's breakfast and if you

[Jason]

eat the leftovers from the dinner the night before at breakfast time, are you eating breakfast?

[Mike]

I think it's still breakfast.

[Andy]

That's breakfast. It's just the time of day.

[Mike]

A time of day question for you guys.

[Jason]

Yeah, let's hear it.

[Mike]

Because we. My son is adamant about this. Let's say you wake up, you flashback to somehow being a teenager. You wake up at 11:30am you go to your kitchen, it's around noon, but are you eating breakfast or are you eating lunch?

[Jason]

So this just happened.

[Andy]

This happens every weekend?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

My son slept in like, my middle son slept in really, really late. Late as he's ever slept in. And I bought Chipotle for everybody at like one. And then he goes, I just ate breakfast an hour ago. That was his response. Because he had. He got up at noon.

[Mike]

His first meal is breakfast. No matter what he had.

[Jason]

Well, he had breakfast foods. The question is really, if you wake up at noon and then you eat a sandwich, you're probably skipping breakfast and having lunch.

[Andy]

I think he ate breakfast. I think you think sandwiches, your first meal. I don't think it's time of day. I think it's time of your day.

[Mike]

Time of awakening.

[Andy]

A time of awakening. Because imagine that you are on the night shift, right? You're. You work during the night and you're awake during the day, right? So you. Yeah, so you, you know, you, you wake up and it's midnight, right? That's the time you are waking up. You slept all day. You wake up at midnight, Your first meal is going to be breakfast, but it's at midnight.

[Jason]

Is it breakfast? Is it breakfast food?

[Andy]

Of course it is.

[Jason]

Well, then it's fine. It's breakfast.

[Andy]

But even if you reheated the leftover dinner for your first meal, I think they're having breakfast.

[Jason]

If you woke up, how much sleep was there preceding the meal?

[Mike]

Regular?

[Andy]

Seven and a half.

[Jason]

If there's Enough sleep preceding the meal. It's breakfast. Yeah. I think you're breaking the fast.

[Andy]

I think it is time based, but not time of day.

[Mike]

I guess that does make sense.

[Andy]

Oh, breaking the fast.

[Jason]

Have a fast.

[Mike]

Is that where that word comes from?

[Andy]

That has to be where that word.

[Jason]

Yes, of course it is. Well, neither of you knew that.

[Mike]

No, it's breakfast, man. It's one word.

[Andy]

They don't say break fast.

[Jason]

It's breaking the fast.

[Mike]

Breakfast.

[Andy]

The first meal of the day is called breakfast because it literally means to break the fast.

[Mike]

So why is it not break fast?

[Andy]

It should be breakfast. It should be breakfast. But we should say in many ways, have you had breakfast today?

[Mike]

No. You had breakfast?

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

What are we doing?

[Andy]

But we should have breakfast.

[Jason]

With words, we say them quickly.

[Andy]

You're saying that it's just because you can't say breakfast as fast. Because I love breakfast. McDonald's has breakfast till 10:30am and I think McDonald's breakfast is pretty good. It sounds so bad.

[Jason]

Maybe that's why they don't say it that way. Because some guy started it and he's like, no, we got to. We got a.

[Andy]

How about breakfast?

[Jason]

Let's sharpen that. Oh, my gosh. Spectacular. Next great question comes from Carrie on Patreon. If all emotions had a smell, what would some of them smell like? Okay, let's just play with this. Anger smells like fire or burning.

[Andy]

You go like that. Ass.

[Jason]

Yeah. I mean, anger. Anger's got to be heat. Fire.

[Mike]

What was I thinking in volcano? What am I thinking of a volcano?

[Andy]

Soot.

[Jason]

Lava.

[Mike]

No, sulfur. Sulfur. Thank you, Josh.

[Jason]

Sure.

[Mike]

I feel like anger smells like sulfur.

[Andy]

I don't know. Because disgust.

[Jason]

You are burning. Anger. Disgust smells like poop.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Which smells like sulfur.

[Jason]

No, I'm not the sulfur guy. I was pushing the fire.

[Mike]

But I think that the anger has to have an undercurrent of, like, living smell. Some. There's some grotesque to it, but that's

[Andy]

the smell of, like, ash.

[Jason]

Joy smells like sunshine or flowers.

[Andy]

So what is the smell of sunshine?

[Rachel or Jordan]

See,

[Andy]

Smell that sun that smells so bright.

[Jason]

It's a strong point.

[Mike]

I followed only because I went immediately to, like, when you're out.

[Jason]

Meadow.

[Mike]

No, no, you just.

[Jason]

When you.

[Mike]

When you're out in the sun, you have your. Then your skin has a very particular smell where you're like, oh, I smell like I've been out in the sun.

[Sponsor Voice]

What?

[Andy]

Yeah, that's called sweat.

[Mike]

No, no, no, no, no. Not sweat.

[Jason]

Yes, Mike.

[Andy]

You guys.

[Mike]

You guys need to get more in tune with what's going on with your body.

[Jason]

Great smell of sun.

[Mike]

Go out in the sun and not. I'm not talking about sweaty.

[Jason]

It's an aroma.

[Mike]

Yeah. You will have an emanate smell.

[Andy]

I spend 10 minutes in the morning sun every single day. I'm a morning person now. Yeah, before your hike.

[Jason]

I've never Go hiking and smell yourself.

[Andy]

I have. I did. I've never had the thought of like. I smell like sun.

[Mike]

You smell your arm.

[Andy]

I will smell my arm tomorrow.

[Jason]

Anxiety. What does it smell like? What would anxiety smell like? That's nervous energy. Is it bo?

[Andy]

No, I don't think so. No, it's not Bo. Is it sweaty? If you're really, really nervous, what's the smell of nervousness? Fearful man. That's a tough one.

[Jason]

I don't have a good one.

[Mike]

Okay, while you think about this, the quote smell of skin after being in the sun is often described as a warm, slightly sweet. And sometimes it is definitely slightly sweet, sometimes even slightly musky or sun warm scent and is caused by the sun's UV radiation interacting with the skin's natural oils and bacteria.

[Andy]

Okay, so just to be clear, it either smells sweet or musky. So it could smell like anything. Because those are opposites.

[Mike]

But they're not saying anything. They said two very distinct smells.

[Andy]

Two very.

[Jason]

To me it's sweet and you do smell sweet and sometimes even slightly musky. It's a little mixed.

[Mike]

I'm telling you, you will smell sweet.

[Jason]

Envy. I think of green. What smells green?

[Andy]

Grass.

[Jason]

Envy. No, envy needs to be.

[Mike]

Envy stinks.

[Jason]

It needs to be a darker smell.

[Mike]

Smells like money.

[Andy]

Dirty.

[Mike]

There's been dirty money. Grossness.

[Andy]

100% envy smells like dirty money. Everyone here knows what the smell of dirty cash.

[Mike]

Now are we going dollar bills? Going coin?

[Jason]

Yeah, cuz coins gotta smell either.

[Andy]

Either way the coins. The only problem is the coins. Sometimes you smell the. The metal.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

I think with the cash. You like that?

[Mike]

Oh, you like the metal smell? Interesting.

[Andy]

Oh man.

[Jason]

I don't mind it.

[Andy]

I'm writing that down.

[Jason]

Sadness. Sadness. What does sadness smell like?

[Andy]

Rain.

[Mike]

Rain smells.

[Andy]

Rain smells great. Yes, but sadness sometimes.

[Jason]

What about a bog? This smell like a bog.

[Andy]

This won't be a popular. This won't be a popular takeaway. Sometimes sadness is good. So like sadness.

[Rachel or Jordan]

But.

[Andy]

But yeah, I mean like a good cry. I think. I think sadness and the rain.

[Jason]

I don't mind it. I think rain can work. Disgust.

[Mike]

I mean that one's pretty easy.

[Andy]

Yeah, I mean that's just. What is that is bo.

[Jason]

Yeah. Are we did we work through all of the. The different. We just couldn't figure the smell for anxiety.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Yeah. What smells like stress?

[Rachel or Jordan]

Ooh.

[Jason]

Yeah. What's.

[Mike]

Is it like, car fumes? Like, you're like, I'm stuck in bumping.

[Jason]

I don't mind that.

[Mike]

Traffic.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

There's exhaust.

[Jason]

Oh, exhaust. You're exhausted. You're anxious. I like it. Oh, my gosh.

[Andy]

On the nose. No, I'm saying that joke was on the nose, but it was also.

[Jason]

Oh.

[Mike]

Oh, that's good. That's a good joke. That's a good joke. The long ones there, I had moved on. That's a good joke.

[Andy]

Thank you. I felt like a fool.

[Jason]

Is happiness and joy. Are those the same?

[Andy]

Yep. Just make it easy. All right, all right.

[Jason]

We figured it out. Okay. Let's go with. That's another sleeping question. I'm gonna skip that one. Hunter from ig if we had another global pandemic and the toothpaste shelves were suddenly empty, what ingredients are you buying to DIY a toothpaste alternative? Oh. Cause we've had, like, the last pandemic. It was toilet paper that was gone. It was. I still. Here's the funny thing. We're four years from when it began. More than that. Five.

[Mike]

Yeah. Going on five.

[Jason]

There were, like, one or two major runs on toilet paper where nobody could get it anywhere. People were buying it on ebay. So I literally have probably two containers of toilet paper. That is horrible. Toilet paper.

[Andy]

Oh, I know what you're saying.

[Jason]

So I bought it. Yeah. I was like.

[Andy]

Because it was all you could get.

[Jason]

It was all you could get. I mean, I've even got a second funny story where I bought some on ebay, and it came the tiny rolls, and it was miniaturized.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah. They got you. They got me.

[Jason]

They got me with mini rolls of toilet paper.

[Mike]

Hold on.

[Jason]

We're talking tiny butts would be the only thing that could use these.

[Mike]

Normal cardboard tube.

[Jason]

Yes.

[Andy]

Small roll.

[Jason]

No, no, no, Not.

[Andy]

Or the whole thing was shrunk. It was like a toy for a dollhouse.

[Jason]

I mean, it was like.

[Andy]

But the picture. The picture looked like.

[Jason]

And we got tons of them.

[Andy]

The picture. You know how many you could fit in a box.

[Rachel or Jordan]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Because you would be on Amazon and you'd see 24 rolls of toilet paper. With the picture of these rolls, you can't tell that they're smaller. We both got goth. Yeah, we did.

[Jason]

We got tiny toilet paper.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Mike]

I've never even heard of this. Oh, but it makes so much sense.

[Jason]

Yeah. And it Would come wrapped in, like, the worst packaging from somewhere in mainland China that shipped this thing off to you.

[Mike]

That's a lot.

[Jason]

But I have a couple old toilet paper rolls from, like, one ply that we never used because it came back in stock. But let's say toothpaste goes away.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

I mean, I feel like. Do you just go water? Do you go, like, baking soda?

[Andy]

Coconut oil? Baking soda's good.

[Jason]

I feel like that'd be a thing, right?

[Andy]

Coconut oil is a thing that people do.

[Jason]

They do that with their teeth. It's like the oil out of your mouth would be.

[Andy]

No, it's really, really good for you. You take. You take coconut oil, which is kind of what consistency is coconut oil?

[Mike]

It's a gritty goop.

[Andy]

Yeah, it's like a.

[Jason]

It's plasma oil.

[Andy]

No, but it's not. No, it's not oil in the sense

[Jason]

that, like, I've used coconut oil.

[Andy]

I mean, it's not waxy. It depends on the temperature coconut oil is. Yeah.

[Jason]

If you get it cold, it can be more solid. It'll be more like a wax.

[Andy]

When you get it out of the container, it's always a wax. It's not like an olive oil that pours out.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

But coconut oil, you take it. You take, like, a little glob, you swish it around your mouth for, like, 30 seconds. It's supposed to be really, really good for the bacteria. And you spit. That's what you should.

[Jason]

So you got the flossing machine so you had more time during your routine to do the coconut oil thing.

[Andy]

Exactly. It's got a name. It's like a coconut. No, there's a name to swishing your mouth with coconut oil.

[Jason]

That's for you.

[Andy]

It's called oil pulling. Thank you. Polling. Yes.

[Mike]

Josh is on fire, man.

[Andy]

When you're that old, wisdom is. I mean, wisdom.

[Mike]

Ah, he's on the Google.

[Andy]

Is it. Was that Google?

[Mike]

Oh, you knew that one.

[Andy]

My wife does it on the other side.

[Mike]

Oh, your wife's pretty crunchy, right?

[Jason]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The baking soda is what popped into my head right away. If I could grab that and mix

[Andy]

it with a bottle. Don't people put baking soda on their toothpaste?

[Jason]

No, they just. It's baking soda. The company makes it.

[Rachel or Jordan]

Right.

[Mike]

Morton's Arm and Hammer.

[Jason]

Arm and Hammer.

[Andy]

Arm and Hammer makes it. Yes, but I.

[Jason]

But that's a. More of a toothpaste mixed with baking soda.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Not just straight baking soda.

[Mike]

What can. What can't baking soda do?

[Andy]

I mean, stain us.

[Mike]

I feel they're like, hey, oh, baking soda could take care of that. Just get some of that. We'll do it.

[Andy]

That's how I feel about vinegar.

[Jason]

You know, you can.

[Mike]

Oh, dude.

[Andy]

Dude, vinegar is like. It's a miracle.

[Mike]

It's magic.

[Andy]

Why don't we use.

[Jason]

It doesn't get big press because it don't make big checks.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's right.

[Jason]

Now, baking soda, by the way, you can just.

[Andy]

I'll bet vinegar can fix your teeth.

[Jason]

This is not a recommendation, but, like, yeah, no, you 100% can just drink a glass of baking soda.

[Andy]

Drink a glass of baking soda. You can't drink powder.

[Mike]

It's probably Alka Seltzer when you mix it with.

[Andy]

Okay, well, there you go. You can't. You gotta specify that do not.

[Mike]

It wasn't.

[Andy]

You do for me.

[Jason]

Nobody else on the planet were going to be putting dry baking soda in a cup and trying to drink it,

[Mike]

because that would be eating it.

[Andy]

Yes, he said drinking.

[Mike]

It was implied.

[Jason]

Look, I've had to do that before for, like, really bad heartburn. You can do that.

[Mike]

So it's like Alka Seltzer.

[Jason]

It's.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Mike]

Yeah. What can't baking soda do? I bet you're like, hey, I'm feeling under the weather. Go soak your feet in some baking soda. You'll feel better.

[Andy]

You take a baking soda bath yet? Oh, man, your skin's getting wrinkly. Rub some baking soda on it.

[Jason]

Probably, probably. And you put it on those cold sticks.

[Andy]

What if you put baking soda and vinegar together, that's either got volcano.

[Jason]

That's the volcano.

[Andy]

Wait, no. For real?

[Mike]

Yes. Yes.

[Jason]

Is that the ingredients that you don't know? You never made one?

[Andy]

No, I know that there is that thing, and I think I did it when I was kid. No, I think I did it when I was a kid, but I didn't.

[Jason]

If you.

[Andy]

Baking soda and vinegar.

[Jason]

And then you just pour vinegar.

[Andy]

Okay, so the two independent chemicals that are unbelievably perfect.

[Mike]

Apparently.

[Andy]

Yeah, I mean, they are.

[Jason]

Science teachers are dying.

[Andy]

Those two things are so good by themselves that it's too strong. If you put them together.

[Jason]

Are you dying, Papa? Josh, as a biologist, it really is

[Andy]

killing me right now.

[Jason]

If you swish, they're chemical opposites. That's why they both do a good job on both ends of it.

[Mike]

Incredible. If you swish baking soda with vinegar in it, in your teeth, I mean, how clean are they?

[Andy]

All your teeth have exploded out of your mouth. So.

[Jason]

No, that's what I.

[Andy]

You pick them up and they're going to be so shiny. Look how clean that tooth is.

[Jason]

All right, we figured it out.

[Mike]

Man, we are dumb.

[Jason]

I think it's time for us to take a break and draft. Hi, diva. It's Rachel and Jordan.

[Rachel or Jordan]

Yeah, hi.

[Mike]

Quick question.

[Jason]

Why are you not spending your Venmo balance? Yeah, we're concerned you can, like, buy stuff with it. You love buying stuff and earn cash back on eligible purchases.

[Andy]

Mm.

[Jason]

You love purchasing eligible things. So the money your friend sent you yesterday, that's today's ramen or rideshare or eye patches. The skincare kind, not the pyro kind.

[Mike]

Spend with Venmo and you can earn cash back with Venmo stash.

[Jason]

Venmo Stash bundle terms and Exclusions apply. Max $100 cash back per month.

[Mike]

See terms@venmo me terms. ID verification required to use a Venmo balance.

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[Jason]

The Spitballers Draft Sometimes we talk about geography on the other podcast on accident and people enjoy the fact that we. We don't know it very well, especially Jason, around the country about where things are. And the best part of that is we will talk about the geography of places we've never been. And then we will all settle on the answer that we figured it out. Right answer that we settle on will be wrong.

[Andy]

Well, often that's what people.

[Mike]

That's your opinion.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's their opinion. All right. I'm pretty sure we're right.

[Jason]

We are drafting the worst ways to wake somebody up. I've got the 101, despite the fact you didn't hear my scout very well. And I'm going to go pretty chalk here.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Jason]

I think that the chalk worst way to wake somebody up. It's probably something you're picturing in your head already. It is an air horn at point blank range.

[Mike]

Air horn is the number one on my list.

[Jason]

I'm going air horn. I just feel like it is consistent. You're not going to. There's no messing it up. You're waking the person up. They're going to hate you for it. That's the point of the draft, Mike. You're up.

[Mike]

Yeah. Air horn was the first one. Yeah. Oh, and you have to do that. If you just go with F. That's no good. You gotta wake him up. I'm gonna go. The bucket of cold water.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah, that. I mean, we. Have you ever been woken up that way or woken anyone else up that way?

[Mike]

No, because I am a civilized human being.

[Andy]

So when we were coming up with these lists, Andy and I, I think had an easy time. Mike was struggling and I think this is because you think of yourself as a civilized human being. You're not a prankster.

[Mike]

No.

[Andy]

You're not a gag guy. Me. I'll hold Andy's mute button down and get him some good.

[Mike]

Right.

[Jason]

Right.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Jason]

Charlatan and me. I'll put poison in your. In your drink.

[Andy]

What?

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Gotcha.

[Mike]

You need the antidote to the poison you just drank.

[Andy]

But yeah, I had fun putting this list together. Thankfully, my one on one is still there.

[Jason]

Oh, it's gonna be a fart.

[Andy]

Oh, it's a fart in the face. It's a fart in the face, man.

[Mike]

That's pink eyes.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's why it's a bad way to wake up.

[Jason]

Look at it. That's more of a fringe. That's a fringe choice.

[Andy]

Oh, that's that. I mean, you've got to think about

[Jason]

what you got to do to accomplish that.

[Andy]

Oh, it's very easy.

[Jason]

No.

[Andy]

Walk to the side of the bed, turn around, blow wind.

[Jason]

Their face is not. Their face is not necessarily facing the outside of the bed if it's facing upwards. You're telling me. I don't want to picture you climbing up on this bear.

[Mike]

You're not doing a full squat.

[Andy]

I'm not doing a full squat.

[Jason]

Imagine waking them up mid getting ready to fart on them. That's a real awkward situation.

[Andy]

I genuinely believe. Go back to sleep. I genuinely believe.

[Jason]

Squats.

[Andy]

Almost done. You're ruining this. You're ruining it. I genuinely believe, and I'm saying this, of course, hypothetical. I have never and would never do this.

[Jason]

You would do this, but you may never have done it yet.

[Andy]

Yeah, one of those things was true. Yeah, one of those things was true.

[Mike]

If not both.

[Andy]

But if they're laying on their back and their face is not facing the side. Works just fine.

[Jason]

You've got that.

[Andy]

You work just fine.

[Jason]

You got coverage.

[Andy]

You just go near enough and, you know, give a little.

[Jason]

You know what the real joke about that is? Is what if you don't wake them? There's just something worse about you. Just you go in your fart, then you walk out and they just breathe it for a while, while they're sleeping. That's the punishment.

[Mike]

Move on with.

[Andy]

Keep sleeping, man.

[Mike]

Did you, Jay, were you involved in as a youth hitting people with like the power sit up? Are you. Do you know what I'm talking about when I say that?

[Andy]

That doesn't strike a bell.

[Mike]

Now they remind. Reminding anybody, the instructor. I don't know what that is. The power sit strike a chord where ring a bell. Multiple people have to be in on the con. But you have like someone lays on their back and you. And you hold like a towel or sheet over their head and like try and make them do a sit up. And so you're pushing against the force of someone holding you down. And then you go, hell, your turn to do it. And then you quickly move the towel and that person goes face first into a behind. Oh, you guys never heard of this?

[Andy]

No, but that's nice.

[Jason]

I can see it. But no, I never did.

[Mike]

Okay, so you were not involved in that, but now you have a new move.

[Andy]

Yeah, kids, try it.

[Jason]

Jason went fart in the face. I have air horn. Mike, bucket of cold water. Jason has a second pick.

[Andy]

I am going to go with hiding a scary clown next to them. Okay, so we've all seen. If you haven't seen these videos, they are awesome.

[Jason]

Now, I mean, point of clarity, that'll be. That's not gonna wake them.

[Andy]

No, no, no. But I mean, you gotta wait on it. You wait on it or you can just.

[Jason]

That's scaring somebody who's awake.

[Andy]

You wake them up with a clown in their face is the point. You can wake them up however you want.

[Jason]

You're kind of nuts.

[Andy]

I'm just saying. I'm just saying.

[Jason]

That's not a word.

[Andy]

The videos where people are, you know, they wake up, they wake up and they look next to them, right next to them is just scary clown or whatever horse is that. But, you know, you can do a million things. Just put something scary right next to him. Have them wake up to that. That's a good time. Yeah, Mike loves that idea.

[Jason]

Mike, you have a bucket of cold water. What's your next way to wake somebody up?

[Mike]

All right, the next one, man. Which one of these ones do I go with? All right, we're gonna go. There was a. There was a popular show when we were youths of a group of guys who would do very stupid things. And it was really, really funny. And one of the things, one of the pranks that they Would pull on each other. They called it antiquing. Now, this is. I'm just talking to the people at home. They know what I'm talking about. And antiquing was. They would just take. They'd get a whole fistful of flour and then just spike it at the person's face.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Mike]

Because it wakes you up. And then the person like, you look like a statue.

[Andy]

Yeah. Oh, I love this idea. I love this.

[Jason]

So a fistful of powder.

[Mike]

So it's called antiquing.

[Jason]

Wow.

[Andy]

Man.

[Jason]

But that would. That'd be terrible.

[Andy]

That would be awesome.

[Mike]

And there's a whole giant mess.

[Andy]

The draft is the worst. The worst way to wake someone up. Slap them with a fistful of powder. That's fantastic.

[Jason]

Okay, well, look, I'll. I'll go with. I'm gonna go with the mariachi band.

[Andy]

That would be so awesome.

[Mike]

No, it would.

[Jason]

You're now incoherently half awake with four strangers in your room.

[Mike]

Like, bro, where's the chips and sauce?

[Jason]

Let's do stocks. That you don't love, that you don't hate that.

[Mike]

As long as it's a regular time. Look, it's going to startle me, but then I'm going to be getting down to some mariachi music. I love mariachi.

[Jason]

Yeah, apparently we do. And then I'll go with full volume death metal. We'll go full volume death metal. Big speaker. Wake up. Wake up. Okay, Mike, it is back to you. So you've just thrown a fistful of flour into somebody's face.

[Andy]

You've antiqued them.

[Mike]

Yeah. And so we have the bucket of cold water, and I'm gonna go the complete opposite of this one. This one's gonna take a little bit, but I'm gonna crank that heat up. Oh, and then. Because if it's not gonna wake you up right away, you're gonna just probably do the sweat em out. And then you're gonna wake up, be like, it's 80 degrees in here. This is awful.

[Jason]

I actually use that as a strategy for waking up during the school year for my wife and I. Like, I set our. I said it.

[Andy]

It works.

[Jason]

I set it to go much hotter five or ten minutes before I need to get up, because I know we're going to want to get up, and we. Because if it's cold and you wake up, you want to nestle back into play.

[Andy]

Dude, my mattress. The great. It does that. So it goes like 5 degrees hotter than the room at my alarm clock time.

[Jason]

Imagine how many sales they'd have if they had sponsored the show.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Reach out.

[Mike]

All right, you're up, Jay. Oh, I'm up. You got two.

[Andy]

Oh, man.

[Mike]

All right.

[Andy]

Well, the first one is. I couldn't even write it. Like, it was so hard to write this down.

[Jason]

Oh, no. You're going to go with it.

[Andy]

I'm going to go with it.

[Jason]

Oh, it's my last.

[Andy]

Oh, no, it's a tarantula on the face.

[Mike]

I had spider on the chest, but

[Jason]

tarantula on the face is my exact quote in my list.

[Andy]

I woke up in that fashion. I would go back to sleep forever.

[Mike]

The long sleep.

[Andy]

The long sleep. I mean, my heart would burst out of that chest. The long sleep. Good night. So that's the worst thing ever. And then, you know, we've got a couple different loud things. You got the air horn. Heavy metal. I think the worst. I think worse than an air horn because. Well, I mean, on par, at least is crash symbols. If you.

[Mike]

Drums.

[Andy]

Yeah. If you're just. Is that what they're called when you hit them together?

[Mike]

Yeah, there's the symbols.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah, the crash symbols. Where you just One of those. To someone that is. Those are so loud and awful. Sorry to all the crashers out there, whatever you call yourself, I don't think they're offended.

[Mike]

Yeah, I don't. Jeremy, What. What would we call that person? Or do you just call them your part of percussion? Yeah, I guess. Are you a symbolist?

[Andy]

It's like a marching Symbolist. Symbolist. Marching symbolist. That feels too, like, philosophical.

[Mike]

You're a symbolist.

[Jason]

Hey, it's. I mean, I think you're right. So tarantula in the face, huh? And then cymbals. Mike, you got your last pick.

[Mike]

All right, for the final one.

[Andy]

A symbolist.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Mike]

Is that what it is?

[Andy]

Yeah. Or a percussionist. But symbolist.

[Mike]

The last one. This one is a. This is a longer. Psychological warfare. And I'm going to shout out the late, great Mitch Hedberg, one comedian for this of. I'm just going to have cinnamon roll candles now.

[Jason]

Light them. Okay.

[Andy]

Oh, that's. Oh, and there are no cinnamon rolls.

[Mike]

They're gonna wake up and be like, where's the cinnamon rolls?

[Jason]

Oh, man. There are none.

[Mike]

It was a ruse the whole time.

[Andy]

That's brutal. I mean, in my house, it would be like bacon candles. Because it's a common thing where on the weekend, like, maybe someone's making first one ups.

[Mike]

Making bacon?

[Rachel or Jordan]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Oh, my gosh. If I woke up to the smell of bacon and then I come out and it's a Freaking candle. You're grounded. Whoever it is, you can't ground me. I'm your wife. You're grounded.

[Mike]

You put a bacon candle walking into the kitchen, trying to find. Locate the source of the actual cinnamon roll smell, only to find no cinnamon rolls.

[Jason]

That'd be brutal.

[Andy]

What a great way to wake up. And what an awful way to wake up.

[Jason]

Right? Right. Because technically, that's the best way to wake up. Like, if we did a draft of best ways to wake up, it would

[Andy]

be Folgers in your cup wish. Oh, man.

[Mike]

Is Folger still around?

[Jason]

Oh, yeah.

[Andy]

They're not doing so good anymore. They're not doing. They're not. They can't be doing that great like

[Mike]

they used to be on the TV.

[Jason]

They've got to have some loyalists between 72 and 81 years old out there. No, that's you. You ruined what I was saying. All right, air horn, mariachi band blasting death metal. And I'll close it out with. Look, it's not antiquing, but it's just as messy. We'll go piece in the face.

[Sponsor Voice]

Question.

[Jason]

Pie in the face, whip, whipped cream or apple.

[Andy]

But are you making them do it to themselves?

[Mike]

No, no, because I. The tickle the face.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You put. You put shaving cream. You put the shaving cream in the hand. I have that on my list.

[Jason]

I'm gonna just.

[Andy]

You're just pieing them.

[Jason]

I'm walking in, silently pying them and walking out of the room.

[Andy]

All right, all right. I like it.

[Jason]

Can you die from that?

[Andy]

No, you can't die from that. You can eat your way out.

[Mike]

Not all of us can.

[Jason]

All right, that is the worst ways to wake somebody up.

[Mike]

No one went with the hand in the water, huh?

[Jason]

No, that's to make you go peepee. Yeah, I. Yeah, I was pretty through. I did the feather tickle of the nose. Like, keep doing that until somebody wakes up. That's annoying.

[Andy]

I have just tickling. Just wake someone up with tickling smelling salts. That'd be good.

[Jason]

Yeah.

[Andy]

And then ride that lightning I've got.

[Jason]

Wait, you have lightning?

[Mike]

No, I should ride the lightning of the smelling salts. It feels like you got zapped.

[Rachel or Jordan]

Yeah.

[Andy]

The only other one I had was waking them up two hours early.

[Mike]

Oh, that's brutal.

[Andy]

That's brutal because sometimes when you get

[Jason]

back to sleep, pull it off with the clock switch just for the room.

[Andy]

Oh, yes.

[Jason]

Just that room.

[Andy]

Yeah. You're supposed to be up at 6, so you set it to 6 when it's 4am Wake them up. They get up. They start getting ready. They come out of their room. Isn't that in like. I think that's in some movie.

[Mike]

Someone has to have done that.

[Jason]

You got to get them out the door on the way to work so that when they find out it's when they pull up.

[Andy]

Go away for the school bus. What did we learn today? Breakfast is not a very easy word to say.

[Mike]

No breakfast breakfast baking soda should cures all.

[Jason]

Yeah and I we need it should

[Andy]

be treated as gold.

[Jason]

Yeah I learned that I need to protect my mute button while I scat because Jace is trying to strip the world of its joy which smells like the sun. Goodbye smell it.

[Andy]

Goodbye, sweet musk. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.

[Jason]

And we want to thank our sponsor for supporting this episode. Hey, I just Venmo'd you for rent.

[Rachel or Jordan]

Nice. Now I can instantly spend it whether I'm checking out online with Venmo or using a Venmo debit card.

[Jason]

Say more.

[Rachel or Jordan]

More. Exactly. Because the more you do with Venmo, the more you get like earning up to 5% cash back with Venmo Stash on a bundle of brands.

[Jason]

So order more pizza.

[Andy]

The meth demands it.

[Jason]

Get the Venmo debit card.

[Rachel or Jordan]

Venmo stash bundle terms and exclusions apply. See terms at venmo me term venmo checkout not available at all merchants. Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp Bank. Na.

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